1 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,670 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,790 Thanks, everybody, thank you. 3 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,190 Hello, good evening. 4 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,030 Thank you so much. 5 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:28,510 We're back! 6 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,120 We have returned. 7 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:36,790 We've returned with an all-new series, and it is a cracker. 8 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:42,310 We have got a review of the Mk7 Volkswagen Golf, 9 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:46,910 we've an extended report of the 900cc Dacia Sandero, 10 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,710 James has done that. It's very long. LAUGHTER 11 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,830 We've a piece on bicycles, we've something on the stresses 12 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,270 of long-distance lorry driving... LAUGHTER 13 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,720 ..and the rest of it sort of looks like this. 14 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:06,630 They should have called this the Widowmaker! 15 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:08,510 Come on, little Alfa. 16 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,920 We have to beat him. 17 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,080 You want a race? I'll give you a race! 18 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,440 Oh, God. My doves have escaped. 19 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,360 Arrrrrgh! 20 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,320 Just have my heated seat set to the first position. 21 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,550 Morning. Sorry. 22 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,830 The town in question is called... 23 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:39,920 Chernobyl. 24 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,800 Whoa! Ha-ha-ha! 25 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,160 Goooahhh! 26 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,240 'Newsnight now, on BBC TWO...' 27 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 28 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:13,270 All that is to come. 29 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,990 But first, there has been, I'm afraid, a bit of a row in the office. 30 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:21,390 You see, we think that the current crop of hot hatchbacks are very good, 31 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:25,390 however, we say they're not as good as the hot hatchbacks 32 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,550 you could buy in the '80s or the '90s. 33 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,430 Well, they're not, are they? No, exactly, but our producers, who are very young 34 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,270 and wander around with the top of their underpants 35 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,190 showing at the back of their trousers, 36 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:37,910 say that we are talking nonsense. 37 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,190 Yeah, so, to sort it all out, they told us to go and buy 38 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,270 three old hot hatches, whilst they would devise 39 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,670 a series of humiliating challenges. 40 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,320 Hmm! Hmm! LAUGHTER 41 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,990 The meeting point was a car park in Droitwich, 42 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,040 and I was the first to arrive. 43 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:05,350 This is a Volkswagen Golf GTI - 44 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:09,920 the standard-bearer, the benchmark, the daddy... 45 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,990 And think about it - a modern-day GTI would cost you £27,000. 46 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:22,830 This was just 800 quid. I mean, 800 quid! For a Golf GTI! 47 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:28,310 It's only done 172,000 miles, and at just 25 years old it's... HORN HONKS 48 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:29,840 Oh, there's James! 49 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,230 Oh, God. That was a handbrake turn, right there, ladies and gentlemen. 50 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,270 Yo! 51 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:41,630 XR2! 52 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,350 XR2i, 16 valve. 53 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,590 16 valve? Oh, yes. 54 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:49,310 See, I've gone for the coveted Mk2 eight-valve model. 55 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,190 Eight valve? Eight valve. 56 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,230 What? JAMES LAUGHS 57 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,670 Oh, the comedy stickers. 58 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,990 The thing is, James, what you have to remember is, 59 00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,510 you know when you look at a car, 60 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,350 how has it been treated? Who's owned it? 61 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,190 I looked at these stickers, 62 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,270 the non-standard alloy wheels, 63 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,110 and I suspect this has been slammed. 64 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,950 It does look like it's been slammed. It's been lowered. 65 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,470 So you add those things together, 66 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:16,510 and I've deduced it was probably owned by...a parish priest? 67 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,510 June Whitfield, probably. It's funny you should say that, 68 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,830 because I employ a similar tactic when I'm buying a car, so I looked 69 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:25,990 at things like - it has very high-specification after-market 70 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,470 brake pads. Has it? Which means it was somebody 71 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,190 interested in safety, not speed. Yes. And also, 72 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,950 they've done things like left the jacking point exposed, 73 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,830 so you spend less time exposed to danger if you have to change 74 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,390 your wheel on the hard shoulder. Exactly. 75 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,630 800 quid. 750 quid. 76 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,080 You see, we've been clever, we have been wise. 77 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,670 Sadly, our discussion was curtailed, 78 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,360 because Hammond then arrived. 79 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,190 And he hadn't been wise at all. 80 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,550 JEREMY LAUGHS 81 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,390 Is that...? 82 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,750 No. No. No. 83 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:07,950 Nova SRi. No. This is fun, isn't it? I'm loving my day so far. 84 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,630 Let me talk you through it - 1.4-litre multi-point fuel injection, 85 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,630 82 brake horsepower. Uh-huh. 86 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,510 This is light, and nippy and quick. 87 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,150 This was the clever choice in its day. Was it? Yeah. It was. 88 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:23,430 Hammond... I love... Hammond, Hammond, Hammond, Hammond. 89 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:28,470 Yeah? This has spent more time on its roof than it has on its wheels. 90 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,030 All Novas are driven by yobbos who turn them over. 91 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,110 I must admit... Because it's not just this door that doesn't match. 92 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,230 That one was white. 93 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,950 I don't think there's a ditch in Essex that this hasn't visited. 94 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,510 But it's still working. These are very desirable. Are they? 95 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,880 How much was it? 700 quid. 96 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,910 Not that anyone ever actually had to buy a Vauxhall Nova - 97 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,390 it was much easier to steal one. 98 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,750 Nobody's to watch this if you're a car thief. Don't watch this. 99 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,750 You have the keys. I have the keys. 100 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:01,390 I'm going to remove the hazard warning light switch, OK? 101 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:05,320 Yep. I'm now going to pop it back in again, upside down. 102 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,230 And lo and behold, the ignition comes on. 103 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,470 Now it's just a question of, um... Bump-start. 104 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:13,750 Go! 105 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:14,830 ENGINE STARTS 106 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,910 And there we are. HAMMOND LAUGHS 107 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,480 And I've got the key! 108 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,430 'As I was finishing my demonstration, 109 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,270 'I received a message.' 110 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,430 MOBILE BLEEPS 111 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,670 I've got a text. Oh, it's from the producers. Eh? 112 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,510 Yeah, it's the first of the challenges. 113 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,230 What happened to the gold envelope? 114 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:35,030 He's a teenager. 115 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,750 That would mean using a pen. 116 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,310 Oh, he wouldn't have seen one of those. No, he wouldn't. Anyway... 117 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,110 Hang on. I don't know what it says. Because you need your glasses? 118 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,750 Oh, dear. I'm old! 119 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:50,790 It says, "The main reason for buying a hot hatchback is speed. 120 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:55,310 "You will therefore do a performance test at the Shelsley Walsh Hill Climb 121 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:56,760 "in your crocks of ship." 122 00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:58,870 Ship? 123 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,390 Ship. I think there's been some auto-correction. Yes. 124 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,830 Right... Soldier on. 125 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,790 CAR ALARM WAILS Oh, bloody hell. 126 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,590 Have you got an alarm? 127 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:12,670 1989? They didn't have alarms, so everybody put after-market alarms 128 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,510 on them, which don't work. Ever. 129 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,750 Oh, shut up! 130 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:20,030 SECOND CAR ALARM WAILS ALONGSIDE THE FIRST 131 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:23,230 I'd like to be laughing about them and their alarms, 132 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,110 but I've just spotted something which is... 133 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,310 Well, everything got stolen in the '80s, 134 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,870 so they'd engrave the reg number on the glass, and on the tailgate, 135 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,830 I can't help but notice that this registration number 136 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,470 isn't the same as this registration number, 137 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,150 which means it's not the original tailgate. 138 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,790 I thought that was the only original panel on it. 139 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,800 ALARMS CONTINUE 140 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,240 SINGLE ALARM CONTINUES 141 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,120 JEREMY GROANS 142 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:55,670 On the drive to the Hill Climb, 143 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,520 we have the chance to get acquainted with our cars. 144 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,670 Oh, I love my little Nova. It's all about simplicity, lightness. 145 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,870 This has nothing on it that you don't need. 146 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,390 Door mirrors, manual. Windows, manual. 147 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,750 There isn't even a window winder on the passenger side, 148 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,120 because it's dropped off. How simple and light is that? 149 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,190 Since we're alone, viewers, and it's traditional for me to be honest 150 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:28,190 at this point, I will say that the car feels a little careworn. 151 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:31,150 The driver's seat smells funny, the fuel gauge doesn't work 152 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,790 all the time, and neither does the temperature gauge. 153 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,790 The radio only comes out of one speaker. 154 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,870 The clutch judders. The wheels wobble. 155 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,470 There are a lot of knocks and rattles. 156 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,040 Amazing, really, because it's only done 23,000 miles. 157 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:52,350 Let me do a systems check and make sure all the equipment is working. 158 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,470 Heated rear window, yep. 159 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,030 Ashtray, yep. 160 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,270 Good, that's that done. 161 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,310 Third gear. 162 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,120 CAR GROANS 163 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:08,110 That G-force is nearly tearing my face off! 164 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,390 We were so brave in the '80s. 165 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,910 We were brave and we were strong, because we had no power steering. 166 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,790 We didn't go to a gym - we just went for a drive. 167 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,640 That would build up a sweat. 168 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,190 Many power-steering-less miles later... 169 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,830 God, I stink. 170 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:30,120 ..we arrived at the terrifying Shelsley Walsh Hill Climb. 171 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:38,230 Germany has the Nurburgring, America has Pikes Peak - we have this. 172 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:42,910 It's more than half a mile long, and at the bottom of this fearsome 173 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,110 ribbon of tarmac, we were given more details of our challenge. 174 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,750 MOBILE BLEEPS 175 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,870 "A modern Seat Ibiza Cupre 176 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,150 "will now go up the Hill Climb course, 177 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,590 "then you must try to beat its time." 178 00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:00,350 Seat Cupre? Yeah. That's fast, is it? 179 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,510 Hang on, who's going to be driving the Seat? 180 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:06,870 It's not the Stig, is it? No. No, it's not the Stig. 181 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,600 It's the Stig's teenage cousin. 182 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,910 Look at the size of it! I know. It's a whale. 183 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,550 Might as well try and drive up there in that barn. 184 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,350 With the traditional Hill Climb chock holding the Seat in place, 185 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,390 Teenage Stig was ready for the off. 186 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:32,480 Go! 187 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,360 What a dreary spectacle. 188 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,190 Doesn't have that nimble, light, 189 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,640 tight, frenzied feel of a proper hot hatch. 190 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,640 Ohh... 191 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,600 OVER RADIO: 'The Stig's teenage cousin did it in 40.50.' 192 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:04,160 What, to do 0.6 of a mile? I shall halve it. 193 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:09,550 As the Golf had the most power, we agreed it should go first. 194 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,630 Hold on, I'm just going to shut my window. 195 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,630 HE IMITATES BUZZING 196 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:15,830 There it is. 197 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,760 Three, two, one. 198 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:25,270 That was all wheel-spin. That's already quicker, look at that. 199 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,030 Double declutch into second. A pheasant! 200 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,760 Ooh! That was close. 201 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,310 Yeah! 202 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:38,160 112 of the finest German horsepower hurling me up this hill. 203 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,840 60mph as we cross the line. 204 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,200 Uhh-uhh! 205 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,510 Next it was James' turn, in the XR2. 206 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:56,160 Three, two, one, go! 207 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,630 You bastard! 208 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,880 Nice start(!) 209 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:08,040 At speed, the XR2's 20-year-old steering really came into its own. 210 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,110 Oh, God. 211 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,720 He's bought a dog. He has bought an appalling dog. 212 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:19,870 Whoa. 213 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,320 This is terrible. 214 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:28,470 More worryingly, on the way back down, a marshal handed me back 215 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:29,600 some of my car. 216 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,880 That is a bolt, obviously. 217 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:39,960 But for what? 218 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,350 As I pondered on that, 219 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,160 Jeremy prepared the course for Hammond's Nova. 220 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:57,950 Hammond. I have never seen a man suit a car more than that. 221 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,320 Three, two, one! 222 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:03,910 Ah-ha-ha! 223 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,030 That's some wheel-spin. 224 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,030 There are some people who look like their dogs. There are one or two 225 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,320 people who look like their cars, and, yeah... Little... Nova drivers. 226 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,160 Everything, now. Come on, unleash the lot. 227 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:22,760 Across the line! 228 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,200 And now, back down! 229 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:28,760 Oh, yeah. 230 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,110 TYRES SCREECH 231 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,550 SMASHING 232 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,430 BIRDS' WINGS FLAPPING 233 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,150 Predictably, Hammond had binned it. 234 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,590 Oh, my God. No! 235 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,200 How the hell did you get it there? 236 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,320 Well, I was coming down here, and... Oh, hang on, it's... 237 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:54,270 You have righted it. You have righted it. 238 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,310 Look, he's actually beaming because you stuffed your... 239 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,110 Well, you can tell your mates, can't you? In the ditch. 240 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,630 And it's a complete roll now. 241 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,430 Cos this was the thing in the '80s - you put your car in a ditch, 242 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,150 and you did, and you found it funny. 243 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,350 Do you realise if Constable had lived today, he would have 244 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,750 painted that. It would have been called the HEY, WAYNE. 245 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,120 JEREMY LAUGHS Very good. 246 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:22,870 As the marshals recovered the Nova, we were given the results. 247 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:27,000 What was the Stig? 40... 40.5. Right. I was... 248 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,470 ..47.4. 249 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:37,430 May, perhaps not surprisingly, 50.4. 250 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:38,870 Right. 251 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,590 Hammond... 252 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:43,550 46.3. 253 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,030 So you were the fastest, and I congratulate you. Thank you. 254 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:51,150 But the point is, we were all slower than the Stig, and yet we weren't. 255 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,070 Mm-hm. Hang on. How do you make that out? 256 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,390 Time moved more slowly in the '80s. 257 00:14:56,440 --> 00:15:02,670 Because when you're 30, a year is a 30th of your life. 258 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:05,720 When you're 50, it's a 50th of your life. 259 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,320 'By the time Hammond had got this one worked out... 260 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,680 '..darkness had fallen.' 261 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,390 So what have we learned? Well, obviously we've learned 262 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:24,350 that our cars are much cheaper than their modern-day equivalent, 263 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,350 and in real terms faster. 264 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:31,360 But I think we'd all agree that they are looking a little bit...tired. 265 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:36,350 So we decided to spruce them up at the top-secret 266 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,390 Top Gear Antique Restoration Centre, 267 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,790 on the A451, just outside Kidderminster. 268 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:46,910 Here, cars are wrapped in a special self-adhesive material 269 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,000 to give them a brand-new factory-fresh look. 270 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,870 If you pay somebody else to respray your car... 271 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,150 £5,000, £10,000. Easily. 272 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,950 This is less than 1,000. 273 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,960 You know, pull the right bit off there, job done. 274 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:09,120 With the Renault done, we decided to do our cars ourselves. 275 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,070 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 276 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:21,110 OK, well... We'll see how we get on with that later on. 277 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:24,390 But now, it's time to do the news. 278 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,710 Now, BMW has made a three-cylinder hybrid. 279 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,030 Would you like to see a photograph? Well, no, not really, no. 280 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,230 Well, that's a rotten bit of luck cos here it is. 281 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,230 Wow, is that it? Yeah, three-cylinder hybrid, right there. 282 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,470 It looks quite good. 283 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,710 Is it vaguely reminiscent of the old M1? Remember the supercar they did? 284 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:45,270 What it is, I'll tell you exactly what it is, that is the future. 285 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,510 It really genuinely is. 286 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,190 It's lightweight construction, petrol engine, 287 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,390 working in tandem with an electric motor. 288 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,710 I know that sounds dreary, but think about it, 289 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,350 it's the exact same recipe you get in a McLaren P1, 290 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,550 and that is not dreary at all. 291 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,710 No, and more to the point, you've driven it, it's on the show next week. Yes. 292 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,910 Well, Come on, give us a hint, what's it like? 293 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:10,590 It is genuinely unbelievable. The speed simply is mind-blowing. 294 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,790 How fast? Beyond... 295 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:17,270 You can't keep up with just how fast it goes, that P1, 296 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,230 and because of the P1, 297 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,590 it means normal people can now drive a hybrid. 298 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:27,230 You don't have to wear nuclear-free peace sandals, 299 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,270 you can be like normal people here and have a hybrid. 300 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,830 That's why I think that is going to be brilliant. 301 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:36,830 The thing is, it will go like a 911, cost about the same, 302 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:40,030 but you don't have to be a moron to drive one. 303 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:43,550 Child! You child! Like James and Richard both have 911s. 304 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,350 Really? We're back at work, aren't we? 305 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,150 We are back in the playground, yeah. 306 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,550 I'd like to talk about things I'm sorry I missed 307 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,030 while we've been off air. 308 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:57,950 Plans are being drawn up, right, to fine the owner of a car, 309 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,470 if a passenger throws litter out of the window. 310 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,070 Fine him? The owner... 311 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,310 Oh, throw him to the dogs. Well, no... 312 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:07,830 Use the Kim Jong-un technique on people who litter. 313 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:11,670 No, I know what you mean, cos littering is the most moronic crime. 314 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,990 It's pitiful, however, thanks to this there is now an excuse for it. 315 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,350 An excuse for littering? Yeah. What? 316 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,430 Think about it, James, mate... Yes? 317 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,550 ..can I have a lift home tonight in your car? 318 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,550 JEREMY LAUGHS 319 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:28,110 Just me and, like, my favourite bin bag full of empty crisp packets. 320 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:32,750 I was once riding my motorcycle past a line of stationary cars 321 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:37,550 and I was hit in the face by half a ready meal that had been thrown out of a window... 322 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:41,030 I mean, still hot. That was me! 323 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,590 Was it? Yeah, and it wasn't a ready meal! 324 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,910 No. LAUGHTER 325 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,080 It was an adult nappy! 326 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,950 Anyway, we've had the Formula One testing all last week, 327 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,270 as I'm sure you know. 328 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,030 Important this year, the testing, cos there's so many new rules. 329 00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:01,830 The cars have to have 1.6 litre engines, narrower wings 330 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:03,430 and sex aids on the front. 331 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:07,710 Don't be stupid, they don't have to... They do! 332 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,430 Hello? Have a look at this at Caterham. 333 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,190 That's a sex aid on the front! Oh, no! What are they...? 334 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:13,950 We've got a close-up on the Toro Rosso. 335 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,720 Oh, God! You wouldn't want to be rear-ended by that, would you? 336 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,070 Cos if you think of it, you get in the car, 337 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:23,030 strap yourself in and there it is. 338 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,870 It is a strap-on, basically. 339 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,590 Formula "strap" One! Formula "strap" One! 340 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,830 Formula "strap" One is what it is! 341 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,670 Right, here's a scenario. You're racing towards the finish line, 342 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,790 neck and neck, you want to cross the line first. 343 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,870 It's good if you could extend the front a bit... Yeah. 344 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,390 ..and maybe if you were, I don't know, let's say, 345 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,710 having trouble extending the bit at the front, 346 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:46,550 they could have a little blue triangular button on the steering wheel that you could press. 347 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:47,830 V Power! Yes! 348 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,430 There it is! For about an hour and a half...it's longer! 349 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,750 I'm just saying. 350 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:57,070 You don't get coverage like that in Autosport magazine. Oh, yeah. 351 00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,590 Now, are you always late for your game of golf? 352 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:05,750 Are you sick of being the last to the lodge? Well, it's good news! 353 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,550 CHEERING Is it another Dacia? 354 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,510 It's not a Dacia... LAUGHTER 355 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,950 There is a new 450-brake horsepower Lexus called the RCF. 356 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,680 Here it is, what do you think? 357 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,390 I hate to have to say this, James, but I actually quite like it. 358 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,910 I'm glad, cos I quite like it as well. 359 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:28,310 Oh, God, I'm going to catch golf from you two! Ugh! 360 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,550 I'm going to turn up next week like that. Hang on a minute, though. 361 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:35,870 This is the second Lexus you've liked. It is, you're a Lexus fan. 362 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,190 There you go. 363 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,310 And then, I'm going to join the police as a constable 364 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,270 and become a chief inspector within a week 365 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,510 with me trouser leg rolled up and one of those. 366 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:47,440 Oh, it was the Masons! I thought that was a sexual thing! 367 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,710 Ooh, I tell you what I was driving the other day, 368 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,110 the new Mercedes S-Class which is available 369 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,830 with a thermal imaging camera, OK, 370 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,550 which sends a feed from the front of the car onto the dashboard, 371 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,430 so you can see what's ahead at night, 372 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,990 beyond the range of your headlights. We've got some footage of it here. 373 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,510 So as you're driving along, 374 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,350 the camera can see animals, there you go, 375 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,430 and it picks them out in red, or people. 376 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,510 As it's going along there is an animal, you see? 377 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,790 That's clever. A bit of a gimmick, though, isn't it? You wouldn't rely on it. 378 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,310 You say that, James, but I was coming back to my flat in London 379 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,470 the other night, it was quite late, in the S-Class with that turned on. 380 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,230 As I was going up, it picked out a red box in some bushes, 381 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:27,990 just outside my front door. 382 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,870 I drove up, I thought, 383 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,150 "What on earth is that at this time of the morning?" 384 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,110 Drove up, when the headlines got there, paparazzi photographer. 385 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:39,870 So it can find paps hiding in the dark? Yeah, but there's a problem. 386 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,910 Because when I tried to run him down... LAUGHTER 387 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,950 As you get near, it automatically applies the brakes. 388 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:51,070 What's the point of targeting somebody, if you can't hit them? 389 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,230 They haven't thought that through. 390 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,950 Back to the drawing board with that, please, Mercedes. 391 00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:01,310 Now, obviously the biggest news while we were off air 392 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:05,110 was the tragic accident that Michael Schumacher had. 393 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,150 I don't know if any of his family are watching, but I'm sure everybody 394 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:12,670 here would join with us to wish him a full and speedy recovery. 395 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,040 Absolutely. APPLAUSE 396 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,240 Come on, old fella, pull through. Yeah. 397 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:23,790 Now... 398 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,790 Tonight we are attempting to prove to our teenage producers that the 399 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:33,350 hot hatches of our youth were better than the hot hatches of today. 400 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:37,070 Yes, and when we left the action we were at the Top Gear Restoration 401 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:42,160 Technical Centre, where we decided to wrap our cars ourselves. 402 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,000 Because Hammond's car was the smallest, he finished first. 403 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:52,830 The results of my labours. Urban camo. 404 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,590 Or it might be Arctic urban camo. 405 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,350 Yeah, there's a rough edge here and there, but for a first attempt 406 00:22:58,400 --> 00:22:59,590 I think it's pretty crisp... 407 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,360 Behold the genius! What? 408 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,830 Hello. Mate, it's... 409 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:09,200 HAMMOND LAUGHS 410 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:17,350 I haven't seen it in the light, it's terrible! How brilliant is this? 411 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,390 What you're looking at here is velvet. Why didn't you DRIVE it out? 412 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:27,470 Because I suspect James May, as a cruel joke, has hidden my keys. 413 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:32,030 Actually, no. I suspect you've effectively hidden your keys 414 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:35,310 because I suspect that's them there, look. 415 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:36,830 You left them on the roof. 416 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,830 And while I'm here, isn't there a sunroof on this car? 417 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,790 Yes, here. Well, you can't open it, or this door. 418 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,190 Or in fact, this door. Burglar-proof. 419 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:50,320 As Jeremy retrieved his keys, James appeared. 420 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,600 He hasn't got the idea of wrapping, has he? No. 421 00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,910 Come on! It's a bit annual, mate. 422 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,150 That's exactly it. It's seasonal. It is unequivocal, is what it is. 423 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,870 If you park that by the side of the road, 424 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,070 and say to anyone, "What's happened to that car?" 425 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,310 and they will say it, "Oh, it's been wrapped." 426 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,070 Hang on, a text. 427 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,030 "Dear grandad..." Ooh! Really? Thank you. 428 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:18,150 "Because 1980s hot hatchbacks were so easy to steal, 429 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:22,070 "they were mostly used for doing handbrake turns on housing estates 430 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,950 "and ram raiding Woolworths. 431 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,190 "So, to see which one of your ridiculous cars..." Superb cars. 432 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,920 "..is best, you will have a game of Supermarket Sweep." 433 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,590 The rules were simple. 434 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,830 The producers had laid out a course around the aisles of a supermarket 435 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:46,000 and we had to see which of our cars could get around it the fastest. 436 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:48,870 Right, James, you are going first. 437 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,270 Just so you know, there is a second added to your time for every 438 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,630 £1 of damage that you do out there. 439 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,750 Right. OK? OK. 440 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,470 This is going to be like living in the 1980s. 441 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,640 ENGINE REVS 442 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,960 Three, two, one, go! 443 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,790 Obviously, I am the intelligent one here 444 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:17,200 and the point of this is to not hit anything, not to go around quickly. 445 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:19,960 He's neat. Isn't he? 446 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:26,590 A second is more easily saved by not breaking something 447 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,070 than by driving into things. 448 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:30,680 Through the chicane... 449 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,880 Missing that, missing that, missing everything. 450 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,160 Oh, his wheel got jammed up with... spam! Spam! 451 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,360 Briskly around there... 452 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,280 And through to the finish. 453 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:54,000 How did I do? One minute and two, but you did hit things, James. 454 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,550 After the value of the smashed custard creams 455 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,710 and the splattered Spam had been totted up, 456 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,110 I took my place on the start line. 457 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,240 CAR ALARM BLARES 458 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:10,680 Good. 459 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,480 Yes! Three, two, one, go! 460 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:19,720 That's a vigorous start. 461 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,600 Here we go! 462 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,720 And into the turn. 463 00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:31,910 It's a bad crash! Oh, no! 464 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,510 That's a couple of seconds off there. Yeah, I'd say so. 465 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,190 Things have gone literally... 466 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,880 I've hit the luxury toiletries! 467 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,710 And some bread. 468 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,840 Yes, I've just hit some... Oh. 469 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:53,960 Oh, no! I've got Rich Tea biscuits, literally everywhere. 470 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,230 Oh, God above. 471 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,630 Well, it is a quick time now, but it possibly won't be 472 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,160 once we've added on... the destruction! 473 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:11,760 I've gone again. 474 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,080 In the plums! 475 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,040 He's on the finishing straight. 476 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,640 And...across the line! 477 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:29,510 It took a very long time to work out Jeremy's score. 478 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:33,080 But eventually, it was my go. 479 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:35,430 Let's do this. 480 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:39,030 What do you think he's going to do? Your style, or my style? 481 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:40,990 Well, if he's got any sense he'll do mine, 482 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,470 but he hasn't got any sense cos he's Hammond, so... 483 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:47,440 Go! Come on, little Nova, here we go. 484 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,400 Oh, dear. Oh, that's... 485 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,960 Gee, that was enormous! 486 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,160 ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SQUEAL 487 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,280 What manner of thing did he do? 488 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:11,040 Run away! 489 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:18,320 Here he comes. 490 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:22,200 And across the line! 491 00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:28,800 Well, that's predictable. Oh, 1:04. 492 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:34,390 That completed the supermarket challenge. 493 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,710 All we had to do now was help Hammond right his car. 494 00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,520 ..Three... Maybe another one? 495 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,840 Come on! 496 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,520 ALL GRUNT 497 00:28:55,880 --> 00:29:00,350 The next morning, as we set off to Wales for our next challenge, 498 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:02,960 all was not well in our convoy. 499 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:10,190 A packet of Coco Pops had severed the fuel line in Hammond's Nova. 500 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:14,870 And one of the many crashes had damaged Jeremy's Golf. 501 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:16,790 Oh, God, no, this steering... 502 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:20,520 There's something catastrophically wrong. Look at it! 503 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:26,560 I can't... Oh! Um, gentlemen, I may have to stop. 504 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:30,310 A couple of miles further on, 505 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:33,360 I found an empty airfield where I could do some repairs. 506 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:38,150 Yes, the handling characteristics were affected by a small accident 507 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,430 last night with some beef stew. 508 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:44,070 Oh, dear. I hit the bottom of the wheel and it's gone in. But you can solve it. 509 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:48,110 Yes, I've seen that done. Most F1 teams do something similar(!) 510 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:49,990 Is your car working yet, Hammond? 511 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:53,070 I've got to put a new fuel pipe on, it'll take me a second. 512 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:55,910 I've got one more jubilee clip to do and it'll be done. MOBILE BLEEPS 513 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:59,030 What? Text, which could mean it is from the producers. 514 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:04,030 Ah, the results of Supermarket Sweep are in. Oh, brilliant. 515 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:08,750 James - one minute and five seconds. Three quid's worth of damage? 516 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,710 Three seconds added, three quid's worth of damaged produce. 517 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,910 Richard. Yes? 518 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:18,910 Two minutes and 12 seconds. That's 60-something quid's worth. 519 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:22,990 You got a minute and eight seconds, yeah, you got £68 worth of damage. 520 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:25,110 Jeremy Clarkson. Yes? 521 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,990 28 minutes and six seconds. 522 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:30,520 Don't be stupid! Oh, you didn't quite make the half hour! 523 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:37,710 It's rubbish, anyway, because in the '80s I did not ram raid shops. 524 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:41,270 I had much better things to do with my cars. What? 525 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:45,830 I can't tell you now. Why not? The producers. 526 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,270 What? What I'm going to do, Hammond, you can't do in front of 527 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,550 BBC health and safety people. 528 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:55,550 Eventually the producers went to get something to eat 529 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:59,710 and with the cars mended, I began my demonstration. 530 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:02,790 Right, this is called Lap Of Your Own Car. 531 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:05,630 I'm going to climb out of the window, over the roof, 532 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:07,390 through the passenger window 533 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:11,470 and back behind the wheel before the car stops. 534 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,750 But you're the driver. Yes. 535 00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,630 Right! Are we ready? I'm going to pop it into neutral. Here we go. 536 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:20,470 Oh, my God. I think this is what George Michael was trying to do. 537 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:25,670 Small steering input. I've got it. Oh, my God. It doesn't really steer. 538 00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,630 I'm out! He is out of the car. 539 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,230 I'm actually on the roof of a moving vehicle. 540 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:34,630 I am doing a lap now. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. 541 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:35,750 Here he is, coming in. 542 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,910 Tell you what, velvet's good, you get better traction. 543 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:40,830 RICHARD LAUGHS 544 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:44,880 Genuinely staggered. It worked! Yes! 545 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:50,240 This success sent us on a journey down memory lane. 546 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:58,190 Yeah! Two silver trays underneath the rear wheels, handbrake on, 547 00:31:58,240 --> 00:31:59,760 the best game in the world. 548 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:04,830 Musical chairs, let it begin. 549 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,520 Right, you're now steering. 550 00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:10,150 I'm in the driver's seat! Your hair! 551 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,150 Get off! 552 00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:15,470 Your bottom is touching my sausage! 553 00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:18,510 May, go back. Go, go, go! 554 00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:21,920 THEY SCREAM 555 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:26,990 The '80s were brilliant. 556 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,710 They were better. Just much better. Music was better. 557 00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:32,230 Everything was better. Oh, yeah. 558 00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:35,910 We then rounded off our Don't Try This At Home nostalgia trip 559 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:37,830 with a traditional drag race. 560 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:41,640 Three, two, one, go! 561 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:49,110 The mighty Golf GTi. Come on, Nova. Come on, come on! 562 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:50,480 No, he's getting away! 563 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,550 ENGINE GROANS 564 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,760 What's... Oh! 565 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,390 A total victory. 566 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:03,390 What's happened to Hammond? 567 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,270 What had happened to Hammond was not good. 568 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,710 Still there. Perhaps it's not used to being the right way up. 569 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,200 ENGINE STRUGGLES 570 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:17,470 It's fine. It's fine. 571 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:21,160 ENGINE GRINDS Oh, that's good as well. Fine. 572 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:27,990 You've knackered that. You've totalled your Nova. 573 00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:29,710 It's fine. 574 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,120 APPLAUSE 575 00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:36,190 Hammond... No, what?! Hammond... 576 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:39,390 Would you like to tell the ladies and gentlemen 577 00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:41,190 what happened to your Nova? 578 00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:43,590 It just blew up. Did it? Boom! 579 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:47,350 Or did you change into first rather than third? 580 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:49,030 Well, I did do that a bit. Exactly. 581 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:53,750 Never mind that, because the producers are very cross with us 582 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:55,950 about our little trip down memory lane. 583 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,750 They say that it might make young people copy us. 584 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:02,350 I don't see why, it's not like they've ever copied anything else we do, is it? 585 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:06,430 No, you never hear kids in the barber's say, "Can I have hair like James May's?" 586 00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:08,470 It was a montage of stuff 587 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:12,430 that was acceptable in the '80s that isn't acceptable now. 588 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:14,070 Like wearing white socks. Exactly. 589 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:17,870 Or saying to a female co-worker, "You look nice today." 590 00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:20,990 Exactly. You can't do that any more. 591 00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:25,030 Anyway, we must move on, because I want to talk about 592 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:27,670 one of the most evocative words in motoring. 593 00:34:27,720 --> 00:34:31,990 Bonneville. Team it with "Triumph", it's a legendary motorcycle. 594 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:37,150 Team it with "salt flats", it's a shrine to the pursuit of speed. 595 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:40,550 Team it with "Hugh" and it's... neither of those things. 596 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:44,590 But it is tonight's Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. 597 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:50,270 From Downton Abbey, his favourite TV show, Hugh Bonneville! 598 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:52,630 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 599 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:55,590 Hello! How are you? 600 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:57,990 He's here! 601 00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:00,840 He's here. Have a seat. Thank you. 602 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:06,550 Richard Hammond is beside himself with excitement. 603 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:08,550 Downton, he's obsessed. 604 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:12,430 I want to begin, if I may, talking about your early life, early cars. 605 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:16,430 Despite your legendary name, it doesn't seem like 606 00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:18,790 you come from a family of speed freaks. 607 00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:23,590 No, the Bonneville salt flats don't feature in my pedigree. 608 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:26,670 We were a family of Volvos, when I was growing up. 609 00:35:26,720 --> 00:35:32,590 Starting with a 121, a roundy shape, number plate NUV665E. 610 00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:34,950 For some reason, I can remember that number plate, 611 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:36,550 but I can't remember my own now. 612 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,630 That's a weird thing. I was talking to James about this the other day. 613 00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,790 We can remember the number plates of our fathers' cars. 614 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:47,150 JWY370J, DW510H on the Cortina 1600E. 615 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:50,630 FYR495J on the Volvo 124. 616 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:56,430 So you can remember all your dad's Volvos? Yeah, it's tragic, really. 617 00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:59,350 They were 1 Series Volvos, so very early ones. 618 00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,510 The weird thing about the first one, the NUV665E, 619 00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:05,710 was that my dad regretted selling it, 620 00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:10,870 and he was at a zebra crossing near where we lived in Blackheath 621 00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:13,950 and suddenly he spotted it about five years later 622 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:15,550 and flagged down the driver and said, 623 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:18,390 "If ever you want to sell it, it was the biggest mistake of my life." 624 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:19,950 Later, the bloke got in touch 625 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:22,430 and it was in the family for the next ten years. 626 00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:27,590 On the subject of family, why did you try to bury your sister 627 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,030 when she was still perfectly healthy? 628 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,270 LAUGHTER 629 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:36,230 I can't believe you've asked me that question. That's quite embarrassing. 630 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,470 Well, she'd been quite annoying. 631 00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:42,430 I was about eight and she was 16, I think. 632 00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:44,070 I complained to Mum, 633 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:47,830 and she was cooking supper and said, "Yes, that must be annoying." 634 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:51,470 I said, "I'm going to kill her, but first I'm going to dig a grave." 635 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:54,670 And she said, "Yes, dear, dinner will be in half an hour." 636 00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:57,550 I got a shovel and I started digging, 637 00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:01,110 I measured it out, six foot long and that wide... 638 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:04,230 I got about three inches 639 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:09,310 and the weird thing was, Magpie were filming in our street. 640 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:13,310 They were doing a programme about rag-and-bone men. 641 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:16,310 My mum ran out to say, "We've got an old tin bath," 642 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:20,670 so they said, "Can we film coming round the back of the house?" 643 00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:24,160 to where the tin bath was, and the cameraman fell in the grave! 644 00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:28,030 I hasten to add, I love my sister. 645 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:29,270 Yeah! Tried to kill her. 646 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,070 I once tried to kill my sister when she put a drawing pin 647 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:33,590 through my space hopper. 648 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:35,520 AUDIENCE: Ooh! Bitch! 649 00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:42,400 You heard that, Joanna. Lord Grantham just called you a bitch. 650 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:47,950 Did you have a flirtation with Triumphs as a family? 651 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:49,910 I always coveted my aunt's Triumph Stag, 652 00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:52,710 which was a beautiful car, and the selfish cow sold it 653 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:55,390 rather than give it to me for free. 654 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:58,230 A Stag. You'd suit a Stag. A Stag. 655 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,950 You don't actually drive a two-seater sports car 656 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:02,350 from what I understand? 657 00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:07,710 No, I don't. I currently have an XC90, a Volvo XC90. A fine car. 658 00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:10,670 I bought it off a friend ten years ago and it has served us very well. 659 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:14,110 But going to go to an Audi Q5. 660 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,990 Is that really Snoozeville? 661 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:18,550 That's like forsaking all food 662 00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,310 and saying, "I'm going to live for the rest of my life 663 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:23,270 "on nothing but wallpaper paste." 664 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:26,310 It's an appalling... Jeremy! What? 665 00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:28,310 Stop talking to him about cars. 666 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:34,310 Hammond... Never, you're always having a cup of tea. 667 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,390 What? Stop talking to him about cars. Why? 668 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:40,390 Because he's from Downton Abbey. 669 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:44,800 He's Lord Grantham, over there. I know! He's looking at me! 670 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:53,870 Ask him my question. What question? Who's Lady Mary going to marry? 671 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:58,750 Which one? Who is Lady Mary going to marry? 672 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,590 I have no idea. I'm sorry, Richard, I don't know. 673 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:03,870 Of course he knows! He's Lord Grantham! 674 00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:06,150 Hammond, he's not here to talk about Downton, 675 00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:07,990 you're here to talk about your new film. 676 00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:12,160 Exactly. Go away! Back in your box! Go away! 677 00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:17,630 Anyway, the new film, The Monuments Men, what is it about? 678 00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:21,270 It is based on the true story of these rather unsung heroes 679 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:26,070 of the Second World War, who were art historians and museum curators 680 00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:30,710 who were sent in after D-day, largely, to try and locate the art 681 00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:33,790 and treasures that the Nazis were spiriting away, 682 00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:37,470 and also to persuade the Allies not to blow up that particular church 683 00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:38,990 because there are Germans in it, 684 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,070 because it does contain part of our culture. 685 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,750 Really? And that's a true story? It's based on a true story. 686 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:46,350 We've got a clip. Ooh! I've not seen anything of it. 687 00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:49,230 Well, you can have a look at yourself on telly. Look, here we go. 688 00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:52,710 And finally, we have your sculptor, Sergeant Walter Garfield. 689 00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:56,270 He's a good egg. I worked with him on the World War I memorial in St Louis. 690 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:57,590 A-ha! St Louis... 691 00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:00,670 GUNFIRE 692 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:04,870 How are you, old boy? Hey, Walter, how they treating you? 693 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:06,590 Taking it pretty easy on us. 694 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:08,990 I think that they feel sorry for us old guys. 695 00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:12,270 I don't much fancy an obstacle course. It's not so bad. 696 00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:14,230 By the end, you're just crawling on your belly 697 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,230 while teenagers shoot blanks over your head. 698 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:18,510 Well, yes and no. How's that? 699 00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:22,000 Yes, they are teenagers. And no? They're not blanks. 700 00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:29,110 Looks like my sort of film. That is my sort of film. 701 00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:34,590 Now, George Clooney. He directed it as well, didn't he? 702 00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:39,030 George directed it, he stars in it, he produced it and he co-wrote it. 703 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:42,750 I've been wondering, looking at what you're doing at the moment, 704 00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:44,750 is how on earth you are fitting it in, 705 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:47,630 because you're also working on W1A. 706 00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:50,950 Yes, W1A is a spin-off of a show I did called Twenty Twelve. 707 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:54,310 Which was fabulous. Thank you very much. I properly loved that. 708 00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:57,830 It was a mockumentary about trying to organise the Olympics. 709 00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:01,070 Obviously, my character made such a success of organising the Olympics, 710 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,990 I'm the go-to man to sort out corporate issues. 711 00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:06,790 So what better place than to go into the BBC? 712 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,550 When I heard that this was happening, 713 00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:11,990 and I can see all the location signs around the BBC buildings 714 00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:14,150 where you are filming it, I was thinking, 715 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:17,470 how do you make fiction about BBC management 716 00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:19,960 funnier than what actually happens? 717 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:24,110 Broadcasting House, the new big building on Regent Street, 718 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:26,670 Portland Place, you're not allowed in there 719 00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:30,670 even if you're BBC staff unless you've been on a half-hour 720 00:41:30,720 --> 00:41:34,270 health and safety course on how to operate the building. 721 00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:35,710 I started the course. 722 00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:39,430 A lady with an eight-page document arrived to talk me through it. 723 00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:43,590 Page one was a picture of a fire alarm, red fire alarm box. 724 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:45,390 It said, "This is a fire alarm." 725 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:50,390 Page two, a graphic of a green sign with a man running like this 726 00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:53,190 with the word "exit". "That's an emergency exit." 727 00:41:53,240 --> 00:41:55,230 At that point, I was taken off to do some filming. 728 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:57,590 I still haven't... You haven't completed the course? 729 00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,710 I still haven't. I still have to be escorted around Broadcasting House 730 00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:03,110 in case I'm confused by a light fitting! 731 00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:06,630 Or something of that nature. It is stupid. 732 00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,150 I'm longing to see something that satirises it, 733 00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:13,350 but again, how are you doing it? You must be the world's busiest man. 734 00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:16,270 Presumably you drove very quickly around the lap, 735 00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:18,990 so you could get home more quickly? 736 00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:21,230 No, I'm not a speed merchant. 737 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:23,670 At the beginning, when The Stig took me around, 738 00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:26,270 I was really terrified, being in the passenger seat, 739 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:28,510 and I thought, "I'll never be able to do this." 740 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:30,190 By the end, as your guys will tell you, 741 00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:32,550 I refused to get out, I wanted to go again and again. 742 00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:34,470 Who here would like to see the lap? 743 00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:36,390 AUDIENCE: Yes! 744 00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:38,320 Play the tape, let's have a look. 745 00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:43,630 The car, fresh after its long rest. 746 00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:44,960 Come on, son! 747 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:49,550 Look at the lines, streaming down. 748 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:53,630 That is wet, really is pouring down, and that's odd for England(!) 749 00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:57,230 If you're watching abroad, it's never normally like that here. 750 00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:59,270 Where's the white line? Oh, there. 751 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:00,710 LAUGHTER 752 00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:04,030 You may laugh, but it is quite tricky to see the line 753 00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:06,390 when the track is soaking wet. 754 00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:07,880 It's really steamy. 755 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:11,080 Hmm? 756 00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:18,110 You need to get that sort of thing sorted out before you set off. 757 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,350 Even though the lines are invisible from behind the wheel, 758 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:24,270 you've done a pretty good job. That's not bad. 759 00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:26,720 Woohoo! Perfectly judged. 760 00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:31,600 Must remember to get some milk. 761 00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:35,630 Worse than Kimi Raikkonen for not paying attention, 762 00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,800 but no worries through there at all. 763 00:43:39,240 --> 00:43:42,710 Tyres, speedy, moving them about nicely. 764 00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:44,590 Oh, that is quick! 765 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:46,830 On the wrong side of the road there, but never mind. 766 00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:50,030 It's nicely done, and you haven't gone off on the second to last corner. 767 00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:53,470 Gambon, a bit of understeer. That car grips well. 768 00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:55,190 And there we are. Across the line! 769 00:43:55,240 --> 00:43:58,680 APPLAUSE 770 00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:03,400 Now, ha-ha! 771 00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:12,310 Just realised that's the first ever wet lap we've had in that car. 772 00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:15,030 Nobody else has driven around in the rain. 773 00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:18,790 Bearing that in mind, where do you think you've come? 774 00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:24,630 Well, I suspect...between Ron Howard and Steven Tyler, 775 00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:26,150 bearing in mind it's wet. 776 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:30,670 Somewhere between 1.50 and 1.51 is what you think you've done. 777 00:44:30,720 --> 00:44:32,240 Well, you did it in... 778 00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:44,350 1.50.1. 779 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:48,910 Which means you're the first guest ever to guess correctly... 780 00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:51,640 Wait, wait, wait! 781 00:44:53,800 --> 00:44:58,310 You just put Steven Tyler... I'll cross it out, wrong. 782 00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:00,720 A very professional show. There, look, correct! 783 00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:05,150 To be brutally honest with you, The Stig did say 784 00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:06,670 that you have a natural talent 785 00:45:06,720 --> 00:45:10,590 and if it had been dry you would have been very close to the top. 786 00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,830 Well, that's an accolade then. It is. 787 00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:16,590 I'll go away happy, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much, Hugh Bonneville! 788 00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:17,910 Thank you. 789 00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:19,600 CHEERING 790 00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:26,750 Right, tonight the boys and girls who produce Top Gear 791 00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:29,910 are on a mission to prove that the hot hatchbacks of our era 792 00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:33,750 were rubbish. Yeah. Things are not going well for me, 793 00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:36,070 cos I've slightly damaged the engine... Ruined. 794 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:37,150 LAUGHTER 795 00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:40,390 Slightly damaged. Whatever... Damaged the engine in my Nova and it's 796 00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:43,190 on the back of a tow truck. But despite this we had been told 797 00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,950 to report to somewhere we couldn't pronounce... 798 00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:47,360 in Wales. 799 00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:55,040 Having crossed the Severn Estuary we soon arrived at the location. 800 00:45:56,320 --> 00:46:00,950 HE STRUGGLES TO PRONOUNCE: Trefniadaeth Seilwaith Amddiffyn 801 00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:04,710 Man Hyfforddi Caerwent. 802 00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:08,190 And here on this huge, abandoned army base crisscrossed 803 00:46:08,240 --> 00:46:12,230 with more than 30 miles of deserted roads, 804 00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:15,670 we received the details of our challenge. 805 00:46:15,720 --> 00:46:18,350 Oh, hello. Why is it an envelope and not a text this time? 806 00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:21,110 That's a good point. We're in Wales - no signal. 807 00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:23,950 Ahh! Yeah! We're back to the old ways. 808 00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:25,510 Come on then, what is it? 809 00:46:25,560 --> 00:46:28,230 "Because the drivers of '80s hatchbacks were irresponsible 810 00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:31,750 "and stupid they were often chased by the 50." 811 00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:35,910 Er, James, it means the 5-0, as in Hawaii 5-0, it's the police. 812 00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,870 Yeah, whatever. Well, anyway. The 50! 813 00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:40,350 Anyway... "You will now go head-to-head with 814 00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:43,510 "the Top Gear Police Department. Each of you will take it in turns 815 00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:46,350 "to drive your own car while the other two will use 816 00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:49,070 "a selection of police vehicles to try and stop you." 817 00:46:49,120 --> 00:46:51,430 That sounds quite good. It does sound good. 818 00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:53,710 Tell you what, Hammond, you go first. 819 00:46:53,760 --> 00:46:55,350 Erm, good, yes. 820 00:46:55,400 --> 00:46:57,120 I might need a minute. 821 00:46:58,200 --> 00:46:59,950 While Hammond mended his car, 822 00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:05,430 James and I broke out the TGPD pursuit vehicles 823 00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:08,840 and slipped into our police uniforms. 824 00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:15,190 OK, Hammond, are you ready? 825 00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:19,990 Yes, I am. This is going to be good. In 3, 2, 1... 826 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:21,830 start the clock. 827 00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:23,600 ENGINE FAILS TO START 828 00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:27,430 STARTS CREAKILY 829 00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:29,390 We are off. 830 00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:33,990 CREAKS AND GRINDS 831 00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:36,590 Yep, it's just warming up. SIREN WAILS 832 00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:38,230 Here we go... 833 00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:42,430 Ha-ha! 834 00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:44,910 Excuse me, sir, my moustache would like a word with you, 835 00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:47,910 if you'd like to step out of the vehicle. You're nicked, sunshine. 836 00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:50,190 What did I do? How long? Eight seconds. 837 00:47:50,240 --> 00:47:51,830 Do you know, another fault... 838 00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:54,270 Did it? Very similar. Did it? 839 00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:57,910 It manifested itself similarly to the last one that one I repaired. 840 00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:01,990 Tell that to the judge... Yes...sunshine. Right. 841 00:48:02,040 --> 00:48:03,870 Jeremy then put on the yobbo outfit 842 00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:07,790 and lined up his velvet Golf on the start line. 843 00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:11,150 3, 2, 1...begin... 844 00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:14,830 COPS AND ROBBERS MUSIC 845 00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:16,350 SIRENS WAIL 846 00:48:16,400 --> 00:48:19,720 And there we are, eight seconds. I've already beaten Hammond. 847 00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:28,240 He's getting away, constable! 848 00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:31,160 Yes. Live with this...! 849 00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:36,110 You see, what we're learning straight away is that 850 00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:41,640 a modern police Astra is no match for a 1980s hot hatchback. 851 00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:45,840 TYRES SQUEAL 852 00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:50,910 And it wasn't just the Astras that were causing problems. 853 00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:53,390 Recent figures say that in London 854 00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:57,350 12 police cars are crashed every day. 855 00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:01,030 And the reason is, it's because they are driving in high-energy 856 00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:05,440 difficult situations while under the influence of the moustache. 857 00:49:07,720 --> 00:49:11,350 Got a moustache, got a moustache, got a moustache. 858 00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:13,960 TYRES SQUEAL 859 00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:18,360 Oh, he's lost it! 860 00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:23,160 Totally distracted by his face decoration. 861 00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:29,230 MUSIC: "Miami Vice Theme" by Jan Hammer 862 00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:31,710 With the Astras unable to close the gap... 863 00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:33,200 Come on! 864 00:49:34,280 --> 00:49:35,960 ..the chase went on... 865 00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:39,070 ..and on... 866 00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:40,760 and on... 867 00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:48,030 MUSIC CONTINUES 868 00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:52,310 The next morning, the weather had become extremely Welsh. 869 00:49:52,360 --> 00:49:54,640 But still, the Golf was uncaught. 870 00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:57,630 This isn't working, sir. 871 00:49:57,680 --> 00:50:00,070 No, I agree, I think we're going to have to break out 872 00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:02,760 the Top Gear Police Department magnetron of justice. 873 00:50:04,880 --> 00:50:07,960 If anything could stop the miscreant, it was this. 874 00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:14,200 A giant crane with a seven-kilowatt magnet suspended from its arm. 875 00:50:16,240 --> 00:50:20,720 A machine that could render any vehicle immobile in moments. 876 00:50:25,320 --> 00:50:26,960 Right, let's go get him. 877 00:50:27,960 --> 00:50:30,520 Soon, the trap was set. 878 00:50:33,800 --> 00:50:35,630 Mmm, what's this...? 879 00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:37,990 Arming magnet. 880 00:50:38,040 --> 00:50:40,600 MAGNET FIZZING 881 00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:51,320 Here he comes... 882 00:50:53,360 --> 00:50:54,920 RICHARD CHUCKLES 883 00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:06,230 Blithering idiots. Do they not realise you can't use a magnet 884 00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:07,960 to pick up velvet? 885 00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:11,790 There was only one thing for it - 886 00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:15,760 unleash the TGPD remote-controlled car of death. 887 00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:19,760 Target vehicle identified and located. 888 00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:23,240 Where the hell are they? 889 00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:28,870 How can this be a police chase when they aren't chasing me any more? 890 00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:30,590 Target acquired... 891 00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,760 BEEPING 892 00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:39,350 Sir, you might want to put your fingers in your ears. 893 00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:42,510 I don't know where those two are or what they're plotting 894 00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:44,790 but it won't work. 895 00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:47,110 BEEPING 896 00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:50,110 This car is simply... 897 00:51:50,160 --> 00:51:51,200 invincib... 898 00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:06,910 Bigger than I was expecting, constable. 899 00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:08,480 Yes, sir, it was, sir. 900 00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:17,830 So, it turns out that velvet is impervious to magnets, 901 00:52:17,880 --> 00:52:20,560 but it IS pervious to dynamite. 902 00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:25,750 Nevertheless, I felt confident that James would not be able 903 00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:30,950 to beat my evasion time of 14 hours and 22 minutes. 904 00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:34,510 In...3, 2, 1... 905 00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:36,120 start the clock. 906 00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:39,350 SIRENS WAIL 907 00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:42,790 However, as he set off it became clear he'd come up 908 00:52:42,840 --> 00:52:44,440 with an unusual plan... 909 00:52:46,240 --> 00:52:47,680 What is he doing? 910 00:52:49,960 --> 00:52:54,190 Now, the thing is, viewers, whenever you watch Police Camera Action 911 00:52:54,240 --> 00:52:56,990 or see a real police chase, the person trying to get away is always 912 00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:59,590 going ludicrously fast, but, actually, what's the point? 913 00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:02,470 You'd just panic and have an accident 914 00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:04,310 and that's the end of that, 915 00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:06,630 but if you just do normal speed, 916 00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:08,800 they still can't get you out of the car, can they? 917 00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:13,910 Keen to prove him wrong, 918 00:53:13,960 --> 00:53:17,310 I initiated the TGPD anti-terrorism move. 919 00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:18,920 Here we go. 920 00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:22,440 Pushing, pushing. 921 00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:26,440 Got him. 922 00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:34,200 He's just driven off! 923 00:53:35,400 --> 00:53:39,510 'As the hours crawled by, we tried many things.' 924 00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:41,480 Stop him, Constable! 925 00:53:42,320 --> 00:53:43,550 How's that going to help? 926 00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:45,070 I've fallen off the bonnet! 927 00:53:45,120 --> 00:53:47,790 What are you going to do if the doors are locked? 928 00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:49,680 You can't pull a man out of a car. 929 00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:55,360 This is an arrest. 930 00:53:58,480 --> 00:54:02,630 'Happily, though, after many hours of tedious pursuit...' 931 00:54:02,680 --> 00:54:05,990 Weaving, weaving... 932 00:54:06,040 --> 00:54:11,750 '..James finally made a mistake.' Oh, crikey, this is a dead end. 933 00:54:11,800 --> 00:54:15,830 Yes, his sense of direction has let him down. A-ha! 934 00:54:15,880 --> 00:54:17,710 In we go, yes. 935 00:54:17,760 --> 00:54:19,950 LOUD BANG Bollocks! 936 00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:22,360 We've got him! We finally have him. 937 00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:26,160 We don't have him, he's closed my door. 938 00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:31,710 He's done it again. 939 00:54:31,760 --> 00:54:35,990 And now look. I've damaged a police car. 940 00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:40,710 'This meant I was now delayed with police paperwork.' 941 00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:45,910 "I were in pursuit of a pleb... 942 00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:49,550 "IC1, male. 943 00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:56,120 "He did crash into me at speed." 944 00:54:57,240 --> 00:54:59,560 I'm going to get that bastard! 945 00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:09,910 While Jeremy had been finessing his statement, I decided 946 00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:16,550 it was time to skewer May with the TGPD prongs of doom. 947 00:55:16,600 --> 00:55:18,560 SIREN BLARES 948 00:55:22,960 --> 00:55:27,070 It's a heavy, high-mobility engineer excavator, 949 00:55:27,120 --> 00:55:29,720 built by JCB for the military. 950 00:55:31,680 --> 00:55:38,150 It weighs 13.5 tonnes, but it's got a 6.7 litre straight-six turbo-diesel 951 00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,480 and it can do 63mph. 952 00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:44,950 James May, you've had it! 953 00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:46,960 Wherever you are. 954 00:55:49,240 --> 00:55:54,840 'James had vanished. But we had just the thing to find him again.' 955 00:55:56,720 --> 00:56:03,360 The time has come, I think, to deploy the Top Gear Police Department drone of intrusiveness. 956 00:56:05,360 --> 00:56:13,070 'With its military-spec nose-mounted reconnaissance camera, it would track down May in a heartbeat.' 957 00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:14,680 Here we go. 958 00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:21,480 The drone of intrusiveness has crashed. 959 00:56:24,200 --> 00:56:29,080 'Eventually I got the drone airborne and begun the hunt for OJ May.' 960 00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:40,070 Wait a minute. 961 00:56:40,120 --> 00:56:42,880 You sneaky little... 962 00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:47,830 James was hiding in an abandoned garage bay, 963 00:56:47,880 --> 00:56:50,550 but if he thought he was safe there, 964 00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:52,920 he had another think coming. 965 00:56:57,280 --> 00:57:00,270 Welcome, everyone, to the Top Gear Police Department 966 00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:02,600 eaty thing of devastation. 967 00:57:04,840 --> 00:57:07,990 This was designed primarily for mine clearance, but in the TGPD, 968 00:57:08,040 --> 00:57:13,840 we use it in a rather different way. 969 00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:20,150 There is Constable Hammond. 970 00:57:20,200 --> 00:57:24,640 The enemy, behind that wall, no idea what is coming. 971 00:57:28,960 --> 00:57:31,270 Engaging flails! 972 00:57:31,320 --> 00:57:34,160 Flails engaged! 973 00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:40,640 I'm not sure he should be operating that thing. 974 00:57:45,320 --> 00:57:47,880 DRILLING 975 00:57:51,800 --> 00:57:52,880 Yes, look at that! 976 00:58:13,920 --> 00:58:16,030 He's not where... 977 00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:18,680 What he isn't, sir, is there. 978 00:58:21,880 --> 00:58:24,270 Situation update: in three minutes' time, 979 00:58:24,320 --> 00:58:29,120 I will have beaten Jeremy's record on the run at a reasonable speed. 980 00:58:30,320 --> 00:58:33,400 But the TGPD toy box wasn't empty yet. 981 00:58:37,240 --> 00:58:40,640 Whoa! Ha-ha-ha! 982 00:58:46,360 --> 00:58:49,510 Hello, it looks like Constable Hammond 983 00:58:49,560 --> 00:58:52,150 has got the hang of tank driving. 984 00:58:52,200 --> 00:58:55,280 The first thing you need to know is, I have an erection! 985 00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:00,270 Coming at you, James May! 986 00:59:00,320 --> 00:59:04,750 Oh, no, the Top Gear Police Department tank of righteousness is right on my tail. 987 00:59:04,800 --> 00:59:06,750 What am I going to do? 988 00:59:06,800 --> 00:59:08,960 I know. 989 00:59:12,640 --> 00:59:15,070 Easy. 990 00:59:15,120 --> 00:59:16,640 Right! 991 00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:21,440 Oh, hang on a minute. 992 00:59:23,440 --> 00:59:25,990 He's stopped, he's given up! 993 00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:27,560 LOUD EXPLOSION 994 00:59:46,160 --> 00:59:50,280 And on that bombshell... back to the studio. 995 00:59:52,520 --> 00:59:54,560 APPLAUSE 996 00:59:58,400 --> 01:00:04,150 It's interesting, an important question was raised in that film. 997 01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:08,390 Because if you have a moustache, how do you concentrate 998 01:00:08,440 --> 01:00:10,910 on doing anything other than having a moustache? 999 01:00:10,960 --> 01:00:14,590 I know, I felt like I was the life-support machine for a moustache. 1000 01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:18,390 If you're a bomb disposal man, and you have to defuse a bomb, 1001 01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:20,990 you are thinking, "I have a moustache." 1002 01:00:21,040 --> 01:00:26,270 How did Nigel Mansell win a Formula One world championship? I know! 1003 01:00:26,320 --> 01:00:28,270 You don't have a moustache, sir, 1004 01:00:28,320 --> 01:00:31,070 but let me show you what it's like to have one. 1005 01:00:31,120 --> 01:00:35,670 It's like that. What do you do for a living? Transport manager. 1006 01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:38,550 You couldn't be a transport manager if I was doing that to you. 1007 01:00:38,600 --> 01:00:40,200 LAUGHTER 1008 01:00:43,800 --> 01:00:47,550 Anyway, we must get on because I have received a text - 1009 01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:51,030 the results of the car evasion challenge. 1010 01:00:51,080 --> 01:00:55,230 Jeremy Clarkson, 14 hours 22 minutes. Richard Hammock... 1011 01:00:55,280 --> 01:00:56,990 Autocorrect again? 1012 01:00:57,040 --> 01:00:59,630 Yes. Eight seconds. Thank you. 1013 01:00:59,680 --> 01:01:03,390 James May, 14 hours, 21 minutes. 1014 01:01:03,440 --> 01:01:05,870 Oh, blast! There you are. 1015 01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:08,670 Hang on, so the Fiesta won the supermarket sweep, 1016 01:01:08,720 --> 01:01:10,750 the Golf won the police chase 1017 01:01:10,800 --> 01:01:12,870 and the Nova won the hill climb. 1018 01:01:12,920 --> 01:01:16,590 That means that each of the cars is a winner. Precisely. 1019 01:01:16,640 --> 01:01:19,510 Which means that the older hot hatchback 1020 01:01:19,560 --> 01:01:21,670 is better than the modern one. 1021 01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:26,430 Which means we were right, and on that bombshell, it's time to end. 1022 01:01:26,480 --> 01:01:29,230 Thank you very much for watching. Good night! 1023 01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:30,920 APPLAUSE