1
00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:03,069
This is why I buy my food
from gas stations.
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:03,303 --> 00:00:07,797
Nick, you knocked over a wheelbarrow full
of fruit and then you actually skipped away.
3
00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:09,804
Guys, I'm trying to concentrate, okay?
4
00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:14,139
The L.A.P.D. Does not offer entrance exams
every single day. Just Mondays and Fridays.
5
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:18,112
But I am not waiting till Friday.
Hey, why do you have so much fruit?
6
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:22,014
Because this one ran into his ex-girlfriend
at the farmer's market.
7
00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:25,157
- Nick?
- Hey, no way.
8
00:00:26,292 --> 00:00:30,126
Caroline of my past.
What a pleasant surprise.
9
00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:31,627
My ex-Iover...
10
00:00:31,831 --> 00:00:32,957
Agh!
11
00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:35,430
I don't deal with exes,
they're part of the past.
12
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:39,468
You burn them swiftly
and you give their ashes to Poseidon.
13
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:43,039
I'm really friends with Berkley
and we had a terrible breakup... What?
14
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,473
You have a good relationship
because he wants to bone you.
15
00:00:45,678 --> 00:00:49,079
He's a stay-at-home dad.
His entire life revolves around his family.
16
00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:51,912
He's the most emotionally evolved person
I know.
17
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:53,608
I'm sure his favorite emotion...
18
00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:57,084
...is the emotion of wanting to bone you.
- That's not an emotion.
19
00:00:57,290 --> 00:01:00,748
Possible sex is the only reason
people stay "friends" with their exes.
20
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,894
- Come on.
- Back me up, Winnie the Bish.
21
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:05,530
- It's true. I'm friends with all my exes'...
- See?
22
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:07,063
...families.
- Ha, ha. See?
23
00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:11,533
I still send Shelby's dad a Father's Day card.
He still sends me 5 bucks on my birthday.
24
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:12,830
What's wrong with you?
25
00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:15,405
- Hey, guys.
- I bet Coach is friends with his exes.
26
00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:17,200
- Oh, for sure.
- Yeah, I'm right.
27
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,536
- For sex.
- No.
28
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,441
- Ha, ha! I'm right.
- Can't spell "sex" without the "ex."
29
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:23,946
Man, is that sexy when he does that.
30
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:28,847
Announcement. I finally finished my loft.
Hold the applause.
31
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:33,919
Let's go. All right. Come on.
32
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,859
Come on, you guys. All together now.
33
00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,589
We're not... Who's coming? Let's go.
Come on, Nick.
34
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,292
- I don't wanna go. Thanks for the invite.
- No, come on. Winnie.
35
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:46,294
No?
36
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,338
- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
37
00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:51,373
It's Jess
38
00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:58,382
JESS:
You and Caroline still need some closure.
39
00:01:58,585 --> 00:01:59,847
What do you want me to say?
40
00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:02,384
That I walked out on her
and now I'm dating you?
41
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:04,784
We started dating
a year after you broke up.
42
00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:07,084
That doesn't matter.
She's got a crazy streak.
43
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,796
This is bound to set her off.
What if she hurts me physically?
44
00:02:10,997 --> 00:02:14,057
- What if she hurts me with words?
- Talk to her. Clear the air.
45
00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:19,330
You'll feel better. She'll feel better.
Besides, I can't give up that farmer's market.
46
00:02:19,539 --> 00:02:23,600
Strolling around, chatting with vendors,
it's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone.
47
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,402
I think a lot of ladies do.
48
00:02:27,046 --> 00:02:28,343
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
49
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,782
Hey... Ahem.
50
00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:35,576
Hey...
51
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,188
[COUGHS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
52
00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:42,157
Sorry about that. I haven't spoken
to anybody all day. Phlegm buildup.
53
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:47,589
I've been cooped up all day in my loft
apartment. So much space for one person.
54
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:50,462
You could scream in there.
Nobody would ever hear you.
55
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,001
I'm gonna go.
56
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,435
Bye.
57
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:59,577
- What is going on?
- May I speak plainly with you, Cecilia?
58
00:02:59,979 --> 00:03:01,640
I'm in a bit of a sexual drought.
59
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,316
The Good Valley Schmidt
hasn't seen rain in months.
60
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,508
You're just giving off a creepy vibe.
61
00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:10,278
All right, living alone is messing up
your game and it's making you weird.
62
00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:12,014
Yeah, but I love living alone.
63
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:13,749
Where are you, grapes?
64
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,518
Gra-pes.
65
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:17,161
Great apes?
66
00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:20,695
Grapes, we have you surrounded.
Come out with your stems up.
67
00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:26,203
[SOBBING]
68
00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:31,506
Guess my game could be upped
if I increased my human contact a little bit.
69
00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:35,578
Good. Because you're caressing
your own arm right now.
70
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,013
- Mm.
- It's not normal, man.
71
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,049
I've been working out. It feels...
72
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:44,480
I just wanna know why you walked out.
73
00:03:45,191 --> 00:03:48,024
Was there something else going on?
Was there someone else?
74
00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:51,926
Can I just say,
I really wish this coffee was a giant beer.
75
00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:56,192
And I wish this scone was a whiskey
and I could just drink one and chase them.
76
00:03:57,870 --> 00:04:00,998
This is nice. I'm glad we're doing this.
77
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:02,772
So how'd it go?
78
00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:05,706
We gabbed like a couple of washer women
over the back fence.
79
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:09,348
That's great. I'm so proud of you.
80
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:11,743
You two are dating?
81
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,918
I knew it. I knew it was her.
82
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,851
What...? You didn't tell her
we were together?
83
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,819
I told her we were together.
84
00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:21,390
I'm not getting away with this.
I didn't tell her.
85
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:22,856
CAROLINE:
Screw you, Miller!
86
00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,725
I don't understand.
You talked for 30 minutes.
87
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,764
How did our relationship not come up?
88
00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:32,597
I got scared.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her.
89
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:36,065
You ever thought how weird it'd be
if you just gave up your thumb? Heh.
90
00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:40,177
How would you give a thumbs-up?
Like this? I think a guy died in the building...
91
00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:43,247
...because in the dumpster
was a bunch of clothes that fit me.
92
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:46,213
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] What I like to do
now is take the Underground, yeah?
93
00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:48,614
Spend my quid. Cheers?
94
00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:50,645
[PHONE BEEPS]
95
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:52,347
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, crap, this is her.
96
00:04:52,558 --> 00:04:55,391
- She thinks I cheated, Jess.
- Know who you should talk to?
97
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:59,155
Berkley. He's so good at this stuff.
Friendship. Closure.
98
00:04:59,365 --> 00:05:01,629
He did write a book about it.
It's an e-book.
99
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:04,496
I gave it four stars,
but it falls apart at the end.
100
00:05:04,704 --> 00:05:08,105
He goes into God in a way
I don't think he needs to. I'm gonna text him.
101
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:12,277
Why would I talk to your ex-boyfriend
about my ex-girlfriend?
102
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,810
- You need his help.
- You're write...? Can I see?
103
00:05:15,014 --> 00:05:17,482
- Yeah.
- "Hey, babe..." Don't call him babe.
104
00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:19,811
- It's what we call each other.
- "BF problems"?
105
00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:22,419
- "My boyfriend is having problems."
- "XOXO"?
106
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:25,318
- It's a really common greeting.
- Kissing you, hugging you?
107
00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:28,219
What else am I gonna write, "O-O-O"?
That just looks like:
108
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:29,656
"Oooooh."
109
00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:32,092
- You're leading him on, Jess.
- Oh, Nick.
110
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:34,357
- You are.
- Berkley's gonna teach you a lot.
111
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:38,799
Men don't talk to people they've dated
unless they want sex or they're Winston.
112
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,734
- I also want sex.
- Going to Schmidt's.
113
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:42,372
He's been begging us all week.
114
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:44,406
Look, Jess, men are sick.
115
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:47,169
Look, I'm a relatively good guy,
but even I'm a sicko.
116
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:49,109
Luckily, we have the Internet
as a community...
117
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:50,304
[PHONE BEEPS]
118
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:51,949
Oh, this is terrible.
119
00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:55,120
She's quoting scriptures,
but using tons of cuss words.
120
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,186
This is as bad as it gets with Caroline.
121
00:05:57,390 --> 00:06:01,326
Berkley's around the corner
at his baby's world-music class.
122
00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:03,987
Okay, you know what? I'm in.
123
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,687
- Great.
- What beer does he like?
124
00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:08,799
- He doesn't.
- Great. I cannot wait to meet him.
125
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:14,332
Fellas. You made it.
As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub.
126
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,307
I'll probably get ham.
127
00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:19,478
Wow, man. Ha-ha-ha.
128
00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,340
- It's nice inside here, man.
- Yeah.
129
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:24,641
- Like a European airport.
- What's that? You wanna watch the game?
130
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:26,681
Which one? Basketball? Football?
131
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,209
Of Thrones?
132
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:30,184
BOTH:
Oh!
133
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,652
WINSTON:
That is awesome, man.
134
00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:34,656
Look at this place.
You got so many plush surfaces.
135
00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:36,658
There are 15 different bang spots here.
136
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:40,263
Each one specifically designated
to its own sexual position.
137
00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:42,730
That's standing. Sitting. That's diagonal.
138
00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:45,296
- That's how I do it.
- The "Why, why? Because."
139
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:48,905
The Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel.
The Red Beanbag Chair.
140
00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:50,939
Pretty obvious, but that's a good one.
141
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,044
The Glass Menagerie. The Bike Share.
142
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,679
- Nice.
- The "Backwards, oops."
143
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:57,714
- What's "Backwards, oops"?
- When you don't wanna put it... Mm.
144
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,908
- You don't know.
- I don't... I've done it.
145
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:03,383
I've done it, but I didn't know I was doing it.
Heh, it was:
146
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,614
Super cool, dude.
I wish I had my own place.
147
00:07:05,858 --> 00:07:09,191
Guys, mi casa es su casa.
I even made you guys keys.
148
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:10,555
- What?
- Check these out.
149
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:12,924
- That one's yours.
- It looks like a guitar.
150
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:15,191
- That's because you're rocking.
- Mine is...
151
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,062
It's a rainbow kissing a star.
152
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,635
- You like it?
- Blah.
153
00:07:18,871 --> 00:07:21,203
- Yeah.
- Guys, hang out here any time you want.
154
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,908
- Even now. Who's thirsty?
COACH: Nice.
155
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,701
- Right there.
- Dude, shut up.
156
00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,605
Damn, man, you're like James Bond.
157
00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:29,441
- Heh.
- I'll be Moneypenny, for sure.
158
00:07:29,715 --> 00:07:32,206
- Wait, which one is Moneypenny?
- It's the woman.
159
00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:33,976
Oh.
160
00:07:35,521 --> 00:07:38,251
Did the store have that highchair
you were looking for?
161
00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:41,119
No, not the one I wanted.
So I think I'm just gonna...
162
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:43,887
...order it online.
- Order it online.
163
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,121
- You still got it.
- You still got it.
164
00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:48,994
- Big deal. I've been online too. I still got it.
- It's different.
165
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,567
[PHONE BEEPS]
166
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:54,467
So this is the problem.
Nick didn't tell his ex we were together...
167
00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:57,302
...and she found out
and now she's really, really upset.
168
00:07:57,510 --> 00:08:00,445
This is the scariest one yet.
Just a bunch of smiley faces.
169
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,046
Okay, um, not to be all guy-with-a-baby...
170
00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:06,376
...but, uh, exes are really
a lot like newborns, okay?
171
00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:10,180
The burps can be so yucky,
but you know what comes after a burp?
172
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:13,324
- What?
- A big old smile.
173
00:08:13,526 --> 00:08:14,788
Aw.
174
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,962
What the hell are you talking about?
175
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,654
- It was a metaphor.
BERKLEY: A classic fatherhood metaphor.
176
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:24,166
My point is, you just need to face her
and let her get it all off her chest.
177
00:08:24,370 --> 00:08:26,463
- I feel like I've done that.
- No, you didn't.
178
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:29,264
You talked and talked about nothing
for 30 minutes.
179
00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:33,536
Look, I know it's hard. I know that, man.
I'm here and I'm hearing it.
180
00:08:33,746 --> 00:08:37,307
I mean, when Jess and I did this,
I think we cried for like two days.
181
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,077
At least. But look,
now I have such a good friend...
182
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:43,117
...and we talk all the time,
and he's such a good listener.
183
00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:44,983
Say what? I can't hear you.
184
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:48,160
[BOTH LAUGHING]
185
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:53,487
Is this real? You guys saw each other naked
and now you're friends?
186
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,634
Yes. It's the purest form of friendship.
Straight Leno and Eubanks.
187
00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:58,667
[GIGGLING]
188
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:04,403
I just wanna say, you're incredible
and I'm so lucky to have you in my life.
189
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:09,946
- Okay. I took your advice.
- What do we got?
190
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:13,551
"My bad. Let's be friends, K?"
191
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:15,380
Smooth, but tough.
192
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:17,317
That's not good, Nick.
193
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:20,151
Friendship is a, um...
It's like a beautiful flower.
194
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:23,521
You have to nourish it, okay?
You can't just buy it at a store.
195
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:26,163
First of all, it was a draft, okay?
And I'll fix it.
196
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,867
And second of all, with all due respect...
197
00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:32,093
...you can buy a flower at a store.
198
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,432
Ha, ha. Millered.
199
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,543
SCHMIDT: I know, as an angel,
you usually sleep in heaven...
200
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,712
...but care to spend the evening
at my place?
201
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:43,011
I think maybe I would.
202
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,547
Fantastic choice.
203
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,548
Here's my address.
204
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:50,880
There's usually no place to park.
205
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:55,083
- Well, so where would l...?
- You're a big girl. You'll figure it out.
206
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:03,895
Just try south of 6th. There's usually
a string of open spaces down there.
207
00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:07,697
And there's not a right turn on red on 5th.
Just FYI.
208
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:13,076
I've been wanting to end things with Claire
for years. I'm gonna do it.
209
00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:16,145
It's gonna take one phone call.
She's gonna burn all my clothes.
210
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:18,146
I don't care.
I only wanna wear Henleys anyway.
211
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:23,152
- Jess, we can finally be together.
- What? Wait, no. Leave your wife?
212
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:25,449
For you. I'm gonna leave my wife for you.
213
00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:28,286
- Wait, what?
- "Thank you for being so incredible.
214
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:33,488
I'm so lucky to have you in my life"?
Jess, when you said those words, I knew.
215
00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:36,827
Berkley, there has been
a fundamental misunderstanding here.
216
00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:39,561
You know the last time
Claire thanked me for anything?
217
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:42,035
When I was pulling out her chair
at our wedding.
218
00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:45,675
- She doesn't appreciate me like you do.
- No, it's not happening. No, no.
219
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:50,781
Agh! Damn it, Winston. Oh, God. Pretend
this is attached and there's water coming out.
220
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:52,844
Okay.
221
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:56,454
- No, not like that.
- Whoosh.
222
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,454
It's not sexual. No.
I'm not feeding you water.
223
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,648
- Wet my mouth.
- No.
224
00:11:01,894 --> 00:11:03,919
Oh, hi. Are you Schmidt's friend?
225
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,994
What? Schmidt's friend?
226
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:09,224
Where you at? Because I'm ready to ea...
227
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:12,926
Hey. My good friend, Frank...
228
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,639
...Scabopolis.
229
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,468
Give me a hug, you Greek son of a bitch.
Come here.
230
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:23,611
- Where's this coming from?
- You. The phone calls. The texts.
231
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,476
"Boyfriend problems." "I need you."
232
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,017
- Hugs, kisses. More hugs and more kisses.
- What?
233
00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:32,322
You have been setting up dominoes
for 10 years, and now they're falling.
234
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,822
You have a baby, sir.
235
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,221
And you are gonna make
such a good stepmom.
236
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,828
I love you, Jessica.
237
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:41,158
God, it feels good to say that out loud
and not just to my sleeping wife.
238
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:44,063
NICK: Unh! Guys, I need your help.
- Ah. Uh, you, hey.
239
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:47,802
Nick was right about you
and he can't know that. Put a sock in it.
240
00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:49,531
- What is wrong with me?
- Hi.
241
00:11:49,742 --> 00:11:53,041
I keep trying to write to Caroline, but I'm
choking. I can't get past "What's up, C?"
242
00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:54,234
[PHONE BEEPS]
243
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,245
That's her. It says,
"Come to the window, friend." Friend?
244
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,418
- That's good.
- That's a good thing. Yeah.
245
00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:01,885
Caroline, hey.
246
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:05,319
You cheat on me
and then you wanna be friends?
247
00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:07,151
I'm just writing you an e-mail.
248
00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:11,056
It's not sending. I'm gonna throw it down,
but I need my phone back.
249
00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:13,128
- We talk now.
NICK: Caroline. Hey.
250
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:14,321
[ALARM WAILING]
251
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:16,330
- Stop.
- I'm really excited to...
252
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:18,025
- No.
...talk to you guys.
253
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:19,534
Stop. That's not my car.
254
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,764
Tell Jess I said hi.
255
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,370
Caroline, I parked down the street.
256
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:27,704
Why am I telling you?
257
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,241
At least she can't get into the building.
258
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:34,879
Okay, what am I gonna do?
259
00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:38,181
- She cut off the power.
- That was you. You turned off the light.
260
00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:41,359
- All the other lights are still on.
- My bad. Thank you.
261
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:43,528
I know you're scared.
Let me be brave.
262
00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:47,256
You should go because you have a wife
and a baby and you love them.
263
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:51,766
Jess. What are you, crazy? It's not safe
out there. Berkley can't go. He stays here.
264
00:12:51,971 --> 00:12:53,370
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
265
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,035
- I'll be with you in just one second, all right?
- Mm-hm.
266
00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:01,576
Don't drink the water by the bed.
It's got my contacts in it. Ha-ha-ha.
267
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:04,713
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
268
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:07,579
Tell her I'd like to be reimbursed
for those strawberries.
269
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,652
- Dude.
- Why is she calling you Schmidt?
270
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:11,379
In case we saw your mail.
271
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:14,889
I don't just leave mail out.
This isn't a small business. Get out.
272
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:16,994
Dude, I'm about to seal the deal.
273
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:19,061
I'm about to... I'm a deal-sealer.
274
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,096
I'm about to get some squish, dude.
275
00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:25,565
- I'm about to nail it into the wall.
- I'm about to take down that va-dragon.
276
00:13:25,771 --> 00:13:30,174
I'm about to pin the tail on the va-donkey.
You better not stand in the way of this.
277
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:33,743
Don't call her a va-donkey.
I don't know her and I want her to leave...
278
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:37,437
...but don't call her a va-donkey.
- All right. Please, I need this.
279
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:41,384
- Okay, fine. I will use the guest room.
- Yes.
280
00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:42,780
Like an animal.
281
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:45,589
[MUTTERS]
282
00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:47,520
Agh! Winston. What are you doing?
283
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:51,218
We were just playing a game.
You know, bad cop, bad cop.
284
00:13:51,463 --> 00:13:52,521
It's me, Bertie.
285
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:53,959
[SHUDDERS]
286
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:02,365
Um, I might have been wrong
about some things.
287
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,133
Um, some Berkley things.
288
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:06,367
The screaming stopped.
I knew she'd run out of gas.
289
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:07,671
[BANGING ON DOOR]
290
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,871
CAROLINE:
"My bad. Let's be friends, K"?
291
00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:12,209
You couldn't even write out "okay"?
292
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:15,114
It's go time, Nick.
Time to break out that burp cloth.
293
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:17,619
Let's give him some space.
Like going to a motel.
294
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:19,347
I don't love you.
295
00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:22,224
- I got a slight beer buzz. Let's do it.
- Don't go.
296
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:24,328
- You wanted me to talk to her.
- Don't go.
297
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,155
I'm sorry, you don't love me?
298
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,124
- Say again?
- I'm sorry.
299
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,495
- I'm sorry. Then why have you led me on...
- What?
300
00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:34,399
...for 10 years?
- Oh, hell on Earth, no.
301
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,472
Oh, my God. I was right.
302
00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:38,666
- He wants to bone you.
- Oh, come on, Nick.
303
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:40,944
Caroline, I'll be right there.
304
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:43,011
I'm so sorry, Berkley, you got cut off.
305
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:44,307
- Thank you, sir.
- No.
306
00:14:44,516 --> 00:14:46,143
- May 2004...
- [MOUTHS] I was right.
307
00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:48,343
...you brushed my hand
at a Dave Matthews concert...
308
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,350
...during "Two Step."
- "Two Step"?
309
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,524
- Oh, my God.
- The time I helped you move.
310
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:56,252
I came over wearing sweatpants.
You couldn't stop staring at my rig.
311
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:58,987
- Loves looking at rigs.
- Why are you calling it a rig?
312
00:14:59,198 --> 00:15:01,325
- You're doing it again.
- One second, Caroline.
313
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:02,932
Open this door!
314
00:15:07,873 --> 00:15:10,933
- Think I wear this sweater because I like it?
- It's handsome.
315
00:15:11,143 --> 00:15:12,576
- That's right. I love you.
- No.
316
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:15,008
BERKLEY: What do you mean, no?
- Ooh!
317
00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:17,273
Open the door! Come on!
318
00:15:17,950 --> 00:15:20,077
- Schmidt?
- You said that I was incredible.
319
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:24,348
And you were so lucky. Now here we are,
trying to hook up Nick with his ex...
320
00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:27,116
JESS: Wait a minute.
- That's not what we're doing.
321
00:15:27,326 --> 00:15:29,419
- So let's just do it. Come on.
- Wait, no.
322
00:15:29,628 --> 00:15:30,617
- No, no.
- Oh, no.
323
00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:32,558
NICK: No, what are you doing?
JESS: Oh, no.
324
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,426
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
325
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,191
- Caroline.
- Yeah.
326
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:40,597
You stole my boyfriend.
327
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:45,975
Schmidt.
328
00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:48,271
Be right there.
That should buy us some time.
329
00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:51,539
Coach, stay with your girl,
who thinks you're me, in my bedroom.
330
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:55,220
Winston, stay in the guest room with Bertie
doing whatever you're doing.
331
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:58,287
- Reps.
- I'm gonna keep Sarah... Almost there.
332
00:15:58,490 --> 00:16:02,449
I'm gonna keep Sarah in the living room
using one of the open-floor-plan bang spots.
333
00:16:02,728 --> 00:16:07,222
Now, no exits, no entrances,
no Noises Off baloney. Capiche?
334
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:09,333
- Confirm my capiche.
- Ay, capiche.
335
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:10,797
- Let's go. Do it.
- Yeah.
336
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:12,628
- Guys, guys.
- Right.
337
00:16:12,838 --> 00:16:15,932
This is the exact type of baloney
I'm talking about. Unbelievable.
338
00:16:16,208 --> 00:16:19,507
Guys, guys.
I'm really glad that we're doing this.
339
00:16:19,845 --> 00:16:21,574
- Okay.
- All right.
340
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,475
I did not steal your boyfriend.
341
00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:24,774
Timeline, now.
342
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,782
Okay. Um, you and Nick break up.
343
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,921
London has a great Olympics.
Uh-oh, trouble in Syria.
344
00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:33,952
Board up your windows,
super storm Sandy.
345
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:37,625
Hey, over here. Me and Nick get together.
346
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,355
Here is that beautiful Sunday
in the park we went to.
347
00:16:40,566 --> 00:16:42,830
- Shut up, Berkley.
- No, you shut up, Jess.
348
00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:45,697
- Don't take this out on Jess.
- Oh, right, it's the beginning.
349
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:50,170
You're being supportive. He's still trying.
I bet he's still laughing at all yourjokes.
350
00:16:50,376 --> 00:16:53,311
Well, I have a great instinct for comedy.
351
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:57,448
Well, you know what? You enjoy all that
while it lasts, because I'll tell you what.
352
00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,948
It's not gonna be long
before he stops holding your hand...
353
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:02,619
...and starts high-fiving you.
354
00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:05,153
And he stops
letting you be the little spoon.
355
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:08,087
And he starts drifting off
during important conversations.
356
00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:10,625
Are you even listening right now?
357
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:12,629
- What's that?
- Seriously, Nick?
358
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,562
Jess, you're the girlfriend now,
but one day you're gonna be the ex.
359
00:17:17,302 --> 00:17:20,533
And two years after he breaks up with you,
he still won't tell you why.
360
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:28,803
Um, okay, well, um,
this has been a really neat talk, so, um...
361
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:33,450
I'm gonna go sit in the shower...
362
00:17:33,685 --> 00:17:36,483
...and, um, go over
the greatest hits in my mind.
363
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,986
I'll just be here
picturing the whole sudsy thing.
364
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,987
Hey, I'm right here. A little respect.
365
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:44,161
- I know, but... This is obviously happening.
JESS: No, it's not.
366
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,988
Where's your brain?
367
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,723
Hey, Jess, you okay?
368
00:17:53,439 --> 00:17:54,531
No.
369
00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:58,775
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.
370
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:01,411
I've led a very fortunate life.
371
00:18:01,613 --> 00:18:04,081
- Look, Jess, you were right.
- No, you were right.
372
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:05,747
I feel like such a fool.
373
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:09,683
- You were right about everything.
- No, I wasn't.
374
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,356
Caroline deserves to know why I left.
375
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:14,717
You should hear it too.
376
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:23,730
- I'm thirsty. Stop. Let me go.
- No, no, no. Come, come, come. Whoa.
377
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,097
- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
378
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:28,196
- Schmidt.
- What?
379
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,170
Frank Scabopolis is up in here
making out with some bitch.
380
00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:34,004
- That's not necessary. I mean...
- Who's Frank Scabopolis?
381
00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:36,271
- Aren't you Schmidt?
- I am Schmidt.
382
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:38,347
- I thought you were Schmidt.
- I am Schmidt.
383
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:39,881
- Uh...?
COACH: Buh...
384
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:42,918
- We're brothers.
- We are. What an upbringing that was.
385
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,920
Same mom, different dads.
That's why I'm browner.
386
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:50,152
- Then who the hell is Frank Scabopolis?
- Yeah.
387
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:53,429
I am Frank Scabopolis.
388
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:54,890
[GROANS]
389
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,326
Is this helping, Schmidt?
I forgot the plan.
390
00:18:57,536 --> 00:18:59,766
- Winston, please shut up.
- Plan? What plan?
391
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,837
No plan. I know nothing about a plan.
392
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:06,067
Is this some little nasty group-sex games
y'all got going on up in here?
393
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:09,076
- Been a couple of years, but I'm down.
- Oh.
394
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:11,272
- I didn't wanna know that.
- I am out of here.
395
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:13,110
- I'm way ahead of you.
- No, please.
396
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,912
- No, no.
- Sarah, please, wait. I can...
397
00:19:16,755 --> 00:19:17,813
Just...
398
00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:19,953
Ahem. Well, I'm gonna go back to bed.
399
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:25,220
- Schmidt, that mattress is heaven.
- It's pretty good.
400
00:19:26,064 --> 00:19:31,092
See? You don't think I'm scary,
do you, baby? Whoa!
401
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:33,430
- No. Hey, no. No.
- I was just kidding.
402
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:35,106
There's something I need to say.
403
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,501
- Nick, you don't have to do this.
NICK: No, I do.
404
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,641
Look, I never cheated on you,
but I might as well have.
405
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:46,115
See, I fell in love with Jess
the moment she walked through the door.
406
00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:47,876
- Boo!
- Really?
407
00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:49,678
Sorry.
408
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,047
The moment I walked through the door?
Really?
409
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:56,316
Because I thought I annoyed you.
410
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:59,292
- Can we do this later? It's not a great...
- Yeah. Got it.
411
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,829
Caroline, she's the reason that I left.
412
00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:04,862
I always thought that it was Jess.
413
00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:08,033
I'm glad I'm not crazy.
414
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:10,503
- Well...
- Hmm.
415
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,701
- Thanks for telling the truth.
- Sorry it didn't happen sooner.
416
00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:15,379
- Don't touch me.
- I'm so sorry.
417
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,338
- I was kidding.
- There's that famous Milwaukee humor.
418
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,212
- I'm not from Milwaukee.
- You honestly scare me.
419
00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:23,814
- Goodbye, Nick.
- Goodbye.
420
00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:26,757
Hey. Look, Berkley, um...
421
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:29,689
...I'm so sorry
that you got the wrong idea about us.
422
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,629
You were right.
423
00:20:32,864 --> 00:20:34,764
I did play some part in it.
424
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,395
Thank you.
425
00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:39,364
- Good luck, Jessica.
- Thanks.
426
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,264
See you later, bud.
427
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:45,874
I really don't wanna go back to my wife.
Wanna play cards?
428
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,670
- Go. Just go.
- Get out of here.
429
00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:51,849
[DOOR CLOSES]
430
00:20:54,519 --> 00:20:57,386
- The moment I walked through that door?
- Just be cool about it.
431
00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:59,784
Because for me it was way later.
432
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,391
- I know.
- Like a lot later.
433
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,652
Oh, come here already.
434
00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:06,656
- Could use that.
- That's the Glass Menagerie.
435
00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:09,423
- I'll sit her down right on top of that.
- Absolutely.
436
00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:10,932
The, uh, Star 68.
437
00:21:11,136 --> 00:21:13,434
- Where's that at?
- Right there on that pillow.
438
00:21:13,639 --> 00:21:14,697
The Jumanji.
439
00:21:14,906 --> 00:21:17,568
Yeah, you could do the U-Iock on here.
That'd be cool.
440
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:18,970
The Jean-Michel Basquiat.
441
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:21,207
- Oh, okay.
- The Fabric Softener.
442
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:22,937
That's the Kansas City Shaker.
443
00:21:23,148 --> 00:21:24,740
- This here? I like that.
- Yeah.
444
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,713
- Back there, that's the Nia Vardalos.
- Whoo.
445
00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:28,647
- Heh. Nice.
- That's nice, dude.
446
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,118
That one's Sex on the Rug.
447
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:34,388
Which is... And again, it's pretty obvious,
but that's...
448
00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:36,390
You know, why mess with a classic?
Ripped By mstoll