1 00:00:01,154 --> 00:00:05,336 Well, nothing brightens up a rainy day like a Scotch tasting, guys. 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:06,466 It's not raining today. 3 00:00:06,501 --> 00:00:08,325 - It hasn't rained in months. - Shh, don't ruin the moment. 4 00:00:08,348 --> 00:00:10,748 There's actually a huge forest fire. Dude, you should turn on the news. 5 00:00:10,774 --> 00:00:14,506 This is a 15-year-old French oak reserve. 6 00:00:14,519 --> 00:00:18,330 Mm! A note of cedar, vanilla, tobacky. 7 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:19,852 Boozy. 8 00:00:19,872 --> 00:00:22,228 Hunting, fishing, shooting, 9 00:00:22,411 --> 00:00:25,810 fatherhood, bonding, sadness. 10 00:00:26,622 --> 00:00:28,323 - Please don't leave me. - Cheers, guys. 11 00:00:28,349 --> 00:00:30,522 - Put 'er there Schmidty. - Cheers. - Cheers. 12 00:00:30,546 --> 00:00:33,047 - To a nice quiet evening. - Tranquil. 13 00:00:33,061 --> 00:00:36,048 This moment is so chill and absent of drama, 14 00:00:36,054 --> 00:00:37,600 I want to call it "Tim Duncan." 15 00:00:37,618 --> 00:00:39,744 I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing decision 16 00:00:39,770 --> 00:00:41,910 and you beautiful sons-a-bitches are gonna help me! 17 00:00:41,930 --> 00:00:43,944 - Whoa. - Yeah! 18 00:00:44,038 --> 00:00:48,552 - That is $45 worth of Scotch right there. - It tastes disgusting. I don't like it. 19 00:00:49,898 --> 00:00:52,338 ♪ Who's that girl? Who's that girl? ♪ 20 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:53,927 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 21 00:00:53,956 --> 00:00:57,556 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 22 00:00:58,519 --> 00:01:01,120 So, obviously, Nick has told you about how I've been volunteering 23 00:01:01,146 --> 00:01:03,353 at the Children's Museum, and really hitting it off 24 00:01:03,371 --> 00:01:04,949 with the head curator, Candace, right? 25 00:01:04,968 --> 00:01:06,066 In my way, I have. 26 00:01:06,094 --> 00:01:07,865 - I've never heard that. - Hasn't said a word. Thank God. 27 00:01:07,884 --> 00:01:09,069 Come on. 28 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,733 Guys, give me one second. I gotta go play a round of "Car Keys Monte" 29 00:01:12,746 --> 00:01:15,231 with Kevin-97 or he'll try to drive home. 30 00:01:16,170 --> 00:01:18,760 So, anyway, about a month ago, Candace calls me and tells me 31 00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:21,720 there might be a full-time fund-raising position opening up 32 00:01:21,746 --> 00:01:22,946 and I'd be perfect for it. 33 00:01:22,971 --> 00:01:25,111 There we go, look for the keys, look for the keys, look for the keys. 34 00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:27,632 And she keeps pushing me for an answer, and I keep putting her off. 35 00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,357 I say, "Thank you very much. I'm very flattered, 36 00:01:29,371 --> 00:01:31,621 but I already have a job. Me teacher." 37 00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:34,139 That's a grammar joke. You get it. 38 00:01:34,159 --> 00:01:35,775 Look at the jukebox for a sec. 39 00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:38,480 When I think of teachers, I think of two things: Jessica Day 40 00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:41,214 and pornography where the characters are teachers. 41 00:01:41,227 --> 00:01:44,286 Well, of course I've always wanted to be a teacher, but my school's a disaster. 42 00:01:44,599 --> 00:01:46,808 - Justice Brandeis believed that... - Ms. Day? 43 00:01:46,829 --> 00:01:49,590 Education's Principal Foster, everybody! 44 00:01:50,292 --> 00:01:51,749 Thank you so much. 45 00:01:52,599 --> 00:01:56,331 Ms. Day, we have hit a construction hiccup 46 00:01:56,344 --> 00:01:58,293 - in our renovation, so... - Okay. 47 00:01:58,299 --> 00:02:01,262 everybody's gonna have to be sharing classroom space. 48 00:02:01,272 --> 00:02:02,321 What? 49 00:02:02,858 --> 00:02:04,637 - Oh. - Hey, do you have a freezer 50 00:02:04,656 --> 00:02:06,579 or should I flush these frogs? 51 00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:08,416 My check comes either way. 52 00:02:09,023 --> 00:02:12,506 Oh, come on. Foster's sticking us with the math kids 53 00:02:12,525 --> 00:02:14,990 that use letters instead of numbers? 54 00:02:15,188 --> 00:02:16,521 Do you mean algebra? 55 00:02:17,078 --> 00:02:18,428 I guess. 56 00:02:18,671 --> 00:02:21,101 Anyway, it's gonna be a couple of crazy months, huh? 57 00:02:21,114 --> 00:02:23,198 - I'm sorry? Months? - Right. 58 00:02:23,442 --> 00:02:25,323 Years if the bond issue fails. 59 00:02:25,342 --> 00:02:28,410 Which it might, since voters are trending anti-future. 60 00:02:28,430 --> 00:02:31,102 Anti-future? Who's anti-future? 61 00:02:31,108 --> 00:02:34,580 I don't know. The Amish? The dying? 