1
00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:02,930
We're gonna have some
fun today, Pawnee!
2
00:00:04,337 --> 00:00:06,805
Who is ready to Play 60?
3
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,337
Everybody, on the field!
4
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:12,374
The NFL has a campaign
5
00:00:12,445 --> 00:00:15,175
to try to get kids active
for 60 minutes per day.
6
00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:18,682
And so, we've bused in 100 lucky
little buggers from Pawnee.
7
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:21,152
And they are gonna get a
chance to play with the Colts.
8
00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:24,315
Ohh! Come on, Reggie! I told
you to run a button hook!
9
00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,757
I did, Leslie.
Okay. I guess you would know!
10
00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:28,817
Pleasure to see you
again, Mr. Luck.
11
00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:31,591
We met briefly last year at
our friend's bachelor party.
12
00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:33,322
Oh, yeah. Right.
How are you?
13
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:35,128
I normally don't answer
that question.
14
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:37,669
But since I respect
your talent, I will tell you.
15
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:39,262
I am fine.
16
00:00:39,339 --> 00:00:41,204
Hi, I'm April.
I stole your wallet.
17
00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:46,639
You guys are weird.
Thank you.
18
00:00:48,515 --> 00:00:50,244
What's up, girl?
Keep walking, 98.
19
00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:54,313
You don't wanna talk to that guy?
He plays in the NFL.
20
00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:58,287
He's a linebacker. Skill
positions only for Donna Meagle.
21
00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:03,193
I got my Colts beanie, my Colts
scarf, I got the Colts grill going
22
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,731
and the crowning glory,
Colts "slippies."
23
00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:06,854
How're you gonna run in those?
24
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,333
Run? Tommy doesn't run.
25
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:11,631
That's your guys' job.
26
00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:14,229
Now, uh, let's go fetch
this football throw, fellows.
27
00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:18,471
I love sports.
28
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:28,000
Ripped By mstoll
29
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:41,596
Check it out, Tom.
The Eagleton Reservoir.
30
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:44,000
Isn't it stunning?
It's just a big, dumb pond.
31
00:01:44,070 --> 00:01:45,435
This morning, I saw
a YouTube clip
32
00:01:45,505 --> 00:01:47,132
of a little puppy,
riding a motorcycle.
33
00:01:47,373 --> 00:01:48,806
So, my bar for stunning
is pretty high.
34
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,844
What if I told you that
this water has fluoride in it?
35
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,879
Then, I would tell you the
puppy had a little sidecar
36
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,278
with a piggy in it,
named Hampton.
37
00:01:55,482 --> 00:01:57,950
First of all,
send me a link to that video.
38
00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:00,110
But more importantly,
now that we have access
39
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:02,814
to the Eagleton Reservoir and
the water treatment supply,
40
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:04,785
Pawnee is going to have
fluoride in its water
41
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:05,984
for the first time
in our history.
42
00:02:06,392 --> 00:02:09,122
Our oral history. Nailed it!
43
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:11,720
Of course, I'm upset that I
lost the recall election.
44
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:14,323
But I'm just gonna spend
the remainder of my term
45
00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:17,130
cramming in as many
good projects as I can.
46
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:19,303
Lame duck? Try flame duck.
47
00:02:19,506 --> 00:02:21,098
'Cause this duck is on fire.
48
00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:25,272
It's hard doing stupid government stuff
now that Rent A Swag has closed.
49
00:02:25,411 --> 00:02:27,436
I'm a businessman.
That's what I was born to do.
50
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:31,109
Well, look, you've just got to make
the most of the job that you have.
51
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:32,651
Like, take that trash collector.
52
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,311
It's not the most
glamorous job in the world,
53
00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,378
but he's doing it
with a smile on his face.
54
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:39,482
Oh, my God.
He's not wearing any pants.
55
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:40,651
What's wrong with him?
56
00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:42,558
Let's get out of here.
