1 00:00:02,341 --> 00:00:04,616 Marshall and Marvin were taking the bus 2 00:00:04,636 --> 00:00:07,336 on their way to Long Island to meet up with us. 3 00:00:07,358 --> 00:00:10,389 There, there, little Marvin. Let no more tears fall. 4 00:00:10,408 --> 00:00:13,548 We're gonna see Mommy in no time at all. 5 00:00:14,105 --> 00:00:15,856 Hello there. I'm sorry for all of the noise. 6 00:00:15,875 --> 00:00:18,629 It's been a long day for the Eriksen boys. 7 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,652 - Uh... what's with the rhyming? - I'm glad that you ask. 8 00:00:21,666 --> 00:00:24,616 To get my son sleeping is no easy task. 9 00:00:24,950 --> 00:00:27,385 A few weeks ago, the job fell to my wife. 10 00:00:27,404 --> 00:00:29,834 And as the poor baby cried out for dear life, 11 00:00:29,848 --> 00:00:32,685 she read every book, but all were no use 12 00:00:32,705 --> 00:00:35,835 until she arrived at a mother named Goose. 13 00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:37,786 - Why, Marvin... - She noted. 14 00:00:37,812 --> 00:00:39,773 ...these rhymes make you tired! 15 00:00:39,779 --> 00:00:41,955 And ever since then, all young Marvin's required 16 00:00:41,967 --> 00:00:44,518 is one book of rhymes, and to dream land he goes. 17 00:00:44,530 --> 00:00:46,222 Now, what shall we read? 18 00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:48,724 Oh, crap, I left his book in the car! 19 00:00:50,549 --> 00:00:51,815 That blows. 20 00:00:53,266 --> 00:00:57,266 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x11♪ Bedtime Stories Original Air Date on November 25, 2013 21 00:00:57,285 --> 00:01:02,285 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 22 00:01:06,389 --> 00:01:09,661 Oh, no, what a bummer! What craptastic luck! 23 00:01:09,681 --> 00:01:11,856 Without Marvin's rhyme book, this ride's gonna suck! 24 00:01:11,879 --> 00:01:13,853 Does anyone here have some poetry maybe? 25 00:01:13,861 --> 00:01:16,564 - Or any advice? - Yeah! Don't have a baby! 26 00:01:18,894 --> 00:01:20,896 I guess if I don't want young Marvin to wake up, 27 00:01:20,908 --> 00:01:23,091 the rhymes will just have to be ones that I make up. 28 00:01:23,106 --> 00:01:25,818 I'll whip up some poetry in seconds flat! 29 00:01:31,334 --> 00:01:35,301 Oh, I know! This story's called Mosby at the Bat! 30 00:01:40,242 --> 00:01:43,517 The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor Ted's romantic life. 31 00:01:43,543 --> 00:01:47,045 He was deep into his thirties, and yet, still he had no wife. 32 00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:50,543 But then, one day whilst grading papers, life sent him a whammy. 33 00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:54,098 A physics prof named Lisa who'd just moved here from Miami. 34 00:01:54,124 --> 00:01:56,624 - Professor? - She asked timidly. He answered: 35 00:01:56,646 --> 00:01:59,357 - Call me Ted. - Oh. I don't want to bother you. 36 00:01:59,388 --> 00:02:01,225 - Please, have a seat. - He said. 37 00:02:01,525 --> 00:02:04,895 I'm fairly new to teaching, and I'm looking for advice. 38 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:08,179 Every night I practice giving lectures, sometimes twice. 39 00:02:08,208 --> 00:02:12,258 But when I teach magnetic force, I just see eyeballs glazing. 40 00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:17,037 I asked around, and people say your lectures are amazing. 41 00:02:17,447 --> 00:02:21,285 Which is really saying something, because, architecture? Yawn. 42 00:02:21,291 --> 00:02:22,304 And Ted thought... 43 00:02:22,325 --> 00:02:25,344 Psh, yeah, 'cause physics is so interesting. 44 00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:26,510 Go on. 45 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:30,218 It's just that you're so skilled, and I'm a relative beginner. 46 00:02:30,249 --> 00:02:33,637 If it isn't too much trouble, can I take you out to dinner? 47 00:02:33,660 --> 00:02:37,666 I'd love to get some pointers, and I shouldn't keep you late. 48 00:02:37,975 --> 00:02:40,638 - What do you say? - What do I say? 49 00:02:40,672 --> 00:02:42,216 Teddy Westside's got a date! 50 00:02:42,227 --> 00:02:44,337 - Hooray! - We cheered. 51 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,515 - Ted's off the bench! - Our boy's back in the game! 52 00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:49,697 Thank God, it's been a hundred years since Mosby scored a dame. 53 00:02:49,721 --> 00:02:53,094 The last time he saw boobies was the screen-test scene in Fame. 54 00:02:53,112 --> 00:02:56,300 The last girl he dated, I think "Righty" was her name. 55 00:02:56,318 --> 00:02:59,690 Hold it. Let's not all go crazy like some wild berzerkers. 56 00:02:59,702 --> 00:03:02,821 What if this is just a business meal between co-workers? 57 00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:04,746 Ted thought back on past failed dates. 58 00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:06,871 Oh, God, that could be true. 59 00:03:06,904 --> 00:03:10,105 How many times have I come home to find my balls are blue? 60 00:03:10,130 --> 00:03:13,310 It all depends where Ted and his new fetching young Floridian 61 00:03:13,329 --> 00:03:16,132 are standing in relation to that puzzling meridian 62 00:03:16,151 --> 00:03:19,637 called "The International Date Line." That's right, new theory. 63 00:03:19,655 --> 00:03:21,447 - "What's that," you ask? - Nobody did. 64 00:03:21,475 --> 00:03:23,689 I'll now address your query! 65 00:03:23,726 --> 00:03:27,681 The date line is the border betwixt happiness and sorrow. 66 00:03:27,732 --> 00:03:29,989 On this side, you go home tonight. 67 00:03:30,013 --> 00:03:32,555 On this side, home tomorrow. 68 00:03:32,581 --> 00:03:36,150 And then, as Barney made some gestures that were rather rude, 69 00:03:36,181 --> 00:03:39,656 Ted left to go meet Lisa, in a rather puzzled mood. 70 00:03:39,849 --> 00:03:43,549 Was this a date? He simply couldn't tell how he was faring. 71 00:03:43,572 --> 00:03:47,366 Then Lisa showed up. Ted rejoiced to see what she was wearing. 72 00:03:47,449 --> 00:03:51,545 For girls at business dinners don't have necklines that revealing! 73 00:03:56,032 --> 00:04:00,378 But then a friendly handshake gave poor Ted a sinking feeling. 74 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:08,145 And so, the night wore on. And back and forth, the globe rotated. 75 00:04:08,177 --> 00:04:11,552 But still, Ted's curiosity was never fully sated. 76 00:04:11,566 --> 00:04:15,567 How long could this continue? He was truly fortune's pawn. 77 00:04:15,586 --> 00:04:17,099 Then Lisa saw the TV. 78 00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:19,128 Hey, the Yankees game is on! 79 00:04:19,348 --> 00:04:20,948 - Of baseball... - Ted observed... 80 00:04:20,973 --> 00:04:23,036 ...you seem to have some firsthand knowledge. 81 00:04:23,044 --> 00:04:25,138 To which the lady shrugged and said... 82 00:04:25,155 --> 00:04:27,297 I played softball in college. 83 00:04:29,219 --> 00:04:32,994 Now the age-old softball stereotype's just that, and nothing more. 84 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:35,069 - Yeah! - But as the Yankees got a run, 85 00:04:35,087 --> 00:04:37,035 Ted feared he wouldn't score. 86 00:04:37,053 --> 00:04:40,553 For while the date side of the line's the one we all might guess he's in, 87 00:04:40,575 --> 00:04:43,519 there'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a... 88 00:04:43,531 --> 00:04:45,018 Yes! We win! 89 00:04:45,582 --> 00:04:47,783 Then Lisa took a drink and said... 90 00:04:47,808 --> 00:04:49,498 This may sound kind of random, 91 00:04:49,521 --> 00:04:52,577 but there actually is a reason for my rabid Yankee fandom. 92 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:56,615 I guess I'll just be honest here, though crazy it may seem. 93 00:04:56,644 --> 00:05:00,508 My first week in New York, I dated someone on the team. 94 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:02,233 - Which player? - I'm not saying. 95 00:05:02,258 --> 00:05:04,275 - Please? - What are you, a reporter? 96 00:05:04,351 --> 00:05:07,756 Ted's mind began to race. The waiter came to take their order. 97 00:05:07,796 --> 00:05:10,909 - As Lisa said... - I might like the spaghetti marinara. 98 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:13,074 Poor Ted just wondered silently... 99 00:05:13,099 --> 00:05:16,013 - Mariano Rivera? - And as she said... 100 00:05:16,034 --> 00:05:18,372 I read this place has great chicken Milano. 101 00:05:18,395 --> 00:05:20,583 All Ted could bring himself to think was: 102 00:05:20,595 --> 00:05:22,422 Alfonso Soriano? 103 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,557 I want something hearty. 104 00:05:24,576 --> 00:05:26,382 How about blackened miso cod? 105 00:05:26,412 --> 00:05:29,796 Is it Joe Girardi? Holy crap, is it A-Rod?! 106 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,462 Okay, Ted, calm down. 107 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,275 You've got to get yourself together. 108 00:05:33,306 --> 00:05:37,351 Just smile, be charming, ooze charisma, talk about the weather. 109 00:05:37,408 --> 00:05:38,777 For this might be a date, 110 00:05:38,808 --> 00:05:41,196 which means there might be hanky-panky. 111 00:05:41,223 --> 00:05:44,036 So, dude, be cool, relax, don't even... 112 00:05:44,048 --> 00:05:46,059 Just tell me which Yankee! 113 00:05:46,969 --> 00:05:49,450 I'd rather not discuss this here. 114 00:05:49,484 --> 00:05:51,678 But then again, I'd hate... 115 00:05:51,693 --> 00:05:54,956 to let a silly secret ruin such a lovely date. 116 00:05:55,186 --> 00:05:58,592 If there's an elephant in the room, why don't we just remove it? 117 00:05:58,629 --> 00:06:01,393 I dated Derek Jeter. Here's a picture that'll prove it. 118 00:06:01,426 --> 00:06:03,176 As Ted looked at that cell phone pic, 119 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:07,495 there were two things he reckoned. This definitely was a date, 120 00:06:07,766 --> 00:06:09,904 but there wouldn't be a second. 121 00:06:10,476 --> 00:06:14,479 See? It worked. I said some rhymes, and out my boy did conk. 122 00:06:14,498 --> 00:06:15,996 Now let's enjoy the ride. 123 00:06:16,862 --> 00:06:18,425 Move, jackass! 124 00:06:24,144 --> 00:06:27,583 Okay, I need a brand-new tale to silence Marvin's chatter. 125 00:06:27,611 --> 00:06:30,686 I don't know, that last one had some sketchy subject matter. 126 00:06:30,698 --> 00:06:33,764 Forgive me, but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? 127 00:06:33,791 --> 00:06:36,058 You don't tell kids a tale that crass! 128 00:06:36,072 --> 00:06:37,565 I guess he had a point. 129 00:06:37,596 --> 00:06:42,071 I know, I said some things that were, as you say, kind of questionable. 130 00:06:42,103 --> 00:06:46,041 The truth is, children Marvin's age aren't really that impressionable. 131 00:06:46,064 --> 00:06:48,285 Do you remember anything from when you were this small? 132 00:06:48,307 --> 00:06:50,870 Pumpkin picking at age three is the first thing I recall. 133 00:06:50,892 --> 00:06:52,142 - Hmm. - Huh. 134 00:06:52,166 --> 00:06:53,729 He won't remember this. I guess it's true. 135 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:54,842 It better be. 136 00:06:54,866 --> 00:06:58,035 Or else we'll end up paying through the nose for Marvin's therapy. 137 00:06:58,078 --> 00:07:00,850 Okay, buddy, nice chat, but I think I need a break. 138 00:07:00,884 --> 00:07:02,098 Great idea. 139 00:07:02,692 --> 00:07:05,752 After this story! Robin Takes the Cake. 140 00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,822 Once in an East Side bakery, 141 00:07:12,851 --> 00:07:15,985 your debonair Aunt Robin was making other customers think, 142 00:07:16,006 --> 00:07:18,162 "Geez, who let this slob in?" 143 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:21,308 She didn't care about their stares, or who was looking on. 144 00:07:21,336 --> 00:07:22,505 She'd just broke up with... 145 00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:23,552 Kevin. 146 00:07:23,570 --> 00:07:26,487 No, Gael. Or Scooby? 147 00:07:28,089 --> 00:07:29,383 Don? 148 00:07:29,806 --> 00:07:33,650 Now, sometimes, when it rains it pours, and sometimes, it starts snowing, 149 00:07:33,682 --> 00:07:35,582 for as cream filling hit her shirt... 150 00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:37,915 Hey, Robin, how's it going? 151 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:41,775 'Twas Simon, her ex-boyfriend from her younger days in Canada, 152 00:07:41,799 --> 00:07:43,910 but now, he looked quite different... 153 00:07:44,939 --> 00:07:46,239 Um... 154 00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:50,151 Rhyme. Uh... thinking. Uh... 155 00:07:50,177 --> 00:07:52,309 I've just been handed a news flash. 156 00:07:52,331 --> 00:07:54,520 The word "Canada" is unrhymeable. 157 00:07:54,545 --> 00:07:57,408 It's easier to-- I don't know-- get drunk and try to climb a bull. 158 00:07:57,427 --> 00:08:01,127 But Canada, damn it, ask any man on the planet and watch their stammerin' stamina 159 00:08:01,135 --> 00:08:05,037 as they clamor and cram it into the middle of a sentence for a shot at repentance, 160 00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:07,748 pass the problem on to all their non-rhyming descendants. 161 00:08:07,765 --> 00:08:10,340 I've never met anyone who could clean up after Canada. 162 00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:13,014 Except my Uncle Tony from the Bronx. He's a janitor. 163 00:08:17,819 --> 00:08:19,333 Show-off. 164 00:08:20,156 --> 00:08:22,238 Simon. Nice to see you. 165 00:08:22,261 --> 00:08:23,999 So, what brings you to New York? 166 00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:25,583 - I live here now. - What? Really? 167 00:08:25,602 --> 00:08:26,796 - Yeah. - That's great. 168 00:08:26,808 --> 00:08:28,265 Can I get a fork? 169 00:08:28,614 --> 00:08:31,769 He'd always been a deadbeat and your classic hoser phony, 170 00:08:31,788 --> 00:08:35,229 but seeing Simon all cleaned up hit Robin like a Zamboni. 171 00:08:35,441 --> 00:08:38,650 And as she looked him up and down, young Robin felt a tingle. 172 00:08:38,674 --> 00:08:42,293 Had Simon blossomed finally? And if so, was he single? 173 00:08:42,372 --> 00:08:43,180 So great. 174 00:08:43,210 --> 00:08:46,504 She purred, whilst batting her eyelashes like a flooze. 175 00:08:46,536 --> 00:08:50,400 Yup, I'm engaged to Louise Marsh, and our pad's got a Jacuzz! 176 00:08:50,433 --> 00:08:52,311 The bakery spinned, the floor dropped out. 177 00:08:52,329 --> 00:08:54,061 The air was thick as syrup. 178 00:08:54,088 --> 00:08:57,794 Poor Robin swooned, she couldn't breathe, her eyes began to tear up. 179 00:08:57,813 --> 00:09:01,686 And as she tried to stammer some excuse to get away, Simon said: 180 00:09:01,710 --> 00:09:04,174 Our wedding cake is pretty bitchin', eh? 181 00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:07,889 And so was born the worst idea poor Robin's ever had. 182 00:09:07,953 --> 00:09:10,254 And on Ted's door there came a rapping. 183 00:09:10,281 --> 00:09:11,849 I did something bad. 184 00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:15,724 As Robin told her tale, Ted knew she'd made a massive boo-boo. 185 00:09:15,742 --> 00:09:19,491 For stealing someone's wedding cake is terribly bad juju. 186 00:09:19,519 --> 00:09:22,660 Robin, I'm beside myself to see what you've become! 187 00:09:22,682 --> 00:09:24,338 You must return this cake at once! 188 00:09:24,365 --> 00:09:25,394 - I can't! - Why not? 189 00:09:25,411 --> 00:09:26,710 'Cause... 190 00:09:28,032 --> 00:09:28,707 Yum. 191 00:09:28,726 --> 00:09:32,457 Ted gasped, for he had never seen a brazen act so vicious. 192 00:09:32,470 --> 00:09:34,276 Robin felt remorse, and yet... 193 00:09:34,294 --> 00:09:36,445 Oh, God, this is delicious! 194 00:09:36,464 --> 00:09:40,258 So one piece led to two, then three, then five, then 17. 195 00:09:40,283 --> 00:09:43,922 She savaged that poor cake like some rapacious wolverine. 196 00:09:43,947 --> 00:09:47,441 Eating, gobbling, munching, so the frenzied night wore on. 197 00:09:47,470 --> 00:09:50,947 And by the time your mom arrived, the cake was halfway gone. 198 00:09:50,978 --> 00:09:52,959 I came as soon as I got word. 199 00:09:52,974 --> 00:09:54,480 So how bad is the damage? 200 00:09:54,493 --> 00:09:58,516 See for yourself the product of her cake-in-gullet crammage! 201 00:09:58,534 --> 00:09:59,958 Half a cake? 202 00:10:00,154 --> 00:10:03,765 What have I done?! The world shall not forgive it! 203 00:10:03,787 --> 00:10:07,446 This day will live in infamy. I never shall outlive it! 204 00:10:07,492 --> 00:10:12,371 For I have become the girl that eats her feelings, don't mistake it. 205 00:10:12,431 --> 00:10:15,313 I think I need to get out of this chair before I break it. 206 00:10:15,331 --> 00:10:17,776 Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash! 207 00:10:17,788 --> 00:10:19,740 Said Mommy, with great fervor. 208 00:10:19,763 --> 00:10:22,551 You can't stop now, for don't you see? 209 00:10:22,569 --> 00:10:26,751 To the uninformed observer, you're not some sad cliché, 210 00:10:26,768 --> 00:10:29,936 some loser from a chick-lit story. 211 00:10:29,970 --> 00:10:33,689 You're Robin, and you're half a wedding cake away from glory! 212 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:38,535 If you quit now, then Simon wins, the tale comes to a stop 213 00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:42,721 at how you saw an ex, freaked out, and robbed a pastry shop. 214 00:10:42,745 --> 00:10:45,166 But if you have the guts, my dear, 215 00:10:45,190 --> 00:10:49,194 it's time to get empowered and be remembered for this 216 00:10:49,212 --> 00:10:52,050 sweet behemoth you devoured. 217 00:10:52,078 --> 00:10:53,356 And years from now, 218 00:10:53,374 --> 00:10:59,204 the troubadour will raise his voice and sing of the time that Robin took the cake. 219 00:10:59,229 --> 00:11:01,473 And ate the whole... 220 00:11:01,496 --> 00:11:02,621 damned... 221 00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:03,993 thing. 222 00:11:04,459 --> 00:11:06,379 Once more into the breach she surged, 223 00:11:06,413 --> 00:11:11,772 as Ted and Mommy cheered and bite by bite the towering confection disappeared. 224 00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:15,205 Some friends were called to come and watch. And no one had to beg. 225 00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:16,783 It soon became a party. 226 00:11:16,814 --> 00:11:18,632 Barney even got a keg. 227 00:11:18,657 --> 00:11:22,062 Forkful after forkful, Robin guzzled French vanilla 228 00:11:22,075 --> 00:11:24,750 making noises not unlike those made by a gorilla. 229 00:11:24,774 --> 00:11:26,774 - Ooh, ooh, ooh! - Come on, Robin, finish it. 230 00:11:26,794 --> 00:11:28,669 - Yeah. - Mom's exhortations rang 231 00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:32,275 like Apollo coaching Rocky 'gainst a frosted Clubber Lang. 232 00:11:32,319 --> 00:11:35,545 - Oh, Rocky IV, my favorite. - No, no, IV is with the Russians. 233 00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:38,824 No, IV's the one where he talks weird because of his concussions. 234 00:11:38,848 --> 00:11:40,153 I think that's all of them. 235 00:11:40,178 --> 00:11:43,166 - Hey now, no need to be discordant. - It's Rocky IV. 236 00:11:43,189 --> 00:11:44,614 - No, III. - No, II. 237 00:11:44,633 --> 00:11:46,623 It's really not important. 238 00:11:47,063 --> 00:11:51,936 At last young Robin raised the final bite up to her lips the crowd grew still. 239 00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:54,758 The only sound was Barney eating chips. 240 00:11:57,894 --> 00:11:59,113 Just one bite left. 241 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:02,158 Hey, this is like that scene from Cool Hand Luke. You know, 242 00:12:02,171 --> 00:12:03,946 "My boy can eat 50 eggs " Right? 243 00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:05,524 She's gonna puke. 244 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:10,407 But Robin did not puke. She ate that bite and stood up, proud. 245 00:12:13,806 --> 00:12:15,609 Wait. I'm not done yet. 246 00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,734 She shouted, to the startled crowd. 247 00:12:17,757 --> 00:12:19,820 I've bested this here wedding cake. 248 00:12:19,850 --> 00:12:21,720 I'll gladly wear that crown. 249 00:12:21,738 --> 00:12:25,240 But now that I have done that task it's time to wash it down. 250 00:12:25,261 --> 00:12:29,724 For it's been such an awesome night, there's just one way to cap it. 251 00:12:30,454 --> 00:12:32,821 I'm going to drink this entire keg. 252 00:12:33,055 --> 00:12:34,943 Okay, Barney, tap it. 253 00:12:34,961 --> 00:12:36,634 - Oh! - Wow. 254 00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,146 - Hup. - Ho-o, oh. 255 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:43,634 And now that night's remembered not for Robin getting dumped 256 00:12:43,659 --> 00:12:47,247 but as the night we took her in to get her stomach pumped. 257 00:12:47,708 --> 00:12:51,866 And look at that, the little angel's sleeping soundly, Gus. 258 00:12:51,908 --> 00:12:54,058 - Looks like our problems... - Pick a lane! 259 00:12:55,332 --> 00:12:57,675 I hate this stupid bus. 260 00:13:01,504 --> 00:13:04,933 Marvin, I'm afraid this night is not much of a winner. 261 00:13:04,953 --> 00:13:08,553 Stuck in traffic, now we've missed the whole rehearsal dinner. 262 00:13:08,568 --> 00:13:11,424 I pray that I was right and that you'll have no memory 263 00:13:11,455 --> 00:13:15,074 of this godforsaken ride down the congested LIE. 264 00:13:15,101 --> 00:13:18,626 At least we know one thing for sure: things can't get worse, I swear. 265 00:13:18,647 --> 00:13:21,023 Adios, truck stop burrito. Ooh! 266 00:13:21,048 --> 00:13:22,721 Do not go in there. 267 00:13:23,262 --> 00:13:26,903 Okay, one more story, and I'll try to tell it pretty. 268 00:13:26,938 --> 00:13:31,271 The tale of Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City. 269 00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:39,398 Once upon a time, we all went out to get our drink on. 270 00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:43,293 When who should walk in but a girl with sweater tight and pink on. 271 00:13:43,318 --> 00:13:46,527 She ordered up a beer. I think you see where this is going. 272 00:13:46,548 --> 00:13:48,848 As Barney put it, oh so eloquently: 273 00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,447 Boy-oy-oy-oing. 274 00:13:50,729 --> 00:13:54,171 He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue 275 00:13:54,193 --> 00:13:55,612 when Mommy interrupted: 276 00:13:55,639 --> 00:13:57,904 Dude, she's way out of your league. 277 00:13:57,985 --> 00:14:01,547 She's not in Daisy Dukes, nor squeezed into a Hooters tee. 278 00:14:01,583 --> 00:14:05,175 And I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key. 279 00:14:05,221 --> 00:14:09,676 She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. 280 00:14:09,698 --> 00:14:14,000 She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. 281 00:14:14,025 --> 00:14:16,560 Her makeup isn't running, she's not playing with her hair. 282 00:14:16,579 --> 00:14:19,946 There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere. 283 00:14:19,967 --> 00:14:22,154 Your challenge is accepted, Lil. 284 00:14:22,179 --> 00:14:25,873 There is no girl too pretty, for I am Barney Stinson, 285 00:14:25,892 --> 00:14:28,396 Player King of New York City. 286 00:14:28,415 --> 00:14:32,607 You can't anoint yourself the king, just like that jerk, LeBron. 287 00:14:32,627 --> 00:14:34,828 He left the Cavs three years ago. 288 00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:36,911 Bro, give it up, move on. 289 00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:38,853 So why am I king? Glad you asked. 290 00:14:38,890 --> 00:14:40,091 - We didn't. - Never do. 291 00:14:40,103 --> 00:14:41,902 It's origin story time. 292 00:14:41,921 --> 00:14:44,474 And trust me, every word is true. 293 00:14:45,024 --> 00:14:48,319 One morning long ago, I woke up next to a conquest. 294 00:14:48,331 --> 00:14:52,973 So many great things 'bout this girl: her boobs, her rack, her chest. 295 00:14:53,195 --> 00:14:56,858 She had a thirst for action, and young Barney was a-quenchin' it. 296 00:14:56,885 --> 00:14:59,835 - Is this important to the story? - No, just thought I'd mention it. 297 00:15:00,317 --> 00:15:03,635 As I departed, having bid this busty babe buh-bye, 298 00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:05,376 I stopped and looked around, and wondered: 299 00:15:05,401 --> 00:15:06,855 Where the hell am I? 300 00:15:06,866 --> 00:15:10,400 The sign read 22nd Street, and my concern decreased 301 00:15:10,418 --> 00:15:14,406 until a cold wind blew a branch aside, revealing: "East." 302 00:15:14,424 --> 00:15:16,166 The East Side. No. 303 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,581 Wh-What have I done? 304 00:15:17,609 --> 00:15:19,354 I stammered with chagrin. 305 00:15:19,366 --> 00:15:21,287 Just then a black sedan pulled up... 306 00:15:21,312 --> 00:15:22,381 - You Barney? - Yeah. 307 00:15:22,405 --> 00:15:23,611 Get in. 308 00:15:23,644 --> 00:15:25,369 Is any of this true? 309 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,496 Of course. Now, hang on to your "chayers." 310 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,076 For that day I was called before... 311 00:15:31,102 --> 00:15:33,823 the High Council of Players. 312 00:15:33,870 --> 00:15:37,242 Gentlemen, for your attendance here, our deepest thanks. 313 00:15:37,254 --> 00:15:41,406 I'm sad to say, this council has a poacher in its ranks. 314 00:15:41,664 --> 00:15:45,058 For Barney here picked up a girl outside his territory. 315 00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:48,568 The East Side is Tuxedo Charlie's turf. He's mad. 316 00:15:48,589 --> 00:15:50,161 True story. 317 00:15:50,369 --> 00:15:53,670 The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define 318 00:15:53,689 --> 00:15:57,013 Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line. 319 00:15:57,058 --> 00:16:01,414 Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in. 320 00:16:01,433 --> 00:16:06,110 So you should know my East Side debutantes are quite verboten. 321 00:16:07,016 --> 00:16:08,547 Members of the council... 322 00:16:08,563 --> 00:16:11,194 Bros... nobody wants a war. 323 00:16:11,242 --> 00:16:14,180 Of course I've not forgotten the agreement of '04. 324 00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:16,032 What can I say? A bonehead move. 325 00:16:16,049 --> 00:16:17,838 Defend it? I'm not able. 326 00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:22,626 But, bros, have I not been a bro to each bro at this table? 327 00:16:22,655 --> 00:16:26,336 My friend from Brooklyn, Pickle Jar Bob, will give some validation. 328 00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:29,719 Remember that young tourist who was looking for Penn Station? 329 00:16:29,741 --> 00:16:32,887 She'd just come in from Boston, had a wicked good-in-bed look. 330 00:16:32,917 --> 00:16:36,246 I gave her bad directions and she ended up in Red Hook. 331 00:16:36,316 --> 00:16:38,906 - Shut up, Barney. - Whoa, Bronx Donnie, 332 00:16:38,942 --> 00:16:40,266 let's not get excited. 333 00:16:40,279 --> 00:16:43,661 Tuxedo Charlie's not the only one here who's been slighted. 334 00:16:43,686 --> 00:16:47,150 You told her you were Jeter in your quest to lie upon her. 335 00:16:47,155 --> 00:16:50,860 Impersonating Yankees is my thing. Have you no honor? 336 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:55,239 Gentlemen, please, let's not blow this détente to smithereens. 337 00:16:55,269 --> 00:16:59,075 Council recognizes Captain Bill, our bro from Queens. 338 00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:00,303 Thank you. 339 00:17:00,343 --> 00:17:03,534 You all know me, and you all respect my game. 340 00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:06,569 I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in baggage claim. 341 00:17:07,112 --> 00:17:10,307 And on my long-ass subway ride from 61st and Woodside, 342 00:17:10,324 --> 00:17:13,338 I came up with a plan to keep you each other's good side. 343 00:17:13,477 --> 00:17:15,775 Barney, you have wronged these two. 344 00:17:15,794 --> 00:17:19,142 So, for the game they're losing, you now must grant them each 345 00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:21,340 a West Side hottie of their choosing. 346 00:17:21,365 --> 00:17:24,115 You're kidding. That's the settlement? 347 00:17:24,205 --> 00:17:27,024 - Come on, that's rather silly. - Gentlemen, what say you? 348 00:17:27,052 --> 00:17:29,052 - I want Robin. - I want Lily. 349 00:17:29,076 --> 00:17:33,392 Please. Bronx Donnie? No chance he could get me in the sack. 350 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:36,413 Tell that Mafioso I know something he can whack. 351 00:17:36,444 --> 00:17:39,884 Ladies, don't you worry, your fair legs can all stay closed. 352 00:17:39,912 --> 00:17:43,754 'Cause luckily they took the counteroffer I proposed. 353 00:17:44,366 --> 00:17:47,747 Well, gentlemen, it seems there's nothing I can say to sway you. 354 00:17:47,783 --> 00:17:51,020 Charlie, Donnie, say no more, I gladly will repay you. 355 00:17:51,050 --> 00:17:53,206 Carlotta, some champagne. 356 00:17:53,224 --> 00:17:56,492 Let's toast before we all adjourn. 357 00:17:58,607 --> 00:18:00,226 To boobies. 358 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,602 Oh, and B-T-dub, y'all just drank poison. 359 00:18:05,664 --> 00:18:06,797 Ha-burn. 360 00:18:23,973 --> 00:18:28,518 And thus, my friends, I have become, through methods somewhat gory 361 00:18:28,856 --> 00:18:32,056 the Player King of New York City. Boom. 362 00:18:32,088 --> 00:18:33,557 The end. 363 00:18:34,272 --> 00:18:35,735 True story. 364 00:18:36,162 --> 00:18:39,219 Well, that was great. Your little story tickled all our ribs. 365 00:18:39,246 --> 00:18:43,444 But one mistake you made, sir, was forgetting to call dibs. 366 00:18:44,098 --> 00:18:45,886 No! Not fair. 367 00:18:45,910 --> 00:18:47,211 But I'm the king. 368 00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:50,040 - And such a better dresser. - Sorry, dude, 369 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,531 but that's revenge for Lisa the professor. 370 00:18:55,521 --> 00:18:56,751 Let's have another round. 371 00:18:56,770 --> 00:18:58,201 - Yes. - Your mommy said. 372 00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,655 And so we had one. 373 00:18:59,673 --> 00:19:02,336 The night wore on, and I must say, 374 00:19:02,364 --> 00:19:04,277 it wasn't a half bad one. 375 00:19:04,301 --> 00:19:08,733 What memories. Our young and happy hearts were hot as fire. 376 00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:12,297 Feels like a lifetime since those days. 377 00:19:15,190 --> 00:19:16,981 Sorry, folks, flat tire. 378 00:19:17,279 --> 00:19:20,987 Oh, come on. Now I'm never gonna make it to Nantucket. 379 00:19:28,951 --> 00:19:32,428 Oh, look a fireworks display. Some rockets red glare action. 380 00:19:32,447 --> 00:19:33,726 Thank God. 381 00:19:33,745 --> 00:19:37,347 Thought my glaucoma drops were causing a reaction. 382 00:19:37,586 --> 00:19:41,705 Marvin, I'm so sorry this whole journey's been a bummer. 383 00:19:41,732 --> 00:19:46,312 Soon you'll be right back in Mommy's arms, as warm as summer. 384 00:19:46,364 --> 00:19:50,420 But sadly while your troubles stop once we get to the inn 385 00:19:50,432 --> 00:19:53,845 the moment we arrive is when my troubles will begin. 386 00:19:54,288 --> 00:19:56,569 Sometimes daddies screw up, 387 00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:58,967 sometimes mommies get upset. 388 00:19:59,187 --> 00:20:02,756 I really hope this weekend is a memory you'll forget. 389 00:20:02,791 --> 00:20:06,529 So look up at those fireworks, enjoy the falling embers... 390 00:20:06,963 --> 00:20:12,617 And that, kids, is the very first thing your cousin Marvin remembers. 391 00:20:15,705 --> 00:20:18,677 Gentlemen and ladies, it'll be an hour or so... 392 00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:22,513 before the truck gets here to give our broken bus a tow. 393 00:20:22,548 --> 00:20:26,267 So in the meantime I suggest we all get nice and cozy. 394 00:20:26,519 --> 00:20:28,963 We're gonna be here for a while. 395 00:20:30,453 --> 00:20:32,533 Uh, ring-around-the-rosy? 396 00:20:32,568 --> 00:20:34,568 Yeah! 397 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:38,309 How far do you suppose it is to the Farhampton Inn? 398 00:20:38,336 --> 00:20:40,369 I'd say about five miles away. 399 00:20:41,086 --> 00:20:42,380 Oh, no. 400 00:20:42,405 --> 00:20:43,799 What's with the grin? 401 00:20:43,837 --> 00:20:45,494 Then Marshall looked up heavenward, 402 00:20:45,521 --> 00:20:50,223 and swore by night's first star five simple words he'd soon regret: 403 00:20:50,251 --> 00:20:52,239 I can walk that far. 404 00:20:55,755 --> 00:21:00,755 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man Resync for WEB-DL by Norther