1
00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:05,552
CYRIL: And so, if I could direct
your attention to these visual aids,
2
00:00:05,631 --> 00:00:08,259
you will see that
from our initial supply
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,595
of 1,000 kilos
of cocaine, we...
4
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,021
Hang on, dummy,
we had a ton of cocaine.
5
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:16,350
No. Well, we had a tonne,
T-O-N-N-E,
6
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,060
also known as
a metric ton, but...
7
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,145
Metric. Who uses metric?
8
00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:22,027
Every single country
on the planet
9
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,982
except for us,
Liberia and Burma.
10
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,192
Wow, really?
Yup.
11
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:28,074
'Cause you never think of those other
two as having their shit together.
12
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:29,872
Anyway,
as you can see...
13
00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:31,244
Why are they thermometers?
14
00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:33,625
I thought they were cocks.
Wait, they're not?
15
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,495
No. They are not cocks!
16
00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:39,001
Okay!
Jesus, you people.
17
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,708
Next time, remind me
to get shot in the head.
18
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,464
Uh, Ron, next time,
get shot in the head.
19
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,796
Sterling, shut up.
Cyril, continue.
20
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:50,677
(SIGHS) So, as you can see, we are
already down to 125 kilos of cocaine,
21
00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:53,429
which was worth
about $6 million, so...
22
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,764
Wait, how much is that
in pounds?
23
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,689
Forget pounds!
We're doing kilos!
24
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,392
No, I meant pounds.
Sterling!
25
00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:00,944
Exactly.
As in Doctor Who money.
26
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,364
How do you stand there and crack
wise when this is all your fault?
27
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:05,440
My fault?
28
00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:08,403
I only lost 44.092 pounds
of it, Mother.
29
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:12,285
It's Pam's fault we had
to give the Yakuza 100 kilos.
30
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:15,334
And this other five,
spoiler alert, she ate!
31
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,252
Yeah, and would now
be a good time
32
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,125
to talk about Pam's
cocaine addiction?
33
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:21,377
Or the inspiring
story of her heroic
34
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,208
struggle to finally
triumph over it?
35
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,381
What are you eating?
36
00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:27,304
Yogurt! (GRUNTS)
37
00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:28,631
MALORY: Give me that!
Hey!
38
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,011
Lick it.
Ugh!
39
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,387
Well, can't unhear that.
40
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:35,062
Holy shit,
yogurt is amazing!
41
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,434
Why have I never
tried yogurt?
42
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,857
How have you
never tried yogurt?
43
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,688
Mmm. I didn't know
it was that good.
44
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,940
It's good
because it's cocaine!
45
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,193
Oh, my God.
And little kids eat it?
46
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:46,774
Cyril, you said
it was locked up.
47
00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:47,904
It is.
48
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,368
In the cage in the pantry.
49
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,740
MALORY:
Then how did she get it?
50
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:52,662
(WHISTLING)
51
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,286
That is it!
You're going to rehab.
52
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,087
What? No, I can't!
53
00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:02,460
And you can't make me!
54
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,462
Yeah, is that
even necessary?
55
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,214
I think she's in
a pretty good place.
56
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,886
She's going
and that's final, and...
57
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,464
I swear to God, if you
send me to freaking rehab,
58
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,140
I'll go right to the cops!
What?
59
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,092
ARCHER: Come on.
You wouldn't dare.
60
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,395
(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah?
Just try...
61
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,267
Goddamn, Woodhouse.
62
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,148
Only thing
for a grass, mum.
63
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:27,155
And, sir, I'm afraid
your breakfast
64
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,324
will be four minutes late.
65
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,243
Ugh. Typical.
66
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,071
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
67
00:02:38,069 --> 00:02:48,071
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
68
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,865
ARCHER: What are you doing?
Come on. Tighter.
69
00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:18,366
That's tight enough. We're
not making tit bondage porn.
70
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,200
That's a thing?
Oh, yeah.
71
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,459
Ugh!
Ditto.
72
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,004
I just don't want her to escape.
You know how strong she is.
73
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,047
Might as well be
green and half-deaf.
74
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:29,343
What if we move the coke and lock
her in the cage till she's clean?
75
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:31,461
Hey, yeah, sweat it out,
like Popeye Doyle.
76
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:32,553
How long would
that take?
77
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,630
I don't know.
Couple of weeks?
78
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,966
Try couple of never.
79
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,721
This is Pam
we're talking about,
80
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,644
the poster child for
addictive personality.
81
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:42,097
What is wrong with you?
82
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,854
(FAKE SOBBING) I learned it
by watching you.
83
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,734
Oh, my God.
84
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,107
Yeah, spoiler alert.
85
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,318
So, what do you suggest we do?
(GASPS)
86
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:53,651
We throw her a party.
With an enormous cake!
87
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,157
Cyril, can we spare another
five pounds of cocaine?
88
00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:57,411
Malory!
89
00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,535
2.27 kilograms, then!
90
00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,616
Who are you,
Thomas Corwin Mendenhall?
91
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:02,701
Right?
92
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:03,910
We're not killing Pam!
93
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,746
CHERYL: Wait, what?
Jesus.
94
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,422
Oh, come on in.
Make some more noise.
95
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,216
Just 'cause now
you're the fat one?
96
00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:11,168
Um, I said we were
not killing her.
97
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:12,502
Oh.
98
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,008
And, also,
this is a baby.
99
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,924
Ew! A baby, by the way,
that I did not eat,
100
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,179
but to which
I will give birth.
101
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,055
Ew!
(LAUGHS) Right?
102
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:23,435
Well, if she won't go to rehab and you
won't let her die with dignity...
103
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,936
From an overdose
of cocaine cake?
104
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,108
Oh, please.
105
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,312
Change the word "cocaine"
to "Cookie Puss"
106
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,940
and that's how her obituary was
going to read anyway. (DOOR OPENS)
107
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,367
I may have a simply
elegant solution.
108
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,861
Krieger.
Right?
109
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,490
This place
is like a Habitrail,
110
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:41,198
there are secret
passages everywhere.
111
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,000
I think that's why the colored
maids never felt safe.
112
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:47,124
They'd be polishing a spittoon
or whatever and suddenly,
113
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,547
Grandpa.
(ALL GASPING)
114
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,875
Yeah. And dressed up
like a ghost?
115
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:52,334
What is it with
your family wearing
116
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,090
ghost costumes
to scare black people?
117
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:55,921
What is it with
you people making
118
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,883
tit bondage pornos
in my ancestral home?
119
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,138
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
120
00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:02,219
Ooh, yeah.
121
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,559
So what's all this
about a solution?
122
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:05,639
Aha! Yes.
123
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,816
And what is on
my finger, you ask?
124
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,022
I promise you
no one is asking that.
125
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:12,274
Well, they should because
this nearly microscopic,
126
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,949
wittle-bitty guy is my new and
improved mind control chip.
127
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:19,745
Improved? On the one that made Len
Trexler think he was a giant lettuce?
128
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,118
(GASPS) Len Trexler...
129
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,162
Who the hell
is Len Trexler?
130
00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,163
Never heard of him.
131
00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,961
It's way improved,
and look how tiny.
132
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:31,210
I don't even need a drill. I can
inject it right through the temple.
133
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,087
Wait, what are we doing?
134
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,964
Stabbing science
into your brain.
135
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,886
What? It's for your
own good, dear.
136
00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:41,183
Yeah, so you don't wind up giving
blowjobs in a bus station toilet.
137
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:42,763
But for cocaine.
138
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,437
No! Let me go!
(GROWLING)
139
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:49,437
Krieger, do you think a chip could
cure someone of stage fright?
140
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,476
(GASPS) No way! Nope!
141
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:52,732
But you could be famous.
142
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:53,937
I could be lettuce!
143
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,363
Now, you listen
to me, missy.
144
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,236
You are getting
a brain chip,
145
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,818
and then you're going on
the Grand Old Opera,
146
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,778
and I don't care
if it kills you...
147
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,280
(ALL SCREAMING)
148
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,456
Pam, honey, just calm down!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
149
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:06,791
(ROARING)
150
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,539
Somebody do something!
151
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,370
Nobody do anything!
152
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:11,454
Lana.
153
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:12,831
(ROARING)
154
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,712
Lana!
Krieger!
155
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,134
Yeah, I'm on it.
MALORY: Ow!
156
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:18,257
Idiot.
157
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:19,845
(CHERYL SCREAMING)
158
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,138
Pam!
Lana!
159
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:28,556
This is only somewhat like
that old Gypsy woman said!
160
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:32,726
Lana.
161
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,402
What? God shit
damn it, Archer, what?
162
00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:36,271
Uh, never mind.
163
00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:37,401
Archer, I...
164
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,857
The last thing
you need right now
165
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:41,284
is a big, shit-eating
"I told you so."
166
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:44,112
But it's exactly
what you deserve.
167
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,243
And, Krieger, I hope
you have a lot more
168
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,325
where this
came from because...
169
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:50,540
Super. Hunting women
to force them
170
00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:52,166
to have surgery
against their will.
171
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,920
It's for Pam's own good. She'll die
if she doesn't quit eating cocaine.
172
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,091
And who's going to die
173
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,545
if you don't get rich managing
Cheryl's singing career?
174
00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:00,675
Maybe you.
175
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,468
Now, get out there
and have some fun!
176
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,174
How could we not?
177
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,268
Woodhouse, I swear to God, if you
tell me lunch is four minutes late...
178
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,769
No, sir.
There's a Mr. Holly here.
179
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:14,477
Sorry, an Agent Holly.
From the FBI.
180
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:15,811
(ALL GASPING)
181
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:19,398
But lunch
is still a firm 12:00.
182
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,906
(CHUCKLES) Firm 12.
183
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:25,953
You know, as in inches?
184
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,578
Jesus, 0.3048 meters.
185
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,876
Hi. Welcome to Nazi Canada!
186
00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:32,544
(IMITATES GAGGING)
187
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,469
MALORY:
Why is the FBI here?
188
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,172
Did he show you
a warrant?
189
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:44,471
No, sir, he...
190
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:47,221
Then tell him to go piss off, he
can't come inside without a warrant.
191
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,301
He...
192
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,511
Well, unless you
invite him in.
193
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:51,346
He's not
a vampire, idiot.
194
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:52,931
Plus, it's daytime.
195
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,140
If invited in,
196
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,397
law enforcement can enter
your home without a warrant.
197
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:59,317
Once inside, under the
doctrine of "plain view,"
198
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:02,195
anything illegal, say, a truckload
of cocaine in the kitchen,
199
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:03,820
can be lawfully
seized as evidence.
200
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,447
They can also enter
a private residence
201
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:07,655
under any number of
exigent circumstances,
202
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:10,331
like providing emergency
assistance to an occupant, say,
203
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,375
if they heard someone screaming...
(SCREAMING)
204
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,911
Good morning.
205
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,997
No, sir, good day.
206
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,333
I insist that you
leave immediately,
207
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,293
as you have entered
this residence unlawfully.
208
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,716
You want to jump
in here, Yoda's dad?
209
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:24,842
I invited him in.
210
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:25,888
Woodhouse!
211
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:29,059
And once you do that,
you know, we are in.
212
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,306
Not unlike vampires.
213
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:31,352
See?
What?
214
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:33,851
Be that as it may,
why are you here?
215
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:37,685
Oh, just checking in, making sure you
folks aren't engaging in treason,
216
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,440
espionage or
anything else illegal.
217
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,941
(CHUCKLES) Well, I can
assure you...
218
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,273
Like drugs.
Hmm?
219
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,447
Cocaine?
Nope.
220
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,241
Yakuza? Shootout?
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
221
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:47,535
No one here was
shot by the Yakuza?
222
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,738
(LAUGHING) Well,
I think we'd remember that.
223
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,198
Then what's
his problem?
224
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:52,248
Vasectomy.
Piles.
225
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,324
Gout.
Mumps.
226
00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:54,534
Gout mumps?
Progeria!
227
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:55,914
(SNIFFLES)
He's just a little boy.
228
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,041
But whatever is
wrong with him...
229
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,121
Gout mumps.
230
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,798
...is none of your business, and
since nothing in plain view
231
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,377
would lead a reasonable person
to suspect illegal activity,
232
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,303
I demand that you...
(RAY SCREAMING)
233
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,797
Nobody move!
234
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,177
Well?
235
00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:09,925
They can also do
what's known as a...
236
00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,635
HOLLY: Protective sweep!
237
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,603
Case law regarding
search-and-seizure
238
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,521
is actually
quite interesting...
239
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:18,100
What about the cocaine?
240
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,400
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
241
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,899
...admissible as evidence,
but only if he sees it.
242
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:24,902
So we have to keep him out of the kitchen.
All right, fan out!
243
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,404
Agent Holly
is the prime target, but...
244
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,077
So, just so we're clear,
you want us
245
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,620
to tranquilize
a federal agent?
246
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,242
Do you have
a better idea?
247
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:33,865
I do not.
248
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,167
Then we just slap some
panties and rouge on him,
249
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:38,870
pose him with Gillette,
whose fault this is,
250
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,921
make some glossy 8-by-10s.
251
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,123
I'll do it!
I have a camera! Dibs!
252
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:43,550
And then I doubt
we'll be hearing
253
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:45,127
from Agent Holly
in the future.
254
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,588
Or you could pose
him with Woodhouse.
255
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:48,637
What?
256
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,181
God knows,
he's a little GILF.
257
00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:51,675
Ew!
That's a thing?
258
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:54,181
How do you not know
the different kinds of porn?
259
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,763
Because I have sex
with actual women, Cyril!
260
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:59,144
My girlfriend's not equal
parts the Internet,
261
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,771
a tube of Kentucky jelly,
262
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,523
self-loathing
and a sock!
263
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,276
Tell that to your cellmate!
Now, go!
264
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,565
You scared
the shit out of me!
265
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,447
Ugh! What, literally?
266
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,449
Seriously, dude,
what is up with you?
267
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:16,284
I could walk, and now I can't, and
ain't nobody loves old Ray no more.
268
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,702
(SOBBING) Well, yeah,
you're disgusting.
269
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:23,040
But, you, I am totally digging
this whole Queen Kong vibe.
270
00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:24,298
(ROARS)
271
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,546
(SOBBING)
272
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:29,387
My God, are they
torturing a woman?
273
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,428
Hang on, ma'am! I'm a federal
agent, and I'm coming!
274
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,472
By God, I am coming!
275
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:36,469
Okay, you three head upstairs...
Hang on.
276
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:37,805
I'm going to
the kitchen to make sure
277
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,139
he doesn't
stumble onto the coke.
278
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,269
Hang on.
What?
279
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,816
Question.
What?
280
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,939
Are we not saying
"phrasing" anymore?
281
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:46,441
Which, that's fine, whatever,
but if we're doing a new thing
282
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:49,070
and nobody told me, that
I'd have a problem with.
283
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,822
HOLLY: Oh, screw me!
284
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,906
Said Ripley to
the android Bishop.
285
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,204
Wait, hang on. Um...
286
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,169
God damn it! What was
wrong with "phrasing"?
287
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:04,373
Nothing! I'm fine. Just
get out, leave me alone!
288
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:08,127
I just need to be sure you're not
being held here against your...
289
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,920
That is a federal offense!
290
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,802
I said, get out!
291
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,259
Oh, hey, remind me
to reboot the CPU
292
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,684
in Ray's spine
so he can walk again.
293
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,887
What? A reboot?
That's all it takes?
294
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,185
Beep-boop. He's been
paralyzed for months.
295
00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:22,811
What the hell have
you been waiting for?
296
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,852
Think how much
happier he'll be now.
297
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,025
Or, and I'm just
spitballing here,
298
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,527
I find Holly first,
show him the coke,
299
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:32,405
get immunity,
testify against them,
300
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:35,783
then you and I go
into witness protection
301
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,581
and spend the rest of our
miserable lives on the run,
302
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:41,535
hounded by the fact that we
betrayed our friends. Oh...
303
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,838
Or I get arrested and give birth
in a super-max prison and...
304
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,211
Oh, wait. Does the baby
grow up in prison or...
305
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,462
(DOOR CREAKING)
306
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:49,797
(GROANS)
307
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,423
Hello, old friend.
308
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:52,719
What the shit, Archer?
309
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,217
Hang on.
(THUD)
310
00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:55,799
I knew you'd shoot
without looking.
311
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,805
Oh, really,
you know me that well?
312
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,728
Well enough to know you're down here
wondering if witness protection
313
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,555
ever sends people
to the Virgin Islands.
314
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:03,936
Well, in case
you'd forgotten,
315
00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,767
I have an unborn child
to think about!
316
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:08,228
Jesus Christ, Lana,
who can forget?
317
00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:10,029
It's baby this,
baby that.
318
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:13,825
Aw... Baby Archer,
who's a jeawous baby?
319
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,244
What? Holy shit,
do you have anemia?
320
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:17,741
No.
Uh, edema,
321
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:22,166
hypertension, preeclampsia,
Braxton Hicks contractions, pica?
322
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:25,955
GERD? Lana, do you have GERD?
(CLEARS THROAT)
323
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,206
How do you know
about the various
324
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,132
possible complications
of pregnancy?
325
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,382
Archer?
Maybe I looked it up.
326
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,550
Why?
327
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,848
I was concerned
about you. Blow me!
328
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,346
Just making sure you're
not into preggo porn.
329
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,269
Oh, God damn it!
That can't be a thing!
330
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:44,939
(CHUCKLES)
It is absolutely a thing,
331
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,607
and do you just not have
the Internet, or...
332
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,310
I have Minitel, okay?
333
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,605
A, not the Internet,
B, only works in...
334
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:52,814
France, Lana.
335
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,570
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
336
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:56,743
Okay, um,
thanks for your concern,
337
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:58,195
and I don't know
what you think
338
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,780
you heard about
witness protection, but...
339
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,285
They don't make babies
grow up in prison, Lana.
340
00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:03,412
Yeah, right?
341
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,164
They take them away
the minute they're born
342
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,870
and send them
to an orphanage.
343
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,963
No, not the minute
they're...
344
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,540
That very minute, Lana!
345
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,125
They don't even
dry them off!
346
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:14,047
(SOBBING)
347
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:18,223
So if I were you, I'd run out that
door while I still had a chance.
348
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,720
But Archer, I...
349
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,976
I'd also waste
five precious minutes
350
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,053
of my head start
in the race to freedom
351
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:28,608
giving that swell guy Archer a
combination good-bye/thank-you blowjob.
352
00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:33,521
(LAUGHING)
353
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,315
Asshole.
354
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:36,775
Yeah, or a rim job.
355
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,742
What do you care? You're never
going to see him again.
356
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:40,157
I can't.
357
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,284
I know.
I was kidding, stupid.
358
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,283
I mean I can't
leave you, stupid!
359
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:46,534
(BANGING ON DOOR)
360
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:48,039
HOLLY: This is the FBI!
361
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,792
Open this door!
362
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,000
Well, not now, stupid.
363
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:55,547
And so, wait. Where did
we land on that blowjob?
364
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,091
Sorry, rim job.
365
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,640
HOLLY: Do you hear me?
Open this door!
366
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:10,647
Obstructing a federal agent is
a felony punishable (GROANS)
367
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,773
by up to
20 years imprisonment,
368
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:16,694
if said obstruction results in
the bodily injury of said agent,
369
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:21,028
which I think may have just happened
to said agent's rotator cuff.
370
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:22,536
Twenty years?
371
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,034
Lana, look at
all that coke!
372
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:27,208
Twenty years is just going to be
the Bacos on our prison salad.
373
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,581
Besides, technically, Woodhouse
is the one obstructing.
374
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:30,707
Archer!
Relax.
375
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,414
They don't send
people that old to prison.
376
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:35,171
It costs, like, two grand a
day just to keep them alive.
377
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,592
I'm talking about us!
378
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:37,714
Hmm. I don't know.
379
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,888
100 bucks?
Depends who you ask, Lana.
380
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,431
Liberals say this much,
conservatives say this much...
381
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,976
So, now you're just dicking around?
Yes.
382
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:46,974
Between the FBI
and a ton of cocaine.
383
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,054
Yes.
384
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,560
So, can I assume
you have a plan?
385
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:51,641
Yes.
386
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,319
I mean, I don't,
but you can...
387
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,147
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
388
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:58,815
(GRUNTS)
389
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,070
I'm coming!
390
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:01,366
ARCHER: Said Ripley to...
391
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,069
Ow! God damn it, woman!
392
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,617
Come on!
Why are you slowing down?
393
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:09,872
Need... (PANTING)
Got to... More cocaine.
394
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,585
So, please don't
take this the wrong way,
395
00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:15,131
because I'm loving being your
Esmeralda, but you may have a problem.
396
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:18,798
And it sounds like the
solution is more cocaine,
397
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:20,753
so turn left up there.
398
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,048
But why are you leaving?
399
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:26,101
They can't compel a husband and
wife to testify against each other!
400
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:29,061
Oh, yeah? They may not
have to compel me. (GASPS)
401
00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:31,356
And what is that
supposed to mean?
402
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:35,026
Why don't you ask that guy you
never heard of, Len Trexler?
403
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:36,686
How can I?
I've never heard of him.
404
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,151
You wouldn't know the truth
if it bit you on the ass
405
00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:40,402
and held on,
would you?
406
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:41,949
Ron, wait!
407
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:43,025
What?
408
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:47,368
Well, if you insist on being
an ass, I can't stop you,
409
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,290
but there is
the small matter
410
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:51,993
of my putting the deed to
my apartment in your name.
411
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,955
(LAUGHS)
It's your loss!
412
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,254
I'll mail you your furs.
413
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,003
(GASPS) Don't you dare!
414
00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:00,585
At the very least, I insist
on a bonded courier!
415
00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:02,511
Ron?
416
00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:05,139
ARCHER:
Ow! Lana, cut it... Ow!
417
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:06,924
(GRUNTS)
418
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:09,135
What's this door
made out of, Mithril?
419
00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:16,151
Just once, why can't you take
anything seriously, just once?
420
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,819
I was serious
about that rim job. Ow!
421
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:20,863
Seriously,
please stop hitting me.
422
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,739
What the...
423
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,488
Oh, thank God!
424
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,114
Cyril? Wait.
How did you...
425
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,696
This house is insane.
426
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:30,622
And scary and gross, and I'm
pretty sure I smelled a skeleton.
427
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,371
No, you definitely
smelled a skeleton.
428
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,327
Well, this is great!
How?
429
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,037
I inhaled skeleton!
430
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,543
Because now the coke
(PAM GRUNTING)
431
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:39,840
is getting eaten by Pam!
432
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,213
Quick, make the wall
spin around again!
433
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:42,714
It just kind of
spun by itself!
434
00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:46,548
Jesus Christ, have you people
never even heard of Scooby Doo?
435
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,092
Oh, come on!
436
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,015
Uh, Pam?
437
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,430
(ROARING)
438
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,398
Ah, crap.
439
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:58,689
(GROWLING)
440
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:01,608
(LAUGHING)
441
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:04,031
(WHIMPERING)
442
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:06,238
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
443
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:08,115
That's so freaking unsafe.
444
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,867
Okay, Krieger, Cyril,
get in there,
445
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,118
and we'll spin
you back around.
446
00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:12,870
Archer... Why do I have
to go back in there?
447
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:13,996
Because I said so!
448
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,372
KRIEGER:
Yeah, plus skeletons?
449
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:16,919
LANA: Archer?
Got it.
450
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,291
Oh! God damn it!
451
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:22,174
Godspeed, you meddling kids.
(WOODHOUSE MOANS)
452
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:26,175
And sir, I'm afraid your breakfast
will be four minutes late.
453
00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,382
Yeah, duh,
I already berated you.
454
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,807
Woodhouse,
get away from the door!
455
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,226
God damn it!
456
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,474
Just what do you people think
the letters FBI stand for?
457
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,899
I bought a T-shirt once where it
stood for "Female Body Inspector."
458
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:40,022
(CHUCKLES) God, is Myrtle
Beach not the best?
459
00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:43,901
Pull a stunt like this again, you'll
never make it back to Myrtle Beach.
460
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,732
I probably wasn't
going to, anyway.
461
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,783
Turns out it's actually
not the best.
462
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:50,657
And you actually have no
right to search this house.
463
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,239
As you can see, there's
nothing illegal going on.
464
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,745
Maybe not now,
but I know you still have
465
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:58,624
a lot of international
contacts from your ISIS days.
466
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,922
Mexico, Colombia,
the Orient.
467
00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,092
I bet it wouldn't be too hard to
get set up in the drug trade.
468
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:05,668
Well, you'd be...
(GROANS)
469
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,879
We're not drug dealers,
Agent Holly.
470
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:11,725
Good, because I'll be
watching you like a hawk
471
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,642
that's been
bred with an eagle.
472
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:17,689
To produce some sort of
eagle-eyed super-hawk.
473
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:19,231
With a badge.
474
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,156
So, am I crazy,
or is he super weird?
475
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:30,030
(GROANS) Well, I'm torn,
Lana, I really am.
476
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,201
I want to say both,
477
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:33,905
but I also don't want you
to stop my heart again, so...
478
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:36,787
Who's da widdle baby?
Who's da widdle baby?
479
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:39,745
Who's da widdle baby? Yes,
he is, widdle, little baby!
480
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,830
CYRIL: Wait. The brain chip
is in there?
481
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,210
I told you it was small.
482
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,634
Said Ripley to the...
No, doesn't work there.
483
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:47,710
Yeah, it's crap.
484
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,388
Okay, I actually only have
one brain chip, so...
485
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,807
Who's our lucky winner?
486
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:56,011
Hmm. I guess we have to decide
if we want regular lame Cheryl
487
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,221
and a Pam who's not going to
overdose on cocaine and die,
488
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:02,901
or potentially famous country singer
Cheryl and a Pam who... Tits.
489
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:04,481
Flip a coin?
490
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,233
No.
491
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,074
And, yeah, he's a weirdo, but
I think Agent Holly's right.
492
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,572
We do have a lot of
international connections.
493
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,031
So, I'm thinking I should take
a trip down old Mexico way,
494
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:19,458
maybe Colombia,
or even Southeast Asia, or...
495
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,122
Hey, where's Ron?
496
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:22,249
Never heard of him.
497
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,081
Lana, let it go. Jesus.
498
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:30,090
But maybe we should try to sell
out to an international cartel.
499
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,680
But let me be clear.
500
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,348
You won't be
gallivanting around
501
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,640
under the pretense
of work
502
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,060
just to visit the
fleshpots of the world.
503
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,058
This isn't ISIS.
No, I...
504
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:42,890
And it definitely
isn't your semester abroad.
505
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,566
What? Come on, that's...
506
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,360
Hey, I don't think we need
to go into all the...
507
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:48,529
Cobra whiskey and lady boys.
I mean...
508
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:49,651
Ha!
509
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,403
Shut up.
You shut up!
510
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:54,986
And Krieger? I trust the brain
chip implant was a success?
511
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:58,243
I think. I mean, it's in
there and she's alive.
512
00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:01,292
Now we just have to wait to see if
there are any adverse side effects.
513
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,285
(YAWNING)
514
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,709
Uh... Cheryl?
515
00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,382
Nah, Cheryl's gone.
516
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,800
I'm Cherlene now.
517
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,752
And if somebody
don't fry me
518
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:14,214
six goddamn eggs
and some Carolina fries,
519
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:17,140
I would personally be
shocked, shocked, I tell you,
520
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,514
if by morning this place
ain't burned to the ground.
521
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,103
(YAWNING)
522
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:31,690
And I'm not a doctor, but, I mean,
I'm definitely a doctor, so.
523
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:35,114
No, I think we're good.
Yup. yup, yup.
524
00:20:40,814 --> 00:20:50,902
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)