1
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Previously on In Treatment.

2
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You know you've never once
taken responsibility for what you did?

3
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,518
You never once said,
"I'm sorry, I made a mistake."

4
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,073
He's not willing to forgive me

5
00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:19,475
because he hasn't decided
about this other woman.

6
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,511
Another thing we haven't talked about,

7
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:23,994
what kind of mother you've been,
can we talk about that?

8
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:27,271
You should really be quiet
cos you're embarrassing yourself.

9
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:31,108
Gina, you said that I might've
pushed Kate into her affair

10
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because of my feelings for Laura.

11
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Maybe it's the other way around.

12
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,517
You're both going through something.

13
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She's struggling with a dynamic
that existed before you met.

14
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,908
And you're looking for
that younger woman

15
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,872
who looks up to you
the way Kate used to.

16
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Well, that's great.
That's just really great.

17
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- Hi, Gina.
- Hi, Paul.

18
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:57,552
How are you?

19
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,673
So, obviously, uh, Kate isn't coming today.

20
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Yes, she left me a message.

21
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She really didn't go into why, though.

22
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She said that she was tired
of going back and forth

23
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,151
and just tired of trying to find out

24
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,555
who started what
and who was guilty of what

25
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,272
and who's reacting to what.

26
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She wants to decide on her own, basically.

27
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,511
Well, I have to respect that.

28
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How do you think
our sessions with Kate went?

29
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I'd say they were chaotic.

30
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I was a little annoyed with you over that,
but I suppose I'm partly at fault too.

31
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And I also think that she felt sandwiched
between two therapists.

32
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I do have to say, though,

33
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,910
that you did manage
to make connections

34
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that resonated with both of us,
especially with Kate.

35
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:04,072
Whether anything is gonna
come of that or not, I don't...

36
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I don't really know.

37
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,316
Hm.

38
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You know who I envy? Writers.

39
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They create these characters
that they want to spend time with

40
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and then they decide if they're gonna
let them live or die

41
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,559
or let them be happy or unhappy,

44
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(Chuckles)
Mind you, I think I'd be a shitty writer.

45
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I'd want to give everybody
a happy ending.

46
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Paul...

47
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I'm very sorry about your patient.

48
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Alex.

49
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Yeah. Thanks.

50
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Not the ending
I would have written for him.

51
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(Sighs) The funeral, Jesus Christ,
I'd forgotten how awful funerals are.

52
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That dreadful sense that...

53
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that in the end there's only silence.

54
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You'd think as therapists,
we'd have better tools to work through it.

55
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Well, I don't.
I feel the same sense of...

56
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futility and hopelessness as the next guy.

57
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What's also interesting is seeing
the relatives of patients that you've treated.

58
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The participants in the stories
that you've heard dozens of times.

59
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The father, the son,
the brother, whoever.

60
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We think we know them,
but we don't really know them at all.

61
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We know reactions to them
or versions of them...

62
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idealised or vilified.

63
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And I was really struggling
to reconcile this image

64
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that I had of Alex's wife
with the woman that I saw there.

65
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He always described her
as demanding, exacting,

66
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a constant source
of pressure in his life.

67
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But I looked over
and I just saw this...

68
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broken woman.

69
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She seemed so soft and gentle.

70
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Guess I'll never really know her now.

71
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- Does that bother you?
- It does bother me.

72
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I ask myself all the time

73
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if I actually know what I think I know
about my patients' lives.

74
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That couple, for example,

75
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the ones who were trying
to have the, um... the baby.

76
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Amy, I don't think
she can ever really be known.

77
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I mean, there are certain patterns
that identify themselves

78
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from her past, but I cannot...

79
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shrink her.

80
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She's too complicated.

81
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And then I say to myself,
"Do I really know any of these people,

82
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"or are they all just one big fiction

83
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"that I've constructed in my head?"
You know?

84
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Sometimes I dream
about the family members of patients

85
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that I'm treating,
people I've never met.

86
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You know, it's curious.

87
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Apart from your intense connection
with your patients,

88
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you're also now talking about,

89
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uh, a longing for your patients'
family and friends.

90
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(Sighs)
What... what do you mean by that, "a longing"?

91
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Maybe that's not the right word.

92
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,829
Do you mean curiosity
about the lives of other people?

93
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Isn't that an aspect of what we do?

