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Previously on In Treatment
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I'm trying to make this work.
I want to make this work.
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You don't know anything.
You don't know me at all.
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- I've done terrible things.
- It was an acc...
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Really terrible things.
I had sex with Ben!
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My worst nightmare, it's happened
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and I feel like this huge weight
has been lifted off my shoulders.
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You said that after your father died,
your mother never forgave you.
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Maybe you've never
forgiven yourself, Amy.
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Maybe you feel that if you
degrade yourself enough,
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some day somebody will forgive you.
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What do you see in me?
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How could you possibly be with me?
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I loved you.
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"Loved"?
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Max, don't dump that stuff
on the staircase.
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And call Devinn and get that
reading assignment, OK?
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Hey, how do you do?
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Good. They're a pretty good team.
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I'm glad you went.
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It was fun.
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Could you close the door, please?
I wanna talk to you about something.
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I left Gina a message today and...
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I told her that...
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I won't be going back
to therapy anymore.
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You and I, we can go
back and forth forever about...
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where our problem started...
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Who did what to whom,
who's more to blame.
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I can't do that anymore.
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I need to figure...
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this out,
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and I think I need to do that
on my own.
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I'm really happy
that you're seeing Gina.
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And I really hope it can help you.
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Transcript: swsub.com
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Season 1, episode 39.
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Sync by Anyone, Lemonhead,
michvanilly, salomon.
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- Is Amy joining us today?
- I don't think so.
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So what's been up with you, Jake?
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It's been a pretty weird week
since we saw you last, Paul.
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Very quiet around the house.
Awkward.
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He's such a funny kid.
Man, I wish you could meet him.
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He was telling us this joke
the other day about these...
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These two cannibals
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that eat a clown.
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And one cannibal turns
to the other and says:
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"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Anyway, Amy and I are laughing
despite ourselves.
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It was very surreal.
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Kids tend to do that
when they sense tension.
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They try to get the parents
to come together.
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You're probably right, but he shouldn't
have to do it. It's not fair.
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You're right. It's not fair.
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Amy's been trying
to reach out to me this week...
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You know, make it all OK,
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the whole Ben thing, but how can you
make up for something like that?
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To tell you the truth, it's pretty sad
watching her try.
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When Lenny fell asleep the other night,
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she ran around the house,
pretending to be busy with house shit,
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which she never does. Not saying
anything, just trying to run into me.
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And at one point we were
pretty close together in the kitchen,
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she tried to kiss me...
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And I just...
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What?
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Just couldn't do it.
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I wasn't into it.
My heart wasn't there.
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It can be hard
to relate to somebody...
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- After something like an affair.
- You're telling me.
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Bizarre.
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Late that night, she had...
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fallen asleep
watching TV and I just...
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I just stood there looking at her.
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How did you feel?
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She sleeps with her both hands
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tucked under her cheek
like in those kid books.
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You know, the way they draw
the angels sleeping.
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She didn't look like a woman
who had just fucked some other guy.
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She looked really beautiful.
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And I was thinking
how easy it would be to just...
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go lay down next to her
and put my arms around her.
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But you didn't.
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No, I couldn't.
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I just remembered how easily
she could chip away at me
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and lure me back in.
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So I jumped in my car
and I got the fuck out of there.
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- In the middle of the night?
- That's right.
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- Where'd you go?
- First, at Elliot's,
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but then I remembered he had a date.
I didn't want to walk in on anything.
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It's been about 6 years since the guy
got laid, so I just kept driving
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and I ended up at my parents' house.
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The kicker is they live about
four hours away in Virginia.
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And it was too early
when I arrived to ring the doorbell,
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so I just sat out front in my car
and fell asleep.
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How often do you
see them, your parents?
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Mom comes into town to see Lenny pretty
frequently every couple of months.
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Maybe we go out there for the holidays
a couple of times a year, not much more.
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And is your father close to Lenny?
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Is my father close to Lenny?
That's a good question.
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I think so. They spend time together,
Lenny likes him.
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But it always feels finite.
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I can't help but get the feeling
that he leaves him hanging,
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like he's just spent a few minutes
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with the neighbor's grandchild
and now it's time to move on.
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Of course, my dad, being the narcissist
that he is, is oblivious to it.
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Has Lenny said anything
to you about it?
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No. He seems fine with it, so who knows?
Maybe I'm just seeing things.
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I was asleep in the car
outside their house,
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and all of a sudden there's this knock
on the window and its wake me up.
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And it's a cop.
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And who's the cop?
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Mike Garnett.
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Went to school with me, wanted to be
a cop since the 1st grade
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and now that's what he is.
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It's really funny.
He fulfilled his childhood dream.
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I don't think I know anyone
who became
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what they wanted to be
when they were a kid.
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When I was growing up,
in the wintertime, there was this guy
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and he would come over with
his chainsaw, swing from tree to tree
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cutting branches
before they froze and fell off
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like a fucking monkey.
It was unbelievable.
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And he was the only guy I knew
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who my father didn't tell
how to do his job.
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That's who I wanted to be.
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The old man, he's such a know-it-all.
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The funny part is though,
he does know it all.
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He can tell you the exchange rate
for a Guyanese dollar,
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how to cook a freshwater salmon
in a clay oven,
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or the history of the silk worm.
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- Does he write encyclopedias?
- You'd think, right?
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No, he's a college professor.
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My mom too. Intellectuals.
Big readers, unlike me. I don't read.
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I don't think I've read a book
since I left high school.
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Does that mean
you don't or you won't?
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- I haven't.
- Really?
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I remember once I misquoted
Roland Barthes
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and you corrected me.
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Where did that come from?
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I grew up in a house where everyone
was reading at dinner.
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That shit was everywhere.
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Any parrot could pick it up
and spit it back verbatim.
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That's what happens when your dad is
an emeritus professor
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of Renaissance studies
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and your mother teaches classics...
Greek and Hebrew.
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But I don't read.
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I mean not literally.
Obviously I read.
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I read music, manuals, headlines,
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but I just...
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I don't know.
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I'm not like them.
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I do kick ass
at crossword puzzles though.
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- You do those?
- I'm not very good.
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Sunday New York Times
crossword does me in every week.
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It's a tough one.
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To do crossword puzzles,
you need to have
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an extensive vocabulary, no?
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It's kinda hard to reconcile the idea
of somebody who doesn't read
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with somebody who's really good
at crossword puzzles.
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There's nothing to reconcile.
I'm good at it
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and reading makes me
restless and bored.
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So did you acquire your love
of crossword puzzles from your parents?
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Not really.
My mom's all right at them.
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My dad sucks.
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What did you do as a kid when
everybody else was doing all this...
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reading?
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I don't know. Play guitar,
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collect baseball cards, smoke pot.
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Did that get you into trouble?
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- Not really. Nobody noticed.
- Nobody noticed that you got high?
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- So who were you getting high with?
- Myself mostly.
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So would you say
that you had a lonely childhood?
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Nah. Why?
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It was okay.
I talked to myself a lot.
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You know what one of
my favorite things in the world is?
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Talking to Lenny.
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And we talk about anything
but mainly,
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we talk about sports.
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And he can just go off.
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Aluminum bats versus wood...
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Fuck, anything.
That kid has a brain like a computer.
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He's not even 10
and he can list off
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all of Boog Powell's stats
from the 1970 world series.
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That's just amazing to me.
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I never get tired of hearing
that little fucker talk.
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You get like that with your kids?
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Not so much anymore
because they're older,
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but with my youngest,
yeah, I still do.
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- And how old is he?
- He's nine.
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Just like Lenny.
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Did you have that kind of relationship
with your father as a kid?
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No, I avoided talking to my father
when I was a kid.
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It just wasn't worth it.
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He was the kind of guy who would wince
if you said sure instead of surely.
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Did you find it easier
to talk to your mom?
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She wasn't as bad,
but what was frustrating was...
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she would always defer to him
on everything.
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00:12:12,712 --> 00:12:14,923
It's like she saw him
as this hotshot professor
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00:12:15,043 --> 00:12:16,553
at another level from everyone.
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00:12:16,673 --> 00:12:19,200
He got tenure at 33
and it just wouldn't occur to her
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00:12:19,442 --> 00:12:22,013
that she could have an opinion
different from his... than his.
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If you were him, you would have just
corrected me on my grammar.
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If you were he.
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Hey, they didn't beat me, right?
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00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,032
- It could've been a lot worse.
- That's true. It doesn't...
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00:12:38,671 --> 00:12:40,847
It doesn't mean it wasn't difficult.
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00:12:41,779 --> 00:12:43,315
So when did you start to write?
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00:12:43,435 --> 00:12:45,876
I don't write.
My brother Nathan is the writer.
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00:12:45,996 --> 00:12:49,022
He's a novelist. He was just shortlisted
for some prize last year,
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some big national award.
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00:12:50,709 --> 00:12:53,416
I can't even remember the name.
I'm sure my parents remember it.
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00:12:53,536 --> 00:12:54,987
But you're a writer too.
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00:12:55,227 --> 00:12:57,822
Or don't you consider
songwriting to be writing?
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00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:00,317
No, sure, I do.
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00:13:00,842 --> 00:13:04,055
Some of my favorite writers
are actually songwriters,
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00:13:04,175 --> 00:13:06,684
people like Dylan, Cohen,
John Lennon.
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00:13:06,804 --> 00:13:09,318
Hey, I agree with you, Paul.
I would put Dylan on par
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00:13:09,438 --> 00:13:12,425
with Walt Whitman, Ezra Pound,
Langston Hughes.
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00:13:13,201 --> 00:13:15,375
Just try telling that to my family.
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00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,283
You know, for somebody
who is not a great reader,
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00:13:18,403 --> 00:13:21,415
you seem to be pretty familiar
with great poets.
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00:13:21,535 --> 00:13:24,349
Nobody's really familiar with Pound.
They just fake it.
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00:13:28,463 --> 00:13:30,352
But I get the feeling
you like to play down
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your knowledge, your intelligence.
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00:13:34,595 --> 00:13:36,851
I don't know.
It's just my folks' world.
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00:13:36,971 --> 00:13:39,173
I guess some of it
has rubbed off on me.
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00:13:39,788 --> 00:13:41,355
But it's just not me.
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00:13:42,151 --> 00:13:45,701
Your parents ever expressed an interest
in what you might do for a living?
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00:13:45,821 --> 00:13:48,729
My dad probably wanted me to be
some kind of academic.
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00:13:48,849 --> 00:13:50,417
It's the family business after all.
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00:13:51,769 --> 00:13:54,194
But what did he expect?
I don't know.
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00:13:54,982 --> 00:13:57,126
I think he gave up the dream on me
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00:13:57,246 --> 00:13:59,598
pretty early after I flunked
out of high school.
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00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:02,085
Which do you think came 1st,
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00:14:02,205 --> 00:14:04,514
your father's low expectations
or your low grades?
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00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:06,619
- Meaning?
- Often with expectations,
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00:14:06,739 --> 00:14:09,019
there's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,402
Maybe you decided earlier on
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00:14:11,522 --> 00:14:13,429
you couldn't match up
to his expectations
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00:14:13,549 --> 00:14:16,195
- and so you gave up trying.
- Could be.
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00:14:16,315 --> 00:14:19,176
My mom was always trying
to get me interested.
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00:14:19,296 --> 00:14:21,865
She'd help me study for tests
on the sly.
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00:14:22,107 --> 00:14:24,159
- On the sly?
- Yeah, it pissed my dad off.
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00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,817
He thought she was
spoon-feeding me things
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00:14:27,937 --> 00:14:30,346
I should've known
or figured out by myself.
246
00:14:30,466 --> 00:14:32,792
And she was terrified
he'd find out.
247
00:14:33,174 --> 00:14:36,287
Was she...
generally intimidated by him?
248
00:14:37,363 --> 00:14:40,099
"You're so right, Abe.
I never looked at it that way, Abe."
249
00:14:40,219 --> 00:14:42,219
Yeah, it made me want to scream.
250
00:14:43,820 --> 00:14:45,725
One thing you can say about me,
251
00:14:45,845 --> 00:14:48,141
is I sure as hell
didn't marry my mother.
252
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:54,046
You mean you didn't marry a woman
who was intimidated by you.
253
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:03,990
So how do your parents
feel about Amy?
254
00:15:04,557 --> 00:15:07,463
She's a successful businesswoman,
she's got an MBA,
255
00:15:07,583 --> 00:15:10,221
they fucking love that
she went to grad school.
256
00:15:10,684 --> 00:15:14,534
Their high-school dropout of a son
married a hotshot businesswoman.
257
00:15:17,063 --> 00:15:19,997
It's interesting you use the same word
to describe your father,
258
00:15:20,117 --> 00:15:21,174
"hot shot".
259
00:15:22,437 --> 00:15:25,179
Do you think that they're alike
in other ways?
260
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,836
They're not.
They're total opposites.
261
00:15:27,956 --> 00:15:31,255
He's all rumpled corduroy,
stains on his shirt,
262
00:15:31,375 --> 00:15:32,726
and she's, well...
263
00:15:33,713 --> 00:15:36,308
Hell, you know what Amy is...
Meticulous,
264
00:15:36,650 --> 00:15:39,929
put together, very materialistic.
She loves her stuff.
265
00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:42,386
You know, when we met,
266
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:45,780
I was crashing in this crappy apartment
over a garage.
267
00:15:46,411 --> 00:15:48,217
I think it turned her on.
268
00:15:48,770 --> 00:15:52,156
And the woman had never fucked on a bed
without a box spring, and...
269
00:15:52,276 --> 00:15:53,398
she liked it.
270
00:15:54,284 --> 00:15:57,614
Coming down from her pedestal,
hang with the riffraff.
271
00:16:01,069 --> 00:16:04,176
Did you feel like your father
was also on a pedestal?
272
00:16:04,417 --> 00:16:07,808
Come on, let's get off this, alright?
This is not why I'm here.
273
00:16:23,594 --> 00:16:26,592
I don't have that many people
to talk too right now.
274
00:16:30,820 --> 00:16:34,493
And I'm scared shitless of losing Lenny
in some custody battle.
275
00:16:36,552 --> 00:16:37,554
Amy is...
276
00:16:38,113 --> 00:16:39,064
unstable.
277
00:16:39,184 --> 00:16:41,298
This is the second time
she's getting a divorce
278
00:16:41,418 --> 00:16:43,991
after having an affair,
and I think she's gonna fuck him up.
279
00:16:44,614 --> 00:16:46,855
You said yourself
she needs losers around.
280
00:16:46,975 --> 00:16:49,192
I think she's gonna teach him
to be a loser.
281
00:16:50,027 --> 00:16:51,540
She's damaged, Paul.
282
00:16:52,609 --> 00:16:53,808
She's fucked up.
283
00:16:56,469 --> 00:17:00,047
I haven't gotten much right in my life
except that kid, and that kid is...
284
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:03,427
What the fuck?
285
00:17:05,366 --> 00:17:07,615
You don't pay your electric bill
or something?
286
00:17:13,854 --> 00:17:16,915
Looks like it's out
on the entire street.
287
00:17:20,134 --> 00:17:22,849
- You want to go on?
- I can see you fine.
288
00:17:23,772 --> 00:17:24,882
You're sure?
289
00:17:56,046 --> 00:17:57,655
For the first time...
290
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,127
It really feels like
we're splitting up.
291
00:18:03,705 --> 00:18:06,364
No matter how many times
we've talked about it, or...
292
00:18:06,484 --> 00:18:08,770
brought it up, it's never felt so...
293
00:18:11,072 --> 00:18:11,882
Real.
294
00:18:15,724 --> 00:18:18,213
Why do you think
it feels different this time?
295
00:18:22,193 --> 00:18:24,145
The last time you were here,
296
00:18:24,265 --> 00:18:27,339
you implied that
you'd fallen out of love with Amy.
297
00:18:28,872 --> 00:18:30,989
Would you still say that's true?
298
00:18:31,109 --> 00:18:34,087
I don't know. How would I know?
What does it feel like?
299
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,926
I've only been in love
with one girl... her.
300
00:18:37,046 --> 00:18:39,622
I've never fallen out of love.
Tell me what it feels like
301
00:18:39,863 --> 00:18:41,875
and I'll tell you if I'm feeling it.
302
00:18:42,233 --> 00:18:43,845
Have you ever felt it?
303
00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:50,878
There's a huge sadness there.
304
00:18:53,722 --> 00:18:55,886
'Cause you know what's been lost.
305
00:18:56,894 --> 00:18:59,781
And you begin to lose the desire to...
306
00:19:02,582 --> 00:19:03,576
connect.
307
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,989
Maybe you should ask your father.
He's the guy who knows everything.
308
00:19:13,264 --> 00:19:16,496
Did I tell you what he said
when I told him my marriage was over?
309
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,069
"This isn't entirely unexpected, is it?"
310
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,567
He expects me to fail.
311
00:19:24,118 --> 00:19:25,937
Every time. At everything.
312
00:19:30,357 --> 00:19:31,915
Why did you go home, Jake?
313
00:19:33,077 --> 00:19:36,024
I don't know. It's an extend.
I just started driving,
314
00:19:36,144 --> 00:19:37,825
that's where I ended up.
315
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:39,355
This is therapy.
316
00:19:39,475 --> 00:19:41,268
We don't believe in "accidents" here.
317
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,335
Alright, fine.
318
00:19:46,588 --> 00:19:49,189
I'm about to be a single dad.
Maybe I...
319
00:19:55,078 --> 00:19:57,601
Maybe I just felt like
I want to talk to my mum.
320
00:19:58,985 --> 00:20:00,086
Or your dad.
321
00:20:01,210 --> 00:20:05,020
Have you been listening to a word I say?
I can't fucking stand my father.
322
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,155
It's interesting that
you use the same words to describe
323
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:10,740
Amy and your father.
324
00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:11,915
"Hot shot".
325
00:20:12,258 --> 00:20:14,958
But you keep insisting that
they're nothing like each other.
326
00:20:15,218 --> 00:20:17,361
They're not.
Where're you going with this?
327
00:20:17,481 --> 00:20:21,286
Look. You married an intelligent
overachieving woman
328
00:20:21,406 --> 00:20:24,071
who seems absolutely certain of her...
329
00:20:24,628 --> 00:20:26,314
authority in the world.
330
00:20:27,924 --> 00:20:31,000
The criticism and disappointment
that you got from your father
331
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:34,109
do me feel that
that's what you get from Amy.
332
00:20:40,942 --> 00:20:42,801
Your relationship with Amy's
falling apart,
333
00:20:42,921 --> 00:20:45,197
so you get in a car
and you drive for 4 h to Virginia
334
00:20:45,457 --> 00:20:47,149
and you find yourself...
335
00:20:47,445 --> 00:20:48,679
by accident...
336
00:20:48,945 --> 00:20:51,198
outside your father's house?
337
00:21:08,816 --> 00:21:11,410
You think I was going back
to the source?
338
00:21:13,185 --> 00:21:14,724
Jesus, that's sick.
339
00:21:14,844 --> 00:21:16,043
It's not sick.
340
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,815
The more we open ourselves to the...
341
00:21:19,935 --> 00:21:22,458
The therapeutic process,
the more we can examine these...
342
00:21:22,578 --> 00:21:24,414
More therapy. What're you talking about?
343
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,874
I need that
like I need a hole in the head.
344
00:21:29,209 --> 00:21:30,373
You know what?
345
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:33,675
Who cares
why I went home that night.
346
00:21:33,795 --> 00:21:37,386
What is it matter how my parents talk
at the fucking dinner table, alright?
347
00:21:37,506 --> 00:21:41,471
I've learned from my father's mistakes
and I'm a much better father than he is.
348
00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:52,307
I don't want to fuck it up.
349
00:21:53,299 --> 00:21:55,410
I don't want to fuck my kid up.
350
00:22:00,618 --> 00:22:01,574
I need...
351
00:22:04,746 --> 00:22:06,020
I need the help.
352
00:22:07,935 --> 00:22:09,315
I need your help.
353
00:22:11,265 --> 00:22:13,662
I need help.
All the help I can get.
354
00:22:20,224 --> 00:22:22,095
Or some road map, you know?
355
00:22:34,699 --> 00:22:35,894
I feel scared.
356
00:22:47,917 --> 00:22:50,405
I wish I could say
it was that simple.
357
00:22:51,072 --> 00:22:55,033
That I could just give you a road map,
a book of instructions, but...
358
00:22:57,602 --> 00:22:59,911
unfortunately, life isn't like that.
359
00:23:02,236 --> 00:23:04,619
But you know, that old saying that...
360
00:23:04,822 --> 00:23:08,230
a journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step.
361
00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:12,450
Or in my case...
362
00:23:13,166 --> 00:23:15,280
two steps up and one step back.
363
00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:38,014
You know, if this was a movie...
364
00:23:38,977 --> 00:23:40,872
the lights would come on, right now.
365
00:23:42,608 --> 00:23:44,250
If this were a movie.
366
00:23:46,694 --> 00:23:47,722
Were a movie.