1 00:00:00,969 --> 00:00:04,031 CYRIL: And so, if I could direct your attention to these 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,404 visual aids... you will see that from our 3 00:00:06,406 --> 00:00:10,208 initial supply of 1,000 kilos of cocaine, we... 4 00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:12,293 ARCHER: Hang on, dummy, we had a ton of cocaine. 5 00:00:12,295 --> 00:00:16,097 CYRIL: No, we... Well, we had a tonne, T-O-N-N-E, also known 6 00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:18,383 as a metric ton, but... MALORY: (scoffs) Metric. 7 00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:20,385 Who uses metric? LANA: Every single country on 8 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:22,387 the planet except for us, Liberia and Burma. 9 00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:24,188 ARCHER: Wow, really? LANA: Yup. 10 00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:26,190 ARCHER: 'Cause you never think of those other two as 11 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,192 having their shit together. CYRIL: Anyway, as you can 12 00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,310 see... MALORY: Why are they 13 00:00:29,312 --> 00:00:30,611 thermometers? (Cyril sighs) 14 00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:32,280 PAM: I thought they were cocks. 15 00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:35,116 ARCHER: Wait, they're not? CYRIL: No... they... are... 16 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:38,236 not... cocks! RON: Okay! Jesus, you people. 17 00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,238 Next time, remind me to get shot in the head. 18 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,240 ARCHER: Uh, Ron, next time, get shot in the head. 19 00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:44,375 MALORY: Sterling, shut up. Cyril, continue. 20 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,495 CYRIL (sighs): So, as you can see, we are already down to 125 21 00:00:47,497 --> 00:00:52,216 kilos of cocaine, which was worth about $6 million, so... 22 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:54,218 ARCHER: And, wait, how much is that in pounds? 23 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,287 CYRIL: Forget pounds! We're doing kilos! 24 00:00:56,289 --> 00:00:58,139 ARCHER: No, I meant pounds... MALORY: Sterling! 25 00:00:58,141 --> 00:01:00,291 ARCHER: Exactly. As in Doctor Who money. 26 00:01:00,293 --> 00:01:02,427 MALORY: How do you stand there and crack wise when this 27 00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:05,096 is all your fault? ARCHER: My fault? 28 00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:08,182 I only lost 44.092 pounds of it, mother. 29 00:01:08,184 --> 00:01:11,436 It's Pam's fault we had to give the Yakuza 100 kilos. 30 00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:15,106 And this other five-- spoiler alert-- she ate! 31 00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,308 LANA: Yeah, and would now be a good time to talk about Pam's 32 00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:19,444 cocaine addiction? PAM: Or the inspiring story 33 00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:23,197 of her heroic struggle to finally triumph over it? 34 00:01:23,199 --> 00:01:25,366 LANA: What are you eating? PAM (mouth full): Yogurt! 35 00:01:25,368 --> 00:01:27,318 (grunting) MALORY: Give me that! 36 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,153 PAM: Hey! MALORY: Lick it. 37 00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:32,290 ARCHER: (groans) Well, can't unhear that. 38 00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:35,460 Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?! 39 00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:38,179 LANA: How have you never tried yogurt? 40 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,181 ARCHER: Mmm, I didn't know it was that good. 41 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:42,183 MALORY: It's good because it's cocaine! 42 00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:44,335 ARCHER (gasps): Oh, my God. And little kids eat it? 43 00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:46,337 MALORY: Cyril, you said it was locked up. 44 00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:48,339 CYRIL: It is. In the cage in the pantry. 45 00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:50,341 MALORY: Then how did she get it? 46 00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:51,526 (Pam whistling) 47 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:58,483 That is it! You're going to rehab. 48 00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:01,319 PAM: What?! No, I can't! And you can't make me! 49 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,321 ARCHER: Yeah, is that even necessary? 50 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:05,323 I think she's in a pretty good place. 51 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,325 MALORY: She's going and that's final, and... 52 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:09,460 PAM: I swear to God, if you send me to freakin' rehab, I'll 53 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,462 go right to the cops! LANA: What?! 54 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:14,382 ARCHER: Oh, come on. MALORY: You wouldn't dare. 55 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:17,218 PAM (laughing): Oh, yeah?! Just try... 56 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:20,388 (clang) LANA: Goddamn, Woodhouse. 57 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:23,424 WOODHOUSE: Only thing for a grass, mum. 58 00:02:23,426 --> 00:02:28,688 And, sir, I'm afraid your breakfast will be four minutes late. 59 00:02:28,808 --> 00:02:30,381 ARCHER (groans): Typical. 60 00:02:56,495 --> 00:03:07,150 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 61 00:03:08,885 --> 00:03:11,112 ARCHER: What are you doing? Come on. Tighter. 62 00:03:11,352 --> 00:03:13,352 LANA: Oh, for the... That's tight enough-- we're not making 63 00:03:13,472 --> 00:03:15,458 tit bondage porn. ARCHER: That's a thing? 64 00:03:15,584 --> 00:03:17,051 CYRIL: Oh, yeah. (Malory groans) 65 00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:18,886 ARCHER: Ditto. I just don't want her to escape. 66 00:03:18,888 --> 00:03:21,538 You know how strong she is. Might as well be green and 67 00:03:21,540 --> 00:03:23,540 half-deaf. LANA: What if we move the 68 00:03:23,542 --> 00:03:25,642 coke and lock her in the cage till she's clean? 69 00:03:25,644 --> 00:03:27,644 ARCHER: Hey, yeah, sweat it out, like Popeye Doyle. 70 00:03:27,646 --> 00:03:29,563 How long would that take? LANA: I don't know. 71 00:03:29,565 --> 00:03:31,565 Couple of weeks? MALORY: Try couple of never. 72 00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:34,551 This is Pam we're talking about, the poster child for addictive 73 00:03:34,553 --> 00:03:38,572 personality. What is wrong with you? 74 00:03:38,574 --> 00:03:41,575 ARCHER (crying): I learned it by watching you. 75 00:03:41,577 --> 00:03:44,661 Oh, my God. LANA: Yeah, spoiler alert. 76 00:03:44,663 --> 00:03:47,581 So, what do you suggest we do? MALORY (gasps): We throw her 77 00:03:47,583 --> 00:03:49,917 a party. With an enormous cake! 78 00:03:49,919 --> 00:03:52,703 Cyril, can we spare another five pounds of cocaine? 79 00:03:52,705 --> 00:03:55,739 LANA: Malory! MALORY: 2.27 kilograms, then! 80 00:03:55,741 --> 00:03:57,741 Who are you, Thomas Corwin Mendenhall? 81 00:03:57,743 --> 00:04:00,511 ARCHER: Right? LANA: We're not killing Pam! 82 00:04:00,513 --> 00:04:02,513 CHERYL/CAROL: Wait, what? RON: Jesus. Oh, come on in. 83 00:04:02,515 --> 00:04:04,515 Make some more noise. CHERYL/CAROL: Just 'cause 84 00:04:04,517 --> 00:04:06,517 now you're the fat one? LANA: Um, I said we were not 85 00:04:06,519 --> 00:04:08,519 killing her. CHERYL/CAROL: Oh. 86 00:04:08,521 --> 00:04:10,521 LANA: And, also, this is a baby. 87 00:04:10,523 --> 00:04:11,855 CHERYL/CAROL: Ew! LANA: A baby, by the way, 88 00:04:11,857 --> 00:04:14,608 that I did not eat but to which I will give birth. 89 00:04:14,610 --> 00:04:16,693 CHERYL/CAROL: Ew! ARCHER (chuckles): Right? 90 00:04:16,695 --> 00:04:18,695 MALORY: Well, if she won't go to rehab and you won't let her 91 00:04:18,697 --> 00:04:20,864 die with dignity... LANA: From an overdose of 92 00:04:20,866 --> 00:04:23,534 cocaine cake?! MALORY: Oh, please. 93 00:04:23,536 --> 00:04:26,620 Change the word "cocaine" to "Cookie Puss" and that's how her 94 00:04:26,622 --> 00:04:28,622 obituary was going to read anyway. 95 00:04:28,624 --> 00:04:30,624 LANA: What the... KRIEGER: I may have a simply 96 00:04:30,626 --> 00:04:32,626 elegant solution. LANA: Krieger. 97 00:04:32,628 --> 00:04:34,711 KRIEGER: Right? This place is like a Habitrail-- 98 00:04:34,713 --> 00:04:36,914 there are secret passages everywhere. 99 00:04:36,916 --> 00:04:38,916 CHERYL/CAROL: I think that's why the colored maids never felt 100 00:04:38,918 --> 00:04:41,802 safe. They'd be polishing a spittoon 101 00:04:41,804 --> 00:04:43,887 or whatever and suddenly... Grandpa. 102 00:04:43,889 --> 00:04:45,923 (others gasp) Yeah. And dressed up like a 103 00:04:45,925 --> 00:04:47,925 ghost? LANA: What is it with your 104 00:04:47,927 --> 00:04:50,644 family wearing ghost costumes to scare black people? 105 00:04:50,646 --> 00:04:52,813 CHERYL/CAROL: What is it with you people making tit bondage 106 00:04:52,815 --> 00:04:56,483 pornos in my ancestral home?! KRIEGER: Ah, einige 107 00:04:56,485 --> 00:04:58,769 Tittenfreude, huh? CYRIL: Ooh, ja. 108 00:04:58,771 --> 00:05:00,821 MALORY: So what's all this about a solution? 109 00:05:00,823 --> 00:05:02,856 KRIEGER: Aha! Yes. And what is on my finger, you 110 00:05:02,858 --> 00:05:04,858 ask? LANA: I promise you no one is 111 00:05:04,860 --> 00:05:06,860 asking that. KRIEGER: Well, they should 112 00:05:06,862 --> 00:05:09,830 because this nearly microscopic, wittle-bitty guy is my new and 113 00:05:09,832 --> 00:05:12,833 improved mind control chip. ARCHER: Improved? 114 00:05:12,835 --> 00:05:15,836 On the one that made Len Trexler think he was a giant lettuce? 115 00:05:15,838 --> 00:05:18,589 MALORY (gasps): Len Trexler... 116 00:05:18,591 --> 00:05:20,674 RON: Who the hell is Len Trexler? 117 00:05:20,676 --> 00:05:23,510 MALORY: Never heard of him. KRIEGER: It's way improved, 118 00:05:23,512 --> 00:05:25,596 and look how tiny. I don't even need a drill-- I 119 00:05:25,598 --> 00:05:27,664 can inject it right through the temple. 120 00:05:27,666 --> 00:05:29,666 PAM: Wait, what are we doing? ARCHER: Stabbing science into 121 00:05:29,668 --> 00:05:31,518 your brain. PAM: What?! 122 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,520 MALORY: It's for your own good, dear. 123 00:05:33,522 --> 00:05:35,772 ARCHER: Yeah, so you don't wind up giving blow jobs in a 124 00:05:35,774 --> 00:05:38,859 bus station toilet. But for cocaine. 125 00:05:38,861 --> 00:05:41,845 PAM: No! Let me go! (growling) 126 00:05:41,847 --> 00:05:44,615 MALORY: Krieger, do you think a chip could cure someone of 127 00:05:44,617 --> 00:05:46,617 stage fright? CHERYL/CAROL (gasps): No way! 128 00:05:46,619 --> 00:05:47,851 Noop! MALORY: But you could be 129 00:05:47,853 --> 00:05:49,653 famous. CHERYL/CAROL: I could be 130 00:05:49,655 --> 00:05:50,854 lettuce! MALORY: Now, you listen to 131 00:05:50,856 --> 00:05:53,523 me, missy. You are getting a brain chip, 132 00:05:53,525 --> 00:05:56,543 and then you're going on the Grand Old Opera, and I don't 133 00:05:56,545 --> 00:05:58,662 care if it kills you be... (screams) 134 00:05:58,664 --> 00:06:00,664 (Pam roars) LANA: Pam, honey, just calm 135 00:06:00,666 --> 00:06:02,799 down! (Pam growls) 136 00:06:02,801 --> 00:06:04,801 MALORY: Somebody do something! 137 00:06:04,803 --> 00:06:07,838 CYRIL: Nobody do anything! ARCHER: Lana... 138 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,873 (Pam growls) Lana! 139 00:06:09,875 --> 00:06:11,875 LANA: Krieger! KRIEGER: Yeah, I'm on it. 140 00:06:11,877 --> 00:06:14,595 MALORY: Ow! Idiot. 141 00:06:14,597 --> 00:06:17,814 (Cheryl/Carol screams) (Pam growls) 142 00:06:17,816 --> 00:06:20,684 LANA: Pam! ARCHER: Lana...! 143 00:06:20,686 --> 00:06:22,819 CHERYL/CAROL: This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy 144 00:06:22,821 --> 00:06:28,558 woman said...! ARCHER: Lana. 145 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,744 LANA: What?! God shit damn it, Archer, what?! 146 00:06:30,746 --> 00:06:33,614 ARCHER: Um, never mind. LANA: Archer, I s... 147 00:06:33,616 --> 00:06:35,616 ARCHER: The last thing you need right now is a big, 148 00:06:35,618 --> 00:06:37,784 shit-eating "I told you so." (Lana groans) 149 00:06:37,786 --> 00:06:39,903 MALORY: But it's exactly what you deserve. 150 00:06:39,905 --> 00:06:43,590 And, Krieger, I hope you have a lot more where this came from 151 00:06:43,592 --> 00:06:45,759 because... LANA: Super. 152 00:06:45,761 --> 00:06:47,878 Hunting women to force them to have surgery against their will. 153 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:49,913 MALORY: It's for Pam's own good. 154 00:06:49,915 --> 00:06:51,915 She'll die if she doesn't quit eating cocaine. 155 00:06:51,917 --> 00:06:54,551 LANA: And who's gonna die if you don't get rich managing 156 00:06:54,553 --> 00:06:56,637 Cheryl's singing career? MALORY: Maybe you. 157 00:06:56,639 --> 00:06:58,639 Now, get out there and have some fun! 158 00:06:58,641 --> 00:07:00,641 ARCHER: How could we not? (Woodhouse clears throat) 159 00:07:00,643 --> 00:07:02,643 Woodhouse, I swear to God, if you tell me lunch is four 160 00:07:02,645 --> 00:07:04,645 minutes late... WOODHOUSE: No, sir. 161 00:07:04,647 --> 00:07:08,782 There's a Mr. Holly here. Sorry, an Agent Holly. 162 00:07:08,784 --> 00:07:12,619 From the FBI. (others gasp, groan) 163 00:07:12,621 --> 00:07:16,623 ARCHER: But lunch is still a firm twelve. 164 00:07:16,625 --> 00:07:19,660 (chuckles) Firm twelve. 165 00:07:19,662 --> 00:07:24,781 You know, as in inches? Jesus, .3048 meters. 166 00:07:24,783 --> 00:07:27,179 Hi. Welcome to Nazi Canada! 167 00:07:27,299 --> 00:07:30,787 (gagging sounds) Eh? 168 00:07:34,131 --> 00:07:37,698 MALORY: Why is the FBI here? CYRIL: Did he show you a warrant? 169 00:07:37,938 --> 00:07:39,346 WOODHOUSE: No, sir, he... 170 00:07:39,466 --> 00:07:40,946 CYRIL: Then tell him to go piss off-- he can't come inside 171 00:07:40,962 --> 00:07:42,678 without a warrant. WOODHOUSE: He... 172 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,160 CYRIL: Well, unless you invite him in. 173 00:07:44,252 --> 00:07:46,285 ARCHER (groans): He's not a vampire, idiot. 174 00:07:46,287 --> 00:07:47,503 CYRIL: If... ARCHER: Plus it's daytime. 175 00:07:47,505 --> 00:07:50,339 CYRIL: If invited in, law enforcement can enter your home 176 00:07:50,341 --> 00:07:52,375 without a warrant. Once inside, under the doctrine 177 00:07:52,377 --> 00:07:55,461 of "plain view," anything illegal-- say, a truckload of 178 00:07:55,463 --> 00:07:58,464 cocaine in the kitchen-- can be lawfully seized as evidence. 179 00:07:58,466 --> 00:08:01,267 They can also enter a private residence under any number of 180 00:08:01,269 --> 00:08:03,469 exigent circumstances, like providing emergency assistance 181 00:08:03,471 --> 00:08:06,338 to an occupant, say, if they heard someone screaming... 182 00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:08,274 (Malory screams) (others gasp) 183 00:08:08,276 --> 00:08:11,477 HOLLY: Good morning. CYRIL: No, sir, good day. 184 00:08:11,479 --> 00:08:14,480 I insist that you leave immediately, as you have entered 185 00:08:14,482 --> 00:08:17,316 this residence unlawfully. HOLLY: Uh, you want to jump 186 00:08:17,318 --> 00:08:19,485 in here, Yoda's dad? WOODHOUSE: I invited him in. 187 00:08:19,487 --> 00:08:21,520 MALORY: Woodhouse! HOLLY: And once you do that, 188 00:08:21,522 --> 00:08:25,190 you know, we are in. Not unlike vampires. 189 00:08:25,192 --> 00:08:26,659 ARCHER: See? CYRIL: What? 190 00:08:26,661 --> 00:08:28,461 MALORY: Be that as it may, why are you here? 191 00:08:28,463 --> 00:08:30,529 HOLLY: Oh, just checking in, making sure you folks aren't 192 00:08:30,531 --> 00:08:33,299 engaging in treason, espionage or anything else illegal. 193 00:08:33,301 --> 00:08:34,584 MALORY: Well, I can assure you... 194 00:08:34,586 --> 00:08:36,302 HOLLY: Like drugs. MALORY: Hmm? 195 00:08:36,304 --> 00:08:37,386 HOLLY: Cocaine? MALORY: Nope. 196 00:08:37,388 --> 00:08:38,721 HOLLY: Yakuza? MALORY: Mm-mm. 197 00:08:38,723 --> 00:08:40,205 HOLLY: Shootout? MALORY: Noop. 198 00:08:40,207 --> 00:08:41,641 HOLLY: No one here was shot by the Yakuza? 199 00:08:41,643 --> 00:08:43,392 MALORY (chuckling): Well, I think we'd remember that. 200 00:08:43,394 --> 00:08:45,210 HOLLY: Then what's his problem? 201 00:08:45,212 --> 00:08:46,345 LANA: Vasectomy. CYRIL: Piles. 202 00:08:46,347 --> 00:08:47,379 ARCHER: Gout. CYRIL: Mumps. 203 00:08:47,381 --> 00:08:49,232 ARCHER: Goutmumps? KRIEGER: Progeria! (sniffles) 204 00:08:49,234 --> 00:08:51,350 He's just a little boy. CYRIL: But whatever is wrong 205 00:08:51,352 --> 00:08:52,401 with him... ARCHER: Goutmumps. 206 00:08:52,403 --> 00:08:54,403 CYRIL: ...is none of your business, and since nothing in 207 00:08:54,405 --> 00:08:56,522 plain view would lead a reasonable person to suspect 208 00:08:56,524 --> 00:08:58,524 illegal activity, I demand that you... 209 00:08:58,526 --> 00:09:01,410 (Gillette screams) HOLLY: Nobody move! 210 00:09:01,412 --> 00:09:03,412 MALORY: Well?! CYRIL (sighs): They can also 211 00:09:03,414 --> 00:09:06,231 do what's known as a... HOLLY: Protective sweep...! 212 00:09:06,233 --> 00:09:08,400 CYRIL: Case law regarding search-and-seizure is actually 213 00:09:08,402 --> 00:09:11,370 quite interesting... MALORY: What... about... the 214 00:09:11,372 --> 00:09:13,372 cocaine? (Cyril speaking indistinctly) 215 00:09:13,374 --> 00:09:15,374 CYRIL: ...admissible as evidence but only if he sees 216 00:09:15,376 --> 00:09:17,376 it. MALORY: So we have to 217 00:09:17,378 --> 00:09:19,462 keep him out of the kitchen. All right, fan out! 218 00:09:19,464 --> 00:09:21,547 Agent Holly is the prime target, but... 219 00:09:21,549 --> 00:09:23,549 LANA: So, just so we're clear, you want us to 220 00:09:23,551 --> 00:09:26,352 tranquilize a federal agent. MALORY: Do you have a better 221 00:09:26,354 --> 00:09:28,420 idea? LANA: I do not. 222 00:09:28,422 --> 00:09:30,523 MALORY: Then we just slap some panties and rouge on him, 223 00:09:30,525 --> 00:09:33,392 pose him with Gillette-- whose fault this is!-- make some 224 00:09:33,394 --> 00:09:35,394 glossy 8x10s... KRIEGER: I'll do it! 225 00:09:35,396 --> 00:09:37,396 I have a camera! Dibs! MALORY: And then I doubt 226 00:09:37,398 --> 00:09:39,398 we'll be hearing from Agent Holly in the future. 227 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,400 CYRIL: Or you could pose him with Woodhouse. 228 00:09:41,402 --> 00:09:43,402 WOODHOUSE: What? KRIEGER (chuckles): God 229 00:09:43,404 --> 00:09:45,404 knows he's a little GILF. (others groan) 230 00:09:45,406 --> 00:09:47,406 ARCHER: That's a thing?! CYRIL: How do you not know 231 00:09:47,408 --> 00:09:50,209 the different kinds of porn? ARCHER: Because I have sex 232 00:09:50,211 --> 00:09:52,495 with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts 233 00:09:52,497 --> 00:09:56,582 the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing and a sock! 234 00:09:56,584 --> 00:09:58,584 MALORY: Tell that to your cellmate! 235 00:09:58,586 --> 00:10:00,586 Now, go! GILLETTE (slurred): You 236 00:10:00,588 --> 00:10:03,255 scared the shit out of me! CHERYL/CAROL (groans): What, 237 00:10:03,257 --> 00:10:05,257 literally? PAM: Seriously, dude, what is 238 00:10:05,259 --> 00:10:07,259 up with you? GILLETTE (sniffles): I could 239 00:10:07,261 --> 00:10:10,262 walk, and now I can't, and ain't nobody loves ol' Ray no more. 240 00:10:10,264 --> 00:10:12,264 (crying) CHERYL/CAROL: Well, yeah, 241 00:10:12,266 --> 00:10:15,434 you're disgusting. But, you, I am totally digging 242 00:10:15,436 --> 00:10:18,470 this whole Queen Kong vibe. (Pam growls) 243 00:10:18,472 --> 00:10:21,524 (Gillette sobbing) HOLLY: My God, are they... 244 00:10:21,526 --> 00:10:24,309 torturing a woman? Hang on, ma'am! 245 00:10:24,311 --> 00:10:26,362 I'm a federal agent, and I'm coming! 246 00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:28,447 By God, I am coming! LANA: Okay, you three head 247 00:10:28,449 --> 00:10:30,616 upstairs... ARCHER: Hang on. 248 00:10:30,618 --> 00:10:32,618 LANA: I'm going to the kitchen to make sure he doesn't 249 00:10:32,620 --> 00:10:34,620 stumble onto the coke. ARCHER: Hang on. 250 00:10:34,622 --> 00:10:36,622 LANA: What? ARCHER: Question. 251 00:10:36,624 --> 00:10:38,624 LANA: What? ARCHER: Are we not saying 252 00:10:38,626 --> 00:10:40,626 "phrasing" anymore? Which, that's fine, whatever, 253 00:10:40,628 --> 00:10:43,495 but if we're doing a new thing and nobody told me-- that I'd 254 00:10:43,497 --> 00:10:48,184 have a problem with. HOLLY: Oh, screw me! 255 00:10:48,186 --> 00:10:50,386 ARCHER: Said Ripley to the android Bishop. 256 00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:54,357 Wait, hang on. Um... Goddamn it! 257 00:10:54,359 --> 00:10:56,525 What was wrong with "phrasing"?! GILLETTE: Nothing! 258 00:10:56,527 --> 00:10:59,311 I'm fine. Just get out, leave me alone! 259 00:10:59,313 --> 00:11:01,480 HOLLY: I just need to be sure you're not being held here 260 00:11:01,482 --> 00:11:06,235 against your... That is a federal offense! 261 00:11:06,237 --> 00:11:08,404 GILLETTE: I said, get out...! KRIEGER: Oh, hey, remind me 262 00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:11,240 to reboot the CPU in Ray's spine so he can walk again. 263 00:11:11,242 --> 00:11:13,409 CYRIL: What? A reboot-- that's all it takes?! 264 00:11:13,411 --> 00:11:15,578 KRIEGER: Beep boop. CYRIL: He's been paralyzed 265 00:11:15,580 --> 00:11:18,247 for months. What the hell have you been 266 00:11:18,249 --> 00:11:20,416 waiting for?! KRIEGER: Yeah, but think how 267 00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:22,534 much happier he'll be now. LANA: Or-- and I'm just 268 00:11:22,536 --> 00:11:25,370 spitballin' here-- I find Holly first, show him the coke, get 269 00:11:25,372 --> 00:11:29,258 immunity, testify against them, then you and I go into witness 270 00:11:29,260 --> 00:11:32,595 protection and spend the rest of our miserable lives on the run, 271 00:11:32,597 --> 00:11:35,380 hounded by the fact that we betrayed our friends. 272 00:11:35,382 --> 00:11:37,549 Ugh! Or I get arrested and give birth 273 00:11:37,551 --> 00:11:40,269 in a supermax prison and... Oh, wait. 274 00:11:40,271 --> 00:11:42,438 Does the baby grow up in prison, or...? 275 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,608 WOODHOUSE: Oh. Hello, old friend. 276 00:11:45,610 --> 00:11:48,393 LANA: What the shit, Archer?! ARCHER: Hang on. 277 00:11:48,395 --> 00:11:50,562 I knew you'd shoot without looking. 278 00:11:50,564 --> 00:11:53,232 LANA: Oh, really, you know me that well?! 279 00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,234 ARCHER: Uh, well enough to know you're down here wondering 280 00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:57,336 if witness protection ever sends people to the Virgin Islands. 281 00:11:57,338 --> 00:11:59,505 LANA: Well, in case you'd forgotten, I have an unborn 282 00:11:59,507 --> 00:12:02,241 child to think about! ARCHER: Jesus Christ, Lana, 283 00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:04,409 who can forget? It's baby this, baby that. 284 00:12:04,411 --> 00:12:07,430 LANA: Aw, Baby Archer, who's a jeawous baby? 285 00:12:07,432 --> 00:12:09,581 ARCHER: What?! Holy shit, do you have anemia? 286 00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:12,351 LANA: No, I... ARCHER: Uh, edema, 287 00:12:12,353 --> 00:12:15,354 hypertension, preeclampsia, Braxton-Hicks contractions, 288 00:12:15,356 --> 00:12:17,523 pica?! LANA: I... 289 00:12:17,525 --> 00:12:20,259 ARCHER: GERD?! Lana, do you have GERD?! 290 00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:22,427 (Lana clears her throat) LANA: How do you know about 291 00:12:22,429 --> 00:12:24,596 the various possible complications of pregnancy? 292 00:12:24,598 --> 00:12:27,316 Archer? ARCHER: Maybe I looked it up. 293 00:12:27,318 --> 00:12:29,485 LANA: Why? ARCHER: I was concerned about 294 00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:32,271 you. Blow me! 295 00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,439 LANA: Just making sure you're not into preggo porn. 296 00:12:34,441 --> 00:12:36,608 ARCHER: Oh, goddamn it! That can't be a thing! 297 00:12:36,610 --> 00:12:39,578 LANA: It is absolutely a thing, and do you just not have 298 00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:42,331 the Internet, or...? ARCHER: I have Minitel, okay? 299 00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:45,551 LANA: A: not the Internet, B: only works in... 300 00:12:45,553 --> 00:12:48,554 ARCHER: France, Lana. Oui, maintenant je sais! 301 00:12:48,556 --> 00:12:51,390 LANA: Okay, um, thanks for your concern, and I don't know 302 00:12:51,392 --> 00:12:53,476 what you think you heard about witness protection, but... 303 00:12:53,478 --> 00:12:56,479 ARCHER: They don't make babies grow up in prison, Lana. 304 00:12:56,481 --> 00:12:59,231 LANA: Yeah, right? ARCHER: They take them away 305 00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:01,400 the minute they're born and send them to an orphanage. 306 00:13:01,402 --> 00:13:03,569 LANA: No, not the minute they're... 307 00:13:03,571 --> 00:13:06,305 ARCHER: That very minute, Lana! 308 00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,473 They don't even dry them off! (Lana cries) 309 00:13:08,475 --> 00:13:11,243 So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a 310 00:13:11,245 --> 00:13:13,412 chance. LANA: But-but, Archer, I... 311 00:13:13,414 --> 00:13:17,249 ARCHER: I'd also waste five precious minutes of my head 312 00:13:17,251 --> 00:13:20,485 start in the race to freedom giving that swell guy Archer a 313 00:13:20,487 --> 00:13:23,255 combination good-bye/thank-you blow job. 314 00:13:23,257 --> 00:13:28,260 (Lana cries) (Lana laughs) 315 00:13:28,262 --> 00:13:30,329 LANA: Asshole. ARCHER: Yeah, or a rim job. 316 00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:32,497 What do you care? You're never gonna see him 317 00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:35,267 again. LANA: I can't. 318 00:13:35,269 --> 00:13:37,436 ARCHER: I know. I was kidding, stupid. 319 00:13:37,438 --> 00:13:39,605 LANA: I mean I can't leave you, stupid! 320 00:13:39,607 --> 00:13:42,358 (loud knocking) HOLLY: This is the FBI! 321 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:46,345 Open this door! ARCHER: Well, not now... 322 00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:48,447 stupid. And so, wait. 323 00:13:48,449 --> 00:13:51,200 Where did we land on that blow job? 324 00:13:51,202 --> 00:13:52,651 Sorry, rim job. 325 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,427 HOLLY: Do you hear me?! Open this door! 326 00:13:58,075 --> 00:14:01,943 Obstructing... a federal agent... is a felony... 327 00:14:01,945 --> 00:14:04,079 punishable... Ow! 328 00:14:04,081 --> 00:14:06,865 ...by up to 20 years imprisonment, if said 329 00:14:06,867 --> 00:14:09,734 obstruction results in the bodily injury of said agent, 330 00:14:09,736 --> 00:14:12,003 which I think may have just happened to said agent's-- ow!-- 331 00:14:12,005 --> 00:14:14,756 rotator cuff. Aah! 332 00:14:14,758 --> 00:14:16,925 LANA: 20 years?! ARCHER: Lana, look at all 333 00:14:16,927 --> 00:14:19,044 that coke! 20 years is just gonna be the 334 00:14:19,046 --> 00:14:21,046 Bac-Os on our prison salad. Besides, technically, Woodhouse 335 00:14:21,048 --> 00:14:23,765 is the one obstructing. LANA: Archer! 336 00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,767 ARCHER: Relax. They don't send people that old to prison. 337 00:14:25,769 --> 00:14:27,936 It costs, like, two grand a day just to keep them alive. 338 00:14:27,938 --> 00:14:30,105 LANA: I'm talking about us! ARCHER: Hmm. I don't know. 339 00:14:30,107 --> 00:14:32,891 A hundred bucks? Depends who you ask, Lana. 340 00:14:32,893 --> 00:14:35,060 Liberals say this much, conservatives say this much... 341 00:14:35,062 --> 00:14:37,112 LANA: So, now you're just dicking around? 342 00:14:37,114 --> 00:14:39,898 ARCHER: Yes. LANA: Between the FBI and a 343 00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:41,983 ton of cocaine. ARCHER: Yes. 344 00:14:41,985 --> 00:14:44,736 LANA: So, can I assume you have a plan? 345 00:14:44,738 --> 00:14:46,905 ARCHER: Yes. I mean, I don't, but you can 346 00:14:46,907 --> 00:14:49,074 assu... Ow! Ow! (Holly grunts) 347 00:14:49,076 --> 00:14:51,826 Ow! Ow! Ow! (Holly groans) 348 00:14:51,828 --> 00:14:53,995 HOLLY: I'm coming! ARCHER: Said Ripley to... Ow! 349 00:14:53,997 --> 00:14:56,748 Goddamn it, woman! CHERYL/CAROL: Come on! 350 00:14:56,750 --> 00:15:00,952 Why are you slowing down?! PAM: Need... got to... 351 00:15:00,954 --> 00:15:03,722 More cocaine. CHERYL/CAROL: So, please 352 00:15:03,724 --> 00:15:05,891 don't take this the wrong way-- because I'm loving being your 353 00:15:05,893 --> 00:15:08,059 Esmeralda-- but you may have a problem. 354 00:15:08,061 --> 00:15:10,795 And it sounds like the solution is more cocaine, so turn left up 355 00:15:10,797 --> 00:15:12,964 there. MALORY: But why are you 356 00:15:12,966 --> 00:15:15,734 leaving? They can't compel a husband and 357 00:15:15,736 --> 00:15:17,903 wife to testify against each other! 358 00:15:17,905 --> 00:15:20,071 RON: Oh, yeah? They may not have to compel me. 359 00:15:20,073 --> 00:15:22,807 (Malory gasps) MALORY: And what is that 360 00:15:22,809 --> 00:15:24,910 supposed to mean?! RON: Oh, why don't you ask 361 00:15:24,912 --> 00:15:26,978 that guy you never heard of, Len Trexler? 362 00:15:26,980 --> 00:15:29,748 MALORY: How can I? I've never heard of him. 363 00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:31,917 RON: You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass 364 00:15:31,919 --> 00:15:34,085 and held on, would you? MALORY: Ron, wait! 365 00:15:34,087 --> 00:15:37,822 RON: What?! MALORY: Well, if you insist 366 00:15:37,824 --> 00:15:41,710 on being an ass, I can't stop you, but there is the small 367 00:15:41,712 --> 00:15:43,929 matter of my putting the deed to my apartment in your name. 368 00:15:43,931 --> 00:15:47,132 (Ron laughs) RON: Ah, Ah, it's your loss! 369 00:15:47,134 --> 00:15:49,901 I'll mail you your furs. (Malory gasps) 370 00:15:49,903 --> 00:15:52,771 MALORY: Don't you dare! At the very least, I insist on a 371 00:15:52,773 --> 00:15:54,940 bonded courier! Ron?! 372 00:15:54,942 --> 00:15:57,108 (Holly grunts) ARCHER: Ow! 373 00:15:57,110 --> 00:15:59,844 Lana, cut it... Ow! Ow! (Holly groans) 374 00:15:59,846 --> 00:16:01,947 ARCHER: Ow! Ow! HOLLY: What's this door made 375 00:16:01,949 --> 00:16:04,115 out of, mithril? ARCHER: Ow! 376 00:16:04,117 --> 00:16:06,785 LANA: Just once, why can't you take... 377 00:16:06,787 --> 00:16:08,853 ARCHER: Ow! LANA: ...anything seriously 378 00:16:08,855 --> 00:16:10,956 just once? ARCHER: Ow! I was serious 379 00:16:10,958 --> 00:16:13,124 about that rim jo... Ow! Seriously, please stop hitting 380 00:16:13,126 --> 00:16:15,860 me. What the...? 381 00:16:15,862 --> 00:16:18,029 CYRIL: Oh, thank God! LANA: Cyril? Wait. 382 00:16:18,031 --> 00:16:20,165 How did you...? KRIEGER: This house is 383 00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:22,867 insane. CYRIL: And scary, and gross, 384 00:16:22,869 --> 00:16:24,936 and I'm pretty sure I smelled a skeleton. 385 00:16:24,938 --> 00:16:26,938 KRIEGER: No, you definitely smelled a skeleton. 386 00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:28,940 LANA: Well, this is great! CYRIL: How?! 387 00:16:28,942 --> 00:16:30,942 I inhaled skeleton! LANA: Because now the coke... 388 00:16:30,944 --> 00:16:32,944 (loud sounds of eating) ...is getting eaten by Pam! 389 00:16:32,946 --> 00:16:35,046 Quick, make the wall spin around again! 390 00:16:35,048 --> 00:16:37,115 CYRIL: It just kind of spun by itself! 391 00:16:37,117 --> 00:16:39,117 ARCHER: Jesus Christ, have you people never even heard of 392 00:16:39,119 --> 00:16:41,820 Scooby-Doo? KRIEGER: Oh, come on! 393 00:16:41,822 --> 00:16:43,989 LANA: Of course. CHERYL/CAROL: Uh... Pam? 394 00:16:43,991 --> 00:16:46,825 (Pam roaring) PAM: Aw, crap. 395 00:16:46,827 --> 00:16:54,816 (Pam grunting) (Cheryl/Carol laughing loudly) 396 00:16:54,818 --> 00:16:56,985 (gasps, sad roar) ARCHER (laughing): Oh, my 397 00:16:56,987 --> 00:16:59,137 God. That's so freakin' unsafe. 398 00:16:59,139 --> 00:17:01,823 LANA: Okay, Krieger, Cyril, get in there, and we'll spin you 399 00:17:01,825 --> 00:17:03,825 back around. Archer... CYRIL: Why do I have to go 400 00:17:03,827 --> 00:17:05,910 back in there?! LANA: Because I said so! 401 00:17:05,912 --> 00:17:08,079 KRIEGER: Yeah, plus skeletons? 402 00:17:08,081 --> 00:17:10,832 LANA: Archer? ARCHER: Got it. 403 00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:12,917 LANA: Oh! Goddamn it! KRIEGER: Ooh! 404 00:17:12,919 --> 00:17:15,086 CYRIL: Goddamn it. ARCHER: Godspeed, you 405 00:17:15,088 --> 00:17:17,155 meddling kids. WOODHOUSE (moaning): And sir, 406 00:17:17,157 --> 00:17:19,157 I'm afraid your breakfast will be four minutes late. 407 00:17:19,159 --> 00:17:21,843 ARCHER: Yeah, duh. I already berated you. 408 00:17:21,845 --> 00:17:23,928 LANA: Woodhouse, get away from the door! 409 00:17:23,930 --> 00:17:26,014 WOODHOUSE: Hmm? Oh! HOLLY: Goddamn it! 410 00:17:26,016 --> 00:17:27,999 Just what do you people think the letters FBI stand for? 411 00:17:28,001 --> 00:17:29,968 ARCHER: I bought a T-shirt once where it stood for "Female 412 00:17:29,970 --> 00:17:32,053 Body Inspector." God, is Myrtle Beach not the 413 00:17:32,055 --> 00:17:34,139 best? HOLLY: Pull a stunt like this 414 00:17:34,141 --> 00:17:37,008 again, you'll never make it back to Myrtle Beach. 415 00:17:37,010 --> 00:17:39,144 ARCHER: I probably wasn't going to anyway. 416 00:17:39,146 --> 00:17:41,730 Turns out it's actually not the best. 417 00:17:41,732 --> 00:17:43,848 LANA: And you actually have no right to search this house. 418 00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:46,017 As you can see, there's nothing illegal going on. 419 00:17:46,019 --> 00:17:48,820 HOLLY: Maybe not now, but I know you still have a lot of 420 00:17:48,822 --> 00:17:51,022 international contacts from your ISIS days. 421 00:17:51,024 --> 00:17:53,792 Mexico, Colombia, the Orient. I bet it wouldn't be too hard to 422 00:17:53,794 --> 00:17:55,960 get set up in the drug trade. ARCHER (laughing): Well, 423 00:17:55,962 --> 00:17:58,129 you'd be surp... Oh! LANA: We're not drug dealers, 424 00:17:58,131 --> 00:18:01,049 Agent Holly. HOLLY: Good, because I'll be 425 00:18:01,051 --> 00:18:06,004 watching you... like a hawk that's been bred with an eagle 426 00:18:06,006 --> 00:18:10,058 to produce some sort of... eagle-eyed superhawk... with a 427 00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:11,843 badge. 428 00:18:11,845 --> 00:18:18,983 LANA: So, am I crazy, or is he super weird? 429 00:18:18,985 --> 00:18:22,854 ARCHER: Oh, well, I'm torn, Lana, I really am. 430 00:18:22,856 --> 00:18:25,824 I want to say "both," but I also don't want you to stop my heart 431 00:18:25,826 --> 00:18:28,059 again, so... LANA: Who's da widdle baby? 432 00:18:28,061 --> 00:18:30,829 Who's da widdle baby? Who's da widdle baby? 433 00:18:30,831 --> 00:18:33,765 Yes, he is, widdle, little baby! CYRIL: Wait. The brain chip 434 00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:35,934 is in there? KRIEGER: I told you it was 435 00:18:35,936 --> 00:18:38,103 small. CYRIL: Said Ripley to the... 436 00:18:38,105 --> 00:18:40,805 No, doesn't work there. KRIEGER: Yeah, it's crap. 437 00:18:40,807 --> 00:18:43,708 Okay, I actually only have one brain chip, so... who's our 438 00:18:43,710 --> 00:18:46,044 lucky winner? CYRIL: Hmm. I guess we have 439 00:18:46,046 --> 00:18:48,880 to decide if we want regular lame Cheryl and a Pam who's not 440 00:18:48,882 --> 00:18:52,050 gonna overdose on cocaine and die, or potentially famous 441 00:18:52,052 --> 00:18:55,053 country singer Cheryl and a Pam who... tits. 442 00:18:55,055 --> 00:18:59,791 KRIEGER: Flip a coin? CYRIL: No. 443 00:18:59,793 --> 00:19:01,960 LANA: And, yeah, he's a weirdo, but I think Agent 444 00:19:01,962 --> 00:19:04,729 Holly's right. We do have a lot of 445 00:19:04,731 --> 00:19:06,831 international connections. ARCHER: So, I'm thinking I 446 00:19:06,833 --> 00:19:09,033 should take a trip down old Mexico way, maybe Colombia, or 447 00:19:09,035 --> 00:19:13,071 even Southeast Asia, or... Hey, where's Ron? 448 00:19:13,073 --> 00:19:15,840 MALORY: Never heard of him. LANA: Um... 449 00:19:15,842 --> 00:19:18,009 ARCHER: Lana, let it go. Jesus. 450 00:19:18,011 --> 00:19:20,745 MALORY: But maybe we should try to sell out to an 451 00:19:20,747 --> 00:19:24,816 international cartel. But let me be clear. 452 00:19:24,818 --> 00:19:26,985 You won't be gallivanting around under the pretense of work just 453 00:19:26,987 --> 00:19:29,721 to visit the fleshpots of the world. 454 00:19:29,723 --> 00:19:31,890 This isn't ISIS. ARCHER: No, I... 455 00:19:31,892 --> 00:19:34,058 MALORY: And it definitely isn't your semester abroad. 456 00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:36,828 ARCHER: What?! Come on, that's... 457 00:19:36,830 --> 00:19:38,963 Hey, I don't think we need to go into all the... 458 00:19:38,965 --> 00:19:41,733 MALORY: Cobra whiskey and ladyboys. I mean... 459 00:19:41,735 --> 00:19:43,902 LANA: Ha! ARCHER: Shut up. 460 00:19:43,904 --> 00:19:46,070 MALORY: You shut up! And Krieger? 461 00:19:46,072 --> 00:19:48,740 I trust the brain-chip implant was a success? 462 00:19:48,742 --> 00:19:50,842 KRIEGER: I think. I mean, it's in there, and she's alive. 463 00:19:50,844 --> 00:19:54,813 Now we just have to see if t were any adverse side effects. 464 00:19:54,815 --> 00:19:58,116 (loud yawning) LANA: Uh... Cheryl? 465 00:19:58,118 --> 00:20:00,885 CHERYL/CAROL: Nah, Cheryl's gone. 466 00:20:00,887 --> 00:20:04,856 I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me six 467 00:20:04,858 --> 00:20:07,926 goddamn eggs and some Carolina fries, I would personally be 468 00:20:07,928 --> 00:20:10,588 shocked-- shocked, I tell you-- if by mornin' this place ain't 469 00:20:10,708 --> 00:20:15,779 burnt to the ground. (loud yawning) 470 00:20:19,605 --> 00:20:21,840 KRIEGER: And I'm not a doctor, but... 471 00:20:21,842 --> 00:20:26,408 I mean, I'm definitely a doctor, so... no, I think we're good. 472 00:20:26,528 --> 00:20:28,114 Yup, yup, yup. 473 00:20:28,431 --> 00:20:38,827 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com