1
00:00:01,292 --> 00:00:02,559
>> CYRIL: And so, if I could
2
00:00:02,561 --> 00:00:03,560
direct your attention to these
3
00:00:03,562 --> 00:00:04,761
visual aids...
4
00:00:04,763 --> 00:00:06,229
you will see that from our
5
00:00:06,231 --> 00:00:08,565
initial supply of 1,000 kilos of
6
00:00:08,567 --> 00:00:09,733
cocaine, we...
7
00:00:09,735 --> 00:00:10,734
>> ARCHER: Hang on, dummy, we
8
00:00:10,736 --> 00:00:11,935
had a ton of cocaine.
9
00:00:11,937 --> 00:00:13,570
>> CYRIL: No, we... Well, we had
10
00:00:13,572 --> 00:00:15,439
a tonne, T-O-N-N-E, also known
11
00:00:15,441 --> 00:00:17,074
as a metric ton, but...
12
00:00:17,076 --> 00:00:18,141
>> MALORY: (scoffs) Metric.
13
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:19,142
Who uses metric?
14
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,143
>> LANA: Every single country on
15
00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,144
the planet except for us,
16
00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:22,145
Liberia and Burma.
17
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:22,980
>> ARCHER: Wow, really?
18
00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,614
>> ARCHER: 'Cause you never
19
00:00:24,616 --> 00:00:25,615
think of those other two as
20
00:00:25,617 --> 00:00:26,616
having their shit together.
21
00:00:26,618 --> 00:00:27,617
>> CYRIL: Anyway, as you can
22
00:00:27,619 --> 00:00:28,251
see...
23
00:00:28,253 --> 00:00:28,986
>> MALORY: Why are they
24
00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:29,619
thermometers?
25
00:00:29,621 --> 00:00:31,254
>> PAM: I thought they were
26
00:00:31,256 --> 00:00:32,956
>> ARCHER: Wait, they're not?
27
00:00:32,958 --> 00:00:34,491
>> CYRIL: No... they... are...
28
00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,592
not... cocks!
29
00:00:35,594 --> 00:00:37,761
>> RON: Okay! Jesus, you people.
30
00:00:37,763 --> 00:00:38,762
Next time, remind me to get shot
31
00:00:38,764 --> 00:00:39,763
in the head.
32
00:00:39,765 --> 00:00:40,764
>> ARCHER: Uh, Ron, next time,
33
00:00:40,766 --> 00:00:41,765
get shot in the head.
34
00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:42,766
>> MALORY: Sterling, shut up.
35
00:00:42,768 --> 00:00:44,101
Cyril, continue.
36
00:00:44,103 --> 00:00:45,469
>> CYRIL (sighs): So, as you can
37
00:00:45,471 --> 00:00:47,437
see, we are already down to 125
38
00:00:47,439 --> 00:00:49,606
kilos of cocaine, which was
39
00:00:49,608 --> 00:00:51,675
worth about $6 million, so...
40
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:52,676
>> ARCHER: And, wait, how much
41
00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:53,677
is that in pounds?
42
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:54,678
>> CYRIL: Forget pounds!
43
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,846
We're doing kilos!
44
00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:56,847
>> ARCHER: No, I meant pounds...
45
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:57,514
>> MALORY: Sterling!
46
00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:58,515
>> ARCHER: Exactly.
47
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,017
As in Doctor Who money.
48
00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:01,018
>> MALORY: How do you stand
49
00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:02,352
there and crack wise when this
50
00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:03,520
is all your fault?
51
00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:04,521
>> ARCHER: My fault?
52
00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,790
I only lost 44.092 pounds of it,
53
00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:07,791
mother.
54
00:01:07,793 --> 00:01:09,192
It's Pam's fault we had to give
55
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:11,361
the Yakuza 100 kilos.
56
00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:13,130
And this other five-- spoiler
57
00:01:13,132 --> 00:01:14,498
alert-- she ate!
58
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:15,866
>> LANA: Yeah, and would now be
59
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:17,034
a good time to talk about Pam's
60
00:01:17,036 --> 00:01:18,368
cocaine addiction?
61
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,369
>> PAM: Or the inspiring story
62
00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:20,837
of her heroic struggle to
63
00:01:20,839 --> 00:01:22,806
finally triumph over it?
64
00:01:22,808 --> 00:01:24,174
>> LANA: What are you eating?
65
00:01:24,176 --> 00:01:25,175
>> PAM (mouth full): Yogurt!
66
00:01:25,177 --> 00:01:26,176
(grunting)
67
00:01:26,178 --> 00:01:27,010
>> MALORY: Give me that!
68
00:01:27,012 --> 00:01:27,644
>> PAM: Hey!
69
00:01:27,646 --> 00:01:28,645
>> MALORY: Lick it.
70
00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:29,713
>> ARCHER: (groans) Well, can't
71
00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:31,982
unhear that.
72
00:01:31,984 --> 00:01:34,017
Holy shit, yogurt is amazing!
73
00:01:34,019 --> 00:01:35,352
Why have I never tried yogurt?!
74
00:01:35,354 --> 00:01:36,653
>> LANA: How have you never
75
00:01:36,655 --> 00:01:37,687
tried yogurt?
76
00:01:37,689 --> 00:01:38,722
>> ARCHER: Mmm, I didn't know it
77
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:39,723
was that good.
78
00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:40,724
>> MALORY: It's good because
79
00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:41,725
it's cocaine!
80
00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:43,060
>> ARCHER (gasps): Oh, my God.
81
00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:44,061
And little kids eat it?
82
00:01:44,063 --> 00:01:45,062
>> MALORY: Cyril, you said it
83
00:01:45,064 --> 00:01:46,063
was locked up.
84
00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:47,064
>> CYRIL: It is.
85
00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:48,065
In the cage in the pantry.
86
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:49,066
>> MALORY: Then how did she get
87
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:50,067
it?
88
00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:52,569
(Pam whistling)
89
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:57,074
That is it!
90
00:01:57,076 --> 00:01:58,375
You're going to rehab.
91
00:01:58,377 --> 00:02:00,177
>> PAM: What?! No, I can't!
92
00:02:00,179 --> 00:02:01,178
And you can't make me!
93
00:02:01,180 --> 00:02:02,179
>> ARCHER: Yeah, is that even
94
00:02:02,181 --> 00:02:03,180
necessary?
95
00:02:03,182 --> 00:02:04,181
I think she's in a pretty good
96
00:02:04,183 --> 00:02:05,182
place.
97
00:02:05,184 --> 00:02:06,183
>> MALORY: She's going and
98
00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:07,184
that's final, and...
99
00:02:07,186 --> 00:02:08,185
>> PAM: I swear to God, if you
100
00:02:08,187 --> 00:02:09,519
send me to freakin' rehab, I'll
101
00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:10,520
go right to the cops!
102
00:02:10,522 --> 00:02:11,521
>> LANA: What?!
103
00:02:11,523 --> 00:02:12,522
>> ARCHER: Oh, come on.
104
00:02:12,524 --> 00:02:14,357
>> MALORY: You wouldn't dare.
105
00:02:14,359 --> 00:02:15,926
>> PAM (laughing): Oh, yeah?!
106
00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:16,927
Just try...
107
00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:18,361
(clang)
108
00:02:18,363 --> 00:02:20,363
>> LANA: Goddamn, Woodhouse.
109
00:02:20,365 --> 00:02:21,364
>> WOODHOUSE: Only thing for a
110
00:02:21,366 --> 00:02:23,400
grass, mum.
111
00:02:23,402 --> 00:02:25,068
And, sir, I'm afraid your
112
00:02:25,070 --> 00:02:26,570
breakfast will be four minutes
113
00:02:26,572 --> 00:02:28,705
late.
114
00:02:28,707 --> 00:02:31,475
>> ARCHER (groans): Typical.
115
00:03:10,915 --> 00:03:11,915
>> ARCHER: What are you doing?
116
00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:12,916
Come on. Tighter.
117
00:03:12,918 --> 00:03:13,917
>> LANA: Oh, for the... That's
118
00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:14,918
tight enough-- we're not making
119
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,419
tit bondage porn.
120
00:03:16,421 --> 00:03:17,420
>> ARCHER: That's a thing?
121
00:03:17,422 --> 00:03:18,421
>> CYRIL: Oh, yeah.
122
00:03:18,423 --> 00:03:19,089
(Malory groans)
123
00:03:19,091 --> 00:03:20,090
>> ARCHER: Ditto.
124
00:03:20,092 --> 00:03:21,124
I just don't want her to escape.
125
00:03:21,126 --> 00:03:22,259
You know how strong she is.
126
00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:23,260
Might as well be green and
127
00:03:23,262 --> 00:03:24,261
half-deaf.
128
00:03:24,263 --> 00:03:25,262
>> LANA: What if we move the
129
00:03:25,264 --> 00:03:26,463
coke and lock her in the cage
130
00:03:26,465 --> 00:03:27,464
till she's clean?
131
00:03:27,466 --> 00:03:28,465
>> ARCHER: Hey, yeah, sweat it
132
00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:29,466
out, like Popeye Doyle.
133
00:03:29,468 --> 00:03:30,467
How long would that take?
134
00:03:30,469 --> 00:03:31,301
>> LANA: I don't know.
135
00:03:31,303 --> 00:03:32,302
Couple of weeks?
136
00:03:32,304 --> 00:03:33,303
>> MALORY: Try couple of never.
137
00:03:33,305 --> 00:03:34,938
This is Pam we're talking about,
138
00:03:34,940 --> 00:03:36,273
the poster child for addictive
139
00:03:36,275 --> 00:03:38,508
personality.
140
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,343
What is wrong with you?
141
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:41,444
>> ARCHER (crying): I learned it
142
00:03:41,446 --> 00:03:43,313
by watching you.
143
00:03:43,315 --> 00:03:44,814
Oh, my God.
144
00:03:44,816 --> 00:03:46,516
>> LANA: Yeah, spoiler alert.
145
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,351
So, what do you suggest we do?
146
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,352
>> MALORY (gasps): We throw her
147
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,620
a party.
148
00:03:50,622 --> 00:03:52,189
With an enormous cake!
149
00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:53,456
Cyril, can we spare another five
150
00:03:53,458 --> 00:03:54,624
pounds of cocaine?
151
00:03:54,626 --> 00:03:55,625
>> LANA: Malory!
152
00:03:55,627 --> 00:03:57,861
>> MALORY: 2.27 kilograms, then!
153
00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:58,862
Who are you, Thomas Corwin
154
00:03:58,864 --> 00:03:59,863
Mendenhall?
155
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:00,864
>> ARCHER: Right?
156
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,299
>> LANA: We're not killing Pam!
157
00:04:02,301 --> 00:04:03,300
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Wait, what?
158
00:04:03,302 --> 00:04:04,301
>> RON: Jesus. Oh, come on in.
159
00:04:04,303 --> 00:04:05,302
Make some more noise.
160
00:04:05,304 --> 00:04:06,303
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Just 'cause
161
00:04:06,305 --> 00:04:07,304
now you're the fat one?
162
00:04:07,306 --> 00:04:08,305
>> LANA: Um, I said we were not
163
00:04:08,307 --> 00:04:09,306
killing her.
164
00:04:09,308 --> 00:04:10,307
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Oh.
165
00:04:10,309 --> 00:04:11,308
>> LANA: And, also, this is a
166
00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:12,309
baby.
167
00:04:12,311 --> 00:04:13,143
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Ew!
168
00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:14,144
>> LANA: A baby, by the way,
169
00:04:14,146 --> 00:04:15,545
that I did not eat but to which
170
00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:16,546
I will give birth.
171
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:17,547
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Ew!
172
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:18,682
>> ARCHER (chuckles): Right?
173
00:04:18,684 --> 00:04:19,683
>> MALORY: Well, if she won't go
174
00:04:19,685 --> 00:04:20,684
to rehab and you won't let her
175
00:04:20,686 --> 00:04:21,985
die with dignity...
176
00:04:21,987 --> 00:04:23,153
>> LANA: From an overdose of
177
00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:24,321
cocaine cake?!
178
00:04:24,323 --> 00:04:25,322
>> MALORY: Oh, please.
179
00:04:25,324 --> 00:04:26,823
Change the word "cocaine" to
180
00:04:26,825 --> 00:04:28,525
"Cookie Puss" and that's how her
181
00:04:28,527 --> 00:04:29,526
obituary was going to read
182
00:04:29,528 --> 00:04:30,527
anyway.
183
00:04:30,529 --> 00:04:31,528
>> LANA: What the...
184
00:04:31,530 --> 00:04:32,529
>> KRIEGER: I may have a simply
185
00:04:32,531 --> 00:04:33,530
elegant solution.
186
00:04:33,532 --> 00:04:34,531
>> LANA: Krieger.
187
00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:35,532
>> KRIEGER: Right?
188
00:04:35,534 --> 00:04:36,700
This place is like a Habitrail--
189
00:04:36,702 --> 00:04:37,701
there are secret passages
190
00:04:37,703 --> 00:04:39,236
everywhere.
191
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,237
>> CHERYL/CAROL: I think that's
192
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:41,238
why the colored maids never felt
193
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,339
safe.
194
00:04:42,341 --> 00:04:44,007
They'd be polishing a spittoon
195
00:04:44,009 --> 00:04:45,175
or whatever and suddenly...
196
00:04:45,177 --> 00:04:46,176
Grandpa.
197
00:04:46,178 --> 00:04:47,177
(others gasp)
198
00:04:47,179 --> 00:04:48,245
Yeah. And dressed up like a
199
00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:49,246
ghost?
200
00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:50,247
>> LANA: What is it with your
201
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:51,348
family wearing ghost costumes to
202
00:04:51,350 --> 00:04:52,549
scare black people?
203
00:04:52,551 --> 00:04:53,550
>> CHERYL/CAROL: What is it with
204
00:04:53,552 --> 00:04:55,018
you people making tit bondage
205
00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:57,220
pornos in my ancestral home?!
206
00:04:57,222 --> 00:04:58,355
>> KRIEGER: Ah, einige
207
00:04:58,357 --> 00:04:59,889
Tittenfreude, huh?
208
00:04:59,891 --> 00:05:01,024
>> CYRIL: Ooh, ja.
209
00:05:01,026 --> 00:05:02,025
>> MALORY: So what's all this
210
00:05:02,027 --> 00:05:03,193
about a solution?
211
00:05:03,195 --> 00:05:04,227
>> KRIEGER: Aha! Yes.
212
00:05:04,229 --> 00:05:05,228
And what is on my finger, you
213
00:05:05,230 --> 00:05:06,229
ask?
214
00:05:06,231 --> 00:05:07,230
>> LANA: I promise you no one is
215
00:05:07,232 --> 00:05:08,231
asking that.
216
00:05:08,233 --> 00:05:09,232
>> KRIEGER: Well, they should
217
00:05:09,234 --> 00:05:10,700
because this nearly microscopic,
218
00:05:10,702 --> 00:05:12,202
wittle-bitty guy is my new and
219
00:05:12,204 --> 00:05:14,204
improved mind control chip.
220
00:05:14,206 --> 00:05:15,205
>> ARCHER: Improved?
221
00:05:15,207 --> 00:05:16,373
On the one that made Len Trexler
222
00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:18,208
think he was a giant lettuce?
223
00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:19,276
>> MALORY (gasps): Len
224
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:20,543
Trexler...
225
00:05:20,545 --> 00:05:21,745
>> RON: Who the hell is Len
226
00:05:21,747 --> 00:05:22,746
Trexler?
227
00:05:22,748 --> 00:05:24,381
>> MALORY: Never heard of him.
228
00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:25,382
>> KRIEGER: It's way improved,
229
00:05:25,384 --> 00:05:26,416
and look how tiny.
230
00:05:26,418 --> 00:05:27,550
I don't even need a drill-- I
231
00:05:27,552 --> 00:05:28,718
can inject it right through the
232
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:29,719
temple.
233
00:05:29,721 --> 00:05:30,720
>> PAM: Wait, what are we doing?
234
00:05:30,722 --> 00:05:31,721
>> ARCHER: Stabbing science into
235
00:05:31,723 --> 00:05:32,722
your brain.
236
00:05:32,724 --> 00:05:33,390
>> PAM: What?!
237
00:05:33,392 --> 00:05:34,391
>> MALORY: It's for your own
238
00:05:34,393 --> 00:05:35,392
good, dear.
239
00:05:35,394 --> 00:05:36,393
>> ARCHER: Yeah, so you don't
240
00:05:36,395 --> 00:05:37,927
wind up giving blow jobs in a
241
00:05:37,929 --> 00:05:39,729
bus station toilet.
242
00:05:39,731 --> 00:05:41,231
But for cocaine.
243
00:05:41,233 --> 00:05:42,932
>> PAM: No! Let me go!
244
00:05:42,934 --> 00:05:44,134
(growling)
245
00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:45,302
>> MALORY: Krieger, do you think
246
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:46,569
a chip could cure someone of
247
00:05:46,571 --> 00:05:47,570
stage fright?
248
00:05:47,572 --> 00:05:48,571
>> CHERYL/CAROL (gasps): No way!
249
00:05:48,573 --> 00:05:50,140
>> MALORY: But you could be
250
00:05:50,142 --> 00:05:51,608
>> CHERYL/CAROL: I could be
251
00:05:51,610 --> 00:05:53,109
>> MALORY: Now, you listen to
252
00:05:53,111 --> 00:05:54,110
me, missy.
253
00:05:54,112 --> 00:05:55,445
You are getting a brain chip,
254
00:05:55,447 --> 00:05:56,579
and then you're going on the
255
00:05:56,581 --> 00:05:58,581
Grand Old Opera, and I don't
256
00:05:58,583 --> 00:05:59,783
care if it kills you be...
257
00:05:59,785 --> 00:06:00,784
(screams)
258
00:06:00,786 --> 00:06:01,785
(Pam roars)
259
00:06:01,787 --> 00:06:02,786
>> LANA: Pam, honey, just calm
260
00:06:02,788 --> 00:06:04,087
down!
261
00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:05,155
(Pam growls)
262
00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:06,156
>> MALORY: Somebody do
263
00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:07,157
something!
264
00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:08,491
>> CYRIL: Nobody do anything!
265
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:10,260
>> ARCHER: Lana...
266
00:06:10,262 --> 00:06:11,294
(Pam growls)
267
00:06:11,296 --> 00:06:12,295
Lana!
268
00:06:12,297 --> 00:06:13,296
>> LANA: Krieger!
269
00:06:13,298 --> 00:06:14,297
>> KRIEGER: Yeah, I'm on it.
270
00:06:14,299 --> 00:06:15,432
>> MALORY: Ow!
271
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:16,633
Idiot.
272
00:06:16,635 --> 00:06:18,468
(Cheryl/Carol screams)
273
00:06:18,470 --> 00:06:20,170
(Pam growls)
274
00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,771
>> LANA: Pam!
275
00:06:21,773 --> 00:06:22,839
>> ARCHER: Lana...!
276
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:23,840
>> CHERYL/CAROL: This is only
277
00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,175
somewhat like that old Gypsy
278
00:06:25,177 --> 00:06:28,345
woman said...!
279
00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:30,513
>> ARCHER: Lana.
280
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,514
>> LANA: What?!
281
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,016
God shit damn it, Archer, what?!
282
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,651
>> ARCHER: Um, never mind.
283
00:06:34,653 --> 00:06:35,652
>> LANA: Archer, I s...
284
00:06:35,654 --> 00:06:36,653
>> ARCHER: The last thing you
285
00:06:36,655 --> 00:06:37,654
need right now is a big,
286
00:06:37,656 --> 00:06:39,122
shit-eating "I told you so."
287
00:06:39,124 --> 00:06:40,123
(Lana groans)
288
00:06:40,125 --> 00:06:41,291
>> MALORY: But it's exactly what
289
00:06:41,293 --> 00:06:42,325
you deserve.
290
00:06:42,327 --> 00:06:43,793
And, Krieger, I hope you have a
291
00:06:43,795 --> 00:06:45,628
lot more where this came from
292
00:06:45,630 --> 00:06:46,830
because...
293
00:06:46,832 --> 00:06:47,997
>> LANA: Super.
294
00:06:47,999 --> 00:06:48,998
Hunting women to force them to
295
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,300
have surgery against their will.
296
00:06:50,302 --> 00:06:51,334
>> MALORY: It's for Pam's own
297
00:06:51,336 --> 00:06:52,335
good.
298
00:06:52,337 --> 00:06:53,370
She'll die if she doesn't quit
299
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:54,371
eating cocaine.
300
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:55,472
>> LANA: And who's gonna die if
301
00:06:55,474 --> 00:06:56,639
you don't get rich managing
302
00:06:56,641 --> 00:06:57,874
Cheryl's singing career?
303
00:06:57,876 --> 00:06:58,875
>> MALORY: Maybe you.
304
00:06:58,877 --> 00:06:59,876
Now, get out there and have
305
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:00,877
some fun!
306
00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:01,878
>> ARCHER: How could we not?
307
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:02,879
(Woodhouse clears throat)
308
00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:03,880
Woodhouse, I swear to God, if
309
00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:04,881
you tell me lunch is four
310
00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:05,882
minutes late...
311
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:06,883
>> WOODHOUSE: No, sir.
312
00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,319
There's a Mr. Holly here.
313
00:07:09,321 --> 00:07:11,221
Sorry, an Agent Holly.
314
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,022
From the FBI.
315
00:07:13,024 --> 00:07:14,824
(others gasp, groan)
316
00:07:14,826 --> 00:07:16,493
>> ARCHER: But lunch is still
317
00:07:16,495 --> 00:07:18,828
a firm twelve.
318
00:07:18,830 --> 00:07:20,363
(chuckles)
319
00:07:20,365 --> 00:07:21,865
Firm twelve.
320
00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:24,167
You know, as in inches?
321
00:07:24,169 --> 00:07:27,170
Jesus, .3048 meters.
322
00:07:27,172 --> 00:07:28,171
Hi.
323
00:07:28,173 --> 00:07:29,339
Welcome to Nazi Canada!
324
00:07:29,341 --> 00:07:31,875
(gagging sounds)
325
00:07:31,877 --> 00:07:34,411
Eh?
326
00:07:37,581 --> 00:07:38,848
>> MALORY: Why is the FBI here?
327
00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:39,849
>> CYRIL: Did he show you a
328
00:07:39,851 --> 00:07:40,850
warrant?
329
00:07:40,852 --> 00:07:41,684
>> WOODHOUSE: No, sir, he...
330
00:07:41,686 --> 00:07:42,685
>> CYRIL: Then tell him to go
331
00:07:42,687 --> 00:07:43,686
piss off-- he can't come inside
332
00:07:43,688 --> 00:07:44,254
without a warrant.
333
00:07:44,256 --> 00:07:44,921
>> WOODHOUSE: He...
334
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:45,922
>> CYRIL: Well, unless you
335
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:46,923
invite him in.
336
00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:47,924
>> ARCHER (groans): He's not a
337
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,025
vampire, idiot.
338
00:07:49,027 --> 00:07:50,727
>> ARCHER: Plus it's daytime.
339
00:07:50,729 --> 00:07:52,195
>> CYRIL: If invited in, law
340
00:07:52,197 --> 00:07:53,363
enforcement can enter your home
341
00:07:53,365 --> 00:07:54,364
without a warrant.
342
00:07:54,366 --> 00:07:55,398
Once inside, under the doctrine
343
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,100
of "plain view," anything
344
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,601
illegal-- say, a truckload of
345
00:07:58,603 --> 00:07:59,769
cocaine in the kitchen-- can be
346
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,571
lawfully seized as evidence.
347
00:08:01,573 --> 00:08:02,572
They can also enter a private
348
00:08:02,574 --> 00:08:04,073
residence under any number of
349
00:08:04,075 --> 00:08:05,375
exigent circumstances, like
350
00:08:05,377 --> 00:08:06,609
providing emergency assistance
351
00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,211
to an occupant, say, if they
352
00:08:08,213 --> 00:08:09,245
heard someone screaming...
353
00:08:09,247 --> 00:08:10,246
(Malory screams)
354
00:08:10,248 --> 00:08:11,080
(others gasp)
355
00:08:11,082 --> 00:08:12,549
>> HOLLY: Good morning.
356
00:08:12,551 --> 00:08:14,617
>> CYRIL: No, sir, good day.
357
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:15,752
I insist that you leave
358
00:08:15,754 --> 00:08:17,620
immediately, as you have entered
359
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,222
this residence unlawfully.
360
00:08:19,224 --> 00:08:20,223
>> HOLLY: Uh, you want to jump
361
00:08:20,225 --> 00:08:21,558
in here, Yoda's dad?
362
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:22,625
>> WOODHOUSE: I invited him in.
363
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:23,626
>> MALORY: Woodhouse!
364
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,727
>> HOLLY: And once you do that,
365
00:08:24,729 --> 00:08:26,062
you know, we are in.
366
00:08:26,064 --> 00:08:27,897
Not unlike vampires.
367
00:08:27,899 --> 00:08:28,898
>> ARCHER: See?
368
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:30,467
>> MALORY: Be that as it may,
369
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:31,568
why are you here?
370
00:08:31,570 --> 00:08:32,735
>> HOLLY: Oh, just checking in,
371
00:08:32,737 --> 00:08:33,736
making sure you folks aren't
372
00:08:33,738 --> 00:08:35,138
engaging in treason, espionage
373
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,139
or anything else illegal.
374
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,140
>> MALORY: Well, I can assure
375
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:37,774
you...
376
00:08:37,776 --> 00:08:38,475
>> HOLLY: Like drugs.
377
00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,108
>> MALORY: Hmm?
378
00:08:39,110 --> 00:08:39,742
>> HOLLY: Cocaine?
379
00:08:39,744 --> 00:08:40,410
>> MALORY: Nope.
380
00:08:40,412 --> 00:08:40,977
>> HOLLY: Yakuza?
381
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:41,611
>> MALORY: Mm-mm.
382
00:08:41,613 --> 00:08:42,278
>> HOLLY: Shootout?
383
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,913
>> HOLLY: No one here was shot
384
00:08:43,915 --> 00:08:45,582
>> MALORY (chuckling): Well, I
385
00:08:45,584 --> 00:08:46,416
think we'd remember that.
386
00:08:46,418 --> 00:08:47,283
>> HOLLY: Then what's his
387
00:08:47,285 --> 00:08:47,917
problem?
388
00:08:47,919 --> 00:08:48,585
>> LANA: Vasectomy.
389
00:08:48,587 --> 00:08:49,252
>> CYRIL: Piles.
390
00:08:49,254 --> 00:08:49,819
>> ARCHER: Gout.
391
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:50,453
>> CYRIL: Mumps.
392
00:08:50,455 --> 00:08:52,155
>> KRIEGER: Progeria! (sniffles)
393
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,156
He's just a little boy.
394
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,257
>> CYRIL: But whatever is wrong
395
00:08:54,259 --> 00:08:54,824
with him...
396
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:55,592
>> ARCHER: Goutmumps.
397
00:08:55,594 --> 00:08:56,593
>> CYRIL: ...is none of your
398
00:08:56,595 --> 00:08:57,594
business, and since nothing in
399
00:08:57,596 --> 00:08:58,595
plain view would lead a
400
00:08:58,597 --> 00:08:59,829
reasonable person to suspect
401
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:00,830
illegal activity, I demand that
402
00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:01,831
you...
403
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,266
(Gillette screams)
404
00:09:03,268 --> 00:09:04,601
>> HOLLY: Nobody move!
405
00:09:04,603 --> 00:09:05,602
>> MALORY: Well?!
406
00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:06,603
>> CYRIL (sighs): They can also
407
00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:07,670
do what's known as a...
408
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,105
>> HOLLY: Protective sweep...!
409
00:09:09,107 --> 00:09:10,273
>> CYRIL: Case law regarding
410
00:09:10,275 --> 00:09:11,508
search-and-seizure is actually
411
00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:12,642
quite interesting...
412
00:09:12,644 --> 00:09:14,444
>> MALORY: What... about... the
413
00:09:14,446 --> 00:09:15,445
cocaine?
414
00:09:15,447 --> 00:09:16,446
(Cyril speaking indistinctly)
415
00:09:16,448 --> 00:09:17,447
>> CYRIL: ...admissible as
416
00:09:17,449 --> 00:09:18,448
evidence but only if he sees
417
00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:19,449
it.
418
00:09:19,451 --> 00:09:20,450
>> MALORY: So we have to
419
00:09:20,452 --> 00:09:21,518
keep him out of the kitchen.
420
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:22,685
All right, fan out!
421
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:23,820
Agent Holly is the prime target,
422
00:09:23,822 --> 00:09:24,821
but...
423
00:09:24,823 --> 00:09:25,822
>> LANA: So, just so we're
424
00:09:25,824 --> 00:09:26,823
clear, you want us to
425
00:09:26,825 --> 00:09:28,358
tranquilize a federal agent.
426
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:29,359
>> MALORY: Do you have a better
427
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,360
idea?
428
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,528
>> LANA: I do not.
429
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:32,529
>> MALORY: Then we just slap
430
00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:33,796
some panties and rouge on him,
431
00:09:33,798 --> 00:09:34,964
pose him with Gillette-- whose
432
00:09:34,966 --> 00:09:36,466
fault this is!-- make some
433
00:09:36,468 --> 00:09:37,467
glossy 8x10s...
434
00:09:37,469 --> 00:09:38,468
>> KRIEGER: I'll do it!
435
00:09:38,470 --> 00:09:39,469
I have a camera! Dibs!
436
00:09:39,471 --> 00:09:40,470
>> MALORY: And then I doubt
437
00:09:40,472 --> 00:09:41,471
we'll be hearing from Agent
438
00:09:41,473 --> 00:09:42,472
Holly in the future.
439
00:09:42,474 --> 00:09:43,473
>> CYRIL: Or you could pose him
440
00:09:43,475 --> 00:09:44,474
with Woodhouse.
441
00:09:44,476 --> 00:09:45,475
>> WOODHOUSE: What?
442
00:09:45,477 --> 00:09:46,476
>> KRIEGER (chuckles): God
443
00:09:46,478 --> 00:09:47,477
knows he's a little GILF.
444
00:09:47,479 --> 00:09:48,478
(others groan)
445
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,479
>> ARCHER: That's a thing?!
446
00:09:49,481 --> 00:09:50,480
>> CYRIL: How do you not know
447
00:09:50,482 --> 00:09:51,848
the different kinds of porn?
448
00:09:51,850 --> 00:09:52,982
>> ARCHER: Because I have sex
449
00:09:52,984 --> 00:09:54,484
with actual women, Cyril!
450
00:09:54,486 --> 00:09:55,685
My girlfriend's not equal parts
451
00:09:55,687 --> 00:09:57,554
the Internet, a tube of Kentucky
452
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,889
jelly, self-loathing and a sock!
453
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:00,890
>> MALORY: Tell that to your
454
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:01,891
cellmate!
455
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:02,892
Now, go!
456
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:03,893
>> GILLETTE (slurred): You
457
00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:05,028
scared the shit out of me!
458
00:10:05,030 --> 00:10:06,029
>> CHERYL/CAROL (groans): What,
459
00:10:06,031 --> 00:10:07,030
literally?
460
00:10:07,032 --> 00:10:08,031
>> PAM: Seriously, dude, what is
461
00:10:08,033 --> 00:10:09,032
up with you?
462
00:10:09,034 --> 00:10:10,033
>> GILLETTE (sniffles): I could
463
00:10:10,035 --> 00:10:11,367
walk, and now I can't, and ain't
464
00:10:11,369 --> 00:10:13,069
nobody loves ol' Ray no more.
465
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,070
(crying)
466
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,071
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Well, yeah,
467
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,239
you're disgusting.
468
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,508
But, you, I am totally digging
469
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:20,376
this whole Queen Kong vibe.
470
00:10:20,378 --> 00:10:21,544
(Pam growls)
471
00:10:21,546 --> 00:10:23,546
(Gillette sobbing)
472
00:10:23,548 --> 00:10:24,747
>> HOLLY: My God, are they...
473
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:25,915
torturing a woman?
474
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,183
Hang on, ma'am!
475
00:10:27,185 --> 00:10:28,184
I'm a federal agent, and I'm
476
00:10:28,186 --> 00:10:29,352
coming!
477
00:10:29,354 --> 00:10:30,353
By God, I am coming!
478
00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:31,521
>> LANA: Okay, you three head
479
00:10:31,523 --> 00:10:32,722
upstairs...
480
00:10:32,724 --> 00:10:33,890
>> ARCHER: Hang on.
481
00:10:33,892 --> 00:10:34,891
>> LANA: I'm going to the
482
00:10:34,893 --> 00:10:35,892
kitchen to make sure he doesn't
483
00:10:35,894 --> 00:10:36,893
stumble onto the coke.
484
00:10:36,895 --> 00:10:37,894
>> ARCHER: Hang on.
485
00:10:37,896 --> 00:10:38,895
>> LANA: What?
486
00:10:38,897 --> 00:10:39,896
>> ARCHER: Question.
487
00:10:39,898 --> 00:10:40,897
>> LANA: What?
488
00:10:40,899 --> 00:10:41,898
>> ARCHER: Are we not saying
489
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:42,899
"phrasing" anymore?
490
00:10:42,901 --> 00:10:43,900
Which, that's fine, whatever,
491
00:10:43,902 --> 00:10:45,201
but if we're doing a new thing
492
00:10:45,203 --> 00:10:46,569
and nobody told me-- that I'd
493
00:10:46,571 --> 00:10:47,870
have a problem with.
494
00:10:47,872 --> 00:10:51,040
>> HOLLY: Oh, screw me!
495
00:10:51,042 --> 00:10:52,275
>> ARCHER: Said Ripley to the
496
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,543
android Bishop.
497
00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:55,878
Wait, hang on. Um...
498
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,447
Goddamn it!
499
00:10:57,449 --> 00:10:58,715
What was wrong with "phrasing"?!
500
00:10:58,717 --> 00:10:59,882
>> GILLETTE: Nothing!
501
00:10:59,884 --> 00:11:01,050
I'm fine.
502
00:11:01,052 --> 00:11:02,251
Just get out, leave me alone!
503
00:11:02,253 --> 00:11:03,453
>> HOLLY: I just need to be sure
504
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:04,721
you're not being held here
505
00:11:04,723 --> 00:11:06,956
against your...
506
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:09,092
That is a federal offense!
507
00:11:09,094 --> 00:11:10,293
>> GILLETTE: I said, get out...!
508
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:11,561
>> KRIEGER: Oh, hey, remind me
509
00:11:11,563 --> 00:11:12,929
to reboot the CPU in Ray's spine
510
00:11:12,931 --> 00:11:14,097
so he can walk again.
511
00:11:14,099 --> 00:11:15,298
>> CYRIL: What?
512
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,566
A reboot-- that's all it takes?!
513
00:11:16,568 --> 00:11:17,734
>> KRIEGER: Beep boop.
514
00:11:17,736 --> 00:11:18,935
>> CYRIL: He's been paralyzed
515
00:11:18,937 --> 00:11:20,136
for months.
516
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:21,137
What the hell have you been
517
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,405
waiting for?!
518
00:11:22,407 --> 00:11:23,573
>> KRIEGER: Yeah, but think how
519
00:11:23,575 --> 00:11:24,774
much happier he'll be now.
520
00:11:24,776 --> 00:11:25,775
>> LANA: Or-- and I'm just
521
00:11:25,777 --> 00:11:26,943
spitballin' here-- I find Holly
522
00:11:26,945 --> 00:11:28,411
first, show him the coke, get
523
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,313
immunity, testify against them,
524
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:32,148
then you and I go into witness
525
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:33,583
protection and spend the rest of
526
00:11:33,585 --> 00:11:35,952
our miserable lives on the run,
527
00:11:35,954 --> 00:11:37,153
hounded by the fact that we
528
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,421
betrayed our friends.
529
00:11:38,423 --> 00:11:39,589
Ugh!
530
00:11:39,591 --> 00:11:40,790
Or I get arrested and give birth
531
00:11:40,792 --> 00:11:41,958
in a supermax prison and...
532
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,159
Oh, wait.
533
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:44,427
Does the baby grow up in prison,
534
00:11:44,429 --> 00:11:45,595
or...?
535
00:11:45,597 --> 00:11:46,796
>> WOODHOUSE: Oh.
536
00:11:46,798 --> 00:11:48,965
Hello, old friend.
537
00:11:48,967 --> 00:11:50,433
>> LANA: What the shit, Archer?!
538
00:11:50,435 --> 00:11:51,601
>> ARCHER: Hang on.
539
00:11:51,603 --> 00:11:52,802
I knew you'd shoot without
540
00:11:52,804 --> 00:11:53,970
looking.
541
00:11:53,972 --> 00:11:54,971
>> LANA: Oh, really, you know me
542
00:11:54,973 --> 00:11:56,172
that well?!
543
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,173
>> ARCHER: Uh, well enough to
544
00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:58,174
know you're down here wondering
545
00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,175
if witness protection ever sends
546
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,443
people to the Virgin Islands.
547
00:12:00,445 --> 00:12:01,611
>> LANA: Well, in case you'd
548
00:12:01,613 --> 00:12:02,812
forgotten, I have an unborn
549
00:12:02,814 --> 00:12:03,980
child to think about!
550
00:12:03,982 --> 00:12:05,181
>> ARCHER: Jesus Christ, Lana,
551
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:06,449
who can forget?
552
00:12:06,451 --> 00:12:07,617
It's baby this, baby that.
553
00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:09,452
>> LANA: Aw, Baby Archer, who's
554
00:12:09,454 --> 00:12:10,653
a jeawous baby?
555
00:12:10,655 --> 00:12:11,854
>> ARCHER: What?!
556
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,022
Holy shit, do you have anemia?
557
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,290
>> LANA: No, I...
558
00:12:14,292 --> 00:12:15,458
>> ARCHER: Uh, edema,
559
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:16,993
hypertension, preeclampsia,
560
00:12:16,995 --> 00:12:18,461
Braxton-Hicks contractions,
561
00:12:18,463 --> 00:12:19,629
pica?!
562
00:12:19,631 --> 00:12:20,830
>> LANA: I...
563
00:12:20,832 --> 00:12:21,998
>> ARCHER: GERD?!
564
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,199
Lana, do you have GERD?!
565
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:24,467
(Lana clears her throat)
566
00:12:24,469 --> 00:12:25,635
>> LANA: How do you know about
567
00:12:25,637 --> 00:12:26,836
the various possible
568
00:12:26,838 --> 00:12:28,004
complications of pregnancy?
569
00:12:28,006 --> 00:12:29,172
Archer?
570
00:12:29,174 --> 00:12:30,373
>> ARCHER: Maybe I looked it up.
571
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:31,641
>> LANA: Why?
572
00:12:31,643 --> 00:12:32,809
>> ARCHER: I was concerned about
573
00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:34,010
you.
574
00:12:34,012 --> 00:12:35,178
Blow me!
575
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:36,379
>> LANA: Just making sure you're
576
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:37,647
not into preggo porn.
577
00:12:37,649 --> 00:12:38,815
>> ARCHER: Oh, goddamn it!
578
00:12:38,817 --> 00:12:40,016
That can't be a thing!
579
00:12:40,018 --> 00:12:41,217
>> LANA: It is absolutely a
580
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:42,985
thing, and do you just not have
581
00:12:42,987 --> 00:12:44,153
the Internet, or...?
582
00:12:44,155 --> 00:12:45,354
>> ARCHER: I have Minitel, okay?
583
00:12:45,356 --> 00:12:47,690
>> LANA: A: not the Internet,
584
00:12:47,692 --> 00:12:48,891
B: only works in...
585
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:50,059
>> ARCHER: France, Lana.
586
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:52,028
Oui, maintenant je sais!
587
00:12:52,030 --> 00:12:53,229
>> LANA: Okay, um, thanks for
588
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,664
your concern, and I don't know
589
00:12:54,666 --> 00:12:55,865
what you think you heard about
590
00:12:55,867 --> 00:12:56,866
witness protection, but...
591
00:12:56,868 --> 00:12:58,034
>> ARCHER: They don't make
592
00:12:58,036 --> 00:12:59,869
babies grow up in prison, Lana.
593
00:12:59,871 --> 00:13:01,037
>> LANA: Yeah, right?
594
00:13:01,039 --> 00:13:02,238
>> ARCHER: They take them away
595
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,506
the minute they're born and send
596
00:13:03,508 --> 00:13:04,674
them to an orphanage.
597
00:13:04,676 --> 00:13:05,875
>> LANA: No, not the minute
598
00:13:05,877 --> 00:13:07,043
they're...
599
00:13:07,045 --> 00:13:08,244
>> ARCHER: That very minute,
600
00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:09,412
Lana!
601
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:10,680
They don't even dry them off!
602
00:13:10,682 --> 00:13:11,848
(Lana cries)
603
00:13:11,850 --> 00:13:13,049
So if I were you, I'd run out
604
00:13:13,051 --> 00:13:14,250
that door while I still had a
605
00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:15,518
chance.
606
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:16,686
>> LANA: But-but, Archer, I...
607
00:13:16,688 --> 00:13:19,055
>> ARCHER: I'd also waste five
608
00:13:19,057 --> 00:13:20,256
precious minutes of my head
609
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,058
start in the race to freedom
610
00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:23,860
giving that swell guy Archer a
611
00:13:23,862 --> 00:13:25,061
combination good-bye/thank-you
612
00:13:25,063 --> 00:13:26,262
blow job.
613
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,766
(Lana cries)
614
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,234
(Lana laughs)
615
00:13:31,236 --> 00:13:32,235
>> LANA: Asshole.
616
00:13:32,237 --> 00:13:33,436
>> ARCHER: Yeah, or a rim job.
617
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:34,704
What do you care?
618
00:13:34,706 --> 00:13:35,872
You're never gonna see him
619
00:13:35,874 --> 00:13:37,073
again.
620
00:13:37,075 --> 00:13:38,241
>> LANA: I can't.
621
00:13:38,243 --> 00:13:39,442
>> ARCHER: I know.
622
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:40,710
I was kidding, stupid.
623
00:13:40,712 --> 00:13:41,878
>> LANA: I mean I can't leave
624
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,079
you, stupid!
625
00:13:43,081 --> 00:13:44,280
(loud knocking)
626
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,548
>> HOLLY: This is the FBI!
627
00:13:45,550 --> 00:13:48,284
Open this door!
628
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:49,452
>> ARCHER: Well, not now...
629
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,720
stupid.
630
00:13:50,722 --> 00:13:51,888
And so, wait.
631
00:13:51,890 --> 00:13:53,089
Where did we land on that
632
00:13:53,091 --> 00:13:54,290
blow job?
633
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,826
Sorry, rim job.
634
00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:01,430
>> HOLLY: Do you hear me?!
635
00:14:01,432 --> 00:14:02,899
Open this door!
636
00:14:02,901 --> 00:14:04,767
Obstructing... a federal
637
00:14:04,769 --> 00:14:06,569
agent... is a felony...
638
00:14:06,571 --> 00:14:07,770
punishable...
639
00:14:07,772 --> 00:14:08,938
Ow!
640
00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:10,139
...by up to 20 years
641
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,407
imprisonment, if said
642
00:14:11,409 --> 00:14:12,408
obstruction results in the
643
00:14:12,410 --> 00:14:14,076
bodily injury of said agent,
644
00:14:14,078 --> 00:14:15,278
which I think may have just
645
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,746
happened to said agent's-- ow!--
646
00:14:16,748 --> 00:14:17,914
rotator cuff.
647
00:14:17,916 --> 00:14:19,115
Aah!
648
00:14:19,117 --> 00:14:20,316
>> LANA: 20 years?!
649
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:21,584
>> ARCHER: Lana, look at all
650
00:14:21,586 --> 00:14:22,752
that coke!
651
00:14:22,754 --> 00:14:23,753
20 years is just gonna be the
652
00:14:23,755 --> 00:14:24,754
Bac-Os on our prison salad.
653
00:14:24,756 --> 00:14:25,755
Besides, technically, Woodhouse
654
00:14:25,757 --> 00:14:26,923
is the one obstructing.
655
00:14:26,925 --> 00:14:28,124
>> LANA: Archer!
656
00:14:28,126 --> 00:14:29,125
>> ARCHER: Relax. They don't
657
00:14:29,127 --> 00:14:30,126
send people that old to prison.
658
00:14:30,128 --> 00:14:31,327
It costs, like, two grand a day
659
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,595
just to keep them alive.
660
00:14:32,597 --> 00:14:33,763
>> LANA: I'm talking about us!
661
00:14:33,765 --> 00:14:34,931
>> ARCHER: Hmm. I don't know.
662
00:14:34,933 --> 00:14:36,132
A hundred bucks?
663
00:14:36,134 --> 00:14:37,333
Depends who you ask, Lana.
664
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,601
Liberals say this much,
665
00:14:38,603 --> 00:14:39,769
conservatives say this much...
666
00:14:39,771 --> 00:14:40,770
>> LANA: So, now you're just
667
00:14:40,772 --> 00:14:41,938
dicking around?
668
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:43,139
>> ARCHER: Yes.
669
00:14:43,141 --> 00:14:44,340
>> LANA: Between the FBI and a
670
00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:45,608
ton of cocaine.
671
00:14:45,610 --> 00:14:46,776
>> ARCHER: Yes.
672
00:14:46,778 --> 00:14:47,944
>> LANA: So, can I assume you
673
00:14:47,946 --> 00:14:49,145
have a plan?
674
00:14:49,147 --> 00:14:50,346
>> ARCHER: Yes.
675
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:51,614
I mean, I don't, but you can
676
00:14:51,616 --> 00:14:52,782
assu... Ow! Ow!
677
00:14:52,784 --> 00:14:53,950
(Holly grunts)
678
00:14:53,952 --> 00:14:55,151
Ow! Ow! Ow!
679
00:14:55,153 --> 00:14:56,352
(Holly groans)
680
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,620
>> HOLLY: I'm coming!
681
00:14:57,622 --> 00:14:58,788
>> ARCHER: Said Ripley to... Ow!
682
00:14:58,790 --> 00:14:59,956
Goddamn it, woman!
683
00:14:59,958 --> 00:15:01,157
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Come on!
684
00:15:01,159 --> 00:15:03,025
Why are you slowing down?!
685
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,661
>> PAM: Need... got to...
686
00:15:05,663 --> 00:15:06,863
More cocaine.
687
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,030
>> CHERYL/CAROL: So, please
688
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,298
don't take this the wrong way--
689
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,466
because I'm loving being your
690
00:15:10,468 --> 00:15:11,667
Esmeralda-- but you may have a
691
00:15:11,669 --> 00:15:12,869
problem.
692
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:14,036
And it sounds like the solution
693
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:15,304
is more cocaine, so turn left up
694
00:15:15,306 --> 00:15:16,472
there.
695
00:15:16,474 --> 00:15:17,673
>> MALORY: But why are you
696
00:15:17,675 --> 00:15:18,875
leaving?
697
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,042
They can't compel a husband and
698
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,310
wife to testify against each
699
00:15:21,312 --> 00:15:22,478
other!
700
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:23,679
>> RON: Oh, yeah?
701
00:15:23,681 --> 00:15:24,881
They may not have to compel me.
702
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,048
(Malory gasps)
703
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:27,316
>> MALORY: And what is that
704
00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:28,484
supposed to mean?!
705
00:15:28,486 --> 00:15:29,485
>> RON: Oh, why don't you ask
706
00:15:29,487 --> 00:15:30,486
that guy you never heard of,
707
00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:31,687
Len Trexler?
708
00:15:31,689 --> 00:15:32,889
>> MALORY: How can I?
709
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:34,056
I've never heard of him.
710
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,324
>> RON: You wouldn't know the
711
00:15:35,326 --> 00:15:36,492
truth if it bit you on the ass
712
00:15:36,494 --> 00:15:37,693
and held on, would you?
713
00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:38,895
>> MALORY: Ron, wait!
714
00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:40,062
>> RON: What?!
715
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,231
>> MALORY: Well, if you insist
716
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,333
on being an ass, I can't stop
717
00:15:44,335 --> 00:15:46,202
you, but there is the small
718
00:15:46,204 --> 00:15:47,503
matter of my putting the deed
719
00:15:47,505 --> 00:15:48,671
to my apartment in your name.
720
00:15:48,673 --> 00:15:49,872
(Ron laughs)
721
00:15:49,874 --> 00:15:52,008
>> RON: Ah, it's your loss!
722
00:15:52,010 --> 00:15:53,209
I'll mail you your furs.
723
00:15:53,211 --> 00:15:54,410
(Malory gasps)
724
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,678
>> MALORY: Don't you dare!
725
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,079
At the very least, I insist on a
726
00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:58,347
bonded courier!
727
00:15:58,349 --> 00:15:59,515
Ron?!
728
00:15:59,517 --> 00:16:00,716
(Holly grunts)
729
00:16:00,718 --> 00:16:01,918
>> ARCHER: Ow!
730
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,085
Lana, cut it... Ow! Ow!
731
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,353
(Holly groans)
732
00:16:04,355 --> 00:16:05,521
>> ARCHER: Ow! Ow!
733
00:16:05,523 --> 00:16:06,522
>> HOLLY: What's this door made
734
00:16:06,524 --> 00:16:07,723
out of, mithril?
735
00:16:07,725 --> 00:16:08,925
>> ARCHER: Ow!
736
00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:09,926
>> LANA: Just once, why can't
737
00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:11,093
you take...
738
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,361
>> ARCHER: Ow!
739
00:16:12,363 --> 00:16:13,362
>> LANA: ...anything seriously
740
00:16:13,364 --> 00:16:14,530
just once?
741
00:16:14,532 --> 00:16:15,531
>> ARCHER: Ow! I was serious
742
00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:16,732
about that rim jo... Ow!
743
00:16:16,734 --> 00:16:17,934
Seriously, please stop hitting
744
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:19,101
me.
745
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,369
What the...?
746
00:16:20,371 --> 00:16:21,537
>> CYRIL: Oh, thank God!
747
00:16:21,539 --> 00:16:22,738
>> LANA: Cyril? Wait.
748
00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:23,906
How did you...?
749
00:16:23,908 --> 00:16:25,074
>> KRIEGER: This house is
750
00:16:25,076 --> 00:16:26,275
insane.
751
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:27,276
>> CYRIL: And scary, and gross,
752
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,277
and I'm pretty sure I smelled a
753
00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:29,545
skeleton.
754
00:16:29,547 --> 00:16:30,546
>> KRIEGER: No, you definitely
755
00:16:30,548 --> 00:16:31,547
smelled a skeleton.
756
00:16:31,549 --> 00:16:32,548
>> LANA: Well, this is great!
757
00:16:32,550 --> 00:16:33,549
>> CYRIL: How?!
758
00:16:33,551 --> 00:16:34,550
I inhaled skeleton!
759
00:16:34,552 --> 00:16:35,551
>> LANA: Because now the coke...
760
00:16:35,553 --> 00:16:36,552
(loud sounds of eating)
761
00:16:36,554 --> 00:16:37,553
...is getting eaten by Pam!
762
00:16:37,555 --> 00:16:38,554
Quick, make the wall spin around
763
00:16:38,556 --> 00:16:39,722
again!
764
00:16:39,724 --> 00:16:40,723
>> CYRIL: It just kind of spun
765
00:16:40,725 --> 00:16:41,924
by itself!
766
00:16:41,926 --> 00:16:42,925
>> ARCHER: Jesus Christ, have
767
00:16:42,927 --> 00:16:43,926
you people never even heard of
768
00:16:43,928 --> 00:16:45,094
Scooby-Doo?
769
00:16:45,096 --> 00:16:46,295
>> KRIEGER: Oh, come on!
770
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,563
>> LANA: Of course.
771
00:16:47,565 --> 00:16:48,731
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Uh... Pam?
772
00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:49,932
(Pam roaring)
773
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:53,636
>> PAM: Aw, crap.
774
00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:57,073
(Pam grunting)
775
00:16:57,075 --> 00:16:59,308
(Cheryl/Carol laughing loudly)
776
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:00,576
(gasps, sad roar)
777
00:17:00,578 --> 00:17:01,744
>> ARCHER (laughing): Oh, my
778
00:17:01,746 --> 00:17:02,945
God.
779
00:17:02,947 --> 00:17:04,080
That's so freakin' unsafe.
780
00:17:04,082 --> 00:17:05,281
>> LANA: Okay, Krieger, Cyril,
781
00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:06,315
get in there, and we'll spin you
782
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,316
back around. Archer...
783
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:08,317
>> CYRIL: Why do I have to go
784
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,585
back in there?!
785
00:17:09,587 --> 00:17:10,586
>> LANA: Because I said so!
786
00:17:10,588 --> 00:17:11,754
>> KRIEGER: Yeah, plus
787
00:17:11,756 --> 00:17:12,955
skeletons?
788
00:17:12,957 --> 00:17:14,123
>> LANA: Archer?
789
00:17:14,125 --> 00:17:15,324
>> ARCHER: Got it.
790
00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:16,325
>> LANA: Oh! Goddamn it!
791
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,593
>> KRIEGER: Ooh!
792
00:17:17,595 --> 00:17:18,761
>> CYRIL: Goddamn it.
793
00:17:18,763 --> 00:17:19,962
>> ARCHER: Godspeed, you
794
00:17:19,964 --> 00:17:21,130
meddling kids.
795
00:17:21,132 --> 00:17:22,131
>> WOODHOUSE (moaning): And sir,
796
00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:23,132
I'm afraid your breakfast will
797
00:17:23,134 --> 00:17:24,133
be four minutes late.
798
00:17:24,135 --> 00:17:25,134
>> ARCHER: Yeah, duh.
799
00:17:25,136 --> 00:17:26,335
I already berated you.
800
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:27,336
>> LANA: Woodhouse, get away
801
00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:28,604
from the door!
802
00:17:28,606 --> 00:17:29,772
>> WOODHOUSE: Hmm? Oh!
803
00:17:29,774 --> 00:17:30,773
>> HOLLY: Goddamn it!
804
00:17:30,775 --> 00:17:31,674
Just what do you people think
805
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,675
the letters FBI stand for?
806
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:33,642
>> ARCHER: I bought a T-shirt
807
00:17:33,644 --> 00:17:34,643
once where it stood for "Female
808
00:17:34,645 --> 00:17:35,845
Body Inspector."
809
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:36,846
God, is Myrtle Beach not the
810
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,114
best?
811
00:17:38,116 --> 00:17:39,015
>> HOLLY: Pull a stunt like this
812
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,483
again, you'll never make it back
813
00:17:40,485 --> 00:17:41,684
to Myrtle Beach.
814
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:42,952
>> ARCHER: I probably wasn't
815
00:17:42,954 --> 00:17:44,120
going to anyway.
816
00:17:44,122 --> 00:17:45,121
Turns out it's actually not the
817
00:17:45,123 --> 00:17:46,288
best.
818
00:17:46,290 --> 00:17:47,289
>> LANA: And you actually have
819
00:17:47,291 --> 00:17:48,457
no right to search this house.
820
00:17:48,459 --> 00:17:49,658
As you can see, there's nothing
821
00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:50,860
illegal going on.
822
00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:52,028
>> HOLLY: Maybe not now, but I
823
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,462
know you still have a lot of
824
00:17:53,464 --> 00:17:54,697
international contacts from your
825
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:55,965
ISIS days.
826
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:57,133
Mexico, Colombia, the Orient.
827
00:17:57,135 --> 00:17:58,334
I bet it wouldn't be too hard to
828
00:17:58,336 --> 00:17:59,535
get set up in the drug trade.
829
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:00,803
>> ARCHER (laughing): Well,
830
00:18:00,805 --> 00:18:01,971
you'd be surp... Oh!
831
00:18:01,973 --> 00:18:03,139
>> LANA: We're not drug dealers,
832
00:18:03,141 --> 00:18:04,340
Agent Holly.
833
00:18:04,342 --> 00:18:05,975
>> HOLLY: Good, because I'll be
834
00:18:05,977 --> 00:18:08,844
watching you... like a hawk
835
00:18:08,846 --> 00:18:10,846
that's been bred with an eagle
836
00:18:10,848 --> 00:18:12,715
to produce some sort of...
837
00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:14,984
eagle-eyed superhawk... with a
838
00:18:14,986 --> 00:18:18,621
badge.
839
00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:22,658
>> LANA: So, am I crazy, or is
840
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:23,826
he super weird?
841
00:18:23,828 --> 00:18:26,162
>> ARCHER: Oh, well, I'm torn,
842
00:18:26,164 --> 00:18:27,563
Lana, I really am.
843
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,331
I want to say "both," but I also
844
00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:30,533
don't want you to stop my heart
845
00:18:30,535 --> 00:18:31,734
again, so...
846
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:33,169
>> LANA: Who's da widdle baby?
847
00:18:33,171 --> 00:18:34,336
Who's da widdle baby?
848
00:18:34,338 --> 00:18:35,504
Who's da widdle baby?
849
00:18:35,506 --> 00:18:37,173
Yes, he is, widdle, little baby!
850
00:18:37,175 --> 00:18:38,374
>> CYRIL: Wait. The brain chip
851
00:18:38,376 --> 00:18:39,575
is in there?
852
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:40,843
>> KRIEGER: I told you it was
853
00:18:40,845 --> 00:18:42,011
small.
854
00:18:42,013 --> 00:18:43,179
>> CYRIL: Said Ripley to the...
855
00:18:43,181 --> 00:18:44,380
No, doesn't work there.
856
00:18:44,382 --> 00:18:45,581
>> KRIEGER: Yeah, it's crap.
857
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,916
Okay, I actually only have one
858
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,384
brain chip, so... who's our
859
00:18:48,386 --> 00:18:49,585
lucky winner?
860
00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:51,187
>> CYRIL: Hmm. I guess we have
861
00:18:51,189 --> 00:18:52,588
to decide if we want regular
862
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:53,856
lame Cheryl and a Pam who's not
863
00:18:53,858 --> 00:18:55,024
gonna overdose on cocaine and
864
00:18:55,026 --> 00:18:57,193
die, or potentially famous
865
00:18:57,195 --> 00:18:58,761
country singer Cheryl and a Pam
866
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:00,229
who... tits.
867
00:19:00,231 --> 00:19:02,765
>> KRIEGER: Flip a coin?
868
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,567
>> CYRIL: No.
869
00:19:04,569 --> 00:19:05,768
>> LANA: And, yeah, he's a
870
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,036
weirdo, but I think Agent
871
00:19:07,038 --> 00:19:08,204
Holly's right.
872
00:19:08,206 --> 00:19:09,405
We do have a lot of
873
00:19:09,407 --> 00:19:10,606
international connections.
874
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:11,607
>> ARCHER: So, I'm thinking I
875
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:12,608
should take a trip down old
876
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,210
Mexico way, maybe Colombia, or
877
00:19:14,212 --> 00:19:17,046
even Southeast Asia, or...
878
00:19:17,048 --> 00:19:18,214
Hey, where's Ron?
879
00:19:18,216 --> 00:19:19,415
>> MALORY: Never heard of him.
880
00:19:19,417 --> 00:19:20,616
>> LANA: Um...
881
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:21,884
>> ARCHER: Lana, let it go.
882
00:19:21,886 --> 00:19:23,052
Jesus.
883
00:19:23,054 --> 00:19:24,220
>> MALORY: But maybe we should
884
00:19:24,222 --> 00:19:25,421
try to sell out to an
885
00:19:25,423 --> 00:19:28,390
international cartel.
886
00:19:28,392 --> 00:19:29,558
But let me be clear.
887
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:30,759
You won't be gallivanting around
888
00:19:30,761 --> 00:19:31,961
under the pretense of work just
889
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,229
to visit the fleshpots of the
890
00:19:33,231 --> 00:19:34,396
world.
891
00:19:34,398 --> 00:19:35,564
This isn't ISIS.
892
00:19:35,566 --> 00:19:36,765
>> ARCHER: No, I...
893
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:37,967
>> MALORY: And it definitely
894
00:19:37,969 --> 00:19:39,235
isn't your semester abroad.
895
00:19:39,237 --> 00:19:40,402
>> ARCHER: What?!
896
00:19:40,404 --> 00:19:41,570
Come on, that's...
897
00:19:41,572 --> 00:19:42,771
Hey, I don't think we need to go
898
00:19:42,773 --> 00:19:43,939
into all the...
899
00:19:43,941 --> 00:19:45,141
>> MALORY: Cobra whiskey and
900
00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:46,308
ladyboys. I mean...
901
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:47,576
>> LANA: Ha!
902
00:19:47,578 --> 00:19:48,744
>> ARCHER: Shut up.
903
00:19:48,746 --> 00:19:49,945
>> MALORY: You shut up!
904
00:19:49,947 --> 00:19:51,147
And Krieger?
905
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:52,148
I trust the brain-chip implant
906
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:53,315
was a success?
907
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,583
>> KRIEGER: I think. I mean,
908
00:19:54,585 --> 00:19:55,618
it's in there, and she's alive.
909
00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:56,819
Now we just have to see if there
910
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:59,588
were any adverse side effects.
911
00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:02,124
(loud yawning)
912
00:20:02,126 --> 00:20:03,292
>> LANA: Uh... Cheryl?
913
00:20:03,294 --> 00:20:04,493
>> CHERYL/CAROL: Nah, Cheryl's
914
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:05,761
gone.
915
00:20:05,763 --> 00:20:07,496
I'm Cherlene now.
916
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:09,632
And if somebody don't fry me six
917
00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:11,433
goddamn eggs and some Carolina
918
00:20:11,435 --> 00:20:12,801
fries, I would personally be
919
00:20:12,803 --> 00:20:14,003
shocked-- shocked, I tell you--
920
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:15,271
if by mornin' this place ain't
921
00:20:15,273 --> 00:20:17,273
burnt to the ground.
922
00:20:17,275 --> 00:20:20,876
(loud yawning)
923
00:20:24,114 --> 00:20:25,948
>> KRIEGER: And I'm not a
924
00:20:25,950 --> 00:20:28,117
I mean, I'm definitely a doctor,
925
00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:32,121
so... no, I think we're good.
926
00:20:32,123 --> 00:20:33,856
Yup, yup, yup.
927
00:21:01,651 --> 00:21:06,555
>> MAN: Made... in Georgia.