1
00:00:02,088 --> 00:00:06,319
Andy got back from London two days
ago and he still has jet lag.
2
00:00:06,345 --> 00:00:09,465
It's really annoying. We're on
totally different schedules.
3
00:00:09,484 --> 00:00:12,317
Last night he mowed the lawn
at 2:00 in the morning.
4
00:00:12,597 --> 00:00:14,929
Andy!
Andy!
5
00:00:14,954 --> 00:00:16,574
- Get me a beer?
- All right.
6
00:00:16,593 --> 00:00:19,746
As soon as I wake up,
he goes down. Hard.
7
00:00:20,373 --> 00:00:22,034
This has to stop!
8
00:00:22,069 --> 00:00:23,047
[Snores]
9
00:00:23,072 --> 00:00:24,369
Babe, wake up.
10
00:00:24,395 --> 00:00:26,715
That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.
11
00:00:26,757 --> 00:00:27,615
Babe!
12
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:30,034
[Clanging]
13
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:32,091
You hungry, Champion?
14
00:00:32,623 --> 00:00:35,205
[Gasps] Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
15
00:00:39,675 --> 00:00:42,419
Hey. Oh, man,
I fell asleep again.
16
00:00:42,425 --> 00:00:46,052
Andy, you have got to stay up
and get on a regular schedule.
17
00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:49,222
Were you about to spray me
with the hose inside the house?
18
00:00:49,245 --> 00:00:50,578
Yeah.
19
00:00:50,603 --> 00:00:51,876
I kinda want you to do it now.
20
00:00:51,894 --> 00:00:54,081
- Okay.
- Aah! Aah!
21
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:55,513
- Aaahhh!
- [Shouting]
22
00:00:55,534 --> 00:00:58,271
No, no, no, no, no, no!
23
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,365
[Screaming]
24
00:01:02,467 --> 00:01:05,369
[Triumphant music]
25
00:01:05,383 --> 00:01:13,257
♪
26
00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:22,133
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
27
00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:27,048
Okay, just a reminder, guys, today is
Leslie's last day as a city councilor,
28
00:01:27,061 --> 00:01:29,140
so everyone be extra supportive.
29
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:30,287
Already done.
30
00:01:30,313 --> 00:01:34,217
When she walked past me this
morning, I gave her a kind nod.
31
00:01:34,812 --> 00:01:39,039
Heartwarming. Also I want to get her a
present to cheer her up on her last day.
32
00:01:39,065 --> 00:01:39,992
Any ideas?
33
00:01:40,028 --> 00:01:42,054
A "sorry you lost
your dream job" gift?
34
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,291
Mm, that's a tough one.
Stay away from wine.
35
00:01:44,323 --> 00:01:45,631
Wine is crying juice.
36
00:01:45,658 --> 00:01:47,271
Well, I mean, you know her
better than anybody.
37
00:01:47,284 --> 00:01:50,542
What does she really want?
More than anything in the world?
38
00:01:51,174 --> 00:01:53,159
A nice candle.
I'm screwed.
39
00:01:53,192 --> 00:01:55,153
- [Gasps]
- No! Andy!
40
00:01:55,173 --> 00:01:56,589
- An-Andy!
- Oh! Come on!
41
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,504
- Andy!
- Be right out.
42
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:02,456
Well, this is the Pawnee
City Council chambers.
43
00:02:02,482 --> 00:02:04,096
Your new home away from me.
44
00:02:04,122 --> 00:02:06,838
Well, technically, my home
away from home is in Zurich.
45
00:02:06,864 --> 00:02:09,573
Frank Gehry designed it.
But this is nice too.
46
00:02:09,603 --> 00:02:10,867
Today is my last day
47
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,980
[hoarsely]
as a--excuse me.
48
00:02:13,139 --> 00:02:14,559
[Clears throat]
Let me try this again.
49
00:02:14,578 --> 00:02:16,218
Today is [Hoarsely]
my last day at C--
50
00:02:16,231 --> 00:02:17,967
[full voice]
Today is my la--
51
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:19,401
[high pitched]
Today is my last d--
52
00:02:19,435 --> 00:02:20,642
You know what?
You get the idea.
53
00:02:20,661 --> 00:02:22,901
My old friend Ingrid de
Forest won the recall vote,
54
00:02:22,921 --> 00:02:24,715
and she's taking my place
on Monday morning.
55
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:27,295
But, you know, luckily for me,
I've processed all my feelings.
56
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,341
And I've gone through
the five stages of grief:
57
00:02:29,364 --> 00:02:31,893
Denial, anger,
Internet commenting,
58
00:02:31,913 --> 00:02:35,753
cat adoption, African dance, cat
returning to the adoption place,
59
00:02:35,786 --> 00:02:39,410
watching all the episodes of Murphy
Brown, and not giving a flying fart.
60
00:02:40,010 --> 00:02:41,663
How many stages is that?
61
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,976
I don't know. The point
is I'm fine now.
62
00:02:44,735 --> 00:02:46,594
This must be hard for you.
63
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,353
It's like what sir Ian
McKellen said to me
64
00:02:48,366 --> 00:02:50,726
the day I sold my boat
to Karl Lagerfeld:
65
00:02:50,746 --> 00:02:53,073
"Parting is such sweet sorrow."
66
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:55,033
Oh, my God.
What is your life?
67
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:58,481
If it makes any difference, your work
here was a real inspiration to me,
68
00:02:58,499 --> 00:03:02,361
and I am going to do my best
to continue your legacy.
69
00:03:02,536 --> 00:03:04,484
Well, I appreciate
the sentiment.
70
00:03:05,379 --> 00:03:06,964
[Exhales]
71
00:03:09,193 --> 00:03:10,534
- Leslie.
- [Gasps]
72
00:03:10,728 --> 00:03:14,008
I'm sorry. Was I singing Goodbye
Yellow Brick Road out loud?
73
00:03:14,041 --> 00:03:16,276
No. But would you like to?
74
00:03:16,290 --> 00:03:19,509
I studied opera at the Sorbonne.
I'd be happy to harmonize.
75
00:03:20,143 --> 00:03:22,170
- [Sings] Goodbye...
- [Sings operatically] Goodbye...
76
00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:23,550
Naw.
77
00:03:24,652 --> 00:03:25,985
And finally,
78
00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:29,252
here is a check for the entirety
of the purchase of Rent-A-Swag.
79
00:03:29,259 --> 00:03:33,025
And here is a personal note
from my client Dr. Saperstein.
80
00:03:33,045 --> 00:03:36,259
"Dear Tom: I win. You suck.
Turn note over.
81
00:03:36,301 --> 00:03:39,171
You still suck.
Turn note over."
82
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,167
Okay, Saperstein couldn't
even face me himself?
83
00:03:41,187 --> 00:03:42,600
He had to send in his lackey?
84
00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:44,891
My client isn't at this meeting
because he doesn't have to be.
85
00:03:44,916 --> 00:03:46,366
Successful people,
Mr. Haverford,
86
00:03:46,379 --> 00:03:48,435
use their money to use
others to work for them.
87
00:03:48,456 --> 00:03:50,836
Hmm, it's an interesting
idea, lawyer-dude.
88
00:03:51,207 --> 00:03:54,034
What if I gave you 5 bucks to put a
bag of poop in Saperstein's car?
89
00:03:54,046 --> 00:03:55,174
No.
[Locks click]
90
00:03:55,209 --> 00:03:57,202
Ballpark me. How
much would it cost?
91
00:03:57,702 --> 00:03:59,085
$10,000.
92
00:03:59,243 --> 00:04:00,816
Counter-offer:
93
00:04:00,836 --> 00:04:02,183
Why don't you just
do it for the story?
94
00:04:02,202 --> 00:04:03,696
Goodbye, Mr. Haverford.
95
00:04:04,918 --> 00:04:06,324
Is it done?
96
00:04:06,356 --> 00:04:09,351
Well, how many times
did he turn the paper over?
97
00:04:10,132 --> 00:04:12,731
Oh, that is disappointing.
98
00:04:13,230 --> 00:04:14,217
So...
99
00:04:14,230 --> 00:04:15,163
look at this baby.
100
00:04:15,182 --> 00:04:18,031
That is the most symmetrical
fetus I've ever seen.
101
00:04:18,065 --> 00:04:20,518
This could be a superhero.
102
00:04:20,545 --> 00:04:22,018
- Dr. Saperstein.
- Yes.
103
00:04:22,038 --> 00:04:23,345
I know that we should hate you
104
00:04:23,366 --> 00:04:24,964
because you destroyed
our friend's business.
105
00:04:24,984 --> 00:04:26,964
- But we love you so much!
- We love you!
106
00:04:26,979 --> 00:04:28,248
I'm loveable!
107
00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:30,090
So do you wanna know the sex?
108
00:04:30,116 --> 00:04:31,849
Oh, my God.
Should we?
109
00:04:31,878 --> 00:04:34,232
N-no, right?
Or maybe yes?
110
00:04:34,252 --> 00:04:36,025
Is there an option
other than yes or no?
111
00:04:36,045 --> 00:04:37,545
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
112
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,558
I'm gonna write it down.
113
00:04:38,577 --> 00:04:42,150
Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope,
seal it, and when you're ready,
114
00:04:42,170 --> 00:04:43,117
voila!
115
00:04:43,138 --> 00:04:45,373
- That'll be fun!
- That's like the Oscars.
116
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,420
[Laughs]
117
00:04:46,445 --> 00:04:48,725
Hey, let's get some food.
I'm starving.
118
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:50,157
Wait, no, I have to pee.
119
00:04:50,170 --> 00:04:51,844
Wait, no, I have to barf.
120
00:04:52,169 --> 00:04:55,094
Actually, all three.
Being pregnant is great.
121
00:04:55,597 --> 00:04:58,057
And, finally, Larry's
share of the profit.
122
00:04:58,083 --> 00:04:59,767
Whoa! Good to be Larry.
123
00:04:59,773 --> 00:05:01,343
No, it's not, you
boring grandpa.
124
00:05:01,349 --> 00:05:03,516
Meanwhile, Tommy's ridin' high.
125
00:05:03,535 --> 00:05:05,162
$32,000.
126
00:05:05,181 --> 00:05:06,495
I'm basically a millionaire.
127
00:05:06,508 --> 00:05:07,908
What are you gonna do
with the money, Tom?
128
00:05:07,921 --> 00:05:11,037
Glad you asked. A horrible man
recently gave me some great advice.
129
00:05:11,058 --> 00:05:13,378
For years, I've been coming
up with my own ideas.
130
00:05:13,407 --> 00:05:15,253
Like some sort of
non-rich idiot.
131
00:05:15,272 --> 00:05:17,353
Now I'm gonna let
people come to me
132
00:05:17,373 --> 00:05:19,440
and invest my scrilla
in the best idea I hear.
133
00:05:19,465 --> 00:05:22,271
That sounds like an efficient
use of the free market.
134
00:05:22,291 --> 00:05:23,944
I would wish you
the best of luck,
135
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,800
but I believe luck is a
concept invented by the weak
136
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,534
to explain their failures.
137
00:05:28,551 --> 00:05:29,751
Come hear the ideas
with me, Ron.
138
00:05:29,773 --> 00:05:31,781
I could use your wise,
grandfatherly advice.
139
00:05:31,793 --> 00:05:33,948
Do you think everyone here
is a grandfather?
140
00:05:33,972 --> 00:05:36,039
Basically, if you're older
than me, you're a grandpa.
141
00:05:36,052 --> 00:05:37,685
And if you are a
grandpa, you're dead.
142
00:05:37,714 --> 00:05:39,241
- That sounds right.
- Uh, oops.
143
00:05:39,266 --> 00:05:40,959
This check is made
out to "Lenny,"
144
00:05:40,981 --> 00:05:42,468
which I think is a
typo for "Larry,"
145
00:05:42,490 --> 00:05:44,143
which isn't even
actually my name.
146
00:05:44,161 --> 00:05:46,407
[Laughs] Well, tell it
to the bank, Lenny.
147
00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:48,835
Am I--am I Lenny now?
148
00:05:49,329 --> 00:05:51,636
I'd like to order
a singing telegram.
149
00:05:51,798 --> 00:05:55,265
Well, my wife lost her job, so
maybe something sad and slow.
150
00:05:55,291 --> 00:05:58,304
Do you know anything from The
Requiem for a Dream soundtrack?
151
00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,609
This is a bad idea. I'm
hanging up now. Bye.
152
00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:02,473
Well, Ingrid is settled
into my office,
153
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,352
and this box contains
the last of my stuff.
154
00:06:04,375 --> 00:06:06,467
Although I might have left
some salt packets in my desk.
155
00:06:06,486 --> 00:06:07,860
Maybe I should go back
for those?
156
00:06:07,886 --> 00:06:09,953
Honey, it's okay, there'll
be other salt packets.
157
00:06:09,982 --> 00:06:12,082
But not the kind that
snaps in half, maybe.
158
00:06:12,103 --> 00:06:13,965
Okay, I know
I'm a broken record,
159
00:06:13,983 --> 00:06:16,101
but getting away
from the City Council
160
00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:19,323
is absolutely the best
thing for you. Trust me.
161
00:06:20,604 --> 00:06:24,726
This is Perd Hapley talking to you
now about what's going on today.
162
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,642
We're live at City Hall where
City Councilman Dexhart
163
00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:30,119
is addressing his
latest sex scandal.
164
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:32,620
Recently, certain allegations
have come to light
165
00:06:32,633 --> 00:06:35,277
about my inappropriate conduct.
166
00:06:35,555 --> 00:06:38,066
I'm here to set the
record straight.
167
00:06:38,569 --> 00:06:41,029
I totally did all of it.
168
00:06:41,059 --> 00:06:43,973
Another sex scandal?
This guy's unbelievable.
169
00:06:43,993 --> 00:06:45,344
How does he find the time?
170
00:06:45,376 --> 00:06:48,283
I also engaged in
inappropriate texting,
171
00:06:48,318 --> 00:06:51,491
sexting,
and tex-mexting,
172
00:06:51,507 --> 00:06:54,125
which is where you send
photos of your junk
173
00:06:54,145 --> 00:06:56,611
from the restroom
of a chili's to go.
174
00:06:56,637 --> 00:06:57,471
- Hmm.
- Ew.
175
00:06:57,484 --> 00:07:00,234
Does this make me a bad boy?
176
00:07:00,490 --> 00:07:02,018
You tell me.
177
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,014
No. Really. Tell me.
178
00:07:04,027 --> 00:07:06,048
It gets me off when
women tell me that.
179
00:07:06,075 --> 00:07:08,448
He's reading this,
he wrote this down.
180
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:11,223
I sent these texts
to roughly 100 women
181
00:07:11,242 --> 00:07:13,310
under the following pseudonyms:
[Clears throat]
182
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,184
Enrique Shockwave,
183
00:07:15,534 --> 00:07:17,088
Willie Dynamite,
184
00:07:17,348 --> 00:07:19,508
Lee Harvey Teabag...
185
00:07:19,530 --> 00:07:22,009
Well, at least you won't have
to deal with that guy anymore.
186
00:07:22,035 --> 00:07:24,088
- Lieutenant Wilhelm Von Penis.
- You're right.
187
00:07:24,138 --> 00:07:26,511
Not after someone beats him
in the next election.
188
00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:28,483
Someone who is smart
and hard-working
189
00:07:28,499 --> 00:07:30,933
and who knows the job because
she's done it already
190
00:07:30,961 --> 00:07:34,037
and is also blond and named
Leslie and loves you.
191
00:07:34,823 --> 00:07:36,692
- Is it you?
- Yes! It is!
192
00:07:36,734 --> 00:07:38,047
I'm gonna run again.
193
00:07:38,068 --> 00:07:39,288
I'm gonna beat Dexhart!
194
00:07:39,304 --> 00:07:40,798
And Anthony Weiner.
195
00:07:41,525 --> 00:07:43,533
Another City Council campaign?
196
00:07:43,555 --> 00:07:44,982
Leslie, think about
what you're saying.
197
00:07:44,995 --> 00:07:47,661
I did. I challenge you to
find one flaw in my plan.
198
00:07:47,674 --> 00:07:50,116
Well, for one, we don't even
live in Dexhart's district.
199
00:07:50,125 --> 00:07:51,476
Not yet!
200
00:07:51,496 --> 00:07:53,470
But we can go and rent
a second apartment,
201
00:07:53,481 --> 00:07:55,468
and we can spend 51%
of our time there.
202
00:07:55,487 --> 00:07:58,189
And then I'll file the campaign
form from that address.
203
00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,743
I don't want to spend 51%
of our time in his district.
204
00:08:00,769 --> 00:08:03,658
It's basically a dumping ground
for old shipping containers.
205
00:08:03,671 --> 00:08:06,454
- It's like a raccoon shantytown.
- Oh, it's not that bad.
206
00:08:06,482 --> 00:08:08,653
And also, Dexhart fights dirty.
207
00:08:08,666 --> 00:08:12,634
He's never lost an election because he
runs brutal, scorched-earth campaigns.
208
00:08:12,654 --> 00:08:14,714
So what? I got plenty
of dirt on that scumbag.
209
00:08:14,733 --> 00:08:15,760
I say, "Bring it on."
210
00:08:15,785 --> 00:08:18,764
So I'm gonna start my negative
PR blitz against Dexhart and--
211
00:08:18,777 --> 00:08:21,839
Look, I just think we need
to take a deep breath...
212
00:08:22,489 --> 00:08:24,262
Think about
if this is really worth it.
213
00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:27,079
Anything is worth me getting
back on City Council.
214
00:08:28,452 --> 00:08:29,384
Okay.
[Claps once]
215
00:08:29,413 --> 00:08:33,136
Let's see which one of these lucky
visionaries is gonna make me rich.
216
00:08:33,363 --> 00:08:35,077
Greg Phillips!
217
00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:38,378
- Hi, guys, thanks for meeting with me.
- Enough chitchat. What's your pitch, kid?
218
00:08:38,404 --> 00:08:40,322
Come on, time is money,
money is power,
219
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:41,900
power is pizza,
pizza is knowledge.
220
00:08:41,933 --> 00:08:43,127
- Let's go.
- Okay.
221
00:08:43,159 --> 00:08:47,480
So my idea is for an abacus,
but on your phone.
222
00:08:47,609 --> 00:08:50,026
I call it a "phone-bacus."
223
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:52,866
Son, you just described
a calculator.
224
00:08:52,885 --> 00:08:55,181
Hey, but you're talking
about it, right?
225
00:08:55,377 --> 00:08:56,523
Three words:
226
00:08:56,551 --> 00:08:59,022
Automated word counter.
227
00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:00,107
Get out.
228
00:09:00,132 --> 00:09:01,872
[Robotic voice]
Two. Words.
229
00:09:01,892 --> 00:09:03,938
- No.
- One. Word.
230
00:09:03,986 --> 00:09:05,620
As you may know,
231
00:09:05,648 --> 00:09:08,001
I do like to tinker with
things in my garage.
232
00:09:08,030 --> 00:09:10,037
I'm gonna hit the
can while he's up.
233
00:09:10,068 --> 00:09:15,917
So I think I have discovered a way
to generate clean, renewable energy.
234
00:09:16,361 --> 00:09:17,801
I think it's gonna ch--
235
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,248
[sneezes]
236
00:09:19,288 --> 00:09:21,409
- Oh! Gross!
- God, Larry.
237
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,457
- You sneezed all over us!
- I'm not gonna buy that thing.
238
00:09:23,484 --> 00:09:25,357
It's covered in a gallon
of your boogers.
239
00:09:25,370 --> 00:09:26,938
I totally understand.
240
00:09:28,539 --> 00:09:30,129
[Sneezes]
241
00:09:30,952 --> 00:09:32,623
Uh, jeez.
242
00:09:33,179 --> 00:09:35,093
I will be thrilled
if we have a girl.
243
00:09:35,129 --> 00:09:37,362
Oh, tiny dresses?
244
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,995
Braids? Glitter on everything?
Forget it.
245
00:09:40,002 --> 00:09:41,817
And also, girls' names
are so cute.
246
00:09:41,837 --> 00:09:44,146
Daisy, Annabelle, Lilly.
247
00:09:44,169 --> 00:09:47,963
Olive, rosemary, chicken.
Fifty burritos.
248
00:09:47,976 --> 00:09:50,024
Oh, my God, I'm starving.
Miss, hi!
249
00:09:50,037 --> 00:09:52,100
I'm pregnant, and I'm
a little bit crazy.
250
00:09:52,119 --> 00:09:54,346
So if you don't bring our appetizers
out in the next 30 seconds,
251
00:09:54,373 --> 00:09:57,288
I'm gonna plunge your
face into the deep fryer!
252
00:09:57,995 --> 00:09:59,946
And also two waters, please.
But no hurry.
253
00:10:00,778 --> 00:10:02,045
Thank you.
254
00:10:02,138 --> 00:10:04,385
Leslie, I don't know if there's
a story in these emails.
255
00:10:04,427 --> 00:10:07,663
They're iffy, but Dexhart has
been elected eight times.
256
00:10:07,682 --> 00:10:09,283
I don't think the voters care.
257
00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:11,509
His poll numbers are actually up
since the scandal broke.
258
00:10:11,515 --> 00:10:14,468
Well, that's just because people found
out he was Miley Cyrus' cousin.
259
00:10:14,493 --> 00:10:16,146
- He is?
- Good morning, Leslie.
260
00:10:16,165 --> 00:10:17,634
"Sweet jugs."
261
00:10:20,602 --> 00:10:22,589
What? He's kinda cute.
262
00:10:22,598 --> 00:10:24,421
Oh, God, Shauna, no.
263
00:10:24,543 --> 00:10:26,939
I-I just feel like I
could fix him, you know?
264
00:10:27,111 --> 00:10:27,998
[Puffs]
265
00:10:28,598 --> 00:10:29,462
This sucks!
266
00:10:29,489 --> 00:10:31,699
We heard a hundred pitches,
and they're all terrible.
267
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:32,996
Change of plans.
268
00:10:33,009 --> 00:10:34,398
You guys are my idea factory.
269
00:10:34,417 --> 00:10:36,155
- April, go.
- Okay, got one.
270
00:10:36,181 --> 00:10:38,059
Macaroni and poison.
271
00:10:38,065 --> 00:10:40,655
It's like mac and cheese,
but with a special ingredient.
272
00:10:40,694 --> 00:10:45,015
- Ron? - Every socket set I've ever
bought only goes up to 1/2 inch.
273
00:10:45,021 --> 00:10:46,948
I'd love a couple larger sizes.
274
00:10:46,976 --> 00:10:49,004
Take it all the way up to 5/8.
275
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:50,529
Andy?
276
00:10:50,553 --> 00:10:53,924
Bears bouncing
on trampoline roads.
277
00:10:55,031 --> 00:10:57,624
There's a chance that I
might have dreamed that.
278
00:10:57,647 --> 00:10:59,867
Okay, time to head
back to the office.
279
00:10:59,903 --> 00:11:01,583
I've missed an
entire day of work,
280
00:11:01,602 --> 00:11:04,693
so at least some
good came from this.
281
00:11:05,738 --> 00:11:06,985
What are you doing?
282
00:11:07,012 --> 00:11:08,368
Well, they couldn't
make a banner in time
283
00:11:08,388 --> 00:11:11,559
for my press conference,
so I am cobbling together
284
00:11:11,573 --> 00:11:13,933
a banner from all the
other discarded banners.
285
00:11:13,949 --> 00:11:17,536
"Second chunce four Lesle!
286
00:11:17,566 --> 00:11:20,882
"Perv Dexxxhrt equals...
287
00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:23,336
- birthday mouse"?
- Rat!
288
00:11:23,606 --> 00:11:25,253
Well, that's the closest
thing I could get to a rat.
289
00:11:25,272 --> 00:11:25,964
[Scoffs]
290
00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,316
Leslie, listen to yourself.
291
00:11:27,336 --> 00:11:30,896
Loopholes, scorched-earth policies.
This isn't you.
292
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:33,344
I cannot believe you aren't
supporting me on this!
293
00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:36,425
Dexhart has a sex scandal
the same day I'm leaving office?
294
00:11:36,452 --> 00:11:38,072
That is not a coincidence.
295
00:11:38,103 --> 00:11:40,103
- This was meant to be.
- You know what?
296
00:11:40,114 --> 00:11:41,931
Why don't we gather
everyone in here,
297
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,887
you explain to them
what you're thinking,
298
00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:45,453
and, uh, we get some feedback.
299
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:46,807
[Snaps] Now you're talking.
300
00:11:47,546 --> 00:11:49,521
I would be thrilled
if we had a boy.
301
00:11:49,545 --> 00:11:52,287
I have perfected the art
of shaving the human face.
302
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:54,153
And I would love to be able
to pass that on.
303
00:11:54,176 --> 00:11:56,477
Toy trucks?
Superhero costumes?
304
00:11:56,510 --> 00:11:58,875
Tiny little acorn penis?
Forget it.
305
00:11:59,068 --> 00:11:59,895
A weird image.
306
00:11:59,913 --> 00:12:02,114
But one that does not
diminish my enthusiasm.
307
00:12:02,148 --> 00:12:05,834
Well, Ann Perkins, are you ready
to find out the sex of our baby?
308
00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:06,701
[Clink]
309
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:07,646
I'm ready.
310
00:12:07,671 --> 00:12:09,868
We are having a...
311
00:12:10,386 --> 00:12:11,889
"distributions."
312
00:12:12,497 --> 00:12:15,020
- That's what it looks like: Distributions.
- Let me see that.
313
00:12:15,571 --> 00:12:17,831
It says "congratulations,"
I think.
314
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:18,990
Then it says,
315
00:12:19,010 --> 00:12:20,770
"I... leg smurf."
316
00:12:20,803 --> 00:12:22,035
Are we having a smurf?
317
00:12:22,058 --> 00:12:25,458
We are having a...
"11-jewel toilet."
318
00:12:25,485 --> 00:12:27,754
I can't tell what's words
and what's punctuation!
319
00:12:27,787 --> 00:12:30,067
- The suspense is killing me!
- I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.
320
00:12:30,099 --> 00:12:31,705
I'm calling Domino's.
321
00:12:31,731 --> 00:12:33,284
Do you think Domino's
delivers to this restaurant?
322
00:12:33,297 --> 00:12:34,851
- I hope so.
- Oh, no.
323
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:36,383
He's out for the
rest of the day!
324
00:12:36,417 --> 00:12:40,197
I have literally never
been more stressed out.
325
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:42,738
Oh, good! You guys are here!
Okay, everybody gather around.
326
00:12:42,776 --> 00:12:43,849
I have a big announcement.
327
00:12:43,878 --> 00:12:46,238
I am officially
seeking reelection
328
00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:47,798
to the Pawnee City Council.
329
00:12:47,838 --> 00:12:49,784
I am gonna be running
for Dexhart's seat.
330
00:12:49,807 --> 00:12:52,563
And the campaign starts now.
331
00:12:54,033 --> 00:12:58,407
Oh, I love the sound of
silence before a big cheer.
332
00:12:58,431 --> 00:13:00,058
That's what's happening, right?
333
00:13:00,077 --> 00:13:01,484
Leslie, no offense.
334
00:13:01,503 --> 00:13:03,427
I've heard a lot
of bad ideas today.
335
00:13:03,468 --> 00:13:05,141
- This is the worst.
- April?
336
00:13:05,174 --> 00:13:07,690
I would love it if you ran
an insane campaign
337
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,910
and basically turned
into the joker.
338
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:11,926
But that means you probably
shouldn't do it.
339
00:13:11,951 --> 00:13:14,404
- Andy? - I don't know,
Leslie. It seems risky.
340
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,827
And I'd hate to see you go
through another tough fight.
341
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,187
But I could be wrong. I
haven't pooped in three days.
342
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,027
Okay, Ron, you have always
given me sage counsel.
343
00:13:22,054 --> 00:13:24,438
And your words
carry great influence so...
344
00:13:24,649 --> 00:13:27,151
- what do you think I should do?
- I do not think you should run again.
345
00:13:27,177 --> 00:13:28,624
What the hell do you know,
Dum-Dum?
346
00:13:28,643 --> 00:13:30,849
All of you! Look,
this is my only option.
347
00:13:30,864 --> 00:13:32,730
I am running again
with or without you.
348
00:13:32,762 --> 00:13:35,146
Leslie, you're running
for office again?
349
00:13:35,287 --> 00:13:37,880
What a great idea!
How can I help?
350
00:13:38,157 --> 00:13:39,389
Ugh...
351
00:13:40,885 --> 00:13:43,284
Well, no one else brought
me good business ideas.
352
00:13:43,317 --> 00:13:45,301
So I decided to take
care of it myself.
353
00:13:46,637 --> 00:13:47,786
Talking tissue!
354
00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:50,685
Any time you pull one out, you get
a little message to hype you up.
355
00:13:50,717 --> 00:13:52,388
[Tom's voice]
Blow that nose, playah!
356
00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:55,044
- No.
- [Sighs] This stinks.
357
00:13:55,724 --> 00:13:58,517
I'm just gonna have to go back to
my same job that I've had forever.
358
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,160
Yeah, I get why
you're bummed out.
359
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:01,400
I mean, look at me.
360
00:14:01,436 --> 00:14:03,998
I'm younger than you, and I
already have my own department.
361
00:14:04,033 --> 00:14:06,541
Plus I'm married, and I
make more money than you.
362
00:14:06,582 --> 00:14:09,369
Whatever. You just merged your department
with parks then made up your own title.
363
00:14:09,401 --> 00:14:10,517
[Snickering] Yeah.
364
00:14:10,528 --> 00:14:11,978
It's awesome.
365
00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:14,556
[Tom's voice] I'm empty, yo.
Fill me up.
366
00:14:17,238 --> 00:14:18,706
Do that again.
367
00:14:19,586 --> 00:14:21,221
[Knock on door]
368
00:14:21,875 --> 00:14:24,315
What could you possibly need
at 6:00 in the morning?
369
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:27,200
We couldn't read your writing, and
we need to know the sex of our baby.
370
00:14:27,211 --> 00:14:29,704
I'm watching cartoons
with my son.
371
00:14:29,881 --> 00:14:30,848
Daddy!
372
00:14:30,868 --> 00:14:32,436
An Elmer Fudd one is on!
373
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:34,184
Stop it. Hey, what's
up, beautiful?
374
00:14:34,204 --> 00:14:36,177
Jean-Ralphio.
I live in the guesthouse.
375
00:14:36,197 --> 00:14:39,044
What do you say you and I get
together in a special way?
376
00:14:39,066 --> 00:14:39,973
I-I'm pregnant.
377
00:14:39,991 --> 00:14:41,723
- The more the merrier.
- With my baby.
378
00:14:41,768 --> 00:14:43,463
Well, you can come too,
beautiful.
379
00:14:43,494 --> 00:14:46,249
Look at that. I guess sometimes
I call men "beautiful" too.
380
00:14:46,256 --> 00:14:50,032
I guess I'm [Singing]
open-minded as hell.
381
00:14:50,064 --> 00:14:52,052
And I think you're
pretty good-looking.
382
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,320
- Thank you.
- Can you just read that
383
00:14:53,354 --> 00:14:55,067
and tell us what the
sex is, please?
384
00:14:55,109 --> 00:14:56,196
Wow.
385
00:14:56,234 --> 00:14:59,214
It looks like the chicken that wrote
this had a stroke on the paper.
386
00:14:59,234 --> 00:15:00,087
[Laughter]
387
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,116
Listen, I-I kind of remember.
388
00:15:02,129 --> 00:15:04,306
But I don't want to say
anything that's wrong.
389
00:15:04,387 --> 00:15:06,556
Give me 15 minutes.
I will get dressed.
390
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,490
We'll go down
to my office. Okay.
391
00:15:08,518 --> 00:15:10,453
Well, have a good day
at work today, daddy.
392
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:14,009
Also, if you don't know already,
there's a malfunction with the TV,
393
00:15:14,027 --> 00:15:16,557
where it keeps ordering
porno, like, a ton of porno.
394
00:15:16,593 --> 00:15:19,375
Like, how can someone watch
that much porno in one sitting?
395
00:15:19,395 --> 00:15:20,473
Only when you're
out of the house.
396
00:15:20,492 --> 00:15:22,906
So if you see it on the bill,
that's why. Okay?
397
00:15:23,102 --> 00:15:25,555
"And therefore, with your help,
398
00:15:25,741 --> 00:15:27,454
we can make our future bright.
399
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:31,115
I believe I still have
a lot to offer this city."
400
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,124
I'd swap those two lines.
401
00:15:33,162 --> 00:15:35,647
Always helps to end on
the call to action.
402
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,629
I'm sorry if it felt like
everyone piled on.
403
00:15:38,658 --> 00:15:40,525
We were just being honest.
404
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:43,677
But if you really want to do this,
of course we'll support you.
405
00:15:44,119 --> 00:15:46,159
Thank you. I'm sorry
I stormed out.
406
00:15:46,372 --> 00:15:48,389
You know, I've been thinking
for weeks of what to get you
407
00:15:48,409 --> 00:15:50,529
as a "last day in City Council"
present.
408
00:15:50,657 --> 00:15:52,297
And I finally figured it out.
409
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:55,312
You remember Jen Barkley, political
consultant and power broker?
410
00:15:55,338 --> 00:15:57,613
Hey! Jen! What brings
you back to Pawnee?
411
00:15:57,633 --> 00:16:00,433
Ben bought one hour of my time. I
heard you need some consulting?
412
00:16:00,466 --> 00:16:02,600
Well, uh, I guess.
413
00:16:02,620 --> 00:16:06,288
- I mean, how are you? How's your family?
- Okay, I get paid $1,200 an hour.
414
00:16:06,294 --> 00:16:08,151
Do you really wanna
spend any of that time
415
00:16:08,178 --> 00:16:11,158
talking about my mother and her
19-year-old Korean husband?
416
00:16:11,792 --> 00:16:13,845
Well, that does sound fascinating.
But you're right, let's talk.
417
00:16:13,858 --> 00:16:16,241
Okay. I'll get the chair.
[Laughs]
418
00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:20,170
[Prolonged] Ron!
419
00:16:20,189 --> 00:16:21,823
That's how I enter rooms now.
It's more dramatic.
420
00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:23,348
Why did you enter at all?
421
00:16:23,370 --> 00:16:25,297
Because I have some huge news.
422
00:16:25,350 --> 00:16:29,602
You're looking at Pawnee's
new business liaison.
423
00:16:29,619 --> 00:16:31,213
I don't like French words.
424
00:16:31,226 --> 00:16:33,813
I do like the word "business."
You may continue.
425
00:16:33,843 --> 00:16:36,566
April created a new position for
herself, and I wanna do the same.
426
00:16:36,594 --> 00:16:39,001
The town could use more private-sector
money after the merger.
427
00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:42,731
So as business liaison, I would find
companies looking to move or expand,
428
00:16:42,758 --> 00:16:44,856
and convince them
to do it in Pawnee.
429
00:16:44,884 --> 00:16:46,884
Now this is a good idea.
430
00:16:47,155 --> 00:16:48,783
You've come a long way, son.
431
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,348
And while I got you here...
432
00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:53,385
talking tissue. Go for it.
433
00:16:54,190 --> 00:16:56,690
[Tom's voice] Yo, dog! Life
is what you make of it.
434
00:16:57,770 --> 00:17:00,361
Leave while I'm ahead?
You got it.
435
00:17:02,251 --> 00:17:04,105
Clear them sinuses, playboy!
436
00:17:04,258 --> 00:17:05,386
Someone's got the sniffies.
437
00:17:05,405 --> 00:17:06,731
Tell your mama you love 'er.
438
00:17:06,751 --> 00:17:08,452
Step up your vitamin
"C" game, bro!
439
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:10,270
So they recall me after
all I've done for them.
440
00:17:10,285 --> 00:17:11,058
Ridiculous.
441
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,551
- But Dexhart now has another
sex scandal. - Of course he does.
442
00:17:13,572 --> 00:17:15,652
And the plan is I'm
gonna run for his seat.
443
00:17:15,676 --> 00:17:18,276
Because how do I lose
to a guy like that?
444
00:17:18,302 --> 00:17:20,002
- That's a great idea, right?
- It's a terrible idea.
445
00:17:20,017 --> 00:17:21,237
I knew it. Wait. What?
446
00:17:21,265 --> 00:17:23,286
First of all, you could
lose to a guy like that.
447
00:17:23,444 --> 00:17:25,704
Terrible people defeat great
people all of the time.
448
00:17:25,724 --> 00:17:28,065
I should know. Those terrible
people have paid me so much money,
449
00:17:28,078 --> 00:17:29,845
I have a condo
in every virgin island.
450
00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:31,354
Now you might win.
451
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,573
You're smart, Ben is
smart, you might win.
452
00:17:33,675 --> 00:17:35,088
But why would you want to?
453
00:17:35,108 --> 00:17:36,955
Because it's my dream job.
454
00:17:36,970 --> 00:17:38,521
Then dream bigger.
455
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:41,575
Look, you love this town. It's
being run by monsters and morons?
456
00:17:41,595 --> 00:17:43,012
Get a better job!
457
00:17:43,199 --> 00:17:46,082
Rise above their heads. Affect
change at a higher level.
458
00:17:46,127 --> 00:17:47,654
Don't be the kid that
graduates high school,
459
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,319
hangs out in the
school parking lot.
460
00:17:49,332 --> 00:17:51,097
Be the woman who moves away,
461
00:17:51,116 --> 00:17:53,390
climbs the ladder, and then
confidently comes back
462
00:17:53,403 --> 00:17:56,194
and has sex with her hot old
English teacher just for kicks.
463
00:17:56,296 --> 00:17:58,783
- Is that what you did?
- Yeah. Mr. Baker.
464
00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:00,535
Sex was pretty good,
thanks to me.
465
00:18:00,582 --> 00:18:02,816
Look, Pawnee has
done you a favor.
466
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,386
You've outgrown them.
467
00:18:04,620 --> 00:18:06,767
You've got talent, and
you've got name recognition.
468
00:18:06,787 --> 00:18:11,329
Which means that you have a bright,
wide-open future with a thousand options.
469
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,174
State Senate.
470
00:18:13,203 --> 00:18:14,563
Federal jobs.
471
00:18:14,691 --> 00:18:16,259
Even congress.
472
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:18,526
All of these are doable for you.
473
00:18:18,708 --> 00:18:20,607
And you can trust me...
474
00:18:22,907 --> 00:18:26,459
because I don't care
enough about you to lie.
475
00:18:27,122 --> 00:18:28,076
[Ringtone plays]
476
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,671
Uh-oh. Oh, time's up.
477
00:18:29,684 --> 00:18:31,470
Okay, if you want
to keep talking,
478
00:18:31,489 --> 00:18:33,429
you're gonna have to pay
me 1,200 more dollars.
479
00:18:33,455 --> 00:18:34,810
- I just need--
- No, I swear to God,
480
00:18:34,829 --> 00:18:37,668
if you say one more word, you
will legally owe me $1,200,
481
00:18:37,688 --> 00:18:40,056
and I will sue you.
Let's not end it like that.
482
00:18:40,073 --> 00:18:42,800
Okay, great to see you, Leslie.
Those five words are on me.
483
00:18:42,986 --> 00:18:45,205
Should I move this back?
Don't answer it!
484
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:48,046
I don't know what
you're thinking, but
485
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:50,589
you have a press
conference in ten minutes.
486
00:18:52,929 --> 00:18:54,495
Well, this is it...
487
00:18:54,519 --> 00:18:56,016
The final moment..
488
00:18:56,679 --> 00:18:58,171
What are you hoping for?
489
00:18:58,369 --> 00:19:01,041
I will honestly be
happy either way.
490
00:19:01,129 --> 00:19:02,089
Me too.
491
00:19:02,116 --> 00:19:03,710
Boy or girl,
492
00:19:03,738 --> 00:19:05,038
it doesn't matter.
493
00:19:05,072 --> 00:19:07,185
Because it will literally be
494
00:19:07,215 --> 00:19:09,502
the greatest child
who's ever lived.
495
00:19:09,854 --> 00:19:12,105
You swear you have
no preference?
496
00:19:12,141 --> 00:19:13,158
You?
497
00:19:13,531 --> 00:19:14,797
Not at all.
498
00:19:15,451 --> 00:19:17,148
Who's ready? Raise your hand.
499
00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:19,507
- It's a boy!
- Both: Yes!
500
00:19:19,535 --> 00:19:21,071
I thought you didn't
have a preference.
501
00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:23,033
I didn't. I just really
wanted it to be a boy.
502
00:19:23,059 --> 00:19:24,240
Me too.
503
00:19:24,253 --> 00:19:25,520
I don't know why.
504
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,238
You guys are just so neat.
505
00:19:27,459 --> 00:19:29,716
Would you be interested
in adopting my children?
506
00:19:29,729 --> 00:19:32,090
They're in their late 20s,
they're terrible.
507
00:19:32,108 --> 00:19:33,348
No? No go?
508
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:34,308
[Chuckles]
509
00:19:34,333 --> 00:19:36,230
I ask all my patients.
510
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:40,216
I've gathered you all here today
because I have an announcement,
511
00:19:40,242 --> 00:19:42,962
a very big announcement,
about my future.
512
00:19:45,415 --> 00:19:47,806
I will be heading to lunch today
513
00:19:47,831 --> 00:19:49,471
with my husband.
514
00:19:49,672 --> 00:19:50,951
At JJ's diner.
515
00:19:50,977 --> 00:19:52,524
We will eat waffles.
516
00:19:52,543 --> 00:19:55,350
And then we will go home
and make out on our couch.
517
00:19:55,607 --> 00:19:57,107
That is my future.
518
00:19:57,434 --> 00:19:58,776
For now.
519
00:20:00,882 --> 00:20:03,096
It's been an honor
to serve this town.
520
00:20:04,872 --> 00:20:07,372
And I will cherish the
memories forever.
521
00:20:08,639 --> 00:20:09,546
Thank you.
522
00:20:09,566 --> 00:20:11,212
- Ms. Knope!
- There you have it.
523
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,520
A shockingly unshocking
press conference
524
00:20:13,533 --> 00:20:17,513
in which a recently unemployed
woman said nothing of importance.
525
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:21,711
I'm Perd Hapley, and I just realized
I'm not holding my microphone.
526
00:20:22,111 --> 00:20:24,503
Jen Barkley telling
me I had a future was
527
00:20:24,535 --> 00:20:27,010
the best present I could
have got. Thank you.
528
00:20:27,039 --> 00:20:27,926
You're welcome.
529
00:20:27,951 --> 00:20:31,099
But, I did get you one other present
to take your mind off all this.
530
00:20:31,118 --> 00:20:33,656
Aww, you are the sweetest
man in the world. Where is it?
531
00:20:33,689 --> 00:20:36,256
Well, it's not here.
532
00:20:36,308 --> 00:20:37,925
We have to go get it.
533
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:51,663
In times of stress or in
moments of transition,
534
00:20:51,689 --> 00:20:55,035
sometimes it can feel like the
whole world is closing in on you.
535
00:20:55,330 --> 00:20:59,527
When that happens, you should close
your eyes, take a deep breath,
536
00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:02,504
listen to the people that love you
when they're giving advice,
537
00:21:02,725 --> 00:21:04,826
and remember what really matters.
538
00:21:04,924 --> 00:21:08,365
And, if you have the ability
to go to Paris, by all means,
539
00:21:08,402 --> 00:21:09,442
go to Paris!
540
00:21:09,459 --> 00:21:11,219
- I found one!
- Oh, great!
541
00:21:11,249 --> 00:21:13,340
- Mm, right here.
- Yeah?
542
00:21:24,235 --> 00:21:31,235
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