1
00:00:02,482 --> 00:00:04,175
Archer: Are you shitting me?!
2
00:00:04,295 --> 00:00:05,788
How can they do that?!
3
00:00:05,908 --> 00:00:07,535
And do you have to do that
4
00:00:07,655 --> 00:00:08,945
right goddamn now?!
5
00:00:09,065 --> 00:00:12,173
Krieger: I actually
don't have to do it ever.
6
00:00:12,293 --> 00:00:16,595
Cyril: And so I ask again, why are you?!
Krieger: Mm-m.
7
00:00:16,597 --> 00:00:18,402
Archer: How can they seize my penthouse?!
8
00:00:18,522 --> 00:00:20,083
Malory: Well A, they're the government,
9
00:00:20,172 --> 00:00:22,764
and B, ISIS owned
that penthouse, so -
10
00:00:22,884 --> 00:00:23,446
Archer: Since when?
11
00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:25,720
Malory: Since this new thing
called always?
12
00:00:26,258 --> 00:00:27,522
It never struck you as odd
13
00:00:27,642 --> 00:00:30,776
that you lived there for ten years
and never paid a dime in rent?!
14
00:00:30,778 --> 00:00:33,312
Archer: I just thought it was
because I banged the landlord's
15
00:00:33,432 --> 00:00:35,161
when she dropped off the key.
16
00:00:35,448 --> 00:00:37,415
But I realize now
that I was mistaken.
17
00:00:37,535 --> 00:00:39,810
LANA: Aw, what a scary
new feeling for you.
18
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,703
ARCHER: Not as scary
as having to live
19
00:00:41,705 --> 00:00:43,922
in Casa de Addams Family
with you two!
20
00:00:43,924 --> 00:00:46,124
MALORY: Ugh, no,
I'm just working here,
21
00:00:46,126 --> 00:00:48,993
not moving in.
I was smart enough to put
22
00:00:48,995 --> 00:00:51,596
my apartment in Ron's name.
LANA: We all could've hidden
23
00:00:51,598 --> 00:00:53,682
our assets if you'd warned us
we were about to be
24
00:00:53,684 --> 00:00:56,834
arrested for treason!
MALORY: Oh for the love,
25
00:00:56,836 --> 00:00:59,137
how long are you going to
throw that in my face?!
26
00:00:59,139 --> 00:01:01,005
LANA: Probably at least
through the weekend.
27
00:01:01,007 --> 00:01:02,840
MALORY: Well, then you'll have
to throw it from Miami.
28
00:01:02,842 --> 00:01:05,060
LANA: Wait, no, why,
what's in --
29
00:01:05,062 --> 00:01:09,197
[ BEEP BEEP BEEP! ]
LANA: -- Miami.
30
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:11,283
MALORY: Besides ninety percent
of all mosquitoes and Cubans
31
00:01:11,285 --> 00:01:13,184
on earth?
ARCHER: That sounds high.
32
00:01:13,186 --> 00:01:16,354
MALORY: A buyer for twenty
kilos of our cocaine.
33
00:01:16,356 --> 00:01:21,493
LANA: Okay, now you sound high.
[ BRAWMP! ]
34
00:01:21,495 --> 00:01:23,628
MALORY: And what did I say
about that horn?!
35
00:01:23,630 --> 00:01:25,697
PAM: Oh, you were serious?
MALORY: Did I not
36
00:01:25,699 --> 00:01:27,716
look serious?!
LANA: Well maybe she
37
00:01:27,718 --> 00:01:29,384
couldn't tell,
because you seemed pretty
38
00:01:29,386 --> 00:01:31,086
serious just now,
when you said you set up
39
00:01:31,088 --> 00:01:33,004
a drug deal.
MALORY: How else are we
40
00:01:33,006 --> 00:01:34,890
supposed to sell it?
It's not like we can have
41
00:01:34,892 --> 00:01:37,092
a yard sale.
ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.
42
00:01:37,094 --> 00:01:40,312
Hello, people would steal it?
LANA: I realize.
43
00:01:40,314 --> 00:01:43,381
We can't have a yard sale.
ARCHER: Plus it's illegal?
44
00:01:43,383 --> 00:01:46,017
LANA: My point.
Is how did you, Malory,
45
00:01:46,019 --> 00:01:48,904
possibly, set up
a major drug deal?
46
00:01:48,906 --> 00:01:50,772
MALORY: Oh,
don't worry about that...
47
00:01:50,774 --> 00:01:52,857
LANA: Kinda feel like I should.
MALORY: Just worry about
48
00:01:52,859 --> 00:01:55,777
not screwing up this deal,
because if it all goes well,
49
00:01:55,779 --> 00:01:58,163
my contact's people may
buy the rest.
50
00:01:58,165 --> 00:01:59,864
And the sooner we sell
this cocaine,
51
00:01:59,866 --> 00:02:02,250
the sooner we'll all be
set for life.
52
00:02:02,252 --> 00:02:04,419
ARCHER: And the sooner we
can move out of this enormous,
53
00:02:04,421 --> 00:02:07,372
Gilded Age mansion.
Which -- where the hell is
54
00:02:07,374 --> 00:02:09,741
Woodhouse?
PAM: In the pool.
55
00:02:09,743 --> 00:02:13,595
WOODHOUSE: Hello?
I've finished!
56
00:02:13,597 --> 00:02:15,413
ARCHER: Jesus Christ,
how long does it take him
57
00:02:15,415 --> 00:02:17,215
to move in?
MALORY: And so, the sooner
58
00:02:17,217 --> 00:02:19,751
you go to Miami...
LANA: Oh, I'm sorry,
59
00:02:19,753 --> 00:02:21,419
lemme eat forty pounds of
coke-filled rubbers,
60
00:02:21,421 --> 00:02:23,605
and we're off.
MALORY: Don't be ridiculous -
61
00:02:23,607 --> 00:02:25,941
ARCHER: Hello, pregnant?
MALORY: -- Dr. Krieger has
62
00:02:25,943 --> 00:02:27,759
devised a way
to transport the cocaine
63
00:02:27,761 --> 00:02:30,729
undetected.
KRIEGER: Oh, you were serious?
64
00:02:30,731 --> 00:02:34,232
MALORY: Wh-? God! Dammit!
KRIEGER: Sometimes it's hard
65
00:02:34,234 --> 00:02:36,368
to tell with you!
MALORY: And since Carol insists
66
00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:39,487
on keeping Ms. Gillette here
as a voice coach...
67
00:02:39,489 --> 00:02:44,993
CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re, mi,
fa, so, la, teeeeee!
68
00:02:44,995 --> 00:02:48,446
GILLETTE: No no no no no!
Again!
69
00:02:48,448 --> 00:02:51,082
CHERYL/CAROL: Do -
ARCHER: And also
70
00:02:51,084 --> 00:02:52,667
since he's crippled...
MALORY: And also since
71
00:02:52,669 --> 00:02:56,388
he's crippled, Pam --
[ BRAWMP! ]
72
00:02:56,390 --> 00:02:59,808
MALORY: will be going with you.
PAM: Kinda like the third
73
00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:04,462
Musketeer, huh?!
MALORY: Kinda.
74
00:03:04,464 --> 00:03:07,965
ARCHER: Hey Pam, relax, breathe
you're doing fine...
75
00:03:07,967 --> 00:03:11,152
But since that, um,
special "plaster" in your cast
76
00:03:11,154 --> 00:03:13,521
can totally be absorbed through
the skin,
77
00:03:13,523 --> 00:03:16,941
you're probably gonna wanna try
to minimize the sweating.
78
00:03:16,943 --> 00:03:19,477
Yeah, just think cool thoughts.
Like eating mint
79
00:03:19,479 --> 00:03:25,700
chocolate chip ice cream.
In your refrigerated drawer.
80
00:03:25,702 --> 00:03:28,336
At the morgue.
81
00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:39,126
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
82
00:04:08,745 --> 00:04:12,321
CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re, mi, fa --
GILLETTE: No! Again!
83
00:04:12,987 --> 00:04:15,721
MALORY: My God,
how I envy the deaf.
84
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,190
I hope you're a better lawyer
than she is a singer.
85
00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,826
CYRIL: I'd have to be.
And I will be,
86
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:23,161
I'm pretty darn excited
to be practicing law again.
87
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,263
I mean, hopefully I won't have
to defend anybody in court,
88
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,099
but --
MALORY: But there's always
89
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:28,600
a district attorney
to blackmail,
90
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,502
a witness to coerce,
a judge to bribe...
91
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,304
CYRIL: Bribe with what?
The government seized the
92
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,440
ISIS accounts, we're broke.
MALORY: Hopefully not for long.
93
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,876
And when that drug money
starts pouring in,
94
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:40,846
you'll be in charge of
laundering.
95
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,414
CYRIL: I'll start looking
for a laundromat.
96
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:46,068
MALORY: Wh-?
Money laundering, you ass!
97
00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:48,570
Oh, you mean as a front,
because a laundromat
98
00:04:48,572 --> 00:04:52,991
is a cash-based business.
Why don't I just leave that
99
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:55,193
whole side of the organization
to you?
100
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:58,396
CYRIL: Only if you promise
to periodically micromanage it.
101
00:04:58,398 --> 00:05:01,166
And emasculate me.
MALORY: Cyril,
102
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:05,070
I would have thought
that goes without saying.
103
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:07,405
ARCHER: Ugh!
It smells like a skunk ape!
104
00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:08,957
LANA: Yeah,
I'm hoping the mattresses
105
00:05:08,959 --> 00:05:12,794
are just mildewy, and not...
Mildewy and dead-hookery.
106
00:05:12,796 --> 00:05:14,579
ARCHER: No, not the room.
These.
107
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,431
PAM: Casts smell bad when
you take 'em off it's a
108
00:05:16,433 --> 00:05:19,101
thing people know about!
ARCHER: Yeah after six weeks,
109
00:05:19,103 --> 00:05:21,887
not six hours!
LANA: So listen,
110
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,421
about this deal...
ARCHER: Hang on.
111
00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:28,060
Pam, chop chop, torso!
Ugh, this smells like a kennel,
112
00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:30,312
but for dogs that are poor.
LANA: Archer!
113
00:05:30,314 --> 00:05:32,564
ARCHER: What, smell it.
LANA: Shut up, look
114
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,816
your mother's got the time
in here, the place,
115
00:05:34,818 --> 00:05:36,651
price per kilo...
But there's nothing
116
00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:38,370
about her contact, no picture,
117
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:40,772
not even a name?
What if this "person" is
118
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,791
really a biker gang?
ARCHER: Who gives a shit?
119
00:05:42,793 --> 00:05:44,776
Hang on.
Legs!
120
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:47,445
Lana, you and I, more me,
were two of the best
121
00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,047
secret agents in the world...
122
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,749
LANA: We were rogues.
ARCHER: Potato, puh-treason,
123
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:53,218
whatever, but we've been
up against terrorists,
124
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:56,838
assassins, the KGB,
the IRA remember, North Korea,
125
00:05:56,840 --> 00:06:01,343
cyborgs, help me out...
LANA: Space pirates...
126
00:06:01,345 --> 00:06:03,812
ARCHER: Oh my God, I forgot
about the space pirates!
127
00:06:03,814 --> 00:06:06,131
But the point is,
we are highly trained
128
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,299
covert operatives with an
extremely dangerous set
129
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:11,403
of skills --
Pam, legs!
130
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,271
-- and since the government
has unjustly accused us
131
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,157
of treason,
we are now forced to transfer
132
00:06:15,159 --> 00:06:19,161
those skills from espionage
to criminal activity,
133
00:06:19,163 --> 00:06:21,913
kind of like the A-Team,
but we sell drugs.
134
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,415
LANA: And you're okay
with that.
135
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,867
ARCHER: Are you not?!
Lana, it's the A-Team
136
00:06:25,869 --> 00:06:29,337
meets Scarface!
That makes me...
137
00:06:29,339 --> 00:06:32,174
LANA: Hannibal Montana?
ARCHER: What the--? Pam?!
138
00:06:32,176 --> 00:06:38,096
Goddammit, tell me you're not --
Pam!
139
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:44,052
Stop eating it, dammit!
LANA: Pam?
140
00:06:44,054 --> 00:06:45,837
Archer?
PAM: He's okay!
141
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,673
He's okay don't come in here
don't come in here he's okay!
142
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:51,814
LANA: Oh shit.
PAM: What,
143
00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:54,134
I said don't come in here!
144
00:07:01,031 --> 00:07:02,282
LANA: No, Leon!
145
00:07:08,966 --> 00:07:12,129
LANA: No, I'm honestly
not judging you...
146
00:07:12,249 --> 00:07:15,467
PAM: Really, so this super-judgy
feeling I'm feeling is just me
147
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:18,803
feeling like you're super-judgy
and that's me?!
148
00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:21,923
LANA: So, um, are you hearing
your words?
149
00:07:21,925 --> 00:07:24,593
PAM: Are you shitting me?
I can't hear anything over
150
00:07:24,595 --> 00:07:29,481
my har --
to beat, yerp,
151
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:32,651
fired back up boop!
LANA: It's just we're like,
152
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,819
two days into this whole
drug cartel thing,
153
00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:37,189
and you're already
addicted to cocaine.
154
00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:41,109
PAM: Oh okay so I should
take life advice from
155
00:07:41,111 --> 00:07:42,135
an unwed mother?!
156
00:07:45,348 --> 00:07:47,573
With a dirty car?!
157
00:07:54,483 --> 00:07:57,599
PAM: Is he dead?
LANA: No.
158
00:07:58,301 --> 00:08:00,583
PAM: He looks dead.
LANA: He's not.
159
00:08:00,585 --> 00:08:02,518
PAM: I think he's dead.
LANA: Pam?
160
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,253
LATINO VOICE: Mis amigas,
por favor!
161
00:08:04,255 --> 00:08:05,922
ARCHER: Unghh...
PAM: Is he a zombie?
162
00:08:05,924 --> 00:08:08,191
LANA: Pam!
LATINO VOICE: Sterling?
163
00:08:08,193 --> 00:08:10,793
Sterling can you hear me?
ARCHER: Ramón?!
164
00:08:10,795 --> 00:08:13,296
RAMÓN: Sí, mi amigo,
soy yo!
165
00:08:13,298 --> 00:08:15,631
LANA: Wh-?
You two know each other?!
166
00:08:15,633 --> 00:08:18,417
ARCHER: Sh-shut your h-hole,
am I d-dying?
167
00:08:18,419 --> 00:08:21,170
RAMÓN: No, amigo, estas bien!
ARCHER: But I'm s-so,
168
00:08:21,172 --> 00:08:24,423
c-co -- oh.
Um...
169
00:08:24,425 --> 00:08:26,375
RAMÓN: She insisted.
PAM: So we could unfreeze
170
00:08:26,377 --> 00:08:28,060
you in the future,
once medical science had
171
00:08:28,062 --> 00:08:30,179
developed a cure for...
headsmash.
172
00:08:30,181 --> 00:08:32,348
ARCHER: And you...
LANA: Acquiesced.
173
00:08:32,350 --> 00:08:35,184
She's all...
coke-strong.
174
00:08:35,186 --> 00:08:37,270
RAMÓN: So yes,
I am your mother's contact.
175
00:08:37,272 --> 00:08:39,238
After Fidel's hitmen try
to kill me --
176
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,691
ARCHER: Ugh, Charles and Rudi,
those dicks.
177
00:08:41,693 --> 00:08:42,909
I wonder what ever happened
to --
178
00:08:42,911 --> 00:08:45,278
RAMÓN: Anyway! I go into hiding,
change my name,
179
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,663
buy this business with some
little money I borrow from Mamá,
180
00:08:47,665 --> 00:08:49,782
and --
ARCHER: Hey, how is your mother?
181
00:08:49,784 --> 00:08:52,785
RAMÓN: Pff, como siempre.
Y la tuya?
182
00:08:52,787 --> 00:08:55,254
CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re --
[ BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! ]
183
00:08:55,256 --> 00:08:57,590
CHERYL/CAROL: Jesus!
Alright already!
184
00:08:57,592 --> 00:09:00,092
MALORY: Thank you.
ARCHER: Como siempre.
185
00:09:00,094 --> 00:09:03,412
RAMÓN: So, she telephone me,
ask if I know some maybe people,
186
00:09:03,414 --> 00:09:05,581
I say yes,
I know some maybe people,
187
00:09:05,583 --> 00:09:07,583
and here we are.
LANA: And, sorry,
188
00:09:07,585 --> 00:09:09,268
you're getting out of this
maybe what?
189
00:09:09,270 --> 00:09:11,938
ARCHER: Lana!
He's helping a dear friend!
190
00:09:11,940 --> 00:09:15,024
RAMÓN: Sí, claro.
And also how you say,
191
00:09:15,026 --> 00:09:17,977
a finder's fee?
Five thousand a kilo.
192
00:09:17,979 --> 00:09:20,262
ARCHER: Oh.
RAMÓN: Because I want to buy
193
00:09:20,264 --> 00:09:22,932
that place...
EVERYBODY: [ Gasps ]
194
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:25,267
RAMÓN: Nice, eh?
Is the best club in Miami.
195
00:09:25,269 --> 00:09:27,486
ARCHER: Uh, duh!
You need investors?!
196
00:09:27,488 --> 00:09:29,655
LANA: Archer, what're you --
ARCHER: Lana, we're gonna need
197
00:09:29,657 --> 00:09:31,824
an office in Miami,
and that office is gonna need
198
00:09:31,826 --> 00:09:34,610
to be a red leather banquette!
RAMÓN: Dios mío,
199
00:09:34,612 --> 00:09:38,331
that would be increíble!
You and me, together at last...
200
00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:41,300
LANA: Implying that you two
haven't ever, cough,
201
00:09:41,302 --> 00:09:44,503
been together, or...?
ARCHER: It was a mission, Lana!
202
00:09:44,505 --> 00:09:46,556
Ramón's Latino,
so he's comfortable
203
00:09:46,558 --> 00:09:49,141
expressing affection!
It doesn't make him gay!
204
00:09:49,143 --> 00:09:50,960
RAMÓN: Although I am.
ARCHER: So go ahead, Lana,
205
00:09:50,962 --> 00:09:52,929
judge away!
PAM: Right?
206
00:09:52,931 --> 00:09:55,014
LANA: I -- Pam shut up,
and Archer you know better,
207
00:09:55,016 --> 00:09:57,817
I don't care about that.
What I do care about are
208
00:09:57,819 --> 00:10:00,186
these buyers of yours, Ramón.
Who are they?
209
00:10:00,188 --> 00:10:03,105
RAMÓN: Just some guys.
We'll go see them, they're cool,
210
00:10:03,107 --> 00:10:05,474
dun't worry about it.
LANA: Kinda feel like I should.
211
00:10:05,476 --> 00:10:08,527
ARCHER: Lana, Ramón vouches
for them, I vouch for him,
212
00:10:08,529 --> 00:10:10,746
and you're embarrassing me!
LANA: I am.
213
00:10:10,748 --> 00:10:16,002
PAM: Kachoooo!
LANA: That's flour, by the way.
214
00:10:16,004 --> 00:10:18,454
PAM: I know.
CHERYL/CAROL: Don't you think
215
00:10:18,456 --> 00:10:21,624
I know that?!
I know it's bad,
216
00:10:21,626 --> 00:10:24,510
I'm not ear-crippled!
GILLETTE: Well,
217
00:10:24,512 --> 00:10:27,179
then maybe being a c --
CHERYL/CAROL: Not a,
218
00:10:27,181 --> 00:10:29,665
the number one country music
singer in all of America,
219
00:10:29,667 --> 00:10:31,300
and some of Canada!
GILLETTE: Well,
220
00:10:31,302 --> 00:10:33,970
what if maybe that goal's
not realistic?
221
00:10:33,972 --> 00:10:39,508
Or even unlaughable?
CHERYL/CAROL: Get out!
222
00:10:39,510 --> 00:10:40,893
ARCHER: Wait, seriously?
RAMÓN: Yes,
223
00:10:40,895 --> 00:10:42,728
they were very clear, no guns.
224
00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:44,480
ARCHER: But --
RAMÓN: I gave mi palabra.
225
00:10:44,482 --> 00:10:46,348
ARCHER: Right, sorry, I --
LANA: Archer.
226
00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:49,151
ARCHER: Lana he gave
his palabra!
227
00:10:49,153 --> 00:10:51,904
LANA: If anything goes wrong
I'm holding you responsible.
228
00:10:51,906 --> 00:10:59,378
ARCHER: Yeah, that'll teach me.
CYRIL: Tough day, huh?
229
00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:01,497
GILLETTE: The high point
was getting shot at.
230
00:11:01,499 --> 00:11:04,050
CYRIL: It's so weird, I mean,
she's a billionaire,
231
00:11:04,052 --> 00:11:06,252
she could be anything,
a world traveler,
232
00:11:06,254 --> 00:11:08,004
an art collector...
GILLETTE: A transatlantic
233
00:11:08,006 --> 00:11:11,090
goddamn balloonist!
CYRIL: So, why does she want
234
00:11:11,092 --> 00:11:14,593
to be a country singer so badly?
Besides being clinically insane.
235
00:11:14,595 --> 00:11:19,649
GILLETTE: Yeah.
Here's to the crazy ones.
236
00:11:19,651 --> 00:11:24,987
CYRIL: Um...
RAMÓN: Ugh, díos mio,
237
00:11:24,989 --> 00:11:28,441
that stinks!
PAM: It's not that bad!
238
00:11:28,443 --> 00:11:33,579
I mean it's not great, but...
This is still some primo shit.
239
00:11:33,581 --> 00:11:36,582
ARCHER: Pam! Quit eating
all the goddamn cocaine!
240
00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:39,251
CHARLES: Yeah,
save some for us, bitches!
241
00:11:39,253 --> 00:11:42,004
ARCHER: Charles and Rudi?!
LANA: Wait, the hitmen?!
242
00:11:42,006 --> 00:11:44,457
RAMÓN: Tranquilo, tranquilo!
It's okay!
243
00:11:44,459 --> 00:11:45,908
CHARLES: Yeah,
we're like BFF's now.
244
00:11:45,910 --> 00:11:47,376
ARCHER: What?!
RAMÓN: Well...
245
00:11:47,378 --> 00:11:49,345
CHARLES: Or whatever,
here's your fondue set, and...
246
00:11:49,347 --> 00:11:51,797
was there only one blue fork?
ARCHER: What the hell?!
247
00:11:51,799 --> 00:11:53,799
CHARLES: And how is
that tone necessary?
248
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:55,584
RUDI: Thank you.
CHARLES: It's a fork.
249
00:11:55,586 --> 00:11:57,887
RAMÓN: And there were two
of each color and you know this
250
00:11:57,889 --> 00:12:00,890
as well as me because we stood
in my kitchen and counted.
251
00:12:00,892 --> 00:12:03,275
CHARLES: Well then I apologize,
and I'll be happy
252
00:12:03,277 --> 00:12:06,362
to throw in another...
five dollars?
253
00:12:06,364 --> 00:12:08,114
RAMÓN: Eighty dollars.
CHARLES: For a fork?!
254
00:12:08,116 --> 00:12:10,265
RAMÓN: You can't buy only one
blue fork,
255
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:12,485
you have to buy the whole set!
CHARLES: Oh, that is such --
256
00:12:12,487 --> 00:12:15,104
okay okay, ya know what?
Fine.
257
00:12:15,106 --> 00:12:17,206
We'll call it one million
and eighty dollars!
258
00:12:17,208 --> 00:12:19,542
RAMÓN: Well, there is a small
problem there.
259
00:12:19,544 --> 00:12:21,443
CHARLES: What, we agreed
on fifty grand a kilo!
260
00:12:21,445 --> 00:12:22,945
And fifty times twenty --
LANA: I think we're probably
261
00:12:22,947 --> 00:12:25,664
a little closer to
nineteen and a half?
262
00:12:25,666 --> 00:12:27,717
CHARLES: Okay, couple Q's,
I'd love some A's.
263
00:12:27,719 --> 00:12:30,002
One, what the hell
is that thing?
264
00:12:30,004 --> 00:12:32,421
ARCHER: We made a body cast
out of the coke.
265
00:12:32,423 --> 00:12:34,456
RAMÓN: But I tested it,
it's very pure.
266
00:12:34,458 --> 00:12:37,309
CHARLES: Mmkay, two,
how can you eat a pound of
267
00:12:37,311 --> 00:12:39,228
cocaine and not be dead?
PAM: I've actually
268
00:12:39,230 --> 00:12:42,481
never felt better!
I hope that lasts.
269
00:12:42,483 --> 00:12:44,233
CHARLES: I'm sure it will,
okay here's the dilly
270
00:12:44,235 --> 00:12:46,352
and the sweets.
We're gonna round that down
271
00:12:46,354 --> 00:12:48,155
to nineteen kilos even,
so I'll just take back
272
00:12:48,156 --> 00:12:49,488
fifty grand...
ARCHER: Way to go, Pam.
273
00:12:49,490 --> 00:12:51,073
CHARLES: And since the coke's
in the shape of
274
00:12:51,075 --> 00:12:52,808
a Poppin' Fresh costume,
and taintsweaty,
275
00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:54,860
I'm taking off another fifty...
ARCHER: The hell you are!
276
00:12:54,862 --> 00:12:56,979
CHARLES: Can I finish?
Can I finish?
277
00:12:56,981 --> 00:12:58,814
Since Ramón gave his word
that you people
278
00:12:58,816 --> 00:13:00,866
wouldn't bring any guns...
ARCHER: We didn't,
279
00:13:00,868 --> 00:13:03,819
not even my underwear gun.
RAMÓN: I gave mi palabra.
280
00:13:03,821 --> 00:13:05,671
CHARLES: Well that's just
terrific.
281
00:13:05,673 --> 00:13:08,824
Because...
You dum-dums,
282
00:13:08,826 --> 00:13:11,427
we're gonna go ahead and take
the cocaine and the money.
283
00:13:11,429 --> 00:13:14,213
ARCHER: Goddammit.
LANA: And so, right about here
284
00:13:14,215 --> 00:13:17,016
is the part where I hold
you responsible.
285
00:13:17,018 --> 00:13:19,552
ARCHER: Oh my God the burden.
RUDI: Make sure
286
00:13:19,554 --> 00:13:21,554
you take the fondue set
CHARLES: Can I finish?!
287
00:13:21,556 --> 00:13:23,272
And I'll take the fondue set.
Because you were a total
288
00:13:23,274 --> 00:13:28,360
b-hole about the fork.
It's not even real Le Creuset.
289
00:13:28,362 --> 00:13:30,446
LANA: Ugh!
RAMÓN: Right?
290
00:13:30,448 --> 00:13:31,447
Of course it is real.
ARCHER: Ramón?
291
00:13:31,449 --> 00:13:33,232
RAMÓN: Just because it's from
the outlet store doesn't mean --
292
00:13:33,234 --> 00:13:34,733
ARCHER: Ramón!
RAMÓN: What?
293
00:13:34,735 --> 00:13:36,990
Sterling, are you angry with me?
294
00:13:37,703 --> 00:13:40,244
Wait, you don't think this is my fault?!
295
00:13:46,223 --> 00:13:48,409
RAMÓN: Sterling, please!
This is loco!
296
00:13:48,982 --> 00:13:51,611
ARCHER: No, Ramón,
getting my stolen money back
297
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,899
isn't loco, it's --
Wait, what's the word
298
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:56,967
for rational?
RAMÓN: Racional.
299
00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:58,869
ARCHER: Goddammit.
LANA: What was loco
300
00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:02,606
was trusting you!
RAMÓN: How can you say that?!
301
00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:05,309
ARCHER: To Ramón, Of all people!
LANA: Look, I don't know
302
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:07,711
what kind of "history"
you two have together, but --
303
00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:09,914
ARCHER: History?!
What're you trying to --
304
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:12,917
that's crazy,
we didn't even kiss!
305
00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:16,353
PAM: Zip!
ARCHER: Do you even hear
306
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,555
how crazy you sound?
LANA: Do you?!
307
00:14:18,557 --> 00:14:21,792
ARCHER: I dunno, yes, shut up.
Ramón, I'm sorry but this whole
308
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:24,595
thing is kinda your fault,
so you're taking us to
309
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,097
wherever Charles and Rudi
are having a money fight
310
00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:31,769
with our million bucks.
RAMÓN: A million and eighty.
311
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,605
ARCHER: Alright, uno rampageeo!
Okay, Lana,
312
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:37,007
LANA: Votes we cut our
losses and go home.
313
00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:39,877
While reminding you,
seemingly unnecessarily,
314
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,346
that she is pregnant.
ARCHER: Oh my God,
315
00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:44,515
how long are you gonna use that
for an excuse?
316
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:46,617
LANA: Probably at least
through childbirth.
317
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:53,223
ARCHER: Oh, you were serious?
MALORY: Alright, I'm going home,
318
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,592
but --
What's her problem?
319
00:14:55,594 --> 00:14:59,063
CYRIL: Scotch.
And also maybe
320
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,565
post-traumatic stress disorder,
from listening to --
321
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,500
CHERYL/CAROL: 40 miles
of mountain road...
322
00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:07,237
MALORY: Carol?
KRIEGER: Yep yep yep!
323
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,340
MALORY: But...
how is that possible?
324
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,874
KRIEGER: I've got the whole
house wired up.
325
00:15:10,876 --> 00:15:15,912
Bedrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms,
other bathrooms,
326
00:15:15,914 --> 00:15:19,933
the swimming pool...
MALORY: I meant! Ass!
327
00:15:19,935 --> 00:15:22,469
KRIEGER: Ow!
MALORY: How is she singing so...
328
00:15:22,471 --> 00:15:24,388
well?
KRIEGER: Probably because
329
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:26,089
she doesn't know anyone's
watching.
330
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:27,608
You'd be amazed
what you people do
331
00:15:27,610 --> 00:15:30,694
when you think you're alone.
Cyril.
332
00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:32,780
CYRIL: Wh-?
Dammitrieger, you -- ow!
333
00:15:32,782 --> 00:15:34,865
MALORY: Turn it up!
CHERYL/CAROL: 40 miles
334
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,450
of Gerogia clay...
ARCHER: Oh my God.
335
00:15:36,452 --> 00:15:38,952
This is exactly
how I pictured their house.
336
00:15:38,954 --> 00:15:41,872
RAMÓN: Oh, wait until you see
inside, díos mio,
337
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,541
they just redid the kitchen.
LANA: Ahem.
338
00:15:44,543 --> 00:15:47,411
ARCHER: What,
just because you have no taste.
339
00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:49,079
LANA: Or patience,
so if you could hurry up
340
00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:50,748
and get our money --
PAM: And cocaine and cocaine
341
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:55,669
get the cocai --
[ BLOOP. ]
342
00:15:55,671 --> 00:15:57,504
PAM: Oh my God Lana, Lana,
you know what I could
343
00:15:57,506 --> 00:16:00,457
totally go for right now?!
LANA: Some cocaine?
344
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:03,093
PAM: Right?!
PAM: Popety, pop pop pop, pow.
345
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:07,297
RAMÓN: Did I tell you?
Here, give me your gun.
346
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:11,301
Now push that button,
right there.
347
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:13,737
ARCHER: This is the
best kitchen ever!
348
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:16,490
CHARLES: Aww mercy, thank you...
Ya know, if we could go back in
349
00:16:16,492 --> 00:16:18,141
time there's a few things
we'd change...
350
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:19,576
ARCHER: Goddammit...
CHARLES: But overall
351
00:16:19,578 --> 00:16:21,245
we're pretty happy.
Even though it's gonna be a
352
00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:23,914
bitch to scrub your brains
out of the grout.
353
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:26,583
RAMÓN: Charles, por favor!
You have your cocaine,
354
00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:29,119
just give them their money!
CHARLES: Oh okay sure,
355
00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:31,872
we've got it right here.
ARCHER: Oh! Great, yes,
356
00:16:31,874 --> 00:16:36,043
and we've got about a five hour
flight home, with Pam...
357
00:16:36,045 --> 00:16:40,597
PAM: Poppety pop pop, cocaine.
ARCHER: So can you
358
00:16:40,599 --> 00:16:42,766
throw in a pound of coke?
CHARLES: Can I?!
359
00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:45,219
I only totally insist!
ARCHER: Oh. So,
360
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:49,506
you're being facetious.
CHARLES: Extra-eemly, yes.
361
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,508
A, the coke is gone...
RAMÓN: What?!
362
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,193
What do you mean, gone?!
CHARLES: Not gone gone,
363
00:16:53,195 --> 00:16:55,479
you-know-who has it --
ARCHER: Wh-?! Ramón?!
364
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:58,031
Who is you-know-who?!
RAMÓN: I, uh --
365
00:16:58,033 --> 00:17:00,284
CHARLES: You still get your cut,
'cuz you-know who says good
366
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:02,486
job on you-know-what!
ARCHER: What?!
367
00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:07,374
RAMÓN: Por qué no te callas?!
ARCHER: Ramón!
368
00:17:07,376 --> 00:17:13,881
[ GUNFIRE ]
ARCHER: Ramón!
369
00:17:13,883 --> 00:17:16,667
RAMÓN: Sterling...
díos mio,
370
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:20,554
I'm... sorry.
LANA: Sorry baby
371
00:17:20,556 --> 00:17:26,977
sorry baby sorry baby...
PAM: Lanaaa! Get cocaaaaaaine!
372
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:30,147
RAMÓN: Oh, Sterling,
I'm s-so c-cold...
373
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:32,683
ARCHER: What, like hearted?
Ramón, what the hell,
374
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:35,269
was this all a scam, or --
RAMÓN: No, I swear,
375
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:39,356
is just muy complicado.
Sorry,
376
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,892
I cannot explain right now.
ARCHER: Oh really?!
377
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:47,063
Why, because you're --
Dying, right, sorry.
378
00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:50,033
RAMÓN: Take the money,
God knows you've earned it.
379
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:55,572
All I ask,
is one small favor...
380
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:58,909
Before I die.
ARCHER: Yes, Ramón,
381
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,578
I'll do anything!
LANA: You name it kid,
382
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,547
savings bond, a puppy,
breastfeed you senseless...
383
00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:07,217
just forgive me
for what's about to happen.
384
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:19,262
LANA: So, um, quick question...
MALORY: Why the hell
385
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,198
were you kissing him?!
LANA: With what appeared
386
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,649
to be tongue...
ARCHER: Because, I --
387
00:18:22,651 --> 00:18:26,436
it was muy complicado Lana!
And the last wish
388
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,906
of a dying man!
LANA: Who you had a crush on.
389
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:32,209
ARCHER: I -- no, I --
go smoke some menthols!
390
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:34,211
MALORY: Alright, Sterling,
calm down.
391
00:18:34,213 --> 00:18:36,780
My God, it's not as if I care.
As long --
392
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,382
ARCHER: As long as I brought
back the money!
393
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:39,583
Is that what you were
going to say?!
394
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:41,502
MALORY: Yes.
And I don't have time for this,
395
00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:44,004
I have a country music star
to manage.
396
00:18:44,006 --> 00:18:46,173
CHERYL/CAROL: Says you!
MALORY: Says your contract,
397
00:18:46,175 --> 00:18:47,808
missy!
Read it!
398
00:18:47,810 --> 00:18:53,146
CHERYL/CAROL: You read it!
Goddammit.
399
00:18:53,148 --> 00:18:56,149
CYRIL: And, I'm sorry,
the money is where, exactly?
400
00:18:56,151 --> 00:18:58,635
ARCHER: Uh, in your
masturbators, you idiot.
401
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:01,522
CYRIL: Oh, I'm the idiot?
ARCHER: I mean, historically...
402
00:19:01,524 --> 00:19:03,657
CYRIL: Well I'm not the one
who sold twenty kilos of coke
403
00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:07,143
for... Monopoly money!
EVERYBODY: Huh? What?
404
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:09,980
CYRIL: It's counterfeit!
Every last bill!
405
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:13,867
MALORY: Son of a...!
Sterling, you fool,
406
00:19:13,869 --> 00:19:15,752
was this was all just a huge
set up!
407
00:19:15,754 --> 00:19:17,588
ARCHER: For what mother,
a funeral?!
408
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:20,657
They're all dead!
LANA: Yeah, but...
409
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,293
are they?
LANA: We got out of there
410
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:26,713
in a hurry...
ARCHER: Ramóoooon!
411
00:19:26,715 --> 00:19:31,134
LANA: Will you come on?!
ARCHER: But the gunshots...
412
00:19:31,136 --> 00:19:35,022
all the blood.
LANA: Blood packs and blanks.
413
00:19:35,024 --> 00:19:38,559
ARCHER: Even Ramón?
LANA: Especially Ramón.
414
00:19:38,561 --> 00:19:41,111
I bet the whole thing
was his idea.
415
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,146
ARCHER: Aha!
You're forgetting a key
416
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,949
piece of the puzzle, Lana!
They'd already stolen our coke,
417
00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:48,518
and they had the money!
Why go to the trouble
418
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:52,522
of a fake shootout?!
CHARLES: See what I'm saying?
419
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:54,708
RAMÓN: But this way,
we have twenty kilos of pure,
420
00:19:54,710 --> 00:19:57,861
uncut, Colombian cocaine.
CHARLES: Holy shit, yes!
421
00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:01,197
Which we had already stolen,
so we still would've had it!
422
00:20:01,199 --> 00:20:03,033
Plus the counterfeit
million dollars,
423
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,885
which now we don't have!
RAMÓN: Ohhhhh...
424
00:20:04,887 --> 00:20:07,203
CHARLES: Like, fifty times
I tried to explain this!
425
00:20:07,205 --> 00:20:09,473
RAMÓN: I see now,
what you were saying.
426
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,475
CHARLES: Ta-daaaaa!
Jesus, it's like trying to
427
00:20:11,477 --> 00:20:14,511
explain particle physics to...
a particle.
428
00:20:14,513 --> 00:20:17,380
RAMÓN: Aha! But this way,
my way, Archer thinks
429
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:21,083
we are dead, so he will never think to come
looking for us again!
430
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:25,476
CHARLES: It was still a stupid,
431
00:20:25,596 --> 00:20:33,335
stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid plan.
432
00:20:33,601 --> 00:20:42,168
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com