1
00:00:00,695 --> 00:00:03,510
♪ Oh, snap, snap, ♪

2
00:00:03,543 --> 00:00:05,711
- ♪ Oh, snap, snap. ♪
- Wow...

3
00:00:05,712 --> 00:00:07,344
- That sounds pretty good.
- Thank you.

4
00:00:07,347 --> 00:00:11,138
Hey, listen. Schmidt, I've been kinda
stuck on this whole career search thing.

5
00:00:11,163 --> 00:00:13,035
- Oh.
- You think I'd be good at advertising?

6
00:00:13,036 --> 00:00:16,599
- I mean, that's what you do, right?
- Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer.

7
00:00:16,624 --> 00:00:18,624
A fat moron
falling down the stairs.

8
00:00:18,625 --> 00:00:21,643
A snot-nosed brat kicking
his rapping grandpa in the testicles.

9
00:00:21,668 --> 00:00:24,132
The rapping grandpa
kills me, though.

10
00:00:24,157 --> 00:00:27,329
I am in marketing, Winston.
The backbone of capitalism.

11
00:00:27,330 --> 00:00:29,829
- Without it, you'd be dead in two days.
- I could be good at that.

12
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:31,928
Probably not, but you can shadow
me at work today to find out.

13
00:00:31,955 --> 00:00:35,311
Yeah! Team drug store,
back from mission.

14
00:00:35,312 --> 00:00:38,601
- Drug store, right, Coach?
- Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?

15
00:00:38,602 --> 00:00:40,661
- Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff.
- Thanks.

16
00:00:40,662 --> 00:00:42,664
So, same time
next week, right?

17
00:00:42,698 --> 00:00:45,582
Team drug store? We'll go again
to the drug store?

18
00:00:45,583 --> 00:00:49,278
Team drug store?
Ugh! God! What a walnut!

19
00:00:50,504 --> 00:00:54,262
It's been two months we've been living
with him, and I have yet to crack him.

20
00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:57,666
It's like we just spent an hour together.
It was, like, nothing, no connection.

21
00:00:57,667 --> 00:01:00,250
And don't tell me it's
in my mind, because it's not.

22
00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:03,554
We ran into one of his friends, and
Coach said the meanest thing about me.

23
00:01:03,588 --> 00:01:06,607
Check these out. Can you believe
these are for glaucoma?

24
00:01:06,641 --> 00:01:09,283
She's my buddy's girlfriend.

25
00:01:11,523 --> 00:01:13,574
You are my girlfriend.
What's the big deal?

26
00:01:13,575 --> 00:01:15,847
I want him to think of me
as his friend.

27
00:01:15,848 --> 00:01:17,760
- Oh, I hear that.
- Well, it'll happen if it's meant to.

28
00:01:17,761 --> 00:01:19,123
I need to find a way in.

29
00:01:19,124 --> 00:01:22,283
I found a way to force myself into all
of your lives. You just didn't know it.

30
00:01:22,317 --> 00:01:25,878
- Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas.
- I like the butt flap.

31
00:01:25,879 --> 00:01:27,483
You really think
mine was food?

32
00:01:27,484 --> 00:01:31,342
I can think of five other reasons
I wanted to be your friend.

33
00:01:31,343 --> 00:01:32,874
Boob, boob, vagina,
butt cheek, butt cheek.

34
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:33,966
In that order?

35
00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:36,597
Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina,
butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob."

36
00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,516
- Yeah, but that's the correct...
- That's the order, yeah.

37
00:01:38,755 --> 00:01:41,755
Season 3, Episode 12
"Basketsball"

38
00:01:41,906 --> 00:01:44,906
Synced by dcdah & Reef
www.addic7ed.com

39
00:01:44,964 --> 00:01:46,641
Look, Nick, I need help.

40
00:01:46,675 --> 00:01:48,943
Like, tell me about Coach.
Like, what's up with him?

41
00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:50,673
What does he like?
What does he dislike?

42
00:01:50,679 --> 00:01:52,863
Well, Coach 101 is,
he's watching basketball.

43
00:01:52,864 --> 00:01:56,354
And that's all he's gonna do from October
till June. His team's the Pistons.

44
00:01:57,043 --> 00:01:59,794
I mean, they were great in the '80s,
but then we got Jordan.

45
00:01:59,808 --> 00:02:02,287
Then they started getting good.
Then we got Thibodeau.

46
00:02:02,291 --> 00:02:04,041
What you gonna do now?
And he knows that.

47
00:02:04,076 --> 00:02:06,127
That's genius. Basketball.
That's my way in.

48
00:02:06,128 --> 00:02:08,448
Basketball's not your in. You don't know
anything about basketball.

49
00:02:08,449 --> 00:02:10,631
- Come on.
- You refer to it as "basketsball."

50
00:02:10,666 --> 00:02:12,855
Well, that's the
technically-correct term, Nick.

51
00:02:12,856 --> 00:02:15,800
There are two baskets.
I'm an English teacher.

52
00:02:15,801 --> 00:02:17,471
Basketball's just
the first step.

53
00:02:17,506 --> 00:02:20,272
We sit down, we watch a game.
We have a few laughs.

54
00:02:20,309 --> 00:02:24,679
Before you know it, we'll be
digging into each other's pasts.

55
00:02:24,713 --> 00:02:26,646
- That's not how it works, though.
- Childhoods, Nick.

56
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,175
That's the friendship
money shot.

57
00:02:28,176 --> 00:02:31,102
Men watch sports so we don't have
to talk about childhood stuff.

58
00:02:31,103 --> 00:02:32,820
- No.
- It's a real thing.

59
00:02:32,821 --> 00:02:34,655
And the game doesn't even
have deeper meaning.

60
00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:36,274
- Come on.
- And there's no layers to it.

61
00:02:36,325 --> 00:02:39,577
If I'm talking about a player
overcoming the defense to win,

62
00:02:39,611 --> 00:02:41,845
- ...that's not like I'm overcoming it.
- No. Come on.

63
00:02:41,846 --> 00:02:44,170
Not only that. He's a Pistons fan,
and I'm a Bulls fan.

64
00:02:44,171 --> 00:02:45,750
Right. I don't
understand, no.

65
00:02:45,784 --> 00:02:48,068
- It's rivalries.
- Sharks and cats.

66
00:02:48,069 --> 00:02:51,353
- Yankees, Red Sox.
- Whales and dolphins.

67
00:02:51,354 --> 00:02:53,015
Pistons fan, Bulls fan.
End of discussion.

68
00:02:53,016 --> 00:02:56,043
I get it. Jean Valjean
and Javert.

69
00:02:56,044 --> 00:03:00,181
Yeah, definitely. This is like a
<i>Jean Vanjer</i> and <i>Vajer</i> situation.

70
00:03:00,215 --> 00:03:03,683
- So, where do you do the marketing?
- Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive.

71
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,103
Where do we do the marketing?
We do the marketing everywhere.

72
00:03:06,138 --> 00:03:09,091
Now, you're gonna want to
take notes on everything I do,

73
00:03:09,092 --> 00:03:11,442
'cause you're about to see life
happen at the speed of business.

74
00:03:11,443 --> 00:03:13,689
- Schmidt. I have a task for you.
- Hi, Kim.

75
00:03:13,690 --> 00:03:16,132
We got a new guy, and I
want you to show him around.

76
00:03:16,176 --> 00:03:17,940
- Wait. Who's this?
- Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt.

77
00:03:17,941 --> 00:03:19,603
Called my bluff.
Don't care...

78
00:03:19,604 --> 00:03:23,836
- Ed...? Come meet Schmidt.
- Okeydokey.

79
00:03:23,878 --> 00:03:26,736
That's the new guy?
"New" compared to what, the moon?

80
00:03:26,737 --> 00:03:30,847
Here's what happened. Gwen turned 45,
so we had to fire her.

81
00:03:30,848 --> 00:03:34,150
Obviously. So, wait.
Gwen's job is available?

82
00:03:34,151 --> 00:03:37,016
Yeah, but then grandma turned
around and filed an ageism lawsuit,

83
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:39,292
so we hired Bran Flakes here
to cover our ass.

84
00:03:39,293 --> 00:03:40,688
- Just do it.
- All right, I'll do it.

85
00:03:40,689 --> 00:03:42,777
- Well, here I am.
- Okay.

86
00:03:42,778 --> 00:03:45,363
I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted
you to learn from the best.

87
00:03:45,364 --> 00:03:48,391
Well, actually, they said your
office was closest to the can.

88
00:03:48,392 --> 00:03:51,050
I got a prostate
the size of an avacada.

89
00:03:51,051 --> 00:03:54,213
- "Closest to the can."
- Do not write that down, Winston!

90
00:03:54,231 --> 00:03:56,182
Is it not closest to the can?

91
00:03:56,216 --> 00:03:58,435
Yes!

92
00:03:58,486 --> 00:04:01,089
Hey. Whoa.

93
00:04:01,090 --> 00:04:03,329
I stay sealed off
during basketball season.

94
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,944
Plus, I, uh, dropped some olives
under the bed, can't reach 'em.

95
00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:07,876
Oh. I got little pinchers.

96
00:04:08,026 --> 00:04:10,110
Okay. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yoom.

97
00:04:10,111 --> 00:04:12,079
Hey, so...

98
00:04:12,775 --> 00:04:15,814
I was gonna watch the, uh,
Pistons of Detroit game.

99
00:04:15,815 --> 00:04:18,788
Don't really have the reach for that.
Good thing I got legs.

100
00:04:18,789 --> 00:04:20,523
- Wait. You like the Pistons?
- Oh, yeah. Just like you.

101
00:04:20,524 --> 00:04:21,822
Are you serious?!

102
00:04:21,893 --> 00:04:23,821
- Yeah, I'm dead serious.
- Aw!

103
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:26,310
- So, you in?
- Be cool to watch it on a big TV.

104
00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:28,707
- I found your olives.
- Oh, you did?

105
00:04:28,708 --> 00:04:31,345
- Thought they were gonna be in a jar.
- No.

106
00:04:32,448 --> 00:04:34,458
This is a big part
of the biz, my man.

107
00:04:34,459 --> 00:04:36,601
Networking, face time,
making deals.

108
00:04:36,607 --> 00:04:39,981
Normally, this would have a much
sexier, businessman's vibe.

109
00:04:39,982 --> 00:04:43,278
But not when I'm dragging around
this old drooling potato.

110
00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:45,945
Potata? Yeah, I can
split a baked potata.

111
00:04:45,946 --> 00:04:48,739
What a life you must have lead.
Tell us about the street car, will you?

112
00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:50,904
Oh, it was a dynamite
way to get around.

113
00:04:50,938 --> 00:04:52,822
- Mm-hmm.
- Pasadena to to the beach...

114
00:04:52,823 --> 00:04:54,794
- Hey.
- I'll take another one of these.

115
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,169
- Sure.
- You know, Cece, I can't help but think

116
00:04:57,170 --> 00:05:01,713
that I am just following another
bad lead with this marketing thing.

117
00:05:01,714 --> 00:05:04,332
All I'm doing is taking a bunch
of notes for Schmidt.

118
00:05:04,822 --> 00:05:08,078
What's this?
"Seems befuddled and totally lucid"?

119
00:05:08,079 --> 00:05:10,948
- "Smells too clean"?
- Those were just notes about Ed.

120
00:05:10,949 --> 00:05:14,340
I'll tell you what. That dude is way
more interesting than marketing.

121
00:05:14,341 --> 00:05:17,975
If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and
become the next CIO of Ass-Strat,

122
00:05:18,009 --> 00:05:20,227
I can't just
embrace modernization.

123
00:05:20,239 --> 00:05:22,646
I got to make babies with it.
Do you know what I mean?

124
00:05:22,647 --> 00:05:26,316
It's time to unveil my baby.
Micro-marketing.

125
00:05:26,350 --> 00:05:30,237
Yeah, we target our messages
directly to the individual consumer.

126
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,115
What a good idea.

127
00:05:32,116 --> 00:05:35,839
They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade
for you in the Jewish part of town.

128
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,580
That's right.
In the Jewish part of town.

129
00:05:38,830 --> 00:05:41,798
- Mm.
- Nothing but net.

130
00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:45,131
Traditionally, "Nothing but net" refers
to hitting nothing but <i>inside</i> of the net.

131
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:47,537
- Oh?
- Ah, so, yeah, no.

132
00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:49,844
Oh, time-out.

133
00:05:49,845 --> 00:05:51,207
Butt bump.

134
00:05:51,632 --> 00:05:52,809
What?

135
00:05:52,810 --> 00:05:54,776
- I'm ready.
- What? The butt...? Oh.

136
00:05:54,777 --> 00:05:57,524
- Come on.
- All right.

137
00:05:57,525 --> 00:06:00,734
- Hey! Hey! What is that?
- It's the Pistons butt bump.

138
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,795
I didn't know your girlfriend
was a Pistons fan.

139
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,988
That's got
to suck for you, man.

140
00:06:05,023 --> 00:06:08,224
But I guess everything sucks for you
when you root for the Bulls.

141
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,578
- Butt bump! Ah.
- Ah. Ooh.

142
00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:14,991
Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're
a Pistons fan now, Jess?

143
00:06:14,992 --> 00:06:18,035
- Suck it, Bulls!
- Yeah. Suck it, Bulls!

144
00:06:18,069 --> 00:06:20,287
The worst team in
the League, the Bulls.

145
00:06:20,288 --> 00:06:22,411
Oh, it's the worst team
in the League, all right.

146
00:06:22,412 --> 00:06:23,620
Who is the worst team
in the League, Jess?

147
00:06:23,646 --> 00:06:25,241
The Bulls.

148
00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:29,011
♪ The Bulls are the worst team
in the League. ♪

149
00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:32,215
Hey.

150
00:06:32,742 --> 00:06:35,575
So, went really well today.

151
00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:38,447
I think Coach and I
are really connecting.

152
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:41,141
Come on, what is that?

153
00:06:43,438 --> 00:06:45,076
What do you mean?

154
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,909
What? Oh, Coach gave this to me.
How cute is this shirt?

155
00:06:48,944 --> 00:06:51,608
Don't take this the wrong way, but
I'm gonna need you to get out of my bed.

156
00:06:51,609 --> 00:06:54,720
- Why? Because of the shirt?
- 100% because of the shirt.

157
00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:56,891
Oh, my God, you're serious.

158
00:06:56,892 --> 00:06:58,318
I can't have you in my bed
in a Pistons shirt.

159
00:06:58,336 --> 00:07:00,061
- Oh, my God!
- I need you to get out of the bed.

160
00:07:00,062 --> 00:07:01,193
Jess, I need you
to get out of there.

161
00:07:01,194 --> 00:07:03,657
I tried being cool
about it, but it's not cool.

162
00:07:03,658 --> 00:07:04,688
- Really?
- Really.

163
00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:07,595
Nick, it's just basketball.
Why are you taking this personally?

164
00:07:07,629 --> 00:07:10,527
Because it's personal, Jess!
That's my team.

165
00:07:10,528 --> 00:07:12,028
It's the city
that I'm from.

166
00:07:12,217 --> 00:07:14,468
It's most of my relationship
with my dad.

167
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:15,769
R.I.P., by the way.

168
00:07:15,804 --> 00:07:17,671
Michael Jordan.

169
00:07:17,689 --> 00:07:19,890
The first man that taught me
that I could love a man.

170
00:07:19,941 --> 00:07:23,025
And the Pistons are our rivals.
They're like in <i>Hamlet...</i>

171
00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:25,579
The McCalls and the...
Sh... Hacksperes.

172
00:07:25,763 --> 00:07:29,182
You're my girlfriend now, so...
You got to be a Bulls fan.

173
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:30,580
That's the whole point, Nick.

174
00:07:30,581 --> 00:07:32,369
Coach just thinks of me
as your girlfriend,

175
00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:34,440
and I want him
to know me for me.

176
00:07:34,441 --> 00:07:35,983
Do you want me
to be friends with Coach?

177
00:07:35,984 --> 00:07:37,741
I-I absolutely do. Yes.

178
00:07:37,742 --> 00:07:41,040
So, then, why can't I be a Pistons fan
until we become friends,

179
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:42,555
and then I'll switch
to the Bulls?

180
00:07:42,556 --> 00:07:44,056
So every year you can
just pick a new team?

181
00:07:44,057 --> 00:07:46,024
You meet a new friend,
you're a fan of that?

182
00:07:46,025 --> 00:07:48,723
- I could never trust you.
- Can we just have sex now, please?

183
00:07:48,724 --> 00:07:51,309
I'm sorry. You can't be
a Pistons fan. I forbid it.

184
00:07:51,310 --> 00:07:55,678
- It has to be this way.
- You can't forbid me to do stuff.

185
00:07:55,679 --> 00:07:57,841
That's just not... you...
That's not within your power.

186
00:07:57,866 --> 00:07:59,684
- I just did.
- The shirt stays!

187
00:07:59,685 --> 00:08:02,251
Jessica, you're
leaving me no options here.

188
00:08:02,269 --> 00:08:03,995
I'm gonna have
to turn off the tap.

189
00:08:03,996 --> 00:08:06,131
- What tap?
- The sex tap.

190
00:08:07,424 --> 00:08:08,742
But I need my vitamin D.

191
00:08:08,743 --> 00:08:11,750
As long as you're wearing
that shirt, the tap is off.

192
00:08:11,751 --> 00:08:15,004
- No more... hot water.
- All right, fine, then.

193
00:08:15,005 --> 00:08:18,246
My shirt and I
will go sleep in <i>my</i> bed.

194
00:08:23,997 --> 00:08:26,159
Oh. What happened
to your Pistons jersey?

195
00:08:26,193 --> 00:08:29,920
Did you rip it off and rush in here
'cause she got to have it?

196
00:08:29,921 --> 00:08:32,221
- Look, is this still a thing?
- Oh, it's still a thing.

197
00:08:32,222 --> 00:08:34,390
No sex for you as long
as you're a Pistons fan.

198
00:08:34,391 --> 00:08:37,353
You can't use sex to manipulate...
What are you doing?

199
00:08:37,404 --> 00:08:40,851
Just brushing my dirty teeth.
They're filthy.

200
00:08:40,852 --> 00:08:44,080
Nick, do not challenge me
to a sex standoff.

201
00:08:44,081 --> 00:08:46,939
I can channel all
my sexual energy into knitting.

202
00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:48,321
How do you think I made it
through high school?

203
00:08:48,322 --> 00:08:50,333
It's good when you go fast
and then slow.

204
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:52,596
Make the teeth wait for it.

205
00:08:53,106 --> 00:08:54,254
You're on.

206
00:08:57,326 --> 00:09:00,069
- Oh! Yeah!
- Oh! Yeah! Turnover!

207
00:09:00,070 --> 00:09:01,893
- Dunk it from the downtown!
- Go! Go! Go!

208
00:09:01,894 --> 00:09:04,551
- Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith.
- You better listen to my friend.

209
00:09:04,552 --> 00:09:07,038
She knows exactly
what she's talking about!

210
00:09:07,039 --> 00:09:08,718
Did you just call me
your friend?

211
00:09:10,054 --> 00:09:11,187
What's up, guys?

212
00:09:11,221 --> 00:09:15,115
Ah, two minutes in, and the Pistons
are already down by ten. What a drag.

213
00:09:15,116 --> 00:09:16,824
What the heck
are you wearing, dude?

214
00:09:16,825 --> 00:09:18,644
Just my Scottie Pippens. Yeah.

215
00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:21,531
Oh, hey, I'm just checking up
on you. You frustrated at all?

216
00:09:21,615 --> 00:09:24,784
- You need your... vitamin D?
- No.

217
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,648
Jessica...

218
00:09:29,649 --> 00:09:31,597
- Three-point play! Yes!
- Oh, yeah!

219
00:09:31,598 --> 00:09:34,860
- That's what I'm talking about!
- We are talking about the same thing...

220
00:09:34,861 --> 00:09:36,354
My friend and I.

221
00:09:37,575 --> 00:09:40,610
Do my berries make you hungry?

222
00:09:43,253 --> 00:09:45,142
Mmm. Refreshing.

223
00:09:45,143 --> 00:09:46,692
Just drink the water, Nick.

224
00:09:47,970 --> 00:09:50,443
- You're turning yourself on now.
- I really am, yeah.

225
00:09:51,698 --> 00:09:53,646
Okay, next order
of business is...

226
00:09:53,647 --> 00:09:57,390
Kim, if I may, uh, present
an idea very quickly to the group.

227
00:09:57,407 --> 00:09:58,965
- While I know...
- Micro-marketing.

228
00:09:58,966 --> 00:09:59,968
What?

229
00:09:59,969 --> 00:10:01,796
Has this company ever
considered targeting

230
00:10:01,822 --> 00:10:04,223
its message
to individual consumers?

231
00:10:04,241 --> 00:10:08,055
Big data's knocking. Let's open
the door. Just a thought.

232
00:10:08,056 --> 00:10:10,913
Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that
and present it to the board asap.

233
00:10:10,948 --> 00:10:14,781
Great job. I'd hug you,
but you smell like a public library.

234
00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:17,732
- What are you doing?
- I may be dirty, but I play old.

235
00:10:17,733 --> 00:10:18,949
You said that wrong.

236
00:10:18,950 --> 00:10:22,328
And yet I got my paw wrapped
around your avacadas.

237
00:10:22,329 --> 00:10:24,243
What is with you
and avacadas?

238
00:10:24,244 --> 00:10:25,462
Sorry.

239
00:10:26,274 --> 00:10:28,464
You're never gonna
believe what Ed just did.

240
00:10:28,515 --> 00:10:30,332
He stabbed you in the back.

241
00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:32,468
Winston, that's exactly what
happened. How did you do that?

242
00:10:32,469 --> 00:10:33,719
I figured him out, Schmidt.

243
00:10:33,753 --> 00:10:37,224
That liver spot out-sharked me.
Can you believe that?

244
00:10:37,225 --> 00:10:38,808
I'm-I'm a minnow.

245
00:10:38,859 --> 00:10:41,694
Tomorrow, Ed is gonna
present my idea to the board,

246
00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:44,030
and then he's gonna get
the... get the promotion.

247
00:10:44,064 --> 00:10:46,616
My career is toast.
Minnow toast.

248
00:10:46,650 --> 00:10:48,434
Yeah, well, I tip
my hat to him.

249
00:10:48,452 --> 00:10:50,620
The minnow tips his
tiny hat to the shark,

250
00:10:50,621 --> 00:10:52,613
and then lays down
on the toast to be eaten.

251
00:10:52,614 --> 00:10:55,041
There is too much going on in
whatever metaphor you're trying.

252
00:10:55,042 --> 00:10:57,243
- Okay? It's too busy.
- Somewhat made se... Oh, forget it.

253
00:10:57,277 --> 00:11:00,379
- Ed wins. I'm a mess.
- Hell, no, Schmidt.

254
00:11:00,414 --> 00:11:02,465
Justice has to be served,
all right?

255
00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:04,417
- Mm-hmm.
- Right. Let us stop Ed.

256
00:11:04,451 --> 00:11:07,333
The minnow needs
to get up off of...

257
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,355
No, off of the toast mat

258
00:11:09,383 --> 00:11:13,436
and fish-fight his way
to the orangutan ball.

259
00:11:15,032 --> 00:11:19,466
I just don't understand why they
keep giving these games away!

260
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,985
You know what it was? It was
that turnover in the third quarter.

261
00:11:23,020 --> 00:11:24,470
- Right.
- Yeah. I'll show you.

262
00:11:24,488 --> 00:11:26,158
I can just take
your word for it.

263
00:11:26,159 --> 00:11:28,005
Actually, let's do it
from the beginning.

264
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,248
You want to watch the game
we just watched all over again?

265
00:11:31,249 --> 00:11:33,116
- Mm-hmm.
- With both overtimes?

266
00:11:35,693 --> 00:11:36,930
Great.

267
00:11:45,579 --> 00:11:48,320
- Looking for somebody?
- Just doing a bed check.

268
00:11:48,321 --> 00:11:51,305
And you are
accounted for, so...

269
00:11:51,465 --> 00:11:54,149
- See you.
- So, how's it going?

270
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:57,108
You guys bonding
over basketball, Jess?

271
00:11:57,109 --> 00:12:01,558
We're actually this close to moving past
basketball and into real friendship, so...

272
00:12:01,559 --> 00:12:03,000
- Great.
- I'm feeling pretty good about it.

273
00:12:03,001 --> 00:12:06,876
After the Pistons lost, did he get
really sad and talk to you about it?

274
00:12:06,897 --> 00:12:10,041
About how he felt and you
guys became besties after?

275
00:12:10,042 --> 00:12:13,764
Or did that not happen because
that's not the way men are?

276
00:12:14,397 --> 00:12:18,023
The Pistons lost, so you
must be feeling pretty good.

277
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,567
- Oh, I'm happy, yeah.
- Yeah...?

278
00:12:19,568 --> 00:12:21,494
- You're feeling excited?
- Mm-hmm.

279
00:12:21,495 --> 00:12:22,962
- Worked up?
- Yeah.

280
00:12:23,647 --> 00:12:24,938
Ready to cave?

281
00:12:24,939 --> 00:12:26,882
- Oh, I've never been stronger.
- Oh, yeah?

282
00:12:27,088 --> 00:12:30,135
So if I just read you
a description of...

283
00:12:30,174 --> 00:12:34,685
Like, what a Piston does, you know, on
my phone, it wouldn't affect you at all?

284
00:12:34,686 --> 00:12:36,136
Is that what you're saying?

285
00:12:36,616 --> 00:12:38,844
It's just a rod

286
00:12:38,878 --> 00:12:42,498
that transfers, uh, force

287
00:12:42,549 --> 00:12:43,966
from the crank shaft...

288
00:12:43,991 --> 00:12:47,019
What is this, a seduction class
for kindergarteners?

289
00:12:47,053 --> 00:12:49,266
Watch the master work.

290
00:12:55,844 --> 00:12:57,845
How about this?

291
00:13:02,966 --> 00:13:04,695
A little Paula Abdul stuff.

292
00:13:09,692 --> 00:13:10,823
Yeah.

293
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,291
Are we doing this?

294
00:13:12,427 --> 00:13:13,761
- Ha!
- What are you doing?

295
00:13:13,762 --> 00:13:16,467
Ball's in my court now, pal.

296
00:13:17,592 --> 00:13:21,100
I'm turning off <i>my</i> tap
until you become a Pistons fan.

297
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,309
- Hey, that wasn't part of the deal.
- It is now.

298
00:13:31,972 --> 00:13:34,494
<i>I can't figure out my
counterstrike, Winston.</i>

299
00:13:34,519 --> 00:13:37,411
The only thing we know about Ed
is that he's old and cranky,

300
00:13:37,412 --> 00:13:40,190
and he baffles me because
I'm so darn young and pleasant.

301
00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:43,606
We just got to get inside
into his old, cranky mind.

302
00:13:43,607 --> 00:13:45,362
We have to find an older,
crankier mind.

303
00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:47,441
How are we gonna find an older,
crankier mind than Ed?

304
00:13:47,442 --> 00:13:50,225
Hey, where are you guys getting
your photos developed these days?

305
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,950
I got these beefcake selfies that
I want to dangle in front of Jess,

306
00:13:53,951 --> 00:13:55,668
get her engine revved up.

307
00:13:55,686 --> 00:14:00,340
- Your phone has a camera, Nick.
- These are sexy, sensual, private pics.

308
00:14:00,391 --> 00:14:03,259
I don't want them beamed
right into Snowden's pocket.

309
00:14:03,308 --> 00:14:06,744
I'm not going through Wikileaks, man.
It's not for me. Analog.

310
00:14:06,764 --> 00:14:07,847
It's the only thing
you can trust.

311
00:14:07,898 --> 00:14:10,464
You care to elaborate, you know,
on this whole analog thing?

312
00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:13,234
No, here's the reality, you never know
what's gonna happen with a phone.

313
00:14:13,235 --> 00:14:14,099
Right.

314
00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:15,984
The hinges that
hold the flip together,

315
00:14:16,019 --> 00:14:18,284
they get loosened over
time when-when they get wet.

316
00:14:18,285 --> 00:14:19,970
And then once you open it,
it's easier for people

317
00:14:19,971 --> 00:14:23,250
to go in there and see your passwords
and, you know, see your codes.

318
00:14:23,257 --> 00:14:26,178
Once the screen breaks, your
information's in the Twitterverse, man.

319
00:14:26,179 --> 00:14:27,893
And it's all out there
for everyone to see,

320
00:14:27,912 --> 00:14:30,086
all these little monkey elves,
man, all these kids.

321
00:14:30,087 --> 00:14:32,356
That's all they do.
Get your information, man.

322
00:14:32,357 --> 00:14:34,891
Bottom line is you can't
control your technology.

323
00:14:34,931 --> 00:14:37,282
That's what's going on in Japan
with all those robots.

324
00:14:37,329 --> 00:14:39,828
Not for me, man.
That's why I trust a hard copy.

325
00:14:39,829 --> 00:14:42,311
- Plain and simple.
- Hard copy, Schmidt.

326
00:14:42,345 --> 00:14:43,646
- Nice work.
- Thank you.

327
00:14:43,647 --> 00:14:46,990
And, Nick, you know, if you're gonna be
taking boudoir shots, please consult me.

328
00:14:46,991 --> 00:14:48,750
- I know.
- I have a series of poses

329
00:14:48,751 --> 00:14:51,020
that many people, including
myself, find very sexy.

330
00:14:51,046 --> 00:14:53,639
Okay, here's one that
I call the half Nelson.

331
00:14:54,076 --> 00:14:57,139
- Yeah, I didn't do that.
- This is called a Guy Fieri.

332
00:14:57,218 --> 00:14:58,790
- Just taste the sauces.
- Yeah.

333
00:14:58,791 --> 00:15:00,354
Black licorice.

334
00:15:01,694 --> 00:15:03,261
- Yeah.
- You're welcome.

335
00:15:04,918 --> 00:15:06,114
Schmidt's dead wrong.

336
00:15:06,115 --> 00:15:08,328
- Oh, yeah?
- I got some real hot pics in here.

337
00:15:08,329 --> 00:15:10,175
- I don't care.
- There's one of me as a sexy mayor,

338
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:12,735
looking out the window,
deciding the future of my city.

339
00:15:12,736 --> 00:15:16,507
It's got to get her going.
Daddy needs his cookie.

340
00:15:17,408 --> 00:15:19,261
Dude, just wear
the damn Pistons jersey.

341
00:15:19,262 --> 00:15:21,208
Oh, my God,
I've got to end this.

342
00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:25,220
What time is it?!

343
00:15:25,638 --> 00:15:27,222
Game time!

344
00:15:27,257 --> 00:15:29,412
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

345
00:15:29,413 --> 00:15:31,317
It's my favorite time.

346
00:15:31,318 --> 00:15:33,302
Other than... medieval time.

347
00:15:33,303 --> 00:15:34,787
All right.

348
00:15:36,053 --> 00:15:37,349
- What the...?
- What the...?

349
00:15:37,350 --> 00:15:39,870
- Let me see what's...
- Wait, no, I'll do it. It's okay.

350
00:15:41,794 --> 00:15:44,667
No! Oh, my God, a mouse...

351
00:15:44,865 --> 00:15:47,767
Rat or s...
Uh, some creature.

352
00:15:47,957 --> 00:15:51,326
- I got to go watch it in my room.
- Wait, no, no, no. Coach, Coach, Coach.

353
00:15:51,327 --> 00:15:53,854
Look, since we can't watch
the game, why don't we just...

354
00:15:53,855 --> 00:15:56,288
- Have a nice, long chat over coffee?
- What?

355
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,903
- You know, just talk, hang out.
- What...?

356
00:15:58,904 --> 00:16:01,524
And then coffee turns to dinner,
and dinner turns to weekly dinner,

357
00:16:01,541 --> 00:16:04,497
and before you know it,
I'm best man at your beach wedding.

358
00:16:04,510 --> 00:16:06,511
Do we have to?

359
00:16:07,657 --> 00:16:09,831
We don't... okay.

360
00:16:14,619 --> 00:16:17,672
- You start.
- Me?

361
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:22,096
Hey, you want
to do this over food?

362
00:16:22,097 --> 00:16:23,638
Yes! Yes!

363
00:16:23,639 --> 00:16:26,441
No! No, no, no, no!

364
00:16:26,442 --> 00:16:28,401
No! Come on!

365
00:16:28,402 --> 00:16:31,338
Get your head out of your ass, so you
can see where you're going, damn it!

366
00:16:31,339 --> 00:16:32,617
Okay.

367
00:16:32,618 --> 00:16:34,092
- What?
- I have to say it.

368
00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:36,344
Coach, I...

369
00:16:36,345 --> 00:16:38,546
I don't like basketball.

370
00:16:38,547 --> 00:16:41,049
- What?
- There's, like, no fun parts.

371
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:42,982
There's no themes.

372
00:16:42,983 --> 00:16:45,708
Men should not be
wearing tank tops, <i>ever.</i>

373
00:16:45,745 --> 00:16:48,084
Why were you pretending
to like basketball?

374
00:16:48,085 --> 00:16:49,738
'Cause I wanted
to be friends with you.

375
00:16:49,739 --> 00:16:53,519
Dude, you're my buddy's girlfriend.
We're watching the game.

376
00:16:53,553 --> 00:16:55,526
What's the problem, dude?
What else do you want?

377
00:16:55,527 --> 00:16:59,725
No, you're right. I'm just, um...
I'm just Nick's girlfriend, so...

378
00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:03,118
- Enjoy the game. Okay.
- Where are you going?

379
00:17:03,119 --> 00:17:04,236
I'm just, um...

380
00:17:06,105 --> 00:17:07,873
- Jess...
- Where...

381
00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:09,646
Jess!

382
00:17:09,647 --> 00:17:12,098
Ladies, you all look
like a hundred bucks.

383
00:17:12,372 --> 00:17:15,908
I hope someone's taking you out
for oysters Rockefeller tonight.

384
00:17:15,942 --> 00:17:17,209
Now, before
I begin,

385
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:20,612
my little helper here will distribute
some handouts for your reference.

386
00:17:20,630 --> 00:17:22,392
Uh, you know what, Ed?
I'm really sorry.

387
00:17:22,393 --> 00:17:24,757
Company printers
are on the Fritz, so...

388
00:17:24,758 --> 00:17:28,711
Little helper that I am, I decided
to load everything up onto the laptop.

389
00:17:32,125 --> 00:17:33,597
There you go.

390
00:17:35,434 --> 00:17:39,661
Well, I'm sure
there's a printer that works.

391
00:17:39,686 --> 00:17:43,078
- I'll just wait for the hard copies.
- I broke all the printers.

392
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:45,637
I'm gonna beat you with
an orange in a sock.

393
00:17:45,655 --> 00:17:48,073
Besides, we're talking
about technology, aren't we?

394
00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:51,110
Be a little silly to talk about
technology without using technology.

395
00:17:51,144 --> 00:17:53,362
- Am I right, Kim?
- Use the technology, Ed.

396
00:17:56,783 --> 00:17:59,484
Hup-I-dip-I-dip...

397
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:04,489
My left arm.

398
00:18:04,507 --> 00:18:05,824
My neck.

399
00:18:07,327 --> 00:18:10,727
You got me this time, Hebrew.
But I'll be back.

400
00:18:11,787 --> 00:18:14,666
This is why the cutoff's
at 45, ladies.

401
00:18:18,370 --> 00:18:20,222
Oh, okay. Okay.

402
00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:26,572
Jess! You win!
I'm all backed up!

403
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,074
I've even been
fantasizing about Winston!

404
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,135
Where is she, dude?

405
00:18:32,329 --> 00:18:33,746
Don't do that laugh.

406
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,161
- What are you wearing, dude?
- It's for sex.

407
00:18:38,162 --> 00:18:39,792
You like the Pistons.

408
00:18:39,793 --> 00:18:41,994
Why don't you shut up, Coach?

409
00:18:42,672 --> 00:18:45,207
- Where's Jess?
- What is up with that girl, dude?

410
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,176
One minute we're watching
the game, the next she's, like,

411
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,128
calling me a jerk
and storming out of the place.

412
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,931
She just wants to be your friend.
Any idiot can see that.

413
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,824
We were being friends.
We were watching the game together.

414
00:18:54,832 --> 00:18:57,269
- It was an awesome game.
- Okay, maybe she wants more than that.

415
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:58,523
Like what?

416
00:18:58,524 --> 00:19:00,225
- You want to know a trick?
- Absolutely.

417
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:01,810
This is how you
get in with Jess.

418
00:19:01,811 --> 00:19:05,028
You know when you're driving in your car
and you have a random thought, like...

419
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:07,224
"I wonder if
seals are friends."

420
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:08,898
Yeah, or like...

421
00:19:08,949 --> 00:19:11,450
"I really want to text right now,
but there's a cop behind me."

422
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,353
- That's not the one I mean.
- "Why do T-Rex have little arms?"

423
00:19:14,371 --> 00:19:16,322
Don't finish. Don't f...
I know you, don't...

424
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,357
"If they get an itch in their crotch,
how do they scratch it?"

425
00:19:18,375 --> 00:19:20,626
I mean more like sweet,
kind of emotional stuff.

426
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,747
Like, if you combed, you know, like,
a gorilla's hair, would it like it?

427
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:26,131
Like... I've never seen
a baby pigeon before.

428
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,416
Exactly!

429
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,969
Tell that to her and
you get a friend for life.

430
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,872
Now, excuse me.
Sex awaits.

431
00:19:34,176 --> 00:19:38,394
Hey, Jess! You win!
I want to take you!

432
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,045
Respectfully!

433
00:19:46,692 --> 00:19:48,442
- Come here.
- Take that Jersey off.

434
00:19:48,443 --> 00:19:50,071
Actually, leave it on.

435
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:57,097
- To Winston.
- Hear, hear.

436
00:19:57,098 --> 00:19:59,825
As a thank-you, I'd like...
I'd like to get you a job at Ass-Strat.

437
00:19:59,833 --> 00:20:01,506
I'll make you
a real Ass man.

438
00:20:03,023 --> 00:20:04,388
I don't know, man.

439
00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:07,456
I kind of liked the part where we just
get to analyze evidence, you know.

440
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:11,025
Connect the dots a little bit, yeah.
Live inside of someone else's mind.

441
00:20:11,026 --> 00:20:13,262
- Spoken like a true marketing analyst.
- I don't know.

442
00:20:13,263 --> 00:20:15,399
You know, I kind of want
to be free of a desk as well.

443
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,515
Well... roam the
streets a little bit.

444
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,842
Just sniff out clues.
Let me ask you something.

445
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:22,282
- You guys get donuts in the morning?
- You ever thought of being a cop?

446
00:20:22,530 --> 00:20:25,057
- Winston, I think you'd be great.
- I can see it.

447
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,259
You know, it's funny.
I was thinking the exact same thing.

448
00:20:27,277 --> 00:20:29,677
You've already got high cholesterol
and weird people skills.

449
00:20:29,678 --> 00:20:32,210
- "Officer Bishop."
- I like the way that sounds.

450
00:20:32,211 --> 00:20:34,817
It would be nice to retroactively
justify that mustache.

451
00:20:34,868 --> 00:20:36,717
It's a hell of a mustache.

452
00:20:38,069 --> 00:20:40,415
What does that mean?
That was from a movie.

453
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,157
- <i>Training Day's</i> my favorite movie.
- I understand that,

454
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:43,608
but you understand that's
not what being a cop is.

455
00:20:43,626 --> 00:20:45,744
I want to drop fools! Huh?
That's what you're telling me?

456
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,713
If you think this means
you can start yelling at me...

457
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,747
You damn right, sucker!
That's what that means.

458
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:50,916
Oh, I apologize
about that.

459
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:52,951
Jess?

460
00:20:53,797 --> 00:20:55,787
♪ Jessica Day-hey-ey.

461
00:20:55,805 --> 00:20:59,558
I just want to say that, um,
I would love to be your friend.

462
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,626
Look, I know I'm crazy
about the Pistons,

463
00:21:01,644 --> 00:21:05,347
but it's just because Detroit was
the city I lived in the longest as a kid.

464
00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:08,350
Yes. I lived in, like, six different
states by the time I was ten.

465
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:11,615
At a certain point, I just...
Stopped trying to make friends.

466
00:21:13,639 --> 00:21:16,525
Got real comfy on that.

467
00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:17,860
Really?

468
00:21:17,911 --> 00:21:21,480
Lot easier saying bye to your buddy's
girlfriend than it is your friend.

469
00:21:21,498 --> 00:21:25,760
Well, I'm not gonna be saying
good-bye to you anytime soon.

470
00:21:26,214 --> 00:21:27,562
Except for right now.

471
00:21:28,671 --> 00:21:30,984
You want to do a butt bump?

472
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:32,657
Butt...

473
00:21:32,675 --> 00:21:34,376
Ah, you're probably doing
your own butt bumps.

474
00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:37,304
Cool. I know you guys
are already done.

475
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:40,430
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