RED vs. BLUE
SEASON ONE
Hey.
Yeah?
You ever wonder why we're here?
It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it.
Why are we here?
I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence or, is
there really a God... watching everything? You know, with a plan
for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
...
What? I meant why are we out here, in this canyon?
Oh, uh... yeah.
What was all that stuff about God?
Uh... hm? Nothing.
You wanna talk about it?
No
You sure?
Yeah.
Seriously though, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's
just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out.
Mhm.
And the only reason that we set up a red base here,
is because they have a blue base over there.
And the only reason they have a blue base over
there is because we have a red base here.
Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.
No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our
base, they would have two bases in the
middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do!
What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight
some aliens. Next thing I know Master Chief blows
up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the
middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.
What're they doing?
What?
I said what're they doing now?
God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!
Hey you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at
me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick
Okay, okay look: They're just standing there, and talking, okay?
That's all they're doing. That's all
they ever do, is just stand there and talk.
That's what they were doing last week, that's what they
were doing when you asked me five minutes ago.
So five minutes from now, when you ask me "What're they
doing?" my answer's gonna be "They're still just
talking, and they're still just standing there!"
...What're they talking about?
You know what? I fucking hate you.
Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there
finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight them.
Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.
Ladies! Front and center, on the double!
Fuck
Yes sir!
Hurry up ladies, this ain't no ice cream social!
Ice cream social?
Stop the pillow-talk you two. Anyone want to guess, why I gathered you here, today?
Um, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
That's exactly it, private. War's over. We won.
Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna
hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the
float, and Simmons here, is in charge of CONFETTI
I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
God dammit private, shut your mouth or else I'll
have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!
Oh, I'd do it too.
I know you would Simmons... good man. Couple of things today, ladies:
Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number 1.
Crap, we're getting a rookie.
That's right dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we
received the first part of our shipment from Command.
Lopez... bring up the vehicle.
Shotgun!
Fuck!
May I introduce, our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has
four inch armor plating, maaag buffer suspension, a mounted
machine gunner position, and total seating for three.
Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
Why 'Warthog' sir?
Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.
No, but... why 'Warthog'? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...
Say that again?
I think it looks more like a puma.
What in sam hell is a puma?
Uh... you mean like the shoe company?
No, like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
You're making that up.
I'm telling you, it's a real animal!
Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Yes sir!
Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks.
And what kind of animal has tusks?
A walrus.
Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
What is that thing?
I don't know, but it looks like uh... looks like they got some
kinda car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.
A car? How come they get a car?
What are you complaining about man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
You can't pick up chicks in a tank.
Oh, you know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you.
We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks.
What chicks are we gonna pick up man!? For in.., and secondly, how
are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
Well what kind of car is it?
I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that
before, it looks like a uh... like a big cat of some kind.
...what, like a puma?
Yeah man, there ya go.
So unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name
for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'. How about it Grif?
No sir, no more suggestions.
Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?
That's okay.
Unicorn?
No really, I'm... I'm cool.
Sasquatch?
Leprechaun?
Hey, he doesn't need any help man...
Phoenix!
Huh... Christ.
Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?
Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir!
Hey Grif! Chupathingie, how 'bout that? I like it! Got a ring to it...
Hey that's not exactly what happened.
Yes it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and
then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-
Excuse me uh, sirs.
Sirs?
Ah crap.
I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost
Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?
Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders.
Ain't nobody in charge today.
Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone.
You are such a kiss-ass.
Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should...
"Git in the Warthog, 'nd crush yer head like a tomato-can."
That's the worst impression I've ever heard.
Okay rookie, what's your story?
Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.
Couple things here, rookie. First off, private Donut? I think
somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?
This is the standard issue red.
Yeah, I know. Listen.
Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits.
And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.
Well, he's wearing red armor...
No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.
Well, how do I get a different color armor?
I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.
So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to
the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship"
and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank,
why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
Hey kid.
You're ruining the moment. Shut up.
Oh. Okay. You got it man!
You know what? I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing.
Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.
I just refuse to call him Private Donut!
We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
Absolutely!
We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of Elbow Grease.
Yeah and um, pick up some Headlight Fluid for the Puma too.
The what?
He means the Warthog.
You do know where the store is, right rookie?
What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.
Well, get going then.
Other way.
I knew that. Just, got turned around, that's all.
How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
I say, at least a week.
Elbow Grease, how stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to
base with that Headlight Fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sargeant.
You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick
up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.
Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?
Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.
You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours.
What's the worst that could happen?
Finally, there it is. OH SWEET, THEY SELL TANKS!
Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh...
I've actually got a girl back home.
Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?
No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get
married, but I got shipped out, and... ah, you know how it works.
Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?
I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
No, I think he called her a slut!
I'll tell you what newb, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend
all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.
Great.
See, we've got this General.
Right, the general guy.
Who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases.
So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have
you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag
at attention, just in case he decides to come by.
When is he coming by?
We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.
You want me to stand at attention for a week?
You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important
job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.
What's so important about the flag?
Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?
They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?
Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f...
it's the flag, it's...
Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
Well, it's... it's complicated. Wuh... It's blue, we're blue
It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes
by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.
Right.
So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.
Uh how will I know when I see him?
There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's
gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.
Now get in there, and don't come out!
Man, that guy is dumber than you are.
You mean he's dumber than you are.
Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back.
Uh, mister Church? Sir?
Oh my God, WHAT!? Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!
Sorry about calling your girl a slut...
ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!
Uh-huh huh huh huh
Tucker, are you laughing at me?
Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?
Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I...
I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!
What did I do?
One...
Aw, gimme a break.
TWO!
Fine.
Wow... you got here fast.
Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon.
I'm not sir, what can I do for you?
Finally, someone with a little respect around here.
Yes Sir! I assume you're here because of this...
Wait, is this all you have?
Uh, yes sir, that's it!
Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about Elbow Grease?
Uhhmmmm...
Headlight Fluid?
No, all we have is this flag.
Well, I can't go back empty handed... I guess I'll take that.
Sure... that makes sense. I guess.
Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.
Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad
boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.
Me? I can't drive that thing.
You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?
I ca-I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle.
Don't you know how to drive that?
No! Holy Crap! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!?
Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the General stopped by, and picked up the flag!
Yeah. Okay. Whatever moron! Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here
knows how to drive the damn thing? ...wait a second... what did he just say?
Let me get this straight... you gave this guy our flag.
Is that bad?
Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he comes over, why
don't you just help him blow up the whole God damn base?
There, there he is.
Where... oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.
He must be one smart son of a bitch.
Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?
Oh, shit... Hey Tucker, look at his armor. It's Red.
Oh man, that means it's their Sargeant.
Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defences.
Uh you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing.
Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.
Roger that. Okay, say goodnight Sarge.
Son of a bitch!
Aw crap.
...what?
You're really not very good with that thing, are you.
Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!?
Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarassing.
Alright, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker,
we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.
Right!
Tucker, you ready? Let's go.
There is no way I'm going through that thing.
Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would
they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?
I don't know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?
We already tested the teleporter, remember?
We threw rocks through it!
Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered with black stuff.
Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about
then, you're afraid of a little black stuff.
Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.
Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you.
You wouldn't...
You know, I look at it this way: either A, we go through there, and get the
flag back, or B, we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.
For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people.
Duly noted. Now get in there.
Crap... Alright. One, two...
...Huh, he didn't come out the other side...
Yeeeaaaahhhhh, I've uh, I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.
Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
I still have no idea what you're talking about.
I didn't hear any shots.
I'm telling you, it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam.
Wait a second, that's only three bams.
Bam. Wait a second, we've got a blue guy on the move out there.
Where's he headed?
Oh crap... It... it's Donut. And he's got something...
It looks like...
Simmons. get the Warthog.
Heh, you mean the Puma?
Freeze!
Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me? You coulda hit me, dick!
Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge I know
who ya are We've been spying on you for three weeks now.
I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sargeant, I'm a Private.
Wait a minute you're not the Sargeant!
Yeah, that's what I just said.
Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?
Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!
THREE!
JESUS!
HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?
What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?
How did you get up here ahead of me?
And what's with that black shit on your armor?
Hey. Freeze Sarge!
Would you stop calling me a Sargeant, I'm still just a Private.
The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time.
Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.
I'll take gunner...
...Let's roll...
How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?
Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece.
Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you.
Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this
guy here, he gets promoted to Sargeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they
get this new jeep, and I'm like "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"
Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?
I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sargeant, and then
one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals a flag while we're distracted.
Is this guy a retard?
Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay?
This is the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sargeant. Turns out,
he's just some dumb rookie, who happens to have the same color armor as him.
He got in somehow, just g...
For God's sakes, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?
Woohoo!
Holy-Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!
The jeep followed me back in time!
Ah! Git! The ah! Eeh!
What the hell is going on here?
You know what, I honestly have no idea what's going on.
I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.
How did you get their flag?
I don't know, I just asked for it.
Wait, that worked?
I guess. Is it not supposed to?
I don't know, we, we never even thought to try that.
Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.
Not until someone tells me what the fuck is goi-
There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the
flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there.
Fine...!
Hungh, back to our base, dumbass!
Uh, I know, I just got turned around, that's all.
Oh man, that's not good.
Oh my God that jeep has a really big gun.
Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... Ah, screw it.
Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time...
My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?
You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.
Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?
Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.
Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.
Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V
Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified
personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank.
Let's begin with some driving.
Okay.
Simmons. SIMMONS!
Man, that thing is loud.
WHAT?
Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.
OKAY.
Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.
Now that you've mastered driving the M808V,
let's move on to some of the safety features.
No, no, wait, go back!
Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?
(whispering) Psst, hey, they stopped firing.
Why are you whispering?
(whispering) Uhm... I don't know.
Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.
Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?
Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.
Well at least that was fun.
Hoolyy crap. What in God's name is that thing?
Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.
No they're not, look: they left the jeep. They're gone.
Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but...
alright screw it, let's go get it.
Dude hold still. I don't think it sees us.
Why is it just sitting there?
Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog.
This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence, that
can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.
Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait...
okay that's more a switch than a button...
Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
Wait. On three? Or three and then go?
On three. It's always faster to go on three.
Okay, okay. On three.
Here!
Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.
Ready?
Acquiring target.
I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
One...
Target acquired.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...
Two...
Target locked.
Three!
Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!
Firing main cannon.
Son of a bitch!
SON OF A BITCH!
Son of a bitch!
Firing main cannon.
Dammit!
Firing main cannon.
Hey dude, the jeep blew up.
No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker.
Firing main cannon.
Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the
jeep, and sneak around the back of the rock.
Great plan you idiot!
All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.
Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie!
And he brought tank out to scare off the reds.
What? No way!
Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
New target acquired.
That's not a target. That's Church.
Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!
Target locked.
What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
Firing main cannon.
Uh oh...
What? Oh, son of a bi-
Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!
You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
Auto-fire sequence deactivated.
Tucker! ...Tucker!
Church! It's going to be okay, man.
No. Ah... I'm na, I'm not gonna make it.
Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.
What is it?
I just want you to know, I always hated you.
I always hated you the most.
Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.
Okay. Hierh! Blueah.
What happened?
Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!
Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet.
You are really out of shape.
Fuck... You...
Where's your car?
General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.
Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.
You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?
What the hell?
Holy crap! What the hell is that thing?
That's the tank!
Hey uh, Grif uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?
No, keep that away from me!
Why do you keep firing at the jeep?
Because it's locked on!
Target locked.
Well unlock it.
Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!
Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.
I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.
Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.
Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch
Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sargeant-
Oh my God, Sarge, is that you?
Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.
Sir, this is Simmons.
Hello Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.
Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie
arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base, and now
we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is
dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.
