1 00:00:03,894 --> 00:00:05,462 (oogah horn blows) 2 00:00:09,834 --> 00:00:11,501 (exclaiming) 3 00:00:16,607 --> 00:00:18,441 (school bell ringing) 4 00:00:20,711 --> 00:00:21,745 (Barney belches) 5 00:00:25,049 --> 00:00:26,015 D'oh! 6 00:00:26,050 --> 00:00:27,016 (tires screeching) 7 00:00:27,051 --> 00:00:28,718 (grunts) 8 00:00:30,821 --> 00:00:32,355 (angry shouting) 9 00:00:35,593 --> 00:00:38,128 (dramatic music plays) 10 00:00:39,163 --> 00:00:40,397 (cries out) 11 00:00:40,422 --> 00:00:44,422 ♪ The Simpsons 25x05 ♪ Labor Pains Original Air Date on November 17, 2013 12 00:00:44,447 --> 00:00:49,447 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 13 00:00:57,715 --> 00:00:59,282 (belches) 14 00:01:06,023 --> 00:01:06,956 MARGE: Oh! 15 00:01:09,593 --> 00:01:12,228 Come on. Just pick one. 16 00:01:13,964 --> 00:01:15,131 (sniffing) 17 00:01:19,303 --> 00:01:21,738 Oh. Fine, you can have your old one. 18 00:01:21,772 --> 00:01:23,773 (Marge sighs) 19 00:01:30,181 --> 00:01:32,081 You can have one of these. 20 00:01:32,116 --> 00:01:33,183 (sniffing) 21 00:01:33,217 --> 00:01:34,951 Hmph! 22 00:01:34,985 --> 00:01:37,287 Did you know some historians think American football 23 00:01:37,321 --> 00:01:39,556 is based on an ancient Aztec game? 24 00:01:39,590 --> 00:01:42,225 It's not American football, it's just football. 25 00:01:42,259 --> 00:01:44,427 Bart, you're not annoyed that Milhouse asked me 26 00:01:44,462 --> 00:01:47,497 to go to the American football game instead of you? 27 00:01:47,531 --> 00:01:50,099 Mom, Lisa's ruining football. American football. 28 00:01:50,134 --> 00:01:53,503 No time for breakfast, Marge. Just give me a banana. 29 00:01:53,537 --> 00:01:55,538 (humming) 30 00:01:57,308 --> 00:01:59,776 Now, listen. I have to work late tonight. 31 00:02:03,347 --> 00:02:06,583 Again? I was hoping you could spend some time with the kids. 32 00:02:06,617 --> 00:02:09,819 It's a tough economy. Money doesn't grow on trees. 33 00:02:09,854 --> 00:02:12,689 It grows on threes. 34 00:02:12,723 --> 00:02:14,290 (laughs) 35 00:02:14,325 --> 00:02:15,358 Yeah, I'm out. 36 00:02:15,392 --> 00:02:16,359 Me, too. 37 00:02:16,393 --> 00:02:17,760 Too rich for my blood. 38 00:02:17,795 --> 00:02:19,496 I should not have anted with my blood. 39 00:02:20,664 --> 00:02:21,865 Whew. 40 00:02:21,899 --> 00:02:23,500 You got the touch tonight, Homer. 41 00:02:25,236 --> 00:02:26,302 (chuckles) 42 00:02:26,337 --> 00:02:28,638 Nice sunglasses, Lenny. 43 00:02:28,672 --> 00:02:30,340 Homer Simpson. 44 00:02:30,374 --> 00:02:32,876 Do you really want to keep cheating your friends, 45 00:02:32,910 --> 00:02:34,878 lying to your wife, and avoiding your kids? 46 00:02:34,912 --> 00:02:36,613 What would Jesus do? 47 00:02:36,647 --> 00:02:38,281 Hey, you gotta pay to find out. 48 00:02:38,315 --> 00:02:39,449 You looking for a tell? 49 00:02:39,483 --> 00:02:41,451 I don't have one, my friend. 50 00:02:41,485 --> 00:02:43,786 What? What are you lookin' at? 51 00:02:43,821 --> 00:02:45,522 I'd better call it a night, guys. 52 00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:48,024 I don't want to take any more of your money. 53 00:02:48,058 --> 00:02:51,528 Mm. Mm. Mm. 54 00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,463 Hmm. 55 00:02:53,497 --> 00:02:57,300 Who's president now, Alexander Hamilton? 56 00:02:57,334 --> 00:02:58,868 I think it's Obama. 57 00:03:01,405 --> 00:03:03,139 Hold the door, please. 58 00:03:03,173 --> 00:03:05,308 (breathes heavily) Two minutes apart. 59 00:03:05,342 --> 00:03:06,643 Timing the elevators, eh? Oh. 60 00:03:06,677 --> 00:03:08,144 Smart. Oh. 61 00:03:08,178 --> 00:03:09,579 No, no. 62 00:03:09,613 --> 00:03:11,347 I'm timing my contractions. 63 00:03:11,382 --> 00:03:12,749 I think I'm in labor. 64 00:03:12,783 --> 00:03:14,484 Deep in labor. 65 00:03:14,518 --> 00:03:17,120 Okay, okay, no worries. 66 00:03:17,154 --> 00:03:18,688 What the...? Oh! 67 00:03:18,722 --> 00:03:20,857 Do you have a cell phone? 