1
00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:03,092
Hey, guys, Bertie's playing it cool...
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:03,336 --> 00:00:06,897
...but you guys coming over for dinner
tonight is a really big deal to her.
3
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:09,802
So be there by 6 and no bailing.
4
00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:12,068
- Bailing on dinner. Nick, I need you.
- What?
5
00:00:12,312 --> 00:00:15,406
Wingman sitch, Jewish girl,
sensible nose, high-level target.
6
00:00:15,648 --> 00:00:18,116
I can't be your wingman.
We gotta go to this dinner.
7
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,841
Don't make it seem like a chore.
8
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,521
She is making 10 or 11 soups
and all of them are cream-based.
9
00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:24,712
- Oh.
- Oh.
10
00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:27,224
- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, baby.
11
00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:31,089
I'm sorry to interrupt. I know the morning
is the most sensual time of day...
12
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:32,958
...but, um, I need you, it's your sister.
13
00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:34,962
Abby? What is it?
14
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:39,228
- She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego.
- How's everything with your sister?
15
00:00:39,472 --> 00:00:41,963
She was caught stealing.
They called the cops.
16
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,870
- Imagine me with a nice Jewish girl.
- Jess has sister?
17
00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:47,238
- Never met her.
- I need you to go to the jail.
18
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,142
- Pick her up and put her on a plane home.
- Oh. Fabulous.
19
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:54,012
I don't know what kind ofjail this is,
so be prepared for anything.
20
00:00:54,287 --> 00:00:55,948
Wear a shirt you don't "love" love.
21
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:58,749
- Okay.
JOAN: Love you. Hi, Nick.
22
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:02,393
Okay, here.
These are all the ladles that I could find.
23
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,859
Ooh, this one is deep.
24
00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:08,898
- So, what's up with your sister?
- Well, she's coming to town.
25
00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,399
- Yikes, that's...
- The best news ever? I know.
26
00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:17,701
It's so, so, so good.
27
00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:19,611
[SINGING]
Who's that girl?
28
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:22,043
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
29
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:25,512
Well, I can't wait to meet
the mysterious Abby Day.
30
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,312
Not mysterious, jet-setter.
31
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:31,524
I always imagined her
with a French-speaking, black husband...
32
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,555
...like a Jerome St-Pierre.
33
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,351
I'll meet her for a layover hang.
34
00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:38,359
- Why you ignoring me?
- Paying attention to my girlfriend.
35
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,533
There, a reaction, thank goodness.
Now I know I'm not a ghost.
36
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:45,169
- All right, I gotta go.
- Oh, you're... I gotta go.
37
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:47,839
Hey, hey, hey, Jess.
Jess, what if I came with?
38
00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:50,338
I don't think you two
would really get along.
39
00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:52,943
- Why not?
- I haven't seen her in a long time and...
40
00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:54,840
Jess, I'd like to meet your sister.
41
00:01:56,549 --> 00:01:58,813
Why don't we do this?
Why don't I go pick her up?
42
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:02,249
And then come meet us for a quick dinner
before she leaves.
43
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:03,513
- Awesome.
JESS: Yeah.
44
00:02:03,756 --> 00:02:06,520
- That's all I was looking for.
- We can't make your dinner.
45
00:02:06,759 --> 00:02:09,387
- I'm not coming with you.
- Wait, no. No, no, no, wait.
46
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,727
Hey, are you really letting Nick
meet Abby?
47
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:17,198
Hell no. I'm going to pick her up from jail,
like straight-up jail.
48
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:19,735
I told Nick he could meet her
on her layover.
49
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:23,272
But, whoops, her flight got changed,
no time, sorry.
50
00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:24,943
Bye, Nick, I'll see you later.
51
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:28,443
NICK: Out of shampoo. Gonna use soap.
Your sister won't know the difference.
52
00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,444
Okay, can't wait for you to meet her.
53
00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:32,241
He's never going to meet her.
54
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:35,713
- Hey.
- Hey. I can't go to this dinner.
55
00:02:35,955 --> 00:02:38,753
It's a double date.
Things are weird between me and Cece.
56
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,722
Because you went on a date
and she never texted you?
57
00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:43,428
Yeah.
58
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:46,226
- Be a man, Coach.
- All right.
59
00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:49,264
Be there by 6 and bring a bottle of wine.
60
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:52,403
And don't be cheap either.
Bertie is a Somalian.
61
00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:54,370
Okay.
62
00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:57,100
Oh, tidings, Abigail.
63
00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:59,402
I'm Jess' beau. My name is Nicholas.
64
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:01,273
- It's a pleasure to...
SCHMIDT: Oh, good God.
65
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:05,314
- Is that a common barber's comb?
- I just wanna make a good impression.
66
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:08,885
Well, I want Julia Child not to be dead.
But here we find ourselves.
67
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,682
- What did you come to talk about?
- As I was saying...
68
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:15,758
...I have a difficult flirting situation.
Double black diamond, trees, moguls.
69
00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:18,463
As we know, you're the best wing man
who's ever wung.
70
00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:20,029
NICK:
Thank you, Schmidt.
71
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:23,701
Almost glad I got into an accident
so we could have more days together...
72
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,631
...with you helping me through this.
73
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,841
How could a guy who's so rich
be so generous with his time?
74
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:30,133
Excuse me.
75
00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:34,210
Are you the writer of So You've Mastered
The Female Orgasm, Now What?
76
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:35,845
- Your autograph?
- Of course.
77
00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,277
It's quick. I'll have you back by dinner.
78
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:41,453
I'll do it. But as soon as Jess
says I've gotta go, I'm out.
79
00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:44,521
Thank you for your support
and tiny portion of your life.
80
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:45,883
- Sure. Ha-ha-ha.
- Okay.
81
00:03:46,092 --> 00:03:47,423
[LOCK BUZZES]
82
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:48,821
Hey, Abby.
83
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,530
Look who came to pick up
her big bad sister.
84
00:03:51,764 --> 00:03:54,460
You good to go or you gotta sign yearbooks
or something?
85
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,434
Bridget stole your gum.
86
00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,070
What? You took my Fruity Fruit?
87
00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:02,808
I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch.
88
00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:04,202
- Oh, my God.
- Gum?
89
00:04:06,512 --> 00:04:09,970
- I want my Fruity Fruit.
- I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch.
90
00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:15,048
- What about the new guy? Wanna meet him.
- Don't have time.
91
00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:17,813
Have to take you to the airport.
Mom bought a ticket.
92
00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:20,355
I know all of her credit card information.
93
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:21,821
- No.
- I can just change it.
94
00:04:22,061 --> 00:04:24,052
- Wait, what are you doing? Wait, no.
- Sweet.
95
00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:27,960
Why don't you, for once in your life,
do something you're not supposed to do?
96
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:30,328
Didn't put the cap back on the Honey Bear.
97
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:33,403
- Drive. Drive. Drive.
- Oh, my God. No, no, no.
98
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,267
- I wanna drive safely.
- Try it!
99
00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:38,009
I have a perfect record.
Get your hands away from me.
100
00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:40,872
Why don't you want me to meet him?
101
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,877
- Are you embarrassed of me?
- I do. No.
102
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:46,085
- Great, I just got on the later flight.
- Great.
103
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,549
- I'm so excited.
- I know.
104
00:04:49,522 --> 00:04:50,921
Did you start driving slow?
105
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:53,682
I actually think I'm speeding.
I hope there's no coppers around.
106
00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:54,882
[POLICE SIREN WHOOPS]
107
00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:56,789
Drive faster.
108
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,624
Sorry, sir. Thank you for your service.
109
00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:04,465
You're over my head
I'm out of my time
110
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:06,502
Thinking I was...
111
00:05:06,706 --> 00:05:08,765
NICK: What is this place?
SCHMIDT: It's a bar mitzvah.
112
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:11,409
I'm not watching a kid get circumcised.
113
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,703
Target is Rachael,
a Hebrew school teacher.
114
00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:16,881
Crashing some kid's bar mitzvah
is the best way to get her?
115
00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:19,482
Get her on the dance floor.
A little bit softer now.
116
00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:22,450
A little bit louder now.
Sweep her off her feet.
117
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:24,281
Get married, have a son named Elon.
118
00:05:24,557 --> 00:05:28,516
At his bar mitzvah, I tell how I met his mom.
Not a dry eye in the house.
119
00:05:28,761 --> 00:05:30,752
Jewish continuity, etcetera, etcetera.
120
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,795
- You realize how long you were talking?
- There she is.
121
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,697
- Whoo! A beautiful piece of hamantaschen.
- What is hamantaschen?
122
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:40,395
Problem is her dad is my rabbi.
He hates me.
123
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,904
I need to charm Rachael
before he gets to her...
124
00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:45,610
...and tells her horrible-slash-true things
about me.
125
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,905
NICK: Absolutely.
- Oh, hello, what a day.
126
00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:50,172
Oh, a special day.
127
00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:51,849
- Take my hand.
- Take your hand?
128
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:54,552
A special day.
129
00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:56,948
You just wanted my hand
so you could say that?
130
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,283
- I did.
- Don't think we've had the pleasure...
131
00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:00,958
...of meeting.
132
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,630
- May I take your hand too?
- You can take anything you want, Shirley.
133
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:11,565
So, you know, just the... Just the two of us
with Bertie and Winston tonight?
134
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:14,830
Yeah, just, uh... Just you and me.
135
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:19,772
Oh, and Bertie and Winston,
just eating night lunch.
136
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:22,606
Yeah, like a date but not a date because...
137
00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:24,180
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
138
00:06:25,618 --> 00:06:30,214
- So, uh, what is that? Is that a onesie?
- Yeah.
139
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:32,185
How do you take it off
to use the bathroom?
140
00:06:32,658 --> 00:06:33,852
Hmm.
141
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,159
Oh, nice place.
142
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,298
- Oh, my God.
- Hey.
143
00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:44,663
- You look, you know, amazing.
- You look amazing. Look at you.
144
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,805
Oh, my God, I'm so happy
you're not just paper thin anymore.
145
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,702
Oh, my God, you're just the best.
146
00:06:50,943 --> 00:06:52,171
Hello, hot cocoa.
147
00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:55,306
- Wow, what's going on here?
- Nothing.
148
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:57,607
I'm getting a real vibe.
149
00:06:57,817 --> 00:06:58,841
No.
150
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,451
You wanna have sex with her.
151
00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:04,384
You are not so sure.
152
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,251
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
153
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,120
She doesn't wanna put out.
I will.
154
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,852
[SINGING]
Abby Day
155
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,257
Abby Day
156
00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:15,729
She always says
The most inappropriate stuff
157
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:19,836
If you a cappella sing at me one more time,
I'll rip that stupid dress off you...
158
00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:22,540
...and shove it down your mouth.
JESS: I'm scared of you.
159
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,072
[SINGING]
Let's go in my room
160
00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:27,473
Don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me.
161
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,272
- She hasn't called.
- Put that away.
162
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:32,575
- We're 30 seconds to curtain.
- Don't wanna miss call from Jess.
163
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,948
- I need you focused. You ready?
- Yes, I distract the rabbi...
164
00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:39,248
...while you hit on his daughter.
- And action, go.
165
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,950
- Ugh.
- What a spread, huh?
166
00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:43,150
Terrible.
167
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,660
- Agree.
- Thank God I have pizza in my car.
168
00:07:45,898 --> 00:07:48,059
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that's very funny.
169
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,565
- That wasn't ajoke.
- Who has pizza in their car?
170
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,931
Listen, when I make ajoke, you'll know it.
I'm ajoke machine.
171
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:59,271
- I mean, what are the chances? I love jokes.
- Oh. Good, okay.
172
00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:01,377
Did you hear the one about the waiter?
173
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:06,950
Walks up to a table full of Jewish women
and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?"
174
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:10,281
[BOTH LAUGHING]
175
00:08:11,891 --> 00:08:14,587
- Hi.
- Rachael?
176
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,488
Baruch atah Ado-nice dress.
177
00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:18,923
Oh, thank you.
178
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,099
Shabbat Sha-hello.
179
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,394
Ha, ha, yeah. That wasn't as good as mine,
but it was cute.
180
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:26,628
- Yeah, thanks.
- How's Hebrew school?
181
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:30,775
It's fine. It's the only place that
would hire me after I got out of rehab.
182
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:34,776
- Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it.
- Because they're rich people.
183
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:37,505
Yeah... Well, these Jews happen to be rich,
but they worked hard.
184
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:38,706
[PHONE RINGS]
185
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:40,852
- Hold on.
- Call in the middle of a punch line?
186
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,712
- Hey.
- Your generation is the worst.
187
00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:47,085
- What's going on?
- Abby's flight is crazy delayed.
188
00:08:47,326 --> 00:08:50,227
- So no time for dinner.
- I can come right now, Jess.
189
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:53,921
No, um, she has a conference call
with Hong Kong...
190
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:59,661
...about very important fashion business,
Venture Magazine conference.
191
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:03,171
Well, maybe I'll see her next time.
192
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:07,337
Oh, no, no, no.
193
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:11,539
You will not speak to my daughter.
Rachael, this man is a nut ball.
194
00:09:11,817 --> 00:09:14,843
A nut ball? How dare you?
I'm a goofball.
195
00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:20,047
Sammy Davis Jr. Was a goofball.
You, sir, are no Sammy Davis Jr.
196
00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:21,953
- I'm a goofball.
- You're a bad... No!
197
00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:23,889
- I'm a goofball.
- Daddy, I love sex.
198
00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:26,825
And he wants to have sex with me.
Let him.
199
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,795
I love sex.
200
00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:30,798
Text me, text me. Text.
201
00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:34,665
What was that, man?
202
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:37,375
Jess is embarrassed of me.
Can you believe that?
203
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,703
- What a shanda.
- What's a shanda?
204
00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:41,538
A shanda.
205
00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:42,974
What a shanda.
206
00:09:43,215 --> 00:09:46,776
All you care about is Jess. Remember
when we used to be best friends?
207
00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:49,579
That was neat.
What a neat time in my life that was.
208
00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:54,223
Hey, Schmidt,
my girlfriend's embarrassed of me.
209
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:57,088
Can we go on that for a little bit?
210
00:09:57,363 --> 00:10:01,356
Or does the wingman
never get to, you know, flap his wings?
211
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:06,064
The bird never gets to be the main bird
like this?
212
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,095
JESS:
Ugh.
213
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:11,868
So I just talked to Nick
and this is a real shame in the pants...
214
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,102
...but he's not coming home tonight.
215
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,712
- What? Why?
- He had to hang out with work friends.
216
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:21,181
- He can't come and see me?
- I guess it's just us till the airport.
217
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,617
You see what you're doing, right?
218
00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:27,986
Oh, my God, I'm Mom.
219
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,889
[LAUGHING]
220
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:32,621
No, I'm turning into Mom.
How did this happen?
221
00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:34,525
- "Just a little bit."
- "A tipple."
222
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:38,225
- "I don't wanna get stoned."
- She calls getting drunk getting stoned.
223
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,734
Oh, my God, wait, big news.
224
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:44,374
Mom got one of those
very, very small denim backpacks.
225
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:46,407
She did, and she calls it her blue guy.
226
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,615
She's, like,
"Oh, I gotta grab my blue guy."
227
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:52,476
You're making fun of Mom.
You're her perfect little baby.
228
00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:56,244
I'm... Hey, I'm not really a baby.
229
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,956
You're super grown-up.
230
00:10:58,190 --> 00:10:59,851
Thank you.
231
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,625
Oh, my. Ha-ha-ha.
232
00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:06,229
I have a picture of Mom
wearing the backpack...
233
00:11:06,465 --> 00:11:09,298
...at her sign language class graduation.
You have to see it.
234
00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:12,003
- No.
- It's amazing.
235
00:11:12,271 --> 00:11:13,704
I have it in a photo album.
236
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:15,874
[PHONE VIBRATES]
237
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:28,947
Ooh, bonus shot of Dad,
getting a haircut while eating spaghetti.
238
00:11:29,155 --> 00:11:30,315
[CHUCKLES]
239
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:33,082
Abby?
240
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:40,389
Hey, Outsie-D.
241
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:43,295
Have you seen a girl like me
but with chaos in her eyes?
242
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:46,300
Sorry, I'm doing my taxes.
243
00:11:46,505 --> 00:11:47,631
Ooh!
244
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,808
I'm taking in more than I'm spending.
245
00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:51,169
[PHONE RINGS]
246
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:54,142
- Hey.
- Hey. How's it going with Abby?
247
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:57,213
- We were having fun for once, and then...
JOAN: What happened?
248
00:11:57,483 --> 00:12:00,213
Tell me what happened.
I'll take care of it for you, baby.
249
00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:05,919
Baby?
250
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:09,924
I got this. I got this myself. Thanks.
251
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:13,996
Quick question. Is pee-pee a write-off?
252
00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:18,492
Hey.
253
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,866
I'm not sure my body's built
for these chairs.
254
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:25,572
- It's a regular chair, man.
- Yeah.
255
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:29,314
- Hey, bud.
- How you doing?
256
00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:31,845
Well, I wanna apologize.
257
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:33,517
Sorry I got distracted.
258
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,448
It's okay.
259
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:36,985
Sorry your girlfriend hates you.
260
00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:39,589
Ah, she doesn't hate me.
She's just ashamed of me.
261
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:45,520
Well, if she's really ashamed of you,
then she's the stupidest bitch in the world.
262
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,392
Easy, okay, slow down.
263
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,396
- I apologize.
- Water under the bridge.
264
00:12:49,635 --> 00:12:52,502
- I've never been ashamed of you.
- Wish I could've helped you.
265
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:55,502
- I feel like I blew it.
- She was kind of nutty.
266
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:57,838
What happened to us, man?
267
00:12:58,077 --> 00:13:00,272
- We used to be the best in biz.
- We still are.
268
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,239
I'm the best wingman that's ever wung.
269
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,483
- Make a plan?
- Absolutely.
270
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,486
You're my brother.
271
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,222
Thank you. Charge that to room 304.
272
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,557
You. Charge that to nothing.
She's checking out.
273
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,495
Adding this hotel to your rap sheets?
274
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:23,793
- You found me.
- Oh, yeah.
275
00:13:24,069 --> 00:13:26,503
- Don't you wanna know why I left?
- You saw my texts.
276
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,730
And I'm honestly sorry...
277
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:32,068
...but you do ruin everything.
278
00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:36,374
- Wow. Thought I was gonna turn the tables.
- I'm taking you to the airport.
279
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:38,549
- Thought we could share calamari.
- Now.
280
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:39,773
- Beef sliders?
- Now!
281
00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:41,815
- Lobster quesadilla?
- Right now.
282
00:13:52,932 --> 00:13:54,422
[WHISPERS]
This is crazy, huh?
283
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,264
Hmm.
284
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:01,032
You know,
Bertie had a dream she killed me.
285
00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:04,166
So, uh, Coach, what's new?
286
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:05,535
Nothing.
287
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:06,836
Isn't that right, Cece?
288
00:14:07,813 --> 00:14:09,110
Hmm?
289
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:12,341
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Oh, you'll figure it out.
290
00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:15,586
If not, just text me. Or don't.
You're good at that.
291
00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:16,810
Oh, my God.
292
00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:20,616
Okay, we made out once,
pointlessly, for two hours.
293
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,090
That's it. Get over it. Let it go.
294
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:24,853
Pointless, was it?
295
00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:26,563
- Yeah.
- I mean, who does that?
296
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,962
Super-hot makeout,
and then you ice me out for two months.
297
00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:32,136
What are you talking about?
Ice out what?
298
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:35,101
You text me, "Happy Monday."
What do I do with that?
299
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:37,605
Oh, I don't know, maybe,
"Have a happy Monday."
300
00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:41,605
Going out with you was the hottest
and dumbest mistake I ever made.
301
00:14:41,847 --> 00:14:45,613
You're the hottest, dumbest,
sexiest mistake I ever made.
302
00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:48,877
Was dumb of me to pick you up
and press you up against that wall.
303
00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:52,487
So dumb how cool those bricks
made my skin feel.
304
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,716
You guys should try
the fisherman's bisque.
305
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:57,929
It has just the right amount of tang.
Is that tang?
306
00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:00,462
- Hmm.
- That's tang.
307
00:15:00,699 --> 00:15:03,190
- Okay.
- All right?
308
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:06,496
- Sorry, I was trying to...
- Okay, pivot around the side.
309
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:07,865
- Pivot? Okay.
- Yeah.
310
00:15:08,140 --> 00:15:11,701
No, look, I think the way it was,
was more I was up, right?
311
00:15:11,944 --> 00:15:14,037
- Yeah, yeah, you were up.
- That's how we were.
312
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,713
All right, up.
313
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:17,313
- Up. Now what do we do?
- Okay.
314
00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:20,245
- Lower your center of gravity. Gonna work.
- Okay.
315
00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:23,545
- Lower it down. Gonna clench my thighs.
- Okay. Okay.
316
00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:26,053
- I'm gonna fall.
- I'm clenching as hard as I can.
317
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:27,759
- I'm gonna... Okay.
- What?
318
00:15:28,027 --> 00:15:31,053
- Jeez. Jeez.
- Oh!
319
00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:34,859
- That was aawul.
- That was the worst.
320
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,830
- Oh, my gosh. Wow, what is happening?
- Oh, Lord.
321
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:41,062
Maybe you were right not to text me.
That was embarrassing.
322
00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:45,073
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's cool.
323
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,871
Can we just be friends now, you know?
324
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:50,638
Yeah. I mean, why not?
325
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:55,251
- Friends?
- Friends.
326
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:56,852
Friends.
327
00:15:58,223 --> 00:15:59,451
Come here, you.
328
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:01,517
- Literally?
- Sorry.
329
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:05,196
- You just bit my tooth.
- When I get excited, my teeth come out.
330
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:06,523
Who does that?
331
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:08,289
- Sorry.
- I think I broke my tooth.
332
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:10,831
Let me see. Oh...
333
00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:19,366
JESS:
Okay, go straight to the gate.
334
00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:22,273
Look, I get why you're mad at me.
335
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:25,815
Okay, but if it's any consolation,
I'm a woman in her 30s...
336
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:28,952
...about to get on a plane
to go live with my mother.
337
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:32,618
It's only a matter of time
before I have a tiny backpack too.
338
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,124
I said I would never go back to Portland.
339
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,392
So I guess I'm a complete failure.
340
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,595
I'm the baby.
341
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:53,609
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
342
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:58,911
Is this the craziest thing that's going on
in the airport? Really?
343
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:02,085
Okay, recap. You hit the dance floor and...
344
00:17:02,321 --> 00:17:05,222
- Do what I do best, be an embarrassment.
- It's a gift, Nick.
345
00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:08,290
- I need you to ruin this bar mitzvah.
- Do some dancing?
346
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:09,960
- It's gotta be bigger.
- Bigger?
347
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,459
Then I come out there
and I... knock you out.
348
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:14,529
That's right. It'll be a stage punch.
349
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,598
- I've done productions of West Side Story.
- West Side Story.
350
00:17:17,836 --> 00:17:19,929
Was a Puerto Rican Shark.
351
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:21,298
- High school.
- Awesome.
352
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,337
You never came. It's odd.
353
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:24,599
- Whatever.
- Was busy.
354
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:27,368
The rabbi will then come out,
thank me, the hero.
355
00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:30,137
He'll offer me his daughter
and five years from now...
356
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:34,148
...Rachael is pregnant and we're having
a beautiful family New Year's...
357
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,479
...in our vacation condo
in the Florida Keys.
358
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,690
You're doing it again,
talking in speeches.
359
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:41,449
You've been monologuing lately, Schmidt.
360
00:17:41,693 --> 00:17:43,820
- Do you hear yourself?
- I'm unaware of it.
361
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,896
I'm not gonna get mad,
because I respect you, but it's weird.
362
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,464
- I apologize. I'll stop doing it.
- Okay.
363
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:51,032
- Hey.
- Yeah?
364
00:17:51,303 --> 00:17:54,033
Light this cannon up so I can shoot off.
365
00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:58,133
Oh!
366
00:17:58,343 --> 00:18:00,971
Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass.
367
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:03,408
How you doing? My name is Nick.
368
00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:05,274
Do you know martial arts?
369
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:06,882
Swear to God you don't?
370
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:11,078
You run around with this hunk anymore,
this little surfer cat.
371
00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:12,516
I know your game.
372
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:16,353
Charming the ladies
with your baby blue eyes. I wish I had them.
373
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:19,795
You're breaking my heart.
374
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:23,601
- What?
- And all I do is love you. I give and I give.
375
00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:26,838
I've been working for 40 years
at the steel mill for you.
376
00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:30,539
- We just met.
- I wanna rip that blouse off you.
377
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,038
Put it on me.
378
00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:33,541
Oh, wow.
379
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:35,872
I wanna wear your lipstick.
380
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,605
Well, that's interesting.
381
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:41,910
I wanna rip those earrings off,
and put them on and I wanna be the girl.
382
00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:44,088
That would be wonderful.
383
00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:47,257
But I won't do it
around all these crazy Jews.
384
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:51,085
And I don't care who's watching,
I want what I want.
385
00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:53,560
[CROWD GASPING]
386
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,529
- Unhand her, sir.
- What is...? Hey, man.
387
00:19:04,376 --> 00:19:06,844
- You okay?
- Nice shot, Dr. Nussbaum.
388
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:09,707
Would you like to date my daughter?
She's available.
389
00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:11,745
Tell the whole room that I'm available.
390
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:15,750
I'm not telling the whole room.
I'm telling Dr. Nussbaum, a doctor.
391
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,046
Oh, I got that.
392
00:19:21,593 --> 00:19:22,855
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
393
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,494
I like your glasses.
394
00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:26,856
- What happened?
- Got beat up at a bar mitzvah.
395
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,566
I know that's embarrassing.
396
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,759
I know you're too embarrassed of me
to introduce me to your sister, I get that.
397
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,802
Nick, that's not at all what...
398
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:39,101
There is something I just cannot shake.
I've been tossing and turning all night long.
399
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:41,608
We've been apart for 15 seconds.
Get out of here.
400
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,144
I'm your wingman now, Nick.
401
00:19:43,415 --> 00:19:46,873
- It takes two wings for a bird to dance.
- Don't do this.
402
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,178
Jessica Day, you are dating a champion.
403
00:19:49,454 --> 00:19:50,580
- I agree.
- I don't know...
404
00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:53,313
...why you would be embarrassed of him.
- Excuse me?
405
00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:55,493
- I told him...
- I don't understand this.
406
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,423
- I am not embarrassed of Nick, not at all.
- For real?
407
00:19:58,664 --> 00:19:59,995
- No.
- Well, that's great news.
408
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:03,827
I'm glad that's out of the way. Fantastic.
I'll see you guys for brunch.
409
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:06,401
Why would you think that?
410
00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:09,835
- She's embarrassed of me. Hello.
- Hey.
411
00:20:10,075 --> 00:20:11,702
- I'm Abby.
- Abby.
412
00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:15,538
Hi. Mom was right,
he does have an uptown butt.
413
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,611
- What?
- I'd like that butt in ski pants.
414
00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:19,544
- What does that mean?
- Nothing.
415
00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:21,786
- Everything.
- Come on, Abby.
416
00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:23,988
Come on. I'm putting my stuff
in your room.
417
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:27,317
So that means you guys
are gonna stay in your room.
418
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,618
- Thank me later.
- All right.
419
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:34,623
Well, she is just a delight.
420
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,927
So I might have told a few lies
about my sister.
421
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,972
She's a train-wreck, she was in jail.
422
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:46,041
Why lie? You know how many Millers
have been or are currently in jail?
423
00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:49,805
- I get it, it's just she's such a...
ABBY: I can hear you.
424
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:54,181
- Complicated person.
NICK: Right.
425
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,819
Anyway, she needs me.
426
00:20:57,055 --> 00:20:59,148
- Right.
- Can she stay with us?
427
00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:00,858
Of course. How long?
428
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:02,458
- A few weeks.
- Few weeks?
429
00:21:02,694 --> 00:21:04,321
Month tops.
430
00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:06,895
- Six months, super tops.
- Six months?
431
00:21:07,132 --> 00:21:09,760
Just till I get on my feet.
What's your address?
432
00:21:10,035 --> 00:21:12,196
In case I wanna get any "deliveries."
433
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:15,372
I'm not telling you. I'm not telling you.
434
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:17,472
"Deliveries?" No.
435
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:19,870
Deliveries are fine. "Deliveries," no.
436
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:23,081
- It depends what you want "delivered."
- I'll figure it out.
437
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:28,244
Well...
438
00:21:31,556 --> 00:21:33,580
I love you.
Ripped By mstoll