1
00:00:17,149 --> 00:00:21,331
Well, nothing brightens up a rainy
day like a Scotch tasting, guys.
2
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,461
It's not raining today.
3
00:00:22,496 --> 00:00:24,320
- It hasn't rained in months.
- Shh, don't ruin the moment.
4
00:00:24,343 --> 00:00:26,743
There's actually a huge forest fire.
Dude, you should turn on the news.
5
00:00:26,769 --> 00:00:30,501
This is a 15-year-old
French oak reserve.
6
00:00:30,514 --> 00:00:34,325
Mm! A note of cedar,
vanilla, tobacky.
7
00:00:34,747 --> 00:00:35,847
Boozy.
8
00:00:35,867 --> 00:00:38,223
Hunting, fishing, shooting,
9
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:41,805
fatherhood, bonding, sadness.
10
00:00:42,617 --> 00:00:44,318
- Please don't leave me.
- Cheers, guys.
11
00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:46,517
- Put 'er there Schmidty.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
12
00:00:46,541 --> 00:00:49,042
- To a nice quiet evening.
- Tranquil.
13
00:00:49,056 --> 00:00:52,043
This moment is so chill
and absent of drama,
14
00:00:52,049 --> 00:00:53,595
I want to call it "Tim Duncan."
15
00:00:53,613 --> 00:00:55,739
I have 21 minutes to make
a life-changing decision
16
00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,905
and you beautiful sons-a-bitches
are gonna help me!
17
00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,939
- Whoa.
- Yeah!
18
00:01:00,033 --> 00:01:04,547
- That is $45 worth of Scotch right there.
- It tastes disgusting. I don't like it.
19
00:01:05,893 --> 00:01:08,333
♪ Who's that girl?
Who's that girl? ♪
20
00:01:08,355 --> 00:01:09,922
♪ It's Jess. ♪
21
00:01:09,951 --> 00:01:13,551
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
22
00:01:14,514 --> 00:01:17,115
So, obviously, Nick has told you
about how I've been volunteering
23
00:01:17,141 --> 00:01:19,348
at the Children's Museum,
and really hitting it off
24
00:01:19,366 --> 00:01:20,944
with the head curator,
Candace, right?
25
00:01:20,963 --> 00:01:22,061
In my way, I have.
26
00:01:22,089 --> 00:01:23,860
- I've never heard that.
- Hasn't said a word. Thank God.
27
00:01:23,879 --> 00:01:25,064
Come on.
28
00:01:25,465 --> 00:01:28,728
Guys, give me one second. I gotta
go play a round of "Car Keys Monte"
29
00:01:28,741 --> 00:01:31,226
with Kevin-97 or he'll
try to drive home.
30
00:01:32,165 --> 00:01:34,755
So, anyway, about a month ago,
Candace calls me and tells me
31
00:01:34,775 --> 00:01:37,715
there might be a full-time
fund-raising position opening up
32
00:01:37,741 --> 00:01:38,941
and I'd be perfect for it.
33
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,106
There we go, look for the keys, look
for the keys, look for the keys.
34
00:01:41,121 --> 00:01:43,627
And she keeps pushing me for an
answer, and I keep putting her off.
35
00:01:43,647 --> 00:01:45,352
I say, "Thank you very much.
I'm very flattered,
36
00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:47,616
but I already have a job.
Me teacher."
37
00:01:48,213 --> 00:01:50,134
That's a grammar joke.
You get it.
38
00:01:50,154 --> 00:01:51,770
Look at the jukebox for a sec.
39
00:01:52,299 --> 00:01:54,475
When I think of teachers, I think
of two things: Jessica Day
40
00:01:54,495 --> 00:01:57,209
and pornography where
the characters are teachers.
41
00:01:57,222 --> 00:02:00,281
Well, of course I've always wanted to be
a teacher, but my school's a disaster.
42
00:02:00,594 --> 00:02:02,803
- Justice Brandeis believed that...
- Ms. Day?
43
00:02:02,824 --> 00:02:05,585
Education's Principal
Foster, everybody!
44
00:02:06,287 --> 00:02:07,744
Thank you so much.
45
00:02:08,594 --> 00:02:12,326
Ms. Day, we have hit
a construction hiccup
46
00:02:12,339 --> 00:02:14,288
- in our renovation, so...
- Okay.
47
00:02:14,294 --> 00:02:17,257
everybody's gonna have to
be sharing classroom space.
48
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:18,316
What?
49
00:02:18,853 --> 00:02:20,632
- Oh.
- Hey, do you have a freezer
50
00:02:20,651 --> 00:02:22,574
or should I flush these frogs?
51
00:02:22,599 --> 00:02:24,411
My check comes either way.
52
00:02:25,018 --> 00:02:28,501
Oh, come on. Foster's sticking
us with the math kids
53
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,985
that use letters
instead of numbers?
54
00:02:31,183 --> 00:02:32,516
Do you mean algebra?
55
00:02:33,073 --> 00:02:34,423
I guess.
56
00:02:34,666 --> 00:02:37,096
Anyway, it's gonna be a
couple of crazy months, huh?
57
00:02:37,109 --> 00:02:39,193
- I'm sorry? Months?
- Right.
58
00:02:39,437 --> 00:02:41,318
Years if the bond issue fails.
59
00:02:41,337 --> 00:02:44,405
Which it might, since voters
are trending anti-future.
60
00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:47,097
Anti-future?
Who's anti-future?
61
00:02:47,103 --> 00:02:50,575
I don't know. The Amish?
The dying?
62
00:02:50,588 --> 00:02:53,158
Television industry,
print media,
63
00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:55,940
record industry,
railroad industry,
64
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:59,389
karaoke machine owners.
You got this?
65
00:02:59,419 --> 00:03:01,682
I'm gonna go not smoke pot.
66
00:03:02,702 --> 00:03:05,415
- So my phone rings...
- Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice.
67
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:07,393
- No, I'm talking about work.
- So your phone rings.
68
00:03:07,415 --> 00:03:10,178
And it's Candace officially
offering me the job!
69
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,470
And I told her I'd
think about it!
70
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:14,202
Wow, you not being
a school teacher?
71
00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,894
Well, you have found
my flabbergast button,
72
00:03:15,914 --> 00:03:18,178
and guess what,
you've pressed it.
73
00:03:18,211 --> 00:03:19,748
I'm flabbergasted as hell, too.
74
00:03:19,768 --> 00:03:21,715
Look, I've been a
teacher my entire life,
75
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,218
and I've always wanted
to be a teacher, but
76
00:03:24,251 --> 00:03:26,664
maybe I should be doing
something else. I don't know.
77
00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:28,663
How do you know when
you're on the right path?
78
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,128
(Quietly): It's crazy.
(Muttering)
79
00:03:31,505 --> 00:03:33,518
- That wasn't a rhetorical question.
- Oh! - Oh!
80
00:03:33,534 --> 00:03:36,619
What I like to do is just
take a drive up PCH maybe.
81
00:03:36,648 --> 00:03:38,469
(Overlapping talking)
Willy Wonka once said...
82
00:03:38,493 --> 00:03:41,846
Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00
to find out my final answer!
83
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,238
- Whoa! - What?
- I'm sorry you're in such a pickle.
84
00:03:44,259 --> 00:03:47,032
But I'm not sorry that I
get to time something!
85
00:03:47,301 --> 00:03:49,160
19 minutes, people!
86
00:03:49,173 --> 00:03:52,638
- All right. - Just to be clear,
19 minutes until 6:00.
87
00:03:52,651 --> 00:03:53,622
I'm not sure this is helping.
88
00:03:53,641 --> 00:03:55,763
This brings a whole new level
of tension to the whole situation.
89
00:03:55,776 --> 00:03:57,909
Yeah, because you're being timed now.
You time a lot of stuff, Coach.
90
00:03:57,922 --> 00:03:59,981
- This is a life-changing decision,
that's it. - 46 seconds.
91
00:04:02,081 --> 00:04:05,382
17 minutes till 6:00.
17 minutes, Jess.
92
00:04:05,402 --> 00:04:07,972
Coach, do you always wear
a stopwatch? Like always?
93
00:04:07,999 --> 00:04:11,312
You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship
to her skates in Boogie Nights?
94
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:12,038
Yes.
95
00:04:12,062 --> 00:04:15,668
Well, I'm not, because I don't
watch movies, I time them.
96
00:04:16,034 --> 00:04:18,518
They're pornographers,
but they're also a family.
97
00:04:18,532 --> 00:04:21,977
155:30 official running
time, my round ass!
98
00:04:22,461 --> 00:04:23,934
Jess,
99
00:04:24,085 --> 00:04:26,192
choosing a career
path is never easy,
100
00:04:26,228 --> 00:04:27,427
- but what I found...
- (Men jeer)
101
00:04:27,454 --> 00:04:29,187
- Oh, my God.
- Shut up, dude!
102
00:04:29,257 --> 00:04:32,644
She's looking for career advice. Your
job could be done by a vending machine.
103
00:04:32,666 --> 00:04:34,273
Guys, don't be mean.
104
00:04:34,295 --> 00:04:36,915
So Nick doesn't have a
traditional career. I mean...
105
00:04:36,927 --> 00:04:39,515
Or is it the most traditional?
106
00:04:39,766 --> 00:04:41,127
Maybe I'm thinking
about prostitution.
107
00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:44,646
Guys, as you all know, I am the
expert at changing career paths.
108
00:04:44,671 --> 00:04:46,004
Is this something we're
now bragging about?
109
00:04:46,032 --> 00:04:49,482
No, Schmidt, I'm referring to my decision
to quit playing the game of basketball.
110
00:04:49,509 --> 00:04:52,042
Jess, I will tell you
this, it was not easy.
111
00:04:52,838 --> 00:04:54,265
It all began back...
112
00:04:54,278 --> 00:04:56,641
- Jess: Come on, Winston move it along.
- Winston: Okay, Jess, fine,
113
00:04:57,116 --> 00:05:00,307
but don't blame me if you get
lost in the nooks and crannies
114
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:04,910
of this crazy English muffin
we call Winston's life.
115
00:05:05,312 --> 00:05:08,793
I was the ninth guy off the bench
for the eighth-best team in Latvia.
116
00:05:09,315 --> 00:05:11,622
Winnie the Bish!
Winnie the Bish!
117
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,674
- Winnie the Bish!
- Ha-ha!
118
00:05:13,699 --> 00:05:14,966
Thanks for coming to
watch me play, guys.
119
00:05:14,992 --> 00:05:17,097
We didn't watch you play.
We watched you sit.
120
00:05:17,123 --> 00:05:18,269
Which was still fun.
121
00:05:18,292 --> 00:05:20,634
You know, any chance to get
to Latvia, right, guys?
122
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,905
Yeah, I haven't played all year.
123
00:05:21,915 --> 00:05:24,355
They barely let me practice, but
you know, like I always say,
124
00:05:24,385 --> 00:05:26,141
How about them Lats?
125
00:05:26,166 --> 00:05:28,059
Jess: So that's when you
decided to change course.
126
00:05:28,232 --> 00:05:30,352
That makes sense. So my
takeaway from that is...
127
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:31,898
Still building to the decision.
128
00:05:31,985 --> 00:05:33,987
You are traded to Kraslava City.
129
00:05:34,014 --> 00:05:35,348
The Outdoor League?
130
00:05:35,375 --> 00:05:36,876
Man, they play on a hillside!
131
00:05:36,897 --> 00:05:40,574
I give you surprise tip:
Uphill basket, better.
132
00:05:40,587 --> 00:05:42,700
- Jess: Aha, and then you decided...
- Winston: Ah!
133
00:05:43,575 --> 00:05:46,435
I'm going fast!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
134
00:05:46,461 --> 00:05:47,566
(Loud crash)
135
00:05:47,595 --> 00:05:50,093
You never play
basketball again.
136
00:05:50,116 --> 00:05:52,456
Don't touch it. Stop it.
137
00:05:52,475 --> 00:05:56,513
And that's when I decided to stop
playing the game of basketball.
138
00:05:56,536 --> 00:05:59,439
Jess, walk away the
moment you stop loving it.
139
00:05:59,471 --> 00:06:00,511
I mean, that's what I did.
140
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,541
- That's the thing, you didn't walk away.
- You decided nothing.
141
00:06:02,566 --> 00:06:04,633
That story contains
zero decisions.
142
00:06:04,645 --> 00:06:08,673
Look, I decided to stop playing
the game of basketball
143
00:06:08,706 --> 00:06:11,670
when my doctor told
me I had to stop.
144
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:15,428
Okay, okay, all right, I...
it was my decision...
145
00:06:15,448 --> 00:06:18,495
- Mm-hmm. - ...to start to
play the game of basket...
146
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:22,211
You were handed a basketball
six seconds after you were born.
147
00:06:22,231 --> 00:06:24,380
Damn, do I even like basketball?
148
00:06:24,610 --> 00:06:27,550
I mean, goodness, have I ever
made any decisions my whole life?
149
00:06:27,567 --> 00:06:30,000
Are we all just living
inside the mind of a giant?
150
00:06:30,031 --> 00:06:32,920
All right, good job, buddy.
Really good. Thanks.
151
00:06:32,947 --> 00:06:34,367
You know, if I may be so bold...
152
00:06:34,392 --> 00:06:36,319
Oh, Nick, please.
Winston, have a seat.
153
00:06:36,339 --> 00:06:38,146
I was literally about
to give advice.
154
00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:39,804
She already heard
one cautionary tale tonight,
155
00:06:39,817 --> 00:06:41,204
she does not need
to hear another.
156
00:06:41,217 --> 00:06:43,946
- What she needs to hear is my story.
- All right.
157
00:06:43,972 --> 00:06:46,746
A story of hard choices.
A story of paths taken.
158
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:51,420
A story that I like to call,
"Kablamo McYeah, Bro!"
159
00:06:51,439 --> 00:06:52,746
Ah, you stupid bast...
160
00:06:52,773 --> 00:06:54,973
The title has nothing to do with
the story, but you need a hook.
161
00:06:56,322 --> 00:06:58,235
- Schmidt: It all began back...
- Jess: Come on, Schmidt!
162
00:06:58,258 --> 00:07:01,512
What? Only one story in the whole
wide world can begin in a hospital?
163
00:07:01,535 --> 00:07:02,988
I volunteered a lot in college.
164
00:07:03,795 --> 00:07:07,295
But I shone brightest
as a candy striper.
165
00:07:07,820 --> 00:07:09,374
Sick people wanted me.
166
00:07:09,407 --> 00:07:10,897
Dying people wanted to be me.
167
00:07:10,910 --> 00:07:13,077
I was the total
candy-striping package.
168
00:07:13,104 --> 00:07:16,243
And yet I remained invisible to the
one whose gaze I desired the most.
169
00:07:16,258 --> 00:07:20,180
Nick: Invisible? You were like a
300-pound wall of peppermint bark.
170
00:07:20,205 --> 00:07:22,195
Schmidt: Her badge said
"RN" for registered nurse,
171
00:07:22,215 --> 00:07:24,506
but as far as I was
concerned, it said "NILTH,"
172
00:07:24,521 --> 00:07:25,754
"Nurse I'd Like To Hug."
173
00:07:25,770 --> 00:07:29,074
Not even the baggiest of scrubs
could hide her splendid form.
174
00:07:31,956 --> 00:07:35,492
Where's a guy have to volunteer
to get a girl like that, huh?
175
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,140
I don't volunteer.
I'm a man.
176
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,861
I have a job in marketing.
177
00:07:41,717 --> 00:07:44,336
Obviously I was far too
fat to work in marketing.
178
00:07:44,355 --> 00:07:46,575
So I got a job any
dumb slob could do.
179
00:07:46,594 --> 00:07:49,428
Relax, man, it's your first day.
180
00:07:49,852 --> 00:07:52,061
For a Jewish giant, I
had a surprising knack
181
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,361
for selling Christmas trees.
182
00:07:53,377 --> 00:07:56,492
Not only did my wide center of
gravity make me freakishly strong,
183
00:07:56,505 --> 00:07:58,552
but I could also
sell like the wind.
184
00:07:58,578 --> 00:08:00,974
Because I understood
one fundamental truth.
185
00:08:01,074 --> 00:08:03,245
When you're buying
Christmas trees...
186
00:08:03,757 --> 00:08:05,338
you're really buying sex.
187
00:08:05,364 --> 00:08:07,991
Have you always been short?
I've always been fat.
188
00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:10,348
But who cares how God made you?
189
00:08:10,381 --> 00:08:12,673
Don't let him put
you in a skin box.
190
00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:14,502
At the end of the day,
I'm just a fat guy
191
00:08:14,523 --> 00:08:17,405
standing here in front of a
short guy telling him that...
192
00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:19,823
I think we found his tree.
193
00:08:19,850 --> 00:08:22,539
It wasn't long before I caught
the attention of Old Man McCue,
194
00:08:22,565 --> 00:08:25,166
Christmas tree king of Syracuse,
195
00:08:25,366 --> 00:08:27,062
inventor of triple netting.
196
00:08:27,129 --> 00:08:28,122
(Gasping)
197
00:08:28,147 --> 00:08:29,507
However...
198
00:08:30,230 --> 00:08:32,659
In the words of the late,
great Sir Billy Joel...
199
00:08:32,681 --> 00:08:34,728
Billy Joel is definitely alive.
200
00:08:34,743 --> 00:08:36,383
And he's definitely
not a knight.
201
00:08:36,402 --> 00:08:37,902
"The good, they do die young."
202
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,847
♪ As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death ♪
203
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:44,173
♪ I take a look at my life and
realize there's nothin' left ♪
204
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,844
♪ 'Cause I've been blastin'
and laughin' so long ♪
205
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:50,215
♪ That even my mama thinks
That my mind is gone, but... ♪
206
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,306
When you're on your deathbed,
207
00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:55,938
when your life has been lived,
208
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,531
you're never gonna say,
209
00:08:57,550 --> 00:09:01,011
"I wish I'd spent more
time with my family."
210
00:09:01,951 --> 00:09:06,159
Because money and
everything it buys,
211
00:09:06,872 --> 00:09:10,019
you can take it...
212
00:09:10,654 --> 00:09:11,868
with you...
213
00:09:12,664 --> 00:09:13,981
(Heart monitor drones)
214
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:27,715
Jess: Interesting, money.
215
00:09:27,732 --> 00:09:30,582
Actually the museum job pays
more than the teaching job.
216
00:09:30,608 --> 00:09:32,275
Wait, the m...
(Stammers)
217
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:34,287
Then what the hell are we
talking about here, you guys?
218
00:09:34,306 --> 00:09:36,953
Done deal, case closed.
Follow them ducats.
219
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:38,496
It's not always
about the money, Schmidt.
220
00:09:38,516 --> 00:09:40,251
Guys, look, it's almost 6:00.
221
00:09:40,267 --> 00:09:42,121
And Candace is
insanely punctual.
222
00:09:42,135 --> 00:09:46,050
You know, one of the best
career choices of the future...
223
00:09:46,225 --> 00:09:47,637
Driveways.
224
00:09:49,703 --> 00:09:51,296
You're welcome.
225
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,087
- Jess, the museum job pays more.
- All right...
226
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,040
- The decision has been made for you.
- No, no, no.
227
00:10:02,052 --> 00:10:04,338
You don't know the difference
between more and less.
228
00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:05,514
- Don't you?
- Yes, Schmidt.
229
00:10:05,529 --> 00:10:07,349
All of my decision's
have been made for me.
230
00:10:07,362 --> 00:10:10,106
I'm only in sports radio because
I played professional basketball.
231
00:10:10,119 --> 00:10:14,178
I played professional basketball because
somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby.
232
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:16,769
What if somebody gave
Baby Winston a flower?
233
00:10:16,957 --> 00:10:19,400
- Then what would I be?
- Beekeeper! - Hummingbird farmer.
234
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:22,025
Oh, does water shoot out of the flower?
If so, you'd be a hilarious comedian.
235
00:10:22,070 --> 00:10:25,349
Wait, guys, this is classic
after 6:00 topics.
236
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,430
Look, I... There has to be
more to this than money.
237
00:10:27,443 --> 00:10:29,331
I really want to care
about what I do.
238
00:10:29,357 --> 00:10:31,917
Don't you ever miss getting
your hands dirty and selling?
239
00:10:31,939 --> 00:10:33,412
I've moved up in the world.
240
00:10:33,428 --> 00:10:36,653
I'm not freezing and covered in sap.
I'm making spreadsheets.
241
00:10:36,665 --> 00:10:38,538
It's like Old Man
McCue used to say.
242
00:10:38,561 --> 00:10:40,928
The reward is in
the destination.
243
00:10:40,950 --> 00:10:43,935
- It's not in the journey.
- Was he wise or was he senile?
244
00:10:43,950 --> 00:10:46,450
Because he's mixed up a lot
of really well-known sayings.
245
00:10:46,482 --> 00:10:49,000
Jess, you're gonna
want to listen to me.
246
00:10:49,030 --> 00:10:51,223
Anyone else here named
after their career?
247
00:10:51,247 --> 00:10:52,466
(Chuckles)
248
00:10:52,988 --> 00:10:55,188
People call you Markety?
249
00:10:55,509 --> 00:10:56,326
(Quietly): Not yet.
250
00:10:56,339 --> 00:10:58,179
That's too bad 'cause
that's awesome.
251
00:10:58,194 --> 00:11:00,816
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
252
00:11:00,822 --> 00:11:02,256
Hands up, Ulvis!
253
00:11:02,276 --> 00:11:03,983
Ball screen, Vlad, come on!
254
00:11:03,998 --> 00:11:05,666
There we go, yes!
255
00:11:06,119 --> 00:11:08,689
Bishop, finger out
of your nose, now!
256
00:11:08,714 --> 00:11:10,117
Ernie's a really good coach.
257
00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:12,449
- Maybe we should call him Coach.
- We should probably call him...
258
00:11:13,308 --> 00:11:14,208
You do it first.
259
00:11:14,236 --> 00:11:15,816
- Uh... Coach.
- Yeah.
260
00:11:15,836 --> 00:11:17,963
That's a great name!
High five!
261
00:11:17,989 --> 00:11:18,750
Yeah!
262
00:11:18,772 --> 00:11:20,507
I think you see what I mean.
263
00:11:20,522 --> 00:11:22,089
No, I do... I really don't.
264
00:11:22,150 --> 00:11:24,652
My point is don't
overthink it, Jess.
265
00:11:24,672 --> 00:11:26,879
The call's coming from
inside the house.
266
00:11:26,914 --> 00:11:28,887
- What?
- Be who you are.
267
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,703
- And do what you do.
- What if I don't know who I am?
268
00:11:31,709 --> 00:11:33,891
And you know, I'm capable of
doing a lot of different things.
269
00:11:33,916 --> 00:11:36,336
- Then you are on your own.
- Good stuff, Coach.
270
00:11:36,355 --> 00:11:39,602
Jess, would it help to think about
your first day as a teacher?
271
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:41,531
Like, I think about the first
time I ever poured a drink...
272
00:11:41,549 --> 00:11:42,945
- Boo, get off the stage!
- Aw, man.
273
00:11:42,958 --> 00:11:44,618
- Nick! - Dude, stop.
- No, that's interesting.
274
00:11:44,646 --> 00:11:46,873
The first day I ever taught.
275
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,175
Portland Country Day.
276
00:11:49,198 --> 00:11:51,905
Five-team Pacific Northwest
squash champions.
277
00:11:51,927 --> 00:11:54,079
Go, Rhododendrons!
278
00:11:54,988 --> 00:11:58,315
Now, if I was chalk,
where would I be?
279
00:11:58,353 --> 00:12:00,699
If I were chalk,
where would I be?
280
00:12:00,712 --> 00:12:04,073
Slip up like that in front of the
kids, Day, and they'll eat you alive.
281
00:12:04,655 --> 00:12:05,755
(Gasps)
282
00:12:07,229 --> 00:12:10,497
Eddie Pascucci kicked
my ass because I'm new.
283
00:12:10,518 --> 00:12:11,936
Well, guess what?
284
00:12:12,461 --> 00:12:13,967
I'm new, too.
285
00:12:13,988 --> 00:12:16,307
I got lost trying to find
the upper dining garden.
286
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,907
Oh, that's over by the hedge
maze and the stables.
287
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,029
I haven't even met my horse yet.
288
00:12:22,054 --> 00:12:22,947
(Laughs)
289
00:12:22,964 --> 00:12:24,704
Come on, let's get
you cleaned up.
290
00:12:24,725 --> 00:12:27,065
All of these jackets have
cash in the pockets.
291
00:12:27,088 --> 00:12:29,924
It's like a $50,000
lost and found.
292
00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:31,524
Here, try this one.
293
00:12:31,652 --> 00:12:32,712
Yup.
294
00:12:32,739 --> 00:12:34,212
You look great, Clifton.
295
00:12:34,235 --> 00:12:35,662
This doesn't fit!
296
00:12:35,690 --> 00:12:38,410
Eddie Pascucci beats
up the unstylish!
297
00:12:38,423 --> 00:12:39,270
Yeah, that's right.
298
00:12:39,287 --> 00:12:40,851
We had an ethnic, gay bully.
299
00:12:43,381 --> 00:12:45,795
He's gonna have to come through me first.
(Cracks knuckles)
300
00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:48,742
Clifton Collins really just
needed someone to believe in him.
301
00:12:48,875 --> 00:12:50,444
So I started
tutoring him in math,
302
00:12:50,459 --> 00:12:52,686
and he became the best
math student in school.
303
00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:56,243
So, let's look him up and see how happy
and successful and amazing he's doing.
304
00:12:56,278 --> 00:12:58,589
- Yeah!
- I think that'll really fire you up.
305
00:13:01,963 --> 00:13:03,171
All right, there's
no trace of him.
306
00:13:03,185 --> 00:13:05,218
- What?
- I'm really, I'm really good at this.
307
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:06,652
I'm good at it, let me see.
308
00:13:06,673 --> 00:13:08,186
- You found him. He's right here.
- No, I didn't.
309
00:13:08,194 --> 00:13:09,642
- Here's Clifton, wow.
- It's not a...
310
00:13:09,649 --> 00:13:11,235
- Yeah, he's right there. That's Clifton.
- Oh, yeah.
311
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:12,498
We're not the only
ones looking for him.
312
00:13:12,511 --> 00:13:14,045
- So's the FBI.
- What?
313
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:15,990
- Yeah, he's a criminal.
- No.
314
00:13:16,351 --> 00:13:18,016
Oh, my God.
315
00:13:18,166 --> 00:13:20,877
Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins?
316
00:13:21,149 --> 00:13:23,070
Wanted for 53... (Groans)
317
00:13:23,105 --> 00:13:25,112
...counts of embezzlement.
318
00:13:25,146 --> 00:13:26,363
Sounds like the math took.
319
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,553
(Groans)
Screw me.
320
00:13:28,863 --> 00:13:30,516
Like, I...
321
00:13:30,711 --> 00:13:33,289
Maybe I wasn't even
reaching the kids at all.
322
00:13:37,064 --> 00:13:39,178
Okay, you know what?
323
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,910
- Miller up.
- Excuse me?
324
00:13:40,923 --> 00:13:43,249
That's just like "fill 'er up,
"but with "Miller."
325
00:13:43,277 --> 00:13:45,317
- Don't.
- 'Cause I'm about to fill you up.
326
00:13:45,337 --> 00:13:46,786
- No, that's gross.
- With my stories.
327
00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:48,169
- Oh, please don't.
- That's disgusting.
328
00:13:48,189 --> 00:13:49,556
What's disgusting about it?
329
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:53,653
My first year of law school, I
made an important discovery.
330
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,595
Look left. Look right.
331
00:13:55,616 --> 00:13:57,644
Next year, one of
you will be gone.
332
00:13:57,998 --> 00:13:59,897
What a cliché, huh?
333
00:14:00,308 --> 00:14:02,078
Oh, you wrote that down.
334
00:14:05,087 --> 00:14:07,687
You'll be gone. I'm
not going anywhere.
335
00:14:07,702 --> 00:14:09,535
I'm gonna be fine. I'm
gonna be right here.
336
00:14:09,556 --> 00:14:11,283
Take it easy, guy to my right.
337
00:14:11,585 --> 00:14:14,697
I discovered that I hated
being around these people.
338
00:14:14,990 --> 00:14:17,277
But second year, I made
another discovery.
339
00:14:17,304 --> 00:14:19,370
I hated being around myself.
340
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,630
So my third year, I wanted to
find a place where I belonged.
341
00:14:22,664 --> 00:14:25,879
Where I could look to my left or look
to my right and like what I saw.
342
00:14:25,897 --> 00:14:28,151
Schmidt: Love you in that scarf. Why
don't you wear scarves anymore?
343
00:14:28,169 --> 00:14:29,476
That place?
344
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:30,897
Perhaps you guessed it:
345
00:14:30,918 --> 00:14:32,388
This very bar.
346
00:14:32,427 --> 00:14:35,070
Winston: Get out of town.
What a twist.
347
00:14:35,095 --> 00:14:37,096
(Music playing in background)
348
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:40,158
Jess: How long has
that guy been there?
349
00:14:40,176 --> 00:14:41,150
Nick: Kevin-97?
350
00:14:41,169 --> 00:14:43,688
Since 1997, Jess. Why else do
you think we would call him...
351
00:14:43,708 --> 00:14:45,729
I don't know.
Move it along, Miller.
352
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:47,443
True, I wasn't
loving law school,
353
00:14:47,455 --> 00:14:51,695
but my grades were fine and I even
signed up for the California State Bar.
354
00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:53,976
And then, one day...
355
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:56,174
Red over-served himself
356
00:14:56,598 --> 00:14:58,185
and everything changed.
357
00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,491
Jess:
So you went behind the bar,
358
00:14:59,521 --> 00:15:01,174
quit law school, you
became a bartender...
359
00:15:01,188 --> 00:15:03,181
- There's more to it than that.
- Two minutes!
360
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,447
Oh, my God. I honestly
don't know what to do.
361
00:15:05,467 --> 00:15:07,627
- I have so little time.
- Hey.
362
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:08,469
Jess: Cece!
363
00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:10,457
Have you ever questioned
your entire career?
364
00:15:10,485 --> 00:15:12,758
Duh, I'm a 31 year old model.
365
00:15:12,784 --> 00:15:16,409
My last job was for a phone sex
ad, and I was the one calling.
366
00:15:16,431 --> 00:15:17,538
Tell me what to do.
367
00:15:17,563 --> 00:15:19,887
And don't tell me to ask the guys,
because I already tried that.
368
00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:22,448
And also, don't tell me to think
about my first student, Clifton.
369
00:15:22,461 --> 00:15:25,581
Okay, no, wait. Your first
student was not Clifton.
370
00:15:25,613 --> 00:15:27,536
(Phone ringing)
371
00:15:31,137 --> 00:15:33,236
Lady, she's still
got one minute.
372
00:15:35,850 --> 00:15:38,652
That was a butt dial from your mother.
She is up to no good.
373
00:15:42,889 --> 00:15:45,806
Cece, bring it fast, and bring it hard.
You have 53 seconds.
374
00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:53,538
- You okay?
- Yes.
375
00:15:54,398 --> 00:15:55,225
No.
376
00:15:55,248 --> 00:15:58,310
I think I need glasses unless
crying makes your eyes not work.
377
00:15:58,893 --> 00:16:02,603
I can't read this, but even when
I can, I don't understand it.
378
00:16:02,636 --> 00:16:06,255
Crying makes your eyes work better.
After I finished Sophie's Choice,
379
00:16:06,278 --> 00:16:08,218
I could see in the
dark for a week.
380
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,117
Here's what I do
when I lose mine.
381
00:16:15,820 --> 00:16:19,422
Ooh, this is interesting. Get in
here, we'll learn it together.
382
00:16:19,441 --> 00:16:20,701
But everyone'll laugh at us.
383
00:16:20,724 --> 00:16:23,305
They can drive it or milk it
as far as I'm concerned.
384
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,119
I don't know what that means.
I heard my dad say it.
385
00:16:31,076 --> 00:16:32,554
My dad just died.
386
00:16:34,977 --> 00:16:38,546
Well, if you want to come over,
and listen to mine say
387
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:41,577
"They can drive it or
milk it..." you can.
388
00:16:41,974 --> 00:16:44,645
He's also got one about
the turds in City Hall.
389
00:16:46,103 --> 00:16:47,481
Thanks.
390
00:16:56,296 --> 00:16:58,345
- I'm Cece.
- Jess.
391
00:17:00,301 --> 00:17:02,383
I was your first student.
392
00:17:03,066 --> 00:17:06,817
(Phone ringing)
393
00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:12,348
Hey, Candace.
Um...
394
00:17:12,378 --> 00:17:14,371
Yeah, actually...
395
00:17:15,216 --> 00:17:17,336
I'm not going to take the job.
396
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:20,802
Yeah, I'll see you Sunday.
Okay, bye.
397
00:17:21,313 --> 00:17:22,646
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
398
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,350
- Thanks guys.
- Yes!
399
00:17:24,564 --> 00:17:26,404
Thanks guys.
400
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,229
You did it.
401
00:17:28,253 --> 00:17:29,640
Good stuff.
402
00:17:30,038 --> 00:17:32,200
Hey, she did it.
403
00:17:32,409 --> 00:17:34,176
You made the right call, Jess.
What's wrong?
404
00:17:34,196 --> 00:17:36,233
I think you're right. I
made the right decision.
405
00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:41,624
Look, I know it's hard,
406
00:17:41,649 --> 00:17:43,493
but the hard is what...
407
00:17:43,513 --> 00:17:45,239
makes it good.
408
00:17:46,309 --> 00:17:48,566
- Uhm, A League of Their Own
- Is that from A League of Their Own.
409
00:17:48,588 --> 00:17:50,395
Yes, of course. All of my
quotes are from a sports movie.
410
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:51,815
You guys don't know them,
and so they seem original.
411
00:17:51,833 --> 00:17:53,746
A League of Their Own
is not a sports movie.
412
00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:55,508
It's a sports movie,
first and foremost.
413
00:17:55,521 --> 00:17:57,972
It's about sisterhood
and the war.
414
00:17:57,992 --> 00:18:00,171
- Yeah, absolutely. - It's about
a baseball team grinding it up.
415
00:18:00,185 --> 00:18:03,994
♪ This used to be
my playground... ♪
416
00:18:04,503 --> 00:18:05,756
Coming right up.
417
00:18:05,895 --> 00:18:07,986
His sister really worries about
his drinking, so what I do is
418
00:18:08,006 --> 00:18:12,119
I come in early, and I soak a
teabag until the water turns brown
419
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,091
and looks like booze.
420
00:18:14,102 --> 00:18:15,500
I call it tea-water.
421
00:18:15,537 --> 00:18:16,844
So...
422
00:18:17,168 --> 00:18:18,416
tea.
423
00:18:18,499 --> 00:18:21,691
I will take a big old
glass of booze-water.
424
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,982
Got an antacid
commercial tomorrow
425
00:18:24,012 --> 00:18:26,099
- and I'm playing day-old curry.
- Oof.
426
00:18:26,854 --> 00:18:30,720
Or you can bartend. You can
bartend till you're 90 years old.
427
00:18:30,771 --> 00:18:33,392
Why don't you fire
this down to Kevin-97?
428
00:18:33,405 --> 00:18:35,344
(Cracks knuckles, sighs)
429
00:18:38,338 --> 00:18:39,967
Jess: Oh, no.
430
00:18:41,088 --> 00:18:42,342
We're gonna work on that.
431
00:18:42,557 --> 00:18:43,723
Good morning, everybody.
432
00:18:43,752 --> 00:18:46,099
Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics.
433
00:18:46,127 --> 00:18:49,014
Turn in your equations,
and you will get a frog.
434
00:18:49,036 --> 00:18:51,278
Dissect carefully,
because inside the frog
435
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,707
is the name of the
city council member
436
00:18:53,734 --> 00:18:56,565
who you will be e-mailing
to restart construction.
437
00:18:56,585 --> 00:18:57,447
- Ms. Day?
- Yes.
438
00:18:57,459 --> 00:18:59,633
I thought this was
gonna be a disaster.
439
00:18:59,654 --> 00:19:03,624
But thanks to you, I can go
upstairs to the big boys
440
00:19:03,638 --> 00:19:06,605
and tell them they
can always depend...
441
00:19:07,242 --> 00:19:09,645
on Dr. Alan Foster.
442
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:12,391
Yeah.
443
00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:15,366
Please take his job,
I'm begging you.
444
00:19:15,484 --> 00:19:18,751
I'd do it myself, but I'd
never pass the psych test.
445
00:19:18,914 --> 00:19:20,041
Jess: So I figure...
446
00:19:20,054 --> 00:19:23,522
if Foster can be a principal,
then why can't I be a principal?
447
00:19:23,552 --> 00:19:25,059
- That's great.
- I don't see why not.
448
00:19:25,073 --> 00:19:27,260
- Thank you. - Then you could
take me to the principal's office
449
00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:29,465
and punish me for
being tardy, and...
450
00:19:29,478 --> 00:19:31,631
- You know we're right here, right?
- Just lift up my britches and...
451
00:19:31,653 --> 00:19:32,820
- We'll talk about it later.
- Okay.
452
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,252
- We'll do it in my office.
- Very nice.
453
00:19:34,282 --> 00:19:35,642
After I fill up my juice box.
454
00:19:35,670 --> 00:19:36,577
(Giggles)
455
00:19:36,604 --> 00:19:38,696
So, guys, just quit
my job today.
456
00:19:38,716 --> 00:19:40,434
- Whoa, big decision.
- Oh, man! - What?
457
00:19:40,455 --> 00:19:41,951
I just finally said to myself,
458
00:19:41,970 --> 00:19:43,670
"It is time to make
your own decisions."
459
00:19:43,679 --> 00:19:44,579
- Right on.
- Yeah.
460
00:19:44,592 --> 00:19:47,247
If it doesn't work out, I'm sure
they'd be happy to have you back.
461
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:49,406
They would... they would
not like to have me back.
462
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:50,905
- I burned a lot of bridges today.
- Mmm.
463
00:19:50,918 --> 00:19:53,067
Uh, stuff got weird.
Stuff got... racial.
464
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,627
- What?
- I used a lot of swearwords.
465
00:19:54,656 --> 00:19:56,225
Then I got sexual...
466
00:19:56,245 --> 00:19:58,503
Well, sounds like you need
a drink. On the house.
467
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,138
- What can I get you?
- Ooh... Let me get a, let me get a...
468
00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:02,663
We have everything.
What would you like to drink?
469
00:20:02,684 --> 00:20:04,557
But you know,
I'll make the decision.
470
00:20:04,585 --> 00:20:06,061
Let me get...
471
00:20:06,416 --> 00:20:08,429
- Double amaretto, extra cherries!
- Double amaretto, extra cherries!
472
00:20:08,443 --> 00:20:10,570
- That's what I was gonna say.
- Nice.
473
00:20:11,764 --> 00:20:13,871
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, my goodness!
474
00:20:13,897 --> 00:20:15,504
My first shift, you know?
I'm still working on it.
475
00:20:15,524 --> 00:20:17,056
- She's getting better.
- That was great.
476
00:20:17,075 --> 00:20:19,308
- Coach: That was awesome.
- Schmidt: Yeah. A natural.
477
00:20:19,407 --> 00:20:20,841
("Clavado En Un Bar"
begins playing)
478
00:20:21,624 --> 00:20:22,704
- Hey.
- Hey.
479
00:20:22,723 --> 00:20:24,882
Sorry I didn't let you
finish your story.
480
00:20:28,867 --> 00:20:31,289
- What's this?
- The end of my story.
481
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:35,565
No way!
482
00:20:36,885 --> 00:20:39,158
You passed the bar exam?
483
00:20:39,958 --> 00:20:42,926
I wanted to prove to myself that
I dropped out of law school
484
00:20:42,939 --> 00:20:45,188
because I wanted
to be a bartender,
485
00:20:45,225 --> 00:20:47,172
not because I
couldn't be a lawyer.
486
00:20:47,185 --> 00:20:49,022
- This also says "spaghetti sandwich."
- That's just 'cause
487
00:20:49,043 --> 00:20:51,156
it's a great idea. When I have
a great idea, I write it down.
488
00:20:51,857 --> 00:20:52,850
The point is...
489
00:20:52,854 --> 00:20:54,265
is I want this.
490
00:20:54,743 --> 00:20:56,257
You know, it makes me happy.
491
00:20:56,428 --> 00:20:57,659
Well, here.
492
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,456
Now, can I get you a drink?
493
00:21:00,788 --> 00:21:02,246
- Sure.
- Sure.
494
00:21:07,875 --> 00:21:09,330
Cheers.
To unemployment.
495
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:11,136
- Absolutely.
- Exactly.
496
00:21:33,558 --> 00:21:35,861
I see you're looking
at a Douglas fir.
497
00:21:35,881 --> 00:21:39,101
It's a beautiful tree. We move a ton
of these Dougie firs. Love them.
498
00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:40,514
But...
499
00:21:40,728 --> 00:21:43,126
I feel like you're ready
for the spruce lifestyle.
500
00:21:43,430 --> 00:21:44,850
Let's spruce this up.
501
00:21:44,863 --> 00:21:46,385
Let me put you
in a spruce today.
502
00:21:46,413 --> 00:21:48,793
What kind of ceilings you dealing with
at home? Vaulted? Cathedral?
503
00:21:48,813 --> 00:21:49,983
By the way, there's
no wrong answer.
504
00:21:50,009 --> 00:21:51,736
You look like a confident
man, you know that?
505
00:21:51,755 --> 00:21:53,355
You deserve a confident tree...
506
00:21:53,625 --> 00:21:58,625
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www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther