1 00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,726 [SINGING] Ooh, slap-slap Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,268 Ooh, snap-snap 3 00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:07,736 - Wow, that sounds pretty good. - Thanks, man. 4 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,966 Listen, Schmidt, I've been kind of stuck... 5 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,007 ...on this whole career-search thing. - Oh. 6 00:00:12,212 --> 00:00:13,577 Think I'd be good at advertising? 7 00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:16,908 - That's what you do, right? - Advertising is a dog drinking beer. 8 00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:18,914 A fat moron falling down the stairs. 9 00:00:19,119 --> 00:00:22,179 A snot-nosed brat kicking his rapping grandpa in the testicles. 10 00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:24,289 - Rapping grandpa kills me though. - Ha-ha-ha. 11 00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:27,585 I'm in marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism. 12 00:00:27,794 --> 00:00:30,456 - Without it, you'd be dead. - I could be good at that. 13 00:00:30,663 --> 00:00:32,654 Probably not, but you can shadow me at work to find out. 14 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:36,802 Hey-oh! Team Drugstore back from Mission: Drugstore. 15 00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:39,130 - Right, Coach? - Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag? 16 00:00:39,339 --> 00:00:40,806 Yeah. Good stuff, good stuff. 17 00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:43,441 - Thanks. - So same time next week, right? 18 00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:47,204 Team Drugstore? We'll go again to the drugstore. Team Drugstore? 19 00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:52,943 Agh. God, what a walnut. It's been two months we've been living with him... 20 00:00:53,153 --> 00:00:54,620 ...and I have yet to crack him. 21 00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:58,279 We just spent an hour together, it was like, nothing. No connection. 22 00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:00,686 Don't tell me it's in my mind because it's not. 23 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,954 We ran into one of his friends and Coach said the meanest thing. 24 00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:06,997 Check these out. Can you believe these are for glaucoma? 25 00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:09,965 She's my buddy's girlfriend. 26 00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:14,070 You are my girlfriend. What's the deal? 27 00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:16,901 - I want him to think of me as his friend. - I hear that. 28 00:01:17,110 --> 00:01:20,637 - It'll happen if it's meant to. - I need to find a way in. I found a way... 29 00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:24,783 ...into all of your lives, you just didn't know it. Food. Clothes. Onesie pajamas. 30 00:01:24,984 --> 00:01:27,817 - Heh. I like the butt flap. - You think mine was food? 31 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:31,388 I can think of five other reasons why I wanted to be your friend. 32 00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:34,253 - Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek. - That order? 33 00:01:34,461 --> 00:01:37,055 Not gonna say vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob. 34 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,026 - But that's the correct... - Yeah. 35 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,060 - [SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? 36 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,065 - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? 37 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,294 It's Jess 38 00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:49,435 Look, Nick, I need help. Tell me about Coach. What's up with him? 39 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:53,373 - What does he like? What's he dislike? - Coach 101: He's watching basketball. 40 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:57,414 That's all he's gonna do from October till June. His team's the Pistons. 41 00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,348 They were great in the '80s, then we got Jordan. 42 00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:03,078 Then they started getting good. Then we got Thibodeau. 43 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,622 - And he knows that. - Genius. Basketball. That's my way in. 44 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,691 You don't know about basketball. 45 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:11,125 - Come on. - You refer to it as "baskets-ball." 46 00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:13,355 That's the technically correct term, Nick. 47 00:02:13,566 --> 00:02:16,126 There are two baskets. I'm an English teacher. 48 00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:17,961 Basketball's just the first step. 49 00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:20,765 We sit down, we watch a game, we have a few laughs. 50 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:25,206 Before you know it, we'll be digging into each other's pasts. 51 00:02:25,411 --> 00:02:28,608 - That's not how it works. - Childhoods, the friendship money shot. 52 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,613 Men watch sports so we don't have to talk about stuff. 53 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,285 - No. - It's a real thing. 54 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,785 And the game doesn't have deeper meaning. And there's no layers to it. 55 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,084 If I'm talking about a player overcoming the defense to win... 56 00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:42,557 ...that's not like I'm overcoming it. - Come on. 57 00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,491 Not only that, I'm a Bulls fan. 58 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:47,131 - Right, I don't understand. - It's rivalries. 59 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:50,131 - Sharks and cats. - Yankees, Red Sox. 60 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:53,635 - Whales and Dolphins. - Pistons fan, Bulls fan, end of discussion. 61 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,502 I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert. 62 00:02:56,709 --> 00:03:00,668 Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Von Jert et Vajert situation. 63 00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:03,940 - So where do you do the marketing? - Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive. 64 00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:07,586 "Where do we do the marketing?" We do the marketing everywhere. 65 00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:11,951 You'll wanna take notes. You're about to see life happen at the speed of business. 66 00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:13,147 - Schmidt. - Hello, Kim. 67 00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:16,795 I have a task for you. We got a new guy. I want you to show him around. 68 00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:18,463 - Who's this? - I'm shadowing... 69 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:22,499 Called my bluff. Don't care. Ed? Come meet Schmidt. 70 00:03:23,169 --> 00:03:24,431 Okey-dokey. 71 00:03:24,637 --> 00:03:27,265 That's the new guy? New compared to what, the moon? 72 00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:31,204 Here's what happened. Gwen turned 45, so we had to fire her. 73 00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:34,208 Obviously. So wait, Gwen's job is available? 74 00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:37,382 Yeah, but grandma turned around and filed an ageism lawsuit... 75 00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:40,485 ...so we hired Bran Flakes here to cover our ass. Just do it. 76 00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,314 - All right, I'll do it. - Here I am. 77 00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:45,958 Okay. I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted you to learn from the best. 78 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:49,185 Well, actually, they said your office was closest to the can. 79 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:51,863 I got a prostate the size of an avocado. 80 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,499 - "Closest to the can." - Do not write that down. 81 00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:56,430 Is it not closest to the can? 82 00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:57,625 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 83 00:03:57,837 --> 00:03:59,168 Yes. 84 00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:00,634 Hey... Whoa. 85 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:01,829 [COUGHS] 86 00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:03,736 It stays sealed off during basketball season. 87 00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:06,741 Plus, I dropped some olives under the bed. Can't reach them. 88 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,345 I got little pinchers. 89 00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:10,379 - Ha-ha-ha. - Yo, yo, oh, oh. 90 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,847 Hey, so... 91 00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:16,249 ...I was gonna watch the Pistons of Detroit game. 92 00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:19,049 Don't have the reach for that. Good thing I got legs. 93 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,851 - You like the Pistons? - Oh, yeah... 94 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,756 - Are you serious? - Yeah, I'm dead serious. 95 00:04:23,963 --> 00:04:25,225 - Agh! - So you in? 96 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,399 It'd be cool to watch it on a big TV. 97 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,397 - I found your olives. - Oh, you did? 98 00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:32,196 - Thought they were gonna be in ajar. - No. 99 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:36,107 This is a big part of the biz, my man. Networking. Face time. 100 00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:40,336 Making deals. Normally this would have a much sexier businessman's vibe. 101 00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:43,572 But not when I'm not dragging around this old drooling potato. 102 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:47,844 - Potato? Yeah, I could split a baked potato. - What a life you must've lead. 103 00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:51,751 - Tell us about the streetcar, will you? - It was a dynamite way to get around. 104 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,550 Get from Pasadena to the beach... 105 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,352 - Hey. - I'll take another of these. 106 00:04:55,561 --> 00:04:58,962 - Sure. - You know, I can't help but think that I am... 107 00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:02,066 ...just following another bad lead with this marketing thing. 108 00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:05,294 All I'm doing is taking a bunch of notes from Schmidt. 109 00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:08,598 What's this? "Seems befuddled and totally lucid"? 110 00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:11,572 - "Smells too clean"? - Those are just notes about Ed. 111 00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,942 That dude is way more interesting than marketing. 112 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,379 If I'm gonna take Gwen's job, become the next CIO of Ass Strat... 113 00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:21,951 ...I can't just embrace modernization. I gotta make babies with it. 114 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:26,649 Do you know what I mean? It's time to unveil my baby: Micro-marketing. 115 00:05:26,859 --> 00:05:30,625 Yeah, we target our messages directly to the individual consumer. 116 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:34,664 What a good idea. They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade for you... 117 00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:37,836 ...in the Jewish part of town. - That's right. The Jewish part. 118 00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:39,766 [ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV] 119 00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:42,167 COACH: Unh. - Nothing but net. 120 00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:45,902 Traditionally, "nothing but net" refers to hitting nothing but inside of the net. 121 00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:48,410 - Oh? - So, yeah, no. 122 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,339 Ah, time-out. 123 00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:52,244 Butt bump. 124 00:05:52,618 --> 00:05:54,245 - What? - I'm ready. 125 00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:56,479 - What's a butt...? - Come on. 126 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,452 All right. 127 00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:01,149 - Hey, hey. What is that? - It's the Pistons butt bump. 128 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:05,354 I didn't know your girlfriend was a Pistons fan. Ha, ha. That's gotta suck for you, man. 129 00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:09,796 But I guess everything sucks for you when you root for the Bulls. Ah, ha! 130 00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:11,970 - Butt bump. Ooh. - Ooh. 131 00:06:12,171 --> 00:06:14,537 Cool, cool, cool. So you're a Pistons fan, Jess? 132 00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:15,935 [MOUTHS] It's working. 133 00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:18,440 - Suck it, Bulls. - Yeah, suck it, Bulls. 134 00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:22,944 COACH: The worst team in the league. - It's the worst team in the league. All right. 135 00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,640 - Who's the worst team in the league? Ha, ha. - The Bulls. 136 00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:29,618 [SINGING] The Bulls are the worst team in the league 137 00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:32,616 Hey. 138 00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:36,351 So it went really well today. 139 00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:39,462 I think Coach and I are really connecting. 140 00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:42,167 Come on, what is that? 141 00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:45,728 What do you mean? 142 00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:47,565 What? Oh, Coach gave this to me. 143 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:49,401 How cute is this shirt? 144 00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:52,475 Don't take this wrong, but I need you to get out of my bed. 145 00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:55,647 - Because of this shirt? - Hundred percent because of the shirt. 146 00:06:55,848 --> 00:06:59,011 - Oh, you're serious. - Can't have you in my bed in a Pistons shirt. 147 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:01,413 - Oh, my God. - I need you to get out of the bed. 148 00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:04,883 - I tried being cool, but it's not cool. - Really? 149 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,524 - Really. - It's just basketball. 150 00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:09,889 - Why are you taking this personally? - Because it's personal, Jess. 151 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,826 It's my team. It's the city that I'm from. 152 00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:15,000 It's most of my relationship with my dad. 153 00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:20,400 RIP, by the way. Michael Jordan is the first man that taught me that I could love a man. 154 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,437 And the Pistons are our rivals. 155 00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:26,167 They're like in Hamlet, the McCauls and the Hackspears. 156 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:29,371 You're my girlfriend now, so you gotta be a Bulls fan. 157 00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:32,745 That's the whole point. Coach just thinks of me as your girlfriend. 158 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:36,319 I want him to know me for me. Do you want me to be friends with Coach? 159 00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,422 L... I absolutely do. Yes. 160 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:42,788 Why can't I be a Pistons fan until we become friends, and then switch to the Bulls? 161 00:07:42,995 --> 00:07:46,624 Every year you pick a new team? You meet a new friend, you're a fan of that? 162 00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:49,358 - I could never trust you. - Can we just have sex now? 163 00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,969 I'm sorry, you can't be a Pistons fan, I forbid it. 164 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,936 - It has to be this way. - You can't forbid me to do stuff. 165 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,474 That's just not... That's not within your power. 166 00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:00,576 - I just did. - The shirt stays. 167 00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:04,409 Jessica, you're leaving me no options. I'm gonna have to turn off the tap. 168 00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:06,585 - What tap? - The sex tap. 169 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,248 - But I need my vitamin D. - As long as you're wearing that shirt... 170 00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:14,585 ...the tap is off. No more hot water. 171 00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:18,753 All right, fine then. My shirt and I will go sleep in my bed. 172 00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:26,999 Oh, what happened to your Pistons jersey? 173 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,175 Did you rip it off and rush in here because she gotta have it? 174 00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:32,606 - Is this still a thing? - It's still a thing. 175 00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:34,837 No sex as long as you're a Pistons fan. 176 00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:37,675 You can't use sex to manipulate... What are you doing? 177 00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:39,579 Just brushing my dirty teeth. 178 00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:44,517 - They're filthy. - Do not challenge me to a sex standoff. 179 00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:48,784 I can channel sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through school? 180 00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:53,591 It's good when you go fast and then slow. Make the teeth wait for it. 181 00:08:53,799 --> 00:08:55,562 - You're on. - Ah...! 182 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:57,797 Oh! Oh! 183 00:08:58,004 --> 00:08:59,369 BOTH: Oh! 184 00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:02,370 - Yeah. Turnover. Go. Go. - Yeah. Dunk it from the downtown. 185 00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:04,099 Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith? 186 00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:07,677 You better listen to my friend, she knows what she's talking about. 187 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,314 - Did you just call me your friend? - Mm? 188 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,017 What's up, guys? 189 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,778 Two minutes in and the Pistons are already down by 10. 190 00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,887 - What a drag. - The heck are you wearing? 191 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,551 - This my Scottie Pippens, yeah. - [MOUTHS] Get out. 192 00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:22,158 I'm just checking up on you. Need a refresher? 193 00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:25,125 - You need your vitamin D? - No. 194 00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:30,195 Jessica. 195 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,995 - Three-point play! - Oh, yeah! 196 00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:35,503 - That's what I'm talking about. - We're talking about the same thing... 197 00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:37,505 ...my friend and I. 198 00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:41,779 Do my berries make you hungry? 199 00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:43,546 [SPITS] 200 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,875 Mm. 201 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:48,076 - Refreshing. - Just drink the water, Nick. 202 00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:51,984 - You're turning yourself on now. - I really am, yeah. 203 00:09:52,725 --> 00:09:54,090 Next order of business... 204 00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:58,559 Kim, if I may present an idea very quickly to the group. Now, I know... 205 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,163 - Micro-marketing. - What? 206 00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:04,894 Has this company ever considered targeting its messages to individual consumers? 207 00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:07,436 Big date is knocking. Let's open the door. 208 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,198 - Just a thought. - Interesting. 209 00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:12,844 Ed, look into that and present it to the board ASAP. Great job. 210 00:10:13,045 --> 00:10:15,513 I'd hug you, but you smell like a public library. 211 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:18,275 - What are you doing? - I may be dirty, but I play old. 212 00:10:18,484 --> 00:10:19,542 You said that wrong. 213 00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:22,880 And yet I got my paw wrapped around your avocados. 214 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:25,819 What is with you and avocados? Sorry. 215 00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:30,852 - You're never gonna believe what Ed did. - He stabbed you in the back. 216 00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:34,555 - That's what happened. How'd you do that? - I figured him out, Schmidt. 217 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:39,136 That liver spot out-sharked me. Can you believe that? I'm... I'm a minnow. 218 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:43,069 Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board, and then he's gonna get... 219 00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:45,869 He's gonna get the promotion. My career is toast. 220 00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:48,546 Minnow toast. Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him. 221 00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:53,048 The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark and then lays down on the toast to be eaten. 222 00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:56,380 There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying. 223 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,422 It somewhat made... Oh, forget it. Ed wins. I'm a mess. 224 00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:02,788 Hell no, Schmidt. Justice has to be served, all right? 225 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:04,826 - Mm-hm. - Right. Let us stop Ed. 226 00:11:05,031 --> 00:11:09,730 The minnow needs to get up off of... No. Off of the toast mat... 227 00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:13,769 ...and fish-fight his way to the Orangutan Ball. 228 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:20,403 I just don't understand why they keep giving these games away! 229 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:23,343 You know what it was? That turnover in the third quarter. 230 00:11:23,549 --> 00:11:25,016 - Right. - Yeah. I'll show you. 231 00:11:25,217 --> 00:11:28,516 - I could just take your word for it. - Let's do it from the beginning. 232 00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:30,586 You wanna watch the game we just watched... 233 00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:32,257 ...all over again? - Mm-hm. 234 00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:34,426 - With both overtimes? - Mm-hm. 235 00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:37,151 Great. 236 00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:48,667 - Looking for somebody? - Just doing a bed check. 237 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:52,640 And you are accounted for, so... 238 00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:55,006 - See you. - So how's it going? 239 00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:58,780 - You guys bonding over basketball, Jess? - We're actually this close... 240 00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:01,953 ...to moving past basketball and into real friendship, so... 241 00:12:02,154 --> 00:12:03,553 - Great. - Feeling good about it. 242 00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:07,192 After the Pistons lost, did he get really sad and talk to you about it? 243 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,453 About how he felt, and you guys became besties after? 244 00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:13,655 Or did that not happen because that's not the way men are? 245 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,333 The Pistons lost so you must be feeling pretty good. 246 00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:20,061 - Oh, I'm happy. Heh, yeah. - Yeah? 247 00:12:20,272 --> 00:12:21,796 - You feeling excited? - Mm-hm. 248 00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:23,304 - Worked up? - Yeah. 249 00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:25,401 Ready to cave? 250 00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:27,203 - I've never been stronger. - Oh, yeah? 251 00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:33,845 So if I just read you a description of what a piston does, you know, on my phone... 252 00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:37,045 ...it wouldn't affect you at all? Is that what you're saying? 253 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:42,956 It's just a rod that transfers, unh, force... 254 00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:44,356 ...from the crank... 255 00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:47,760 What is this, a seduction class for kindergarteners? 256 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,991 Watch the master work. 257 00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:51,893 Unh. Unh. 258 00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:53,435 Ooh. 259 00:12:56,575 --> 00:12:58,475 How about this? 260 00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:06,243 A little Paula Abdul stuff? 261 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:08,682 Ooh. 262 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,924 - Yeah. We doing this? - Ha, ha. 263 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:14,251 - Ha! - What are you doing? 264 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,952 Ball's in my court now, pal. Ha, ha! 265 00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:21,895 I'm turning off my tap until you become a Pistons fan. 266 00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:24,797 - That wasn't part of the deal. - It is now. 267 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,113 SCHMIDT: I can't figure out my counterstrike, Winston. 268 00:13:35,347 --> 00:13:37,645 All we know about Ed is he's old and cranky. 269 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:40,876 And he baffles me because I'm so darn young and pleasant. 270 00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:43,816 We just gotta get insight into his old, cranky mind. 271 00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:47,822 - We have to find an older, crankier mind. - How are we gonna find an older mind? 272 00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:50,995 Hey, where you guys getting your photos developed these days? 273 00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,564 I got these beefcake selfies that I wanna dangle in front of Jess. 274 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,098 Get her engine revved up. 275 00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:58,497 Your phone has a camera, Nick. 276 00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:00,763 These are sexy, sensual, private pics. 277 00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:03,669 I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket. 278 00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:06,242 I'm not going through Wikiwigs. It's not for me. 279 00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:10,848 - Analog, it's the only thing you can trust. - Care to elaborate on this analog thing? 280 00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:13,608 You never know what's gonna happen with a phone. 281 00:14:13,819 --> 00:14:16,151 - Right. - The hinges that hold the flip together... 282 00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,687 - Flip. ...they get loosened over time. 283 00:14:18,891 --> 00:14:20,017 Then once you open it... 284 00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:23,491 ...it's easier for people to go in and see your passwords and codes. 285 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,631 Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse. 286 00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:28,527 It's out there for everyone to see. 287 00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:31,202 All these little monkey elves, these kids. That's all they do. 288 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:32,392 [BABBLES] 289 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,403 Get your information. Bottom line is you can't control your technology. 290 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:38,099 That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots. 291 00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:40,335 Not for me. That's why I trust a hard copy. 292 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,480 - Plain and simple. - Hard copy, Schmidt. 293 00:14:42,681 --> 00:14:43,978 - Nice work. - Thank you. 294 00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:47,482 You know, if you're gonna be taking boudoir shots, please consult me. 295 00:14:47,686 --> 00:14:51,713 I have a series of poses that many people, including myself, find very sexy. 296 00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:54,825 Here's one. I call it the half nelson. 297 00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:57,858 - Yeah, I didn't do that. - This is called Guy Fieri. 298 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:00,691 - Just taste the sauces. - Black licorice. 299 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,529 - Ooh. Yeah. - You're welcome. 300 00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:07,333 - Schmidt's dead wrong. - Oh, yeah? 301 00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:09,336 - I got hot pics in here. - I don't care. 302 00:15:09,541 --> 00:15:13,534 There's me as a sexy mayor, looking out the window deciding the future of my city. 303 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:17,614 It's gotta get her going. Daddy needs his cookie. 304 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:21,342 - Just wear the damn Pistons jersey. - Oh, my God, I've gotta end this. 305 00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:25,757 What time is it? Ha-ha-ha. 306 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:29,853 - Game time. Ha-ha-ha. - Yeah. 307 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,830 It's my favorite time, other than medieval time. 308 00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:36,365 Yeah, all right. Huh? 309 00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:38,058 - What the? - What the...? 310 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,830 - Let me see what's wrong. - No, I'll do it. It's okay. 311 00:15:41,173 --> 00:15:42,265 [GASPS] 312 00:15:42,474 --> 00:15:48,344 No! Oh, my God, a mouse... Rat or... Some creature. 313 00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:51,710 - I gotta go watch it in my room. - Wait, no, no, no, Coach, Coach. 314 00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:56,354 Look, since we can't watch the game, why don't we have a nice long chat over coffee? 315 00:15:56,555 --> 00:15:58,420 - What? - You know, just talk, hang out. 316 00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:00,855 - What? - Then coffee turns to dinner... 317 00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:05,224 ...dinner turns to weekly dinner, and before you know it, I'm best man at your wedding. 318 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,296 Do we have to? 319 00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,026 I really want... Okay. 320 00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:18,270 - You start. - Me? 321 00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:22,606 Hey, you wanna do this over food? 322 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,112 Yes. Yes. 323 00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,944 No. No, no, no. 324 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:31,145 No! Come on. Get your head out of your ass so you can see where you're going. 325 00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:32,346 Damn it. Agh! 326 00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:33,547 - Okay. - What? 327 00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:36,592 I have to say it. Coach, l... 328 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,889 - I don't like basketball. - What? 329 00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:41,794 There's like no fun parts. 330 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,559 There's no themes. 331 00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:45,999 Men should not be wearing tank tops ever. 332 00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,564 Why you pretending to like basketball? 333 00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:50,833 - Because I wanted to be friends with you. - Dude. 334 00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:54,740 You're my buddy's girlfriend. We're watching the game. What's the problem? 335 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:58,246 - What else do you want? - No, you're right. I'm just... 336 00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:00,611 I'm just Nick's girlfriend, so... 337 00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:02,810 Enjoy the game. Okay. 338 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,751 - Where you going? - I'm just... 339 00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:06,686 [MUTTERING] 340 00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:08,484 Jess, where you...? 341 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,120 Jess. 342 00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:14,288 Ladies, you all look like a hundred bucks. I hope someone's taking you out... 343 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,195 ...for oysters Rockefeller tonight. 344 00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:20,930 Before I begin, my little helper here will distribute some handouts for your reference. 345 00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:24,598 You know what? I'm really sorry, the company printers are on the fritz... 346 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:29,338 ...so little helper that I am, decided to load everything up onto the laptop. 347 00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:34,308 There you go. 348 00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:41,982 Ha, ha. Well, I'm sure there's a printer that works. I'll just wait for the hard copies. 349 00:17:42,194 --> 00:17:43,354 I broke all the printers. 350 00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,962 I'm gonna beat you with an orange in a sock. 351 00:17:46,165 --> 00:17:48,633 Besides, we're talking about technology, aren't we? 352 00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:51,632 Be silly to talk about technology without using technology. 353 00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:53,668 - Right, Kim? - Use the technology, Ed. 354 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,764 [CLEARS THROAT] 355 00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:59,203 [HUMMING] 356 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,146 My left arm. My neck. 357 00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:11,047 You got me this time, Hebrew, but I'll be back. 358 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,918 This is why the cutoff's at 45, ladies. 359 00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:16,988 [GASPING] 360 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,831 Okay, okay. 361 00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:26,735 Jess, you win. I'm all backed up. 362 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,375 I'm even fantasizing about Winston. 363 00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:32,840 - Where is she, dude? - Ha-ha-ha! 364 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,673 - Don't do that laugh. - Ha! 365 00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:38,782 - What are you wearing, dude? - It's for sex. 366 00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:41,782 - [SING-SONGY] You like the Pistons. - Why don't you shut up, Coach? 367 00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:43,215 [LAUGHING] 368 00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:45,447 - Where's Jess? - What is up with that girl? 369 00:18:45,657 --> 00:18:49,616 One minute we're watching the game, next, she's calling me ajerk and storming out. 370 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,422 She wants to be your friend. Any idiot can see that. 371 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:56,192 We were being friends. We were watching the game. It was an awesome game. 372 00:18:56,401 --> 00:18:58,733 - Okay, maybe she wants more than that. - Like what? 373 00:18:58,937 --> 00:19:00,564 - You wanna know a trick? - Absolutely. 374 00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:01,932 This is how you get in. 375 00:19:02,174 --> 00:19:05,701 Know when you're driving in your car and you have a random thought like: 376 00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:09,574 - "I wonder if seals are friends"? - Yeah. Or like: 377 00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:11,942 "I wanna text but there's a cop behind me." 378 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,881 - That's not the one. - Why'd T. Rex have little arms? 379 00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:16,281 Don't finish. I knew... 380 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,888 An itch in their crotch, how did they scratch it? 381 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:21,116 I mean more sweet kind of emotional stuff. 382 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:24,261 Like, if you combed a gorilla's hair, would it like it? 383 00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:27,921 - Like, I've never seen a baby pigeon before. - Exactly. 384 00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:30,465 Tell that to her and you get a friend for life. 385 00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:34,397 Now, excuse me, sex awaits. 386 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,908 Jess, you win. 387 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:40,567 I wanna take you, respectfully. 388 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:50,887 - Come here. - Take the jersey off. Actually, leave it on. 389 00:19:54,293 --> 00:19:55,521 Oh. 390 00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:57,819 SCHMIDT: To Winston. - Hear, hear. 391 00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:01,898 As a thank you, I'd like to get you ajob at Ass Strat. I'll make you a real Ass man. 392 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,397 Mm... 393 00:20:03,602 --> 00:20:07,834 I don't know, man. I kind of liked the part where we just get to analyze evidence. 394 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,803 - Connect the dots a little bit. - Yeah. 395 00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:13,444 - Live inside someone else's mind. - Spoken like a true marketing analyst. 396 00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:16,273 I don't know. I kind of wanna be free of a desk as well. 397 00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:18,881 Roam the streets a little bit. Sniff out clues. 398 00:20:19,084 --> 00:20:23,180 - You guys get doughnuts in the morning? - You ever thought of being a cop? 399 00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,549 - I think you'd be great. - I can see it. 400 00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:27,782 I was thinking the exact same thing. 401 00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:31,690 You've already got high cholesterol and weird people skills. Officer Bishop. 402 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:35,333 - I like the way that sounds. - It'd be nice to justify that mustache. 403 00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:36,865 It's a hell of a mustache. 404 00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:42,735 - What's that mean? That was from a movie. - Training Day's my favorite movie. 405 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:46,240 - Understand that's not what being a cop is? - I wanna drop fools. 406 00:20:46,478 --> 00:20:49,413 - Lf you think this means you can yell at me... - You damn right. 407 00:20:49,615 --> 00:20:51,446 That's what that means. I apologize. 408 00:20:52,484 --> 00:20:53,473 Jess. 409 00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:56,243 [SINGS] Jessica Day 410 00:20:56,521 --> 00:21:00,048 I just wanna say that, um, I would love to be your friend. 411 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,159 I know I'm crazy about the Pistons... 412 00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:05,853 ...but it's because Detroit was the city I lived in the longest as a kid. 413 00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:08,828 I lived in like six different states by the time I was 10. 414 00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:11,935 At a certain point I just stopped trying to make friends. 415 00:21:12,137 --> 00:21:13,627 Agh. 416 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,262 [GRUNTS] 417 00:21:15,474 --> 00:21:17,032 I got real comfy on that. 418 00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:19,099 - Really? - A lot easier saying... 419 00:21:19,311 --> 00:21:21,973 ...bye to your buddy's girlfriend than it is your friend. 420 00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:28,050 Well, I'm not gonna be saying goodbye to you anytime soon. Except for right now. 421 00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:31,213 Gonna do a butt bump? 422 00:21:32,090 --> 00:21:35,059 Butt...? You're probably doing your own butt bumps. 423 00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:37,854 Cool. I know you guys are already done. Ripped By mstoll