1
00:00:17,819 --> 00:00:18,786
Hey, guys.
2
00:00:18,805 --> 00:00:21,499
Bertie's playing it cool, but you
guys coming over for dinner tonight
3
00:00:21,526 --> 00:00:24,467
is a really big
deal to her, so...
4
00:00:24,485 --> 00:00:26,341
Be there by 6,
and no bailing.
5
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:29,179
Ooh, bailing on dinner.
Nick, I need you.
6
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:31,510
Wingman sitch.
Jewish girl, sensible nose.
7
00:00:31,516 --> 00:00:33,604
- High-level target.
- I can't be your wingman.
8
00:00:33,630 --> 00:00:36,711
- We got to go this Bertie dinner.
- Don't make it seem like a chore, okay?
9
00:00:36,731 --> 00:00:40,293
She is making ten or eleven soups.
And all of them are cream-based.
10
00:00:40,315 --> 00:00:41,669
- Cool.
- (Coach grunts)
11
00:00:42,591 --> 00:00:44,955
- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt.
12
00:00:44,974 --> 00:00:48,060
I know the morning is the
most sensual time of day.
13
00:00:48,087 --> 00:00:49,640
But, um, I need you.
It's your sister.
14
00:00:49,668 --> 00:00:51,788
Abby? What is it?
15
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,623
She was arrested at a
hotel in San Diego.
16
00:00:54,629 --> 00:00:56,063
How's everything
with your sister?
17
00:00:56,083 --> 00:00:58,609
I mean, she was caught stealing,
they called the cops, it's a mess.
18
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,828
Imagine me next door with
a, with a nice Jewish girl.
19
00:01:00,841 --> 00:01:02,541
- Hey, Jess has a sister?
- Yeah, I've never met her.
20
00:01:02,558 --> 00:01:05,805
I need you to go to the jail, pick
her up and put her on a plane home.
21
00:01:05,819 --> 00:01:07,952
- Oh, that's fabulous.
- And by the way, um...
22
00:01:07,972 --> 00:01:11,045
I don't know what kind of jail this is.
So be prepared for anything.
23
00:01:11,062 --> 00:01:12,722
I mean, wear a shirt
you don't love-love.
24
00:01:12,732 --> 00:01:14,332
- Okay.
- Love you.
25
00:01:14,352 --> 00:01:15,739
Hi Nick...
(door slams closed)
26
00:01:15,762 --> 00:01:19,226
Okay, here, these are all the
ladles that I could find.
27
00:01:19,255 --> 00:01:21,848
Ooh, this one is deep.
28
00:01:21,871 --> 00:01:23,484
So, what's up
with your sister?
29
00:01:23,492 --> 00:01:25,586
Well, she's
coming to town.
30
00:01:25,612 --> 00:01:28,299
- Great! - Ooh, yikes, that's...
- The best news ever? I know!
31
00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:32,746
It's so, so, so,
so, so, so,
32
00:01:32,772 --> 00:01:34,079
so good.
33
00:01:34,906 --> 00:01:36,286
♪ Who's that girl?
34
00:01:36,312 --> 00:01:38,074
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.
35
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,298
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
36
00:01:39,404 --> 00:01:42,303
Well, I can't wait to meet
the mysterious Abby Day.
37
00:01:42,316 --> 00:01:43,623
Not mysterious.
38
00:01:44,493 --> 00:01:48,369
- Jet setter. - You know, I always imagined
her with a French-speaking black husband,
39
00:01:48,389 --> 00:01:50,259
like a Jerome St. Pierre.
40
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:51,756
So, I'll probably meet
her at the airport
41
00:01:51,781 --> 00:01:53,661
- for a little layover hang.
- Why are you ignoring me, Nick?
42
00:01:53,675 --> 00:01:56,562
- 'Cause I'm paying attention to my
girlfriend. - Nick! There, a reaction!
43
00:01:56,587 --> 00:01:58,600
Thank goodness!
Now I know I'm not a ghost.
44
00:01:58,613 --> 00:02:00,246
- All right, I got to go.
- Oh, you're going...?
45
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:02,080
I'll, uh, I-I got to go.
46
00:02:02,104 --> 00:02:04,463
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jess, Jess!
What if I came with?
47
00:02:04,477 --> 00:02:05,810
Yeah, you know,
I don't think
48
00:02:05,836 --> 00:02:07,763
- you two would really get along.
- Why not?
49
00:02:07,776 --> 00:02:09,732
Look, I just haven't seen her
in a really long time, and...
50
00:02:09,753 --> 00:02:11,423
Jess, I'd like to
meet your sister.
51
00:02:13,292 --> 00:02:15,588
Why don't we do this? Um...
Why don't I go pick her up?
52
00:02:15,608 --> 00:02:19,146
And then come meet us for a
quick dinner before she leaves?
53
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,534
- That would be awesome. That's all
I was looking for. - Yeah. Okay.
54
00:02:21,547 --> 00:02:24,190
- Winston, we can't make your dinner!
- Bye, Winston. I'm not gonna be with you.
55
00:02:24,215 --> 00:02:25,683
Wait!
No, no, no, no! Wait...
56
00:02:27,305 --> 00:02:29,532
Hey, hey. Are you really
letting Nick meet Abby?
57
00:02:29,558 --> 00:02:32,512
Hell no. I'm going to
pick her up from jail.
58
00:02:32,531 --> 00:02:34,290
Like, straight-up jail.
59
00:02:34,317 --> 00:02:36,757
I told Nick he could meet
her on her "layover"
60
00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:40,141
but, whoops, her flight
got changed. No time. Sorry.
61
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,480
- Bye, Nick! I'll see you later!
- I'm out of shampoo!
62
00:02:42,493 --> 00:02:45,003
Gonna use bar soap! But your sister
won't know the difference!
63
00:02:45,022 --> 00:02:47,210
Okay! Can't wait for
you to meet her!
64
00:02:47,229 --> 00:02:49,052
(whispers):
He's never going to meet her.
65
00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:53,712
Hey, dude. I can't go to this dinner.
It's a double date now.
66
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,414
Things are already weird
enough between me and Cece.
67
00:02:55,434 --> 00:02:58,574
Because you went on a date two
months ago and she never texted you?
68
00:02:58,593 --> 00:02:59,385
Yeah.
69
00:03:01,274 --> 00:03:03,034
- Be a man, Coach!
- All right.
70
00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:06,064
Be there by 6:00 and
bring a bottle of wine.
71
00:03:06,306 --> 00:03:09,049
And don't be cheap, either.
Bertie is a Somalian.
72
00:03:09,817 --> 00:03:10,896
Okay.
73
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,014
Oh, tidings, Abigail.
74
00:03:14,037 --> 00:03:16,445
I'm Jess's beau.
My name is Nicholas.
75
00:03:16,477 --> 00:03:18,364
- It's a pleasure to...
- Oh, good God.
76
00:03:18,381 --> 00:03:20,108
- Is that a common barber's comb?
- Look, Schmidt,
77
00:03:20,128 --> 00:03:22,136
I just want to make a good
impression on Jess's sister.
78
00:03:22,153 --> 00:03:23,980
Yeah, well, I want Julia
Child not to be dead,
79
00:03:23,993 --> 00:03:25,506
but here we
find ourselves.
80
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,322
What did you come here
to talk to me about?
81
00:03:27,342 --> 00:03:30,551
As I was saying earlier, I have a very
difficult flirting situation here.
82
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:32,731
I mean, it's a double black
diamond: Trees, moguls.
83
00:03:32,744 --> 00:03:35,158
And, as we both know, you're the
best wingman who's ever wung.
84
00:03:35,627 --> 00:03:36,727
Nick: Thank you, Schmidt!
85
00:03:36,747 --> 00:03:38,487
I'm almost glad I
got in the accident
86
00:03:38,501 --> 00:03:40,262
so we can have more days
like this together,
87
00:03:40,282 --> 00:03:42,005
with you helping
me through this.
88
00:03:42,031 --> 00:03:45,062
How could a guy so rich be
so generous with his time?
89
00:03:45,094 --> 00:03:45,821
Whoa...
90
00:03:45,833 --> 00:03:48,026
Excuse me. Are you
the writer of
91
00:03:48,045 --> 00:03:50,968
So You've Mastered the
Female Orgasm, Now What?
92
00:03:50,994 --> 00:03:52,774
- Incredible. Can I have
your autograph? - Of course.
93
00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:53,885
Come on, man. It's
a quick party.
94
00:03:53,898 --> 00:03:55,810
- I'll have you back by your
little dinner. - Okay, I'll do it,
95
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:58,021
but as soon as Jess says
I've got to go, I'm out.
96
00:03:58,034 --> 00:04:01,374
Thank you very much. For your mitigated
support and tiny portion of your life.
97
00:04:01,390 --> 00:04:02,760
- Sure.
- (chuckles) Okay.
98
00:04:04,594 --> 00:04:05,461
Hey, Abby.
99
00:04:05,481 --> 00:04:08,268
Oh, look who came to pick
up her big, bad sister.
100
00:04:08,294 --> 00:04:11,207
So, you good to go? Or you gotta
sign yearbooks or something?
101
00:04:11,236 --> 00:04:12,574
(lock buzzes, door rattles)
102
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,435
Bridget stole your gum.
103
00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:17,147
What? You took
my Fruity Fruit?
104
00:04:17,154 --> 00:04:19,553
I ain't got your
Fruity Fruit, bitch!
105
00:04:19,710 --> 00:04:21,097
- Oh, my God. Oh...
- Gum?
106
00:04:21,257 --> 00:04:22,777
(grunting)
107
00:04:22,817 --> 00:04:24,423
I want my Fruity Fruit!
108
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,858
I ain't got your
Fruity Fruit, bitch!
109
00:04:28,881 --> 00:04:30,881
What about the new guy?
I want to meet him.
110
00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,860
We don't really have time to meet
him 'cause I have to take you
111
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,280
to the airport 'cause Mom's
already bought you a ticket.
112
00:04:35,299 --> 00:04:37,200
I know all of her credit
card information,
113
00:04:37,213 --> 00:04:38,995
- No.
- and I can just change it.
114
00:04:39,021 --> 00:04:40,654
- Wait, what are you
doing? Wait, no. - Sweet.
115
00:04:40,664 --> 00:04:43,544
Why don't you just for once
in your life do something
116
00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:44,591
that you're not
supposed to do?
117
00:04:44,607 --> 00:04:47,060
I didn't put the cap back on
the honey bear the other day.
118
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,688
- Drive. Drive. Drive.
- Oh, my God. No! No!
119
00:04:49,708 --> 00:04:52,061
- No! No! I will not drive unsafely!
- Try-try it!
120
00:04:52,081 --> 00:04:54,725
I have a perfect record. Get
your hands away from me.
121
00:04:56,077 --> 00:04:57,490
- Why don't you want me
to meet him? - About.
122
00:04:57,517 --> 00:04:59,610
- Are you embarrassed of me?
- I do. No.
123
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,320
- Great. 'Cause I just got on
a later flight. - That's great.
124
00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:03,231
(chuckles)
125
00:05:03,264 --> 00:05:05,402
- So excited.
- I know.
126
00:05:06,254 --> 00:05:07,881
Did you just start
driving really slow?
127
00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:10,540
No, I actually think I'm speeding.
I hope there's no coppers around.
128
00:05:10,566 --> 00:05:11,779
(siren whoops)
129
00:05:11,804 --> 00:05:13,630
Drive faster.
130
00:05:13,644 --> 00:05:16,451
Sorry, sir! Thank you
for your service!
131
00:05:18,811 --> 00:05:21,284
♪ You're over my head,
I'm outta my mind ♪
132
00:05:21,304 --> 00:05:23,210
♪ Thinking I was born
in the wrong time... ♪
133
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,587
- What is this place?
- It's a bar mitzvah.
134
00:05:25,599 --> 00:05:27,967
Nick: I am not watching
a kid get circumcised.
135
00:05:27,993 --> 00:05:30,488
The target is Rachael. She's
a Hebrew school teacher.
136
00:05:30,494 --> 00:05:33,618
Crashing some random kid's bar
mitzvah's the best way to get her?
137
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:36,324
Get her on the dance floor,
a little bit softer now,
138
00:05:36,350 --> 00:05:39,406
a little bit louder now,
sweep her off her feet,
139
00:05:39,419 --> 00:05:41,106
we'll get married, we'll
have a son named Elon.
140
00:05:41,129 --> 00:05:43,022
At his bar mitzvah, I tell the
story of how I met his mom
141
00:05:43,032 --> 00:05:45,487
at this bar mitzvah. Not
a dry eye in the house.
142
00:05:45,521 --> 00:05:47,521
Jewish continuity,
et cetera, et cetera.
143
00:05:47,542 --> 00:05:49,875
Do you realize how long
you were just talking?
144
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,556
There she is. Whew!
145
00:05:51,586 --> 00:05:54,213
- A beautiful piece of hamentaschen.
- What the hell is hamentaschen?
146
00:05:54,232 --> 00:05:56,545
Problem is her
dad is my rabbi.
147
00:05:56,729 --> 00:05:59,229
He hates me. So I just
need to charm Rachael
148
00:05:59,253 --> 00:06:01,911
before he gets to her and tells her
horrible-slash-true things about me.
149
00:06:01,936 --> 00:06:03,756
- Absolutely.
- Oh! Hello!
150
00:06:03,789 --> 00:06:05,083
- What a day.
- Oh...
151
00:06:05,102 --> 00:06:08,304
a special day.
Oh, take my hand.
152
00:06:08,325 --> 00:06:11,152
- Take your hand.
- A special day.
153
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,545
You just wanted to take my hand so
you could say that again, didn't you?
154
00:06:13,565 --> 00:06:14,811
Mmm, I did.
155
00:06:14,844 --> 00:06:17,100
I don't think we've had
the pleasure of meeting.
156
00:06:17,949 --> 00:06:19,756
May I take your hand, too?
157
00:06:19,766 --> 00:06:21,702
You can take anything
you want, Shirley.
158
00:06:23,619 --> 00:06:25,258
So, yeah, just the...
159
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:28,444
just the two of us with
Bertie and Winston tonight?
160
00:06:28,469 --> 00:06:31,865
Yeah, just, uh...
just-just you and me.
161
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,412
Uh, and Bertie.
And Winston.
162
00:06:34,433 --> 00:06:37,392
- Just... eating night lunch.
- Yeah, like a...
163
00:06:37,405 --> 00:06:39,663
you know, like a date.
But not a date 'cause...
164
00:06:39,686 --> 00:06:41,041
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
165
00:06:42,382 --> 00:06:43,611
So, uh...
166
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:45,941
What is that? Is
that a onesie?
167
00:06:45,966 --> 00:06:47,266
- (chuckles)
- Yeah.
168
00:06:47,293 --> 00:06:49,313
How do you... how do you take
it off to use the bathroom?
169
00:06:49,335 --> 00:06:50,515
Mmm...
170
00:06:53,199 --> 00:06:54,992
Whoa. Nice place.
171
00:06:55,012 --> 00:06:56,952
- Oh, my God!
- Hey!
172
00:06:56,978 --> 00:07:01,202
- You look, you know, amazing.
- You look amazing. Look at you.
173
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:04,480
Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're
not just paper-thin anymore.
174
00:07:04,503 --> 00:07:06,901
Oh, my God. You're
just the best.
175
00:07:07,909 --> 00:07:10,209
Hello, Hot Cocoa. Whoa.
176
00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:11,780
What's going on here?
177
00:07:11,805 --> 00:07:14,298
- Nothing.
- I'm getting a real vibe.
178
00:07:14,325 --> 00:07:15,588
- No.
- Mmm,
179
00:07:15,615 --> 00:07:19,943
you want to have
sex with her, you...
180
00:07:20,425 --> 00:07:22,545
- are not so sure.
- (Coach and Cece chuckle)
181
00:07:22,729 --> 00:07:25,139
If she doesn't want
to put out, I will.
182
00:07:25,162 --> 00:07:27,795
- ♪ Abby Day ♪
- There you go.
183
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:30,595
♪ Abby Day, she
always says ♪
184
00:07:30,605 --> 00:07:32,365
♪ The most inappropriate stuff. ♪
185
00:07:32,391 --> 00:07:34,480
You a cappella sing
at me one more time,
186
00:07:34,492 --> 00:07:36,565
I'll rip that stupid
little dress off you
187
00:07:36,605 --> 00:07:39,786
- and shove it down your mouth.
- Okay, I'm scared of you.
188
00:07:39,799 --> 00:07:42,052
♪ Let's go in my room... ♪
Don't hurt me.
189
00:07:42,072 --> 00:07:43,742
Please don't hurt me.
190
00:07:44,359 --> 00:07:46,592
- Damn it. She hasn't called.
- Will you put please that away?
191
00:07:46,605 --> 00:07:47,692
We're 30 seconds
to curtain here.
192
00:07:47,698 --> 00:07:49,305
I don't want to miss a
call from Jess, man.
193
00:07:49,318 --> 00:07:51,072
I need you focused.
Are you ready?
194
00:07:51,095 --> 00:07:53,935
Yes. I distract the rabbi while
you hit on his daughter.
195
00:07:53,955 --> 00:07:55,235
And action. Go.
196
00:07:57,332 --> 00:07:59,065
Ugh.
What a spread, huh?
197
00:07:59,085 --> 00:08:00,205
- Terrible.
- I agree.
198
00:08:00,225 --> 00:08:01,915
Thank God I have
pizza in my car.
199
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,096
(laughs)
200
00:08:03,121 --> 00:08:04,774
Yeah, that's very funny.
201
00:08:04,796 --> 00:08:06,369
What's the matter with you?
That wasn't a joke.
202
00:08:06,375 --> 00:08:08,838
- Who has pizza in their car?
- Listen, when I make a joke,
203
00:08:08,858 --> 00:08:10,685
you'll know it. I'm
a joke machine.
204
00:08:10,705 --> 00:08:12,699
What are the chances?
I love jokes!
205
00:08:12,718 --> 00:08:14,945
Oh, good, okay.
206
00:08:14,982 --> 00:08:18,097
Uh... Oh, did you hear the
one about the waiter?
207
00:08:18,110 --> 00:08:21,303
- No. - Walks up to a table full
of Jewish women and says,
208
00:08:21,323 --> 00:08:23,751
"Ladies, is anything
all right?"
209
00:08:23,779 --> 00:08:27,119
(both laugh)
210
00:08:28,659 --> 00:08:29,752
Hi.
211
00:08:29,929 --> 00:08:31,307
Rack-hael!
212
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,219
Baruch ata Ado, nice dress.
213
00:08:33,232 --> 00:08:35,448
Oh, thank you!
214
00:08:35,476 --> 00:08:39,130
- Uh, Shabbat sha-hello.
- (laughs) Yeah.
215
00:08:39,375 --> 00:08:41,135
It wasn't as good as
mine, but it was cute.
216
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:42,880
Yeah. Thanks. Thanks.
217
00:08:42,908 --> 00:08:44,619
- How's Hebrew school?
- It's fine. It's the only place
218
00:08:44,632 --> 00:08:46,672
that would hire me after
I got out of rehab.
219
00:08:47,536 --> 00:08:51,434
- Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it.
- 'Cause they're rich people.
220
00:08:51,453 --> 00:08:53,629
Yeah, they... well, these
particular Jews happen
221
00:08:53,648 --> 00:08:56,016
- to be rich, but they worked hard.
- I'm sorry. Hold on...
222
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,160
- Telephone call in the middle
of a punch line? - Hey.
223
00:08:58,172 --> 00:09:00,125
- Generation's the worst!
- Hey, what's going on?
224
00:09:00,142 --> 00:09:02,942
So Abby's flight
is crazy delayed.
225
00:09:02,973 --> 00:09:05,464
Um, so, no time
for dinner.
226
00:09:05,477 --> 00:09:06,931
I can come right
now, Jess.
227
00:09:06,958 --> 00:09:10,741
No. Um, she has, um, a conference
call with Hong Kong about a...
228
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:15,299
very important, uh... fashion
business, uh, venture magazine...
229
00:09:15,695 --> 00:09:16,957
conference.
230
00:09:17,659 --> 00:09:19,380
Well, maybe I'll
see her next time.
231
00:09:21,079 --> 00:09:23,565
Oh, no, no, no, no!
232
00:09:23,944 --> 00:09:26,205
You will not speak
to my daughter!
233
00:09:26,226 --> 00:09:28,439
Rachael, this man
is a nut ball!
234
00:09:28,446 --> 00:09:31,539
A nut ball? How dare you!
I'm a goof ball.
235
00:09:31,552 --> 00:09:33,886
Sammy Davis, Jr.
was a goof ball.
236
00:09:33,899 --> 00:09:36,830
You, sir, are no
Sammy Davis, Jr.
237
00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:39,263
- I'm a... I'm a goof ball. I am a goofball.
- You're bad news. Bad news.
238
00:09:39,276 --> 00:09:42,922
Daddy, I love sex, and he
wants to have sex with me.
239
00:09:42,939 --> 00:09:45,479
Let him! Oh, I love sex!
240
00:09:45,499 --> 00:09:47,592
(whispering):
Text me. Text me.
241
00:09:50,552 --> 00:09:53,385
- What was that, man?
- Jess is embarrassed of me.
242
00:09:53,408 --> 00:09:55,655
- Can you believe that?
- What a shanda.
243
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,890
- What's a shanda?
- A shanda!
244
00:09:58,593 --> 00:10:00,293
What a shanda!
245
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:03,246
All you care about is Jess. Remember
when we used to be best friends?
246
00:10:03,259 --> 00:10:04,824
Uh, that was neat.
247
00:10:04,845 --> 00:10:06,853
What a neat time in
my life that was.
248
00:10:08,196 --> 00:10:09,869
Hey, Schmidt!
249
00:10:09,896 --> 00:10:13,711
My girlfriend's embarrassed of me.
Can we go on that for a little bit?
250
00:10:14,195 --> 00:10:17,730
Or does the wingman never get
to, you know, flap his wings?
251
00:10:18,706 --> 00:10:22,209
The bird never gets to
be the main bird. This.
252
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:24,846
Jess: Ugh!
253
00:10:24,865 --> 00:10:26,938
So, I just talked to Nick,
254
00:10:26,951 --> 00:10:29,714
and this is a real shame
in the pants, but
255
00:10:29,975 --> 00:10:31,682
- he's not coming home tonight.
- What? Why?
256
00:10:31,707 --> 00:10:33,294
He had to hang out
with his work friends.
257
00:10:33,312 --> 00:10:36,964
- He can't come and see me?
- Guess it's just us till... the airport.
258
00:10:37,365 --> 00:10:38,558
Mmm.
259
00:10:40,912 --> 00:10:42,227
You see what you're
doing, right?
260
00:10:42,249 --> 00:10:44,088
- (gasps) Oh, my God.
- (laughs)
261
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:46,575
I'm mom.
(laughs)
262
00:10:46,592 --> 00:10:49,279
No! I'm turning into Mom.
How did this happen?
263
00:10:49,292 --> 00:10:51,057
- "Just a little bit."
- "Just a tipple."
264
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,032
- "I don't want to get stoned."
- Hey, I love that
265
00:10:53,045 --> 00:10:55,860
- she calls "getting drunk"
"getting stoned." - (laughs)
266
00:10:55,976 --> 00:10:59,248
Oh, my God. Wait. Big news.
Mom got one of those very,
267
00:10:59,273 --> 00:11:01,467
very small denim
backpacks.
268
00:11:01,486 --> 00:11:03,573
- She did, and she calls it
her blue guy. - What?
269
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:06,395
She's, like, "Oh, I got
to grab my blue guy."
270
00:11:06,419 --> 00:11:09,256
Can't believe you're making fun of Mom.
You're her perfect little baby.
271
00:11:09,266 --> 00:11:10,918
I'm... Hey, I'm...
272
00:11:11,595 --> 00:11:13,315
I'm not really a baby.
273
00:11:13,342 --> 00:11:14,847
You're a super grownup.
274
00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:16,729
Thank you.
275
00:11:18,376 --> 00:11:19,449
Oh, my...
276
00:11:19,474 --> 00:11:20,614
(laughs)
277
00:11:20,634 --> 00:11:23,262
- What? - I have a picture of
Mom wearing the backpack
278
00:11:23,275 --> 00:11:25,115
at her sign language
class graduation.
279
00:11:25,136 --> 00:11:26,363
- Oh.
- You have to see this.
280
00:11:26,382 --> 00:11:28,495
- No.
- It's amazing.
281
00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:30,397
I have it in a photo album.
282
00:11:30,656 --> 00:11:33,456
(phone buzzing)
283
00:11:42,038 --> 00:11:45,571
Ooh, bonus shot of Dad getting a
haircut while eating spaghetti!
284
00:11:45,868 --> 00:11:47,068
(laughs)
285
00:11:48,938 --> 00:11:50,378
Abby?
286
00:11:56,177 --> 00:11:58,173
Hey, Outside D, have
you seen a girl
287
00:11:58,179 --> 00:12:00,157
that looks like me, but
with chaos in her eyes?
288
00:12:00,171 --> 00:12:02,236
Sorry. I'm doing my taxes.
289
00:12:03,227 --> 00:12:06,619
Ooh! I'm taking in more
than I'm spending.
290
00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:08,492
(ringtone plays)
291
00:12:08,649 --> 00:12:10,016
- Hey.
- Hey.
292
00:12:10,038 --> 00:12:11,025
How's it going with Abby?
293
00:12:11,054 --> 00:12:13,181
Yeah, you know, we were having
fun for once, and then...
294
00:12:13,187 --> 00:12:15,160
What happened?
Tell me what happened.
295
00:12:15,177 --> 00:12:17,132
I will take care of
it for you, baby.
296
00:12:21,128 --> 00:12:22,488
Baby?
297
00:12:23,044 --> 00:12:26,091
I got this.
I got this myself. Thanks.
298
00:12:26,874 --> 00:12:28,134
Quick question.
299
00:12:28,161 --> 00:12:30,203
Is pee-pee a write-off?
300
00:12:34,528 --> 00:12:35,308
Hey.
301
00:12:35,328 --> 00:12:37,700
Not sure my body's
built for these chairs.
302
00:12:39,488 --> 00:12:41,068
It's a regular chair, man.
303
00:12:41,081 --> 00:12:42,056
Yeah.
304
00:12:43,111 --> 00:12:44,471
Hey, bub.
305
00:12:44,477 --> 00:12:45,936
How you doing?
306
00:12:46,907 --> 00:12:48,854
Well, I want to apologize.
307
00:12:48,867 --> 00:12:50,660
Sorry I got distracted.
308
00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:52,175
It's okay.
309
00:12:52,451 --> 00:12:54,660
- I'm sorry your girlfriend hates you.
- Ah, she doesn't hate me.
310
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,528
She's just ashamed
of me or something.
311
00:12:57,817 --> 00:13:00,564
Well, you know what? If she's
really ashamed of you, then...
312
00:13:01,192 --> 00:13:03,292
- then she's the stupidest bitch
in the whole wide world. - Easy.
313
00:13:03,311 --> 00:13:05,285
- Okay, slow down.
- I apologize if I went overboard.
314
00:13:05,314 --> 00:13:07,052
- Water under the bridge.
- I've never been ashamed.
315
00:13:07,071 --> 00:13:09,315
Wish I could have helped
you get that girl, man.
316
00:13:09,597 --> 00:13:10,967
Feel like I blew it.
317
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,664
Well, she was
kind of nutty.
318
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,330
What happened to us, man?
319
00:13:14,774 --> 00:13:17,610
- We used to be the best
in the biz. - We still are.
320
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:20,957
I'm the best wingman
that's ever wung.
321
00:13:21,925 --> 00:13:23,532
- Make a plan?
- Absolutely.
322
00:13:25,008 --> 00:13:27,627
♪ I will... always love you...
323
00:13:27,644 --> 00:13:29,100
You're my brother.
324
00:13:31,094 --> 00:13:33,527
Thank you. Charge
that to room 304.
325
00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:36,028
Ah! You! Charge
that to nothing.
326
00:13:36,054 --> 00:13:37,348
She's checking out.
327
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,316
Adding this hotel
to your rap sheets?
328
00:13:39,334 --> 00:13:40,574
- You found me.
- Oh, yeah.
329
00:13:40,596 --> 00:13:42,036
Don't you want to
know why I left?
330
00:13:42,053 --> 00:13:46,654
You saw my text, and I'm...
I'm honestly sorry, but...
331
00:13:47,046 --> 00:13:48,913
you do ruin everything!
332
00:13:48,934 --> 00:13:51,347
Whoa. Thought I was gonna
turn the tables with that one.
333
00:13:51,353 --> 00:13:53,378
Get your ass in the car.
I'm taking you to the airport.
334
00:13:53,391 --> 00:13:54,765
Thought we could
share some calamari.
335
00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,015
- Now!
- Kobe beef sliders?
336
00:13:56,034 --> 00:13:57,554
- Now...!
- Lobster quesadilla?
337
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:58,808
Right now.
338
00:14:02,690 --> 00:14:04,038
(sighs)
339
00:14:08,537 --> 00:14:09,904
(slurping continues)
340
00:14:09,929 --> 00:14:11,436
This is a great...
341
00:14:11,683 --> 00:14:12,893
Mmm.
342
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:15,227
(clicks spoon on bowl)
343
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,643
You know, Bertie had a dream
she killed me. (laughs)
344
00:14:19,690 --> 00:14:21,911
- So, uh, Coach, what's new?
- Nothing.
345
00:14:22,543 --> 00:14:24,150
Isn't that right, Cece?
346
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:25,830
Hmm?
347
00:14:26,206 --> 00:14:28,816
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Oh, you'll figure it out.
348
00:14:29,606 --> 00:14:31,239
If not, just text me.
349
00:14:31,259 --> 00:14:33,886
- Or don't. You're good at that.
- Oh, my God.
350
00:14:33,905 --> 00:14:37,625
Okay. We made out
once, pointlessly, for two hours.
351
00:14:37,656 --> 00:14:40,034
That's it.
Get over it. Let it go.
352
00:14:40,057 --> 00:14:41,590
Pointless... was it?
353
00:14:41,617 --> 00:14:43,364
- Yeah.
- I mean, who does that?!
354
00:14:43,377 --> 00:14:46,496
Super-hot make out, and then,
you ice me out for two months.
355
00:14:46,509 --> 00:14:48,988
What are you talking
about?! Ice out what?
356
00:14:48,994 --> 00:14:51,649
You text me, "Happy Monday."
What do I do with that?
357
00:14:51,675 --> 00:14:54,642
Oh, I don't know. Maybe
have a happy Monday.
358
00:14:54,650 --> 00:14:56,850
- (laughing)
- Going out with you was the hottest
359
00:14:56,876 --> 00:14:58,617
and dumbest mistake
I ever made!
360
00:14:58,627 --> 00:15:00,140
It was the hottest, dumbest,
361
00:15:00,164 --> 00:15:02,571
sexiest mistake I ever made.
362
00:15:02,596 --> 00:15:05,480
It was so dumb of me to pick you up
and press you up against that wall.
363
00:15:05,507 --> 00:15:09,247
So dumb how cool those
bricks made my skin feel.
364
00:15:09,273 --> 00:15:11,341
You guys should try the
fisherman's bisque.
365
00:15:11,733 --> 00:15:13,659
Has just the right
amount of tang.
366
00:15:14,027 --> 00:15:15,681
- That tang?
- Mm.
367
00:15:16,033 --> 00:15:17,059
That's tang.
368
00:15:17,404 --> 00:15:18,885
Okay. (laughs)
369
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,824
- Whoa! Whoa. Okay.
- Sorry. I was trying... I was trying to...
370
00:15:21,863 --> 00:15:24,970
Just gonna pivot a little bit more to
the side. Yeah. - Yeah, just pivot?
371
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:26,835
No, okay, look, I think
the way it was...
372
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:28,860
...was more...
I was up, right?
373
00:15:28,885 --> 00:15:31,150
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were up.
- That's-that's how it was... yeah, up.
374
00:15:31,173 --> 00:15:34,003
- Just... Okay.
- All right. Now what do we do?
375
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:37,040
Maybe just, like, lower your center
of gravity, and then this is gonna work.
376
00:15:37,053 --> 00:15:39,608
Just lower it down, I'm
gonna clench my thighs.
377
00:15:40,323 --> 00:15:42,961
- I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna fall...
- I'm clenching my thighs as hard as I can.
378
00:15:42,981 --> 00:15:45,699
- Okay, okay.
- What? Oh. Geez.
379
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,137
- (groans): Oh!
- Geez.
380
00:15:48,713 --> 00:15:50,086
That was...
381
00:15:50,431 --> 00:15:52,378
- awful. Oh, my gosh.
- That was the worst.
382
00:15:52,391 --> 00:15:54,398
- Wow, what is happening?
- Oh, Lord.
383
00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:57,023
Maybe you were right not to text
me back, 'cause that was...
384
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,810
embarrassing.
(laughs)
385
00:15:59,946 --> 00:16:01,646
- I'm sorry.
- (quietly): No, that's cool.
386
00:16:01,876 --> 00:16:04,647
Can we just be friends now?
You know?
387
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:07,918
- Yeah. I mean, why not? (chuckles)
- (laughs)
388
00:16:09,157 --> 00:16:10,741
- Friends?
- Friends.
389
00:16:12,770 --> 00:16:13,784
Friends.
390
00:16:14,733 --> 00:16:15,840
Come here, you.
391
00:16:15,853 --> 00:16:17,192
- Oh, oh!
- Aah! Sorry.
392
00:16:17,205 --> 00:16:19,806
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Literally just bit my tooth.
393
00:16:19,819 --> 00:16:23,339
- I'm sorry, when I get excited my
teeth come out. - Who does that?
394
00:16:23,365 --> 00:16:25,169
- Sorry.
- (muffled): I think I broke my tooth.
395
00:16:25,203 --> 00:16:26,435
Let me see?
396
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:27,606
Oh.
397
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,610
Jess: Okay.
398
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,257
Go straight to the gate.
399
00:16:36,510 --> 00:16:37,687
Look...
400
00:16:37,959 --> 00:16:39,712
I get why you're
mad at me.
401
00:16:39,743 --> 00:16:41,807
Okay? But if it's
any consolation,
402
00:16:41,832 --> 00:16:45,175
I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on
a plane to go live with my mother.
403
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:49,244
It's only a matter of time before I
have a tiny denim backpack, too.
404
00:16:50,923 --> 00:16:53,300
I said I would never
go back to Portland.
405
00:16:54,422 --> 00:16:57,449
So I guess I'm a
complete failure.
406
00:16:58,673 --> 00:17:00,261
I'm the baby.
407
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:12,360
(whistle blowing)
408
00:17:12,483 --> 00:17:15,610
Is this the craziest thing that's going on
in the airport? Really? (whistle continues)
409
00:17:16,530 --> 00:17:19,147
Okay, recap, you hit
the dance floor, and...
410
00:17:19,166 --> 00:17:20,620
Do what I do best,
be an embarrassment.
411
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,348
Well, it's a gift, Nick. I need
you to ruin this bar mitzvah.
412
00:17:23,361 --> 00:17:25,163
What do you say, just get out
there and do some weird dancing?
413
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,954
- It's got to be bigger than
that, man. - Bigger than that?
414
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:28,232
Then I come out there
and I... (grunts)
415
00:17:28,251 --> 00:17:30,098
...knock you out.
It's all right.
416
00:17:30,501 --> 00:17:32,935
Again, it'll be a stage punch. Don't worry.
I've done several productions
417
00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:34,040
Both:
...of West Side Story.
418
00:17:34,064 --> 00:17:36,273
- I know. You told me.
- As a Puerto Rican Shark.
419
00:17:36,884 --> 00:17:38,444
- That's cool.
- It was awesome.
420
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:39,994
You never came
and saw it, but...
421
00:17:40,007 --> 00:17:41,588
- Well, I was very busy at that time.
- Whatever, never mind.
422
00:17:41,604 --> 00:17:43,357
The rabbi will then come
out, he'll thank me,
423
00:17:43,381 --> 00:17:44,631
- the hero...
- Gotcha.
424
00:17:44,644 --> 00:17:47,002
He'll offer me his daughter's
hand, then, five years from now,
425
00:17:47,018 --> 00:17:50,077
Rachael is pregnant with Elon's
little sister and we're having
426
00:17:50,096 --> 00:17:52,652
a beautiful family New Year's
then in our vacation condo
427
00:17:52,668 --> 00:17:55,706
- in the Florida Keys. - You're doing it
again, you're talking in speeches.
428
00:17:55,725 --> 00:17:58,047
You've been monologuing,
lately, Schmidt.
429
00:17:58,588 --> 00:18:00,041
Do you s... Do you,
do you hear yourself?
430
00:18:00,068 --> 00:18:01,221
- I-I'm unaware of it.
- You... Okay.
431
00:18:01,241 --> 00:18:02,821
I'm not gonna get mad at you, 'cause
I respect you and you're one of...
432
00:18:02,854 --> 00:18:04,067
- I'm unaware of it.
- But, like, it's weird.
433
00:18:04,088 --> 00:18:06,101
- I apologize. I'll stop doing it.
- Okay.
434
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,808
- (exhales) Hey.
- Yeah?
435
00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:09,952
Light this cannon up
so I can shoot off.
436
00:18:09,988 --> 00:18:11,458
(whooshing, hissing)
437
00:18:11,488 --> 00:18:12,815
(imitates explosion)
438
00:18:12,827 --> 00:18:14,909
Oh!
439
00:18:15,111 --> 00:18:17,539
Well, well, well, it's
a snake in the grass.
440
00:18:17,941 --> 00:18:19,870
How you doing?
My name's Nick.
441
00:18:20,431 --> 00:18:22,218
You know martial arts?
442
00:18:22,248 --> 00:18:23,818
Swear to God you don't?
443
00:18:24,068 --> 00:18:27,801
You run around with this hunk
anymore, this little surfer cat.
444
00:18:27,818 --> 00:18:29,318
I know your game.
445
00:18:29,551 --> 00:18:33,494
Charming the ladies with your
baby blue eyes. I wish I had 'em.
446
00:18:34,874 --> 00:18:36,622
Breaking my heart, beautiful.
447
00:18:37,706 --> 00:18:38,386
What?
448
00:18:38,399 --> 00:18:40,592
And I all do is love you.
I give and I give.
449
00:18:40,617 --> 00:18:44,205
I been working for 40 years
at the steel mill for you.
450
00:18:44,468 --> 00:18:45,795
We just met.
451
00:18:45,814 --> 00:18:49,077
I want to rip that blouse
off you and put it on me.
452
00:18:49,098 --> 00:18:52,080
- Oh, wow. - I want to
wear your lipstick.
453
00:18:52,357 --> 00:18:56,081
- Well, that's interesting.
- I want to rip those earrings off
454
00:18:56,107 --> 00:18:58,887
and put 'em on and
I want to be the girl!
455
00:18:58,901 --> 00:19:00,961
That would be wonderful.
456
00:19:00,987 --> 00:19:04,477
But I won't do it around
all these crazy Jews.
457
00:19:04,851 --> 00:19:07,731
And I don't care who's watching.
I want what I want.
458
00:19:08,268 --> 00:19:09,988
(everyone gasping)
Ooh!
459
00:19:15,217 --> 00:19:16,924
- Unhand her, sir.
- Whoa, what is... Hey, man.
460
00:19:16,944 --> 00:19:18,938
That's my mother!
461
00:19:19,428 --> 00:19:20,488
Ooh!
462
00:19:20,528 --> 00:19:21,885
(everyone gasping)
You okay?
463
00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:23,844
Nice shot, Dr. Nussbaum.
464
00:19:23,870 --> 00:19:26,246
Would you like to date my
daughter? She's available.
465
00:19:26,268 --> 00:19:28,488
Oh, great, yeah, tell the whole
room that I'm available.
466
00:19:28,508 --> 00:19:31,537
I'm not telling the whole room.
I'm telling Dr. Nussbaum.
467
00:19:31,568 --> 00:19:33,908
- A doctor.
- No, I got that.
468
00:19:35,545 --> 00:19:37,581
(deep sigh, groan)
469
00:19:38,361 --> 00:19:39,821
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
470
00:19:39,841 --> 00:19:42,181
I like your glass... What
happened to your eye?
471
00:19:42,198 --> 00:19:44,005
- I got beat up at a bar mitzvah.
- (sighs)
472
00:19:44,025 --> 00:19:45,740
And I know that's
embarrassing, and I know
473
00:19:45,753 --> 00:19:48,231
you're too embarrassed of me
to introduce me to your sister.
474
00:19:48,244 --> 00:19:49,551
- What?
- And I get that, Jess.
475
00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:52,603
- Nick, that's not at all what...
- You know what?
476
00:19:52,634 --> 00:19:54,234
There is something I
just cannot shake,
477
00:19:54,247 --> 00:19:55,849
I been tossing and
turning all night long.
478
00:19:55,875 --> 00:19:58,431
We literally have been apart for like
15 seconds, man. Get out of here.
479
00:19:58,461 --> 00:20:01,434
I am your wingman now, Nick,
because it-it takes two wings...
480
00:20:01,447 --> 00:20:03,887
- Don't do this.
- ...for a, for a bird to dance.
481
00:20:03,908 --> 00:20:06,558
- Jessica Day, you are
dating a champion. - I agree.
482
00:20:06,578 --> 00:20:09,310
And I don't know why on earth
you would be embarrassed of him.
483
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:10,754
- Excuse me?
- Don't... I told him not...
484
00:20:10,771 --> 00:20:12,478
I don't understand where
this is coming from.
485
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:13,973
I am not embarrassed of Nick,
486
00:20:13,984 --> 00:20:15,360
- not at all.
- For real?
487
00:20:15,379 --> 00:20:16,827
- No.
- Well, that's great news.
488
00:20:16,844 --> 00:20:19,690
I'm glad that's out of the way. Fantastic.
I'll see you guys for brunch.
489
00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:22,426
Why would you think that?
490
00:20:23,050 --> 00:20:26,541
- She's embarrassed of
me. Oh, hello. - Oh, hey.
491
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:27,808
- This is, um...
- I'm Abby.
492
00:20:27,824 --> 00:20:29,764
- Abby.
- Hi.
493
00:20:29,788 --> 00:20:31,161
Mom was right.
494
00:20:31,181 --> 00:20:33,101
- He does have an uptown butt.
- What?
495
00:20:33,137 --> 00:20:35,757
- I'd like to put that butt in ski pants.
- What does that mean?
496
00:20:35,778 --> 00:20:37,257
- Nothing.
- Everything.
497
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:39,588
- Come on, Abby.
- Oh, come on.
498
00:20:39,608 --> 00:20:40,875
Jess, I'm putting my
stuff in your room.
499
00:20:40,894 --> 00:20:44,378
So that mean you guys
are gonna stay in your room.
500
00:20:44,554 --> 00:20:46,526
- Thank me later.
- All right.
501
00:20:48,308 --> 00:20:51,308
Well, she is just a delight.
(chuckles)
502
00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:56,309
So I might have told
a few lies about my sister.
503
00:20:56,550 --> 00:20:58,483
She's a total train wreck,
and she was in jail.
504
00:20:58,501 --> 00:21:01,361
Well, look, why lie? You know
how many Millers have been
505
00:21:01,374 --> 00:21:02,828
or are currently in jail?
506
00:21:02,848 --> 00:21:05,061
I get it. It's just,
she's such a...
507
00:21:05,107 --> 00:21:06,767
Abby (muffled):
I can hear you.
508
00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:10,483
- (whispers): Complicated person.
- Right.
509
00:21:11,244 --> 00:21:12,377
Anyway.
510
00:21:12,478 --> 00:21:14,544
- She needs me.
- Right.
511
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:17,867
- Can she stay with us?
- Yeah, of course. How-how long?
512
00:21:17,888 --> 00:21:19,228
- A few weeks.
- Few weeks.
513
00:21:19,253 --> 00:21:21,013
- A month, tops.
514
00:21:21,395 --> 00:21:23,767
- Six months, super tops.
- Six months.
515
00:21:23,787 --> 00:21:26,727
Just till I get on my feet.
Oh. What's your address?
516
00:21:26,758 --> 00:21:29,198
In case I want to get
any "deliveries."
517
00:21:29,241 --> 00:21:30,748
I'm not telling you.
518
00:21:30,901 --> 00:21:32,231
I'm not telling
you, I'm n...
519
00:21:32,681 --> 00:21:34,501
"Deliveries?" No.
520
00:21:34,524 --> 00:21:36,637
Deliveries are fine,
"deliveries," no.
521
00:21:36,657 --> 00:21:38,987
- Depends what you want
"delivered." - I'll figure it out.
522
00:21:43,444 --> 00:21:44,674
Well...
523
00:21:48,431 --> 00:21:49,713
I love you.
524
00:21:52,586 --> 00:21:57,586
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