1
00:00:00,635 --> 00:00:03,379
FRANK: Kirstie is taped
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,666 --> 00:00:06,866
Morning, Thelma.
What are you doing?
3
00:00:06,867 --> 00:00:09,943
Scratch-offs.
It's my only ticket outta here.
4
00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:15,535
That's it, I quit. That woman
no understand "no" means "no."
5
00:00:15,536 --> 00:00:19,057
- I was reaching for the pepper mill.
- In my pants?
6
00:00:19,505 --> 00:00:21,839
I don't know
where you keep it!
7
00:00:22,630 --> 00:00:26,187
Thanks for playing
"You've Been Groped by a Celebrity."
8
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:32,376
- I really am gonna miss his sticky buns.
- Yeah, you and me both.
9
00:00:33,630 --> 00:00:36,750
Hey, Maddie, uh, do you feel
like maybe hanging out today?
10
00:00:36,751 --> 00:00:39,254
I saw there's
a street art exhibit at Moma.
11
00:00:39,255 --> 00:00:41,813
Or, Prada is having
a big handbag sale.
12
00:00:41,814 --> 00:00:44,379
Doesn't that sound, like,
a thousand times funner?
13
00:00:44,567 --> 00:00:47,402
That doesn't even sound
two times funner.
14
00:00:48,630 --> 00:00:52,629
Hey, the lobby is crawling with paparazzi.
They thought I was Roberto Benigni.
15
00:00:52,630 --> 00:00:56,090
They're not gonna go away until they
get a glimpse of their Madison Banks.
16
00:00:56,104 --> 00:00:59,041
Damn you,
life in a fishbowl.
17
00:00:59,166 --> 00:01:01,629
Thelma, go out and tell them that
they can only have two photos,
18
00:01:01,630 --> 00:01:03,448
- ...and then they've got to leave.
- Oh, my God.
19
00:01:03,449 --> 00:01:06,630
Oh, my God, three cherries!
You go tell 'em, Banks.
20
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,206
I'm free!
21
00:01:09,037 --> 00:01:11,441
Um, that's actually
an apple.
22
00:01:11,784 --> 00:01:14,110
Two photos.
Right away, boss.
23
00:01:14,111 --> 00:01:16,150
No, no, no, no, no.
They're not even here for you.
24
00:01:16,151 --> 00:01:18,692
Kathy Griffin is looking
at the penthouse next door.
25
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,449
Kathy Griffin?
26
00:01:20,630 --> 00:01:23,630
That publicity-starved troll?
27
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,152
She is awesome.
28
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:31,175
Anyone who can make Ryan Seacrest cry
is okay in my book.
29
00:01:32,261 --> 00:01:35,260
I can't believe Kathy Griffin
might be our neighbor.
30
00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,698
You see?
Even Arlo is outraged.
31
00:01:37,862 --> 00:01:42,494
Outraged? No, I love her.
And why are you so upset?
32
00:01:42,495 --> 00:01:45,635
Oh, is it because
she's a bigger star than you?
33
00:01:48,261 --> 00:01:52,252
And with that, little Arlo was
given up for adoption a second time.
34
00:01:54,261 --> 00:01:57,260
[Upbeat jazz music]
35
00:01:57,261 --> 00:02:00,118
♪
36
00:02:00,179 --> 00:02:02,997
Season 1, Episode 5
"The Girl Next Door"
37
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:05,998
Synced by Reef
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:02:05,999 --> 00:02:08,690
How long can a normal person
look at an empty apartment?
39
00:02:08,691 --> 00:02:11,541
I wouldn't know.
I don't work with the normal.
40
00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:30,210
Well, look at that. Been here five
minutes, already I have a stalker.
41
00:02:31,304 --> 00:02:33,725
I'm sorry. You probably
didn't recognize me.
42
00:02:33,765 --> 00:02:38,466
- Madison Banks, theatrical legend.
- Kathy Griffin, today's news.
43
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:40,006
Ah.
44
00:02:40,007 --> 00:02:41,510
Yes. I know
who you are.
45
00:02:41,511 --> 00:02:44,998
You're the one who got famous
making fun of the actual famous.
46
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:47,412
All the way to the bank, bitch.
[Elevator dings]
47
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,870
Oh, my God,
I love you!
48
00:02:51,871 --> 00:02:53,404
- Love you, too, baby.
- Thank you.
49
00:02:53,405 --> 00:02:55,601
Uh, not you, you.
50
00:02:55,602 --> 00:02:58,843
Kathy Griffin, I've seen your show,
like, so many times.
51
00:02:58,844 --> 00:03:00,849
You and your boyfriend?
52
00:03:01,753 --> 00:03:04,200
- No, I'm straight.
- You're the one!
53
00:03:05,370 --> 00:03:07,488
This is my son, Arlo.
54
00:03:08,315 --> 00:03:11,732
We were just reunited,
and now we're inseparable.
55
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:16,115
He's just so excited
that I am a Broadway star.
56
00:03:16,753 --> 00:03:19,182
Actually,
I'd never heard of her.
57
00:03:20,065 --> 00:03:23,014
Maddie, you've gotta get a picture
of me and Kathy Griffin.
58
00:03:23,015 --> 00:03:25,041
Sure. Just make sure
you post it everywhere.
59
00:03:25,042 --> 00:03:26,262
Okay.
60
00:03:28,573 --> 00:03:30,109
Oh, my God,
that's awesome.
61
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,923
I've gotta show Thelma and Frank,
and put this up on Facebook.
62
00:03:32,924 --> 00:03:36,904
Yeah. It probably won't get as many
likes as the one of me with my Tony.
63
00:03:38,079 --> 00:03:40,752
He's just always talking
about me and my Tony award.
64
00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:44,239
Oh, for
"Best Performance by a..."
65
00:03:44,261 --> 00:03:46,149
I'm gonna try...
"Woman"?
66
00:03:47,163 --> 00:03:49,354
Anyway, I'm gonna meet
with my real estate agent.
67
00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,229
I'm gonna put in an offer
on this place.
68
00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:53,993
Oh, so you're thinking
about buying this apartment?
69
00:03:54,293 --> 00:03:58,465
Well, you know what? The forensics team
did a great job in cleaning it up.
70
00:03:59,753 --> 00:04:03,865
You know, they managed to scrub
"I'll be back" off the bedroom wall.
71
00:04:04,284 --> 00:04:07,283
Oh, so much death...
72
00:04:07,962 --> 00:04:11,176
Well, if you're gonna be murdered,
you might as well have a park view.
73
00:04:12,088 --> 00:04:15,135
- Well, it's your funeral, Kathy Griffin.
- Mmhmm.
74
00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:18,107
And I thought Mariah Carey
was the crazy one.
75
00:04:19,557 --> 00:04:21,556
Kathy Griffin
is gonna take the apartment.
76
00:04:21,557 --> 00:04:24,246
Now I'll become the butt
of every joke in her act.
77
00:04:24,247 --> 00:04:29,000
Relax. 400 famous people would have
to die for you to end up in her act.
78
00:04:33,536 --> 00:04:37,075
Are you sure I can't offer anyone
any champagne, or caviar?
79
00:04:37,145 --> 00:04:41,288
- It's 10:00 in the morning.
- I have 10:15.
80
00:04:42,598 --> 00:04:45,472
So, Ms. Banks,
what's this so-called emergency?
81
00:04:45,473 --> 00:04:48,582
As heads of the co-op board,
we don't normally make house calls.
82
00:04:48,583 --> 00:04:50,302
I hear you.
83
00:04:53,598 --> 00:04:55,222
Why are you bowing?
84
00:04:55,223 --> 00:04:58,222
Out of respect,
number-one neighbor.
85
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:04,304
Well, so far, you've offered me
champagne, caviar, and racism.
86
00:05:05,350 --> 00:05:08,185
- What else is on the menu?
- My concerns.
87
00:05:08,186 --> 00:05:10,572
About the trashy,
Hollywood element
88
00:05:10,573 --> 00:05:13,572
that would be around this building
if Kathy Griffin moves in.
89
00:05:14,246 --> 00:05:16,550
I said,
"If Kathy Griffin moves in."
90
00:05:16,551 --> 00:05:18,550
[Gasps]
91
00:05:18,692 --> 00:05:20,747
We couldn't get
near the building,
92
00:05:20,748 --> 00:05:24,074
with all the paparazzi
and trashy, Hollywood element
93
00:05:24,075 --> 00:05:26,187
yelling for Kathy Griffin.
94
00:05:27,551 --> 00:05:30,550
What's this gonna do
to our property values?
95
00:05:30,551 --> 00:05:33,075
- I was supposed to say that part.
- No, you weren't.
96
00:05:33,076 --> 00:05:35,074
Go on, Thelma.
Tell them what happened next.
97
00:05:35,075 --> 00:05:37,355
They ripped my blouse!
I felt so violated!
98
00:05:40,075 --> 00:05:42,548
See? How do you
like it?
99
00:05:43,182 --> 00:05:46,831
Well, as much as this wasn't fun,
I think we're done here.
100
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:51,450
No, no, no. You can't approve her.
Please, as one mother to another.
101
00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:54,971
- I can't have children.
- Oh. Well, you could adopt.
102
00:05:54,972 --> 00:05:58,214
- You can get one that looks just like...
- Shut it down.
103
00:06:00,075 --> 00:06:03,820
For your information, we've already
approved Kathy Griffin's application.
104
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,515
She's moving in
this weekend.
105
00:06:05,516 --> 00:06:07,593
Well, if she's moving in,
then I'm moving out.
106
00:06:07,594 --> 00:06:08,804
Great.
107
00:06:09,075 --> 00:06:11,916
They ripped my blouse!
I felt so violated!
108
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,439
[Door closes]
109
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,809
I told you
we needed more rehearsal!
110
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:20,574
♪ ♪
111
00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:23,855
Come on, Maddie.
That's the beauty of New York.
112
00:06:23,856 --> 00:06:25,776
You never
see your neighbors.
113
00:06:26,337 --> 00:06:28,830
That family below us, they had
a bear in their apartment.
114
00:06:28,831 --> 00:06:31,830
For a year, you thought
it was your stomach growling.
115
00:06:33,075 --> 00:06:36,005
You work at night,
she works all the time.
116
00:06:36,006 --> 00:06:38,121
You're never even
gonna catch a glimpse of her.
117
00:06:38,122 --> 00:06:41,748
Oh, yeah, really? Well, what about
her stupid housewarming party?
118
00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:43,484
"Girls, gays, and gimlets."
119
00:06:44,075 --> 00:06:49,518
We got invited to her movie night, too.
"Chicks, flicks, and dicks."
120
00:06:51,621 --> 00:06:53,878
See, now we have
theme parties and rhyming.
121
00:06:53,879 --> 00:06:57,014
I do not like the direction
this building is headed in.
122
00:06:58,822 --> 00:07:00,806
Oh, hi. Where
have you been?
123
00:07:00,807 --> 00:07:03,549
I was just having coffee
with Kathy Griffin.
124
00:07:03,606 --> 00:07:07,130
Oh, so now
she's Kathy Griffin.
125
00:07:07,793 --> 00:07:10,418
She was always
Kathy Griffin.
126
00:07:10,668 --> 00:07:12,972
Then we went to go see
that exhibit at Moma.
127
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:15,984
Moma?
But I'm your moma.
128
00:07:16,515 --> 00:07:19,845
- You said you didn't want to go.
- I don't remember saying it like that.
129
00:07:19,846 --> 00:07:23,742
And get this... after I told her about
how you got me fired from my last job,
130
00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:27,443
she said she can get me hired
backstage on her next comedy special.
131
00:07:27,444 --> 00:07:30,712
I mean, how lucky are we
that she's moving in next door?
132
00:07:32,451 --> 00:07:36,074
I can't believe it. I've been trying
to connect with that kid for years.
133
00:07:36,075 --> 00:07:37,749
He's been here a month.
134
00:07:39,028 --> 00:07:40,714
Really?
Just a month?
135
00:07:41,481 --> 00:07:45,230
Well, whatever. It seems like we would
have found something in common by now.
136
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,205
I mean, what does he see
in Kathy Griffin?
137
00:07:47,206 --> 00:07:50,471
Well, she's young and hip
and makes people laugh.
138
00:07:50,472 --> 00:07:52,090
Well, I'm...
139
00:07:52,528 --> 00:07:54,538
Make people laugh.
140
00:07:55,355 --> 00:07:57,278
She means intentionally.
141
00:07:58,535 --> 00:08:02,795
Oh, please. She makes fun
of celebrities. How hard can that be?
142
00:08:03,264 --> 00:08:05,075
Hey, Lindsay Lohan,
143
00:08:05,076 --> 00:08:07,810
why don't you go to a party
and have some liquor?
144
00:08:08,075 --> 00:08:09,849
Ka-pow!
Gimme another one.
145
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,750
Meat Loaf.
146
00:08:12,363 --> 00:08:14,218
That's who you give me?
147
00:08:15,321 --> 00:08:17,692
Maddie,
Arlo loves you.
148
00:08:17,693 --> 00:08:20,074
There is no way
that woman can replace you.
149
00:08:20,075 --> 00:08:21,564
- Right, Frank?
- Yeah, yeah.
150
00:08:21,565 --> 00:08:23,180
When you think about it...
151
00:08:23,293 --> 00:08:26,211
Right, you've already been replaced
by his adoptive mother.
152
00:08:31,003 --> 00:08:34,223
Oh, my God,
life is so cruel.
153
00:08:34,465 --> 00:08:37,817
I'm being abandoned
by the kid I abandoned.
154
00:08:38,347 --> 00:08:40,346
I want my son back.
155
00:08:40,347 --> 00:08:41,899
Roddy McDowall.
156
00:08:42,348 --> 00:08:45,493
What? No, I'm giving you
another shot!
157
00:08:46,049 --> 00:08:47,754
- What...?
- Maddie...
158
00:08:47,755 --> 00:08:50,514
You haven't lost him.
That's ridiculous.
159
00:08:50,515 --> 00:08:52,444
So why doesn't he
want to hang out with me?
160
00:08:52,445 --> 00:08:54,553
Look, if anything,
you should be happy
161
00:08:54,554 --> 00:08:59,275
that your 26-year-old son doesn't want
to go handbag shopping with his ma.
162
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,768
Why don't you do
something he loves.
163
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,001
Something he loves?
164
00:09:10,075 --> 00:09:12,258
You really think it's safe
165
00:09:12,259 --> 00:09:16,129
to do a Civil War reenactment
in Central Park, at night?
166
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,590
With swords...?
167
00:09:20,784 --> 00:09:23,311
It's safer
than without a sword.
168
00:09:24,379 --> 00:09:27,905
Come on, you know that
Arlo loves all this nerdy crap.
169
00:09:27,906 --> 00:09:30,343
I mean, he has these
reenactments every weekend.
170
00:09:30,344 --> 00:09:32,754
Remember when we had
to pick him up in Gettysburg
171
00:09:32,755 --> 00:09:35,050
'cause somebody
stole his pants?
172
00:09:36,305 --> 00:09:39,995
Halt, who goes there?
A dirty German?
173
00:09:41,075 --> 00:09:43,387
Wrong war, Professor.
174
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:48,584
- Hey, look at you guys.
- Yeah, Arlo, go get dressed.
175
00:09:48,585 --> 00:09:52,906
We're gonna go in the Park, and we're
gonna reenact that famous battle of...
176
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,859
"Two-lamps-ah."
177
00:09:58,809 --> 00:10:03,667
As pivotal as that battle was, I was just
on my way out to go for a little walk.
178
00:10:03,668 --> 00:10:05,213
Or maybe a run.
179
00:10:05,377 --> 00:10:07,473
Wait a minute,
you don't run.
180
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:11,592
You would not run if a giant ball
was rolling at you.
181
00:10:12,434 --> 00:10:15,667
Okay, fine. I was gonna go
over to Kathy Griffin's party.
182
00:10:15,668 --> 00:10:18,770
- I know you're not crazy about her...
- No, no, no, it's fine.
183
00:10:18,771 --> 00:10:20,769
If that's where you wanna go,
it's fine. Go.
184
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,392
Okay, great.
Well, don't wait up.
185
00:10:23,393 --> 00:10:26,537
And, for the record, those
are not period-correct, but...
186
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,105
Beat it, nerd.
187
00:10:30,799 --> 00:10:32,041
God...
188
00:10:34,075 --> 00:10:36,711
Why would he want to go hang out
at some celebrity party,
189
00:10:36,712 --> 00:10:40,158
when he could hang out with his own
mother when she's dressed like a man?
190
00:10:41,168 --> 00:10:43,831
Yeah, he's weird that way.
191
00:10:45,154 --> 00:10:47,769
That's it.
I give up.
192
00:10:48,311 --> 00:10:51,636
Now I have to sit here, listening
to that thumping music
193
00:10:51,637 --> 00:10:54,636
from Kathy Griffin's
housewarming party.
194
00:10:55,004 --> 00:10:57,837
Thelma, go call in
a noise complaint.
195
00:10:57,927 --> 00:11:00,157
Say you heard gunshots!
196
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,505
I'll take care of it.
197
00:11:02,551 --> 00:11:04,732
This is a job
for the General.
198
00:11:05,371 --> 00:11:09,370
And if I don't come back,
tell my kids I died a coward!
199
00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:11,296
[Thud]
200
00:11:16,398 --> 00:11:19,049
♪ ♪
201
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:24,389
So I told Justin Bieber take his shirt
off, and I told Miley, "Cut your hair."
202
00:11:24,390 --> 00:11:27,913
[Laughs] This is hilarious.
You should put that in your act.
203
00:11:27,914 --> 00:11:30,756
Honey, this is my act.
You each owe me 32.50.
204
00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:32,256
[laughter]
205
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:34,061
Excuse me.
206
00:11:34,390 --> 00:11:36,240
Excuse me, man.
207
00:11:36,265 --> 00:11:37,389
Aah...
208
00:11:37,390 --> 00:11:39,364
F-Troop, glad you made it.
209
00:11:40,155 --> 00:11:42,264
- Where's Norma Desmond?
- She's next door.
210
00:11:42,265 --> 00:11:46,466
She's trying to get some rest, and you've
got to... is that a Banana Daiquiri?
211
00:11:46,514 --> 00:11:47,736
You want a shrimp puff?
212
00:11:47,737 --> 00:11:50,596
Uh, no, no, don't distract me,
because I need you to...
213
00:11:50,916 --> 00:11:55,215
Is that guy doing close-up magic?
I love to be fooled.
214
00:11:55,819 --> 00:11:58,630
Something tells me
that's not that hard to do.
215
00:11:59,390 --> 00:12:01,021
So what do you want?
216
00:12:01,022 --> 00:12:04,389
Well, Maddie, she needs you
to do something about... oh.
217
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:05,646
Oh, I love this song.
218
00:12:05,647 --> 00:12:06,847
[Pulsating dance music]
219
00:12:06,848 --> 00:12:08,262
Come on! Crank it up!
220
00:12:08,390 --> 00:12:10,024
Yeah!
221
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:16,622
Man... The music
just got louder.
222
00:12:18,649 --> 00:12:20,633
Are you bopping?
223
00:12:21,593 --> 00:12:24,647
They said the rhythm
was gonna get me, and it did.
224
00:12:26,186 --> 00:12:28,733
You think Arlo's having fun
over there?
225
00:12:30,655 --> 00:12:32,416
Probably not.
226
00:12:33,827 --> 00:12:35,155
Wait, you got to hear this.
227
00:12:35,156 --> 00:12:38,245
So a few days ago, I see
Maddie taking out her trash.
228
00:12:38,246 --> 00:12:39,859
I'm not saying
she's a big drinker,
229
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:42,859
but I redeemed her vodka bottles
and bought a new Jaguar.
230
00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:45,859
[Laughter]
231
00:12:46,046 --> 00:12:48,677
How about this kid,
who she gave up for adoption,
232
00:12:48,678 --> 00:12:50,570
and was crazy enough
to get back with her?
233
00:12:50,571 --> 00:12:52,894
- I mean, what are you thinking?
- I don't know!
234
00:12:52,895 --> 00:12:55,275
She makes me sleep
in a gift-wrapping room!
235
00:12:55,276 --> 00:12:57,801
And she's never even
given anyone a gift!
236
00:12:57,802 --> 00:12:59,802
[Laughter]
237
00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:04,035
If I hear Arlo laugh
one more time...
238
00:13:04,036 --> 00:13:06,830
Wow, this is really upsetting you.
You know what?
239
00:13:06,831 --> 00:13:09,188
I'm going next door, and
I'm gonna bring him back.
240
00:13:09,710 --> 00:13:12,893
No, don't. If he wants to be
over there, let him be over there.
241
00:13:13,601 --> 00:13:15,814
Let's just be adults
about this.
242
00:13:20,390 --> 00:13:23,390
Maddie, what are you doing?
Are you crazy?
243
00:13:23,391 --> 00:13:25,615
I have got to hear
244
00:13:25,616 --> 00:13:29,151
what that red-headed devil
is saying to my son.
245
00:13:29,841 --> 00:13:31,177
Get up here,
Thelma.
246
00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:33,796
I don't want to get up there!
I'm afraid of heights!
247
00:13:33,797 --> 00:13:35,443
That's not
even a real thing.
248
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,573
- Come on, I need you for balance.
- Oh, my...
249
00:13:42,046 --> 00:13:46,175
I miss when the Civil War thing
was the dumbest idea of the night.
250
00:13:47,551 --> 00:13:51,212
- Mary and Joseph!
- Oh, stop it! You're Jewish.
251
00:13:51,663 --> 00:13:55,171
Here we go. Don't look down,
just look up. Just look up.
252
00:13:55,725 --> 00:14:00,014
Hey, look at those people over there.
Are they having sex?
253
00:14:01,483 --> 00:14:03,826
Either that,
or he's killing her.
254
00:14:03,913 --> 00:14:07,508
Oh, well. None of our business.
Okay, almost there.
255
00:14:07,509 --> 00:14:10,755
Thelma, oh, my God, stop pulling on me!
You're gonna make me lose my balance.
256
00:14:10,756 --> 00:14:14,389
- Sorry, I'm trying not to die!
- BOTH: Oh, my God.
257
00:14:14,390 --> 00:14:17,865
[Screams]
258
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:22,256
Oh, my God! Maddie, Thelma,
are you guys okay?
259
00:14:22,390 --> 00:14:24,334
[Gasping]
260
00:14:24,388 --> 00:14:26,069
I'm alive!
261
00:14:27,218 --> 00:14:30,077
You owe me
some serious overtime!
262
00:14:31,985 --> 00:14:35,389
Oh, my God. The movie of my life,
flashed before my eyes.
263
00:14:35,390 --> 00:14:38,868
I was so good...
I should have been nominated.
264
00:14:39,390 --> 00:14:41,389
Oh, nice of you
to drop in.
265
00:14:41,390 --> 00:14:43,389
I think I got my piano up here
the same way.
266
00:14:43,390 --> 00:14:45,448
[Laughs]
267
00:14:45,449 --> 00:14:48,599
- What are you laughing at?
- Well, she just compared you to a pi...
268
00:14:48,607 --> 00:14:49,873
Nothing.
269
00:14:50,812 --> 00:14:54,390
Lucila, please get spider-man and
her friend some hors d'oeuvres.
270
00:14:54,391 --> 00:14:57,056
This is my chef.
I couldn't live without her.
271
00:14:57,057 --> 00:15:01,438
A female chef? What's the point?
Unless that's your "thang."
272
00:15:03,898 --> 00:15:05,898
- Shrimp puff?
- Uh, shrimp puff...
273
00:15:05,899 --> 00:15:07,897
Uh, yeah, that's me.
[Laughs]
274
00:15:07,898 --> 00:15:10,783
I also answer to crab cake
and muffin top.
275
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:13,281
Oh, you're so funny.
276
00:15:13,291 --> 00:15:17,214
I'm Arlo. I live right over there.
Penthouse "B."
277
00:15:17,898 --> 00:15:21,897
I'm Lucila. Hey, have
you taken a gift bag?
278
00:15:21,898 --> 00:15:24,897
You know, this party's sponsored
by Suave Professionals.
279
00:15:24,898 --> 00:15:29,893
It creates brilliant salon-style shine,
right in your own home.
280
00:15:30,265 --> 00:15:32,487
- Hey, Arlo.
- Uh, not now, Griffin.
281
00:15:32,706 --> 00:15:34,940
Right.
You like chicks.
282
00:15:36,279 --> 00:15:40,238
Oh, look at this.
Arlo found a new, shiny object.
283
00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:41,287
Mmhmm.
284
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,377
And I think
I just solved my problem.
285
00:15:43,408 --> 00:15:47,886
- I'm an evil genius.
- Well, you're half right.
286
00:15:52,839 --> 00:15:55,322
♪ ♪
287
00:15:56,264 --> 00:15:59,263
- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Hey, uh, no breakfast for me.
288
00:15:59,264 --> 00:16:01,848
- Kathy and I are going to...
- Hello, crab cake.
289
00:16:01,887 --> 00:16:03,949
Oh! Hi...
290
00:16:05,807 --> 00:16:09,264
- What is she doing here?
- She's our new chef.
291
00:16:09,576 --> 00:16:11,186
You're welcome.
292
00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:15,686
Oh, didn't you need to scurry off
to your new best friend, Kathy Griffin?
293
00:16:15,687 --> 00:16:17,380
Who? Uhm...
294
00:16:17,812 --> 00:16:21,398
No, no, I was coming to join
you guys for breakfast.
295
00:16:21,399 --> 00:16:24,789
- Frank, scooch over.
- Actually, I'm pretty comfortable...
296
00:16:28,803 --> 00:16:30,824
[doorbell rings]
297
00:16:35,358 --> 00:16:39,263
- Banks, did you steal my chef?
- In your face, Kathy Griffin.
298
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:42,060
[Both laugh]
299
00:16:42,061 --> 00:16:43,317
Yes!
300
00:16:43,318 --> 00:16:46,007
Why are we both laughing?
I should be the only one laughing.
301
00:16:46,508 --> 00:16:49,492
Well, you're really gonna be laughing
when you taste her cooking.
302
00:16:49,493 --> 00:16:52,098
I've been trying to unload
this broad for years,
303
00:16:52,099 --> 00:16:54,469
but she kept
playing the frickin' violin
304
00:16:54,470 --> 00:16:57,702
about her poor family in the village
with all the earthquakes.
305
00:16:57,703 --> 00:17:00,853
Here's an idea... move somewhere
where they don't have earthquakes.
306
00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:05,029
Oh, please. Do you think
I was born yesterday?
307
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,174
Not for a moment.
308
00:17:09,075 --> 00:17:12,481
If she was such a terrible chef,
then how about that food at your party?
309
00:17:12,482 --> 00:17:14,601
Catered!
Are you kidding?
310
00:17:14,602 --> 00:17:19,372
I wouldn't even let my dogs eat her food,
and my dogs lick their butts all day.
311
00:17:20,264 --> 00:17:21,650
Scusi.
312
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:25,850
Oh, Ramone. You and
your pepper mill are back.
313
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:29,373
I'm no back for you.
Miss Griffin, your breakfast is ready.
314
00:17:29,981 --> 00:17:32,263
She no treat me
like a piece of meat.
315
00:17:32,264 --> 00:17:36,129
Isn't it adorable how
he doesn't see what's coming?
316
00:17:38,653 --> 00:17:41,263
The joke's on you,
Kathy Griffin!
317
00:17:41,264 --> 00:17:44,736
His coq au vin
is not what you think it is.
318
00:17:45,021 --> 00:17:46,729
It's chicken.
319
00:17:49,824 --> 00:17:51,561
That was Kathy Griffin.
320
00:17:51,631 --> 00:17:54,958
You won't believe the load
she tried to sell me.
321
00:17:55,193 --> 00:18:00,101
Was it, by any chance, that Lucila
is the worst cook on earth?
322
00:18:01,264 --> 00:18:04,729
'Cause I think these eggs are gonna
burst out of me, alien style.
323
00:18:07,551 --> 00:18:09,552
- Anybody want more?
- No!
324
00:18:09,784 --> 00:18:11,811
I mean, no, thank you.
325
00:18:13,663 --> 00:18:16,389
You know, I want you to know
that I love you all...
326
00:18:16,869 --> 00:18:18,115
[Groans]
327
00:18:18,210 --> 00:18:21,039
And I keep my will
in my glove compartment.
328
00:18:22,264 --> 00:18:25,726
You guys, stop it.
It can't be that horrible.
329
00:18:27,860 --> 00:18:30,772
Oh, my God, ugh.
330
00:18:31,209 --> 00:18:33,563
I haven't tasted something
in my mouth like that
331
00:18:33,564 --> 00:18:36,320
since I spent the night
with Blue Man Group.
332
00:18:38,177 --> 00:18:41,423
It's true, she came home
looking like a smurf.
333
00:18:44,907 --> 00:18:48,263
- So you want me to fire her?
- What? No, no.
334
00:18:48,264 --> 00:18:52,171
She's perfect. Thank you,
Maddie, for doing this for me.
335
00:18:52,514 --> 00:18:54,917
A female chef
who can't cook?
336
00:18:54,995 --> 00:18:58,429
I hope you appreciate the sacrifices
your mother is making for you.
337
00:18:59,131 --> 00:19:02,379
Oh, my blouse is caught
in the mixer!
338
00:19:02,465 --> 00:19:05,307
Oh, I do.
I really do!
339
00:19:07,664 --> 00:19:11,084
Hey, how about that?
He can run.
340
00:19:11,085 --> 00:19:14,085
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