...Am I talkin' to the right base?
Sarge, we, are going, to die here.
Well then hold tight boys. I think I gotta solution to your little 'tank' problem.
Uh oh.
Hey Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.
I can't figure out how to get this thing open!
Night vision engaged.
Rookie, get out now.
Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?
Driver canopy open.
Thank you for using the M808V main battle ta-
Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running.
Man, that was close.
Look at your tank though.
I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... Daaaaiisyyyyyy...
Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!
What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait... who's Sheila?
Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...
Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!
Come in Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?
Okay, that is the last of it, your armor is clean now.
Did you get all the black stuff off?
This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
Hello! Command! We need help.
Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?
I don't know what the technical military term is for it,
but uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!
...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?
No, no no, naw, it-not like that. We need more men to help us.
Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?
Yeah, that got blown up too.
Wow. Sucks to be you.
Yeah, we know.
Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest blue
forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-
Sixteen days!? That's almost two weeks!
Or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours.
I like the 'in an hour' one.
Yeah, me too. Roger that Command, we prefer the quicker solution.
10-4 Blood Gulch, we will contact freelancer
Tex, and have him there post-haste. Command out.
Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.
What's a freelancer?
Freelancers are independant, they're not red or blue. They're
just guns for hire, who'll fight for whoever has the most money.
Like a mercenary.
Right. Or like your mom, when the rent's due.
...oh, that's funny.
Yeah, you didn't think that was too obvious?
No no, no no, that was, that was good.
Tucker... Tuuuckerrr...
Who the hell are you?
I am the ghost of Chuuuurch... and I've come back with a waaarniiing...
You're not Church... Church is blue. You're white.
Rookie, shut up, man. I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?
Yeah, that's definitely him.
Now I gotta start all over again... (ahem)
Tucker... Tuuuckerrr... I've come back with a waaarniiing...
Is it really necessary to do the voice?
Yeah, it's kinda annoying.
Fine. Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the
dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let -
What's the warning?
Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you.
Oh, sorry.
Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here.
You think this is easy? It's not. It's
not like I just, you know just pop in and out whenever
I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.
Sorry.
I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now
I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man...
Okay. Here's the deal.
Is this the warning?
Alright, that's it, I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted.
When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.
Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.
Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on
Sidewinder before they transfered me here to Blood Gulch, right?
No.
Sidewinder, isn't that the ice planet?
Yes.
Cool, what was that like?
Um... it was cold.
That's it? Just cold?
What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made
entirely out of ice. It's really, fuckin', cold.
Would you just let him talk?
Alright, well, one day when I was there,
everything was just like normal. I remember, I was
out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy
was a real good kid, everybody liked him.
Do you think I was a good kid Church?
Tucker, don't get jealous man, just listen to the story, okay? Like I said,
guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitching about the cold...
Man, it's fucking cold.
I hope we get some action.
Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me
all about this girlfriend he had back home.
Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.
And that's when Tex showed up.
Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base
when all of a sudden he just started screaming bloody murder.
Bloody murder! Bloody murder!
The whole thing was over before it even started.
Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled
Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.
Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with
their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
This doesn't seem physically possible!
Eeeeggh, blehhhhh.
Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.
If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?
To tell you I don't know why I'm not dead. Could've killed me at any point.
But maybe it's because Tex and I have run in to each other once before.
Where?
You uh, you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well,
let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married.
Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back.
Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here.
Okay.
I mean it Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it
So, Tex and Church were after the same girl.
I told you his girlfriend was a slut.
And then I thought, you know, we could sneak
around the side while they were hiding behind the
rock, but uh, well that's when the tank showed up
and, shit just started blowin' up. I don't know.
Grif, do you have any Godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?
Ah, I don't know, what like uh, ten, ten twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe?
Uh, yeu, you're gonna kill me now, aren't you.
Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten second
head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya.
Guys, I just want you to know. I'm really, really sorry here, and
Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.
Okay uh, I guess I better get going then.
Hey guys, that's not funny. Somebody could get hurt here.
That's basically it sir, they have five guys over there and a big jeep.
And your flag.
Right, that too.
Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases,
but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here.
I'm scared.
So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see.
Were you in the Special Forces at some point?
Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black
because I got this stuff all over it from th-
Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.
I don't think he likes you.
Thanks.
Where are you going?
Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.
Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter...
So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly
executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it.
Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded
monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges.
Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?
What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you
were buying it at the store, you idiot.
Still, you think there's a shot?
Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.
Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?
Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingie there.
I think that's what's makin' that rattle.
Ah think I'll let you do it.
What the... What was that?
Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?
I thought I saw something for a second.
Hey rookie, tuck the flag somewhere safe until we can figure out what's goin' on.
Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway.
Did you hear that?
Yeah.
(whispering) Hey! What's going on?
What the fuck?
What?
What is that thing?
What thing?
There's something on your head...
What, is it a spider? Get it off!
No, it's not a spider, it's, like a... blue thing.
What, like a blue spider? Get it off!
It's not a spider, calm down. It's some kinda, fuzzy pulsating thing.
That doesn't sound much better than a spider.
Does it hurt?
No...
Maybe we should try to take it off.
Good idea. Go for it.
Me? By "we" I meant "you." Asshole.
Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous.
Son of a bitch!
Son... where'd he go?
Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!
Man... he is really kicking their asses.
How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?
I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.
Sure makes things a lot easier on us.
Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.
It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.
Ya know ya think so? You know, I was gonna say
something but uh, well you know, uh... nuh...
Did Tex get in the base?
Yeah.
Blue team, flag returned.
What the... who said that?
Sorry, that was me. I uh, I guess I had something
stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.
Hey... it's Church.
Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose.
Hey Church, what're you up to?
Caboose, ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay?
How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?
Wh, what? Oh, th, that flag? We've always had that.
Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool?
Hey wait a second... Where's Tex?
I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to
the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease.
Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one
thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?
That Sidewinder is cold!?
Nuhhhh, what was the other one thing I told you?
Not to let him get involved?
Right. And what did you do?
We let him get involved.
And not just a little involved, how involved?
Very, very involved.
Freeze.
Drop your weapon.
Hey buddy.
What.
You really better hope the first one knocks me out.
Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.
He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.
Yeah, yeah hold on one second. What happened here?
W-First Donut's head
exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.
Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.
Yeah sure, oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.
Whatever, noone likes you anyway.
Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead...
Or captured and dead!
Oh, well that's just perfect!
What? What is your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured,
I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your girlfriend?
I never said I hated Tex. I just said that
she was the reason why we never got married.
She?
Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.
Could you put that in a memo, and entitle it "Shit I already know!"
Get on the horn with Command! Well, look who's up.
Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.
Oh great... you broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!
Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!
Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that
showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose
and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick?
And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?
In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.
I should have known... She didn't like me...
Girls, never, like me.
Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
I like me...
I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure
she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?
I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm
definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.
Way, oh, wait oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?
Uh... because she's from Texas.
Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being
so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.
Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half
women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me.
Thanks for nothing, God!
Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of
weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her
armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all
works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.
A.I... What's the A stand for?
Artificial.
...What's the I-
Intelligence.
Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?
Let's move on.
So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer.
But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?
Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just
now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.
Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one.
Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.
So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and
you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.
So, you're a girl, huh?
Just ignore him, that's what I do.
Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya...
Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.
Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?
Aaah, not the face!
Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex.
A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff.
Can't we just have a strategy, or ...mission statement?
I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.
Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."
The way I see it, the reds have absolutely no idea how many
freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two
of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon,
wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base.
Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?
...Oh fuckberries...
Are you okay, Tucker?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Come on Caboose!
Does it hurt?!
No, not at all!
Okay! Here I come!
Does it hurt for real?
Oho, yeah. Big time.
Owwchie.
You lied to me.
Ah, dammit. Lopez. C'm'ere. Do you see something out there?
There's no L in it, it's pronounced both.
That's what I'm saying. Bolth.
Both.
You sound like such an ass the way you say it.
Grif! Quit your yammering and get your kicker up here. Need some help.
Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.
As in... more than one? Uh, maybe we should both go, sir.
Both.
Seriously man, like an ass.
Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the thinktank.
Why don't you both come up. Leave
the prisoner alone. We could just put her on
the honor system, have her guard herself.
Good point sir.
YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up
here, we got just enough time for me to spraypaint
the bullseye on your back... Ah, by bullseye I
of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake.
Yeah... I'll be right up.
Hey Tucker, come in man, are you there? This is Church, it's working. The orange
one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base.
Roger that.
Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker Tucker. Is that, is that Church?
Tell him, that I... I said... for me to say hi?
Whoa wait wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose
was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio.
I said, just keep movin-
I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me
finish talking to Church... No, I'll tell him
you said 'hi' later. No you can't talk to him. How
could you possibly talk to him on my headset?
Oh my God. I can't believe I actually died for this war.
I don't see any...
Uh uh, yep, there's one.
Why is he just standing there?
Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.
They can't see me. I can't see them!
That's because you're facing the rock.
Oh. Right.
Real smooth, dipshit.
They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements
this coordinated since my days on Sidewi... geekagerger!
Sir, are you okay?
Uh, who you talking to, Red, me?
No. I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding.
Hey, what'd I tell you about that?
Oh, uh I, I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, God
damn blues out here. 'tslike I'm so God damn mad, I could spit!
...Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?
Uh, yeah. I guess I did.
Permission to speak freely, sir?
Go ahead.
That's really fucking gross.
Hey Tucker?
What?
I'm having a really good time... with... you.
That's great, Caboose.
Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers.
Would you please go hide behind another rock?
Hey man. What's up yo?
Uh... hey... what's going on out there sir?
What's uh, why, nothin'. Why would you ask if something's wrong?
I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.
Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious
there, ...other red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you.
Sarge, I'm starting to think that-
Ow, geez, the back of my head!
What the hell are you doing!?
Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you.
You're kind of short to be Church.
What? Oh yeah, right. The armor.
Harurgh! What in sam Hell? Where the-Who spit on my visor?
Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay?
I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy, so that
I could sneak in to the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out
in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armor,
that they got from going through the teleporter.
...Okay.
What... that's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?
No, it pretty much all makes sense.
Not even the whole "Church is a ghost" thing?
That didn't do anything for ya?
I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious...
Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy and we'll get outta here.
Harurghk!
What're you doing?
One of the reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex.
Then Church will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends.
Oh, come on, you don't actually believe any of that, do you?
Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends.
Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up
to the teleporter, and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!
What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!
Tucker did it!
(echoing) Hello?
Hello? I said hello?
Hel-o. Is anybody out here?
Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.
What is this place?
Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Uhm...
You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here you are.
Am I dead?
Are you dead, well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.
Are you some kinda Angel?
Aheh heh heh... am I an angel..
Uh, yeah, actually, I am, I'm an Angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven?
'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.
Well I uh, I didn't really bring any, I mean, my wallet's back in the car.
Hey you don't have it there, huh? Well uh, that's too bad.
Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.
I don't remember dyin'
Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your
body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.
Hold on a second, that ain't fair.
Not fair? Yeah, join the fricking club. I got shot by my own tank.
Target locked.
Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't
say you could talk to me yet. Go there and get, go, get, go for the base. Shoo, shoo!
Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!
Who is that? Who's there?
Looks like your guys are trying to save you.
You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!
That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!
He can't hear you.
Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else.
If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.
...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.
I'm leaving.
I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.
Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?
I thought they didn't like me.
Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and
here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.
Hold on, if you're an Angel, how come you ain't got no wings?
Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh.
Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?
Oh I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him.
I never even told him, he was my son.
No way, the orange guy is your son?
Naw, I just wanted to screw with him one last time.
But now I'll never get that chance.
He's breathing! We saved Sarge!
I'm what?
He's what?
Well I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.
What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!
Thanks for your help, wingless Angel fella! Will I remember any of this?
Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!
There. What... what happened here?
Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.
I always believed in you, Simmons.
Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank sir.
He did all the work.
Grif?
Yes sir.
Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet
wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.
You're welcome, sir.
I mean it's all so damn inconsistent. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera?
Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got
the blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!
Uh... hey Donut?
What?
Um, about your armor...
What about it?
How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um...
Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?
It's pink. Your armor is fricking pink!
Yeah, that's it. Pink.
Pink, my armor's not pink.
Pink.
Yeah, definitely pink.
You guys are colorblind. Why would they give me pink armor?
Hey, donask, dontell.
Heh, that's not funny.
It's a little funny.
Look at it, it's not pink. It's like uh... a lightish red.
Guess what: they already have a color for lightish red.
You know what it's called? Pink.
I hate you guys.
Well hello, dirtbags... and a fine hello to you, madam.
It's light red.
Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie.
Do you have a package for me?
Yessir.
Excellent.
They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.
Speech unit?
Here you go.
Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules
when I first started building Lopez, but once I
get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone
intelligent to talk to... No offense, Simmons.
Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant sir.
Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?
Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?
I just thought he was a really quiet guy.
And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention.
Well I, I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd...
Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.
Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.
How come?
Because static could damage the card.
Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets.
And I suppose pop rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!
Yow!
Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.
Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.
It's not pink, it's lightish red!
Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?
Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.
Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know uh, you didn't do anything.
I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you
over the sound of your constant team-killing.
Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah
aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.
So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?
Right. That was a grenade.
And the last thing I remember, is a loud bang, and then Simmons fainting...
Ha! Told you so!
I did not faint.
Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!
Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de
modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres...
Am I the only one not understanding any of this?
Me llamo es Lopez.
Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that.
I can speak Spanish!
Lopez. Speak, English.
Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español.
Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.
Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.
Seriously dude. For the last time. Not pink.
Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.
Negativo.
Well this is just dandy. Lopez. How, do, we, fix, your, speech, u, -nit?
Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine.
Maybe you should try listening slower.
Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?
Sí señor. Gracias.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.
I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?
Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.
You know, I don't really see how not killing
somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.
Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.
No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!
Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?
What about you?
We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!
Well yeah, but...
Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point.
I did help them get the flag back.
Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor. We could have just
let you rot in the red army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us.
Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing.
As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?
I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.
...okay.
Wait, you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you.
Entonces la décias "tu nos pesos más, yo peso más."
Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la
escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande.
Después de eso me llamarían Lopez la Pesado.
Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we
can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?
What're you asking me for?
Well you know, because you're of uh, a Latino persuasion.
Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch Irish.
But I thought-
What.
Eh, never mind.
...I'm from Iowa.
Nobody cares!
Okay, take it easy guys, when I was over at
the red base, I saw that they've already got
their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let
'em see us before we get Sheila back online.
Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going
to turn her over, I mean it's not as if we could just lift!
Oh. She is a very strong lady.
I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher
ground, I'll keep an eye on the red base. If I see anything, I'll let you know.
Great, I'll come with you!
That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose.
Okay. What if I'm really... really...
quiet?
Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?
Ah hah hah, uhh.... good one Church.
Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you.
Uh no.
Caboose, just stay here man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that.
Just watch the red base, and tell us if you see any movement.
So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought.
I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things.
Yeah, but you like it.
Well I think it's important to enjoy what you do.
So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose. You would still do it, right?
Even though you're supposed to be helping us?
Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?
Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.
Hey Tucker!
What!?
What the hell is my body still doing up here?
That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move
around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet.
Alright, well let me rephrase that then. Why
in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?
Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles.
What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?
Well then how about shipping me back home. You
know, let the loved ones pay a little respect.
Well Church, here's your girlfriend. Tex, as one of
Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?
That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!
I am not happy about this.
I have an idea... I have an idea!
Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose, we were just ignoring you.
Since you possessed that red guy, and took control
of him, why don't you just possess your own body?
Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body.
Yes.
Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity.
Yes.
Okay Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that.
I think you are a mean ghost.
Dude, you really stink.
What?
Your body, it stinks.
Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.
Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.
It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for
this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.
Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?
Hey, Church, look, birds! Why are they flying around in circles?
Nuh, God.
Okay, I'll go again. I spy something, that begins with...
Dirt.
Damn! How did you-
Well, because you did rock last time. That's
all that's out here, is rock and dirt.
Yeah, this canyon sucks.
How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?
Not much longer, she said it's going pretty well. The gun's
almost working, and then she'll get it moving again.
Oh, that's just fantastic.
Why would that upset you?
Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna
use it against the reds, and they're all gonna die.
The reds dying is a good thing.
No Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the reds, Tex is outta here.
And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head.
A.I.
Shut up, Caboose. And if I don't get it out before she leaves...
If she leaves you won't ever find her again.
Right.
So what're you gonna do?
I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do.
I have to warn the reds before she fixes the tank.
You're switching sides?
Sorry guys. I don't have much choice.
Church, uh, wha, what happens when the reds out here, to stop
Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us?
I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck guys.
Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?
I tell you what. Kill me. I promise not to come back.
Hey! Look at this!
No.
They have, a girl. They have a girl!
A what?
A girl, a girl! Look, pink armor!
Oh man, how come they get a girl?
Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right?
And that I'm standin' right here?
Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.
And what the hell does that mean?
Nothing!
Wait a second. If Tex heard that, do you think she
heard Church's secret plan to warn the reds about her?
I don't know... but I think I know how to find out.
Hey... Tex! Uh... Did you hear Church's secret plan
to tell the reds that you were fixing the tank?
I don't think she knows...
Hey.
Yeah?
You ever wonder why we're here?
No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.
Keegakergerk!
What? What's wrong with Lopez?
I don't care.
Hey, Lopez, uh... you okay man?
Um... Sure...
Aw, crap. Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila.
I better radio Church and tell him what's going on.
Oh, oh, oh, Tucker please, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, please-
Yes, you can be the one who radios Church.
Thanks man.
Calling Church. Come in Church. This is your
close, personal friend, Private O'Malley.
O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose.
I never said that, you guys did!
Why didn't you correct us?
Because I didn't want to be difficult.
Come in Private Church. Do you copy. Soldier unit Tex
almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified.
Okay. We require verification of your... mission...
ness. (clears throat) How is your progression?
...He says he wants to talk to you.
Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.
Oh shit. We got trouble.
Un tanque... grrrande.
Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language.
What country? We're on an alien planet.
What're you, a Communist?
Son of a bitch!
¡MADRE DE DIOS!
Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people
what's going on through that sniper rifle.
Church is getting mad at us.
Ohhhhh. Well that's a nice change of pace.
Simmons. I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get
ready to take the gunner position when I come by.
Roger that.
I'll uh... I'll stay here.
Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp.
It's vital to our success.
Alright, I'm on board.
Alright, here's the plan-
JUNEBUG!
Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?
Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?
If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.
Uh, hey Simmons? By the way. The ramp is secure.
Target locked.
Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?
That chick in the black armor's back!
What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?
That's the one.
The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?
Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity,
but really dude. It's a whole lot faster just to say pink.
Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this.
Hey Bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!
Man, that girl's got a really good arm.
Aw crap!
Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore!
¡Dios mío, no!
¡Tejas, Tejas!
Uh... where's Lopez going?
To fight the enemy, head on, in hand to hand combat. Mano e mano.
What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said.
But I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the
most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios.
Shouldn't we help him?
Naw... That would just ruin the moment.
Church, is that you? It, it's gone, Church.
The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah...
Crap. Church is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body
to kick our ass. Come on Caboose, let's get back to base.
I told you, my name isn't Caboose...
My name... is... O'Malley...
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