68 00:03:20,891 --> 00:03:23,726 Everyone has a cell phone. Mine's at home. 69 00:03:23,761 --> 00:03:26,896 The most beautiful moment of my life is happening now. 70 00:03:29,266 --> 00:03:30,500 Everything will be fine. 71 00:03:30,534 --> 00:03:33,069 Um...Oh you, uh, you like movies? 72 00:03:33,103 --> 00:03:35,057 This reminds me of that scene in Alien. 73 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:35,972 What? 74 00:03:35,973 --> 00:03:38,908 The scene where she escapes with the cat at the end. 75 00:03:38,943 --> 00:03:40,743 Aw, well, that's sweet. 76 00:03:40,778 --> 00:03:43,413 Listen, I'm glad I'm not going through this alone. 77 00:03:43,447 --> 00:03:45,415 I haven't seen my boyfriend in months. 78 00:03:45,449 --> 00:03:48,551 Oh, uh, he was just here. 79 00:03:48,586 --> 00:03:49,919 No, he wasn't. 80 00:03:49,954 --> 00:03:51,120 But thanks for lying. 81 00:03:51,155 --> 00:03:52,922 You like lies? Here's a few: 82 00:03:52,957 --> 00:03:55,725 College is expensive but it's worth it. 83 00:03:55,759 --> 00:03:57,360 I think the baby's coming. 84 00:03:57,394 --> 00:03:59,729 Okay Homer, remember your Lamaze training. 85 00:03:59,763 --> 00:04:02,599 Now, this next position is fantastic 86 00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:05,702 for women who are carrying especially big. 87 00:04:05,736 --> 00:04:07,470 Homer, can you demonstrate? 88 00:04:07,504 --> 00:04:09,105 Mm-hmm. 89 00:04:09,139 --> 00:04:10,373 Mm... 90 00:04:10,407 --> 00:04:13,876 Oh. Yeah, wow, that does feel good. 91 00:04:13,911 --> 00:04:15,378 Oh, no, I think it's coming. 92 00:04:15,412 --> 00:04:17,747 Oh, I haven't even picked a name yet. 93 00:04:17,781 --> 00:04:20,049 You did this to me. 94 00:04:20,084 --> 00:04:21,050 No, I didn't. 95 00:04:21,085 --> 00:04:22,485 I'm talking to the baby. 96 00:04:22,519 --> 00:04:24,887 Here it comes. 97 00:04:24,922 --> 00:04:27,090 Um, I don't know how to tell you this, 98 00:04:27,124 --> 00:04:30,126 but your baby doesn't have any legs. What? 99 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,327 Oh, wait, there's more. 100 00:04:31,362 --> 00:04:32,495 Mm. (grunts) 101 00:04:32,529 --> 00:04:34,063 (baby cries) 102 00:04:34,098 --> 00:04:35,331 It's a dude. 103 00:04:35,366 --> 00:04:37,133 And he's uncut. 104 00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:38,668 Very Euro. 105 00:04:38,702 --> 00:04:40,303 Now, hug your mommy. 106 00:04:40,337 --> 00:04:43,272 For unto you is born this day, in this elevator, 107 00:04:43,307 --> 00:04:45,742 inspected in August 2009, 108 00:04:45,776 --> 00:04:47,377 a baby. 109 00:04:47,411 --> 00:04:48,611 (elevator motor humming) 110 00:04:48,646 --> 00:04:49,779 (relieved sigh) 111 00:04:49,813 --> 00:04:52,448 Well, it was nice to share this moment 112 00:04:52,483 --> 00:04:53,916 with someone who cared. 113 00:04:53,951 --> 00:04:56,653 Yeah, that guy didn't even look over once. 114 00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:58,554 Lobby please. 115 00:05:00,824 --> 00:05:02,025 (grunts) 116 00:05:02,059 --> 00:05:04,193 (moans) How was work? 117 00:05:04,228 --> 00:05:05,628 Miraculous. 118 00:05:05,663 --> 00:05:06,663 Mm? 119 00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:09,165 Mothers are so awesome. 120 00:05:09,199 --> 00:05:10,366 Oh. 121 00:05:11,902 --> 00:05:13,603 These are great seats. 122 00:05:13,637 --> 00:05:15,505 You can hear the players swear from up here. 123 00:05:15,539 --> 00:05:18,341 PLAYER: I'll kick your ass, Milhouse. 124 00:05:18,375 --> 00:05:21,044 ANNOUNCER: And now, to take your minds off the massive concussion 125 00:05:21,078 --> 00:05:23,346 and subdural hematoma you just witnessed, 126 00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:28,051 please welcome the Springfield Atomettes. 127 00:05:28,085 --> 00:05:31,187 Now, for this routine, we need the help 128 00:05:31,221 --> 00:05:33,423 of a junior Atomette. 129 00:05:37,194 --> 00:05:39,195 They're picking me, Dad. 130 00:05:39,229 --> 00:05:41,664 Don't call me "Dad." If people think peanut vendors 131 00:05:41,699 --> 00:05:43,332 have families, it's too sad. 132 00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:45,401 ANNOUNCER: Looks like we've got a volunteer... 133 00:05:45,436 --> 00:05:48,438 right there. (gasps) 134 00:05:50,941 --> 00:05:52,642 Look, while I'd like to help, 135 00:05:52,676 --> 00:05:55,311 I'm kind of pessimistic about the team's chances. 136 00:05:55,345 --> 00:05:57,880 They're gonna get creamed. 137 00:05:57,915 --> 00:06:00,049 Go, go, go! 138 00:06:02,152 --> 00:06:03,720 Mm? 139 00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:04,954 (crowd cheering) 140 00:06:04,988 --> 00:06:07,023 Uh... 141 00:06:07,057 --> 00:06:09,058 ♪ 142 00:06:10,294 --> 00:06:12,562 (crowd cheering, whooping) 143 00:06:14,298 --> 00:06:16,365 I'm dating a cheerleader. 144 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:17,867 LISA (in the distance): No, you're not. 145 00:06:17,901 --> 00:06:20,470 PLAYER: Burned again, Milhouse. 146 00:06:20,504 --> 00:06:22,472 (crowd chatter) 147 00:06:23,574 --> 00:06:26,209 Wow, that was great. 148 00:06:26,243 --> 00:06:28,711 Can I have my regular clothes back, please? 149 00:06:28,746 --> 00:06:31,347 No... problem. 150 00:06:31,381 --> 00:06:32,615 Great job, ladies. 151 00:06:32,649 --> 00:06:34,584 Now here's your 50 bucks each 152 00:06:34,618 --> 00:06:37,954 which should just about cover your parking. 153 00:06:37,988 --> 00:06:40,056 I can't believe he pays you so little. 154 00:06:40,090 --> 00:06:42,391 The crowd was crazy about you. 155 00:06:42,426 --> 00:06:44,727 I know, but what are we gonna do about it? 156 00:06:44,762 --> 00:06:47,096 If we pipe up they'll put us in the mascot costume. 157 00:06:47,131 --> 00:06:48,598 WOMEN: Ew. 158 00:06:48,632 --> 00:06:51,667 After you wear that, you need to be hosed down for bedbugs. 159 00:06:53,570 --> 00:06:55,705 Good game, everyone. I never dreamed 160 00:06:55,739 --> 00:06:57,640 a night where you discovered I was cheating 161 00:06:57,674 --> 00:07:00,743 and beat the crap out of me could end on such an up note. 162 00:07:00,778 --> 00:07:01,944 See you next week. 163 00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:04,380 WOMAN: Homer. 164 00:07:04,414 --> 00:07:06,482 Hmm? Hey, Gretchen. 165 00:07:06,517 --> 00:07:08,451 I had your jacket cleaned. 166 00:07:08,485 --> 00:07:10,386 Good as new. And thanks for loaning me 167 00:07:10,420 --> 00:07:12,054 your sweater for the ride home. 168 00:07:12,089 --> 00:07:14,290 It may be a little stretched out. 169 00:07:14,324 --> 00:07:16,626 Geez, that was a pregnancy sweater. 170 00:07:16,660 --> 00:07:19,629 So, you want to hold little Homer? 171 00:07:19,663 --> 00:07:22,965 Wow, so nw there's two things named after me-- 172 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,170 a baby, and a law banning air horns after 3:00 a.m. 173 00:07:28,205 --> 00:07:31,073 (nasally): Aw that's sweet. 174 00:07:35,148 --> 00:07:36,548 (tires screech) 175 00:07:38,218 --> 00:07:39,685 MOE: Read 'em and weep. 176 00:07:39,719 --> 00:07:41,787 The novels of Charlotte Bronte. 177 00:07:41,821 --> 00:07:44,356 CARL: Um, I thought we were playing cards. 178 00:07:47,660 --> 00:07:48,961 Uh, hey. 179 00:07:48,995 --> 00:07:50,629 I was just driving by 180 00:07:50,663 --> 00:07:53,198 with some baby stuff we didn't need 181 00:07:53,233 --> 00:07:56,301 and, uh, well, here's some diapers Maggie's too big for, 182 00:07:56,336 --> 00:08:01,039 and an incredible educational toy I forgot to give Bart. 183 00:08:01,074 --> 00:08:04,409 Thanks. Hey, could you babysit for an hour? 184 00:08:04,444 --> 00:08:06,311 I've been alone with the baby for days. 185 00:08:06,346 --> 00:08:07,980 Wow, I'd love to help, 186 00:08:08,014 --> 00:08:10,916 but I did kind of have plans for tonight. 