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This programme contains adult humour

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MUSIC: "You Are Here" by Nathan Fake

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Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker
and you're watching Weekly Wipe,

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a programme all about things that
are happening. Things like this.

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Human Pob and Education Minister
Michael Gove has been under attack.

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Critics say he's been giving
jobs to his friends,

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which isn't mathematically possible.

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Child abuse allegations against
Woody Allen resurface.

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Woody? Could he? Did he?

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Woody Allen has denied
the allegations against him,

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calling them disgraceful,

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which I think was one of the kinder
poster quotes from Match Point.

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Stunning scenes as Amanda Knox
is found guilty again.

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As far as many are concerned
there's still no clear verdict -

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do we like her new bob or not?

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Don't know about you
but I definitely would...

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instigate extradition proceedings
at the next opportunity.

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Yet more weather misery.

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Somerset now contains more water
than supermarket own-brand ham.

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In gripping,
faintly medieval Sky News coverage,

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Prince Charles arrived
on a mobile throne to see

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if he could King Canute the water
away but only managed to star

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in a depressing
repeat of the 2012 Thames pageant.

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That's the kind of thing
that's been going on

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but we start with
the Winter Olympics,

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an event that's going to be
unbearably exciting if, like me,

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you find mankind's ability to slide
on ice inherently fascinating.

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This year's snowy Games
are being held in Russia,

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home of one-man charm offensive
Vladimir Putin.

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But the Games have run into
controversy before they've begun.

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Given recent terrorist incidents
security is obviously a prime

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concern but the reported 50 billion
dollar cost is also problematic.

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Another stumbling block is Russia's
attitude towards gay people.

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You'd think Russia would be
accepting of homosexuality,

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given one of their national heroes,
Tchaikovsky, was homosexual himself.

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And also, Red Square's so camp it
looks like an even gayer Disneyland.

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As recently as 2008,
Russia won the Gay Olympics,

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ie Eurovision, leading to
triumphant and inspiring scenes

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as their gold-medallist figure
skating champion Evgeny Plushenko

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joined Russell Howard-in-a-black-wig
lookalike Dima Bilan on stage

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in a routine that incredibly -
and indeed impossibly -

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made the Eurovision Song Contest
look ten times gayer than it is.

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But now Russia's passed an
"anti-gay propaganda" bill

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which controversially links
homosexuality with paedophilia,

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thus playing into extremist
prejudices.

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This in a country where authorities
are already accused of turning

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a blind eye to shocking Neo-Nazi
attacks on suspected gay people.

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Thanks to the bill, the notoriously
tough Russian cops

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must now arrest anyone
who's promoting homosexuality,

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and it's not clear what that means.

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Does it mean, for instance,
anyone wearing a uniform

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with the word "HOMO"
printed backwards on it?

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I mean, presumably they'll
definitely be rounding up

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the butch hunks of Russia's own
Interior Ministry,

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because they recently uploaded
a very camp YouTube video

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in which they don uniforms and
perform a popular disco hit,

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just like the Village People.

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♪ She's up all night to this song

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♪ I'm up all night to get some

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♪ She's up all night for good fun

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♪ I'm up all night to get lucky... ♪

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Of course, in Russia a gay person's
considered to have "got lucky"

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at the end of the night
if they made it home alive.

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Depressingly, lots of Russians
seem to think paedophiles

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and homosexuals are the same thing.

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In worrying scenes, ITN caught up

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with the none-too-bright leader
of an anti-gay vigilante group

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who's essentially
a Russian Philomena Cunk.

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TRANSLATION: Based on
my personal statistics,

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80% of paedophiles
who engage are homosexuals.

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"Personal statistics"? I think
it's a complex numerological term

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for numbers you've just
pulled out of your arse.

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Channel 4 News caught up with
one of the anti-gay law's authors,

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a sort of ginger David Brent
with a curiously small office.

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Seriously, it looks like he's
stuck in some sort of closet.

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Captain Hate here is convinced
gays are after children.

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Why do they need our minors?

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Why cannot you survive just
having your same-sex friend,

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having your common disease,

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together with your invenerological
disease or AIDS and live with him.

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You know what, I assumed this
guy would be intolerant

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but when you actually hear him lay
out his case like this,

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he's really quite insane.

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One man who won't be falling foul
of any anti-gay law

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is President Vladimir Putin who,
as the eye opening blanket coverage

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comprehensively proves,
is 100% straight.

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He's a one-man
heterosexual megabloke.

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Repeatedly pictured in thrilling
scenes

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shooting his bolt,

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gripping his joystick, enjoying a
ride with some leathermen,

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practising his disco hustle,
stretching his pelvis,

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picking up a man and tossing him
off, riding bareback with cowpokes,

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getting stuck into a cockpit with
his helmet all popping out the top,

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fisting an entire male hockey team

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and squeezing right up
behind a young man,

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holding on tight and shooting
all the way up the pipe.

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They don't get straighter than him.

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Look, he's only kissing this fish
cos it's a woman. Phwoar!

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Putin's Winter Games
are now on a collision course

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with the anti-gay propaganda law
and it's not hard to see why.

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Just look at the double luge which,
as you can see from this forensic,

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dazzling and exciting coverage is
possibly the only sport in the world

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where two men could comfortably have
anal sex in front of an audience

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without anyone really noticing.

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And they have a nice lie down
and a tender cuddle. Aw!

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Russia has no openly gay athletes,

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a ridiculously outmoded state of
affairs,

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a bit like Britain in the 1920s
or the Premier League today.

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But will gay athletes from overseas
be welcome at the Sochi Olympics?

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Well, the Mayor of Sochi
did his best to allay concerns

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by announcing there's no
homophobia at all in Sochi.

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But only because there's no gay
people at all in Sochi.

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TRANSLATION:
We don't have them in our town.

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You don't have them in the town?
Are you sure?

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TRANSLATION: I'm not sure.
I don't bloody know them.

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I went to a gay bar last night.

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Oh, hello! You're in there!

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The mixed messages about what
sort of reception gays can expect

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continued in these unusual scenes,

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when President Putin sat down
with a bunch of Olympic volunteers

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dressed like a gay Cirque Du Soleil,

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to say homosexuals are welcome
to visit the games if,

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IF, they can leave kids alone.

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That's why you can feel free, relax,
but leave children in peace, please.

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But if you're heterosexual,
feel free to bother them.

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This statement led to further
negative headlines for Russia,

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so to calm nerves Putin held a

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charming journalistic coffee morning
to answer questions on gay rights -

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questions like whether homosexuality
is a lifestyle decision

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or just the way you're born.

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That is beyond my professional
interest.

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I'm just not qualified to respond.

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He leaves those sorts of questions
to his chief eugenics officer.

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Putin went on to claim some of his
best friends are homosexual

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and went out of his way to praise
famous gay man Elton John.

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IN TRANSLATION: For example, Elton
John is an extraordinary person,

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a distinguished musician,
and millions of our people

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sincerely love him, regardless
of his sexual orientation.

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Nice. I'm not sure they're aware
what his sexual orientation is.

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I mean, on one of his most
high-profile visits to Russia,

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in the sumptuous Nikita video,

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he seemed to find romance
with a female Russian doll.

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♪ Nikita, you'll never know... ♪

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Maybe he's the sort of gay guy
they like,

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the sort that falls in love
with women.

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But he's very well-known there.

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I bet if Elton John
walked through Moscow

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holding hands with his partner
today, they'd be mobbed. And beaten.

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Not that Russia
needs Elton John anyway.

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As you can see from
this inspiring coverage,

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Putin can tickle
the ivories just as well.

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FALTERING PIANO MUSIC

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The Games are now incredibly close
and despite all the brickbats,

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Putin hopes they'll shift how
Russia's perceived

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by the rest of the world.
And he's right, they have already.

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It used to be viewed as a corrupt
mafia-dominated state -

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now it's seen as a homophobic
ski resort.

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There was this exciting
historical drama thing

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about these four
sort of hat-and-beard men

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who had these lightsaber fights,

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except the lightsabers are made
out of

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metal instead of electricity,

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or whatever lightsabers
are made out of.

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It's like a children's thing

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but for adults
so it's like for adult children.

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What was clever was they looked
a bit like the bloke

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off the Anonymous mask, so you
really never know who was who.

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And to make it more difficult,
they all had, like, code names,

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like they used names of Greek
islands

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to protect their identities.

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So there was like Athos and Porthos
and Aramis and, like,

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I dunno, Mowgli or something?

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They're all quite good-looking,
they're like men in a yoghurt advert.

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Like, if there was a woman
in an office and her life's shit,

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but then it's her lunch break
so she opens a yoghurt

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and these sexy men appear
and they're sort of exotic

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and her yoghurt's nice too,
so she's happy.

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It's like that
but without the yoghurt.

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You could tell by looking at it
was historically accurated properly.

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Like, it had people
from paintings in it

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and rooms with really
complicated ceilings.

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And they didn't have lifts so when
they wanted to leave a building

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they had to jump out of a window.

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There was loads of
sword fighting in it.

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Sword fights are strange because
although they sort of look exciting,

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they never actually are.

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Like, when you think about
what a sword fight is,

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you should be on
the edge of your seat

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because it's like all sharp things.

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Like, once, my mate Paul
was slicing a pear at a festival

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with his penknife and it was just
unbearably tense to watch

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because he was really drunk
and sort of cutting it in the hand

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he was holding it in, and I could
hardly stand to watch that.

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But with sword fights, even though
swords are bigger than penknives,

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and they really wave them around,

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it's like a dance routine
or a sort of metal squabble.

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There's never really
the same sense of danger

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there was with Paul and the pear.

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What I liked was, because it had all
the sort of things you expect -

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like a bit where someone
hides from a husband,

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and a bit where a young bloke

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earns the respect
of a slightly older bloke,

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and a bit where someone's
framed for murder

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because they picked up a knife
and put a fingerprint on it,

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and a bit where one
of the main characters

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is going to die and you're like,

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"Oh, my God, one of the main
characters is going to die!",

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but then the person who was going
to kill them gets shot

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and it pulls focus and it's someone
surprising who saved them -

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cos it had all that stuff
you already know,

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you don't have to waste time
working out what it was

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or what you thought about it
or, like, who these people were.

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You could just sort of look at it

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while your mind went
into screensaver mode,

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and that proves it's good drama.

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CHEESY MUSIC

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Technology!

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And it's bad news for avian tossers
as a comprehensively alarming

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Sky News report featuring
Mr Charisma Goggles Edward Snowden,

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claims the NSA has been
spying on people using Angry Birds.

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Apparently they hoover up
data about your age, location,

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and even your sexuality.

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God knows how they can
tell your sexual orientation

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simply from watching you
finger a bird.

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Why on earth would you tell a game
what your sexual orientation was?

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Well, it might be your only friend.

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Sky News went out and found people
who were appalled,

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but not so appalled that they could
stop playing the game.

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It's not right people should have
more and more access

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to what I consider private
information.

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BLEEP talking to us,

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those gold stars won't collect
themselves.

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I think it's good people
keep an eye on us,

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00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:09,040
but not to the extent of checking
out our apps and the things we play.

235
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,800
Sh, they can hear you say that.

236
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,720
Not that everyone's
up in arms about it.

237
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,280
In these informative scenes Sky's

238
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,520
Eamonn Holmes sounded impressed.

239
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,440
Everybody gets so annoyed about this.

240
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,520
Should you not say,
"How clever is that?"

241
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,880
Al-Qaeda people are out there
and they don't know

242
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,080
when they're playing Angry Birds
they're spied on!

243
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,120
Should people not be saying, "Smart"?

244
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,080
To be honest, I imagine Al-Qaeda
don't bother with Angry Birds.

245
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,240
They mastered the art of
knocking down structures

246
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,280
by flying into them
headlong about 13 years ago.

247
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,520
But not everyone's
worried about being spied on

248
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:39,560
while using technology, as clearly
demonstrated by the irritating

249
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,640
and disturbing series
of Amazon Kindle ads

250
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,720
where a berk romances a MILF,

251
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,040
and by MILF I mean machine
he'd like to BLEEP.

252
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,520
Hello. My niece is coming over and
she'll be using my new Kindle Fire.

253
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,560
Great! The Fire's perfect for kids!
Only for the first few seconds,

254
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,960
then they kind of turn black
and start screaming.

255
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,800
Yeah, but I don't want her
glued to it all day. Got it.

256
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,240
Glued? What have you been doing
to make the Kindle sticky?

257
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,320
Actually, don't answer
that I think I can guess.

258
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,720
Amy shows the sicko how to limit the
time kids can use his Kindle for.

259
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,160
When that limit runs out,
they'll react rationally(!)

260
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,320
Could use the time limits myself!
Oh, really?

261
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,080
Yeah, I've got a serious
Plants vs Zombies addiction.

262
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,400
For me it's Candy Crush Saga.
It's becoming a real problem.

263
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,320
Yeah that's nothing, I'm hooked
on a game called Kindle Smash Magic.

264
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,360
It's ever so therapeutic.

265
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,040
At least he's dealing
with a girl his own age

266
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,080
unlike the man in this
grim sales pitch.

267
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,600
You appear to be in a financial
quandary, young fellow.

268
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,640
At Wonga, you choose exactly how
much to borrow and for how long.

269
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,200
Really?

270
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,760
You'll need quite a bit to cover
the counselling you'll need

271
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,200
after the psychotic breakdown
you're clearly having.

272
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:50,280
Ahem! No, no.
I'm not kissing my phone. Kiss it!

273
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,480
Uh-oh, she'll charge him for that.
Kissing costs extra.

274
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,880
Seems you can't go anywhere
these days without some

275
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,520
sort of device staring at you,
prying into your business.

276
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,560
Makes you think, doesn't it?

277
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,640
Well, it makes no-one think more
than our resident inquisitive human,

278
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,480
Limmy.

279
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:15,520
Big Brother is watching.
He's like this...isn't he?

280
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,200
'He's watching me on Twitter,
ready to pounce.

281
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,000
'I'm terrified to tweet in case
it's taken the wrong way.

282
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,280
'He's watching my porn,
spying on my choices,

283
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,120
'no doubt loving every minute,
with his trousers round his ankles.

284
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,320
'And even in the park, there
he is again, watching,

285
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,360
'pointing, laughing his head off.'

286
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,400
But enough's enough. Cannae be
letting Big Brother have all the fun.

287
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,520
'Two can play that game!

288
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,040
'I walk through the park
with a wee secret in my hands.

289
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,880
'Heroin? Drug money? That's for me to
know and Big Brother to find out.

290
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,720
'I looked up some porn that I'm sure
isnae Big Brother's cup of tea,

291
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,000
'but he wants to be the all-seeing
eye - good luck un-seeing that!

292
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,760
'And then I jumped on Twitter
to play with his mind.'

293
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,960
"When I hit this city,
it's gonnae be TRAGIC."

294
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,200
When Big Brother kicks down my door
I'll say,

295
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,240
"No, I'm heading up to town
to a club.

296
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,960
"You should see my dancing,
it's tragic.

297
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,120
'Sorry to waste your time!
What a laugh!

298
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,440
'I must've came across as a dodgy
bastard.'

299
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:05,960
I was pretty convincing.

300
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,600
Then I thought "Right enough.
"What if I'm that convincing

301
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,280
"when I tell Big Brother I'm joking
he doesnae believe me?"

302
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,080
'I showed them I'm empty-handed
so they gave me a strip search,

303
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,760
'right there in the park, ball naked.

304
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,280
'What if they tell the papers
the porn I've been looking up?

305
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,040
'Once Granny reads that, she won't
be able to look me in the eye.

306
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,960
'Or what if I really am in the club
one night, mad wi' it, and they go,'

307
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,120
"Your dancing doesn't look that
tragic to us, you're pretty good.

308
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,840
"You're nicked!" Next thing
I'm waking up in Guantanamo.

309
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,200
Imagine waking up in Guantanamo
wi' a come down?

310
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,160
HE INHALES SHARPLY

311
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,480
But it's cool.

312
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,680
You know I'm only joking, Big
Brother, and this video's the proof.

313
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,920
Unless, of course,
this is just one big,

314
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:45,480
elaborate cover story for my drug
empire, and my fiendish porn habits

315
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:49,000
and my plans to do something
unspeakably tragic.

316
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,880
Hey? Nah!

317
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,480
CHEESY MUSIC

318
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,800
Bubbles! And Hollywood actress

319
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,240
Scarlett Johansson becomes the face
of DIY fizzy drinks in a glossy,

320
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:07,400
promotional video for SodaStream.
But wait!

321
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,680
It turns out SodaStream
started an independent

322
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,280
state of Fizzrael
in occupied territory.

323
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,600
Yes, as far as international
law is concerned,

324
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,480
one of their factories is
in an illegal West Bank settlement.

325
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,120
There's nothing worse than a fizzy
drink that's settled.

326
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,000
This was a particular
problem for Scarlett

327
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,840
because she was an Oxfam ambassador,

328
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,240
as you can see in these
inspiring scenes,

329
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,160
and Oxfam campaigns against
factories in the occupied West Bank,

330
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,240
saying they further
Palestinian oppression.

331
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,440
So she was facing a tricky
ethical choice -

332
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,080
do you stick with the charity
that works to save the desperate,

333
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:37,800
the dispossessed and the dying,

334
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,160
or promote a machine
that farts in your drink?

335
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,600
In the end, she chose the drink.
Sorry, guys!

336
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:46,440
In informative coverage Soda
Stream's CEO defended the factory,

337
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,880
which employs 500 Palestinians
who do depend on those wages.

338
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:51,920
And he defended Scarlett too.

339
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:56,600
I know Scarlett and she's not only
a superhero in her movies,

340
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,320
she's a superhero in real life.
Yeah, the Incredible Icewoman.

341
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,040
Still, as the illuminating
behind the scenes video made plain,

342
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,960
Scarlett's conscience is clear.

343
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,880
'My favourite thing
about SodaStream

344
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,200
'is that I...'

345
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:14,000
don't feel guilty
when I enjoy beverages at home,

346
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,280
I don't feel like
I'm being wasteful.

347
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,960
Yeah well, not everyone's
got a SodaStream yet.

348
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,800
As CNN depicted, some families
living a stone's throw

349
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,800
from the factory scarcely have
a decent water supply.

350
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,440
Never mind fizzy drinks on tap, that
poor BLEEP would settle for a tap.

351
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,480
Speaking of hose,

352
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,240
the ad Scarlett sold herself for
was glossy and impressive.

353
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,240
Like most doctors,
my real job is saving the world.

354
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,000
Start with plain water, add bubbles,

355
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,320
mix in the perfect flavour.

356
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,920
Look, a soda that's better
for you and all of us.

357
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,840
Less sugar, less bottles.

358
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,800
Not less bottles! FEWER bottles!

359
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,280
BLEEP me! Like this advert
wasn't controversial enough!

360
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,920
If only I can make
this message go viral.

361
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,760
Er, think you've managed that.

362
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,400
But no, to make the message
go viral, Scarlett disrobes,

363
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,120
sensationally revealing
she's fully clothed?

364
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,400
I don't really get it.
I think we're supposed to think

365
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,360
she's sucking that straw really
sexily. But that's not enough.

366
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,000
I mean, I guess if she was slurping
that drink in front of that

367
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,520
poor boy from the harrowing
CNN footage,

368
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,560
I guess that'd be an ironic
juxtaposition that could go viral.

369
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,600
Especially when he looks plaintively
down the lens, almost like he's

370
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,360
looking at her, and she's just
sort of looking back taunting him.

371
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,720
And then she could turn to camera at
the end and say,

372
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,880
"Mm, evilicious!"
But that hasn't happened.

373
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,320
It's all a bit flat really.
Could use more bubbles.

374
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,800
Scarlett's super advert
aired during the Superbowl,

375
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,480
which as well as being a huge
sporting event comes complete

376
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,240
with blistering half-time
entertainment like this year's

377
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:39,760
barnstorming performance by Bruno
Mars and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

378
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,680
♪ What I got
You gotta get it, put it in ya

379
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,920
♪ What I got
You gotta get it, put it in ya... ♪

380
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,920
But who needs some
American Superbowl half-time show,

381
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,920
when you can see a super show
at the bowls, right here in Britain?

382
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,520
Specifically the World Indoor Bowls
Championships

383
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,320
in Great Yarmouth,
which was enlivened considerably by

384
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,200
this powerfully moving performance

385
00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:01,000
of Something Inside So Strong
by Barry off EastEnders.

386
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:05,280
♪ We're gonna do it anyway

387
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:10,840
♪ Because there's
something inside so strong

388
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,840
♪ I know that I can make it

389
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,640
♪ Though you're doing me wrong
so wrong... ♪

390
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,520
Where, where are you going?
Come back, come back!

391
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,040
The man's singing his heart out,
you bastards!

392
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,760
♪ There's something inside so strong

393
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:29,560
♪ Oh

394
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:32,320
♪ There's something inside so strong

395
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,400
♪ There's something inside
so strong... ♪

396
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,000
CHEESY MUSIC

397
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:42,840
Drizzle!

398
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,960
And as Britain continues to lose
it's ongoing war with the cloud gods

399
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:49,120
there were astonishing scenes as Sky
News visited the undersea kingdom

400
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,440
of Somerset, where the locals are
taking part in an exciting race to

401
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,520
see whether the authorities can bail
them out before they evolve gills.

402
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,480
Patches of Somerset
were absolutely sopping wet

403
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,480
and required sustained
and heavy pumping -

404
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,320
carried out around the clock
by tireless yet anonymous members

405
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,720
of the fire brigade -
just like your mum does.

406
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:06,800
What is it with her?

407
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,640
After the Government was accused
of leaving the Somerset folk

408
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,480
to marinade in their own filth
they sent in the army

409
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,720
to stand around
and look commanding on the news.

410
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,080
'But even those who live here
were unclear about their role.'

411
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,160
It seems a good idea,

412
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,480
but what exactly they're going to
do? I don't know.

413
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,280
It's obvious. They're going to
kick raindrops back into the sky.

414
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,560
In dispiriting scenes,

415
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,520
Sky's crack anchorwoman and cap
stand, Kay Burley, visited Langport,

416
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,960
an area of farmland twinned
with the Atlantic Ocean,

417
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,840
and achieved a career best by making
the sky weep openly on camera.

418
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,120
She interviewed a man
from the environment agency,

419
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,320
wearing a Hi-Vis jacket

420
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,520
so you could see him, even in
deluge-o-vision.

421
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:45,160
We've got enormous sympathy for the
people who have been flooded.

422
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,840
They don't, they want you to dredge.

423
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,880
I hope they do care.
It doesn't help, does it?

424
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,680
I'm sure they want us
to have sympathy.

425
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,080
Never mind the river,
I think my screen needs dredging.

426
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,640
Worried about health issues,
Sky commissioned a scientist

427
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:56,760
to sample the water

428
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,920
and find out how much
of a health hazard it might be.

429
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,680
This would be something
like streptococcus,

430
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,240
group A streptococcus,

431
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,280
which could cause quite a nasty skin
infection if it got into a wound.

432
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,640
See, that looks horrible,

433
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:12,000
but on the plus side it tastes
absolutely great on rye bread. Mm!

434
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,000
A few miles away in Waterworld,
the news revealed helicopters

435
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,600
plugging a gap in the sea wall
with sandbags.

436
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:18,640
While in Fishguard,

437
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:22,720
eight one-tonne bags of aggregate
have been placed in the lower town

438
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:26,880
to protect properties ahead
of high tides tomorrow morning.

439
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,440
I'm no expert but I reckon the water

440
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,960
might get round that.

441
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,320
With their fulsome and well-balanced
coverage,

442
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,480
ITV proved it's grim up Aberystwyth
way,

443
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:35,880
but at least the good folk there

444
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,200
have got used to dealing
with the cruddy weather.

445
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,760
I think we are, we are getting
better in this, you know?

446
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,360
Now we have more experience.

447
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,400
I don't know that you've
mastered the umbrella.

448
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:49,360
Finance now and money is either good
news or bad news, isn't it?

449
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,480
But for as long as anyone can
remember,

450
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:54,160
which incidentally is 2008,
it's been bad news.

451
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,720
Until recently, when suddenly it
wasn't. Apparently.

452
00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,760
The biggest fall in unemployment
in 17 years

453
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,400
as the British economy begins
to rocket into action.

454
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,000
Yes, thanks to these animated
numbers the financial crisis

455
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,800
was totally over
and everyone in Britain

456
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,440
was a fully-employed millionaire.

457
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,120
To think, just a few weeks ago

458
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:15,280
Channel 4's grimly depressing
Benefits Street was current affairs,

459
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,360
now it's period drama.

460
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,440
Thanks to the economic turnaround,
instead of worrying about this,

461
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,480
we can just marvel at how great
it looks on our HD tellies.

462
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,840
Wow! Their suffering is pin sharp!

463
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,520
Some cynics claim employment
figures are only rising

464
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,840
because Cameron's been touring
the country for weeks

465
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,720
disguising himself
as a manual worker

466
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,040
on countless occasions
to boost the numbers.

467
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,280
Look, here he's playing a surveyor,
here he's a factory worker,

468
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,520
here he's a salt of the earth
Tetley tea man,

469
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,960
here a tour guide showing
French dickslingers around,

470
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,120
and here he is as a malevolent
lizard blackness-from-the-stars

471
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,600
temporarily shape-shifted
into human form.

472
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,200
But the apparently good
financial news is bad news

473
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,040
for plasticine buzzkill
Ed Miliband,

474
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,800
seen here accepting a glass of beer

475
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,120
from a man
who looks like Ant and Dec.

476
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:57,440
He's recently been trying to

477
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,520
drum the notion of a cost of living
crisis into the national brain

478
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,520
by repeating the phrase so often
it becomes a kind of echo.

479
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,400
I talked about the cost of living
crisis and the squeezed middle.

480
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,760
Is the cost of living crisis
really such a big deal?

481
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:13,880
The cost of living crisis
is the single biggest challenge

482
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,360
our country faces.

483
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:17,960
That is the cost of living crisis.

484
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,920
Of course, many people's view
of the entire country's financial

485
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,320
situation depends on their own
personal circumstances

486
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,720
and whether the cost of things
they're spending money on

487
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,600
is rising faster than their incomes.

488
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,480
For instance, many feel the squeeze

489
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,840
because of factors like
skyrocketing energy bills.

490
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,160
Although to be honest, I'd be happy
to pay more for gas

491
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,920
and electricity if energy companies
would stop running this

492
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,360
sort of twee, bollock-lazy,
animal whimsy, ukulele sing-song,

493
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:41,680
cartoon horseshit

494
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,080
in every other ad break.

495
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:46,080
This is Hive, it lets you
control your heating from anywhere

496
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,280
with your phone.

497
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,440
So why aren't you...
# Surfing on a cab

498
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,680
♪ Going to visit your mad dad

499
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,840
♪ Or shopping for some trousers

500
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:55,800
♪ When it starts snowing
on your schnauzers

501
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,720
♪ While Hive is busy
controlling your heating at home. ♪

502
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,320
Or you could...

503
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,960
♪ Sing about tigers from Burma
while Gran dies of hypothermia

504
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,640
♪ Poor cow
dropped dead with the chills

505
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,760
♪ Cos she can't pay
your swollen bills

506
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,000
♪ While I'm withstanding
this terrible advert at home. ♪

507
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,680
So what exactly
is going on with money?

508
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:15,800
And what is money anyhow?

509
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:19,680
Well, don't worry if you don't know
because Philomena Cunk is here now

510
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:23,160
to unravel that mystery in this
week's Moments of Wonder.

511
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,880
EPIC MUSIC

512
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,600
BUSY STRING MUSIC

513
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,600
Money is at the heart
of the UK economy, and many others.

514
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,640
People fight for it,
die for it and put it in china pigs.

515
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,800
So what is money?

516
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,960
Put simply,
money is the best way we have

517
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,840
of telling how much money you've got.

518
00:23:56,120 --> 00:24:00,720
Over the centuries, many things have
been used as money including amber,

519
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:06,320
wheat, eggs, traveller's cheques,
feathers, book vouchers, lobsters,

520
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,280
beads, gold, leather,

521
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:12,800
Nectar points,
rice, peas, mugs and money.

522
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,640
It was only the last of these
that caught on.

523
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,080
Increasingly these days,

524
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:23,640
money isn't something you can
hold in your hand or bite on

525
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:28,520
like a pirate because it's stored
in the imaginations of computers

526
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,280
and some of those computers
are probably here,

527
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,280
in the Bank of England.

528
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,600
But that computer money is in crisis.

529
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,720
UK Government debt is now
ã1 trillion,

530
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,840
and even Wonga can't help.

531
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,440
So who can?

532
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,880
Maybe a money expert can tell us
what money is and what to do.

533
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,960
Who are you and why are you
an expert on money?

534
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,240
I'm Will Hutton, I'm an economist
and I'm an economic writer.

535
00:24:56,240 --> 00:25:01,760
What's the difference
between ee-conomics and economics?

536
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,000
Nothing.

537
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,600
It's just the way you
pronounce the e.

538
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:10,760
I think I prefer economics
to ee-conomics.

539
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:14,880
But I wonder what... You could put
the same question to the Chancellor

540
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,520
and the Governor
of the Bank of England

541
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,840
and see whether they like
the hard E or the soft E.

542
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,680
Hardy or softie?
Economics, ee-conomics.

543
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:28,680
Ee-conomics? Economics? OK.

544
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:32,720
Money's all stored in computers
these days, isn't it? Yes.

545
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:36,040
How does a computer know
what money looks like?

546
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,320
How does it know?

547
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,040
Well the, uh...
How does it recognise anything?

548
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:46,400
How does a computer recognise,
you know, erm... So you don't know?

549
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,920
It's... You know in principle
but you don't know in detail, no.

550
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:53,880
Do you know what
I think's happened?

551
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,920
Someone's told a computer
what money looks like.

552
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,120
They've gone up to a computer
and they've said,

553
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,040
"This is, like, a five pound note."

554
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,120
And then that computer's
told the others.

555
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:10,200
When you have a coin,
where is the money in that coin?

556
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,120
If I were to take a coin
and cut it open,

557
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:17,360
could I take the money out of that
coin and then it'd be empty?

558
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,480
No, the coin is a token.

559
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,200
The whole point about the coins
in your pocket

560
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:26,520
is they are universally accepted
as a way of buying things,

561
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:27,840
that's what the money is.

562
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:31,400
How much does it cost
to make a one pence piece?

563
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:37,320
Because if it's less than one pence
then it's a con, isn't it?

564
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:41,440
But if it's, like, more than one
pence, then...

565
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,800
Do you see what I mean? Yeah.

566
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,560
Sort of not worth it then.
Yeah, yeah.

567
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:50,520
It costs a TINY amount of money to
make create a one penny piece

568
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,520
and that's...
So they're ripping us off?

569
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:57,240
It seems no-one really knows
what money is.

570
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,320
It will always be
an unsolvable problem,

571
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,240
like a crossword or a Rubik's cube.

572
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:05,480
Next time on Moments of Wonder,

573
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:08,360
I'll be asking why there's more
water in a tap

574
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:10,440
than you'd expect.

575
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,920
MUSIC: "Take On Me" by a-ha

576
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,000
Courts!

577
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,320
And as the hacking trial
enters it's ninth decade,

578
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,360
things perk up as one of the
Laws of the land

579
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:24,080
walks the legal red carpet on his
way to give evidence.

580
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,920
Yes, Hollywood starlet Jude Law
was appearing in court

581
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,160
and as ITV News made clear,

582
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,440
he's playing a young Tony Blair
in the production -

583
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,080
perhaps the most fully drawn
character he's tackled yet.

584
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,880
In fact, I'd go so far as to
say that is the most moving scene

585
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,160
featuring Jude Law
I've ever watched.

586
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,320
Actually, looking at the BBC footage
I'd say he's had work done.

587
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:42,800
It doesn't even look like him

588
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,040
any more. It's very sad.

589
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,200
Shortly afterwards, Jude's former
girlfriend

590
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,320
Sienna Miller also popped
up to give evidence.

591
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:50,920
The poor thing, these modern HD
cameras are so unforgiving.

592
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,600
Look, you can see all her lines.
I have to say,

593
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,840
ITN's coverage
was far less patchy than that.

594
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,280
I mean, just look at it,
it's practically a work of art.

595
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,400
It's so good,
it's already been released on DVD,

596
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,000
where it's proved so compelling,

597
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,600
as you can see, an appreciative
audience has already been drawn in.

598
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,640
Of course, Jude
and Sienna are movie stars

599
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,120
but by pulling a face like a doodle

600
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:11,880
they're drawing on a TV tradition
that started back in the '80s,

601
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,520
when it was pioneered
by a-ha's Morten Haarket

602
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,840
in the astonishing
video for Take On Me.

603
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:21,240
♪ Take on me

604
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:22,920
♪ Take on me... ♪

605
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:24,720
And it's a trend that continues,

606
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,280
as you can see from the BBC footage

607
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:29,040
of controversial courtroom drama
Allegation Street.

608
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,520
Which features a handsome
drawing of Ken Barlow

609
00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:34,400
and a beautiful drawing
of his wife - Deidre Barlow.

610
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,600
It's good but it's
not as exciting as EastEnders,

611
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,120
where a family of coloured pencils
just moved in to 2B,

612
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:40,440
causing a right pen-and-ink,

613
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,360
then these proper EastEnd thugs
called the Crayon Twins turned up

614
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:46,960
for a cheeky sharpener at the Vic,
and then Phil got rubbed out.

615
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,880
'God that was awful! Pencil puns?
What is this, Crackerjack?

616
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:53,680
'I think I got away with it.
I doubt anyone will even notice,

617
00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:55,760
'unless they've mic'd
up my mind again.

618
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:57,280
'I hate it when they do that.

619
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,200
'Probably best to end the show
to be sure.'

620
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,720
Hmm. Well, that's all
we've got time for this week.

621
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:04,480
Until next time, go away.

622
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:06,560
MUSIC: "You Are Here" by Nathan Fake