1 00:01:43,248 --> 00:01:44,149 Pervert. 2 00:01:44,249 --> 00:01:45,884 What? 3 00:01:45,984 --> 00:01:48,754 Just doing a little riverdance on your boobs. 4 00:01:48,854 --> 00:01:52,057 More like ice capades. 5 00:01:54,593 --> 00:01:58,130 No, no, no, no, I stink. 6 00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:01,066 Um, yes, I want... I want that. 7 00:02:01,166 --> 00:02:05,003 No, you stink. 8 00:02:06,439 --> 00:02:08,874 Blah. 9 00:02:10,342 --> 00:02:12,177 ♪ let's get ready for school ♪ 10 00:02:12,277 --> 00:02:15,013 One, two, three, four, five. 11 00:02:15,113 --> 00:02:16,449 ♪ let's get ready for school ♪ 12 00:02:16,482 --> 00:02:18,912 One, two, three... four, five. 13 00:02:18,917 --> 00:02:20,819 - Sylvia! - Yes? 14 00:02:20,919 --> 00:02:22,655 I made a roast. 15 00:02:22,755 --> 00:02:24,323 Can you just put it in the refrigerator? 16 00:02:24,423 --> 00:02:26,359 - Yes. - And then 350 at 4:00? 17 00:02:26,459 --> 00:02:28,194 - Si. - I think that... that'll work. 18 00:02:28,294 --> 00:02:30,196 Come on. Put that away. 19 00:02:30,296 --> 00:02:31,597 Hey, hey, hey, let's go. 20 00:02:31,697 --> 00:02:32,998 Let's go! 21 00:02:33,166 --> 00:02:34,933 Let's go, let's go. 22 00:02:35,033 --> 00:02:36,769 Oh, man. Hello... Len? 23 00:02:36,869 --> 00:02:38,237 Was that your dad? 24 00:02:38,337 --> 00:02:40,273 Did your dad just go to work without saying good-bye? 25 00:02:40,373 --> 00:02:42,608 I think your dad just went to work. 26 00:02:42,708 --> 00:02:44,177 Where are my keys? 27 00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:53,419 So I have a new idea. 28 00:02:53,519 --> 00:02:55,521 - Okay. - A really big juicy one. 29 00:02:55,621 --> 00:02:57,190 Remember that kids book "Are you my mother"? 30 00:02:57,290 --> 00:02:59,225 Oh, yeah, that motherfucking bird? 31 00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:01,059 The one that's like, "Oh, the tractor. 32 00:03:01,194 --> 00:03:03,329 - You're my mom." - Yeah, the little birdy. 33 00:03:03,429 --> 00:03:06,399 Um, okay, I want to do a parody of that, 34 00:03:06,499 --> 00:03:08,534 sort of urban outfitters checkout line book, 35 00:03:08,634 --> 00:03:10,769 - you know, those little... - Yeah, yeah, best seller. 36 00:03:10,869 --> 00:03:12,037 - I get it. - Yeah, big money. 37 00:03:12,205 --> 00:03:14,440 Um, that's, like, called... 38 00:03:14,540 --> 00:03:18,110 Are you... my, um... 39 00:03:18,211 --> 00:03:20,879 - Soul mate? - Oh, jeez. 40 00:03:20,979 --> 00:03:24,450 Um... 41 00:03:24,550 --> 00:03:27,920 A sort of cautionary tale about... 42 00:03:28,020 --> 00:03:29,688 Slutting around and... 43 00:03:29,788 --> 00:03:31,657 You know, just... being me. 44 00:03:31,757 --> 00:03:33,959 - Yeah, I'm on board. - Good, right? 45 00:03:34,059 --> 00:03:35,494 Yeah, top seller. 46 00:03:35,594 --> 00:03:37,930 This is weird. My dad literally never calls me. 47 00:03:38,030 --> 00:03:40,233 - All right. - Hi, dad. 48 00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:41,934 - Get your foot off my backpack. - Ella, get in your seat. 49 00:03:42,034 --> 00:03:43,369 I'm not touching it. 50 00:03:43,469 --> 00:03:44,937 - Stop. Stop it. - Uh, all right. 51 00:03:45,037 --> 00:03:46,939 His foot is on my lunchbox. 52 00:03:47,039 --> 00:03:48,140 Hey, wait, let me get this in 53 00:03:48,241 --> 00:03:49,975 so I can put your sister in. 54 00:03:51,477 --> 00:03:53,145 Hands up, hands up, hands up. 55 00:03:53,246 --> 00:03:54,547 Why do you always believe her? 56 00:03:55,781 --> 00:03:57,783 - Mom, mom, mom? - Oh, it's grandpa. 57 00:03:57,883 --> 00:04:00,819 Hey, dad, what's up? I got the kids in the car. 58 00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:02,455 Oh, this is super tweet-able. 59 00:04:02,555 --> 00:04:03,989 Girls in the band getting crafty. 60 00:04:04,089 --> 00:04:05,324 - Perfect. - Can you knock it off? 61 00:04:05,424 --> 00:04:06,859 Can you, uh, lift it up a little bit? 62 00:04:06,959 --> 00:04:08,361 - No. Mm-mm. - Are you kidding? 63 00:04:08,461 --> 00:04:10,796 - No, I'm serious. Just... - Like this? Like... 64 00:04:10,896 --> 00:04:12,265 - No. - So that... 65 00:04:12,365 --> 00:04:14,032 'Cause I want to continue with my knitting. 66 00:04:14,132 --> 00:04:16,034 Is this sativa or indica? 67 00:04:16,134 --> 00:04:17,035 - Sativa. - Tell Barry... 68 00:04:17,135 --> 00:04:18,471 Are you serious? 69 00:04:18,571 --> 00:04:19,972 - That, uh, we need to... - God, stop talking. 70 00:04:20,072 --> 00:04:21,274 ... re-record my vocals on party fowl. 71 00:04:21,374 --> 00:04:22,908 No, sativa gives me anxiety attacks. 72 00:04:23,008 --> 00:04:24,277 - Okay. - Hi. 73 00:04:24,377 --> 00:04:25,778 - Someone's here. - Someone has keys? 74 00:04:25,878 --> 00:04:27,713 - Should I hide the weed? - Yeah, it's my sister. 75 00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:29,948 She's got keys, and yes, hide the pot, 76 00:04:30,048 --> 00:04:31,149 or she'll smoke it all. 77 00:04:31,284 --> 00:04:32,751 Hey, whoa. 78 00:04:32,851 --> 00:04:34,320 Hello. 79 00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:36,722 - Hi. - There's two of you. 80 00:04:36,822 --> 00:04:39,292 Hi, I'm Ali. 81 00:04:50,736 --> 00:04:54,507 Tammy? 82 00:04:54,607 --> 00:04:55,441 Whoa. 83 00:04:55,541 --> 00:04:56,642 Hi. 84 00:04:56,742 --> 00:04:58,344 - Sarah, wow. - What are you doing... 85 00:04:58,444 --> 00:05:00,813 I mean why are you... I thought your kid was older. 86 00:05:00,913 --> 00:05:04,317 Oh, no that... that's Bianca. No, with... with my first wife. 87 00:05:04,350 --> 00:05:05,551 Um, she's 17 now. 88 00:05:05,651 --> 00:05:07,420 Yeah, and Quinn and I, we... we split. 89 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,322 - Oh, I'm sorry. - No. No, no. 90 00:05:09,388 --> 00:05:11,189 I'm married to Barb now, so... 91 00:05:11,324 --> 00:05:13,025 I'm giving it a... giving it another go around, 92 00:05:13,125 --> 00:05:14,860 a second go around. 93 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,195 Yeah. We have a... we got a five-year-old, Gracie, 94 00:05:17,330 --> 00:05:20,699 who, uh... she just got booted out of the oaks. 95 00:05:20,799 --> 00:05:22,801 Yeah, no, she bit a kid, and he was a total a-hole 96 00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:25,504 and completely deserved it, but, you know. 97 00:05:25,604 --> 00:05:26,805 What about you? 98 00:05:26,905 --> 00:05:28,374 What you got? 99 00:05:28,474 --> 00:05:31,510 Uh, Ella is five, and Zacky is six, 100 00:05:31,610 --> 00:05:34,613 and I'm married... to a guy. 101 00:05:34,713 --> 00:05:36,849 - His name's Len. - Yeah, yeah. 102 00:05:36,949 --> 00:05:38,484 - He's great. - Okay. 103 00:05:38,584 --> 00:05:40,185 Hey, I saw the profile on you 104 00:05:40,353 --> 00:05:43,356 about your interior, um, decorator... 105 00:05:43,389 --> 00:05:45,190 - Yeah, designer, actually. - Sorry, designer. 106 00:05:45,358 --> 00:05:46,625 - But that's okay. - Really, that photo 107 00:05:46,725 --> 00:05:48,193 - was amazing. - You know, it's good. 108 00:05:48,361 --> 00:05:50,629 It pays the alimony and the child support. 109 00:05:50,729 --> 00:05:53,265 - We should get together. - Maybe a playdate. 110 00:05:53,366 --> 00:05:54,833 - I can... - Right, with the kids. 111 00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:56,735 - Yeah. - I'll put a muzzle on Gracie. 112 00:06:00,138 --> 00:06:01,774 You look really great, kid. 113 00:06:06,314 --> 00:06:08,951 Oh, my God, please don't tell me you fucked 'em both 114 00:06:09,051 --> 00:06:11,887 - at the same time. - No, I'm actually not, 115 00:06:11,987 --> 00:06:15,123 because one of them is 17, so I'm not fucking her. 116 00:06:15,223 --> 00:06:17,660 The other one is an actual delightful human person, 117 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,361 so I'm not fucking her either. 118 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:22,297 I'm actually making very sweet love to her, 119 00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,166 you know, just sort of like connective, 120 00:06:24,266 --> 00:06:25,634 spiritual, creamy, double-churned... 121 00:06:25,734 --> 00:06:27,102 No, don't talk to me like that. 122 00:06:27,202 --> 00:06:28,904 Which one are you doing that creepy thing to? 123 00:06:29,004 --> 00:06:30,873 The one on the left with the hair. 124 00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:32,775 Their band's actually good. 125 00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:34,309 - You would like them. - Oh, really? 126 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,344 - Yeah, yeah. - What are they called? 127 00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:37,613 Glitterish. 128 00:06:37,713 --> 00:06:39,482 - Glitterish? - Yes. 129 00:06:39,548 --> 00:06:41,650 - Sounds like clitoris. - No, it doesn't. 130 00:06:41,750 --> 00:06:43,619 This is the one where one woman stands in the back 131 00:06:43,719 --> 00:06:45,754 very seriously playing the triangle? 132 00:06:45,854 --> 00:06:47,490 - Yeah, that's true... - Ah, yes. 133 00:06:47,590 --> 00:06:49,492 But it's actually really important to the sound. 134 00:06:49,558 --> 00:06:50,993 - It is. - Very important to the sound? 135 00:06:51,093 --> 00:06:53,829 Oh, my God. What do you have against the triangle? 136 00:06:53,929 --> 00:06:56,264 How do you feed these children you have over at your house? 137 00:06:56,364 --> 00:06:57,633 There's nothing in here. 138 00:06:57,733 --> 00:06:59,502 You should get some, you know, what they like? 139 00:06:59,568 --> 00:07:02,004 Juice boxes and string cheese, treats for the kids. 140 00:07:02,104 --> 00:07:04,507 - Are you done? - Have you talked to daddy? 141 00:07:04,607 --> 00:07:07,643 - Yes. - And? 142 00:07:07,743 --> 00:07:10,679 - You think he has cancer? - Kinda. 143 00:07:10,779 --> 00:07:13,315 Well, if he's really sick, he should start gifting us 144 00:07:13,415 --> 00:07:14,683 12 thou a year now. 145 00:07:14,783 --> 00:07:16,251 Why? 146 00:07:16,351 --> 00:07:17,920 Tax purposes, you know. 147 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:22,190 It just... anyways, don't worry about it. 148 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,537 - Hi. - Oh, oh, what is this? 149 00:07:34,570 --> 00:07:35,904 Shotgun Willy's. 150 00:07:36,004 --> 00:07:38,406 Oh, my God, I just got a boner in my tummy. 151 00:07:39,842 --> 00:07:42,210 This one is pretty sure dad has cancer. 152 00:07:42,310 --> 00:07:44,747 - What? No. Seriously? - Seriously. 153 00:07:44,847 --> 00:07:46,281 I thought maybe we were here to 154 00:07:46,381 --> 00:07:48,551 hear about his engagement to Marcy. 155 00:07:48,651 --> 00:07:49,685 Dad's not getting engaged. 156 00:07:49,785 --> 00:07:51,253 He's too much of a pussy hound. 157 00:07:51,353 --> 00:07:53,589 Really, he's a Marcy hound. 158 00:07:53,689 --> 00:07:55,758 Haven't, like, the last six been named Marcy? 159 00:07:55,858 --> 00:07:57,560 - Yeah, Goldberg, Kaplan. - Two. Two Marcys. 160 00:07:57,660 --> 00:07:58,894 Goldberg and Kaplan. 161 00:07:58,994 --> 00:08:02,898 Marcy Fitzelfinerheinstein. 162 00:08:02,998 --> 00:08:06,401 Rubenstein, or... what was that one? 163 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:08,871 Ru... Rubishnowitzshitzlitz. 164 00:08:08,971 --> 00:08:11,439 - Ridinkle. - Marcy Kristallnacht. 165 00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:13,175 - Belsenberger? - Kristallnacht. 166 00:08:15,611 --> 00:08:17,646 Seriously, do you really think it's cancer? 167 00:08:17,746 --> 00:08:19,782 Does Shotgun Willy's do the coleslaw 168 00:08:19,882 --> 00:08:21,149 - with the peanuts by the way? - Damn you, cancer. 169 00:08:21,249 --> 00:08:22,585 - Yes, they do. - Fuck. 170 00:08:22,618 --> 00:08:24,052 Who puts peanuts in coleslaw? Assholes. 171 00:08:24,152 --> 00:08:28,591 My darlings. My beautiful, beautiful darlings. 172 00:08:28,657 --> 00:08:29,658 Hi, dad. 173 00:08:29,758 --> 00:08:31,159 - Hey, gorgeous. - Hi. 174 00:08:31,259 --> 00:08:32,360 You're skinny. 175 00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:33,596 Come on. 176 00:08:33,662 --> 00:08:36,464 Jesus. Tammy motherfucking Cashman? 177 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,667 God, does Len know the kids are at same school? 178 00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:40,703 Why would Len care? 179 00:08:40,803 --> 00:08:43,105 Um, maybe 'cause you guys spent your entire college years 180 00:08:43,205 --> 00:08:44,607 lezzing it up together? 181 00:08:44,673 --> 00:08:46,408 Please, who doesn't experiment in college? 182 00:08:46,508 --> 00:08:48,043 Are you kidding? That's not experimenting. 183 00:08:48,213 --> 00:08:50,382 You guys were talking about adopting a kid together. 184 00:08:50,482 --> 00:08:51,817 That did not happen. 185 00:08:51,917 --> 00:08:53,686 Oh, my God, I distinctly remember you calling 186 00:08:53,752 --> 00:08:55,688 and saying you were gonna have two Mexican boys... 187 00:08:55,788 --> 00:08:56,955 - Wait, they're... - Salvadoran. 188 00:08:57,055 --> 00:08:59,992 Ali, get over here, you little hooker. 189 00:09:00,092 --> 00:09:02,961 You always do such a good job of getting the food, honey. 190 00:09:03,061 --> 00:09:05,463 Oh, thanks. You can put it on my tombstone. 191 00:09:05,563 --> 00:09:07,465 "Always knew how much to order." 192 00:09:07,565 --> 00:09:08,466 How many are we? 193 00:09:08,566 --> 00:09:10,703 Is, um, is Marcy coming? 194 00:09:10,769 --> 00:09:14,039 Oh, no, no, no, Marcy and I broke up. 195 00:09:14,139 --> 00:09:17,776 I'm fine. I'm better, actually. 196 00:09:17,876 --> 00:09:19,411 Okay, here it is. Here it is. 197 00:09:19,511 --> 00:09:21,747 Oh, my God, look at that face. 198 00:09:21,847 --> 00:09:24,349 - Mm. Oh, God. - Look at that. 199 00:09:24,449 --> 00:09:27,519 They would never let me sign a guy like this right now. 200 00:09:27,619 --> 00:09:29,221 Look at that schnoz. 201 00:09:29,321 --> 00:09:32,858 You could not get that nose on TV today in a million years. 202 00:09:32,958 --> 00:09:35,460 I loved him so much. 203 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:36,962 You... you married him. 204 00:09:37,062 --> 00:09:38,831 I did, when I was four years old. 205 00:09:38,931 --> 00:09:40,999 We had a ceremony. 206 00:09:41,099 --> 00:09:43,068 - I'll never be happy again. - * operator * 207 00:09:43,168 --> 00:09:49,742 ♪ would you help me place this call? ♪ 208 00:09:49,842 --> 00:09:55,347 ♪ see the number on the matchbook is old and faded ♪ 209 00:09:58,683 --> 00:10:01,319 ♪ living in L.A. ♪ 210 00:10:01,419 --> 00:10:02,654 - Wonderful job. - Okay. 211 00:10:02,755 --> 00:10:04,222 - These are really amazing. - Wonderful job 212 00:10:04,322 --> 00:10:05,758 - driving up to the place. - Ali, you didn't have one of these. 213 00:10:05,858 --> 00:10:06,425 Are you kidding? 214 00:10:07,092 --> 00:10:08,593 - What? - Sarah, I'm gluten-free. 215 00:10:08,693 --> 00:10:10,062 You're having problems with gluten? 216 00:10:10,162 --> 00:10:11,964 Yes, daddy, I'm having problems with gluten. 217 00:10:12,064 --> 00:10:13,899 Yeah, she is. She's having a lot of problems with gluten, 218 00:10:13,999 --> 00:10:15,233 - with... also with restless legs. - It's restless leg syndrome. 219 00:10:15,333 --> 00:10:16,802 - Also, Epstein-Barr... - Mercury poisoning. 220 00:10:16,902 --> 00:10:18,203 - Chronic fatigue, Lyme disease. - Fibromyalgia. 221 00:10:18,303 --> 00:10:21,139 - She had Lyme disease. - No, seriously, it was documented. 222 00:10:21,239 --> 00:10:22,908 Four people in Los Angeles have ever had Lyme disease. 223 00:10:23,008 --> 00:10:24,376 Excuse me, there was a bull's eye in my armpit. 224 00:10:24,476 --> 00:10:25,844 And Ali is one of 'em, but it was temporary. 225 00:10:25,944 --> 00:10:27,712 Dad, you have sauce right here. 226 00:10:27,813 --> 00:10:30,015 Oh, my God, leave him alone. He's mid-meal, okay? 227 00:10:30,115 --> 00:10:32,117 This is the golden rule. Let him be as messy as he wants. 228 00:10:32,217 --> 00:10:33,618 We'll hose him down at the end. 229 00:10:33,718 --> 00:10:35,653 No, you clean up as you go along. 230 00:10:35,754 --> 00:10:37,255 You guys really didn't ever teach us how to eat. 231 00:10:37,355 --> 00:10:38,556 You realize that, right? 232 00:10:38,656 --> 00:10:40,926 Because we come from Shtetl people. 233 00:10:41,026 --> 00:10:43,796 Your grandma rose actually ate lettuce with her bare hands. 234 00:10:43,896 --> 00:10:45,597 Dear God. Josh, seriously? 235 00:10:45,697 --> 00:10:48,166 Oh, my... do something about yourself. 236 00:10:48,266 --> 00:10:49,868 Actually, on principle, I will not. 237 00:10:49,968 --> 00:10:52,004 I'm eating barbecue, and it's on my face. 238 00:10:52,104 --> 00:10:53,405 I'm not perfect like you. You have flesh coming off 239 00:10:53,505 --> 00:10:54,807 - your mustache. - Okay. 240 00:10:54,907 --> 00:10:56,408 Sarah is, like, Miss Cleanliness USA 1992. 241 00:10:56,508 --> 00:10:57,810 Oh, you know what? It's really not that hard... 242 00:10:57,910 --> 00:10:59,144 - you wipe... - Why don't you clean up 243 00:10:59,244 --> 00:11:00,412 the barbecue sauce inside of your vagina? 244 00:11:00,512 --> 00:11:03,381 - Hey, guys. - Sorry. 245 00:11:03,481 --> 00:11:07,585 Listen, I have... I... I need to talk to you about something. 246 00:11:07,685 --> 00:11:11,824 There's a big change going on, and... 247 00:11:13,425 --> 00:11:17,195 Oh, God, I love you kids. I love you kids. 248 00:11:17,295 --> 00:11:18,596 I love you kids. 249 00:11:18,696 --> 00:11:21,399 I love you kids. I love you kids. 250 00:11:21,499 --> 00:11:23,301 - It is cancer. Oh, my God. - Daddy, are you dying? 251 00:11:23,401 --> 00:11:24,870 - Just tell us if you're dying. - You were right. 252 00:11:24,970 --> 00:11:26,638 - I knew it was cancer. - Daddy, are you dying? 253 00:11:26,738 --> 00:11:28,240 - I don't think he has cancer. - Just tell us if you're dying. 254 00:11:28,340 --> 00:11:29,707 Dad, just tell us if you have cancer. 255 00:11:29,842 --> 00:11:30,708 Dad, you look good. He looks good. 256 00:11:30,843 --> 00:11:32,010 Thank you. 257 00:11:32,110 --> 00:11:33,278 It doesn't matter how he looks. 258 00:11:33,378 --> 00:11:34,847 - You remember Jill Goldberg? - Yeah. 259 00:11:34,913 --> 00:11:36,214 She had a melanoma for three years. 260 00:11:36,314 --> 00:11:37,749 They didn't... they couldn't see it. 261 00:11:37,850 --> 00:11:38,851 Then boom! She's dead. 262 00:11:38,917 --> 00:11:40,385 - Jill Goldberg is dead? - Yeah. 263 00:11:40,485 --> 00:11:42,254 No, and if daddy had cancer, he'd have the kind where 264 00:11:42,354 --> 00:11:44,022 you looked at... like the one... all your friends died of it... 265 00:11:44,122 --> 00:11:45,858 - Prostate. - Prostate, prostate cancer. 266 00:11:45,924 --> 00:11:47,259 That's the one that you would probably have, right? 267 00:11:47,359 --> 00:11:48,894 - Colon cancer. Super stuff. - Oh, my goodness. 268 00:11:48,994 --> 00:11:50,562 - You never know. - Nothing to be joked about. 269 00:11:50,662 --> 00:11:52,264 - That's beside the point. - How many of your friend... 270 00:11:52,364 --> 00:11:56,701 God! Stop it. 271 00:11:56,869 --> 00:11:57,903 God, I don't have cancer. 272 00:11:58,003 --> 00:12:02,207 Do you kids want me to have cancer? 273 00:12:04,676 --> 00:12:08,546 All right. 274 00:12:12,284 --> 00:12:15,988 So... 275 00:12:16,088 --> 00:12:18,056 I'm selling the house. 276 00:12:18,156 --> 00:12:20,425 - I'm done with the house. - I'll take it. 277 00:12:20,525 --> 00:12:21,793 - No, you won't. - Why not? 278 00:12:21,894 --> 00:12:23,261 You're not gonna move to the West Side. 279 00:12:23,361 --> 00:12:24,997 No, not to live in. I'm gonna flip it. 280 00:12:25,097 --> 00:12:26,398 I've been zillowing the fuck out of this place. 281 00:12:26,498 --> 00:12:28,600 You know how much it's worth right now? 282 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:29,968 - Well, I... oh, it's cold. - I'm sorry. 283 00:12:30,068 --> 00:12:31,669 - I'm almost done. I just got to... - Please? 284 00:12:31,769 --> 00:12:33,171 I'm sorry. 285 00:12:33,271 --> 00:12:35,040 I'm thinking that you and Len would love to live 286 00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:36,608 - in this house. - Oh, my God. 287 00:12:36,708 --> 00:12:39,644 No fucking way. Jesus Christ. 288 00:12:39,744 --> 00:12:41,079 Why do you want to give the house to me? 289 00:12:41,179 --> 00:12:43,815 - Because I do. - This is crazy. 290 00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:44,917 Now, she needs two sugar daddies? 291 00:12:45,017 --> 00:12:46,518 She's already got one. 292 00:12:46,618 --> 00:12:48,586 I want a husband to buy me a house and work his ass off 293 00:12:48,686 --> 00:12:51,256 so I can just go to yoga and just take naps all day. 294 00:12:51,356 --> 00:12:52,991 - I'd love that. - Why do you two get to decide 295 00:12:53,091 --> 00:12:55,093 who gets the house? You both have a house. 296 00:12:55,193 --> 00:12:57,195 - I don't have a house. - You can't have a house 297 00:12:57,295 --> 00:12:59,664 because you can't handle money, which is proven by the fact 298 00:12:59,764 --> 00:13:00,832 that you don't have a house. 299 00:13:00,933 --> 00:13:02,667 "Proven" is not a word like that. 300 00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:04,836 "As proven by the fact"... that's a verb. 301 00:13:04,937 --> 00:13:07,039 As an adjective... "A proven fact"... that works. 302 00:13:07,139 --> 00:13:08,573 See, this is why you have to date children 'cause they don't 303 00:13:08,673 --> 00:13:11,009 - correct your grammar. - I do not date children. 304 00:13:11,109 --> 00:13:13,111 - Yes, you do. - You're a child, actually. 305 00:13:13,211 --> 00:13:15,347 Listen, dad, it would have been really nice if you had talked 306 00:13:15,447 --> 00:13:17,415 to me about this privately, before you turned it 307 00:13:17,515 --> 00:13:19,985 into a free-for-all. You know what? 308 00:13:20,085 --> 00:13:22,988 I have a show, and I love you guys very much, 309 00:13:23,088 --> 00:13:25,223 and I will speak to you later. 310 00:13:25,323 --> 00:13:27,759 Good-bye. 311 00:13:27,859 --> 00:13:29,394 All right, you want to take this home? 312 00:13:29,494 --> 00:13:30,862 Yes, please. 313 00:13:30,963 --> 00:13:32,764 Dad, you don't need all this food, right? 314 00:13:34,432 --> 00:13:37,602 Dad, I'm gonna put these baby backs in a ziploc for you. 315 00:13:40,205 --> 00:13:42,074 Where are you gonna live, daddy? 316 00:13:50,348 --> 00:13:51,583 Here you go. 317 00:13:56,354 --> 00:13:57,689 It's just a loan. 318 00:13:57,789 --> 00:13:59,157 You know, the unemployment people, 319 00:13:59,257 --> 00:14:01,016 they just suddenly got my apartment number wrong. 320 00:14:01,026 --> 00:14:03,746 - It's fine. - I don't know. Somebody else is getting my money. 321 00:14:04,396 --> 00:14:06,164 What happened to the, uh, Price is Right money? 322 00:14:06,264 --> 00:14:08,133 Dad, that was, like, six years ago. 323 00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:09,901 It was six years ago? 324 00:14:10,002 --> 00:14:11,769 Oh. Is that all gone? 325 00:14:11,869 --> 00:14:15,373 Yeah. It wasn't that much. 326 00:14:16,774 --> 00:14:20,245 Well, I'm always... always... 327 00:14:20,345 --> 00:14:23,315 Happy to help you out when you're in trouble. 328 00:14:23,415 --> 00:14:26,584 I'm not in trouble. I'm just... 329 00:14:26,684 --> 00:14:29,021 You know... 330 00:14:32,090 --> 00:14:33,525 out of all my kids, 331 00:14:33,625 --> 00:14:36,028 you're the one... 332 00:14:36,094 --> 00:14:39,264 you can see me most clearly. 333 00:14:42,534 --> 00:14:45,937 Probably because we share the depressive gene. 334 00:14:46,038 --> 00:14:49,741 I'm not depressed. 335 00:14:49,841 --> 00:14:53,711 Boy, it is so hard... 336 00:14:53,811 --> 00:14:55,213 when someone sees something 337 00:14:55,313 --> 00:14:58,516 you do not want them to see. 338 00:15:03,088 --> 00:15:05,957 Well, thanks. 339 00:15:06,058 --> 00:15:07,892 Ali, let's hit it. 340 00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:10,128 Go. You want to go. 341 00:15:27,579 --> 00:15:29,547 - Hello? - Hi. 342 00:15:29,647 --> 00:15:33,585 - How'd it go? - I... no, I couldn't do it. 343 00:15:33,685 --> 00:15:39,591 My God, I had no idea it was gonna be so hard. 344 00:15:39,691 --> 00:15:41,859 I know. 345 00:15:41,959 --> 00:15:43,961 Oh, thank you. I love you too. 346 00:15:44,096 --> 00:15:46,098 Yes, I will see you tomorrow. 347 00:15:46,164 --> 00:15:48,233 Yeah, good night. 348 00:16:27,439 --> 00:16:30,408 Hi. 349 00:16:47,024 --> 00:16:48,160 Make yourself comfortable. 350 00:18:01,102 --> 00:18:03,305 All he wanted to say was... you know, 351 00:18:03,338 --> 00:18:05,172 announce his retirement. 352 00:18:05,307 --> 00:18:06,674 - So that was it. - Yeah. 353 00:18:06,774 --> 00:18:08,810 Thought you guys already knew that he was retiring. 354 00:18:08,910 --> 00:18:12,314 Well, yeah, but not, like, when and... I mean, 355 00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:14,549 you know, he sort of... it was like a confirmation. 356 00:18:14,649 --> 00:18:17,640 Seems like something he could have told you over the phone, but... 357 00:18:17,644 --> 00:18:18,686 Yeah, I don't know. 358 00:18:18,786 --> 00:18:21,055 Maybe he just wanted to get us all together, I don't know. 359 00:18:21,155 --> 00:18:23,991 - You're sure it's not cancer? - No, no, we talked about that. 360 00:18:24,091 --> 00:18:28,062 No cancer, which is great. 361 00:18:29,997 --> 00:18:32,634 Hey, I was thinking about, um... 362 00:18:32,734 --> 00:18:35,937 inviting Tammy and Grace over for a playdate this week. 363 00:18:36,037 --> 00:18:37,539 Would that be okay? 364 00:18:37,639 --> 00:18:41,543 Of course it'd be okay. Why wouldn't it be okay? 365 00:18:41,643 --> 00:18:45,112 She's that, um, lesbian 366 00:18:45,212 --> 00:18:48,516 that I went to Madison with. 367 00:18:48,616 --> 00:18:51,753 I like lesbians. 368 00:18:58,025 --> 00:19:00,628 I says, "I didn't join this board to watch you turn it 369 00:19:00,728 --> 00:19:03,431 from people who care deeply about palm terrace to a bunch 370 00:19:03,531 --> 00:19:05,800 of newbies who never sat on a condo board before, 371 00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:08,202 never dealt with special assessments before, 372 00:19:08,370 --> 00:19:10,572 never dealt with shit, frankly." 373 00:19:10,672 --> 00:19:12,776 - Hi, darling. - Hi, mommy. 374 00:19:14,676 --> 00:19:16,878 I could go to jail. I could. 375 00:19:16,978 --> 00:19:19,414 If you're gonna sit there, take your shoes off. 376 00:19:19,514 --> 00:19:21,949 I'm gonna cut up cantaloupe. 377 00:19:22,049 --> 00:19:26,153 Well, he'll make a pretty penny off that sale. 378 00:19:26,253 --> 00:19:29,391 You're not gonna get any of it? 379 00:19:29,457 --> 00:19:30,758 He's done paying me out. 380 00:19:30,858 --> 00:19:33,595 Dating younger women doesn't come cheap. 381 00:19:33,695 --> 00:19:35,229 Well, he says he's single now. 382 00:19:35,397 --> 00:19:39,133 I wouldn't believe a word your father says. 383 00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:43,438 Nothing, not a word, nada, ninca, nein, nicht. 384 00:19:43,538 --> 00:19:45,106 How much did you guys pay for that house 385 00:19:45,206 --> 00:19:46,441 when you bought it? 386 00:19:46,541 --> 00:19:50,311 $83,000 in 1972. 387 00:19:50,412 --> 00:19:52,013 Josh and I were looking at old records. 388 00:19:52,113 --> 00:19:54,849 There's so many good ones. Why'd you let him keep them all? 389 00:19:54,949 --> 00:19:57,051 You know I don't care for music. 390 00:20:11,399 --> 00:20:13,000 Is he okay? 391 00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:16,237 - What? - Is he okay? 392 00:20:16,337 --> 00:20:17,605 Ask him. 393 00:20:17,755 --> 00:20:19,524 Everyone thinks since he started losing words 394 00:20:19,624 --> 00:20:23,728 he stopped being able to hear, but he can hear. 395 00:20:25,797 --> 00:20:27,599 Hi, Ed. 396 00:20:27,699 --> 00:20:31,202 Hi. 397 00:20:31,302 --> 00:20:34,405 How you doing? 398 00:20:34,506 --> 00:20:36,541 See? 399 00:20:40,411 --> 00:20:41,813 Where were you? 400 00:20:41,913 --> 00:20:43,648 I don't get why you'd ask me to sleep over 401 00:20:43,748 --> 00:20:48,185 if you're just gonna be, like, a billion years late. 402 00:20:48,285 --> 00:20:50,287 'Cause I can't sleep without you next to me now. 403 00:20:50,387 --> 00:20:52,657 Oh, my God, you have your ambiens. 404 00:20:52,757 --> 00:20:55,793 My dad's gonna sell my house. 405 00:20:55,893 --> 00:20:56,694 This house? 406 00:20:56,794 --> 00:20:58,863 No, the family house. 407 00:20:58,963 --> 00:21:01,232 They got divorced. My mom moved out. 408 00:21:01,332 --> 00:21:04,168 My dad got to keep it. 409 00:21:04,268 --> 00:21:07,672 I was 15. 410 00:21:07,772 --> 00:21:10,908 Why'd they get divorced? 411 00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:13,210 They said they weren't in love anymore. 412 00:21:20,384 --> 00:21:23,154 Well, I went to target, 413 00:21:23,254 --> 00:21:26,691 and I just... I took her out, you know what I mean? 414 00:21:26,791 --> 00:21:30,094 And I got into, you know, the checkout line, 415 00:21:30,194 --> 00:21:32,697 and the girl at the cash register said, 416 00:21:32,797 --> 00:21:35,366 "I need to see some I.D. 417 00:21:35,466 --> 00:21:37,134 With that credit card of yours." 418 00:21:37,234 --> 00:21:40,204 and, um, well, you know what that's like, right? 419 00:21:41,939 --> 00:21:46,043 And I just knew. I said, "This is gonna not be good. 420 00:21:46,143 --> 00:21:48,079 This is gonna get ugly." 421 00:21:48,179 --> 00:21:51,048 and so she just, um, 422 00:21:51,148 --> 00:21:52,950 kept looking at me... 423 00:21:56,020 --> 00:21:59,724 And then she said, 424 00:21:59,824 --> 00:22:03,060 "Oh." 425 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,596 Like that, you know? 426 00:22:05,830 --> 00:22:09,667 And she rung up the, um... 427 00:22:09,767 --> 00:22:12,269 batteries, something. 428 00:22:12,369 --> 00:22:14,238 Oh, that was a... 429 00:22:14,338 --> 00:22:17,241 I mean, that was a big victory. 430 00:22:17,341 --> 00:22:18,810 And I didn't, uh... I was like, 431 00:22:18,910 --> 00:22:21,012 "Do not cry in front of this woman. 432 00:22:21,112 --> 00:22:25,617 Do not cry in front of this woman." 433 00:22:25,650 --> 00:22:26,918 Thank you for your share, Maura. 434 00:22:27,018 --> 00:22:29,020 Thanks for being vulnerable with us. 435 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:30,855 One more thing. 436 00:22:30,955 --> 00:22:32,356 I made a commitment here last week 437 00:22:32,456 --> 00:22:33,658 that I was gonna come out to my kids, 438 00:22:33,758 --> 00:22:37,428 and I didn't do it. 439 00:22:37,528 --> 00:22:42,634 Because it just wasn't time, you know? 440 00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:45,136 But I will, and it will be soon... 441 00:22:45,236 --> 00:22:46,638 - Yeah. - I promise you. 442 00:22:46,738 --> 00:22:48,806 I promise you. 443 00:22:48,906 --> 00:22:52,977 I promise you. 444 00:22:57,381 --> 00:22:59,917 They are so selfish. 445 00:23:03,921 --> 00:23:06,658 I don't know how it is I raised three people 446 00:23:06,724 --> 00:23:09,661 who cannot see beyond themselves. 447 00:23:52,950 --> 00:23:54,919 Do you remember, um, my parents' house? 448 00:23:55,019 --> 00:23:56,287 Do I remember? 449 00:23:56,387 --> 00:23:58,189 Don't you remember, you took me up there for the, 450 00:23:58,289 --> 00:23:59,824 like, world's most awkward Thanksgiving about a week 451 00:23:59,924 --> 00:24:01,358 before they announced their divorce? 452 00:24:01,458 --> 00:24:02,594 Oh, my God, that's right. 453 00:24:02,660 --> 00:24:03,828 - That was... that was... - Hellish. 454 00:24:03,928 --> 00:24:05,597 A particularly bad Thanksgiving. 455 00:24:05,743 --> 00:24:08,680 So anyway, my dad's thinking of moving or renovating. 456 00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:10,547 - You know what I would like? - What? 457 00:24:10,682 --> 00:24:11,749 Your eye. 458 00:24:11,849 --> 00:24:13,517 Do you want to check it out with me? 459 00:24:13,685 --> 00:24:14,819 Yeah, sure. 460 00:24:14,919 --> 00:24:16,220 Isn't that your whole, like, 461 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,122 thang, your skill set? 462 00:24:18,222 --> 00:24:22,259 Yeah, I'd say that's... yeah, that's... it's my skill set. 463 00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:24,261 Now? 464 00:24:24,361 --> 00:24:25,797 Now. 465 00:24:29,463 --> 00:24:31,633 So tell me what you want. 466 00:24:31,699 --> 00:24:34,636 Uh, I just want to change my body, you know? 467 00:24:34,669 --> 00:24:36,137 What do you want to do to it? 468 00:24:36,237 --> 00:24:38,239 You know, I just want those, like, those, like, 469 00:24:38,339 --> 00:24:39,707 nice sculpted arms, and then, 470 00:24:39,807 --> 00:24:41,709 like, a nice little waist, and then the big ass, 471 00:24:41,809 --> 00:24:43,845 like, the little waist, big ass. You know? 472 00:24:43,945 --> 00:24:47,314 Just to feel sort of rooted, you know? 473 00:24:47,414 --> 00:24:49,751 Like a tree trunk... 474 00:24:49,851 --> 00:24:53,220 Not like I'm just gonna sort of fall over. 475 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,990 Well, let's start with this. What do you eat? 476 00:24:56,090 --> 00:24:59,661 Uh, food mostly, but then sometimes I eat too much 477 00:24:59,727 --> 00:25:02,563 of the food, and then I sort of hate that. 478 00:25:02,664 --> 00:25:04,732 And then I get into this deprivation thing, 479 00:25:04,832 --> 00:25:06,167 - and that's just... - Deprivation. 480 00:25:06,267 --> 00:25:09,503 No, I like to think of it more as discipline. 481 00:25:09,671 --> 00:25:11,305 - Yeah. - Yeah. 482 00:25:11,405 --> 00:25:13,908 I could use some discipline. 483 00:25:14,008 --> 00:25:17,211 Motherfucker. This is... this is spectacular. 484 00:25:17,311 --> 00:25:18,980 - Right? - Yeah. 485 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,248 We just have to go around the back to get in. 486 00:25:21,348 --> 00:25:24,686 He leaves the slider open. 487 00:25:24,752 --> 00:25:28,890 - Since 1976. - What, 63? 488 00:25:35,462 --> 00:25:36,698 Yeah. 489 00:25:36,731 --> 00:25:39,100 My dad's bedroom. 490 00:25:43,504 --> 00:25:46,808 The bones on this baby. 491 00:25:46,908 --> 00:25:49,844 Nobody's, uh... nobody's touched it, huh? 492 00:25:49,944 --> 00:25:53,881 Clearly. 493 00:25:55,549 --> 00:25:57,051 You think it's... 494 00:25:57,151 --> 00:26:00,788 it's worth so much that we should just sell it now? 495 00:26:00,888 --> 00:26:02,790 I mean, I wouldn't... I wouldn't give this thing up 496 00:26:02,890 --> 00:26:05,526 unless... unless somebody needs the money. 497 00:26:05,626 --> 00:26:07,261 How's old Mort sitting for dough? 498 00:26:07,361 --> 00:26:11,766 Actually, he's talking about giving the house to me and Len. 499 00:26:15,737 --> 00:26:16,871 And Len wants it? 500 00:26:16,971 --> 00:26:20,742 Oh, God, he'd jump all over it. 501 00:26:21,909 --> 00:26:24,879 He's always complaining about the East Side. 502 00:26:24,979 --> 00:26:27,348 Calls it the ghetto. 503 00:26:27,448 --> 00:26:30,117 The "Guh-hett-o." 504 00:26:30,217 --> 00:26:32,820 I don't know if I'm ready to give up my Saturday mornings. 505 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:38,092 Farmers' market and the pupusa lady. 506 00:26:39,794 --> 00:26:42,429 It's the pupusa lady you're gonna miss, huh? 507 00:26:42,529 --> 00:26:44,832 Yeah. 508 00:26:44,932 --> 00:26:47,835 I... I really like her pupusas. 509 00:26:47,935 --> 00:26:50,471 What'd you say? 510 00:26:50,571 --> 00:26:54,475 - What? - I love her pupusas. 511 00:26:54,575 --> 00:26:58,212 - Okay. - What? 512 00:26:58,312 --> 00:27:00,547 You just... you know, 513 00:27:00,647 --> 00:27:02,583 when you say that you just make it... 514 00:27:02,683 --> 00:27:06,320 kind of sound... kind of dirty. 515 00:27:19,333 --> 00:27:21,335 What? 516 00:27:21,435 --> 00:27:23,704 What? 517 00:27:23,805 --> 00:27:25,272 What? 518 00:27:25,372 --> 00:27:27,641 What? 519 00:27:27,809 --> 00:27:30,177 What? 520 00:27:30,277 --> 00:27:32,479 I love you. 521 00:27:32,579 --> 00:27:34,515 You're such a loser. 522 00:27:34,615 --> 00:27:37,819 Do not say that. 523 00:27:37,852 --> 00:27:41,823 Actually, I have a song I want you guys to cover. 524 00:27:41,856 --> 00:27:44,658 That's what you're thinking about right now? 525 00:27:45,827 --> 00:27:47,428 ♪ operator ♪ 526 00:27:47,528 --> 00:27:51,632 ♪ oh, could you help me place this call? ♪ 527 00:27:53,167 --> 00:27:55,702 ♪ see the number on the matchbook ♪ 528 00:27:55,837 --> 00:27:59,406 ♪ is old and faded ♪ 529 00:28:01,742 --> 00:28:04,278 ♪ but isn't that the way ♪ 530 00:28:04,378 --> 00:28:06,747 ♪ they say it goes ♪ 531 00:28:06,848 --> 00:28:08,082 ♪ well, let's forget all that ♪ 532 00:28:09,350 --> 00:28:11,685 That's all I got. 533 00:28:11,853 --> 00:28:13,754 That's all you got. 534 00:28:13,855 --> 00:28:15,422 Yeah, that's all I got. 535 00:28:15,522 --> 00:28:17,624 ♪ so I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine ♪ 536 00:28:17,724 --> 00:28:19,861 ♪ and to show ♪ 537 00:28:19,927 --> 00:28:23,865 Are you sure that's all you got for me? 538 00:28:23,931 --> 00:28:27,168 Yeah, that's all I got. 539 00:28:27,969 --> 00:28:30,004 Move that big ass. 540 00:28:34,008 --> 00:28:36,443 ♪ that's not the way it feels ♪ 541 00:28:36,543 --> 00:28:39,080 Ten more. 542 00:28:39,180 --> 00:28:41,415 Ten, 543 00:28:41,515 --> 00:28:43,317 nine... 544 00:28:43,417 --> 00:28:47,021 ♪ operator ♪ 545 00:28:47,121 --> 00:28:48,489 ♪ well, could you help me ♪ 546 00:28:48,589 --> 00:28:51,092 ♪ place this call? ♪ 547 00:28:52,759 --> 00:28:54,728 ♪ 'cause I can't read the number ♪ 548 00:28:54,896 --> 00:28:55,897 Eight... 549 00:28:55,930 --> 00:28:57,298 ♪ that you just gave me ♪ 550 00:28:57,398 --> 00:29:00,134 Seven, six... 551 00:29:00,234 --> 00:29:04,038 ♪ there's something in my eyes ♪ 552 00:29:04,138 --> 00:29:07,508 ♪ you know it happens every time ♪ 553 00:29:07,608 --> 00:29:10,077 ♪ 554 00:29:10,177 --> 00:29:13,614 ♪ I think about the love that I thought would save me ♪ 555 00:29:17,584 --> 00:29:18,485 ♪ isn't that the way ♪ 556 00:29:18,585 --> 00:29:20,421 Five... 557 00:29:20,521 --> 00:29:22,589 ♪ they say it goes ♪ 558 00:29:22,689 --> 00:29:24,391 Four... 559 00:29:24,491 --> 00:29:25,792 ♪ well, let's forget all that ♪ 560 00:29:25,927 --> 00:29:27,929 ♪ and give me the number ♪ 561 00:29:27,995 --> 00:29:29,830 ♪ if you can find it ♪ 562 00:29:29,931 --> 00:29:31,232 ♪ so I can call ♪ 563 00:29:31,332 --> 00:29:32,666 Three... 564 00:29:32,766 --> 00:29:34,268 ♪ just to tell 'em I'm fine ♪ 565 00:29:34,368 --> 00:29:36,637 ♪ and to show ♪ 566 00:29:36,737 --> 00:29:39,273 ♪ I've overcome the blow two... ♪ 567 00:29:39,373 --> 00:29:41,075 ♪ I've learned to take it well ♪ 568 00:29:41,175 --> 00:29:43,177 ♪ I only wish my words ♪ 569 00:29:43,277 --> 00:29:45,512 ♪ could just convince myself ♪ 570 00:29:45,612 --> 00:29:47,348 ♪ that it just wasn't real ♪ 571 00:29:47,448 --> 00:29:50,151 One. 572 00:29:50,251 --> 00:29:52,586 Dad? 573 00:29:52,686 --> 00:29:54,655 Hi, girls. 574 00:30:29,691 --> 00:30:36,288 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -