1 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:20,870 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 2 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:22,990 Thanks, everybody, thank you. 3 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,390 Hello, good evening. 4 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,230 Thank you so much. 5 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:28,710 We're back! 6 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,320 We have returned. 7 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:36,990 We've returned with an all-new series, and it is a cracker. 8 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:42,510 We have got a review of the Mk7 Volkswagen Golf, 9 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:47,110 we've an extended report of the 900cc Dacia Sandero, 10 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,910 James has done that. It's very long. [LAUGHTER] 11 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,030 We've a piece on bicycles, we've something on the stresses 12 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,470 of long-distance lorry driving... [LAUGHTER] 13 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,920 ..and the rest of it sort of looks like this. 14 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,830 They should have called this the Widowmaker! 15 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,710 Come on, little Alfa. 16 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:10,120 We have to beat him. 17 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,280 You want a race? I'll give you a race! 18 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,640 Oh, God. My doves have escaped. 19 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,560 Arrrrrgh! 20 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,520 Just have my heated seat set to the first position. 21 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:36,750 Morning. Sorry. 22 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,030 The town in question is called... 23 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,120 Chernobyl. 24 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,000 Whoa! Ha-ha-ha! 25 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,360 Goooahhh! 26 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,440 'Newsnight now, on BBC TWO...' 27 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:08,160 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 28 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,470 All that is to come. 29 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:17,190 But first, there has been, I'm afraid, a bit of a row in the office. 30 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:21,590 You see, we think that the current crop of hot hatchbacks are very good, 31 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:25,590 however, we say they're not as good as the hot hatchbacks 32 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,750 you could buy in the '80s or the '90s. 33 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,630 Well, they're not, are they? No, exactly, but our producers, who are very young 34 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,470 and wander around with the top of their underpants 35 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,390 showing at the back of their trousers, 36 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,110 say that we are talking nonsense. 37 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:41,390 Yeah, so, to sort it all out, they told us to go and buy 38 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,470 three old hot hatches, whilst they would devise 39 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,870 a series of humiliating challenges. 40 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,520 Hmm! Hmm! LAUGHTER 41 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,190 The meeting point was a car park in Droitwich, 42 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,240 and I was the first to arrive. 43 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,550 This is a Volkswagen Golf GTI - 44 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:10,120 the standard-bearer, the benchmark, the daddy... 45 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:16,190 And think about it - a modern-day GTI would cost you £27,000. 46 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:23,030 This was just 800 quid. I mean, 800 quid! For a Golf GTI! 47 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:28,510 It's only done 172,000 miles, and at just 25 years old it's... HORN HONKS 48 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,040 Oh, there's James! 49 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,430 Oh, God. That was a handbrake turn, right there, ladies and gentlemen. 50 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,470 Yo! 51 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:41,830 XR2! 52 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,550 XR2i, 16 valve. 53 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:45,790 16 valve? Oh, yes. 54 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:49,510 See, I've gone for the coveted Mk2 eight-valve model. 55 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,390 Eight valve? Eight valve. 56 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,430 What? [JAMES LAUGHS] 57 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,870 Oh, the comedy stickers. 58 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,190 The thing is, James, what you have to remember is, 59 00:03:58,240 --> 00:03:59,710 you know when you look at a car, 60 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,550 how has it been treated? Who's owned it? 61 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,390 I looked at these stickers, 62 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,470 the non-standard alloy wheels, 63 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,310 and I suspect this has been slammed. 64 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,150 It does look like it's been slammed. It's been lowered. 65 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,670 So you add those things together, 66 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,710 and I've deduced it was probably owned by...a parish priest? 67 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,710 June Whitfield, probably. It's funny you should say that, 68 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:23,030 because I employ a similar tactic when I'm buying a car, so I looked 69 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,190 at things like - it has very high-specification after-market 70 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,670 brake pads. Has it? Which means it was somebody 71 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,390 interested in safety, not speed. Yes. And also, 72 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,150 they've done things like left the jacking point exposed, 73 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,030 so you spend less time exposed to danger if you have to change 74 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,590 your wheel on the hard shoulder. Exactly. 75 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,830 800 quid. 750 quid. 76 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,280 You see, we've been clever, we have been wise. 77 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,870 Sadly, our discussion was curtailed, 78 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,560 because Hammond then arrived. 79 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,390 And he hadn't been wise at all. 80 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,750 [JEREMY LAUGHS] 81 00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,590 Is that...? 82 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,950 No. No. No. 83 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:08,150 Nova SRi. No. This is fun, isn't it? I'm loving my day so far. 84 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,830 Let me talk you through it - 1.4-litre multi-point fuel injection, 85 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,830 82 brake horsepower. Uh-huh. 86 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,710 This is light, and nippy and quick. 87 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,350 This was the clever choice in its day. Was it? Yeah. It was. 88 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:23,630 Hammond... I love... Hammond, Hammond, Hammond, Hammond. 89 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:28,670 Yeah? This has spent more time on its roof than it has on its wheels. 90 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,230 All Novas are driven by yobbos who turn them over. 91 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:35,310 I must admit... Because it's not just this door that doesn't match. 92 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,430 That one was white. 93 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,150 I don't think there's a ditch in Essex that this hasn't visited. 94 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,710 But it's still working. These are very desirable. Are they? 95 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,080 How much was it? 700 quid. 96 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:50,110 Not that anyone ever actually had to buy a Vauxhall Nova - 97 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,590 it was much easier to steal one. 98 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,950 Nobody's to watch this if you're a car thief. Don't watch this. 99 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,950 You have the keys. I have the keys. 100 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,590 I'm going to remove the hazard warning light switch, OK? 101 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,520 Yep. I'm now going to pop it back in again, upside down. 102 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,430 And lo and behold, the ignition comes on. 103 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,670 Now it's just a question of, um... Bump-start. 104 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:13,950 Go! 105 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,030 [ENGINE STARTS] 106 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,110 And there we are. [HAMMOND LAUGHS] 107 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,680 And I've got the key! 108 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,630 'As I was finishing my demonstration, 109 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,470 'I received a message.' 110 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,630 [MOBILE BLEEPS] 111 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,870 I've got a text. Oh, it's from the producers. Eh? 112 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,710 Yeah, it's the first of the challenges. 113 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,430 What happened to the gold envelope? 114 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,230 He's a teenager. 115 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:36,950 That would mean using a pen. 116 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,510 Oh, he wouldn't have seen one of those. No, he wouldn't. Anyway... 117 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,310 Hang on. I don't know what it says. Because you need your glasses? 118 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,950 Oh, dear. I'm old! 119 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:50,990 It says, "The main reason for buying a hot hatchback is speed. 120 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:55,510 "You will therefore do a performance test at the Shelsley Walsh Hill Climb 121 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:56,960 "in your crocks of ship." 122 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,070 Ship? 123 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,590 Ship. I think there's been some auto-correction. Yes. 124 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,030 Right... Soldier on. 125 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,990 [CAR ALARM WAILS] Oh, bloody hell. 126 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,790 Have you got an alarm? 127 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:12,870 1989? They didn't have alarms, so everybody put after-market alarms 128 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,710 on them, which don't work. Ever. 129 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,950 Oh, shut up! 130 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:20,230 [SECOND CAR ALARM WAILS ALONGSIDE THE FIRST] 131 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,430 I'd like to be laughing about them and their alarms, 132 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,310 but I've just spotted something which is... 133 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,510 Well, everything got stolen in the '80s, 134 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:32,070 so they'd engrave the reg number on the glass, and on the tailgate, 135 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,030 I can't help but notice that this registration number 136 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,670 isn't the same as this registration number, 137 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,350 which means it's not the original tailgate. 138 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,990 I thought that was the only original panel on it. 139 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,000 ALARMS CONTINUE 140 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,440 [SINGLE ALARM CONTINUES] 141 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,320 [JEREMY GROANS] 142 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:55,870 On the drive to the Hill Climb, 143 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,720 we have the chance to get acquainted with our cars. 144 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:04,870 Oh, I love my little Nova. It's all about simplicity, lightness. 145 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,070 This has nothing on it that you don't need. 146 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,590 Door mirrors, manual. Windows, manual. 147 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,950 There isn't even a window winder on the passenger side, 148 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,320 because it's dropped off. How simple and light is that? 149 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,390 Since we're alone, viewers, and it's traditional for me to be honest 150 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:28,390 at this point, I will say that the car feels a little careworn. 151 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,350 The driver's seat smells funny, the fuel gauge doesn't work 152 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,990 all the time, and neither does the temperature gauge. 153 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,990 The radio only comes out of one speaker. 154 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,070 The clutch judders. The wheels wobble. 155 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,670 There are a lot of knocks and rattles. 156 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,240 Amazing, really, because it's only done 23,000 miles. 157 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:52,550 Let me do a systems check and make sure all the equipment is working. 158 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,670 Heated rear window, yep. 159 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,230 Ashtray, yep. 160 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,470 Good, that's that done. 161 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:00,510 Third gear. 162 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,320 CAR GROANS 163 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:08,310 That G-force is nearly tearing my face off! 164 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,590 We were so brave in the '80s. 165 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,110 We were brave and we were strong, because we had no power steering. 166 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,990 We didn't go to a gym - we just went for a drive. 167 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,840 That would build up a sweat. 168 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,390 Many power-steering-less miles later... 169 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,030 God, I stink. 170 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,320 ..we arrived at the terrifying Shelsley Walsh Hill Climb. 171 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:38,430 Germany has the Nurburgring, America has Pikes Peak - we have this. 172 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:43,110 It's more than half a mile long, and at the bottom of this fearsome 173 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,310 ribbon of tarmac, we were given more details of our challenge. 174 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,950 MOBILE BLEEPS 175 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,070 "A modern Seat Ibiza Cupre 176 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,350 "will now go up the Hill Climb course, 177 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,790 "then you must try to beat its time." 178 00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:00,550 Seat Cupre? Yeah. That's fast, is it? 179 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,710 Hang on, who's going to be driving the Seat? 180 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:07,070 It's not the Stig, is it? No. No, it's not the Stig. 181 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,800 It's the Stig's teenage cousin. 182 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,110 Look at the size of it! I know. It's a whale. 183 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,750 Might as well try and drive up there in that barn. 184 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:28,550 With the traditional Hill Climb chock holding the Seat in place, 185 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,590 Teenage Stig was ready for the off. 186 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:32,680 Go! 187 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,560 What a dreary spectacle. 188 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,390 Doesn't have that nimble, light, 189 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,840 tight, frenzied feel of a proper hot hatch. 190 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,840 Ohh... 191 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,800 OVER RADIO: 'The Stig's teenage cousin did it in 40.50.' 192 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:04,360 What, to do 0.6 of a mile? I shall halve it. 193 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:09,750 As the Golf had the most power, we agreed it should go first. 194 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,830 Hold on, I'm just going to shut my window. 195 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,830 [HE IMITATES BUZZING] 196 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,030 There it is. 197 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,960 Three, two, one. 198 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,470 That was all wheel-spin. That's already quicker, look at that. 199 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,230 Double declutch into second. A pheasant! 200 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:29,960 Ooh! That was close. 201 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,510 Yeah! 202 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:38,360 112 of the finest German horsepower hurling me up this hill. 203 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:44,040 60mph as we cross the line. 204 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:48,400 Uhh-uhh! 205 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,710 Next it was James' turn, in the XR2. 206 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:56,360 Three, two, one, go! 207 00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,830 You bastard! 208 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,080 Nice start(!) 209 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:08,240 At speed, the XR2's 20-year-old steering really came into its own. 210 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,310 Oh, God. 211 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,920 He's bought a dog. He has bought an appalling dog. 212 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:20,070 Whoa. 213 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,520 This is terrible. 214 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:28,670 More worryingly, on the way back down, a marshal handed me back 215 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:29,800 some of my car. 216 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,080 That is a bolt, obviously. 217 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,160 But for what? 218 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,550 As I pondered on that, 219 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,360 Jeremy prepared the course for Hammond's Nova. 220 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:58,150 Hammond. I have never seen a man suit a car more than that. 221 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,520 Three, two, one! 222 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,110 Ah-ha-ha! 223 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,230 That's some wheel-spin. 224 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,230 There are some people who look like their dogs. There are one or two 225 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,520 people who look like their cars, and, yeah... Little... Nova drivers. 226 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,360 Everything, now. Come on, unleash the lot. 227 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:22,960 Across the line! 228 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,400 And now, back down! 229 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:28,960 Oh, yeah. 230 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,310 [TYRES SCREECH] 231 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,750 [SMASHING] 232 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,630 [BIRDS' WINGS FLAPPING] 233 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,350 Predictably, Hammond had binned it. 234 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,790 Oh, my God. No! 235 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,400 How the hell did you get it there? 236 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,520 Well, I was coming down here, and... Oh, hang on, it's... 237 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,470 You have righted it. You have righted it. 238 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,510 Look, he's actually beaming because you stuffed your... 239 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,310 Well, you can tell your mates, can't you? In the ditch. 240 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:01,830 And it's a complete roll now. 241 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,630 Cos this was the thing in the '80s - you put your car in a ditch, 242 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:07,350 and you did, and you found it funny. 243 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,550 Do you realise if Constable had lived today, he would have 244 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:14,950 painted that. It would have been called the HEY, WAYNE. 245 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,320 JEREMY LAUGHS Very good. 246 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:23,070 As the marshals recovered the Nova, we were given the results. 247 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:27,200 What was the Stig? 40... 40.5. Right. I was... 248 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,670 ..47.4. 249 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:37,630 May, perhaps not surprisingly, 50.4. 250 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,070 Right. 251 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,790 Hammond... 252 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,750 46.3. 253 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,230 So you were the fastest, and I congratulate you. Thank you. 254 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:51,350 But the point is, we were all slower than the Stig, and yet we weren't. 255 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,270 Mm-hm. Hang on. How do you make that out? 256 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,590 Time moved more slowly in the '80s. 257 00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:02,870 Because when you're 30, a year is a 30th of your life. 258 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,920 When you're 50, it's a 50th of your life. 259 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,520 'By the time Hammond had got this one worked out... 260 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:14,880 '..darkness had fallen.' 261 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:19,590 So what have we learned? Well, obviously we've learned 262 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:24,550 that our cars are much cheaper than their modern-day equivalent, 263 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,550 and in real terms faster. 264 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:31,560 But I think we'd all agree that they are looking a little bit...tired. 265 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:36,550 So we decided to spruce them up at the top-secret 266 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,590 Top Gear Antique Restoration Centre, 267 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,990 on the A451, just outside Kidderminster. 268 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:47,110 Here, cars are wrapped in a special self-adhesive material 269 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,200 to give them a brand-new factory-fresh look. 270 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,070 If you pay somebody else to respray your car... 271 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,350 £5,000, £10,000. Easily. 272 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,150 This is less than 1,000. 273 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,160 You know, pull the right bit off there, job done. 274 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,320 With the Renault done, we decided to do our cars ourselves. 275 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,270 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 276 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:21,310 OK, well... We'll see how we get on with that later on. 277 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,590 But now, it's time to do the news. 278 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,910 Now, BMW has made a three-cylinder hybrid. 279 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,230 Would you like to see a photograph? Well, no, not really, no. 280 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,430 Well, that's a rotten bit of luck cos here it is. 281 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,430 Wow, is that it? Yeah, three-cylinder hybrid, right there. 282 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:38,670 It looks quite good. 283 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,910 Is it vaguely reminiscent of the old M1? Remember the supercar they did? 284 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,470 What it is, I'll tell you exactly what it is, that is the future. 285 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,710 It really genuinely is. 286 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,390 It's lightweight construction, petrol engine, 287 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,590 working in tandem with an electric motor. 288 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:53,910 I know that sounds dreary, but think about it, 289 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,550 it's the exact same recipe you get in a McLaren P1, 290 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,750 and that is not dreary at all. 291 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,910 No, and more to the point, you've driven it, it's on the show next week. Yes. 292 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,110 Well, Come on, give us a hint, what's it like? 293 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:10,790 It is genuinely unbelievable. The speed simply is mind-blowing. 294 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,990 How fast? Beyond... 295 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:17,470 You can't keep up with just how fast it goes, that P1, 296 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,430 and because of the P1, 297 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,790 it means normal people can now drive a hybrid. 298 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:27,430 You don't have to wear nuclear-free peace sandals, 299 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,470 you can be like normal people here and have a hybrid. 300 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,030 That's why I think that is going to be brilliant. 301 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:37,030 The thing is, it will go like a 911, cost about the same, 302 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,230 but you don't have to be a moron to drive one. 303 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,750 Child! You child! Like James and Richard both have 911s. 304 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,550 Really? We're back at work, aren't we? 305 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,350 We are back in the playground, yeah. 306 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,750 I'd like to talk about things I'm sorry I missed 307 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,230 while we've been off air. 308 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:58,150 Plans are being drawn up, right, to fine the owner of a car, 309 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,670 if a passenger throws litter out of the window. 310 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,270 Fine him? The owner... 311 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,510 Oh, throw him to the dogs. Well, no... 312 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,030 Use the Kim Jong-un technique on people who litter. 313 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,870 No, I know what you mean, cos littering is the most moronic crime. 314 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,190 It's pitiful, however, thanks to this there is now an excuse for it. 315 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,550 An excuse for littering? Yeah. What? 316 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,630 Think about it, James, mate... Yes? 317 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,750 ..can I have a lift home tonight in your car? 318 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,750 [JEREMY LAUGHS] 319 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:28,310 Just me and, like, my favourite bin bag full of empty crisp packets. 320 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:32,950 I was once riding my motorcycle past a line of stationary cars 321 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:37,750 and I was hit in the face by half a ready meal that had been thrown out of a window... 322 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,230 I mean, still hot. That was me! 323 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,790 Was it? Yeah, and it wasn't a ready meal! 324 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,110 No. LAUGHTER 325 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,280 It was an adult nappy! 326 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:53,150 Anyway, we've had the Formula One testing all last week, 327 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,470 as I'm sure you know. 328 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,230 Important this year, the testing, cos there's so many new rules. 329 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:02,030 The cars have to have 1.6 litre engines, narrower wings 330 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,630 and sex aids on the front. 331 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:07,910 Don't be stupid, they don't have to... They do! 332 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,630 Hello? Have a look at this at Caterham. 333 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,390 That's a sex aid on the front! Oh, no! What are they...? 334 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,150 We've got a close-up on the Toro Rosso. 335 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,920 Oh, God! You wouldn't want to be rear-ended by that, would you? 336 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,270 Cos if you think of it, you get in the car, 337 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,230 strap yourself in and there it is. 338 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,070 It is a strap-on, basically. 339 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,790 Formula "strap" One! Formula "strap" One! 340 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,030 Formula "strap" One is what it is! 341 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,870 Right, here's a scenario. You're racing towards the finish line, 342 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,990 neck and neck, you want to cross the line first. 343 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,070 It's good if you could extend the front a bit... Yeah. 344 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:40,590 ..and maybe if you were, I don't know, let's say, 345 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,910 having trouble extending the bit at the front, 346 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,750 they could have a little blue triangular button on the steering wheel that you could press. 347 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,030 V Power! Yes! 348 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,630 There it is! For about an hour and a half...it's longer! 349 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:52,950 I'm just saying. 350 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,270 You don't get coverage like that in Autosport magazine. Oh, yeah. 351 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,790 Now, are you always late for your game of golf? 352 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:05,950 Are you sick of being the last to the lodge? Well, it's good news! 353 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,750 [CHEERING] Is it another Dacia? 354 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,710 It's not a Dacia... [LAUGHTER] 355 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,150 There is a new 450-brake horsepower Lexus called the RCF. 356 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,880 Here it is, what do you think? 357 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,590 I hate to have to say this, James, but I actually quite like it. 358 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,110 I'm glad, cos I quite like it as well. 359 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:28,510 Oh, God, I'm going to catch golf from you two! Ugh! 360 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,750 I'm going to turn up next week like that. Hang on a minute, though. 361 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:36,070 This is the second Lexus you've liked. It is, you're a Lexus fan. 362 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,390 There you go. 363 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,510 And then, I'm going to join the police as a constable 364 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,470 and become a chief inspector within a week 365 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,710 with me trouser leg rolled up and one of those. 366 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,640 Oh, it was the Masons! I thought that was a sexual thing! 367 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,910 Ooh, I tell you what I was driving the other day, 368 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,310 the new Mercedes S-Class which is available 369 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:56,030 with a thermal imaging camera, OK, 370 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,750 which sends a feed from the front of the car onto the dashboard, 371 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,630 so you can see what's ahead at night, 372 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:05,190 beyond the range of your headlights. We've got some footage of it here. 373 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,710 So as you're driving along, 374 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,550 the camera can see animals, there you go, 375 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,630 and it picks them out in red, or people. 376 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,710 As it's going along there is an animal, you see? 377 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,990 That's clever. A bit of a gimmick, though, isn't it? You wouldn't rely on it. 378 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,510 You say that, James, but I was coming back to my flat in London 379 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,670 the other night, it was quite late, in the S-Class with that turned on. 380 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:26,430 As I was going up, it picked out a red box in some bushes, 381 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,190 just outside my front door. 382 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,070 I drove up, I thought, 383 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:32,350 "What on earth is that at this time of the morning?" 384 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,310 Drove up, when the headlines got there, paparazzi photographer. 385 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:40,070 So it can find paps hiding in the dark? Yeah, but there's a problem. 386 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,110 Because when I tried to run him down... [LAUGHTER] 387 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:47,150 As you get near, it automatically applies the brakes. 388 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:51,270 What's the point of targeting somebody, if you can't hit them? 389 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,430 They haven't thought that through. 390 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,150 Back to the drawing board with that, please, Mercedes. 391 00:21:56,200 --> 00:22:01,510 Now, obviously the biggest news while we were off air 392 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:05,310 was the tragic accident that Michael Schumacher had. 393 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,350 I don't know if any of his family are watching, but I'm sure everybody 394 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:12,870 here would join with us to wish him a full and speedy recovery. 395 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:16,240 Absolutely. [APPLAUSE] 396 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,440 Come on, old fella, pull through. Yeah. 397 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:23,990 Now... 398 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:28,990 Tonight we are attempting to prove to our teenage producers that the 399 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:33,550 hot hatches of our youth were better than the hot hatches of today. 400 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:37,270 Yes, and when we left the action we were at the Top Gear Restoration 401 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:42,360 Technical Centre, where we decided to wrap our cars ourselves. 402 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:47,200 Because Hammond's car was the smallest, he finished first. 403 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:53,030 The results of my labours. Urban camo. 404 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,790 Or it might be Arctic urban camo. 405 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,550 Yeah, there's a rough edge here and there, but for a first attempt 406 00:22:58,600 --> 00:22:59,790 I think it's pretty crisp... 407 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,560 Behold the genius! What? 408 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:06,030 Hello. Mate, it's... 409 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,400 [HAMMOND LAUGHS] 410 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:17,550 I haven't seen it in the light, it's terrible! How brilliant is this? 411 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:21,590 What you're looking at here is velvet. Why didn't you DRIVE it out? 412 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:27,670 Because I suspect James May, as a cruel joke, has hidden my keys. 413 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:32,230 Actually, no. I suspect you've effectively hidden your keys 414 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,510 because I suspect that's them there, look. 415 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:37,030 You left them on the roof. 416 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,030 And while I'm here, isn't there a sunroof on this car? 417 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,990 Yes, here. Well, you can't open it, or this door. 418 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,390 Or in fact, this door. Burglar-proof. 419 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,520 As Jeremy retrieved his keys, James appeared. 420 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,800 He hasn't got the idea of wrapping, has he? No. 421 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,110 Come on! It's a bit annual, mate. 422 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,350 That's exactly it. It's seasonal. It is unequivocal, is what it is. 423 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,070 If you park that by the side of the road, 424 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,270 and say to anyone, "What's happened to that car?" 425 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,510 and they will say it, "Oh, it's been wrapped." 426 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,270 Hang on, a text. 427 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:14,230 "Dear grandad..." Ooh! Really? Thank you. 428 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,350 "Because 1980s hot hatchbacks were so easy to steal, 429 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:22,270 "they were mostly used for doing handbrake turns on housing estates 430 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:24,150 "and ram raiding Woolworths. 431 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,390 "So, to see which one of your ridiculous cars..." Superb cars. 432 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,120 "..is best, you will have a game of Supermarket Sweep." 433 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:36,790 The rules were simple. 434 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:41,030 The producers had laid out a course around the aisles of a supermarket 435 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:46,200 and we had to see which of our cars could get around it the fastest. 436 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,070 Right, James, you are going first. 437 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,470 Just so you know, there is a second added to your time for every 438 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,830 £1 of damage that you do out there. 439 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,950 Right. OK? OK. 440 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,670 This is going to be like living in the 1980s. 441 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,840 [ENGINE REVS] 442 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,160 Three, two, one, go! 443 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,990 Obviously, I am the intelligent one here 444 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:17,400 and the point of this is to not hit anything, not to go around quickly. 445 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,160 He's neat. Isn't he? 446 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:26,790 A second is more easily saved by not breaking something 447 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,270 than by driving into things. 448 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:30,880 Through the chicane... 449 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,080 Missing that, missing that, missing everything. 450 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:40,360 Oh, his wheel got jammed up with... spam! Spam! 451 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,560 Briskly around there... 452 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,480 And through to the finish. 453 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:54,200 How did I do? One minute and two, but you did hit things, James. 454 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,750 After the value of the smashed custard creams 455 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,910 and the splattered Spam had been totted up, 456 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,310 I took my place on the start line. 457 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:07,440 [CAR ALARM BLARES] 458 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:10,880 Good. 459 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:16,680 Yes! Three, two, one, go! 460 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:19,920 That's a vigorous start. 461 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:22,800 Here we go! 462 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:25,920 And into the turn. 463 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:32,110 It's a bad crash! Oh, no! 464 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,710 That's a couple of seconds off there. Yeah, I'd say so. 465 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,390 Things have gone literally... 466 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,080 I've hit the luxury toiletries! 467 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:44,910 And some bread. 468 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,040 Yes, I've just hit some... Oh. 469 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:54,160 Oh, no! I've got Rich Tea biscuits, literally everywhere. 470 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,430 Oh, God above. 471 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:02,830 Well, it is a quick time now, but it possibly won't be 472 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,360 once we've added on... the destruction! 473 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:11,960 I've gone again. 474 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,280 In the plums! 475 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:18,240 He's on the finishing straight. 476 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:21,840 And...across the line! 477 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:29,710 It took a very long time to work out Jeremy's score. 478 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:33,280 But eventually, it was my go. 479 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:35,630 Let's do this. 480 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,230 What do you think he's going to do? Your style, or my style? 481 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:41,190 Well, if he's got any sense he'll do mine, 482 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,670 but he hasn't got any sense cos he's Hammond, so... 483 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,640 Go! Come on, little Nova, here we go. 484 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,600 Oh, dear. Oh, that's... 485 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,160 Gee, that was enormous! 486 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,360 [ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SQUEAL] 487 00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:04,480 What manner of thing did he do? 488 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:11,240 Run away! 489 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:18,520 Here he comes. 490 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,400 And across the line! 491 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:29,000 Well, that's predictable. Oh, 1:04. 492 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,590 That completed the supermarket challenge. 493 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,910 All we had to do now was help Hammond right his car. 494 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,720 ..Three... Maybe another one? 495 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:46,040 Come on! 496 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:49,720 [ALL GRUNT] 497 00:28:56,080 --> 00:29:00,550 The next morning, as we set off to Wales for our next challenge, 498 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,160 all was not well in our convoy. 499 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:10,390 A packet of Coco Pops had severed the fuel line in Hammond's Nova. 500 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:15,070 And one of the many crashes had damaged Jeremy's Golf. 501 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,990 Oh, God, no, this steering... 502 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,720 There's something catastrophically wrong. Look at it! 503 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:26,760 I can't... Oh! Um, gentlemen, I may have to stop. 504 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,510 A couple of miles further on, 505 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,560 I found an empty airfield where I could do some repairs. 506 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:38,350 Yes, the handling characteristics were affected by a small accident 507 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,630 last night with some beef stew. 508 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:44,270 Oh, dear. I hit the bottom of the wheel and it's gone in. But you can solve it. 509 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:48,310 Yes, I've seen that done. Most F1 teams do something similar(!) 510 00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:50,190 Is your car working yet, Hammond? 511 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:53,270 I've got to put a new fuel pipe on, it'll take me a second. 512 00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:56,110 I've got one more jubilee clip to do and it'll be done. [MOBILE BLEEPS] 513 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:59,230 What? Text, which could mean it is from the producers. 514 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:04,230 Ah, the results of Supermarket Sweep are in. Oh, brilliant. 515 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:08,950 James - one minute and five seconds. Three quid's worth of damage? 516 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,910 Three seconds added, three quid's worth of damaged produce. 517 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,110 Richard. Yes? 518 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:19,110 Two minutes and 12 seconds. That's 60-something quid's worth. 519 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:23,190 You got a minute and eight seconds, yeah, you got £68 worth of damage. 520 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,310 Jeremy Clarkson. Yes? 521 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,190 28 minutes and six seconds. 522 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,720 Don't be stupid! Oh, you didn't quite make the half hour! 523 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:37,910 It's rubbish, anyway, because in the '80s I did not ram raid shops. 524 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:41,470 I had much better things to do with my cars. What? 525 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:46,030 I can't tell you now. Why not? The producers. 526 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,470 What? What I'm going to do, Hammond, you can't do in front of 527 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:51,750 BBC health and safety people. 528 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:55,750 Eventually the producers went to get something to eat 529 00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:59,910 and with the cars mended, I began my demonstration. 530 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,990 Right, this is called Lap Of Your Own Car. 531 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,830 I'm going to climb out of the window, over the roof, 532 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:07,590 through the passenger window 533 00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:11,670 and back behind the wheel before the car stops. 534 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:13,950 But you're the driver. Yes. 535 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,830 Right! Are we ready? I'm going to pop it into neutral. Here we go. 536 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:20,670 Oh, my God. I think this is what George Michael was trying to do. 537 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:25,870 Small steering input. I've got it. Oh, my God. It doesn't really steer. 538 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,830 I'm out! He is out of the car. 539 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,430 I'm actually on the roof of a moving vehicle. 540 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,830 I am doing a lap now. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. 541 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:35,950 Here he is, coming in. 542 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:39,110 Tell you what, velvet's good, you get better traction. 543 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:41,030 [RICHARD LAUGHS] 544 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:45,080 Genuinely staggered. It worked! Yes! 545 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:50,440 This success sent us on a journey down memory lane. 546 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:58,390 Yeah! Two silver trays underneath the rear wheels, handbrake on, 547 00:31:58,440 --> 00:31:59,960 the best game in the world. 548 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,030 Musical chairs, let it begin. 549 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:06,720 Right, you're now steering. 550 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,350 I'm in the driver's seat! Your hair! 551 00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,350 Get off! 552 00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:15,670 Your bottom is touching my sausage! 553 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,710 May, go back. Go, go, go! 554 00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:22,120 [THEY SCREAM] 555 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:27,190 The '80s were brilliant. 556 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,910 They were better. Just much better. Music was better. 557 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,430 Everything was better. Oh, yeah. 558 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:36,110 We then rounded off our Don't Try This At Home nostalgia trip 559 00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:38,030 with a traditional drag race. 560 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,840 Three, two, one, go! 561 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:49,310 The mighty Golf GTi. Come on, Nova. Come on, come on! 562 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,680 No, he's getting away! 563 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:54,750 [ENGINE GROANS] 564 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:56,960 What's... Oh! 565 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:01,590 A total victory. 566 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:03,590 What's happened to Hammond? 567 00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:06,470 What had happened to Hammond was not good. 568 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,910 Still there. Perhaps it's not used to being the right way up. 569 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:12,400 [ENGINE STRUGGLES] 570 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,670 It's fine. It's fine. 571 00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:21,360 ENGINE GRINDS Oh, that's good as well. Fine. 572 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:28,190 You've knackered that. You've totalled your Nova. 573 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:29,910 It's fine. 574 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,320 [APPLAUSE] 575 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,390 Hammond... No, what?! Hammond... 576 00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:39,590 Would you like to tell the ladies and gentlemen 577 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:41,390 what happened to your Nova? 578 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:43,790 It just blew up. Did it? Boom! 579 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:47,550 Or did you change into first rather than third? 580 00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:49,230 Well, I did do that a bit. Exactly. 581 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:53,950 Never mind that, because the producers are very cross with us 582 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,150 about our little trip down memory lane. 583 00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,950 They say that it might make young people copy us. 584 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,550 I don't see why, it's not like they've ever copied anything else we do, is it? 585 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:06,630 No, you never hear kids in the barber's say, "Can I have hair like James May's?" 586 00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:08,670 It was a montage of stuff 587 00:34:08,720 --> 00:34:12,630 that was acceptable in the '80s that isn't acceptable now. 588 00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:14,270 Like wearing white socks. Exactly. 589 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:18,070 Or saying to a female co-worker, "You look nice today." 590 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:21,190 Exactly. You can't do that any more. 591 00:34:21,240 --> 00:34:25,230 Anyway, we must move on, because I want to talk about 592 00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,870 one of the most evocative words in motoring. 593 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:32,190 Bonneville. Team it with "Triumph", it's a legendary motorcycle. 594 00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:37,350 Team it with "salt flats", it's a shrine to the pursuit of speed. 595 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,750 Team it with "Hugh" and it's... neither of those things. 596 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:44,790 But it is tonight's Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. 597 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:50,470 From Downton Abbey, his favourite TV show, Hugh Bonneville! 598 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:52,830 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 599 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:55,790 Hello! How are you? 600 00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:58,190 He's here! 601 00:34:58,240 --> 00:35:01,040 He's here. Have a seat. Thank you. 602 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:06,750 Richard Hammond is beside himself with excitement. 603 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,750 Downton, he's obsessed. 604 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,630 I want to begin, if I may, talking about your early life, early cars. 605 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:16,630 Despite your legendary name, it doesn't seem like 606 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:18,990 you come from a family of speed freaks. 607 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:23,790 No, the Bonneville salt flats don't feature in my pedigree. 608 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,870 We were a family of Volvos, when I was growing up. 609 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:32,790 Starting with a 121, a roundy shape, number plate NUV665E. 610 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:35,150 For some reason, I can remember that number plate, 611 00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:36,750 but I can't remember my own now. 612 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,830 That's a weird thing. I was talking to James about this the other day. 613 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,990 We can remember the number plates of our fathers' cars. 614 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:47,350 JWY370J, DW510H on the Cortina 1600E. 615 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,830 FYR495J on the Volvo 124. 616 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:56,630 So you can remember all your dad's Volvos? Yeah, it's tragic, really. 617 00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:59,550 They were 1 Series Volvos, so very early ones. 618 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,710 The weird thing about the first one, the NUV665E, 619 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,910 was that my dad regretted selling it, 620 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:11,070 and he was at a zebra crossing near where we lived in Blackheath 621 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:14,150 and suddenly he spotted it about five years later 622 00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:15,750 and flagged down the driver and said, 623 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:18,590 "If ever you want to sell it, it was the biggest mistake of my life." 624 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:20,150 Later, the bloke got in touch 625 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,630 and it was in the family for the next ten years. 626 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:27,790 On the subject of family, why did you try to bury your sister 627 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,230 when she was still perfectly healthy? 628 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,470 [LAUGHTER] 629 00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:36,430 I can't believe you've asked me that question. That's quite embarrassing. 630 00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:38,670 Well, she'd been quite annoying. 631 00:36:38,720 --> 00:36:42,630 I was about eight and she was 16, I think. 632 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,270 I complained to Mum, 633 00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:48,030 and she was cooking supper and said, "Yes, that must be annoying." 634 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:51,670 I said, "I'm going to kill her, but first I'm going to dig a grave." 635 00:36:51,720 --> 00:36:54,870 And she said, "Yes, dear, dinner will be in half an hour." 636 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:57,750 I got a shovel and I started digging, 637 00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:01,310 I measured it out, six foot long and that wide... 638 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,430 I got about three inches 639 00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:09,510 and the weird thing was, Magpie were filming in our street. 640 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:13,510 They were doing a programme about rag-and-bone men. 641 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:16,510 My mum ran out to say, "We've got an old tin bath," 642 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:20,870 so they said, "Can we film coming round the back of the house?" 643 00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:24,360 to where the tin bath was, and the cameraman fell in the grave! 644 00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:28,230 I hasten to add, I love my sister. 645 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:29,470 Yeah! Tried to kill her. 646 00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:32,270 I once tried to kill my sister when she put a drawing pin 647 00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:33,790 through my space hopper. 648 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:35,720 AUDIENCE: Ooh! Bitch! 649 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:42,600 You heard that, Joanna. Lord Grantham just called you a bitch. 650 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:48,150 Did you have a flirtation with Triumphs as a family? 651 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:50,110 I always coveted my aunt's Triumph Stag, 652 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,910 which was a beautiful car, and the selfish cow sold it 653 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,590 rather than give it to me for free. 654 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,430 A Stag. You'd suit a Stag. A Stag. 655 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:01,150 You don't actually drive a two-seater sports car 656 00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:02,550 from what I understand? 657 00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:07,910 No, I don't. I currently have an XC90, a Volvo XC90. A fine car. 658 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,870 I bought it off a friend ten years ago and it has served us very well. 659 00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:14,310 But going to go to an Audi Q5. 660 00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:17,190 Is that really Snoozeville? 661 00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:18,750 That's like forsaking all food 662 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,510 and saying, "I'm going to live for the rest of my life 663 00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:23,470 "on nothing but wallpaper paste." 664 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:26,510 It's an appalling... Jeremy! What? 665 00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:28,510 Stop talking to him about cars. 666 00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:34,510 Hammond... Never, you're always having a cup of tea. 667 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:37,590 What? Stop talking to him about cars. Why? 668 00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:40,590 Because he's from Downton Abbey. 669 00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:45,000 He's Lord Grantham, over there. I know! He's looking at me! 670 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:54,070 Ask him my question. What question? Who's Lady Mary going to marry? 671 00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:58,950 Which one? Who is Lady Mary going to marry? 672 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,790 I have no idea. I'm sorry, Richard, I don't know. 673 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,070 Of course he knows! He's Lord Grantham! 674 00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:06,350 Hammond, he's not here to talk about Downton, 675 00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,190 you're here to talk about your new film. 676 00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:12,360 Exactly. Go away! Back in your box! Go away! 677 00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:17,830 Anyway, the new film, The Monuments Men, what is it about? 678 00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:21,470 It is based on the true story of these rather unsung heroes 679 00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:26,270 of the Second World War, who were art historians and museum curators 680 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:30,910 who were sent in after D-day, largely, to try and locate the art 681 00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,990 and treasures that the Nazis were spiriting away, 682 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:37,670 and also to persuade the Allies not to blow up that particular church 683 00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:39,190 because there are Germans in it, 684 00:39:39,240 --> 00:39:41,270 because it does contain part of our culture. 685 00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:43,950 Really? And that's a true story? It's based on a true story. 686 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,550 We've got a clip. Ooh! I've not seen anything of it. 687 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,430 Well, you can have a look at yourself on telly. Look, here we go. 688 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:52,910 And finally, we have your sculptor, Sergeant Walter Garfield. 689 00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:56,470 He's a good egg. I worked with him on the World War I memorial in St Louis. 690 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:57,790 A-ha! St Louis... 691 00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:00,870 [GUNFIRE] 692 00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:05,070 How are you, old boy? Hey, Walter, how they treating you? 693 00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:06,790 Taking it pretty easy on us. 694 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,190 I think that they feel sorry for us old guys. 695 00:40:09,240 --> 00:40:12,470 I don't much fancy an obstacle course. It's not so bad. 696 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:14,430 By the end, you're just crawling on your belly 697 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:16,430 while teenagers shoot blanks over your head. 698 00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:18,710 Well, yes and no. How's that? 699 00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:22,200 Yes, they are teenagers. And no? They're not blanks. 700 00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:29,310 Looks like my sort of film. That is my sort of film. 701 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:34,790 Now, George Clooney. He directed it as well, didn't he? 702 00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:39,230 George directed it, he stars in it, he produced it and he co-wrote it. 703 00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:42,950 I've been wondering, looking at what you're doing at the moment, 704 00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:44,950 is how on earth you are fitting it in, 705 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,830 because you're also working on W1A. 706 00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:51,150 Yes, W1A is a spin-off of a show I did called Twenty Twelve. 707 00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:54,510 Which was fabulous. Thank you very much. I properly loved that. 708 00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:58,030 It was a mockumentary about trying to organise the Olympics. 709 00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:01,270 Obviously, my character made such a success of organising the Olympics, 710 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,190 I'm the go-to man to sort out corporate issues. 711 00:41:04,240 --> 00:41:06,990 So what better place than to go into the BBC? 712 00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:08,750 When I heard that this was happening, 713 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:12,190 and I can see all the location signs around the BBC buildings 714 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:14,350 where you are filming it, I was thinking, 715 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:17,670 how do you make fiction about BBC management 716 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:20,160 funnier than what actually happens? 717 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:24,310 Broadcasting House, the new big building on Regent Street, 718 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:26,870 Portland Place, you're not allowed in there 719 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:30,870 even if you're BBC staff unless you've been on a half-hour 720 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:34,470 health and safety course on how to operate the building. 721 00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:35,910 I started the course. 722 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:39,630 A lady with an eight-page document arrived to talk me through it. 723 00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:43,790 Page one was a picture of a fire alarm, red fire alarm box. 724 00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:45,590 It said, "This is a fire alarm." 725 00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:50,590 Page two, a graphic of a green sign with a man running like this 726 00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:53,390 with the word "exit". "That's an emergency exit." 727 00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,430 At that point, I was taken off to do some filming. 728 00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:57,790 I still haven't... You haven't completed the course? 729 00:41:57,840 --> 00:42:00,910 I still haven't. I still have to be escorted around Broadcasting House 730 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,310 in case I'm confused by a light fitting! 731 00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:06,830 Or something of that nature. It is stupid. 732 00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:09,350 I'm longing to see something that satirises it, 733 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:13,550 but again, how are you doing it? You must be the world's busiest man. 734 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,470 Presumably you drove very quickly around the lap, 735 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:19,190 so you could get home more quickly? 736 00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:21,430 No, I'm not a speed merchant. 737 00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:23,870 At the beginning, when The Stig took me around, 738 00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:26,470 I was really terrified, being in the passenger seat, 739 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:28,710 and I thought, "I'll never be able to do this." 740 00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:30,390 By the end, as your guys will tell you, 741 00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:32,750 I refused to get out, I wanted to go again and again. 742 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:34,670 Who here would like to see the lap? 743 00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:36,590 AUDIENCE: Yes! 744 00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:38,520 Play the tape, let's have a look. 745 00:42:41,240 --> 00:42:43,830 The car, fresh after its long rest. 746 00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:45,160 Come on, son! 747 00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:49,750 Look at the lines, streaming down. 748 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:53,830 That is wet, really is pouring down, and that's odd for England(!) 749 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,430 If you're watching abroad, it's never normally like that here. 750 00:42:57,480 --> 00:42:59,470 Where's the white line? Oh, there. 751 00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:00,910 [LAUGHTER] 752 00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:04,230 You may laugh, but it is quite tricky to see the line 753 00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,590 when the track is soaking wet. 754 00:43:06,640 --> 00:43:08,080 It's really steamy. 755 00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:11,280 Hmm? 756 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:18,310 You need to get that sort of thing sorted out before you set off. 757 00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:21,550 Even though the lines are invisible from behind the wheel, 758 00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:24,470 you've done a pretty good job. That's not bad. 759 00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:26,920 Woohoo! Perfectly judged. 760 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:31,800 Must remember to get some milk. 761 00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:35,830 Worse than Kimi Raikkonen for not paying attention, 762 00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:38,000 but no worries through there at all. 763 00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:42,910 Tyres, speedy, moving them about nicely. 764 00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:44,790 Oh, that is quick! 765 00:43:44,840 --> 00:43:47,030 On the wrong side of the road there, but never mind. 766 00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:50,230 It's nicely done, and you haven't gone off on the second to last corner. 767 00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:53,670 Gambon, a bit of understeer. That car grips well. 768 00:43:53,720 --> 00:43:55,390 And there we are. Across the line! 769 00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:58,880 [APPLAUSE] 770 00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:03,600 Now, ha-ha! 771 00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:12,510 Just realised that's the first ever wet lap we've had in that car. 772 00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:15,230 Nobody else has driven around in the rain. 773 00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:18,990 Bearing that in mind, where do you think you've come? 774 00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:24,830 Well, I suspect...between Ron Howard and Steven Tyler, 775 00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:26,350 bearing in mind it's wet. 776 00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:30,870 Somewhere between 1.50 and 1.51 is what you think you've done. 777 00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:32,440 Well, you did it in... 778 00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:44,550 1.50.1. 779 00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:49,110 Which means you're the first guest ever to guess correctly... 780 00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:51,840 Wait, wait, wait! 781 00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:58,510 You just put Steven Tyler... I'll cross it out, wrong. 782 00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:00,920 A very professional show. There, look, correct! 783 00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,350 To be brutally honest with you, The Stig did say 784 00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:06,870 that you have a natural talent 785 00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:10,790 and if it had been dry you would have been very close to the top. 786 00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,030 Well, that's an accolade then. It is. 787 00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:16,790 I'll go away happy, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much, Hugh Bonneville! 788 00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:18,110 Thank you. 789 00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:19,800 [CHEERING] 790 00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:26,950 Right, tonight the boys and girls who produce Top Gear 791 00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,110 are on a mission to prove that the hot hatchbacks of our era 792 00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:33,950 were rubbish. Yeah. Things are not going well for me, 793 00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:36,270 cos I've slightly damaged the engine... Ruined. 794 00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:37,350 [LAUGHTER] 795 00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:40,590 Slightly damaged. Whatever... Damaged the engine in my Nova and it's 796 00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:43,390 on the back of a tow truck. But despite this we had been told 797 00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:46,150 to report to somewhere we couldn't pronounce... 798 00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:47,560 in Wales. 799 00:45:51,240 --> 00:45:55,240 Having crossed the Severn Estuary we soon arrived at the location. 800 00:45:56,520 --> 00:46:01,150 HE STRUGGLES TO PRONOUNCE: Trefniadaeth Seilwaith Amddiffyn 801 00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:04,910 Man Hyfforddi Caerwent. 802 00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:08,390 And here on this huge, abandoned army base crisscrossed 803 00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:12,430 with more than 30 miles of deserted roads, 804 00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:15,870 we received the details of our challenge. 805 00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:18,550 Oh, hello. Why is it an envelope and not a text this time? 806 00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:21,310 That's a good point. We're in Wales - no signal. 807 00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:24,150 Ahh! Yeah! We're back to the old ways. 808 00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:25,710 Come on then, what is it? 809 00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:28,430 "Because the drivers of '80s hatchbacks were irresponsible 810 00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:31,950 "and stupid they were often chased by the 50." 811 00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:36,110 Er, James, it means the 5-0, as in Hawaii 5-0, it's the police. 812 00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:38,070 Yeah, whatever. Well, anyway. The 50! 813 00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:40,550 Anyway... "You will now go head-to-head with 814 00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:43,710 "the Top Gear Police Department. Each of you will take it in turns 815 00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:46,550 "to drive your own car while the other two will use 816 00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:49,270 "a selection of police vehicles to try and stop you." 817 00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:51,630 That sounds quite good. It does sound good. 818 00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:53,910 Tell you what, Hammond, you go first. 819 00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:55,550 Erm, good, yes. 820 00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:57,320 I might need a minute. 821 00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:00,150 While Hammond mended his car, 822 00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:05,630 James and I broke out the TGPD pursuit vehicles 823 00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:09,040 and slipped into our police uniforms. 824 00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:15,390 OK, Hammond, are you ready? 825 00:47:15,440 --> 00:47:20,190 Yes, I am. This is going to be good. In 3, 2, 1... 826 00:47:20,240 --> 00:47:22,030 start the clock. 827 00:47:22,080 --> 00:47:23,800 [ENGINE FAILS TO START] 828 00:47:25,320 --> 00:47:27,630 [STARTS CREAKILY] 829 00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:29,590 We are off. 830 00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:34,190 [CREAKS AND GRINDS] 831 00:47:34,240 --> 00:47:36,790 Yep, it's just warming up. SIREN WAILS 832 00:47:36,840 --> 00:47:38,430 Here we go... 833 00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:42,630 Ha-ha! 834 00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:45,110 Excuse me, sir, my moustache would like a word with you, 835 00:47:45,160 --> 00:47:48,110 if you'd like to step out of the vehicle. You're nicked, sunshine. 836 00:47:48,160 --> 00:47:50,390 What did I do? How long? Eight seconds. 837 00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:52,030 Do you know, another fault... 838 00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:54,470 Did it? Very similar. Did it? 839 00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:58,110 It manifested itself similarly to the last one that one I repaired. 840 00:47:58,160 --> 00:48:02,190 Tell that to the judge... Yes...sunshine. Right. 841 00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:04,070 Jeremy then put on the yobbo outfit 842 00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:07,990 and lined up his velvet Golf on the start line. 843 00:48:08,040 --> 00:48:11,350 3, 2, 1...begin... 844 00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:15,030 [COPS AND ROBBERS MUSIC] 845 00:48:15,080 --> 00:48:16,550 [SIRENS WAIL] 846 00:48:16,600 --> 00:48:19,920 And there we are, eight seconds. I've already beaten Hammond. 847 00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:28,440 He's getting away, constable! 848 00:48:29,720 --> 00:48:31,360 Yes. Live with this...! 849 00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:36,310 You see, what we're learning straight away is that 850 00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:41,840 a modern police Astra is no match for a 1980s hot hatchback. 851 00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:46,040 [TYRES SQUEAL] 852 00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:51,110 And it wasn't just the Astras that were causing problems. 853 00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:53,590 Recent figures say that in London 854 00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:57,550 12 police cars are crashed every day. 855 00:48:57,600 --> 00:49:01,230 And the reason is, it's because they are driving in high-energy 856 00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:05,640 difficult situations while under the influence of the moustache. 857 00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:11,550 Got a moustache, got a moustache, got a moustache. 858 00:49:11,600 --> 00:49:14,160 [TYRES SQUEAL] 859 00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:18,560 Oh, he's lost it! 860 00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:23,360 Totally distracted by his face decoration. 861 00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:29,430 [MUSIC: "Miami Vice Theme" by Jan Hammer] 862 00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:31,910 With the Astras unable to close the gap... 863 00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:33,400 Come on! 864 00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:36,160 ..the chase went on... 865 00:49:37,520 --> 00:49:39,270 ..and on... 866 00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:40,960 and on... 867 00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,230 [MUSIC CONTINUES] 868 00:49:48,280 --> 00:49:52,510 The next morning, the weather had become extremely Welsh. 869 00:49:52,560 --> 00:49:54,840 But still, the Golf was uncaught. 870 00:49:56,000 --> 00:49:57,830 This isn't working, sir. 871 00:49:57,880 --> 00:50:00,270 No, I agree, I think we're going to have to break out 872 00:50:00,320 --> 00:50:02,960 the Top Gear Police Department magnetron of justice. 873 00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:08,160 If anything could stop the miscreant, it was this. 874 00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:14,400 A giant crane with a seven-kilowatt magnet suspended from its arm. 875 00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:20,920 A machine that could render any vehicle immobile in moments. 876 00:50:25,520 --> 00:50:27,160 Right, let's go get him. 877 00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:30,720 Soon, the trap was set. 878 00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:35,830 Mmm, what's this...? 879 00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:38,190 Arming magnet. 880 00:50:38,240 --> 00:50:40,800 [MAGNET FIZZING] 881 00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:51,520 Here he comes... 882 00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:55,120 [RICHARD CHUCKLES] 883 00:51:02,720 --> 00:51:06,430 Blithering idiots. Do they not realise you can't use a magnet 884 00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:08,160 to pick up velvet? 885 00:51:09,960 --> 00:51:11,990 There was only one thing for it - 886 00:51:12,040 --> 00:51:15,960 unleash the TGPD remote-controlled car of death. 887 00:51:17,320 --> 00:51:19,960 Target vehicle identified and located. 888 00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:23,440 Where the hell are they? 889 00:51:24,520 --> 00:51:29,070 How can this be a police chase when they aren't chasing me any more? 890 00:51:29,120 --> 00:51:30,790 Target acquired... 891 00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:32,960 [BEEPING] 892 00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:39,550 Sir, you might want to put your fingers in your ears. 893 00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:42,710 I don't know where those two are or what they're plotting 894 00:51:42,760 --> 00:51:44,990 but it won't work. 895 00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:47,310 [BEEPING] 896 00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:50,310 This car is simply... 897 00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:51,400 invincib... 898 00:52:05,120 --> 00:52:07,110 Bigger than I was expecting, constable. 899 00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:08,680 Yes, sir, it was, sir. 900 00:52:13,240 --> 00:52:18,030 So, it turns out that velvet is impervious to magnets, 901 00:52:18,080 --> 00:52:20,760 but it IS pervious to dynamite. 902 00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:25,950 Nevertheless, I felt confident that James would not be able 903 00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:31,150 to beat my evasion time of 14 hours and 22 minutes. 904 00:52:31,200 --> 00:52:34,710 In...3, 2, 1... 905 00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:36,320 start the clock. 906 00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:39,550 [SIRENS WAIL] 907 00:52:39,600 --> 00:52:42,990 However, as he set off it became clear he'd come up 908 00:52:43,040 --> 00:52:44,640 with an unusual plan... 909 00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:47,880 What is he doing? 910 00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:54,390 Now, the thing is, viewers, whenever you watch Police Camera Action 911 00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:57,190 or see a real police chase, the person trying to get away is always 912 00:52:57,240 --> 00:52:59,790 going ludicrously fast, but, actually, what's the point? 913 00:52:59,840 --> 00:53:02,670 You'd just panic and have an accident 914 00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,510 and that's the end of that, 915 00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:06,830 but if you just do normal speed, 916 00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:09,000 they still can't get you out of the car, can they? 917 00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:14,110 Keen to prove him wrong, 918 00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:17,510 I initiated the TGPD anti-terrorism move. 919 00:53:17,560 --> 00:53:19,120 Here we go. 920 00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:22,640 Pushing, pushing. 921 00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:26,640 Got him. 922 00:53:32,680 --> 00:53:34,400 He's just driven off! 923 00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:39,710 'As the hours crawled by, we tried many things.' 924 00:53:39,760 --> 00:53:41,680 Stop him, Constable! 925 00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:43,750 How's that going to help? 926 00:53:43,800 --> 00:53:45,270 I've fallen off the bonnet! 927 00:53:45,320 --> 00:53:47,990 What are you going to do if the doors are locked? 928 00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:49,880 You can't pull a man out of a car. 929 00:53:54,200 --> 00:53:55,560 This is an arrest. 930 00:53:58,680 --> 00:54:02,830 'Happily, though, after many hours of tedious pursuit...' 931 00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:06,190 Weaving, weaving... 932 00:54:06,240 --> 00:54:11,950 '..James finally made a mistake.' Oh, crikey, this is a dead end. 933 00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:16,030 Yes, his sense of direction has let him down. A-ha! 934 00:54:16,080 --> 00:54:17,910 In we go, yes. 935 00:54:17,960 --> 00:54:20,150 [LOUD BANG] Bollocks! 936 00:54:20,200 --> 00:54:22,560 We've got him! We finally have him. 937 00:54:23,720 --> 00:54:26,360 We don't have him, he's closed my door. 938 00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:31,910 He's done it again. 939 00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:36,190 And now look. I've damaged a police car. 940 00:54:36,240 --> 00:54:40,910 'This meant I was now delayed with police paperwork.' 941 00:54:40,960 --> 00:54:46,110 "I were in pursuit of a pleb... 942 00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:49,750 "IC1, male. 943 00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:56,320 "He did crash into me at speed." 944 00:54:57,440 --> 00:54:59,760 I'm going to get that bastard! 945 00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:10,110 While Jeremy had been finessing his statement, I decided 946 00:55:10,160 --> 00:55:16,750 it was time to skewer May with the TGPD prongs of doom. 947 00:55:16,800 --> 00:55:18,760 [SIREN BLARES] 948 00:55:23,160 --> 00:55:27,270 It's a heavy, high-mobility engineer excavator, 949 00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:29,920 built by JCB for the military. 950 00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:38,350 It weighs 13.5 tonnes, but it's got a 6.7 litre straight-six turbo-diesel 951 00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:40,680 and it can do 63mph. 952 00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:45,150 James May, you've had it! 953 00:55:45,200 --> 00:55:47,160 Wherever you are. 954 00:55:49,440 --> 00:55:55,040 'James had vanished. But we had just the thing to find him again.' 955 00:55:56,920 --> 00:56:03,560 The time has come, I think, to deploy the Top Gear Police Department drone of intrusiveness. 956 00:56:05,560 --> 00:56:13,270 'With its military-spec nose-mounted reconnaissance camera, it would track down May in a heartbeat.' 957 00:56:13,320 --> 00:56:14,880 Here we go. 958 00:56:18,480 --> 00:56:21,680 The drone of intrusiveness has crashed. 959 00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:29,280 'Eventually I got the drone airborne and begun the hunt for OJ May.' 960 00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:40,270 Wait a minute. 961 00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:43,080 You sneaky little... 962 00:56:44,640 --> 00:56:48,030 James was hiding in an abandoned garage bay, 963 00:56:48,080 --> 00:56:50,750 but if he thought he was safe there, 964 00:56:50,800 --> 00:56:53,120 he had another think coming. 965 00:56:57,480 --> 00:57:00,470 Welcome, everyone, to the Top Gear Police Department 966 00:57:00,520 --> 00:57:02,800 eaty thing of devastation. 967 00:57:05,040 --> 00:57:08,190 This was designed primarily for mine clearance, but in the TGPD, 968 00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:14,040 we use it in a rather different way. 969 00:57:17,960 --> 00:57:20,350 There is Constable Hammond. 970 00:57:20,400 --> 00:57:24,840 The enemy, behind that wall, no idea what is coming. 971 00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:31,470 Engaging flails! 972 00:57:31,520 --> 00:57:34,360 Flails engaged! 973 00:57:36,840 --> 00:57:40,840 I'm not sure he should be operating that thing. 974 00:57:45,520 --> 00:57:48,080 [DRILLING] 975 00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:53,080 Yes, look at that! 976 00:58:14,120 --> 00:58:16,230 He's not where... 977 00:58:16,280 --> 00:58:18,880 What he isn't, sir, is there. 978 00:58:22,080 --> 00:58:24,470 Situation update: in three minutes' time, 979 00:58:24,520 --> 00:58:29,320 I will have beaten Jeremy's record on the run at a reasonable speed. 980 00:58:30,520 --> 00:58:33,600 But the TGPD toy box wasn't empty yet. 981 00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:40,840 Whoa! Ha-ha-ha! 982 00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:49,710 Hello, it looks like Constable Hammond 983 00:58:49,760 --> 00:58:52,350 has got the hang of tank driving. 984 00:58:52,400 --> 00:58:55,480 The first thing you need to know is, I have an erection! 985 00:58:58,040 --> 00:59:00,470 Coming at you, James May! 986 00:59:00,520 --> 00:59:04,950 Oh, no, the Top Gear Police Department tank of righteousness is right on my tail. 987 00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:06,950 What am I going to do? 988 00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:09,160 I know. 989 00:59:12,840 --> 00:59:15,270 Easy. 990 00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:16,840 Right! 991 00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:21,640 Oh, hang on a minute. 992 00:59:23,640 --> 00:59:26,190 He's stopped, he's given up! 993 00:59:26,240 --> 00:59:27,760 [LOUD EXPLOSION] 994 00:59:46,360 --> 00:59:50,480 And on that bombshell... back to the studio. 995 00:59:52,720 --> 00:59:54,760 APPLAUSE 996 00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:04,350 It's interesting, an important question was raised in that film. 997 01:00:04,400 --> 01:00:08,590 Because if you have a moustache, how do you concentrate 998 01:00:08,640 --> 01:00:11,110 on doing anything other than having a moustache? 999 01:00:11,160 --> 01:00:14,790 I know, I felt like I was the life-support machine for a moustache. 1000 01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:18,590 If you're a bomb disposal man, and you have to defuse a bomb, 1001 01:00:18,640 --> 01:00:21,190 you are thinking, "I have a moustache." 1002 01:00:21,240 --> 01:00:26,470 How did Nigel Mansell win a Formula One world championship? I know! 1003 01:00:26,520 --> 01:00:28,470 You don't have a moustache, sir, 1004 01:00:28,520 --> 01:00:31,270 but let me show you what it's like to have one. 1005 01:00:31,320 --> 01:00:35,870 It's like that. What do you do for a living? Transport manager. 1006 01:00:35,920 --> 01:00:38,750 You couldn't be a transport manager if I was doing that to you. 1007 01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:40,400 [LAUGHTER] 1008 01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:47,750 Anyway, we must get on because I have received a text - 1009 01:00:47,800 --> 01:00:51,230 the results of the car evasion challenge. 1010 01:00:51,280 --> 01:00:55,430 Jeremy Clarkson, 14 hours 22 minutes. Richard Hammock... 1011 01:00:55,480 --> 01:00:57,190 Autocorrect again? 1012 01:00:57,240 --> 01:00:59,830 Yes. Eight seconds. Thank you. 1013 01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:03,590 James May, 14 hours, 21 minutes. 1014 01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:06,070 Oh, blast! There you are. 1015 01:01:06,120 --> 01:01:08,870 Hang on, so the Fiesta won the supermarket sweep, 1016 01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:10,950 the Golf won the police chase 1017 01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:13,070 and the Nova won the hill climb. 1018 01:01:13,120 --> 01:01:16,790 That means that each of the cars is a winner. Precisely. 1019 01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:19,710 Which means that the older hot hatchback 1020 01:01:19,760 --> 01:01:21,870 is better than the modern one. 1021 01:01:21,920 --> 01:01:26,630 Which means we were right, and on that bombshell, it's time to end. 1022 01:01:26,680 --> 01:01:29,430 Thank you very much for watching. Good night! 1023 01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:31,120 [APPLAUSE]