1
00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:04,259
- Nick, we need to talk.
- Winston stays. End of discussion.
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:06,701
No, dude,
I got your Thanksgiving invitation.
3
00:00:06,906 --> 00:00:09,204
[TRUMPET PLAYING & TURKEY GOBBLING]
4
00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:13,005
- Did you make this?
- Absolutely not.
5
00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:16,009
He's announcing Thanksgiving
with his little trumpet.
6
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:19,979
He's announcing the feast.
It's so funny. Ha-ha-ha.
7
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:22,352
We should name that little guy Roger.
8
00:00:22,989 --> 00:00:25,082
When your testicles fell off...
9
00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:29,386
...did you form lady parts or is it
kind of like a Gonzo nose down there?
10
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:31,154
- That's really interesting.
- Yeah.
11
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,491
The thing is my testicles
haven't fallen off.
12
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:38,466
It's just the morning, and my testicles
do this really unique thing of burrowing.
13
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:39,729
When it's cold out.
14
00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:43,734
- You're burning me.
- I gotta be real with you.
15
00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:45,638
- Please.
- I know how a guy can get...
16
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,541
...like, lost in a relationship.
I've been there, dude.
17
00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:52,216
You're snuggling, you're snuggling,
you're snuggling, and then bam!
18
00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:56,321
Next thing you know you're wearing a
jean skirt and tube top with no panties on...
19
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:59,616
...because you said you'd dress up
like each other for Halloween.
20
00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:02,919
But she doesn't dress up like you,
but you still go to the party.
21
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:06,030
I could not be more sorry for you,
but that's not my story.
22
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,358
- Stand up.
- Stand up?
23
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,966
Yeah.
24
00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:10,760
Okay.
25
00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:18,871
Are those Jessica's pajama bottoms?
26
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,843
It's football player pants
for breast cancer awareness.
27
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:28,744
I like the way that they hug my gronk.
28
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:31,515
- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
29
00:01:31,724 --> 00:01:33,589
- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
30
00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:34,782
It's Jess
31
00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:40,297
JESS: Camping on Thanksgiving?
- It might be a crazy idea, but I kind of like it.
32
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,365
I thought you hated camping and nature.
33
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:46,436
You were afraid a fly was gonna fly
in your head and learn all your thoughts.
34
00:01:46,639 --> 00:01:49,574
I am a man,
and men belong in wilderness.
35
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,138
It really means a lot to me.
36
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:55,075
The only thing I care about
is that we're all together...
37
00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:58,374
...and that we can all sit down together
and have a nice dinner.
38
00:01:58,585 --> 00:01:59,813
I 100-percent agree.
39
00:02:00,019 --> 00:02:02,487
- I think everybody's gonna love this idea.
- Me too.
40
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:03,713
- Camping?
- Like animals?
41
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,481
- What the hell?
- Hear him out.
42
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:08,786
Let's face it, our indoor Thanksgivings
haven't been so great.
43
00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:10,792
- Turkey!
- Dead body!
44
00:02:10,997 --> 00:02:13,295
- I'm into your mother.
- This can't be worse.
45
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,491
- Thank you, I got it from here.
- Fine.
46
00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:19,934
This Thanksgiving, I want to honor
the traditions of our forefathers.
47
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:25,669
The mighty pilgrims and Native Americans
who came together in order to survive.
48
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,406
Sure, yeah. The first chapter
in a proud history of cooperation.
49
00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:33,950
It'll be the ultimate test of manhood
and our survival skills.
50
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,281
- It will?
- How's this for a test of manhood?
51
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:39,151
We stay at home, we drink beer,
we watch football.
52
00:02:39,425 --> 00:02:40,653
- Manhood.
- I like that idea.
53
00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:43,124
- Winston, I'm talking about real men.
- Me too.
54
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:46,890
- Men who fend for themselves.
- You're the laziest man I know. Be honest.
55
00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:48,498
Has he ever been on top?
