Dinner!
Ooh, I love international taco night.
Virginia: We have... French fries, Greek yogurt,
Canadian bacon, Chinese noodles,
Italian sausage, American cheese,
and from the country of Chile, chili.
Kind of just seems like we're eating all the food
in the fridge that was about to go bad.
Yes, but in a taco shell.
This is like the buffet at the United Nations
without all the grab-ass.
Hope, look, these noodles
were made all the way in China by little girls the same age as you.
You know, in China
they actually eat a completely different kind of noodle than we have here.
I don't want to sound racist, but I kind of think all Chinese noodles look alike.
Yeah. I'm just saying.
My family used to travel a lot when I was a kid.
China, Argentina, Australia...
When I was a kid, I learned to keep my mouth shut
and not be such an annoying know-it-all.
You know, we went on a lot of trips when I was little, too.
I should, uh, show you the vacation photos after dinner.
Uh, that's a terrible idea.
Nobody likes to look at other people's vacation photos.
Besides, those pictures don't exist anymore.
BURT: Yeah. They melted in a...
Strangely contained shelf fire?
Are you sure?
I thought I saw them a couple days ago.
Uh...
Are these supposed to be hard or soft shell tacos?
That's a napkin, Maw Maw.
What will those Mexicans think of next?
Mmm.
Season 4, Episode 3 "Ship Happens"
Synced by ibelouis & Reef www.addic7ed.com
And that is when we went to Lake World.
Oh, man, the catfish show was amazing.
Look at you, all tuckered out. (laughs)
Oh, and this is when we went skiing in Vermont.
We stayed in this big cabin next to Ben and Jerry.
No, not the ice cream guys, just a gay couple on vacation.
SABRINA: You're asleep again.
Yeah, I always used to get carsick on vacations
so my parents would give me medicine
and it would make me kind of drowsy.
We had to choose between a puker and a sleeper.
We chose sleeper.
Hey, not to change the subject,
but is it just me, or is there a lot more Velcro on stuff lately?
Yeah, what is this brown stain in the sky?
Storm cloud.
I'm starting to get a weird feeling in my stomach.
There's a rip in the side of this mountain.
Of course there is.
That's Rip Mountain.
Oh, my God. These are all fake.
Fine. Some of them are fake. But the first one's real.
When you were little, all the other kids
were bragging about going to Lake World, so we took you.
But you got carsick, so we gave you medicine.
Not only did it knock you out for the drive,
you slept through the whole day.
VIRGINIA: And the next morning, all you could talk about
was what a great time you had at Lake World.
So we figured, why stop there?
Why not give you great memories of seeing the whole country?
Drink up, honey. It's a long drive to Hawaii.
Once you were in dreamland,
we'd just drive across town to the dumpster behind the photography studio.
BURT: I did landscaping nearby,
so every time I saw them throw out a backdrop,
we knew it was vacation time.
VIRGINIA: We went everywhere.
We gave Jimmy the greatest imaginary childhood a kid could have.
So you're telling me I never used the toilet that Elvis died on?
I mean, I still brag about that!
Shh. It's okay, Jimmy. It's okay. It's all water under the Brooklyn Bridge.
Which we now know you never actually saw.
The important thing is that we're gonna work harder for Hope.
We worked pretty hard.
I just mean we're gonna take her on a real vacation.
Oh. A "real" vacation.
Good luck with that on two grocery baggers' salaries.
Ah.
It doesn't have to be fancy, as long as we're together.
- And awake. - It's not worth it.
Family vacations just get everybody out of sync.
She's right.
It's nothing but driving and sunburns and a whole lot of fighting.
How would you know? You never took us anywhere.
- See? We're already fighting. - Pretty soon we're gonna be sunburned.
Maybe we didn't give Jimmy real vacations.
But we gave him real memories.
And that's all kids remember from vacations anyway...
Is memories.
And now all Jimmy's memories are ruined. Thank you, Helen Keller.
I don't think that's who you think it is.
- Yeah, the girl detective. - You're thinking of Amelia Earhart.
Nancy Drew. You're thinking of Nancy Drew.
- Doesn't ring a bell. - It's not important.
The fact is, Jimmy was happy, well-traveled and ignorant,
and you just took away two of those things.
I hate to think your mother is right,
but all the vacations in here cost thousands of dollars.
Have you looked into a Cougar Cruise?
It's three nights on the Caribbean. It's pretty wild.
Frank, we're trying to plan a family vacation, not have sex with older women.
No, these are actual live cougars.
You sail the high seas with them.
It's loosely based off that hilarious movie Life of Pi.
But it is a cruise,
so... there are a lot of older women, if you're into that.
Check this out.
I mean, it's no cougar cruise, but at least it's still a boat trip.
- "Travel and Make Money." - Oh, that sounds cool.
You know what else is cool?
Not talking about the awesome trips you're gonna take
in front of someone you haven't invited.
Yet.
Guess what. You guys were wrong.
Sabrina found us a great vacation.
- Shh. - Shh.
Can't you see we're doing a teeth cleaning?
If you startle Maw Maw awake, one of us could lose a finger.
Hey, look.
It's the little iron from the Monopoly set.
We haven't played in over a year.
We should really floss her more often.
We came over here to invite you guys on a real family vacation.
One that will take place outside of an alley and nowhere near a dumpster.
Let me check my calendar.
- Pass. - BURT: You guys have fun.
We got our paradise right here.
Look, it's a game board bonanza.
Think I found Colonel Mustard's candlestick.
No. That's just a filling.
JIMMY: You guys sure you don't want to go on this vacation with us?
Look, this rich Vanderklam family
is paying us 500 bucks to go sail their boat
down the river to the Fulton Marina.
SABRINA: Then we're gonna use that money
on two nights at a hotel and train tickets back to Natesville.
- You thinking what I'm thinking? - Boat sex?
Excuse me? Did you just say "boat sex"?
We've got this whole "transportation sex" checklist we're plowing through.
Ooh, a plow!
- Is that even on the list? - It is now. (chuckles)
This all started years ago when your mom and I snuck a ride on a bus.
We should wait for a bumpy section of highway
and let the road do all the work.
You're so smart.
Thanks, Dale.
(whooping)
(both laugh)
Well, uh...
I was hoping that you'd want to come with to be part of our family memories.
Oh, definitely. We're in.
We are gonna have front-row seats for this vacation disaster.
Okay, that's it. Get the pickle.
(Maw Maw snoring)
Oh...
That's how Paw Paw used to wake me up.
Of course, his pickle was smaller and smelled a lot worse.
Hi.
Uh, we're here to take the Vanderklams' boat to the Fulton Marina.
(laughs): Oh... I like how you dressed the part.
It's not often you see folks get so decked out
just to tow a boat down the highway.
We're towing it?
We... Are you kidding me?
I thought we were gonna take it out on the water.
And I thought Jimmy Buffett was a good role model.
Have a great trip.
Aw, man.
Bet carsick medicine sounds real good now.
VIRGINIA: You two just give the signal and it's nighty-night juice all around.
Now, on the flyer, the boat is clearly not on a trailer.
It's highly misleading.
Well, nothing like this ever happened when we took Jimmy on vacations.
Nothing happened because being unconscious is not a vacation.
I beg to differ.
Now, it looks like there's a Stuffed Animal Museum right on the way,
and that'd be a great memory for Hope.
Burt and I will ride on the boat. Just to give you two some privacy.
I'll grab the champagne and the boombox out of the back of the car, we'll set sail.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. No one is allowed in the boat.
- Didn't you read the contract? - Oh, yeah, I read every word.
That's why my daughter's wearing a snorkel on a road trip.
Is there anything else I might've missed?
If you don't get the boat there by 4:00 p.m., you forfeit half the money.
(snorts)
Right. So that means we had to leave, what?
30 minutes ago?
- Everyone get in the car. - Go, go, go, go, go!
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry.
Can we please stop the car, Sabrina? We've been holding it for five hours.
We're supposed to be holding it?
- That's news to me. - Me, too.
We're gonna stop at the next gas station.
That's what you said about the last five gas stations.
The next gas station that has room for a boat to go in and out of it.
Just hang in there. It looks like there's one coming up in about a mile.
Hey, the Stuffed Animal Museum's coming up in about a mile.
We're gonna be stopped right by it.
Okay, Jimmy, delivering the boat is our priority right now.
Just wanted to make sure you didn't forget about the museum.
It's hard to forget about it when you mention it ten times.
Sounds like somebody's getting a little out of sync.
JIMMY and SABRINA: We're not out of sync!
Please don't say "sink."
Or the name of anything else I have ever peed in.
Go quickly. We only have ten minutes.
Okay. Come on.
What...?
Where the hell is the car?
Hey, between you and me?
This vacation's starting to get interesting.
Wha...? What?
This doesn't make any sense.
Why would somebody take the car but leave the boat?
Because nobody wants to tow a boat?
Nothing like this ever happened to us at Rip Mountain.
MAW MAW: It's a sign.
First we gather two of every kind of animal.
Then we wait.
SABRINA: Okay, I got this.
Jimmy, I just want you to take Hope and Maw Maw
and go into the Stuffed Animal Museum, okay?
I'm gonna call the cops. Don't worry, everybody.
There's still plenty of time to make some happy family memories, okay?
Our car was just stolen.
I don't want to leave you on your own to deal with this.
Jimmy... we came here to have fun,
and we are gonna have fun, damn it.
So take the kid and take the crazy old lady,
and go in there and make some happy memories!
Okay?
All right.
Let's go make some memories!
Let's make some memories.
Watch the boat.
What are you doing?
No punk car thief is gonna take down my vacation.
If I'm not back in five minutes, forward my mail to Hell.
I'm just kidding. If I'm not back in five minutes, please call an ambulance.
I tried to warn her.
Vacations are a disaster.
Hey, we have that boat all to ourselves.
She said watch the boat. Didn't say watch it from outside. (chuckles)
Come on... whoa!
Uh...
Good enough for Jimmy's crib, good enough for a boat.
OLD MAN: Welcome to the Stuffed Animal Museum.
A menagerie of wonders and merriment for all ages.
All right, well, one adult, one child and one senior, please.
Oh...
- Seniors are free. - Of course.
'Cause we're not real people anymore,
just clothes and skin holding in farts.
Aren't you delightful!
You don't look a day over 85.
Likewise.
Once you've gone through the tour,
why don't we just, uh,
take our teeth out and see what happens.
(both laughing)
Not to interrupt this disgusting interaction,
but my four-year-old is real anxious to go see the stuffed animals.
I believe you mean to say "excited."
"Anxious" means "filled with anxiety."
These kids today and their grammar.
Okay, once inside, just follow
the yellow paw prints on the floor to guide you through.
(clicks tongue)
- Enjoy. - All right.
We're gonna go through...
You ready, Hope? This is gonna be awesome.
(Jimmy shrieks)
Not the cute kind of stuffed animals!
Not cute!
(grunting)
It won't spin this way. Help!
There's been some kind of misunderstanding.
Would you let us out!
(amplified): Please follow the yellow paw prints.
Thank you and enjoy.
(whimpering) Maw Maw, help me get Hope out of here.
Shh! I'm in a staring contest with this owl.
(rock music blaring over radio)
Hey... (grunting)
I came here to deliver a boat and have a nice vacation.
And right now, I'm all out of vacation.
What does that even mean? (laughs)
(groans)
(spits)
(wolf howling over P.A.)
It's okay, Hope.
We're just playing a long, creepy game of peek-a-boo.
(Jimmy gasps, whimpers)
I am gonna write a very negative online review of your museum!
(amplified): Go ahead, I'll delete it.
Well, then I'll write another one!
(amplified): Then I'll delete that one, too.
(Jimmy whimpers)
Fine! Then I'll probably give up at that point.
But I'll still be very upset!
(screaming)
Jimmy!
Get this guy's card. He's good.
I was thinking cremation,
but if he can make this old bat look good, imagine what he could do for me.
(plastic squeaking, Virginia moaning)
Ah...
Burt, what's going on?
I think I'm having a little problem.
Do we have to get those pills where we sit in bathtubs in a field?
No, I think I'm just distracted by these pictures of this family on vacation.
I'm wondering if we could've done better for Jimmy.
Burt, these people are "boat rich."
Of course they had fancy vacations.
But they're not all fancy vacations.
They went hiking, they went to the beach.
They went fishing at Natesville Lake.
That's closer to our house than the dumpster behind the photo studio.
(scoffs) Next you're gonna say you think Sabrina was right.
No, no, no, no. No! (laughing)
No.
Maybe.
Maybe?
Not a definite maybe. A maybe-ish maybe.
So...
You're saying I'm wrong?
Maybe?
Maybe you're saying that,
or maybe I'm wrong?
Or...
Maybe you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Maybe you should have boat sex by yourself.
No, Virginia, I've already done that on a boat.
Come on! Virginia!
Virginia, wait! (car tires screeching)
I got the car back.
You guys... what are you doing?
Look who saved the day chasing thieves on her stolen motorcycle.
Little Miss Right About Everything.
I never said she was right about everything.
For God's sake, she married Jimmy.
This is officially the worst vacation ever.
SABRINA: Excuse me?
I have done absolutely everything I can do
to give this family something that they've never had before.
- A stolen motorcycle? - No. A vacation.
- You stole a motorcycle? - To get the car back.
Jimmy, it was a selfless act of heroism
so you could enjoy your time at the teddy bear museum.
They were not teddy bears. They were stuffed animals.
Real animals. Eating other animals. Hope's going to be scarred for life.
I pilfered this antelope, so the day wasn't a total loss.
You're right, Burt, we messed up.
When Jimmy was a kid, we should have taken him on vacation,
stolen a motorcycle and gone to the museum of nightmares.
Those would've been way better vacation memories than we ever gave him.
It's not about what we gave Jimmy.
We did the best we could with what we had.
I can live with that.
But they could do better with Hope if we're on their side,
not rooting against them.
JIMMY: ...a motorcycle ride would've been fun.
SABRINA: You know what, you guys?
Let's just hitch up the boat and drop it off, then we can all just go home.
Hey, Jimmy, I always suspected you fancied boys,
but when did you start advertising it?
What are you talking about?
Your bumper sticker says, "I'd rather be spelunking."
This is not our car.
(siren whoops, police radio chatter)
(gasps)
Which one of you assaulted this man and stole his vehicle?
- What? - Hold this for me.
No reason both of us have to go to jail.
Look, honestly, it's-it's such an easy mistake.
- Our-our cars are the exact same color... - She assaulted me!
Do you know how swollen my testicles are?
We'll never know unless you show us.
That psycho from the Stuffed Animal Museum is the real criminal!
Those deviants didn't even follow the yellow paw prints!
They went right out the fire exit!
- You cuff 'em, I'll stuff 'em! - Everybody quiet down.
- Put your hands behind your back, miss. - You're arresting me?
Look, my only crime is caring too much.
I mean, sure, assault and Grand Theft Auto, but mostly just caring too much.
Look, I just really wanted to give my daughter a fun vacation memory.
VIRGINIA: If you're gonna arrest her, you're gonna have to arrest me, too.
- Why? - She wouldn't have had to do any of this
if I just tried harder to give my granddaughter a real vacation.
Well, if that little cutie is your granddaughter, you're missing it.
Hey, Gram! I'm driving a boat.
Hope!
Please, can you just wait one second to arrest me?
I just... I really want to get this on video.
Okay. Stay there.
Come on, Hope, let's make a memor... (screams)
Oh, yeah. Same thing happened with Jimmy's crib.
- Oh. Am I in jail? - No...
You hit your head; you're in the hospital.
BURT: Good news is, when they saw you flopping around
on the ground like a fish out of water, they felt too bad to press charges.
Oh, that's good news.
Oh, on the flip side, I just gave Hope the worst vacation ever.
- I don't think she feels that way. - Look at this.
(laughing)
You put me up on the boat while I was unconscious?
Hey, I mean, you planned the whole thing.
We weren't gonna leave you out of the videos.
And holding you upright kept you from swallowing your tongue
till the ambulance got there.
Check these out.
Catfish!
Whoa! Catch it!
Whoa!
Oh...
(laughs) Whoa!
Eh? That's good, right?
Oh, I'm glad Hope had a good time.
Virginia, you were so right.
Having a real vacation is more trouble than it's worth.
Well, this trip was awful.
This was more of a crime spree than a trip.
But next year, we could do better if we all work together.
And who knows, maybe someday the Chances will take a vacation
where one of us isn't passed out in every picture.
I would really like that. But no more boats.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Aah!
Jimmy, how did I get so sunburned?
I may have forgotten to put your sunscreen on.
(groans)
Hey... I'm proud of you.
I know how hard it is for you to admit you're wrong.
- No, it isn't. - I totally agree.
- Too bad there's no boat here. - Oh, that's okay.
Plenty of other vehicles in the sea.
Let's go! We have a spelunker with a ruptured testicle!
(gentle classical music playing)
It's so nice to dance with something that still has a pulse.
Dinner was lovely.
The chicken was delicious!
That's because it wasn't chicken.
It was meerkat.
Synced by ibelouis & Reef www.addic7ed.com