1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,491 [CECE SCATTING] Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:03,703 --> 00:00:05,671 CECE: Birthday eve cocktail. - Oh, my God. 3 00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:07,806 You're my favorite bartender. Thank you. 4 00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:12,936 [VOICE CRACKING] Oh, my God. What is that? 5 00:00:13,146 --> 00:00:16,445 Not good? I'm still learning how to make drinks. I'm better at shots. 6 00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:19,083 - Want a birthday shot? - I think I'm good. 7 00:00:19,285 --> 00:00:21,446 So any special birthday plans? 8 00:00:21,654 --> 00:00:23,918 No, she's just gonna go to the movies alone. 9 00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:29,084 No, I'm not actually. This year, Nick asked me to spend the day with him. 10 00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:31,923 That's so sweet. What you gonna do? Something special? 11 00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:35,295 Maybe. Whatever Nick wants to do. I'm not really a birthday person. 12 00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:38,767 - Please. - I do have a lot of expectations for people. 13 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,099 - Happy birthday. - Oh, my God. 14 00:00:45,678 --> 00:00:49,273 "Made in China"? Are you taking me to China? 15 00:00:50,683 --> 00:00:52,150 That's why, a long time ago... 16 00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:55,810 ...I decided that I would spend my birthday alone at the movies. 17 00:00:56,022 --> 00:01:00,789 It's just safer, you know. No getting your hopes up. No getting let down. 18 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,552 I know how you feel about movies. 19 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:07,199 I mean, my parents took me to see Witness and then they never came back. 20 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,163 - What? - I can really quote that movie. 21 00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,701 [IN AMISH ACCENT] "Be careful out among them English." 22 00:01:12,872 --> 00:01:14,362 [IN NORMAL VOICE] But enough about me. 23 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:17,065 I am talking your ear off, lady, and it's your birthday. 24 00:01:17,610 --> 00:01:20,579 This year's different. Maybe Nick has something big planned... 25 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:24,409 ...maybe not. I'm going to be chill. No expectations. 26 00:01:24,617 --> 00:01:26,380 Low maintenance. No maintenance. 27 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,384 I'm gonna be one of those cool girlfriends, like in movies. 28 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:34,390 She has bed head and wears men's shirts and she's just like, "Yeah, cool. 29 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:38,690 I'll wear, like, men's shirts and sneakers. I don't care about how I look." 30 00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:42,599 Hey, hey. 31 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,497 She has no idea about the party. 32 00:01:45,705 --> 00:01:47,696 - Yeah! - Yes! 33 00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:49,670 - Awesome. - Uh, Winston's STD free. 34 00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:50,934 Yeah! 35 00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:52,406 [MEN CHEERING] 36 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:56,013 Whoo! Close call. Yeah. 37 00:01:56,216 --> 00:01:59,379 Yeah. Close call, y'all. 38 00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:01,485 [SINGING] Who's that girl? 39 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,656 CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess 40 00:02:08,828 --> 00:02:11,695 Know how hard it's been for me to keep this party a secret? 41 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:13,365 Nick, it's been an inspiration. 42 00:02:13,566 --> 00:02:16,865 We're gonna help you cross that finish line. This is our Rudy. 43 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,765 - Condescending. Thank you. - Right on. 44 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,600 All right, team check in. Where we at with decorations? 45 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:22,934 - I forgot. - Wait, what? 46 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:27,443 Psych. Ha-ha-ha. I'm the best at stuff. I don't forget stuff. 47 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:28,739 First place. 48 00:02:28,948 --> 00:02:32,406 Wait, why are you first place? I dominated on cake patrol. 49 00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:35,281 Thank you for that. You don't have to add "patrol." 50 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,217 Decorations beats cake. 51 00:02:37,423 --> 00:02:39,755 Uh, no, cake definitely beats decorations. 52 00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,655 - Oh, really? Let's do a word association. - I'm in. 53 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,330 - Birthday. - Decorations. Wait, what did I say? 54 00:02:45,532 --> 00:02:48,831 Schmidt, you ready to transport all electronics to the party venue? 55 00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:52,436 Do you mean this itty-bitty flash drive that I can fit in my pocket... 56 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,403 ...and that is light as air? - I need verbal confirmation. 57 00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:57,439 You insult me. Yes. 58 00:02:57,644 --> 00:03:01,171 - You ready to cover my shift tomorrow? - Born ready. Yes. 59 00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:05,181 Oh. You're giving your Saturday to Cece? That's cool. 60 00:03:05,418 --> 00:03:06,976 That's really wonderful. 61 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,451 - Can you tell I'm being sarcastic? - Absolutely. 62 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,090 - I'm ready. - You set fire to soda water. 63 00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:14,317 Who does that? How do you possibly do that? 64 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,654 It's not a flammable thing. It's not even... 65 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,263 - Are you a witch? - Mike. 66 00:03:19,465 --> 00:03:21,524 MIKE: I hate all of you hipsters so much. 67 00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:24,703 I'm gonna be on Jess watch, make sure she doesn't see anything... 68 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:28,965 ...that will ruin the surprise of this party that has taken everything from me... 69 00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:31,439 ...emotionally and physically and financially. 70 00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:35,341 - So, what do you have planned for the day? - A big surprise party. 71 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:38,415 - Next. - Right. But before then. 72 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:42,519 The party's at 7. What do you have planned before that? 73 00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:44,690 - Wha...? - Nick, you need a plan. 74 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:48,019 I don't care with Jess says, she's going to expect something. 75 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:51,197 - Birthday before the birthday? - The whole day is the birthday. 76 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:54,127 This is your first birthday together as a couple. 77 00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:59,069 All right, you know what? It's gonna be okay. It's her birthday. 78 00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:01,502 That girl is going to wanna sleep in. 79 00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:03,539 My day is not starting until noon. 80 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,370 [ALARM BLARING] 81 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:11,244 This is the time I was born. 82 00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:13,452 I'm wide awake. 83 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,387 [WHISPERING] It's my birthday. 84 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,721 [WHISPERING] I didn't know... 85 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,989 Day started earlier than I thought. I gotta slow down breakfast. 86 00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:30,195 - What's going on with you guys? - First of all, blessings. 87 00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:34,737 Second of all, there may have been a possible mix up with the cake. Possibly. 88 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,775 NICK: "See you in hell, Boomer"? Oh, my God. 89 00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,411 What part of you thought this was Jess' cake? 90 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,774 - Thought it was an inside joke. - I'll do it. 91 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:45,849 - No, I am the cake patrol. - Both of you do the cake. 92 00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:48,850 - I consider this problem solved. - Speaking of problems... 93 00:04:49,055 --> 00:04:51,285 ...want me to check up on Cece? - Not necessary. 94 00:04:51,524 --> 00:04:53,788 All right, I'll do it but you owe me one, bro. 95 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,120 I need to make a 90-minute omelet. 96 00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,697 I love my birthday breakfast. 97 00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:03,868 I can't believe you were gonna make this all yourself. 98 00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:07,562 - With your help, it took six minutes. - I know, I'm so fast. 99 00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:11,869 What do you say we go into my bedroom and, uh, slow things down? 100 00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:13,772 Ooh, ha, ha. 101 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,417 Wow, that's the fastest it's ever taken. 102 00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:20,950 Yeah, I know, you just look very pretty. 103 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,143 [JESS CHUCKLES] 104 00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:24,653 So you wanna take a long nap? 105 00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:26,154 Oh. Um... 106 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,796 If that's what you have planned, then yes. Let's take a long nap. 107 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,932 Perfect. Maybe for like 6, 7 hours. 108 00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,132 JESS: Hmm. 109 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:40,500 - It's just such a nice day out. - Yeah, um, so let's take... 110 00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:42,766 Let's take this party outside. 111 00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:47,275 - Sure. - Next up on the agenda is lunch. 112 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,972 - It's 8:30 in the morning. - Oh, my God. It's so early. 113 00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:58,582 - What are you doing here? - Nick thought you might need help. 114 00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:01,419 Yeah, well, I don't, okay? So you can go. 115 00:06:01,627 --> 00:06:04,460 Maybe I'll just stay for a little bit. Double tap Insta-G's. 116 00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,625 Oh, hey, Mike. Cleaned the glasses. 117 00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:14,970 Broken glass in the ice tub. That'll be fun for me to clean up. 118 00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:17,335 - Sorry... - I'm not gonna cover for you like Nick. 119 00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:21,639 I promise. And don't make eyes at me. It's not gonna work. I'm super gay. 120 00:06:21,848 --> 00:06:24,646 When I look at you, I just see... You know, it's fine. 121 00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:27,786 But it's bumpy, it's creepy. Eh... 122 00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:31,012 Doesn't do anything. It's like looking at this, it's like a... 123 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:35,388 It's not a good... It's not good. 124 00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:38,459 - Okay. - This, all this, everything you've got. 125 00:06:38,664 --> 00:06:39,790 Eh... 126 00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:42,229 Three out of six. 127 00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,133 Damn shame about that cake, Winston. 128 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:49,308 Looks like someone dominated their party task. 129 00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:51,500 Coach, where are all the kazoos? 130 00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:53,736 All over your face. 131 00:06:54,547 --> 00:06:55,707 I'll pick those up. 132 00:06:55,915 --> 00:07:00,113 Or maybe in my spare time, I will make a cake. 133 00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:02,753 [BLOWING NOISEMAKER SUGGESTIVELY] 134 00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:05,651 - Just back off, Coach. - What's up, Nick? 135 00:07:05,858 --> 00:07:09,021 - How's the cake situation? - Can I see the phone real quick? Got it. 136 00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:12,595 Hey, cake is good man. I am on top of it. How's your plan working out? 137 00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:14,630 I have no plan, I am just winging it. 138 00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:18,201 I panicked, took her to a drug store. She's getting a diabetes test. 139 00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:19,871 Is it safe to take her home? 140 00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:22,768 - Hey. - Oh, the birthday girl. 141 00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:25,569 I got the test. My blood sugar is normal. 142 00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:28,042 - Already? You did all that already? - Yeah. 143 00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:32,616 Birthday girl gets all your favorite... Next activity. 144 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:35,014 I see what you're trying to do. Show me up. 145 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,052 What are you talking about, bitch? 146 00:07:37,256 --> 00:07:39,724 I'm referring to basketball. When we used to play... 147 00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:43,726 ...no matter how open I was, you never passed me the ball. Never let me shoot. 148 00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,955 You just couldn't stand to let me shine. 149 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:50,727 Your nostrils are flaring so much right now. It is distracting. 150 00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:54,373 I'm done letting you run the court. I'm building my own court. 151 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:58,305 And it's gonna be bigger and yummier than yours. 152 00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:01,071 Are you challenging me to a bake-off, bitch? 153 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,579 - Yes, I am challenging you to a bake off. - Okay. 154 00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:06,479 Well, then I'll do the countdown. 155 00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,380 Know what? I'll do the countdown. 156 00:08:09,255 --> 00:08:13,783 The countdown begins when this timer goes off. 157 00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:15,084 [TIMER TICKING] 158 00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:16,420 [EXHALES AGGRESSIVELY] 159 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,324 You set the timer for 20 minutes. 160 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:22,964 [WINDING TIMER] 161 00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:27,897 I'm gonna make a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like: 162 00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:31,599 "Ew, why do you say 'moist'? I hate that word." 163 00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:34,075 I'll be like, "Just taste the cake." 164 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,443 They're gonna be like, "Damn, it's moist." 165 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,174 - And bake. I said it first. - Bake. I said it first. 166 00:08:40,386 --> 00:08:42,013 WINSTON: I said it first. - I said it first. 167 00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:48,760 A customer ordered an old fashioned and she got gin in a mug with a peanut in it. 168 00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:51,156 - I'll fix it. - Make me an old fashioned now... 169 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,524 ...or I call the manager. 170 00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:55,666 I wanna talk to him anyway because he's just gorgeous. 171 00:08:55,868 --> 00:09:00,271 I wanna be a barnacle on his ship. Just hanging on by my mouth. 172 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:03,237 Getting all the nutrients I need. 173 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:07,879 Old fashioned, old fashioned, old fashioned. It probably has something like absinthe. 174 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,947 Oh, the old fashioned. One of my favorite drinks. 175 00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,550 A classic cocktail. 176 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,454 First, a half ounce of simple syrup. 177 00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:22,957 A splash of water. Two dashes of bitters. 178 00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:25,960 Mix that up with some ice and then, you know... 179 00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:30,124 ...my personal favorite, you know, and far be it for me... 180 00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:34,295 ...but the bourbon whiskey. Two ounces of bourbon whiskey. 181 00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:38,238 No. It's not the Scotch whiskey. 182 00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:41,174 Certainly not the vermouth. Vermouth would be insane. 183 00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:43,871 Yes, the bourbon whiskey. My favorite. 184 00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,209 Wonderful. 185 00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,845 Look at that. Old fashioned. 186 00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:50,352 [CECE CLEARS THROAT] 187 00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:52,414 Old fashioned. 188 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:56,322 Oh, my stars and garters. You made a drink. 189 00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,224 Holy crud. 190 00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,033 [PHONE RINGS] 191 00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:06,204 Yes, Nick. I have the electronics. 192 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:10,535 Do you know any, like, time-consuming and free activities in Griffith Park? 193 00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:12,870 Gross. Suicide? 194 00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:15,343 Schmidt, please, I need some... 195 00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:17,880 Just figure it out, dude. 196 00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:19,244 Uh, it's my mom. 197 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,444 Okay. Found the biggest rock I could carry. 198 00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:25,180 - It was this one. It's heavy. - It's huge, yeah. 199 00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:28,554 Oh, my God. What are we doing here? 200 00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:31,025 It's not that I'm not having fun. Because I am. 201 00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:34,923 It's okay if you didn't plan anything for my birthday. 202 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,601 - Are you kidding? - Really, Nick. 203 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:40,101 Not only did I plan something but my plan is about to blow your mind. 204 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,467 - Honestly. - You need to trust me a little... 205 00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:46,441 ...because everything is about to be made very clear very soon. 206 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,410 Oh, my God. Nick. 207 00:10:50,916 --> 00:10:52,577 - You're the best. - I'm amazing. 208 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:54,582 - I'm so surprised. - I'm so surprised. 209 00:10:54,787 --> 00:10:55,981 - This is amazing. - Amazing. 210 00:10:56,188 --> 00:11:00,818 - This is amazing. Yay. - Oh, son of a bitch. Don't touch anything. 211 00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:03,086 - It'll ruin the surprise. Yeah. - Yay. 212 00:11:03,295 --> 00:11:04,785 - Yay. - Yeah. 213 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:06,931 - Yay. - Jess, let's get out of here... 214 00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:11,001 ...before anything ruins this moment. Wait. Because we got a whole ceremony. 215 00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:12,727 No. 216 00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:15,498 That lady took my birthday. 217 00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:17,935 What is happening? 218 00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,312 - Jess, look, look, I'm sorry. - No, no, no. 219 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,580 Nick. I just... I don't know why I get so crazy about birthdays. 220 00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:31,814 You know, it's crazy. 221 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:35,960 Because you had a very fun day put together. Eggs and sex. 222 00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:39,427 And a really long uphill walk. 223 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:43,966 And look, that's amazing for you. You know? 224 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:47,264 - For me? - You're not a guy who plans things. 225 00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:50,999 - Maybe I am. - Look, every day... 226 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:54,145 ...you show me in your own way how you care about me. 227 00:11:54,346 --> 00:11:56,814 Like when you pick up rubber bands on the sidewalk. 228 00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:59,280 - For your ponytails. - I could not be more fine. 229 00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,009 I'm super-chill. 230 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,184 I'm just gonna go home for a second. 231 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:08,053 - Let's keep... Jess. - Bye. Don't follow me. 232 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:13,023 - Sure you know how to tap a keg? - How hard could it be? It's beer. 233 00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:14,665 It's the drink of idiots. 234 00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:17,961 - Nick told me something... There's a knob. - Cece, I got it. 235 00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:20,570 - I got it in. - Lf I turn, I should be able to... 236 00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:22,738 CECE: Oh, my God. SCHMIDT: Oh, no. 237 00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:24,374 - Turn it off. CECE: I'm sorry. 238 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,841 - Turn it off. CECE: It just... 239 00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:30,741 You butthole. 240 00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:33,951 You can't do anything right, can you? 241 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,820 I'm so sorry. 242 00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:46,092 He's right though. I can't do anything. No skills. 243 00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:48,766 I never told you. I didn't even graduate high school. 244 00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:55,736 A lot of people never graduated high school. Einstein. Bill Gates. Anne Frank. 245 00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:59,567 - I'm gonna take back that last one. - Why did I think that I could bartend? 246 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,270 Because you can. 247 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:07,282 You are strong and you are confident. Those are skills. Use them. 248 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,456 Be a little bit meaner to the people here. It should be easier. Pretend they're me. 249 00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:12,954 [CHUCKLES] 250 00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:14,791 You're right, that is easy. 251 00:13:15,027 --> 00:13:17,757 And pull your shirt down a bit. This isn't a monastery. 252 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:21,228 - Do not push your luck with me. - I'll look away. 253 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:25,528 - You're wearing paper towels. - No, its environmental friendly... 254 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,399 - Recyclable. - Behind. Behind. 255 00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:29,767 - Really, okay? - Behind. 256 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,273 WINSTON: Behind. - Behind. 257 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,911 WINSTON: Whoa, behind. - Behind. 258 00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:35,876 WINSTON: Behind. Ha, ha. 259 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,107 - And so you... Whoa. - Behind. 260 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,878 Behind. In front. Behind. 261 00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:46,248 [SOBBING] 262 00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:51,259 - It's Jess. I mean, it's Jess. Hey. - What's up, girl? What are you doing home? 263 00:13:51,463 --> 00:13:54,899 - I'm great. I'm great. - [WHISPERING] Behind. 264 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,295 - [WHISPERING] Behind. - How is your day going? 265 00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:01,667 - Good? - Are you crying? 266 00:14:05,144 --> 00:14:06,941 - I got mine off first. - No, you didn't. 267 00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,943 - Rest up. - What a day, guys. 268 00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:11,582 - Really long. - Bet you had a long day, huh? 269 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:12,944 I'm really fine. 270 00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:16,349 I had a real day. You know? 271 00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,649 - I'm disappointed in Nick. - Yeah. You gotta let that out. 272 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:24,853 I'm disappointed in myself because I'm disappointed in Nick, you know? 273 00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:26,621 - I feel you. - That's messed up. 274 00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:28,527 - Let it out. - I'm getting up. 275 00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:32,670 No, no, no. Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. 276 00:14:33,739 --> 00:14:36,367 I want you to close your eyes. Breathe deep. 277 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:41,376 And go to the most magical place on Earth: Your imagination. 278 00:14:41,647 --> 00:14:44,207 - Have you been baking? - No, a bakery downtown exploded. 279 00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:47,112 Don't look into it, it's not on the Internet. 280 00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:51,517 - Yeah, she is here. What happened? - She doesn't think I can do anything... 281 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:55,820 ...or plan anything and it feels like crap. Maybe she's right. 282 00:14:56,028 --> 00:14:57,825 Why did I think I could pull this off? 283 00:14:58,030 --> 00:14:59,998 Pretty sure I'm having a heart attack... 284 00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:03,566 ...and I haven't arranged for anybody to clear my Internet history. 285 00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:07,364 I wasn't building a bomb, I was just curious. 286 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,564 You got a team of friends pulling for you. 287 00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:12,039 Just get home. You can still pull this off. 288 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:15,479 - Hey, Mike. - What? 289 00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:18,206 Cleaned the beer trap, I polished the wine glasses... 290 00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:21,875 ...and I turned that penis graffiti in the bathroom into a whimsical hat. 291 00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:24,814 Now, my friend and I have to go to a party. 292 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,188 All right, Schmidt. Let's go. 293 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,726 - You called me your friend. - Did I? 294 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,193 No matter what we see... 295 00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:36,368 ...I want you to know that it's been an honor working with you. 296 00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:38,661 You too, man. 297 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:48,736 Look at that. 298 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,714 Oh, my God. 299 00:15:55,120 --> 00:16:00,023 - Man. - Our, uh, cakes merged. 300 00:16:00,225 --> 00:16:02,090 It looks as if they have. 301 00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:06,586 [DOOR OPENS] 302 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,027 NICK: Hey. - Aah. 303 00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:12,465 - Team check in, where we at? - Our cakes became double cake. 304 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,400 Two cakes. 305 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:17,905 NICK: Two cakes became one? - Two cakes. 306 00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:19,907 - Fantastic. I'll go get Jess. - Cool. 307 00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:21,739 Jess? 308 00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,748 Hey, guys. 309 00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,952 - What's up, man? - She's at the movies. 310 00:16:30,856 --> 00:16:33,791 This might actually work. Come on. 311 00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:38,121 More. More. 312 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,465 More. 313 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,464 Uh, and okay. I think we're good. 314 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:44,829 Same to the second one. 315 00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,446 Hey, Jess. It's Nick. 316 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,474 You obviously knew that. 317 00:16:56,682 --> 00:17:00,812 I know this is where you always go on your birthday to be by yourself. 318 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:04,114 But I thought this year you might want a little company. 319 00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:07,349 - Mind if I sit? - Look under the seat. 320 00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:11,792 Now please read the card. I'll wait. 321 00:17:11,997 --> 00:17:14,329 - How did you know I was gonna sit here? - I put one under every seat. 322 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,501 - You gotta go fast. The timing. - Okay. 323 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,670 "My name is Jess I like to wear tights 324 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,362 It's dark in this room So let's turn on the lights" 325 00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:23,541 [ALL CHEERING] 326 00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:28,135 That's enough. Timing, guys. Timing. 327 00:17:34,653 --> 00:17:37,918 WINSTON: In the beginning, there was nothing, then there was light and dark... 328 00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:41,490 ... and oceans and birds and stuff. Then there was Jess. 329 00:17:41,693 --> 00:17:44,253 JESS: Nick, this was the plan all along? 330 00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:52,230 - What do I think of when I think of Jess? - When I think of Jess... 331 00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,804 - Okay. - When I think about Jess... 332 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:58,170 I think of how sweet she is and how smart she is. 333 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:03,879 - Glasses and the hair thing. - I think of dance parties and sleepovers. 334 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,210 Jess does not like being tackled. 335 00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:08,919 Eyes. Two eyes. 336 00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:10,884 Happy birthday, Miss Day. 337 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:17,154 Your youthful exuberance exhausts me. 338 00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:19,353 May it fade with each passing year. 339 00:18:19,565 --> 00:18:21,999 She made me try papayas. That was cool. 340 00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:23,725 They are super soft inside. 341 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,336 Jess is the upstairs lady. 342 00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:31,066 There is a... I feel like I'm not doing this right. 343 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:33,369 Ha-ha-ha. You make mistakes. 344 00:18:33,579 --> 00:18:36,639 Happy birthday to my best work friend. 345 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,248 Tina, if you see this, I'm sorry. 346 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:42,318 I feel like we've drifted apart after Jeremy's cocaine thing. 347 00:18:42,521 --> 00:18:43,886 It was awkward. 348 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,957 "When the stirrups of life start to feel like the speculum of old age..." 349 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,991 I'm not reading this. 350 00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:52,527 Happy birthday, Jess. Your boyfriend is sweet. 351 00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:55,723 And simple. And will not get out of my waiting room. 352 00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:58,266 I saw a squirrel once. It looked like Jess. 353 00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:02,264 Then it attacked my sister so I had to beat it with a stick. 354 00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,874 And then it didn't look like Jess anymore. 355 00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:07,136 Happy birthday. It's Bearclaw. 356 00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:10,645 [SINGING] Birthdaying Winston is about to do some... 357 00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,851 He said a bunch but it was weird and racist. 358 00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:19,683 Happy birthday, Miss Day. Yay! 359 00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:23,486 What I remember most of all is the pain. 360 00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:27,256 Honestly. It was 36 hours, more than that... 361 00:19:27,466 --> 00:19:31,368 ... of just searing, ripping... And then: 362 00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,162 [MIMICKING BABY CRYING] 363 00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:34,862 [LAUGHS] 364 00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:40,067 Out you came, the most beautiful, beautiful little baby... 365 00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:42,839 ... I ever saw in my life and I forgot all the pain. 366 00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,575 When you were born, I got a deli sandwich at the hospital cafeteria. 367 00:19:46,785 --> 00:19:48,582 And then there was a baby. 368 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:53,016 Happy birthday to my oldest and best friend. 369 00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:55,420 - Happy birthday, Miss Day. - Happy birthday. 370 00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:57,754 - Birthday. - Happy birthday, Jess. 371 00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:01,330 - Happy birthday, Jess. - Happy birthday. Bearclaw. 372 00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,330 I love you. Happy birthday. 373 00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:05,025 Happy, happy birthday. 374 00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:07,671 You have a cool boyfriend. 375 00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:11,276 This is the coin I had in my pocket the first night we kissed. 376 00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:14,644 And I always have it. 377 00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:15,972 Happy birthday, Jess. 378 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:21,050 [SINGING] Happy birthday to you 379 00:20:21,253 --> 00:20:26,316 ALL [SINGING]: Happy birthday to you 380 00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:31,787 Happy birthday, dear Jess 381 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,456 Where'd she? 382 00:20:39,671 --> 00:20:43,903 Hey, Jess. I'm so sorry. That was cheesy and embarrassing. 383 00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:47,078 I didn't have great talent to work with. Winston was terrible. 384 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:58,089 That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. 385 00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:04,395 [WHISPERS] And I'm sorry. 386 00:21:07,499 --> 00:21:08,864 SCHMIDT: Shh, shh! 387 00:21:09,134 --> 00:21:10,192 It's starting. 388 00:21:13,739 --> 00:21:14,865 [CAR LOCK BEEPS] 389 00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:17,064 Happy birthday, Jess. 390 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:21,702 - That was so stupid. - What is wrong with you? 391 00:21:21,913 --> 00:21:23,744 - You should be ashamed... - Come on, Schmidt. 392 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:25,040 Quit it. 393 00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:27,218 [DINOSAURS ROARING] 394 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,247 [SCHMIDT YELLS] 395 00:21:31,456 --> 00:21:32,445 Boo. 396 00:21:36,094 --> 00:21:38,858 SCHMIDT: What the hell, man? This is an important vehicle for me. Ripped By mstoll