56
00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:51,033
- Real men are on the bottom.
- No, they're not.
57
00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:53,432
Guys, guys, it's Thanksgiving.
58
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,438
We need to be together. Who's in?
59
00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,338
- Come on, guys.
- All right, I'm in.
60
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,206
- What?
- Yes!
61
00:03:01,414 --> 00:03:03,848
My parents were divorced.
They never took me camping.
62
00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:07,052
- I always thought I'd be incredible at it.
- Let's get ready.
63
00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:09,084
WINSTON:
What the hell is on your head, Schmidt?
64
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:10,756
SCHMIDT:
An exact replica of the hat...
65
00:03:10,957 --> 00:03:14,688
...that Viggo Mortensen wore in the movie
Hidalgo, and I knew you'd like it.
66
00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:23,000
- Wow! Nice job, Miller. This spot's beautiful.
NICK: I know.
67
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,364
- Cece!
- Cece's here?
68
00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:27,472
I didn't know she was gonna be here.
69
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:30,507
Yay! I'm so happy you came.
We're all together.
70
00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:32,074
It makes me so excited.
71
00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:35,644
Of course. What could be better
than camping with my ex-boyfriend...
72
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,679
...and his friend I just made out with?
73
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,681
- With whom you just made out.
- Don't.
74
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:42,353
- You know I hate that. Don't.
- Grammar's important.
75
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:43,544
Seriously, don't.
76
00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:46,919
If it gets awkward, I'll come save you.
Happy Thanksgiving!
77
00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:49,051
Yay!
78
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,892
- Hey, what's up, girl?
- Hey, Cece.
79
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,767
[CLEARS THROAT]
80
00:04:02,942 --> 00:04:05,137
Hey, I never, uh, had a chance to ask you...
81
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:07,506
...how'd, um, you guys' date
go the other night?
82
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:09,113
- Oh, with Cece?
- Yeah.
83
00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:12,079
Um... It was... I loved it.
84
00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,411
I mean, it was good. It was cool.
85
00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:16,246
- That's great.
- Yeah.
86
00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:19,614
- Super.
- Super duper.
87
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:21,951
So where are you pitching your tent?
88
00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:23,253
- Over there.
- Oh, yonder?
89
00:04:23,529 --> 00:04:25,019
- Yeah, yeah. Yonder.
- Yeah, sure.
90
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,234
I've been researching on the Internet
for the past 12 hours...
91
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:32,370
...everything there is to know
about the wood. Now I'm a master camper.
92
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:36,201
So if you need any help with anything,
just come to me and ask, okay?
93
00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:38,707
Thanks, man. I don't know anything
about the wood.
94
00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:41,141
- I know everything.
- I'm lost. Is that a tree?
95
00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:44,248
If these trees were skyscrapers,
you'd feel very comfortable.
96
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:47,613
Yeah, I'd be right at home.
Unfortunately there are actual trees.
97
00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,651
- Yeah.
- You're the best. I love the hat.
98
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,383
I'm sorry, is that a solar
cell phone charger?
99
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,919
Yeah, I can't go more than two days
without it.
100
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,595
Wait, hold on. Do you hate camping too?
101
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:02,825
Are you kidding me?
I absolutely hate camping.
102
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:06,028
- Then why are we here?
- Because I didn't get a say.
103
00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:09,605
I never get a say. When I want
to do something, they don't give a hoot.
104
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:12,004
Guess who got free passes
to a pottery seminar!
105
00:05:12,211 --> 00:05:13,542
- Get out of here.
- Winston!
106
00:05:13,746 --> 00:05:16,510
We could've made
the craziest mugs, man.
107
00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:20,677
JESS: Hey, Nick.
- Yeah.
108
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,788
- There's just beer in here.
- Should last us for a few hours.
109
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,151
Where's the food?
Where are all the pies I made?
110
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:31,524
Don't worry, Jess, because
the food is right here.
111
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:34,833
I'm sorry, I don't understand that gesture.
112
00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:37,594
We're gonna be hunting
and foraging for our dinner...
113
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,032
...just like the Indians and the pilgrims.
114
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,105
But you brought beer.
115
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:48,212
You can't forage for beer,
and that's a necessity.
116
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:50,109
So this is Thanksgiving meal?
117
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,715
Ninety-six warm beers?
118
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:54,443
We can do this.
Guys, we've gotten soft...
119
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:56,815
...with our antibiotics
and our sports creams.
120
00:05:57,023 --> 00:06:00,151
Do you think George Washington
had a pet cat?
121
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,658
- No.
- He didn't. He hunted them.
122
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:06,831
- He made milk and butter out of their spoils.
- What? That's terrible.
123
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,193
Washington milked cats?
124
00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:10,892
- Nothing sounds accurate.
- Where did you read this?
125
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:12,969
It's not gonna be easy. It'll be hard.
126
00:06:13,172 --> 00:06:17,836
But we will emerge out of this
better friends and a tribe.
127
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,512
I'm on board. Ha, ha. Going old-school.
128
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,578
- Men. Killing. Hunting.
COACH: Men.
129
00:06:22,782 --> 00:06:24,147
Men! Men! Men!
130
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,477
Oh, my cowman's...!
My cowman's hat.
131
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:28,415
My cowman's hat.
132
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:32,920
Guys, look, I'm as much a man as anybody
here, but this plan is straight-up dookie.
133
00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:36,650
- I need my sweets and I need my parade.
- Yeah, you know what? I'm out too.
134
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:39,423
Guys, guys, guys, look.
135
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:41,326
We're together.
136
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:44,035
We're a family. It's Thanksgiving.
137
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,727
I'm sure Nick has a plan, right?
138
00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:47,030
- Oh, yeah.
- Great.
139
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,003
- We got a plan.
- The man's got a plan.
140
00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:52,666
The wilderness guides right here
detail what plants are safe for eating...
141
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,402
...and what traps we can build.
142
00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:57,014
Unfortunately, I ran out of money,
so I couldn't print...
143
00:06:57,216 --> 00:07:00,379
...the chapters on gutting and skinning.
We'll worry about that when we get there.
144
00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:05,250
Pilgrim rules:
Men, hunters! Women, foragers.
145
00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:08,427
I'm not hunting. The only Hunt I want
is Bonnie or Helen.
146
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:10,687
You know what I'm talking about, Coach.
147
00:07:11,464 --> 00:07:12,453
Nick.
148
00:07:16,068 --> 00:07:19,231
This is perfect.
Primal man in nature, stalking prey.
149
00:07:19,472 --> 00:07:21,303
Who's basically a lady now, Coach?
150
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:23,702
I've seen that tree six times
in 20 minutes.
151
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,911
We're definitely moving in a small circle.
152
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,637
NICK: Here's what I'll do.
I'm gonna clear a path this way.
153
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:31,442
- We will travel northbound, I believe.
- That's south.
154
00:07:31,717 --> 00:07:33,810
That is south?
Then let's travel southbound.
155
00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:36,782
I'm gonna clear a path.
If something's in there and you get injured...
156
00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:39,719
...I promise you I will kill you fast. Ow.
157
00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:42,451
Scat. Scat.
158
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,965
- There's an animal nearby.
- That's a raisin, man.
159
00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:52,137
It's not a raisin. This is scat.
160
00:07:52,338 --> 00:07:53,703
Okay.
161
00:07:54,907 --> 00:07:57,467
[COUGHING]
162
00:07:57,677 --> 00:08:00,237
That's poop for sure. I was right.
In your face, Nick.
163
00:08:00,446 --> 00:08:01,435
- In your face.
- How so?
164
00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:03,615
I don't know, he put a turd in his mouth.
165
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:04,908
- In my face?
- Yeah.
166
00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:07,210
I don't think we should start
eating poop yet.
167
00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:09,182
- Just wait on that.
- Wanna chase it with dirt?
168
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:11,788
- Does anyone have any gum?
- No.
169
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,982
Not that I wanted any in the first place.
170
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:19,659
That's a mighty big hole there.
You trying to catch a refrigerator?
171
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:24,166
It's a bear hole. Bear falls in, other stuff
falls in, we take what the bear doesn't want.
172
00:08:24,370 --> 00:08:26,270
- Makes sense.
- Classic human-bear team-up.
173
00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:29,168
- I'm from Chicago. Best I can do.
- Bears love to share.
174
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:31,502
What will you do with that bear
in the hole?
175
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:34,271
Dude, I'm trying the best that I can.
We have no food.
176
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,277
Let me explain something to you, Nick.
177
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,609
When you build a trap,
customize it to your prey.
178
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:41,946
So, I don't know, if I was trying
to catch, say, a squirrel...
179
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,122
...I'd want to think like a squirrel.
180
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:47,918
- I'll demonstrate with this trap I built.
- How do you get in the mind of a squirrel?
181
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:49,321
[CHITTERING]
182
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,692
- I'm a squirrel, right?
- You do that really well.
183
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:54,958
There's some nuts.
Look at all these nuts.
184
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,691
You might not want to do that.
185
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:58,768
If I needed advice on leading a spin class...
186
00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:01,633
...I'd ask you, but this is my territory.
Agh!
187
00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:03,365
- My scapula!
- Are you all right?
188
00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:05,806
- Hold on.
- Agh! Get it off!
189
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:08,674
[BOTH GROANING]
190
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,742
Get up, keep breathing, man.
191
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:13,817
- I don't mean to laugh. You okay?
- I'll make you a sling.
192
00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:16,648
- What? You don't know how to do that.
- Of course I do.
193
00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:19,381
What? What are you doing?
194
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:22,652
- I was an Eagle Scout.
- What are you talking about?
195
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,590
- Look.
- That's actually really good.
196
00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:26,855
Sorry. You wanted to be
the best at camping.
197
00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:30,330
You were so excited about your hat.
I didn't want to get in the way.
198
00:09:30,536 --> 00:09:34,199
- Plus with the whole Cece thing...
- What are you talking about?
199
00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:38,175
You're gonna let me be the best camper.
I am the best camper.
200
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,605
Yeah...
201
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:43,908
I think this is chicory.
It says you can eat the root.
202
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:47,950
Or it's jasmine, which will kill you. Hmm.
203
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,212
What do you guys think?
204
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,753
- It's fine.
- Just eat it.
205
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:53,585
Hey, raspberries! There are... Ow.
206
00:09:53,793 --> 00:09:56,387
Heh. There are a lot of brambles here.
207
00:09:56,596 --> 00:10:00,032
There's a country store not far from here.
Three and a half stars.
208
00:10:00,232 --> 00:10:03,099
The reviews say it's functional and dusty.
Sounds good to me.
209
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:05,964
This is so fun. Who wants to help?
210
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,572
This plan is officially the worst.
We are starving.
211
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,743
Just admit you don't want
to do this either.
212
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,744
Okay, listen up. Only stuff we could
find in the forest, all right?
213
00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:18,872
Look at that fish.
214
00:10:19,518 --> 00:10:20,951
- It's perfect.
- What?
215
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:24,054
I'm gonna grab it. I'm so hungry.
Now we get to eat, boys.
216
00:10:24,256 --> 00:10:27,123
COACH: Dude, that looks dead.
- Guys, stop being negative right now.
217
00:10:27,326 --> 00:10:29,123
COACH:
Laying on it's side means it's dead.
218
00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:32,388
I wouldn't get in that water, man.
You're gonna get beaver fever.
219
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:34,725
NICK:
Yeah, where are my testicles now, Coach?
220
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:37,698
When he catches that little critter,
I'm gonna show you how to scale it.
221
00:10:37,903 --> 00:10:39,370
- Ss, ss... Ow.
- It hurts?
222
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:42,132
Yeah, it hurts. A boulder fell on my...
223
00:10:42,341 --> 00:10:44,935
COACH: Hey, is all this
because I teased you about the invite?
224
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:47,475
NICK:
Yes, it is. No regrets.
225
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,170
- Oh.
- Aw, come on, Nick.
226
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,441
Agh! Yes!
227
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:55,109
- Quit it.
- You guys might be right. It might be dead.
228
00:10:55,354 --> 00:10:58,187
In fact, it was dead.
229
00:10:58,457 --> 00:11:00,789
Smells fresh enough.
230
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:03,427
Come on, Winston,
did you just get your nails done?
231
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,757
Get the apple dirty. Grind some dirt in it.
Grind some dirt in it.
232
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,125
God, I'm so hungry.
233
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,460
- Hey, hey!
- Hey.
234
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:12,830
- Look what the men brought. Plan worked.
- Oh! Hey.
235
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:15,200
- Looks like a fighter.
- He really was, kind of.
236
00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:17,441
Oh, my God.
237
00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:19,975
JESS: I mean, well...
- It's like a smorgasbord.
238
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,704
- You did great.
- Yup, we did.
239
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:26,351
- Where'd you get the cashews?
- Um, on a bush.
240
00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:28,417
How about the beets?
241
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:30,815
- Also a bush.
- That's right.
242
00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:32,820
The avocado?
243
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:35,893
- Also on a bush.
- That's right.
244
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:39,223
Look at us. Living off the land.
Fending for ourselves.
245
00:11:39,498 --> 00:11:41,466
We got fish and fruits...
246
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:46,195
...and this is probably gonna be the most
delicious apple I've ever eaten in my life.
247
00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:51,703
Product of Oregon?
248
00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:54,342
We walked to Oregon?
249
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,741
- What? That's why this cramp...
- What?
250
00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:59,382
- Yeah.
- You think the three of us are dumbasses?
251
00:11:59,585 --> 00:12:01,849
- We're not.
- I kind of knew from the beginning.
252
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:05,353
- You just went to a store and got all this?
- I think so.
253
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:07,559
They bought everything from the store.
254
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:11,456
The one thing I wanted was for us all
to sit down together and have dinner.
255
00:12:11,697 --> 00:12:14,723
- And you can't do that without dinner.
- We have dinner.
256
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,060
- The fish kind of looks like hippo meat.
- Come on, man.
257
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:21,671
Let's just sit down and eat some delicious
almonds and enjoy ourselves.
258
00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:25,275
- And have a nice Thanksgiving together.
COACH: Come on, man. Let's eat.
259
00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:28,911
I feel like how they must have felt
on the first Thanksgiving.
260
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:31,547
- Betrayed.
- What?
261
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,241
Happy Thanksgiving.
262
00:12:33,452 --> 00:12:35,215
- Nick!
- Come on, Nick.
263
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,116
FYI, the first Thanksgiving
was the good one.
264
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:40,417
WINSTON: Come on, Nick.
These avocados were expensive.
265
00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:45,422
- Here we go.
- Smells so good!
266
00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:48,599
I can't wait till it's ready.
I'm gonna be so stuffed.
267
00:12:49,635 --> 00:12:50,727
Ooh!
268
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:53,598
The eyeball fell off.
That's how you know it's good.
269
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,273
They gotta pop out when it's ready,
I think.
270
00:12:56,475 --> 00:13:00,138
Now that the cards are on the table,
we can see who the camp master is.
271
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:04,112
- Answer's me.
- First one to make a flame wins. Let's do this.
272
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,282
Now, check this out.
273
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:10,922
This is how you make a flame.
You have two rocks. One against the other.
274
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,057
You create friction.
275
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:14,658
- I'm done.
- What?
276
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,385
COACH: I'm done.
- That's barely a flame. It's going out.
277
00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:20,565
Whoa! Goodness gracious.
What are you, a sorcerer?
278
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,157
Damn it.
279
00:13:26,705 --> 00:13:27,933
Hey, Mountain Man.
280
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,965
You wanna come eat
some dirty vegetables?
281
00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:34,943
I should've known beets weren't from
nature. Nothing purple grows in nature.
282
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,547
Look, we didn't come through, okay?
283
00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,148
You came through.
284
00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:44,612
Look, you caught a fish. That's really,
really impressive. How'd you do it?
285
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,588
- With my bare hands.
- No way.
286
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,261
- You're so strong.
- Yeah. Yeah, it was...
287
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:54,024
- What are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything.
288
00:13:54,266 --> 00:13:56,700
I think that's amazing.
You provided for us.
289
00:13:57,970 --> 00:13:59,801
- You're a man.
- Don't patronize me.
290
00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:03,202
- I'm not.
- Ever since we started dating, Jess...
291
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:05,400
...we've been doing a bunch of girly stuff.
292
00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:08,135
And I like some of it and you...
293
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:12,441
...but my tolerance to alcohol has, like,
gotten really scary low.
294
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,779
I drank three beers and I got,
like, all giggly and tired.
295
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,386
And I didn't want a fourth.
296
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,653
Last night, I had a dream
that I was brushing a horse.
297
00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:23,890
I just feel like I'm losing myself a little.
298
00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:27,063
Just let me eat this disgusting fish.
299
00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:29,496
- No. Nick. Nick.
- Just let me be over here.
300
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,330
This is the most beautiful fish
I've ever seen.
301
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,403
- I wouldn't touch it.
- It is.
302
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:37,132
Don't put your hands in... Oh, my...
303
00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:41,202
Spit it out.
304
00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:43,404
Mm.
305
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,844
Mm-mm!
306
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:48,349
Mm.
307
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:49,816
Fragrant. Mm.
308
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,852
I can really...
309
00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:53,682
I can really taste the lake.
310
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,885
- Spit it out.
- I feel like I'm there in the lake with the fish.
311
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,222
Mm.
312
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:00,398
Bony.
313
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:02,861
That's gonna hurt going down.
314
00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:04,966
But I like it.
315
00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:08,503
Hurts so good! Hurts so good!
316
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,369
Jess, that fish was dead when I caught it.
317
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,408
There was a sock near it.
318
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,013
Mm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
319
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,444
- I'm gonna come.
- No.
320
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:20,914
Jess, let me come with you.
321
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,350
There's something over here
I want to look at.
322
00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:27,753
I'm seeing some interesting things.
323
00:15:28,027 --> 00:15:30,427
I'm out of the office till Friday.
324
00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:36,032
For immediate assistance, please call
Deb at extension AC Slater. Mm-ahh.
325
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,995
- You guys see where she went?
- No. Jess?
326
00:15:39,204 --> 00:15:40,796
- Jess!
- Jess!
327
00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:42,030
- Jess!
- Jess!
328
00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:43,868
NICK:
Jess!
329
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,872
Jess!
330
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:49,512
I just want to see more carpet samples
before I make a final decision.
331
00:15:49,748 --> 00:15:51,716
NICK: Jess!
SCHMIDT: Jess!
332
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,509
CECE:
Jess!
333
00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:55,379
NICK:
Jess!
334
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,350
- Jess, where are you?
- Jess!
335
00:15:57,589 --> 00:15:59,454
- Jessica!
NICK: Oh, my God.
336
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:01,352
This is all my fault.
337
00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:04,653
You know what, Coach?
I did like the invitation.
338
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:07,730
I made it and I like the trumpet guy.
I thought he was cute.
339
00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:09,798
- As cute as a damn button.
- What?
340
00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:11,264
[JESS MUTTERING]
341
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:14,769
- Guys, look! There she is.
JESS: There are dogs that have dollar signs.
342
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,442
That don't even own banks.
343
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,908
- Jess, we're over here!
- Wait, wait, wait. I've seen that tree before.
344
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,580
- Jess, stop! The bear trap!
- Aah!
345
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:26,250
- Aah!
- I'm coming!
346
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:27,817
Jess! Agh!
347
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:29,282
[JESS GRUNTS]
348
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,089
Head-first? Why?
349
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,420
Agh, son of a... Agh!
350
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:39,563
Oh, my God, Jess. I am so sorry.
351
00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:43,131
I was an idiot.
This Thanksgiving plan was so stupid.
352
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:45,360
You shouldn't have eaten that fish. Sorry.
353
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:49,132
Don't let them pay the bill, okay?
You bring the check to me.
354
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:50,842
No arguments, moon man.
355
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:52,840
CECE: Oh, my God!
- Is anyone hurt?
356
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:56,343
We're fine. I may have cracked
a few ribs and, uh...
357
00:16:57,182 --> 00:17:00,276
Jess is delirious.
I think she thinks she's a rabbit.
358
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:02,386
Guys, we're gonna figure
something out, all right?
359
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:04,453
NICK:
Just get us a rope or a stick or something.
360
00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:08,023
- All right, man, so any ideas?
- You know what, Coach? Don't humor me.
361
00:17:08,227 --> 00:17:09,694
- What?
- You know what to do.
362
00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:13,353
Look, I admit it. You're a better camper
than I am. You're better at life.
363
00:17:13,632 --> 00:17:16,226
You're probably better
at dating Cece than I am.
364
00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:19,563
Saw you the other night
inhaling each other in front of the loft.
365
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,332
Schmidt, that's all we did. That was it.
366
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:25,065
I asked her to come upstairs.
She said no, okay?
367
00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:28,178
She won't return any of my text messages,
been ignoring me.
368
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:31,383
I'm all like, "Hey." She's like "Mm-hm."
I'm like, "What?"
369
00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:36,182
- Why are you smiling, dude?
- I'm not smiling.
370
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,720
I'm here baring my soul,
and you're smiling.
371
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:42,360
- This is the face I make when I listen.
- Your teeth show when you listen?
372
00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:45,154
- I opened up to you. Stop smiling.
- I'm not.
373
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:46,888
You're crazy.
374
00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,897
- You're nuts.
- Listen. We are gonna solve this right now.
375
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:53,036
All right, take your pants off.
Okay, I am no Eagle Scout...
376
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,466
...but I know how to make a pants rope.
- Pants rope.
377
00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:57,038
- You're a genius!
- Okay.
378
00:17:57,309 --> 00:18:00,437
- Are you gonna take off your pants?
- Right after I take off my bra.
379
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:02,409
- That's gonna happen?
- Just take them off.
380
00:18:02,614 --> 00:18:05,481
Whoa, heh! Look at Winston's leggings...
381
00:18:05,717 --> 00:18:07,685
...with kittens.
- These aren't kittens.
382
00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:09,114
Cannot believe I'm here.
383
00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:11,585
- You're so stupid.
SCHMIDT: Coming off.
384
00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:15,226
CECE:
Here, you guys. Grab hold of the rope.
385
00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:17,190
Okay, you go first, Jess.
386
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:19,523
I'll be right behind you to support you.
387
00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:21,164
Ding, dong. Ding, dong.
388
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:23,926
What are you doing? Okay, how about this?
Get on my back.
389
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:26,637
- Back at you.
- Whoa. Agh.
390
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:27,999
You can do it!
391
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:29,764
Hold this flashlight, buddy.
392
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,636
- Grab hold.
- Pfft.
393
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:32,868
- Come on.
- Here we go.
394
00:18:33,078 --> 00:18:35,638
Oh, God, I'm gonna get you out of here.
395
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,145
[ALL GROANING]
396
00:18:37,349 --> 00:18:38,714
Use your legs, Nick!
397
00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:40,111
[ALL GRUNTING]
398
00:18:40,319 --> 00:18:41,479
- Come on, Nick.
- Pull it.
399
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:42,813
- Come on.
- Come on.
400
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:46,650
- Winston, I hate your leggings.
- Come on. Almost there.
401
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:47,951
- Let's go!
- You got it.
402
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,151
- You've got it!
- Agh!
403
00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:52,091
- You've got it!
- Come on.
404
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:54,999
[ALL GROANING]
405
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,430
[ALL EXHALING]
406
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,501
- You chubby son of a bitch.
- Yeah.
407
00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:00,729
SCHMIDT: Whoo!
- Unh.
408
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:03,601
- You okay, Jess? You all right?
- Yeah!
409
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,470
- Yeah!
- Yeah. Aah!
410
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:07,144
ALL:
Oh!
411
00:19:12,618 --> 00:19:16,076
- Hey.
- Thanks for saving me, Mountain Man.
412
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:20,588
So I've got good news from the doctor.
You don't have rabies.
413
00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:23,454
- Oh?
- You have, uh, giardia.
414
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:26,129
And something called
Legionnaire's Disease.
415
00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:30,232
I'm just glad they were able
to save your foot.
416
00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:32,903
- What?
- Nothing.
417
00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:34,435
Never mind.
418
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,164
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
419
00:19:37,309 --> 00:19:41,109
Hey, I'm sorry
about the whole camping thing.
420
00:19:41,313 --> 00:19:42,712
Oh, no, it's okay.
421
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,816
I was really stupid. I haven't been myself.
422
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,017
You're the man I want.
423
00:19:51,823 --> 00:19:55,486
All you wanted was for everyone
to be together on Thanksgiving, Jess.
424
00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:58,455
Next year.
425
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:04,132
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
426
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:13,541
Listen, Coach.
Uh, in the spirit of Thanksgiving...
427
00:20:13,812 --> 00:20:17,304
...I thought maybe that I could
give you some advice about Cece.
428
00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:20,314
- How desperate do you think I am?
- Probably very desperate.
429
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:22,749
I'm very desperate.
She's giving me nothing.
430
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:26,254
Told her she looks pretty. She said thanks.
What kind of game is that?
431
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:28,722
Look, Coach, things have always
come easy to you.
432
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:31,929
Cece is not going
to be one of those things.
433
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:37,160
I once spent hours in a car
with just a cracked window for air.
434
00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:40,667
She was going to a club
and she just kind of left me there.
435
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,840
Why are you smiling about that?
436
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:47,205
Hey, guys, I figured out a way
to save Thanksgiving. I got a plan.
437
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:50,006
COACH: Enough with the plans.
WINSTON: You are terrible at plans.
438
00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:55,184
Hey. It's still 11:48,
so happy Thanksgiving.
439
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:56,911
- What?
CECE: Ha-ha-ha.
440
00:20:57,122 --> 00:21:00,751
We've got us some Brazilian nuts,
couple string cheeses and snack.
441
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:03,257
- Thank you.
WINSTON: I got the parade on my phone.
442
00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:05,860
- Yes. Heh.
- Made some decorations.
443
00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:09,192
I think this may be a turkey sandwich.
I'm not sure.
444
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,834
- And I know this whole thing isn't...
- It's perfect.
445
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:16,404
Look, guys, start without me because it
might be a few weeks before I can eat again.
446
00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:19,475
- Heh. You were throwing up a lot.
- Ha-ha-ha!
447
00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:23,205
That was scary. Ha-a-ha. Seriously.
448
00:21:23,415 --> 00:21:25,076
- I'm starving. Let's eat.
- Let's eat.
449
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,752
- Nick found all this food in the woods.
- Ha-ha-ha!
450
00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:29,443
- Can I have a ginger ale?
SCHMIDT: Yeah.
451
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:31,850
- Nick found that already opened.
- Ha-ha-ha.
452
00:21:32,057 --> 00:21:34,252
[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Ripped By mstoll