1
00:00:04,165 --> 00:00:07,133
I don't usually meet women
as beautiful as you
2
00:00:07,135 --> 00:00:08,201
at a tech convention.
3
00:00:08,203 --> 00:00:09,419
Aw, that's very sweet.
4
00:00:09,421 --> 00:00:12,489
And you were definitely
the hottest guy there.
5
00:00:12,491 --> 00:00:14,507
(chuckles) Thank you.
Although, to be fair,
6
00:00:14,509 --> 00:00:17,177
being the hottest guy at a tech
convention is kind of like...
7
00:00:17,179 --> 00:00:19,979
well, being the hottest guy
at a tech convention.
8
00:00:19,981 --> 00:00:23,216
Although, once, I saw
Justin Timberlake
9
00:00:23,218 --> 00:00:24,984
at a Microsoft party.
10
00:00:24,986 --> 00:00:27,437
Lady boner! (laughs)
11
00:00:27,439 --> 00:00:31,407
Yes, he did bring sexy back
to Windows 8.
12
00:00:31,409 --> 00:00:33,359
So, you said
you work for Google?
13
00:00:33,361 --> 00:00:35,495
That's right, in the
modeling department.
14
00:00:35,497 --> 00:00:37,163
Oh, that's awesome.
Like graphic rendering
15
00:00:37,165 --> 00:00:38,164
and 3-D imaging?
16
00:00:38,166 --> 00:00:40,066
More like pointing.
17
00:00:40,068 --> 00:00:41,918
"New from Google,
18
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,238
confusing tech crap."
19
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,674
Oh, so you're, like,
a model-model?
20
00:00:47,676 --> 00:00:51,244
Yep. You can't spell
Google without "ogle."
21
00:00:51,246 --> 00:00:53,296
Can you?
22
00:00:53,298 --> 00:00:55,548
No, you can't.
23
00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:58,268
But being a model at tech shows
isn't what I really want to do.
24
00:00:58,270 --> 00:00:59,969
I just do it to
pay the bills.
25
00:00:59,971 --> 00:01:02,021
Oh, I get it.
What's your ultimate goal?
26
00:01:02,023 --> 00:01:03,940
I want to help
teach people to read.
27
00:01:03,942 --> 00:01:07,093
Oh, that's noble.
So, you want to be a teacher.
28
00:01:07,095 --> 00:01:09,612
No, I want to be
the next Vanna White.
29
00:01:09,614 --> 00:01:11,614
(giggles)
30
00:01:12,983 --> 00:01:14,701
Oh, you're serious.
31
00:01:14,703 --> 00:01:17,570
Yeah. I mean, she
has an amazing job,
32
00:01:17,572 --> 00:01:20,623
she wears amazing outfits
and she has amazing hair.
33
00:01:20,625 --> 00:01:23,493
Somebody needs to buy
a new, amazing adjective.
34
00:01:23,495 --> 00:01:26,496
You can't buy adjectives.
35
00:01:26,498 --> 00:01:28,882
You can only buy vowels.
36
00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:30,833
Right.
37
00:01:30,835 --> 00:01:32,451
Only vowels.
38
00:01:32,453 --> 00:01:35,054
Well, I owe you
another drink.
39
00:01:35,056 --> 00:01:37,223
"O." "K."
40
00:01:39,093 --> 00:01:43,646
(under breath): Certainly won't
be any "I" in "U" tonight.
41
00:01:44,665 --> 00:01:46,966
Wow, that girl is gorgeous.
42
00:01:46,968 --> 00:01:48,251
Yeah, she's a model.
43
00:01:48,253 --> 00:01:49,519
We don't really
have a connection.
44
00:01:49,521 --> 00:01:50,653
She's not very bright.
45
00:01:50,655 --> 00:01:52,739
I think she thinks
Silicon Valley is the place
46
00:01:52,741 --> 00:01:54,774
where women go
to get a boob job.
47
00:01:54,776 --> 00:01:57,310
Oh, you want
intellectual stimulation.
48
00:01:57,312 --> 00:01:59,478
Uh, why don't you
watch an episode of Nova
49
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,814
while you're
banging her brains out?
50
00:02:01,816 --> 00:02:04,000
No, I'm gonna go tell her
it's not gonna work out.
51
00:02:04,002 --> 00:02:05,702
Well, if you don't want her,
can I have her?
52
00:02:05,704 --> 00:02:09,539
Oh, sure, let's change shirts.
Maybe she won't notice.
53
00:02:09,541 --> 00:02:10,673
Oh, she's that dumb?
54
00:02:10,675 --> 00:02:11,758
Great.
55
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,543
WOMAN:
Walden!
56
00:02:13,545 --> 00:02:16,095
Look, a seagu...
(screams)
57
00:02:16,097 --> 00:02:17,330
Oh, my God.
58
00:02:17,332 --> 00:02:18,798
Wait.
59
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,050
We didn't switch shirts yet.
60
00:02:22,753 --> 00:02:25,504
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
61
00:02:25,506 --> 00:02:28,021
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
62
00:02:28,024 --> 00:02:32,024
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x09 ♪
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
Original Air Date on December 5, 2013
63
00:02:32,025 --> 00:02:34,025
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*
64
00:02:34,851 --> 00:02:36,234
Hey, what's going on?
65
00:02:36,236 --> 00:02:37,435
I was cleaning out my closet
66
00:02:37,437 --> 00:02:39,404
and I found a box
of Jake's old stuff.
67
00:02:39,406 --> 00:02:41,673
Aw, that's sweet.
68
00:02:41,675 --> 00:02:42,841
Who's Jake?
69
00:02:43,943 --> 00:02:45,961
My son. Y-Your cousin.
70
00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:48,230
Oh, right.
71
00:02:48,232 --> 00:02:50,565
Oh, and how did he die?
72
00:02:52,118 --> 00:02:54,336
Oh, no, h-he's not dead.
He's in the Army.
73
00:02:54,338 --> 00:02:55,670
Huh.
74
00:02:55,672 --> 00:02:57,589
Ah. Nice bong.
75
00:02:57,591 --> 00:03:01,459
Guess he's not
fighting the war on drugs.
76
00:03:01,461 --> 00:03:03,461
No, that-that is
a hummingbird feeder.
77
00:03:03,463 --> 00:03:04,713
He made it in art class.
78
00:03:04,715 --> 00:03:07,349
And in shop class,
I made a train whistle.
79
00:03:07,351 --> 00:03:09,584
(imitates whistle):
Weed, weed!
80
00:03:09,586 --> 00:03:10,936
No, no, seriously.
81
00:03:10,938 --> 00:03:12,470
Uh, one summer,
back in high school,
82
00:03:12,472 --> 00:03:15,106
he and his friends
got into bird watching.
83
00:03:15,108 --> 00:03:18,360
They'd spend all day
out in the woods, and they'd...
84
00:03:18,362 --> 00:03:21,279
they'd come back laughing and...
85
00:03:22,815 --> 00:03:25,367
Oh, God, I'm an idiot.
86
00:03:25,369 --> 00:03:28,102
Don't worry.
All parents are idiots.
87
00:03:28,104 --> 00:03:31,072
My mom used to think I was
locked in the bathroom all day
88
00:03:31,074 --> 00:03:32,707
with an electric toothbrush.
89
00:03:32,709 --> 00:03:34,743
(buzzes)
90
00:03:34,745 --> 00:03:37,445
My first wife was always
using her electric tooth...
91
00:03:37,447 --> 00:03:39,381
God, I am an idiot.
92
00:03:40,416 --> 00:03:43,969
Oh, look at this.
One of his old report cards.
93
00:03:43,971 --> 00:03:47,088
Oh, you can still see where
he tried to change his grades.
94
00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:49,891
Yeah, he changed the C's.
95
00:03:49,893 --> 00:03:51,176
To D's.
96
00:03:51,178 --> 00:03:54,896
Yeah. That was the year
his bus got a little shorter.
97
00:03:54,898 --> 00:03:56,631
But, you know,
in his defense,
98
00:03:56,633 --> 00:03:58,416
his teacher changed
that year, too.
99
00:03:58,418 --> 00:04:00,986
She went from C's to D's.
100
00:04:00,988 --> 00:04:02,354
Is this how you're
spending your night?
101
00:04:02,356 --> 00:04:04,573
Oh, no, no. Later,
I'm going to shave my back.
102
00:04:04,575 --> 00:04:05,857
Oh, actually,
if you're not busy...
103
00:04:05,859 --> 00:04:07,943
I am. And so are you.
104
00:04:07,945 --> 00:04:09,444
I'm gonna get a drink.
Where's Walden?
105
00:04:09,446 --> 00:04:11,646
Oh, he had to take his date
to the hospital.
106
00:04:11,648 --> 00:04:14,666
Ooh, what are they pulling out,
and from where?
107
00:04:14,668 --> 00:04:16,117
No, it-it's nothing like that.
108
00:04:16,119 --> 00:04:19,004
She was looking up at the sky
and she fell off the deck.
109
00:04:19,006 --> 00:04:20,321
High?
No.
110
00:04:20,323 --> 00:04:21,506
Drunk?
No.
111
00:04:21,508 --> 00:04:22,874
Model?
Yeah.
112
00:04:24,710 --> 00:04:26,711
♪ Men. ♪
113
00:04:26,713 --> 00:04:27,963
How you feeling?
114
00:04:27,965 --> 00:04:29,047
I'm all right.
115
00:04:29,049 --> 00:04:31,099
Uh, well, we need
to fill out this paperwork.
116
00:04:31,101 --> 00:04:33,501
So, uh, first name, Nadine.
117
00:04:34,770 --> 00:04:38,356
This is awkward.
I don't know your last name.
118
00:04:38,358 --> 00:04:42,343
It's H-O-R-E.
119
00:04:42,345 --> 00:04:45,864
H-O-R-E.
