1
00:00:04,184 --> 00:00:05,463
(belches)
2
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:16,975
(exclaiming)
3
00:00:16,976 --> 00:00:18,677
(school bell ringing)
4
00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,950
(whistle blows)
5
00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,952
(yells)
6
00:00:38,297 --> 00:00:39,531
(playing the blues)
7
00:00:42,802 --> 00:00:44,803
(playing the blues)
8
00:00:49,475 --> 00:00:50,842
(grunts)
9
00:00:52,078 --> 00:00:53,278
(whistle blows)
10
00:01:09,829 --> 00:01:11,096
(cats yowling)
11
00:01:11,130 --> 00:01:12,330
(yelling)
12
00:01:16,502 --> 00:01:17,869
(bell dinging)
13
00:01:17,903 --> 00:01:19,070
(dogs barking)
14
00:01:19,105 --> 00:01:20,739
Merry Christmas!
15
00:01:20,764 --> 00:01:24,764
♪ The Simpsons 25x08 ♪
White Christmas Blues
Original Air Date on December 15, 2013
16
00:01:24,789 --> 00:01:29,789
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
17
00:01:41,246 --> 00:01:43,547
Merry Christmas, movie house!
18
00:01:43,582 --> 00:01:46,317
Merry Christmas, Mr. Mouse!
19
00:01:46,351 --> 00:01:48,018
(screams)
20
00:01:53,358 --> 00:01:55,926
(listless): Hey-hey.
Due to modern sensitivity,
21
00:01:55,961 --> 00:01:58,829
we've been asked to block
any violent images
22
00:01:58,864 --> 00:02:00,731
that appear
in this children's cartoon.
23
00:02:00,765 --> 00:02:02,500
Oh, my God!
24
00:02:02,534 --> 00:02:05,336
I never watched
one of these sober!
25
00:02:05,370 --> 00:02:08,105
I gotta get this bloodbath
off my kids' show!
26
00:02:08,139 --> 00:02:09,607
(grunts)
27
00:02:12,944 --> 00:02:14,345
KRUSTY:
Damn it!
28
00:02:14,379 --> 00:02:16,680
Aw, geez, when did
everything turn to crap?
29
00:02:16,715 --> 00:02:19,984
Bart, don't use language
like that.
30
00:02:21,653 --> 00:02:24,054
MARGE: Man, things sure have
turned to crap.
31
00:02:24,089 --> 00:02:25,523
(Homer humming)
Homer,
32
00:02:25,557 --> 00:02:27,825
you have to take
the Halloween decorations down
33
00:02:27,859 --> 00:02:29,927
before you put
the Christmas ones up.
34
00:02:29,961 --> 00:02:32,963
Marge, to that I say,
boo, humbug.
35
00:02:34,633 --> 00:02:36,567
(hissing)
36
00:02:40,472 --> 00:02:43,107
There's a new Grinch this
holiday season,
37
00:02:43,141 --> 00:02:44,808
and its name
is "global warming."
38
00:02:44,843 --> 00:02:47,845
Meteorologists warn there'll be
no snow this Christmas
39
00:02:47,879 --> 00:02:50,314
anywhere in America,
not even in Alaska,
40
00:02:50,348 --> 00:02:54,118
where the Eskimos now have
a hundred words for "nothing."
41
00:02:54,152 --> 00:02:55,553
Global warming. Huh.
42
00:02:55,587 --> 00:02:58,856
By pure coincidence,
every scientist was right.
43
00:02:58,890 --> 00:03:00,958
But it's not all doom and gloom.
44
00:03:00,992 --> 00:03:03,527
Illegal poachers are having
a field day.
45
00:03:03,562 --> 00:03:05,963
♪ 80 degrees,
water won't freeze ♪
46
00:03:05,997 --> 00:03:08,032
♪ God help us, please,
no one's on skis ♪
47
00:03:08,066 --> 00:03:10,134
♪ Happy, happy, happy,
happy hunting ♪
48
00:03:10,168 --> 00:03:11,302
(owls hooting)
49
00:03:11,336 --> 00:03:13,904
♪ Happy, happy, happy,
happy hunting. ♪
50
00:03:13,939 --> 00:03:15,839
(worried moaning)
51
00:03:18,577 --> 00:03:20,678
(Marge sighs)
52
00:03:20,712 --> 00:03:23,380
Sorry, kids, I guess
the hats and mittens will have
53
00:03:23,415 --> 00:03:24,982
to wait until next year.
54
00:03:25,016 --> 00:03:26,584
Oh!
Oh!
55
00:03:36,895 --> 00:03:38,762
(humming)
56
00:03:43,101 --> 00:03:44,201
Hmm?
57
00:03:44,235 --> 00:03:46,604
Snow?
58
00:03:46,638 --> 00:03:48,672
(laughs) Snow!
59
00:03:48,707 --> 00:03:50,007
(both gasp)
60
00:03:50,041 --> 00:03:52,643
Oh, you know what
this means, kids?
61
00:03:52,677 --> 00:03:53,811
(both gasp)
62
00:03:53,845 --> 00:03:56,914
I don't have
to pick up the dog poops!
63
00:03:56,948 --> 00:03:59,249
(sobbing)
64
00:04:00,285 --> 00:04:02,686
Uh, so you see, the "snow"
65
00:04:02,721 --> 00:04:05,255
is a microclimate aberration
66
00:04:05,290 --> 00:04:08,759
caused by radioactive steam
from the nuclear plant
67
00:04:08,793 --> 00:04:10,961
and, of course,
tire fire particulate.
68
00:04:10,996 --> 00:04:14,198
So, we're the only place
in America with snow,
69
00:04:14,232 --> 00:04:16,834
if you can call it that.
I guess you can.
70
00:04:18,136 --> 00:04:20,938
Don't you idiots see
what this means?!
71
00:04:20,972 --> 00:04:22,906
Idiots? Why do we
reelect this guy?
72
00:04:22,941 --> 00:04:25,809
'Cause his opponent has
a long Slavic name.
73
00:04:25,844 --> 00:04:27,244
(crowd grumbling)
74
00:04:27,278 --> 00:04:29,313
Who want bumper sticker?
75
00:04:29,347 --> 00:04:32,816
People, Springfield is now
the only town in America
76
00:04:32,851 --> 00:04:35,219
that has snow this Christmas.
77
00:04:35,253 --> 00:04:37,821
So tourists are going
to want to come here.
78
00:04:37,856 --> 00:04:39,890
Stay in our hotels!
79
00:04:39,924 --> 00:04:41,258
Slurp our spaghetti.
80
00:04:41,292 --> 00:04:43,961
Die in our hospitals.
(chuckles)
81
00:04:43,995 --> 00:04:47,398
I say we welcome our
winter tourists with open arms,
82
00:04:47,432 --> 00:04:49,166
then gouge the hell out of 'em!
83
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,602
Who? Who will gouge with me?
84
00:04:51,636 --> 00:04:53,270
I, too, will gouge!
85
00:04:53,304 --> 00:04:57,775
Duff Beer is proud to make a
corporate commitment to gouging!
86
00:04:57,809 --> 00:04:59,343
(cheering)
87
00:05:05,450 --> 00:05:07,351
Here come the tourists.
88
00:05:07,385 --> 00:05:10,054
Man your ATMs. Yar.
89
00:05:11,623 --> 00:05:13,290
(both chuckle)
90
00:05:16,995 --> 00:05:18,595
(belches)
91
00:05:23,702 --> 00:05:25,502
Why would a robot need mittens?
92
00:05:25,537 --> 00:05:28,205
Why would a little boy
need an aspirin?
93
00:05:28,239 --> 00:05:29,773
I don't know. (grunts)
94
00:05:29,808 --> 00:05:32,976
The one thing Bongo Comics
are good for.
95
00:05:36,981 --> 00:05:38,515
(groans)
Are you okay, Chief?
96
00:05:38,550 --> 00:05:40,317
(panicky): I'll be fine,
I'll be fine.
97
00:05:40,351 --> 00:05:42,886
God, I bent down to
pick up a piece of candy
98
00:05:42,921 --> 00:05:44,221
and rolled down a hill.
99
00:05:44,255 --> 00:05:45,989
You always think
it's the other guy
100
00:05:46,024 --> 00:05:47,624
that'll turn into
a giant snowball.
101
00:05:47,659 --> 00:05:48,826
Never you.
102
00:05:48,860 --> 00:05:50,894
Have you seen Lou?
103
00:05:50,929 --> 00:05:53,030
LOU:
There's snow in my lungs!
104
00:05:53,064 --> 00:05:54,898
Lot of attitude
in that hand, Lou.
105
00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:56,633
Lot of attitude.
106
00:05:56,668 --> 00:05:58,368
(horns honking, Marge groans)
107
00:05:58,403 --> 00:06:00,904
Look at all these out-of-state
license plates.
108
00:06:00,939 --> 00:06:02,673
"First in Freeways,"
109
00:06:02,707 --> 00:06:04,041
"The 'Yuh-Huh' State,"
110
00:06:04,075 --> 00:06:05,843
"Jewel of the Fracking Belt"?