187 00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:12,985 MOE: No, you can't leave. I'm dealin' you in. 188 00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:14,586 (grunts) (screams) 189 00:08:14,621 --> 00:08:15,754 Full house? 190 00:08:15,788 --> 00:08:18,390 You win again? 191 00:08:18,424 --> 00:08:21,460 I think I'll be good tonight and stay in with you. 192 00:08:22,862 --> 00:08:27,866 ♪ Baby, baby, please let me hold him ♪ 193 00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:29,568 Where's Hoju? 194 00:08:29,602 --> 00:08:31,336 Where's Hoju? 195 00:08:31,371 --> 00:08:33,572 (screams) Where's Hoju? 196 00:08:33,606 --> 00:08:35,574 Where's Hoju? 197 00:08:35,608 --> 00:08:37,342 Where's Hoju?! 198 00:08:37,377 --> 00:08:39,311 (sobbing) ♪ We want to make him stay up all night ♪ 199 00:08:39,345 --> 00:08:41,179 ♪ Yeah, we do. 200 00:08:41,214 --> 00:08:43,215 ♪ 201 00:08:47,587 --> 00:08:48,887 (song ends) 202 00:08:48,921 --> 00:08:51,223 ♪ Itchy and Scratchy show. 203 00:08:52,625 --> 00:08:56,428 ♪ A child arrived just the other day ♪ 204 00:08:56,462 --> 00:08:57,763 ♪ He came to the world in the usual way ♪ 205 00:08:57,797 --> 00:09:00,532 ♪ But there were planes to catch ♪ 206 00:09:00,566 --> 00:09:01,767 ♪ And bills to pay 207 00:09:01,801 --> 00:09:04,403 ♪ He learned to walk while I was away ♪ 208 00:09:04,437 --> 00:09:07,539 ♪ And he was talking 'fore I knew it ♪ 209 00:09:07,573 --> 00:09:11,310 ♪ And as he grew, he'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad" ♪ 210 00:09:11,344 --> 00:09:13,945 ♪ "You know I'm gonna be like you" ♪ 211 00:09:16,516 --> 00:09:18,617 ♪ And the cat's in the cradle... ♪ 212 00:09:18,651 --> 00:09:20,285 (explosion, music stops) 213 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,055 Kids blow up so fast. 214 00:09:23,089 --> 00:09:25,624 (Homer humming) 215 00:09:25,658 --> 00:09:27,826 Oh! Homie? 216 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:30,395 Aw, you're shopping ahead for Maggie. 217 00:09:30,430 --> 00:09:32,097 Oh, no, I'm shopping for Homer Jr., 218 00:09:32,131 --> 00:09:33,765 a baby I delivered in an elevator 219 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,634 the night I pretended to go to work 220 00:09:35,668 --> 00:09:36,968 but was really playing poker. 221 00:09:37,003 --> 00:09:38,236 What?! 222 00:09:38,271 --> 00:09:40,105 (grunting) 223 00:09:40,139 --> 00:09:42,307 This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, 224 00:09:42,342 --> 00:09:44,242 a subsidiary of your penis. 225 00:09:44,277 --> 00:09:48,246 Oh, yes, I'm shopping for Maggie, our baby together, 226 00:09:48,281 --> 00:09:50,148 so this looks perfectly innocent. 227 00:09:50,183 --> 00:09:51,950 Why are you saying that? 228 00:09:51,984 --> 00:09:54,186 Oh, you know how the first few weeks are: 229 00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:56,922 sleep deprived, walking around in a fog. 230 00:09:56,956 --> 00:09:59,091 First few weeks of what? 231 00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:00,492 Um, November. 232 00:10:00,526 --> 00:10:01,927 (groans) 233 00:10:01,961 --> 00:10:03,662 (grunting, low chatter) 234 00:10:03,696 --> 00:10:05,430 Hey, Atomette. 235 00:10:05,465 --> 00:10:07,199 I want to say... Caitlin? 236 00:10:07,233 --> 00:10:09,101 Lisa. Guys, do you realize 237 00:10:09,135 --> 00:10:11,036 you're being exploited by this team? 238 00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:12,838 ALL: Wha...? 239 00:10:12,872 --> 00:10:14,439 They sell your posters, 240 00:10:14,474 --> 00:10:15,607 workout DVDs, 241 00:10:15,641 --> 00:10:16,775 and all of your practices 242 00:10:16,809 --> 00:10:18,410 are broadcast on a webcam. 243 00:10:24,150 --> 00:10:25,784 And some of the angles 244 00:10:25,818 --> 00:10:28,120 are low. 245 00:10:28,154 --> 00:10:30,021 But don't worry, collective bargaining 246 00:10:30,056 --> 00:10:32,290 will enable us to secure concessions. 247 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:36,528 Uh, we're gonna push 'em back, 248 00:10:36,562 --> 00:10:39,464 push 'em back, push 'em way, way back. 249 00:10:39,499 --> 00:10:41,199 All the way to a new contract. 250 00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:43,168 'Cause union power is a fact. 251 00:10:43,202 --> 00:10:44,870 And we're... 252 00:10:44,904 --> 00:10:46,338 Okay, okay, we get it. 253 00:10:46,372 --> 00:10:48,306 Well, look who's here. 254 00:10:48,341 --> 00:10:51,309 You been hit by the cheerleading bug, little lady? 255 00:10:51,344 --> 00:10:55,046 Actually, I've been hit by the unfair labor practices bug. 256 00:10:55,081 --> 00:10:58,350 What? Why, that's Samuel Gompers talk. 257 00:10:58,384 --> 00:11:02,053 Now, little missy, the only thing you should be organizin' 258 00:11:02,088 --> 00:11:03,555 is your dollies. 259 00:11:03,589 --> 00:11:06,892 How? By size, brand, value? 260 00:11:06,926 --> 00:11:09,227 And don't even suggest race, 'cause I don't see that. 261 00:11:09,262 --> 00:11:11,062 I just see little people I own. 262 00:11:11,097 --> 00:11:12,330 What do you say, ladies? 263 00:11:12,365 --> 00:11:14,065 (indistinct whispering) 264 00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:16,067 Not right, not fair. 265 00:11:16,102 --> 00:11:18,136 Let's say it with our hair. 266 00:11:23,042 --> 00:11:24,543 Okay, fine. 267 00:11:24,577 --> 00:11:26,211 I'm gonna give it some thought, 268 00:11:26,245 --> 00:11:29,080 then say no in the nicest way possible. 269 00:11:29,115 --> 00:11:31,116 No. 270 00:11:35,888 --> 00:11:38,023 Oh, good. 271 00:11:38,057 --> 00:11:39,724 Nice. 272 00:11:39,759 --> 00:11:41,126 "Beat Dallas." 273 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,762 Can never argue with that. 274 00:11:43,796 --> 00:11:48,233 Hey, ladies. My vest isn't the only thing that's ripped. 275 00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:50,769 I am in the market for a backup mistress. 276 00:11:50,803 --> 00:11:52,137 Possibly two. 277 00:11:52,171 --> 00:11:54,039 Have you kids seen your father? 278 00:11:54,073 --> 00:11:57,142 Surprised he's not here ogling these girls. 279 00:11:57,176 --> 00:11:58,643 He said he was going to work. 280 00:11:58,678 --> 00:12:00,612 On a Friday afternoon? 281 00:12:00,646 --> 00:12:03,448 (gasps) I bet he's playing poker again. 282 00:12:03,483 --> 00:12:04,549 Coming through. 283 00:12:04,584 --> 00:12:06,117 Wife on a mission. 284 00:12:06,152 --> 00:12:07,619 Go, fight, win. 285 00:12:07,653 --> 00:12:08,753 Marge. 286 00:12:10,523 --> 00:12:12,991 Wow, I've never burst through a banner before, 287 00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:15,193 but it really does the trick. 288 00:12:15,228 --> 00:12:16,428 (pounding on door) 289 00:12:16,462 --> 00:12:18,897 Homer, I know you're here. 290 00:12:18,931 --> 00:12:20,499 Your car's outside. 291 00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:22,267 Where is he? 292 00:12:22,301 --> 00:12:23,935 I honestly don't know. 293 00:12:23,970 --> 00:12:26,972 I'm just teaching myself massage here with online videos 294 00:12:27,006 --> 00:12:28,106 and a store mannequin. 295 00:12:28,140 --> 00:12:31,176 Oh, I'm so sorry. 296 00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:33,512 So, do you have any injuries I should know about? 297 00:12:33,546 --> 00:12:34,746 Oh! 298 00:12:34,780 --> 00:12:37,148 Hmm, if he's not in there, where is he? 299 00:12:37,183 --> 00:12:38,850 HOMER: Oh, baby. 300 00:12:38,885 --> 00:12:41,353 Oh, baby, shake it. Homer like. 301 00:12:41,387 --> 00:12:43,755 (gasps) Oh. 302 00:12:43,789 --> 00:12:46,424 Shake it. Now, roll over on your tummy, 303 00:12:46,459 --> 00:12:47,759 just like I taught you. 304 00:12:47,793 --> 00:12:49,928 Tell me what a cow says. 305 00:12:49,962 --> 00:12:51,429 (toy moos) 306 00:12:51,464 --> 00:12:53,498 Aah! My other baby mama. 307 00:12:53,533 --> 00:12:55,667 So this is where you've been going. 308 00:12:55,701 --> 00:12:58,169 Another woman's apartment. 309 00:12:58,204 --> 00:13:00,005 Marge, it's not what you think. 310 00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:01,940 Quiet. You're upsetting Homer Jr. 311 00:13:01,974 --> 00:13:04,442 (quietly): You have a baby together? 312 00:13:04,477 --> 00:13:05,677 Oh, it's cool. 313 00:13:05,711 --> 00:13:07,479 We did it in an elevator. 314 00:13:07,513 --> 00:13:10,181 (gasps) I'm a Schwarzenegger wife. 315 00:13:10,216 --> 00:13:13,151 But you're also the housekeeper, so it's all good. 316 00:13:13,185 --> 00:13:14,219 It's not good. 317 00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:15,720 None of it's good. 318 00:13:15,755 --> 00:13:17,689 I haven't had a drink for a week. 319 00:13:17,723 --> 00:13:19,124 That is pretty good. 320 00:13:22,397 --> 00:13:24,918 So then you delivered her baby 321 00:13:24,919 --> 00:13:27,721 right there in the elevator. It's true. 322 00:13:27,755 --> 00:13:30,223 Even the other guy in the elevator-- he's right here. 323 00:13:30,258 --> 00:13:32,592 And the really funny thing is I'm a doctor. 324 00:13:34,128 --> 00:13:36,329 Well, I'm glad you did a good deed, 325 00:13:36,364 --> 00:13:38,265 but you shouldn't come here again. 326 00:13:38,299 --> 00:13:40,800 I thought that was strange poop on your collar. 327 00:13:40,835 --> 00:13:42,168 (moans sadly) 328 00:13:42,203 --> 00:13:43,670 Good-bye, Homer Jr. 329 00:13:43,704 --> 00:13:45,772 I guess you're the man of the house now. 330 00:13:45,806 --> 00:13:47,073 And never forget, 331 00:13:47,108 --> 00:13:49,409 even though the mortgage is due on the first, 332 00:13:49,443 --> 00:13:52,345 you can usually wait till the 17th. 333 00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:55,081 (sobbing) 334 00:13:55,116 --> 00:13:57,284 You know what? 335 00:13:57,318 --> 00:14:00,353 I think it's fine if Homer spends a few hours 336 00:14:00,388 --> 00:14:01,921 now and then with... 337 00:14:01,956 --> 00:14:03,790 Homer Jr. 338 00:14:03,824 --> 00:14:05,191 Exactly. 339 00:14:05,226 --> 00:14:07,327 You always said charity begins at home. 340 00:14:07,361 --> 00:14:08,795 But not which home. 341 00:14:08,829 --> 00:14:11,798 It's true, I never specified the home. 342 00:14:11,832 --> 00:14:13,800 ♪ There's a great and a bloody fight ♪ 343 00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:15,535 ♪ 'Round this whole world tonight ♪ 344 00:14:15,569 --> 00:14:18,438 ♪ And the battle, the bombs and shrapnel reign ♪ 345 00:14:18,472 --> 00:14:20,473 ♪ Hitler told the world around 346 00:14:20,508 --> 00:14:22,008 ♪ He would tear our union down ♪ 347 00:14:22,043 --> 00:14:25,211 ♪ But our union's gonna break them slavery chains ♪ 348 00:14:25,246 --> 00:14:29,149 ♪ Our union's gonna break them slavery chains ♪ 349 00:14:29,183 --> 00:14:31,084 (tires screeching) 350 00:14:31,118 --> 00:14:35,555 ♪ I walked up on a mountain in the middle of the sky ♪ 351 00:14:35,589 --> 00:14:38,491 ♪ Could see every farm and every town ♪ 352 00:14:38,526 --> 00:14:41,461 ♪ I could see all the people in this whole wide world ♪ 353 00:14:41,495 --> 00:14:45,865 ♪ That's the union that'll tear the fascists down, down, down. ♪ 354 00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:49,235 Now to sing you a lullaby my father sung to me. 355 00:14:49,270 --> 00:14:51,571 ♪ Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep ♪ 356 00:14:51,605 --> 00:14:54,441 ♪ Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. ♪ 357 00:14:54,475 --> 00:14:56,476 (snoring softly) 358 00:14:58,746 --> 00:15:02,349 Oh, man, I really overdid it tonight. 359 00:15:02,383 --> 00:15:03,850 Late night at Moe's, eh? 360 00:15:03,884 --> 00:15:05,752 No, I'm exhausted from 361 00:15:05,786 --> 00:15:08,254 ♪ Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. ♪ 362 00:15:08,289 --> 00:15:10,223 It's the toes that get you, Marge. 363 00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:11,558 It's the toes. 364 00:15:11,592 --> 00:15:13,226 What about your own children? 365 00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:16,096 Way ahead of you, Marge, I'm taking all four 366 00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:18,031 of my kids to the zoo tomorrow. 367 00:15:18,065 --> 00:15:19,232 Three. 368 00:15:19,266 --> 00:15:20,567 Yes, we'll be back by 3:00. 369 00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:22,435 Homer has a very tight nap schedule. 370 00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:24,704 Quit talking about that baby. 371 00:15:24,739 --> 00:15:27,273 I was talking about myself in the third person. 372 00:15:27,308 --> 00:15:28,842 Oh. 373 00:15:29,610 --> 00:15:31,678 We can't take much more of this, Lisa. 374 00:15:31,712 --> 00:15:34,581 The girls are getting so antsy they'll cheer anything. 375 00:15:34,615 --> 00:15:36,950 You're the greatest generation, 376 00:15:36,984 --> 00:15:39,519 worthy of our veneration. 377 00:15:39,553 --> 00:15:42,021 Go Grampa! 378 00:15:42,056 --> 00:15:45,792 If this is heaven, why don't my shoes match? 379 00:15:45,826 --> 00:15:47,861 (doorbell rings) 380 00:15:47,895 --> 00:15:50,764 (deep sigh) Okay, I give up. 381 00:15:50,798 --> 00:15:54,100 I'm gonna do what we secretly did at the Alamo-- 382 00:15:54,135 --> 00:15:55,402 surrender. 383 00:15:55,436 --> 00:15:56,803 (cheering) 384 00:15:56,837 --> 00:15:59,072 While you're at it, how about a little boost 385 00:15:59,106 --> 00:16:00,573 for peanut vendors? 386 00:16:00,608 --> 00:16:03,910 What do you think I'm taking their raise out of? 387 00:16:07,681 --> 00:16:10,483 (jabbering happily) 388 00:16:10,518 --> 00:16:12,285 I wanted you all to be happy together, 389 00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:13,753 so I brought you to the zoo 390 00:16:13,788 --> 00:16:16,656 where all the animals live in harmony. 391 00:16:18,993 --> 00:16:20,326 (growls) 392 00:16:20,361 --> 00:16:22,061 (triumphant wail) 393 00:16:22,096 --> 00:16:24,130 Okay, guys, I got your ice creams. 394 00:16:27,435 --> 00:16:29,002 Hey, ah, ah, ah. 395 00:16:29,036 --> 00:16:31,938 Now, Maggie, we don't hurt each other in this family. 396 00:16:31,972 --> 00:16:33,573 Are you nuts? 397 00:16:33,607 --> 00:16:35,508 You can't even kiss me good night without slicing me 398 00:16:35,543 --> 00:16:37,477 with your stubble. Why you little... 399 00:16:37,511 --> 00:16:39,579 I'll give you a good-night kiss you'll never forget. 400 00:16:39,613 --> 00:16:40,814 Come here, you. 401 00:16:40,848 --> 00:16:42,549 (grunting) Aah, ooh, ah! 402 00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:44,984 Ah! Ow! Yeah! 403 00:16:45,019 --> 00:16:49,355 Dad, we're missing the giant capybaras of Uruguay. 404 00:16:52,126 --> 00:16:54,494 Okay, I know what'll cheer you kids up. 405 00:16:54,528 --> 00:16:57,096 Seeing me out-monkey the monkeys. 406 00:16:57,965 --> 00:16:59,966 (hooting like a monkey) 407 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,001 (angry hooting, screeching) 408 00:17:02,036 --> 00:17:04,370 I have a soul and you guys don't. 409 00:17:04,405 --> 00:17:05,472 (hooting) 410 00:17:05,506 --> 00:17:07,373 Aah! Monkeys! 411 00:17:09,343 --> 00:17:10,677 (grunts) 412 00:17:10,711 --> 00:17:12,779 (angry grunt) 413 00:17:17,885 --> 00:17:20,053 Dad, Maggie's rolling away. 414 00:17:20,087 --> 00:17:22,188 (gasps) She's heading for Prairie Dog Village. 415 00:17:22,223 --> 00:17:23,690 If they get her in their warrens, 416 00:17:23,724 --> 00:17:25,425 we'll never see her again. 417 00:17:25,459 --> 00:17:26,960 (chittering) 418 00:17:26,994 --> 00:17:28,628 Look, shiny keys. 419 00:17:28,662 --> 00:17:29,696 Jingle jangle. 420 00:17:29,730 --> 00:17:32,232 (grunts, laughs) Stupid monkeys. 421 00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:40,373 That's it, Maggie, use the Dino-Wand. 422 00:17:48,883 --> 00:17:52,986 This is the last time you'll see that elevator baby. 423 00:17:53,020 --> 00:17:55,655 I'm sorry, Homer Jr. 424 00:17:55,689 --> 00:17:58,558 You'll occupy an idealized place in my heart 425 00:17:58,592 --> 00:18:01,861 that no one can ever quite fill. 426 00:18:01,896 --> 00:18:04,764 (Homer sobbing) 427 00:18:04,798 --> 00:18:07,901 Therapy, please. Me, too. 428 00:18:07,935 --> 00:18:10,169 Okay, I've got to impart all my fatherly advice 429 00:18:10,204 --> 00:18:11,704 in this one walk. 430 00:18:11,739 --> 00:18:14,841 The sky is blue, but nobody really knows why. 431 00:18:14,875 --> 00:18:16,543 Don't believe what they tell you. 432 00:18:16,577 --> 00:18:18,611 Girls are great and terrible at the same time. 433 00:18:18,646 --> 00:18:20,079 Get used to it. 434 00:18:20,114 --> 00:18:22,382 And, most importantly... Oops, we're here. 435 00:18:22,416 --> 00:18:24,551 You'll have to figure it out on your own. 436 00:18:26,086 --> 00:18:28,454 Sorry, little fella. One day I'll be that guy 437 00:18:28,489 --> 00:18:31,024 who comes to your wedding, makes you feel a little weird, 438 00:18:31,058 --> 00:18:32,458 and then runs away. 439 00:18:32,493 --> 00:18:33,760 Homer, great news. 440 00:18:33,794 --> 00:18:35,194 Chase came back. 441 00:18:35,229 --> 00:18:36,963 (whoops) Who's Chase? 442 00:18:36,997 --> 00:18:38,431 Homer Jr.'s father. 443 00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:41,568 Oh, my God, is that my son? 444 00:18:41,602 --> 00:18:43,036 You didn't tell me he was a soldier. 445 00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:44,971 You didn't tell me you were pregnant. 446 00:18:45,005 --> 00:18:47,140 I didn't want you to marry me because I was pregnant. 447 00:18:47,174 --> 00:18:49,409 I wanted you to marry me because I was nagging you. 448 00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:50,977 (fusses) 449 00:18:51,011 --> 00:18:53,746 Um, he likes it if you tickle his toes. 450 00:18:53,781 --> 00:18:55,548 Dude, he's my kid. He likes what I like. 451 00:18:55,583 --> 00:18:57,250 But n-n-n-nurture. 452 00:18:57,284 --> 00:18:59,452 Gretch, I think he's got my calves. 453 00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:01,254 He does, baby, he does. 454 00:19:01,288 --> 00:19:03,590 Can I just say good-bye to him quick? 455 00:19:03,624 --> 00:19:04,591 Sure. 456 00:19:04,625 --> 00:19:06,392 I guess this is it, little guy. 457 00:19:06,427 --> 00:19:07,357 Da-da. 458 00:19:07,382 --> 00:19:10,421 (gasps) The most beautiful words a father can hear. 459 00:19:10,464 --> 00:19:13,499 Da-da. Da-da. Oh. 460 00:19:13,534 --> 00:19:15,768 Hey, one day you'll have kids of your own. 461 00:19:15,803 --> 00:19:16,812 I do. 462 00:19:16,837 --> 00:19:19,512 Really? Then this is much creepier than I thought. 463 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:20,974 Much. 464 00:19:22,409 --> 00:19:24,611 Shouldn't have bet his door if he didn't want to lose it. 465 00:19:24,645 --> 00:19:26,613 (sighs) 466 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,488 Hi, Maggie. If you could talk, 467 00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:38,558 I know you'd have a few choice words for me. 468 00:19:40,394 --> 00:19:43,763 You want me to take care of your dolly? 469 00:19:43,797 --> 00:19:47,533 That's the sweetest thing any baby has ever done for me. 470 00:20:00,570 --> 00:20:02,203 Honey, you know where the bottle opener is? 471 00:20:02,238 --> 00:20:03,738 I think it's in the drawer. 472 00:20:05,174 --> 00:20:06,708 Whoa, little dude. 473 00:20:06,742 --> 00:20:07,943 Where did you learn that? 474 00:20:12,715 --> 00:20:16,051 This is what we're fighting for, babe. 475 00:20:16,085 --> 00:20:17,819 (marching band playing theme song ) 476 00:20:17,853 --> 00:20:19,955 HOMER: Hey, what's this marching band have to do with Homer Jr.? 477 00:20:19,989 --> 00:20:21,423 What?! 478 00:20:21,457 --> 00:20:24,392 There were cheerleaders in our house and nobody told me? 479 00:20:24,427 --> 00:20:26,394 (Homer moans) 480 00:20:26,429 --> 00:20:31,429 Captioning sponsored by 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 481 00:21:02,457 --> 00:21:03,549 Shh!