62 00:02:34,593 --> 00:02:37,163 Television industry, print media, 63 00:02:37,179 --> 00:02:39,945 record industry, railroad industry, 64 00:02:39,981 --> 00:02:43,394 karaoke machine owners. You got this? 65 00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:45,687 I'm gonna go not smoke pot. 66 00:02:46,707 --> 00:02:49,420 - So my phone rings... - Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice. 67 00:02:49,457 --> 00:02:51,398 - No, I'm talking about work. - So your phone rings. 68 00:02:51,420 --> 00:02:54,183 And it's Candace officially offering me the job! 69 00:02:54,196 --> 00:02:55,475 And I told her I'd think about it! 70 00:02:55,488 --> 00:02:58,207 Wow, you not being a school teacher? 71 00:02:58,232 --> 00:02:59,899 Well, you have found my flabbergast button, 72 00:02:59,919 --> 00:03:02,183 and guess what, you've pressed it. 73 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,753 I'm flabbergasted as hell, too. 74 00:03:03,773 --> 00:03:05,720 Look, I've been a teacher my entire life, 75 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:08,223 and I've always wanted to be a teacher, but 76 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:10,669 maybe I should be doing something else. I don't know. 77 00:03:10,689 --> 00:03:12,668 How do you know when you're on the right path? 78 00:03:13,181 --> 00:03:15,133 (Quietly): It's crazy. (Muttering) 79 00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:17,523 - That wasn't a rhetorical question. - Oh! - Oh! 80 00:03:17,539 --> 00:03:20,624 What I like to do is just take a drive up PCH maybe. 81 00:03:20,653 --> 00:03:22,474 (Overlapping talking) Willy Wonka once said... 82 00:03:22,498 --> 00:03:25,851 Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00 to find out my final answer! 83 00:03:25,894 --> 00:03:28,243 - Whoa! - What? - I'm sorry you're in such a pickle. 84 00:03:28,264 --> 00:03:31,037 But I'm not sorry that I get to time something! 85 00:03:31,306 --> 00:03:33,165 19 minutes, people! 86 00:03:33,178 --> 00:03:36,643 - All right. - Just to be clear, 19 minutes until 6:00. 87 00:03:36,656 --> 00:03:37,627 I'm not sure this is helping. 88 00:03:37,646 --> 00:03:39,768 This brings a whole new level of tension to the whole situation. 89 00:03:39,781 --> 00:03:41,914 Yeah, because you're being timed now. You time a lot of stuff, Coach. 90 00:03:41,927 --> 00:03:43,986 - This is a life-changing decision, that's it. - 46 seconds. 91 00:03:46,086 --> 00:03:49,387 17 minutes till 6:00. 17 minutes, Jess. 92 00:03:49,407 --> 00:03:51,977 Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? Like always? 93 00:03:52,004 --> 00:03:55,317 You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship to her skates in Boogie Nights? 94 00:03:55,343 --> 00:03:56,043 Yes. 95 00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:59,673 Well, I'm not, because I don't watch movies, I time them. 96 00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:02,523 They're pornographers, but they're also a family. 97 00:04:02,537 --> 00:04:05,982 155:30 official running time, my round ass! 98 00:04:06,466 --> 00:04:07,939 Jess, 99 00:04:08,090 --> 00:04:10,197 choosing a career path is never easy, 100 00:04:10,233 --> 00:04:11,432 - but what I found... - (Men jeer) 101 00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,192 - Oh, my God. - Shut up, dude! 102 00:04:13,262 --> 00:04:16,649 She's looking for career advice. Your job could be done by a vending machine. 103 00:04:16,671 --> 00:04:18,278 Guys, don't be mean. 104 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,920 So Nick doesn't have a traditional career. I mean... 105 00:04:20,932 --> 00:04:23,520 Or is it the most traditional? 106 00:04:23,771 --> 00:04:25,132 Maybe I'm thinking about prostitution. 107 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,651 Guys, as you all know, I am the expert at changing career paths. 108 00:04:28,676 --> 00:04:30,009 Is this something we're now bragging about? 109 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:33,487 No, Schmidt, I'm referring to my decision to quit playing the game of basketball. 110 00:04:33,514 --> 00:04:36,047 Jess, I will tell you this, it was not easy. 111 00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:38,270 It all began back... 112 00:04:38,283 --> 00:04:40,646 - Jess: Come on, Winston move it along. - Winston: Okay, Jess, fine, 113 00:04:41,121 --> 00:04:44,312 but don't blame me if you get lost in the nooks and crannies 114 00:04:44,338 --> 00:04:48,915 of this crazy English muffin we call Winston's life. 115 00:04:49,317 --> 00:04:52,798 I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia. 116 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,627 Winnie the Bish! Winnie the Bish! 117 00:04:55,650 --> 00:04:57,679 - Winnie the Bish! - Ha-ha! 118 00:04:57,704 --> 00:04:58,971 Thanks for coming to watch me play, guys. 119 00:04:58,997 --> 00:05:01,102 We didn't watch you play. We watched you sit. 120 00:05:01,128 --> 00:05:02,274 Which was still fun. 121 00:05:02,297 --> 00:05:04,639 You know, any chance to get to Latvia, right, guys? 122 00:05:04,659 --> 00:05:05,910 Yeah, I haven't played all year. 123 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,360 They barely let me practice, but you know, like I always say, 124 00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:10,146 How about them Lats? 125 00:05:10,171 --> 00:05:12,064 Jess: So that's when you decided to change course. 126 00:05:12,237 --> 00:05:14,357 That makes sense. So my takeaway from that is... 127 00:05:14,376 --> 00:05:15,903 Still building to the decision. 128 00:05:15,990 --> 00:05:17,992 You are traded to Kraslava City. 129 00:05:18,019 --> 00:05:19,353 The Outdoor League? 130 00:05:19,380 --> 00:05:20,881 Man, they play on a hillside! 131 00:05:20,902 --> 00:05:24,579 I give you surprise tip: Uphill basket, better. 132 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,705 - Jess: Aha, and then you decided... - Winston: Ah! 133 00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:30,440 I'm going fast! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 134 00:05:30,466 --> 00:05:31,571 (Loud crash) 135 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,098 You never play basketball again. 136 00:05:34,121 --> 00:05:36,461 Don't touch it. Stop it. 137 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:40,518 And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball. 138 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:43,444 Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it. 139 00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:44,516 I mean, that's what I did. 140 00:05:44,533 --> 00:05:46,546 - That's the thing, you didn't walk away. - You decided nothing. 141 00:05:46,571 --> 00:05:48,638 That story contains zero decisions. 142 00:05:48,650 --> 00:05:52,678 Look, I decided to stop playing the game of basketball 143 00:05:52,711 --> 00:05:55,675 when my doctor told me I had to stop. 144 00:05:56,043 --> 00:05:59,433 Okay, okay, all right, I... it was my decision... 145 00:05:59,453 --> 00:06:02,500 - Mm-hmm. - ...to start to play the game of basket... 146 00:06:02,513 --> 00:06:06,216 You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born. 147 00:06:06,236 --> 00:06:08,385 Damn, do I even like basketball? 148 00:06:08,615 --> 00:06:11,555 I mean, goodness, have I ever made any decisions my whole life? 149 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:14,005 Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant? 150 00:06:14,036 --> 00:06:16,925 All right, good job, buddy. Really good. Thanks. 151 00:06:16,952 --> 00:06:18,372 You know, if I may be so bold... 152 00:06:18,397 --> 00:06:20,324 Oh, Nick, please. Winston, have a seat. 153 00:06:20,344 --> 00:06:22,151 I was literally about to give advice. 154 00:06:22,171 --> 00:06:23,809 She already heard one cautionary tale tonight, 155 00:06:23,822 --> 00:06:25,209 she does not need to hear another. 156 00:06:25,222 --> 00:06:27,951 - What she needs to hear is my story. - All right. 157 00:06:27,977 --> 00:06:30,751 A story of hard choices. A story of paths taken. 158 00:06:30,778 --> 00:06:35,425 A story that I like to call, "Kablamo McYeah, Bro!" 159 00:06:35,444 --> 00:06:36,751 Ah, you stupid bast... 160 00:06:36,778 --> 00:06:38,978 The title has nothing to do with the story, but you need a hook. 161 00:06:40,327 --> 00:06:42,240 - Schmidt: It all began back... - Jess: Come on, Schmidt! 162 00:06:42,263 --> 00:06:45,517 What? Only one story in the whole wide world can begin in a hospital? 163 00:06:45,540 --> 00:06:46,993 I volunteered a lot in college. 164 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,300 But I shone brightest as a candy striper. 165 00:06:51,825 --> 00:06:53,379 Sick people wanted me. 166 00:06:53,412 --> 00:06:54,902 Dying people wanted to be me. 167 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,082 I was the total candy-striping package. 168 00:06:57,109 --> 00:07:00,248 And yet I remained invisible to the one whose gaze I desired the most. 169 00:07:00,263 --> 00:07:04,185 Nick: Invisible? You were like a 300-pound wall of peppermint bark. 170 00:07:04,210 --> 00:07:06,200 Schmidt: Her badge said "RN" for registered nurse, 171 00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:08,511 but as far as I was concerned, it said "NILTH," 172 00:07:08,526 --> 00:07:09,759 "Nurse I'd Like To Hug." 173 00:07:09,775 --> 00:07:13,079 Not even the baggiest of scrubs could hide her splendid form. 174 00:07:15,961 --> 00:07:19,497 Where's a guy have to volunteer to get a girl like that, huh? 175 00:07:19,845 --> 00:07:22,145 I don't volunteer. I'm a man. 176 00:07:22,165 --> 00:07:24,866 I have a job in marketing. 177 00:07:25,722 --> 00:07:28,341 Obviously I was far too fat to work in marketing. 178 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,580 So I got a job any dumb slob could do. 179 00:07:30,599 --> 00:07:33,433 Relax, man, it's your first day. 180 00:07:33,857 --> 00:07:36,066 For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack 181 00:07:36,085 --> 00:07:37,366 for selling Christmas trees. 182 00:07:37,382 --> 00:07:40,497 Not only did my wide center of gravity make me freakishly strong, 183 00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:42,557 but I could also sell like the wind. 184 00:07:42,583 --> 00:07:44,979 Because I understood one fundamental truth. 185 00:07:45,079 --> 00:07:47,250 When you're buying Christmas trees... 186 00:07:47,762 --> 00:07:49,343 you're really buying sex. 187 00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:51,996 Have you always been short? I've always been fat. 188 00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:54,353 But who cares how God made you? 189 00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,678 Don't let him put you in a skin box. 190 00:07:56,697 --> 00:07:58,507 At the end of the day, I'm just a fat guy 191 00:07:58,528 --> 00:08:01,410 standing here in front of a short guy telling him that... 192 00:08:02,335 --> 00:08:03,828 I think we found his tree. 193 00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:06,544 It wasn't long before I caught the attention of Old Man McCue, 194 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:09,171 Christmas tree king of Syracuse, 195 00:08:09,371 --> 00:08:11,067 inventor of triple netting. 196 00:08:11,134 --> 00:08:12,127 (Gasping) 197 00:08:12,152 --> 00:08:13,512 However... 198 00:08:14,235 --> 00:08:16,664 In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel... 199 00:08:16,686 --> 00:08:18,733 Billy Joel is definitely alive. 200 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:20,388 And he's definitely not a knight. 201 00:08:20,407 --> 00:08:21,907 "The good, they do die young." 202 00:08:21,939 --> 00:08:24,852 ♪ As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ♪ 203 00:08:24,865 --> 00:08:28,178 ♪ I take a look at my life and realize there's nothin' left ♪ 204 00:08:28,196 --> 00:08:30,849 ♪ 'Cause I've been blastin' and laughin' so long ♪ 205 00:08:30,873 --> 00:08:34,220 ♪ That even my mama thinks That my mind is gone, but... ♪ 206 00:08:35,102 --> 00:08:37,311 When you're on your deathbed, 207 00:08:37,330 --> 00:08:39,943 when your life has been lived, 208 00:08:39,974 --> 00:08:41,536 you're never gonna say, 209 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:45,016 "I wish I'd spent more time with my family." 210 00:08:45,956 --> 00:08:50,164 Because money and everything it buys, 211 00:08:50,877 --> 00:08:54,024 you can take it... 212 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:55,873 with you... 213 00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:57,986 (Heart monitor drones) 214 00:09:10,504 --> 00:09:11,720 Jess: Interesting, money. 215 00:09:11,737 --> 00:09:14,587 Actually the museum job pays more than the teaching job. 216 00:09:14,613 --> 00:09:16,280 Wait, the m... (Stammers) 217 00:09:16,326 --> 00:09:18,292 Then what the hell are we talking about here, you guys? 218 00:09:18,311 --> 00:09:20,958 Done deal, case closed. Follow them ducats. 219 00:09:20,981 --> 00:09:22,501 It's not always about the money, Schmidt. 220 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,256 Guys, look, it's almost 6:00. 221 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,126 And Candace is insanely punctual. 222 00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:30,055 You know, one of the best career choices of the future... 223 00:09:30,230 --> 00:09:31,642 Driveways. 224 00:09:33,708 --> 00:09:35,301 You're welcome. 225 00:09:41,605 --> 00:09:44,092 - Jess, the museum job pays more. - All right... 226 00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:46,045 - The decision has been made for you. - No, no, no. 227 00:09:46,057 --> 00:09:48,343 You don't know the difference between more and less. 228 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:49,519 - Don't you? - Yes, Schmidt. 229 00:09:49,534 --> 00:09:51,354 All of my decision's have been made for me. 230 00:09:51,367 --> 00:09:54,111 I'm only in sports radio because I played professional basketball. 231 00:09:54,124 --> 00:09:58,183 I played professional basketball because somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby. 232 00:09:58,401 --> 00:10:00,774 What if somebody gave Baby Winston a flower? 233 00:10:00,962 --> 00:10:03,405 - Then what would I be? - Beekeeper! - Hummingbird farmer. 234 00:10:03,424 --> 00:10:06,030 Oh, does water shoot out of the flower? If so, you'd be a hilarious comedian. 235 00:10:06,075 --> 00:10:09,354 Wait, guys, this is classic after 6:00 topics. 236 00:10:09,372 --> 00:10:11,435 Look, I... There has to be more to this than money. 237 00:10:11,448 --> 00:10:13,336 I really want to care about what I do. 238 00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:15,922 Don't you ever miss getting your hands dirty and selling? 239 00:10:15,944 --> 00:10:17,417 I've moved up in the world. 240 00:10:17,433 --> 00:10:20,658 I'm not freezing and covered in sap. I'm making spreadsheets. 241 00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:22,543 It's like Old Man McCue used to say. 242 00:10:22,566 --> 00:10:24,933 The reward is in the destination. 243 00:10:24,955 --> 00:10:27,940 - It's not in the journey. - Was he wise or was he senile? 244 00:10:27,955 --> 00:10:30,455 Because he's mixed up a lot of really well-known sayings. 245 00:10:30,487 --> 00:10:33,005 Jess, you're gonna want to listen to me. 246 00:10:33,035 --> 00:10:35,228 Anyone else here named after their career? 247 00:10:35,252 --> 00:10:36,471 (Chuckles) 248 00:10:36,993 --> 00:10:39,193 People call you Markety? 249 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,331 (Quietly): Not yet. 250 00:10:40,344 --> 00:10:42,184 That's too bad 'cause that's awesome. 251 00:10:42,199 --> 00:10:44,821 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 252 00:10:44,827 --> 00:10:46,261 Hands up, Ulvis! 253 00:10:46,281 --> 00:10:47,988 Ball screen, Vlad, come on! 254 00:10:48,003 --> 00:10:49,671 There we go, yes! 255 00:10:50,124 --> 00:10:52,694 Bishop, finger out of your nose, now! 256 00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:54,122 Ernie's a really good coach. 257 00:10:54,141 --> 00:10:56,454 - Maybe we should call him Coach. - We should probably call him... 258 00:10:57,313 --> 00:10:58,213 You do it first. 259 00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,821 - Uh... Coach. - Yeah. 260 00:10:59,841 --> 00:11:01,968 That's a great name! High five! 261 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:02,755 Yeah! 262 00:11:02,777 --> 00:11:04,512 I think you see what I mean. 263 00:11:04,527 --> 00:11:06,094 No, I do... I really don't. 264 00:11:06,155 --> 00:11:08,657 My point is don't overthink it, Jess. 265 00:11:08,677 --> 00:11:10,884 The call's coming from inside the house. 266 00:11:10,919 --> 00:11:12,892 - What? - Be who you are. 267 00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:15,708 - And do what you do. - What if I don't know who I am? 268 00:11:15,714 --> 00:11:17,896 And you know, I'm capable of doing a lot of different things. 269 00:11:17,921 --> 00:11:20,341 - Then you are on your own. - Good stuff, Coach. 270 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,607 Jess, would it help to think about your first day as a teacher? 271 00:11:23,620 --> 00:11:25,536 Like, I think about the first time I ever poured a drink... 272 00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:26,950 - Boo, get off the stage! - Aw, man. 273 00:11:26,963 --> 00:11:28,623 - Nick! - Dude, stop. - No, that's interesting. 274 00:11:28,651 --> 00:11:30,878 The first day I ever taught. 275 00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:33,180 Portland Country Day. 276 00:11:33,203 --> 00:11:35,910 Five-team Pacific Northwest squash champions. 277 00:11:35,932 --> 00:11:38,084 Go, Rhododendrons! 278 00:11:38,993 --> 00:11:42,320 Now, if I was chalk, where would I be? 279 00:11:42,358 --> 00:11:44,704 If I were chalk, where would I be? 280 00:11:44,717 --> 00:11:48,078 Slip up like that in front of the kids, Day, and they'll eat you alive. 281 00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:49,760 (Gasps) 282 00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:54,502 Eddie Pascucci kicked my ass because I'm new. 283 00:11:54,523 --> 00:11:55,941 Well, guess what? 284 00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,972 I'm new, too. 285 00:11:57,993 --> 00:12:00,312 I got lost trying to find the upper dining garden. 286 00:12:00,325 --> 00:12:03,912 Oh, that's over by the hedge maze and the stables. 287 00:12:03,925 --> 00:12:06,034 I haven't even met my horse yet. 288 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:06,952 (Laughs) 289 00:12:06,969 --> 00:12:08,709 Come on, let's get you cleaned up. 290 00:12:08,730 --> 00:12:11,070 All of these jackets have cash in the pockets. 291 00:12:11,093 --> 00:12:13,929 It's like a $50,000 lost and found. 292 00:12:14,189 --> 00:12:15,529 Here, try this one. 293 00:12:15,657 --> 00:12:16,717 Yup. 294 00:12:16,744 --> 00:12:18,217 You look great, Clifton. 295 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,667 This doesn't fit! 296 00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:22,415 Eddie Pascucci beats up the unstylish! 297 00:12:22,428 --> 00:12:23,275 Yeah, that's right. 298 00:12:23,292 --> 00:12:24,856 We had an ethnic, gay bully. 299 00:12:27,386 --> 00:12:29,800 He's gonna have to come through me first. (Cracks knuckles) 300 00:12:29,806 --> 00:12:32,747 Clifton Collins really just needed someone to believe in him. 301 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,449 So I started tutoring him in math, 302 00:12:34,464 --> 00:12:36,691 and he became the best math student in school. 303 00:12:36,711 --> 00:12:40,248 So, let's look him up and see how happy and successful and amazing he's doing. 304 00:12:40,283 --> 00:12:42,594 - Yeah! - I think that'll really fire you up. 305 00:12:45,968 --> 00:12:47,176 All right, there's no trace of him. 306 00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:49,223 - What? - I'm really, I'm really good at this. 307 00:12:49,245 --> 00:12:50,657 I'm good at it, let me see. 308 00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:52,191 - You found him. He's right here. - No, I didn't. 309 00:12:52,199 --> 00:12:53,647 - Here's Clifton, wow. - It's not a... 310 00:12:53,654 --> 00:12:55,240 - Yeah, he's right there. That's Clifton. - Oh, yeah. 311 00:12:55,263 --> 00:12:56,503 We're not the only ones looking for him. 312 00:12:56,516 --> 00:12:58,050 - So's the FBI. - What? 313 00:12:58,072 --> 00:12:59,995 - Yeah, he's a criminal. - No. 314 00:13:00,356 --> 00:13:02,021 Oh, my God. 315 00:13:02,171 --> 00:13:04,882 Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins? 316 00:13:05,154 --> 00:13:07,075 Wanted for 53... (Groans) 317 00:13:07,110 --> 00:13:09,117 ...counts of embezzlement. 318 00:13:09,151 --> 00:13:10,368 Sounds like the math took. 319 00:13:10,393 --> 00:13:12,558 (Groans) Screw me. 320 00:13:12,868 --> 00:13:14,521 Like, I... 321 00:13:14,716 --> 00:13:17,294 Maybe I wasn't even reaching the kids at all. 322 00:13:21,069 --> 00:13:23,183 Okay, you know what? 323 00:13:23,205 --> 00:13:24,915 - Miller up. - Excuse me? 324 00:13:24,928 --> 00:13:27,254 That's just like "fill 'er up, "but with "Miller." 325 00:13:27,282 --> 00:13:29,322 - Don't. - 'Cause I'm about to fill you up. 326 00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:30,791 - No, that's gross. - With my stories. 327 00:13:30,807 --> 00:13:32,174 - Oh, please don't. - That's disgusting. 328 00:13:32,194 --> 00:13:33,561 What's disgusting about it? 329 00:13:34,135 --> 00:13:37,658 My first year of law school, I made an important discovery. 330 00:13:37,671 --> 00:13:39,600 Look left. Look right. 331 00:13:39,621 --> 00:13:41,649 Next year, one of you will be gone. 332 00:13:42,003 --> 00:13:43,902 What a cliché, huh? 333 00:13:44,313 --> 00:13:46,083 Oh, you wrote that down. 334 00:13:49,092 --> 00:13:51,692 You'll be gone. I'm not going anywhere. 335 00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,540 I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be right here. 336 00:13:53,561 --> 00:13:55,288 Take it easy, guy to my right. 337 00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:58,702 I discovered that I hated being around these people. 338 00:13:58,995 --> 00:14:01,282 But second year, I made another discovery. 339 00:14:01,309 --> 00:14:03,375 I hated being around myself. 340 00:14:03,405 --> 00:14:06,635 So my third year, I wanted to find a place where I belonged. 341 00:14:06,669 --> 00:14:09,884 Where I could look to my left or look to my right and like what I saw. 342 00:14:09,902 --> 00:14:12,156 Schmidt: Love you in that scarf. Why don't you wear scarves anymore? 343 00:14:12,174 --> 00:14:13,481 That place? 344 00:14:13,506 --> 00:14:14,902 Perhaps you guessed it: 345 00:14:14,923 --> 00:14:16,393 This very bar. 346 00:14:16,432 --> 00:14:19,075 Winston: Get out of town. What a twist. 347 00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,101 (Music playing in background) 348 00:14:22,683 --> 00:14:24,163 Jess: How long has that guy been there? 349 00:14:24,181 --> 00:14:25,155 Nick: Kevin-97? 350 00:14:25,174 --> 00:14:27,693 Since 1997, Jess. Why else do you think we would call him... 351 00:14:27,713 --> 00:14:29,734 I don't know. Move it along, Miller. 352 00:14:29,772 --> 00:14:31,448 True, I wasn't loving law school, 353 00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:35,700 but my grades were fine and I even signed up for the California State Bar. 354 00:14:36,314 --> 00:14:37,981 And then, one day... 355 00:14:38,066 --> 00:14:40,179 Red over-served himself 356 00:14:40,603 --> 00:14:42,190 and everything changed. 357 00:14:42,203 --> 00:14:43,496 Jess: So you went behind the bar, 358 00:14:43,526 --> 00:14:45,179 quit law school, you became a bartender... 359 00:14:45,193 --> 00:14:47,186 - There's more to it than that. - Two minutes! 360 00:14:47,205 --> 00:14:49,452 Oh, my God. I honestly don't know what to do. 361 00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:51,632 - I have so little time. - Hey. 362 00:14:51,661 --> 00:14:52,474 Jess: Cece! 363 00:14:52,495 --> 00:14:54,462 Have you ever questioned your entire career? 364 00:14:54,490 --> 00:14:56,763 Duh, I'm a 31 year old model. 365 00:14:56,789 --> 00:15:00,414 My last job was for a phone sex ad, and I was the one calling. 366 00:15:00,436 --> 00:15:01,543 Tell me what to do. 367 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,892 And don't tell me to ask the guys, because I already tried that. 368 00:15:03,906 --> 00:15:06,453 And also, don't tell me to think about my first student, Clifton. 369 00:15:06,466 --> 00:15:09,586 Okay, no, wait. Your first student was not Clifton. 370 00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:11,541 (Phone ringing) 371 00:15:15,142 --> 00:15:17,241 Lady, she's still got one minute. 372 00:15:19,855 --> 00:15:22,657 That was a butt dial from your mother. She is up to no good. 373 00:15:26,894 --> 00:15:29,811 Cece, bring it fast, and bring it hard. You have 53 seconds. 374 00:15:35,555 --> 00:15:37,543 - You okay? - Yes. 375 00:15:38,403 --> 00:15:39,230 No. 376 00:15:39,253 --> 00:15:42,315 I think I need glasses unless crying makes your eyes not work. 377 00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:46,608 I can't read this, but even when I can, I don't understand it. 378 00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:50,260 Crying makes your eyes work better. After I finished Sophie's Choice, 379 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,223 I could see in the dark for a week. 380 00:15:55,085 --> 00:15:57,122 Here's what I do when I lose mine. 381 00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:03,427 Ooh, this is interesting. Get in here, we'll learn it together. 382 00:16:03,446 --> 00:16:04,706 But everyone'll laugh at us. 383 00:16:04,729 --> 00:16:07,310 They can drive it or milk it as far as I'm concerned. 384 00:16:08,405 --> 00:16:11,124 I don't know what that means. I heard my dad say it. 385 00:16:15,081 --> 00:16:16,559 My dad just died. 386 00:16:18,982 --> 00:16:22,551 Well, if you want to come over, and listen to mine say 387 00:16:22,570 --> 00:16:25,582 "They can drive it or milk it..." you can. 388 00:16:25,979 --> 00:16:28,650 He's also got one about the turds in City Hall. 389 00:16:30,108 --> 00:16:31,486 Thanks. 390 00:16:40,301 --> 00:16:42,350 - I'm Cece. - Jess. 391 00:16:44,306 --> 00:16:46,388 I was your first student. 392 00:16:47,071 --> 00:16:50,822 (Phone ringing) 393 00:16:53,986 --> 00:16:56,353 Hey, Candace. Um... 394 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,376 Yeah, actually... 395 00:16:59,221 --> 00:17:01,341 I'm not going to take the job. 396 00:17:02,372 --> 00:17:04,807 Yeah, I'll see you Sunday. Okay, bye. 397 00:17:05,318 --> 00:17:06,651 - Yeah! - Whoo! 398 00:17:06,671 --> 00:17:08,355 - Thanks guys. - Yes! 399 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,409 Thanks guys. 400 00:17:11,045 --> 00:17:12,234 You did it. 401 00:17:12,258 --> 00:17:13,645 Good stuff. 402 00:17:14,043 --> 00:17:16,205 Hey, she did it. 403 00:17:16,414 --> 00:17:18,181 You made the right call, Jess. What's wrong? 404 00:17:18,201 --> 00:17:20,238 I think you're right. I made the right decision. 405 00:17:23,455 --> 00:17:25,629 Look, I know it's hard, 406 00:17:25,654 --> 00:17:27,498 but the hard is what... 407 00:17:27,518 --> 00:17:29,244 makes it good. 408 00:17:30,314 --> 00:17:32,571 - Uhm, A League of Their Own - Is that from A League of Their Own. 409 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,400 Yes, of course. All of my quotes are from a sports movie. 410 00:17:34,407 --> 00:17:35,820 You guys don't know them, and so they seem original. 411 00:17:35,838 --> 00:17:37,751 A League of Their Own is not a sports movie. 412 00:17:37,778 --> 00:17:39,513 It's a sports movie, first and foremost. 413 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,977 It's about sisterhood and the war. 414 00:17:41,997 --> 00:17:44,176 - Yeah, absolutely. - It's about a baseball team grinding it up. 415 00:17:44,190 --> 00:17:47,999 ♪ This used to be my playground... ♪ 416 00:17:48,508 --> 00:17:49,761 Coming right up. 417 00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:51,991 His sister really worries about his drinking, so what I do is 418 00:17:52,011 --> 00:17:56,124 I come in early, and I soak a teabag until the water turns brown 419 00:17:56,139 --> 00:17:58,096 and looks like booze. 420 00:17:58,107 --> 00:17:59,505 I call it tea-water. 421 00:17:59,542 --> 00:18:00,849 So... 422 00:18:01,173 --> 00:18:02,421 tea. 423 00:18:02,504 --> 00:18:05,696 I will take a big old glass of booze-water. 424 00:18:05,714 --> 00:18:07,987 Got an antacid commercial tomorrow 425 00:18:08,017 --> 00:18:10,104 - and I'm playing day-old curry. - Oof. 426 00:18:10,859 --> 00:18:14,725 Or you can bartend. You can bartend till you're 90 years old. 427 00:18:14,776 --> 00:18:17,397 Why don't you fire this down to Kevin-97? 428 00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:19,349 (Cracks knuckles, sighs) 429 00:18:22,343 --> 00:18:23,972 Jess: Oh, no. 430 00:18:25,093 --> 00:18:26,347 We're gonna work on that. 431 00:18:26,562 --> 00:18:27,728 Good morning, everybody. 432 00:18:27,757 --> 00:18:30,104 Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics. 433 00:18:30,132 --> 00:18:33,019 Turn in your equations, and you will get a frog. 434 00:18:33,041 --> 00:18:35,283 Dissect carefully, because inside the frog 435 00:18:35,302 --> 00:18:37,712 is the name of the city council member 436 00:18:37,739 --> 00:18:40,570 who you will be e-mailing to restart construction. 437 00:18:40,590 --> 00:18:41,452 - Ms. Day? - Yes. 438 00:18:41,464 --> 00:18:43,638 I thought this was gonna be a disaster. 439 00:18:43,659 --> 00:18:47,629 But thanks to you, I can go upstairs to the big boys 440 00:18:47,643 --> 00:18:50,610 and tell them they can always depend... 441 00:18:51,247 --> 00:18:53,650 on Dr. Alan Foster. 442 00:18:55,239 --> 00:18:56,396 Yeah. 443 00:18:56,672 --> 00:18:59,371 Please take his job, I'm begging you. 444 00:18:59,489 --> 00:19:02,756 I'd do it myself, but I'd never pass the psych test. 445 00:19:02,919 --> 00:19:04,046 Jess: So I figure... 446 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:07,527 if Foster can be a principal, then why can't I be a principal? 447 00:19:07,557 --> 00:19:09,064 - That's great. - I don't see why not. 448 00:19:09,078 --> 00:19:11,265 - Thank you. - Then you could take me to the principal's office 449 00:19:11,271 --> 00:19:13,470 and punish me for being tardy, and... 450 00:19:13,483 --> 00:19:15,636 - You know we're right here, right? - Just lift up my britches and... 451 00:19:15,658 --> 00:19:16,825 - We'll talk about it later. - Okay. 452 00:19:16,844 --> 00:19:18,257 - We'll do it in my office. - Very nice. 453 00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:19,647 After I fill up my juice box. 454 00:19:19,675 --> 00:19:20,582 (Giggles) 455 00:19:20,609 --> 00:19:22,701 So, guys, just quit my job today. 456 00:19:22,721 --> 00:19:24,439 - Whoa, big decision. - Oh, man! - What? 457 00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:25,956 I just finally said to myself, 458 00:19:25,975 --> 00:19:27,675 "It is time to make your own decisions." 459 00:19:27,684 --> 00:19:28,584 - Right on. - Yeah. 460 00:19:28,597 --> 00:19:31,252 If it doesn't work out, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you back. 461 00:19:31,274 --> 00:19:33,411 They would... they would not like to have me back. 462 00:19:33,443 --> 00:19:34,910 - I burned a lot of bridges today. - Mmm. 463 00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:37,072 Uh, stuff got weird. Stuff got... racial. 464 00:19:37,085 --> 00:19:38,632 - What? - I used a lot of swearwords. 465 00:19:38,661 --> 00:19:40,230 Then I got sexual... 466 00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:42,508 Well, sounds like you need a drink. On the house. 467 00:19:42,525 --> 00:19:45,143 - What can I get you? - Ooh... Let me get a, let me get a... 468 00:19:45,161 --> 00:19:46,668 We have everything. What would you like to drink? 469 00:19:46,689 --> 00:19:48,562 But you know, I'll make the decision. 470 00:19:48,590 --> 00:19:50,066 Let me get... 471 00:19:50,421 --> 00:19:52,434 - Double amaretto, extra cherries! - Double amaretto, extra cherries! 472 00:19:52,448 --> 00:19:54,575 - That's what I was gonna say. - Nice. 473 00:19:55,769 --> 00:19:57,876 - Oh, dear. - Oh, my goodness! 474 00:19:57,902 --> 00:19:59,509 My first shift, you know? I'm still working on it. 475 00:19:59,529 --> 00:20:01,061 - She's getting better. - That was great. 476 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,313 - Coach: That was awesome. - Schmidt: Yeah. A natural. 477 00:20:03,412 --> 00:20:04,846 ("Clavado En Un Bar" begins playing) 478 00:20:05,629 --> 00:20:06,709 - Hey. - Hey. 479 00:20:06,728 --> 00:20:08,887 Sorry I didn't let you finish your story. 480 00:20:12,872 --> 00:20:15,294 - What's this? - The end of my story. 481 00:20:17,906 --> 00:20:19,570 No way! 482 00:20:20,890 --> 00:20:23,163 You passed the bar exam? 483 00:20:23,963 --> 00:20:26,931 I wanted to prove to myself that I dropped out of law school 484 00:20:26,944 --> 00:20:29,193 because I wanted to be a bartender, 485 00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:31,177 not because I couldn't be a lawyer. 486 00:20:31,190 --> 00:20:33,027 - This also says "spaghetti sandwich." - That's just 'cause 487 00:20:33,048 --> 00:20:35,161 it's a great idea. When I have a great idea, I write it down. 488 00:20:35,862 --> 00:20:36,855 The point is... 489 00:20:36,859 --> 00:20:38,270 is I want this. 490 00:20:38,748 --> 00:20:40,262 You know, it makes me happy. 491 00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:41,664 Well, here. 492 00:20:42,463 --> 00:20:44,461 Now, can I get you a drink? 493 00:20:44,793 --> 00:20:46,251 - Sure. - Sure. 494 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,335 Cheers. To unemployment. 495 00:20:53,356 --> 00:20:55,141 - Absolutely. - Exactly. 496 00:21:17,563 --> 00:21:19,866 I see you're looking at a Douglas fir. 497 00:21:19,886 --> 00:21:23,106 It's a beautiful tree. We move a ton of these Dougie firs. Love them. 498 00:21:23,172 --> 00:21:24,519 But... 499 00:21:24,733 --> 00:21:27,131 I feel like you're ready for the spruce lifestyle. 500 00:21:27,435 --> 00:21:28,855 Let's spruce this up. 501 00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:30,390 Let me put you in a spruce today. 502 00:21:30,418 --> 00:21:32,798 What kind of ceilings you dealing with at home? Vaulted? Cathedral? 503 00:21:32,818 --> 00:21:33,988 By the way, there's no wrong answer. 504 00:21:34,014 --> 00:21:35,741 You look like a confident man, you know that? 505 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,360 You deserve a confident tree... 506 00:21:37,636 --> 00:21:43,636 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther