Previously on Call Me Fitz.
Oh Richard!
This nice lady clearly needs a car
but seems to think she doesn't.
I see you've met my daughter Paula.
You sent her to fuck me over.
Oh, you mistake my intentions.
This could be a very fortuitous
marketing juncture.
We'll give you 50 % off a brand new
post car product.
Never drive used again.
I'll drown that fuck in his
patchouli juice.
Mr. Childs told me that he's
Ken's long lost brother.
I could be sitting pretty.
I could have been Mrs. Pat Childs.
Oh Lainey, I want to do it like old times.
Evan Williams Burbon Sours.
My proposal panty stripper,
for when I want to seal the deal.
You fucking proposed?
Every time you guys get married,
I'm the one who gets fucked.
We got a wedding to plan.
Ya we do.
Cocksucker.
You want to know what fucks up a dude?
Broads.
Broads and the choices they make.
They do whatever the fuck they want,
and men pay the price.
Like that French chick, Marie Antoinette.
How the fuck was the king supposed to get laid when all
she wanted to do was to stuff her face with cake?
Or, Frida "Ooo, I want a career too" Kahlo.
A little less painting, a little more plucking, Frida.
No wonder Diego went batshit.
You think Clyde would have wound up as road meat
if Bonnie hadn't stopped to take a leak?
Broads sell themselves as all fishnets,
pouty lips and horn-dog perfume,
out to have a good time.
Nuh uh.
They're made of toxic venom, they will sting you,
entrap you and ruin your fucking life.
♪ Without you I'd find my smile ♪
♪ Without you I'd'a won by a mile ♪
♪ Without you Oh life would be so grand ♪
♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Carnations?!
Carnations are what you find in
your proctologist's office.
This guy isn't taking me seriously.
This is a joke, right?
You two geriatric fuck monkeys aren't
actually going through with this
bullshit wedding.
No.
We just think flowers cheer
this shithole up.
Did you call the retirement homes?
Vegetables don't grow on trees, Ken.
Guest list is loaded with
Alzheimer's finest.
We'll make a killing on the gifts.
I knew this was bullshit.
Making a buck puts the special in
special day, ass-clown.
Wouldn't be a Fitzpatrick
wedding without it.
Just another scam.
Oh, don't be an asshole, asshole.
Your father is legit and so am I.
This is real and nothing is gonna
screw it up.
For your information,
your mother and I are in -
Say another word and I will kill you.
You know how I feel about that
lovey dovey shit.
Uh fuck!
Get out of my room! Mom!
It really is rude not to knock, Richard.
You morons are in on this too?
The dealership's about to hit rock bottom,
that O-Mo clown, Pat Childs,
up our ass and all Ken cares about is
this fucking wedding.
Look! I've been waiting to be a
flower girl for the last thirty-five --
twenty-eight years.
I even hired security to make
sure it happens, okay.
Does this dress say fuck the flower girl
to you, or...
I volunteered to do the speech.
Yeah, I'm researching fun
Fitzpatrick memories now.
Is there anybody around here who
hasn't lost their fucking mind?
Do I go with a Quinciano or
El Veintitres as my sacred
matrimonial sombrero?
You're marrying them?
You're not a fucking priest.
Church of La Sagrada Familia, Dude.
Yeah, that's right: me and Jesus
are homies, ese.
Cool hey?
I got it off eBay.
Makes everything feel a little bit more
Mexico-y.
Oh my.
What?
Oh, I'm Meghan.
Oooh! Oooh!
Oh, Fuck me.
I just don't understand why you
wouldn't tell me that you have a brother.
I was waiting for the right time,
ladybug.
He tried to frame you for pedophilia.
Kenneth has his quirks.
They seem like awful people -- they drink,
and do drugs, run brothels.
I mean Richard Fitzpatrick tried
to sell his own child!
And we were there to save him.
Isn't that what family is for?
The Earth takes the Sun's light and
gives nothing in return,
except for companionship.
I think with time, you and your new
cousin could become quite close.
I'm not sure that's the best idea.
Who the hell is buying up all the
used cars in this town?
This is Ken's Job!
Oh, it's nice to hear you admit
you're a team.
Never were.
Never will be.
Richard, the stronger this
family is, the stronger your
family business will be.
What the hell are you talking about?
Look, this wedding is a way to embrace
the tangled roots of your family tree.
Which, as it happens,
is the metaphor that forms a narrative
through-line of my speech.
A tale of little Ken and Pat,
brought up single- handedly by Alice,
working day and night to provide
a loving home for her sons.
I need for my dirty little boys to stay
quiet while Mommy's working, okay?
Ring off, big boy.
Alice doesn't do married.
Oh ya, baby.
Oooh!
I'm not a dirty boy.
I am not a dirty boy.
I am.
Two peas in a pod.
Like us, Richard!
If Grandma Alice could keep her
family together and earn a good living,
Well then Ken and Elaine can too.
Two peas in a pod.
Ya.
Larry, for a retard you are a fucking genius.
I am?
What's the one thing that could fuck up
a Fitzpatrick family wedding?
Cash bar!
Pat Childs.
Pat Childs?
Nothing says I love you like a good old
fashion family feud.
What?
Richard!
So happy to see you.
Hey, thanks for dropping the charges.
All lessons are worthy lessons,
even if they arise
from fraudulent pedophilia scams.
Right.
Please.
Whoa! Haha.
So what the fuck are you doing?
Meditating.
Calms the mind.
And gives you hemorrhoids.
You have your father's bawdy
sense of humor.
Speaking of, you hear the old man
and Elaine are getting hitched again...
Today.
It is happy news.
You know, she still got the
hots for your scrawny vegan ass.
Well, I do eat - fish - occasionally.
See, I too have a bawdy sense of humor.
So you do, slick.
So you do.
Must be why Elaine couldn't stop
talking about you the other night.
Elaine and I haven't seen each other in years.
She said how much better her life
would have been if Ken hadn't stolen
her away from you.
Oh, I wouldn't call it stealing.
It's true, Lainey and I were
once an item when we were young.
But, my brother's interest in her was
purely platonic.
Kenneth was excited by our relationship.
Really quite enthusiastic.
Did Elaine send you?
Listen, if you ever wanted another chance,
now's the time, squeaky.
Arghh -- there I go again,
putting my dick in my mouth.
Oh fuck me.
What do you want, Vince?
My alien overlord's earthly flock has grown.
We require a new vessel.
You want to buy a car?
How are you going to pay for it?
With shopping carts?
I'll pay a fair price.
And, once you've received the star
master's insertion, you can come with us.
The plains of Themis glitter with the
spilled milk of unicorn mares.
Hey, you're not authorized to
dispense space messages yet.
Stay still.
Fuck me.
Childs doesn't waste any time.
My mom and Childs?
They were up to something together
all along.
They're trying to take us down!
Fuck.
What the fuck are you looking at?
The geriatric asshole whose
brother and wife-to-be are fucking him over.
I just saw Elaine with your brother.
The brother she still loves.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Lo siento, Señor Fitzpatrick,
no entiendo.
Mom's joining forces with Childs.
They'll wipe us out for good.
Nothing is going to destroy my special day,
you ungrateful little shit.
Oh what's that?
We're at capacity?
I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Fuck you.
Base camp to Cholita.
Over.
Cholita?
What?
My prison friends offered to do
security for work credits.
Racist.
You can't tell me to leave!
Daddy put me in charge of security,
and no one is going to ruin my special day,
not even you, Dick.
Do your thing, Cho-cho.
Oh la ley.
Hey.
I like my ladies large.
Do you?
So do I, asshole.
Let's go.
Ow, ow, OW!
Hey, Richard.
Cuz.
What are you doing here?
Well, I thought now that we're related,
it'd be a good idea for us to get to
know each other.
Or your old man sent you here to
fuck with me.
Like you don't know what's going on.
I know my father has family he never
told me about.
I know that you're my cousin.
And my last name isn't Childs.
Even though I don't usually touch
alcoholic beverages,
I could really use a drink.
You're seriously not in on this?
She marries Ken,
she gets fifty percent of my dealership --
she flips it to your father.
We can't run an honest business
with secret deals.
We have to stop them.
Only way to stop the merger is to
stop the wedding.
I can't get in --
But you can.
Okay, come on.
Oh Christmas paper.
That's wonderful.
So great.
Oh wow!
You really went all out.
It's Fantastic.
Who the hell called the cheap
retirement home?
Why can't anyone remember to bring cash?
Fucking Altzy's.
Ok, de-de-de.
Are you single?
What?
Answer the question.
Yes.
Next!
But I'm your cousin.
You think you're the first one to play
this bullshit cousin card.
There are men in there.
Hot single men.
You're not gonna get in my way so just
move along, sister.
You and your prettiness.
Ok, keep moving.
Oh a pitcher?
That's stellar.
Ah buh buh.
Who sent you an invitation?
The only invitation I have is the one my
alien overlord sent me --
an invitation of light,
sweet star maiden of the Martian canals.
Okay that's hot.
You're in.
Move along.
Great.
Keep moving.
Oh, dear.
Showtime.
Patricia, so glad you could make it.
Kenneth, wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I ah, I brought the lovely bride a gift.
A key to the first car off the
O-Mobile assembly line when we
start up production.
I saved you the best seat in the house, bro.
What the fuck is this?
Ladies.
Oh, hello Richard.
Paula.
Out of my way, cock-cheese.
I got a wedding to fuck up.
Richard, I commend your Herculean
efforts to attend your mother and
father's re-nuptials and I am here to help.
Yeah you can help me
by getting out of my fucking way.
No no, as master of ceremonies,
I have a plan to ceremonially
mastermind your day in the sun.
All you need to do is wait here.
I won't be but a minute.
I don't mind waiting here.
Yet another rich
family Fitzpatrick tradition.
Locks on the outside.
That elongated cock- midget locked us in!!
Larry, open this fucking door!
There's a robust latina guarding the window.
Oh fuck.
I guess we're just going to have
to wait it out.
Here.
On this bed.
I thought the groom wasn't supposed to
see the bride on his special day.
The groom can fuck off and tell me
who in the hell invited little
Patty Handwasher to my wedding.
Can the groom give you this first?
Same thing I wore the first time
we got hitched.
I even had the bullet hole repaired.
What are you up to, old man?
Lainey, I want it to be exactly the same.
Let's do this.
The place of honor for Grandma Alice.
Josh.
Joshua, it's time for the vows!
¿Donde esta?
Buenos Dias.
Buenos Tardes.
Buenos Nachos.
Ok, ready to go.
All rise.
Oh ya!
No European country prohibits marriage
between first cousins.
Oh! It's allowed in Canada and Mexico too.
Oh.
It's like we're one.
Yeah, it's like I'm fucking myself!
Is this the water closet?
Uh, oh.
No no, keep it open!
Keep it op-oop.
Hombres e Hombriettas,
we are gathered here today to
unite perfection.
Much like chips and salsa;
Ken is brittle and salty;
and Elaine is fiery and caliente,
and filled with big chunks of tomatos.
Shut your fajita hole, moron.
Ok.
We are not doing shit until you tell
me why your brother is here.
Shouldn't he be asking you that, Mom?!
Tell him about your deal with Childs!
Gold Schnapps?
Leave it alone, kid.
My business is none of your
fucking business.
Who do you think's been buying up
all the used stock in town huh?
Mr. Fucking Save-the- Fairy-Polar-Bears,
that's who.
He wants to destroy our dealership.
And they're in on it together!
Why do you think he's here.
This is not in my research.
Keep your pants on, cum-stain.
I invited him.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I invited him.
Mushroom cock still has the
hots for Lainey.
I just wanted to see his face
before I stole her away again.
Mother fucker.
You only proposed to me to get back
at your brother?
And you.
You wanted shut us down because
you still want me?
Elaine, I think it's time we told
everyone the truth.
What the fuck is going on?
I helped organize this event in the
name of family reconciliation and
the choice between chicken and fish.
Chicken.
In the name of narrative truth!
Yeah, so ah, what's going on here guys?
Alright, you want to know the truth?
I love you, Lainey.
Stop being a sniveling douchebag, Patty.
You're so zesty!
Ah, well I had been going steady with Mr. Clean
for far too many hellish years
when he decided to save my honor and
pop the question.
In front of his mother no less.
Elaine, will you marry me?
God I need a drink.
I hate this kind of romantic shit.
But what the cock- washer didn't know
was that I'd been eyeing his brother
the whole time.
She's right.
You are a sniveling douchebag.
Sure, Pat would have been the sensible choice.
But then he said the one thing that
pushed me over the edge --
But when we made --
Stop.
Don't say it.
Made love.
We made sweet sweet love.
Get it off.
GET IT OFF!
Dirty boy! Dirty boy!
Vegas or bust.
You coming, baby?
Fuck, yeah.
Lainey!
So O-Mo's a Homo.
We all knew that.
I was pregnant, fucknuckle.
Jesus Christ, Lainey.
Wait, uh.
Pregnant with Richard?
Ehh, yeah.
So Pat Childs is...
Richard, I am your real father.
Ay dios mio.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
You know how much it cost me
to raise that little shitsack?
Lots.
Last week Elaine asked me to sign
a non-disclosure agreement to keep
Ken from finding out the truth...
Ah, so that means Paula is --
-- My sister?
This means I'm an only mother-fucking child!
Ooh ooh!
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com