This is why I buy my food from gas stations. Ripped By mstoll
Nick, you knocked over a wheelbarrow full of fruit and then you actually skipped away.
Guys, I'm trying to concentrate, okay?
The L.A.P.D. Does not offer entrance exams every single day. Just Mondays and Fridays.
But I am not waiting till Friday. Hey, why do you have so much fruit?
Because this one ran into his ex-girlfriend at the farmer's market.
- Nick? - Hey, no way.
Caroline of my past. What a pleasant surprise.
My ex-Iover...
Agh!
I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past.
You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon.
I'm really friends with Berkley and we had a terrible breakup... What?
You have a good relationship because he wants to bone you.
He's a stay-at-home dad. His entire life revolves around his family.
He's the most emotionally evolved person I know.
I'm sure his favorite emotion...
...is the emotion of wanting to bone you. - That's not an emotion.
Possible sex is the only reason people stay "friends" with their exes.
- Come on. - Back me up, Winnie the Bish.
- It's true. I'm friends with all my exes'... - See?
...families. - Ha, ha. See?
I still send Shelby's dad a Father's Day card. He still sends me 5 bucks on my birthday.
What's wrong with you?
- Hey, guys. - I bet Coach is friends with his exes.
- Oh, for sure. - Yeah, I'm right.
- For sex. - No.
- Ha, ha! I'm right. - Can't spell "sex" without the "ex."
Man, is that sexy when he does that.
Announcement. I finally finished my loft. Hold the applause.
Let's go. All right. Come on.
Come on, you guys. All together now.
We're not... Who's coming? Let's go. Come on, Nick.
- I don't wanna go. Thanks for the invite. - No, come on. Winnie.
No?
- [SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?
It's Jess
JESS: You and Caroline still need some closure.
What do you want me to say?
That I walked out on her and now I'm dating you?
We started dating a year after you broke up.
That doesn't matter. She's got a crazy streak.
This is bound to set her off. What if she hurts me physically?
- What if she hurts me with words? - Talk to her. Clear the air.
You'll feel better. She'll feel better. Besides, I can't give up that farmer's market.
Strolling around, chatting with vendors, it's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone.
I think a lot of ladies do.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hey... Ahem.
Hey...
[COUGHS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
Sorry about that. I haven't spoken to anybody all day. Phlegm buildup.
I've been cooped up all day in my loft apartment. So much space for one person.
You could scream in there. Nobody would ever hear you.
I'm gonna go.
Bye.
- What is going on? - May I speak plainly with you, Cecilia?
I'm in a bit of a sexual drought.
The Good Valley Schmidt hasn't seen rain in months.
You're just giving off a creepy vibe.
All right, living alone is messing up your game and it's making you weird.
Yeah, but I love living alone.
Where are you, grapes?
Gra-pes.
Great apes?
Grapes, we have you surrounded. Come out with your stems up.
[SOBBING]
Guess my game could be upped if I increased my human contact a little bit.
Good. Because you're caressing your own arm right now.
- Mm. - It's not normal, man.
I've been working out. It feels...
I just wanna know why you walked out.
Was there something else going on? Was there someone else?
Can I just say, I really wish this coffee was a giant beer.
And I wish this scone was a whiskey and I could just drink one and chase them.
This is nice. I'm glad we're doing this.
So how'd it go?
We gabbed like a couple of washer women over the back fence.
That's great. I'm so proud of you.
You two are dating?
I knew it. I knew it was her.
What...? You didn't tell her we were together?
I told her we were together.
I'm not getting away with this. I didn't tell her.
CAROLINE: Screw you, Miller!
I don't understand. You talked for 30 minutes.
How did our relationship not come up?
I got scared. There were so many things I wanted to tell her.
You ever thought how weird it'd be if you just gave up your thumb? Heh.
How would you give a thumbs-up? Like this? I think a guy died in the building...
...because in the dumpster was a bunch of clothes that fit me.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] What I like to do now is take the Underground, yeah?
Spend my quid. Cheers?
[PHONE BEEPS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, crap, this is her.
- She thinks I cheated, Jess. - Know who you should talk to?
Berkley. He's so good at this stuff. Friendship. Closure.
He did write a book about it. It's an e-book.
I gave it four stars, but it falls apart at the end.
He goes into God in a way I don't think he needs to. I'm gonna text him.
Why would I talk to your ex-boyfriend about my ex-girlfriend?
- You need his help. - You're write...? Can I see?
- Yeah. - "Hey, babe..." Don't call him babe.
- It's what we call each other. - "BF problems"?
- "My boyfriend is having problems." - "XOXO"?
- It's a really common greeting. - Kissing you, hugging you?
What else am I gonna write, "O-O-O"? That just looks like:
"Oooooh."
- You're leading him on, Jess. - Oh, Nick.
- You are. - Berkley's gonna teach you a lot.
Men don't talk to people they've dated unless they want sex or they're Winston.
- I also want sex. - Going to Schmidt's.
He's been begging us all week.
Look, Jess, men are sick.
Look, I'm a relatively good guy, but even I'm a sicko.
Luckily, we have the Internet as a community...
[PHONE BEEPS]
Oh, this is terrible.
She's quoting scriptures, but using tons of cuss words.
This is as bad as it gets with Caroline.
Berkley's around the corner at his baby's world-music class.
Okay, you know what? I'm in.
- Great. - What beer does he like?
- He doesn't. - Great. I cannot wait to meet him.
Fellas. You made it. As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub.
I'll probably get ham.
Wow, man. Ha-ha-ha.
- It's nice inside here, man. - Yeah.
- Like a European airport. - What's that? You wanna watch the game?
Which one? Basketball? Football?
Of Thrones?
BOTH: Oh!
WINSTON: That is awesome, man.
Look at this place. You got so many plush surfaces.
There are 15 different bang spots here.
Each one specifically designated to its own sexual position.
That's standing. Sitting. That's diagonal.
- That's how I do it. - The "Why, why? Because."
The Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel. The Red Beanbag Chair.
Pretty obvious, but that's a good one.
The Glass Menagerie. The Bike Share.
- Nice. - The "Backwards, oops."
- What's "Backwards, oops"? - When you don't wanna put it... Mm.
- You don't know. - I don't... I've done it.
I've done it, but I didn't know I was doing it. Heh, it was:
Super cool, dude. I wish I had my own place.
Guys, mi casa es su casa. I even made you guys keys.
- What? - Check these out.
- That one's yours. - It looks like a guitar.
- That's because you're rocking. - Mine is...
It's a rainbow kissing a star.
- You like it? - Blah.
- Yeah. - Guys, hang out here any time you want.
- Even now. Who's thirsty? COACH: Nice.
- Right there. - Dude, shut up.
Damn, man, you're like James Bond.
- Heh. - I'll be Moneypenny, for sure.
- Wait, which one is Moneypenny? - It's the woman.
Oh.
Did the store have that highchair you were looking for?
No, not the one I wanted. So I think I'm just gonna...
...order it online. - Order it online.
- You still got it. - You still got it.
- Big deal. I've been online too. I still got it. - It's different.
[PHONE BEEPS]
So this is the problem. Nick didn't tell his ex we were together...
...and she found out and now she's really, really upset.
This is the scariest one yet. Just a bunch of smiley faces.
Okay, um, not to be all guy-with-a-baby...
...but, uh, exes are really a lot like newborns, okay?
The burps can be so yucky, but you know what comes after a burp?
- What? - A big old smile.
Aw.
What the hell are you talking about?
- It was a metaphor. BERKLEY: A classic fatherhood metaphor.
My point is, you just need to face her and let her get it all off her chest.
- I feel like I've done that. - No, you didn't.
You talked and talked about nothing for 30 minutes.
Look, I know it's hard. I know that, man. I'm here and I'm hearing it.
I mean, when Jess and I did this, I think we cried for like two days.
At least. But look, now I have such a good friend...
...and we talk all the time, and he's such a good listener.
Say what? I can't hear you.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Is this real? You guys saw each other naked and now you're friends?
Yes. It's the purest form of friendship. Straight Leno and Eubanks.
[GIGGLING]
I just wanna say, you're incredible and I'm so lucky to have you in my life.
- Okay. I took your advice. - What do we got?
"My bad. Let's be friends, K?"
Smooth, but tough.
That's not good, Nick.
Friendship is a, um... It's like a beautiful flower.
You have to nourish it, okay? You can't just buy it at a store.
First of all, it was a draft, okay? And I'll fix it.
And second of all, with all due respect...
...you can buy a flower at a store.
Ha, ha. Millered.
SCHMIDT: I know, as an angel, you usually sleep in heaven...
...but care to spend the evening at my place?
I think maybe I would.
Fantastic choice.
Here's my address.
There's usually no place to park.
- Well, so where would l...? - You're a big girl. You'll figure it out.
Just try south of 6th. There's usually a string of open spaces down there.
And there's not a right turn on red on 5th. Just FYI.
I've been wanting to end things with Claire for years. I'm gonna do it.
It's gonna take one phone call. She's gonna burn all my clothes.
I don't care. I only wanna wear Henleys anyway.
- Jess, we can finally be together. - What? Wait, no. Leave your wife?
For you. I'm gonna leave my wife for you.
- Wait, what? - "Thank you for being so incredible.
I'm so lucky to have you in my life"? Jess, when you said those words, I knew.
Berkley, there has been a fundamental misunderstanding here.
You know the last time Claire thanked me for anything?
When I was pulling out her chair at our wedding.
- She doesn't appreciate me like you do. - No, it's not happening. No, no.
Agh! Damn it, Winston. Oh, God. Pretend this is attached and there's water coming out.
Okay.
- No, not like that. - Whoosh.
It's not sexual. No. I'm not feeding you water.
- Wet my mouth. - No.
Oh, hi. Are you Schmidt's friend?
What? Schmidt's friend?
Where you at? Because I'm ready to ea...
Hey. My good friend, Frank...
...Scabopolis.
Give me a hug, you Greek son of a bitch. Come here.
- Where's this coming from? - You. The phone calls. The texts.
"Boyfriend problems." "I need you."
- Hugs, kisses. More hugs and more kisses. - What?
You have been setting up dominoes for 10 years, and now they're falling.
You have a baby, sir.
And you are gonna make such a good stepmom.
I love you, Jessica.
God, it feels good to say that out loud and not just to my sleeping wife.
NICK: Unh! Guys, I need your help. - Ah. Uh, you, hey.
Nick was right about you and he can't know that. Put a sock in it.
- What is wrong with me? - Hi.
I keep trying to write to Caroline, but I'm choking. I can't get past "What's up, C?"
[PHONE BEEPS]
That's her. It says, "Come to the window, friend." Friend?
- That's good. - That's a good thing. Yeah.
Caroline, hey.
You cheat on me and then you wanna be friends?
I'm just writing you an e-mail.
It's not sending. I'm gonna throw it down, but I need my phone back.
- We talk now. NICK: Caroline. Hey.
[ALARM WAILING]
- Stop. - I'm really excited to...
- No. ...talk to you guys.
Stop. That's not my car.
Tell Jess I said hi.
Caroline, I parked down the street.
Why am I telling you?
At least she can't get into the building.
Okay, what am I gonna do?
- She cut off the power. - That was you. You turned off the light.
- All the other lights are still on. - My bad. Thank you.
I know you're scared. Let me be brave.
You should go because you have a wife and a baby and you love them.
Jess. What are you, crazy? It's not safe out there. Berkley can't go. He stays here.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- I'll be with you in just one second, all right? - Mm-hm.
Don't drink the water by the bed. It's got my contacts in it. Ha-ha-ha.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?
Tell her I'd like to be reimbursed for those strawberries.
- Dude. - Why is she calling you Schmidt?
In case we saw your mail.
I don't just leave mail out. This isn't a small business. Get out.
Dude, I'm about to seal the deal.
I'm about to... I'm a deal-sealer.
I'm about to get some squish, dude.
- I'm about to nail it into the wall. - I'm about to take down that va-dragon.
I'm about to pin the tail on the va-donkey. You better not stand in the way of this.
Don't call her a va-donkey. I don't know her and I want her to leave...
...but don't call her a va-donkey. - All right. Please, I need this.
- Okay, fine. I will use the guest room. - Yes.
Like an animal.
[MUTTERS]
Agh! Winston. What are you doing?
We were just playing a game. You know, bad cop, bad cop.
It's me, Bertie.
[SHUDDERS]
Um, I might have been wrong about some things.
Um, some Berkley things.
The screaming stopped. I knew she'd run out of gas.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
CAROLINE: "My bad. Let's be friends, K"?
You couldn't even write out "okay"?
It's go time, Nick. Time to break out that burp cloth.
Let's give him some space. Like going to a motel.
I don't love you.
- I got a slight beer buzz. Let's do it. - Don't go.
- You wanted me to talk to her. - Don't go.
I'm sorry, you don't love me?
- Say again? - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. Then why have you led me on... - What?
...for 10 years? - Oh, hell on Earth, no.
Oh, my God. I was right.
- He wants to bone you. - Oh, come on, Nick.
Caroline, I'll be right there.
I'm so sorry, Berkley, you got cut off.
- Thank you, sir. - No.
- May 2004... - [MOUTHS] I was right.
...you brushed my hand at a Dave Matthews concert...
...during "Two Step." - "Two Step"?
- Oh, my God. - The time I helped you move.
I came over wearing sweatpants. You couldn't stop staring at my rig.
- Loves looking at rigs. - Why are you calling it a rig?
- You're doing it again. - One second, Caroline.
Open this door!
- Think I wear this sweater because I like it? - It's handsome.
- That's right. I love you. - No.
BERKLEY: What do you mean, no? - Ooh!
Open the door! Come on!
- Schmidt? - You said that I was incredible.
And you were so lucky. Now here we are, trying to hook up Nick with his ex...
JESS: Wait a minute. - That's not what we're doing.
- So let's just do it. Come on. - Wait, no.
- No, no. - Oh, no.
NICK: No, what are you doing? JESS: Oh, no.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
- Caroline. - Yeah.
You stole my boyfriend.
Schmidt.
Be right there. That should buy us some time.
Coach, stay with your girl, who thinks you're me, in my bedroom.
Winston, stay in the guest room with Bertie doing whatever you're doing.
- Reps. - I'm gonna keep Sarah... Almost there.
I'm gonna keep Sarah in the living room using one of the open-floor-plan bang spots.
Now, no exits, no entrances, no Noises Off baloney. Capiche?
- Confirm my capiche. - Ay, capiche.
- Let's go. Do it. - Yeah.
- Guys, guys. - Right.
This is the exact type of baloney I'm talking about. Unbelievable.
Guys, guys. I'm really glad that we're doing this.
- Okay. - All right.
I did not steal your boyfriend.
Timeline, now.
Okay. Um, you and Nick break up.
London has a great Olympics. Uh-oh, trouble in Syria.
Board up your windows, super storm Sandy.
Hey, over here. Me and Nick get together.
Here is that beautiful Sunday in the park we went to.
- Shut up, Berkley. - No, you shut up, Jess.
- Don't take this out on Jess. - Oh, right, it's the beginning.
You're being supportive. He's still trying. I bet he's still laughing at all yourjokes.
Well, I have a great instinct for comedy.
Well, you know what? You enjoy all that while it lasts, because I'll tell you what.
It's not gonna be long before he stops holding your hand...
...and starts high-fiving you.
And he stops letting you be the little spoon.
And he starts drifting off during important conversations.
Are you even listening right now?
- What's that? - Seriously, Nick?
Jess, you're the girlfriend now, but one day you're gonna be the ex.
And two years after he breaks up with you, he still won't tell you why.
Um, okay, well, um, this has been a really neat talk, so, um...
I'm gonna go sit in the shower...
...and, um, go over the greatest hits in my mind.
I'll just be here picturing the whole sudsy thing.
Hey, I'm right here. A little respect.
- I know, but... This is obviously happening. JESS: No, it's not.
Where's your brain?
Hey, Jess, you okay?
No.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I've led a very fortunate life.
- Look, Jess, you were right. - No, you were right.
I feel like such a fool.
- You were right about everything. - No, I wasn't.
Caroline deserves to know why I left.
You should hear it too.
- I'm thirsty. Stop. Let me go. - No, no, no. Come, come, come. Whoa.
- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you?
- Schmidt. - What?
Frank Scabopolis is up in here making out with some bitch.
- That's not necessary. I mean... - Who's Frank Scabopolis?
- Aren't you Schmidt? - I am Schmidt.
- I thought you were Schmidt. - I am Schmidt.
- Uh...? COACH: Buh...
- We're brothers. - We are. What an upbringing that was.
Same mom, different dads. That's why I'm browner.
- Then who the hell is Frank Scabopolis? - Yeah.
I am Frank Scabopolis.
[GROANS]
Is this helping, Schmidt? I forgot the plan.
- Winston, please shut up. - Plan? What plan?
No plan. I know nothing about a plan.
Is this some little nasty group-sex games y'all got going on up in here?
- Been a couple of years, but I'm down. - Oh.
- I didn't wanna know that. - I am out of here.
- I'm way ahead of you. - No, please.
- No, no. - Sarah, please, wait. I can...
Just...
Ahem. Well, I'm gonna go back to bed.
- Schmidt, that mattress is heaven. - It's pretty good.
See? You don't think I'm scary, do you, baby? Whoa!
- No. Hey, no. No. - I was just kidding.
There's something I need to say.
- Nick, you don't have to do this. NICK: No, I do.
Look, I never cheated on you, but I might as well have.
See, I fell in love with Jess the moment she walked through the door.
- Boo! - Really?
Sorry.
The moment I walked through the door? Really?
Because I thought I annoyed you.
- Can we do this later? It's not a great... - Yeah. Got it.
Caroline, she's the reason that I left.
I always thought that it was Jess.
I'm glad I'm not crazy.
- Well... - Hmm.
- Thanks for telling the truth. - Sorry it didn't happen sooner.
- Don't touch me. - I'm so sorry.
- I was kidding. - There's that famous Milwaukee humor.
- I'm not from Milwaukee. - You honestly scare me.
- Goodbye, Nick. - Goodbye.
Hey. Look, Berkley, um...
...I'm so sorry that you got the wrong idea about us.
You were right.
I did play some part in it.
Thank you.
- Good luck, Jessica. - Thanks.
See you later, bud.
I really don't wanna go back to my wife. Wanna play cards?
- Go. Just go. - Get out of here.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- The moment I walked through that door? - Just be cool about it.
Because for me it was way later.
- I know. - Like a lot later.
Oh, come here already.
- Could use that. - That's the Glass Menagerie.
- I'll sit her down right on top of that. - Absolutely.
The, uh, Star 68.
- Where's that at? - Right there on that pillow.
The Jumanji.
Yeah, you could do the U-Iock on here. That'd be cool.
The Jean-Michel Basquiat.
- Oh, okay. - The Fabric Softener.
That's the Kansas City Shaker.
- This here? I like that. - Yeah.
- Back there, that's the Nia Vardalos. - Whoo.
- Heh. Nice. - That's nice, dude.
That one's Sex on the Rug.
Which is... And again, it's pretty obvious, but that's...
You know, why mess with a classic? Ripped By mstoll