He's smiling at us.
57
00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:43,926
Let's go. Run!
Ugh!
58
00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:48,599
Hey. What's up, guys? Look what Ron made.
It's amazing.
59
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:52,396
Several months ago, I was on a
walk and found my crib-tree.
60
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,000
I approached the tree,
murdered it,
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00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:56,666
left it to cure in my woodshop,
62
00:02:56,743 --> 00:03:00,076
and have begun working it into
a crib, for my upcoming child.
63
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:03,110
Ron Swanson,
you cannot use this crib.
64
00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:05,444
You're ignoring every
known crib safety standard.
65
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,281
It's all covered in the
parenting book I'm reading.
66
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,352
Are You Going to Crawl My Way?
By Lenny Kravitz.
67
00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:10,912
My crib will be safe
68
00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:13,117
because I'm building it
with my own two hands.
69
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,555
I bought my crib in Bloomington,
70
00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:15,753
and I am confident
71
00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:17,887
that it is, literally,
the safest crib
72
00:03:17,964 --> 00:03:19,329
in the explored universe.
73
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,093
Let me take you there,
and you can talk
74
00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:22,191
to the salesperson.
75
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,963
Counter offer.
You take me nowhere
76
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,436
and I talk to no one.
77
00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:27,370
Counter, counter offer.
You come with me
78
00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:30,169
or I make you attend a four-hour
fax cover-sheet protocol meeting.
79
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:31,676
Either way, it's a win for me.
80
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:35,339
Next, on the docket, is a vote
81
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:38,350
to approve the Pawnee-Eagleton
reservoir merger.
82
00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:39,577
Whoa-whoa-whoa!
83
00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:42,755
We're just goosing our
water supply with fluoride?
84
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:46,056
I mean, come on. Are we really going
to force every Pawnee resident
85
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,787
to ingest a chemical
we know nothing about?
86
00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:52,557
Fluoride is used by the
communists to control our minds.
87
00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:55,328
No, it's not.
Fluoride can control minds?
88
00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:57,926
Like, you can use it
to make ladies do stuff?
89
00:03:58,137 --> 00:04:01,072
How am I the one that is getting
booted off of this city council?
90
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:04,401
Okay. Fluoride is safe.
It is good for you
91
00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:07,604
and almost every town
in America uses it.
92
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:09,975
Ah. All right.
You got me.
93
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:11,841
I don't want fluoride
in the water
94
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,045
because I'm a dentist
and I like cavities.
95
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,678
Yeah, that is not
a valid reason.
96
00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:19,916
Pawnee's cavity problem is why
a small-town dentist, like me,
97
00:04:20,159 --> 00:04:21,820
can afford such a boss ride.
98
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,530
Got an Asian girl to sit in it once.
99
00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:27,660
Why did we come out here?
100
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:31,364
Come on, Jamm. Fluoride in the
water, it's a no-brainer.
101
00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:32,938
Can't you just let me
have this one?
102
00:04:33,072 --> 00:04:35,040
No can do, "Knopey."
As a matter of fact,
103
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,973
I would like
to propose my own bill.
104
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,907
The Pawnee Clean Water Bill,
105
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:43,004
which prohibits adding
anything to our water supply.
106
00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:44,575
Forever.
107
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,618
Jamm's not going to be able to
kill this reservoir merger, is he?
108
00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:51,213
On my side, I have facts,
science and reason.
109
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,815
All he has is
fear-mongering.
110
00:04:52,892 --> 00:04:54,757
My God. He's gonna win.
111
00:04:54,827 --> 00:04:56,988
Yeah, people get jittery
about stuff like this.
112
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,121
Remember last year when no
one would get flu shots
113
00:04:59,198 --> 00:05:01,598
because there was a rumor
they turned you European?
114
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,166
Well, I'll figure something out.
115
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,363
Oh. Jessica's here. Got to go.
Okay, bye.
116
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:06,563
Hey, sugarbutt.
117
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:10,131
Some lardos in Muncie ate
tainted Sweetums Toffee Sticks
118
00:05:10,209 --> 00:05:13,007
and diarrhea'd so much,
they ended up in the hospital.
119
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:14,235
Oh!
120
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,181
Can we give their school, like,
a new see-saw or something?
121
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:18,714
Yeah. Thanks.
122
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,154
The new site looks good.
Nice work.
123
00:05:23,222 --> 00:05:24,951
Oh, my God,
these dogs are so cute.
124
00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:26,753
I want to throw up
and kill myself.
125
00:05:26,859 --> 00:05:29,692
Animal Control had to take in
all the pets from Eagleton
126
00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:32,390
and Crazy Craig used to run
all their shelters,
127
00:05:32,598 --> 00:05:35,431
so he helped me make an adoption
website for all their dogs.
128
00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:38,126
If you can look at that site and
not want to take home 50 dogs,
129
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,570
you're, basically,
a war criminal.
130
00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,234
See the way that dog is
rolling around in a puddle?
131
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,608
That's something Andy does
when he gets hot.
132
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:48,946
Wait, you're right.
That is so Andy.
133
00:05:49,115 --> 00:05:51,345
Oh, my God. That dog
is totally Tom. Tom.
134
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:53,883
I don't know why. It doesn't
look like him, but it just is.
135
00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:56,046
It's like, that dog
is the essence of Tom.
136
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,851
Okay. Important meeting in the
conference room right now.
137
00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:00,950
We are going to all pick
our spirit dogs.
138
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,188
Oh. I've got to pick up
Gayle at the airport.
139
00:06:03,262 --> 00:06:05,355
Larry, I swear to God,
if you leave right now
140
00:06:05,431 --> 00:06:07,797
we will make your spirit dog
a Miniature Schnauzer.
141
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:10,897
Is that bad?
Yes. Get in there!
142
00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:15,668
Ann found this place. It's where we
bought our Sounds of Nature machine.
143
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:19,103
You bought a machine that
replicates an open window.
144
00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,738
Frasier. Chris Traeger.
Do you remember me?
145
00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:24,612
I came in here looking for the
Vanna White book on child care,
146
00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:27,414
I'd Like to Solve
the Puzzle of Parenting.
147
00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:29,985
Could you show my friend Ron that
amazing crib that you sold me?
148
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,456
The Baby Love Little Sweetheart
Safe Forever and Ever model?
149
00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:34,993
Oh. Yeah. That thing is a death trap.
I'm sorry?
150
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,961
Just found out this morning,
it's being recalled.
151
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,792
They found Maxicylofentabol
in the glue.
152
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,058
Is that good? It sounds bad.
153
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,961
It burned off my fingernails.
154
00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:44,500
I'll be in the car.
155
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:49,006
Councilwoman Leslie Knope
wants to put fluoride,
156
00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:51,766
which is a chemical,
into your drinking water.
157
00:06:52,044 --> 00:06:53,807
You know what else
is a chemical? Strychnine.
158
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:55,508
And cyanide.
159
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,446
What?
And dirt. And rust.
160
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,116
And even broken glass.
Exactly.
161
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:02,620
You definitely understand
what chemicals are, Perd.
162
00:07:02,688 --> 00:07:05,156
I would suggest, if you want
to contact the psychopath
163
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:10,423
that wants to turn your kids into
bad-at-math communist fluoride zombies,
164
00:07:10,496 --> 00:07:12,396
well, just call the number
at the bottom of your screen.
165
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:17,429
Leslie Knope. No. Stop right there.
You know what?
166
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:19,562
Fluoride protects your teeth and
it's perfectly healthy for you.
167
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:22,799
Well, if Jamm says that,
then he is a lying idiot.
168
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:25,105
And if you believe it,
then so are you.
169
00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:27,072
Whoa! You just talked
to that person
170
00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:28,477
like I talk to you.
You can't do that.
171
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:31,914
Why not? What are they gonna
do, kick me out of office?
172
00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:34,648
Why did it take me
so long to realize this?
173
00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:36,921
There are no consequences
to my actions anymore.
174
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:39,990
No matter what I do, literally
nothing bad can happen to me.
175
00:07:40,059 --> 00:07:42,323
I'm like a white, male,
US senator.
176
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,864
Fluoride is going
into the water, moron.
177
00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:48,727
Oh. Hey, Mom. Sorry.
178
00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:52,704
Because all it does
is prevent cavities!
179
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:55,735
God! I expected
more from you.
180
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:01,106
All right, I'm a loose cannon.
181
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,648
We need to fight fire with fire.
I call a town hall meeting,
182
00:08:03,716 --> 00:08:06,583
I gather everyone together,
I distribute the binders.
183
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:10,481
But now, the binders
are bright yellow!
184
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:12,456
Boom!
185
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,184
Too extreme?
186
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:18,196
Too nothing. Look, Jamm's
already ruined fluoride.
187
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:20,664
Everyone's scared of it. What
if we called it something else?
188
00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,994
What do you mean?
I mean, we rebrand.
189
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,703
No one cared
about Calvin Broadus,
190
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:27,567
until he started calling
himself Snoop Doggy Dogg.
191
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,138
Then, when people got tired of
that, he went by Snoop Dogg.
192
00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:31,675
And now, he's Snoop Lion.
193
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:35,246
What's he going to be in 10 years?
Snoop Laser Snake? Who knows?
194
00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:37,712
What are you saying,
we need to sex up fluoride?
195
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,013
I don't know, Tom. It's a
pretty sexy topic already.
196
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,587
Leslie, you got to give people
something to get excited about.
197
00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:45,315
You told me to make the most of my job.
I'm good at this stuff.
198
00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,525
Now, are you
a loose cannon or not?
199
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:49,683
Yeah.
200
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:52,727
I'm as loose as a goose.
Do your thing, Tom.
201
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:53,989
Aw.
202
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:57,263
Now, remember. It's about finding
a dog that captures your spirit.
203
00:08:57,503 --> 00:09:00,131
See? This is Craig.
204
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,269
Oh, no, that is insane.
205
00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:04,935
I will burn this place to the
ground, if you pick that one!
206
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,707
Okay, good choice.
207
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,940
You guys. Leslie.
Yes.
208
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:12,246
And Ron Swanson.
209
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,679
Yeah! Oh, my God. This is Larry.
210
00:09:15,521 --> 00:09:18,046
That's great. You nailed it.
Bingo. Donna. Nailed it.
211
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:21,656
You're a poodle because you're pretty,
and you like make-up and stuff.
212
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,226
Game over.
213
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:31,259
Ron, I want to do
things the Swanson way.
214
00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:36,236
Wonderful. First rule, no conversation
lasts longer than 100 total words.
215
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:39,543
You have used nine.
I have used 20. Continue.
216
00:09:39,612 --> 00:09:42,513
Fun. I'd like you
to teach me to build a crib.
217
00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:44,842
Why do you need
to build your own crib?
218
00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:47,881
Because I no longer trust anything
other than my own two hands.
219
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,415
It is debilitating,
but exciting.
220
00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:53,185
Okay. We'll go to my woodshop at lunch.
Wonderful.
221
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,951
Look at us. Both standing
on the cusp of fatherhood.
222
00:09:56,128 --> 00:09:58,187
I know we haven't spent a lot
of time together, but I hope...
223
00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,390
One hundred.
224
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:05,094
All right. So, in conclusion,
fluoride chemical,
225
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:09,699
tiny genitals, misinformation,
panic death, Jenny McCarthy.
226
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,869
Well, I don't know, Councilman.
That was a little dry.
227
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:17,983
What do you say
we have some fun? Huh?
228
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:19,242
Check this.
229
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:23,547
Plain water?
Yuck. I'm bored.
230
00:10:23,689 --> 00:10:24,747
Then, try this.
231
00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:30,258
What? What just happened?
232
00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:32,063
That water contains TDazzle,
233
00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:35,796
which makes your teeth stronger,
and starts a party in your mouth.
234
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:53,117
What? Fluoride's boring,
guys! Boo!
235
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:54,549
Welcome to T-Dazzle.
236
00:10:54,787 --> 00:10:58,723
It's not a chemical, it's an aquatic-based,
social media oral experience.
237
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:01,256
Everyone who tweets
a T-Dazzle in the next hour
238
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,887
will be entered to win an
exciting plain blue t-shirt.
239
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,128
- I say T. You say Dazzle. T!
- Dazzle!
240
00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:09,258
- T!
- Dazzle!
241
00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:11,162
Thank you for
the woodworking lesson, Ron.
242
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:14,400
This whole crib recall thing has got
me, literally, rethinking everything
243
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:15,973
I thought I knew
about parenting.
244
00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:19,239
What sleep method will you be using?
Ferber? Sears?
245
00:11:19,779 --> 00:11:21,246
Swanson method,
246
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,348
where you close
your eyes and fall asleep.
247
00:11:23,582 --> 00:11:26,312
I really wish
Ron would engage.
248
00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:29,952
But he exudes so much wisdom
that I can learn parenting tips
249
00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:31,484
simply by being in his presence.
250
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:34,685
Someone like Ron is teaching
even when they're not teaching.
251
00:11:35,227 --> 00:11:36,251
Does that make sense?
252
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:39,297
My anxiety has kept me up
for over 50 hours.
253
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:44,427
Our polling shows that 72%
of citizens are in favor
254
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,095
of adding T-Dazzle
to their water,
255
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:50,268
effectively killing Councilman
Jamm's so-called Clean Water Bill.
256
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,809
Eat it, Jamm. I won.
257
00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:53,305
Apology accepted.
258
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:56,210
You know, I've actually come around
to your way of thinking on this.
259
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:58,944
My only thought is,
why stop here?
260
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:02,680
Ladies and gentlemen, Sweetums
president, Jessica Wicks.
261
00:12:04,356 --> 00:12:05,414
Whoo!
262
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:09,590
Look, we all love T-Dazzle.
263
00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:13,095
But we can do more to improve
our drinking supply.
264
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,661
Sweetums is excited to propose
265
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,829
an alternative to boring
municipal water.
266
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:22,203
We call it, Drink-Ems! Whoo!
267
00:12:22,274 --> 00:12:25,869
Sweetums is prepared to take over
the management of Pawnee's water.
268
00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:28,709
This is going to save
this town beaucoup bucks.
269
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:31,041
Take a sip of this
delicious water
270
00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:33,947
and imagine it coming out
of your faucets at home.
271
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:36,188
This water is filled with sugar.
272
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,120
There's absolutely no way
we are doing this.
273
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:40,849
Too late. We're going to fill the
whole reservoir with this stuff.
274
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:42,357
Checkmate.
275
00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:44,792
Did you bring those
with you just to do that?
276
00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:46,361
- Maybe.
- Damn.
277
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:49,093
This is a baller move. What
are we gonna do now, Leslie?
278
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:54,401
Hey. Okay. Are you still mad
at me about the poodle thing?
279
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:56,599
It's just a dumb game.
I can pick another dog.
280
00:12:56,675 --> 00:12:58,540
I'm not mad about the choice.
281
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,338
I'm mad about the reasons.
282
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,207
Pretty? Make-up? Is that
all you know about me?
283
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:05,250
Mmm. We don't hang
out that much.
284
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:07,246
It's not like
you know a ton about me.
285
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,613
You're beautiful,
yet cold and aloof.
286
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,984
You pride yourself
on being a loner.
287
00:13:12,091 --> 00:13:14,218
You do not obey,
you choose to cooperate.
288
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:17,160
And when you stop baring your fangs
to pick a mate, it's for life.
289
00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:19,163
And you are fiercely
loyal to your pack,
290
00:13:19,231 --> 00:13:22,132
which makes you, a rare,
black, Siberian Husky.
291
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,670
That was so spot-on,
it was scary.
292
00:13:25,771 --> 00:13:28,365
I need to go lie down
for 45 minutes.
293
00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:30,201
No. An hour.
294
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:32,906
A full hour.
295
00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,874
Good morning.
This won't take long.
296
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:38,580
Simply put, it would be madness
297
00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:41,845
to let Sweetums take over our water
supply and pump it full of sugar.
298
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,884
What's next?
Cookie dough toothpaste?
299
00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:47,782
Bad example.
That would be amazing.
300
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:51,021
My point is, Sweetums is an
evil, profit-hungry corporation
301
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:52,495
that is ruining our health.
302
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:56,734
Ever since Sweetums opened its
doors, obesity is up 100%.
303
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:57,891
It's unacceptable.
304
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:01,631
Down with that poison-peddling
corporate monster.
305
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,069
Down with Sweetums!
306
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:08,675
Hey.
Hey. Heard about your speech.
307
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:10,408
Sounded great. I wish
you could have seen it.
308
00:14:10,482 --> 00:14:13,542
It felt so good.
I love loose cannoning.
309
00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:15,985
You know, I love the power
of no consequences.
310
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,656
Well, unfortunately, there
has been one consequence.
311
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,318
I just got fired from Sweetums.
312
00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:26,162
Because you were
embezzling. I hope.
313
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,634
Hey, Jessica. Did you do
something to your hair?
314
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,401
Because sister,
you look good enough to eat.
315
00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:36,667
Nom-nom-nom.
316
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:38,071
What do you want, Leslie?
317
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:40,802
You can't punish Ben for something I did.
It's not fair.
318
00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:44,508
I love him, and I will do anything
to help him get his job back.
319
00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:46,106
What do you want?
320
00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:50,121
I want you to formally apologize
for what you said about Sweetums.
321
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:54,918
I want you to say that we're a
moral, upstanding corporation
322
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:57,087
that you're proud
to have in Pawnee.
323
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:59,163
And when you make your apology,
324
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:02,195
I want you to wear
a lime-green pantsuit.
325
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:05,497
Because it will look horrible on you.
You are such an autumn.
326
00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:08,863
Did you need me
for something? Yes.
327
00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:11,603
I want to figure out your spirit
dog and I'm going to do that
328
00:15:11,677 --> 00:15:13,668
by learning everything
there is to know about you.
329
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,870
All right. Game on.
330
00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:17,915
Okay.
What's your favorite color?
331
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:19,882
For cars, it's gold.
For shoes, it's red.
332
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:22,216
Unless it's the weekend,
then reverse them.
333
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:26,347
Favorite music. 1970s funk and
1770s opera and Sugar Ray.
334
00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:29,057
Post Mark McGrath, after he
left for Entertainment Tonight.
335
00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:30,728
Favorite book.
Downton Abbey.
336
00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:33,162
That's not a...
Downton Abbey.
337
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,858
Okay. Um... Describe
your perfect Sunday.
338
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:39,037
Church, do the
Harper's Magazine acrostic,
339
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:40,503
play my oboe in the Jacuzzi,
340
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:42,301
while the sun
sets over Puget Sound.
341
00:15:42,574 --> 00:15:44,906
Favorite movies? In order.
Natural Born Killers,
342
00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:48,276
Remains of the Day and Bill
and Ted's Bogus Journey.
343
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,015
Excellent. Thank you
very much for your time.
344
00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:53,949
I will have your answer shortly.
345
00:15:56,488 --> 00:15:57,785
No idea.
346
00:15:58,023 --> 00:16:03,393
If a joint is properly fashioned, all
you need to do is guide it into place.
347
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:06,761
All you need to do
is guide it into place.
348
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,866
What I get from that is,
when parenting,
349
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:12,265
sometimes, a subtle hand is more
effective than a strong one.
350
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:16,172
This is already so much more helpful
than the last book on parenting I read,
351
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:19,808
Rad Dads, by Apolo Anton Ohno
and Shaun White.
352
00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:21,805
Nah...
353
00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:24,946
Ron, why did you throw
that wood away?
354
00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:26,882
It's unstable. It's no good.
355
00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:29,486
I just don't understand the
"throwing away the wood" metaphor.
356
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:30,978
What's the lesson?
357
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:33,718
I know!
It's potty-training.
358
00:16:34,226 --> 00:16:36,558
That trash can is the toilet
and the wood was the feces.
359
00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:39,958
Chris, I'm not teaching you anything.
We're just building a crib.
360
00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:42,657
No, I know you're not consciously
teaching me anything.
361
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,129
I'm just trying to siphon off
362
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:47,297
some of your calm, centered
wisdom through metaphors.
363
00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:49,705
Metaphors? I hate metaphors.
364
00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:51,866
That's why
my favorite book is Moby Dick.
365
00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:55,244
No frou-frou symbolism.
Just a good, simple tale
366
00:16:55,314 --> 00:16:57,009
about a man,
who hates an animal.
367
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:59,514
That's enough for today,
I think.
368
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,117
An organized child is a...
No.
369
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,751
Okay, I've been working
on this for three hours,
370
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:10,692
and I know your spirit dog.
371
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:14,060
You are a Nova Scotia Toller.
372
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:17,168
Because you're outgoing
and adventurous
373
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:19,669
and you love Canada?
374
00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:23,568
No, that's not right.
No, it isn't.
375
00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:26,042
But I appreciate the effort.
We're good.
376
00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:27,169
Do not beat yourself up.
377
00:17:27,246 --> 00:17:29,407
You'll probably never guess
what kind of dog I am.
378
00:17:30,282 --> 00:17:31,977
You're right. I'll never guess
what kind of dog you are.
379
00:17:32,317 --> 00:17:34,012
Because you're not a dog.
You're a cat.
380
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:39,184
You're temperamental, you're
unpredictable, complex and hard to read.
381
00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:42,125
You make people work
before you let them in.
382
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,559
But if they put the time in
and prove that they care,
383
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,427
then you open
yourself up to them.
384
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:48,588
Right?
385
00:17:50,869 --> 00:17:53,337
No. No, no, no, no.
386
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:56,140
Hmm.
387
00:17:56,975 --> 00:18:01,071
So, let's all raise a glass full of
delicious, sugary drinking water,
388
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,778
to Sweetums,
a Pawnee institution.
389
00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:06,584
Leslie, don't do this.
I have to, Ben.
390
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:08,950
We can't both be out of a job.
391
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:12,318
What do we do? Sleep all day,
take cooking classes together,
392
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:14,585
sit on a couch and watch movies?
393
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:17,494
God, that sounds horrible.
There's more at stake here.
394
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:20,429
You apologize, it will be an
endorsement for the Drink-Ems plan.
395
00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:21,590
I know that, but...
396
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,135
And everything you said
about Sweetums was right on.
397
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:26,671
I mean, 90%
of the charity work I did
398
00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,933
was to compensate
for messes they caused.
399
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:31,176
And I don't want
to work for them anymore.
400
00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:32,903
Are you sure?
Yeah.
401
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,376
Just go up there
and stick to your guns.
402
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,847
Well, it's not gonna make a difference.
I can't beat them.
403
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:40,384
All I have on my side
is facts and science,
404
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,420
and people hate
facts and science.
405
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,380
Wait. I have an idea.