111
00:06:05,877 --> 00:06:07,745
"Still a British Colony
at Heart,"
112
00:06:07,779 --> 00:06:09,747
"Land of Many Water Snakes"?
113
00:06:09,781 --> 00:06:11,048
(Marge groaning)
114
00:06:11,082 --> 00:06:13,751
Valet parking,
five dollars.
115
00:06:13,785 --> 00:06:15,652
(tires screeching, horn honks)
116
00:06:15,687 --> 00:06:17,287
Oh...
117
00:06:19,057 --> 00:06:20,991
(gasps)
118
00:06:21,025 --> 00:06:23,861
People, I'm completely out
of milk!
119
00:06:23,895 --> 00:06:26,363
I do have several DVDs
of the movie Milk,
120
00:06:26,397 --> 00:06:30,300
an inspiring return to form
for director Gus Van Sant.
121
00:06:30,335 --> 00:06:32,503
Uh, do you have Life of Pi?
122
00:06:32,537 --> 00:06:36,907
No, but I have some home movies
of me on a canoe with a big dog.
123
00:06:36,941 --> 00:06:39,810
People who have never seen
a movie say it is a good movie.
124
00:06:48,586 --> 00:06:51,088
Mmm?
125
00:06:51,122 --> 00:06:52,389
(sighs)
126
00:06:53,491 --> 00:06:55,626
We can't afford Christmas.
127
00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:57,361
And when you can't afford
Christmas,
128
00:06:57,395 --> 00:06:59,429
you've failed as a family.
129
00:06:59,464 --> 00:07:01,799
(voice breaks): That's what
all the big stores say.
130
00:07:03,134 --> 00:07:04,401
Excuse me, ma'am.
131
00:07:04,435 --> 00:07:06,570
I'm so sorry
to bother you,
132
00:07:06,604 --> 00:07:09,273
but my kids are exhausted
and the town is sold out.
133
00:07:09,307 --> 00:07:12,309
Is there any chance you'd
have a spare room for us?
134
00:07:12,343 --> 00:07:14,711
Well, there's a rec room
off the kitchen,
135
00:07:14,746 --> 00:07:17,381
but sometimes it's there
and sometimes it isn't.
136
00:07:17,415 --> 00:07:20,117
Our house is very odd that way.
137
00:07:20,151 --> 00:07:22,953
Please? Please, ma'am?
We'd pay you $300 a night.
138
00:07:22,987 --> 00:07:25,956
Well, you seem
like a nice, pushy stranger.
139
00:07:25,990 --> 00:07:27,791
Ma'am, because we
talk this way,
140
00:07:27,826 --> 00:07:29,326
people always think
that we're, um...
141
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:30,761
Uh, what is that word, honey?
142
00:07:30,795 --> 00:07:31,895
Passive-aggressive.
143
00:07:31,930 --> 00:07:33,497
Right, right, but we're not.
144
00:07:33,531 --> 00:07:36,800
Please, please take our
money and everybody wins.
145
00:07:40,505 --> 00:07:42,206
(Homer humming)
146
00:07:44,442 --> 00:07:45,576
Hmm?
147
00:07:45,610 --> 00:07:48,645
Oh, good.
Marge remarried after I died.
148
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,480
Wait a minute. I'm not dead.
149
00:07:50,515 --> 00:07:51,748
What's going on?!
150
00:07:51,783 --> 00:07:53,851
These are
our new boarders.
151
00:07:53,885 --> 00:07:56,486
Uh-uh. No way.
I'm not sharing my bed
152
00:07:56,521 --> 00:07:58,255
with anybody except you.
153
00:07:58,289 --> 00:07:59,823
And maybe that guy.
Lincoln-style.
154
00:07:59,858 --> 00:08:01,325
But that's it.
155
00:08:01,359 --> 00:08:03,160
This is a great thing.
156
00:08:03,194 --> 00:08:05,095
We're helping people
celebrate Christmas,
157
00:08:05,129 --> 00:08:07,664
and we'll be able
to afford Christmas.
158
00:08:07,699 --> 00:08:09,933
Oh, I don't know.
It won't seem like Christmas
159
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:13,604
without opening up a giant
credit card bill in January.
160
00:08:13,638 --> 00:08:14,972
Take a look at this.
161
00:08:15,006 --> 00:08:16,974
HOMER:
What the...?
162
00:08:17,008 --> 00:08:19,810
"The Simpson Bed and Breakfast"?
(chuckles)
163
00:08:19,844 --> 00:08:23,013
I always wanted to stay
in a place like this.
164
00:08:23,047 --> 00:08:25,148
But Christmas is
a special time.
165
00:08:25,183 --> 00:08:27,217
And I like to spend it
in the warm embrace
166
00:08:27,252 --> 00:08:29,119
of watching football.
167
00:08:29,153 --> 00:08:31,121
Homer Simpson,
ask yourself,
168
00:08:31,155 --> 00:08:33,957
W.W.B.J.D.?
Huh?
169
00:08:33,992 --> 00:08:35,492
What would Baby Jesus do?
170
00:08:37,262 --> 00:08:39,463
(The Beach Boys'
"Merry Christmas, Baby" begins)
171
00:08:39,497 --> 00:08:42,799
♪ My baby she told me
she don't want to hold me ♪
172
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:46,069
♪ And kiss my lips anymore
173
00:08:46,104 --> 00:08:48,805
♪ She's gonna leave me
174
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,440
♪ And she don't believe me
175
00:08:50,475 --> 00:08:53,977
♪ That I'll be true now
176
00:08:54,012 --> 00:08:55,946
♪ Well, maybe
she don't love me ♪
177
00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:57,714
♪ And is not thinkin' of me
178
00:08:57,749 --> 00:08:59,917
♪ But why'd she do it
this time of year? ♪
179
00:08:59,951 --> 00:09:01,718
♪ Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
180
00:09:01,753 --> 00:09:05,255
♪ She knows that I'll miss her
and I'll want to kiss her ♪
181
00:09:05,290 --> 00:09:08,992
♪ If just for Christmas
182
00:09:09,027 --> 00:09:10,861
♪ Merry Christmas...
183
00:09:10,895 --> 00:09:14,431
Well, this crazy scheme is
the kind of impulsive behavior
184
00:09:14,465 --> 00:09:16,700
I want to encourage in you.
185
00:09:16,734 --> 00:09:19,603
Mmm... I'm in! 100%!
186
00:09:19,637 --> 00:09:21,104
Oh, thank you.
187
00:09:21,139 --> 00:09:23,106
Now, Homie,
table three needs more bread.
188
00:09:23,141 --> 00:09:25,008
I'm on a break.
(groans)
189
00:09:32,816 --> 00:09:34,817
(groaning)
190
00:09:38,222 --> 00:09:39,789
(groans)
191
00:10:00,311 --> 00:10:02,145
Welcome to our day care center.
192
00:10:02,179 --> 00:10:05,315
All girls, please move
to cootie quarantine.
193
00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:07,717
We've got a two-month-old.
194
00:10:07,751 --> 00:10:09,552
Are you sure
you can handle her?
195
00:10:09,587 --> 00:10:11,354
Just don't lose
this claim ticket.
196
00:10:11,388 --> 00:10:13,523
That church doesn't
look very inspiring.
197
00:10:13,557 --> 00:10:15,525
What a bland marquee.
198
00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:17,559
It doesn't look very inviting.
(indistinct chatter)
199
00:10:19,196 --> 00:10:21,564
This whole crowd's gonna be
at my sermon today.
200
00:10:21,599 --> 00:10:24,400
Darling, did St. Paul
worry about the crowds?
201
00:10:24,435 --> 00:10:27,170
Oh, he wrote letters.
Any fool can write letters.
202
00:10:27,204 --> 00:10:28,438
(sighs)
203
00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:36,713
Lord, I'm just
a small-town minister.
204
00:10:36,747 --> 00:10:38,681
We don't have Mormon money.
205
00:10:38,716 --> 00:10:41,851
But if you could see your way
to guiding my fingers
206
00:10:41,885 --> 00:10:44,253
as I type this sermon...
207
00:10:47,791 --> 00:10:49,425
Oh, yeah.
208
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:51,894
Oh, this is black-church good.
209
00:10:58,469 --> 00:11:00,069
My friends...
210
00:11:00,104 --> 00:11:01,738
(feedback drones,
congregation groaning)
211
00:11:01,772 --> 00:11:03,840
When he starts with
"my friends," it's always bad.
212
00:11:03,874 --> 00:11:05,875
(sighs)
Friends, every year,
213
00:11:05,909 --> 00:11:09,345
I tell you this holiday
is about the birth of our Lord,
214
00:11:09,380 --> 00:11:12,515
not singing Santas
and full stockings.
215
00:11:12,549 --> 00:11:14,283
(all murmuring)
216
00:11:14,318 --> 00:11:15,385
You're losing us!
217
00:11:15,419 --> 00:11:16,753
Christmas is not about
218
00:11:16,787 --> 00:11:18,187
what happened in a manger
219
00:11:18,222 --> 00:11:20,223
some 2,000 years ago.
220
00:11:20,257 --> 00:11:23,860
It is about
what you do for others now.
221
00:11:23,894 --> 00:11:25,161
Oh!
(all murmuring)
222
00:11:27,264 --> 00:11:28,364
Get my the church bulletin.
223
00:11:28,399 --> 00:11:29,699
Lovejoy's on fire.
224
00:11:29,733 --> 00:11:33,102
Christmas is the Holy Spirit.
225
00:11:33,137 --> 00:11:35,872
Ooh, I didn't know
there were doves in there.
226
00:11:35,906 --> 00:11:37,407
Give with your hearts!
227
00:11:37,441 --> 00:11:39,208
Give with your acts!
228
00:11:39,243 --> 00:11:40,443
And you will know
229
00:11:40,477 --> 00:11:43,446
the true meaning of Christmas.
230
00:11:45,149 --> 00:11:47,116
(congregation gasping)
231
00:11:47,151 --> 00:11:49,118
(oohing and aahing)
232
00:11:49,153 --> 00:11:51,220
Wow, what a showman.
233
00:11:51,255 --> 00:11:54,490
(cheering, whooping)
234
00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:55,825
I haven't felt this inspired
235
00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:57,493
since the blueberries
at breakfast.
236
00:11:57,528 --> 00:11:59,962
Daddy, permission
for a religious fit?
237
00:11:59,997 --> 00:12:01,230
A brief one.
238
00:12:01,265 --> 00:12:02,899
(speaking in tongues)
239
00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:04,734
I said a fit,
not a fervor.
240
00:12:04,768 --> 00:12:07,303
That sermon
really inspired me.
241
00:12:07,337 --> 00:12:09,372
This whole Christmas
has been about money.
242
00:12:09,406 --> 00:12:11,274
(bell jingling)
243
00:12:11,308 --> 00:12:12,909
Oh, are you with
the Salvation Army?
244
00:12:12,943 --> 00:12:14,077
What makes you
think that?
245
00:12:14,111 --> 00:12:15,111
(clink)
246
00:12:15,145 --> 00:12:16,646
Bless you. (laughs)
247
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,948
But I'm gonna give gifts
that aren't expensive
248
00:12:18,982 --> 00:12:20,316
and come from the heart.
249
00:12:20,350 --> 00:12:22,018
I don't know.
250
00:12:22,052 --> 00:12:24,420
Christmas didn't get to be
the number one holiday
251
00:12:24,455 --> 00:12:26,322
by being about love.
252
00:12:26,356 --> 00:12:30,126
Um, when a woman talks,
she just wants to be heard.
253
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,427
(groans)
254
00:12:34,765 --> 00:12:36,332
MARGE (groans):
Where's the end?
255
00:12:37,876 --> 00:12:39,744
(gasps, groans)
256
00:12:39,778 --> 00:12:42,180
Hey, Marge, we're running
out of chestnuts over here.
257
00:12:42,214 --> 00:12:43,848
Well, they don't
grow on trees.
258
00:12:43,882 --> 00:12:44,916
Uh, yeah, they do.
259
00:12:44,950 --> 00:12:46,250
Oh.
260
00:12:46,285 --> 00:12:48,186
What about our
romantic carriage ride
261
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:49,320
through the snow?
262
00:12:49,355 --> 00:12:51,122
Setting it up.
263
00:12:55,194 --> 00:12:56,928
I don't think
you're giving them
264
00:12:56,962 --> 00:12:58,629
what they were
promised, Dad.
265
00:12:58,664 --> 00:13:02,333
The secret is:
Don't read the comment cards.
266
00:13:06,672 --> 00:13:08,139
Where do the people sit?
267
00:13:08,173 --> 00:13:09,807
I thought they were
just gonna watch me.
268
00:13:09,842 --> 00:13:10,875
Excuse me.
269
00:13:10,909 --> 00:13:12,210
This eggnog
is terrible.
270
00:13:12,244 --> 00:13:14,345
All eggnog
is terrible.
271
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:17,482
Those stockings are not
hung by the chimney with care.
272
00:13:18,917 --> 00:13:20,385
Why did I do this
for money?
273
00:13:20,419 --> 00:13:22,286
Why did I do this
for money?
274
00:13:22,321 --> 00:13:24,455
And the Christmas special
on your television
275
00:13:24,490 --> 00:13:26,290
is one of the worst.
276
00:13:26,325 --> 00:13:30,061
ANNOUNCER: We now return to King Winter
Feasts On His Children.
277
00:13:30,095 --> 00:13:33,297
By the time Princess Summer
comes to save you,
278
00:13:33,332 --> 00:13:36,034
you'll all be blood in my beard.
279
00:13:36,068 --> 00:13:37,502
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
280
00:13:37,536 --> 00:13:39,337
Your own father's beard.
281
00:13:39,371 --> 00:13:40,905
(King Winter cackling)
282
00:13:46,745 --> 00:13:48,513
How long
to see Santa?
283
00:13:48,547 --> 00:13:50,181
How would I know?
I'm an accountant.
284
00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:52,183
I imagine for
small business, huh?
285
00:13:52,217 --> 00:13:53,785
God, I hate Christmas.
286
00:13:53,819 --> 00:13:55,420
Huh?
287
00:13:55,454 --> 00:13:58,423
Mr. Flanders,
where's your store?
288
00:13:58,457 --> 00:14:01,225
Well, I'm down to a kiosk,
thanks to that place.
289
00:14:03,362 --> 00:14:05,096
Actually, half
a kiosk.
290
00:14:05,130 --> 00:14:06,864
Sharing it with
Nasreen here.
291
00:14:06,899 --> 00:14:10,535
No cream is finer
than mall kiosk cream.
292
00:14:10,569 --> 00:14:11,669
J.Lo use it.
293
00:14:11,703 --> 00:14:12,904
No, thanks.
294
00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:15,506
It is no wonder
you are not married.
295
00:14:15,541 --> 00:14:16,741
Flip me back.
296
00:14:19,578 --> 00:14:21,112
If I have to give presents,
297
00:14:21,146 --> 00:14:22,580
I'll give presents
with a purpose.
298
00:14:22,614 --> 00:14:25,516
One for Maggie. Check.
299
00:14:25,551 --> 00:14:27,852
All that's left is Bart.
300
00:14:27,886 --> 00:14:29,053
No.
301
00:14:29,088 --> 00:14:31,122
No. No.
302
00:14:31,156 --> 00:14:32,390
No, no, no...
303
00:14:32,424 --> 00:14:34,625
Ah, perfect.
304
00:14:36,295 --> 00:14:38,329
GUESTS:
♪ All from Satan's power
305
00:14:38,363 --> 00:14:42,600
♪ As we were gone astray
306
00:14:42,634 --> 00:14:45,169
♪ Oh, tidings
307
00:14:45,204 --> 00:14:48,973
♪ Of comfort and joy
308
00:14:49,007 --> 00:14:54,245
♪ In Bethlehem, in Israel
this blessed babe was born... ♪
309
00:14:54,279 --> 00:14:55,480
Enough. Stop.
310
00:14:55,514 --> 00:14:58,249
Christmas carols
only have one verse.
311
00:14:58,283 --> 00:15:00,251
Well, they may have more,
but the second verse
312
00:15:00,285 --> 00:15:02,120
is where they get
all weird and religiousy.
313
00:15:02,154 --> 00:15:03,754
Uh, more
wassail, please.
314
00:15:03,789 --> 00:15:05,990
And don't skimp on
the aromatic bitters.
315
00:15:06,024 --> 00:15:08,059
For your information,
Gloria,
316
00:15:08,093 --> 00:15:11,429
my wassail is just Gatorade
I put in the microwave.
317
00:15:11,463 --> 00:15:14,065
(both gasp) I drank that
under the mistletoe.
318
00:15:14,099 --> 00:15:15,133
It's not mistletoe,
319
00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:17,768
just cherries and lettuce.
Oh!
320
00:15:17,803 --> 00:15:20,438
I thought when I ate it,
it wasn't poisonous.
321
00:15:20,472 --> 00:15:22,306
I've opened up
my house to you
322
00:15:22,341 --> 00:15:24,742
and all you do
is fill this joyous season
323
00:15:24,776 --> 00:15:26,244
with petty complaints.
324
00:15:26,278 --> 00:15:28,246
Ho, ho, ho.
325
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,181
Not now. Take
out that pillow
326
00:15:30,215 --> 00:15:32,350
and put it in
room three.
327
00:15:32,384 --> 00:15:33,417
(sighs)
328
00:15:33,452 --> 00:15:35,586
The pillow acted as a girdle.
329
00:15:35,621 --> 00:15:37,155
Any more questions?
330
00:15:37,189 --> 00:15:39,123
Uh, yes, will
the pudding be figgy?
331
00:15:39,158 --> 00:15:41,425
The pudding
will be Jell-O.
332
00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:42,827
Quite so.
333
00:15:42,861 --> 00:15:45,096
I'm going to
sulk in my room.
334
00:15:45,130 --> 00:15:48,432
The only thing good about
this place is the piano player.
335
00:15:48,467 --> 00:15:50,168
(coins rattle)
336
00:15:50,202 --> 00:15:52,103
♪
337
00:16:04,483 --> 00:16:06,317
(gasps)
338
00:16:06,351 --> 00:16:08,853
An Angelica Button wizard robe.
339
00:16:08,887 --> 00:16:11,055
With wand pocket.
340
00:16:11,089 --> 00:16:12,823
And wand.
341
00:16:12,858 --> 00:16:15,326
(gasps)
Professor Digglesby's wand.
342
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,395
Now I have every
wizarding stick
343
00:16:17,429 --> 00:16:19,330
from the Spells and
Potions Department
344
00:16:19,364 --> 00:16:20,965
of Wagglepoofs Academy.
345
00:16:20,999 --> 00:16:22,400
Don't make me
learn about it.
346
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:24,468
I know this Christmas
has been a little rocky,
347
00:16:24,503 --> 00:16:26,003
even for the Simpsons,
348
00:16:26,038 --> 00:16:29,006
but I think these gifts
born of thought and love
349
00:16:29,041 --> 00:16:32,410
will restore the balance
of prajna and samsara.
350
00:16:33,712 --> 00:16:34,845
I mean holly and jolly.
351
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,214
Now, Dad,
352
00:16:36,248 --> 00:16:38,216
I'd like to give you
your present.
353
00:16:39,251 --> 00:16:40,351
You got me weed?
354
00:16:40,385 --> 00:16:41,652
Even better.
355
00:16:41,687 --> 00:16:43,921
They're bags
of seeds.
356
00:16:43,956 --> 00:16:46,824
So that you can plant a
garden and watch it grow.
357
00:16:46,858 --> 00:16:48,426
That's great, sweetie.
358
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:51,662
After all that time
and hard work, I'll have...
359
00:16:51,697 --> 00:16:53,030
radishes?!
360
00:16:53,065 --> 00:16:55,266
It's the most hated
part of salad,
361
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:57,168
which is the most hated
part of dinner.
362
00:16:57,202 --> 00:17:00,071
Radishes, nothing but radishes.
363
00:17:02,808 --> 00:17:04,408
Dad, stop.
364
00:17:04,443 --> 00:17:07,011
What? I'm saving them
from the struggle of life.
365
00:17:07,045 --> 00:17:09,347
Well, at least you're
eating vegetables.
366
00:17:09,381 --> 00:17:10,648
Vegetables?!
367
00:17:11,717 --> 00:17:13,551
Okay, Bart,
open your present.
368
00:17:13,585 --> 00:17:15,553
It's the one I'm
most excited about.
369
00:17:15,587 --> 00:17:17,989
Plastic bubbling vomit,
plastic bubbling vomit.
370
00:17:19,224 --> 00:17:21,959
What? Lis,
you're smart.
371
00:17:21,994 --> 00:17:23,794
Why would you
give me a book?
372
00:17:23,829 --> 00:17:25,029
'Cause it's
easy to wrap?
373
00:17:25,063 --> 00:17:27,098
Nothing is easy to wrap.
374
00:17:27,132 --> 00:17:28,366
I have trouble with scissors.
375
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,567
(sobs)
376
00:17:29,601 --> 00:17:31,569
(guests murmuring)
377
00:17:31,603 --> 00:17:34,939
Marge, the brochure
promised us a happy Christmas.
378
00:17:34,973 --> 00:17:36,807
My uncle died
in your bed.
379
00:17:36,842 --> 00:17:38,576
Merry Christmas.
380
00:17:43,982 --> 00:17:44,982
(yawns)
381
00:17:45,017 --> 00:17:46,250
What?
382
00:17:46,285 --> 00:17:48,085
(gasps) N.C. Wyeth.
383
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,320
(huge gasp)
384
00:17:49,354 --> 00:17:51,522
These are book illustrations.
385
00:17:53,992 --> 00:17:55,426
Stop it! Stop it!
386
00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:57,628
Why in the world would
you burn a book?
387
00:17:57,663 --> 00:17:59,897
Actually, the idea
to do this came from a book.
388
00:17:59,931 --> 00:18:02,266
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury?
389
00:18:02,301 --> 00:18:05,269
What? No, I got it
from this.
390
00:18:05,304 --> 00:18:07,271
MILHOUSE:
See?
391
00:18:07,306 --> 00:18:09,473
How could you burn the
present I gave you?
392
00:18:09,508 --> 00:18:11,108
Because it's
my present.