120
00:04:46,682 --> 00:04:48,516
Like "hooray"?
121
00:04:48,518 --> 00:04:51,236
No, like "whore."
122
00:04:52,521 --> 00:04:54,039
You think I
should change it?
123
00:04:54,041 --> 00:04:55,957
No, be proud.
124
00:04:55,959 --> 00:04:59,744
I'm sure you come from
a long line of... Hores.
125
00:05:00,913 --> 00:05:02,697
Uh, any relatives
I can call?
126
00:05:02,699 --> 00:05:04,332
No, they're
all back east.
127
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:07,218
I'm the only Hore
in Los Angeles.
128
00:05:08,203 --> 00:05:09,971
Agree to disagree.
129
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,174
Emergency contacts.
Okay, so no family.
130
00:05:13,176 --> 00:05:16,227
Uh, friends? Roommates?
131
00:05:16,229 --> 00:05:18,730
Anyone you've gone on
more than one date with?
132
00:05:18,732 --> 00:05:19,948
Not really.
133
00:05:19,950 --> 00:05:21,099
I live alone.
134
00:05:21,101 --> 00:05:23,184
I've only been in L.A.
a couple weeks.
135
00:05:23,186 --> 00:05:25,603
The only men in my
life are you and Frank.
136
00:05:25,605 --> 00:05:27,906
Oh, all right.
How do I get a hold of Frank?
137
00:05:27,908 --> 00:05:29,057
He's a pig.
138
00:05:29,059 --> 00:05:31,026
(chuckles) He's a pig,
you're a Hore.
139
00:05:31,028 --> 00:05:32,560
No one's judging.
140
00:05:32,562 --> 00:05:34,279
No, he's my pet pig.
141
00:05:34,281 --> 00:05:36,614
My little frankfurter.
142
00:05:36,616 --> 00:05:38,283
A pig.
143
00:05:38,285 --> 00:05:40,785
Does he sleep
in a blanket?
144
00:05:40,787 --> 00:05:43,171
Yeah, he totally
hogs the covers.
145
00:05:43,173 --> 00:05:46,741
(laughs) Hogs. Good one.
146
00:05:47,677 --> 00:05:49,511
Never mind.
147
00:05:49,513 --> 00:05:52,047
Uh, what about medications?
148
00:05:52,049 --> 00:05:53,431
Love 'em.
149
00:05:53,433 --> 00:05:56,468
No, I-I think they mean
"are you taking any now?"
150
00:05:56,470 --> 00:06:00,138
Oh, let's see, there's
plaxitril for my depression,
151
00:06:00,140 --> 00:06:01,973
zaxaprin for my anxiety,
152
00:06:01,975 --> 00:06:04,609
dilapamin for my
insomnia, and clodex
153
00:06:04,611 --> 00:06:07,278
for my occasional
bouts of rage.
154
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,115
No one likes
an angry Hore.
155
00:06:15,154 --> 00:06:16,771
(indistinct conversations)
156
00:06:16,773 --> 00:06:19,457
(sighs) Why didn't you tell me
we were going to a gay bar?
157
00:06:19,459 --> 00:06:21,292
'Cause if I told you,
you wouldn't have come.
158
00:06:21,294 --> 00:06:24,496
Yes, I would. I just
would've dressed better.
159
00:06:24,498 --> 00:06:25,780
And just to be clear,
160
00:06:25,782 --> 00:06:27,465
you do know I'm
not gay, right?
161
00:06:27,467 --> 00:06:28,800
I don't think you're gay.
162
00:06:28,802 --> 00:06:31,920
I-I mean, do I know guys
that act less gay
163
00:06:31,922 --> 00:06:34,339
that have sex
with other guys? Sure.
164
00:06:35,257 --> 00:06:36,674
But I know
you're straight.
165
00:06:36,676 --> 00:06:38,760
So, why bring me here?
166
00:06:38,762 --> 00:06:40,095
Look around this room.
167
00:06:40,097 --> 00:06:42,313
See all the women here?
Yeah.
168
00:06:42,315 --> 00:06:44,599
Well, some of them
are gay. Those are mine.
169
00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:47,152
The rest are straight.
170
00:06:47,154 --> 00:06:48,570
Some of those
are mine, too.
171
00:06:48,572 --> 00:06:50,438
And everyone who's left
172
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,941
is gonna be drunk and horny
by the end of the night
173
00:06:52,943 --> 00:06:56,828
and looking for someone who
doesn't think vaginas are yucky.
174
00:06:59,115 --> 00:07:00,982
Oh, oh, you mean me.
175
00:07:00,984 --> 00:07:03,134
(high-pitched):
Yay.
176
00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:04,986
(deeper voice):
I mean, yay.
177
00:07:08,407 --> 00:07:09,991
Okay, be careful.
178
00:07:09,993 --> 00:07:12,010
Mm.
Watch your leg.
179
00:07:12,012 --> 00:07:14,262
You smell so good.
180
00:07:14,264 --> 00:07:16,097
Thank you.
181
00:07:16,099 --> 00:07:19,017
Let's see how you taste.
182
00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:22,003
Okay. All right.
183
00:07:22,005 --> 00:07:23,788
I see the painkillers
have kicked in.
184
00:07:23,790 --> 00:07:25,190
Oh, they sure did.
185
00:07:25,192 --> 00:07:28,393
Right now, you could
do anything to me
186
00:07:28,395 --> 00:07:30,511
and I wouldn't remember.
187
00:07:33,699 --> 00:07:36,317
Did I wink?
'Cause I was trying to wink.
188
00:07:36,319 --> 00:07:39,353
Okay, let's-let's get
you on the couch, huh?
189
00:07:39,355 --> 00:07:42,190
Hey, let's get you on Nadine.
Oh, okay.
190
00:07:42,192 --> 00:07:45,526
All right, fine.
Let's... just rest.
191
00:07:46,829 --> 00:07:50,665
Thank you so much
for taking care of me.
192
00:07:50,667 --> 00:07:52,801
Well, you have a broken leg.
193
00:07:52,803 --> 00:07:55,036
You don't have
any family or friends
194
00:07:55,038 --> 00:07:58,339
and you live on the fourth floor
of a building with no elevator.
195
00:07:58,341 --> 00:08:02,060
So, I couldn't just
leave you on the street.
196
00:08:03,479 --> 00:08:04,929
Could I?
197
00:08:04,931 --> 00:08:06,648
You're handsome.
198
00:08:06,650 --> 00:08:07,816
(grunts)
Yeah.
199
00:08:07,818 --> 00:08:09,734
You're... drooling.
200
00:08:09,736 --> 00:08:12,053
I'm gonna get
you some food.
201
00:08:12,055 --> 00:08:15,657
All right, but I have
certain dietary constrictions.
202
00:08:15,659 --> 00:08:19,160
I don't eat wheat, dairy,
or anything with a face.
203
00:08:19,162 --> 00:08:20,712
Although...
204
00:08:20,714 --> 00:08:23,581
I would make
an exception for you.
205
00:08:27,253 --> 00:08:28,703
So, you're here
with your niece?
206
00:08:28,705 --> 00:08:31,172
Uh, yeah, she just recently
came out of the closet
207
00:08:31,174 --> 00:08:33,925
and she's painfully shy.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
208
00:08:37,563 --> 00:08:40,381
Now, that's what I
call breast-feeding.
209
00:08:42,251 --> 00:08:44,302
She's, uh, still trying
to find her gay legs.
210
00:08:44,304 --> 00:08:48,139
Ah. Well, she's lucky she has
an uncle who's found his.
211
00:08:48,141 --> 00:08:50,358
(sighs) No, I'm straight.
212
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,360
Why does everybody
think I'm gay?
213
00:08:52,362 --> 00:08:54,428
Oh, that is way too tart.
214
00:08:54,430 --> 00:08:56,781
Um, so, Paula,
215
00:08:56,783 --> 00:08:58,483
what do you do?
216
00:08:58,485 --> 00:08:59,901
I'm an investment banker.
217
00:08:59,903 --> 00:09:02,237
Oh, wow. Oh, okay,
maybe you can answer a question
218
00:09:02,239 --> 00:09:03,488
I've always had.
Mm-hmm?
219
00:09:03,490 --> 00:09:05,657
What's the penalty
for early withdrawal?
220
00:09:05,659 --> 00:09:08,076
Well, uh, that depends.
221
00:09:08,078 --> 00:09:10,161
How big is your deposit?
222
00:09:11,747 --> 00:09:14,499
Oh, interest is rising.
223
00:09:14,501 --> 00:09:17,135
You know, the longer
you keep it in,
224
00:09:17,137 --> 00:09:19,387
the bigger your reward.
225
00:09:20,589 --> 00:09:22,123
Sometimes,
the market collapses
226
00:09:22,125 --> 00:09:25,009
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
227
00:09:25,011 --> 00:09:27,295
Uh, wait. Are-are we
doing sexual innuendo
228
00:09:27,297 --> 00:09:29,731
or are you asking for
free financial advice?
229
00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:31,632
Why can't it be both?
230
00:09:32,601 --> 00:09:34,185
You know,
if you're interested,
231
00:09:34,187 --> 00:09:35,970
I've got a Malibu
beach house.
232
00:09:35,972 --> 00:09:39,407
Oh. Well, if you're interested,
I've got very loose morals.
233
00:09:39,409 --> 00:09:40,858
(high-pitched):
Yay.
234
00:09:42,578 --> 00:09:44,862
(deeper):
I mean, yay.
235
00:09:50,485 --> 00:09:53,504
(chuckling):
Wow.
236
00:09:53,506 --> 00:09:55,506
That was amazing.
(laughs)
237
00:09:55,508 --> 00:09:57,709
Uh-huh.
238
00:09:57,711 --> 00:09:59,544
Wait, it wasn't?
'Cause I can do better.
239
00:09:59,546 --> 00:10:01,462
No, you were great.
240
00:10:01,464 --> 00:10:03,047
Oh, thank God,
'cause I can't do better.
241
00:10:03,049 --> 00:10:04,832
Oh.
242
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:07,719
But there is something I
probably should've told you
243
00:10:07,721 --> 00:10:08,836
before we slept together.
244
00:10:08,838 --> 00:10:11,306
Oh, God, husband or herpes?
Uh...
245
00:10:11,308 --> 00:10:14,692
Well, there was
another guy. Paul.
246
00:10:14,694 --> 00:10:17,511
Paul. Paula.
That must have been confusing...
247
00:10:17,513 --> 00:10:20,148
Very, yeah. Um...
248
00:10:20,150 --> 00:10:23,234
You see, for the first
40 years of my life,
249
00:10:23,236 --> 00:10:27,038
I was a man named Paul.
250
00:10:32,461 --> 00:10:34,629
Wow.
251
00:10:36,198 --> 00:10:38,883
You don't look... 40.
252
00:10:38,885 --> 00:10:40,752
♪ Men. ♪
253
00:10:46,263 --> 00:10:49,132
So, so, you were a guy?
With, you know,
254
00:10:49,134 --> 00:10:50,900
an Adam's apple
and facial hair,
255
00:10:50,902 --> 00:10:52,902
and the whole kit
and kaboodle?
256
00:10:53,971 --> 00:10:57,190
Yep, I had a kit
and two kaboodles.
257
00:10:57,192 --> 00:10:58,992
So, so, how did
you get that?
258
00:10:58,994 --> 00:11:01,194
I mean, did you
have to get a donor?
259
00:11:02,363 --> 00:11:03,646
'Cause I've never
seen that box
260
00:11:03,648 --> 00:11:05,198
to check on
a driver's license.
261
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:10,586
Actually, uh, I-I... I
donated my own organ.
262
00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:13,122
You see, what they do, they
take your penis, all right?
263
00:11:13,124 --> 00:11:17,543
They slice it right down the middle...
Oh! La la la la la la la la la.
264
00:11:17,545 --> 00:11:19,662
Okay, I'll-I'll
spare you the details
265
00:11:19,664 --> 00:11:21,514
on what happened
to my balls.
266
00:11:21,516 --> 00:11:25,301
Well, I know
what just happened to mine.
267
00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:27,420
Look, I-I know I should
have told you earlier.
268
00:11:27,422 --> 00:11:30,490
I just didn't want to scare
you away. I really like you.
269
00:11:30,492 --> 00:11:33,509
Oh, and I like you. I mean,
we have a lot in common.
270
00:11:33,511 --> 00:11:35,645
Clearly more than I realized.
271
00:11:35,647 --> 00:11:37,280
Maybe it's best if I go.
272
00:11:37,282 --> 00:11:38,448
Oh, no, no, don't go.
273
00:11:38,450 --> 00:11:39,482
You sure?
274
00:11:39,484 --> 00:11:40,783
Yeah, yeah, no, I like you.
275
00:11:40,785 --> 00:11:43,453
I'm just, I'm trying
to process this whole thing.
276
00:11:43,455 --> 00:11:45,071
I mean, for instance,
277
00:11:45,073 --> 00:11:48,241
there's no chance
it'll grow back, right?
278
00:11:48,243 --> 00:11:49,959
What, like-like a
salamander's tail?
279
00:11:49,961 --> 00:11:51,360
No. Uh-uh.
280
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,663
So one day you're not gonna,
you know, sneeze real hard
281
00:11:53,665 --> 00:11:55,548
and suddenly
I'm dating a dude?
282
00:11:56,667 --> 00:12:00,053
Alan, I am as much a woman
as you've ever dated.
283
00:12:00,055 --> 00:12:03,172
But if you're not okay with this, it's...
No, no, no, you know what?
284
00:12:03,174 --> 00:12:06,225
I am not going to let one
little thing come between us.
285
00:12:06,227 --> 00:12:07,760
Oh, it wasn't little.
286
00:12:08,879 --> 00:12:11,881
Okay, uh, Paula, bit of,
uh, relationship advice?
287
00:12:11,883 --> 00:12:13,516
Uh, no guy likes to hear
288
00:12:13,518 --> 00:12:16,069
that his girlfriend
had a bigger penis than he does.
289
00:12:16,071 --> 00:12:17,987
You're right.
(chuckles)
290
00:12:17,989 --> 00:12:19,355
I'm sorry.
291
00:12:19,357 --> 00:12:21,157
(sneezes)
292
00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:23,359
Sorry.
293
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,081
Gesundheit.
294
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,252
Morning.
Morning.
295
00:12:33,254 --> 00:12:35,888
Oh great, we're
out of bacon.
296
00:12:35,890 --> 00:12:37,290
Whoa.
297
00:12:40,094 --> 00:12:42,578
We're out of naked
Heidi Klum.
298
00:12:44,298 --> 00:12:46,132
Damn.
299
00:12:46,134 --> 00:12:49,552
That's Frank. He belongs
to my date Nadine.
300
00:12:49,554 --> 00:12:50,970
Alan told me about her.
301
00:12:50,972 --> 00:12:53,089
That's the model
you took to the emergency room.
302
00:12:53,091 --> 00:12:56,926
Twice. She calls it our
"special place."
303
00:12:56,928 --> 00:12:58,361
It's the worst date of my life.
304
00:12:58,363 --> 00:13:00,346
Is her mouth broken?
305
00:13:00,348 --> 00:13:01,931
No.
306
00:13:01,933 --> 00:13:03,149
So what's the problem?
307
00:13:03,151 --> 00:13:04,934
The problem is,
we have no connection.
308
00:13:04,936 --> 00:13:06,986
How can I be attracted
to a woman's body
309
00:13:06,988 --> 00:13:08,738
if I'm not attracted
to her mind?
310
00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:11,407
Sounds kind of gay,
but all right.
311
00:13:11,409 --> 00:13:13,543
Hey, Walden.
312
00:13:13,545 --> 00:13:15,745
Jenny.
313
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,382
Zippy.
314
00:13:19,384 --> 00:13:22,301
Just a heads-up, there's a girl
asleep on the couch.
315
00:13:22,303 --> 00:13:25,088
Don't worry,
I know the drill, boss.
316
00:13:25,090 --> 00:13:28,224
Give her 500 bucks,
pat her down for silverware
317
00:13:28,226 --> 00:13:30,292
and throw her in a taxi.
318
00:13:30,294 --> 00:13:31,544
What?
319
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:35,064
Sorry. Charlie flashback.
320
00:13:37,351 --> 00:13:38,451
Morning.
321
00:13:38,453 --> 00:13:40,486
(snorts)
Whoa!
322
00:13:40,488 --> 00:13:42,071
That's a pig.
323
00:13:42,073 --> 00:13:44,306
Whoa! That's a leech.
324
00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:47,810
Long story, crazy night.
325
00:13:47,812 --> 00:13:50,363
(scoffs) Pig or no pig,
not as crazy as mine.
326
00:13:50,365 --> 00:13:52,648
100 bucks says mine beats yours.
327
00:13:52,650 --> 00:13:55,168
I had sex with a woman
who used to be a man.
328
00:13:55,170 --> 00:13:57,753
And we have a winner.
329
00:13:57,755 --> 00:13:59,505
What, really?
330
00:13:59,507 --> 00:14:01,591
I can't believe
that you would...
331
00:14:01,593 --> 00:14:03,659
Well, ah, then again, it's you.
332
00:14:03,661 --> 00:14:05,545
Hey, hey, say what you want,
333
00:14:05,547 --> 00:14:07,563
but she really
knows her way around a man.
334
00:14:07,565 --> 00:14:10,299
It's like climbing Mount Everest
with a really good Sherpa.
335
00:14:10,301 --> 00:14:12,802
Yeah, but you don't
shtup the Sherpa.
336
00:14:14,338 --> 00:14:17,173
How did it work?
Like, where did it... go?
337
00:14:17,175 --> 00:14:18,608
Oh, that's easy.
See, what they do is,
338
00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:19,976
they slice the penis
down the middle...
339
00:14:19,978 --> 00:14:22,562
Oh. La la la la la.
La la la la la.
340
00:14:22,564 --> 00:14:25,331
NADINE:
Walden?
341
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:28,067
Is there somewhere
I can take a bath?
342
00:14:28,069 --> 00:14:30,119
Oh, yeah, upstairs.
Here, I'll help you.
343
00:14:30,121 --> 00:14:31,571
No.
344
00:14:31,573 --> 00:14:33,206
I will never get out of here
345
00:14:33,208 --> 00:14:35,625
if I don't start
to do things on my own.
346
00:14:35,627 --> 00:14:39,045
Unless you don't
want me to leave.
347
00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:41,664
Top of the stairs, on the left.
348
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:44,967
That girl is really messed up.
349
00:14:44,969 --> 00:14:46,302
The only thing wrong with mine
350
00:14:46,304 --> 00:14:48,554
is the occasional
five o'clock shadow.
351
00:14:48,556 --> 00:14:51,057
You know, I've got to say,
Alan, you going out
352
00:14:51,059 --> 00:14:54,427
with a post-op transgendered
person without any judgment--
353
00:14:54,429 --> 00:14:55,511
very enlightened.
354
00:14:55,513 --> 00:14:56,562
Oh, thank you.
355
00:14:56,564 --> 00:14:58,264
And you should see her boobs.
356
00:14:59,382 --> 00:15:03,019
(cell phone chiming)
357
00:15:03,021 --> 00:15:05,938
You're getting a call
from a "Hore?"
358
00:15:08,725 --> 00:15:10,343
Hi, Nadine.
359
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,912
You got... you got it
stuck where?
360
00:15:12,914 --> 00:15:15,998
Don't move, I'll
be right there.
361
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:21,187
Nadine got her boot
caught in the banister.
362
00:15:21,189 --> 00:15:23,089
Excuse me.
363
00:15:23,091 --> 00:15:26,242
NADINE:
Never mind, I got it.
364
00:15:26,244 --> 00:15:30,630
(loud thud)
Oh no.
365
00:15:30,632 --> 00:15:34,000
500 bucks in cab fare,
and he'd be out of this.
366
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:37,470
I can't believe how easily
we agreed on a movie.
367
00:15:37,472 --> 00:15:39,772
I know, men and women aren't
usually on the same page.
368
00:15:39,774 --> 00:15:41,040
Oh, oh, here it is.
369
00:15:41,042 --> 00:15:44,777
Uh, theater three, Julia Roberts
in Hashtag: I Love You.
370
00:15:44,779 --> 00:15:46,929
Listen, I'm gonna get a soda.
Do you want something?
371
00:15:46,931 --> 00:15:49,482
Oh, sure. Uh, oh, let me see
what I'm in the mood for.
372
00:15:49,484 --> 00:15:51,651
Oh, uh, want to split a hot dog?
Mmm.
373
00:15:51,653 --> 00:15:52,702
Oh, I am so sorry.
374
00:15:52,704 --> 00:15:53,602
It's fine.
375
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,604
Hi. Uh, can we have
two Diet Cokes
376
00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:56,956
and a hot dog, please?
377
00:15:56,958 --> 00:15:59,492
Oh, uh...
Don't worry, I got it.
378
00:15:59,494 --> 00:16:02,128
Okay, but
I'm used to paying.
379
00:16:05,716 --> 00:16:07,917
This is...
this is so weird.
380
00:16:07,919 --> 00:16:10,452
Sorry, just, you know, old
habits from when I was Paul.
381
00:16:10,454 --> 00:16:12,555
I-I hope you're
okay with that.
382
00:16:12,557 --> 00:16:14,123
I think it's pretty clear
that I'm willing
383
00:16:14,125 --> 00:16:15,791
to work around things
in this relationship.
384
00:16:15,793 --> 00:16:16,926
Well, I appreciate it,
385
00:16:16,928 --> 00:16:18,427
because I'm having a
great time with you.
386
00:16:18,429 --> 00:16:19,795
Oh, well, so am I.
Mm-hmm?
387
00:16:19,797 --> 00:16:21,564
Uh, but going forward,
you're gonna have to learn
388
00:16:21,566 --> 00:16:24,317
to embrace my masculinity
and, you know, accept the fact
389
00:16:24,319 --> 00:16:27,803
that I'm the-- thank you--
man in this relationship.
390
00:16:28,739 --> 00:16:29,939
Oh, it's chilly in here.
391
00:16:29,941 --> 00:16:32,575
Oh, here. Take my jacket.
392
00:16:32,577 --> 00:16:35,077
Oh. Cozy.
393
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:41,917
(slap, thud, knock)
394
00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:44,954
(slap, thud, knock)
395
00:16:44,956 --> 00:16:48,758
(slap, thud,
knock)
396
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,526
Who's there?
397
00:16:54,715 --> 00:16:57,600
It's just me, silly.
398
00:16:57,602 --> 00:16:59,835
Is everything all right?
399
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,689
You've taken
such good care of me,
400
00:17:03,691 --> 00:17:07,009
I thought it was time for me
401
00:17:07,011 --> 00:17:09,312
to take good care of you.
402
00:17:09,314 --> 00:17:12,681
Oh, that's not necessary.
403
00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:14,016
Why not?
404
00:17:14,018 --> 00:17:15,534
We could play doctor.
405
00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:17,536
Haven't you
seen enough doctors?
406
00:17:17,538 --> 00:17:20,740
Okay, we could play
Pat and Vanna.
407
00:17:20,742 --> 00:17:26,128
The clue is "things
people do naked."
408
00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:28,581
Okay, Nadine, just stop.
409
00:17:28,583 --> 00:17:30,699
What's wrong?
410
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:33,702
(sighs) We're not
gonna sleep together.
411
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,473
Are you saying
412
00:17:37,475 --> 00:17:41,227
that you don't
want any of this?
413
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:49,402
"N," and I'd like
to buy five O's.
414
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,988
Look, we-we just don't click.
415
00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:55,858
I can't believe
you led me on. Ooh.
416
00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:59,078
Led you on? I let you in.
I was trying to help you.
417
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:02,164
Do I look like I need your help?
418
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:08,737
♪ Men. ♪
419
00:18:16,813 --> 00:18:20,099
(phone rings)
420
00:18:20,101 --> 00:18:22,685
Yeah? No, I'm not
doing anything.
421
00:18:22,687 --> 00:18:24,003
Seriously?
422
00:18:24,028 --> 00:18:25,722
I know, I know.
I should say something.
423
00:18:25,723 --> 00:18:26,822
No, no, it's fine.
424
00:18:26,824 --> 00:18:29,058
I'll come over after the movie.
(scoffs)
425
00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:30,409
He should go now.
426
00:18:30,411 --> 00:18:32,111
What's that?
427
00:18:32,113 --> 00:18:33,529
Shh!
Shh!
428
00:18:33,531 --> 00:18:35,448
Just ignore him. People
can only make you angry
429
00:18:35,450 --> 00:18:36,782
with your permission.
430
00:18:36,784 --> 00:18:40,203
Right. But if he opens his mouth
again, I will get the usher.
431
00:18:40,205 --> 00:18:42,622
(chuckles)
I got my review.
432
00:18:42,624 --> 00:18:44,457
Hashtag piece of crap.
433
00:18:44,459 --> 00:18:45,791
Shh!
Shh!
434
00:18:45,793 --> 00:18:47,009
All right, you know
what? That's it.
435
00:18:47,011 --> 00:18:48,678
Oh, wait, oh, no, no, no,
Let me do this.
436
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,013
Alan, Alan, you don't have to do this.
Yes, I do. I'm the man
437
00:18:51,015 --> 00:18:53,466
and this is what a man does.
Now, hold my Jujubes.
438
00:18:55,252 --> 00:18:57,151
Uh, excuse me, sir?
What?
439
00:18:57,152 --> 00:18:59,356
Um, uh, we're all
trying to watch the movie
440
00:18:59,357 --> 00:19:01,590
and I don't know if you
remember what the, uh,
441
00:19:01,592 --> 00:19:03,142
the little cartoon
popcorn bucket said,
442
00:19:03,144 --> 00:19:04,760
but "silence is golden."
443
00:19:04,762 --> 00:19:08,430
Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it?
444
00:19:08,432 --> 00:19:10,032
Uh, well, I
just did it
445
00:19:10,034 --> 00:19:11,984
and it didn't seem
very effective, so...
446
00:19:13,287 --> 00:19:15,788
Go sit down.
447
00:19:15,790 --> 00:19:17,657
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you sit down?
448
00:19:17,659 --> 00:19:19,909
Ow.
What the... What...
449
00:19:19,911 --> 00:19:21,127
I'm sorry.
450
00:19:21,129 --> 00:19:22,611
Don't apologize.
451
00:19:22,613 --> 00:19:26,165
Paula? Hashtag
I love you.
452
00:19:27,134 --> 00:19:30,018
♪ Men. ♪
453
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,389
I thought this relationship
was going somewhere.
454
00:19:33,391 --> 00:19:36,008
Okay, seriously? The only place
this relationship is going
455
00:19:36,010 --> 00:19:37,643
is the emergency room.
456
00:19:37,645 --> 00:19:39,628
I thought this was
something special.
457
00:19:39,630 --> 00:19:42,848
I thought I was going to be
Mrs. Nadine Hore-Schmidt.
458
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,685
Okay, this is crazy.
459
00:19:45,687 --> 00:19:47,853
I mean, we wouldn't have
gotten past the first date
460
00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:50,973
if you hadn't
fallen off my deck.
461
00:19:50,975 --> 00:19:52,241
That's right.
462
00:19:52,243 --> 00:19:53,943
I did fall off your deck.
463
00:19:53,945 --> 00:19:56,579
I'll be sure to mention that
to my lawyer.
464
00:19:56,581 --> 00:19:57,580
Your lawyer?
465
00:19:57,582 --> 00:19:58,948
You heard me.
466
00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:01,250
Perhaps you've seen his picture
on the side of the bus?
467
00:20:01,252 --> 00:20:03,485
You don't get to be
the numero uno accidente lawyer
468
00:20:03,487 --> 00:20:05,121
by accident.
469
00:20:05,123 --> 00:20:06,706
Come on, Frank.
470
00:20:06,708 --> 00:20:09,008
(Frank snorts)
471
00:20:10,927 --> 00:20:12,511
Take care of yourself, Frank.
472
00:20:16,333 --> 00:20:17,717
What's going on?
473
00:20:17,719 --> 00:20:22,722
Oh, Nadine is going to sue me
because I won't sleep with her.
474
00:20:22,724 --> 00:20:24,640
Oh, that's a thing?
475
00:20:24,642 --> 00:20:26,142
Don't tell Alan.
476
00:20:26,144 --> 00:20:27,777
(tires squealing)
477
00:20:27,779 --> 00:20:29,478
(crash)
478
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:31,981
Oh, that can't be.
479
00:20:31,983 --> 00:20:34,183
(cell phone chiming)
480
00:20:39,523 --> 00:20:41,490
Hi, Nadine.
481
00:20:41,492 --> 00:20:44,493
I'll be right there.
482
00:20:45,796 --> 00:20:48,781
Nadine got hit by a bus.
483
00:20:48,783 --> 00:20:51,801
Back to our special place.
484
00:20:51,803 --> 00:20:54,086
♪ Men. ♪
485
00:20:59,357 --> 00:21:01,175
What do you want to watch?
486
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,815
I know someone
wants to watch Babe again.
487
00:21:04,111 --> 00:21:09,111
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*