1 00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:04,935 Well, nothing brightens up a rainy day like a Scotch tasting, guys. Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:05,171 --> 00:00:07,731 - It's not raining. Hasn't in months. - Shh. Don't ruin it. 3 00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:10,408 There's a forest fire. You should turn on the news. 4 00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:13,976 This is a 15-year-old French Oak reserve. 5 00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:19,311 - Mm. A note of cedar, vanilla, tobacky. - Boozy. 6 00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:21,952 Hunting, fishing, shooting. 7 00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:25,954 Fatherhood, bonding, sadness. 8 00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:28,954 - Please don't leave me. - Cheers, guys. Put her there. 9 00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:32,130 - Cheers. - To a nice, quiet evening. 10 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,526 - Tranquil. - This moment is so chill... 11 00:00:34,801 --> 00:00:37,269 ...and absent of drama, I wanna call it "Tim Duncan." 12 00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:41,372 I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing decision. You are gonna help me. 13 00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:43,735 NICK: Oh. - Yeah. 14 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:49,005 - That is $45 worth of Scotch right there. - It tastes disgusting. I don't like it. 15 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,047 [SINGING] Who's that girl? 16 00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:53,776 CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess 17 00:00:58,158 --> 00:01:01,992 So obviously Nick has told you I've been volunteering at the Children's Museum... 18 00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:04,560 ...and hitting it off with the curator, Candace. 19 00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:05,991 In my way, I have. 20 00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,392 - Never heard. - Thank God. 21 00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:08,759 Come on. 22 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:12,369 Give me one second. I've gotta play a round of "Car Keys Monte"... 23 00:01:12,605 --> 00:01:15,836 ...with Kevin-97 or he'll try to drive. - Ha, ha. 24 00:01:16,042 --> 00:01:18,306 So about a month ago, Candace calls me and tells me... 25 00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:22,641 ...there might be a fundraising position opening up, and I'd be perfect for it. 26 00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:24,713 Here we go. Look for the keys. 27 00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:27,579 She keeps pushing for an answer. I keep putting her off. 28 00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:31,017 I say, "Thank you, but I already have ajob. Me teacher." 29 00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:32,213 [CHUCKLES] 30 00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:36,156 - That's a grammarjoke. You get it. - Look at the jukebox for a sec. 31 00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:38,261 When I think of teachers I think of two things: 32 00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:40,296 - Jessica Day and pornography. - Ooh. 33 00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:43,896 I've wanted to be a teacher, but my school's a disaster. 34 00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:45,866 Justice Brandeis believed that when... 35 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,666 - Ms. Day? - Education's Principal Foster, everybody. 36 00:01:50,076 --> 00:01:52,237 Thank you so much. 37 00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:57,212 Ms. Day, we have hit a construction hiccup in our renovation... 38 00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,715 ...so everybody's gonna have to be sharing classroom space. 39 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,979 What? Oh. 40 00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:07,523 Do you have a freezer or should I flush these frogs? My check comes either way. 41 00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:10,122 Oh, come on. 42 00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:14,560 Foster's sticking us with the math kids that use letters instead of numbers? 43 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:15,927 Do you mean algebra? 44 00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:18,131 I guess. 45 00:02:18,404 --> 00:02:20,599 Anyway, it's gonna be a couple of crazy months. 46 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,899 - I'm sorry, months? - Right. 47 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:28,080 Years if the bond issue fails, which it might, since voters are trending anti-future. 48 00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:30,475 Anti-future? Who's anti-future? 49 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:34,117 I don't know. The Amish? The dying? 50 00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:39,450 Television industry, print media, record industry, railroad industry... 51 00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:42,855 ...karaoke machine owners. You got this? 52 00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,859 I'm gonna go not smoke pot. 53 00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:49,099 - So my phone rings... - We telling phone stories? Nice. 54 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:50,962 - No, work. - So your phone rings? 55 00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:53,638 And it's Candace officially offering me the job. 56 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:57,934 - And I told her I'd think about it. - Wow, you not being a school teacher? 57 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,875 You have found my flabbergast button, and guess what. You've pressed it. 58 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:05,414 - I'm flabbergasted as hell too. - I've been a teacher my entire life. 59 00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:09,418 I've always wanted to be a teacher. Maybe I should be doing something else. 60 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,625 I don't know. How do you know when you're on the right path? 61 00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:14,258 [ALL MUMBLING] 62 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,292 - That wasn't a rhetorical question. BOTH: Oh! 63 00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:21,626 What I like to do is just take a drive up the PCH, maybe. 64 00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:25,401 Guys. Candace is calling at 6 to find out my final answer. 65 00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:26,629 - Whoa! - What? 66 00:03:26,839 --> 00:03:30,832 I'm sorry you're in such a pickle, but I'm not sorry that I get to time something. 67 00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:34,046 - Nineteen minutes, people, just to be clear. - All right. 68 00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:36,043 Nineteen minutes until 6:00. 69 00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:40,548 - I'm not sure this is helping. - This brings a whole new level of tension. 70 00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:43,653 - This is a life-changing decision. COACH: Forty-six seconds. 71 00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:49,325 Seventeen minutes till 6:00. Seventeen minutes, Jess. 72 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:53,464 - Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? - Familiar with Rollergirl's relationship... 73 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,861 ...to her skates in Boogie Nights? - Yes. 74 00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:59,401 Well, I'm not, because I don't watch movies. I time them. 75 00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:02,099 They're pornographers, but also a family. 76 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:05,867 155:30 official running time, my round ass. 77 00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:09,882 Jess, choosing a career path is never easy. 78 00:04:10,116 --> 00:04:12,516 - But what I've found... - Shut up, dude. 79 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:16,381 She's looking for career advice. Yourjob could be done by a vending machine. 80 00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:20,491 Guys, don't be mean. So Nick doesn't have a traditional career. 81 00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:22,752 Or is it the most traditional? 82 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,324 I'm thinking about prostitution. 83 00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:28,193 As you all know, I'm the expert at changing career paths. 84 00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:29,765 We're now bragging? 85 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:32,767 I'm referring to my decision to quit playing basketball. 86 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:35,770 Jess, I will tell you this. It was not easy. 87 00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:37,536 It all began... 88 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,371 JESS: Come on, Winston. Move it along. WINSTON: Okay, Jess, fine. 89 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:43,582 But don't blame me if you get lost in the nooks and crannies... 90 00:04:43,816 --> 00:04:48,719 ...of this crazy English muffin we call Winston's life. 91 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:52,617 I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth best team in Latvia. 92 00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:55,225 Winnie the Bish! Winnie the Bish! 93 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:58,726 - Winnie the Bish! - Thanks for coming to watch me play, guys. 94 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:02,059 We didn't watch you play, we watched you sit, which was still fun. 95 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:05,567 - Any chance to get to Latvia, right, guys? - I haven't played all year. 96 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:09,866 They barely let me practice, but, you know, like I always say, "All about them lots." 97 00:05:10,109 --> 00:05:12,600 That's when you decided to change course? Makes sense. 98 00:05:12,845 --> 00:05:15,575 - My takeaway from that... - Still building to the decision. 99 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:18,784 - You are traded to Kraslava City. - The Outdoor League? 100 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:24,012 - Man, they play on a hillside. - I give you surprise tip: Uphill basket better. 101 00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:25,781 JESS: And then you decided...? WINSTON: Ah. 102 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,028 I'm going fast! 103 00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:30,695 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 104 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,322 You'll never play basketball again. 105 00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:35,291 [SHOUTS] 106 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:39,831 And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball. 107 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,940 Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it. 108 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,610 - I mean, that's what I did... - You didn't walk away. 109 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,473 You decided nothing. That story contained zero decisions. 110 00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:52,151 I decided to stop playing the game of basketball... 111 00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:54,751 ...when my doctor told me I had to stop. 112 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,846 Okay. Okay, all right. 113 00:05:58,124 --> 00:06:02,151 It was my decision to start to play the game of basketball... 114 00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:05,421 You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born. 115 00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:10,932 Damn, do I even like basketball? My goodness, have I ever made decisions? 116 00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:13,468 Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant? 117 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:16,539 All right, good job, buddy. Really good. Thanks. 118 00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:19,870 - Lf I may be so bold... - Nick, please. Winston, have a seat. 119 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:23,514 - I was literally about to give advice. - She's heard one cautionary tale. 120 00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:27,516 She does not need to hear another. What she needs to hear is my story. 121 00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:30,188 A story of hard choices. A story of paths taken. 122 00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:34,826 A story that I like to call "Kablamo McYeah Bro." 123 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,085 You stupid bastard. 124 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:39,389 The title has nothing to do with the story. But you need a hook. 125 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,863 - It all began... JESS: Come on, Schmidt. 126 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,797 Only one story in the world can begin in a hospital? 127 00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:46,629 I volunteered a lot in college. 128 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,103 But I shone brightest as a candy-striper. 129 00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:54,504 Sick people wanted me. Dying people wanted to be me. 130 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,681 I was the total candy-striping package. 131 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,851 Yet I remained invisible to the one whose gaze I desired most. 132 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,544 NICK: Invisible? You were like a 300-pound wall of peppermint bark. 133 00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,724 SCHMIDT: Her badge said "RN" for Registered Nurse. 134 00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:09,223 As far as I was concerned, it said "NILH," "Nurse I'd Like to Hug." 135 00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:12,260 Not even the baggiest scrubs could hide her splendid form. 136 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:19,196 Where does a guy have to volunteer to get a girl like that, huh? 137 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:23,000 I don't volunteer. I'm a man. I have ajob. 138 00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:25,039 In marketing. 139 00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:28,041 SCHMIDT: Obviously, I was far too fat to work in marketing... 140 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,215 ... so I got a job any dumb slob could do. 141 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,941 Relax, man. It's your first day. 142 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,954 SCHMIDT: For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack for selling Christmas trees. 143 00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:40,158 Not only did my center of gravity make me freakishly strong... 144 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:44,352 ... but I could also sell like the wind, because I understood one fundamental truth: 145 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:48,862 When you're buying Christmas trees, you're really buying sex. 146 00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:51,569 You always been short? I've always been fat. 147 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:56,264 But, who cares how God made you? Don't let him put you in a skin box. 148 00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:59,910 At the end of the day, I'm a fat guy standing in front of a short guy... 149 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:03,377 ...telling him that I think we found his tree. 150 00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:06,380 Wasn't long before I caught the attention of Old Man McCue. 151 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:09,645 Christmas Tree King of Syracuse. Inventor of triple netting. 152 00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:11,346 [COOLIO'S "GANGSTER'S PARADISE" PLAYING] 153 00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:12,956 However... 154 00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:16,317 In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel... 155 00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:20,157 Billy Joel is definitely alive, and he's definitely not a knight. 156 00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:21,593 - The good do die young. 157 00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:24,429 As I walked through the valley Of the shadow of death 158 00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:27,697 I take a look at my life And realize there's nothin'left 159 00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:30,569 'Cause I've been blastin'and laughin'so long 160 00:08:30,776 --> 00:08:33,643 That even my mama thinks That my mind is goin' 161 00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,245 [EKG BEEPING] 162 00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:39,179 When you're on your deathbed, when your life has been lived... 163 00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:44,151 ...you're never gonna say, "I wish I'd spent more time with my family." 164 00:08:45,558 --> 00:08:49,995 Because money and everything it buys... 165 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:56,264 ...you can take it with you. 166 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,959 [EKG FLATLINING] 167 00:09:10,182 --> 00:09:14,175 Interesting. Money. Actually, the museum job pays more than the teaching job. 168 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,911 [STAMMERING] 169 00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:19,148 Then what are we talking about here? Done deal. Case closed. 170 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,225 - Follow them ducats. - It's not always about money, Schmidt. 171 00:09:22,461 --> 00:09:25,726 Guys, look, it's almost 6, and Candace is insanely punctual... 172 00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:29,799 You know one of the best career choices of the future? 173 00:09:30,036 --> 00:09:31,128 Driveways. 174 00:09:33,339 --> 00:09:35,170 You're welcome. 175 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,313 - Jess, the museum job pays more. - All right. 176 00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:45,983 - The decision's been made. - No. 177 00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:48,516 You know the difference between more and less? 178 00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,984 - Yes. - All my decisions have been made for me. 179 00:09:51,223 --> 00:09:53,851 I'm only in sports radio because I played basketball. 180 00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:57,893 I played basketball because somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby. 181 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:01,361 What if somebody gave baby Winston a flower? Then what would I be? 182 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,091 - Beekeeper. - Hummingbird farmer. 183 00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:04,360 Does water shoot out? 184 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:08,665 - Lf so, you'd be a hilarious comedian. - Wait, guys, this is classic after-6 topics. 185 00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:12,708 Look, there has to be more to this than money. I want to care about what I do. 186 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:15,539 Don't you miss getting your hands dirty and selling? 187 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:18,614 I've moved up in the world. I'm not freezing, covered in sap. 188 00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:22,012 I'm making spreadsheets. It's like Old Man McCue used to say: 189 00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:25,382 "The reward is in the destination. It's not in the journey." 190 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:30,392 Was he wise or senile? Because he's mixed up a lot of really well-known sayings. 191 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,530 Jess, you're gonna wanna listen to me. 192 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,858 Anyone else here named after their career? 193 00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,227 [CHUCKLES] 194 00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:38,363 People call you "Markety"? 195 00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:40,129 Not yet. 196 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:41,965 Too bad. Because that's awesome. 197 00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:44,402 No, no, no. 198 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,736 Hands up, Ulvis. 199 00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,878 Ball screen, Vlad, come on. 200 00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:49,581 There we go, yes! 201 00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:52,079 Bishop, finger out of your nose. Now. 202 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,649 Ernie's a really good coach. 203 00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:56,854 - Maybe we should call him "Coach." - We should call him "Coach." 204 00:10:57,089 --> 00:10:59,421 - You do it first. Yeah. - Uh, Coach. 205 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,150 - That's a great name. High five. - Yeah. 206 00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:04,396 Now I think you see what I mean. 207 00:11:04,630 --> 00:11:06,564 - No, I really don't. COACH: My point is... 208 00:11:06,799 --> 00:11:10,235 ...don't overthink it, Jess. The call's coming from inside the house. 209 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:13,969 - Wha...? - Be who you are and do what you do. 210 00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:17,607 What if I don't know who I am and I'm capable of doing a lot of things? 211 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,071 Then you are on your own. 212 00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:23,008 Good stuff, Coach. Would it help to think about your first day as a teacher? 213 00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,683 I think about the first time I ever poured a drink... 214 00:11:25,951 --> 00:11:27,578 - Boo! Get off the stage. - Nick. 215 00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:30,584 That's interesting. The first day I ever taught. 216 00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:32,790 Portland Country Day... 217 00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,493 ... five-time Pacific Northwest squash champions. 218 00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:37,923 Go, Rhododendrons! 219 00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:41,691 If I was chalk, where would I be? 220 00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:44,299 If I were chalk, where would I be? 221 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,995 Slip up like that in front of the kids, Day, and they'll eat you alive. 222 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,504 [GASPS] 223 00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:54,210 Eddie Pascucci kicked my ass because I'm new. 224 00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,348 Well, guess what. I'm new too. 225 00:11:57,583 --> 00:12:00,552 I got lost trying to find the upper dining garden. 226 00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:03,653 Oh. That's over by the hedge maze and the stables. 227 00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:05,322 I haven't met my horse yet. 228 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,159 Ha, ha. Let's get you cleaned up. 229 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,828 All of these jackets have cash in the pockets. 230 00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:14,692 It's like a $50,000 lost and found. Here, try this one. 231 00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,734 Yep. You look great, Clifton. 232 00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:21,872 This doesn't fit. Eddie Pascucci beats up the unstylish. 233 00:12:22,108 --> 00:12:24,668 Yeah, that's right. We had an ethnic gay bully. 234 00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:29,537 He's gonna have to come through me first. 235 00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:32,080 Clifton Collins needed someone to believe in him. 236 00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:36,515 So I started tutoring him in math, and he became the best math student in school. 237 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,657 Let's look him up and see how happy and amazing he's doing. 238 00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,860 - Yeah. - I think that'll fire you up. 239 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,096 Never mind. No trace of him. 240 00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:50,166 - What? - I'm really good at this. Let me see. 241 00:12:50,402 --> 00:12:52,666 - You found him. He's right here. - No, I didn't. 242 00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:54,702 - It's not him. - Yeah, he's right there. 243 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,204 We're not the only ones looking. So is the FBI. 244 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:58,671 - What? SCHMIDT: He's a criminal. 245 00:12:58,878 --> 00:13:01,369 No. Oh, my God. 246 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,378 "Clifton 'Baby Madoff' Collins"? 247 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:08,951 "Wanted for 53 counts of embezzlement." 248 00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:12,453 - Sounds like the math took. - Ugh! Screw me. 249 00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:16,287 Like, maybe I wasn't reaching the kids at all. 250 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:18,861 [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY OVER SPEAKERS] 251 00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:23,926 Okay, you know what? Miller up. 252 00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:26,900 - Excuse me? - It's like "Fill 'er up," but with Miller. 253 00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:28,970 - Don't. - I'm about to fill you up. 254 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:30,732 - That's gross. - With my stories. 255 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,274 - That's disgusting. - What's disgusting about it? 256 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,947 My first year of law school, I made an important discovery. 257 00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:40,880 Look left. Look right. Next year, one of you will be gone. 258 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:42,947 What a cliché, huh? 259 00:13:44,223 --> 00:13:46,316 Oh, you wrote that down? 260 00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:52,964 You'll be gone. I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna be fine, gonna be right here. 261 00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:54,723 Take it easy, guy to my right. 262 00:13:55,301 --> 00:13:58,737 I discovered that I hated being around these people. 263 00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:00,962 But second year, I made another discovery. 264 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,834 I hated being around myself. 265 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,134 So my third year, I wanted to find a place where I belonged. 266 00:14:06,378 --> 00:14:09,779 Where I could look to my left or look to my right, and like what I saw... 267 00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,573 SCHMIDT: Love you in that scarf. 268 00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:13,978 That place? Perhaps you guessed it. 269 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:18,350 - This very bar. WINSTON: Get out of town. What a twist. 270 00:14:18,557 --> 00:14:21,253 [THE FRAY'S "HOW TO SAVE A LIFE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 271 00:14:22,394 --> 00:14:24,521 JESS: How long has that guy been here? NICK: Kevin-97? 272 00:14:24,763 --> 00:14:27,288 Since 1997, Jess. Why else would we call him...? 273 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,125 I don't know. Move it along. 274 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:32,201 True, I wasn't loving law school, but my grades were fine. 275 00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:34,939 I even signed up for the California State Bar. 276 00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:39,436 And then, one day, Red over-served himself... 277 00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:42,940 ...and everything changed. JESS: You went behind the bar... 278 00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:46,117 ...quit law school, became a bartender? - There's more to it. 279 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:49,014 - Two minutes. - I honestly don't know what to do. 280 00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:51,052 - I have so little time. - Hey. 281 00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:54,054 Cece, have you ever questioned your entire career? 282 00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:56,352 Duh. I'm a 31-year-old model. 283 00:14:56,629 --> 00:15:00,030 My last job was for a phone sex ad, and I was the one calling. 284 00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:03,235 Tell me what to do. Don't tell me to ask the guys. I tried. 285 00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:06,131 Don't tell me to think about my first student, Clifton. 286 00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:09,239 Okay, no, wait, your first student was not Clifton. 287 00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:11,238 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 288 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:17,613 Lady, she's still got one minute. 289 00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:23,046 That was a butt dial from your mother. She is up to no good. 290 00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:29,558 Cece, bring it fast and bring it hard. You have 53 seconds. 291 00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:31,887 [SIGHS] 292 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:38,000 - Are you okay? - Yes. 293 00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:42,367 No. I think I need glasses, unless crying makes your eyes not work. 294 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:46,167 I can't read this, but even when I can, I don't understand it. 295 00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:49,848 Crying makes your eyes work better. After I finished Sophie's Choice... 296 00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:52,277 ...I could see in the dark for a week. 297 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,283 Here's what I do when I lose mine. 298 00:15:59,491 --> 00:16:01,891 Oh, this is interesting. 299 00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,425 - We'll learn together. - Everyone'll laugh at us. 300 00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:07,598 They can drive it or milk it, as far as I'm concerned. 301 00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:10,461 I don't know what that means. I heard my dad say it. 302 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,104 My dad just died. 303 00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:22,303 Well, if you want to come over and listen to mine say: 304 00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:25,573 "They can drive it or milk it," you can. 305 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,787 He's also got one about the turds at City Hall. 306 00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:31,255 Thanks. 307 00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:36,024 [BOTH LAUGHING] 308 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:42,230 - I'm Cece. - Jess. 309 00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:45,930 I was your first student. 310 00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:48,197 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 311 00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:52,208 Oh. 312 00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:55,643 Hey, Candace. 313 00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:58,312 Yeah, actually... 314 00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,279 ...I'm not gonna take the job. 315 00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:05,123 Yeah, I'll see you Sunday. Okay. Bye. 316 00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:07,292 ALL: Aah! - Thanks, guys. 317 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,294 - Yeah. - Thanks, guys. 318 00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:13,322 NICK: Good stuff. 319 00:17:13,565 --> 00:17:15,965 Hey. She did it. 320 00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:19,927 - You made the right call. What's wrong? - I made the right decision. 321 00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:25,004 Look, I know it's hard... 322 00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:28,111 ...but the hard is what makes it good. 323 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,142 Um, is that from A League of Their Own? 324 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:35,615 My quotes are from sports movies you don't know and seem original. 325 00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:39,290 - A League of Their Own is not a sports movie. - A sports movie. 326 00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:41,322 It's about sisterhood and the war. 327 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,120 - Yeah. - It's about a baseball team grinding it up. 328 00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:47,696 [SINGING] This used to be my playground 329 00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:51,167 Coming right up. His sister worries about his drinking... 330 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:55,635 ...so I come in early and I soak a tea bag until the water turns brown... 331 00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:57,637 ...and looks like booze. 332 00:17:57,876 --> 00:17:59,002 I call it "tea water." 333 00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:01,838 So tea. 334 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:05,175 I will take a big old glass of booze water. 335 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,510 Got an antacid commercial tomorrow... 336 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,347 ...and I'm playing day-old curry. - Grim. 337 00:18:10,622 --> 00:18:13,921 Well, you can bartend. You can bartend until you're 90 years old. 338 00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:16,650 Why don't you fire this down to Kevin-97. 339 00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:18,857 [SIGHS] 340 00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,497 JESS: Oh, no. 341 00:18:24,736 --> 00:18:26,033 We'll work on that. 342 00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:29,604 Good morning, everybody. Welcome to Alg-Bio-Civics. 343 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:32,709 Turn in your equations, and you will get a frog. 344 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:37,041 Dissect carefully, because inside the frog is the name of the City Council member... 345 00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:39,842 ...who you will be e-mailing to restart construction. 346 00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:41,382 - Ms. Day? - Yes. 347 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:44,555 I thought this was gonna be a disaster, but thanks to you... 348 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,190 ...I can go upstairs to the big boys... 349 00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:49,894 ...and tell them they can always depend... 350 00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:53,721 ...on Dr. Alan Foster. 351 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,467 Yeah. 352 00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:59,034 Please take his job. I'm begging you. 353 00:18:59,271 --> 00:19:02,035 I'd do it myself, but I'd never pass the psych test. 354 00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:07,302 So I figure, if Foster can be a principal, then why can't I be a principal? 355 00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:08,740 - Great. - Awesome. 356 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,074 - Thanks. - Take me to the principal's office. 357 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,149 - Punish me for being tardy. - You know we're right here? 358 00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:18,049 - Lift up my britches. - We'll talk about it later in my office. 359 00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,848 After I fill up my juice box. 360 00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:22,491 So, guys, just quit my job today. 361 00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,161 - Whoa, big decision. - What? 362 00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:27,263 I said to myself, it is time to make your own decisions. 363 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:28,659 Right on. 364 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,165 If it doesn't work out, they'd have you back. 365 00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:34,167 They would not like to have me back. Burnt bridges today. 366 00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:37,433 - Uh, stuff got weird. Stuff got racial. - What? 367 00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:39,837 I used a lot of swear words, then got sexual. 368 00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:42,478 Sounds like you need a drink. What can I get you? 369 00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:46,414 - Ooh. Let me get a... - We have everything. What would you like? 370 00:19:46,652 --> 00:19:50,315 You know, I'll make the decision. Let me get... 371 00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:53,923 - Double Amaretto. Extra cherries. - That's what I was gonna say. 372 00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:57,084 - Oh, dear. SCHMIDT: Oh, my goodness. 373 00:19:57,329 --> 00:19:59,422 My first shift. I'm still working on it. 374 00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:00,791 - Getting better. SCHMIDT: Great. 375 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,501 COACH: That was awesome. SCHMIDT: Yeah. A natural. 376 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,067 ["CLAVADO EN UN BAR" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 377 00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:06,294 BOTH: Hey. 378 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,972 Sorry I didn't let you finish your story. 379 00:20:12,611 --> 00:20:14,670 - What's this? - The end of my story. 380 00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:19,847 No way. 381 00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:22,520 You passed the Bar exam? 382 00:20:23,589 --> 00:20:26,524 I wanted to prove to myself that I dropped out of law school... 383 00:20:26,758 --> 00:20:30,558 ...because I wanted to be a bartender, and not because I couldn't be a lawyer. 384 00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,559 This also says "Spaghetti Sandwich." 385 00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:35,426 It's a great idea. When I have an idea, I write it down. 386 00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:39,398 The point is, is I want this. You know, it makes me happy. 387 00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,333 Here. 388 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,735 Now, can I get you a drink? 389 00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:46,033 BOTH: Sure. 390 00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:51,371 [ALL LAUGHING] 391 00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:54,211 Cheers to unemployment. 392 00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:19,436 I see you're looking at a Douglas fir. 393 00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:22,841 It's a beautiful tree. We move a ton of these Dougie firs. Love them. 394 00:21:23,081 --> 00:21:26,847 But I feel like you're ready for the spruce lifestyle. 395 00:21:27,085 --> 00:21:29,849 Let's spruce this up. Let me put you in a spruce today. 396 00:21:30,088 --> 00:21:32,579 What kind of ceilings do you have? Vaulted? Cathedral? 397 00:21:32,824 --> 00:21:36,851 There's no wrong answer. You look like a confident man. You deserve a confident tree. Ripped By mstoll