Whoo!
♪ Here we go
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
ANNOUNCER: The following is a presentation
of The Supermarket Channel,
home of the 2013 Grocery Games.
NARRATOR: Natesville. Two towns over from Anytown, U.S.A.
It's the kind of town where people still do business
with a handshake.
Where every citizen-- four-legged or not--
is treated with the same level of respect.
Natesville has a long history of not having much history,
but that's about to change.
The 2013 International Grocery Games
have been awarded
to Natesville.
(cheering)
Finally Natesville will be known for something other than being
the town with that weird hum no one can track down.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
BARNEY: I'm a bit of a Grocery Games junkie.
This is a-a poster from the inaugural Games in 1986.
When Reagan and Gorbachev finally sat down face-to-face
and found a way for our two countries
to challenge each other without resorting to nuclear weapons--
the Grocery Games.
And to this day, the American team has never won the Games.
This year, that is going to change.
NARRATOR: Barney and the rest of Natesville's confidence
is so high because this year, the American squad is stocked
with Grade A grocery talent.
Stacy Finley, can-stacker.
Danny Bronson, grocery-bagger.
(starting pistol fires) Paul Kroll,
champion cart-wrangler.
Last but not least, the anchor leg of the competition,
the event that separates the men from the stock boys--
the deli platter assembly.
American Brett Sommerstein, ironically
a vegetarian, is the best slicer of deli meats
this country has ever produced.
But victory is far from guaranteed,
as this year's Russian team is as strong as ever.
Local Natesvillapudlians open their hearts and their homes
to these gladiators of the grocery
in an unselfish show of sportsmanship and kindness.
What'd he bring us? What'de bring us? What'd he bring us?
Looks like... a bottle of turnip vodka,
some dried fish
and a bunch of socks.
Ooh, I need socks.
This hosting thing is awesome.
I'm so glad we got... what's-his-face-istan.
My name is Sergei Berdimuhamedov,
and that is my luggage.
The Russian competitors bond with their local hosts.
Oh, hey, cool screen saver.
I'm still sticking with Flying Toasters.
No, no, that's my Internet girlfriend.
Don't worry. She can't see us.
I don't turn the camera on unless I'm wearing my baby mask.
Well, if you love this horse,
why do you hide your face? FRANK: We may hide our faces,
but that just makes it easier to bare our souls.
And one time when we were drunk,
she showed me one of her boobs, so I showed her one of mine.
Another thing we have in common: nice cans.
And no sooner had the pleasantries been exchanged,
when cultural differences
rose to a level not seen since Rocky IV.
I am Svetlana, and this is my daughter Dasha.
Welcome. Look at these
pathetic Americans.
Hey. They are soft like pierogi dough.
And they are so tiny.
We would feed this to ox and hope
for strong baby next time.
Get the bags, Dasha! Oh. No, no, no.
Hey, listen, we can... help with... (yelps)
Don't help her!
We can help with... (grunts)
(upbeat dance music playing)
While some athletes dine in,
others are looking forward to experiencing
the American nightlife.
Hey, Frank, does this club at the bowling alley
have a dress code?
WOMAN: And after he pushed me
into the reptile enclosure,
I was never able to trust another man again.
Aw, that is, until now.
(Frank sneezes)
Is there somebody else there with you?
(sneezes)
An allergic reaction to the Russian cologne,
Chernobyl Breeze, sends Frank into a sneezing fit.
Oh, man. Are you okay?
I can call 911!
(sneezes, gasping)
Oh, my God.
Horse-head is Shelley?
Hello?
Hello? Are you okay?
So, I've had sex with horse
and I've had sex with woman,
but I've never had sex with hybrid horse-woman.
(chuckles)
While the rest of Natesville adapts to their foreign guests,
Barney Hughes learns that Americans
can be just as surprising.
Hey, guys!
You have time for a few pictures with your biggest fan?
(gasps)
BRETT: Could you close the door, Barney?
We're busy doping. Uh, uh...
Um... Uh, uh, you can't use this footage
if there's nudity, right?
You're just covering this with a graphic, aren't you?
NARRATOR: As the sun rises on Natesville,
it sets on a disgraced and disqualified American team,
whose doping antics have left their hopes
as shriveled as their testicles.
Just when it appeared that being from Natesville
was going to suck a little bit more than usual, Barney Hughes
makes a discovery that could change
the course of the Grocery Games.
This is kind of interesting.
"If any competitor cannot partake in the Games,
replacements may be chosen by the manager of the host store."
Emphasis on "kind of."
There are much more interesting books out there.
Remind me to lend you
some Danielle Steel.
Sounds like you should get in touch with the runners-up
from the U.S. championships.
Forget that. You guys should do it.
(chuckles) How often
do you get to represent your nation?
On a world stage?
On a channel that reaches over three percent of American TVs?
Oh, but we wouldn't stand a chance.
Yeah, Barney's right.
All right, the Russian team is made up of professionals.
We just do this for a living.
Guys. Come on.
This is your chance to shine.
Besides, don't you think
it would be nice for Natesville to be known
for something other than that mysterious hum?
Or the kazoo-testing facility?
SABRINA: Actually, I wasn't really listening.
I had a... itch on my neck, and I was trying to scratch it
with the tag on the back of my shirt by nodding like...
JIMMY: Yeah, I wasn't nodding either.
One of my favorite songs just...
came on in my head, and I was just
bopping along to it.
♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it, pull my taffy, boys ♪
♪ Pull my taffy, boys.
Don't you think we need a reason to hold our heads high?
Besides being the only town
in the United States to surrender to the Japanese
the day after Pearl Harbor?
BARNEY: Sometimes I think
if I concentrate hard enough,
I can make the clock go faster.
And what about the kids?
We could do it for the kids,
the future
of Natesville.
FRANK: I looked like I was agreeing,
but sometimes when I'm bored, I pretend I'm a Pez dispenser.
We're the town that voted to make our official bird
the middle finger.
Well, winning this would be
like giving a middle finger to the world.
BURT: I didn't even hear what she was saying.
It's just when she gets behind something,
she gets so passionate and hot.
That year she got behind Ruben Studdard on Idol,
we had so much sex it was crazy.
Aren't you sick of being laughed at?
(woman giggling, man laughing)
NARRATOR: Virginia's speech may have been falling on deaf ears,
but someone else's ears were being filled
with sweet nothings.
MAXIM: Oh, I feel so sorry
for this puny American cucumber.
It's so small it could not satisfy
anyone's appetite for anything.
In Russia, cucumbers are much bigger.
I'm not big on vegetables, so...
I hope you're talking about penises.
Of course was. (chuckles)
Da. (chuckles)
So who's in?
I knew it.
I knew you were all just nodding for your own personal reasons.
I'm in.
Just like Rebecca
never gave up on her ex-husband Paul
in Danielle Steel's Matters of the Heart,
I'm not giving up on America.
Never thought I'd say this...
but Frank here's my guy.
Who else is with us?
Well, after Frank volunteered, we kind of had to.
I mean, he is officially the laziest guy in the store.
Barney does superlatives in the annual Howdy's yearbook.
At first I was scared to do this,
but the more I thought about it, I realized
I don't have a fancy, glamorous life.
I work in a grocery store.
I'm sick of getting my glory piece by piece.
I want my glory whole!
NARRATOR: Can this ragtag group of underdogs
really take on the Russian superstars?
Find out after these messages.
Then at 8:30,
stay tuned for Sample Ladies After Dark.
This week a fat guy gets busted
for taking more than his share of cheese cubes.
With only one day to prepare and half of that
spent buying matching sweat suits,
Team U.S.A. embarks on a series
of nontraditional training exercises
set to up-tempo music.
(up-tempo music playing)
(whirring)
(chicken clucking)
Go.
What are you doing?
Use the slicer.
On his deathbed, I shook
my grandfather's thumb-less hand
and promised him I'd be the first Marolla
to die with ten fingers.
But, Frank, it's gonna take an hour to fill the platter.
I'll tell you what I tell the customers:
you can have it fast or you can have it finger-free.
While the team is busy training, food lines
are forming.
Some citizens of Natesville,
used to a heavy diet of processed lunch meat,
begin to lose their cool.
Who do you got to sleep with in this place
to get a half a pound of olive loaf?!
(whirring)
Hey, that-that's a health code v...
(beeping)
He's a natural.
NARRATOR: After being lost in the darkness for so long,
the team sees a ray of light.
(beep)
Why didn't you tell me Burt could do all this?
I didn't know.
Wait! Burt!
Burt, you're the best pure grocer I've ever seen.
Please join us.
We need you to save our team.
Sorry, Barney.
I don't do things that make me look foolish.
NARRATOR: After a brief investigation,
The Supermarket Channel finds the reason
for Burt's reluctance.
I knew it was only a matter of time before this came out.
What did you find, the pictures?
Yeah, I used to work at Howdy's.
I worked there long before Barney ever did.
It was simple-- hours were good,
beer was easy to steal.
It was all gravy
till Free Balloon Day.
One kid let his balloon slip away.
The string was hanging there, just out of reach.
I couldn't stand to see a kid lose something
he loved so much.
So I pulled a shopping cart over
and climbed on so I could get it down.
The cart shifted.
(breath quivering)
The cart shifted.
This is Dave Davidson reporting from Howdy's Market
on Free Balloon Day.
But this day of inflated expectations has ended
in tragedy for one unlucky stock boy,
and pure joy for the rest of us because it is...
(laughter) it's hilarious.
Stop laughing at me.
(laughter)
Stop laughing at me!
(distant): The cart shifted.
Stop laughing at me! I'm stuck!
(laughter)
Back to you, Stu.
The firemen had to use the jaws of life to cut me out.
And it was then I promised myself,
I would never be laughed at in a grocery store again.
Never.
NARRATOR: With little hope of victory,
spirits were at an all-time low.
Hey, Frank.
You know the front door of the store is locked?
I was supposed to unlock it.
Yet another job suck at.
Frank, what's wrong?
And can I have that roast beef?
The Russians.
They take your food,
they're gonna take Barney's trophy,
and they took my Shelley.
You and Shelley are a thing?
It's the age-old romantic story.
Boy wearing baby mask meets girl wearing horse-head mask.
And then girl's mask comes off,
and boy doesn't have the guts
to tell her how he really feels about her.
We've all seen it a million times.
Maybe she'd be happy if she knew it was you.
Come on, Burt.
The second most beautiful girl in Natesville
doesn't want the third hottest guy in Natesville.
It doesn't work that way, man.
If we won the Grocery Games, maybe I'd have a shot with her.
Maybe your team will win.
Not a chance.
We're gonna lose,
and I'm gonna lose the one thing I care about.
23. Tighten those butt cheeks, Sabriner. 24.
I quit.
Oh, my God! Thank God.
Now I can finally quit, too.
Oh, me, too. No offense, Frank, but I only did this
because I didn't want to seem lamer than you.
BURT: Nobody's quitting.
Oh, crap.
I'm joining the team, and we're gonna win this thing.
Oh. Thanks, Burt.
I'm not doing it for you, Barney.
I'm doing it for love.
Oh, sweetie.
Not your love, Virginia.
Frank's love.
Now that Team U.S.A. had their ringer on board,
team captain Barney Hughes devised a strategy for victory.
We have a competition to win, and we're gonna do that
by having Burt run the whole relay by himself.
I'll run the first three legs,
but Frank's pulling up the rear.
Me? No. I'm the worst one we've got.
(whispering): Look, Shelley needs to see you as a winner.
But the last leg is the deli platter,
and I'm horrible at the slicer.
Don't worry. I'll give you such a huge lead,
you'll have time to win the race and tell Shelley you love her
before the other team is even finished.
NARRATOR: What looked like a Grocery Games disaster
when the American team was disqualified
is now set to be one of the most exciting contests
to date.
(booing)
I'd hit that.
Let the games begin.
NARRATOR: Both teams are playing for love of their country.
But one participant is playing for the country of love.
(gun chamber clicks, gunshot)
While Sergei uses the traditional technique
of gathering all five carts,
Burt uses a single-cart strategy
never before seen in competition.
(applause and cheering)
Can-stacking is usually a tedious event
where individual cans
are removed from cases and placed on a shelf.
They say that by the last case,
each can feels like it weighs a thousand pounds.
What the hell is he doing?
You told him he has to take the cans out of the boxes, right?
I tried to, but every time
I said the word "cans," he giggled. (giggles)
NARRATOR: But while everyone thought
Burt was leaving the cans in the box,
was actually thinking outside the box.
(woman gasps)
(applause and cheering)
After shattering the world record
in the can-stacking competition,
Burt is on his way to bagging the championship.
As Burt finishes the third leg of the relay,
the Russian team has barely begun stacking cans.
BURT: Go! (applause)
Go! Go! Go! Go, Frank!
Oh, good Lord!
Use the slicer, you wimp!
NARRATOR: As Frank meticulously moves from salami to pressed ham,
his teammates offer words of encouragement.
BARNEY: That's enough ham,
Frank! Cut the cheese!
(giggles)
What's the matter, baby face?
You afraid of big, bad deli-slicer, huh?
No.
(whirring)
NARRATOR: Overcoming his fear, Marolla puts his heart
and his fingers on the line.
Marolla's gonna slice!
(gasps)
(whirring)
Yes!
NARRATOR: Facing certain defeat, Maxim resorts
to an age-old Russian tactic-- cheating.
(sneezing)
I knew I'd heard that sneeze before.
(sneezing)
Oh! (gasps)
Hurry, Frank.
He's right behind you!
(sneezing)
(audience groaning and gasping)
(yelling)
(laughter and cheering)
(scattered applause)
BARNEY: So close.
We were so close.
You're the baby-head?
Yeah.
I know you're probably disappointed.
I was hoping if we won, maybe...
You son of a bitch.
What's that for?
That's for not video-chatting with me
when I took off my mask, and for making me feel ugly.
Ugly?
You're beautiful.
I've always wanted to ask you out.
I was just...
The thought of it terrified me.
You're like a deli-slicer with boobs.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
(sighs)
You guys tried real hard, and you showed a lot of heart,
but you managed to suck just enough to lose.
(laughs)
(speaking Russian)
Who do we appreciate?
ALL: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Yeah, well, you can take your crummy cheer
and your stupid trophy and stick 'em where the sun don't shine.
Yeah, and then, you can put 'em up your butts.
NARRATOR: And with that,
Team U.S.A. celebrated like champions,
because this is America, home of the moral victory.
I know you and... Ooh, tempting.
(both laugh)
Mmm.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on The Supermarket Channel,
Tyler Perry's I Ain't Got No Coupon.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com