Go get Tom.
406
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:46,719
What?
Run. Get Tom!
407
00:18:49,161 --> 00:18:52,494
Yesterday, I said some pretty
harsh things about Sweetums
408
00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:54,691
and their great new product.
409
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,869
But when I looked at the research, I
found some pretty compelling facts
410
00:18:57,936 --> 00:19:00,769
about Drink-Ems that
made me change my tune.
411
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:04,234
Each Drink-Ems is packed
with 35% of your daily
412
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:06,777
monopotassium
phosphate requirement.
413
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:11,178
MPP is an emulsifier, as well
as a plus-seven pH buffer.
414
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,807
Now, I know what you're thinking.
What about its molar mass?
415
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:17,083
How does 136.086 grab you?
416
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:19,180
What the...
417
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,393
I don't know about y'all, but
Drink-Ems seems pretty boring to me.
418
00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:25,760
Not like H2FLOW.
419
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,832
Excuse me.
I have several binders
420
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,334
with very important data
that I need to get through.
421
00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:32,199
Well, Miss, I think
we'd all appreciate it
422
00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:34,034
if you just swallowed
a teaspoon of hush.
423
00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:36,697
Think of H2FLOW
as an app for your teeth.
424
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,637
The more flow you take in, the
more sparkle points you get.
425
00:19:39,711 --> 00:19:42,839
Get enough sparkle points, and you're
on your way to your first Aqua Badge.
426
00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:45,678
Collect enough Aqua Badges,
and we'll welcome you
427
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:47,681
to the H2FLOW Platinum Club.
428
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:51,755
I'm great at business,
and I'm great at Parks stuff.
429
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,685
I'm like Picasso
meets Michael Jordan.
430
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:57,522
I can paint. But, uh, I can
also be a world-class gambler.
431
00:19:58,564 --> 00:19:59,895
Ron, what's this?
432
00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:03,301
The crib I built.
I'm giving it to you and Ann.
433
00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:06,960
It's perfectly safe. I tested
it by hitting it with my truck.
434
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:09,638
Well, Ron, I can't accept.
This is for your baby.
435
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,869
There is more than one
crib-tree in a forest.
436
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:15,937
That's not a lesson, by the way. Just
a comment on lumber availability.
437
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:18,374
It's beautiful. Thank you.
438
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:22,281
Nobody has all the right answers
in parenting, including me.
439
00:20:22,487 --> 00:20:25,650
And that toxic crib you bought won't
be the last mistake you make.
440
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:29,193
But a man who is this worried, about
making all the right choices,
441
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:30,959
cares very much.
442
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:33,864
That's all that matters.
You'll be a great father.
443
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,835
Thank you, Ron.
For the crib and the advice.
444
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,904
It's much better
than any metaphor.
445
00:20:41,106 --> 00:20:43,631
Does the white whale
actually symbolize
446
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:47,543
the unknowability and
meaninglessness of human existence?
447
00:20:48,347 --> 00:20:51,544
- No. It's just a...
- fish.
448
00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:55,418
Hey. Good news.
Drink-Ems is dead.
449
00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:57,352
As of tomorrow,
every Pawnee resident
450
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,913
will have H2FLOW
in their drinking water.
451
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:03,120
That's great news.
H2FLOW is fluoride, right?
452
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:07,731
They think so. I'll double-check
with Tom, but I'm, like, 95% sure.
453
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,868
Well, look at us. Two people, who
are about to have zero jobs.
454
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:13,326
Weird, huh?
455
00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:16,272
You and I, we always
land on our feet, right?
456
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:17,701
Uh-oh.
457
00:21:17,809 --> 00:21:20,141
Guess who won
that plain blue t-shirt.
458
00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:22,743
No way!
Look how blue it is!
459
00:21:22,814 --> 00:21:25,806
Wow! Things are already looking up.
Yeah.
460
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:36,500
Ripped By mstoll