1 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:32,560 Goooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,120 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:40,120 and welcome to QI, where tonight we are playing for Keeps. 4 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:43,040 Keeping his eye on the ball, Jason Manford. 5 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:45,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,960 Keeping her ear to the ground, Sarah Millican. 7 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:53,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,800 Keeping his nose to the grindstone, Bill Bailey. 9 00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:00,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,600 And keeping his pecker up, in spite of everything, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:13,080 And I'll be keeping the peace, everything on track and the score. 13 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:15,160 So, jeepers creepers, let's hear your peepers. 14 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,680 Jason goes... 15 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:21,080 ♪ Keep on movin'... ♪ 16 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,680 Sarah goes... 17 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,560 ♪ Keep on runnin' 18 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,800 ♪ Keep on hidin'... ♪ 19 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,280 Bill goes... 20 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,000 ♪ Keep on rockin' 21 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:33,920 ♪ Keep on rockin'... ♪ 22 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,120 - Nice. Nice. - And Alan goes... 23 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:42,000 ♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides... ♪ 24 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,320 Nice. 25 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,440 The voice of your forefathers there, the ancestors, isn't it, 26 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,440 "keeping a welcome in the hillside," isn't it? 27 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,280 So, before we start... 28 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:54,320 - Were they Pakistanis? - Stop it, stop it. Stop it right now. 29 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,120 I'm going to lay down the law. 30 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,680 Like Teacher's first day at school - 31 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,840 he's strict, just so that people are afraid of him. 32 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:00,880 Yes. 33 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,760 Authority has got to be laid down. I'm not going to have... Right. 34 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,840 Yes. How's that going? 35 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,000 Oh, Sir's trying to get all 'umpty... 36 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,520 - Yes. - ..before we start. 37 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,400 WELSH ACCENT: Mocking my Welsh accent. 38 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,120 That wasn't even Northern Europe. 39 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,040 SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: It was from Cape Town. 40 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:21,960 A welcome to the valleys in Cardiff. 41 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,640 It was my acc-ccent. You stop halfway through, isn't it? 42 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,240 "Isn't it?" Yes. 43 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,280 You've gone all street now. 44 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,440 "I stop halfway through, innit? Yeah, it's like that." 45 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:36,760 - Right, OK. All right. - "Stephen Fry, yeah. QI, that's it." 46 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,520 Anyway, an easy K series question to start us going. 47 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,160 I still think in pounds and ounces, 48 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:47,400 but what unit does modern science use to measure weight? 49 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,880 Kilograms? 50 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,120 ALARM BLARES 51 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,760 GROANING Oh, come on! 52 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:54,120 There you go. First word! First word! 53 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:56,720 Kilograms, no. What does "kilogram" weigh? 54 00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,680 2.2 pounds. 55 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,120 What does it measure, I meant to say? 56 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:03,920 - What does the kilogram measure? - Weight. - Weight. - No. 57 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,160 - Water. - Kilograms. - It measures water. - Water. 58 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,080 - No. - Grams. - Rucksacks. - No? 59 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,880 There are a thousand grams in a kilogram, 60 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,520 but what is it actually measuring? 61 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,800 - What...? - In my case, a crying lady. 62 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,120 LAUGHTER 63 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,000 What quantity - what aspect of a thing or an object does it measure? 64 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,000 Hatred. Hatred and vileness. 65 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,200 Bile. Bile. 66 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,720 Sarcasm. I don't know. 67 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,200 - No. - Perversion. 68 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,480 No. 69 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,320 - Mass. - Valium. - Mass! It's mass. 70 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,160 - How many points does he get for that? - A few. - Oh, right. 71 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,800 Yeah. You, I'm afraid, get taken away a few. 72 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,640 I don't mind. You're in minus already. 73 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,840 But you can get your points back if you can tell me what weight is measured in. 74 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,040 So this is the time I shouldn't say kilograms again? 75 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,200 - Yeah, it doesn't begin with K. - OK. - No. - No. 76 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,680 - Anyone in the audience? - What? 77 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,000 AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Newtons. 78 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,040 They're good. Our audience is better than the average, let's be honest. 79 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,400 - Newtons is the answer. - Newtons. - I was going to say that! 80 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,720 - You were going to say it? - Say it now, edit. Say it now. 81 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,800 ♪ Keep on rockin'. ♪ 82 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,560 Newtons. 83 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,800 - CHEERING - By the time you said it, - they're "old-tons", I'm afraid. 84 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:05,320 Oh, yeah, I see what you did there. 85 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,000 No, the weight is the force resulting from gravity of mass, 86 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,040 and that is how it acts on the earth, is as weight. 87 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,160 - And, of course, it varies according to the amount of gravity. - That's right. 88 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,680 - Which is why it's not a constant. Which is why... - It varies. 89 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,960 If you're in a lift, even, you weigh slightly less. 90 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,600 It sounds weird, but it's slightly less when you're dropping, 91 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,640 and slightly more when you're going up. 92 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,240 If you stood on scales, if you were using them for weight... 93 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,680 On the scales in my bathroom, they... 94 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,120 God bless 'em, workhorses that they are, 95 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,400 they, um... 96 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,800 when the batteries start going, 97 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,320 because it's only got three digits, 98 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,240 it says...it starts the word "error", so it says "E-R-R". 99 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,920 But then when you get on it, it just goes, "err". 100 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,560 "Eeerrrrr!" 101 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,840 It's like them not really wanting to tell you. 102 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:49,040 How much do I weigh? "Err, well... 103 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,080 "Do you really want to hear this?" 104 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,720 Then they say, "How much do you usually weigh?" 105 00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:00,400 I don't have bathroom scales, I've just got kitchen scales. 106 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,720 Well, you could try the... 107 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,440 But I have measured bits of me on them. 108 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,400 Let me guess which bits. Really? 109 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,360 - The left one's heavier. - Is it? 110 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:11,040 - By how much? - Some Newtons. 111 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,880 Very good. Very good. 112 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,320 What is the bear... The bear's not happy about this, really, is he? 113 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,720 Being weighed in a sack. 114 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,440 It's like some sort of Arctic WeightWatchers. 115 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,520 - That's why he's not happy. - The fattest bear. 116 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,120 "I can't believe I've used three points this week already!" 117 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:30,680 The bear's going, "It's just me glands, me glands!" 118 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,600 "I'm big boned!" 119 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:33,960 "I'm a bear, come on!" 120 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,720 SARAH: "Let me take my earrings out." 121 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,360 The kilogram is the only metric measure 122 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,280 that still relies on a physical object, 123 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:46,320 which is called the international prototype kilogram. 124 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,080 And where do you think it's kept? 125 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,240 Is it kept in the National Physics Laboratory? 126 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,360 The National Physical Laboratory. No, it isn't. 127 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,360 - The Queen. The Queen has it? - There is a replica of it - in the National Physical Laboratory. 128 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,560 - Here is... - Geneva. Everything's in Geneva. 129 00:05:58,560 --> 00:05:59,920 There you go. 130 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:03,520 Do we have Ian Robinson from the National Physical Laboratory? 131 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,480 He's raising his hand. Hello. This belongs to you, yes? 132 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,320 IAN: It belongs to NPL, yes. 133 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:11,840 And this is a replica of the original IPK, yeah? 134 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,120 It's the same size, 135 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,000 but it weighs 400g, rather than a kilogram. 136 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,160 - Weighs or has mass of...? - Its mass is 400g. 137 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,280 Don't make me a liar. 138 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,120 And this is what's inside the case. 139 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,000 It's so incredibly susceptible 140 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,680 to either adding weight to it or taking weight away - 141 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,280 the acidity of the fingers, the addition of dust - 142 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:31,440 the original is... 143 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,440 Well, where did the metric system originate? 144 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,360 POSH ACCENT: Builth Wells. 145 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,520 - I don't know, France. - France. You do know, you see? 146 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,520 - Of course, of course, yes. - Of course you know. 147 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,800 - It's actually outside Paris - near Sevres, where porcelain comes from. - Yes. 148 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,760 It's made out of platinum iridium. 149 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,320 And they're worried that 150 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,960 it's put on the weight of a small grain of sand 151 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:53,240 over the period since it was first made, in 1879. 152 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,080 So they're going to change... they're going to change - 153 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,120 next year, possibly, or 2014 - 154 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,680 to using Planck's universal quantum constant 155 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,120 instead of the physical one. 156 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,840 Thank God for that. Phew! 157 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,960 Then they won't have to worry about bits of dust. 158 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,480 - What a worry as well, yeah. - Yeah, what a worry. - What a worry. 159 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,120 Thank you, Ian Robinson and the National Physical Laboratory. 160 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,280 - Yeah, thank you very much. - Thank you for your time. 161 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:18,600 Is there different parts of the world, though, you could go and weigh more or less? 162 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,120 - If you went to areas of great... - Yes, on the equator, you... 163 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,560 America. We'd all weigh less there, wouldn't we? 164 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,160 That's a comparative scale. 165 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,640 Yeah. And light - how much does light weigh? 166 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,280 And does sound weigh more than light? 167 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,320 You've got a bit of sound there and a bit of light, 168 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,160 you wouldn't...do that? 169 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,480 No. 170 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:37,560 That's a bit suggestive, really, isn't it? 171 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,000 Can you get in the bed before you put the light out? 172 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,120 - Ah, that's true, isn't it? Yeah. - Yes. 173 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:47,480 Turn the light switch off and then get into bed before it went dark. 174 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,400 - Difficult, but it can be done. - It can, yeah. 175 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,560 Didn't Muhammad Ali say that? Didn't he? 176 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,200 He said he was so fast, he could get into bed before the light went off. 177 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,600 Yeah, and someone said, "Just get a bedside light." 178 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,480 - Yeah, exactly. - Or just one of those ones. 179 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,160 - Do it at the same time. - Oh, one of those. 180 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,800 Then you can clap when you're in bed, and who doesn't like that? 181 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,800 Ah, yes, but that's very interesting, then, because then the sound... 182 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,320 - You've just turned the camera off. - What's that? - You've just turned the camera off. 183 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,960 Could you do two? Could you do two now? 184 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,600 - Thank you. - Oh, sorry. 185 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,000 We use the same system. We didn't expect anybody to clap. 186 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,560 What just happened? 187 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,200 You turned the camera off by clapping. 188 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,040 - Just the whole universe, just..."nyoooom". - Yeah. 189 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,040 - Nyooom! - Yeah, you're back again now. 190 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,080 That's it. Don't clap, though. 191 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,720 Wwwwwhat would happen...? 192 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,120 If? 193 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,960 No, I was just saying... It was rhetorical. 194 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,960 - Oh, I see. - I was just saying... 195 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,920 - What would happen...? - There's a question. 196 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,080 "What would happen, Stephen? Discuss." 197 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:49,320 - Yes. "Let's see whose house it is." - "..it is." 198 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,120 Now, we were talking about bits and bytes. 199 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,800 What is a kilobyte, in fact? How many bytes in a kilobyte? 200 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,840 1,000. 100,000. 201 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,760 - 10,000. - 100,000. 1,000,000. 202 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,040 No, no, that's a gig... 203 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,720 - 9. - 9! 204 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,400 - I just like to be different. - 42. - Anyone in the audience? 205 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,520 MAN IN AUDIENCE: 1,024. 206 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,800 - ALARM BLARES - Oh, the audience gets a big penalty. 207 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,400 GUFFAWS 208 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:19,320 Unfortunately... Unfortunately, our team... 209 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,200 In your face! 210 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,760 ..our team isn't intelligent enough to know the wrong answer. 211 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,680 You thought it was 2 to the 10, which is 1,024. 212 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:33,880 But actually, according to the International Electrotechnical Commission, 213 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,320 it is now 1,000, as you said, is the right answer. 214 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:37,760 It's 1,000 bytes, and the... 215 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,440 - So I beat all those people, then? - You did, by sheer fluke. 216 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,480 But didn't you say "10, 100, 1,000"? You just... 217 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,160 Yeah, yeah, but I started with a 1,000. 218 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,600 - You did cover quite a lot of bases. You did start with 1,000. - Yeah. 219 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:51,000 There is a new word for 1,024, which is a "kibibyte", which is rather pathetic. 220 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,640 - Oh, come on. - I know. - They're just being silly now, aren't they? 221 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,600 But it's IEC standard 6027-2. There you go. 222 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,480 I'm sorry about that. It's not my fault. 223 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,520 - No, I'm not blaming you, Stephen, it's just... - I know. 224 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,640 Now then - finders keepers, losers weepers, right? 225 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,960 - That's the rules. Yes, it is. - Yes? 226 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,120 ALARM BLARES 227 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,040 Oh, what?! What? Hey, you tricked me! 228 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,720 You could have said no. 229 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,240 You... That's...that's a dirty trick, Fry! 230 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:22,440 You've done this programme long enough to know that dirty tricks are us. 231 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,000 Stephen, I didn't think that even you would stoop... 232 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,080 - Stoop. - ..so low. 233 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:30,400 - Well, I did. - How dare you? - It doesn't work in law. 234 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,880 If you find lost property 235 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,720 and don't make reasonable steps 236 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,800 to discover the person to whom it belongs, 237 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,960 then that's the crime of theft by finding. 238 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,560 So just...how does this apply to...? 239 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,840 If you're in the supermarket, right, and you put some fresh herbs in, 240 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,840 and you're walking round, "da da-da," 241 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:51,320 all oblivious, thinking no-one's going to mess with your head. 242 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,400 And then before you get to the checkout, 243 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,280 someone's nicked the herbs out of your trolley 244 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,640 and you go back and then there's none left. 245 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,080 - That's a dirty trick, isn't it? - It is a dirty trick. 246 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,680 - Did this happen today? - That's just immoral bad citizenship. 247 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,440 But it's not technically theft, though. 248 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,360 No, that's not theft. It's bad citizenship. 249 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,480 - They weren't yours until you'd paid for them. - No. They were morally mine. 250 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,120 If they took them after you'd paid... They were morally yours. 251 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,840 - I'd agree with you. - How urgent were the herbs? - Well, they're... 252 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,920 Look, there was a chilli con carne that was ruined because of that. 253 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,360 Garnish at least. 254 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,360 If you decked that lady, I don't blame you. 255 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:25,560 - Yes, I imagine, yeah... - If you smashed her round the gizzard. 256 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,960 Yeah, smacked her round the head with a tin of tomatoes. 257 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,520 "Don't do it again!" 258 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,600 - She's learnt her lesson. - Yeah, that's right. 259 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,760 So, I mean, if you... Technically, with that rule, 260 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,560 is if someone's done their full shop 261 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:40,040 and then right at the end, they've just wandered off for a tin of something, 262 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,120 you could go, "Right, I'll have that lot, then." 263 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,040 - That's brilliant. - That would be so immoral. 264 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,760 You've sort of stolen their time there. 265 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,000 So you just follow somebody round the shop 266 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,520 who looks like they might like what you like, and then... 267 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,920 This is a wholly different question. I never asked this. 268 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,320 Bill raised it. It's got nothing to do with the question. 269 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,080 - It's a very important point. - It's an interesting ethical issue. 270 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,480 I'm applying the ancient law to the modern-day context. 271 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,840 If you find something on the bus, or on the street... 272 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,800 Yeah, or if, for example, you're a dry cleaner 273 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,640 and you find a £20 note in a pair of trousers 274 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,000 that's taken in, you don't think, "Oh, I can keep that." 275 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,840 That definitely is theft because you know whose trousers they are. 276 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,720 - Exactly. - But, like, on the bus or something... 277 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,680 Also, if you found a lottery ticket on the floor 278 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,680 and it was a winning number and you cashed it in 279 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:20,800 and it wasn't yours, you would be committing a crime. 280 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,800 - You wouldn't care, though. - Yes, you would - it'd be taken away from you. 281 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,120 - Because you'd be a millionaire. - You wouldn't be paid. 282 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:30,080 - You wouldn't get the money. You'd go to court. - How, though? How would they know? 283 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,400 Because of the number and the time it was bought and the shop it was bought from. 284 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,120 - CCTV. - Oh, shit! - So, yeah. 285 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,760 In 2009, a Wilshire couple got an 11-month suspended sentence 286 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,720 for doing exactly that - they cashed a winning lottery ticket. 287 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,480 Even more, in 2003, a Coventry family 288 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,720 made repeated visits to a faulty cash machine 289 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:49,000 and withdrew £134,410. 290 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,800 - Wow! - Three of them were imprisoned. 291 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,040 I used to work in a cinema 292 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,560 and anything that was found on the floor in the screens, 293 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,200 sort of depending on what it was... 294 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,440 So if it was an umbrella, it would go in lost property. 295 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:02,680 If it was a pound coin, 296 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,720 it would just... the guy, whoever would just... 297 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,600 - Conveniently disappear. - Exactly, yeah. 298 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:10,680 But there was one time that a pair of used pants were found. 299 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,200 And they didn't really... 300 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,840 They sort of took them out on a stick 301 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,080 and they didn't really know what to do with them. 302 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:19,480 And then two weeks later, they got a letter from a man saying, 303 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:24,520 "I was in the 11:20 showing of Titanic 304 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,720 "in Screen 6 on the 23rd of February 305 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,920 "and I appear to have left my pants. 306 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:35,720 "Could you return them to me in the Jiffy bag provided?" 307 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,200 - Oh, my God! - Oh, I don't know. 308 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,640 I don't think I'd have put them in a Jiffy. 309 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,200 If they were used pants, 310 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,720 they would have gone in one of those things they put nuclear waste in, you know? 311 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,240 - I think you're right. - A lead-lined casket. 312 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,560 Ugh. 313 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:50,800 Well, it is true that 314 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,360 if you haven't made reasonable attempts to find something, 315 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,120 well, we know that it's morally wrong... 316 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,920 - It behoves you to do the right thing. - Yeah. We hope you will. 317 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,600 But if property is deliberately abandoned, you can keep it. 318 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:01,800 Archaeological finds, 319 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,800 90% of them are from amateurs with metal detectors. 320 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,000 And famous metal detectors include Bill Wyman, 321 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,000 who I think has his own brand of metal detector, called Bill Wyman. 322 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,800 Which you can use for your metal detecting! 323 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,440 Things really picked up for him after he left the Stones! 324 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:23,160 But in 2009, a man called David Booth discovered four Iron Age 325 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,600 - gold neck bands worth £1 million. - Good God! 326 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,080 What's extraordinary about it is it was the first time 327 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,400 - he'd ever used a metal detector. - SARAH GASPS 328 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,440 He found it seven paces from where he'd parked his car. 329 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:39,360 - Like, all the other detectors are really annoyed! - Yeah. 330 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,000 - He's been shunned from the fan club. - Oh, absolutely. 331 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,440 If you do it without permission and/or at night, 332 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:47,600 - you're known as a nighthawk and you're looked down on. - Yeah. 333 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,040 Because during the day, it's fine, but at night, you look a bit weird. 334 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,040 I mean, that guy's on...you know, on holiday as well. 335 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,520 Look at the background. 336 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,840 His wife's on a towel over there, just going, "You dick." 337 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,440 "Leave it alone, Frank, leave it, Frank!" 338 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,920 So legally speaking, finders isn't necessarily keepers. 339 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:12,000 Now, let's have a round of Keep Still Or Scarper? 340 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,360 I'm going to show you some dangerous animals 341 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,200 and I want you to tell me what you should do - 342 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,440 stand your ground or skedaddle for the hills? 343 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,680 - All right? - OK. 344 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,920 So, let's start with the first animal. 345 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,600 Here it is. It's a snake. 346 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,720 With a snake, should you keep still or scarper? 347 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,960 - # Keep on rockin'. # - Bill? 348 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,000 - Keep still. - Why? 349 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:37,760 Because...you're so terrified of the snake. 350 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:42,160 The snake will not attack a moving object. 351 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,160 - In which case, so you should move. - What? 352 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,600 You said, "It will not attack a moving object". 353 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,200 - I mean it will attack. - Right. 354 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,680 It will attack a moving object. 355 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,240 It actually forgets you're there if you stand still. 356 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,840 - Yeah. - It will just ignore you. - I get that a lot. 357 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,320 It's like being married. 358 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,520 Does it depend on how fast you run? 359 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,160 Because if you can run - outrun it... 360 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,560 They can strike very quickly, and if you're close to it, 361 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,680 just the act of turning to run would... Like that. 362 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,560 - Oh, right, OK. - If it felt threatened. 363 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,560 The best thing to do is stand stock-still and then nothing will happen. 364 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,560 You'd feel a fool if you stood still and it bit you anyway, wouldn't you? 365 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,640 - You would. - Your mobile went off or something. 366 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,920 That's true. 367 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,560 Don't have your mobile on vibrate. That would be the worst... 368 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,520 They have a marvellous sense of vibration. 369 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,640 OK, our next ones. 370 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,240 Let's have a look at this little trio harmonising. 371 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:29,440 Aww. 372 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,920 "Aww," you say. "Aww"?! They can tear you to pieces! 373 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,600 Three of a wolf pack, a wild wolf. 374 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,200 - When they've finished their song. - So should you keep still? 375 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,520 Should you keep still or scarper? 376 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,480 - # Keep on movin'. # - Yes, Jason? 377 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,480 I'm going to say scarper. 378 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,560 I'm afraid not, no. No, they are "coursing predators". 379 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:53,120 They actually tear and eat things on the run. 380 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,040 So that's how they like to eat. 381 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,600 They've not seen me run though. 382 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,320 My running is the same as me keeping still. 383 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,760 You should just shout, throw stones, pebbles, whatever, 384 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,920 and then back slowly away and you'll be fine. 385 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,920 Shout at... What...? 386 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,160 - YELLS GIBBERISH - Like that. 387 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,560 Throw things at them. 388 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,520 - They're not used... - I'm terrified. 389 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,320 - They're not used to that behaviour. - I'm glad I asked. 390 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:19,160 And they're wolves - they just back away going, "He's mental!" 391 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,400 It works. If you run away... 392 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,920 There's a guy, down in Devon, there's this bloke 393 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,680 who lived with wolves in Combe Martin Wildlife Park. Shaun Ellis. 394 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,240 He's an extraordinary bloke, 395 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,920 and he wanted to know what it was like to be accepted 396 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,440 as part of a wolf pack. And so he lived with the wolves for a year, 397 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,640 and ate raw meat and growled and snarled at them. 398 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,000 - Learnt the body language. - Learnt the whole body language, it was amazing. 399 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,400 And his girlfriend wrote, 400 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,480 "It has put a little bit of a strain on our relationship." 401 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,560 - Oh, really? - Oh, really? 402 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:56,040 "Yeah, every time we go out hunting of a night, I feel left out." 403 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,880 He will tear the waiter apart at the end of a meal. 404 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,840 If she doesn't keep still, he chases it. 405 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,240 I shouted at a moth once and it died. 406 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,720 It was too high up the curtain, so I couldn't reach it 407 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,560 so I got really mad at it and it just dropped. 408 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,080 Some would say it was dead already, 409 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,200 but I like to think it was because of me. Those words! 410 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,600 BILL: Maybe it was playing dead. 411 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,680 Well, it was definitely dead once it was under my shoe. 412 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,760 Fair enough. What about a shark? 413 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,680 - # Keep on hiding... # - I would say... 414 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:32,920 - Oh, it's not, I was going to say fight. - Fight?! 415 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:37,200 Yeah, because you put your thumbs in its eyes, you punch it on the nose. 416 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,000 YELLS: Get out of there! Run! 417 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,040 Well, no. Swim! 418 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,080 - Don't stand still. Scarper is the answer. - Scarper? 419 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,840 - Can I do an eye-gouge first? - I wouldn't bother with any of that. 420 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,160 - Just get out of the way. - There was that Welsh bloke, 421 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,520 he was on holiday, 422 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,000 and a shark started attacking a load of kids, 423 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,000 and he went in and just... he grabbed it by its tail and, 424 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,440 "Get out of it!" Threw it back in. 425 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,800 And then got home and they sacked him cos they saw him 426 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,800 on the news, saying, "You were on sick leave." 427 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,280 - No! - That's harsh. - ALAN: He's a hero! 428 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,320 He said, "I was on holiday for stress." 429 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,520 Blow bubbles, apparently, but if you're near its mouth, 430 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,760 don't play dead. That's a bad thing. Struggle in the mouth. 431 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,600 - In a moment, you won't have to play dead. - Exactly! 432 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,120 While you're still conscious. 433 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,200 Now, what about Africanised honey bees, also know as killer bees? 434 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,600 - Stay still or scarper? - Um... 435 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,280 ♪ Keep on rocking. ♪ 436 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,400 - Stay still. - No! 437 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,200 - # Keep on moving. # - Run away, the other one. 438 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:35,320 It's a binary question. One for cheek. 439 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:36,600 Yeah, no... 440 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,080 Run away as fast as you can, don't stop to help friends or anything, 441 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,240 just get the hell out of there and keep on running at least 400 metres. 442 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,280 And don't think you can hide in water, 443 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,960 they will wait above your head, 444 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,680 and when you come up for air, they will absolutely attack you. 445 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,400 - What shits! - They are really, really... 446 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,040 Nicely put. They're not nice. 447 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:59,000 - How far is 400 metres? - It's about 400 metres, I think. 448 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:03,840 - How many Newtons is it? - It's slightly less than half a kilometre. 449 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,960 - Oh, I could probably manage that. - Yes, you could do 500 metres. 450 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:11,640 - OK. I'm just checking. - Put your shirt over your face as well, if you can. 451 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,120 - OK. - To protect you from stinging. 452 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:17,240 Could you not quickly open a can of Fanta and put it down on the ground? 453 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:21,000 - "There, there, look, look! You love that!" - Don't risk it. 454 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,640 Put your top over your face? Are they distracted by boobs, is that it? 455 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,240 So what do you do with a monkey? Keep still or scarper? 456 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,680 Ah, that's nice, isn't it? Well, just reason with it. 457 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,680 How many heads has it got? 458 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:35,720 Sign language. 459 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,040 - Keep still. - Yes, but not dead-still. 460 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,400 There's a particular open-mouthed, open-lipped... 461 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,640 - Like dancing? No. - ..thing that you do. 462 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:44,840 You bare your teeth. 463 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,800 A round mouth, bare your teeth. Round. 464 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:51,080 - Keep shaking around like that. - That's it, that's it. - Raise your eyebrows. 465 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,800 By the time I've done it, he's killed me. 466 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,440 And raise your eyebrows. 467 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,440 That's it. Show your teeth. Raise your eyebrows. 468 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,040 - What does that mean? - IMITATES MONKEY CHATTER 469 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,320 - Back off! - That's good. - Back off! 470 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,080 You have monkeys, don't you? 471 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,320 - Yes, we have golden-handed tamarinds. - Oh, lovely. 472 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,240 - You just have them round your house? - Do they live in the house easily? 473 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,600 They live in the house, yeah. We don't let them out. 474 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,400 - Are they house-trained? - Yes, of course. 475 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,040 - That's amazing. - Yeah. 476 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,280 I think Jane Goodall discovered when you try and house-train a chimpanzee, 477 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,880 their intelligence is of a different order, and it's kind of smart but stupid. 478 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,280 And she had these chimpanzees 479 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:27,960 and when one pooed on the floor 480 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,320 of this little wooden bungalow that she had in Africa, 481 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,160 what she'd do is, she would make it confront its own poo, 482 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,560 spank it on the bottom and throw it out of the window. 483 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,280 - And... - This is ground floor, yeah? 484 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,960 It's ground... I said "bungalow", yes. 485 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,880 So she did that twice and then the third time she saw one poo, 486 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:46,080 slap its own bottom and jump out of the window. 487 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,680 - Which is completely logical. - That's amazing. 488 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,000 That's brilliant. 489 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,400 Thinking it had been really good, and you kind of go... 490 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:54,960 That's not dissimilar to... 491 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,440 My daughter's nearly four, right, and... 492 00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,240 Save her embarrassment for future shows. 493 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,840 She'll be fine. I won't tell you which one. I've got twins. 494 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:02,960 - Oh, fine. - And she's... 495 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,680 There's a point where they're slapping each other and fighting 496 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,600 and you go, "Right, get on the naughty step." 497 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,560 And there's a point where she's so annoyed, 498 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,480 that she will just slap her sister, you know, in the face or whatever, 499 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,480 and then go and get on the naughty step herself 500 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,680 and sit there with a face saying, "It was worth it." 501 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,160 Yeah. 502 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,160 That's very good. Very good. 503 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,040 Excellent. Cows? 504 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,240 Why would you need to? 505 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,880 Well, you say that, but more than 50 a year, 506 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,800 injuries caused by cows. 507 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,920 - Really? 50 idiots. - Particularly calving mothers. 508 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:38,280 - They can get more aggressive than bulls. - Fair enough, because they've... 509 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:40,600 We're afraid of bulls, but actually cows are...yeah. 510 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,720 But, presumably, if you're putting your arms up a cow's nunny 511 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,800 to pull a calf out, she's allowed to kick you in the face. 512 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,720 Oh, there'll be a bit of that. I don't think we're talking about that. 513 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:51,400 - No, we're talking about... - Ramblers. 514 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,480 Yeah, ramblers, and what happens is, particularly dogs tease them, 515 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,000 the cow then gets aggressive with the dog and chases the dog 516 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,200 and the dog, of course, yelps back to its owner. 517 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,800 And then the cow will hurt the owner. 518 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,240 They crowd you, don't they? 519 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,120 And then if you fall down, you get trampled. 520 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,400 - Yeah. - So get the hell out. - So you need to scarper. 521 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,320 You do need to scarper, is the answer, yeah. 522 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,760 So, how do you get an ant to keep still? 523 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,840 - # Keep on hidin'. # - Sarah? 524 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,440 Stop the music. 525 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,720 And then... Like that. That's very good. 526 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,480 Do you know, by any chance, 527 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:25,120 who was the first person accurately to portray small insects? 528 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,920 Most famously the flea, which is a very recognisable image, 529 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,520 which is the cover of his book Micrographia. 530 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,520 He was a remarkable scientist, town planner, 531 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:37,000 he has a law named after him of tension and springs. 532 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,520 He was a contemporary of Newton and Christopher Wren. 533 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,720 He was responsible for much of the town planning 534 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,240 after the Fire of London. 535 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,920 And he used a microscope to see animals, 536 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:48,680 including this little flea. 537 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,200 And an ant! And there it is. 538 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,680 He was an amazing artist, as you can see. 539 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:57,280 And he describes precisely how he got the ant to keep still. 540 00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,040 He said, "I gave it a gill of brandy, 541 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:03,400 "which after a while knocked him down dead-drunk. 542 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,400 "He struggled..." Wonderful phrase this. 543 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,760 "..for a pretty while very much." 544 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,720 Sounds like he was drinking it himself there. 545 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,800 "For a pretty while very much till at last..." 546 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,880 SLURRED: One for you, one for me. Yeah. 547 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,720 "Till at last, certain bubbles issuing out of its mouth, 548 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,600 "it ceased to move and remained moveless for a good while." 549 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,520 - "Remained moveless"? - "Moveless", yeah. 550 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,400 Well, it was in 1665, the book came out, Micrographia. 551 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,640 - Well done. - A gill, by the way, is a quarter of a pint. 552 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:27,760 Wow. 553 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,720 They can hold their booze, can't they, ants? 554 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,680 - Yeah, they can. - Cooee! 555 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,200 - Eight times their body weight. - What was this man's name? 556 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:35,800 Do you remember? 557 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,040 - Audience? - "Do you remember?"! - IAN: Robert Hooke. 558 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,080 Well, yeah, Ian Robinson shouted out. 559 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,080 Ian Robinson is a physicist. That's cheating. 560 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,400 But, yes, Robert Hooke. 561 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:44,960 And he suffered, as many did, 562 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,720 although he was one of the greatest geniuses who ever lived... 563 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:51,240 Isaac Newton was a really thoroughly ghastly man, 564 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,360 and he particularly hated Hooke and had him erased from history, 565 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,440 because anybody who wasn't Newton was just not good enough. 566 00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,360 And all the portraits of him, he got rid of, 567 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,920 because he was so powerful, Newton, 568 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,680 because he was such a genius and so recognised around the world. 569 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:06,000 And an artist named Rita Greer has set herself the task 570 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,600 of creating more portraits of Hooke than there are of Newton, to redress the balance. 571 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:10,680 - Really? - And here's one. 572 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,200 It's based on meticulously researched likenesses of him. 573 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,360 There are now 20 in the world, as opposed to 16 of Newton. 574 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:20,120 So Hooke has won, though, obviously, Newton was a truly great man. 575 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,320 So Newton did this, did he? He was a bit of a wrong'un? 576 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,440 - I'm afraid he was. - A terrible egomaniac. 577 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,120 - Total egomaniac. - Gravity, see, it goes to your head. 578 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,960 Yeah. Gravity goes to your head! 579 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,080 He looks like he's had a few gills of whisky there, doesn't he? 580 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,240 He does a bit, doesn't he? He's a little...bleugh. 581 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,200 He doesn't look as if he's had much sun. 582 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,640 SLURRED: "Look, there's two little ants meeting in a pub." 583 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,080 "Hello!" "Would you like a brandy?" 584 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,800 "Arghhhh." 585 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:53,920 "I love you." "No, I love YOU." 586 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,320 Well, there you go. 587 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,800 On the subject of keeping still, how hard is it to be a nude model? 588 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,000 LAUGHTER 589 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,120 Don't you remember that, Alan? 590 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:13,440 - I do not remember that. - Oh, that was a good night. 591 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,480 It's the woman second from the left 592 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,640 who seems to be, uh, most enjoying the view. 593 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:22,280 - The one with the orange scarf. - Was it cold? Were you being...? 594 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:25,080 She's going to need a bigger pad than that, I tell you. 595 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:31,320 They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they? 596 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,800 "I'll do the helmet." 597 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,280 "Yeah. Oh, you're all right there, yeah." 598 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,280 Were you being funny there, or...? 599 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,320 - That's not really him. - Oh, it's not real? Oh! 600 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:41,440 No, we cleverly made it up. 601 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:42,800 - I assumed... - Bless you. 602 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,680 ..that you would be funny naked. I'm sorry, Alan. 603 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,280 You assumed he'd be funny naked? 604 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,440 Well, that's what I can see. I'm sorry. 605 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:51,680 - Yes. You say what you see. - Yeah. 606 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,960 But there is actually a Register of Artists' Models - 607 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,120 "RAM" - that looks after the interests of models, 608 00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:01,280 and it thinks the idea that life modelling is a breeze is completely wrong. 609 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,760 To keep still for a long while is very, very hard. 610 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,600 - You get pins and needles and cramp. - Yeah. - Pins and needles, cramp. 611 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,080 You have to do one thing at a time. 612 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:10,160 You start with short poses called "gestures" - 613 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,640 bold action-oriented poses - which are used as a warm-up. 614 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,200 You go two minutes, then five minutes 615 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,480 and then eventually 30-plus. 616 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,560 There's more work for women than men. 617 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,320 The classes prefer them 618 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,560 and there are more of them in the market, it appears. 619 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,960 And in 1998, a man called George Bond 620 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:27,640 took Northampton College to an industrial tribunal, 621 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,480 claiming that he was not being employed on the basis of his gender 622 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,480 and that it was sexual discrimination. 623 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,200 In fact, they were able to demonstrate that it was personal, 624 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:38,560 and the reason was he couldn't hold a pose, he fidgeted, 625 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,080 went to the loo too often, had a background in erotic films, 626 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:42,840 which troubled the A-level students, 627 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,080 particularly one 16-year-old at whom he winked when she was drawing. 628 00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,080 - What with? What did he wink with? - They claimed he was... 629 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:50,360 Oh, don't say that! 630 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:53,200 - "What did he wink with?!" - GROANING AND LAUGHTER 631 00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,040 My little eye. 632 00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,720 Having said that, he explained to them 633 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,760 that he didn't have glasses so he was squinting, 634 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,520 but he did also improvise a pose which involved sticking his bottom into the air, 635 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,680 which was described by some students as giving "an unfortunate view". 636 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,040 - So... - They didn't want him. They didn't want him there. 637 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,800 - They didn't want to draw him. - They just didn't want George there. 638 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:15,960 - Get out, George. - So he lost the case. 639 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,520 But there are contentious issues 640 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,960 described by the Register of Artists' Models, 641 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,800 and the contentious issues include 642 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:26,200 raids on studios by amusing non-art students 643 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:27,760 who just want to see a nudey person. 644 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:29,280 - Ah, yes. - Which is very silly. 645 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:32,840 A warning against passing window cleaners. 646 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:35,480 And their policy is to suspend any member - 647 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:37,080 that's an odd way of phrasing it - 648 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,680 who gets an erection during a sitting. 649 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,080 - When I say "Suspend any member"... - "Suspend a member". 650 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,080 - I mean... - Right, OK, yeah. - From a great height. 651 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,840 You'd suspend yourself, wouldn't you? 652 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:47,360 ..are forced out of the Register. 653 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:49,440 You'd have to say, "All right, I'll get my coat." 654 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,440 - Right, yeah. - And then just hang it over the... 655 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,640 Is that like being struck off, then, is it? 656 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:55,960 Yes. Basically, it is, yeah. 657 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:59,040 You can't ever be a nude model if you can't control yourself. 658 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:02,200 - # Keep on moving... # - How did you do that?! 659 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,360 BILL: How are you doing that?! 660 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:07,400 ALAN: You're suspended! Out! 661 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:12,520 That's why I'm banned from RAM. 662 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,920 - Yeah. - That was very impressive. 663 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,200 That's with his clothes on as well. 664 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,920 ♪ Keep on moving... ♪ 665 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:24,320 Let's give him a gill of brandy and see... 666 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,680 An AA Gill of brandy! Absolutely. 667 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:30,600 Well, there you are, that's RAM. 668 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:32,360 Now, Little Bo Peep keeps lesbian sheep, 669 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,960 but doesn't know how to find them. Can you help? Oh, look at that. 670 00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:39,760 - Lesbian sheep. - Right. - How can you tell if sheep are lesbian? 671 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:41,560 Well... 672 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:43,160 - By their conduct. - Yes. 673 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,760 Trouble is, you can't. You can with so many species. 674 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:51,560 Can't you...just with the wafts of k.d. lang coming from the field? 675 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:55,520 k.d. lamb! Is it something to do with sex? 676 00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:59,800 - Well, no, the funny thing is, ewes just stand still. - If they want sex? 677 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:01,640 So you can't tell if sheep are lesbians, 678 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:03,200 and yet, this is also true. 679 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,640 We have had a huge problem with lesbian sheep. 680 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:08,560 What? It's not my fault. 681 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:14,040 - We have. How did this happen? - Well, they're not producing any lambs? 682 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:15,360 No, they were. 683 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:17,720 But you can't tell whether a sheep's lesbian or not. 684 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:21,960 - So the rams don't know? - Think of the word. - Lesbian, sheep. 685 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:23,720 - It has two meanings. - Problem. 686 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:27,800 - One is sapphic, preferring their own kind, female, gay, homosexual. - Yeah. 687 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:32,040 - The other is from the island of... - Lesbos. - Yes. 688 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,280 Sheep from the island of Lesbos were transported around Europe and 689 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:36,920 they had foot and mouth disease, 690 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,200 and they communicated it all around Europe. 691 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:42,680 So Lesbian sheep were responsible for an outbreak in 1994. 692 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:48,080 Well, you needed Jonathan Creek to get that one, I'm afraid. 693 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:53,840 There you are. So that's pretty exciting, isn't it? 694 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,320 No, it's not, really. 695 00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:01,240 You know how you said the lady ones just stand still if they want sex? 696 00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:05,120 - Yeah. - Do the lesbian ones stand still close together 697 00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:06,680 so that they can do stuff? 698 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,920 - No! - Or are they all just sparsely standing apart? 699 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,640 They're all waiting for someone else to make the first move. 700 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:16,120 The ram will do it, the ram will tup her, as the word is used. 701 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,080 Bloody rams! 702 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:22,040 Good word, tup. We don't use it as often as we should. Tup. 703 00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:23,960 JASON: I've never heard it before. 704 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,080 No. I know what my tuppence is. 705 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,680 Now, on to keeping time. 706 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,440 When is the present? 707 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:35,040 Wow. Uh...now? 708 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:37,040 - ALARM BLARES - No! 709 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,200 I knew it! 710 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,520 No, unfortunately, it was about 70 milliseconds ago. 711 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,240 We're always 70 milliseconds behind. 712 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:44,840 They were good times, man. 713 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:49,160 The time taken between light hitting the eye and being processed 714 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:50,920 is about 70 milliseconds. 715 00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,320 - Which you may say isn't much. - So is it then, then? 716 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:54,920 It's then, exactly. 717 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:59,360 But if, at a reasonably mild 85 miles per hour, 718 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:03,360 a cricket ball or tennis ball, that would be 10 feet. 719 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:06,600 So you really have to anticipate where the ball... 720 00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:09,200 - So you're seeing the ball in the future? - Yeah. 721 00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:11,320 And you have to predict the future. 722 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:13,120 Yeah, you have to predict where it will be. 723 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,720 Because your brain won't see it until it's already passed. 724 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:17,880 - So you have to just... - You guess it'll be there. 725 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:19,600 You're used to the course it's taken, 726 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,920 you can see it from the racket or the bowler's arm, 727 00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:25,320 but you don't have time physically to see the ball with your eye. 728 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,360 It's passed you. Bowlers bowl up to 100 miles an hour. 729 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,200 - Tennis serves are way faster. - Yes. 730 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:32,640 Researchers at the University of Tokyo 731 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,960 have proved how we are indeed incapable of this kind of speed 732 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:39,600 by building a robotic hand that can play Paper Scissors Stone 733 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:41,920 and always beat a human being. 734 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:46,520 Because it can read our gestures quicker than we can read them. 735 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,240 Its processing is so much faster than ours. 736 00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:51,960 We've got a bit of VT of this. Here we go. 737 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,120 You've hardly got time to see it yourself, it's so quick. 738 00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:58,960 It wins 100% of the time. 739 00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,640 - It won't beat me. - That's the scissors... 740 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:05,080 We didn't have a telly for ten years growing up. I'm brilliant at that game. 741 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:08,560 But you have to... It just reads your hand movement before... 742 00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:10,720 Even so, Stephen. I think I could take it. 743 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:13,960 What if your hand was underneath the table 744 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,840 and then you brought it out? 745 00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:18,280 Cos it hasn't seen you do it then. So you could beat it. 746 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,560 So if you cheated, it would... Yeah. 747 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:24,400 - It's not cheating, if you're shy or something. - That's not how the game is played. 748 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,200 Somebody's playing Rock Paper Scissors with a robot. 749 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:29,800 That's the future, isn't it, really? 750 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,760 It's how it all begins, it's how Skynet first adapted the cyborg. 751 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,720 - Really? - Yeah! It starts with chess, games. 752 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:39,720 A robot, we've sent him back from the future to play Rock Paper Scissors! 753 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,800 It's absolutely astonishing, it is beating our own brain, 754 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,480 which is the most extraordinary thing we know in the universe, 755 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:50,560 at perception and time and reflex, in a small way. 756 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,080 I played chess against a computer on a flight. 757 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:54,920 Oh, yeah? 758 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,320 And it turns out I'm rubbish at chess. 759 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,440 After a few games, I'd lost every one, 760 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,600 the computer started taking its king out 761 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:04,800 and putting it right in the middle of the board... 762 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:07,920 ..completely on its own, 763 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,440 and then I would really struggle to pin it down. 764 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,160 Oh, no! 765 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:14,880 I did, I did win a couple of games, it was immensely satisfying. 766 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,880 They're so good, chess programmes now, it's frightening. 767 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,280 But I mean, you know, in terms of human achievements, 768 00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,120 poetry, music, suchlike... 769 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,520 - Oh, yes. - They're way behind. 770 00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,920 - Yes, of course. - And they haven't passed what's called 771 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,840 the Turing test, which is the most important thing for a machine. 772 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:34,520 Alan Turing posited a test which was whether or not you could conduct a conversation 773 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,400 with an artificial machine in such a way 774 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,960 that you wouldn't know it was an artificial machine. 775 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:41,160 And if it passes that stage, 776 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:44,200 that really is a moment in computer development. 777 00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,880 It's quite scary then. Then you've got a consciousness... 778 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:48,840 What sort of questions would you ask? 779 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:51,000 - To check it? - Are you a machine? 780 00:34:52,720 --> 00:34:54,880 Yeah, that's going to help! 781 00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:58,320 - That's right. - And when it goes... 782 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:01,000 ROBOTICALLY: "No!" Ohhh... 783 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,960 Let's just assume that it won't be that easy! 784 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:09,520 If it lies to win, that really would be the next step of evolution. 785 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,640 What's your happiest memory? Things like that. 786 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:13,080 ROBOTIC VOICE: Just now. 787 00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,080 That would give it away! 788 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,680 Switching on this morning. 789 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,000 Oh, it's a beautiful moment. No, I live in the moment. 790 00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:26,040 "Well, 17 milliseconds before the moment." 791 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:31,480 Anyway, here's a test to show you how easy it is to keep 792 00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:32,800 an image in your head. 793 00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:36,800 This is the departure board at Grand Central Station in New York, 794 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,440 try and memorise it. All right? 795 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:43,040 Now, the question is, when does the next train to White Plains leave? 796 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:44,240 12.25. 797 00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:47,400 SIREN 798 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,240 - 12.48? - No, it's really mean of me. 799 00:35:50,240 --> 00:35:52,200 - Oh... - In Grand Central Station, 800 00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:55,400 all trains depart a minute after the time given. 801 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:57,920 Well, that's... I was right! 802 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:02,680 But you had to know that in Grand Central Station they have a minute's 803 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:05,880 gate time to allow you, without accidents, not to have to run... 804 00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:09,040 I know, it's so unfair on you. I'm really sorry! 805 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:11,840 You memorised it so well. I feel like such a pig. 806 00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:15,080 Did you secretly flick a V? 807 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:19,240 - Yes, I totally did. - You totally did! 808 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:24,400 - Anyway, sorry, yes, they have this gate time. - They don't do that here. 809 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,760 - Quite the reverse, exactly. - It's impossible. - Yeah. 810 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:29,200 The service is now leaving. 811 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:32,120 My wife was pregnant, coming down the steps, and they shut the door. 812 00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,640 I said, "There's my wife there. She's pregnant. 813 00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:37,160 "Can you wait just 19 seconds?" 814 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:40,400 Because it was before the time the train was supposed to go. "No." 815 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:42,720 - Seriously? You missed the train? - They shut the doors. 816 00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:45,520 - They shut the doors. - You could have just left her. 817 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:51,480 - She can get the next one. - "Darling, you take the next one." - Oh, fine. 818 00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:56,080 - Here's an interesting thing. Have you been to India? - Yes. 819 00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:58,680 Do you remember India's time difference from us? 820 00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:00,560 Five or six hours. 821 00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:03,600 It's actually five-and-a-half hours. 822 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:05,800 But there is a very interesting thing 823 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:08,080 about a five-and-a-half hour difference. 824 00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:11,040 You'd think, "Oh, God, how am I going to work out the difference?" 825 00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:13,360 Old Aggers put me onto this, the cricket commentator, 826 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:14,920 because he's often in India. 827 00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:18,160 He said, "This is what you want to do, old boy, take your watch." 828 00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:22,400 So here we are, let's say it's 9:05 in England. 829 00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:23,720 Right? 830 00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:28,200 - If you turn the watch upside down, you get... - 2:35. 831 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:32,560 Yeah. And that's the time it is five-and-a-half hours ahead. 832 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,520 - So it's just the watch upside down. - Mine's digital. 833 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:37,440 There you are, you see? 834 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:41,400 - Well, that's useless! - It's 8:15. - Oh, that's hopeless, I'm afraid. 835 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:43,720 But with an analogue watch, as you can see, it works. 836 00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:48,160 - That's brilliant. - It's really neat, isn't it? - Clever. - Well neat. 837 00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:51,200 Neaty, neat, neat. Why do clocks go clockwise? 838 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,040 Why do they go that way round? 839 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:56,720 - Because that's the way we see things, isn't it? - Not necessarily. 840 00:37:56,720 --> 00:37:59,800 - Because it's forward. - There's a particular reason. 841 00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:03,760 And it's in the Northern Hemisphere, that's how sundials, 842 00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:05,480 sun moves that way round. 843 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:09,560 So we're just used to the shadow from the gnomon of the sundial. 844 00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:12,520 Now a question about keeping quiet. 845 00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,640 SOFTLY: How quiet is the quietest place in the world? 846 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,520 - Well quiet. - Well quiet. 847 00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:24,360 Is it...? There's an anechoic chamber somewhere in America. 848 00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:26,280 There is. There's one in Britain too. 849 00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:27,600 - And there's one here? - Yeah. 850 00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,080 Which is... It's completely devoid of all sound. 851 00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:33,680 - And it sort of absorbs sound when you go in it. - That's right. 852 00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:35,800 It's at the University of Salford, 853 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:39,200 and it is minus 12.4 decibels. 854 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:40,600 As you can see there, 855 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:44,080 it's got all these sort of wedges and things to stop any kind of echoing. 856 00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:47,080 Actually there's a hemi-anechoic chamber, 857 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:48,880 with a reverberation chamber as well, 858 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:50,920 in the National Physical Laboratory, 859 00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:54,280 and I went there and I recorded myself popping a balloon, 860 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,360 first in the reverberation chamber 861 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,280 and then in the hemi-anechoic chamber, 862 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:00,240 which is slightly less than a full anechoic, 863 00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:02,200 but it's still pretty bloody amaze-oid. 864 00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:04,360 Did I just say "amaze-oid"? How tragic. 865 00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:05,520 You really did. 866 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:08,360 Oh, God, I'm sad. Hang on. 867 00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:13,040 ECHOING RECORDING OF STEPHEN: 'I am in the reverberation chamber. 868 00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:17,040 'It's extraordinary. 869 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:19,400 'Wow! 870 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:23,360 'Arrgh! I'm going to burst the balloon now.' 871 00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:26,920 EXTENDED ECHOING POP 872 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:30,520 - So remember that. - Right. That's the balloon. 873 00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:33,480 That's the reverberation chamber. OK, it's still going. 874 00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:37,840 - 'Gee, that was fantastic!' - LAUGHTER 875 00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:40,200 'Just an ordinary ickle balloon!' 876 00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,440 You were off your face in there, weren't you? 877 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:48,080 ECHOLESS RECORDING: 'And now I am in a hemi-anechoic chamber. 878 00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:50,760 - 'Here we go. Three, two, one.' - SHARP POP 879 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,080 Isn't that incredible? 880 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,120 'It's a dead flat sound. How exciting is that?' 881 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,080 - There we are. That's it. - That is amazing. 882 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:06,840 Thank you. Thank you to the National Physical Laboratory. 883 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,000 So, who has the world's biggest mouth? 884 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,440 - Blue whale. - Oh! 885 00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:12,240 SIREN BLARES 886 00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:14,440 It wouldn't be QI, would it, Alan? 887 00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:17,240 Oh, the strange thing is, you're so close. 888 00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:20,120 The blue whale's the biggest animal on earth that's ever been. 889 00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:22,760 The second-biggest has the biggest mouth, oddly enough. 890 00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:24,600 Another whale? A different sort of whale? 891 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,120 It's another whale, yes. It's usually found in the Arctic. 892 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:28,440 - Oh, right. - Under the ice pack. 893 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:30,360 It's a hugely slow animal, beautiful. 894 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:34,040 One was found recently that had an 1870s harpoon in it. 895 00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:36,120 It was still alive. They live a very long time. 896 00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:37,680 - Good gosh. - Huge things. 897 00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:41,400 They've got a lovely smile on their face that is curved, bit like a bow. 898 00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:43,240 So they're known as...? 899 00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:44,680 Bowhead whales. 900 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:46,200 Aren't they marvellous? 901 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,280 Beautiful. The idea of killing them is just... 902 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,240 But they have the most blubber of any whale. 903 00:40:50,240 --> 00:40:53,640 That's probably why he's not so happy. Yeah. 904 00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:56,560 The bowhead has a unique organ in its mouth. 905 00:40:56,560 --> 00:40:58,520 There's really nothing quite like it. 906 00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:00,960 The only thing you could say is like it, frankly... 907 00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:02,360 Those are its baleen plates - 908 00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:05,360 the sort of hairy feathery bits that it sieves food with. 909 00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:09,520 - Wow. - But the bit underneath it isn't a tongue, it's actually more like a penis. 910 00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:12,240 - I know that sounds silly, but it's... - Sounds great. 911 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:13,600 Well, yes... 912 00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:20,240 I was supposed to just think that, sorry. 913 00:41:20,240 --> 00:41:21,800 It's fine. 914 00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:23,920 It is a sort of material. 915 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,320 I mean, a fleshy material that engorges... 916 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:32,240 ..it engorges with blood and becomes absolutely huge with blood. 917 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,880 - Erect. - And erect, in its mouth. - Yes. 918 00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,680 And it cools it, because it takes all the blood right up 919 00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,880 and it pushes it out and gets the water over it. 920 00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:42,320 So when it overheats, all this water goes... 921 00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:44,920 and all its blood is in its sort of mouth cock, 922 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:46,600 if you can call it that. 923 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:50,000 - We SHALL call it that. - The way of cooling the mouth. 924 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:51,800 SARAH CACKLES 925 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:53,480 The way of cooling its brain. 926 00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:57,320 It's the corpus cavernosum maxillaris, is its proper name. 927 00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,640 - "Mouth cock". - But it's a tissue... - "Mouth cock." 928 00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:02,440 It opens the mouth, the Arctic water flows in. 929 00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:05,000 - Mouth organ. - Cools the organ. - Yeah. 930 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,640 - "Mouth organ"! That's much better. - There you go. 931 00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:09,240 And that cools its brain. 932 00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:11,560 So it's a kind of 12-foot-long penis in its mouth. 933 00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:14,880 12-foot-long, I mean, it's like a lamp post in length. 934 00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:17,680 I don't think he's a member of the RAM society. 935 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:19,400 No, I don't think he is. 936 00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:22,920 - So it's like its own thermostat, then, really. So it's... - Yes. 937 00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:24,880 - Yeah. - Absolutely, a cooling system. - Oh, OK. 938 00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:28,000 So, anyway, there's your bowhead whale. 939 00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:31,040 Now, that brings us to the business of the scores. 940 00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,960 Oh, I say, damn, it's close. 941 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,800 In first place, with minus 7, it's Bill Bailey! 942 00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:38,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 943 00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:45,840 - And second-equal, with minus 9, it's Jason and Sarah. - Oh, wow! 944 00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:53,720 Fourth place, with minus 10, is the audience! 945 00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:56,600 Yes! 946 00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,920 But our runaway loser, with minus 27, is Alan Davies. 947 00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,000 Very good. Good work. 948 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:13,520 So, it's thanks from Sarah, Jason, Bill, Alan and me. 949 00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:15,920 You all keep in touch now, you hear? Goodbye.