1 00:00:01,042 --> 00:00:04,690 MALORY (sighs): Ruined. Completely... 2 00:00:04,930 --> 00:00:05,738 ARCHER: Mother, come on, we're not... 3 00:00:05,865 --> 00:00:07,462 MALORY: Shut up. And utterly... 4 00:00:07,599 --> 00:00:09,599 ARCHER: We're not... MALORY: Shut up. And ruined! 5 00:00:09,601 --> 00:00:11,186 ARCHER: We're not "ruined," Camille. 6 00:00:11,308 --> 00:00:13,291 We've got 2,000 pounds of cocaine. 7 00:00:13,293 --> 00:00:15,293 LANA: Minus the 20 kilos you sold for Monopoly money, oh, 8 00:00:15,295 --> 00:00:18,346 minus however much Pam ate, probably two kilos. 9 00:00:18,348 --> 00:00:21,266 PAM: Or three, or whatever. ARCHER: Quit eating all the 10 00:00:21,268 --> 00:00:25,387 goddamn cocaine! PAM: Make me! 11 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:28,854 (Archer yells) ARCHER: My point, unless Pam 12 00:00:28,856 --> 00:00:31,607 ate it, is that things could be a lot worse. 13 00:00:31,609 --> 00:00:33,692 MALORY: How? You sold a million dollars of 14 00:00:33,694 --> 00:00:35,861 product for this worthless stack of paper. 15 00:00:35,863 --> 00:00:37,789 How could it be any worse? (groans) 16 00:00:40,868 --> 00:00:43,902 CYRIL: I, uh, hate to agree with Archer, but it could be 17 00:00:43,904 --> 00:00:45,904 worse-- these are actually really good fakes. 18 00:00:45,906 --> 00:00:47,906 I mean, not good enough to deposit in a bank, but... 19 00:00:47,908 --> 00:00:50,776 ARCHER: Good enough to pass in, say, a deli? 20 00:00:50,778 --> 00:00:52,978 CYRIL: Yeah, I guess, but... ARCHER: Shut up. 21 00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:55,697 So you take a hundred, go buy a pack of gum, and walk 22 00:00:55,699 --> 00:00:58,751 out with $99.50 in change. CYRIL: Hey, that's brilliant, 23 00:00:58,753 --> 00:01:00,719 Archer. ARCHER: Yeah, plus gum? 24 00:01:00,721 --> 00:01:03,756 CYRIL: So you're gonna do that 10,000 times? 25 00:01:03,758 --> 00:01:05,758 ARCHER: Well, not me personally. 26 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,594 MALORY: Not anyone personally; it's idiotic. 27 00:01:08,596 --> 00:01:11,563 What we need is a big-ticket item. 28 00:01:11,565 --> 00:01:13,565 PAM: Like a big bag of cocaine! 29 00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:15,567 LANA: The last thing we need is more cocaine. 30 00:01:15,569 --> 00:01:17,569 PAM: Disagree. LANA: Because you are 31 00:01:17,571 --> 00:01:19,571 addicted to cocaine. PAM: Your words. 32 00:01:19,573 --> 00:01:21,640 ARCHER: Hey, wait a second, I've got the perfect big-ticket 33 00:01:21,642 --> 00:01:23,692 item-- Cadillacs! RON: Nope. 34 00:01:23,694 --> 00:01:25,711 ARCHER: Let me finish. RON: Oh, I'm sorry, please, 35 00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:27,880 uh, skip ahead to the part where I'm out 50 Caddies with your 36 00:01:27,882 --> 00:01:30,849 counterfeit money in the one hand and my schlong in 37 00:01:30,851 --> 00:01:32,851 the other. ARCHER: Well, not now. 38 00:01:32,853 --> 00:01:34,853 You ruined it. MALORY: The mental image 39 00:01:34,855 --> 00:01:36,855 alone. LANA: And besides, what 40 00:01:36,857 --> 00:01:38,857 were you planning to do with 50 Cadillacs? 41 00:01:38,859 --> 00:01:40,859 ARCHER: Um, open a dealership? 42 00:01:40,861 --> 00:01:43,796 What? Ron's done very well. MALORY: Speaking of, 43 00:01:43,798 --> 00:01:45,881 why aren't you at work? RON: Everything's on 44 00:01:45,883 --> 00:01:47,916 autopilot. There's nothing for me to do. 45 00:01:47,918 --> 00:01:50,836 I am so bored. PAM: Have you tried cocaine? 46 00:01:50,838 --> 00:01:53,722 RON: No, no, nah. Smoked a reefer cigarette once. 47 00:01:53,724 --> 00:01:55,841 LANA: Uh, let me guess, with some Negroes? 48 00:01:55,843 --> 00:01:58,594 RON: As luck would have it. CYRIL: What about guns? 49 00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:00,712 RON: No, no, they seemed nice, jazz cats. 50 00:02:00,714 --> 00:02:02,815 CYRIL: No, why don't we buy guns? 51 00:02:02,817 --> 00:02:05,684 I mean, I assume rival drug dealers aren't gonna be too 52 00:02:05,686 --> 00:02:07,736 happy with us... LANA: And since the FBI 53 00:02:07,738 --> 00:02:10,656 seized all the ISIS weapons when they took the building. 54 00:02:10,658 --> 00:02:12,724 ARCHER: Oh, my God. All we have now is my Walther 55 00:02:12,726 --> 00:02:15,577 and what, Lana, your TEC-9's? LANA: Yeah, for which I have 56 00:02:15,579 --> 00:02:17,613 no ammo. ARCHER: What? 57 00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:19,615 LANA: I used to get it from work. 58 00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,633 ARCHER: Okay, if we're doing a list? 59 00:02:21,635 --> 00:02:23,619 Bullets. MALORY: Oh for... Sterling, 60 00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:25,904 Lana, go through the old ISIS files and find an arms dealer. 61 00:02:25,906 --> 00:02:30,676 Cyril, go lock up the product before Cokie Monster here 62 00:02:30,678 --> 00:02:32,744 gobbles it all up, and Ron, take me to lunch. 63 00:02:32,746 --> 00:02:34,746 RON: It's 8:30 in the morning. 64 00:02:34,748 --> 00:02:36,748 MALORY: A bar, then! Whatever! 65 00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:39,584 Ooh, or maybe a jazz club. We can smoke reefers with these 66 00:02:39,586 --> 00:02:41,687 Negroes you're suddenly so nuts about. 67 00:02:41,689 --> 00:02:43,956 RON: It was 1940! CYRIL And where am I supposed 68 00:02:43,958 --> 00:02:46,592 to lock up 2,000 pounds of cocaine? 69 00:02:46,594 --> 00:02:48,760 ARCHER: Cyril, look around. Somewhere in this mansion, I 70 00:02:48,762 --> 00:02:54,599 have to assume, is a gigantic, Scrooge McDuckian vault. 71 00:02:54,601 --> 00:02:59,872 PAM: Scrooge McDuck, eh? (gobbling cocaine) 72 00:02:59,874 --> 00:03:03,761 (coughs) Sweater. 73 00:03:04,755 --> 00:03:14,722 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 74 00:03:41,951 --> 00:03:43,435 MALORY: All right. Where are we? 75 00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:46,023 Lana, did you find an arms dealer? 76 00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:48,960 LANA: Mmm, no, all we've got so far is Spyridon Skorpio 77 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,028 and Conway Stern. CYRIL: Geez, those are old 78 00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:52,947 files. LANA: One of whom we blew 79 00:03:52,949 --> 00:03:55,116 up, the other of whom's hand we gruesomely ripped off. 80 00:03:55,118 --> 00:03:58,169 ARCHER: And both of whom bring up extremely uncomfortable 81 00:03:58,171 --> 00:04:02,039 sexual memories for... uh, 40% to 60% of the people in 82 00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,041 this room. MALORY: Hmph. 83 00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:06,844 Oh, what about Ray's brother, the pot farmer? 84 00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:08,829 He had lots of guns. LANA: Yeah, he's doing life 85 00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:11,215 in prison. RAY: Now, that's the song 86 00:04:11,217 --> 00:04:14,151 you should write. CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh, or maybe 87 00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:17,021 one about a crippled cyborg, who all he did was pussy-ache about 88 00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:21,192 being a crippled cyborg! (Ray cries) 89 00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:23,995 MALORY: Well, keep looking. And, Cyril, you've got the 90 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:26,063 product under lock and key? CYRIL: Yup, in the kitchen 91 00:04:26,065 --> 00:04:28,065 pantry. There's no Scrooge McDucky 92 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,067 vault. MALORY: No what? 93 00:04:30,069 --> 00:04:32,069 ARCHER: Uh, how about an old-timey gymnasium full of 94 00:04:32,071 --> 00:04:35,873 Indian clubs and medicine balls? WOODHOUSE: Hello? 95 00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:39,076 I've finished! CYRIL: There is one of those. 96 00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:41,078 MALORY: Oh, and it was a good idea to lock up all the 97 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,080 counterfeit money. CYRIL: Yeah, good job, 98 00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:45,082 whoever did that. LANA: Wait, did you not? 99 00:04:45,084 --> 00:04:47,084 CYRIL: Mmm, no, I... MALORY: What? 100 00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:50,021 Well, where the hell is it? PAM: Welp! 101 00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:52,123 I've got good news and good news. 102 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:55,126 MALORY: Amphetamines?! PAM: Right? 103 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:58,095 And I know it sounds crazy, but I like them as much as cocaine. 104 00:04:58,097 --> 00:05:00,965 MALORY: Where did you get them? 105 00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,967 PAM: Okay, okay, okay, so remember how I used to 106 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,969 drift-race with the Yakuza? ARCHER: The Yakuza? 107 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,004 PAM: Hai. MALORY: What, were the 108 00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:09,974 Hells Angels busy? PAM: Busy being pussies. 109 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,860 You know, relatively. When compared to the deadly and 110 00:05:12,862 --> 00:05:14,979 terrible Yakuza. ARCHER: Yeah, and on a 111 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,098 related note, Pam, what do you think's gonna happen when they 112 00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:19,100 realize the money is counterfeit? 113 00:05:19,102 --> 00:05:22,853 PAM: Oh, my God, right? Can you imagine? 114 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:24,989 LANA: Yes, Pam, we can. CYRIL: Oh, my God, they chop 115 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,158 off their own fingers. MALORY: Do they know how to 116 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,861 find you? PAM: Um... 117 00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:35,132 Well, they know I work at ISIS, but that won't do them any good. 118 00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:37,968 MALORY: Well, thank... PAM: Although... 119 00:05:37,970 --> 00:05:42,006 Whooooo! Domo arigato, fellas. 120 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:45,009 Two of them have been to my apartment. 121 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:48,245 You, too, Ojiisan. Or three, or whatever. 122 00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:50,231 ARCHER: Oh, Jesus Christ. Can the mind vomit? 123 00:05:50,233 --> 00:05:52,233 PAM: But now I live here, so... 124 00:05:52,235 --> 00:05:54,185 MALORY: Well, thank God, the... 125 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:59,190 PAM: Although... YAKUZA TOUGH: Hmm? 126 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,893 YAKUZA TOUGH 2: Hmm. Hmm-hmm. 127 00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:06,764 Mmm, mm-hmm. (laughs) 128 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:21,240 _ 129 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:25,583 ARCHER: Ugh, yes, the mind can, in fact, vomit. 130 00:06:25,703 --> 00:06:29,307 (phone ringing) 131 00:06:30,131 --> 00:06:33,958 (gobbling pills) PAM: I'm not here. 132 00:06:39,275 --> 00:06:42,109 (phone ringing) WOODHOUSE: Oh, dear God. 133 00:06:42,349 --> 00:06:45,350 Telephone clanging away, and me trapped. 134 00:06:45,352 --> 00:06:47,485 It's a good servant's worst nightmare. 135 00:06:47,487 --> 00:06:50,554 I don't know how this could possibly be any wor... 136 00:06:50,556 --> 00:06:54,359 (doorbell ringing) Oh. 137 00:06:54,361 --> 00:06:57,362 KRIEGER: Hey, so, did somebody order Chinese? 138 00:06:57,364 --> 00:06:59,247 MALORY: They're Japanese, you idiot! 139 00:06:59,249 --> 00:07:01,249 (groaning) KRIEGER: Oh, for... I don't 140 00:07:01,251 --> 00:07:03,251 get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman 141 00:07:03,253 --> 00:07:05,570 for a Swede! Either time that happened! 142 00:07:05,572 --> 00:07:08,256 (phone rings) CHERYL/CAROL: Answer the 143 00:07:08,258 --> 00:07:10,341 goddamn telephone! GILLETTE: Now, there's 144 00:07:10,343 --> 00:07:11,676 your song! PAM: No! 145 00:07:11,678 --> 00:07:13,511 MALORY: Answer it! PAM: Make me! 146 00:07:13,513 --> 00:07:16,230 (sobbing): Holy shitsnacks. LANA: I will break both of 147 00:07:16,232 --> 00:07:18,232 your collarbones, and then pull them out of your body, 148 00:07:18,234 --> 00:07:21,235 and then use them to play, in its entirety and on your 149 00:07:21,237 --> 00:07:23,521 head, "Moby Dick." KRIEGER: Bonham's a pussy. 150 00:07:23,523 --> 00:07:26,240 HOLOGRAM: Maybe you pussy! LANA: Pam? 151 00:07:26,242 --> 00:07:29,410 (Pam clears throat) PAM (posh accent): Hello? 152 00:07:29,412 --> 00:07:32,463 MOTO: Shiro kabocha. PAM (gasps): It's Mr. Moto! 153 00:07:32,465 --> 00:07:36,334 MOTO: Shiro kabocha, I am very ashamed... 154 00:07:36,336 --> 00:07:41,255 Your new home is so beautiful, but I did not bring 155 00:07:41,257 --> 00:07:43,624 a housewarming gift. PAM: Hey, you know what? 156 00:07:43,626 --> 00:07:46,544 Don't even sweat it, because... Hmm? 157 00:07:46,546 --> 00:07:52,216 Hai. Hai. Hai. Mm-kay, bye. 158 00:07:52,218 --> 00:07:54,252 ARCHER: Wait-- didn't you shoot that guy? 159 00:07:54,254 --> 00:07:57,438 MALORY: Oh, who remembers? Well, what did he say? 160 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,590 PAM: Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his 161 00:07:59,592 --> 00:08:02,443 drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not 162 00:08:02,445 --> 00:08:05,229 gonna be playing the violin any time soon. 163 00:08:05,231 --> 00:08:07,365 ARCHER: Because? PAM: Because a violin would 164 00:08:07,367 --> 00:08:09,367 probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved 165 00:08:09,369 --> 00:08:11,369 that guy in. ALL: Ew! 166 00:08:11,371 --> 00:08:13,438 LANA: But if all Moto wants is his drugs... 167 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,440 MALORY: Then he can give us a refund. 168 00:08:15,442 --> 00:08:17,442 LANA: Of worthless counterfeit money? 169 00:08:17,444 --> 00:08:19,443 CYRIL: It's not exactly worthless. 170 00:08:19,445 --> 00:08:22,246 The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar 171 00:08:22,248 --> 00:08:23,748 for it. MALORY: What?! 172 00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:26,317 Why didn't you say that?! CYRIL: Uh, I don't know. 173 00:08:26,319 --> 00:08:28,469 I assumed you knew. RON: Everybody knows that. 174 00:08:28,471 --> 00:08:30,588 MALORY: Ron?! LANA: I say screw the money. 175 00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:33,458 Let's just give Moto his drugs and be glad we dodged 176 00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:36,360 this giant metaphorical bullet. ARCHER: Hey, and where are we 177 00:08:36,362 --> 00:08:39,363 on that list? LANA: Malory? 178 00:08:39,365 --> 00:08:42,333 MALORY: Oh, all right! We obviously can't go to war 179 00:08:42,335 --> 00:08:44,402 with the Yakuza. ARCHER: Uh, not without 180 00:08:44,404 --> 00:08:46,337 normal-size, non-metaphorical bullets. 181 00:08:46,339 --> 00:08:49,207 MALORY: But, Pam, if there ever are any, this comes out 182 00:08:49,209 --> 00:08:54,278 of your share of the profits. (Pam sobs) 183 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,415 How is that not fair? PAM: Moto doesn't just want 184 00:08:57,417 --> 00:09:02,420 the pills...! He also wants my 185 00:09:02,422 --> 00:09:07,592 heh-heh-heh-head! Non-metaph-phuh-phuh-phuh-phuh- 186 00:09:07,594 --> 00:09:10,428 ARCHER: ...phorically speaking, Pam, we got it. 187 00:09:10,430 --> 00:09:12,330 CYRIL: Wait-- he's still gonna kill you? 188 00:09:12,332 --> 00:09:14,298 LANA Even if you give back the pills? 189 00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,434 PAM: Yes! LANA: Oh, hey, hey, shh. 190 00:09:16,436 --> 00:09:20,304 Come on. We're not gonna let the Yakuza kill you. 191 00:09:20,306 --> 00:09:23,608 MALORY: Although... (Pam sobs loudly) 192 00:09:23,610 --> 00:09:25,876 CHERYL/CAROL: Christ on drums, people! What?! 193 00:09:25,878 --> 00:09:28,479 ARCHER: Pam screwed the Yakuza out of a million bucks 194 00:09:28,481 --> 00:09:31,349 of amphetamines, so now they're gonna cut her head off. 195 00:09:31,351 --> 00:09:32,733 CHERYL/CAROL: Wait-- since breakfast?! 196 00:09:32,735 --> 00:09:34,452 RON: You had breakfast here?! MALORY: Ron! 197 00:09:34,454 --> 00:09:36,420 LANA: And apparently, they've got your house completely 198 00:09:36,422 --> 00:09:38,523 surrounded, so... CHERYL/CAROL: So call 199 00:09:38,525 --> 00:09:40,625 the police. MALORY: Ooh, good idea, and 200 00:09:40,627 --> 00:09:43,528 when they get here, we can show them the drugs we bought 201 00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:46,564 with the counterfeit money we got from selling cocaine. 202 00:09:46,566 --> 00:09:49,283 Oh, and by the way, Officer, there's another 2,000 203 00:09:49,285 --> 00:09:51,369 pounds of it in the pantry! CHERYL/CAROL: So, then 204 00:09:51,371 --> 00:09:53,571 pay them! MALORY: With what?! 205 00:09:53,573 --> 00:09:56,541 CHERYL/CAROL: $1 million! Yes, real dollars. 206 00:09:56,543 --> 00:10:00,261 Duh, look at my house. I bet I got rugs worth a... 207 00:10:00,263 --> 00:10:04,465 Ugh! Fine, $2 million. Okay, $5 million. 208 00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:08,436 Fine, $10 million! $50 million! 209 00:10:08,438 --> 00:10:12,607 A jillion million! Jesus! Be more gross 210 00:10:12,609 --> 00:10:16,327 and Chinese-y! (sad trombone melody plays) 211 00:10:16,329 --> 00:10:19,280 ARCHER (laughs): Been waiting forever to use that. 212 00:10:19,282 --> 00:10:21,332 (Pam sobs) LANA: Why did you insult him? 213 00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:23,367 CHERYL/CAROL: A, "Chinese-y" is not an insult. 214 00:10:23,369 --> 00:10:25,369 ARCHER: Mm, no. CYRIL: No, it totally is. 215 00:10:25,371 --> 00:10:27,371 RON: Not to a Chinaman. CHERYL/CAROL: And B, 216 00:10:27,373 --> 00:10:29,373 which is, like, so un-Chinesey, he doesn't even care 217 00:10:29,375 --> 00:10:31,425 about money. He said it's a debt of honor, 218 00:10:31,427 --> 00:10:33,644 and it can only be paid with Pam's blood. (Pam sobs) 219 00:10:33,646 --> 00:10:36,480 And since I can't write a genre-defining country song 220 00:10:36,482 --> 00:10:39,350 with you people screaming about a horde of Chinese 221 00:10:39,352 --> 00:10:41,602 daylight vampires, who are probably scuttling up the drain 222 00:10:41,604 --> 00:10:44,655 pipes even as we speak, go out there and kill them! 223 00:10:44,657 --> 00:10:46,440 ARCHER: Don't even get me started on that. 224 00:10:46,442 --> 00:10:48,392 LANA: How about get started on that list? 225 00:10:48,394 --> 00:10:50,611 ARCHER: I'm not your secretary, Lana! 226 00:10:50,613 --> 00:10:53,397 We don't really have weapons or ammo. 227 00:10:53,399 --> 00:10:55,399 CHERYL/CAROL: You're shitting me. 228 00:10:55,401 --> 00:10:57,435 ARCHER: Mm, no. CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh! 229 00:10:57,437 --> 00:10:59,537 ARCHER: Whoa, I stand extremely corrected. 230 00:10:59,539 --> 00:11:01,439 CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, and they're all loaded. 231 00:11:01,441 --> 00:11:04,492 This was the best house to be a kid in. 232 00:11:04,494 --> 00:11:07,311 ARCHER: Mmm, yeah, and so... anything post-World War I? 233 00:11:07,313 --> 00:11:09,530 CHERYL/CAROL: I don't know. I think Grandpapa lost interest 234 00:11:09,532 --> 00:11:11,649 once he filled the Museum of Natural History with 235 00:11:11,651 --> 00:11:14,285 dead animals. Then he got real big into model 236 00:11:14,287 --> 00:11:16,621 trains, and then it was a sort of very long, sad slide into 237 00:11:16,623 --> 00:11:19,357 dementia, and ultimately, into death. 238 00:11:19,359 --> 00:11:22,293 And the whole time he was screwing the asses off all the 239 00:11:22,295 --> 00:11:25,546 colored maids. (gasps) No, that's a terrible 240 00:11:25,548 --> 00:11:27,565 country song. ARCHER: Here's your country 241 00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:30,634 song right here! (mimics wailing guitar solo) 242 00:11:30,636 --> 00:11:33,437 LANA: Have you ever heard a country song? 243 00:11:33,439 --> 00:11:35,356 ARCHER: Um, "Danger Zone"? 244 00:11:35,358 --> 00:11:39,577 LANA: Okay, listen up, there are way too many windows and 245 00:11:39,579 --> 00:11:42,480 doors to cover, so we need to concentrate on chokepoints. 246 00:11:42,482 --> 00:11:45,616 (squealing laughter) Not that kind of chokepoints. 247 00:11:45,618 --> 00:11:48,319 Chokepoints as in junctions, like the main foyer, the 248 00:11:48,321 --> 00:11:50,388 kitchen, the top of the grand staircase, the... 249 00:11:50,390 --> 00:11:52,373 MALORY: What are you doing? Here. 250 00:11:52,375 --> 00:11:54,375 RON: Noop... MALORY: What do you mean, 251 00:11:54,377 --> 00:11:56,377 "noop"? Take it! 252 00:11:56,379 --> 00:11:58,429 RON: Woman, I am not getting in a shootout with the 253 00:11:58,431 --> 00:12:01,432 goddamn Yakuza because you people decided to steal 254 00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:03,500 their drugs! MALORY: Well, I support you 255 00:12:03,502 --> 00:12:06,304 in your work! Not that you ever do any, but... 256 00:12:06,306 --> 00:12:08,522 RON: If you were honest with yourself, you would realize 257 00:12:08,524 --> 00:12:11,559 I have been incredibly supportive of you! 258 00:12:11,561 --> 00:12:14,362 Get arrested for treason, I stand by you; become 259 00:12:14,364 --> 00:12:18,382 a drug dealer, I stand by you. Oh-oh-oh! And you don't seem to 260 00:12:18,384 --> 00:12:20,384 mind driving around in a new Cadillac, do you? 261 00:12:20,386 --> 00:12:22,370 MALORY: A floor model. RON: Oh, for... 262 00:12:22,372 --> 00:12:24,372 (loud crash) What the...? 263 00:12:24,374 --> 00:12:26,390 MALORY: Sterling?! What in the...?! 264 00:12:26,392 --> 00:12:28,392 MOTO: Hell does he think he is doing? 265 00:12:28,394 --> 00:12:30,394 ARCHER: Going Josh Randall on these dicks! 266 00:12:30,396 --> 00:12:32,396 Cheryl, build a fire and get some pokers hot! 267 00:12:32,398 --> 00:12:34,398 (Cheryl/Carol squeals) LANA: Yeah, great, start 268 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,400 shooting. I can't wait to meet every cop 269 00:12:36,402 --> 00:12:38,402 in Manhattan. ARCHER: Ugh, right, damn. 270 00:12:38,404 --> 00:12:40,838 Hey, Carol, you got any old-timey silencers? 271 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,624 LANA: Silence, yes, aspire to that while I think of a plan. 272 00:12:43,626 --> 00:12:46,510 Okay, Cheryl... (glass breaks) Goddamn it, Archer! 273 00:12:46,512 --> 00:12:50,348 ARCHER: I didn't do it! I was just... 274 00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:53,384 MALORY: Wha... Ron?! (Ron groans) 275 00:12:53,386 --> 00:12:56,303 Ron! PAM (laughs): Talk about a 276 00:12:56,305 --> 00:12:58,589 floor model. Oh, come on, we were all 277 00:12:58,591 --> 00:13:01,492 thinking it. ARCHER: Get down! 278 00:13:01,494 --> 00:13:05,496 (all grunting) MOTO: Tadashi, what is wrong 279 00:13:05,498 --> 00:13:08,366 with you?! You shoot like an old 280 00:13:08,368 --> 00:13:12,074 blind woman! You bring shame on your family! 281 00:13:14,307 --> 00:13:16,540 (sad trombone melody plays) 282 00:13:22,309 --> 00:13:25,217 RON: Oh, my God, the darkness, babe, I'm slipping 283 00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:27,290 into the darkness! MALORY: They're just 284 00:13:27,292 --> 00:13:29,734 pulling the drapes! RON: Still, though... (gasps) 285 00:13:30,031 --> 00:13:31,931 And what is this? An ocelot pelt?! 286 00:13:31,933 --> 00:13:33,816 ARCHER: Wait, what?! MALORY: It was all 287 00:13:33,818 --> 00:13:35,101 I could find! ARCHER: Oh, my God, 288 00:13:35,103 --> 00:13:36,953 if that's Babou...! CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh, I wish. 289 00:13:36,955 --> 00:13:39,038 He's around here somewhere, either puking or pissing on 290 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,908 something I care about. LANA: Hey, so... 291 00:13:41,910 --> 00:13:43,910 Ron's gonna die? CHERYL/CAROL: Wait, Ron's 292 00:13:43,912 --> 00:13:46,078 gonna die?! RON: Aah, the darkness! 293 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,781 LANA: Especially if he goes into shock, which is why I'm 294 00:13:48,783 --> 00:13:50,984 speaking quietly. CHERYL/CAROL: Smart. 295 00:13:50,986 --> 00:13:53,019 LANA: We have to get him to a hospital, so are you sure 296 00:13:53,021 --> 00:13:55,755 there's no other way out of here besides the front door? 297 00:13:55,757 --> 00:13:57,757 Like, maybe a helicopter pad, or...? 298 00:13:57,759 --> 00:13:59,759 CHERYL/CAROL: The only thing I can think of is all the 299 00:13:59,761 --> 00:14:01,761 secret tunnels. (Lana swallows) 300 00:14:01,763 --> 00:14:03,930 LANA: I'm sorry? CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, they go 301 00:14:03,932 --> 00:14:05,932 everywhere. My... I want to say my 302 00:14:05,934 --> 00:14:08,801 great-great-great-uncle? He built them trying to tap into 303 00:14:08,803 --> 00:14:10,870 the Underground Railroad. LANA: Wait, did he think it 304 00:14:10,872 --> 00:14:12,855 was literally...? CHERYL/CAROL: A subterranean 305 00:14:12,857 --> 00:14:15,024 railroad, yeah, so... PAM: So why'd he build a 306 00:14:15,026 --> 00:14:17,026 bunch of tunnels? CHERYL/CAROL: To capture 307 00:14:17,028 --> 00:14:19,812 runaway slaves and sell them back to their rightful owners. 308 00:14:19,814 --> 00:14:22,048 PAM: Wow. LANA: Ugh, whatever, can 309 00:14:22,050 --> 00:14:24,117 we...? CHERYL/CAROL: I want to say 310 00:14:24,119 --> 00:14:27,036 his plan was to dress like a ghost? 311 00:14:27,038 --> 00:14:30,840 LANA: Can we get Ron to a hospital? 312 00:14:30,842 --> 00:14:34,761 CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, totally. And then this one here goes all 313 00:14:34,763 --> 00:14:36,996 the way up to Lenox Hill Hospital. 314 00:14:36,998 --> 00:14:38,998 LANA: Jesus, that's like a mile. 315 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,768 CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, you don't want to walk that, so I'd come 316 00:14:41,770 --> 00:14:45,772 up around here and get a cab. That'll be way quicker. 317 00:14:45,774 --> 00:14:48,841 Plus I bet there's mole people. CYRIL: Okay, I think her 318 00:14:48,843 --> 00:14:51,728 point was, with all this, your great-whatever uncle must have 319 00:14:51,730 --> 00:14:53,863 really wanted to catch some slaves. 320 00:14:53,865 --> 00:14:55,898 CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, it bankrupted him, and the crazy 321 00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:59,986 part, is this was, like, 1890. MALORY: Will you hurry up? 322 00:14:59,988 --> 00:15:02,021 We're losing him. (Ron moans) 323 00:15:02,023 --> 00:15:04,707 ARCHER: Ron, shut up! Okay, Carol, you know the 324 00:15:04,709 --> 00:15:06,859 tunnels, you lead the group. Cyril and Pam, you carry Ron. 325 00:15:06,861 --> 00:15:08,861 Lana... PAM: Why do I have to carry 326 00:15:08,863 --> 00:15:10,863 him? ARCHER: Because remember 327 00:15:10,865 --> 00:15:12,882 before when this whole goddamn thing was your fault?! 328 00:15:12,884 --> 00:15:14,901 PAM: Just asking. ARCHER: Lana and Mother, you 329 00:15:14,903 --> 00:15:17,070 should go with them, because my plan may not work. 330 00:15:17,072 --> 00:15:19,072 MALORY: What plan? ARCHER: Okay, this tunnel 331 00:15:19,074 --> 00:15:22,008 here tees into a utility tunnel right in front of the house. 332 00:15:22,010 --> 00:15:24,761 LANA: So...? ARCHER: So I need my slightly 333 00:15:24,763 --> 00:15:28,047 darker-black black suit. Woodhouse! 334 00:15:28,049 --> 00:15:30,817 Goddamn it, where the hell is he? 335 00:15:30,819 --> 00:15:35,121 WOODHOUSE: Slowly dying, for all anyone cares. 336 00:15:35,123 --> 00:15:39,125 But the saddest part is no one does. 337 00:15:39,127 --> 00:15:41,727 ARCHER: Oh, who cares? (Ron moans) 338 00:15:41,729 --> 00:15:43,913 PAM: Aw, quit your literal bellyaching. 339 00:15:43,915 --> 00:15:45,915 LANA: Yeah, I'm staying. Because if your plan is what I 340 00:15:45,917 --> 00:15:48,918 think it is, you are totally gonna need rescuing. 341 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,871 ARCHER: No, I'm not, Lana, so shut your dicktrap. 342 00:15:51,873 --> 00:15:55,041 (laughs) But if I do, I-I apologize for 343 00:15:55,043 --> 00:15:58,928 that remark, and ask that you definitely do rescue me. 344 00:15:58,930 --> 00:16:01,714 Or avenge me as appropriate. MALORY: That's it, I'm 345 00:16:01,716 --> 00:16:03,716 staying, too. RON: What? 346 00:16:03,718 --> 00:16:05,785 You're picking him over me? MALORY: Oh, for... It's not a 347 00:16:05,787 --> 00:16:07,954 competition, Ron! He's my child. 348 00:16:07,956 --> 00:16:10,757 But seriously? A floor model? 349 00:16:10,759 --> 00:16:12,859 RON: Aw! What are you people, hourly? 350 00:16:12,861 --> 00:16:14,977 Let's go here. (moaning) 351 00:16:14,979 --> 00:16:18,097 (Archer chuckling) LANA (sighs): Are you 352 00:16:18,099 --> 00:16:20,733 laughing at "dicktrap"? (Archer laughs loudly) 353 00:16:20,735 --> 00:16:22,952 ARCHER: Uh-huh, but seriously, though, if it comes 354 00:16:22,954 --> 00:16:25,938 down to it, please do rescue me. PAM: Okay! 355 00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:27,940 Sorry! I'm walking backwards here. 356 00:16:27,942 --> 00:16:30,093 RON: God, you're killing me here is what you're doing. 357 00:16:30,095 --> 00:16:32,979 CYRIL: Just try to stay calm. CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, chill 358 00:16:32,981 --> 00:16:36,966 out, Ray got shot in the stomach and he's, like, totally fine. 359 00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:39,686 (snoring) (groans) 360 00:16:39,688 --> 00:16:42,021 (snoring) CYRIL: Here we go, stepping 361 00:16:42,023 --> 00:16:44,891 it up! Hey-oh! (Ron yelling) 362 00:16:44,893 --> 00:16:47,894 ARCHER: Jesus, Ron, man up. I've been shot... 363 00:16:47,896 --> 00:16:51,898 holy shit, 26 times? Can't be good for me. 364 00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:53,900 I mean, in gangster movies, they're always like... 365 00:16:53,902 --> 00:16:56,069 "He got a bad case of lead poisoning, see!" 366 00:16:56,071 --> 00:16:59,072 But think about it, every bullet's got to leave at least a 367 00:16:59,074 --> 00:17:01,874 teeny bit of residual lead in your body, right? 368 00:17:01,876 --> 00:17:04,827 Shit. By the time I'm 60, I bet I'll 369 00:17:04,829 --> 00:17:09,749 be mad as a goddamn hatter. (grunts) 370 00:17:09,751 --> 00:17:11,751 LANA: I don't believe it. He made it. 371 00:17:11,753 --> 00:17:13,886 MALORY: You never give him enough credit. 372 00:17:13,888 --> 00:17:16,756 And honestly, not your best trait. 373 00:17:16,758 --> 00:17:18,958 You may want to work on that, since you'll be a mother soon. 374 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,811 Unless... well, I suppose that all depends 375 00:17:21,813 --> 00:17:25,798 on what kind of mother you want to be. 376 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:31,971 ARCHER: Uh... Konnichiwa? 377 00:17:31,973 --> 00:17:34,807 Hmm? The door-san? 378 00:17:34,809 --> 00:17:37,110 (man grunts) Thanks, Kato! 379 00:17:37,112 --> 00:17:39,746 (both grunting) 380 00:17:39,748 --> 00:17:44,751 (Moto yells in Japanese) MOTO: Yoshi! 381 00:17:44,753 --> 00:17:47,820 (yells) ARCHER: I'm sorry, uh, Yoshi 382 00:17:47,822 --> 00:17:49,922 is indisposed. MOTO: You! 383 00:17:49,924 --> 00:17:53,025 ARCHER: Me. Scrooch! 384 00:17:53,027 --> 00:17:56,696 MOTO: You must know... ARCHER: Hang on. 385 00:17:56,698 --> 00:17:58,698 (coughs) Oh, God. 386 00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:00,700 Sorry, I don't want to get a dry socket. 387 00:18:00,702 --> 00:18:04,003 MOTO: You must know that even if you kill me, the Yakuza will 388 00:18:04,005 --> 00:18:06,773 never forgive this debt of honor. 389 00:18:06,775 --> 00:18:08,841 They will kill... (yells) 390 00:18:08,843 --> 00:18:11,761 ARCHER: Right? That's so bad for your ears. 391 00:18:11,763 --> 00:18:14,814 But I get it, the Bushido code, the whole Japanese thing, I get 392 00:18:14,816 --> 00:18:16,816 it, but... MOTO: What do you know about 393 00:18:16,818 --> 00:18:18,935 being Japanese? ARCHER: I guess only the 394 00:18:18,937 --> 00:18:22,021 clichés, really. Karaoke, pachinko, subway 395 00:18:22,023 --> 00:18:24,023 frottage... MOTO: Enough! 396 00:18:24,025 --> 00:18:26,793 ARCHER: Hang on. Uh, tentacle porn, uh... 397 00:18:26,795 --> 00:18:28,911 MOTO: Enough! ARCHER: Hang on! 398 00:18:28,913 --> 00:18:31,864 Those vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties. 399 00:18:31,866 --> 00:18:34,083 Okay, done. Now, here's what I propose. 400 00:18:34,085 --> 00:18:37,904 MOTO: You dare to propose... ARCHER: I swear to God I can 401 00:18:37,906 --> 00:18:40,756 do that all day. I mean, to me, it sounds like 402 00:18:40,758 --> 00:18:44,877 bubble wrap. MOTO: What is your proposal? 403 00:18:44,879 --> 00:18:48,208 ARCHER: I know the Yakuza will hunt us down forever, but I 404 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,783 bet you can forgive the debt of honor, right? 405 00:18:50,785 --> 00:18:52,802 MOTO: Only if blood has been shed. 406 00:18:52,804 --> 00:18:55,054 ARCHER: Well, my stepfa... my mother's husband is about a 407 00:18:55,056 --> 00:18:58,724 quart low-- you shot him. So I'm thinking you take back 408 00:18:58,726 --> 00:19:01,694 all... well, almost all the pills-- Pam ate a bunch, and I'm 409 00:19:01,696 --> 00:19:04,997 not gonna lie to you, I had a couple, or six-- plus you keep 410 00:19:04,999 --> 00:19:07,867 the counterfeit million. MOTO: But... 411 00:19:07,869 --> 00:19:09,869 ARCHER: Plus if you don't, I'll kill you. 412 00:19:09,871 --> 00:19:11,871 Probably should have led with that. 413 00:19:11,873 --> 00:19:14,874 (Moto grunts) MOTO: I must accept. 414 00:19:14,876 --> 00:19:18,945 But I cannot lose mentsu. What you call "face." 415 00:19:18,947 --> 00:19:21,948 My men must think this was my decision. 416 00:19:21,950 --> 00:19:24,917 That you somehow "sweetened the deal." 417 00:19:24,919 --> 00:19:27,820 ARCHER (yawns): Well, at this point, the reds are wearing off 418 00:19:27,822 --> 00:19:30,890 and the bourbon's kicking in, so, uh, you can pretty much name 419 00:19:30,892 --> 00:19:34,810 it. (Moto grunts) 420 00:19:34,812 --> 00:19:42,668 (Moto speaking Japanese) 421 00:19:42,670 --> 00:19:48,774 (Archer laughs) ARCHER: That is so true. 422 00:19:48,776 --> 00:19:51,110 MALORY: That was Cyril. Ron's in surgery, but the bullet 423 00:19:51,112 --> 00:19:53,846 missed everything, and his prognosis is excellent. 424 00:19:53,848 --> 00:19:55,848 LANA: Oh, my God, that's great, so... 425 00:19:55,850 --> 00:19:57,917 ARCHER: So win-win! MALORY: Wha..? Win-win? 426 00:19:57,919 --> 00:19:59,919 ARCHER: Ow! LANA: Malory. 427 00:19:59,921 --> 00:20:01,921 MALORY: A gut-shot husband and an idiot son who just 428 00:20:01,923 --> 00:20:04,840 gave away $5 million worth of cocaine? 429 00:20:04,842 --> 00:20:07,643 I call that a lose-lose-lose! 430 00:20:07,645 --> 00:20:11,764 (sad trombone melody begins) (melody abruptly stops) 431 00:20:11,766 --> 00:20:16,869 (Archer laughing) 432 00:20:19,977 --> 00:20:24,577 What could possibly be funny? 433 00:20:24,697 --> 00:20:30,623 ARCHER (laughing): The phone! It was Woodhouse's! 434 00:20:36,955 --> 00:20:45,592 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com