393
00:18:11,143 --> 00:18:13,744
Did you give it to me
because you thought I'd like it
394
00:18:13,779 --> 00:18:16,447
or because you wanted to feel
better about yourself?
395
00:18:16,481 --> 00:18:19,116
Children, perhaps it's
time that I explain
396
00:18:19,151 --> 00:18:20,651
the true meaning
of Christmas.
397
00:18:20,686 --> 00:18:21,752
HOMER:
Shut up, Flanders.
398
00:18:21,787 --> 00:18:23,854
Okily-dokily.
399
00:18:25,324 --> 00:18:27,024
Now, did you check
the room to make sure
400
00:18:27,059 --> 00:18:28,159
you haven't left anything?
All set.
401
00:18:28,193 --> 00:18:29,760
Need directions
or a bottle of water?
402
00:18:29,795 --> 00:18:31,429
No, thanks. We're fine.
403
00:18:31,463 --> 00:18:33,998
Thank you, sir.
404
00:18:34,032 --> 00:18:35,666
(clears throat)
405
00:18:35,701 --> 00:18:37,835
Oh, right, we're
still doing that.
406
00:18:37,869 --> 00:18:39,937
Come on. I'll drive
you to the airport.
407
00:18:39,971 --> 00:18:42,340
Where are my keys?
Oh, right in here.
408
00:18:42,374 --> 00:18:44,041
Bart, you
were right.
409
00:18:44,076 --> 00:18:46,377
If you smell your farts
in a dream, you die?
410
00:18:46,411 --> 00:18:48,612
No, about Christmas.
411
00:18:48,647 --> 00:18:51,949
So I went out this morning
and I got you this.
412
00:18:51,983 --> 00:18:53,984
It's a tablet
with books on it,
413
00:18:54,019 --> 00:18:57,688
but also apps, like
Worms With Friends.
414
00:18:57,723 --> 00:18:59,123
(muffled grumbling)
415
00:18:59,157 --> 00:19:01,025
Wow. But how'd you afford it?
416
00:19:01,059 --> 00:19:03,227
I sold the gift you gave me.
417
00:19:05,530 --> 00:19:07,365
Get the twist?
Obviously.
418
00:19:07,399 --> 00:19:08,966
You're saying
it's from Maggie,
419
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,634
but actually
it's from you.
420
00:19:10,669 --> 00:19:11,702
Thanks, Lis.
421
00:19:11,737 --> 00:19:13,137
Now, why don't you
donate that
422
00:19:13,171 --> 00:19:15,339
to whatever
hopeless cause you want.
423
00:19:15,374 --> 00:19:16,874
Thanks, Bart.
424
00:19:16,908 --> 00:19:20,144
This will make a lot of
arctic loons very happy.
425
00:19:20,178 --> 00:19:21,145
(Marge groans)
426
00:19:21,179 --> 00:19:22,546
Uh, listen,
427
00:19:22,581 --> 00:19:23,748
I just
wanted to say
428
00:19:23,782 --> 00:19:26,217
I'm sorry
I overreacted.
429
00:19:26,251 --> 00:19:28,052
Thank you all for coming.
430
00:19:28,086 --> 00:19:30,554
Yeah, well, we have something
to say to you, Marge.
431
00:19:30,589 --> 00:19:32,323
(groans)
432
00:19:32,357 --> 00:19:35,059
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
433
00:19:35,093 --> 00:19:37,528
♪ We wish you a merry
Christmas ♪
434
00:19:37,562 --> 00:19:40,030
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
435
00:19:40,065 --> 00:19:44,869
♪ And a happy New Year.
436
00:19:50,208 --> 00:19:52,543
♪ Good tidings we bring...
437
00:19:52,577 --> 00:19:54,245
No second verses.
438
00:19:54,279 --> 00:19:55,679
They creep me out.
439
00:19:55,714 --> 00:19:58,115
Okay, we'll sing
a different one.
440
00:19:58,150 --> 00:20:00,518
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
441
00:20:00,552 --> 00:20:02,553
♪ On the feast of Stephen...
442
00:20:02,587 --> 00:20:05,423
Oh, that one creeps me out
from the beginning.
443
00:20:05,457 --> 00:20:07,558
♪ When the snow
lay round about ♪
444
00:20:07,592 --> 00:20:09,960
♪ Deep and crisp and even
445
00:20:09,995 --> 00:20:11,228
(loud whirring)
446
00:20:11,263 --> 00:20:14,595
Oh, the happy sound
of a blender.
447
00:20:14,695 --> 00:20:19,695
Captioning sponsored by 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
448
00:21:02,092 --> 00:21:03,015
Shh!