1
00:00:00,851 --> 00:00:02,418
>> MALORY (sighs): Ruined.
2
00:00:02,420 --> 00:00:03,419
Completely...
3
00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:04,420
>> ARCHER: Mother, come on,
4
00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:05,421
we're not...
5
00:00:05,423 --> 00:00:06,422
>> MALORY: Shut up.
6
00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:07,423
And utterly...
7
00:00:07,425 --> 00:00:08,424
>> ARCHER: We're not...
8
00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:09,425
>> MALORY: Shut up. And ruined!
9
00:00:09,427 --> 00:00:10,426
>> ARCHER: We're not "ruined,"
10
00:00:10,428 --> 00:00:11,427
Camille.
11
00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:12,428
We've got 2,000 pounds
12
00:00:12,430 --> 00:00:13,429
of cocaine.
13
00:00:13,431 --> 00:00:14,430
>> LANA: Minus the 20 kilos
14
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:15,431
you sold for Monopoly money, oh,
15
00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:17,033
minus however much Pam ate,
16
00:00:17,035 --> 00:00:18,534
probably two kilos.
17
00:00:18,536 --> 00:00:20,369
>> PAM: Or three, or whatever.
18
00:00:20,371 --> 00:00:21,370
>> ARCHER: Quit eating all the
19
00:00:21,372 --> 00:00:22,538
goddamn cocaine!
20
00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:25,541
>> PAM: Make me!
21
00:00:25,543 --> 00:00:26,542
(Archer yells)
22
00:00:26,544 --> 00:00:28,444
>> ARCHER: My point, unless Pam
23
00:00:28,446 --> 00:00:30,046
ate it, is that things could be
24
00:00:30,048 --> 00:00:31,047
a lot worse.
25
00:00:31,049 --> 00:00:32,048
>> MALORY: How?
26
00:00:32,050 --> 00:00:33,082
You sold a million dollars of
27
00:00:33,084 --> 00:00:34,383
product for this worthless stack
28
00:00:34,385 --> 00:00:35,451
of paper.
29
00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:39,221
How could it be any worse?
30
00:00:39,223 --> 00:00:40,456
(groans)
31
00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:41,557
>> CYRIL: I, uh, hate to agree
32
00:00:41,559 --> 00:00:43,559
with Archer, but it could be
33
00:00:43,561 --> 00:00:44,560
worse-- these are actually
34
00:00:44,562 --> 00:00:45,561
really good fakes.
35
00:00:45,563 --> 00:00:46,562
I mean, not good enough to
36
00:00:46,564 --> 00:00:47,563
deposit in a bank, but...
37
00:00:47,565 --> 00:00:48,564
>> ARCHER: Good enough to pass
38
00:00:48,566 --> 00:00:50,232
in, say, a deli?
39
00:00:50,234 --> 00:00:51,734
>> CYRIL: Yeah, I guess, but...
40
00:00:51,736 --> 00:00:52,735
>> ARCHER: Shut up.
41
00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:53,903
So you take a hundred,
42
00:00:53,905 --> 00:00:55,104
go buy a pack of gum, and walk
43
00:00:55,106 --> 00:00:57,139
out with $99.50 in change.
44
00:00:57,141 --> 00:00:58,240
>> CYRIL: Hey, that's brilliant,
45
00:00:58,242 --> 00:00:59,241
Archer.
46
00:00:59,243 --> 00:01:00,242
>> ARCHER: Yeah, plus gum?
47
00:01:00,244 --> 00:01:01,243
>> CYRIL: So you're gonna do
48
00:01:01,245 --> 00:01:03,412
that 10,000 times?
49
00:01:03,414 --> 00:01:04,413
>> ARCHER: Well, not me
50
00:01:04,415 --> 00:01:05,414
personally.
51
00:01:05,416 --> 00:01:06,415
>> MALORY: Not anyone
52
00:01:06,417 --> 00:01:08,084
personally; it's idiotic.
53
00:01:08,086 --> 00:01:09,919
What we need is a big-ticket
54
00:01:09,921 --> 00:01:10,920
item.
55
00:01:10,922 --> 00:01:11,921
>> PAM: Like a big bag
56
00:01:11,923 --> 00:01:12,922
of cocaine!
57
00:01:12,924 --> 00:01:13,923
>> LANA: The last thing we need
58
00:01:13,925 --> 00:01:14,924
is more cocaine.
59
00:01:14,926 --> 00:01:15,925
>> PAM: Disagree.
60
00:01:15,927 --> 00:01:16,926
>> LANA: Because you are
61
00:01:16,928 --> 00:01:17,927
addicted to cocaine.
62
00:01:17,929 --> 00:01:18,928
>> PAM: Your words.
63
00:01:18,930 --> 00:01:19,929
>> ARCHER: Hey, wait a second,
64
00:01:19,931 --> 00:01:21,097
I've got the perfect big-ticket
65
00:01:21,099 --> 00:01:22,264
item-- Cadillacs!
66
00:01:22,266 --> 00:01:23,265
>> RON: Nope.
67
00:01:23,267 --> 00:01:24,266
>> ARCHER: Let me finish.
68
00:01:24,268 --> 00:01:25,267
>> RON: Oh, I'm sorry, please,
69
00:01:25,269 --> 00:01:26,268
uh, skip ahead to the part where
70
00:01:26,270 --> 00:01:27,603
I'm out 50 Caddies with your
71
00:01:27,605 --> 00:01:29,105
counterfeit money in the one
72
00:01:29,107 --> 00:01:30,473
hand and my schlong in
73
00:01:30,475 --> 00:01:31,474
the other.
74
00:01:31,476 --> 00:01:32,475
>> ARCHER: Well, not now.
75
00:01:32,477 --> 00:01:33,476
You ruined it.
76
00:01:33,478 --> 00:01:34,477
>> MALORY: The mental image
77
00:01:34,479 --> 00:01:35,478
alone.
78
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,479
>> LANA: And besides, what
79
00:01:36,481 --> 00:01:37,480
were you planning to do with
80
00:01:37,482 --> 00:01:38,481
50 Cadillacs?
81
00:01:38,483 --> 00:01:39,482
>> ARCHER: Um, open a
82
00:01:39,484 --> 00:01:40,516
dealership?
83
00:01:40,518 --> 00:01:42,284
What? Ron's done very well.
84
00:01:42,286 --> 00:01:43,452
>> MALORY: Speaking of,
85
00:01:43,454 --> 00:01:44,620
why aren't you at work?
86
00:01:44,622 --> 00:01:45,621
>> RON: Everything's on
87
00:01:45,623 --> 00:01:46,622
autopilot.
88
00:01:46,624 --> 00:01:47,656
There's nothing for me to do.
89
00:01:47,658 --> 00:01:48,791
I am so bored.
90
00:01:48,793 --> 00:01:50,459
>> PAM: Have you tried cocaine?
91
00:01:50,461 --> 00:01:51,627
>> RON: No, no, nah.
92
00:01:51,629 --> 00:01:53,295
Smoked a reefer cigarette once.
93
00:01:53,297 --> 00:01:54,296
>> LANA: Uh, let me guess, with
94
00:01:54,298 --> 00:01:55,464
some Negroes?
95
00:01:55,466 --> 00:01:56,799
>> RON: As luck would have it.
96
00:01:56,801 --> 00:01:57,967
>> CYRIL: What about guns?
97
00:01:57,969 --> 00:01:59,335
>> RON: No, no, they seemed
98
00:01:59,337 --> 00:02:00,336
nice, jazz cats.
99
00:02:00,338 --> 00:02:01,337
>> CYRIL: No, why don't we buy
100
00:02:01,339 --> 00:02:02,538
guns?
101
00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:04,140
I mean, I assume rival drug
102
00:02:04,142 --> 00:02:05,307
dealers aren't gonna be too
103
00:02:05,309 --> 00:02:06,342
happy with us...
104
00:02:06,344 --> 00:02:07,476
>> LANA: And since the FBI
105
00:02:07,478 --> 00:02:08,978
seized all the ISIS weapons when
106
00:02:08,980 --> 00:02:10,179
they took the building.
107
00:02:10,181 --> 00:02:11,180
>> ARCHER: Oh, my God.
108
00:02:11,182 --> 00:02:12,348
All we have now is my Walther
109
00:02:12,350 --> 00:02:14,150
and what, Lana, your TEC-9's?
110
00:02:14,152 --> 00:02:15,151
>> LANA: Yeah, for which I have
111
00:02:15,153 --> 00:02:16,152
no ammo.
112
00:02:16,154 --> 00:02:17,153
>> ARCHER: What?
113
00:02:17,155 --> 00:02:18,154
>> LANA: I used to get it from
114
00:02:18,156 --> 00:02:19,155
work.
115
00:02:19,157 --> 00:02:20,156
>> ARCHER: Okay, if we're doing
116
00:02:20,158 --> 00:02:21,157
a list?
117
00:02:21,159 --> 00:02:22,158
Bullets.
118
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,159
>> MALORY: Oh for... Sterling,
119
00:02:23,161 --> 00:02:24,393
Lana, go through the old ISIS
120
00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:25,694
files and find an arms dealer.
121
00:02:25,696 --> 00:02:28,030
Cyril, go lock up the product
122
00:02:28,032 --> 00:02:30,232
before Cokie Monster here
123
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:31,367
gobbles it all up, and Ron, take
124
00:02:31,369 --> 00:02:32,368
me to lunch.
125
00:02:32,370 --> 00:02:33,369
>> RON: It's 8:30 in
126
00:02:33,371 --> 00:02:34,370
the morning.
127
00:02:34,372 --> 00:02:35,371
>> MALORY: A bar, then!
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00:02:35,373 --> 00:02:36,372
Whatever!
129
00:02:36,374 --> 00:02:37,673
Ooh, or maybe a jazz club.
130
00:02:37,675 --> 00:02:39,008
We can smoke reefers with these
131
00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:40,209
Negroes you're suddenly so nuts
132
00:02:40,211 --> 00:02:41,210
about.
133
00:02:41,212 --> 00:02:42,678
>> RON: It was 1940!
134
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:43,846
>> CYRIL And where am I supposed
135
00:02:43,848 --> 00:02:45,014
to lock up 2,000 pounds
136
00:02:45,016 --> 00:02:46,015
of cocaine?
137
00:02:46,017 --> 00:02:47,183
>> ARCHER: Cyril, look around.
138
00:02:47,185 --> 00:02:48,350
Somewhere in this mansion, I
139
00:02:48,352 --> 00:02:50,352
have to assume, is a gigantic,
140
00:02:50,354 --> 00:02:54,056
Scrooge McDuckian vault.
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00:02:54,058 --> 00:02:57,359
>> PAM: Scrooge McDuck, eh?
142
00:02:57,361 --> 00:02:59,695
(gobbling cocaine)
143
00:02:59,697 --> 00:03:02,098
(coughs)
144
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:04,433
Sweater.
145
00:03:43,773 --> 00:03:44,773
>> MALORY: All right.
146
00:03:44,775 --> 00:03:45,774
Where are we?
147
00:03:45,776 --> 00:03:46,775
Lana, did you find an
148
00:03:46,777 --> 00:03:47,776
arms dealer?
149
00:03:47,778 --> 00:03:49,245
>> LANA: Mmm, no, all we've got
150
00:03:49,247 --> 00:03:50,613
so far is Spyridon Skorpio
151
00:03:50,615 --> 00:03:51,780
and Conway Stern.
152
00:03:51,782 --> 00:03:52,781
>> CYRIL: Geez, those are old
153
00:03:52,783 --> 00:03:53,782
files.
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00:03:53,784 --> 00:03:54,783
>> LANA: One of whom we blew
155
00:03:54,785 --> 00:03:55,784
up, the other of whom's hand we
156
00:03:55,786 --> 00:03:57,119
gruesomely ripped off.
157
00:03:57,121 --> 00:03:58,587
>> ARCHER: And both of whom
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00:03:58,589 --> 00:04:00,256
bring up extremely uncomfortable
159
00:04:00,258 --> 00:04:01,991
sexual memories for...
160
00:04:01,993 --> 00:04:03,926
uh, 40% to 60% of the people in
161
00:04:03,928 --> 00:04:04,960
this room.
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00:04:04,962 --> 00:04:05,961
>> MALORY: Hmph.
163
00:04:05,963 --> 00:04:07,296
Oh, what about Ray's brother,
164
00:04:07,298 --> 00:04:08,497
the pot farmer?
165
00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:09,498
He had lots of guns.
166
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:10,499
>> LANA: Yeah, he's doing life
167
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:11,767
in prison.
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00:04:11,769 --> 00:04:13,302
>> RAY: Now, that's the song
169
00:04:13,304 --> 00:04:14,970
you should write.
170
00:04:14,972 --> 00:04:16,138
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh, or maybe
171
00:04:16,140 --> 00:04:17,606
one about a crippled cyborg, who
172
00:04:17,608 --> 00:04:18,841
all he did was pussy-ache about
173
00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:21,944
being a crippled cyborg!
174
00:04:21,946 --> 00:04:23,279
(Ray cries)
175
00:04:23,281 --> 00:04:24,647
>> MALORY: Well, keep looking.
176
00:04:24,649 --> 00:04:25,814
And, Cyril, you've got the
177
00:04:25,816 --> 00:04:26,949
product under lock and key?
178
00:04:26,951 --> 00:04:27,950
>> CYRIL: Yup, in the kitchen
179
00:04:27,952 --> 00:04:28,951
pantry.
180
00:04:28,953 --> 00:04:29,952
There's no Scrooge McDucky
181
00:04:29,954 --> 00:04:30,953
vault.
182
00:04:30,955 --> 00:04:31,954
>> MALORY: No what?
183
00:04:31,956 --> 00:04:32,955
>> ARCHER: Uh, how about an
184
00:04:32,957 --> 00:04:33,956
old-timey gymnasium full of
185
00:04:33,958 --> 00:04:35,991
Indian clubs and medicine balls?
186
00:04:35,993 --> 00:04:37,626
>> WOODHOUSE: Hello?
187
00:04:37,628 --> 00:04:39,695
I've finished!
188
00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:40,963
>> CYRIL: There is one of those.
189
00:04:40,965 --> 00:04:41,964
>> MALORY: Oh, and it was a good
190
00:04:41,966 --> 00:04:42,965
idea to lock up all the
191
00:04:42,967 --> 00:04:43,966
counterfeit money.
192
00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:44,967
>> CYRIL: Yeah, good job,
193
00:04:44,969 --> 00:04:45,968
whoever did that.
194
00:04:45,970 --> 00:04:46,969
>> LANA: Wait, did you not?
195
00:04:46,971 --> 00:04:47,970
>> CYRIL: Mmm, no, I...
196
00:04:47,972 --> 00:04:48,971
>> MALORY: What?
197
00:04:48,973 --> 00:04:50,139
Well, where the hell is it?
198
00:04:50,141 --> 00:04:51,840
>> PAM: Welp!
199
00:04:51,842 --> 00:04:52,841
I've got good news and good
200
00:04:52,843 --> 00:04:54,043
news.
201
00:04:54,045 --> 00:04:55,811
>> MALORY: Amphetamines?!
202
00:04:55,813 --> 00:04:57,179
>> PAM: Right?
203
00:04:57,181 --> 00:04:58,547
And I know it sounds crazy, but
204
00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:00,149
I like them as much as cocaine.
205
00:05:00,151 --> 00:05:01,850
>> MALORY: Where did you get
206
00:05:01,852 --> 00:05:02,851
them?
207
00:05:02,853 --> 00:05:03,852
>> PAM: Okay, okay, okay, so
208
00:05:03,854 --> 00:05:04,853
remember how I used to
209
00:05:04,855 --> 00:05:05,854
drift-race with the Yakuza?
210
00:05:05,856 --> 00:05:06,855
>> ARCHER: The Yakuza?
211
00:05:06,857 --> 00:05:07,856
>> PAM: Hai.
212
00:05:07,858 --> 00:05:08,891
>> MALORY: What, were the
213
00:05:08,893 --> 00:05:09,892
Hells Angels busy?
214
00:05:09,894 --> 00:05:11,860
>> PAM: Busy being pussies.
215
00:05:11,862 --> 00:05:13,562
You know, relatively.
216
00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:14,697
When compared to the deadly and
217
00:05:14,699 --> 00:05:15,831
terrible Yakuza.
218
00:05:15,833 --> 00:05:16,865
>> ARCHER: Yeah, and on a
219
00:05:16,867 --> 00:05:18,000
related note, Pam, what do you
220
00:05:18,002 --> 00:05:19,168
think's gonna happen when they
221
00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:20,169
realize the money is
222
00:05:20,171 --> 00:05:21,170
counterfeit?
223
00:05:21,172 --> 00:05:23,339
>> PAM: Oh, my God, right?
224
00:05:23,341 --> 00:05:24,573
Can you imagine?
225
00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:25,841
>> LANA: Yes, Pam, we can.
226
00:05:25,843 --> 00:05:26,875
>> CYRIL: Oh, my God, they chop
227
00:05:26,877 --> 00:05:28,210
off their own fingers.
228
00:05:28,212 --> 00:05:29,211
>> MALORY: Do they know how to
229
00:05:29,213 --> 00:05:30,713
find you?
230
00:05:30,715 --> 00:05:32,681
>> PAM: Um...
231
00:05:32,683 --> 00:05:34,216
Well, they know I work at ISIS,
232
00:05:34,218 --> 00:05:37,186
but that won't do them any good.
233
00:05:37,188 --> 00:05:38,254
>> MALORY: Well, thank...
234
00:05:38,256 --> 00:05:39,855
>> PAM: Although...
235
00:05:39,857 --> 00:05:41,757
Whooooo!
236
00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:43,892
Domo arigato, fellas.
237
00:05:43,894 --> 00:05:45,194
Two of them have been
238
00:05:45,196 --> 00:05:46,895
to my apartment.
239
00:05:46,897 --> 00:05:48,864
You, too, Ojiisan.
240
00:05:48,866 --> 00:05:50,399
Or three, or whatever.
241
00:05:50,401 --> 00:05:51,400
>> ARCHER: Oh, Jesus Christ.
242
00:05:51,402 --> 00:05:52,401
Can the mind vomit?
243
00:05:52,403 --> 00:05:53,402
>> PAM: But now I live here,
244
00:05:53,404 --> 00:05:54,403
so...
245
00:05:54,405 --> 00:05:55,404
>> MALORY: Well, thank God,
246
00:05:55,406 --> 00:05:56,405
the...
247
00:05:56,407 --> 00:05:58,907
>> PAM: Although...
248
00:05:58,909 --> 00:06:01,377
>> YAKUZA TOUGH: Hmm?
249
00:06:01,379 --> 00:06:03,045
>> YAKUZA TOUGH 2: Hmm.
250
00:06:03,047 --> 00:06:04,780
Hmm-hmm.
251
00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:06,749
Mmm, mm-hmm.
252
00:06:06,751 --> 00:06:08,784
(laughs)
253
00:06:23,233 --> 00:06:25,067
>> ARCHER: Ugh, yes, the mind
254
00:06:25,069 --> 00:06:26,402
can, in fact, vomit.
255
00:06:26,404 --> 00:06:28,871
(phone ringing)
256
00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:33,742
(gobbling pills)
257
00:06:33,744 --> 00:06:36,145
>> PAM: I'm not here.
258
00:06:43,253 --> 00:06:44,253
(phone ringing)
259
00:06:44,255 --> 00:06:45,788
>> WOODHOUSE: Oh, dear God.
260
00:06:45,790 --> 00:06:47,122
Telephone clanging away, and me
261
00:06:47,124 --> 00:06:48,757
trapped.
262
00:06:48,759 --> 00:06:49,792
It's a good servant's worst
263
00:06:49,794 --> 00:06:51,260
nightmare.
264
00:06:51,262 --> 00:06:52,961
I don't know how this could
265
00:06:52,963 --> 00:06:54,296
possibly be any wor...
266
00:06:54,298 --> 00:06:56,265
(doorbell ringing)
267
00:06:56,267 --> 00:06:57,933
Oh.
268
00:06:57,935 --> 00:06:59,768
>> KRIEGER: Hey, so, did
269
00:06:59,770 --> 00:07:00,936
somebody order Chinese?
270
00:07:00,938 --> 00:07:01,837
>> MALORY: They're Japanese,
271
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:02,771
you idiot!
272
00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:03,772
(groaning)
273
00:07:03,774 --> 00:07:04,773
>> KRIEGER: Oh, for... I don't
274
00:07:04,775 --> 00:07:05,774
get all pissy every time
275
00:07:05,776 --> 00:07:06,775
you mistake a Dutchman
276
00:07:06,777 --> 00:07:07,776
for a Swede!
277
00:07:07,778 --> 00:07:09,445
Either time that happened!
278
00:07:09,447 --> 00:07:10,779
(phone rings)
279
00:07:10,781 --> 00:07:11,780
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Answer the
280
00:07:11,782 --> 00:07:12,781
goddamn telephone!
281
00:07:12,783 --> 00:07:13,849
>> GILLETTE: Now, there's
282
00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:14,783
your song!
283
00:07:14,785 --> 00:07:15,351
>> PAM: No!
284
00:07:15,353 --> 00:07:16,285
>> MALORY: Answer it!
285
00:07:16,287 --> 00:07:17,186
>> PAM: Make me!
286
00:07:17,188 --> 00:07:18,287
(sobbing): Holy shitsnacks.
287
00:07:18,289 --> 00:07:19,688
>> LANA: I will break both of
288
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:20,689
your collarbones, and then pull
289
00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:21,690
them out of your body,
290
00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:23,025
and then use them to play,
291
00:07:23,027 --> 00:07:24,660
in its entirety and on your
292
00:07:24,662 --> 00:07:25,694
head, "Moby Dick."
293
00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,196
>> KRIEGER: Bonham's a pussy.
294
00:07:27,198 --> 00:07:28,664
>> HOLOGRAM: Maybe you pussy!
295
00:07:28,666 --> 00:07:29,665
>> LANA: Pam?
296
00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:31,200
(Pam clears throat)
297
00:07:31,202 --> 00:07:33,035
>> PAM (posh accent): Hello?
298
00:07:33,037 --> 00:07:34,470
>> MOTO: Shiro kabocha.
299
00:07:34,472 --> 00:07:36,138
>> PAM (gasps): It's Mr. Moto!
300
00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,373
>> MOTO: Shiro kabocha,
301
00:07:37,375 --> 00:07:39,808
I am very ashamed...
302
00:07:39,810 --> 00:07:43,145
Your new home is so beautiful,
303
00:07:43,147 --> 00:07:44,680
but I did not bring
304
00:07:44,682 --> 00:07:46,315
a housewarming gift.
305
00:07:46,317 --> 00:07:47,483
>> PAM: Hey, you know what?
306
00:07:47,485 --> 00:07:48,984
Don't even sweat it,
307
00:07:48,986 --> 00:07:50,386
because... Hmm?
308
00:07:50,388 --> 00:07:53,822
Hai. Hai.
309
00:07:53,824 --> 00:07:55,691
Hai. Mm-kay, bye.
310
00:07:55,693 --> 00:07:56,892
>> ARCHER: Wait-- didn't you
311
00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:57,826
shoot that guy?
312
00:07:57,828 --> 00:07:59,161
>> MALORY: Oh, who remembers?
313
00:07:59,163 --> 00:08:01,196
Well, what did he say?
314
00:08:01,198 --> 00:08:02,331
>> PAM: Well, he's not happy,
315
00:08:02,333 --> 00:08:03,499
obviously, and he wants his
316
00:08:03,501 --> 00:08:04,733
drugs back, and that guy
317
00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:06,168
who sold 'em to me's not
318
00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:07,403
gonna be playing the violin any
319
00:08:07,405 --> 00:08:08,737
time soon.
320
00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:09,872
>> ARCHER: Because?
321
00:08:09,874 --> 00:08:11,006
>> PAM: Because a violin would
322
00:08:11,008 --> 00:08:12,007
probably dissolve in the same
323
00:08:12,009 --> 00:08:13,008
big drum of acid they dissolved
324
00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:14,009
that guy in.
325
00:08:14,011 --> 00:08:15,010
>> ALL: Ew!
326
00:08:15,012 --> 00:08:16,178
>> LANA: But if all Moto wants
327
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:17,179
is his drugs...
328
00:08:17,181 --> 00:08:18,180
>> MALORY: Then he can give us
329
00:08:18,182 --> 00:08:19,181
a refund.
330
00:08:19,183 --> 00:08:20,182
>> LANA: Of worthless
331
00:08:20,184 --> 00:08:21,183
counterfeit money?
332
00:08:21,185 --> 00:08:22,184
>> CYRIL: It's not exactly
333
00:08:22,186 --> 00:08:23,185
worthless.
334
00:08:23,187 --> 00:08:24,186
The right buyer would probably
335
00:08:24,188 --> 00:08:25,721
pay about 15 cents on the dollar
336
00:08:25,723 --> 00:08:26,755
for it.
337
00:08:26,757 --> 00:08:28,524
Why didn't you say that?!
338
00:08:28,526 --> 00:08:29,892
>> CYRIL: Uh, I don't know.
339
00:08:29,894 --> 00:08:31,093
I assumed you knew.
340
00:08:31,095 --> 00:08:32,194
>> RON: Everybody knows that.
341
00:08:32,196 --> 00:08:33,095
>> MALORY: Ron?!
342
00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:34,396
>> LANA: I say screw the money.
343
00:08:34,398 --> 00:08:35,898
Let's just give Moto his drugs
344
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,199
and be glad we dodged
345
00:08:37,201 --> 00:08:38,534
this giant metaphorical bullet.
346
00:08:38,536 --> 00:08:39,935
>> ARCHER: Hey, and where are we
347
00:08:39,937 --> 00:08:41,370
on that list?
348
00:08:41,372 --> 00:08:43,038
>> LANA: Malory?
349
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,206
>> MALORY: Oh, all right!
350
00:08:44,208 --> 00:08:45,874
We obviously can't go to war
351
00:08:45,876 --> 00:08:47,042
with the Yakuza.
352
00:08:47,044 --> 00:08:48,043
>> ARCHER: Uh, not without
353
00:08:48,045 --> 00:08:49,044
normal-size, non-metaphorical
354
00:08:49,046 --> 00:08:50,045
bullets.
355
00:08:50,047 --> 00:08:51,280
>> MALORY: But, Pam, if there
356
00:08:51,282 --> 00:08:52,748
ever are any, this comes out
357
00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:56,251
of your share of the profits.
358
00:08:56,253 --> 00:08:57,920
(Pam sobs)
359
00:08:57,922 --> 00:08:59,955
How is that not fair?
360
00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,223
>> PAM: Moto doesn't just want
361
00:09:01,225 --> 00:09:04,059
the pills...!
362
00:09:04,061 --> 00:09:06,228
He also wants my
363
00:09:06,230 --> 00:09:09,898
heh-heh-heh-head!
364
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,567
Non-metaph-phuh-phuh-phuh-phuh-
365
00:09:11,569 --> 00:09:12,901
>> ARCHER: ...phorically
366
00:09:12,903 --> 00:09:14,236
speaking, Pam, we got it.
367
00:09:14,238 --> 00:09:15,137
>> CYRIL: Wait-- he's still
368
00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:15,971
gonna kill you?
369
00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:17,239
>> LANA Even if you give back
370
00:09:17,241 --> 00:09:17,940
the pills?
371
00:09:17,942 --> 00:09:18,974
>> PAM: Yes!
372
00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:20,242
>> LANA: Oh, hey, hey, shh.
373
00:09:20,244 --> 00:09:22,244
Come on. We're not gonna let the
374
00:09:22,246 --> 00:09:23,946
Yakuza kill you.
375
00:09:23,948 --> 00:09:25,581
>> MALORY: Although...
376
00:09:25,583 --> 00:09:27,583
(Pam sobs loudly)
377
00:09:27,585 --> 00:09:28,917
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Christ on
378
00:09:28,919 --> 00:09:29,585
drums, people! What?!
379
00:09:29,587 --> 00:09:31,086
>> ARCHER: Pam screwed the
380
00:09:31,088 --> 00:09:32,254
Yakuza out of a million bucks
381
00:09:32,256 --> 00:09:33,589
of amphetamines, so now they're
382
00:09:33,591 --> 00:09:34,990
gonna cut her head off.
383
00:09:34,992 --> 00:09:35,791
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Wait--
384
00:09:35,793 --> 00:09:37,459
>> RON: You had breakfast here?!
385
00:09:37,461 --> 00:09:38,260
>> MALORY: Ron!
386
00:09:38,262 --> 00:09:39,261
>> LANA: And apparently, they've
387
00:09:39,263 --> 00:09:40,128
got your house completely
388
00:09:40,130 --> 00:09:41,129
surrounded, so...
389
00:09:41,131 --> 00:09:42,331
>> CHERYL/CAROL: So call
390
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:43,465
the police.
391
00:09:43,467 --> 00:09:44,600
>> MALORY: Ooh, good idea, and
392
00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:46,168
when they get here, we can show
393
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,436
them the drugs we bought
394
00:09:47,438 --> 00:09:48,604
with the counterfeit money we
395
00:09:48,606 --> 00:09:50,439
got from selling cocaine.
396
00:09:50,441 --> 00:09:51,940
Oh, and by the way, Officer,
397
00:09:51,942 --> 00:09:52,941
there's another 2,000
398
00:09:52,943 --> 00:09:54,142
pounds of it in the pantry!
399
00:09:54,144 --> 00:09:55,110
>> CHERYL/CAROL: So, then
400
00:09:55,112 --> 00:09:56,111
pay them!
401
00:09:56,113 --> 00:09:57,446
>> MALORY: With what?!
402
00:09:57,448 --> 00:09:59,481
>> CHERYL/CAROL: $1 million!
403
00:09:59,483 --> 00:10:00,449
Yes, real dollars.
404
00:10:00,451 --> 00:10:01,817
Duh, look at my house.
405
00:10:01,819 --> 00:10:03,852
I bet I got rugs worth a...
406
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,121
Ugh! Fine, $2 million.
407
00:10:06,123 --> 00:10:08,290
Okay, $5 million.
408
00:10:08,292 --> 00:10:09,958
Fine, $10 million!
409
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,160
$50 million!
410
00:10:12,162 --> 00:10:14,129
A jillion million!
411
00:10:14,131 --> 00:10:16,498
Jesus! Be more gross
412
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,966
and Chinese-y!
413
00:10:17,968 --> 00:10:19,968
(sad trombone melody plays)
414
00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:21,303
>> ARCHER (laughs): Been waiting
415
00:10:21,305 --> 00:10:22,871
forever to use that.
416
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:23,639
(Pam sobs)
417
00:10:23,641 --> 00:10:24,973
>> LANA: Why did you insult him?
418
00:10:24,975 --> 00:10:25,974
>> CHERYL/CAROL: A, "Chinese-y"
419
00:10:25,976 --> 00:10:26,975
is not an insult.
420
00:10:26,977 --> 00:10:27,976
>> ARCHER: Mm, no.
421
00:10:27,978 --> 00:10:28,977
>> CYRIL: No, it totally is.
422
00:10:28,979 --> 00:10:29,978
>> RON: Not to a Chinaman.
423
00:10:29,980 --> 00:10:30,979
>> CHERYL/CAROL: And B,
424
00:10:30,981 --> 00:10:31,980
which is, like, so un-Chinesey,
425
00:10:31,982 --> 00:10:32,981
he doesn't even care
426
00:10:32,983 --> 00:10:35,150
He said it's a debt of honor,
427
00:10:35,152 --> 00:10:36,552
and it can only be paid with
428
00:10:36,554 --> 00:10:37,553
Pam's blood. (Pam sobs)
429
00:10:37,555 --> 00:10:38,987
And since I can't write a
430
00:10:38,989 --> 00:10:40,222
genre-defining country song
431
00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:41,356
with you people screaming
432
00:10:41,358 --> 00:10:42,991
about a horde of Chinese
433
00:10:42,993 --> 00:10:44,026
daylight vampires, who are
434
00:10:44,028 --> 00:10:45,494
probably scuttling up the drain
435
00:10:45,496 --> 00:10:47,396
pipes even as we speak,
436
00:10:47,398 --> 00:10:48,530
go out there and kill them!
437
00:10:48,532 --> 00:10:49,565
>> ARCHER: Don't even get me
438
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,332
started on that.
439
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:51,333
>> LANA: How about get started
440
00:10:51,335 --> 00:10:52,167
on that list?
441
00:10:52,169 --> 00:10:53,335
>> ARCHER: I'm not
442
00:10:53,337 --> 00:10:54,670
your secretary, Lana!
443
00:10:54,672 --> 00:10:56,171
We don't really have weapons
444
00:10:56,173 --> 00:10:57,172
or ammo.
445
00:10:57,174 --> 00:10:58,173
>> CHERYL/CAROL: You're
446
00:10:58,175 --> 00:10:59,174
shitting me.
447
00:10:59,176 --> 00:11:00,208
>> ARCHER: Mm, no.
448
00:11:00,210 --> 00:11:01,209
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh!
449
00:11:01,211 --> 00:11:02,411
>> ARCHER: Whoa, I stand
450
00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:03,512
extremely corrected.
451
00:11:03,514 --> 00:11:04,379
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, and
452
00:11:04,381 --> 00:11:05,247
they're all loaded.
453
00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:07,049
This was the best house to be a
454
00:11:07,051 --> 00:11:08,383
kid in.
455
00:11:08,385 --> 00:11:09,518
>> ARCHER: Mmm, yeah, and so...
456
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,019
anything post-World War I?
457
00:11:11,021 --> 00:11:12,187
>> CHERYL/CAROL: I don't know.
458
00:11:12,189 --> 00:11:13,522
I think Grandpapa lost interest
459
00:11:13,524 --> 00:11:14,690
once he filled the Museum of
460
00:11:14,692 --> 00:11:15,691
Natural History with
461
00:11:15,693 --> 00:11:16,692
dead animals.
462
00:11:16,694 --> 00:11:17,926
Then he got real big into model
463
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:18,927
trains, and then it was a sort
464
00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:20,596
of very long, sad slide into
465
00:11:20,598 --> 00:11:22,030
dementia, and ultimately,
466
00:11:22,032 --> 00:11:23,065
into death.
467
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,366
And the whole time he was
468
00:11:24,368 --> 00:11:25,934
screwing the asses off all the
469
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:28,036
colored maids. (gasps)
470
00:11:28,038 --> 00:11:29,438
No, that's a terrible
471
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,439
country song.
472
00:11:30,441 --> 00:11:31,440
>> ARCHER: Here's your country
473
00:11:31,442 --> 00:11:32,541
song right here!
474
00:11:32,543 --> 00:11:34,610
(mimics wailing guitar solo)
475
00:11:34,612 --> 00:11:36,044
>> LANA: Have you ever heard
476
00:11:36,046 --> 00:11:37,212
a country song?
477
00:11:37,214 --> 00:11:39,281
>> ARCHER: Um, "Danger Zone"?
478
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,250
>> LANA: Okay, listen up, there
479
00:11:42,252 --> 00:11:43,452
are way too many windows and
480
00:11:43,454 --> 00:11:45,053
doors to cover, so we need
481
00:11:45,055 --> 00:11:46,288
to concentrate on chokepoints.
482
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,723
(squealing laughter)
483
00:11:47,725 --> 00:11:49,558
Not that kind of chokepoints.
484
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:50,959
Chokepoints as in junctions,
485
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,094
like the main foyer, the
486
00:11:52,096 --> 00:11:53,228
kitchen, the top of the
487
00:11:53,230 --> 00:11:54,229
grand staircase, the...
488
00:11:54,231 --> 00:11:55,230
>> MALORY: What are you doing?
489
00:11:55,232 --> 00:11:56,231
Here.
490
00:11:56,233 --> 00:11:57,232
>> RON: Noop...
491
00:11:57,234 --> 00:11:58,233
>> MALORY: What do you mean,
492
00:11:58,235 --> 00:11:59,234
"noop"?
493
00:11:59,236 --> 00:12:00,235
Take it!
494
00:12:00,237 --> 00:12:01,269
>> RON: Woman, I am not getting
495
00:12:01,271 --> 00:12:02,270
in a shootout with the
496
00:12:02,272 --> 00:12:03,572
goddamn Yakuza because you
497
00:12:03,574 --> 00:12:05,273
people decided to steal
498
00:12:05,275 --> 00:12:06,274
their drugs!
499
00:12:06,276 --> 00:12:07,409
>> MALORY: Well, I support you
500
00:12:07,411 --> 00:12:08,276
in your work!
501
00:12:08,278 --> 00:12:10,078
Not that you ever do any, but...
502
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,446
>> RON: If you were honest with
503
00:12:11,448 --> 00:12:12,581
yourself, you would realize
504
00:12:12,583 --> 00:12:13,749
I have been incredibly
505
00:12:13,751 --> 00:12:15,584
supportive of you!
506
00:12:15,586 --> 00:12:16,585
Get arrested for treason,
507
00:12:16,587 --> 00:12:18,153
I stand by you; become
508
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:20,756
a drug dealer, I stand by you.
509
00:12:20,758 --> 00:12:22,157
Oh-oh-oh! And you don't seem to
510
00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:23,158
mind driving around
511
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,159
in a new Cadillac, do you?
512
00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:25,160
>> MALORY: A floor model.
513
00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,161
>> RON: Oh, for...
514
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,162
(loud crash)
515
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:28,163
What the...?
516
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,164
>> MALORY: Sterling?!
517
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:30,165
What in the...?!
518
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,166
>> MOTO: Hell does he think
519
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:32,167
he is doing?
520
00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:33,168
>> ARCHER: Going Josh Randall on
521
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,169
these dicks!
522
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:35,170
Cheryl, build a fire and get
523
00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:36,171
some pokers hot!
524
00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:37,172
(Cheryl/Carol squeals)
525
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:38,173
>> LANA: Yeah, great, start
526
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:39,174
shooting.
527
00:12:39,176 --> 00:12:40,175
I can't wait to meet every cop
528
00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:41,176
in Manhattan.
529
00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:42,177
>> ARCHER: Ugh, right, damn.
530
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,012
Hey, Carol, you got any
531
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:44,780
old-timey silencers?
532
00:12:44,782 --> 00:12:46,148
>> LANA: Silence, yes, aspire to
533
00:12:46,150 --> 00:12:47,649
that while I think of a plan.
534
00:12:47,651 --> 00:12:49,351
Okay, Cheryl... (glass breaks)
535
00:12:49,353 --> 00:12:50,619
Goddamn it, Archer!
536
00:12:50,621 --> 00:12:51,987
>> ARCHER: I didn't do it!
537
00:12:51,989 --> 00:12:54,289
I was just...
538
00:12:54,291 --> 00:12:56,358
>> MALORY: Wha... Ron?!
539
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,292
(Ron groans)
540
00:12:57,294 --> 00:12:58,527
Ron!
541
00:12:58,529 --> 00:13:00,162
>> PAM (laughs): Talk about a
542
00:13:00,164 --> 00:13:01,463
floor model.
543
00:13:01,465 --> 00:13:02,698
Oh, come on, we were all
544
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:04,366
thinking it.
545
00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:05,500
>> ARCHER: Get down!
546
00:13:05,502 --> 00:13:07,803
(all grunting)
547
00:13:07,805 --> 00:13:09,504
>> MOTO: Tadashi, what is wrong
548
00:13:09,506 --> 00:13:11,139
with you?!
549
00:13:11,141 --> 00:13:12,307
You shoot like an old
550
00:13:12,309 --> 00:13:13,308
blind woman!
551
00:13:13,310 --> 00:13:18,146
You bring shame on your family!
552
00:13:18,148 --> 00:13:20,782
(sad trombone melody plays)
553
00:13:27,490 --> 00:13:29,491
>> RON: Oh, my God, the
554
00:13:29,493 --> 00:13:30,726
darkness, babe, I'm slipping
555
00:13:30,728 --> 00:13:31,493
into the darkness!
556
00:13:31,495 --> 00:13:32,394
>> MALORY: They're just
557
00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:34,396
pulling the drapes!
558
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,697
>> RON: Still, though... (gasps)
559
00:13:35,699 --> 00:13:36,698
And what is this?
560
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:37,499
An ocelot pelt?!
561
00:13:37,501 --> 00:13:38,233
>> ARCHER: Wait, what?!
562
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:39,234
>> MALORY: It was all
563
00:13:39,236 --> 00:13:39,901
I could find!
564
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:40,836
>> ARCHER: Oh, my God,
565
00:13:40,838 --> 00:13:41,670
if that's Babou...!
566
00:13:41,672 --> 00:13:42,571
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh, I wish.
567
00:13:42,573 --> 00:13:43,538
He's around here somewhere,
568
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:44,706
either puking or pissing on
569
00:13:44,708 --> 00:13:46,575
something I care about.
570
00:13:46,577 --> 00:13:47,576
>> LANA: Hey, so...
571
00:13:47,578 --> 00:13:48,577
Ron's gonna die?
572
00:13:48,579 --> 00:13:49,578
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Wait, Ron's
573
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:50,579
gonna die?!
574
00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:51,880
>> RON: Aah, the darkness!
575
00:13:51,882 --> 00:13:53,181
>> LANA: Especially if he goes
576
00:13:53,183 --> 00:13:54,349
into shock, which is why I'm
577
00:13:54,351 --> 00:13:55,584
speaking quietly.
578
00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:56,718
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Smart.
579
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:57,753
>> LANA: We have to get him to a
580
00:13:57,755 --> 00:13:58,754
hospital, so are you sure
581
00:13:58,756 --> 00:14:00,255
there's no other way out of here
582
00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:01,256
besides the front door?
583
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:02,257
Like, maybe a helicopter pad,
584
00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:03,258
or...?
585
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:04,259
>> CHERYL/CAROL: The only thing
586
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,260
I can think of is all the
587
00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:06,261
secret tunnels.
588
00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,262
(Lana swallows)
589
00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:08,563
>> LANA: I'm sorry?
590
00:14:08,565 --> 00:14:09,564
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, they go
591
00:14:09,566 --> 00:14:10,565
everywhere.
592
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:11,566
My... I want to say my
593
00:14:11,568 --> 00:14:12,868
great-great-great-uncle?
594
00:14:12,870 --> 00:14:14,269
He built them trying to tap into
595
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:15,437
the Underground Railroad.
596
00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:16,438
>> LANA: Wait, did he think it
597
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:17,439
was literally...?
598
00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:18,440
>> CHERYL/CAROL: A subterranean
599
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:19,574
railroad, yeah, so...
600
00:14:19,576 --> 00:14:20,776
>> PAM: So why'd he build a
601
00:14:20,778 --> 00:14:21,777
bunch of tunnels?
602
00:14:21,779 --> 00:14:22,778
>> CHERYL/CAROL: To capture
603
00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:23,779
runaway slaves and sell them
604
00:14:23,781 --> 00:14:25,380
back to their rightful owners.
605
00:14:25,382 --> 00:14:26,748
>> PAM: Wow.
606
00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:27,783
>> LANA: Ugh, whatever, can
607
00:14:27,785 --> 00:14:28,784
we...?
608
00:14:28,786 --> 00:14:29,951
>> CHERYL/CAROL: I want to say
609
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,386
his plan was to dress like a
610
00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:32,788
ghost?
611
00:14:32,790 --> 00:14:34,422
>> LANA: Can we get Ron
612
00:14:34,424 --> 00:14:36,391
to a hospital?
613
00:14:36,393 --> 00:14:37,392
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, totally.
614
00:14:37,394 --> 00:14:40,228
And then this one here goes all
615
00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:41,630
the way up to Lenox Hill
616
00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:42,631
Hospital.
617
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:43,632
>> LANA: Jesus, that's like a
618
00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:44,633
mile.
619
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:45,734
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, you don't
620
00:14:45,736 --> 00:14:47,302
want to walk that, so I'd come
621
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,771
up around here and get a cab.
622
00:14:49,773 --> 00:14:51,406
That'll be way quicker.
623
00:14:51,408 --> 00:14:53,408
Plus I bet there's mole people.
624
00:14:53,410 --> 00:14:54,476
>> CYRIL: Okay, I think her
625
00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:55,811
point was, with all this, your
626
00:14:55,813 --> 00:14:57,312
great-whatever uncle must have
627
00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,580
really wanted to catch some
628
00:14:58,582 --> 00:14:59,581
slaves.
629
00:14:59,583 --> 00:15:00,582
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, it
630
00:15:00,584 --> 00:15:01,616
bankrupted him, and the crazy
631
00:15:01,618 --> 00:15:04,286
part, is this was, like, 1890.
632
00:15:04,288 --> 00:15:05,787
>> MALORY: Will you hurry up?
633
00:15:05,789 --> 00:15:06,788
We're losing him.
634
00:15:06,790 --> 00:15:07,823
(Ron moans)
635
00:15:07,825 --> 00:15:09,257
>> ARCHER: Ron, shut up!
636
00:15:09,259 --> 00:15:10,258
Okay, Carol, you know the
637
00:15:10,260 --> 00:15:11,493
tunnels, you lead the group.
638
00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:12,494
Cyril and Pam, you carry Ron.
639
00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:13,495
Lana...
640
00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:14,496
>> PAM: Why do I have to carry
641
00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:15,497
him?
642
00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:16,498
>> ARCHER: Because remember
643
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:17,499
before when this whole goddamn
644
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:18,600
thing was your fault?!
645
00:15:18,602 --> 00:15:19,601
>> PAM: Just asking.
646
00:15:19,603 --> 00:15:20,602
>> ARCHER: Lana and Mother, you
647
00:15:20,604 --> 00:15:21,603
should go with them, because my
648
00:15:21,605 --> 00:15:22,938
plan may not work.
649
00:15:22,940 --> 00:15:23,939
>> MALORY: What plan?
650
00:15:23,941 --> 00:15:24,940
>> ARCHER: Okay, this tunnel
651
00:15:24,942 --> 00:15:26,508
here tees into a utility tunnel
652
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:27,809
right in front of the house.
653
00:15:27,811 --> 00:15:28,844
>> LANA: So...?
654
00:15:28,846 --> 00:15:30,312
>> ARCHER: So I need my slightly
655
00:15:30,314 --> 00:15:31,346
darker-black black suit.
656
00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,849
Woodhouse!
657
00:15:33,851 --> 00:15:35,450
Goddamn it, where the hell
658
00:15:35,452 --> 00:15:36,451
is he?
659
00:15:36,453 --> 00:15:38,486
>> WOODHOUSE: Slowly dying, for
660
00:15:38,488 --> 00:15:40,989
all anyone cares.
661
00:15:40,991 --> 00:15:42,624
But the saddest part is
662
00:15:42,626 --> 00:15:45,026
no one does.
663
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,328
>> ARCHER: Oh, who cares?
664
00:15:46,330 --> 00:15:47,329
(Ron moans)
665
00:15:47,331 --> 00:15:48,463
>> PAM: Aw, quit your literal
666
00:15:48,465 --> 00:15:49,698
bellyaching.
667
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:50,699
>> LANA: Yeah, I'm staying.
668
00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:51,800
Because if your plan is what I
669
00:15:51,802 --> 00:15:53,001
think it is, you are totally
670
00:15:53,003 --> 00:15:54,703
gonna need rescuing.
671
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:55,804
>> ARCHER: No, I'm not, Lana, so
672
00:15:55,806 --> 00:15:57,639
shut your dicktrap.
673
00:15:57,641 --> 00:15:58,874
(laughs)
674
00:15:58,876 --> 00:16:00,976
But if I do, I-I apologize for
675
00:16:00,978 --> 00:16:03,378
that remark, and ask that you
676
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:04,713
definitely do rescue me.
677
00:16:04,715 --> 00:16:06,314
Or avenge me as appropriate.
678
00:16:06,316 --> 00:16:07,315
>> MALORY: That's it, I'm
679
00:16:07,317 --> 00:16:08,316
staying, too.
680
00:16:08,318 --> 00:16:09,317
>> RON: What?
681
00:16:09,319 --> 00:16:10,385
You're picking him over me?
682
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:11,386
>> MALORY: Oh, for... It's not a
683
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,554
competition, Ron!
684
00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:13,822
He's my child.
685
00:16:13,824 --> 00:16:15,357
But seriously?
686
00:16:15,359 --> 00:16:16,358
A floor model?
687
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:17,359
>> RON: Aw!
688
00:16:17,361 --> 00:16:18,560
What are you people, hourly?
689
00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:19,728
Let's go here.
690
00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:20,862
(moaning)
691
00:16:20,864 --> 00:16:22,898
(Archer chuckling)
692
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,065
>> LANA (sighs): Are you
693
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,066
laughing at "dicktrap"?
694
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:26,334
(Archer laughs loudly)
695
00:16:26,336 --> 00:16:27,569
>> ARCHER: Uh-huh, but
696
00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:28,837
seriously, though, if it comes
697
00:16:28,839 --> 00:16:30,672
down to it, please do rescue me.
698
00:16:30,674 --> 00:16:31,740
>> PAM: Okay!
699
00:16:31,742 --> 00:16:32,741
Sorry!
700
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:33,742
I'm walking backwards here.
701
00:16:33,744 --> 00:16:34,910
>> RON: God, you're killing me
702
00:16:34,912 --> 00:16:36,044
here is what you're doing.
703
00:16:36,046 --> 00:16:37,846
>> CYRIL: Just try to stay calm.
704
00:16:37,848 --> 00:16:38,847
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, chill
705
00:16:38,849 --> 00:16:40,415
out, Ray got shot in the stomach
706
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:42,751
and he's, like, totally fine.
707
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:43,752
(snoring)
708
00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:45,353
(groans)
709
00:16:45,355 --> 00:16:47,022
(snoring)
710
00:16:47,024 --> 00:16:48,023
>> CYRIL: Here we go, stepping
711
00:16:48,025 --> 00:16:49,357
it up! Hey-oh!
712
00:16:49,359 --> 00:16:50,759
(Ron yelling)
713
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:51,927
>> ARCHER: Jesus, Ron, man up.
714
00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:53,762
I've been shot...
715
00:16:53,764 --> 00:16:56,364
holy shit, 26 times?
716
00:16:56,366 --> 00:16:57,732
Can't be good for me.
717
00:16:57,734 --> 00:16:58,733
I mean, in gangster movies,
718
00:16:58,735 --> 00:16:59,734
they're always like...
719
00:16:59,736 --> 00:17:00,735
"He got a bad case of
720
00:17:00,737 --> 00:17:02,070
lead poisoning, see!"
721
00:17:02,072 --> 00:17:03,738
But think about it, every
722
00:17:03,740 --> 00:17:05,073
bullet's got to leave at least a
723
00:17:05,075 --> 00:17:06,541
teeny bit of residual lead in
724
00:17:06,543 --> 00:17:07,709
your body, right?
725
00:17:07,711 --> 00:17:09,444
Shit.
726
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:10,612
By the time I'm 60, I bet I'll
727
00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:12,881
be mad as a goddamn hatter.
728
00:17:12,883 --> 00:17:15,450
(grunts)
729
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:16,451
>> LANA: I don't believe it.
730
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:17,452
He made it.
731
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:18,453
>> MALORY: You never give him
732
00:17:18,455 --> 00:17:19,721
enough credit.
733
00:17:19,723 --> 00:17:20,889
And honestly, not your best
734
00:17:20,891 --> 00:17:22,424
trait.
735
00:17:22,426 --> 00:17:23,458
You may want to work on that,
736
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:24,893
since you'll be a mother soon.
737
00:17:24,895 --> 00:17:26,061
Unless...
738
00:17:26,063 --> 00:17:27,595
well, I suppose that all depends
739
00:17:27,597 --> 00:17:29,130
on what kind of mother you want
740
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,700
to be.
741
00:17:33,903 --> 00:17:36,071
>> ARCHER: Uh...
742
00:17:36,073 --> 00:17:37,806
Konnichiwa?
743
00:17:37,808 --> 00:17:38,807
Hmm?
744
00:17:38,809 --> 00:17:40,575
The door-san?
745
00:17:40,577 --> 00:17:41,977
(man grunts)
746
00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:43,144
Thanks, Kato!
747
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,714
(both grunting)
748
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:48,817
(Moto yells in Japanese)
749
00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:50,585
>> MOTO: Yoshi!
750
00:17:50,587 --> 00:17:51,820
(yells)
751
00:17:51,822 --> 00:17:53,655
>> ARCHER: I'm sorry, uh, Yoshi
752
00:17:53,657 --> 00:17:54,823
is indisposed.
753
00:17:54,825 --> 00:17:55,824
>> MOTO: You!
754
00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:57,425
>> ARCHER: Me.
755
00:17:57,427 --> 00:17:59,094
Scrooch!
756
00:17:59,096 --> 00:18:00,662
>> MOTO: You must know...
757
00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:02,430
>> ARCHER: Hang on.
758
00:18:02,432 --> 00:18:03,431
(coughs)
759
00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:04,432
Oh, God.
760
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:05,433
Sorry, I don't want to get a
761
00:18:05,435 --> 00:18:06,434
dry socket.
762
00:18:06,436 --> 00:18:07,669
>> MOTO: You must know that even
763
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:10,005
if you kill me, the Yakuza will
764
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:11,606
never forgive this debt of
765
00:18:11,608 --> 00:18:12,607
honor.
766
00:18:12,609 --> 00:18:13,608
They will kill...
767
00:18:13,610 --> 00:18:14,676
(yells)
768
00:18:14,678 --> 00:18:15,844
>> ARCHER: Right?
769
00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:17,512
That's so bad for your ears.
770
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,014
But I get it, the Bushido code,
771
00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:20,615
the whole Japanese thing, I get
772
00:18:20,617 --> 00:18:21,683
it, but...
773
00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:22,684
>> MOTO: What do you know about
774
00:18:22,686 --> 00:18:23,818
being Japanese?
775
00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:24,953
>> ARCHER: I guess only the
776
00:18:24,955 --> 00:18:26,154
clichés, really.
777
00:18:26,156 --> 00:18:28,023
Karaoke, pachinko, subway
778
00:18:28,025 --> 00:18:29,024
frottage...
779
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:30,025
>> MOTO: Enough!
780
00:18:30,027 --> 00:18:31,526
>> ARCHER: Hang on.
781
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:32,527
Uh, tentacle porn, uh...
782
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:33,795
>> MOTO: Enough!
783
00:18:33,797 --> 00:18:34,829
>> ARCHER: Hang on!
784
00:18:34,831 --> 00:18:36,164
Those vending machines that sell
785
00:18:36,166 --> 00:18:37,699
used schoolgirl panties.
786
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,967
Okay, done.
787
00:18:38,969 --> 00:18:40,201
Now, here's what I propose.
788
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,203
>> MOTO: You dare to propose...
789
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:43,805
>> ARCHER: I swear to God I can
790
00:18:43,807 --> 00:18:44,973
do that all day.
791
00:18:44,975 --> 00:18:46,641
I mean, to me, it sounds like
792
00:18:46,643 --> 00:18:48,176
bubble wrap.
793
00:18:48,178 --> 00:18:50,845
>> MOTO: What is your proposal?
794
00:18:50,847 --> 00:18:52,013
>> ARCHER: I know the Yakuza
795
00:18:52,015 --> 00:18:53,148
will hunt us down forever, but I
796
00:18:53,150 --> 00:18:55,183
bet ycan forgive the debt of
797
00:18:55,185 --> 00:18:56,651
honor, right?
798
00:18:56,653 --> 00:18:57,719
>> MOTO: Only if blood has been
799
00:18:57,721 --> 00:18:58,720
shed.
800
00:18:58,722 --> 00:18:59,721
>> ARCHER: Well, my stepfa...
801
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:01,222
my mother's husband is about a
802
00:19:01,224 --> 00:19:02,991
quart low-- you shot him.
803
00:19:02,993 --> 00:19:04,526
So I'm thinking you take back
804
00:19:04,528 --> 00:19:05,994
all... well, almost all the
805
00:19:05,996 --> 00:19:07,495
pills-- Pam ate a bunch, and I'm
806
00:19:07,497 --> 00:19:08,830
not gonna lie to you, I had a
807
00:19:08,832 --> 00:19:11,066
couple, or six-- plus you keep
808
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:12,567
the counterfeit million.
809
00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:13,835
>> MOTO: But...
810
00:19:13,837 --> 00:19:14,836
>> ARCHER: Plus if you don't,
811
00:19:14,838 --> 00:19:15,837
I'll kill you.
812
00:19:15,839 --> 00:19:16,838
Probably should have led with
813
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:17,839
that.
814
00:19:17,841 --> 00:19:19,007
(Moto grunts)
815
00:19:19,009 --> 00:19:20,842
>> MOTO: I must accept.
816
00:19:20,844 --> 00:19:23,044
But I cannot lose mentsu.
817
00:19:23,046 --> 00:19:24,913
What you call "face."
818
00:19:24,915 --> 00:19:26,247
My men must think this was my
819
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:28,016
decision.
820
00:19:28,018 --> 00:19:29,184
That you somehow
821
00:19:29,186 --> 00:19:30,885
"sweetened the deal."
822
00:19:30,887 --> 00:19:32,020
>> ARCHER (yawns): Well, at this
823
00:19:32,022 --> 00:19:33,688
point, the reds are wearing off
824
00:19:33,690 --> 00:19:35,023
and the bourbon's kicking in,
825
00:19:35,025 --> 00:19:36,858
so, uh, you can pretty much name
826
00:19:36,860 --> 00:19:38,193
it.
827
00:19:38,195 --> 00:19:40,929
(Moto grunts)
828
00:19:46,035 --> 00:19:48,603
(Moto speaking Japanese)
829
00:19:51,540 --> 00:19:52,707
(Archer laughs)
830
00:19:52,709 --> 00:19:54,576
>> ARCHER: That is so true.
831
00:19:54,578 --> 00:19:55,777
>> MALORY: That was Cyril.
832
00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,245
Ron's in surgery, but the bullet
833
00:19:57,247 --> 00:19:58,713
missed everything, and his
834
00:19:58,715 --> 00:19:59,747
prognosis is excellent.
835
00:19:59,749 --> 00:20:00,748
>> LANA: Oh, my God, that's
836
00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:01,749
great, so...
837
00:20:01,751 --> 00:20:02,884
>> ARCHER: So win-win!
838
00:20:02,886 --> 00:20:03,885
>> MALORY: Wha..? Win-win?
839
00:20:03,887 --> 00:20:04,886
>> ARCHER: Ow!
840
00:20:04,888 --> 00:20:05,887
>> LANA: Malory.
841
00:20:05,889 --> 00:20:06,888
>> MALORY: A gut-shot husband
842
00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:07,889
and an idiot son who just
843
00:20:07,891 --> 00:20:09,224
gave away $5 million
844
00:20:09,226 --> 00:20:10,725
worth of cocaine?
845
00:20:10,727 --> 00:20:13,528
I call that a lose-lose-lose!
846
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:16,064
(sad trombone melody begins)
847
00:20:16,066 --> 00:20:17,799
(melody abruptly stops)
848
00:20:20,569 --> 00:20:22,971
(Archer laughing)
849
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,809
What could possibly
850
00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:29,744
be funny?
851
00:20:29,746 --> 00:20:32,981
>> ARCHER (laughing): The phone!
852
00:20:32,983 --> 00:20:35,750
It was Woodhouse's!
853
00:20:35,752 --> 00:20:36,751
Captioned by
854
00:20:36,753 --> 00:20:37,952
Media Access Group at WGBH
855
00:20:37,954 --> 00:20:40,555
access.wgbh.org
856
00:21:00,609 --> 00:21:03,878
>> MAN: Made... in Georgia.