1 00:00:00,177 --> 00:00:02,879 NARRATOR: Kids, when your Uncle Marshall's bus broke down 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:05,160 five miles away from the Farhampton Inn, 3 00:00:05,161 --> 00:00:06,493 he made a vow. 4 00:00:06,495 --> 00:00:08,512 I can walk that far. 5 00:00:08,514 --> 00:00:12,199 Yes. It was another exciting installment of... 6 00:00:12,201 --> 00:00:18,455 MARSHALL: ♪ Marshall versus the machines 7 00:00:18,457 --> 00:00:20,707 ♪ Our hero starts his journey 8 00:00:20,709 --> 00:00:23,093 ♪ With steely-eyed resolve, but let's ♪ 9 00:00:23,095 --> 00:00:25,212 ♪ Skip ahead to later 10 00:00:25,214 --> 00:00:27,197 ♪ With a slow dissolve 11 00:00:27,199 --> 00:00:30,150 ♪ So tired, dehydrated 12 00:00:30,152 --> 00:00:33,053 ♪ Not making any sense 13 00:00:33,055 --> 00:00:36,240 ♪ But wait a second, why is Bigfoot ♪ 14 00:00:36,242 --> 00:00:38,358 ♪ Standing by that fence? 15 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:39,526 Oh. Hey. 16 00:00:39,528 --> 00:00:41,328 You didn't see this. 17 00:00:41,330 --> 00:00:44,448 ♪ I'm not hallucinating 18 00:00:44,450 --> 00:00:46,733 ♪ Bigfoot really exists 19 00:00:46,735 --> 00:00:50,570 ♪ But everyone knows he quit smoking years ago ♪ 20 00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:53,406 MARSHALL: Oh, crap. I'm losing it. 21 00:00:53,408 --> 00:00:55,909 (vehicle approaching) 22 00:00:57,095 --> 00:01:00,180 (horn honks) WOMAN: Excuse me. Hey. 23 00:01:00,182 --> 00:01:01,748 You guys need a lift? 24 00:01:01,750 --> 00:01:04,685 NARRATOR: And that's how Marshall met your mother. 25 00:01:04,710 --> 00:01:08,710 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x13 ♪ Bass Player Wanted Original Air Date on December 16, 2013 26 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:13,735 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 27 00:01:18,366 --> 00:01:20,784 This is great. The whole gang together. 28 00:01:20,786 --> 00:01:23,487 Well, almost the whole gang. 29 00:01:23,489 --> 00:01:26,573 Yeah, there's just one beloved piece of the puzzle missing. 30 00:01:28,910 --> 00:01:31,128 That bottle of 30-year Glen McKenna scotch. 31 00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:32,829 Mmm... (slurping) 32 00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:34,214 NARRATOR: So far, that weekend 33 00:01:34,216 --> 00:01:37,134 had been fatal for not just one... 34 00:01:37,136 --> 00:01:39,086 but two bottles of $600 scotch 35 00:01:39,088 --> 00:01:42,089 intended for a special wedding toast. 36 00:01:42,091 --> 00:01:44,057 Also, where the hell is Marshall? 37 00:01:44,059 --> 00:01:47,794 I still can't believe he took the judgeship behind my back. 38 00:01:47,796 --> 00:01:51,431 Look, I know this is messy, my dream versus Marshall's dream. 39 00:01:51,433 --> 00:01:53,717 I won't force you guys to choose sides. 40 00:01:53,719 --> 00:01:55,736 Good, because I totally side with Marshall. 41 00:01:55,738 --> 00:01:58,355 That would've been so awkward. 42 00:01:58,357 --> 00:02:00,657 Hey, let's go see if they have any Glen McKenna up at the bar. 43 00:02:00,659 --> 00:02:01,975 Okay. 44 00:02:01,977 --> 00:02:03,577 Hey, look, don't be mad. 45 00:02:03,579 --> 00:02:05,245 Barney just thinks that if he has a judge friend, 46 00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:08,615 he can get all of his citations for public urination thrown out. 47 00:02:08,617 --> 00:02:10,834 How often does Barney pee in public? 48 00:02:10,836 --> 00:02:13,287 A lot. 49 00:02:13,289 --> 00:02:14,838 But don't worry. 50 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,123 I'm on your side. 51 00:02:16,125 --> 00:02:17,257 Aw... (chuckles) 52 00:02:17,259 --> 00:02:19,760 What's poppin', mi amigas? 53 00:02:19,762 --> 00:02:22,329 ROBIN: Oh, boy, who's this idiot? 54 00:02:22,331 --> 00:02:26,333 LILY: And which one of us is he gonna try to make the sex on? 55 00:02:26,335 --> 00:02:28,218 You both look beautiful tonight. 56 00:02:28,220 --> 00:02:30,520 ROBIN: Bro, going for the tricycle. 57 00:02:30,522 --> 00:02:34,841 (scoffs) Can you imagine having a three-way with this creep? 58 00:02:34,843 --> 00:02:36,176 (chuckles) Yeah, right. 59 00:02:36,178 --> 00:02:37,844 You, me and this guy, 60 00:02:37,846 --> 00:02:39,730 naked, going at it. 61 00:02:39,732 --> 00:02:43,317 Then he gets tired and it's just you and me going at it. 62 00:02:43,319 --> 00:02:45,569 ROBIN: Uh, Lily... That'd be so stupid. 63 00:02:45,571 --> 00:02:48,655 So stupid... 64 00:02:48,657 --> 00:02:50,857 ROBIN: Um, okay, I'll shoot him down. 65 00:02:50,859 --> 00:02:54,161 By the way, I am so psyched for the wedding tomorrow, Robin. 66 00:02:54,163 --> 00:02:55,996 I'm truly honored that you and Barney 67 00:02:55,998 --> 00:02:57,331 asked me to be a part of it. 68 00:02:57,333 --> 00:02:59,800 We're honored... 69 00:02:59,802 --> 00:03:01,534 you're here... 70 00:03:02,470 --> 00:03:04,554 ...valued invitee. (chuckles) 71 00:03:04,556 --> 00:03:05,472 (chuckles) 72 00:03:05,474 --> 00:03:07,224 ROBIN: Help me. Who is this? 73 00:03:07,226 --> 00:03:10,344 LILY: Maybe he's one of your long-lost Canadian cousins? 74 00:03:10,346 --> 00:03:14,147 Uh, do you happen to have all of your fingers and teeth? 75 00:03:14,149 --> 00:03:16,650 Uh... yeah. (chuckles) 76 00:03:16,652 --> 00:03:18,551 ROBIN: Not one of my cousins. 77 00:03:19,654 --> 00:03:21,905 Hey, thanks again for picking us up. 78 00:03:21,907 --> 00:03:23,824 It's been a crazy couple of days. 79 00:03:23,826 --> 00:03:25,692 You can't imagine what we've been through. 80 00:03:25,694 --> 00:03:26,827 Wait, let me guess. 81 00:03:26,829 --> 00:03:29,830 You were visiting a relative, 82 00:03:29,832 --> 00:03:31,682 maybe... your mother? 83 00:03:31,684 --> 00:03:32,783 And I'm getting 84 00:03:32,785 --> 00:03:34,234 a Midwest vibe, 85 00:03:34,236 --> 00:03:35,936 somewhere like... Wisconsin... 86 00:03:35,938 --> 00:03:37,254 (scoffs) ...no, Minnesota? 87 00:03:37,256 --> 00:03:38,822 Wow. 88 00:03:38,824 --> 00:03:40,874 You're-you're, like, really good at this. 89 00:03:40,876 --> 00:03:43,576 You're planning an overseas trip with your wife. 90 00:03:43,578 --> 00:03:45,545 I'm seeing a... 91 00:03:45,547 --> 00:03:47,747 a feisty redhead who loves art. 92 00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:48,765 She just got a job 93 00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:50,183 in Europe, maybe France? 94 00:03:50,185 --> 00:03:51,584 No. Italy? 95 00:03:51,586 --> 00:03:53,186 (gasps) 96 00:03:53,188 --> 00:03:55,689 Total shot in the dark, but... 97 00:03:55,691 --> 00:03:56,890 Rome? 98 00:03:59,444 --> 00:04:01,695 Maybe I'll just, like... 99 00:04:01,697 --> 00:04:02,929 I'll get out right here. (doors lock) 100 00:04:02,931 --> 00:04:06,116 You're not going anywhere. 101 00:04:07,552 --> 00:04:08,902 No, I'm just messin' with ya. 102 00:04:08,904 --> 00:04:10,370 I rode the train with your wife. 103 00:04:10,372 --> 00:04:11,872 She told me all about you. 104 00:04:11,874 --> 00:04:13,073 You must be Marshall. 105 00:04:17,795 --> 00:04:19,296 Um... 106 00:04:19,298 --> 00:04:20,664 I was checking on the baby. 107 00:04:20,666 --> 00:04:22,132 (laughs) 108 00:04:22,134 --> 00:04:23,950 (laughing): Wait-wait a minute, wait a minute. 109 00:04:23,952 --> 00:04:25,886 So you guys both got locked out 110 00:04:25,888 --> 00:04:28,055 on the roof in your pajamas? 111 00:04:28,057 --> 00:04:31,791 You guys are hilarious and adorable! 112 00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:33,793 LILY: Any idea who this guy is? 113 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:35,645 ROBIN: No, but I like that he gets 114 00:04:35,647 --> 00:04:38,065 how hilarious and adorable we are! 115 00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:40,233 LILY: We are hilarious and adorable! 116 00:04:40,235 --> 00:04:41,985 (laughs) I'll get the next round. 117 00:04:41,987 --> 00:04:43,403 Oh, thanks. 118 00:04:43,405 --> 00:04:44,771 Thanks, Lil. 119 00:04:44,773 --> 00:04:48,241 Hey, I'm sorry if I barged in on you guys. 120 00:04:48,243 --> 00:04:49,776 I can be a little overeager 121 00:04:49,778 --> 00:04:51,778 to connect sometimes. 122 00:04:51,780 --> 00:04:53,780 Probably because of my childhood. 123 00:04:53,782 --> 00:04:55,198 Right. 124 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,584 Because of that thing that happened. 125 00:04:57,586 --> 00:04:59,319 My mother died on a hunting trip 126 00:04:59,321 --> 00:05:01,488 when I was very young. 127 00:05:01,490 --> 00:05:03,874 Yeah, that's it, that's the thing. 128 00:05:03,876 --> 00:05:05,876 Sorry, blah, too heavy! 129 00:05:05,878 --> 00:05:06,877 (chuckles) 130 00:05:06,879 --> 00:05:07,878 So, Robin. 131 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,212 What's going on... 132 00:05:09,214 --> 00:05:10,764 with you? 133 00:05:10,766 --> 00:05:12,299 Oh, nothing. 134 00:05:12,301 --> 00:05:14,134 I mean, uh, nothing big, anyway. 135 00:05:14,136 --> 00:05:15,519 Hey, hey, hey... 136 00:05:15,521 --> 00:05:18,004 this is me you're talking to. 137 00:05:19,173 --> 00:05:21,525 Well, there is this thing with Lily... 138 00:05:21,527 --> 00:05:23,059 You know, Ted, 139 00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:24,778 if you really want to get a bottle 140 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:26,696 of Glen McKenna 30-year for Barney, 141 00:05:26,698 --> 00:05:29,349 I got that last one at the Farhampton Liquor Store. 