[ Theme music playing ]
My word, haven't you left yet?
Mr. Thorpe's train arrives in 20 minutes.
We're waiting for Mr. Humphries.
He's very keen to practice in country matters,
and I promised he could have a go on the way to the station.
I'll give him an honk.
[ Honking ]
Mr. Humphries, now apologize to Mr. Thorpe.
Explain that we're trying
to economize and everything,
which is why we haven't sent a taxi.
I'll tell him we only used a gallon of hay.
You look ever so smart, Mr. Humphries.
Oh, thank you, Mavis.
I read that magazine called "The Field."
Do you know, there was absolutely no one in it
that wasn't dressed like this?
Somebody's put too much starch in these jodhpurs.
I can't get me leg up.
Oh, really, Mr. Humphries!
Thank you.
Right.
Here's your whip,
and here are the reins.
Now, the first thing
you must do with horses
is to let them know who's in charge.
I see. Good morning, Neddy.
I'm Mr. Humphries. I'm the driver.
Now I'm in charge,
so don't do anything until I let you know.
He's pricked his ears up.
Do you know, I've never seen that before?
Right, off you go.
Right. Walkies.
Oh, sit! Sit!
- Try gee-up. - Oh, yeah.
Gee-up!
Good morning, miss Lovelock.
Good morning, Captain Peacock.
No wonder you have such a trim figure
with all that exercise.
Can I help you?
There's a fork in there.
Oh. Right.
Of course. I suppose you
must've done a bit of this yourself,
when you were attached to the Bengal lancers.
When did I mention that?
Last night, somewhere between
your fourth and fifth Martini.
Yes, well, it was a secret operation.
I shouldn't have spoken of it.
It must have been 50 years ago!
Oh, it's still very sensitive politically.
They were stirring times,
and I was desperately young.
There's so much about you that I don't know.
Did you do any pig-sticking?
Only when there was an "R" in the month.
And I suppose all the girls were terribly attractive.
Oh, terribly.
Were they hungry for men?
We were rationed.
Did you have bearers and punkah wallahs and everything?
Practically everything.
Wish I'd known you then.
Well, you... You know me now.
Yes...
But it's not quite the same thing, is it?
Where's Captain Peacock?
Oh, he's out playing the country gent somewhere.
He's really perked up
since we come to the country.
If you ask me, it's since he met miss Lovelock.
He's really got his tongue
hanging out after her, hasn't he?
Isn't it sad the way men of a certain age
go a bit stupid when some bit of a girl smiles at them?
I thought she was laughing at him.
That's not what he thought.
I mean, imagine you and I
going gaga over some young man
just because he gives us a bit
of come hither.
Oh, well, I still get a bit of, uh...
Come hither.
Well, so do I.
In fact I get quite a lot of...
Come hither.
But I don't go gaga about it.
Would you ever consider
taking a younger lover?
Certainly not, miss Brahms.
What would the neighbors say?
Mind you, I wouldn't say no
to a bit of dalliance when on holiday.
I've always had a preference for older men.
They have more to offer.
Yes, miss Brahms,
only not so often.
This is very far from the madding crowd, isn't it?
Has anyone ever told you you've got good hands?
Not in this context.
When you've got a bit more practice,
I'll teach you how to handle a pair.
[ Ringing bell ]
Still setting your cap at my woman, I see.
I am not your woman, Malcolm Heathcliff!
Are you still trying to come between us?
I'm just here to handle the horse.
If you'd just come up on the other side,
none of this would have happened.
You remember my warning to you?
Yes, I do. You said,
"never go alone down a dark Lane,"
and I swear to you, I haven't been near one.
Do you want to get down and have it out now?
Well, actually, I'm meeting a train.
He's not afraid of you, Malcolm Heathcliff!
Oh, no?
He could have you for breakfast!
I'm on a diet.
You name the time and the place,
and I'll be there!
Sorry to barge in
when you got your snouts in the trough.
I brought you some eggs.
Mr. Moulterd, how dare you come in without knocking?
I'm in my dressing gown.
I've seen you in a sight less than that.
No, Mr. Moulterd, you have not!
This is all in your imagination.
Was it all in me imagination
when you was in the miss Lovely Legs competition
in 1942 in Tiverton?
I don't remember anything about that.
Who won a lobster for coming in third?
How many was in the competition?
Four.
It was 16!
Mind you,
she had a figure on her in them days.
I bet it's still there
somewhere underneath.
Why couldn't you have been
like the other young men of your era
and had an obsession about Betty Grable?
Ooh, I did have.
But you was more available.
Mrs. Slocombe, I think it's about time you got ready.
Mr. Thorpe'll be here shortly.
Oh, what does he want this time?
Well, there's some query about a check
for a booking made some time ago.
Oh, well, I'd better go and run a bath.
Want your back scrubbed?
Mr. Moulterd,
one more remark like that
and you can take a week's wages and go.
Well, I ain't had a week's wages yet.
Right. Here's the scraps for the goat.
Now be off with you and we'll have no more of your lip.
Yes, miss.
See, I respect her.
How come he does what you tell him?
I've always had a way with animals.
That was very chilly and very bumpy.
Where's Mr. Humphries?
Oh, he had to lie down.
Mavis has got a very jealous boyfriend.
There's a note on it.
You read it, miss Brahms. My hands are still shaking.
You don't want to pay no heed to Malcolm.
He's just larking about.
You know what boys are.
I'm beginning to remember.
"Don't go down any lanes, even in daylight,
or you'll find some rough lads
waiting for you."
Decisions, decisions.
Come in, Mr. Thorpe.
Sit yourself down.
Miss Lovelock, pour Mr. Thorpe a drink.
What'll it be, Mr. Thorpe, a whiskey, vodka, gin, brandy?
Yes, I'll have one of those.
With a twist of lemon.
Oh, I hope I haven't kept you waiting, Mr. Thorpe,
but I've had such a shock.
I heard such a meowing
when I was putting my nightclothes away,
and do you know, I found my pussy trapped
in my drawers!
Make that a double, miss Lovelock.
Now, as I understand it,
a booking was made some months ago,
and a check was paid for a cultural visit
for a party from... Where was it?
Outer Mongolia.
Where's that?
Next to Inner Mongolia.
What's the problem?
Well, the currency from that part of the world
fluctuates a lot.
What's the rate of exchange?
Well, at the time of the booking,
the Mongolian dung was 200 to the pound,
unfortunately,
the dung has fallen.
Well, where does that leave us?
Deep in the Mongolian currency.
It stands today at 500 to the pound.
Yes, I had hoped, Mr. Thorpe,
that the Grace trust fund
would make up the shortfall.
No, I'm afraid that's not possible.
A couple of clauses were typed in
shortly before his demise.
Were they witnessed?
Yes, by miss Lovelock.
I was there. I had to type them at 3:00 in the morning.
Mr. Grace took out his portable there and then
and made me take them down.
Ahh, the energy of the man.
He also initialed them.
In a very shaky hand.
Well, it's perfectly simple.
We just give them bed and breakfast.
It's not as simple as all that,
we contracted for full board.
Also, what you might call a...
A cultural event.
Now, what does that mean?
I think young Mr. Grace's intention
was to hire people from the Royal Ballet,
the English National Opera, and Stratford-upon-Avon
to perform extracts.
Well, we certainly can't afford that.
Mind you, I once sold Vanessa Redgrave a red beret.
And a mackintosh and a pair of plimsolls.
I wonder if she'd remember.
That's rather a longshot, Mrs. Slocombe.
Well, she often wears them.
Well, do we have any other connections
with theater or music?
Well, I once turned over for sir Malcolm Sergeant.
Well, they've paid their money,
so they'll expect something,
be it ever so humble.
Well, you can forget the National Opera
and the Royal Ballet.
Let's see what we can find
in the local amateur societies.
Well, time is on our side.
I shall put an advertisement in the local paper.
I've brought the post.
Sit yourself down, Mr. Rumbold,
I'm just making some coffee.
Mostly bills, I'm afraid.
Any replies to your advertisement
about cultural talent?
Well... There's a man here
who offers to put ferrets down his trousers
to the strains of Handel's Water Music.
Oh. How many ferrets?
His record is seven.
My dad used to do that.
He used to put six ferrets
down his trousers,
and then do a clog dance,
but he had to give it up
'cause the ferrets went on strike.
I'm not surprised.
I think the noise of the clogs give them an headache.
Well, that's all we have so far.
What have you got in your parcel, Mr. Humphries?
Me mother's sent me me photo album.
Oh, let's have a look.
Oh, no, no, it's too embarrassing.
- Oh go on. - Oh, all right.
Oh, look at that.
Look, look at that.
That's me, stark naked,
except for a nappy on a hearth rug.
Aww.
How old were you?
27.
I'd been to a fancy dress party.
I passed out in the parlor.
Now, let me see...
There's me as a little baby, look.
There's me grandad
throwing me in the air.
There's me grandad missing me.
There's the ambulance.
And there's me grandma
standing on me life support system.
Oh, don't tell me you nearly died?
Well, it was touch and go.
I was unconscious,
I was going down this long tunnel,
and there was a man at the end
wagging his finger like that.
He said, "we're not ready for you yet.
And we're not sure when we will be."
Did he have wings like an angel?
No, he was dressed as a bus conductor.
Do you know, I believe
there is a life after we pop off?
I believe it's just like church windows
with lovely music playing
and everyone being kind to each other.
It sounds very boring.
Don't tell me you're an heathen unbeliever?
Mr. Rumbold!
Well, I did have a very strange experience once.
I regressed to a previous life.
It was my dentist that did it.
He said I went into a trance
while I was having gas for these caps.
Oh, yes, some of them are quite lifelike.
Apparently, during the trance,
I remembered being something big in ancient Egypt.
Oh. A Sphinx?
None of which brings us any closer
to solving our cultural entertainment problem.
Well, I'm surprised that so few people
have replied to our advertisement.
Well, folks round here
don't like to push themselves and show off.
But we've had some fine shows
down the village.
Oh, dad knows all the people.
If you tell him what you want,
he'll find them for you.
Hello?
This is Maurice Moulterd.
Is your mother in?
I can't speak no louder.
I'm having to speak quiet
'cause I'm at the manor.
Ask your mother
if she can still get her legs
round that cello.
He don't hear too good.
Oh, the poor little lad. How old is he?
62.
She can?
Well, ask her to get round to the manor
this afternoon at 3:00.
Well, that's a few I got for ya.
There's the list.
Well, that's really very good.
Now then,
who's going to audition them?
Well, I was at the ballet school
as a child.
I'll have a look at the dancers.
And I know quite a bit about singing.
Oh, I'm such a fan of that New Zealand singer,
Kiri Tiri Whirry what's-her-name.
You and Mrs. Axelby
used to do duets, didn't you?
"Nellie Dean" down the Duck and Feather.
Well, on occasion.
But of course we did the classics as well, you know.
I remember one night after closing time,
we did the "Barber of Seville"
in the snug.
I'll bet he wished he'd supped up and gone home.
I'll volunteer to audition anybody
who aspires to render Shakespeare.
Oh, yes, Captain Peacock, you have such a mellow tone.
I'm surprised you didn't become a BBC announcer.
Surely you must've been at some time, Captain Peacock?
It was between me and Robin Day.
Unfortunately, I was too likable.
Well, I used to have elocution lessons
but you feel such a berk talking posh in Catford.
You know, that's a side of you
I'm not acquainted with, miss Brahms?
[ Posh accent ] The lazy brown fox
jumped over the brown cow
and the dog ran away with the spoon.
Do you often use that sentence
in conversation?
[ Posh accent ] Only when someone
gets up my hooter.
Who's that?
Oh, that's me and the girl next door.
She looks quite nice.
Was there anything between you two?
Only the fence.
When I was little, she used to play
with my Hornby.
And I used to spring clean
her doll's house.
That's probably why you're so tidy.
You keep our room lovely.
Well, me mother always says,
"a place for everything and everything in its place."
You ought to let me take care of all that.
Give you time for more manly things,
like having a scrap with Malcolm.
Mavis, I've been meaning
to talk to you about this.
Couldn't you write him a letter or something
and say there's nothing in it?
Well, I did try to explain to him.
I told him that all we do is sleep together,
and he hit the roof.
Couldn't your dad talk to his mom?
Malcolm won't start nothing.
Unless he's had too much to drink.
Or he's had a bad day on his old tractor...
Or he's got that ringing in his ears...
Or he loses at darts!
What's he like when it rains?
Terrible!
What you doing?
I'm looking for the weather forecast.
Are you ready for Mrs. Cleghampton?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
She's rosined her bow.
She's going to give us her impersonation
of Julian Lloyd Webber.
I hope she's not going to do
anything too difficult.
Well, at her age,
getting her legs round the cello ain't easy.
Mrs. Cleghampton!
Why are we applauding her?
Getting there.
Thank you for coming along, Mrs. Cleghampton.
I think as I'm organizing this,
I'd better do the talking.
Could you give us a resume of your previous experience?
You may not believe this,
but 40 years ago,
I played with sir Thomas Beecham.
Strangely enough I've just read his autobiography.
Did he mention...?
- Mention what? - Mrs. Cleghampton?
Not that I recall.
I'm surprised he forgot.
Where is your instrument, Mrs. Cleghampton?
Oh, I can't carry it,
I have enough trouble playing it. It's outside.
Mr. Moulterd, Mrs. Cleghampton's cello, please.
When did you make your debut?
Beg pardon?
When was the first time you performed in public?
That'd be telling, wouldn't it?
I think it's better if I handle this, Peacock.
When did you give up playing professionally?
When my G-string broke
on the last night of the proms.
I wonder if that was under sir Thomas?
Your cello.
Is she going to play it or ride it?
Sir Thomas must've been a very patient man.
I've given her 10 points already
and she hasn't played anything.
Shall I start?
May we know what the piece is called?
"The Dying Swan," by Saint-Saens.
Sainsbury's?
Saint-Saens.
Ah. Oh, good.
But I don't do the twiddly bits no more.
[ Playing amateurishly ]
[ Meowing along ]
[ Playing high note ]
[ Playing 'I want to be happy' ]
[ All applauding ]
[ All ]: Next!
Very polite, these Mongolians, aren't they?
With all their bowing and that.
I thought they'd have big moustaches
and spikes on their helmets
like Yul Brynner.
Instead of which, the one with the Gucci boots
looks just like Lionel Blair.
Now, they say they're very keen
on rice in Mongolia,
so I'm steaming long rice in this pot,
and short rice in this one.
What's the difference?
Oh, about that much.
They've sent a box of food down for them to eat.
Oh. What's in it?
Don't know. I can't read Mongolian.
There's a picture on the tin, though,
looks like a frog with antlers.
Oh! Who's done that?
It's that Malcolm!
If you do that again, Malcolm Heathcliff,
Mr. Humphries'll give you what for!
He's run off. He's frightened of you.
Has he sent you a message?
He obviously couldn't afford a stamp.
What's it say?
"If you go down in the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise."
You'll have to go, just to call his bluff.
If I go, I'll have to call an ambulance.
They'll be down any minute now.
Now, are we quite clear what we're going to do?
Well, we didn't have much luck
with the local talent,
but I think we can give them
a taste of British culture,
one way or another.
Well, as none of them speak English,
I expect we can get away with it.
One hopes that they're going to get
their dung's worth.
Good heavens! What's this?
Oh, Captain Peacock and Mrs. Slocombe
are going to perform an extract
from an operetta.
They're going to sing "The Donkey Song"
from Veronique.
What does the donkey do?
Nothing, I hope.
I just walks him on,
they sings,
then I walks him off.
I think it will be better
if you kept him at the back out of sight
until I give you the cue, Mr. Moulterd.
Oh, I'll tether him. Come on.
The interpreter gave me the music
for the outer Mongolian national anthem,
so we're off to a good start.
Ah, this is miss Long Wee,
the interpreter.
Yes, we've already met.
So?
So.
So?
So.
So, what happens?
So, I think we're nearly ready to begin.
Ah. Miss Wee?
[ Playing fanfare ]
To begin with, the Mongolian national anthem,
played by Mr. Rumbold on the piano,
and my dad on the gong.
[ Translating ]
[ Pauses ]
[ Continues speaking ]
Have ya done?
Yes.
[ Playing piano ]
[ Song ends ]
[ Mavis ]: Thank you.
And now, from the world of English light opera,
an extract from Veronique by Massinger,
sung by them world renowned duettists,
Peacock and Slocombe.
[ Says three words ]
Hah! Got ya that time.
[ Begins song on piano ]
[ Whispered ] Mr. Moulterd, the donkey!
[ Vamping on piano ]
When do we start?
I'll tell you.
Now!
Both: ♪ trot here and there, take care, take care ♪
♪ never slipping, never tripping ♪
♪ dear little donkey ♪
♪ trotting here and there, take care, take care ♪
♪ a bunch of carrots soon shall be your fare ♪
♪ trot here and there ♪
♪ take care, take care ♪
♪ never slipping, never tripping ♪
♪ dear little donkey ♪
♪ trotting here and there, take care, take care ♪
♪ a bunch of carrots soon shall be ♪
♪ your fare ♪ ♪ your fare ♪
[ Applause ]
And now, from the world of English classical drama,
a recitement of Shakespeare's "Merchant of Venice,"
by a well-known electrocutionist,
Shirley Brahms.
[ Piano plays "greensleeves" ]
I would like to give you my Portia.
[ Translating ]
[ Speaking Chinese ]
Head of delegation said he was going to buy BMW,
but will gladly accept your offer of a Porsche.
I've got a right bunch here!
Just ignore them.
The quality of mercy is not strained.
[ Translating ]
It droppeth...
[ Translates ]
[ Sharply ] It droppeth.
[ Translates with sharp tone ]
Consider it droppteth, right?
[ Translates ]
It falls as the gentle rain from heaven.
[ Translating ]
How's she doing?
She's just coming to the end of it.
Surprisingly enough,
she's used some of the original words.
Well, of course,
we were a very hard act to follow.
[ Applause ]
Ta ever so.
[ Playing "Greensleeves" ]
And now from the world of drama
to the world of ballet,
with an extract from "Romeo and Juliet,"
please welcome
Natasha Lovelock
and Sergei Humphries.
[ Piano plays ]
What happening?
It's Romeo.
He's looking for Juliet.
[ Translating ]
[ Speaking Chinese ]
Can I help?
They want to know which one is Juliet.
The very...
The very pretty one.
[ Translating ]
Aah!
[ Playing "Rule, Britannia" ]
[ All ]: ♪ Rule, Britannia ♪
♪ Britannia rules the waves ♪
♪ Britons never, never, never ♪
♪ shall be slaves. ♪
[ Applause ]
deCaps & Correct by 7kozlov - - www.myfbs.ru - -
[ Theme music playing ]