1
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:19,960
This is why I buy my food
from gas stations, Jess.
2
00:00:19,973 --> 00:00:23,526
Nick, you knocked over a
wheelbarrow full of fruit,
3
00:00:23,546 --> 00:00:24,939
and then you actually
skipped away.
4
00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:26,659
Guys, I'm trying to
concentrate, okay?
5
00:00:26,672 --> 00:00:30,132
The LAPD does not offer entrance
exams every single day.
6
00:00:30,189 --> 00:00:33,790
Just Mondays and Fridays. But
I am not waiting till Friday.
7
00:00:34,186 --> 00:00:36,346
- Hey, why do you have so
much fruit? - Because this one
8
00:00:36,366 --> 00:00:38,756
ran into his ex-girlfriend
at the farmer's market.
9
00:00:39,078 --> 00:00:40,178
Nick?
10
00:00:40,345 --> 00:00:42,556
Hey! No way!
11
00:00:43,007 --> 00:00:46,955
Caroline of my past. What
a pleasant surprise.
12
00:00:46,971 --> 00:00:48,997
My ex-lover... No!
13
00:00:49,908 --> 00:00:52,376
I don't deal with exes.
They're part of the past.
14
00:00:52,410 --> 00:00:56,177
You burn 'em swiftly and you
give their ashes to Poseidon.
15
00:00:56,202 --> 00:00:57,750
I'm really good
friends with Berkley,
16
00:00:57,770 --> 00:00:59,750
and we had a terrible
breakup... Come on, what?
17
00:00:59,777 --> 00:01:02,201
You have a good relationship with
him because he wants to bone you.
18
00:01:02,227 --> 00:01:06,285
He's a stay-at-home dad. His entire
life revolves around his family.
19
00:01:06,558 --> 00:01:08,431
He's the most emotionally
evolved person I know.
20
00:01:08,453 --> 00:01:12,736
And I'm sure his favorite emotion is
the emotion of wanting to bone you.
21
00:01:12,749 --> 00:01:13,729
That's not an emotion.
22
00:01:13,745 --> 00:01:17,418
Possible sex is the only reason people
stay "friends" with their exes.
23
00:01:17,431 --> 00:01:19,471
- Come on.
- Back me up, Winnie the Bish.
24
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,663
Yeah, that's true. I mean,
I'm friends with all my exes...
25
00:01:21,672 --> 00:01:22,826
- See?
- ...families.
26
00:01:22,845 --> 00:01:26,092
- Ha-ha! See? - I still send
Shelby's dad a Father's Day card,
27
00:01:26,112 --> 00:01:28,185
and he still sends me five
bucks on my birthday.
28
00:01:28,212 --> 00:01:30,119
- What is wrong with you?
- That's nice. - Hey, guys.
29
00:01:30,155 --> 00:01:32,135
- I bet Coach is friends
with his exes. - No.
30
00:01:32,147 --> 00:01:33,920
- Oh, for sure, yeah.
- Yeah! I'm right!
31
00:01:33,950 --> 00:01:36,158
- For sex. - No!
- Ha-ha! I'm right!
32
00:01:36,188 --> 00:01:38,307
Can't spell "sex"
without the "ex."
33
00:01:38,329 --> 00:01:40,236
Man, is that sexy
when he does that.
34
00:01:41,987 --> 00:01:44,458
Announcement: I finally
finished my loft.
35
00:01:44,483 --> 00:01:45,772
Hold the applause.
36
00:01:47,659 --> 00:01:50,128
Let's go. All right. Come on.
37
00:01:51,817 --> 00:01:54,164
C-Come on, you guys.
All together, now.
38
00:01:54,559 --> 00:01:55,990
We're not... Who's coming?
39
00:01:56,021 --> 00:01:57,288
Let's go. Come on, Nick.
40
00:01:57,315 --> 00:02:00,695
- I don't want to go, man. Thanks for
the invite. - Nah, come on. Winnie.
41
00:02:02,354 --> 00:02:03,114
No?
42
00:02:03,868 --> 00:02:05,274
♪ Who's that girl?
43
00:02:05,290 --> 00:02:07,700
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.
44
00:02:07,721 --> 00:02:12,221
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
45
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,099
You and Caroline still
need some closure.
46
00:02:15,133 --> 00:02:16,760
Well, what do you
want me to say?
47
00:02:16,842 --> 00:02:19,191
That I walked out on her
and now I'm dating you?
48
00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:21,410
We started dating, like, a
year after you broke up.
49
00:02:21,429 --> 00:02:22,817
Yeah, but that doesn't
matter with her.
50
00:02:22,830 --> 00:02:25,610
She's got a crazy streak, and
this is bound to set her off.
51
00:02:25,630 --> 00:02:27,382
What if she hurts
me physically?
52
00:02:27,552 --> 00:02:29,085
What if she hurts
me with words?
53
00:02:29,098 --> 00:02:31,009
Just talk to her. Clear the air.
54
00:02:31,029 --> 00:02:33,082
You'll feel better,
she'll feel better.
55
00:02:33,095 --> 00:02:36,169
Besides, Nick, I can't give
up that farmer's market.
56
00:02:36,184 --> 00:02:38,019
Strolling around,
chatting with vendors...
57
00:02:38,047 --> 00:02:40,554
It's so nice. I feel
like Don Corleone.
58
00:02:40,562 --> 00:02:42,122
I think a lot of ladies do.
59
00:02:49,232 --> 00:02:50,565
Hey.
60
00:02:51,287 --> 00:02:52,387
Hey...
61
00:02:55,157 --> 00:02:56,324
Sorry about that.
62
00:02:56,352 --> 00:02:57,685
Haven't spoken
anybody all day.
63
00:02:57,713 --> 00:02:59,321
Phlegm buildup, you know?
64
00:03:00,401 --> 00:03:02,942
I've been cooped up all
day in my loft apartment.
65
00:03:02,955 --> 00:03:04,549
So much space for one
person, you know?
66
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:07,102
You could scream in there,
nobody would ever hear you.
67
00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:08,963
I'm gonna go.
68
00:03:09,465 --> 00:03:10,858
Bye.
69
00:03:12,255 --> 00:03:13,455
What is going on?
70
00:03:13,475 --> 00:03:15,772
May I speak plainly
with you, Cecilia?
71
00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:18,702
I'm in a bit of a
sexual drought.
72
00:03:18,727 --> 00:03:21,174
The Good Valley Schmidt
hasn't seen rain in months.
73
00:03:21,195 --> 00:03:23,662
You're just... you're
giving off a creepy vibe.
74
00:03:23,682 --> 00:03:27,082
All right? Living alone is messing up
your game and it's making you weird.
75
00:03:27,102 --> 00:03:28,869
Yeah, but I love
living alone.
76
00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:30,537
Where are you, grapes?
77
00:03:30,759 --> 00:03:32,173
Grápés.
78
00:03:32,541 --> 00:03:33,975
Great apes.
79
00:03:34,242 --> 00:03:35,883
Grapes, we have
you surrounded.
80
00:03:35,898 --> 00:03:37,731
Come out with your stems up!
81
00:03:44,239 --> 00:03:46,915
I guess my game could be
upped if I increased my...
82
00:03:46,921 --> 00:03:49,134
- my human contact
a little bit. - Good.
83
00:03:49,151 --> 00:03:51,534
Because you're caressing
your own arm right now.
84
00:03:53,055 --> 00:03:54,908
- Hmm.
- That's not normal, man.
85
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:56,830
I've been working out.
It feels... I don't...
86
00:03:58,621 --> 00:04:00,689
I just want to know
why you walked out.
87
00:04:02,030 --> 00:04:04,860
Was there something else going on?
Was there someone else?
88
00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:06,493
Can I just say,
89
00:04:06,523 --> 00:04:08,810
I really wish this
coffee was a giant beer.
90
00:04:08,838 --> 00:04:11,718
And I wish this scone was a-a
whiskey and I could just
91
00:04:11,740 --> 00:04:13,322
drink one... just chase 'em.
92
00:04:14,669 --> 00:04:16,149
This is nice.
93
00:04:16,291 --> 00:04:17,825
Glad we're doing this.
94
00:04:18,221 --> 00:04:19,181
So how'd it go?
95
00:04:19,194 --> 00:04:22,385
We gabbed like a couple of washer
women over the back fence.
96
00:04:22,525 --> 00:04:25,368
That's great. So
proud of you.
97
00:04:27,176 --> 00:04:28,676
You two are dating?
98
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:31,001
I knew it. I knew it was her!
99
00:04:31,266 --> 00:04:32,266
What...?
100
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:33,900
You didn't tell her
we were together?!
101
00:04:33,917 --> 00:04:35,567
I told her we were together.
102
00:04:35,944 --> 00:04:37,884
I'm not getting away with
this. I didn't tell her.
103
00:04:37,907 --> 00:04:39,425
Screw you, Miller!
104
00:04:42,346 --> 00:04:44,686
Hey, I don't understand. You
guys talked for 30 minutes.
105
00:04:44,699 --> 00:04:47,719
- How did our relationship not
come up? - 'Cause I got scared.
106
00:04:47,736 --> 00:04:49,336
There were so many things
that I wanted to tell her.
107
00:04:49,718 --> 00:04:52,591
You ever thought how weird it would
be if you just gave up your thumb?
108
00:04:52,974 --> 00:04:55,967
You just didn't have a thumb. I mean, how
would you give a thumbs up? Just like this?
109
00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:57,856
I think a guy died in the
building, 'cause one day
110
00:04:57,868 --> 00:05:00,055
in the Dumpster is a bunch
of clothes that just fit me.
111
00:05:00,075 --> 00:05:03,075
What I like to do now is
take the Underground, yeah?
112
00:05:03,098 --> 00:05:05,122
Spend my quid. Cheers?
113
00:05:07,296 --> 00:05:08,763
Oh, crap. This is her.
114
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:10,355
She thinks I cheated, Jess.
115
00:05:10,371 --> 00:05:12,011
You know who you
should talk to?
116
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,396
Berkley.
117
00:05:13,422 --> 00:05:16,169
He's so good at this stuff...
friendship, closure.
118
00:05:16,201 --> 00:05:18,529
Actually, he did write a book
about it. It's an e-book.
119
00:05:18,548 --> 00:05:21,009
I gave it four stars, but it
kind of falls apart at the end.
120
00:05:21,036 --> 00:05:23,838
He goes into God in a way
I don't think he needs to.
121
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:24,979
You know what?
I'm gonna text him?
122
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:28,827
Why would I talk to your
ex-boyfriend about my ex-girlfriend?
123
00:05:28,853 --> 00:05:29,810
Well, you need his help.
124
00:05:29,831 --> 00:05:31,677
- You're right. Give me.
Can I see? - No, no, no.
125
00:05:31,700 --> 00:05:32,867
- Can I see?
- Yeah. Yeah.
126
00:05:32,888 --> 00:05:35,528
- "Hey, babe..." Don't call him "babe."
- It's just what we call each other.
127
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:38,174
- "BF problems"?
- My boyfriend is having problems.
128
00:05:38,187 --> 00:05:40,462
- XOXO?
- It's a really common greeting.
129
00:05:40,489 --> 00:05:42,309
"Kissing you, hugging you,
kissing you, hugging you"?
130
00:05:42,328 --> 00:05:46,424
What else am I gonna write? "O-O-O"?
That just looks like "Oh..."
131
00:05:46,451 --> 00:05:47,899
You're leading him on, Jess.
132
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,595
- Oh, Nick.
- You are.
133
00:05:49,611 --> 00:05:51,012
Berkley's really gonna
teach you a lot.
134
00:05:51,045 --> 00:05:53,385
Men don't talk to
people they've dated
135
00:05:53,401 --> 00:05:55,802
unless they want sex,
or they're Winston.
136
00:05:55,817 --> 00:05:57,650
- I also want sex.
- Going to Schmidt's.
137
00:05:57,679 --> 00:05:59,402
He's been begging
us to all week.
138
00:05:59,654 --> 00:06:01,374
Jess, men are sick.
139
00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:04,193
Look, I'm a relatively good
guy, but even I'm a sicko.
140
00:06:04,292 --> 00:06:06,139
Luckily, we have the Internet
as a community of...
141
00:06:07,388 --> 00:06:08,715
Oh, this is terrible!
142
00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:12,357
She's quoting scriptures, but
using tons of cuss words.
143
00:06:12,387 --> 00:06:14,014
- This is as bad as it gets
with Caroline. - Okay.
144
00:06:14,048 --> 00:06:17,212
Berkley's around the corner at
his baby's world music class.
145
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:20,759
Okay, you know
what? I'm in.
146
00:06:20,802 --> 00:06:22,442
- Great. - What kind of
beer does Berkley like?
147
00:06:22,456 --> 00:06:25,357
- He doesn't. - Oh, great.
I cannot wait to meet him.
148
00:06:27,628 --> 00:06:28,467
Fellas.
149
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:31,372
You made it. As promised,
here's a coupon for a free sub.
150
00:06:31,398 --> 00:06:32,646
Yup.
151
00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:34,201
Probably get ham.
152
00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:36,269
Wow, man.
153
00:06:36,404 --> 00:06:38,264
- It's nice inside of here, man.
- Yeah.
154
00:06:38,299 --> 00:06:40,266
- It's like a European airport.
- Oh, what's that?
155
00:06:40,286 --> 00:06:41,633
Uh, you want to
watch the game?
156
00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:43,922
Which one? Basketball? Football?
157
00:06:44,244 --> 00:06:45,204
Of Thrones?
158
00:06:45,231 --> 00:06:47,044
Oh!
159
00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:48,271
That is awesome, man.
160
00:06:48,295 --> 00:06:51,122
Look at this place, Schmidt. You
got so many plush surfaces.
161
00:06:51,142 --> 00:06:53,102
Well, there are 15 different
bang spots in here,
162
00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:56,400
each one specifically designated
to its own sexual position.
163
00:06:56,420 --> 00:06:59,854
- Mm. - That's standing,
this is sitting, that's diagonal.
164
00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:02,041
- That's how I do it.
- The "Why? Why? Because."
165
00:07:02,070 --> 00:07:03,643
The "Closure of the
Lincoln Tunnel."
166
00:07:03,662 --> 00:07:05,924
The "Red Beanbag Chair."
167
00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,847
Which is pretty obvious, but,
you know, that's a good one.
168
00:07:07,867 --> 00:07:09,100
The "Glass Menagerie."
169
00:07:09,130 --> 00:07:10,239
- The "Bike Share."
- Nice.
170
00:07:10,258 --> 00:07:12,365
- The "Backwards Oops."
- What is "backwards oops"?
171
00:07:12,387 --> 00:07:14,255
You don't want
to put it... mm.
172
00:07:14,382 --> 00:07:16,295
- You don't know what it means.
- I mean, I don't...
173
00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:19,656
I've done it, I've done it, but I didn't
know I was doing it. You know, it was...
174
00:07:20,054 --> 00:07:21,306
Super cool, dude.
175
00:07:21,326 --> 00:07:24,986
- I wish I had my own place.
- Guys, mi casa es su casa.
176
00:07:24,993 --> 00:07:26,418
- I even made you guys keys.
- What?
177
00:07:26,441 --> 00:07:28,321
Check these out.
That one's yours.
178
00:07:28,343 --> 00:07:30,870
- Aw, it looks like a guitar.
- Yeah, that's 'cause you're rocking.
179
00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,123
Mine's a...
180
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:33,867
It's a rainbow
kissing a star.
181
00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:35,568
- You like it?
- Blah!
182
00:07:35,599 --> 00:07:38,266
- Yeah. - Guys, hang out
here anytime you want.
183
00:07:38,286 --> 00:07:39,673
- Even now. Who's thirsty?
- Thanks.
184
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:40,621
- Right there.
- Dude!
185
00:07:40,649 --> 00:07:42,148
- Shut up!
- Damn, man.
186
00:07:42,167 --> 00:07:43,823
You're like James Bond.
187
00:07:43,825 --> 00:07:45,792
But I'll be... I'll be
Moneypenny for sure.
188
00:07:45,826 --> 00:07:47,473
- Yeah. - Wait, which
one is Moneypenny?
189
00:07:47,492 --> 00:07:48,938
It's the woman.
190
00:07:49,243 --> 00:07:49,990
Oh.
191
00:07:52,011 --> 00:07:55,038
So, did the store have that, uh,
bamboo highchair you were looking for?
192
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:58,159
No, not the one I wanted. So
I think I'm just gonna...
193
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,287
Order it online.
194
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:02,926
- You still got it.
- You still got it.
195
00:08:02,952 --> 00:08:05,065
Big deal, I've been
online, too. I still got it.
196
00:08:05,253 --> 00:08:06,696
It's different.
197
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:08,888
So, this is the problem.
198
00:08:08,901 --> 00:08:11,328
Nick didn't tell his ex
that we were together,
199
00:08:11,334 --> 00:08:14,023
and she found out, and now
she's really, really upset.
200
00:08:14,049 --> 00:08:15,578
This is the scariest one yet.
201
00:08:15,603 --> 00:08:17,116
It's just a bunch
of smiley faces.
202
00:08:17,132 --> 00:08:20,065
Okay, um, not to be
all guy with a baby,
203
00:08:20,088 --> 00:08:23,424
but, uh, exes are really
a lot like newborns, okay?
204
00:08:23,438 --> 00:08:25,531
The burps can be so yucky,
205
00:08:25,544 --> 00:08:27,211
but you know what
comes after a burp?
206
00:08:27,230 --> 00:08:28,271
What?
207
00:08:28,296 --> 00:08:29,756
A big old smile.
208
00:08:30,170 --> 00:08:31,477
Aw.
209
00:08:31,838 --> 00:08:33,612
What the hell are
you talking about?
210
00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:36,247
- It was a metaphor, Nick.
- It was a classic fatherhood metaphor.
211
00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:39,459
No, my-my point is you
just need to face her
212
00:08:39,472 --> 00:08:40,872
and let her get it
all off her chest.
213
00:08:40,908 --> 00:08:42,996
- Oh, I feel like I've done that.
- No, you didn't.
214
00:08:43,016 --> 00:08:45,958
You just talked and talked
about nothing for 30 minutes.
215
00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:48,593
Okay, look, I know it's hard.
I know that, man.
216
00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:50,350
I'm here and I'm hearing it.
217
00:08:50,365 --> 00:08:53,812
I mean, when Jess and I did this, I
think we cried for, like... two days?
218
00:08:53,819 --> 00:08:55,478
I mean, at least. But look.
219
00:08:55,510 --> 00:08:58,624
Now I have such a good friend,
and we talk all the time,
220
00:08:58,656 --> 00:09:01,243
- and he's such a good listener.
- Say what? I can't hear you.
221
00:09:06,809 --> 00:09:08,089
Is this real?
222
00:09:08,116 --> 00:09:10,169
You guys saw each other naked,
and now you're friends?
223
00:09:10,191 --> 00:09:12,123
Yes, it's the purest
form of friendship.
224
00:09:12,143 --> 00:09:13,593
Straight Leno and Eubanks.
225
00:09:16,304 --> 00:09:18,764
I just want to say
you're incredible,
226
00:09:18,780 --> 00:09:20,997
and I'm so lucky to
have you in my life.
227
00:09:23,371 --> 00:09:25,841
- Okay, I took your advice.
- What do we got?
228
00:09:27,435 --> 00:09:29,864
"My bad. Let's be
friends, 'kay?"
229
00:09:30,298 --> 00:09:32,392
Smooth, but tough.
230
00:09:32,412 --> 00:09:33,625
That's not good, Nick.
231
00:09:33,647 --> 00:09:35,694
Friendship is a, um...
232
00:09:35,723 --> 00:09:38,713
it's like a beautiful flower.
You have to nourish it, okay?
233
00:09:38,732 --> 00:09:40,405
- You can't just buy it
at a store. - All right.
234
00:09:40,431 --> 00:09:43,206
First of all, it was a draft,
okay, and I'll fix it.
235
00:09:43,224 --> 00:09:45,885
And second of all,
with all due respect,
236
00:09:45,905 --> 00:09:49,145
you can buy a
flower at a store.
237
00:09:50,093 --> 00:09:51,341
Millered!
238
00:09:52,937 --> 00:09:55,077
I know as an angel you
usually sleep in heaven,
239
00:09:55,097 --> 00:09:57,844
but would you care to spend
the evening at my place?
240
00:09:57,871 --> 00:09:59,991
I think maybe I would.
241
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,359
Fantastic choice.
242
00:10:02,549 --> 00:10:03,995
Here's my address.
243
00:10:04,624 --> 00:10:06,529
There's usually
no place to park.
244
00:10:07,714 --> 00:10:10,173
- Well, so where would I...?
- You're a big girl.
245
00:10:10,457 --> 00:10:11,975
You'll figure it out.
246
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:18,866
Uh, just tr-try
south of Sixth.
247
00:10:18,892 --> 00:10:20,934
There's usually a string
of open spaces down there.
248
00:10:20,947 --> 00:10:23,941
And there's not a right turn
on red on Fifth, just FYI.
249
00:10:26,539 --> 00:10:29,660
Okay, here's the deal. I've been wanting
to end things with Claire for years now.
250
00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:31,359
And I'm gonna do it. It's
gonna take one phone call.
251
00:10:31,372 --> 00:10:33,112
- What? - She's gonna burn
all my clothes on the lawn.
252
00:10:33,131 --> 00:10:34,901
I don't care. I only want
to wear Henleys anyways.
253
00:10:34,921 --> 00:10:36,934
Jess, we can finally
be together.
254
00:10:36,961 --> 00:10:37,841
What?!
255
00:10:37,869 --> 00:10:40,129
Wait, no, but
leave your wife?!
256
00:10:40,152 --> 00:10:42,279
For you. I'm gonna
leave my wife for you.
257
00:10:42,313 --> 00:10:45,180
- Wait, what...?
- "Thank you for being so incredible."
258
00:10:45,202 --> 00:10:47,275
"So lucky to have
you in my life"?
259
00:10:47,295 --> 00:10:48,395
- Jess.
- Mm-mm.
260
00:10:48,424 --> 00:10:50,611
- When you said those
words, I knew. - No.
261
00:10:50,637 --> 00:10:53,571
Berkley, there's been a fundamental
misunderstanding here.
262
00:10:53,590 --> 00:10:56,082
You know the last time Claire
thanked me for anything?
263
00:10:56,108 --> 00:10:58,590
It was when I was pulling out
her chair at our wedding.
264
00:10:58,603 --> 00:11:00,803
- No... - She doesn't
appreciate me like you do.
265
00:11:00,822 --> 00:11:02,429
No, it's not happening.
No, no...
266
00:11:02,446 --> 00:11:05,266
Aah! Damn it, Winston!
Oh, God.
267
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:07,696
Pretend this is attached, and
there's water coming out.
268
00:11:07,886 --> 00:11:09,092
Okay.
269
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,690
No, not like that.
270
00:11:13,097 --> 00:11:14,357
It's not sexual!
271
00:11:14,385 --> 00:11:16,265
No! I'm not feeding
you water!
272
00:11:16,292 --> 00:11:17,384
- Wet my mouth.
- No!
273
00:11:18,643 --> 00:11:19,776
Oh, hi.
274
00:11:19,878 --> 00:11:21,412
- Are you Schmidt's friend?
- What?
275
00:11:21,445 --> 00:11:22,872
Sch-Schmidt's friend?
276
00:11:22,892 --> 00:11:26,011
Where you at? 'Cause
I'm ready to ea...
277
00:11:26,236 --> 00:11:27,197
Hey!
278
00:11:27,217 --> 00:11:29,467
My good friend... Frank...
279
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,647
Scabopolis!
280
00:11:31,673 --> 00:11:33,508
Ah, give me a hug, you
Greek son of a bitch!
281
00:11:33,525 --> 00:11:34,819
- Come here!
- What?
282
00:11:37,589 --> 00:11:40,691
- Where is this coming from?
- You. The phone calls, the texts,
283
00:11:40,712 --> 00:11:43,399
"Boyfriend problems," "I
need you," hugs, kisses.
284
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:44,906
- What?
- More hugs, more kisses.
285
00:11:44,928 --> 00:11:48,150
- I... - You have been setting
up dominoes for ten years.
286
00:11:48,170 --> 00:11:50,388
- And now they are falling.
- You have a baby, sir!
287
00:11:50,413 --> 00:11:52,809
I know. And you are gonna
make such a good stepmom.
288
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:54,629
I love you, Jessica.
289
00:11:54,642 --> 00:11:57,562
God, it feels good to say that out
loud and not just to my sleeping wife.
290
00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:58,803
Nick:
291
00:11:59,074 --> 00:12:01,133
- Guys, I need your help.
- You, hey!
292
00:12:01,225 --> 00:12:03,072
Nick was right about you,
and he can't know that,
293
00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:05,346
- so put a sock in it!
- What is wrong with me?
294
00:12:05,369 --> 00:12:07,476
- Hi. - Hey.
- I keep trying to write to Caroline,
295
00:12:07,499 --> 00:12:10,286
but I'm choking. I can't
get past "What's up, C?"
296
00:12:11,194 --> 00:12:14,079
Oh, that's her. It says, "Come
to the window, friend." Friend.
297
00:12:14,097 --> 00:12:16,571
- That's good. That's good.
- That's a good thing. Yeah.
298
00:12:17,247 --> 00:12:18,841
Caroline! Hey!
299
00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:22,071
You cheat on me and then
you want to be friends?!
300
00:12:22,086 --> 00:12:24,006
I'm just writing
you an e-mail!
301
00:12:24,019 --> 00:12:25,459
It's-it's not sending!
302
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:27,990
Look, gonna throw it down,
but I need my phone back!
303
00:12:28,005 --> 00:12:30,125
- We talk now!
- Caroline! Hey!
304
00:12:31,182 --> 00:12:33,169
- Stop!
- Really excited to...
305
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:34,604
- No!
- ...talk to you guys.
306
00:12:34,631 --> 00:12:36,225
Hey, stop! That's not my car!
307
00:12:36,238 --> 00:12:38,152
Tell Jess I said hi.
308
00:12:39,483 --> 00:12:42,076
No, Caroline, I parked
down the street!
309
00:12:42,089 --> 00:12:44,231
It... Why am I telling you?!
310
00:12:47,693 --> 00:12:49,874
At least she can't get
into the building.
311
00:12:50,295 --> 00:12:52,032
Okay, what am I
gonna do here?
312
00:12:52,059 --> 00:12:53,285
She cut off the power.
313
00:12:53,298 --> 00:12:55,018
No, Nick, that was you.
You turned off the light.
314
00:12:55,036 --> 00:12:56,644
All the other lights
are still on.
315
00:12:56,670 --> 00:12:58,050
My bad. Thank you.
316
00:12:58,752 --> 00:13:00,259
I know you're scared.
Let me be brave.
317
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:02,043
You should go because
you have a wife,
318
00:13:02,064 --> 00:13:04,037
and you have a baby,
and you love them.
319
00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:06,225
Jess, what are you, crazy?
320
00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:08,372
It's not safe out there. Berkley
can't go. He stays here.
321
00:13:08,385 --> 00:13:10,845
- I don't think that... - Thank you, Nick.
- You're very welcome.
322
00:13:11,337 --> 00:13:13,450
I'll be with you in just
one second, all right?
323
00:13:13,463 --> 00:13:15,281
- Mm-hmm. - And don't drink
the water by the bed.
324
00:13:15,288 --> 00:13:17,010
It's got my contacts in it.
325
00:13:19,859 --> 00:13:21,626
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
326
00:13:21,764 --> 00:13:24,431
And t-tell her that I'd like to be
reimbursed for those strawberries.
327
00:13:24,450 --> 00:13:26,190
- What...? Dude.
- Why is she calling you Schmidt?
328
00:13:26,209 --> 00:13:28,106
I told her my name was Schmidt
in case we saw your mail.
329
00:13:28,119 --> 00:13:31,588
I don't just leave mail out. This
isn't a small business. Get out.
330
00:13:31,608 --> 00:13:33,741
Dude, I'm about to seal
the deal. I'm not getting out.
331
00:13:33,759 --> 00:13:35,692
I'm about to...
I'm-I'm a deal sealer.
332
00:13:35,705 --> 00:13:37,340
I'm about to get
some squish, dude,
333
00:13:37,365 --> 00:13:39,805
- and you need to not get in between that.
- I'm about to nail it into the wall.
334
00:13:39,825 --> 00:13:42,378
Dude, I'm about to take
down that va-dragon.
335
00:13:42,409 --> 00:13:45,665
I'm about to pin the tail
on the va-donkey, dude.
336
00:13:45,684 --> 00:13:46,985
You better not stand
in the way of this.
337
00:13:47,013 --> 00:13:49,104
Don't call her a va-donkey.
I don't even know her well
338
00:13:49,111 --> 00:13:50,735
and I want her to leave,
but please don't call her
339
00:13:50,744 --> 00:13:52,909
- a va-d... va-donkey.
- I won't. All right. Please.
340
00:13:53,391 --> 00:13:54,610
I need this.
341
00:13:55,181 --> 00:13:57,634
Okay, fine. I will
use the guest room.
342
00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:59,717
- Yes.
- Like an animal.
343
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:01,940
Oh, yes.
344
00:14:02,469 --> 00:14:04,236
Oh! Winston! What
are you doing?!
345
00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:05,823
Oh, we were just playing a game.
346
00:14:05,839 --> 00:14:07,927
You know, Bad Cop, Black Cop?
347
00:14:08,255 --> 00:14:09,488
It's me, Bertie!
348
00:14:16,463 --> 00:14:19,190
Um, I might have been
wrong about some things,
349
00:14:19,219 --> 00:14:21,126
um, some Berkley things.
350
00:14:21,139 --> 00:14:23,553
Hey, the screaming stopped. I
knew she'd run out of gas.
351
00:14:24,022 --> 00:14:24,989
- "My bad"?!
- What?
352
00:14:25,011 --> 00:14:26,671
"Let's be friends, 'kay"?!
353
00:14:26,857 --> 00:14:28,964
You couldn't even
write out "okay"?!
354
00:14:28,984 --> 00:14:31,404
It's go time, Nick. Time to
break out that burp cloth.
355
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:33,341
Jess, let's give
him some space...
356
00:14:33,374 --> 00:14:36,027
- by going to a motel.
- I don't love you.
357
00:14:36,777 --> 00:14:38,844
- I got a slight beer buzz.
Let's do it. - Yeah, don't go.
358
00:14:38,864 --> 00:14:41,044
- I thought you wanted me to
talk to her. - Don't go right now.
359
00:14:41,063 --> 00:14:43,402
I'm sorry. You don't love me?
360
00:14:43,428 --> 00:14:46,071
- Say it again?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
361
00:14:46,097 --> 00:14:49,463
- Oh... What?! - Then why have
you led me on for ten years?
362
00:14:49,485 --> 00:14:51,149
Oh, hell on Earth no!
363
00:14:51,169 --> 00:14:53,316
Oh, my God, I was right.
364
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:56,006
- He wants to bone you.
- Oh, come on, Nick!
365
00:14:56,436 --> 00:14:57,809
Caroline, I'll
be right there.
366
00:14:57,832 --> 00:14:59,685
I'm so sorry, Berkley.
You got cut off.
367
00:14:59,721 --> 00:15:00,754
- Thank you, sir.
- No.
368
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:02,416
May, 2004.
369
00:15:02,431 --> 00:15:05,178
You brushed my hand at
Dave Matthews concert
370
00:15:05,207 --> 00:15:07,007
- during "Two Step."
- "Two Step"?
371
00:15:07,029 --> 00:15:09,426
- Oh, my God. - Or that time
that I helped you move,
372
00:15:09,445 --> 00:15:11,152
and I came over, I was
wearing sweatpants.
373
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:12,907
You couldn't stop
staring at my rig.
374
00:15:12,928 --> 00:15:15,748
- She loves looking at rigs.
- Why are you calling it a rig?!
375
00:15:15,761 --> 00:15:18,081
- You're doing it again.
- One second, Caroline!
376
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,672
Open this door!
377
00:15:24,487 --> 00:15:26,453
You think I wear this
sweater because I like it?
378
00:15:26,472 --> 00:15:27,578
It's a handsome sweater.
379
00:15:27,609 --> 00:15:29,603
- That's right, I love you.
- No!
380
00:15:29,631 --> 00:15:31,387
- What do you mean, no?
- Ooh!
381
00:15:32,126 --> 00:15:34,394
Open the door!
Come on!
382
00:15:34,627 --> 00:15:35,574
Schmidt?
383
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,482
You said to me that
I was incredible
384
00:15:37,488 --> 00:15:39,416
and you were so lucky,
and now here we are,
385
00:15:39,435 --> 00:15:41,343
we're trying to hook up
Nick with his ex-girlfriend.
386
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,586
- I mean, that's what this is, right?
- No, it isn't. That's not what...
387
00:15:43,597 --> 00:15:44,984
So let's just do it, come on.
388
00:15:45,004 --> 00:15:46,498
- Hey, hey,
- Berkley, Berkley!
389
00:15:46,538 --> 00:15:47,559
- Oh, no!
- No, no!
390
00:15:47,588 --> 00:15:49,548
- No, what are you doing?
- Oh, no.
391
00:15:49,617 --> 00:15:51,470
- 'Kay!
- Oh, hey!
392
00:15:51,491 --> 00:15:53,993
- Car-o-line.
- Yeah...
393
00:15:54,827 --> 00:15:57,010
You stole my boyfriend.
394
00:16:01,408 --> 00:16:02,788
Schmidt?
395
00:16:02,821 --> 00:16:04,152
Be right there!
396
00:16:04,284 --> 00:16:06,431
That should buy us some time.
Coach, you stay with your girl
397
00:16:06,453 --> 00:16:08,506
who thinks that you're
me in my bedroom.
398
00:16:08,531 --> 00:16:10,299
Winston, you stay in the
guest room with Bertie doing
399
00:16:10,323 --> 00:16:11,903
whatever the hell it
is you guys are doing.
400
00:16:11,916 --> 00:16:13,275
- Gross.
- I'm gonna keep Sarah...
401
00:16:13,688 --> 00:16:14,854
Almost there!
402
00:16:14,888 --> 00:16:16,329
I'm gonna keep Sarah
in the living room,
403
00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:19,340
using one of the living-dining-
open-floor-plan bang spots.
404
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:22,791
Now, no exits, no entrances,
no Noises Off baloney.
405
00:16:22,823 --> 00:16:23,956
Capeesh?
406
00:16:23,977 --> 00:16:24,956
Confirm my capeesh!
407
00:16:24,971 --> 00:16:26,078
Capeesh!
408
00:16:26,099 --> 00:16:27,812
- Let's go. Do it.
- All right.
409
00:16:27,835 --> 00:16:29,775
- Guys, guys!
- Right.
410
00:16:29,816 --> 00:16:31,643
This is the exact type of
baloney that I'm talking about.
411
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,189
Unbelievable. Guys, guys!
412
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,479
I'm really glad that
we're doing this.
413
00:16:36,643 --> 00:16:37,838
- Okay.
- All right.
414
00:16:38,338 --> 00:16:40,138
I did not steal
your boyfriend.
415
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:41,571
Timeline. Now.
416
00:16:41,604 --> 00:16:43,071
Okay, um...
417
00:16:43,363 --> 00:16:44,836
you and Nick break up.
418
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,372
London has a great Olympics.
419
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:47,936
Uh-oh, trouble in Syria.
420
00:16:47,955 --> 00:16:50,782
Board up your windows.
Superstorm Sandy.
421
00:16:52,122 --> 00:16:54,482
Hey, over here. Me and
Nick get together.
422
00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:57,147
And here's that beautiful Sunday in
the park that you and I went to,
423
00:16:57,165 --> 00:16:58,578
- and we have a wonderful Sunday.
- Shut up, Berkley!
424
00:16:58,610 --> 00:17:00,963
- No, you shut up, Jess.
- Don't take this out on Jess.
425
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:03,954
Oh, oh, right, it's the beginning,
so you're being all supportive now.
426
00:17:03,974 --> 00:17:06,898
He's still trying. I mean, I bet he's
still laughing at all your jokes, right?
427
00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:07,985
Well...
428
00:17:08,009 --> 00:17:09,830
I have a great
instinct for comedy.
429
00:17:09,837 --> 00:17:12,493
All right, well, you know what, you
enjoy all that while it lasts,
430
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,386
because I'll tell you what.
431
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:17,248
It's not gonna be
long before he stops
432
00:17:17,257 --> 00:17:19,558
holding your hand and
starts high-fiving you
433
00:17:19,579 --> 00:17:22,107
and he stops letting you be the
little spoon and he starts
434
00:17:22,127 --> 00:17:24,915
drifting off during
important conversations.
435
00:17:24,937 --> 00:17:26,700
Are you listening right now?
436
00:17:28,052 --> 00:17:28,787
What's that?
437
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:31,362
- Seriously, Nick?
- Jess, you're the girlfriend now,
438
00:17:31,790 --> 00:17:33,512
but one day you're
gonna be the ex.
439
00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:37,517
And two years after he breaks up with
you, he still won't tell you why.
440
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,888
Um, okay, well, um...
441
00:17:41,901 --> 00:17:45,400
this has been a really,
um, neat talk, so, um...
442
00:17:46,324 --> 00:17:50,404
I'm gonna go... sit
in the shower,
443
00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:52,877
and, um, go over the
greatest hits in my mind.
444
00:17:52,904 --> 00:17:55,554
I'll just be right here,
picturing the whole sudsy thing.
445
00:17:55,580 --> 00:17:57,687
Hey, hey, ho, I'm right here.
How about a little respect?
446
00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:00,149
I know. What, you... This
is obviously happening.
447
00:18:00,158 --> 00:18:02,491
- No, it's not!
- Where's your brain?
448
00:18:05,025 --> 00:18:06,820
Hey, Jess, you okay?
449
00:18:10,196 --> 00:18:11,720
No.
450
00:18:12,564 --> 00:18:15,424
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.
451
00:18:15,747 --> 00:18:18,335
I've led a very
fortunate life.
452
00:18:18,361 --> 00:18:21,064
- Look, Jess, you were right.
- No, you were right.
453
00:18:21,124 --> 00:18:22,865
I feel like such a fool.
454
00:18:23,633 --> 00:18:25,006
You were right
about everything.
455
00:18:25,036 --> 00:18:26,470
No, I wasn't.
456
00:18:26,710 --> 00:18:29,287
Caroline deserves
to know why I left.
457
00:18:30,393 --> 00:18:31,969
And you should hear, too.
458
00:18:35,783 --> 00:18:39,170
- I said I'm thirsty! Stop! Let me go, boy!
- No, no, no, come, come...
459
00:18:39,191 --> 00:18:40,388
Whoa!
460
00:18:40,538 --> 00:18:41,738
Who the hell are you?
461
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,458
Who the hell are you?
462
00:18:43,854 --> 00:18:45,047
- Schmidt.
- What?
463
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:48,108
Frank Scabopolis is up in here
making out with some bitch.
464
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:50,935
- That's not necessary. I mean...
- Who's Frank Scabopolis?
465
00:18:50,952 --> 00:18:53,046
- Aren't you Schmidt?!
- I-I am Schmidt.
466
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:55,218
- I thought you were Schmidt.
- I am Schmidt.
467
00:18:55,237 --> 00:18:57,561
Uh... Uh, w-we're brothers.
468
00:18:57,577 --> 00:18:59,384
We are, we're-we're brothers.
What an upbringing that was.
469
00:18:59,397 --> 00:19:00,970
Yeah, same mom,
different dads.
470
00:19:01,008 --> 00:19:02,061
One browner.
471
00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:06,256
Then who the hell is
Frank Scabopolis?
472
00:19:06,273 --> 00:19:07,353
Yeah.
473
00:19:07,381 --> 00:19:09,929
I am Frank Scabopolis!
474
00:19:12,091 --> 00:19:14,111
Is this helping, Schmidt?
I forgot the plan.
475
00:19:14,124 --> 00:19:16,616
- Winston, please shut up.
- Plan? What plan?!
476
00:19:16,643 --> 00:19:18,636
I... there's no plan. I
know nothing about a plan.
477
00:19:18,652 --> 00:19:22,842
Is this some little nasty group sex
games y'all got going on up in here?
478
00:19:22,848 --> 00:19:24,609
Been a couple years, but...
479
00:19:24,634 --> 00:19:25,867
I'm down.
480
00:19:25,886 --> 00:19:28,366
- I didn't want to know that.
- I am out of here.
481
00:19:28,395 --> 00:19:30,449
- I'm way ahead of you.
- No, no, please!
482
00:19:30,464 --> 00:19:32,777
Sarah, please, wait!
I can... ugh.
483
00:19:33,669 --> 00:19:34,649
Just...
484
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,988
Well, I'm gonna
go back to bed.
485
00:19:37,018 --> 00:19:40,243
Schmidt, that
mattress is heaven.
486
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,658
It's pretty good.
487
00:19:42,703 --> 00:19:44,004
See?
488
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:46,903
You don't think I'm
scary, do you, baby?
489
00:19:46,913 --> 00:19:48,000
- Oh, whoa!
- Oh!
490
00:19:48,029 --> 00:19:48,995
No. Hey, no.
491
00:19:49,023 --> 00:19:50,183
- I was just kidding.
- No.
492
00:19:50,196 --> 00:19:52,009
Hey, Caroline, there's
something I need to say.
493
00:19:52,018 --> 00:19:54,359
- Nick, you don't have to do this.
No, I-I do.
494
00:19:54,574 --> 00:19:57,810
Look, I never cheated on you,
but I might as well have.
495
00:19:58,991 --> 00:20:01,916
See, I fell in love with Jess the
moment she walked through the door.
496
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,871
- Boo!
- Really?
497
00:20:05,545 --> 00:20:06,826
Sorry.
498
00:20:07,260 --> 00:20:09,213
The moment I walked
through the door?
499
00:20:09,255 --> 00:20:10,388
Really?
500
00:20:11,663 --> 00:20:13,173
'Cause I thought
I annoyed you.
501
00:20:13,194 --> 00:20:16,149
- Can we do this later, please? It's just
not a good... - Yeah, okay. Got it, yup.
502
00:20:16,198 --> 00:20:18,568
Caroline, she's the
reason that I left.
503
00:20:20,127 --> 00:20:21,982
I always thought
that it was Jess.
504
00:20:23,557 --> 00:20:25,201
I'm glad I'm not crazy.
505
00:20:25,552 --> 00:20:27,176
- Well...
- Hmm.
506
00:20:27,568 --> 00:20:29,075
Thanks for telling
me the truth.
507
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,642
Oh, I'm just sorry it
didn't happen sooner.
508
00:20:30,657 --> 00:20:32,425
- Don't touch me.
- I'm so sorry.
509
00:20:32,645 --> 00:20:35,392
- I was kidding. - There's that
famous Milwaukee humor.
510
00:20:35,415 --> 00:20:38,211
- I'm not from Milwaukee.
- You honestly scare me.
511
00:20:38,459 --> 00:20:40,239
- Good-bye, Nick.
- Bye.
512
00:20:41,054 --> 00:20:42,102
Hey.
513
00:20:42,148 --> 00:20:43,768
Look, Berkley, um,
514
00:20:43,790 --> 00:20:46,733
I'm so sorry that you got
the wrong idea about us.
515
00:20:47,888 --> 00:20:49,345
You were right.
516
00:20:49,623 --> 00:20:51,795
I did play some part in it.
517
00:20:52,006 --> 00:20:53,187
Thank you.
518
00:20:54,473 --> 00:20:56,373
- Good luck, Jessica.
- Thanks.
519
00:20:56,947 --> 00:20:58,180
See you later, bud.
520
00:20:59,930 --> 00:21:02,080
I really don't want to go back to
my wife. Do you guys want to play
521
00:21:02,096 --> 00:21:04,652
- cards or something...
- Go. Just go. - Get out of here.
522
00:21:11,422 --> 00:21:12,982
The moment I walked
through that door, huh?
523
00:21:13,003 --> 00:21:14,123
Just be cool about it.
524
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:16,690
'Cause for me, it
was way later.
525
00:21:16,714 --> 00:21:18,214
- Yeah, I know.
- Like, a lot later...
526
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:19,966
Oh, come here already.
527
00:21:21,092 --> 00:21:22,125
You could use that
for something.
528
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,666
- That's the "Glass Menagerie."
- Yeah.
529
00:21:23,678 --> 00:21:26,058
- I'll sit her down right on top of that.
- Oh, absolutely.
530
00:21:26,084 --> 00:21:28,445
- The, uh, "Star 68."
- Where's that at?
531
00:21:28,473 --> 00:21:30,200
- Right there on that pillow.
- Oh.
532
00:21:30,235 --> 00:21:31,562
- Wow.
- The "Jumanji."
533
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,669
Yeah, you do the...
the "U Lock" on here.
534
00:21:33,690 --> 00:21:36,083
- That'd be cool.
- The "Jean-Michel Basquiat."
535
00:21:36,101 --> 00:21:37,969
- Oh, okay.
- The "Fabric Softener."
536
00:21:37,985 --> 00:21:39,752
That's the "Kansas
City Shaker."
537
00:21:39,773 --> 00:21:41,466
- This, right here? I like that.
- Yeah.
538
00:21:41,495 --> 00:21:42,963
Back there, that's
the "Nia Vardalos."
539
00:21:42,984 --> 00:21:45,464
- Ooh. That's nice, dude.
- Nice.
540
00:21:45,477 --> 00:21:47,748
That one's "Sex on the Rug,"
541
00:21:48,406 --> 00:21:50,293
which is... and, again,
it's pretty obvious.
542
00:21:50,313 --> 00:21:52,614
But that's... you know,
why mess with a classic?
543
00:21:52,658 --> 00:21:58,658
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther