OPENING MUSIC.
Very pleased eh, to be here,
and hopefully we can move forward.
Yes, I put my hands up.
Absolutely guilty as charged.
Some months ago, I had an affair.
I had an affair with a member of my staff.
A young woman by the name of...
We've been through all of this by the way.
A young woman by the name of Tracy Bryant.
who has since been repatriated
to her domiciled country, Birmingham.
Well... I'll start.
(VOICE TREMBLES) Over the last few years,
I've lost over half my body weight.
(WHISPERS) I was very big.
And I noticed that since I lost the weight,
a lot of problems have begun to surface
between myself and Brendan.
By and large we've had a very good marriage.
SQUEAKING SOUND.
We're great old pals.
What's that noise?
It's your shoe on the floor, Brendan.
SQUEAK.
The situation as I see it,
and I have to be honest here.
The situation is, Sylvia,
that I want to move on from the current impasse, if you will.
The situation that we're now in,
is that I feel that I have dealt with it and moved on.
Though it is more difficult for Sylvia, I do understand that.
But I don't totally think that Sylvia
has gotten over the situation at this point in time.
That is why I would like you, as the therapist,
to expedite us and move on to a more solutions-based situation.
Hi.
I'm Brian and this is Moya.
I can speak for myself Brian.
Well, it's just the formalities really.
Anyway, seriously.
We're actually here
because we've got some very, very important things to discuss.
PHONE RINGS Oops!
Sorry, just a minute.
Phone.
Work.
What else.
Hello?
Well!
Oh for God's sake.
You can't have someone crying in the head office of Human Resources.
When we married, I was only 16, 16 and a half.
Stone.
But of course, the weight just crept up.
And by the time I got to 22 stone,
I was told I wouldn't be able to conceive.
So that was when I tried to drop the weight for the first time.
(SIGHS)
I don't know why she went on all the dieting.
She looked perfectly presentable the way she was.
She looked fine.
Sure there's nothing wrong with, you know, if you're upset,
going and having a Twix and a cup of tea.
(SIGHS)
There's nothing wrong with a bit of chocolate.
Tell her she can pack her little box,
and she can fuck away off.
No. Put her in the lift.
Look, I'm actually in the middle of something here.
I've got to go, ok? Just do your job.
Well that is what you're paid for.
Ok. Goodbye.
TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS.
Sorry about that.
Are you back with us now?
Yes Graham. Phones off?
Absolutely.
Right. Em... seriously.
Moya and myself are here,
because we have been the victims,
of an appalling miscarriage of justice.
The way I feel about it is,
that I don't want to sacrifice, my marriage,
and everything I've worked for,
on some cheap affair, with a little slut.
Neither do I, by the way.
I'm disappointed in Dudley.
I didn't think he'd be fool enough, you know?
But he was.
And... um...
As I say, eh..we've already been through eh...
a lot of issues regarding this.
I don't want to drag up all the old shite.
We've already been through that.
What we need from you,
are the tools to be able to deal with the situation
and move on.
Because, quite frankly, life isn't very easy at home at the moment.
My wife, she won't sleep with me.
I can't! Understandable.
She won't be cordial to me at times and she won't leave me.
Not that I want her to, by the way.
So I'm in a situation,
that I would like to have a stable home life, a stable domestic life.
But I feel at this point, that I can't.
Our boy Dargan... He's 14.
He's our eldest.
Before I start, should I say,
I love that boy.
I really love that boy.
..stands accused of some trumped up charge,
Dargan is like any normal 14 year old, you know?
They went out, they had fun,
things got messy.
Now he's facing some kind of trumped up charge
that won't amount to anything, you know?
Come on. They were drunk.
Course they were. They're 14.
What do you expect, that's what boys do.
Anyway, our legal team say, there's a preliminary court hearing,
procedural, no need for us to be there.
We say, of course we want to be there.
Nightmare.
But you know, Graham's in the Horn of Africa. Building hospitals.
I'm reimagining Haiti. Hello.
Careers. Lives. You know?
We get back
and some crusty Victorian judge has decided...
Because we're not there.
How dare some fucking judge, judge us.
We find ourselves in the middle of a Kafkaesque nightmare,
where our baby has been taken into care,
and we've been branded unfit parents. (LAUGHS)
Go figure.
I lost, em, 4 and a half stone...
before I eh, got pregnant with our son Philip.
But of course, by the time Philip was born,
(SIGHS)
the weight was back up.
I couldn't resist the ice-cream.
(WHISPERS) And eh..
I went very low in myself.
It was a while before it was diagnosed,
but eh, I had a pernicious bout of postnatal depression,
and eh, I was put on lithium.
Sure,
I didn't care what was happening.
Dirty.
I feel... dirty, you know?
I want to be with him,
but I can't let meself.
I feel filthy.
I just clam up, ya know?
S-S-Sorry.
I, eh, sorry.
Sylvia, but...
sorry, just talk privately.
Sylvia. Eh, dirty?
CHUCKLES.
You weren't raped.
Yah, I mean I've just got to tell you
the nature of my work,
international financier.
Humanitarian.
Advisor to governments. That sort of thing.
Yah, this is potentially a really embarrassing situation for me.
Anyway. Our new counsel.
Ah, the best, you know? Superb finisher.
Really persuasive guy.
They advised us to come here.
And basically we are trying to get an interim court hearing to get our son back.
Sure she was much happier with the ice cream
than she ever was with the drugs.
They didn't seem to do any good at all.
(SIGHS)
I don't know why she had to go and change.
I don't know what the point of change is.
(SOBS) The worst thing was,
I'm sorry.
Sure change only causes people anxiety and stress.
I don't know what the point in changing is!
Why can't people go on just being the way they are?
(SIGHS)
I don't know why people want to change.
You know, Moya is just the BEST mother.
She's the best mother you could ever have.
Me and Graham are just baby mad.
We love children.
We're not happy unless we're making babies!
Probably too much information.
The way me and Graham have always decided to be with the kids,
with Dargan, with Trixie, and with the other 7 is,
ok, there's no official Mum and Dad as such.
I mean, you've got to give children the appar-ah-tus to do what they're going to do.
There's no point in saying to your children,
Oh, don't be smoking!
Don't be having sex.
Don't be having fun, you know?
It's not a dictatorship. They're gonnae do it.
So we say, if you're going to do it, do it.
If you're gonnae have sex,
there's the condoms, there's the lubricants,
if there's anything you need or want to know, just ask us.
Because we're modern people.
We're modern people in that regard.
I mean, as Moya rightly points out,
she's really clever on this, and always has been.
Psychology first, huh!
She's always pointed it out.
She's right - she's the one pushing this parenting model.
And that is, you can't ignore something that's happening right in front of your face.
You know, we're friends to our children.
We're not just parents.
I remember, you know... That's nice.
I remember, you know, when Dargan was 8.
He came to me and said:
'Look Dad, I really want to have a glass of wine.'.
I said, ok.
Let's see where it takes us.
Organically, feel it through.
They do it in France.
Ohhh.
I never asked him did he use protection.
I never even thought of tha'!
Oh..God.
No wonder I feel filthy.
Sorry, what does that have got to do with anything, ok?
I knew we shouldn't have come here!
I didn't want to bring all this up and now look what's after happening?
Sorry, I just better go to the jacks.
(SOBS LOUDLY) Oh God, no wonder I feel filthy.
I could've catched anything.
A few years ago,
I joined Slenderize Health Club,
and that was the start of a whole new journey for me.
I was the biggest ever weight loss in Slenderize.
They're going to have a special ceremony for me.
Well not just me. Everyone who had reached their target weight.
But eh... I was going to get a special medal.
So I was delighted about that.
Felt really great in myself and eh...
just before we went out to the ceremony.
I turned around to Brendan and I...
I said something I'd never said before.
I said eh...
I said: Brendan, how do I look?
And he told me I looked as if I had AIDS.
I didn't say you looked like you had AIDS. You did!
Why would I say it was AIDS if it wasn't?
I didn't say that!
I said you looked like you had cancer, not AIDS.
But sure I didn't mean it in a bad way.
I mean, nothing against the people who have those sorts of things.
It's just that I thought...
You looked like you were ill because you'd lost so much weight,
that's all.
As usual, it was misunderstood.
MUSIC.
Brandy. Mitigating circumstances really.
Look, there was a whole gang of them involved.
They get involved in a tussle, wee guy hits the deck.
Really, more people wake up from comas than don't.
Brain damage, you know, they SAY. Oh please.
But I mean, come on.
There's so many unanswered questions.
I can't go into it, you know, for legal ramifications and so on.
But, the question I sort of ask, is,
look, if he's got brain damage,
how's he going to remember anything that went on?
I'm 52 years of age.
I mean, we don't do that sort of thing.
It's never been part of...
Well it's never been a feature!
I-I-I doubt most people of our age,
would be engaged in that sort of activity.
We never had any problems with our sex life, did we Dudley?
No we didn't. That's what I don't understand?
No we didn't. None whatsoever.
You're correct. Go ahead. Express your feelings.
You know, and I didn't...
That is what we are paying the woman for.
You know, we were always very compatible in the department.
And that's why it was so devastating for me.
And devastating for Jade, our eldest girl.
This situation, is an absolute nightmare.
Our son. Our baby.
Has been taken away from this beautiful idyllic life that he has,
and stuck in some suburban hellhole,
with some freaky cookie-cutter foster mummy
who can't have her own babies, you know?
Hello? IVF, you know?
Times have moved on.
Don't take other people's babies.
Go and make your own.
Our oldest girl Jade, she's 18 going on 19, you know?
And ever since she found out about her Daddy's affair.
You can tell. She just doesn't trust men, you know?
No interest.
As I say, none of that is actually relevant.
I'm like a lioness with her cubs when it comes to my girls.
A fantastic mother, no question.
I'd die for the girls, wouldn't I Dudley?
She would die for the girls. She'd kill for the girls.
They're everything to us, Jade and Edel. Everything.
We're allowed to see him, every Saturday, for an hour.
When I reached my target weight, our eh..
our son Philip gave us a voucher.
I'm going to say it Brendan.
To stay overnight in a hotel. And eh..
And that's when I decided to take matters into my own hands.
I went into Marks & Spencers a few days before,
with my friend and mentor from Slenderize, Carmel Downey,
and I bought a very tasteful lingerie outfit.
It was absolutely gorgeous, you know?
When we finally got to the hotel,
Brendan went out to play a few rounds of golf and eh...
well I ran up and got the room ready.
With scented candles and rose petals,
ONLY silk ones now that they wouldn't destroy the sheets.
And eh...
I got ready and eh... put on music.
I lay down on the bed and I eh...
and I waited for him.
To come back.
(SOBS)
No, Dargan's fine. He's fine.
He's eh... well I don't actually know.
I don't actually know because I haven't seen him for a few weeks.
There's a bit of an issue.
Last week he called Moya a cunt.
No Moya, it is actually relevant, here.
It's not that he called you a cunt per se,
it's that he called the other woman Mum.
I opened the door you know, when I...
(SIGHS)
I saw her in this get-up that I hadn't seen before,
lying on the bed there, I mean I don't think I had, anyway.
And my first thought was had she fallen ill?
(LOUD SOBBING)
Well I mean...
You could've had a fall or something, injured yourself.
And he ran out of the room.
I didn't run out of the room.
I had to go down to the lobby,
to attend to some business down there.
I mean, you were the one going on about the bistro getting busy
so I had to book it early.
I had to exchange a tea-time with a fellow from Moate.
I just put on a old pair of leggings and a jumper and I left.
We've been living apart since then.
And I'm staying with my mentor from Slenderize, Carmel Downey.
And I said to Brendan that I eh...
would only consider moving back in,
if he agreed to come here.
I am not looking for a quick-fix solution,
sure I pre-paid for the first 6 sessions!
You know, it's our 20th wedding anniversary in 7 weeks' time.
And we're going to Portabanus.
And we want to get sorted.
It's beautiful there.
There's a whole gang going.
Dowie and Jackie, Ellie and Bonner,
Missy, wha'!
I know who's going.
I would really like to enjoy it.
But the hurt inside, is massive, you know?
Sylvia, you CAN'T keep dragging this up.
Picking at it like it's a sore.
I had an affair with a young one.
I in no way deny that fact.
I in NO WAY deny that fact! Alright Dudley!
Which is why I'm here.
Obviously, there is a situation pertaining to my wife,
where she feels very hurt.
Which is why we've come to you to deal with the situation and move on.
And quite frankly, at 200 euro an hour,
I'd expect you to expedite us in the right direction very quickly!
See, I'm solutions-based. I'm in the security industry.
And that's what we provide, solutions.
You know what? I think this is going to work out.
I really do. I've a really good feeling about it.
We're going to do everything we can to get our boy Dargan back.
And if that means maybe Moya has to take some time off work,
maybe stay at home... What?
Then we'll do that, won't we?
Oh. So now it's the Mummy's fault?
There's no judgment here. Yes there is.
I'm not judging you.
I feel like I've been flung out of the dark bloody ages here!
Oh Moya, you're over-reacting.
I blame all these women's magazines for all this sort of nonsense.
All this false hope and expectation that it gives women,
it doesn't really do them any service at all.
I mean...
It creates this sort of male character,
who's supposed to come home and ravish them,
and throw them in the bed and fuck them! Brendan!
Well it does!
It creates all of this false hope and expectation.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Come on Moya, I know you're upset.
We're all upset.
But let's just stick to the facts here, ok?
Go ahead.
No, no. Go on.
No, you go on.
No, because you seem to have it all sorted out.
(SIGHS)
Oh, fuck off Moya.
Fuck off yourself.
I think we're out of time now.
The ticket is up in her anyway.
Oh Jesus, it's 24 hour clamping out there.
We don't want to get clamped.
Ok, let's go.
Ok, listen, tank you.
Sure we'll see you next week.
I've said all I want to say for today.
Well thank you for that.
And thank you, it's been really instructive.
By the way, I love your shoes.
They're fabulous.
Ok. Eh...
Brendan, do you think you could ever find me attractive again?
In what way?
Sexually, Brendan.
Well I...
I suppose.
We could give it a bash.
Well I suppose that's a start, yeah?
MUSIC