1
00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:05,069
Oh, hey, I was wondering
about date night tonight.
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:05,271 --> 00:00:08,138
Um, do you wannajust stay in?
You know what that means.
3
00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:10,434
- Dinner and Homeland?
- Sex on the couch.
4
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,702
- Or your thing.
- Homeland sounds great.
5
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:15,005
- Or your thing.
- Hey, Nick. Um...
6
00:00:15,215 --> 00:00:18,514
Last night when Ferguson and I
were in the shower, I had an epiphany.
7
00:00:18,785 --> 00:00:22,846
It's time to get back in the game.
Meet some women. Human women.
8
00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:24,920
"Human"? Is there any other kind?
9
00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:28,753
I was wondering if you'd watch Ferguson
while I go out with work buddies?
10
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:30,792
Just a little while. Give him a pill.
11
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,464
- We have date night.
- Jess...
12
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:37,966
...Winston wants to go out
to meet human women without the cat.
13
00:00:38,471 --> 00:00:42,305
Oh, yup, yup, yup.
Nick will watch the cat.
14
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,238
Question,
are those mouth pills or butt pills?
15
00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:47,776
Just one pill. Just one butt pill.
16
00:00:48,915 --> 00:00:51,884
- Here. No? Okay.
- I don't wanna touch that thing.
17
00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:53,944
- Thanks, man.
NICK: Yeah, you got it.
18
00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:55,745
Hey, just hanging at home today?
19
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,822
- No, we have a date tonight.
- I just made some cobbler.
20
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,823
Some peach cobbler
and slow-churned vanilla bean ice cream.
21
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:05,759
And Coach is asking Cece out on a date
tonight and... Anybody want a bite?
22
00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:08,434
Ha! Ha!
23
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:10,768
It's fresh out of the oven.
24
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:14,201
It was piping hot. Ha! Ha!
25
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:16,507
[SINGING]
Who's that girl?
26
00:01:16,709 --> 00:01:19,337
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
27
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,475
NICK: I hope Coach at least ran this
by you first.
28
00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:29,313
Coach came over, he followed the bro-code.
It actually went really well.
29
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:32,081
- Hey.
- Hey, just the man I wanted to see.
30
00:01:32,358 --> 00:01:34,724
- You found me.
- I did. I got a question for you.
31
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,895
- Hey, drop the bomb, man.
- Ha, ha.
32
00:01:37,397 --> 00:01:40,992
- Can I ask Cece out on a date?
- Yeah. Wait. What?
33
00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:44,067
Wait, that's so great for Cece.
Coach is super-hot.
34
00:01:46,539 --> 00:01:48,564
Wrong crowd, I see that now.
35
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:52,107
You blew it with Cece.
You have to be fine with this.
36
00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:53,709
- I am.
- You are?
37
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,574
- I promise I am.
- You are?
38
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,407
- One hundred percent fine.
- Fine?
39
00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,379
- Yeah, I'm absolutely fine.
- Really?
40
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,712
It's good for Cece,
for Coach, for America.
41
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,890
We might get another Tiger Woods
out of this. Wouldn't that be nice?
42
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,891
I'm probably getting ahead of myself.
Who knows if Cece will even say yes.
43
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,997
She said yes. We're going
to the Staples Center to watch a game tonight.
44
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:14,632
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
45
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,698
- Are you cool with this?
- Hmm?
46
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,332
All you have to do is say the word.
I'll back off for real.
47
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,573
No, man. Come on, date that thing.
48
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,110
- Yeah. And then date it again.
- Yeah. All right.
49
00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:30,781
- It's not gonna date itself.
SCHMIDT: Yeah, all night long.
50
00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:32,541
I'm kind of nervous.
51
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:34,475
Yeah, I'm nervous.
52
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,483
Yeah, I'm really nervous. Um...
53
00:02:36,756 --> 00:02:40,055
I mean, she's beautiful and cool,
and, like, you don't even know.
54
00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:42,488
- I 100 percent know.
- Yes, you know, you know.
55
00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,491
She stopped the wedding because of me.
56
00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:46,288
I ruined it. I had my own thing.
57
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:49,366
Malia broke up with me.
It kind of threw my head for a loop.
58
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,503
I'm vulnerable right now,
I don't know, feeling insecure.
59
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:55,866
Come on. You're Coach.
You're the coach.
60
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,134
Yeah. You're the prize, remember.
61
00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,879
You're the prize. You're the prize.
62
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,139
- I'm Coach. Ha, ha.
- Yeah, you're Coach.
63
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,879
- She doesn't stand a chance.
SCHMIDT: Yeah.
64
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,747
- She's gonna get it good.
- Or you could take it slow.
65
00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:11,081
- No, I'm gunning it.
- You're gonna gun it?
66
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:12,382
- Gunning it.
- For real?
67
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,889
That first-class ass is sitting
in coach tonight.
68
00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:19,030
And best believe, my seat will be
in an upright and locked position.
69
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:20,961
Thanks, Schmidt.
70
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,770
Oh. Boy, he's gonna gun it.
71
00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:29,941
I don't know if you heard that,
but he said he's gonna gun it.
72
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,181
He's really not fine.
73
00:03:36,449 --> 00:03:39,179
When he says "I'm fine,"
he's about to get un-fine.
74
00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:40,944
Oh, Schmidters...
75
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:45,817
...there's gonna be other open mics
with sturdier stools.
76
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,356
I'm fine.
77
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:51,860
I know you're fine.
Then they'll see your rap skills. Then... Hey.
78
00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:54,123
Stop, you just said you were fine.
79
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,665
- You just said you were fine.
- Let me die.
80
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,370
I know Schmidt.
81
00:03:58,605 --> 00:04:00,971
He's gonna try and stop that date
from happening.
82
00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:03,732
- So the strategy is containment.
- Okay.
83
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:06,570
Okay, we gotta lock him up,
distract him like a baby.
84
00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:10,009
- He gets out of line, we gotta get physical.
- Physical with a baby?
85
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,842
Don't question me. I'm a pro.
86
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,347
Or we can help him move on.
87
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:16,077
Take him out, get him drunk,
maybe meet someone new.
88
00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:19,450
We gotta keep him in a safe place.
Ah, I wish I had that dog cage.
89
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:22,827
- What?
- You see a dog cage for sale, you buy it.
90
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,030
Hey, Jess, about tonight, I'm so sorry...
91
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,460
No, it's okay, we'll have date night
when we're married...
92
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:28,725
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
93
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:32,371
- What did you just...?
- Merry, when we're very Merry Christmas.
94
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,095
Hey, moving on.
95
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:38,470
Hey. Uh, I'm having second thoughts
about Coach and Cece.
96
00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:41,407
- Maybe I should stop their date.
- Smarten up.
97
00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:43,843
Thank you. Um...
98
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:47,577
- Did you get a chance to get the dog cage?
- No.
99
00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,082
- You didn't?
- I feel bad.
100
00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:51,051
- That was the solution.
NICK: I know.
101
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,759
Yeah, Jess. So I just buzzed him up.
102
00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:56,686
He asked me out on a date
and I said yes.
103
00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:59,864
We're both going through a break-up
right now, which is good, right?
104
00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:01,896
Gun it. You'll gun it.
105
00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:03,125
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
106
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,861
- Okay, he's here. Okay, bye.
JESS: Don't go past second base.
107
00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:09,640
- Hey.
- Hey.
108
00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:12,709
Wow. Uh, you look amazing.
109
00:05:13,212 --> 00:05:15,806
- Uh, you look...
- Aw.
110
00:05:16,916 --> 00:05:17,905
This.
111
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:23,555
I gave you this because you look this,
this and this.
112
00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:26,884
I'll give you all these. No, not. Uh...
113
00:05:27,126 --> 00:05:28,718
I'm really excited about the game.
114
00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:32,761
- Yeah. Ha, ha. Yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna go get my purse.
115
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,023
- Okay.
- Okay.
116
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,564
What's wrong with you?
117
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:39,169
You're the prize.
You're the prize. Get it together.
118
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:41,662
- Hey.
- Hey.
119
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:44,239
What's up, man? Ha, ha.
120
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,912
What's up? What's up? What's up?
121
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:51,450
SCHMIDT:
Really appreciate this, guys.
122
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:55,443
Are you guys hungry?
123
00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:56,677
- Always.
- Yeah.
124
00:05:56,956 --> 00:05:59,015
I'm gonna go get food
from the Staples Center.
125
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:00,249
Hey, easy. Chill out.
126
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:01,687
SCHMIDT:
You're right.
127
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:02,950
NICK:
Hey, Winston.
128
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,664
What happened?
You were supposed to go to a party.
129
00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:09,425
Yeah, it's been so long that I think
I forgot how to talk to women.
130
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:13,662
Do you ever wonder if someone in here
has killed someone? Ha, ha.
131
00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:17,469
Ferguson is his name, my cat.
Here he is in a cowboy hat.
132
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,974
Good Lord, darling,
how big are your feet?
133
00:06:20,513 --> 00:06:23,107
You know what? It's fine.
I'll be alone my whole life.
134
00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:26,978
Hank Aaron was alone for every home run
he hit. As long as I got Ferguson.
135
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:30,115
Speaking of which,
where is that cat? Ferguson.
136
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:31,483
[WHISTLES]
137
00:06:31,691 --> 00:06:33,784
Strange.
He usually comes when I call him.
138
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:37,888
Nick, you left the window open?
Oh, my God, no.
139
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:39,290
- Nick.
- What?
140
00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:42,126
He always tries to kick it with pigeons.
You let him out.
141
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:43,733
I just opened the window.
142
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:46,198
- I asked you to do one thing.
- I'm sorry.
143
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,101
- This is your fault.
NICK: I feel terrible.
144
00:06:48,307 --> 00:06:49,706
You're gonna help me find him.
145
00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:52,672
Winston, don't leave... Winston.
Okay, I'm coming, buddy.
146
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,210
Jess, stay here
and keep an eye on Schmidt.
147
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:58,110
No, no, no.
You can't leave me here with him.
148
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,114
She's right. What if it gets rough?
149
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,878
Nick, he is in pain. I can feel it.
150
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,646
- Don't you go.
- I'm so scared.
151
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:06,119
What do you want me to do?
152
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,348
- Stay.
- Don't go.
153
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,823
Everybody settle. This is my fault.
I'm coming.
154
00:07:10,062 --> 00:07:11,495
Schmidt, just get it together.
155
00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:14,825
Jess, sorry, just keep him here
and keep his mind off the date.
156
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,557
I gotta go. I'm sorry.
157
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:19,334
Let's find that damn cat.
158
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:21,065
[DOOR SLAMS]
159
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,174
What do you think Coach and Cece
are doing?
160
00:07:23,409 --> 00:07:24,398
I don't know.
161
00:07:24,677 --> 00:07:27,043
Probably just sat down.
Touching for the first time.
162
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,248
- I'm gonna stop the date.
- No.
163
00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:32,082
Ah.
164
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,379
Is that literally all you have?
165
00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:40,718
Oh, my God, we're screwed.
166
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,427
BOTH:
Nick.
167
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,234
Think. Coach gave me an out.
168
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:53,405
He said, "Just say the word and it's off."
I'm just gonna say the word.
169
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:54,663
No. No.
170
00:07:54,907 --> 00:07:57,273
- You call and you say...
- No, Schmidt.
171
00:07:57,510 --> 00:08:00,968
God, you can't do that to Cece.
She's just starting to move on.
172
00:08:01,247 --> 00:08:03,272
All we have to do is get through the night.
173
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:06,383
- Get your mind off her.
- What do you wanna start with?
174
00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:07,881
[SINGING]
Play it now
175
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:12,819
Play it now, my baby
Cracklin'Rosie, get on board
176
00:08:13,092 --> 00:08:14,286
What's happening?
177
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,688
[HUMMING]
178
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,125
Maybe go no shoes. I don't know.
179
00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:22,334
Okay, and this one's 10th grade, so.
180
00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:26,231
This one's from Evan G. Evan G. Was
the captain of the water polo team.
181
00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:28,497
"Hey, Jess, we both like lunch."
182
00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:29,968
Heh. That's true.
183
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,710
Oh, Landon. Oh, dude.
184
00:08:31,944 --> 00:08:34,742
[SINGING]
Play it now, play it now
185
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:38,341
Cracklin'Rosie, get on board
186
00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:41,451
Camyrn Manheim represents a woman
who was heckled by a clown.
187
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,281
- Dylan McDermott says...
- Can't stop thinking about Cece.
188
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,857
Okay. Nick said this would work.
Sit down. Stop thinking about Cece.
189
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:53,259
Wow. This leather is so smooth, brown.
190
00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:57,367
- It's just like Cece.
- That's weird.
191
00:08:57,637 --> 00:08:59,832
All right, I'm gonna lay down
for a little bit.
192
00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:01,334
Okay.
193
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,238
Oh, yes, it feels good.
194
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:14,879
Okay.
195
00:09:15,154 --> 00:09:16,416
What are you doing, Schmidt?
196
00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:18,351
- Nothing. Just go.
- No, no, no.
197
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:21,151
- Just go away.
- Okay, Schmidt, hey.
198
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,363
No, we're gonna get you out of here
and get you a new woman.
199
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,030
Nick said to stay at home.
200
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,960
Nick doesn't know everything.
201
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,964
Please stop. This is so disgusting.
I can't look at you.
202
00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:33,694
- This is gross. It's getting weird.
- One more kiss.
203
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:37,671
- No. You're kissing a sectional, you dummy.
- All right.
204
00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:40,639
That was the right move. You did good.
205
00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:43,371
NICK & WINSTON:
Ferguson.
206
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,510
- Ferguson.
- Come here, buddy.
207
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,343
Come on, you little son of a bitch.
208
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:51,284
Another lap around the park. Those mean
kids playing Frisbee are gone by now.
209
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:54,220
Winston. We've looked everywhere.
210
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,321
- What are you doing? Winston.
- Damn it.
211
00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:00,532
I should've never gone to that party.
212
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:04,031
No, the party was a good thing.
You should go to more parties...
213
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:07,433
Really? I got shot down by,
I don't know, 16 different women...
214
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:11,507
...and then I come home to find out
that you have misplaced my best friend.
215
00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:13,439
- Ferguson's your best friend?
- Yes.
216
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:16,341
- Would you listen to yourself? This is pathetic.
- Whoa.
217
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:20,578
- Pathetic is harsh. I didn't mean...
- Friends don't call friends pathetic.
218
00:10:20,853 --> 00:10:23,686
What do friends do when their other friend
is taking a shower with a cat?
219
00:10:23,889 --> 00:10:25,186
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
220
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:28,019
Wait, wait, wait.
221
00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:30,820
- I just got a text. Somebody found him.
- No way.
222
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:32,553
- Yes. Yes.
- Ferguson.
223
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,062
If that cat's alive, we're made up.
224
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:39,427
How are you liking that merch?
225
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,536
Oh, it's great, thanks.
226
00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:45,266
Yeah, yeah.
227
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,378
- You want a pretzel?
- I'm fine. Thanks.
228
00:10:47,613 --> 00:10:49,274
Wasn't a question. Hey, yo, Slice.
229
00:10:49,515 --> 00:10:52,643
Let me get about seven of them hot things.
230
00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:55,887
Don't you worry about the money.
It's cool, I got it, babe.
231
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,548
Coach had a good year today.
232
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:03,487
Yeah, when I agreed to go out with you,
this isn't what I expected.
233
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,731
I know, I hear that a lot, a lot.
234
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:13,267
Uh-oh! Ha, ha. Look at that.
Coach is blowing up.
235
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,939
I can't mingle with this trash.
I've been to the mountain top.
236
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:24,410
Okay, look. Look at me.
237
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,914
You are moving on.
Now, where's the old Schmidt?
238
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:31,146
When I moved in to the loft, you used to
pull so many ladies. You were legendary.
239
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:36,452
That year Hurricane Schmidt did demolish
a number of beach communities.
240
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,789
We're gonna go talk to this girl over here.
241
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:43,434
She's on a flip phone, Jess.
I mean, she's either poor or a time traveler.
242
00:11:43,669 --> 00:11:45,398
Hi. This is my friend Schmidt.
243
00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,435
And he's sweet and he's smart...
244
00:11:47,673 --> 00:11:50,437
...and has ajob I don't understand
but seems to pay well.
245
00:11:50,676 --> 00:11:51,938
- Schmidt, sit down.
- Okay.
246
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:54,112
I'm gonna give you two a moment.
247
00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:59,542
Look, you're a beautiful woman.
248
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:02,151
In another life,
we would have been lovers.
249
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:05,987
My soul mate is at a Sparks game
with another man.
250
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:07,988
- I need to get her.
- Poor thing...
251
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:11,196
Please don't interrupt.
Do you see that bug-eyed woman there?
252
00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:16,293
I need to ditch her
so I can go fulfill my destiny.
253
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:19,436
- Can you tell me when she looks away?
- Not now.
254
00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:22,538
Not now. Wait. Now.
255
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,436
What might have been.
256
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,009
Hey, Schmidt. No.
257
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:37,952
What do you think he's gonna look like?
You know, when we get him back.
258
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:41,755
Found him under the steps
eating a dead raccoon's eyeball.
259
00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:44,257
Your cat's a psycho.
260
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:46,828
Oh, did my baby have a tasty treat?
261
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,530
Ferguson, I missed you so much,
little buddy.
262
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,600
- They're very connected.
- I can relate.
263
00:12:51,871 --> 00:12:54,237
Got a beast of my own.
Hotchkiss, wake up.
264
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:57,565
We got company.
265
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,678
- Aw. Is that a squirrel?
- Squirrel? It's a hamster.
266
00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:03,575
You know what a squirrel looks like.
You've been outside.
267
00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:05,511
Figuring out the smell, I guess.
268
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:06,843
This guy's the best.
269
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:09,350
I'd rather stay home
and watch Grey's with him...
270
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:13,786
...than go out to some bar, try to impress
some douche bag dressed like a lumberjack.
271
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:15,993
- I'm done chasing men.
WINSTON: I hear that.
272
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:18,253
I am so done chasing women.
273
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:20,989
That's too bad.
274
00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:28,663
- Yeah, it's too bad.
- Heh.
275
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:30,130
You guys hungry?
276
00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:32,502
- No, thank you for the offer.
- I could eat.
277
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:34,770
Winston, do you like bologna?
278
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:38,844
The kind you have to peel the wrapper off
just to get to the meat.
279
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:41,143
Do you have pudding in a cup?
280
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:43,251
- I never have pudding in a cup.
- No.
281
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,516
- Is that good or bad that she doesn't?
- It's a good thing.
282
00:13:49,128 --> 00:13:51,096
I don't know what's going on here.
283
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:54,128
- Find Staples Center.
PHONE: Finding Starples Medical Supply.
284
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:57,426
- No, you dumb pocket robot.
PHONE: Dan Plummer Rubber Stumpers.
285
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:01,037
Now you're just making up words.
That's not even a place. Damn you.
286
00:14:01,273 --> 00:14:03,036
PHONE:
Maiden Worcester Sauce.
287
00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:04,264
Chocolate.
288
00:14:05,077 --> 00:14:06,066
Hi there.
289
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,773
I'm ruining a date
and don't wanna show up empty-handed.
290
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,415
I will take three of the, ooh,
the Dulce de Leches.
291
00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:14,949
Um...
292
00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:16,280
How about some caramels?
293
00:14:17,122 --> 00:14:19,613
Have anything that says,
"Sorry for cheating on you.
294
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,486
Please don't sleep with my friend"?
295
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:25,328
Of course you don't.
Look at that, samples.
296
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,962
What...? Who are you texting right now?
297
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:34,570
Uh, what are you talking about?
I'm not texting.
298
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:37,139
- You're texting right now.
- No, I'm just...
299
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,936
Whoever you were texting,
if you wanna be with them...
300
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:43,808
...you should go and be with them.
- You're so jealous.
301
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,017
Okay, yeah, you know what? That's it.
302
00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:49,312
That is the last straw. I'm out of here.
303
00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:53,181
Cece.
304
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,126
Bertie, have you always been a bus driver?
305
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,998
Used to manage a shoe store. Then I quit.
306
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:10,470
Had a few dark years.
I sold Christian T-shirts for a while.
307
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:13,906
- Okay.
- Got my tubes tied. Not cheap.
308
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:16,613
- This is a real honest conversation.
- Shut up, Nick.
309
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:19,818
Pulled myself out of that personal hell
and voilą.
310
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,178
You know, I like driving a bus.
311
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:26,414
I get to put whatever I want on the dash.
Keeps the darkness away.
312
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:31,719
- I also, uh... I paint.
- You paint?
313
00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:37,828
It's a boat.
314
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:39,560
No, I can see it's a boat.
315
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,909
All right, well, uh...
316
00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:47,339
...I better take my stomach medicine.
I gotta get up at 3:30.
317
00:15:47,579 --> 00:15:49,046
- Is that a. M?
- I drive a bus.
318
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:50,646
Will you eat your sandwich?
319
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:53,445
I don't like it.
320
00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:55,516
What about you, Winston?
Do you like it?
321
00:15:55,754 --> 00:15:56,914
I'm not gonna lie to you.
322
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:59,180
Sometimes, it was a little hard to chew.
323
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:02,258
Well, you can suck on it to make it soft.
324
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:03,553
[COUGHING]
325
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,427
Wow, is something happening
between you two?
326
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:12,568
Heh. Dude, she is so real.
327
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:13,794
Okay, good.
328
00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:15,540
You do me a favor. You owe me.
329
00:16:16,241 --> 00:16:19,267
Winston, I would love to.
Anything. I mean it, anything.
330
00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:21,069
- Okay.
- I owe you.
331
00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:23,943
I need you...
332
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:26,877
...to take Ferguson home for me
while I stay here...
333
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,087
...and, you know, see where this goes.
334
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,619
- Yes. This is a big moment.
- Yeah.
335
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:34,121
- I'm proud of you.
- Listen, Ferguson.
336
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:35,918
I'm about to do what adults do.
337
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:38,129
- I think that's enough.
- Wish me luck.
338
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:40,559
- This is a fat cat.
- It's a tough decision.
339
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:42,130
- Stay here.
- Okay, yeah.
340
00:16:42,368 --> 00:16:43,699
Cece, wait.
341
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:44,925
Please wait.
342
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:46,432
I was texting my mom.
343
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,765
MAN: Dork.
- Shut up.
344
00:16:50,442 --> 00:16:54,811
Oh, come on.
You really expect me to believe that?
345
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:56,207
No, I promise.
346
00:16:56,448 --> 00:17:01,442
My mom, she was texting me because
I was super-nervous about this date.
347
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:03,484
- Your mom?
- Look.
348
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:04,984
"Go get them, Booboo"?
349
00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:07,350
That's me. I'm Booboo.
350
00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:11,619
Why do you need inspirational quotes
from your mom just to talk to me?
351
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,229
I'm sorry.
352
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:17,928
I'm just... I'm coming out of this relationship
and, like...
353
00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:22,865
...I just... I don't know, I feel like
I don't know how to do this anymore.
354
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,109
I know how you feel.
355
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,771
You do?
356
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,005
Yeah.
357
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:31,682
Wow. Uh...
358
00:17:33,685 --> 00:17:36,017
I just wanna put on some Drake
and get up on you.
359
00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:38,950
- See, you're doing it again.
- Damn it. I know.
360
00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:40,317
- Sorry.
- Ha, ha.
361
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:45,460
Hey, Schmidt. What are you doing?
Why do you have all that chocolate?
362
00:17:45,697 --> 00:17:49,155
I'm going to go win her back. Do you know
where I can get a pretty candle?
363
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,164
No, come on, Schmidt, get in the car.
364
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:55,539
Get in the car.
365
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:56,968
I love her, Jess.
366
00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:00,469
I have to tell her.
367
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:03,772
Well, you can't. You have to let her go.
368
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,074
I know.
369
00:18:05,851 --> 00:18:07,284
Look, you're right, I know.
370
00:18:07,519 --> 00:18:11,285
- Okay, good. Come on, get back in the car...
- I also know that in 30 seconds...
371
00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:13,923
...I'll run away again,
and this time I'll lose you.
372
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:16,491
I'll go down alleys, I'll cut across parks.
373
00:18:16,728 --> 00:18:17,990
I would live in the shadows.
374
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:21,097
Just slithering, lurking,
trolling the darkness.
375
00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:25,529
Jess, there's only one way
for you to stop me.
376
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,204
I'll do it, whatever it is.
377
00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:29,165
Hit me with your car.
378
00:18:30,542 --> 00:18:32,203
What? No. No.
379
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:35,504
- It's the only way for you to stop me.
- No, that's crazy.
380
00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:38,079
Come on, Jess, now, do it. I deserve it.
381
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:41,342
I cheated on your best friend.
I tried to break up you and Nick.
382
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:42,815
- Hit the gas.
- No. No!
383
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:45,319
Jess, you do this or I'm gonna run.
384
00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:47,889
- I don't want to.
- Gonna give you to the count of three.
385
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,062
- No, I don't want to, Schmidt.
- Three, two... Do it for Cece.
386
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,093
Aah! Oh, my God.
387
00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,031
What the hell was that?
388
00:18:59,271 --> 00:19:00,966
You told me to hit you with the car.
389
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,936
- You just hit me with your vehicle.
- You asked me to.
390
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:06,906
- And you were really gonna do it?
- I barely tapped you.
391
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,636
These are my favorite utility khakis.
392
00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:12,247
Don't tell me to hit you with my car
if you don't want me to hit you.
393
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:13,849
- You're out of control.
- What?
394
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:17,283
MAN: Ma'am, please pull over.
SCHMIDT: Jess... Aah!
395
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,152
Oh, my God. Schmidt.
396
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:22,950
Son of a bitch.
397
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,931
- I know how this looks.
- Hit a man with your car?
398
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,600
Twice.
399
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,302
I only meant to hit you once.
400
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,937
- You hit me twice.
- Also, he asked me to hit him.
401
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:37,134
- I'm in a really weird place.
- I need to write a report.
402
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:40,173
She's not a criminal.
She was being a friend.
403
00:19:40,445 --> 00:19:42,970
I hit him because I care about him.
404
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:46,784
You guys are into some weird stuff.
405
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,185
Well...
406
00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:55,585
...congratulations.
407
00:19:55,827 --> 00:19:57,818
- You made it.
- Heh.
408
00:19:59,831 --> 00:20:01,958
- I did, didn't I?
- Yeah.
409
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:06,598
And hey, you know, don't worry
about the hospital bill. I'll pay it.
410
00:20:06,838 --> 00:20:09,033
Wait. Did you think that I was gonna...?
411
00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:14,268
- You hit me with your car and I thought...
- You told me to hit you with the car.
412
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:25,423
Schmidt, don't pretend you're fine.
I know you're not.
413
00:20:25,657 --> 00:20:27,022
I'm not fine.
414
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:31,790
But I will be.
415
00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:35,296
Let's just wait it out.
416
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:36,694
Okay.
417
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,339
God, it's been half an hour.
418
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,838
- Come up for air, you weirdos.
- Oh, God.
419
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:46,703
JESS:
Mm, mm, mm.
420
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,540
I'm getting kind of revved up.
421
00:20:49,781 --> 00:20:53,877
- Nick has some work to do.
- Oh, God. Give me a chocolate.
422
00:20:58,590 --> 00:20:59,818
[GROANS]
423
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:05,489
- Hey there.
- Hey.
424
00:21:05,697 --> 00:21:06,823
Hmm.
425
00:21:07,499 --> 00:21:08,557
Can I get some of that?
426
00:21:22,914 --> 00:21:25,542
- Mm-hm.
- You spending the night or what?
427
00:21:26,151 --> 00:21:27,277
Oh, hell, yeah.
428
00:21:27,686 --> 00:21:30,450
[NEIL DIAMOND'S "CRACKLIN' ROSIE"
PLAYING]
429
00:21:30,656 --> 00:21:34,114
Play it now, my baby
Cracklin'Rosie, make me smile
430
00:21:34,326 --> 00:21:35,884
I missed this so badly.
431
00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:38,889
Bah, bah-bah, bah, bah-bah
Ripped By mstoll