1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,280
We're gonna have some
fun tonight, Pawnee!
2
00:00:04,624 --> 00:00:07,358
Who is ready to play 60?
3
00:00:07,683 --> 00:00:10,434
- Everybody on the field!
- Yeah!
4
00:00:11,322 --> 00:00:15,522
The NFL has a campaign to try to get
kids active for 60 minutes per day.
5
00:00:15,547 --> 00:00:18,941
And so we bused in a hundred
lucky, little buggers from Pawnee.
6
00:00:18,964 --> 00:00:21,466
And they are gonna get a
chance to play with the Colts.
7
00:00:21,504 --> 00:00:24,601
Oh! Come on, Reggie! I told
you to run a button hook.
8
00:00:24,622 --> 00:00:26,110
- I did, Leslie.
- Okay.
9
00:00:26,134 --> 00:00:27,259
I guess you would know.
10
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,106
A pleasure to see you
again, Mr. Luck.
11
00:00:29,123 --> 00:00:32,015
We met briefly last year at
our friend's bachelor party.
12
00:00:32,052 --> 00:00:33,697
Oh, yeah. Right. How are you?
13
00:00:33,715 --> 00:00:36,987
I normally don't answer that question,
but since I respect your talent,
14
00:00:37,012 --> 00:00:38,660
I will tell you--
15
00:00:38,686 --> 00:00:42,027
- I am fine.
- Hi, I'm April. I stole your wallet.
16
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,136
- You guys are weird.
- Thank you.
17
00:00:48,717 --> 00:00:51,056
- What's up, girl?
- Keep walking, 98.
18
00:00:51,929 --> 00:00:54,712
You don't even want to talk to
that guy? He plays for the NFL.
19
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,487
He's a linebacker.
20
00:00:56,511 --> 00:00:59,117
Skill positions only
for Donna Meagle.
21
00:01:00,003 --> 00:01:03,531
I got my Colts beanie, my Colts
scarf, I got the Colts grill going,
22
00:01:03,549 --> 00:01:06,158
and the crowning glory--
Colts slippies.
23
00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:07,764
How are you going
to run in those?
24
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,930
"Run"? Tommy doesn't run.
That's your guys' job.
25
00:01:11,955 --> 00:01:14,801
Now, uh, let's go fetch
this football throw, fellas.
26
00:01:17,735 --> 00:01:18,679
I love sports.
27
00:01:21,758 --> 00:01:31,758
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
28
00:01:39,506 --> 00:01:41,953
Check it out, Tom--
the Eagleton reservoir.
29
00:01:41,972 --> 00:01:44,318
- Isn't it stunning?
- It's just a big dumb pond.
30
00:01:44,343 --> 00:01:47,574
This morning I saw a YouTube clip of
a little puppy riding a motorcycle.
31
00:01:47,598 --> 00:01:48,992
So my bar for "stunning"
is pretty high.
32
00:01:49,011 --> 00:01:52,264
What if I told you that
this water has fluoride in it?
33
00:01:52,283 --> 00:01:54,160
Then I would tell you the
puppy had a little side car
34
00:01:54,173 --> 00:01:55,587
with a piggy in it
named Hampton.
35
00:01:55,606 --> 00:01:58,256
First of all, send me
a link to that video.
36
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,495
But more importantly,
now that we have access
37
00:02:00,514 --> 00:02:03,239
to the Eagleton reservoir and
the water-treatment supply,
38
00:02:03,264 --> 00:02:06,596
Pawnee is going to have fluoride in its
water for the first time in our history,
39
00:02:06,630 --> 00:02:09,482
our oral history. Nailed it.
40
00:02:09,498 --> 00:02:12,029
Of course I'm upset that I
lost the recall election.
41
00:02:12,041 --> 00:02:14,674
But I'm just gonna spend
the remainder of my term
42
00:02:14,692 --> 00:02:17,633
cramming in as many
good projects as I can.
43
00:02:17,664 --> 00:02:19,805
Lame duck?
Try flame duck...
44
00:02:19,846 --> 00:02:21,992
'cause this duck is on fire.
45
00:02:22,769 --> 00:02:25,776
It's hard doing stupid government
stuff now that Rent-a-Swag's closed.
46
00:02:25,801 --> 00:02:27,745
I'm a businessman.
That's what I was born to do.
47
00:02:27,776 --> 00:02:31,139
Well, look, you just got to make
the most of the job that you have.
48
00:02:31,487 --> 00:02:33,012
Like, take that trash collector.
49
00:02:33,029 --> 00:02:34,879
It's not the most glamorous
job in the world,
50
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:37,129
but he's doing it with
a smile on his face.
51
00:02:37,692 --> 00:02:38,618
Oh, my God.
52
00:02:38,649 --> 00:02:40,935
He's not wearing any pants.
What's wrong with him?
53
00:02:40,966 --> 00:02:42,877
- Let's get out of here.
- He's smiling at us!
54
00:02:42,903 --> 00:02:44,798
Let's go! Run!
55
00:02:45,783 --> 00:02:46,914
Hey. What's up, guys?
56
00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:49,076
Look what Ron made.
It's amazing.
57
00:02:49,109 --> 00:02:52,962
Several months ago, I was on a
walk and found my crib tree.
58
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:56,983
I approached the tree, murdered it,
left it to cure in my woodshop,
59
00:02:57,007 --> 00:03:00,625
and have begun working it into
a crib for my upcoming child.
60
00:03:00,656 --> 00:03:03,562
Ron Swanson, you
cannot use this crib.
61
00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:05,841
You're ignoring every known
crib-safety standard.
62
00:03:05,867 --> 00:03:07,735
It's all covered in the
parenting book I'm reading.
63
00:03:07,775 --> 00:03:09,625
Are you going to crawl my way?
By Lenny Kravitz.
64
00:03:09,663 --> 00:03:13,571
My crib will be safe because I'm
building it with my own two hands.
65
00:03:13,589 --> 00:03:15,069
I bought my crib
in Bloomington,
66
00:03:15,081 --> 00:03:19,994
and I am confident that it is literally
the safest crib in the explored universe.
67
00:03:20,310 --> 00:03:22,499
Let me take you there, and you
can talk to the salesperson.
68
00:03:22,525 --> 00:03:25,767
Counteroffer-- you take me
nowhere, and I talk to no one.
69
00:03:25,793 --> 00:03:26,844
Counter-counteroffer--
70
00:03:26,865 --> 00:03:30,515
you come with me, or I make you attend a
four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting.
71
00:03:30,536 --> 00:03:32,607
Either way, it's a win for me.
72
00:03:33,472 --> 00:03:38,729
Next on the docket is a vote to approve
the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger.
73
00:03:38,759 --> 00:03:40,070
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
74
00:03:40,089 --> 00:03:43,247
We're just goosing our water
supply with fluoride?
75
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,422
I mean, come on. Are we really
gonna force every Pawnee resident
76
00:03:46,441 --> 00:03:49,193
to ingest a chemical
we know nothing about?
77
00:03:49,203 --> 00:03:52,859
Fluoride is used by the
communists to control our minds.
78
00:03:52,873 --> 00:03:55,640
- No, it's not.
- Fluoride can control minds?
79
00:03:55,658 --> 00:03:58,384
Like, you can use it to
make ladies do stuff?
80
00:03:58,413 --> 00:04:01,571
How am I the one that is getting
booted off of this city council?
81
00:04:01,593 --> 00:04:04,773
Okay, fluoride is safe,
it is good for you,
82
00:04:04,806 --> 00:04:08,008
and almost every town
in America uses it.
83
00:04:08,021 --> 00:04:10,544
Ah, all right. You got me.
84
00:04:10,570 --> 00:04:14,376
I don't want fluoride in the water because
I'm a dentist, and I like cavities.
85
00:04:14,401 --> 00:04:16,076
Yeah, that is not
a valid reason.
86
00:04:16,093 --> 00:04:19,410
Pawnee's cavity problem is
why a small-town dentist,
87
00:04:19,435 --> 00:04:22,583
like me, can afford
such a boss ride.
88
00:04:23,341 --> 00:04:25,745
Got an Asian girl
to sit in it once.
89
00:04:26,229 --> 00:04:28,074
Why did we come out here?
90
00:04:28,411 --> 00:04:31,727
Come on, Jamm. Fluoride in the
water-- it's a no-brainer.
91
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,324
Can't you just let me
have this one?
92
00:04:33,348 --> 00:04:34,436
No can do, Knopey.
93
00:04:34,464 --> 00:04:37,330
As a matter of fact, I would
like to propose my own bill--
94
00:04:37,376 --> 00:04:41,951
the Pawnee Clean Water Bill,
which prohibits adding anything
95
00:04:41,988 --> 00:04:44,722
to our water supply forever.
96
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:48,957
Jamm's not going to be able to
kill this reservoir merger, is he?
97
00:04:48,987 --> 00:04:51,581
On my side, I have facts,
science, and reason.
98
00:04:51,605 --> 00:04:53,125
All he has
is fear-mongering.
99
00:04:53,176 --> 00:04:55,060
Oh, my God, he's gonna win.
100
00:04:55,089 --> 00:04:57,370
Yeah, people get jittery
about stuff like this.
101
00:04:57,395 --> 00:04:59,443
Remember last year when no
one would get flu shots
102
00:04:59,468 --> 00:05:02,043
'cause there was a rumor
they turned you European?
103
00:05:02,074 --> 00:05:04,976
- Well, I'll figure something out.
- Oh, Jessica's here. I better go.
104
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,883
- Okay, bye.
- Hey, sugar butt.
105
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:10,441
Some lardos in Muncie ate
tainted Sweetums toffee sticks
106
00:05:10,466 --> 00:05:13,666
and diarrhea'd so much, they
ended up in the hospital.
107
00:05:13,691 --> 00:05:15,473
- Ugh.
- Can we give their school,
108
00:05:15,494 --> 00:05:17,675
like, a new seesaw or something?
109
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,647
Yeah. Thanks.
110
00:05:21,137 --> 00:05:23,232
The new site looks good.
Nice work.
111
00:05:23,258 --> 00:05:25,293
Oh, my God. These
dogs are so cute.
112
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,139
I want to throw up
and kill myself.
113
00:05:27,164 --> 00:05:30,021
Animal control had to take in
all the pets from Eagleton.
114
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,799
And Crazy Craig used to
run all their shelters,
115
00:05:32,817 --> 00:05:35,826
so he helped me make an adoption
website for all the dogs.
116
00:05:35,860 --> 00:05:38,517
If you can look at that site and
not want to take home 50 dogs,
117
00:05:38,530 --> 00:05:40,901
you're basically
a war criminal.
118
00:05:42,380 --> 00:05:44,713
See the way that dog is
rolling around in a puddle?
119
00:05:44,738 --> 00:05:47,087
That's something Andy does
when he gets hot.
120
00:05:47,294 --> 00:05:49,367
Oh, my God, you're right.
That is so Andy.
121
00:05:49,385 --> 00:05:51,799
- Oh, my God. That dog is totally...
- Tom!
122
00:05:51,824 --> 00:05:54,205
I don't know why. It doesn't
look like him. But it just is.
123
00:05:54,231 --> 00:05:56,296
It's like the dog is
the essence of Tom.
124
00:05:56,533 --> 00:05:59,134
Okay, important meeting in the
conference room right now.
125
00:05:59,155 --> 00:06:01,355
We are going to all
pick our spirit dogs.
126
00:06:01,374 --> 00:06:03,530
Oh, I've got to pick up Gayle
at the airport.
127
00:06:03,548 --> 00:06:04,904
Larry, I swear to God,
128
00:06:04,922 --> 00:06:08,367
if you leave right now, we will make
your spirit dog a miniature schnauzer.
129
00:06:08,399 --> 00:06:10,255
- Is that bad?
- Yes!
130
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:11,538
Get in there!
131
00:06:12,511 --> 00:06:13,805
Ann found this place.
132
00:06:13,836 --> 00:06:15,936
It's where we bought our
"Sounds of Nature" machine.
133
00:06:16,269 --> 00:06:19,796
You bought a machine that
replicates an open window?
134
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,068
Frasier! Chris Traeger.
Do you remember me?
135
00:06:22,099 --> 00:06:24,884
I came in here looking for the
Vanna White book on child care--
136
00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:27,792
I'd like to solve the
puzzle of parenting.
137
00:06:27,847 --> 00:06:30,289
Could you show my friend, Ron, that
amazing crib that you sold me?
138
00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:32,784
The Babylove L'il Sweetheart
Safe 4 Ever and Ever model.
139
00:06:32,816 --> 00:06:34,762
Oh, yeah, that thing
is a deathtrap.
140
00:06:34,791 --> 00:06:37,285
- I'm sorry? - Just found out this
morning-- it's being recalled.
141
00:06:37,321 --> 00:06:39,121
They found maxicylofentabol
in the glue.
142
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:40,515
Is that good?
It sounds bad.
143
00:06:40,527 --> 00:06:42,505
It burned off my fingernails.
144
00:06:43,414 --> 00:06:45,025
I'll be in the car.
145
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,517
Councilwoman Leslie Knope
wants to put fluoride,
146
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,286
which is a chemical, into
your drinking water.
147
00:06:52,321 --> 00:06:55,809
You know what else is a chemical?
Strychnine and cyanide.
148
00:06:55,830 --> 00:06:59,631
- What? - And dirt... and rust
and even broken glass.
149
00:06:59,654 --> 00:07:00,567
Exactly.
150
00:07:00,596 --> 00:07:02,788
You definitely understand
what chemicals are, Perd.
151
00:07:02,831 --> 00:07:05,553
I would suggest if you want
to contact the psychopath
152
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:10,830
that wants to turn your kids into
bad-at-math, communist fluoride zombies,
153
00:07:10,855 --> 00:07:12,768
well, just call the number
at the bottom of your screen.
154
00:07:15,051 --> 00:07:16,246
Leslie Knope.
155
00:07:16,273 --> 00:07:17,798
Stop right there.
You know what?
156
00:07:17,823 --> 00:07:20,461
Fluoride protects your teeth, and
it's perfectly healthy for you.
157
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:23,089
Well, if Jamm says that,
then he is a lying idiot,
158
00:07:23,112 --> 00:07:25,515
and if you believe it,
then so are you.
159
00:07:26,064 --> 00:07:28,105
Whoa. You just talked to that
person like I talk to you.
160
00:07:28,129 --> 00:07:29,386
- You can't do that.
- Why not?
161
00:07:29,410 --> 00:07:32,509
What are they gonna do,
kick me out of office?
162
00:07:32,690 --> 00:07:35,221
Why did it take me so
long to realize this?
163
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:37,340
There are no consequences
to my actions anymore.
164
00:07:37,355 --> 00:07:40,314
No matter what I do, literally
nothing bad can happen to me.
165
00:07:40,346 --> 00:07:42,297
I'm like a white, male U.S.
senator.
166
00:07:44,717 --> 00:07:47,250
Fluoride is going into
the water, moron.
167
00:07:47,497 --> 00:07:49,602
Oh. Hey, mom. Sorry.
168
00:07:50,468 --> 00:07:53,181
Because all it does
is prevent cavities!
169
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:56,475
God! I expected more from you.
170
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,520
Right.
I'm a loose cannon.
171
00:08:00,545 --> 00:08:01,870
We need to fight
fire with fire.
172
00:08:01,879 --> 00:08:04,367
I call a town hall meeting,
I gather everyone together,
173
00:08:04,392 --> 00:08:06,301
I distribute the binders,
174
00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:09,896
but now the binders are
bright yellow!
175
00:08:09,915 --> 00:08:11,140
Boom!
176
00:08:13,674 --> 00:08:15,866
- Too extreme?
- Too nothing.
177
00:08:15,904 --> 00:08:18,863
Look, Jamm's already ruined fluoride.
Everyone's scared of it.
178
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:20,262
What if we just called it
something else?
179
00:08:20,275 --> 00:08:22,552
- What do you mean?
- I mean we rebrand.
180
00:08:22,595 --> 00:08:27,168
No one cared about Calvin Broadus until he
started calling himself Snoop Doggy Dogg.
181
00:08:27,188 --> 00:08:29,663
Then when people got tired of
that, he went by Snoop Dogg,
182
00:08:29,688 --> 00:08:31,483
and now he's Snoop Lion.
183
00:08:31,690 --> 00:08:34,096
What's he gonna be in ten
years--Snoop Laser Snake?
184
00:08:34,121 --> 00:08:37,095
- Who knows? - What are you
saying-- we need to sex up fluoride?
185
00:08:37,115 --> 00:08:39,434
I don't know, Tom. It's a
pretty sexy topic already.
186
00:08:39,446 --> 00:08:42,106
Leslie, you got to give people
something to get excited about.
187
00:08:42,140 --> 00:08:43,720
You told me to make
the most of my job.
188
00:08:43,738 --> 00:08:45,014
I'm good at this stuff.
189
00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:47,326
Now, are you a loose
cannon or not?
190
00:08:48,132 --> 00:08:49,232
Yeah.
191
00:08:49,243 --> 00:08:52,230
I'm as loose as a goose.
Do your thing, Tom.
192
00:08:52,714 --> 00:08:53,845
Aw.
193
00:08:53,870 --> 00:08:56,804
Now, remember, it's about finding
a dog that captures your spirit.
194
00:08:56,835 --> 00:08:59,739
See? This is Craig.
195
00:08:59,909 --> 00:09:04,899
Oh, no! That is insane! I will burn this
place to the ground if you pick that one!
196
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,197
Okay, good choice.
197
00:09:07,232 --> 00:09:08,638
You guys, Leslie.
198
00:09:08,663 --> 00:09:09,997
Yes!
And...
199
00:09:10,023 --> 00:09:11,654
Ron Swanson.
200
00:09:11,703 --> 00:09:14,509
- Oh!
- Oh, my God. This is Larry.
201
00:09:14,609 --> 00:09:17,189
- That's great.
- Bingo. Donna. Nailed it.
202
00:09:17,213 --> 00:09:18,576
Ooh.
203
00:09:18,602 --> 00:09:21,580
Because you're pretty and
you like makeup and stuff.
204
00:09:22,545 --> 00:09:24,005
Game over.
205
00:09:27,627 --> 00:09:30,797
Ron, I want to do
things the Swanson way.
206
00:09:30,856 --> 00:09:35,966
Wonderful. First rule-- no conversation
lasts longer than 100 total words.
207
00:09:35,991 --> 00:09:38,154
You have used 9.
I have used 20.
208
00:09:38,182 --> 00:09:39,768
- Continue.
- Fun.
209
00:09:40,195 --> 00:09:42,012
I'd like you to teach me
to build a crib.
210
00:09:42,031 --> 00:09:44,311
Why do you need to
build your own crib?
211
00:09:44,367 --> 00:09:47,551
Because I no longer trust anything
other than my own two hands.
212
00:09:47,595 --> 00:09:51,869
- It is debilitating, but exciting.
- Okay, we'll go to my woodshop at lunch.
213
00:09:51,888 --> 00:09:53,529
Wonderful. Look at us--
214
00:09:53,542 --> 00:09:55,468
both standing on the
cusp of fatherhood.
215
00:09:55,487 --> 00:09:57,201
I know we haven't spent
a lot of time together,
216
00:09:57,226 --> 00:09:58,944
- but--
- 100.
217
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:02,963
All right, so, in conclusion...
218
00:10:02,985 --> 00:10:04,515
fluoride, chemical,
219
00:10:04,544 --> 00:10:09,664
tiny genitals, misinformation,
panic, death, Jenny McCarthy.
220
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,742
Well, I don't know, councilman.
221
00:10:13,772 --> 00:10:15,332
That was a little dry.
222
00:10:15,362 --> 00:10:17,329
What do you say we
have some fun, huh?
223
00:10:17,535 --> 00:10:18,848
Check this.
224
00:10:19,792 --> 00:10:21,710
Plain water?
Yuck.
225
00:10:21,910 --> 00:10:23,173
I'm bored.
226
00:10:23,214 --> 00:10:24,390
Then try this.
227
00:10:28,101 --> 00:10:30,047
What the-- what just happened?
228
00:10:30,073 --> 00:10:31,951
That water contains
teeth dazzler,
229
00:10:31,969 --> 00:10:35,459
which makes your teeth stronger
and starts a party in your mouth.
230
00:10:48,591 --> 00:10:51,176
What?
Fluoride's boring, guys.
231
00:10:51,769 --> 00:10:52,675
Boo!
232
00:10:52,701 --> 00:10:55,247
Welcome to T-dazzle.
It's not a chemical.
233
00:10:55,281 --> 00:10:58,275
It's an aquatic-based
social-media oral experience.
234
00:10:58,298 --> 00:11:00,689
Everyone who tweets
at T-dazzle in the next hour
235
00:11:00,707 --> 00:11:03,673
will be entered to win an
exciting plain blue T-shirt.
236
00:11:03,717 --> 00:11:05,492
I say "T," you say "dazzle."
237
00:11:05,511 --> 00:11:06,530
- "T."
- Dazzle.
238
00:11:06,555 --> 00:11:07,443
- "T."
- Dazzle.
239
00:11:07,484 --> 00:11:08,618
- "T."
- Dazzle.
240
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,578
Thank you for the
woodworking lesson, Ron.
241
00:11:10,596 --> 00:11:13,741
This whole crib-recall thing has got
me literally rethinking everything
242
00:11:13,766 --> 00:11:15,397
I thought I knew
about parenting.
243
00:11:15,409 --> 00:11:17,203
What sleep method
will you be using--
244
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:18,953
Ferber, Sears?
245
00:11:19,141 --> 00:11:20,747
Swanson method,
246
00:11:20,759 --> 00:11:22,970
where you close your
eyes and fall asleep.
247
00:11:22,988 --> 00:11:25,892
I really wish Ron would engage,
248
00:11:25,910 --> 00:11:29,610
but he exudes so much wisdom
that I can learn parenting tips
249
00:11:29,628 --> 00:11:31,119
simply by being
in his presence.
250
00:11:31,138 --> 00:11:34,392
Someone like Ron is teaching
even when they're not teaching.
251
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,852
Does that make sense?
252
00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:38,775
My anxiety has kept me
up for over 50 hours.
253
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:45,636
Our polling shows that 72% of citizens are
in favor of adding T-dazzle to their water,
254
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:49,802
effectively killing Councilman
Jamm's so-called Clean Water Bill.
255
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:51,461
Eat it, Jamm.
I won.
256
00:11:51,495 --> 00:11:52,845
Apology accepted.
257
00:11:52,866 --> 00:11:55,633
You know, I've actually come around
to your way of thinking on this.
258
00:11:55,649 --> 00:11:58,397
My only thought is,
why stop here?
259
00:11:58,409 --> 00:12:02,066
Ladies and gentlemen, Sweetums
president Jessica Wicks.
260
00:12:04,449 --> 00:12:05,550
Whoo!
261
00:12:06,153 --> 00:12:09,109
Look, we all love T-dazzle.
262
00:12:09,136 --> 00:12:12,699
But we can do more to improve
our drinking supply.
263
00:12:12,808 --> 00:12:18,158
Sweetums is excited to propose an
alternative to boring municipal water.
264
00:12:18,190 --> 00:12:20,765
We call it "Drink-ems"!
265
00:12:20,922 --> 00:12:21,628
Whoo!
266
00:12:21,646 --> 00:12:25,277
Sweetums is prepared to take over
the management of Pawnee's water.
267
00:12:25,293 --> 00:12:28,265
This is gonna save this town
beaucoup bucks.
268
00:12:28,292 --> 00:12:30,525
Take a sip of this
delicious water
269
00:12:30,554 --> 00:12:33,417
and imagine it coming
out of your faucets at home.
270
00:12:33,528 --> 00:12:35,566
This water is filled with sugar.
271
00:12:35,591 --> 00:12:37,661
There's absolutely no way
we are doing this.
272
00:12:37,686 --> 00:12:40,436
Too late. We're gonna fill the
whole reservoir with this stuff.
273
00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:41,869
Checkmate.
274
00:12:41,914 --> 00:12:44,414
Did you bring those with
you just to do that?
275
00:12:44,470 --> 00:12:45,820
- Maybe.
- Damn.
276
00:12:45,843 --> 00:12:48,965
It is a baller move. What are
we gonna do now, Leslie?
277
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,843
Hey. Okay, are you still mad
at me about the poodle thing?
278
00:12:53,868 --> 00:12:56,024
It was just a dumb game.
I can pick another dog.
279
00:12:56,056 --> 00:12:58,058
I'm not mad about the choice.
280
00:12:58,082 --> 00:12:59,902
I'm mad about your reasons.
281
00:12:59,942 --> 00:13:02,888
"Pretty," "makeup"-- is
that all you know about me?
282
00:13:02,937 --> 00:13:04,888
We don't hang out that much.
283
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,829
It's not like you know
a ton about me.
284
00:13:06,835 --> 00:13:09,104
You're beautiful,
yet cold and aloof.
285
00:13:09,131 --> 00:13:11,425
You pride yourself
on being a loner.
286
00:13:11,441 --> 00:13:13,626
You do not obey, you
choose to cooperate.
287
00:13:13,650 --> 00:13:16,599
And when you stop baring your fangs
to pick a mate, it's for life.
288
00:13:16,628 --> 00:13:18,548
And you're fiercely loyal
to your pack,
289
00:13:18,596 --> 00:13:22,105
which makes you a rare
black Siberian husky.
290
00:13:23,063 --> 00:13:25,187
That was so spot-on,
it was scary.
291
00:13:25,211 --> 00:13:27,871
I need to go lie
down for 45 minutes.
292
00:13:27,914 --> 00:13:30,142
No, an hour...
293
00:13:31,118 --> 00:13:32,752
a full hour.
294
00:13:33,055 --> 00:13:34,167
Good morning.
295
00:13:34,186 --> 00:13:35,574
This won't take long.
296
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:38,002
Simply put, it would be madness
297
00:13:38,042 --> 00:13:41,425
to let Sweetums take over our water
supply and pump it full of sugar.
298
00:13:41,448 --> 00:13:42,624
What's next--
299
00:13:42,709 --> 00:13:44,443
cookie dough toothpaste?
300
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,229
Bad example.
That would be amazing.
301
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:50,584
My point is, Sweetums is an
evil, profit-hungry corporation
302
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,172
that is ruining our health.
303
00:13:52,184 --> 00:13:56,314
Ever since Sweetums opened its
doors, obesity is up 100%.
304
00:13:56,351 --> 00:13:57,419
It's unacceptable.
305
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,103
Down with that poison-peddling
corporate monster.
306
00:14:01,186 --> 00:14:02,924
Down with Sweetums!
307
00:14:06,249 --> 00:14:07,232
- Hey.
- Hey.
308
00:14:07,248 --> 00:14:08,722
Heard about your speech.
Sounded great.
309
00:14:08,742 --> 00:14:12,947
I wish you could've seen it. It felt so
good. I love loose cannon-ing.
310
00:14:12,966 --> 00:14:15,518
You know, I love the power
of no consequences.
311
00:14:15,543 --> 00:14:18,426
Well, unfortunately, there
has been one consequence.
312
00:14:18,522 --> 00:14:21,504
I just got fired from Sweetums.
313
00:14:22,658 --> 00:14:24,777
Because you were embezzling...
314
00:14:24,813 --> 00:14:25,997
I hope.
315
00:14:27,216 --> 00:14:29,502
Hey, Jessica!
316
00:14:29,521 --> 00:14:31,084
Did you do something
to your hair?
317
00:14:31,115 --> 00:14:33,924
Because, sister, you
look good enough to eat.
318
00:14:33,952 --> 00:14:35,221
Num num num num num.
319
00:14:35,245 --> 00:14:36,665
What do you want, Leslie?
320
00:14:36,696 --> 00:14:39,284
You can't punish Ben for
something I did. It's not fair.
321
00:14:39,317 --> 00:14:43,261
I love him, and I will do anything
to help him get his job back.
322
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,505
What do you want?
323
00:14:44,537 --> 00:14:48,707
I want you to formally apologize
for what you said about Sweetums.
324
00:14:48,733 --> 00:14:51,146
I want you to say
that we're a moral,
325
00:14:51,168 --> 00:14:55,581
upstanding corporation that
you're proud to have in Pawnee.
326
00:14:55,618 --> 00:14:57,780
And when you make your apology,
327
00:14:57,817 --> 00:15:02,475
I want you to wear a lime-green pantsuit
because it will look horrible on you.
328
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:04,388
You are such an autumn.
329
00:15:05,664 --> 00:15:06,773
Did you need me for something?
330
00:15:06,804 --> 00:15:10,061
Yes, I want to figure out your
spirit dog, and I'm going to do that
331
00:15:10,089 --> 00:15:12,250
by learning everything there
is to know about you.
332
00:15:12,289 --> 00:15:14,752
All right. Game on.
333
00:15:14,816 --> 00:15:16,375
Okay, what's
your favorite color?
334
00:15:16,387 --> 00:15:20,705
For cars, it's gold. For shoes, it's red--
unless it's the weekend, then reverse them.
335
00:15:20,736 --> 00:15:24,072
- Favorite music?
- 1970s funk and 1770s opera
336
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:27,635
and Sugar Ray, post Mark McGrath after
he left for Entertainment Tonight.
337
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,153
- Favorite book?
- Downton Abbey.
338
00:15:29,166 --> 00:15:31,958
- That's not a--
- Downton... Abbey.
339
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:32,969
Okay.
340
00:15:32,987 --> 00:15:35,417
Um, describe
your perfect Sunday.
341
00:15:35,438 --> 00:15:37,492
Church, do the Harper's
Magazine Acrostic,
342
00:15:37,510 --> 00:15:40,942
play my oboe in the jacuzzi while
the sun sets over puget sound.
343
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,334
- Favorite movies?
- In order-- Natural Born Killers,
344
00:15:43,357 --> 00:15:47,259
Remains of the Day, and
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.
345
00:15:47,961 --> 00:15:49,068
Excellent.
346
00:15:49,093 --> 00:15:53,111
Thank you very much for your time.
I will have your answer shortly.
347
00:15:54,922 --> 00:15:56,356
No idea.
348
00:15:56,658 --> 00:15:58,702
If a joint is
properly fashioned,
349
00:15:58,719 --> 00:16:01,591
all you need to do
is guide it into place.
350
00:16:01,790 --> 00:16:05,265
"All you need to do
is guide it into place."
351
00:16:05,305 --> 00:16:07,405
What I get from that
is, when parenting,
352
00:16:07,429 --> 00:16:11,113
sometimes a subtle hand is more
effective than a strong one.
353
00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:14,791
This is already so much more helpful
than the last book on parenting I read--
354
00:16:14,846 --> 00:16:18,513
Rad Dads by Apolo Anton
Ohno and Shaun White.
355
00:16:19,034 --> 00:16:20,436
Nah.
356
00:16:21,553 --> 00:16:23,439
Ron, why did you throw
that wood away?
357
00:16:23,457 --> 00:16:25,423
It's unstable.
It's no good.
358
00:16:25,445 --> 00:16:28,277
I just don't understand "the
throwing away the wood" metaphor.
359
00:16:28,395 --> 00:16:32,431
What's the lesson? Oh, I know!
It's potty-training.
360
00:16:32,602 --> 00:16:35,169
That trash can is the toilet,
and the wood was the feces.
361
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,419
Chris, I'm not teaching you anything.
We're just building a crib.
362
00:16:38,486 --> 00:16:41,247
No, I know you're not consciously
teaching me anything.
363
00:16:41,283 --> 00:16:45,758
I'm trying to siphon off some of your
calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.
364
00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:48,150
Metaphors? I hate metaphors.
365
00:16:48,249 --> 00:16:50,577
That's why my favorite book is
Moby Dick--
366
00:16:50,757 --> 00:16:55,495
no froufrou symbolism, just a good, simple
tale about a man who hates an animal.
367
00:16:55,512 --> 00:16:58,351
That's enough for
today, I think.
368
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:03,034
- An organized child is a--
- No.
369
00:17:05,101 --> 00:17:07,195
Okay, I've been working
on this for three hours,
370
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:09,193
and I know your spirit dog.
371
00:17:09,218 --> 00:17:12,506
You are a Nova Scotia toller,
372
00:17:12,533 --> 00:17:15,586
because you're outgoing
and adventurous.
373
00:17:15,621 --> 00:17:18,530
And you love Canada?
374
00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:21,998
- No, that's not right.
- No, it isn't.
375
00:17:22,022 --> 00:17:24,432
But I appreciate the effort.
We're good.
376
00:17:24,458 --> 00:17:27,823
And don't beat yourself up. You'll probably
never guess what kind of dog I am.
377
00:17:28,638 --> 00:17:30,677
You're right. I'll never guess
what kind of dog you are,
378
00:17:30,714 --> 00:17:32,809
because you're not a dog.
You're a cat.
379
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:37,725
You're temperamental. You're
unpredictable, complex, and hard to read.
380
00:17:37,748 --> 00:17:40,633
You make people work
before you let them in.
381
00:17:40,663 --> 00:17:42,935
But if they put the time in
and prove that they care,
382
00:17:42,959 --> 00:17:44,982
then you open
yourself up to them.
383
00:17:46,070 --> 00:17:47,420
Right?
384
00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:52,645
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
385
00:17:52,675 --> 00:17:54,612
Hmm.
386
00:17:55,290 --> 00:17:59,759
"So let's all raise a glass, full of
delicious, sugary drinking water,
387
00:17:59,792 --> 00:18:02,410
to Sweetums-- a
Pawnee Institution."
388
00:18:02,441 --> 00:18:04,090
Leslie, don't do this.
389
00:18:04,115 --> 00:18:07,434
I have to, Ben. We can't
both be out of a job.
390
00:18:07,469 --> 00:18:10,763
What will we do-- sleep all day,
take cooking classes together,
391
00:18:10,787 --> 00:18:12,947
sit on a couch and watch movies?
392
00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:15,970
- God, that sounds horrible.
- There's more at stake here.
393
00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:18,129
I mean, you apologize,
it'll be an endorsement
394
00:18:18,150 --> 00:18:19,668
- for the Drink-ems plan.
- I know that, but--
395
00:18:19,689 --> 00:18:22,587
And everything you said
about Sweetums was right on.
396
00:18:22,609 --> 00:18:27,566
I mean, 90% of the charity work I did was
to compensate for messes they caused.
397
00:18:27,596 --> 00:18:29,865
And I don't want to work
for them anymore.
398
00:18:30,173 --> 00:18:31,127
Are you sure?
399
00:18:31,139 --> 00:18:33,782
Yeah, just go up there,
stick to your guns.
400
00:18:33,805 --> 00:18:36,224
It's not gonna make a difference.
I can't beat them.
401
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:38,803
All I have on my side is
facts and science,
402
00:18:38,822 --> 00:18:41,069
and people hate
facts and science.
403
00:18:41,214 --> 00:18:43,120
Wait.
I have an idea.
404
00:18:43,159 --> 00:18:45,469
Go get Tom. Run! Get Tom!
405
00:18:46,704 --> 00:18:50,167
Yesterday I said some pretty
harsh things about Sweetums
406
00:18:50,193 --> 00:18:52,437
and their great new product.
407
00:18:52,477 --> 00:18:53,821
But when I looked
at the research,
408
00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:56,817
I found some pretty compelling
facts about Drink-ems
409
00:18:56,877 --> 00:18:58,678
that made me change my tune.
410
00:18:58,693 --> 00:19:04,461
Each Drink-ems is packed with 35% of your
daily monopotassium phosphate requirement.
411
00:19:04,487 --> 00:19:08,858
MPP is an emulsifier as
well as a plus-7 PH buffer.
412
00:19:08,879 --> 00:19:11,654
Now, I know what you're thinking--
what about its molar mass?
413
00:19:11,669 --> 00:19:14,594
How does 136.086 grab you?
414
00:19:15,727 --> 00:19:17,090
What the--
415
00:19:18,187 --> 00:19:21,166
I don't know about y'all, but
Drink-ems seems pretty boring to me,
416
00:19:21,205 --> 00:19:23,447
not like H-2-flow.
417
00:19:23,473 --> 00:19:24,317
Excuse me.
418
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:27,943
I have several binders with very important
data that I need to get through.
419
00:19:27,962 --> 00:19:31,790
Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it
if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush.
420
00:19:31,809 --> 00:19:34,593
Think of H-2-flow as
an app for your teeth.
421
00:19:34,610 --> 00:19:37,250
The more flow you take in, the
more sparkle points you get.
422
00:19:37,290 --> 00:19:40,562
Get enough sparkle points, and you're
on your way to your first aqua badge!
423
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:45,768
Collect enough aqua badges, and we'll
welcome you to the H-2-flow Platinum Club.
424
00:19:47,015 --> 00:19:49,517
I'm great at business,
and I'm great at parks stuff.
425
00:19:49,538 --> 00:19:51,339
I'm like Picasso meets
Michael Jordan.
426
00:19:51,373 --> 00:19:52,411
I can paint,
427
00:19:52,429 --> 00:19:55,716
but, uh, I can also be
a world-class gambler.
428
00:19:56,150 --> 00:19:57,681
Ron, what's this?
429
00:19:57,707 --> 00:19:59,491
The crib I built.
430
00:19:59,517 --> 00:20:00,999
I'm giving it to you and Ann.
431
00:20:01,017 --> 00:20:04,776
It's perfectly safe. I tested
it by hitting it with my truck.
432
00:20:04,826 --> 00:20:07,240
Well, Ron, I can't accept.
This is for your baby.
433
00:20:07,260 --> 00:20:09,473
There's more than one
crib tree in a forest.
434
00:20:09,491 --> 00:20:14,050
That's not a lesson, by the way, just
a comment on lumber availability.
435
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,069
It's beautiful.
Thank you.
436
00:20:16,106 --> 00:20:18,165
Nobody has
all the right answers
437
00:20:18,190 --> 00:20:20,015
in parenting, including me.
438
00:20:20,037 --> 00:20:23,338
And that toxic crib you bought won't
be the last mistake you make.
439
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:27,122
But a man who's this worried about
making all the right choices
440
00:20:27,147 --> 00:20:28,844
cares very much.
441
00:20:28,958 --> 00:20:31,809
That's all that matters.
You'll be a great father.
442
00:20:32,437 --> 00:20:33,687
Thank you, Ron...
443
00:20:33,709 --> 00:20:35,673
for the crib and the advice.
444
00:20:35,698 --> 00:20:37,542
It's much better
than any metaphor.
445
00:20:38,641 --> 00:20:41,271
Does the white whale
actually symbolize
446
00:20:41,277 --> 00:20:45,524
the unknowability and
meaninglessness of human existence?
447
00:20:46,874 --> 00:20:49,489
No. It's just a shitty fish.
448
00:20:50,635 --> 00:20:51,955
Hey, good news.
449
00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:53,036
Drink-ems is dead.
450
00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:57,534
As of tomorrow, every Pawnee resident will
have H-2-flow in their drinking water.
451
00:20:57,558 --> 00:20:59,080
That's great news.
452
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:01,127
H-2-flow is fluoride, right?
453
00:21:01,436 --> 00:21:02,669
I think so.
454
00:21:02,789 --> 00:21:05,520
I'll double-check with Tom,
but I'm, like, 95% sure.
455
00:21:05,550 --> 00:21:06,776
Wow. Look at us.
456
00:21:06,788 --> 00:21:09,724
Two people, who are about
to have zero jobs.
457
00:21:10,010 --> 00:21:12,218
- Weird, huh?
- You and I--
458
00:21:12,236 --> 00:21:13,997
we always land on
our feet, right?
459
00:21:14,034 --> 00:21:15,341
- Yeah.
- Uh-oh!
460
00:21:15,424 --> 00:21:17,993
Guess who won that
plain blue T-shirt?
461
00:21:18,015 --> 00:21:20,311
No way! Look how blue it is.
462
00:21:20,335 --> 00:21:22,198
Wow. Things are
already looking up.
463
00:21:22,229 --> 00:21:23,698
Yeah!
464
00:21:23,787 --> 00:21:28,787
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