94
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It's just... it's curiosity.

95
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We're supposed to be fascinated
by how people behave.

96
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At least...

97
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,631
At least I think so.

98
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Alex's death left me
with this very strong feeling

99
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that I was like a repository,
really, a trustee.

100
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There were things
he never told anybody else,

101
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his private thoughts,
and they've stayed with me.

102
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They're inside me.

103
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A big part of his life is in this vault
I have inside me.

104
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A part of his life maybe,

105
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but not necessarily a big part.

106
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You were his therapist.

107
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- Only his therapist, yes.
- Yes.

108
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I know you've always been of two minds
in relation to this,

109
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that therapy is more than a discipline,
that it's actually a religion.

110
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But you also say we're therapists

111
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and we can't really run
our patients' lives for them.

112
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As soon as they walk out the door,
they're on their own, yeah?

113
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How would you describe
Alex's state of mind

114
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the last time you saw him?

115
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I would say he was pretty fragile,
vulnerable. Yeah.

116
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The ironic thing is
that we'd really made some good progress,

117
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and he just seemed to regress.

118
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It was like he felt that he was so close
to a breakthrough that it scared him.

119
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It was too much and he just...

120
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He turned away from it.

121
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Are you feeling in any way
responsible for his death?

122
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You know, I'm friendly with a psychiatrist

123
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that consults for the navy,
Alfonso Casillas.

124
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- Do you remember him?
- Oh yeah.

125
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Well, I asked him
if he could find out anything.

126
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He said vertigo.

127
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It means there's nothing wrong
with the equipment.

128
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They were doing some kind
of combat exercise.

129
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The plane he was chasing descended
and Alex went into vertigo...

130
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,952
what they call vertigo,
and lost control.

131
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That's their...

132
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official conclusion.

133
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I think he killed himself.

134
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- How can you be sure of that?
- Look, his life was...

135
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a tragedy from the second he was born.

136
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His childhood,
his relationship with his father,

137
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right up to the time he pushed the button
and killed a roomful of kids.

138
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How do you live with that?

139
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,871
Even with the gadgets
that they have now

140
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that reduce people
to dots on a video screen,

141
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all the spin from the navy...
none of it made any difference to him.

142
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It didn't work on him.

143
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He felt every single one of those deaths.
I know he did.

144
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Oh...

145
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so many expectations.

146
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The best and the brightest.

147
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Mm.

148
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And he was.

149
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He was so strong physically

150
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,913
and handsome, intelligent.

151
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,713
And under all that kind of posturing

152
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:09,389
and male posing that he did,
he was really...

153
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,030
He was a good guy.

154
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Charming.

155
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He was endearing, you know?

156
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,149
He looked and he sounded like...

157
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,031
what they call a winner.

158
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Suddenly he becomes a murderer.

159
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,590
How do you reconcile that?

160
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,469
I think that's what really killed him.

161
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Endearing.
I've never heard you talk about him like that.

162
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- Quite the opposite.
- (Laughs)

163
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Actually, he was kind of a funny guy.

164
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,391
He was...

165
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I don't know.
Am I already beginning to idealise him?

166
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,916
- Yeah, maybe.
- Well, it's not uncommon

167
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,678
after such a shock.

168
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He gave me the chance
to stop him from flying.

169
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Literally? Did he really offer that
or are you projecting?

170
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He asked me directly,
"Should I fly?"

171
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,119
What did you say?

172
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:08,073
I told him I was very concerned
about his state of mind.

173
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,759
- You said that clearly?
- Mm-hm.

174
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,234
But he wanted me to say it unequivocally,

175
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,953
- "Do not fly."
- It's not your place, Paul.

176
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A patient can't ask you
to take his life into your hands.

177
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It's not your place to say, "Don't fly."

178
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,950
Any more than it's your place

179
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,389
to say to that couple,
"Have an abortion."

180
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,479
Or to Laura, "Marry
or don't marry your fiancé."

181
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I should have sent
the navy an evaluation.

182
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,395
"Guilt-ridden.
Wants to punish himself.

183
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,396
"Shouldn't fly."

184
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,352
Alex's dad came into the office to, uh...

185
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,073
(Sighs)... to talk.

186
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:46,917
So I had this poor guy yelling at me

187
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,599
saying that his son's repression

188
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,074
was what had kept
him alive all the time,

189
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:56,079
and that therapy,
the stuff that he was doing with me was...

190
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:57,599
(Sighs)

191
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,471
That therapy was
the thing that killed him.

192
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,796
- Oh, God, Paul.
- Up in the air at Mach 5,

193
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:06,150
he's not supposed to have emotions,
he's not supposed to think.

194
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,112
That's actually why he crashed.

195
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,878
(Paul sighs)

196
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,559
He was very different
from what I imagined, also.

197
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,990
He was riddled with,
you know, his own guilt.

198
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,748
Actually, he did make
a couple of good points.

199
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,791
He said things were
in the unconscious for a reason,

200
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,958
because the mind cannot live
or breathe or take a single step

201
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,230
if everything that lies dormant in it

202
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,919
were out there in daylight, fully lit.

203
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,918
That a fully conscious human being
would be paralysed,

204
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,235
would be like a cripple.

205
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,195
Alex didn't need to be conscious,

206
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,629
just merely efficient.

207
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:50,797
Do you really accept that?
That life is better lived unexamined?

208
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,559
And when... when, uh, anxiety,

209
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,160
and fear and pain
bubble up from below,

210
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:59,590
how can that be dealt with
except by looking at it?

211
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,029
Except by analysing it?

212
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,798
But we don't run the show, Paul.

213
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,276
I sometimes think
that therapists can start to imagine

214
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,799
they're like writers,

215
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,877
you know, that they can control the outcome.

216
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,754
We don't live their lives for them.
We don't even live their lives with them.

217
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,199
I know that you want to believe that

218
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:20,755
we really do have an influence
that's always positive.

219
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,758
- We help people to understand...
- To understand what they're feeling.

220
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,110
After that, if they make a wrong turn,
then it's not our fault.

221
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,720
It's human error. But...

222
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:30,829
Anyway...

223
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,633
- Who are you really angry at?
- Myself, obviously.

224
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,511
You. (Chuckles)

225
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,869
Every therapist from Freud to Mitchell.

226
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,593
- Why?
- Because...

227
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,837
We force patients
to... to look at themselves

228
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,474
and pat ourselves on the back for it.

229
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,829
Then we say to them,
"Here's what's wrong with you.

230
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,393
"Now off you go."

231
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,675
- Did you feel this way before Alex died?
- More or less, yeah.

232
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,109
Has it been on your mind recently
in any other context?

233
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,594
- Like what?
- I... I'm asking.

234
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,154
Have... have other patients other than Alex

235
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,395
- made you think like this?
- You're insinuating.

236
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:09,433
No, I'm just trying to get
a sense, a history...

237
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,634
of these feelings about psychotherapy.

238
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,671
You mean have I been
wondering for a while

239
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,349
if our profession is
actually helpful to people?

240
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,233
Yes, I have.
I think about it every day.

241
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,319
So you feel you're not able
to help your patients?

242
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:28,193
The gymnast, for example, Sophie.

243
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,037
Well...

244
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,389
honestly, I feel like she made
a lot of progress.

245
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,954
We connected.
There was a bond between us.

246
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,560
But I think it was
the personal relationship

247
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,353
that helped her,
not the therapeutic process.

248
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,356
You know, maybe Yalom is right.

249
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:46,075
Maybe it is the relationship
that actually heals.

250
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,874
But that other couple, Jake and Amy,
I cannot tell you, honestly,

251
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,196
if they're better off together or apart.

252
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,232
I... I don't know if I helped them at all.

253
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,879
Anyway...

254
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,192
Are you OK, Paul?

255
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,708
I think I'm tired, Gina.

256
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,115
Here, put your feet up.

257
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:14,839
(Sighs)

258
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:27,351
You know, Alex, he was...
he was talking about vertigo

259
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,551
and he said that when it happens,

260
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,795
they're supposed to trust their instruments

261
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,400
- and not their senses.
- That's right.

262
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,398
How do you know that?

263
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,432
I once had a boyfriend
who was a commercial pilot.

264
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,630
This was before David.

265
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,193
He taught me that...

266
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,911
among other things.

267
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:50,792
(Gina chuckles)

268
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:54,628
Yes, Paul.
I have been more than a sleepy spider.

269
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:58,229
- Hmm. So it seems.
- Mm.

270
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:04,112
Anyway, I think
it's the opposite for psychologists.

271
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,912
I think we'd be far more effective

272
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,635
if we relied less on instruments,
theories and books

273
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,750
and more on our own instincts.

274
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,997
So all your training,
all your knowledge,

275
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,350
- can lead you astray?
- I think so.

276
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,839
Do you feel this generally
or about certain patients in particular?

277
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,638
What do you mean?
What is it, Gina?

278
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,475
What?

279
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,909
You've got that look of yours.

280
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,828
- What look is that?
- You have the look that says,

281
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,950
"I have a theory."

282
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,149
- Regarding what?
- Oh, come on, cut the crap.

283
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:43,397
- Just tell me what you think.
- I'm just sitting here listening to you.

284
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:47,991
I'm listening to your new-found theories
about the uselessness of psychotherapy.

285
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,476
"Certain patients in particular"?

286
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,832
Come on, we're back to Laura again.

287
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,349
- Are we?
- You think everything is a reaction to Laura.

288
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,631
- What's a reaction?
- Me criticising psychology,

289
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,319
dismissing theories,
you think I'm making excuses.

290
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,511
Even Alex getting killed,
that's an excuse, right?

291
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,596
Psychology is collapsing,

292
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,234
so I might as well sleep with Laura.

293
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,669
- That's kind of the way you're...
- Is that what I'm thinking?

294
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,678
- Well, am I wrong?
- When you guess what I'm thinking,

295
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,517
it's always about Laura.

296
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,596
Like I assume that everything you say

297
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,596
- is connected to her.
- Don't you?

298
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:30,877
You're the one who brought her up.

299
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,275
I'm not talking about Laura.

300
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,676
I'm talking about the fact that

301
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:39,554
I am having trouble lately
believing in this...

302
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,591
- religion of yours.
- Of mine?

303
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:45,474
I don't think traditional psychology
answers anything any more.

304
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,198
You have two extremes, right?
You have pop psychology,

305
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,435
you've got these celebrity therapists

306
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,119
writing best-sellers,
getting on talk shows,

307
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,674
and making some miserable couple
weep on television.

308
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,154
It's a kind of a pornography.
Then on the other hand,

309
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,191
you've got the experts.

310
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:05,552
Psychologists like you.
Orthodox, authority figures.

311
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,273
Everything under control
and supervised,

312
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,551
examined under a bright light,
examined to death,

313
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,832
completely and utterly divorced
from real life.

314
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:17,632
Am I divorced from real life?

315
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,194
Gina, you've never lived
outside this room...

316
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,676
the institute,
the graduate programme.

317
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,154
David's world.
And after David died,

318
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:27,792
you locked yourself up in here.

319
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,876
I mean, it's a beautiful room. Look at it.

320
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,597
Beautifully appointed,
everything is in its place.

321
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,598
But you sit in here,
and what do you do?

322
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,756
You write fiction,

323
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,031
about how life could have been,
should have been.

324
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,316
- Is that what I'm writing?
- I don't know.

325
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,271
Just ask yourself, as a therapist,

326
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:52,108
can you really help anybody
if you live in a bubble?

327
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,469
So now I'm a sleepy spider
in a bubble.

328
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,875
Look, I don't want to upset you, Gina.

329
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,319
You won't.

330
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,678
I forgot. Of course.

331
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,029
You don't get upset.

332
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,311
- You never lose it.
- Paul.

333
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,999
I've lost it here with you

334
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,430
several times
in the past few weeks.

335
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:21,354
- Why are you trying to provoke me?
- I am not trying to provoke you.

336
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,597
I just don't want to end up like this.

337
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,631
Is this it?

338
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:27,829
(Chuckles)

339
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,678
This is how therapists
live out their lives?

340
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,233
You are perverse.

341
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,670
You know, something real
and powerful came into your life

342
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,551
and you never gave it a chance.

343
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,831
Not for Charlie's sake
or for yours.

344
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,269
I know you said it was
because he was a patient,

345
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,912
but you know what I think?

346
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,837
I think it was bullshit.

347
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,633
- Paul, be careful.
- You were terrified.

348
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:56,151
Charlie told me that you were
the biggest loss in his life.

349
00:17:56,760 --> 00:18:00,275
That his whole life
could have been different.

350
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,675
You have no idea
what you're talking about.

351
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,992
(Sighs)

352
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:09,838
I mean, after all these years, Paul,

353
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,030
you don't know me.

354
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,718
You want to know
what I struggle with?

355
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,797
It's not that I'm too reserved,

356
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:21,910
too detached.

357
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,320
It's that I'm too emotional.

358
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,828
I'm impulsive and emotional

359
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,668
and I give myself over right away
and passionately.

360
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:34,678
I pour myself out.

361
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,349
Can't you see
that I'm protecting myself

362
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,595
because I'm afraid
I'll get carried away?

363
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,393
I won't be able to think,
I won't be able to analyse,

364
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,908
I won't be able to work.

365
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,679
You've created
this cold version of me

366
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,996
that's limiting and castrating.

367
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,993
Because when you're arguing with me

368
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:02,398
you want to see yourself
as battling the forces of repression.

369
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:05,910
And if the truth is
that I'm an emotional person

370
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,235
who has to rein herself in,

371
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,272
it doesn't fit with what you need,
now does it?

372
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:25,072
Of course I wanted Charlie.

373
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:32,515
He was the most alive person
I ever met.

374
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,996
I wanted to sleep with him.
I wanted to eat him up.

375
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,991
But I didn't...

376
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,711
and not because of ethics.

377
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:47,038
I may have told him
it was because he was a patient,

378
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,071
but the real reason was David,

379
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:53,636
even though David cheated on me
for however many years.

380
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,037
Yes. I knew that all along.

381
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,514
He was really shitty at hiding it.

382
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,877
I didn't sleep with Charlie because...

383
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,200
that's not who I wanted to be.

384
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,632
I loved David

385
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,796
and I loved the life we had

386
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,637
and who I was with him.

387
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,717
I loved myself with David.

388
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,751
David's Gina.

389
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,991
And you know what?

390
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,912
When I was standing over...

391
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,913
his grave at the funeral...

392
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,871
I thought...

393
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:54,070
if I was magically reborn...

394
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,436
I would choose him all over again.

395
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,554
For all his faults...

396
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:05,794
(Sniffs)

397
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:09,230
...he allowed me to be
who I wanted to be.

398
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,948
I'm surprised you didn't see it,

399
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,594
how crazy I was about him.

400
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,915
He was everything.

401
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,758
I never heard you say it.

402
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,791
Oh, shit. (Sniffs)

403
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,876
Everything has to be said?

404
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,275
And now I have
to sit here and listen

405
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:42,555
to your crappy, near-sighted,
self-involved theories about my life.

406
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,873
Oh, God.

407
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:50,712
Listen to us.

408
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:54,150
You know, I slap you
and you punch me, and...

409
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,629
Sometimes I tell myself
it's constructive,

410
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,911
but, you know,
I'm not so sure any more.

411
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,678
Maybe we should stop.

412
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:13,193
(Sighs) You've been fighting me
for two months,

413
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,718
saying "Laura, Laura, Laura."

414
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:20,116
And you've been
waiting for this imaginary Gina of yours

415
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,958
to jump in and stop you.

416
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:26,793
You know... (Clears throat)

417
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,833
Paul, I'm not what's stopping you.

418
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:34,714
You're fighting yourself.

419
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,395
It's up to you. It's like Alex.

420
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,352
You know, you carefully
looked at his life,

421
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,277
you opened doors for him,

422
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:45,470
you gave him insight,

423
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,036
but his life was his.

424
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,470
And he decided to fly.

425
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,511
Now you decide.

426
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:56,918
You know, perhaps you're right.

427
00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,714
Maybe love can bloom
in a therapist's office.

428
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:05,151
And, you know, ethics and rules...
Love is bigger than any rules.

429
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,033
And what do I know?

430
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,230
Maybe she's your David.

431
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:16,876
Maybe you can only be
the Paul you want to be with her.

432
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,588
So go to her.

433
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,955
Find out.

434
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,276
But please...

435
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:34,108
stop comparing your life to mine.

436
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,469
Stop using Charlie against me.

437
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:44,754
You know, I'm sorry he was hurt
by what happened...

438
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,716
but I never loved him, not for a day.

439
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,151
I loved David.

440
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,475
So never talk to me
about Charlie again, am I clear?

441
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,555
Please go now, Paul.

442
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,478
(Door opens)

443
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,836
(Door shuts)

444
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:57,269
English SDH