1 00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:26,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,680 Goo-oo-od evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:35,160 good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,840 where tonight we're looking at everything in the kitchen 5 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,080 but the sink. 6 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:42,840 Joining me at the breakfast bar, cooking with gas, Jason Manford. 7 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:47,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,360 Sharp as a knife, Victoria Wood. 9 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,040 Pointless as a spoon, Richard Osman. 11 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:58,200 Hiya. 12 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,080 And I got this fork off Alan Davies. 14 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:15,160 Let's hear your pingers. Jason goes... 16 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,800 BEEP-BEEP-BEEP 17 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,800 And Victoria goes... 18 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,640 TICK-TICK-TICK DING! 19 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:23,880 Richard goes... 20 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,600 DRING! 21 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,520 And Alan goes... 22 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:32,320 EXPLOSION AND ALARM 23 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:35,440 We're having a kitchen supper tonight. 24 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,440 Which of the following do you fancy? 25 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,640 Take me through these... lovely dishes. 26 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,080 They're all real. 27 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,680 Is the buttocktongue Marks & Spencer's buttocktongue? 28 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,800 It's YOUR buttocktongue. 29 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,080 - Oh, right. - Yes, exactly. Work on tongue. 30 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,240 Well, I'll have to be careful when I say that... 31 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,440 if you just take the last three letters off "tongue", you get? 32 00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,120 Oh, so like, like a biltong? 33 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,000 Biltong is right. 34 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,000 It's a hindquarters tongue, which sounds weird, but that's what it is. 35 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,200 - Biltong, have you ever had biltong? - No, I'm a vegetarian. - Ah. 36 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:09,680 Meet Alan. 37 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:11,080 He's a vegetarian, too. 38 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,760 - Hold on, is biltong not vegetarian? - No! 39 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:19,360 It's usually sold as ostrich biltong or dik-dik biltong 40 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:24,840 or some other animal, but they found in 2013, a very recent study, 41 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,240 that two-thirds was incorrectly labelled. 42 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,560 So horse biltong turned out to be biltong, can you believe? 43 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,720 Disgusting! A revolting idea! 44 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,640 I think, if you're eating that, 45 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:39,320 I don't think you have to worry about what animal it's come from. 46 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,720 So what is it? The bottom? 47 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,000 It's dried... Well, it's the dried hindquarters. 48 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,760 It's called "tongue", I think, because it's the shape of a tongue 49 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,640 in the way that it's dried, rather than it comes from a tongue. 50 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,160 "Biltong" - buttock. 51 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,760 So, does it have the actual...? 52 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,320 The hindquarters, which are buttocks on an animal. 53 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:55,960 But does it have the arsehole in it? 54 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,360 - Not the... - LAUGHTER 55 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,080 - I think not. - That's in hot dogs, I think. 56 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,640 - Has it got a tube? - Yeah, that's in... 57 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,400 - They save that for hot dogs and pork pies. - Yeah. 58 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,800 So you can have beef, horse, impala, 59 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:10,640 wildebeest, eland, giraffe and kangaroo biltong. 60 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,080 Apparently. Very nice. 61 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,480 So, that's a good one. You've started. 62 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,280 - Any other thoughts? - Kleftiko, that's... 63 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,360 That's on a menu in a Greek restaurant, isn't it? 64 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,960 Yes, kleftiko, exactly, does exist. 65 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,760 And it was originally called "kleptiko", 66 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,520 which might give you a hint. 67 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:24,960 Klept. 68 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,880 - Kleptomaniac? It's all stolen. - Kleptomania, kleptos is a thief. 69 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:31,920 And it was anti-Ottoman empire bandits who lived in the hills, 70 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,320 and they made up this dish, 71 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,640 so it was named after them, it's a thieves' dish. 72 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:39,520 It's quite elaborate for a bandit person to be doing. 73 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,600 They were... You should see their souffles. They were extraordinary. 74 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:46,280 Actually, souffles brings us on to nun's farts. 75 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,280 Well, it's... When you pop one... 76 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,520 Why specifically a nun's, though? I mean... 77 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,120 Cos nun's farts smell like souffle. Keep up! 78 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,320 He's just given you that, 79 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,720 - when he gives you one, for goodness' sake, grab it. - Yes, take notice. 80 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:07,040 A lot of French dishes have - or, indeed, European dishes - 81 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,520 have their... Pumpernickel is a devil's fart, "pumpen", pump, fart, 82 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,840 "nickel", Old Nick. And that's a bread, so they have rude names. 83 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,480 And there's a... Isn't there a cheese which is, er, 84 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:18,480 angel's tits or something like that? 85 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,960 - You can tell which ones are farting from their pained expressions. - Yeah. 86 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,000 That's like the cast of Dad's Army on a... 87 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,840 fancy-dress party. I think out of them all there, I'd go, I'd say... 88 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,800 - Which one? - She's definitely... She's definitely farted, 89 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,080 and the rest don't know yet. 90 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,880 Look at the smile. 91 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,760 Look at the smile on her face. 92 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,360 That's a massive board and they all just put their faces through. 93 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,200 Like on a pier. Yeah. 94 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,880 Nun's farts are little balls of pastry deep-fried, and they puff up. 95 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,560 They're also called whore's farts or Spanish farts, 96 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,440 in French, "pets-de-nonne". 97 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,640 "Pets" is "fart" in French. 98 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,480 These days, they've disappointingly been renamed as nun's puffs. 99 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,760 Or possibly poofs, I don't know how you would say it, it's hard to tell. 100 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,600 - Bishops, often, they're called that. - Bishops, yes, exactly. 101 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,440 Well, pocket soup. How could you put soup in your pocket? 102 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,240 - It's crazy, right? - It is! It's insane. There must be a way. - Yeah. 103 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,400 This actually is soup that has been... 104 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,240 - Solidified? - Yes. Reduced. 105 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,640 ALAN: Reduced. 106 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:22,400 - Into a sort of... Basically an early version of a stock cube. - Oh, right. 107 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,880 And then you reconstituted them by adding boiling water, 108 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,640 as you do with your classic stock cube. 109 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,960 - Why would you put it in your pocket? - To travel to work. 110 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,120 Keep your hands free. 111 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,680 But you know when you leave, like, a fiver in your pocket 112 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,840 when you put it in the wash - that would be awful 113 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,880 if you left some pocket soup in your jeans. 114 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:38,920 Oh! 115 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,120 - Can you imagine? - The whole wash would come back 116 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,400 as consomme of something. 117 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,840 Most unfortunate. 118 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:48,040 Treacle. Treacle. The anti-venereal treacle? 119 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,760 Wouldn't want to lick it off. 120 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,360 You're right. 121 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,080 It sold much better than pro-venereal treacle, didn't it? 122 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,280 - That didn't... - Yes! - That didn't sell. - It really didn't. 123 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:01,720 - Yeah, they really... - The two great treacles. - Yeah. 124 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,920 The word treacle has had an interesting history. 125 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,120 It now means, of course... 126 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,600 Yeah, it used to mean any sort of medicine, didn't it? 127 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,920 Or any sort of... 128 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,320 Even without a computer in front of you, you're good. 129 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,840 That is very... Or have you got one hidden under there? 130 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,040 No, I'm very impressed, you're absolutely right. 131 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,360 A treacle was generally any kind of specific 132 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,080 - against diseases and things. - Or a term of endearment, weirdly. 133 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,800 "Treacle," yes, in EastEnders and that sort of thing, isn't it? 134 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,320 "All right, Treacle?" "All right, anti-venereal treacle?" 135 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,400 That's what they call some of those characters. 136 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,440 - Auntie Venereal Treacle. - Yes. 137 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,400 "It's your Auntie Venereal, Treacle." 138 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,600 "You come in for your tea, Chlamydia." 139 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,640 Where was it...? There was... 140 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,720 - In America, Verruca's quite a popular name. - Really?! 141 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:48,720 People copy it from... 142 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,640 BOTH: ..Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. 143 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,520 They don't know... They don't call verrucas "verrucas" in America. 144 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,600 - So they don't know it's actually...? - They don't know it's an awful thing. 145 00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:00,080 - Verruca Salt. - Yeah. - Brilliant. I'm so pleased. 146 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,040 - So if they don't call chlamydia "chlamydia"... - Yes... 147 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,400 ..all you need to do is put it in a popular children's book as a name. 148 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,040 - Brilliant. - Before you know it... 149 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,040 It would be one of the most popular names. 150 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,920 - ..Barack Obama will have a daughter called Chlamydia. - Called Chlamydia! 151 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,480 Chlamydia Obama. 152 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,720 Which brings us to Dog and Maggot. 153 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,480 - Does it? - Well, it doesn't necessarily. 154 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,200 It sounds like rhyming slang for... 155 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,360 - someone of my persuasion. - Taggart. 156 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,640 Oh... 157 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,680 - I was going to go with the ITV show Taggart. - Oh, right. 158 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,960 "There's been a murder, Dog and Maggot." 159 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,920 - A Scotsman in the mist. See what I did there? - Yeah. 160 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,800 If I was to say "hard tack" to you, does that mean anything? 161 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,000 Ship's biscuits? 162 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,840 Very good. Ship's biscuits were known as hard tack. 163 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,320 And there's a famous scene in the Battleship Potemkin, 164 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,040 do you remember? If you've ever seen it. 165 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,360 - No, I'm a vegetarian. - The great Eisenstein movie... 166 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:55,680 LAUGHTER 167 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,400 That's going to be an answer to a lot of questions, isn't it? 168 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,200 "No, I'm a vegetarian." 169 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:05,880 The Potemkin was a ship in which there was a mutiny, 170 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,360 and there's a scene of them cracking open a ship's biscuit 171 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,640 - and the maggots... It's really horrible. - Eurgh. 172 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,600 And this is a British biscuit 173 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,600 called "Dog" because it was the consistency of a dog biscuit 174 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,960 and "Maggot" cos it had maggots in it, but it was... 175 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,280 In the First World War, it was part of the rations. 176 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,800 God. I think I'd rather eat the cutlery. 177 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,400 - I think you're right. - If that choice came up. 178 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,920 "I'll just have a chew on this knife, don't worry about it." 179 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,760 You know what I think I'd like with a fork? 180 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,880 Rather than having all the prongs in a line, 181 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,000 why can't they be in a kind of a square shape, 182 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,960 so you've got a kind of... 183 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,600 - Do you know, hold that thought. - That's a good idea. 184 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,440 - Because we might be coming on to that later in the exam. - Really? 185 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,200 - Wow. - Yes. 186 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,760 It might come up. 187 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:49,840 "Sir said it wouldn't come up this term, but it might have come up." 188 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,040 - I'll revise that. - Yeah. OK. 189 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:53,600 So that's your Dog and Maggot. 190 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,320 We're left with Kunga cake. 191 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,520 - Sounds African. - Very unlikely... 192 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,760 - It IS African, but you are very unlikely to get this. - Is it a cake? 193 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,680 - Well... - Is it going to be dung? - It's not dung, no. 194 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:07,120 - It sounded like dung. - It's animals, but tiny, weeny animals. 195 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:08,360 Termites. 196 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,120 - Even smaller, actually. - Ants. 197 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,240 - Midges. - Oh, midges? - Midges. 198 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,360 They come out from the river in their mating swarms 199 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,880 in such numbers that they gather them and press them into a cake. 200 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,360 - How do they gather them? - Well, I guess they... 201 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,400 Sort of with a net or something like that. 202 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:27,720 Good. It's about time they got their just desserts, those little sods. 203 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,600 They're always talking, these days, 204 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,720 about using all kinds of insect and things 205 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,680 for the future of the human race, for protein, insects... 206 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,960 - No? - No. - Do you remember, I had an ant on this show once? 207 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,360 I do remember you having an ant. 208 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,280 I got a bit of its sort of carapace and... 209 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,840 - HE CHOKES - It was just... 210 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,280 For the whole show, I had it caught in the back of my throat. 211 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,560 - It was disgusting. - I was like that with Dec. 212 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:50,920 LAUGHTER 213 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:55,040 Naughty. That's very naughty indeed. 214 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,920 Anyway, there you are. Here's some unusual cutlery. 215 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,800 I'd like you to tell me what kind of thing you could eat with them. 216 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,800 You've all got some, 217 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,560 but I'll start off with the one that you mentioned there. 218 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:10,600 - You said with tines, that were... - You just invented that, a minute ago. 219 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,160 There you are. Isn't it incredible? 220 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,200 - You mentioned something like it. - That's weird. 221 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,280 Isn't it? It's usage is very, very specific. 222 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,120 You don't actually handle it yourself, 223 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,400 cos you're so high-born that somebody else feeds you using that. 224 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:23,840 With what on it, though? 225 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,880 - Some sort of fruit? - No. 226 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,280 Is it a testicle? 227 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,200 It might include a testicle. 228 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,120 - Ooh. - Is it a scrotum? 229 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,240 It might include a scrotum. 230 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,360 What else really includes a testicle, Stephen? 231 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,040 The whole schmear. 232 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,720 A-A whole mammal. 233 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,720 Yes, a whole mammal. Let's just imagine I'm talking to one. 234 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,800 Oh, God. A comedian? 235 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,440 No, a cannibal. That's the point - a human being. 236 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,200 - Oh, human. - Oh... 237 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:05,240 Yours is a reproduction, sold as a souvenir item on the island of? 238 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,200 - Or islands of? - Wight. 239 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,400 Man. 240 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,240 LAUGHTER 241 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,200 More accurate if you'd said the Isle of Man, I would have thought. 242 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,320 - Oh, yeah. - Think of the... A cannibal island, 243 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,400 - it was part of the British Empire. - Oh, Guernsey. 244 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,000 - Fiji. - Fiji. - Fiji. - Oh, I might have known. 245 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,120 Yeah, you might have done. Fiji is the answer. 246 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,520 These are Fijian human forks. 247 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,480 - Two cannibals are eating someone... - Yes? 248 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,400 ..and one says, "You start at the toes, I'll start at the head." 249 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,520 He says, "All right." 250 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,680 Halfway through he says, "You all right?" 251 00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:43,120 He says, "Yeah, I'm having a ball." He says, "You're going too fast!" 252 00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:46,920 - There you go. - Excellent work. 253 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,920 - There you go. - Excellent work. - A cannibal joke for you. 254 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,280 All right, Alan, can you look 255 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:54,600 - and see what other items of cutlery you might have? - I've got this one. 256 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,960 That, you might recognise. 257 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,440 Once again, it's clearly for testicles. 258 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,040 If you did eat meat, it's quite common. Reasonably common. 259 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,600 - No. For fish? - Anyone know? 260 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,320 It looks like it's for force-feeding a suffragette. 261 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,080 The foreskin of a suffragette? 262 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,480 No! For FORCE-FEEDING! 263 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,920 LAUGHTER 264 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,800 I'm so sorry! 265 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,800 I'm so sorry! For force-feeding Emily Davison, as it were. 266 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,280 That's what Batman used to say, 267 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,200 "Within a foreskin of a suffragette!" 268 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,520 "Foreskin of a suffragette, Batman!" 269 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,920 Or for clenching a nose. 270 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,160 I'm sure the audience knows. Who'd like to shout out? 271 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,400 AUDIENCE: Snails! 272 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,160 - They all know that's for l'escargot, it is for snails. - Oh, is it? 273 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,440 You clench the shell 274 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,680 and then you use a little winkling fork to get the flesh out. 275 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:44,040 So there you are. And what have you got, Victoria? 276 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:49,080 - I've got that. - Now that is interesting. You've also got a bowl. 277 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:52,920 I'm sure there's, like, one of those in my mum's drawer, one of them. 278 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:56,040 - I've seen that. That's the only one I've seen. - Your mum's drawers! 279 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,800 On my mum's drawers! Is it a buffet spoon? Does it rest on a...? 280 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:03,200 It rests on the side of the bowl. The most useful thing... 281 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,560 - Brilliant. - Oh, that's clever. 282 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:07,560 Usually, things for this substance are wooden 283 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,480 with a sort of dome on the end and grooves around them. 284 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,680 - Honey? - Honey. 285 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,200 But this is even better for honey 286 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,080 cos you pour the honey into the bowl, 287 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,080 keeping it on top of that other bowl 288 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,320 and where do you put the spoon without stickiness? 289 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,200 - Yeah. - You just simply put it back on. 290 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,480 I think other people have got more cutlery than me. 291 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,520 - This, which is a strange... - Very hard. If you guess that... 292 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,800 - A spoon with holes in it. - I'll give you 100 points 293 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,920 if you guess what that is specifically for. 294 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:38,840 Oh, it's for Coco Pops so you get the milk at the bottom... 295 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,520 - that's turned chocolaty. - It would work as that. - It would. 296 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,640 It's actually very specifically for terrapins and turtles. 297 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,040 I don't usually eat them. 298 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,920 - You're a vegetarian. I know. - Exactly. Oh, I see. 299 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,920 - The flesh is delicious, apparently. - Oh, OK. 300 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:54,040 - The giant turtle, famously... - Aren't they protected, Stephen? 301 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,120 You're not supposed to be chomping away on them. 302 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,520 Oh, gosh, no, absolutely not. No, the Ridleys and... 303 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,080 - Well, why are you saying we should kill them and eat them? - No! 304 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,240 Why are you giving me cutlery to damage terrapins? 305 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,760 - You said that. - We used to. - Weird thing to say on television, 306 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,640 - that we should eat turtles. - I take it back. 307 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,960 - We shouldn't be killing them. - But they're delicious. 308 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,880 There is a special piece of cutlery for them. 309 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,680 - And apparently they're delicious. - We have some cutlery for them, 310 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,360 - and they're delicious. - Just in case. 311 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,800 And, Jason, what have you got? 312 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,800 Ahem... 313 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:24,280 Ooh. Now this is interesting. 314 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,960 Don't look at your reflection in it, that'll only upset you. 315 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,760 I was seeing if that's what was unusual. 316 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,240 - No. - Oh, my God, it's Tom Selleck. 317 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,920 That's weird, isn't it? Of all the people. 318 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,520 Have a grip and a twist. 319 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,520 - OK. Oh! - Ah. 320 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,080 It turns. It turns like that. 321 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,040 - Yeah. - Is it supposed to...? - All the way. 322 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,320 Oh, all the way, OK. 323 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,040 Oh, and then it just becomes, like... 324 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,520 - It's broken. - It's... 325 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,480 - It's a breakable spoon! - Brilliant. 326 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,200 No, but look in the spoon end. The ladle end. 327 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,400 - It's hollow. - Yeah. Oh, inside there. 328 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,040 So you could fill it with something. 329 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,040 - A message. Hot water? - Hot water. 330 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,800 Oh, I was going to say turtle blood. 331 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,240 - Oh, I see. - You fill it with hot water and it's a gravy spoon 332 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,200 that keeps the gravy nice and warm to stop the fat congealing. 333 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,920 - Oh, I like that. - Richard? - Great idea. 334 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,960 Are we going to have anything that you can eat testicles with? 335 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,560 - They may be coming up. - Eat them with that. 336 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,560 - Here we go, here we go. - Yes, now what's that? 337 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,280 - Are they holes, in the end? - Ah! - Yeah, it's got all perforations. 338 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,240 - You see, you've learnt from your thing. - Yes. 339 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,080 There are perforations in the ladle itself 340 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,800 and the spoon part itself, the bowl. What about the other end? 341 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,440 - It's got a little hole in it. - Ah. So what could you do? 342 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,040 - Well... - You could hang it... 343 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,480 - I'm going to insert it into the... - Cheese. - ..backside of a turtle. 344 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,680 Just there. Literally just there. 345 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,760 And then, I think, you tell me if I'm wrong, 346 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,480 you squeeze, is that right? 347 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,400 You squeeze down on the shell. 348 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:49,360 And out it comes, and then you've essentially got yourself a smoothie 349 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,720 which comes out of the end. 350 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,640 Is it a turtle-blood smoothie maker? 351 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,160 It's so close. 352 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,360 If I said the word "mate" to you, would that mean anything? 353 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:01,920 Have you ever travelled to an area where you drink mate tea? 354 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,680 - Audience? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Argentina. 355 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,160 - Argentina and Peru, and various other places. - Of course. 356 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,400 - It's called mate. - There we go. We've got that sorted. 357 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,200 So, basically, it does a marvellous job. 358 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,920 It stirs the leaves 359 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,280 and allows you to drink the tea all in one without needing a strainer. 360 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,720 Oh, it's a straw. 361 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,520 - It's a straw, you suck it up. - Ah, that's so good. 362 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,520 It's an Argentinian mate spoon. 363 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:25,200 Now, what attachment would you expect to find 364 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,640 on a Swiss student knife? 365 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:31,000 - A Pot Noodle opener? - That's very good. 366 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,280 How many attachments you think...? How many...? 367 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,440 - 12. - 12. - 40? 368 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,920 - One. - Oh! 369 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,840 You win. It's two. Very good. 370 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,440 It only two, just two blades on a student knife. There is one. 371 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,560 I suppose he doesn't need a corkscrew, does he? 372 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,960 He doesn't really need a corkscrew, no. No. 373 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,680 If it was a British child, yes. 374 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,360 And he'd need a little special shot glass for a Jagerbomb. 375 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:58,840 The whole works, basically, for your average British child. 376 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,360 Except QI viewers. 377 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,480 Pocket knives were originally imported from Germany in the 1890s 378 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,760 but then a Swiss gentleman called Karl Elsener 379 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,680 won the contract to make them locally. 380 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,880 And every member of the Swiss Army had to get one 381 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,880 and considering that was all men - were members of the Swiss Army - 382 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,960 that was a very valuable contract indeed, as you can imagine. 383 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,480 Did people actually get killed by them? 384 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,480 Or were they just for cutting ropes and wood? 385 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,160 I think they were just for general use. 386 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,440 I don't think they were for hand-to-hand combat. 387 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:27,760 Yeah, you wouldn't want that. 388 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,760 "Just wait there a sec, got to get the right one! 389 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,880 "Argh! Corkscrew! For God's sake! Wait there!" 390 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,520 It wasn't red, the original. 391 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,640 As you can see, it was black with a wooden handle. 392 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,320 The screwdriver was so that soldiers could actually dismantle their guns. 393 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,560 That's what that was for. 394 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,080 Then there was the schoolboy knife and the farmer's knife. 395 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:49,120 But his big break came in 1897 with the officer's knife. 396 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:52,040 And that's really where we begin to go into Swiss Army territory. 397 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,160 Now you're talking. 398 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,560 Now, you can see - there's your classic formation. 399 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,280 They make up to 65 million a year. 400 00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,240 It's huge. You see some shops which just have a window 401 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:02,800 full of nothing else, don't you? 402 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,440 Including a big one that's slowly... 403 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,200 I've got one of those. I bought one. 404 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,600 I bought one from a shop that was going out of business, 405 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,280 one of those that just opens and closes. It's really good fun. 406 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,400 Just plug it in. I can sit and watch it for hours. 407 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,880 Have you not got a television? 408 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,240 Yes, but I'm always on it! 409 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,960 APPLAUSE 410 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,720 I don't have that channel. 411 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:30,480 Ah! Um... 412 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,040 - "And now...QI." - Argh! 413 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,320 Um, you... 414 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:36,920 LAUGHTER 415 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,000 So much better, believe me. 416 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,760 Did you know that they produce a Swiss Army fragrance? 417 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:45,800 - Oh. - Do they? 418 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,560 You'll love the deception. 419 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:51,160 "The Classic is a fresh, aromatic fragrance for men 420 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:54,800 "that stands for refinement and vision. 421 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,920 "It has notes of yuzu, geranium and lavender. 422 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,360 "It radiates..." You could be talking about me here. 423 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,240 "It radiates a disarming masculinity." 424 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,240 But you'll be pleased to know, Victoria, 425 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,200 there is one for the ladies. 426 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,040 It's for "straightforward, uncomplicated women 427 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,400 "who enjoy asserting their femininity 428 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,040 - "alongside their athleticism." - That is me. That's me. 429 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,440 - Exactly! Absolutely. - Do we know what notes that's got? 430 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,920 Yes, I can tell you the notes. 431 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,160 - Paraguay tea, cedar and hay. - Oh, all my favourites. Hay?! 432 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,240 - That's what it is. - Why are you putting hay in it? 433 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,920 - Is hay common in...? Is it common? - Yeah. - Yes? 434 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,480 Hay, grass, manure, compost - love it all. 435 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,720 Oh, dear. But, as always, 436 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,160 the best in multi-bladed knives comes from Norfolk. 437 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,120 - The best in everything comes from Norfolk. - The Norfolk Army Knife? 438 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,120 The Norfolk Knife, not the Norfolk Army Knife. 439 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,040 - They've got their own army? - The Iceni Knife. 440 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,440 No, there is a Norfolk Knife, 441 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,400 which I think will take your breath away 442 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,800 for its beauty and uncomplicated design. 443 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,880 That's good to solve most of your problems, 444 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,840 including the problem of having fingers will be solved. 445 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,160 - That's amazing. - It's preposterous, isn't it? But it is... 446 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,240 That's the Norfolk Knife. Well, there you are. 447 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,520 So I hope I'm radiating disarming masculinity 448 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,320 as we move on to the next question. 449 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,560 What's the quickest way to cool down my kitchen? 450 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,240 I'm going to... Just because I'd love to get a klaxon sound, 451 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:22,240 - is it opening the fridge? - Ah! - KLAXON 452 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,760 - That would make it hotter. - Somehow that makes it hotter, doesn't it? 453 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,280 - Turning on the oven. - Turning on the oven would not cool... 454 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,800 - Turning on the top of the stove. Put the gas on. - Right. 455 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,400 Because the coolest place in front of a fire is right in front. 456 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,000 Oh, I see what you mean, but that would still warm up the room. 457 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,160 - Yeah, all right, it's just a thought. - No, don't... 458 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,520 Don't be cross, it's good you didn't say turn on the fan, 459 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,480 - which would have got you a klaxon. - I wasn't going to say that! - Exactly. 460 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:45,960 Can I just say turn on the fan? 461 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,160 - Oh, you've gone klaxon-mad! - KLAXON 462 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,840 - It is... - Why...? So why would opening the fridge...? 463 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,680 It's the second law of thermodynamics. 464 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,600 The energy you need to create the coolness creates work. 465 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,480 And energy and work are basically congruent, in physics, to heat. 466 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:00,720 And so the back of a fridge... 467 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,160 But what if the motor of my fridge is outside my... 468 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,600 - I'm thinking exactly that. - Ah, if that were the case, yes. 469 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:07,240 - Cos you haven't been to my kitchen. - No! 470 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,080 - I said MY kitchen, though, that was in the question. - I'm so sorry. 471 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,280 We had it covered. 472 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,400 In the case of an air-conditioner, of course, 473 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:14,840 the back is always outside. 474 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,640 So a fan that is just cooling the air...? 475 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,760 Yeah, the motor of the fan warms the room. 476 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,880 And what's up with them windows? Do they not open? 477 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,240 Well, that would be a good answer. Exactly. 478 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,760 What about opening the windows?! 479 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,000 - Yes, that's fine, you might get a point for that. - Yes! 480 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,240 - Why's it so hot in your kitchen? - I know. 481 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:30,680 What have you been doing? 482 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:32,960 Cooking. 483 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:37,000 What protected species have you been slaughtering in your kitchen? 484 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,400 Boiling terrapins by the dozen. 485 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,160 "Open a window, Stephen!" 486 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:43,880 "No, I like it hot and sweaty!" 487 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,560 Scraping the froth off. 488 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:48,960 Oh, don't! 489 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,120 "Where's my mate spoon?" 490 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,320 Now, John Gori. John Gori of Florida 491 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,040 was one of the pioneers of refrigeration 492 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:01,240 and he believed that heat was one of the things that made you ill. 493 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:04,760 And so he would lower huge bags of ice over patients, 494 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:06,720 and the cold air would fall on their faces 495 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:08,520 and he thought that would help them. 496 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:12,520 Then he went so far as to invent a refrigeration machine 497 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,960 and this outraged the huge industry 498 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:19,360 that towed and transported real ice from Canada and other places 499 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,120 into New York and so on, 500 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,960 and they had a successful campaign, 501 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:28,600 saying that artificial ice didn't work, it wasn't proper ice 502 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,840 and it would never work properly. And he died in poverty. 503 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,840 In the supermarket, there's a bag of... 504 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,160 - You know you can buy bags of ice? - Yes. 505 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,800 - There's one I saw called "Extra-slow-melting ice". - What?! 506 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:41,560 - I know! - Has it got salt in it or something? 507 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:42,800 What can they possibly...? 508 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,480 And then, in the thing, it just says, "Ingredients - water." 509 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,400 - That is dodgy. - That's dodgy. - There's clearly someone there... 510 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,960 - It also has a Best Before on it, legally. - Yeah! - I love that. 511 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,320 It's fantastic, isn't it? 512 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,440 So if you leave the fridge door open, 513 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,240 the room will actually get warmer. 514 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,720 Which breed of dog makes the best kebab? 515 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:07,640 You need one with an opposable digit to make any kind of sandwich. 516 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:08,960 Hey, very good! 517 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,080 What about a sheep dog? 518 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,440 - KLAXON - Whoa. 519 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,280 I was going to say sausage dog, so I'm glad I went for that. 520 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,160 KLAXON 521 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,480 APPLAUSE 522 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,440 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 523 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,920 Yeah, what about a kebab dog? 524 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,720 There isn't such a dog, fortunately. 525 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,400 There's a shop near me, there's a takeaway near me called Kebabish. 526 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,240 And I like it, cos it sort of sounds like the guy who owns it, 527 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,760 even he doesn't know what's in the meat. 528 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:40,800 "What is it?" 529 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,320 "I don't know, it's just kebabish, it's just like a kebab." 530 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:44,600 Funny you should say that, 531 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:46,960 because doner kebabs have come under scrutiny lately. 532 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,440 The average doner has 1,000 calories, 533 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,080 - half a woman's recommended daily allowance. - Wow. 534 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:53,360 Even a woman called Donna. 535 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,240 Even a woman called Donna, in fact. 536 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,480 The worst have almost 2,000 calories. 537 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,200 An average has 98% of the recommended daily allowance of salt, 538 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:07,160 and 148% of the recommended daily allowance of saturated fat. 539 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,720 I know reading those out is supposed to put us off, 540 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,320 but I could kill for one now. 541 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,680 It did sound... All the stuff about saturated fat sounded delicious. 542 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,400 - Oh, yes. - It did, didn't it? - That just sounds like a bargain, 543 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,080 if you're getting 98% of your salt, 544 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:24,520 means you don't have to get it anywhere else, do you? 545 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,640 APPLAUSE 546 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,640 It's called a doner kebab... I mean, because it's Turkish for a spit, 547 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,000 generally, a going-round thing, a rotisserie. 548 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,360 Cos the standard kebab is, like, on a skewer, isn't it? 549 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:36,520 - A shish. - A shish. 550 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,920 And I never knew you could pull them off the skewer before you ate them, 551 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,760 when I was a boy, I was going to go like that, 552 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:42,960 and then I'd go, "Argh..." 553 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,800 And then I saw someone just pulling them all off. Exactly! 554 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:50,920 Ow! 555 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,080 - That's how the Queen eats them. - Yeah, I'm sure she does. 556 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:57,880 So, do you have dogs? 557 00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,760 No, I don't like things that don't talk. 558 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,040 You don't like things that...? I love that rule. 559 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,840 I don't like things that don't make jokes. 560 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,560 That's a really good rule. 561 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,320 It excludes some men, obviously. 562 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:10,560 Yeah, I was going to say, some men as well. 563 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,200 Because we are literally speaking about a breed of dog 564 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,600 that has since gone out of existence. 565 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,160 It's no longer bred and it's become extinct as a breed. 566 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,640 But it used... But it used to talk? 567 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,960 No, no, sorry. We're conflating, unfortunately, here. 568 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,360 It was a spit dog, a turnspit dog. 569 00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:26,560 It was actually bred... 570 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:28,440 - Spit the Dog. - There is one. - Oh, Spit the Dog! 571 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,280 - It's a really cute... - Bob Carolgees... 572 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,360 It's a cute breed, look at it. Isn't it cute? 573 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:34,720 It's not cute, it's weird. No, it's not, it's horrible. 574 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,240 - It's like a Star Wars dog. - Oh, I think it looks lovely. 575 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:40,680 It's... This is a stuffed one in Abergavenny Museum, I ought to say. 576 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,360 - The taxidermist has bollocksed that right up. - Well... 577 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:48,720 - The head's wrong. - It's stuffed with feta and vine leaves. 578 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,120 Their job was to walk round, 579 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:56,040 keeping the roast meat on a spit evenly cooked. 580 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,240 They were actually bred for that job. 581 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,800 They were inside a wheel and they turned the wheel. 582 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,560 Like a hamster in a Ferris wheel. 583 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,040 And it worked beautifully well. 584 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,200 And on their day off, they would get taken to church 585 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,640 and used as foot warmers. 586 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:10,480 That was the life of... 587 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,400 It sounds like they went into extinction through choice. 588 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,200 - "I've had enough of this. Come on, lads." - Yes. 589 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,640 And Queen Victoria kept retired ones as pets. 590 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,600 She actually liked them rather a lot. 591 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,760 - It's a nice thought, isn't it? - It looks sad. - Yeah. - Well, yeah. 592 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:30,120 - Probably cos it's dead. - It is dead. - Because the box is too small. - Yes! 593 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:36,680 There were, in 1765, estimated to be 3,000 turnspit dogs in Bath alone. 594 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:37,960 Not everyone liked them. 595 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,480 William Cotesworth of Gateshead 596 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,440 wrote that he had got rid of his turnspit, 597 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,680 "To keep the dog from the fire, the wheel out of the way 598 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,080 "and the dog prevented from shitting upon everything it could." 599 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,360 That's the problem, you don't want poo. 600 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:52,560 That's Northerners for you, though. 601 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,560 Who wants to bath alone, anyway? Yeah, nobody wants to do that. 602 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:57,560 - "Who wants to bath alone?" - Yeah. 603 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,760 - Oh, what a lovely saying. - I don't. 604 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:01,200 When did you last bath alone? 605 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,440 - I don't bath. - Ah. 606 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,080 Please tell me you shower. 607 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,400 - I shower. - Good. - If you insist! 608 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:09,720 I can tell you! 609 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:12,520 I know you do - 610 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,080 you smell of disarming masculinity and hay. 611 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:17,760 Well, that's your answer. 612 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,480 Turnspit dogs. They got hot during the working week 613 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,640 and on Sunday were used as foot warmers. 614 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:28,200 Now, when Koreans went into space, what did they take to chow down on? 615 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,240 - You've got a bowl, Victoria... - I've got a bowl? 616 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:31,320 ..and you can eat some. 617 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,280 - Phwoar, blimey! - It is quite a strong smell. 618 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:35,760 - Oh, you really can. - It really is. 619 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:39,040 - They took that into space? - Yeah. - Was that to get rid of it? 620 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,960 It is a bit smelly, it's actually delicious. 621 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,320 - Let's hope there's pudding. - Korean astronaut food? 622 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,840 Well, they developed a special breed of it for astronauts. 623 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,200 I think it's got cabbage in it. 624 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,680 It has, it's mostly cabbage. 625 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,960 It's almost like a kind of sauerkraut. 626 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,200 Sorry, I dropped my chopsticks. 627 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,920 You can't drop anything in space. 628 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,360 You merely release. 629 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:05,480 The point about this food is it is generally reckoned 630 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,440 that this food is more celebrated and loved by the Koreans 631 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:13,120 than any food in any other culture is loved by any other culture. 632 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:15,520 It is absolutely their identity. 633 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,880 They've not... They've not had a pie in the North. 634 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:20,200 No, well, believe me, they talk about this food 635 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,440 far more even than Northerners talk about pies. 636 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,520 In Wigan, you know, on the back of bakers' vans, 637 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:28,640 they've got a sign that says, "No pies are left in this van overnight." 638 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,640 APPLAUSE 639 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,760 It's true, that. 640 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,680 That's how important they are. 641 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,480 That is very good. 642 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:40,040 But if you can name this food, I'd be very impressed, 643 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:42,880 because it really is the essence of Korea. 644 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:44,920 They really are obsessed with it. 645 00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:46,560 - Have you ever heard of it? - No. 646 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,600 - It begins with K, which is a help. - AUDIENCE: Kimchi. 647 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:52,560 Kimchi is the right answer, from the audience. K-I-M-C-H-I. 648 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:54,880 - Well, it's bloody lovely. - It is really good, isn't it? 649 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,600 - It's pretty healthy. - Have you got any more? Do you want my one? 650 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,160 It's mostly cabbage... 651 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,720 - I tell you what, I'm going to Korea on holiday. - Yeah! 652 00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,400 It is genuinely delicious, isn't it? 653 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:09,400 - It's quite piquant, it's quite hot, it's got a bit of chilli. - Yeah. 654 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,600 It's mostly radish and cabbage, and it's very, very simple. 655 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:14,200 But there are lots of different... 656 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:16,920 - I can feel myself becoming more obedient. - Yeah. 657 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,800 APPLAUSE 658 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,440 Finally! At last. 659 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,160 - Do you know what, though? - Tell me. 660 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,320 - You know when you want a second one... - Yeah. 661 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,240 - You don't, really. - It's just too much. Yeah. 662 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,440 They eat two million tonnes of this a year. 663 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,320 - Each?! - In South Korea on its own. 664 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,960 I think that would be... Even that is too much. 665 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,800 Some make their own and bury it in a sealed jar over winter. 666 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,600 Others have special kimchi refrigerators. 667 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:50,960 - When you open the door of them, they heat the room up. - Whooo! 668 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:57,720 - It is quite hot. - It's quite hot, it's quite hot. - Yeah. 669 00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,560 It's really HO-O-OT! 670 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:02,280 In 2010, they had a... 671 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,080 IN KOREAN ACCENT: "You like kimchi, ha-ha-ha! 672 00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:07,920 "You western fool! Afterburn!" 673 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:09,960 No racial stereotyping here, then. 674 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:14,040 Just cheap laughs, cheap laughs, Stephen. 675 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:17,520 That is just... That's razy lacism, and you know it. 676 00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,840 Um, in 2010, they had a cabbage crop failure 677 00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,240 - and the price rose by 400%. - Shut up! Oh! 678 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:27,320 And they spent millions on the South Korean astronaut, 679 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,000 who went up into space. 680 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,480 And...so she could have a kimchi 681 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:33,960 that was bacterially more sound 682 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:36,160 and would survive in space better, 683 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:39,040 because it was absolutely crucial to her wellbeing as a Korean. 684 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,760 And indeed, Chung Il-kwon, when he was President, 685 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:43,960 during the Vietnam war, said to President Johnson, 686 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:48,440 who asked, when he was away, "What do you miss in Korea?" 687 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,640 He said, to be honest he missed kimchi more than he missed his wife. 688 00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,640 Is Kimchi the name of his mistress? 689 00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:56,040 Possibly. 690 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:57,680 Anyway, for Koreans, 691 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,640 kimchi is literally out of this world. 692 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:03,520 How could you get money out of the king of Scotland? 693 00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:06,720 That's a wonderful photograph, isn't it? 694 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:08,640 Obviously, he's not the king of Scotland. 695 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:11,840 This was a very early king of Scotland, nearly 1,000 years ago. 696 00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:15,240 - There he is. He was King David I. - Oh, Dave, yeah, yeah. 697 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:17,880 - Old Dave. - Of course, yeah, you can see with the beard now, yeah. 698 00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,480 - Wee Davie. - Cos he didn't always have the beard, did he? 699 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:23,440 - And then he grew it for Movember. - When he was a baby... 700 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:30,240 He was a tiny, tiny King, smaller than a thistle. 701 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:31,400 He was very, very small. 702 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:33,200 "Can we have some money, King David?" 703 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:35,840 SMALL VOICE: "No, you can't have any money!" 704 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:39,240 He would reward people, give them a tax rebate 705 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:40,840 if they had good...? 706 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,080 Shortbread. Scones. 707 00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:46,800 - Scones, shortbread...? - Deep-fried Mars bars. - Table manners? 708 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,360 - Say it again. - Table manners? - Is the right answer. - Hey! 709 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:52,080 He would reward people for their table manners. 710 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,280 - STEPHEN LAUGHS - Immediately took your elbows of! 711 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:57,160 - Whoa! - Never know. - Fantastic. 712 00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:59,320 Plus five points for good table manners. 713 00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,560 The 12th-century King David I of Scotland, yes. 714 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,240 According to William of Malmesbury, 715 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:06,080 he gave tax rebates for good table manners. 716 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,640 Talking of table manners and royalty, 717 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,640 which member of the Royal family 718 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,720 would you least expect to have had terrible table manners? 719 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:18,600 - Queen Victoria. - Queen Victoria, yeah. And she was, er... 720 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:20,600 - Jesus! - Was she still of a generation 721 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:24,080 who thought that blowing off at the end of a meal was a compliment? 722 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:25,240 No! I don't think... 723 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:28,280 I've been using that one for years, you know. 724 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,440 "It's a COMPLIMENT to the chef!" 725 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:35,200 - I think you are confusing it with burping. - Oh, God, sorry! 726 00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:38,560 All this time... 727 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:43,320 It's never a compliment to blow off at the table, 728 00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:46,000 - where there's food. - Unless you're a nun. 729 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,400 Yeah, unless you're a nun. 730 00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,200 ♪ What are we going to do about Maria? ♪ 731 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:50,480 Pfffrrrrt! 732 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:52,880 It does look like rather a joyless table, doesn't it? 733 00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:55,200 Which one of those is Queen Victoria? 734 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,480 VICTORIA: And which one of those is Edward VIII? 735 00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:59,240 That one like Winston Churchill in drag. 736 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:00,960 - I think Edward - VII - is on the right. 737 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:02,840 No, one of the boys would be Edward VIII. 738 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,720 Oh! I see what you mean. It would be. His son, David. It would be. 739 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:08,320 - The second one. - Which one is Colin Firth? 740 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:14,040 That would be the youngest one on the left, I think. 741 00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:17,160 That's Colin F-F-F-F-F-Firth. 742 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,480 Um... And in the middle is Queen Victoria. 743 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,680 - Why is she so, you know...? - Joyless? - Yeah. 744 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,240 She was not amused, if you remember, since her husband died. 745 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:25,600 I know, but you'd have thought, 746 00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,720 - once she's at the table with her family, she'd bloody smile! - No. 747 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:32,320 The paparazzi are so annoying when you're having your breakfast. 748 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:33,920 They're like that. 749 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:35,440 She was a large woman. 750 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:40,120 - She was only 4'11" high. - Kylie Minogue. - Kylie Minogue. 751 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:41,360 - Is she stood up there? - No. 752 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:43,640 VICTORIA: She was about 12 stone, wasn't she? 753 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,280 But she weighed 12 stone. It's exactly what she wait. 754 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:47,920 She had a 50-inch waist. 755 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:50,320 Well, her bloomers were 50 inches. 756 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:52,880 As collected by Norman St John-Stevas, the MP. 757 00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:54,280 - I didn't know that. - Yes, he did. 758 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:56,040 He collected Victoria's underwear. 759 00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,720 Literally. Not VictoriAN but VictoriA'S 760 00:33:59,960 --> 00:34:04,280 And he started the lingerie shop, Victoria's Secret, didn't he? 761 00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:06,760 - Very good! - That's what he sells. 762 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:09,280 I've never been in, but I presume that's what they sell. 763 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:10,600 Presumably it is. 764 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:13,600 The fact is, because she was Queen, she got served first at dinner 765 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,720 and she would start eating. 766 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:20,800 And she would get through a 14-course dinner in half an hour. 767 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,560 - Wow. - And once she had finished, 768 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,480 - everyone else had their food taken away. - Brilliant. 769 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:26,920 So, they'd go, "Ah." 770 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,440 And she would just gobble away at incredible speed. 771 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:31,760 Lord Hartington, who was one of her courtiers, 772 00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:35,280 was heard to shout at a footman, "BRING THAT BACK!" 773 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,640 He was so angry at the fact that... 774 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:40,240 By the time you'd just got your soup spoon in, 775 00:34:40,240 --> 00:34:42,480 she was going, "Well, that was very lovely." 776 00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:46,600 And her doctors became concerned at her obesity 777 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:51,880 and they recommended Benger's Food, which was one of these supplements. 778 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:55,200 This was a thick, milky gruel, often given to invalids and the elderly, 779 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:59,280 so she agreed and she took it on top of her normal diet. 780 00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,440 Were they worried she wasn't going to fit on the coins? 781 00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:07,720 That's a brilliant idea! 782 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:11,000 Just get a little bit of the middle of her, a big breast. 783 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:14,080 - The coins got bigger and bigger and bigger. - Huge coins. 784 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:15,440 "A whole penny?" 785 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:16,880 Fwa-chang! 786 00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:21,640 The lavatory doors were vast to spend a penny. 787 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,120 Oh, lordy. 788 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,040 Now, here's the skull of King Richard III, 789 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:28,240 but what can you tell me about his table manners, 790 00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:30,000 just by looking at it? 791 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,440 Well, he was very good at eating Toblerone. 792 00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:36,400 Anything else you can tell? 793 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:38,560 What's unusual about his teeth compared to ours? 794 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:42,200 - Space for a straw, that would be... - Space for a straw, yes! 795 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:47,560 Notice your teeth, the top row and the bottom row. 796 00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:49,320 Close your mouth, naturally. 797 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,680 - Yeah. - Your top row... 798 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:52,880 Overbite. 799 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:54,680 We've all got an overbite. 800 00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:57,880 Cruelly called by Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally, 801 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,040 "Dancing - white man's overbite." 802 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:03,760 But the actual overbite, 803 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:06,600 literally like that, is a recent thing in human beings. 804 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:10,120 And it comes after forks, because we cut up our food. 805 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:12,360 And in the days when we wrenched our food, 806 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:14,520 the incisors would get smoothed down more, 807 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:16,720 and the teeth would fit exactly. 808 00:36:16,720 --> 00:36:20,880 And it shows that Richard III didn't use a fork for cutting his food, 809 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:22,040 which we know, 810 00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:26,040 cos forks were not used for transferring food to your mouth. 811 00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:28,440 Right up to Tudor times, you would use...? 812 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:29,480 - Your hands. - Your hands. 813 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,800 So if we brought up children without knives and forks, 814 00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:34,120 - they wouldn't develop an overbite? - No. - You know what? 815 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,360 I'm going to try. I'll come back in 21 years' time. 816 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:37,640 - Call me a liar. - We'll see. 817 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:39,920 - It's true. - With a really resentful-looking boy. 818 00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:42,960 - I've got twins, so - one, I'm going to give a fork. - Brilliant! 819 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:45,480 - Brilliant! - And one... I'll have the perfect experiment. 820 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,760 - It is superb. Unethical, but perfect. - Yeah. 821 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:52,280 And you can sort of show this by the difference in civilisations 822 00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:53,760 who've developed overbites. 823 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:57,880 And 1,000 years ago, you can see where Chinese aristocratic skulls 824 00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:00,760 have an overbite, but peasants don't. 825 00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,240 And it's when they started to use chopsticks 826 00:37:03,240 --> 00:37:06,400 and chop up their food, and then it spread throughout the population. 827 00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,200 So it really does... It sounds weird, 828 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,760 but this overbite we have is an acquired characteristic 829 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:12,600 because of our chopping-up of food. 830 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,400 You can just tell by looking at skulls. 831 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:16,440 Just go through any graveyard, dig people up, 832 00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:19,240 - and you'll see I'm right, Jason. - "Stephen Fry told me to do it." 833 00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:21,800 - Yes, absolutely! - While I'm chewing on a turtle. 834 00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:25,080 - "Really bad influence." - Yeah. 835 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:26,720 So, anyway, 836 00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:30,000 name the traditional ingredients of kedgeree. 837 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:33,040 Well, now, there's some of them on the screen. 838 00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:36,000 Rice. Say rice. 839 00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:39,440 Say eggs. 840 00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:41,720 - I think Victoria wanted to answer this one. - Yes. 841 00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:44,120 Um...haddock. 842 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:47,480 - Oh, dear! Oh, dear! - KLAXON 843 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:49,440 You wanted that, didn't you? 844 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:51,040 Er, what about egg? Rice? 845 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:54,400 Yes, egg. Well, rice... It means "a mix-up". 846 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:55,920 And fish is a very recent thing 847 00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:57,840 to be an absolute essential of kedgeree. 848 00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,560 In fact, the Hobson-Jobson Dictionary Of Anglo-Indian Words, 849 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:03,120 which is one of the great books of its time, says, 850 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,200 "In England, we find the word is often applied 851 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,760 "to a mess of re-cooked fish served for breakfast, 852 00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:09,080 "but this is inaccurate. 853 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,800 "Fish is frequently eaten WITH kedgeree but is no part of it." 854 00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:13,880 So it's... 855 00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:17,120 It now tends to be flaked haddock and a bit of cream and curry powder 856 00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:18,800 and rice and boiled egg 857 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,000 and is absolutely delicious. 858 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:22,560 But I'll give you 100 points 859 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:24,960 if you can name two traditional Italian breads. 860 00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,120 Oh, so tempting! 861 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:32,520 Well, now...ciabatta. 862 00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:35,760 - KLAXON - Oh! 863 00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:38,440 - Er... - We're already there. 864 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:42,120 Ciabatta was invented in 1982, can you believe? It's that recent. 865 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,840 - No, shut up. - Yeah, it was an Italian baker 866 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:47,600 who was worried about the threat of French baguettes, 867 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,520 and it's the Italian for...? You can redeem yourself if you know. 868 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:51,560 Baguette. 869 00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:56,360 That would be too easy, no. It's not really the shape of it. 870 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,600 - Handbag? - Well, that's closer, it's... 871 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:00,520 - Slipper. - Yes! 872 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,200 Brilliant, it was a slipper, yes. 873 00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:05,400 It was... He was Arnaldo Cavallari, was his name, 874 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:09,400 and it was a specific invention, he called it "Ciabatta Polesano", 875 00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:12,120 Polesine is a part of Northern Italy. 876 00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:13,800 So it really is very recent. 877 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:16,320 Some people claim that it was around since the '40s, 878 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,600 but there doesn't seem to be any proof of this, 879 00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:21,040 the name doesn't appear before 1982. 880 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:24,800 Now, what can you see coming out of your kettle as it boils? 881 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:26,320 VICTORIA: Vapour. 882 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:29,600 - Is the right answer. - Hooray! 883 00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:31,520 Not steam. 884 00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:34,080 - I wasn't going to say steam. - No, as if you would(!) 885 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,720 - Because steam is...? - The stuff that comes out of the kettle. 886 00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:39,080 Oh! Steam is invisible. 887 00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:41,040 - It does come out of the kettle... - Oh, really? 888 00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:42,760 ..but sometimes you see a gap, you know? 889 00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:45,400 - you get the little gap and then you see the vapour. - Oh, yeah. 890 00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:47,360 And the gap is steam, it's an invisible gas. 891 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:49,200 And as soon as it cools, even slightly, 892 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,680 it turns to water vapour, and that's the bit you see. 893 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:53,680 We call it steam, but it isn't. 894 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:55,320 Steam is actually invisible. 895 00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:56,720 Isn't that interesting? 896 00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:59,120 - Very interesting. - Thank you. So it's "VI". 897 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:01,320 I tell my children not to eat their food 898 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:03,360 till the steam's gone. 899 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,840 Now what am I going to say? 900 00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,680 But I mean, yeah, in ordinary everyday speech, things steam, 901 00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,480 and "steamy" are... You know, manure steams and... 902 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:13,880 Oh, I tell them not to eat manure as well. 903 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:16,360 Not till the steam's gone off it. 904 00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:18,720 I'm glad to hear it. 905 00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:23,720 - Did you know that in 1784 there was a Kettle War? - Wow. 906 00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:24,880 Between...? 907 00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:27,040 Oh, it was between Morphy and Richards, wasn't it? 908 00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:28,080 And in the end... 909 00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:33,960 - In the end, they joined together and... - It was all fine. 910 00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,800 It was between the Dutch and the Austrians. 911 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,520 One shot took place on the Austrian flagship - 912 00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,040 a bullet was fired by the Dutch and hit a kettle 913 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:45,720 and ricocheted off and the Austrians immediately surrendered. 914 00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:48,600 So it was known as the Kettle War. There you are. 915 00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,000 Well, we have to end now with a Knick Knack, 916 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:52,520 which I sometimes end with. 917 00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:54,320 This is... 918 00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:58,320 Ooh, this is exciting. This is a remarkable substance. 919 00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:03,240 It's called polyethylene oxide, and it's very gloopy, 920 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:06,560 and also it reacts rather excitedly under ultraviolet light. 921 00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:09,160 And, Alan and Victoria, you've got ultraviolet torches 922 00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:10,360 and you can point them at it. 923 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:12,920 I think we might have some ultraviolet light in the studio. 924 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:15,360 - Shall I point them now, sir? - Yes, please do. 925 00:41:15,360 --> 00:41:16,960 Ooh, look. See? 926 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:18,520 - Wow! - Ooh! 927 00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:19,920 Now, what I'm going to try and do, 928 00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:22,440 I'm going to stand up to do this, 929 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,960 it's a very remarkable effect. 930 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,320 The effect is, when you pour it, 931 00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:29,560 if I get it at the right angle, 932 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:33,680 it pulls itself out of the flask and into here. 933 00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:37,240 It flows uphill and out and down again. All right. 934 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:41,320 There we go. Oh, it's pulling itself up, it's pulling itself up... 935 00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:43,840 You see what I mean? It's pulling itself up from the bottom. 936 00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:47,000 If you look at the top one, it's actually flowing uphill there. 937 00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:49,680 And then it thins out into a little trail of snot. 938 00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:51,800 I'll try that again, so we'll just get a few takes. 939 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:52,840 That's like when... 940 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:56,080 It's like when you have a wee after a Berocca, isn't it, that? 941 00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:57,680 It is! 942 00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:02,160 That's exactly what it's like. 943 00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:03,440 Oh, goodness. 944 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:06,320 So disgusting. Polyethylene oxide. I don't know what else... 945 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:07,600 What's it used for? 946 00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,400 It's a very good masturbatory lubricant. 947 00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:16,880 - Particularly in the dark. - Yeah. 948 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,400 APPLAUSE 949 00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:22,920 All right, we'll try again. 950 00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,000 It's a little bit awkward getting two friends 951 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:27,080 to hold the torch, though. Isn't it? 952 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:31,360 Yeah. There we go, that's pulling itself up there nicely. 953 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,520 Excellent, there we go. Phew! 954 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,600 Thank you. 955 00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:38,240 And thank you... 956 00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:42,880 Thank you, my special ultraviolet helpers. 957 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:45,600 Well, on that exciting note, 958 00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:47,800 let's go to the scores. 959 00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:51,400 Oh, my actual goodness. 960 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:53,080 It's really remarkable. 961 00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:56,400 I'm afraid, possibly because he was booby-trapped into it, 962 00:42:56,400 --> 00:42:59,920 in last place, with -38 is Jason Manford. 963 00:42:59,920 --> 00:43:01,800 How'd that happen? 964 00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:03,720 APPLAUSE 965 00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:05,640 In a highly creditable third place, 966 00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:07,920 with -17, is Richard Osman. 967 00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:10,280 - Oh, thank you. - APPLAUSE 968 00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:11,800 Which is very impressive. 969 00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:16,320 And in second place with -7 is Victoria Wood. 970 00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:19,600 APPLAUSE 971 00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:26,040 But, scraping into a lead by one point, on -6, is Alan Davies! 972 00:43:26,040 --> 00:43:28,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 973 00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,440 Well. Put that away. 974 00:43:33,440 --> 00:43:35,080 I got points for eating that food. 975 00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:38,120 And with thanks to Victoria, Richard, Jason and Alan, 976 00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,800 it's good night! 977 00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:43,280 APPLAUSE 978 00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:46,320 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd