1
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:20,248
♪ Oh, snap, snap, ♪

2
00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:22,354
- ♪ Oh, snap, snap. ♪
- Wow...

3
00:00:22,374 --> 00:00:23,990
- That sounds pretty good.
- Thank you.

4
00:00:24,005 --> 00:00:25,150
Hey, listen. Schmidt,

5
00:00:25,175 --> 00:00:27,855
I've been kinda stuck on this
whole career search thing.

6
00:00:27,888 --> 00:00:29,760
- Oh. - You think I'd
be good at advertising?

7
00:00:29,774 --> 00:00:33,337
- I mean, that's what you do, right?
- Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer.

8
00:00:33,449 --> 00:00:35,402
A fat moron falling
down the stairs.

9
00:00:35,415 --> 00:00:38,527
A snot-nosed brat kicking his
rapping grandpa in the testicles.

10
00:00:38,533 --> 00:00:40,946
(Laughing) The rapping
grandpa kills me, though.

11
00:00:40,959 --> 00:00:44,219
I am in marketing, Winston.
The backbone of capitalism.

12
00:00:44,232 --> 00:00:46,580
- Without it, you'd be dead in two days.
- I could be good at that.

13
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,758
Probably not, but you can shadow
me at work today to find out.

14
00:00:48,777 --> 00:00:52,298
Yeah! Team drug store,
back from mission.

15
00:00:52,318 --> 00:00:55,541
- Drug store, right, Coach?
- Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?

16
00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:57,563
- Jess: Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff.
- Thanks.

17
00:00:57,576 --> 00:00:59,536
So, same time next week, right?

18
00:00:59,563 --> 00:01:02,563
Team drug store? We'll go
again to the drug store?

19
00:01:02,587 --> 00:01:06,282
Team drug store? Ugh!
God! What a walnut!

20
00:01:06,304 --> 00:01:07,511
(Scoffs)

21
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,895
It's been two months we've
been living with him,

22
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,100
and I have yet to crack him.

23
00:01:11,118 --> 00:01:14,516
It's like we just spent an hour together.
It was, like, nothing, no connection.

24
00:01:14,544 --> 00:01:16,711
And don't tell me it's in
my mind, because it's not.

25
00:01:16,717 --> 00:01:18,251
We ran into one of his friends,

26
00:01:18,276 --> 00:01:20,410
and Coach said the
meanest thing about me.

27
00:01:20,425 --> 00:01:23,612
Check these out. Can you believe
these are for glaucoma?

28
00:01:23,977 --> 00:01:25,740
She's my buddy's girlfriend.

29
00:01:28,514 --> 00:01:30,414
You are my girlfriend.
What's the big deal?

30
00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:32,694
I want him to think of me
as his friend.

31
00:01:32,711 --> 00:01:34,587
- Oh, I hear that.
- Well, it'll happen if it's meant to.

32
00:01:34,606 --> 00:01:35,880
I need to find a way in.

33
00:01:35,893 --> 00:01:39,193
I found a way to force myself into all
of your lives. You just didn't know it.

34
00:01:39,213 --> 00:01:42,652
- Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas.
- (Laughs) I like the butt flap.

35
00:01:42,683 --> 00:01:44,287
You really think mine was food?

36
00:01:44,315 --> 00:01:48,219
I can think of five other reasons
I wanted to be your friend.

37
00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:49,715
Boob, boob, vagina,
butt cheek, butt cheek.

38
00:01:49,733 --> 00:01:50,660
In that order?

39
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:53,457
Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina,
butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob."

40
00:01:53,469 --> 00:01:55,295
- Yeah, but that's the correct...
- That's the order, yeah.

41
00:01:55,753 --> 00:01:58,521
♪ Who's that girl?
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪

42
00:01:58,541 --> 00:01:59,881
♪ Who's that girl?

43
00:01:59,894 --> 00:02:01,795
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪
♪ It's Jess.

44
00:02:01,941 --> 00:02:03,696
Jess:
Look, Nick, I need help.

45
00:02:03,733 --> 00:02:05,913
Like, tell me about Coach.
Like, what's up with him?

46
00:02:05,932 --> 00:02:08,477
- What does he like? What does
he dislike? - Well, Coach 101 is,

47
00:02:08,497 --> 00:02:09,645
he's watching basketball.

48
00:02:09,668 --> 00:02:13,039
And that's all he's gonna do from October
till June. His team's the Pistons.

49
00:02:14,027 --> 00:02:16,778
I mean, they were great in the
'80s, but then we got Jordan.

50
00:02:16,799 --> 00:02:19,072
Then they started getting good.
Then we got Thibodeau.

51
00:02:19,078 --> 00:02:20,892
What you gonna do now?
And he knows that.

52
00:02:20,911 --> 00:02:22,884
That's genius. Basketball.
That's my way in.

53
00:02:22,905 --> 00:02:25,307
Basketball's not your in. You don't
know anything about basketball.

54
00:02:25,327 --> 00:02:27,379
- Come on.
- You refer to it as "basketsball."

55
00:02:27,404 --> 00:02:29,797
Well, that's the
technically-correct term, Nick.

56
00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:32,777
There are two baskets.
I'm an English teacher.

57
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,407
Basketball's just
the first step.

58
00:02:34,425 --> 00:02:37,098
We sit down, we watch a game.
We have a few laughs.

59
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,010
Before you know it,

60
00:02:39,036 --> 00:02:41,476
we'll be digging into
each other's pasts.

61
00:02:41,496 --> 00:02:43,629
- That's not how it works, though.
- Childhoods, Nick.

62
00:02:43,646 --> 00:02:44,974
That's the friendship
money shot.

63
00:02:44,987 --> 00:02:47,739
Men watch sports so we don't have
to talk about childhood stuff.

64
00:02:47,766 --> 00:02:49,739
- No.
- It's a real thing.

65
00:02:49,773 --> 00:02:51,492
And the game doesn't even
have deeper meaning.

66
00:02:51,518 --> 00:02:53,278
- Come on.
- And there's no layers to it.

67
00:02:53,297 --> 00:02:56,549
If I'm talking about a player
overcoming the defense to win,

68
00:02:56,562 --> 00:02:58,557
- ...that's not like I'm overcoming it.
- No. Come on.

69
00:02:58,576 --> 00:03:01,132
Not only that. He's a Pistons
fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.

70
00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:02,543
Right. I don't
understand, no.

71
00:03:02,562 --> 00:03:04,833
- It's rivalries.
- Sharks and cats.

72
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:08,193
- Yankees, Red Sox.
- Whales and dolphins.

73
00:03:08,212 --> 00:03:09,725
Pistons fan, Bulls fan.
End of discussion.

74
00:03:09,748 --> 00:03:12,846
I get it. Jean
Valjean and Javert.

75
00:03:12,869 --> 00:03:17,006
Yeah, definitely. This is like a
<i>Jean Vanjer</i> and <i>Vajer</i> situation.

76
00:03:17,034 --> 00:03:20,502
- So, where do you do the marketing?
- Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive.

77
00:03:20,515 --> 00:03:22,878
Where do we do the marketing?
We do the marketing everywhere.

78
00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:25,842
Now, you're gonna want to
take notes on everything I do,

79
00:03:25,855 --> 00:03:28,075
'cause you're about to see life
happen at the speed of business.

80
00:03:28,095 --> 00:03:30,522
- Schmidt. I have a task for you.
- Hi, Kim.

81
00:03:30,549 --> 00:03:33,049
We got a new guy, and I want
you to show him around.

82
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:33,806
Wait. Who's this?

83
00:03:33,831 --> 00:03:36,484
- Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt.
- Called my bluff. Don't care...

84
00:03:36,529 --> 00:03:39,342
Ed...? Come meet Schmidt.

85
00:03:39,364 --> 00:03:40,747
Okeydokey.

86
00:03:40,802 --> 00:03:43,485
That's the new guy? "New"
compared to what, the moon?

87
00:03:43,516 --> 00:03:47,681
Here's what happened. Gwen turned
45, so we had to fire her.

88
00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:51,001
Obviously. So, wait.
Gwen's job is available?

89
00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:53,732
Yeah, but then grandma turned
around and filed an ageism lawsuit,

90
00:03:53,752 --> 00:03:56,139
so we hired Bran Flakes
here to cover our ass.

91
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:57,499
- Just do it.
- All right, I'll do it.

92
00:03:57,515 --> 00:03:59,708
- Well, here I am.
- Okay.

93
00:03:59,736 --> 00:04:02,089
I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted
you to learn from the best.

94
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:05,282
Well, actually, they said your
office was closest to the can.

95
00:04:05,304 --> 00:04:07,962
I got a prostate the
size of an avacada.

96
00:04:07,982 --> 00:04:11,095
- "Closest to the can."
- Do not write that down, Winston!

97
00:04:11,116 --> 00:04:12,789
Is it not closest to the can?

98
00:04:12,807 --> 00:04:14,076
(Indistinct voice
on TV, knocking)

99
00:04:14,101 --> 00:04:15,467
Yes!

100
00:04:15,757 --> 00:04:17,565
Hey. Whoa.

101
00:04:17,595 --> 00:04:20,075
- (Coughs) - I stay sealed off
during basketball season.

102
00:04:20,215 --> 00:04:22,732
Plus, I, uh, dropped some olives
under the bed, can't reach 'em.

103
00:04:22,751 --> 00:04:24,793
Oh. I got little pinchers.

104
00:04:24,871 --> 00:04:26,891
- (Laughs) - Okay. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yoom.

105
00:04:26,923 --> 00:04:28,836
Hey, so...

106
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:32,603
I was gonna watch the, uh,
Pistons of Detroit game.

107
00:04:32,619 --> 00:04:35,259
Don't really have the reach for that.
(Grunts) Good thing I got legs.

108
00:04:35,278 --> 00:04:36,831
- Wait. You like the Pistons?
- Oh, yeah.

109
00:04:36,856 --> 00:04:38,883
- Just like you.
- Are you serious?!

110
00:04:39,038 --> 00:04:40,865
- Yeah, I'm dead serious.
- Aw!

111
00:04:40,891 --> 00:04:43,289
- So, you in?
- Be cool to watch it on a big TV.

112
00:04:43,978 --> 00:04:45,512
- I found your olives.
- Oh, you did?

113
00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:47,947
- Thought they were
gonna be in a jar. - No.

114
00:04:49,465 --> 00:04:51,206
This is a big part
of the biz, my man.

115
00:04:51,218 --> 00:04:53,360
Networking, face
time, making deals.

116
00:04:53,379 --> 00:04:56,753
Normally, this would have a much
sexier, businessman's vibe.

117
00:04:56,774 --> 00:05:00,070
But not when I'm dragging around
this old drooling potato.

118
00:05:00,103 --> 00:05:02,703
Potata? Yeah, I can
split a baked potata.

119
00:05:02,715 --> 00:05:05,508
What a life you must have lead.
Tell us about the street car, will you?

120
00:05:05,525 --> 00:05:07,486
Oh, it was a dynamite
way to get around.

121
00:05:07,492 --> 00:05:09,896
- Mm-hmm.
- Pasadena to to the beach...

122
00:05:09,921 --> 00:05:11,714
- Hey.
- I'll take another one of these.

123
00:05:11,741 --> 00:05:13,901
- Sure. - You know, Cece,
I can't help but think

124
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:18,650
that I am just following another
bad lead with this marketing thing.

125
00:05:18,672 --> 00:05:21,223
All I'm doing is taking a
bunch of notes for Schmidt.

126
00:05:21,807 --> 00:05:24,934
What's this? "Seems befuddled
and totally lucid"?

127
00:05:25,190 --> 00:05:27,789
- "Smells too clean"?
- Those were just notes about Ed.

128
00:05:27,974 --> 00:05:30,955
I'll tell you what. That dude is way
more interesting than marketing.

129
00:05:31,346 --> 00:05:34,915
If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and
become the next CIO of Ass-Strat,

130
00:05:34,941 --> 00:05:37,281
I can't just embrace
modernization.

131
00:05:37,301 --> 00:05:39,413
I got to make babies with it.
Do you know what I mean?

132
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:43,176
It's time to unveil my baby.
Micro-marketing.

133
00:05:43,256 --> 00:05:47,143
Yeah, we target our messages
directly to the individual consumer.

134
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,041
What a good idea.

135
00:05:49,154 --> 00:05:52,607
They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade
for you in the Jewish part of town.

136
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:54,449
That's right.
In the Jewish part of town.

137
00:05:54,460 --> 00:05:55,760
(Indistinct voices on TV)

138
00:05:56,088 --> 00:05:58,740
- Mm.
- Nothing but net.

139
00:05:58,804 --> 00:06:02,126
Traditionally, "Nothing but net" refers
to hitting nothing but <i>inside</i> of the net.

140
00:06:02,148 --> 00:06:04,391
- Oh?
- Ah, so, yeah, no.

141
00:06:04,514 --> 00:06:06,643
(Horn blares on TV)
Oh, time-out.

142
00:06:06,917 --> 00:06:08,279
Butt bump.

143
00:06:08,931 --> 00:06:09,638
What?

144
00:06:09,664 --> 00:06:11,858
- I'm ready.
- What? The butt...? Oh.

145
00:06:11,882 --> 00:06:14,156
- Come on.
- All right.

146
00:06:14,564 --> 00:06:17,477
- Hey! Hey! What is that?
- It's the Pistons butt bump.

147
00:06:17,490 --> 00:06:19,641
I didn't know your girlfriend
was a Pistons fan.

148
00:06:19,660 --> 00:06:20,347
(Laughs)

149
00:06:20,366 --> 00:06:21,773
That's got to suck for you, man.

150
00:06:21,789 --> 00:06:24,922
But I guess everything sucks for
you when you root for the Bulls.

151
00:06:24,942 --> 00:06:26,062
(Laughs)

152
00:06:26,082 --> 00:06:28,025
- Butt bump! Ah.
- Ah. Ooh.

153
00:06:28,045 --> 00:06:31,870
Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're
a Pistons fan now, Jess?

154
00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:34,911
- Coach: Suck it, Bulls!
- Yeah. Suck it, Bulls!

155
00:06:34,924 --> 00:06:36,257
Coach: The worst
team in the League,

156
00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:39,222
- the Bulls. - Oh, it's the worst
team in the League, all right.

157
00:06:39,244 --> 00:06:41,111
- Who is the worst team in
the League, Jess? - The Bulls.

158
00:06:41,136 --> 00:06:42,109
(Coach laughs)

159
00:06:42,123 --> 00:06:45,753
♪ The Bulls are the worst
team in the League. ♪

160
00:06:47,936 --> 00:06:49,241
Hey.

161
00:06:49,707 --> 00:06:52,472
So, went really well today.

162
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:55,312
I think Coach and I
are really connecting.

163
00:06:56,172 --> 00:06:57,896
Come on, what is that?

164
00:07:00,497 --> 00:07:02,135
What do you mean?

165
00:07:02,298 --> 00:07:05,767
What? Oh, Coach gave this
to me. How cute is this shirt?

166
00:07:05,929 --> 00:07:08,729
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm
gonna need you to get out of my bed.

167
00:07:08,754 --> 00:07:11,587
- Why? Because of the shirt?
- 100% because of the shirt.

168
00:07:12,171 --> 00:07:13,758
Oh, my God, you're serious.

169
00:07:13,771 --> 00:07:15,303
I can't have you in my
bed in a Pistons shirt.

170
00:07:15,321 --> 00:07:16,941
- Oh, my God! - I need you
to get out of the bed.

171
00:07:16,954 --> 00:07:18,487
- Jess, I need you to get
out of there. - (Scoffs)

172
00:07:18,497 --> 00:07:20,485
I tried being cool about
it, but it's not cool.

173
00:07:20,511 --> 00:07:21,445
- Really?
- Really.

174
00:07:21,467 --> 00:07:24,332
Nick, it's just basketball. Why
are you taking this personally?

175
00:07:24,358 --> 00:07:27,254
Because it's personal, Jess!
That's my team.

176
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,131
It's the city that I'm from.

177
00:07:29,396 --> 00:07:31,476
It's most of my
relationship with my dad.

178
00:07:31,501 --> 00:07:33,128
R.I.P., by the way.

179
00:07:33,147 --> 00:07:34,487
Michael Jordan.

180
00:07:34,515 --> 00:07:36,908
The first man that taught
me that I could love a man.

181
00:07:36,926 --> 00:07:39,739
And the Pistons are our rivals.
They're like in <i>Hamlet...</i>

182
00:07:39,764 --> 00:07:42,475
The McCalls and the...
Sh... Hacksperes.

183
00:07:42,941 --> 00:07:45,161
You're my girlfriend now, so...

184
00:07:45,186 --> 00:07:47,299
- You got to be a Bulls fan.
- That's the whole point, Nick.

185
00:07:47,325 --> 00:07:49,151
Coach just thinks of me
as your girlfriend,

186
00:07:49,171 --> 00:07:51,371
and I want him to
know me for me.

187
00:07:51,420 --> 00:07:54,480
- Do you want me to be friends with
Coach? - I-I absolutely do. Yes.

188
00:07:54,499 --> 00:07:57,922
So, then, why can't I be a Pistons
fan until we become friends,

189
00:07:58,118 --> 00:07:59,278
and then I'll switch
to the Bulls?

190
00:07:59,315 --> 00:08:00,782
So every year you can
just pick a new team?

191
00:08:00,787 --> 00:08:02,894
You meet a new friend,
you're a fan of that?

192
00:08:02,921 --> 00:08:05,462
- I could never trust you.
- Can we just have sex now, please?

193
00:08:05,475 --> 00:08:08,028
I'm sorry. You can't be
a Pistons fan. I forbid it.

194
00:08:08,295 --> 00:08:12,516
- It has to be this way.
- You can't forbid me to do stuff.

195
00:08:12,522 --> 00:08:14,692
That's just not... you...
That's not within your power.

196
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,451
- I just did.
- The shirt stays!

197
00:08:16,470 --> 00:08:19,143
Jessica, you're leaving
me no options here.

198
00:08:19,434 --> 00:08:21,801
- I'm gonna have to turn
off the tap. - What tap?

199
00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:23,325
The sex tap.

200
00:08:24,449 --> 00:08:26,968
- But I need my vitamin D.
- As long as you're wearing that shirt,

201
00:08:27,088 --> 00:08:28,574
the tap is off.

202
00:08:28,815 --> 00:08:31,896
- No more... hot water.
- All right, fine, then.

203
00:08:31,909 --> 00:08:35,027
My shirt and I will
go sleep in <i>my</i> bed.

204
00:08:35,545 --> 00:08:37,233
♪

205
00:08:41,089 --> 00:08:43,023
Nick: Oh. What happened
to your Pistons jersey?

206
00:08:43,042 --> 00:08:46,810
Did you rip it off and rush in here
'cause she got to have it? (Chuckles)

207
00:08:46,825 --> 00:08:49,038
- Look, is this still a thing?
- Oh, it's still a thing.

208
00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:51,117
No sex for you as long
as you're a Pistons fan.

209
00:08:51,136 --> 00:08:54,253
You can't use sex to manipulate...
What are you doing?

210
00:08:54,275 --> 00:08:56,275
Just brushing my dirty teeth.

211
00:08:56,771 --> 00:08:57,633
They're filthy.

212
00:08:57,645 --> 00:09:00,953
Nick, do not challenge
me to a sex standoff.

213
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:03,773
I can channel all my sexual
energy into knitting.

214
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,246
How do you think I made
it through high school?

215
00:09:05,273 --> 00:09:07,466
It's good when you go
fast and then slow.

216
00:09:07,485 --> 00:09:09,336
Make the teeth wait for it.

217
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:11,945
- You're on.
- Oh!

218
00:09:12,335 --> 00:09:14,122
Oh! Oh!

219
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,844
- Oh! Yeah!
- Oh! Yeah! Turnover!

220
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,651
- Dunk it from the downtown!
- Go! Go! Go!

221
00:09:18,665 --> 00:09:21,516
- Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith.
- You better listen to my friend.

222
00:09:21,535 --> 00:09:23,946
She knows exactly what
she's talking about!

223
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,877
Did you just call
me your friend?

224
00:09:25,921 --> 00:09:26,794
Hmm?

225
00:09:26,821 --> 00:09:28,235
What's up, guys?

226
00:09:28,379 --> 00:09:31,912
Ah, two minutes in, and the Pistons
are already down by ten. What a drag.

227
00:09:31,931 --> 00:09:33,692
What the heck are
you wearing, dude?

228
00:09:33,716 --> 00:09:35,703
Just my Scottie Pippens. Yeah.

229
00:09:35,723 --> 00:09:38,338
Oh, hey, I'm just checking up
on you. You frustrated at all?

230
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:41,676
- You need your... vitamin D?
- No.

231
00:09:41,729 --> 00:09:43,596
("Charge" plays on TV)

232
00:09:43,621 --> 00:09:44,771
(Crowd cheering on TV)

233
00:09:44,963 --> 00:09:46,423
Jessica...

234
00:09:46,449 --> 00:09:48,321
- Three-point play! Yes!
- Oh, yeah!

235
00:09:48,348 --> 00:09:51,579
- That's what I'm talking about!
- We are talking about the same thing...

236
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:53,238
My friend and I.

237
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:57,566
Do my berries make you hungry?

238
00:09:58,764 --> 00:09:59,864
(Spits)

239
00:10:00,231 --> 00:10:02,073
Mmm. Refreshing.

240
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,688
Just drink the water, Nick.

241
00:10:04,947 --> 00:10:07,420
- You're turning yourself on now.
- I really am, yeah.

242
00:10:07,449 --> 00:10:08,502
(Grunts)

243
00:10:08,522 --> 00:10:10,457
Okay, next order
of business is...

244
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:14,276
Kim, if I may, uh, present an
idea very quickly to the group.

245
00:10:14,295 --> 00:10:15,916
- While I know...
- Micro-marketing.

246
00:10:15,936 --> 00:10:16,696
What?

247
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,608
Has this company ever
considered targeting

248
00:10:18,628 --> 00:10:21,251
its message to
individual consumers?

249
00:10:21,432 --> 00:10:23,018
Big data's knocking.

250
00:10:23,043 --> 00:10:24,890
Let's open the door.
Just a thought.

251
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,915
Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that
and present it to the board asap.

252
00:10:27,941 --> 00:10:31,571
Great job. I'd hug you, but you
smell like a public library.

253
00:10:32,229 --> 00:10:34,912
- (Quietly): What are you doing?
- I may be dirty, but I play old.

254
00:10:34,932 --> 00:10:39,072
- You said that wrong. - And yet I got
my paw wrapped around your avacadas.

255
00:10:39,278 --> 00:10:41,192
What is with you and avacadas?

256
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:42,373
Sorry.

257
00:10:43,299 --> 00:10:45,548
You're never gonna believe
what Ed just did.

258
00:10:45,826 --> 00:10:47,086
He stabbed you in the back.

259
00:10:47,099 --> 00:10:49,245
Winston, that's exactly what
happened. How did you do that?

260
00:10:49,251 --> 00:10:50,817
I figured him out, Schmidt.

261
00:10:50,845 --> 00:10:53,260
Schmidt: That liver
spot out-sharked me.

262
00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:55,672
Can you believe that?
I'm-I'm a minnow.

263
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:58,517
Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present
my idea to the board,

264
00:10:58,530 --> 00:11:00,896
and then he's gonna get
the... get the promotion.

265
00:11:00,915 --> 00:11:03,504
My career is toast.
Minnow toast.

266
00:11:03,781 --> 00:11:05,180
Yeah, well, I tip
my hat to him.

267
00:11:05,193 --> 00:11:07,514
The minnow tips his
tiny hat to the shark,

268
00:11:07,532 --> 00:11:09,426
and then lays down on
the toast to be eaten.

269
00:11:09,446 --> 00:11:11,954
There is too much going on in
whatever metaphor you're trying.

270
00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:14,140
- Okay? It's too busy.
- Somewhat made se... Oh, forget it.

271
00:11:14,162 --> 00:11:17,229
- Ed wins. I'm a mess.
- Hell, no, Schmidt.

272
00:11:17,245 --> 00:11:19,212
Justice has to be
served, all right?

273
00:11:19,224 --> 00:11:21,351
- Mm-hmm.
- Right. Let us stop Ed.

274
00:11:21,375 --> 00:11:24,183
The minnow needs
to get up off of...

275
00:11:24,206 --> 00:11:26,366
No, off of the toast mat

276
00:11:26,380 --> 00:11:30,330
and fish-fight his way
to the orangutan ball.

277
00:11:32,051 --> 00:11:36,279
I just don't understand why they
keep giving these games away!

278
00:11:37,104 --> 00:11:39,792
You know what it was? It was that
turnover in the third quarter.

279
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,525
- Right.
- Yeah. I'll show you.

280
00:11:41,558 --> 00:11:44,896
- I can just take your word for it.
- Actually, let's do it from the beginning.

281
00:11:44,918 --> 00:11:48,031
You want to watch the game we
just watched all over again?

282
00:11:48,058 --> 00:11:50,235
- Mm-hmm.
- With both overtimes?

283
00:11:50,262 --> 00:11:51,648
Mm-hmm.

284
00:11:52,904 --> 00:11:54,058
Great.

285
00:12:02,804 --> 00:12:04,811
- Looking for somebody?
- Just doing a bed check.

286
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:08,233
And you are accounted for, so...

287
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,915
- (Clicks tongue) See you.
- So, how's it going?

288
00:12:11,822 --> 00:12:13,882
You guys bonding
over basketball, Jess?

289
00:12:13,894 --> 00:12:16,170
We're actually this
close to moving past

290
00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:18,422
basketball and into
real friendship, so...

291
00:12:18,437 --> 00:12:19,794
- Great.
- I'm feeling pretty good about it.

292
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,495
After the Pistons lost,

293
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,947
did he get really sad and
talk to you about it?

294
00:12:23,968 --> 00:12:26,962
About how he felt and you
guys became besties after?

295
00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:30,631
Or did that not happen because
that's not the way men are?

296
00:12:31,515 --> 00:12:34,549
The Pistons lost, so you
must be feeling pretty good.

297
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,180
- Oh, I'm happy, yeah.
- Yeah...?

298
00:12:36,199 --> 00:12:38,353
- You're feeling excited?
- Mm-hmm.

299
00:12:38,394 --> 00:12:40,036
- Worked up?
- Yeah.

300
00:12:40,712 --> 00:12:41,679
Ready to cave?

301
00:12:41,698 --> 00:12:43,851
- Oh, I've never been stronger.
- Oh, yeah?

302
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,920
So if I just read you
a description of...

303
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,433
Like, what a Piston
does, you know,

304
00:12:49,458 --> 00:12:51,685
on my phone, it wouldn't
affect you at all?

305
00:12:51,718 --> 00:12:53,312
Is that what you're saying?

306
00:12:53,613 --> 00:12:55,742
It's just a rod

307
00:12:55,769 --> 00:12:59,362
that transfers, uh, force

308
00:12:59,380 --> 00:13:00,872
from the crank shaft...

309
00:13:00,885 --> 00:13:03,718
What is this, a seduction
class for kindergarteners?

310
00:13:04,352 --> 00:13:06,199
Watch the master work.

311
00:13:06,545 --> 00:13:08,229
(Grunting)

312
00:13:08,379 --> 00:13:10,824
Ooh.

313
00:13:12,882 --> 00:13:14,618
How about this?

314
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:21,708
A little Paula Abdul stuff.

315
00:13:23,288 --> 00:13:24,621
Oh.

316
00:13:26,611 --> 00:13:27,742
Yeah.

317
00:13:27,776 --> 00:13:29,485
- Are we doing this?
- (Chuckles)

318
00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:30,493
- Ha!
- What are you doing?

319
00:13:30,512 --> 00:13:33,432
Ball's in my court now, pal.

320
00:13:33,453 --> 00:13:34,492
(Laughs)

321
00:13:34,511 --> 00:13:37,975
I'm turning off <i>my</i> tap until
you become a Pistons fan.

322
00:13:37,995 --> 00:13:40,248
- Hey, that wasn't part of the deal.
- It is now.

323
00:13:40,275 --> 00:13:41,516
Mmm.

324
00:13:41,992 --> 00:13:43,092
(Grunts)

325
00:13:49,004 --> 00:13:51,417
Schmidt: <i>I can't figure out
my counterstrike, Winston.</i>

326
00:13:51,444 --> 00:13:54,211
The only thing we know about Ed
is that he's old and cranky,

327
00:13:54,243 --> 00:13:57,032
and he baffles me because I'm
so darn young and pleasant.

328
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,359
We just got to get inside
into his old, cranky mind.

329
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:02,362
We have to find an
older, crankier mind.

330
00:14:02,372 --> 00:14:04,259
How are we gonna find an
older, crankier mind than Ed?

331
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,127
Hey, where are you guys getting
your photos developed these days?

332
00:14:07,359 --> 00:14:11,006
I got these beefcake selfies that
I want to dangle in front of Jess,

333
00:14:11,032 --> 00:14:12,533
get her engine revved up.

334
00:14:12,804 --> 00:14:17,217
- Your phone has a camera, Nick.
- These are sexy, sensual, private pics.

335
00:14:17,236 --> 00:14:20,071
I don't want them beamed
right into Snowden's pocket.

336
00:14:20,253 --> 00:14:23,553
I'm not going through Wikileaks, man.
It's not for me. Analog.

337
00:14:23,576 --> 00:14:24,783
It's the only thing
you can trust.

338
00:14:24,802 --> 00:14:27,431
You care to elaborate, you know,
on this whole analog thing?

339
00:14:27,437 --> 00:14:30,231
No, here's the reality, you never know
what's gonna happen with a phone.

340
00:14:30,267 --> 00:14:32,890
- Right. - The hinges that
hold the flip together,

341
00:14:32,923 --> 00:14:35,116
they get loosened over time
when-when they get wet.

342
00:14:35,130 --> 00:14:36,760
And then once you open it,
it's easier for people

343
00:14:36,773 --> 00:14:40,119
to go in there and see your passwords
and, you know, see your codes.

344
00:14:40,142 --> 00:14:43,015
Once the screen breaks, your
information's in the Twitterverse, man.

345
00:14:43,029 --> 00:14:44,677
And it's all out there
for everyone to see,

346
00:14:44,703 --> 00:14:46,801
all these little monkey
elves, man, all these kids.

347
00:14:46,818 --> 00:14:49,238
That's all they do. (Sputters)
Get your information, man.

348
00:14:49,262 --> 00:14:51,796
Bottom line is you can't
control your technology.

349
00:14:51,863 --> 00:14:54,036
That's what's going on in
Japan with all those robots.

350
00:14:54,054 --> 00:14:56,721
Not for me, man. That's
why I trust a hard copy.

351
00:14:56,741 --> 00:14:59,152
- Plain and simple.
- Hard copy, Schmidt.

352
00:14:59,176 --> 00:15:00,327
- Nice work.
- Thank you.

353
00:15:00,353 --> 00:15:03,673
And, Nick, you know, if you're gonna be
taking boudoir shots, please consult me.

354
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:05,531
- I know.
- I have a series of poses

355
00:15:05,551 --> 00:15:07,887
that many people, including
myself, find very sexy.

356
00:15:07,897 --> 00:15:10,552
- Alright. - Okay, here's one
that I call the half Nelson.

357
00:15:11,114 --> 00:15:13,796
- Yeah, I didn't do that.
- This is called a Guy Fieri.

358
00:15:14,097 --> 00:15:15,630
- Just taste the sauces.
- Yeah.

359
00:15:15,643 --> 00:15:17,123
Black licorice.

360
00:15:17,165 --> 00:15:18,315
Ooh.

361
00:15:18,532 --> 00:15:20,237
- Yeah.
- You're welcome.

362
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,296
- Schmidt's dead wrong.
- Oh, yeah?

363
00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:24,962
I got some real hot pics in here.

364
00:15:24,987 --> 00:15:26,825
- I don't care. - There's one
of me as a sexy mayor,

365
00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:29,639
looking out the window,
deciding the future of my city.

366
00:15:29,659 --> 00:15:31,353
It's got to get her going.
(Chuckles)

367
00:15:31,378 --> 00:15:33,378
Daddy needs his cookie.

368
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,266
Dude, just wear the
damn Pistons jersey.

369
00:15:36,294 --> 00:15:38,240
Oh, my God, I've
got to end this.

370
00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:39,800
(Wire snaps, Jess grunts)

371
00:15:39,823 --> 00:15:42,143
Coach: What time is it?!
(Chuckles)

372
00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:44,016
Game time!

373
00:15:44,029 --> 00:15:46,178
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

374
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:48,091
(Singsongy):
It's my favorite time.

375
00:15:48,104 --> 00:15:50,091
Other than... medieval time.

376
00:15:50,321 --> 00:15:51,721
(Chuckles):
All right.

377
00:15:51,780 --> 00:15:52,880
Huh?

378
00:15:52,898 --> 00:15:53,965
- What the...?
- What the...?

379
00:15:53,971 --> 00:15:56,734
- Let me see what's...
- Wait, no, I'll do it. It's okay.

380
00:15:57,754 --> 00:15:58,641
(Jess gasps)

381
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,469
No! Oh, my God, a mouse...

382
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:04,570
Rat or s... Uh, some creature.

383
00:16:04,929 --> 00:16:08,056
- I got to go watch it in my room.
- Wait, no, no, no. Coach, Coach, Coach.

384
00:16:08,072 --> 00:16:10,820
Look, since we can't watch the
game, why don't we just...

385
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,087
- Have a nice, long chat over coffee?
- What?

386
00:16:13,107 --> 00:16:15,641
- You know, just talk, hang out.
- What...?

387
00:16:15,654 --> 00:16:18,266
And then coffee turns to dinner,
and dinner turns to weekly dinner,

388
00:16:18,279 --> 00:16:21,264
and before you know it, I'm
best man at your beach wedding.

389
00:16:21,668 --> 00:16:23,141
Do we have to?

390
00:16:24,708 --> 00:16:26,713
We don't... okay.

391
00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:34,203
- You start.
- Me?

392
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,956
Hey, you want to
do this over food?

393
00:16:38,995 --> 00:16:40,449
Yes! Yes!

394
00:16:40,468 --> 00:16:43,270
No! No, no, no, no!

395
00:16:43,287 --> 00:16:45,220
No! Come on!

396
00:16:45,233 --> 00:16:48,042
Get your head out of your ass, so you
can see where you're going, damn it!

397
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,415
- (Frustrated grunting)
- Okay.

398
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:50,917
- What?
- I have to say it.

399
00:16:50,937 --> 00:16:53,188
- Coach, I...
- (Grunts)

400
00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:55,390
I don't like basketball.

401
00:16:55,410 --> 00:16:58,168
- What?
- There's, like, no fun parts.

402
00:16:58,356 --> 00:16:59,843
There's no themes.

403
00:16:59,861 --> 00:17:02,728
Men should not be wearing
tank tops, <i>ever.</i>

404
00:17:02,869 --> 00:17:04,870
Why were you pretending
to like basketball?

405
00:17:04,896 --> 00:17:06,516
'Cause I wanted to
be friends with you.

406
00:17:06,522 --> 00:17:10,292
Dude, you're my buddy's girlfriend.
We're watching the game.

407
00:17:10,318 --> 00:17:12,238
What's the problem, dude?
What else do you want?

408
00:17:12,258 --> 00:17:16,486
No, you're right. I'm just, um...
I'm just Nick's girlfriend, so...

409
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:19,920
- Enjoy the game. Okay.
- Where are you going?

410
00:17:19,944 --> 00:17:21,411
I'm just, um...

411
00:17:21,434 --> 00:17:23,047
(Mumbles)

412
00:17:23,070 --> 00:17:24,931
- Jess...
- Where...

413
00:17:25,413 --> 00:17:26,568
Jess!

414
00:17:26,632 --> 00:17:29,105
Ladies, you all look
like a hundred bucks.

415
00:17:29,563 --> 00:17:32,833
I hope someone's taking you out
for oysters Rockefeller tonight.

416
00:17:32,853 --> 00:17:33,986
Now, before I begin,

417
00:17:33,998 --> 00:17:37,275
my little helper here will distribute
some handouts for your reference.

418
00:17:37,295 --> 00:17:39,148
Uh, you know what, Ed?
I'm really sorry.

419
00:17:39,171 --> 00:17:41,484
Company printers
are on the Fritz, so...

420
00:17:41,497 --> 00:17:45,480
Little helper that I am, I decided to
load everything up onto the laptop.

421
00:17:49,176 --> 00:17:50,469
There you go.

422
00:17:53,256 --> 00:17:56,664
(Laughing): Well, I'm sure
there's a printer that works.

423
00:17:56,997 --> 00:17:59,833
- I'll just wait for the hard copies.
- (Whispering): I broke all the printers.

424
00:17:59,853 --> 00:18:02,406
I'm gonna beat you with
an orange in a sock.

425
00:18:02,419 --> 00:18:05,029
Besides, we're talking about
technology, aren't we?

426
00:18:05,048 --> 00:18:07,963
Be a little silly to talk about
technology without using technology.

427
00:18:07,983 --> 00:18:10,121
- Am I right, Kim?
- Use the technology, Ed.

428
00:18:10,125 --> 00:18:11,452
(Chuckles)

429
00:18:11,586 --> 00:18:12,994
(Clears throat)

430
00:18:13,955 --> 00:18:16,079
Hup-I-dip-I-dip...

431
00:18:16,814 --> 00:18:17,881
(Clears throat)

432
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,867
Oh...

433
00:18:19,981 --> 00:18:21,514
(Grunts) My left arm.

434
00:18:21,939 --> 00:18:23,179
My neck.

435
00:18:23,192 --> 00:18:24,299
(Ed gasping)

436
00:18:24,325 --> 00:18:27,725
You got me this time, Hebrew.
But I'll be back.

437
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:28,620
(Groans)

438
00:18:28,645 --> 00:18:31,592
This is why the
cutoff's at 45, ladies.

439
00:18:31,699 --> 00:18:32,874
(Gasping)

440
00:18:32,892 --> 00:18:34,458
(Women murmuring)

441
00:18:35,129 --> 00:18:37,058
Schmidt:
Oh, okay. Okay.

442
00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:43,297
Nick: Jess! You win!
I'm all backed up!

443
00:18:43,318 --> 00:18:46,040
I've even been fantasizing
about Winston!

444
00:18:46,865 --> 00:18:48,838
- Where is she, dude?
- (Laughing)

445
00:18:49,227 --> 00:18:50,644
Don't do that laugh.

446
00:18:50,685 --> 00:18:52,134
(Laughing)

447
00:18:52,207 --> 00:18:54,889
- What are you wearing, dude?
- It's for sex.

448
00:18:54,909 --> 00:18:56,640
(Singsongy):
You like the Pistons.

449
00:18:56,658 --> 00:18:59,024
- Why don't you shut up, Coach?
- (Laughs)

450
00:18:59,497 --> 00:19:02,084
- Where's Jess?
- What is up with that girl, dude?

451
00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:04,096
One minute we're watching the
game, the next she's, like,

452
00:19:04,115 --> 00:19:05,975
calling me a jerk and
storming out of the place.

453
00:19:06,001 --> 00:19:08,994
She just wants to be your friend.
Any idiot can see that.

454
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:11,677
We were being friends. We were
watching the game together.

455
00:19:11,691 --> 00:19:14,128
- It was an awesome game.
- Okay, maybe she wants more than that.

456
00:19:14,155 --> 00:19:15,408
Like what?

457
00:19:15,503 --> 00:19:17,096
- You want to know a trick?
- Absolutely.

458
00:19:17,111 --> 00:19:18,524
This is how you
get in with Jess.

459
00:19:18,556 --> 00:19:21,936
You know when you're driving in your car
and you have a random thought, like...

460
00:19:22,098 --> 00:19:24,182
"I wonder if seals are friends."

461
00:19:24,286 --> 00:19:25,870
Yeah, or like...

462
00:19:26,054 --> 00:19:28,269
"I really want to text right now,
but there's a cop behind me."

463
00:19:28,287 --> 00:19:31,317
- That's not the one I mean.
- "Why do T-Rex have little arms?"

464
00:19:31,342 --> 00:19:32,878
Don't finish. Don't f...
I know you, don't...

465
00:19:32,915 --> 00:19:35,042
"If they get an itch in their
crotch, how do they scratch it?"

466
00:19:35,061 --> 00:19:37,411
I mean more like sweet,
kind of emotional stuff.

467
00:19:37,432 --> 00:19:40,661
Like, if you combed, you know, like,
a gorilla's hair, would it like it?

468
00:19:40,708 --> 00:19:42,941
Like... I've never seen
a baby pigeon before.

469
00:19:42,957 --> 00:19:44,207
Exactly!

470
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:47,024
Tell that to her and you
get a friend for life.

471
00:19:48,430 --> 00:19:50,664
Now, excuse me.
Sex awaits.

472
00:19:51,039 --> 00:19:54,942
Hey, Jess! You win!
I want to take you!

473
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,660
Respectfully!

474
00:20:03,443 --> 00:20:05,409
- Come here.
- Take that Jersey off.

475
00:20:05,442 --> 00:20:07,070
Actually, leave it on.

476
00:20:10,628 --> 00:20:11,858
Oh!

477
00:20:12,532 --> 00:20:13,887
- To Winston.
- Hear, hear.

478
00:20:13,906 --> 00:20:16,782
As a thank-you, I'd like... I'd
like to get you a job at Ass-Strat.

479
00:20:16,792 --> 00:20:18,519
I'll make you a real Ass man.

480
00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:19,860
Mmm...

481
00:20:19,881 --> 00:20:21,321
I don't know, man.

482
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,056
I kind of liked the part where we just
get to analyze evidence, you know.

483
00:20:24,063 --> 00:20:27,552
Connect the dots a little bit, yeah.
Live inside of someone else's mind.

484
00:20:27,572 --> 00:20:30,144
- Spoken like a true marketing analyst.
- I don't know.

485
00:20:30,174 --> 00:20:32,178
You know, I kind of want
to be free of a desk as well.

486
00:20:32,205 --> 00:20:33,637
Well... roam the
streets a little bit.

487
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,713
Just sniff out clues. Let
me ask you something.

488
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:39,033
- You guys get donuts in the morning?
- You ever thought of being a cop?

489
00:20:39,389 --> 00:20:41,749
- Winston, I think you'd be great.
- I can see it.

490
00:20:41,755 --> 00:20:44,128
You know, it's funny. I was
thinking the exact same thing.

491
00:20:44,147 --> 00:20:46,614
You've already got high cholesterol
and weird people skills.

492
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:48,963
- "Officer Bishop."
- I like the way that sounds.

493
00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:51,680
It would be nice to retroactively
justify that mustache.

494
00:20:51,706 --> 00:20:53,566
It's a hell of a mustache.

495
00:20:55,327 --> 00:20:57,047
What does that mean?
That was from a movie.

496
00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:58,960
- <i>Training Day's</i> my favorite movie.
- I understand that,

497
00:20:58,979 --> 00:21:00,695
but you understand that's
not what being a cop is.

498
00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:02,554
I want to drop fools! Huh?
That's what you're telling me?

499
00:21:02,574 --> 00:21:04,378
If you think this means you
can start yelling at me...

500
00:21:04,399 --> 00:21:06,452
You damn right, sucker!
That's what that means.

501
00:21:06,552 --> 00:21:08,201
Oh, I apologize about that.

502
00:21:09,021 --> 00:21:09,848
Jess?

503
00:21:09,867 --> 00:21:10,508
(Laughs)

504
00:21:10,527 --> 00:21:12,729
♪ Jessica Day-hey-ey.

505
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:16,308
I just want to say that, um,
I would love to be your friend.

506
00:21:16,331 --> 00:21:18,424
Look, I know I'm crazy
about the Pistons,

507
00:21:18,469 --> 00:21:22,102
but it's just because Detroit was the
city I lived in the longest as a kid.

508
00:21:22,121 --> 00:21:25,104
- Yes. - I lived in, like, six different
states by the time I was ten.

509
00:21:25,124 --> 00:21:28,432
At a certain point, I just...
Stopped trying to make friends.

510
00:21:28,501 --> 00:21:30,070
Ah!

511
00:21:30,484 --> 00:21:31,604
(Sighs)

512
00:21:31,629 --> 00:21:33,245
Got real comfy on that.

513
00:21:33,914 --> 00:21:34,741
Really?

514
00:21:34,763 --> 00:21:38,270
Lot easier saying bye to your buddy's
girlfriend than it is your friend.

515
00:21:38,290 --> 00:21:42,578
Well, I'm not gonna be saying
good-bye to you anytime soon.

516
00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:45,272
- Except for right now.
- Oh.

517
00:21:45,975 --> 00:21:47,567
You want to do a butt bump?

518
00:21:48,323 --> 00:21:49,350
Butt...

519
00:21:49,373 --> 00:21:51,569
Ah, you're probably doing
your own butt bumps.

520
00:21:51,592 --> 00:21:54,469
Cool. I know you guys
are already done.

521
00:21:54,515 --> 00:21:59,515
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