1
00:00:04,443 --> 00:00:07,522
As you all know, we have been pursuing
famed designer, Jonathan Peterson
2
00:00:07,557 --> 00:00:09,524
to represent his new line
of ceramic housewares,
3
00:00:09,559 --> 00:00:11,848
and I would like to announce
that we have succeeded.
4
00:00:11,849 --> 00:00:13,082
All: Yay!
5
00:00:13,083 --> 00:00:15,732
But I can't,
because you have all failed.
6
00:00:16,310 --> 00:00:17,764
Sean, explain.
7
00:00:18,011 --> 00:00:22,381
I called his studio four times
and left messages. Liz, explain.
8
00:00:22,907 --> 00:00:26,326
He never called back, so we drove
down there. Hunter, explain.
9
00:00:26,959 --> 00:00:29,997
Nobody would let us in, which is
when I said we should just give up,
10
00:00:29,998 --> 00:00:32,121
but nobody listened.
Sean, explain.
11
00:00:33,515 --> 00:00:36,330
What happened next wasn't technically
"breaking and entering,"
12
00:00:36,331 --> 00:00:41,079
but we did accidentally "break a door"
and then "enter."
13
00:00:43,295 --> 00:00:45,631
Then a security guard
chased us to our car.
14
00:00:45,665 --> 00:00:47,816
I knocked over a trash can
to slow him down,
15
00:00:47,850 --> 00:00:51,362
'cause apparently I'm the only one
who's ever seen an action movie.
16
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:55,402
Then Sean drove away
like a bat out of hell
17
00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:57,849
until he realized Liz and I
were not yet in the car.
18
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:02,760
The point is, we made contact,
and the ball's in his court.
19
00:01:02,761 --> 00:01:04,910
I have an idea
how we can get to Peterson.
20
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,618
You all could do your jobs.
21
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:10,555
I deserved that.
22
00:01:12,511 --> 00:01:14,722
Hello.
I'm here for lunch.
23
00:01:14,723 --> 00:01:16,357
Oh, what long faces.
24
00:01:16,391 --> 00:01:18,259
Who wants a butterscotch?
25
00:01:18,293 --> 00:01:20,561
Ooh, I do.
26
00:01:20,595 --> 00:01:22,963
Mom, you're a little early.
We're in the middle of a meeting.
27
00:01:22,964 --> 00:01:24,835
No, we're done.
[Snaps]
28
00:01:25,467 --> 00:01:28,246
Do you have anything in there
to mask the stink of failure?
29
00:01:28,537 --> 00:01:29,729
Yes, I do.
30
00:01:29,730 --> 00:01:31,912
[Spritzing]
31
00:01:33,131 --> 00:01:34,527
My God,
look at that inventory.
32
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:37,718
Oh, I also have something in here for
people with distracting coffee breath.
33
00:01:37,719 --> 00:01:40,341
Liz, have you ever
eaten a mint?
34
00:01:41,303 --> 00:01:44,953
Well, not all of us can put
our teeth in the dishwasher.
35
00:01:46,748 --> 00:01:49,512
And a rare win for Liz.
36
00:01:50,362 --> 00:01:51,748
I need to eat light
at lunch.
37
00:01:51,749 --> 00:01:53,533
Going to an early dinner
with Bernard tonight
38
00:01:53,551 --> 00:01:55,468
and I don't want to be bloated,
know what I'm saying?
39
00:01:55,503 --> 00:01:56,636
[Clicks tongue]
40
00:01:56,670 --> 00:01:57,870
Mom.
41
00:01:57,888 --> 00:02:00,373
I'm gonna clear all the bases
tonight, know what I'm saying?
42
00:02:00,408 --> 00:02:01,730
[Clicks tongue]
43
00:02:02,617 --> 00:02:05,750
Why don't you just make a circle
and poke your finger through it?
44
00:02:06,220 --> 00:02:07,664
Don't be vulgar.
45
00:02:09,574 --> 00:02:11,775
Look what's coming my way.
46
00:02:11,794 --> 00:02:14,976
God, mom, your fiber shakes
bringing all the boys to the yard.
47
00:02:15,931 --> 00:02:17,680
- Daddy!
- Max.
48
00:02:18,875 --> 00:02:21,071
You are one fine mixed drink,
49
00:02:21,105 --> 00:02:24,692
and I'd like to be the swizzle
stick that stirs you up.
50
00:02:25,672 --> 00:02:30,009
- Mom, you remember Lee?
- Yes, I do. We went to dinner that time.
51
00:02:30,043 --> 00:02:32,661
I didn't eat
and I still got sick.
52
00:02:32,696 --> 00:02:34,794
Father is in town on business.
53
00:02:34,939 --> 00:02:36,890
And maybe while you're here,
you can take me canoeing,
54
00:02:36,941 --> 00:02:39,107
like you did in that story
I once wrote.
55
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:43,030
I'm trying to close a few deals,
and I'm hoping you'll be one of them.
56
00:02:43,081 --> 00:02:45,649
Everything on my body
is closed to you.
57
00:02:45,684 --> 00:02:49,215
We're going to lunch.
Max, good to see you.
58
00:02:49,216 --> 00:02:52,468
Lee, here's hoping a chunk of
cholesterol breaks loose in your neck.
59
00:02:52,486 --> 00:02:54,379
See you later.
60
00:02:55,344 --> 00:02:57,428
Your mom's a classy lady.
61
00:02:57,658 --> 00:03:01,333
- I think so.
- I'd like her to choke me with my tie.
62
00:03:02,471 --> 00:03:05,973
You realize you and I
barely know each other, right?
63
00:03:06,008 --> 00:03:08,042
Do you and Lorna like hockey?
64
00:03:08,076 --> 00:03:09,010
No.
65
00:03:09,044 --> 00:03:11,879
Oh, but we once did go
to Smucker's Stars on Ice.
66
00:03:11,914 --> 00:03:14,098
I play golf
with Joe Smuckers.
67
00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:19,170
I can get you backstage passes, maybe
a photo op with Kristi Yamaguchi.
68
00:03:19,204 --> 00:03:22,346
- Are you serious?
- The 'Guch owes me a favor.
69
00:03:25,899 --> 00:03:28,683
That almost makes up for
that disturbing choking comment.
70
00:03:28,718 --> 00:03:30,452
Your dad knows a lot of people.
71
00:03:30,503 --> 00:03:33,805
Yes, he even knows Jonathan Peterson,
who you failed to reach.
72
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:37,089
What? Then why didn't you ask him
to call Peterson for us?
73
00:03:37,090 --> 00:03:38,855
We were chased off
the guy's property.
74
00:03:38,857 --> 00:03:41,475
A winded security guard
threw up on my car.
75
00:03:41,476 --> 00:03:44,829
Because father wants me to make it
on my own. He will not help me.
76
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:50,456
But he might help you, just to show
your mother what a big man he is.
77
00:03:51,461 --> 00:03:52,428
Okay.
78
00:03:52,462 --> 00:03:53,880
Okay, okay, how about this?
79
00:03:53,881 --> 00:03:56,539
Why don't you two accidentally
bump into us at lunch?
80
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,734
I'll mention I've been trying
to get a meeting with Peterson.
81
00:03:58,752 --> 00:04:01,295
Then your dad can impress my mom
by making it happen.
82
00:04:01,296 --> 00:04:02,546
That's a fantastic idea.
83
00:04:02,597 --> 00:04:04,163
[Gasps]
84
00:04:04,164 --> 00:04:05,616
Still my fault.
85
00:04:05,650 --> 00:04:07,554
No, no, Jerry.
This time I'm happy.
86
00:04:07,555 --> 00:04:08,722
Oh.
87
00:04:09,677 --> 00:04:11,238
I'm so hungry.
88
00:04:12,195 --> 00:04:14,973
Season 1, Episode 11
"Trapped in the Closet (Part 2)"
89
00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:18,130
Synced by Reef
www.addic7ed.com
90
00:04:19,018 --> 00:04:22,241
Let's see, what's less filling -
soup or salad?
91
00:04:22,242 --> 00:04:24,697
Don't you dare click at me
again.
92
00:04:26,706 --> 00:04:30,426
Oh, my God, look who's here.
It's Max and Lee.
93
00:04:30,706 --> 00:04:34,935
- What a coincidence.
- Like hell it is. What's going on?
94
00:04:35,289 --> 00:04:37,775
Okay, here's the deal.
We need a favor from Lee,
95
00:04:37,776 --> 00:04:40,421
and the only way he'll do it
is if he thinks it'll impress you.
96
00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:43,297
Play along and I'll take you to
that Cirque du Soleil knockoff.
97
00:04:43,331 --> 00:04:48,768
Oh, I love that one 'cause the girls are
a little fat, so it looks more honest.
98
00:04:49,783 --> 00:04:53,390
All right, fine. You're my son.
I'll help you with your charade.
99
00:04:53,391 --> 00:04:55,839
Good, and be nice.
A little flirty wouldn't hurt either.
100
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:56,973
[Clicks tongue]
101
00:04:58,348 --> 00:05:00,449
Oh, wow, look who is here.
102
00:05:00,484 --> 00:05:02,468
Hey, son,
I'm getting the weather report.
103
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,840
It's chilly today
and hot tamale.
104
00:05:06,454 --> 00:05:07,825
You still haven't got it.
105
00:05:07,843 --> 00:05:08,959
(Thunk) Ow.
106
00:05:08,977 --> 00:05:11,271
Big boy...
107
00:05:12,037 --> 00:05:13,837
Would you two
like to join us?
108
00:05:13,872 --> 00:05:16,704
Spontaneity? Are you kidding?
We would love to.
109
00:05:18,493 --> 00:05:21,962
Well, I hate to bring up business at what
is obviously a freak social encounter,
110
00:05:21,963 --> 00:05:24,777
but, Sean, any progress
getting to Jonathan Peterson?
111
00:05:24,811 --> 00:05:29,699
Not really. He's impossible to reach.
He's so above my station in life.
112
00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:32,118
You know,
I love all of his products,
113
00:05:32,152 --> 00:05:35,521
and I would be so impressed
if anyone knew him.
114
00:05:35,718 --> 00:05:37,577
I'm assuming...?
115
00:05:38,494 --> 00:05:41,663
Lee, you're grinning like
the guy on the pringles can.
116
00:05:41,697 --> 00:05:43,632
- Do you know him?
- Charlie Pringles...?
117
00:05:43,666 --> 00:05:45,083
Yeah, we play handball.
118
00:05:45,134 --> 00:05:48,637
- No, Peterson, you big silly.
- I'm kidding.
119
00:05:48,671 --> 00:05:51,839
Yeah, I know Peterson.
Gay guy, likes colors.
120
00:05:51,857 --> 00:05:55,026
Would you be impressed
if I had his number in this baby?
121
00:05:55,061 --> 00:05:58,063
Well, dial it
and let's find out.
122
00:06:04,762 --> 00:06:06,540
Oh, hey, Ellie. I think
your dad's at lunch.
123
00:06:06,541 --> 00:06:08,541
- Good, I'm here to see you.
- Ooh, exciting.
124
00:06:10,284 --> 00:06:12,802
I need some advice,
and I can't talk to my dad about it.
125
00:06:12,853 --> 00:06:15,970
Oh, I've been waiting for this moment.
My little Ellie is...
126
00:06:15,971 --> 00:06:17,883
Don't get gooey on me.
I need you sharp.
127
00:06:18,085 --> 00:06:19,453
Copy that.
128
00:06:19,853 --> 00:06:22,077
So I got invited
to this party,
129
00:06:22,078 --> 00:06:25,559
but there won't be any parents home
and there are gonna be make-out games.
130
00:06:25,590 --> 00:06:27,891
Jake's gonna be there,
who I kind of want to kiss,
131
00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:30,636
but there are also gonna be some boys
there that I don't want to kiss,
132
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:34,498
like Nick, who never doesn't have
cheetos caught in his braces.
133
00:06:34,499 --> 00:06:37,224
I don't want my dad to find out
'cause he'll just say I can't go.
134
00:06:37,225 --> 00:06:39,858
- So what do I do?
- Oh, don't worry, honey.
135
00:06:39,859 --> 00:06:41,170
I know exactly what to do.
136
00:06:41,241 --> 00:06:43,108
I have no idea what to do.
137
00:06:43,206 --> 00:06:44,956
I don't know why
she came to me.
138
00:06:44,957 --> 00:06:47,548
She likes you. You're like
a role model. God help her.
139
00:06:49,613 --> 00:06:51,530
It's a lot of responsibility.
140
00:06:51,564 --> 00:06:54,095
I didn't know what to say,
so I told her I'd get back to her.
141
00:06:54,096 --> 00:06:57,974
And to stay in school, because nobody can
get mad at you for saying that to a kid.
142
00:06:58,423 --> 00:07:02,519
- What do you think?
- I feel that staying in school is key.
143
00:07:03,111 --> 00:07:04,945
Ellie's never come to me
for advice before,
144
00:07:04,979 --> 00:07:07,470
and if I screw this up,
she never will again.
145
00:07:07,471 --> 00:07:11,726
- Come on, we can do this.
- I really feel like we can't.
146
00:07:14,316 --> 00:07:17,801
We were so poor, I walked
through ten miles of snow
147
00:07:17,836 --> 00:07:20,676
just to bring my grandmother
a Christmas ham.
148
00:07:20,677 --> 00:07:23,503
We had to tie our shoes
with packing string
149
00:07:23,504 --> 00:07:25,855
because real laces
were too expensive.
150
00:07:26,026 --> 00:07:29,539
So you guys grew up with
The Little Rascals, or something?
151
00:07:30,904 --> 00:07:33,725
- Children. They don't understand.
- No.
152
00:07:33,726 --> 00:07:36,093
I once waited two weeks
for an iPhone.
153
00:07:36,972 --> 00:07:38,637
Well, time to go
make some money.
154
00:07:38,671 --> 00:07:42,563
I'll call Peterson this afternoon.
And you have been a delight.
155
00:07:42,564 --> 00:07:44,664
And so have you.
156
00:07:46,329 --> 00:07:47,879
Come on, son,
I'll give you a ride.
157
00:07:47,914 --> 00:07:50,382
Yes, I'm going
to make money as well, father.
158
00:07:52,568 --> 00:07:54,121
Well done, mom.
159
00:07:54,172 --> 00:07:57,807
If I didn't know better, I'd think
you weren't totally disgusted by Lee.
160
00:07:57,825 --> 00:08:00,016
I'm not disgusted by Lee.
161
00:08:00,507 --> 00:08:02,178
Yes, you are.
162
00:08:02,526 --> 00:08:05,761
That man came from nothing
and made something of his life.
163
00:08:05,795 --> 00:08:06,946
That's admirable.
164
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,778
Mom, he's a pervert,
not Abraham Lincoln.
165
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:12,433
He wants you to choke him
with his tie.
166
00:08:12,511 --> 00:08:15,108
Well, I'm not too old
to learn new things.
167
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,399
Oh, my God,
what is happening right now?
168
00:08:18,417 --> 00:08:20,000
You can't be interested in him.
169
00:08:20,018 --> 00:08:23,112
I'm not interested,
but I'm not not interested.
170
00:08:23,113 --> 00:08:25,214
What happened to Bernard?
Remember Bernard?
171
00:08:25,215 --> 00:08:26,165
[Clicking tongue]
172
00:08:26,166 --> 00:08:27,266
Bernard?
173
00:08:27,267 --> 00:08:30,232
Bernard is fine, but compared
to Lee, he's a little dull.
174
00:08:30,283 --> 00:08:32,673
Plus, he always looks
like he's chewing something.
175
00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:35,601
I forbid you to go out
with Lee.
176
00:08:35,652 --> 00:08:38,166
It's gonna make things weird
with Max and me.
177
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:40,886
And Lee's a barbarian, I don't want
you to be with a guy like that.
178
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,220
Relax, dear.
179
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,122
I'm gonna still see
Bernard later,
180
00:08:44,173 --> 00:08:46,558
but now he's got a little
competition, that's all.
181
00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:49,228
- So let's get some dessert.
- Dessert...?
182
00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:51,842
What happened to feeling bloated
and not sexy tonight?
183
00:08:51,843 --> 00:08:54,076
Eh, it's just Bernard.
184
00:08:59,403 --> 00:09:00,870
Ugh, I did not sleep well.
185
00:09:00,904 --> 00:09:04,251
I was worried all night my mom
wasn't having sex with Bernard.
186
00:09:04,775 --> 00:09:08,912
I didn't sleep well either, because
I'm trying to keep something from you.
187
00:09:09,913 --> 00:09:13,383
I slept like a baby,
if anybody's wondering.
188
00:09:13,609 --> 00:09:15,278
So what's going on?
189
00:09:15,279 --> 00:09:16,213
[Sighs]
190
00:09:16,214 --> 00:09:18,665
Ellie isn't sure if she wants
to go to a make-out party,
191
00:09:18,666 --> 00:09:20,050
so she came to me for advice.
192
00:09:20,109 --> 00:09:21,209
Why didn't she come to me?
193
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:22,644
Because she was afraid
you'd just say no.
194
00:09:22,678 --> 00:09:24,746
Well, of course I'd say no.
It's a make-out party.
195
00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:26,364
No, no, no, no, no, no.
196
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:31,115
Jake's gonna be there, and he's cool,
but then there's this other guy, Nick.
197
00:09:31,189 --> 00:09:34,232
Ugh, Cheetos Nick?
198
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:37,764
Lord, I just want to tell the kid,
"Try an apple."
199
00:09:37,765 --> 00:09:39,834
Anyway, thanks for telling me.
I'll talk to Ellie about it.
200
00:09:39,835 --> 00:09:43,068
No, no, no. Then she'll know
that I violated her confidence
201
00:09:43,069 --> 00:09:44,676
and she'll never
trust me again.
202
00:09:44,677 --> 00:09:47,429
And then for the rest of her teenage
years, you'll be in the dark.
203
00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:49,991
And she'll be in the dark
doing crack.
204
00:09:50,955 --> 00:09:52,431
Scared yet?
205
00:09:54,003 --> 00:09:57,174
Okay, I'll figure out
something you can tell Ellie.
206
00:09:57,175 --> 00:09:59,638
By the way, why is she
doing crack in the dark?
207
00:09:59,639 --> 00:10:01,838
Do it in a well-lit hotel room,
like a mayor.
208
00:10:03,702 --> 00:10:05,259
Sean, disaster,
your office.
209
00:10:05,260 --> 00:10:07,054
I'm not saying there's been
a disaster in your office.
210
00:10:07,055 --> 00:10:09,828
I'm saying we need to discuss
a disaster while in your office.
211
00:10:09,848 --> 00:10:12,049
I'm not ruling out that there
has been a disaster in your office.
212
00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:15,234
I don't know. All will be revealed
when we reach your office.
213
00:10:17,052 --> 00:10:18,887
Okay, I'll get back to you
with an Ellie plan.
214
00:10:18,888 --> 00:10:23,528
In the meantime, I have to go
to my office, if it's still there.
215
00:10:23,529 --> 00:10:25,647
We don't know.
216
00:10:25,953 --> 00:10:27,677
All will be revealed.
217
00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:32,551
Sean, are you aware that our parents
went out for a drink last night?
218
00:10:32,585 --> 00:10:35,489
No, they didn't. My mom
was with Bernard. Go Team Bernard.
219
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:38,709
He's a pharmacist who drives
a sensible car, and I love him.
220
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:42,279
No, she ditched Bernard so she could
boogie the night away with my father.
221
00:10:42,386 --> 00:10:44,615
Are you kidding me?
222
00:10:44,616 --> 00:10:47,688
Thanks for nothing, Bernard,
you soft-spoken coatrack.
223
00:10:48,975 --> 00:10:50,576
They're seeing each other
again tonight.
224
00:10:50,577 --> 00:10:53,446
Sean, I cannot have my father
marrying your mother.
225
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:54,708
What?
226
00:10:54,716 --> 00:10:57,239
That's crazy. My mom's never
gonna marry your dad.
227
00:10:57,274 --> 00:10:58,440
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
228
00:10:58,475 --> 00:11:00,259
Easy for you to say,
but every five years or so,
229
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,761
my father chases down some woman
like a bull after a rodeo clown,
230
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:05,380
and right now,
your mother is that clown.
231
00:11:06,652 --> 00:11:09,537
My mother is not a rodeo clown.
If anything, she's the bull.
232
00:11:09,571 --> 00:11:11,747
Then my dad is the matador.
233
00:11:12,655 --> 00:11:16,194
Then I'm the owner of the bullfighting
ring which used to be a rodeo.
234
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,645
My point is, I am putting
a stop to this, all right?
235
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,998
I don't want my mom
with a guy
236
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,282
who uses his Martini olives
to put nipples on dinner rolls.
237
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,735
Good, you're engaged.
I like that.
238
00:11:26,736 --> 00:11:28,445
I have a strained relationship
with my father,
239
00:11:28,446 --> 00:11:30,580
and I cannot lose him again
to another wicked stepmother.
240
00:11:30,581 --> 00:11:31,718
Hey, my mom is not...
241
00:11:31,719 --> 00:11:34,583
Well, actually, I can see how you
might come to that conclusion.
242
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:42,734
Okay, I'm here,
and now I'm late.
243
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,185
- What did you have to tell me?
- Sit down.
244
00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:49,374
I'm gonna say this
as nicely as possible, okay?
245
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,893
Please don't see Lee tonight
246
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:57,090
because he is vile, crude,
boorish, and I hate him.
247
00:11:57,879 --> 00:11:59,764
I'm seeing Lee tonight.
248
00:11:59,817 --> 00:12:03,390
Then promise me you won't move
things along too quickly.
249
00:12:03,391 --> 00:12:06,010
Does sleeping with him
count as "too quickly"?
250
00:12:06,844 --> 00:12:07,969
Yes.
251
00:12:08,004 --> 00:12:10,807
- Oh, don't be such a prude.
- I'm not a prude.
252
00:12:11,578 --> 00:12:14,430
Look, if you really wanna have
"sehhh" with some "mehhh,"
253
00:12:14,487 --> 00:12:16,670
then I don't have a problem
with that, all right?
254
00:12:16,671 --> 00:12:18,571
But I think you deserve better
than this guy.
255
00:12:18,589 --> 00:12:21,041
Look, I know Lee is crass
on the outside,
256
00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:23,176
but inside, he's intelligent,
he's interesting,
257
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,788
he can dance,
and if he's good in the sack,
258
00:12:25,789 --> 00:12:28,029
I'm riding this train
as far as it goes.
259
00:12:30,110 --> 00:12:32,835
- Hello, Lorna. You look nice.
- Thank you, Max.
260
00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:36,441
Now, see, this one is polite
and he minds his own business.
261
00:12:37,221 --> 00:12:39,088
Please don't marry my daddy.
262
00:12:41,355 --> 00:12:43,206
Sean, you said you were going
to put a stop to this,
263
00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:46,435
and yet father says tonight he's going
to throw a hump into your mother.
264
00:12:47,130 --> 00:12:49,508
You could have said,
"Make love to my mother"...
265
00:12:49,542 --> 00:12:52,098
Actually, that's not
sitting well either.
266
00:12:52,099 --> 00:12:54,046
My point is,
father is leaving town tomorrow.
267
00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:56,167
If we can stop them
from consummating tonight,
268
00:12:56,168 --> 00:12:58,252
it'll buy us time to think
of a more long-term solution.
269
00:12:58,270 --> 00:12:59,570
How do we keep them apart?
270
00:12:59,605 --> 00:13:02,373
My mom's practically got
landing lights on her thighs.
271
00:13:02,408 --> 00:13:04,459
I've been scheming.
272
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:05,948
And...?
273
00:13:06,462 --> 00:13:08,279
I've come up with nothing.
274
00:13:08,479 --> 00:13:09,862
Oh, God.
275
00:13:09,896 --> 00:13:11,897
They're gonna go to dinner.
They'll go back to his room.
276
00:13:11,931 --> 00:13:13,282
He will take
his "boom boom" pills,
277
00:13:13,316 --> 00:13:16,133
which he says
puts the hustle in his muscle,
278
00:13:16,148 --> 00:13:17,752
and then you and I
will will end up
279
00:13:17,753 --> 00:13:20,117
wearing matching sailor suits
in a family portrait.
280
00:13:20,358 --> 00:13:23,350
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What if
he doesn't have his boom boom pills?
281
00:13:23,384 --> 00:13:26,436
Do the math.
No boom boom.
282
00:13:26,471 --> 00:13:28,705
Right, so what if we go
to his hotel room
283
00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:30,620
while they're at dinner
and steal his pills?
284
00:13:30,621 --> 00:13:33,894
And maybe some fancy shampoos and
a shower cap, because they expect that.
285
00:13:34,141 --> 00:13:36,475
That's great.
This is a fantastic idea.
286
00:13:36,493 --> 00:13:39,766
I feel like we should hit our fists
together and make an exploding sound.
287
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,496
Let's... let's see
how the evening goes first.
288
00:13:49,631 --> 00:13:52,817
El cuarto del baño
es la capital de los huevos.
289
00:13:55,053 --> 00:13:57,855
My Spanish isn't great,
but I think you just said,
290
00:13:57,889 --> 00:14:01,166
"The bathroom
is the capital of eggs."
291
00:14:01,927 --> 00:14:04,111
Also, that maid was Polish.
292
00:14:04,146 --> 00:14:07,306
She understood the $4
I slipped her pretty well.
293
00:14:08,321 --> 00:14:10,823
Oh, look, there's my mom's purse.
I'm starving.
294
00:14:10,824 --> 00:14:12,424
There's got to be something
to eat in here.
295
00:14:12,427 --> 00:14:13,527
Oh, look, grapes.
296
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,704
Ooh, protein bar.
That looks good.
297
00:14:15,705 --> 00:14:18,273
Ooh, aleve. I've got
a splitting headache.
298
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:21,116
Ooh, a compass. You don't
see those much anymore.
299
00:14:21,781 --> 00:14:24,195
Fine, you stay here and
run errands in my mom's purse.
300
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,647
I'll look for the Viagra.
301
00:14:25,894 --> 00:14:28,145
In a million years, did you
ever see our parents doing this?
302
00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:29,280
No.
303
00:14:29,281 --> 00:14:30,648
I didn't think
there was a woman alive
304
00:14:30,682 --> 00:14:32,687
who could keep my dad
away from the Asians.
305
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:35,119
Ooh, ooh, I found them!
306
00:14:35,851 --> 00:14:39,448
Get the keycard out of my pocket,
sweetheart. My hands are full.
307
00:14:39,482 --> 00:14:40,416
[Laughs]
308
00:14:40,450 --> 00:14:42,151
- Full of me.
- Mm...
309
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:47,455
Quick, the bathroom! We'll hide
behind the shower curtain.
310
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:51,400
There's no shower curtain.
It's all beveled glass. It's so gorgeous.
311
00:14:52,074 --> 00:14:55,310
- This card doesn't work.
- That's my credit card, sweetheart.
312
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:58,196
Oh, well,
I'll just keep that.
313
00:14:58,247 --> 00:15:00,680
- The closet! The closet!
- The closet, go.
314
00:15:01,617 --> 00:15:03,744
[Keycard scanner beeps]
315
00:15:04,420 --> 00:15:09,050
Good meal, good wine,
now let's have a good time.
316
00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:11,543
Phew, that was close.
317
00:15:11,594 --> 00:15:13,894
Yeah, lucky us.
318
00:15:13,895 --> 00:15:17,048
Now we have a front-row seat
to the worst show ever.
319
00:15:20,609 --> 00:15:24,934
I liked the way you shredded that waiter
tonight for not refilling our breadbasket.
320
00:15:24,952 --> 00:15:27,737
Well, how dare he tell us
we've had enough pretzel rolls?
321
00:15:27,771 --> 00:15:28,993
Mm.
322
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:32,279
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go freshen up.
323
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,404
Oh, don't be long.
Seriously, don't be long.
324
00:15:35,405 --> 00:15:37,290
I've had champagne,
and without a little action,
325
00:15:37,292 --> 00:15:40,027
I'll be asleep in, like,
four or five minutes.
326
00:15:42,618 --> 00:15:46,054
- I'm feeling a little bit weird.
- Don't worry, we'll be out of here soon.
327
00:15:46,088 --> 00:15:49,993
Your dad won't find his pills, the evening
will go South, and my mom will leave.
328
00:15:49,994 --> 00:15:52,245
Yes, and then father will fall asleep
and we will sneak out.
329
00:15:52,246 --> 00:15:55,216
Yeah. Quick question.
He only uses pills, right?
330
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,254
There's no backup steam pump
or anything?
331
00:15:57,272 --> 00:16:02,359
No, no. He briefly dabbled in shots, but
brother, you got to really want it.
332
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:04,645
- Damn it.
- What's the matter?
333
00:16:04,696 --> 00:16:06,430
There's no gentlemanly way
to say this,
334
00:16:06,448 --> 00:16:09,583
but I seem to have misplaced
my engorgement pills.
335
00:16:10,435 --> 00:16:13,571
LORNA: Oh, that's okay.
I have some.
336
00:16:13,605 --> 00:16:15,105
Oh.
337
00:16:15,123 --> 00:16:18,275
Here they are.
A girl is always prepared.
338
00:16:18,293 --> 00:16:21,336
Lady,
I want you in my bunker.
339
00:16:22,113 --> 00:16:23,748
But this is an aleve bottle.
340
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:28,302
Yes, I keep them in there so my son won't
find them when he's looking for grapes.
341
00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:30,802
Wait a minute. You took
some of those pills.
342
00:16:30,803 --> 00:16:33,039
Yes, which explains
the weird feeling I'm having
343
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:35,593
which has traveled South and
turned into a raging predicament.
344
00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:37,963
- Oh, are you freaking serious?
- Yes, Sean.
345
00:16:37,984 --> 00:16:40,666
I'm afraid I'm trapped in a closet
with an erection that just won't quit.
346
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,867
[Groans]
347
00:16:42,071 --> 00:16:44,724
You just described
how I spent my 20s.
348
00:16:48,227 --> 00:16:50,412
So, Jake,
I hope you're okay
349
00:16:50,446 --> 00:16:53,077
with missing the party tonight
and coming here instead.
350
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:54,361
Are you kidding?
351
00:16:54,412 --> 00:16:57,081
I was only going to that party
to hang out with you.
352
00:16:57,115 --> 00:16:58,499
- Really?
- Yeah.
353
00:16:58,533 --> 00:17:01,468
Plus, this is, like, the best
cheeseburger I've ever had.
354
00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:06,860
This is, like, the best
cheeseburger I've ever had.
355
00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:09,126
I know this was all
Sean's idea,
356
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,712
but I still feel pretty good
about how we handled it.
357
00:17:11,746 --> 00:17:15,382
Yeah, Sean may have solved the problem,
but who threw it in his lap?
358
00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:17,032
Both: Us.
359
00:17:18,336 --> 00:17:21,388
Sean, I don't want you to be alarmed,
but I may have to unbuckle my pants.
360
00:17:21,423 --> 00:17:23,933
They're new,
and I don't want to rip them.
361
00:17:24,747 --> 00:17:27,715
Okay, okay,
I am alarmed.
362
00:17:27,997 --> 00:17:30,722
Try thinking
of something horrible, like...
363
00:17:30,863 --> 00:17:33,117
Flesh-eating bacteria.
364
00:17:33,151 --> 00:17:35,486
You know who's attractive?
Keira Knightley.
365
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,654
[Cell phone rings]
366
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,639
What's that?
367
00:17:40,010 --> 00:17:41,914
I'm getting a text.
368
00:17:42,653 --> 00:17:45,321
Aw, Liz sent me
a picture of Ellie.
369
00:17:45,322 --> 00:17:47,882
- She's on her first date with a boy.
- Who cares?
370
00:17:47,916 --> 00:17:49,958
Thanks to those pills,
so am I.
371
00:17:53,346 --> 00:17:57,299
- It's our idiot kids.
- Oh, my God.
372
00:17:57,686 --> 00:18:00,538
- Let's screw with their heads.
- Let's.
373
00:18:00,939 --> 00:18:03,679
Lady, why don't you
take that dress off?
374
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,602
Or better yet, let me rip it off
with my teeth.
375
00:18:07,312 --> 00:18:09,363
[Laughs]
Do it, you beast.
376
00:18:09,398 --> 00:18:13,234
And then when you're done with me,
I'll stagger home in my robe.
377
00:18:14,681 --> 00:18:16,904
I can't listen to that
and have you like this.
378
00:18:16,938 --> 00:18:19,624
Stop moving around. I can feel
the wind hitting my area.
379
00:18:19,658 --> 00:18:20,625
[Shudders]
380
00:18:20,659 --> 00:18:23,961
I have to get out of here.
Attention, naked parents!
381
00:18:23,996 --> 00:18:25,997
There are children in here.
382
00:18:26,048 --> 00:18:27,498
Dismount!
383
00:18:27,549 --> 00:18:29,407
We're coming out.
384
00:18:29,852 --> 00:18:32,856
We knew you were in there,
you weirdos.
385
00:18:33,922 --> 00:18:35,407
Oh.
386
00:18:35,974 --> 00:18:40,311
[Laughs]
387
00:18:40,345 --> 00:18:42,437
That's funny!
This is funny, huh?
388
00:18:42,438 --> 00:18:45,455
Come on,
let's all laugh about it.
389
00:18:46,635 --> 00:18:48,859
That was lonely.
390
00:18:49,438 --> 00:18:52,856
- Son, come out.
- No, thank you.
391
00:18:53,084 --> 00:18:55,204
I can't believe you.
392
00:18:56,245 --> 00:18:59,758
Well, I can't believe myself.
393
00:19:00,082 --> 00:19:04,035
I hope I've learned
a valuable lesson from tonight.
394
00:19:04,086 --> 00:19:06,954
And no ice cream for me.
395
00:19:06,988 --> 00:19:09,590
You always complain
that I butt into your life,
396
00:19:09,625 --> 00:19:11,492
and then you come over here
and do...
397
00:19:11,510 --> 00:19:14,671
- What exactly are you doing?
- Making a big mistake.
398
00:19:14,672 --> 00:19:18,099
But it's hard not to get involved in the
life of someone you care about and...
399
00:19:18,133 --> 00:19:20,518
Oh, my God,
I sound like you.
400
00:19:20,552 --> 00:19:22,336
My sweet boy.
401
00:19:22,354 --> 00:19:25,339
Look what you went through
to protect your mother.
402
00:19:25,357 --> 00:19:28,175
I've always wanted
this kind of devotion.
403
00:19:28,193 --> 00:19:30,165
But not tonight.
404
00:19:30,876 --> 00:19:33,800
I was looking forward to trying
that thing with the tie.
405
00:19:33,801 --> 00:19:35,118
[Groans]
406
00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:37,451
I'm sorry also, father.
407
00:19:37,486 --> 00:19:39,845
Way to go, dill weed.
408
00:19:40,072 --> 00:19:41,873
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
this whole thing happened
409
00:19:41,907 --> 00:19:43,324
because you were so cold
to your son,
410
00:19:43,358 --> 00:19:44,826
he was afraid to ask you
for a favor.
411
00:19:44,860 --> 00:19:49,363
Yeah, why can't you show Max
some love, you mean old moose?
412
00:19:49,381 --> 00:19:52,717
My son disappoints me constantly,
but I love him.
413
00:19:52,751 --> 00:19:54,886
All right.
414
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,722
Max, I know I don't show it,
415
00:19:57,756 --> 00:20:02,710
but sometimes I suppose
I love you.
416
00:20:05,531 --> 00:20:08,189
So come out here
and give your dad a hug.
417
00:20:08,734 --> 00:20:11,402
I've been waiting my entire life
to hear that, father.
418
00:20:11,436 --> 00:20:13,695
But you know what?
I'll call you.
419
00:20:19,388 --> 00:20:21,556
So we could play cards,
420
00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:26,144
or backgammon,
or cribbage,
421
00:20:26,451 --> 00:20:29,430
or you could just have
a pomegranate.
422
00:20:30,483 --> 00:20:34,602
Mom, if you want, I'm fine
with you going back to the hotel
423
00:20:34,653 --> 00:20:38,523
and having you know what
with you know who.
424
00:20:38,556 --> 00:20:41,649
It's all right, dear. I'll see him
the next time he's here.
425
00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:44,502
You know, with you in that closet
and Max in that state,
426
00:20:44,536 --> 00:20:46,759
let's just say
you know how to turn a gal off.
427
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:47,672
[Clicks tongue]
428
00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:49,507
You know what I'm saying?
429
00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:53,539
I think Max wins the award for most
sexually scarred by the evening.
430
00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:55,424
I wonder how he's doing.
431
00:21:05,857 --> 00:21:08,276
I'm sorry to wake you, father.
I thought you were asleep.
432
00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:10,310
That's okay, son.
433
00:21:11,079 --> 00:21:14,714
Well, if I wasn't proud of you before,
I certainly am now.
434
00:21:18,949 --> 00:21:21,949
Synced by Reef
www.addic7ed.com