142 00:05:29,351 --> 00:05:31,618 The security there is a total joke! 143 00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:33,620 No, see, I don't want to know that. 144 00:05:33,622 --> 00:05:36,123 I won't be an accomplice to grand larceny. 145 00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:38,691 I am not confirming or denying a thing. 146 00:05:38,693 --> 00:05:40,710 But there's a really high window in the storage room 147 00:05:40,712 --> 00:05:42,028 and if you climb up... 148 00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:43,914 La la la la la, I'm not listening! 149 00:05:43,916 --> 00:05:45,215 I love Barney, 150 00:05:45,217 --> 00:05:46,666 but I'm not going to jail for him. 151 00:05:46,668 --> 00:05:48,051 What? Really? Why not? 152 00:05:48,053 --> 00:05:49,202 I'd go to jail for you. 153 00:05:49,204 --> 00:05:50,804 No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would. 154 00:05:50,806 --> 00:05:52,005 Going to jail for your best friend? 155 00:05:52,007 --> 00:05:53,056 That's the dream. 156 00:05:53,058 --> 00:05:54,207 Really? 157 00:05:54,209 --> 00:05:55,475 That's the dream? 158 00:05:55,477 --> 00:05:58,762 Yeah, it's the most noble-- nay, bro-ble-- 159 00:05:58,764 --> 00:06:00,481 thing a bro can do for a fellow bro. 160 00:06:00,506 --> 00:06:01,048 Mm-hmm. 161 00:06:01,049 --> 00:06:03,567 So yes, Ted, that's the dream. 162 00:06:03,569 --> 00:06:06,019 You're too liberal with the phrase "That's the dream." 163 00:06:06,021 --> 00:06:07,571 Name one other time I've said that! 164 00:06:07,573 --> 00:06:09,823 A suit made of prosciutto so you can eat your way naked, 165 00:06:09,825 --> 00:06:10,874 "That's the dream." 166 00:06:10,876 --> 00:06:13,076 A pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus, 167 00:06:13,078 --> 00:06:14,194 "That's the dream." 168 00:06:14,196 --> 00:06:15,162 Being able to take 169 00:06:15,164 --> 00:06:16,413 a whole year's worth of dumps 170 00:06:16,415 --> 00:06:17,998 in one, nonstop 24-hour period 171 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,166 then not having to dump again 172 00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:20,116 for the rest of the year, 173 00:06:20,118 --> 00:06:21,418 "That's the dream." 174 00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:23,903 I never said Dump Day was the dream. 175 00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:26,373 I said science is this close to a pill. 176 00:06:26,375 --> 00:06:28,408 There can only be one "the dream"! 177 00:06:28,410 --> 00:06:30,577 You're saying it's going to jail for a bro? 178 00:06:30,579 --> 00:06:31,761 You're comfortable with that being 179 00:06:31,763 --> 00:06:33,547 the one and only dream, forever? 180 00:06:34,382 --> 00:06:35,549 Yes. 181 00:06:35,551 --> 00:06:37,917 Great, now you can never use that phrase again. 182 00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:39,919 And for me, that's the dream. 183 00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:42,389 Hey, Lily, Robin just told me about Italy! 184 00:06:42,391 --> 00:06:44,924 Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great. 185 00:06:44,926 --> 00:06:47,360 Well, that is, if I can convince my husband 186 00:06:47,362 --> 00:06:49,229 to keep his promise and move there with me. 187 00:06:49,231 --> 00:06:50,647 Robin, I know 188 00:06:50,649 --> 00:06:52,482 you told me you want Marshall to win, 189 00:06:52,484 --> 00:06:53,433 but I don't know. 190 00:06:53,435 --> 00:06:55,452 I gotta side with Lily on this one. 191 00:06:55,454 --> 00:06:56,620 Later, skaters. 192 00:07:00,441 --> 00:07:02,826 Thanks again for saving us. 193 00:07:02,828 --> 00:07:04,777 Well, I don't normally stop like that, 194 00:07:04,779 --> 00:07:07,780 but I just had to for the cutest hitchhiker in the world! 195 00:07:07,782 --> 00:07:09,966 Thank you. 196 00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,885 Oh, you were talking about Marvin. 197 00:07:11,887 --> 00:07:15,055 (coos) Sorry, it's been a really, really long day. 198 00:07:15,057 --> 00:07:16,840 When we get there, I'll buy you a drink. 199 00:07:16,842 --> 00:07:19,959 Thank you, but, um, after I drop you off, 200 00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:22,262 I'm heading back to the city. 201 00:07:22,264 --> 00:07:23,346 What? I thought you said that 202 00:07:23,348 --> 00:07:24,397 your-your band's playing the wedding. 203 00:07:24,399 --> 00:07:25,432 Why are you leaving? 204 00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:26,633 The lead singer. 205 00:07:26,635 --> 00:07:27,734 He's the devil. 206 00:07:27,736 --> 00:07:29,185 He's a total fire-starter. 207 00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:30,320 He just ruins people's lives 208 00:07:30,322 --> 00:07:31,855 for his own amusement. 209 00:07:31,857 --> 00:07:33,806 You know, he will walk up to two friends, 210 00:07:33,808 --> 00:07:35,525 he will find the one thing 211 00:07:35,527 --> 00:07:38,662 that will destroy their friendship and just-- poof!-- 212 00:07:38,664 --> 00:07:40,330 burn it to the ground. 213 00:07:40,332 --> 00:07:41,615 Wow. 214 00:07:41,617 --> 00:07:42,916 What's his name? 215 00:07:44,368 --> 00:07:45,835 What's poppin', mi amigos? 216 00:07:45,837 --> 00:07:47,504 THE MOTHER: Darren. 217 00:07:50,662 --> 00:07:52,385 You're rooting for Marshall?! 218 00:07:52,386 --> 00:07:54,336 Well, why don't you just get 219 00:07:54,338 --> 00:07:55,537 a Team Marshall T-shirt? 220 00:07:55,539 --> 00:07:56,539 What size are you? 221 00:07:56,541 --> 00:07:57,573 Extra-traitor? 222 00:07:57,575 --> 00:07:59,408 No. No, okay... 223 00:07:59,410 --> 00:08:01,527 What I said was... 224 00:08:01,529 --> 00:08:03,429 See, all I meant was... 225 00:08:03,431 --> 00:08:04,763 God, how did we get here? 226 00:08:04,765 --> 00:08:07,099 That's the question you're left asking yourself. 227 00:08:07,101 --> 00:08:08,751 So here's how he does it: 228 00:08:08,753 --> 00:08:11,403 First, he makes you feel like you are 229 00:08:11,405 --> 00:08:12,738 the most hilarious 230 00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:15,057 and adorable person in the world... 231 00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,575 You guys are hilarious 232 00:08:16,577 --> 00:08:17,776 and adorable! 233 00:08:17,778 --> 00:08:19,394 TED: I like that he gets 234 00:08:19,396 --> 00:08:21,497 how hilarious and adorable we are. 235 00:08:21,499 --> 00:08:23,833 BARNEY: We are hilarious and adorable. 236 00:08:23,835 --> 00:08:25,367 (laughing) 237 00:08:25,369 --> 00:08:27,569 Next, he finds some flimsy connection with you 238 00:08:27,571 --> 00:08:28,821 based on where you're from... 239 00:08:28,823 --> 00:08:29,922 Cleveland? Yeah. 240 00:08:29,924 --> 00:08:31,590 Galluci's serves the 241 00:08:31,592 --> 00:08:32,791 best pepperoni bread! Best pepperoni bread! 242 00:08:32,793 --> 00:08:34,510 And Staten Island! 243 00:08:34,512 --> 00:08:37,012 Guys getting in fights on their front lawns! 244 00:08:37,014 --> 00:08:38,848 It's like you're from there! 245 00:08:38,850 --> 00:08:40,249 (laughing) 246 00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,218 TED: This guy's awesome! 247 00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:43,853 BARNEY: So awesome! 248 00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:45,521 TED: I'd totally go to jail for him. 249 00:08:45,523 --> 00:08:48,090 BARNEY: That hurts. 250 00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:51,610 Next, he tells you a "deep personal secret" 251 00:08:51,612 --> 00:08:53,262 that is usually the tragic back-story 252 00:08:53,264 --> 00:08:54,563 from an animated kid's film. 253 00:08:54,565 --> 00:08:57,149 My mother died on a hunting trip. 254 00:08:57,151 --> 00:08:58,651 It's often Bambi. 255 00:08:58,653 --> 00:09:01,070 My father was betrayed and killed 256 00:09:01,072 --> 00:09:03,072 by a trusted advisor. 257 00:09:03,074 --> 00:09:05,791 Sometimes he'll throw a little Lion King in there. 258 00:09:05,793 --> 00:09:07,877 I have no family. 259 00:09:07,879 --> 00:09:09,662 But tonight... 260 00:09:09,664 --> 00:09:11,613 I think maybe I found two brothers. 261 00:09:11,615 --> 00:09:13,282 (sobs) 262 00:09:13,284 --> 00:09:15,384 Sorry, blah, too heavy. 263 00:09:15,386 --> 00:09:16,552 (crying): That's okay, man. 264 00:09:16,554 --> 00:09:18,337 (crying): Let me get you a drink. 265 00:09:18,339 --> 00:09:20,289 THE MOTHER: And then, once your guard is down, 266 00:09:20,291 --> 00:09:23,125 the emotional prostate exam begins... 267 00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:24,059 So, Ted, 268 00:09:24,061 --> 00:09:26,628 what's going on... with you? 269 00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:29,765 Well... I mean, there was this thing... 270 00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,133 Never mind. 271 00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:32,568 Hey, hey, hey... 272 00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:34,737 This is me you're talking to. 273 00:09:36,823 --> 00:09:38,473 Look, all I meant 274 00:09:38,475 --> 00:09:40,475 was that there are two sides here. 275 00:09:40,477 --> 00:09:41,443 Yes, 276 00:09:41,445 --> 00:09:43,279 Italy is your dream, 277 00:09:43,281 --> 00:09:44,813 but being a judge is Marshall's. 278 00:09:44,815 --> 00:09:45,831 Well, that 279 00:09:45,833 --> 00:09:46,865 and teaching prop comedy 280 00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:47,866 to a tropical bird. 281 00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:50,452 Parrot Top has nothing to do with this! 282 00:09:50,454 --> 00:09:52,371 I don't need objectivity. 283 00:09:52,373 --> 00:09:55,374 You're my best friend, I just need your support. 284 00:09:55,376 --> 00:09:57,042 I understand. You got it. 285 00:09:57,044 --> 00:09:58,427 (sighs) I'm sorry. 286 00:09:58,429 --> 00:09:59,494 Oh, me, too. 287 00:09:59,496 --> 00:10:00,846 Forgot my phone. 288 00:10:00,848 --> 00:10:02,998 I'm sorry, you guys are probably talking wedding details. 289 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,850 I mean, no maid of honor's gonna steal the spotlight 290 00:10:04,852 --> 00:10:06,018 with her own problem 291 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,303 on the bride's big weekend, am I right? 292 00:10:07,305 --> 00:10:09,021 Keep it real, homies! 293 00:10:12,275 --> 00:10:13,275 You know, he is right. 294 00:10:13,277 --> 00:10:15,110 Why is this all about you? 295 00:10:15,112 --> 00:10:16,395 I mean, you have been preoccupied 296 00:10:16,397 --> 00:10:17,646 with Marshall all weekend. 297 00:10:17,648 --> 00:10:18,948 I have not! 298 00:10:18,950 --> 00:10:21,016 You have been sleeping with a doll made of cushions 299 00:10:21,018 --> 00:10:22,351 that you named after him. 300 00:10:22,353 --> 00:10:23,685 Not true! 301 00:10:23,687 --> 00:10:24,737 After we do our business, 302 00:10:24,739 --> 00:10:26,405 I make Marshpillow sleep on the couch! 303 00:10:26,407 --> 00:10:28,690 So there! Oh, my God, that is so ridiculous! 304 00:10:28,692 --> 00:10:29,842 So, what did Darren do to you? 305 00:10:29,844 --> 00:10:32,411 Well, a few years ago, I started this band. 306 00:10:32,413 --> 00:10:33,996 And, you know, it was a goof-- 307 00:10:33,998 --> 00:10:37,249 it was just me and a couple of dorks from business school. 308 00:10:37,251 --> 00:10:39,868 I'm actually embarrassed to tell you our name. 309 00:10:39,870 --> 00:10:41,337 I had an all-lawyer funk band 310 00:10:41,339 --> 00:10:43,806 called The Funk, The Whole Funk, And Nothing But The Funk. 311 00:10:43,808 --> 00:10:46,392 Oh, I now feel very safe talking about my band-- 312 00:10:46,394 --> 00:10:47,593 Super-Freak-Onomics. 313 00:10:47,595 --> 00:10:49,478 Nice. (laughs) Anyway, 314 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,981 I brought Darren in to split lead vocals, 315 00:10:51,983 --> 00:10:53,399 and he took over. 316 00:10:53,401 --> 00:10:55,317 You know, first he took away my solos, 317 00:10:55,319 --> 00:10:57,019 then I got demoted to backup vocals, 318 00:10:57,021 --> 00:10:59,271 and now the only time I use a mic 319 00:10:59,273 --> 00:11:02,074 is after Darren's first false exit, when I say, 320 00:11:02,076 --> 00:11:04,109 "Do you guys want more Darren?" 321 00:11:04,111 --> 00:11:05,361 And then today, 322 00:11:05,363 --> 00:11:08,280 I found this ad online. 323 00:11:08,282 --> 00:11:10,732 "Ass player wanted"? 324 00:11:10,734 --> 00:11:11,583 Move your thumb. 325 00:11:11,585 --> 00:11:13,502 Oh, "bass player wanted." 326 00:11:13,504 --> 00:11:16,121 Wait, he was gonna kick you out of your own band? 327 00:11:16,123 --> 00:11:17,456 Yeah. 328 00:11:17,458 --> 00:11:20,542 But instead...I quit. 329 00:11:20,544 --> 00:11:22,577 You quit?! That's it? 330 00:11:22,579 --> 00:11:25,014 But it's your band-- you must be avenged! 331 00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:26,548 (laughs): Funny you should say that, 332 00:11:26,550 --> 00:11:29,802 because as I was leaving the hotel, I ran into someone. 333 00:11:29,804 --> 00:11:33,639 You need to steal this douche monkey's van. 334 00:11:33,641 --> 00:11:36,025 Aldrin Justice, nice! 335 00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:37,926 Your wife is cool. 336 00:11:37,928 --> 00:11:40,029 Oh, the coolest. 337 00:11:40,864 --> 00:11:42,597 Hey, did she, um, happen to mention 338 00:11:42,599 --> 00:11:44,099 the fact that I'm sort of ruining 339 00:11:44,101 --> 00:11:45,567 her dream of moving to Italy? 340 00:11:45,569 --> 00:11:48,353 Uh, yeah, that did come up. 341 00:11:48,355 --> 00:11:51,740 You need to steal this douche monkey's van. 342 00:11:52,325 --> 00:11:53,775 And then run 343 00:11:53,777 --> 00:11:56,045 my husband over with it. 344 00:11:56,047 --> 00:11:58,497 I think you've got a tough talk coming. 345 00:11:58,499 --> 00:11:59,965 Yeah, well, so do you. 346 00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:01,917 When we get to the Farhampton Inn, 347 00:12:01,919 --> 00:12:03,785 you're gonna go in there and you're gonna stand up to Darren. 348 00:12:03,787 --> 00:12:06,422 Oh, come on, I Aldrin Justiced him. 349 00:12:06,424 --> 00:12:07,956 Yeah, but I bet you're just gonna give 350 00:12:07,958 --> 00:12:09,758 this van right back to him. 351 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,777 I mean, were you at least gonna pee in it a little? 352 00:12:11,779 --> 00:12:15,564 I was gonna gas it up and get it washed. 353 00:12:15,566 --> 00:12:17,266 You're too nice. 354 00:12:17,268 --> 00:12:18,901 I'm the same way. 355 00:12:18,903 --> 00:12:20,769 Sometimes you got to get in there 356 00:12:20,771 --> 00:12:21,904 and-and stand up for yourself. 357 00:12:21,906 --> 00:12:24,823 I always cave and side with the other person. 358 00:12:24,825 --> 00:12:26,742 I can't handle confrontation. 359 00:12:26,744 --> 00:12:27,809 Yes, you can. 360 00:12:27,811 --> 00:12:29,278 You make some good points. 361 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,163 Look. 362 00:12:31,165 --> 00:12:34,099 I don't know you, but I can tell that you're strong. 363 00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,502 That's your band. 364 00:12:36,504 --> 00:12:38,871 Don't let Darren steal it away. 365 00:12:39,989 --> 00:12:41,123 (sighs) 366 00:12:41,125 --> 00:12:43,092 No, there's no defeating the devil. 367 00:12:43,094 --> 00:12:45,660 He's someone else's problem now. 368 00:12:46,563 --> 00:12:48,163 I'm sorry if I've been 369 00:12:48,165 --> 00:12:49,515 distracted this weekend. 370 00:12:49,517 --> 00:12:51,850 Oh, let's not fight anymore, okay? 371 00:12:51,852 --> 00:12:54,520 Oh, good, Robin, you finally told Lily 372 00:12:54,522 --> 00:12:55,888 you feel like she's abandoning you as a friend 373 00:12:55,890 --> 00:12:56,839 by going to Italy. 374 00:12:56,841 --> 00:12:59,892 Honesty is progress. Stay gold. 375 00:13:00,944 --> 00:13:02,311 I'm not... 376 00:13:02,313 --> 00:13:03,779 Ooh, Ted. (indistinct chatter) 377 00:13:03,781 --> 00:13:04,781 When you move to Chicago, 378 00:13:04,782 --> 00:13:07,366 you got to try Gazzola's pizza. 379 00:13:07,368 --> 00:13:08,683 Namaste, hermanos. 380 00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:16,624 You're moving to Chicago? 381 00:13:16,882 --> 00:13:19,532 Is that even a real place? 382 00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:21,068 It's a style of pizza. 383 00:13:21,070 --> 00:13:22,869 Ted, you can't live in a pizza. 384 00:13:22,871 --> 00:13:24,921 I got an amazing job offer there. 385 00:13:24,923 --> 00:13:27,274 Look, Lily knows, but Marshall and Robin don't. 386 00:13:27,276 --> 00:13:28,608 So please keep it quiet. 387 00:13:28,610 --> 00:13:31,895 (loudly): You're moving to Chicago?! 388 00:13:31,897 --> 00:13:35,381 He-he's moving to Chicago! 389 00:13:35,383 --> 00:13:36,767 When do you move? 390 00:13:36,769 --> 00:13:39,436 At least tell me it's not until next year or something. 391 00:13:39,438 --> 00:13:42,405 It's not until... 392 00:13:42,407 --> 00:13:43,556 Monday. 393 00:13:43,558 --> 00:13:45,859 Monday?! 394 00:13:45,861 --> 00:13:49,362 So you are just gonna disappear the day after my wedding? 395 00:13:49,364 --> 00:13:52,165 After ten years of being best friends? 396 00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:53,769 Well, actually, Marshall's my... Don't even think about it! 397 00:13:53,770 --> 00:13:54,559 That's fair enough. 398 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,782 You are gonna give me one day's notice? 399 00:13:57,256 --> 00:14:00,073 Well, I didn't want to upset you on your wedding weekend. 400 00:14:00,075 --> 00:14:01,458 No, it's good. 401 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,592 It'll be easy to say good-bye 402 00:14:02,594 --> 00:14:04,511 now that I know how much I mean to you. 403 00:14:04,513 --> 00:14:06,930 Well... (sighs) 404 00:14:08,766 --> 00:14:10,851 (door closes) (footsteps approach) 405 00:14:10,853 --> 00:14:12,435 Hey. 406 00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:14,304 Hey. 407 00:14:14,306 --> 00:14:15,722 Look, I was... 408 00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,058 I was never really rooting for Marshall. 409 00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:21,144 I was rooting to not lose my best friend. 410 00:14:22,146 --> 00:14:23,930 But that's selfish. 411 00:14:23,932 --> 00:14:25,565 No matter where you go, 412 00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:27,818 I'm in your corner and I always will be. 413 00:14:28,569 --> 00:14:29,820 And to prove it... 414 00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,442 What are you gonna do with Marshpillow? 415 00:14:36,444 --> 00:14:37,627 Hold his arms back 416 00:14:37,629 --> 00:14:40,113 while you beat the goose down out of this bastard. 417 00:14:40,115 --> 00:14:42,799 Because that's what best friends do. 418 00:14:42,801 --> 00:14:44,668 Thanks, it-it's not gonna help. 419 00:14:44,670 --> 00:14:46,253 Try it. One punch. 420 00:14:49,423 --> 00:14:51,641 Ooh, that felt good. 421 00:14:51,643 --> 00:14:52,843 Mm-hmm. 422 00:14:52,845 --> 00:14:54,127 (grunting) Yeah, that's it, sweetheart. 423 00:14:54,129 --> 00:14:57,630 Head, body, head. Head, body, head. 424 00:15:00,017 --> 00:15:01,985 Barney, wait, wait! 425 00:15:01,987 --> 00:15:03,403 Your friendship is important to me. 426 00:15:03,405 --> 00:15:04,938 I swear on my mother's... 427 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,306 No, I swear to God. 428 00:15:06,308 --> 00:15:08,074 No... I swear to Hef. 429 00:15:08,076 --> 00:15:10,493 (gasps) Don't take that name in vain. 430 00:15:10,495 --> 00:15:14,281 If someone is important to you, you tell them you're moving. 431 00:15:14,283 --> 00:15:17,751 I'm just some guy you used to know back in New York. 432 00:15:17,753 --> 00:15:19,502 Hey. 433 00:15:22,290 --> 00:15:23,790 Whoa. 434 00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:25,292 How...? 435 00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:35,135 That's a $600 bottle. 436 00:15:35,137 --> 00:15:37,337 Ted, that's grand larceny. 437 00:15:37,339 --> 00:15:39,306 You really could go to jail for this. 438 00:15:39,308 --> 00:15:42,392 That's the dream. 439 00:15:42,394 --> 00:15:44,895 So... 440 00:15:44,897 --> 00:15:46,663 you're moving to Chicago. 441 00:15:46,665 --> 00:15:49,182 I'm going to Chicago. 442 00:15:49,184 --> 00:15:50,984 Why? I know Marshall and Lily might leave, 443 00:15:50,986 --> 00:15:52,852 but it's only a year, and in the meantime, 444 00:15:52,854 --> 00:15:54,537 we'll still see each other all the time. 445 00:15:54,539 --> 00:15:55,906 You, me, Robin... 446 00:15:58,242 --> 00:16:00,460 Oh. 447 00:16:02,696 --> 00:16:04,881 I need a new start. 448 00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:08,368 I'm gonna miss you. 449 00:16:08,370 --> 00:16:10,387 I'm gonna miss you so much. 450 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,092 Well, here we are. 451 00:16:16,094 --> 00:16:17,227 Good luck in there. 452 00:16:17,229 --> 00:16:18,428 Thank you. 453 00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:20,046 And don't worry, 454 00:16:20,048 --> 00:16:21,348 at the reception, I'll yell, 455 00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:23,600 "The lead singer sucks skunk junk," 456 00:16:23,602 --> 00:16:24,901 after every song. 457 00:16:24,903 --> 00:16:25,936 (laughing) 458 00:16:25,938 --> 00:16:26,886 I'll come up with something 459 00:16:26,888 --> 00:16:28,521 better than "skunk junk." 460 00:16:28,523 --> 00:16:29,489 No, no. 461 00:16:29,491 --> 00:16:31,875 "Skunk junk" is pretty solid. 462 00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:36,246 You can't yell that at the lead singer. 463 00:16:36,248 --> 00:16:39,582 Because I don't suck skunk junk. 464 00:16:39,584 --> 00:16:41,284 Wait, are you saying...? 465 00:16:41,286 --> 00:16:43,787 I'm coming in. Darren and I are gonna have a chat 466 00:16:43,789 --> 00:16:45,672 about my band! 467 00:16:45,674 --> 00:16:47,123 (whoops) 468 00:16:47,125 --> 00:16:49,376 MARVIN: Skunk junk. 469 00:16:51,462 --> 00:16:55,432 For the record... Uh-huh. 470 00:16:55,434 --> 00:16:57,384 his first word 471 00:16:57,386 --> 00:16:59,135 was "Mommy." 472 00:16:59,137 --> 00:17:00,337 Mm-hmm. 473 00:17:00,339 --> 00:17:03,189 This is my band. I started it. 474 00:17:03,191 --> 00:17:06,977 And if anyone is getting fired here, it's you, Darren. 475 00:17:06,979 --> 00:17:08,445 So hit the bricks, 476 00:17:08,447 --> 00:17:10,196 s-skunk... 477 00:17:10,198 --> 00:17:12,032 junk. 478 00:17:12,034 --> 00:17:14,384 Is that even a little bit intimidating? 479 00:17:14,386 --> 00:17:16,703 Nope, and the knitting's not helping. 480 00:17:16,705 --> 00:17:19,706 I'm sorry, I just met this baby and he needs a hat. 481 00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,708 What... (stammers) You can't fire Darren. 482 00:17:21,710 --> 00:17:24,711 He gets how hilarious and adorable I am. 483 00:17:24,713 --> 00:17:27,080 Plus it is so inspiring 484 00:17:27,082 --> 00:17:30,834 how he overcame his mother being eaten by a barracuda. 485 00:17:30,836 --> 00:17:32,886 Gah! It's Finding Nemo. 486 00:17:32,888 --> 00:17:34,187 (sighs) 487 00:17:34,189 --> 00:17:35,472 That's new. 488 00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:39,392 There's no defeating the devil. 489 00:17:39,394 --> 00:17:41,461 New plan. Linus, if at any point 490 00:17:41,463 --> 00:17:43,463 tonight you see me with an empty glass... 491 00:17:43,465 --> 00:17:44,630 Kennedy package. 492 00:17:44,632 --> 00:17:46,349 It's a very popular choice this weekend. 493 00:17:46,351 --> 00:17:48,234 Thank you, Linus. 494 00:17:48,236 --> 00:17:50,470 (grunting) Yup. 495 00:17:51,522 --> 00:17:54,240 Uh, Lily? 496 00:17:54,242 --> 00:17:56,309 Lily. 497 00:17:56,311 --> 00:17:57,911 MARSHALL: Lily. 498 00:18:10,141 --> 00:18:12,008 Pause? 499 00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:14,344 Pause. 500 00:18:17,048 --> 00:18:19,265 Hi. 501 00:18:24,138 --> 00:18:25,505 Thank you, Linus. 502 00:18:25,507 --> 00:18:27,390 Mm-hmm. 503 00:18:27,392 --> 00:18:30,009 There are real villains in this world. 504 00:18:30,011 --> 00:18:33,947 But they don't always get real justice, do they? 505 00:18:33,949 --> 00:18:36,583 You want to believe karma's gonna get them. 506 00:18:36,585 --> 00:18:38,017 All right, who wants a drink? 507 00:18:38,019 --> 00:18:39,069 I'm stealing. 508 00:18:39,071 --> 00:18:41,020 (all cheer) 509 00:18:41,022 --> 00:18:43,623 But karma doesn't 510 00:18:43,625 --> 00:18:45,208 always come through. 511 00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:47,077 I love how strong your marriage is. 512 00:18:47,079 --> 00:18:48,578 And you don't need to lose weight, Louise, 513 00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:50,196 no matter what he told me. 514 00:18:50,198 --> 00:18:52,298 Catch you on the flip-flop, muchachos. 515 00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:54,167 Oh! (groans) 516 00:18:54,169 --> 00:18:55,335 (short laugh) 517 00:18:55,337 --> 00:18:57,170 Sorry, mi amigos. 518 00:18:57,172 --> 00:19:00,540 I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life... 519 00:19:01,759 --> 00:19:04,010 ...you just don't get that knockout punch. 520 00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,044 (loud punch) 521 00:19:05,046 --> 00:19:07,931 (loud grunt) 522 00:19:10,684 --> 00:19:12,435 (all laughing) 523 00:19:12,437 --> 00:19:13,886 Hey, can I get some ice? 524 00:19:13,888 --> 00:19:16,573 The best man just punched me in the face for no reason. 525 00:19:16,575 --> 00:19:17,557 (laughs) 526 00:19:17,559 --> 00:19:19,526 Oh, what, that's funny to you? 527 00:19:19,528 --> 00:19:20,726 You know what? I quit. 528 00:19:20,728 --> 00:19:22,545 You can have your stupid band back. 529 00:19:22,547 --> 00:19:26,616 I miss being in a band where people are decent to each other 530 00:19:26,618 --> 00:19:28,168 and there's no drama. 531 00:19:28,170 --> 00:19:30,420 I'm going back to the new Guns N' Roses. 532 00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:34,740 Linus, whoever that best man is, 533 00:19:34,742 --> 00:19:38,011 I would like to buy him a double of your finest scotch. 534 00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:40,580 ♪ You started a band 535 00:19:40,582 --> 00:19:43,583 ♪ That was cool for a while 536 00:19:43,585 --> 00:19:46,069 ♪ But it turned pretty bland 537 00:19:46,071 --> 00:19:49,522 ♪ I started a fight 538 00:19:49,524 --> 00:19:51,774 ♪ With a neighbor next door 539 00:19:51,776 --> 00:19:54,444 ♪ And his pesky wife... 540 00:19:54,446 --> 00:19:56,146 Here you go. 541 00:19:56,148 --> 00:19:58,097 Is this from one of you guys? 542 00:19:58,099 --> 00:19:59,782 Nah. Uh-uh. No. 543 00:19:59,784 --> 00:20:01,451 Okay. 544 00:20:01,453 --> 00:20:03,369 ♪ And hate even more when you're not ♪ 545 00:20:03,371 --> 00:20:04,787 Well... this is incredible. 546 00:20:04,789 --> 00:20:05,771 What is this? 547 00:20:05,773 --> 00:20:07,940 It's the Glen McKenna 35-year. 548 00:20:07,942 --> 00:20:09,909 Wait a minute. 549 00:20:09,911 --> 00:20:12,278 This whole time, you had Glen McKenna 35-year? 550 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:13,713 Why didn't you say something? 551 00:20:13,715 --> 00:20:15,448 You didn't ask about the 35. 552 00:20:15,450 --> 00:20:17,782 NARRATOR: And, kids, that's the first drink 553 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,116 your mother ever bought me. 554 00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:24,118 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 555 00:20:24,905 --> 00:20:28,482 Hey, Barney, I'm so sorry I missed your rehearsal dinner. 556 00:20:28,858 --> 00:20:30,424 Oh, that's okay. 557 00:20:30,426 --> 00:20:33,861 We didn't even know you weren't here, jerk. 558 00:20:33,863 --> 00:20:35,780 Listen, I know that I can't make up for being late, 559 00:20:35,782 --> 00:20:37,732 but I did get you a-a special gift. 560 00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:39,651 Well, hand it over, fathead. 561 00:20:39,653 --> 00:20:41,703 Well, you might want to wait until after the wedding photos. 562 00:20:41,705 --> 00:20:44,322 Hand it over now, travel breath. 563 00:20:44,324 --> 00:20:46,574 Okay, Barney, I'll hand it over. 564 00:20:47,442 --> 00:20:48,793 Oh, God, it's the fourth slap! 565 00:20:48,795 --> 00:20:50,411 I don't know why I was so obnoxious.