1 00:00:00,180 --> 00:00:03,580 Kids, the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me 2 00:00:04,050 --> 00:00:05,490 Stella and I had started dating, 3 00:00:05,590 --> 00:00:07,080 And I'd just gotten a big raise at work, 4 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,700 So I decided to purchase something I knew 5 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,300 Would be the envy of all my friends. 6 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:12,100 A new car! 7 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,060 Ted, this is new york city-- you're never gonna drive it. 8 00:00:15,130 --> 00:00:17,230 This is a really, really stupid purchase, 9 00:00:17,230 --> 00:00:20,700 And I'm sorry, but none of us can support it. 10 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:21,900 Shotgun for eternity! 11 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,300 You can't call shotgun for eternity. 12 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,500 I just called it. 13 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,500 You can't just call things, barney. 14 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:27,700 I call that I can call things! 15 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:28,700 hey, baby. 16 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,000 Beer. 17 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,330 Are you okay? 18 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,460 Beer. 19 00:00:42,230 --> 00:00:43,660 Okay, what happened? 20 00:00:43,730 --> 00:00:46,230 They always told me that working at a big law firm 21 00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:47,760 Was like being at war. 22 00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,200 You get out of law school, 23 00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:50,830 It's like getting out of boot camp. 24 00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:52,930 That first day at work, you're storming the beaches, 25 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,700 Full of piss and vinegar... 26 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,400 Dude, we're lawyers now. 27 00:00:56,460 --> 00:00:57,600 Totally. 28 00:00:57,660 --> 00:00:58,960 We've got briefcases and everything. 29 00:00:59,030 --> 00:01:00,530 Freakin' briefcases. 30 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:01,960 You have anything in yours? 31 00:01:02,030 --> 00:01:03,430 Totally empty. you? 32 00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:04,600 Candy bars. 33 00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:11,230 Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies 34 00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:13,100 And you feel a sense of camaraderie. 35 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,630 But before too long... 36 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:15,760 Hey, marshall. 37 00:01:15,830 --> 00:01:16,800 ...the shells start to fall. 38 00:01:16,860 --> 00:01:18,060 Hello, arthur. 39 00:01:19,430 --> 00:01:20,930 Arthur hobbes is one of the senior partners 40 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,360 At my firm, and he's... he's my boss. 41 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,560 He seems like a nice guy, 42 00:01:25,630 --> 00:01:26,730 But he's got a nickname... 43 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,430 Artillery arthur. 44 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:31,000 How's your morning going? 45 00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:32,900 It's going fine-- how is yours? 46 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,430 Not too bad, not too bad. 47 00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:36,500 Hey, is ferguson in yet? 48 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,560 He is, he's in... just in his office next door. 49 00:01:38,630 --> 00:01:40,800 That's great-- have a good one, buddy. 50 00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:42,060 You, too. 51 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,800 You never know who's gonna get hit... 52 00:01:45,860 --> 00:01:47,260 Hey, ferguson! 53 00:01:47,330 --> 00:01:49,760 I read your report, and it's complete crap! 54 00:01:49,830 --> 00:01:51,800 No, you know what? that's an insult to crap. 55 00:01:51,860 --> 00:01:55,260 If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that! 56 00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:58,860 Your report is the crap that crap craps! 57 00:01:58,930 --> 00:02:01,500 If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked! 58 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:02,700 Shocked! 59 00:02:04,860 --> 00:02:06,400 It was brutal, 60 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,530 But the worst was a few minutes later. 61 00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:11,630 Did you hear that? 62 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,360 Yeah, sorry. 63 00:02:15,430 --> 00:02:16,860 Can you believe he did that 64 00:02:16,930 --> 00:02:19,430 On take your daughter to work day? 65 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,730 So that brings us to today. 66 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,200 Oh, no. 67 00:02:26,260 --> 00:02:27,300 A little background. 68 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,800 So I'm working on this report 69 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:32,330 Called "using 23-b-3 spurious class action precedent 70 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,330 "to contest a class certification order 71 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,830 Based on a lack of commonality, numerosity..." 72 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,130 Dude, you lost us. 73 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,260 Can't you just call it something cool 74 00:02:39,330 --> 00:02:40,460 Like "the ninja report"? 75 00:02:40,530 --> 00:02:43,360 Okay. yeah, fine, whatever. 76 00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:44,530 Um, so I'm supposed 77 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:45,960 To turn in "the ninja report" yesterday. 78 00:02:46,030 --> 00:02:47,630 -Awesome. -wow. cool. 79 00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:50,160 But I got insanely busy with other stuff, 80 00:02:50,230 --> 00:02:52,260 I didn't get a chance to finish it, 81 00:02:52,330 --> 00:02:54,130 And then this morning... 82 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:55,630 -Hey, ferguson. -hey, arthur. 83 00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:56,960 How's your day going? 84 00:02:57,030 --> 00:02:59,100 -I gotta go. -great. how is yours? 85 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:00,800 Great, great-- hey, is marshall in yet? 86 00:03:00,860 --> 00:03:02,500 Oh, thank god. 87 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,900 Yeah, he's right in there. 88 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,500 Fantastic. have a good one, buddy. 89 00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:11,600 And then... 90 00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:13,100 He screamed at me. 91 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,260 Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. 92 00:03:15,330 --> 00:03:16,900 What, that's it? 93 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,160 You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you? 94 00:03:20,230 --> 00:03:21,660 Barney, I have never been screamed at 95 00:03:21,730 --> 00:03:23,330 Like that in my life. 96 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,530 Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work? 97 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,460 I got screamed at three times today. 98 00:03:27,530 --> 00:03:28,800 Once in korean. 99 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:31,930 This is corporate america, marshall. 100 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,730 Screaming is a motivational tool, 101 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,100 Like christmas bonuses or sexual harassment. 102 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,260 It's just good business. 103 00:03:38,330 --> 00:03:41,430 Oh, baby, it's just not fair. 104 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:43,500 You've been working so hard. 105 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,830 Late nights, weekends. 106 00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:49,030 I never see you. 107 00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:54,130 We've barely made love in weeks. 108 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,360 It's bad, guys,mama needs her sugar. 109 00:04:00,430 --> 00:04:03,800 Look, marshall, he screamed at you, you took it. 110 00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:05,430 He probably respects you more for it. 111 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:08,530 Yeah, about that... 112 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,630 So arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment... 113 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:15,860 Face turning red, 114 00:04:15,930 --> 00:04:18,500 Vein in his forehead about to burst, 115 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:22,130 Spittle flying like shrapnel. 116 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,730 Everyone you work with walking by your office, 117 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,330 Peering in. 118 00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:32,830 And suddenly, I just felt all of it. 119 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,000 All of what? 120 00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:35,430 All of it. 121 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:38,100 The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment, 122 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,230 And now I'm working for the bad guys instead. 123 00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:43,030 The fact that I am stuck in this job 124 00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,700 Because of a mortgage I can barely afford 125 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,630 On an apartment that is crooked. 126 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,060 The fact that I am a grown man, 127 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,760 and nobody, not even artillery arthur, 128 00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:52,660 Has the right to talk to me like that! 129 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,500 I begged my body not to do it. 130 00:04:58,260 --> 00:04:59,730 But it was no use. 131 00:05:05,830 --> 00:05:09,000 I just... I just... 132 00:05:14,460 --> 00:05:17,130 Just because you weren't around for this, 133 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,560 I called shotgun for all eternity in ted's car. 136 00:05:38,430 --> 00:05:39,860 I don't know what happened. 137 00:05:39,930 --> 00:05:41,800 There's just something about being yelled at like that, 138 00:05:41,860 --> 00:05:44,560 Like I was being scolded by my dad. 139 00:05:44,630 --> 00:05:47,230 Suddenly... suddenly I was a little boy. 140 00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,730 Is "boy" the right word? 141 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,600 I felt absolutely powerless. 142 00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:55,730 Flaccid-- hell, i... I felt castrated. 143 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,300 God, you're hot right now. 144 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,730 And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk 145 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,100 Into arthur's office and give him the ninja report. 146 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,230 Ooh. ooh. ninjas are cool. 147 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,760 How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again? 148 00:06:07,830 --> 00:06:10,500 Here's what I would do if I were you. 149 00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:13,230 Hi, arthur. 150 00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:14,600 Hello, marshall. 151 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,560 Have you finally finished the ninja report? 152 00:06:16,630 --> 00:06:18,600 Yeah, I got it. 153 00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:20,430 Right here. 154 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,160 I think it's gonna blow you away. 155 00:06:25,230 --> 00:06:28,230 Please, I have a family. 156 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,100 So we good? 157 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:31,600 We're so good. 158 00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:34,030 Then why are you still in my office? 159 00:06:39,730 --> 00:06:42,460 Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything 160 00:06:42,530 --> 00:06:44,400 Up in canada, robin, 161 00:06:44,460 --> 00:06:47,660 But here in america, we solve our problems with words. 162 00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:50,500 Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy 163 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,360 With a big eloquent speech defending human dignity. 164 00:06:53,430 --> 00:06:55,000 Like abraham lincoln. 165 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:58,400 Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big, 166 00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,630 Eloquent speech off the top of your head. 167 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,660 Observe. 168 00:07:02,730 --> 00:07:03,960 Arthur? 169 00:07:04,030 --> 00:07:05,030 What do you want, marshall? 170 00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,530 Justice, sir. 171 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,800 You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights, 172 00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:11,800 The most fundamentally paramount of which 173 00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:14,200 Is the right... 174 00:07:14,260 --> 00:07:16,360 Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. 175 00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:18,100 One means highest, one means lowest. 176 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,200 You are nailing this. 177 00:07:20,260 --> 00:07:22,130 Human beings have rights, 178 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,230 And those rights are, um... 179 00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:27,400 You got me hooked, reel me in. 180 00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:29,160 There are certain justices 181 00:07:29,230 --> 00:07:31,130 That cannot or will not 182 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,500 Be inalienable... as such... 183 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:35,960 For the future. 184 00:07:36,030 --> 00:07:38,230 Stuck the landing-- bravo! 185 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,230 Thank you. 186 00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:44,060 Security's gonna rough you up a bit on t way out. 187 00:07:47,230 --> 00:07:50,130 Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay? 188 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,600 I can't have some big confrontation with arthur. 189 00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:55,260 I need this job, i... I need the money. 190 00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:57,400 Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow, 191 00:07:57,460 --> 00:07:58,500 Tell him off and then quit? 192 00:07:58,560 --> 00:07:59,930 It's great to fantasize about, 193 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,000 But nobody ever actually does it. 194 00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:03,560 Gary blauman did it. 195 00:08:03,630 --> 00:08:06,760 Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now. 196 00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:08,500 We were at the morning meeting 197 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,560 and old blauman was getting reamed out but good. 198 00:08:11,630 --> 00:08:12,930 Pretty much routine 199 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,500 At the morning meeting, but then, 200 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,530 On this particular day, something amazing happened. 201 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:18,930 You made yourself look bad, 202 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,160 You made this company look bad, and quite frankly, 203 00:08:21,230 --> 00:08:24,760 You made our friends, the north koreans, look bad! 204 00:08:24,830 --> 00:08:26,260 And I'll tell you something else, 205 00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:28,100 Blauman, if you think for one moment... 206 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,700 You know what, bilson? 207 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,460 You can kiss my ass. 208 00:08:31,530 --> 00:08:33,700 Oh, snap. 209 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,530 -What? -you heard me. 210 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,030 I don't need to take your crap anymore. 211 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,360 My cousin's website went public today, 212 00:08:40,430 --> 00:08:42,400 And I made a pile of money on the ipo, 213 00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:45,500 so you know what I think Of this whole damn company? 214 00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:50,860 Oh, my god. 215 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,700 He peed on the conference table? 216 00:08:54,730 --> 00:08:56,000 Come on, come on, come on, 217 00:08:56,060 --> 00:08:58,500 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 218 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:01,500 Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second 219 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:02,700 Till I get started? 220 00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:05,560 Come on. 221 00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,460 Come on. 222 00:09:07,530 --> 00:09:10,160 Does this help? 223 00:09:10,230 --> 00:09:12,460 W ur eventually, he just gave up and left. 224 00:09:12,530 --> 00:09:14,660 And then his cousin's website tanked. 225 00:09:14,730 --> 00:09:16,960 And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home 226 00:09:17,030 --> 00:09:20,560 And moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley. 227 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,600 That's it? that's the end of the story? 228 00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:27,300 No, no, of course not-- he died. 229 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,030 How does that help me? 230 00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:30,960 How does any of this help me? 231 00:09:31,030 --> 00:09:32,960 Can somebody, for god's sakes, 232 00:09:33,060 --> 00:09:36,260 Please give me one piece of useful advice? 233 00:09:36,330 --> 00:09:38,230 Lily, control your woman. 234 00:09:39,630 --> 00:09:42,260 The lesson of blauman is that when your boss 235 00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:44,830 Screams at you, you never scream back. 236 00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,900 That's why there's a little thing in corporate america 237 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,060 I like to call the chain of screaming. 238 00:09:50,130 --> 00:09:51,800 -Chain of screaming? -yes. 239 00:09:51,860 --> 00:09:54,330 The chain of screaming starts at the top. 240 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,700 Arthur's boss's boss screams at arthur's boss. 241 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,330 Arthur's boss screams at arthur. 242 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,400 Arthur screams at you. 243 00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:04,900 You go home and scream at lily. 244 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:09,200 Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. 245 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:12,230 Then that kid screams at her dad, 246 00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,860 Arthur's boss's boss. 247 00:10:14,930 --> 00:10:17,730 And the whole thing starts all over again, 248 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,930 Thus completing the circle of screaming. 249 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,460 I thought it was a chain of screaming. 250 00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:25,000 It's a circle, ted, I called it a circle. 251 00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:27,160 I don't scream at lily. 252 00:10:27,230 --> 00:10:29,130 And I don't scream at my kids, 253 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,860 None of whom have parents who work at marshall's firm. 254 00:10:31,930 --> 00:10:33,700 So it's not a circle. 255 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,860 Fine-- you want it to be a chain of screaming, 256 00:10:35,930 --> 00:10:37,400 It's a chain of screaming. 257 00:10:37,460 --> 00:10:38,930 I came up with the circle idea halfway through, 258 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,860 Cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, 259 00:10:40,930 --> 00:10:42,400 But fine, ruin it! 260 00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:44,530 You guys always undermine me 261 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,960 When I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it! 262 00:10:47,030 --> 00:10:49,360 God, I'm surrounded by idiots! 263 00:10:49,430 --> 00:10:51,260 Idiots! 264 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,460 See, doesn't everyone feel better now? 265 00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:58,360 Lily, I need your take on this. 266 00:10:58,430 --> 00:11:00,030 What... what should I do? 267 00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:02,300 Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten... 268 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,960 Oh, god. 269 00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:07,700 Kt.is, when dealing with a bully, the most important thing 270 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,030 Is to be constructive and positive. 271 00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:11,860 Hello, arthur. 272 00:11:11,930 --> 00:11:13,060 Hello, marshall. 273 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,630 I have the ninja report right here. 274 00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,200 But arthur, 275 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:20,360 In the future, if you want someone to do their best work, 276 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,800 Try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation, 277 00:11:23,860 --> 00:11:27,800 But through encouragement, inspiration and respect. 278 00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:32,300 Well said, marshall-- I needed to hear that. 279 00:11:33,330 --> 00:11:34,600 By the way, 280 00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:36,460 I saw your wife's picture in your office. 281 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:37,530 That is one tasty slice. 282 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,860 Oh, you're damn right. 283 00:11:38,930 --> 00:11:41,500 You know what I'm gonna do when I get home? 284 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,200 Oh, yeah. 285 00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:45,160 I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off... 286 00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:46,560 That's it. 287 00:11:46,630 --> 00:11:47,900 ...just throw her on the bed... 288 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,530 That's where she belongs. 289 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,060 ...and drive her home like a pack of sled dogs! 290 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,500 It's bad, guys. 291 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,160 Mama needs it bad. 292 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,360 You're right, baby, it's about respect. 293 00:12:04,430 --> 00:12:06,730 That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight. 294 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,300 Can you give me that speech again? 295 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,460 I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of... 296 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,800 No, the other part, please. 297 00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:14,530 I have the ninja report right here, but... 298 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,530 And it seemed like that was the end of it, 299 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,200 But it wasn't, because the next night... 300 00:12:18,260 --> 00:12:20,330 Which of these carpets would look better 301 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,860 In the new apartment? 302 00:12:21,930 --> 00:12:25,060 I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft. 303 00:12:25,130 --> 00:12:27,260 It would feel great on your bare feet... 304 00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:31,900 ...or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat 305 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,560 Rolling down 306 00:12:33,630 --> 00:12:35,500 Your trembling bosom. 307 00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:40,400 Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles? 308 00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,500 Shh, don't say my name. 309 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,400 Lily can't know it's me. 310 00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:48,660 Just pretend you're talking to stella. 311 00:12:48,730 --> 00:12:49,830 Be all lovey dovey. 312 00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:51,500 Hey, stella. 313 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,830 Sweetie, how's it going? 314 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,930 Not good, not good at all. 315 00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,330 Where are you right now? 316 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,160 Right downstairs, come find me. 317 00:13:02,230 --> 00:13:03,860 Without lily. 318 00:13:03,930 --> 00:13:06,660 Okay, I'll see you soon. 319 00:13:06,730 --> 00:13:08,600 I love you. 320 00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,430 I love you, too. 321 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,800 Wow, you two are already saying the "l" word, huh? 322 00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:17,130 Apparently. 323 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,030 You hitting that? 324 00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:30,560 I'm in trouble, ted. 325 00:13:32,830 --> 00:13:34,560 Ted, I'm freakin' out, man. 326 00:13:34,630 --> 00:13:38,060 Um... it's a new car, so just be careful... 327 00:13:38,130 --> 00:13:39,930 I did something stupid-- can we just drive somewhere? 328 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,560 I need to get away-- just drive, man. 329 00:13:41,630 --> 00:13:42,930 Please just drive. 330 00:13:44,430 --> 00:13:46,500 It's just, this is a really good parking spot. 331 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,000 Dude! 332 00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:49,700 Look, just tell me what happened first. 333 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,930 Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech 334 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,000 That lily told me to give, be firm but respectful? 335 00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,560 Well, it didn't totally go that way. 336 00:13:55,630 --> 00:13:57,030 There is a lot of ketchup on that burger. 337 00:13:58,060 --> 00:14:00,360 Sorry-- what happened? 338 00:14:00,430 --> 00:14:01,960 After we all finished talking last night, 339 00:14:02,030 --> 00:14:04,430 I went to the diner to finish working on the ninja report. 340 00:14:05,830 --> 00:14:06,830 Hey, marshall. 341 00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,760 How long have you been sitting there? 342 00:14:10,830 --> 00:14:13,560 If you go in there with lily's kindergarten nonsense, 343 00:14:13,630 --> 00:14:15,200 You're gonna get torn apart. 344 00:14:15,260 --> 00:14:17,230 I'm here to save your life-- you hungry? 345 00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:19,100 Yeah, I was just about to order. 346 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,430 What do you want? 347 00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:21,700 A blt and gravy fries. 348 00:14:22,860 --> 00:14:24,600 Okay, friends, what do you like? 349 00:14:24,660 --> 00:14:26,530 A green tea with lemon for me, 350 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,730 And for my friend here, the meatloaf, please. 351 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:29,800 Very good. 352 00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:32,230 No, I didn't want meatloaf. 353 00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:35,460 Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing. 354 00:14:35,530 --> 00:14:39,060 Arthur screamed at you-- now you have to scream at someone else. 355 00:14:39,130 --> 00:14:40,500 No, I don't. 356 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,500 Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive. 357 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,730 Who would I even scream at? 358 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,130 I don't know. 359 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,700 How about somebody who's disappointed you? 360 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,430 Someone who's let you down. 361 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,760 Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf 362 00:14:54,830 --> 00:14:59,530 When you explicitly ordered a blt and gravy fries. 363 00:15:02,530 --> 00:15:04,300 No. 364 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:05,960 Hey, I was just heading to the bar. 365 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,360 What are you guys doing out here? 366 00:15:07,430 --> 00:15:08,500 Oh, I was just telling ted a story. 367 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,630 Ooh, I like stories. 368 00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:12,400 You want a lick? 369 00:15:13,730 --> 00:15:16,360 -What? -is that ice cream cone big enough? 370 00:15:16,430 --> 00:15:18,630 Uh, it's delicious enough. 371 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,530 Okay, so... 372 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,930 Then I say to barney... 373 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,760 I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, barney. 374 00:15:24,830 --> 00:15:26,030 Yes, you are. 375 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,560 That waiter is every boss and every bully 376 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,760 Who ever embarrassed or belittled you. 377 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,230 And how dare he deny you 378 00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,630 The one thing that you want, 379 00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:38,730 That would make you happy at this moment. 380 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,230 A blt and gravy fries. 381 00:15:42,530 --> 00:15:45,660 One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf. 382 00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:48,500 Enjoy, my friends. 383 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:49,530 Marshall. 384 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:50,930 Excuse me? 385 00:15:52,730 --> 00:15:54,160 Yes? 386 00:15:54,230 --> 00:15:56,030 This is not what I ordered. 387 00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:58,130 Yes, it is. 388 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,000 I beg your pardon, sir, 389 00:16:03,060 --> 00:16:06,300 But I ordered a blt and gravy fries, 390 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,830 And as the customer, I'm always right, so... 391 00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:12,460 No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this! 392 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:16,160 I am at the end of a triple shift-- that's 18 hours!-- 393 00:16:16,230 --> 00:16:17,360 And then I have 394 00:16:17,430 --> 00:16:19,400 To take two trains and a bus to astoria 395 00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:22,760 To have my wife scream at me because I'm never home. 396 00:16:22,830 --> 00:16:25,960 No, no, you eat your damn meatloaf! 397 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,530 Hey, what are you guys doing out here? 398 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,360 Oh sweet, can I get a toot? 399 00:16:32,430 --> 00:16:34,000 Uh-uh-- against car rules, it's against car rules! 400 00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:35,960 Oh, ted, relax, it's cuban. 401 00:16:36,030 --> 00:16:37,860 People pay to have their car smell like this. 402 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,530 Well, that's just not true. 403 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,930 Oh, marshall, switch seats with me. 404 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,230 I called shotgun for all eternity. 405 00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:44,460 You can't call shotgun for eternity. 406 00:16:44,530 --> 00:16:45,960 Well, that's funny, cause I did! 407 00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:47,300 It's case by case. 408 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,060 Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here! 409 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,460 A 20% tip, really, for that waiter? 410 00:16:53,530 --> 00:16:56,260 I don't know, barney, he worked a triple, it just... 411 00:16:56,330 --> 00:16:58,260 If you're not gonna yell at the waiter, 412 00:16:58,330 --> 00:16:59,560 Yell at me. 413 00:16:59,630 --> 00:17:01,230 -What? -yell at me. 414 00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:03,100 I'm not gonna yell at you, barney. 415 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,000 What, you think you're gonna upset me? 416 00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:07,060 Please, give me your best shot. 417 00:17:07,130 --> 00:17:08,900 Okay, fine-- what, you want me to yell at you? 418 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,660 Yeah. 419 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:13,900 This is me yelling at you, barney. 420 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,000 I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly 421 00:17:17,060 --> 00:17:19,500 Landing on a leaf about three blocks away. 422 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,600 This is me yelling at you, barney! 423 00:17:22,660 --> 00:17:25,430 Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content. 424 00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,960 Make it hurt. 425 00:17:27,030 --> 00:17:30,160 You don't look as good in suits as you think you do! 426 00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:31,830 No, something that's true-- come on. 427 00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:33,260 The man made you cry. 428 00:17:33,330 --> 00:17:34,860 Make me cry. 429 00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:36,030 Your mom's a slut! 430 00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,660 Yes. 431 00:17:37,730 --> 00:17:40,460 Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, barney, 432 00:17:40,530 --> 00:17:42,860 But you and your brother clearly have different fathers, 433 00:17:42,930 --> 00:17:44,360 And you know why? 434 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,400 It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut! 435 00:17:46,460 --> 00:17:47,530 Keep going. 436 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,200 I don't care what you say. 437 00:17:49,260 --> 00:17:50,700 Bob barker is not your father! 438 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,160 Okay, now, well, that's just not cool. 439 00:17:53,230 --> 00:17:54,500 Oh my god, barney, I'm so sorry... 440 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,000 No, I'm kidding-- keep going. 441 00:17:56,060 --> 00:17:57,600 Bob barker's not your father! 442 00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:01,030 You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host 443 00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:02,860 Is your real father, and he's not! 444 00:18:02,930 --> 00:18:05,100 You were abandoned, barney! 445 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,060 You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, 446 00:18:07,130 --> 00:18:08,530 And so now you never allow yourself 447 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,400 To feel anything, and that's how you survive 448 00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:12,360 In this corporate world, and if I keep heading 449 00:18:12,430 --> 00:18:14,600 Down this path, I'm gonna turn into you! 450 00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:16,600 And I don't want that! 451 00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,630 I don't want any of this! 452 00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,900 This is not why I became a lawyer. 453 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,360 This is not the person that I wanted to be. 454 00:18:23,430 --> 00:18:26,060 I quit, arthur! 455 00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,360 I quit! 456 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:34,860 Well, thank you, eriksen, I needed to hear that. 457 00:18:34,930 --> 00:18:37,030 Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack you personally, 458 00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,430 It's just that i... 459 00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,460 No, no, no, the part where you said, "i quit." 460 00:18:40,530 --> 00:18:42,560 Now we don't have to pay you a severance package. 461 00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:47,460 Uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out. 462 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,360 Robin, you dropped a little ice cream... 463 00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:57,360 -Dude! -dude! -dude! 464 00:18:57,430 --> 00:18:58,600 I'm sorry. 465 00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:00,330 Don't blame this on me, marshall. 466 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,330 I told you to yell at someone beneath you. 467 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,230 The circle of screaming is... 468 00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,400 The chain of scr... 469 00:19:06,460 --> 00:19:08,800 Pyramid-- the pyramid of screaming! 470 00:19:08,860 --> 00:19:10,660 The pyramid of screaming. 471 00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:12,930 How am I supposed to tell lily? 472 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,800 She supported me through three years of law school, 473 00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:17,160 And now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back. 474 00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:19,760 Now we're gonna lose the apartment. 475 00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:22,160 The place where we were gonna raise our children. 476 00:19:22,230 --> 00:19:24,630 How am I supposed to tell the person who I love 477 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,300 More than anything in this world 478 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,000 That I've just thrown away our future? 479 00:19:33,430 --> 00:19:35,200 Everybody out, everybody out of the new car! 480 00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:36,430 Out of the new car! 481 00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:38,430 Ted, screaming never solves anything. 482 00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:42,960 And so marshall finally had to tell lily what happened. 483 00:19:43,030 --> 00:19:44,900 I'm so sorry. 484 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,360 I just lost it. 485 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,300 But I can fix it. 486 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,560 First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there 487 00:19:51,630 --> 00:19:56,700 On my hands and knees and beg for my job back. 488 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,600 No, you're not. 489 00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,760 What? 490 00:20:00,830 --> 00:20:04,960 Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment. 491 00:20:05,030 --> 00:20:07,560 And it's definitely not you being miserable 492 00:20:07,630 --> 00:20:09,030 At that horrible job. 493 00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:13,800 I'm just happy to have my husband back. 494 00:20:13,860 --> 00:20:16,530 We'll figure the rest out. 495 00:20:17,530 --> 00:20:19,800 I love you. 496 00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:21,400 I love you, too. 497 00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:25,860 Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet 498 00:20:25,930 --> 00:20:29,030 Without going bust on the apartment. 499 00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:31,900 You sure about this? 500 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,300 Yeah, who needs a car in new york city, right? 501 00:20:36,830 --> 00:20:39,130 Ted, I don't think I can accept... 502 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,100 Marshall, don't make me scream at you. 503 00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:45,100 Thanks a lot, buddy. 504 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,930 You guys did it in the car, didn't... 505 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,360 Oh, yeah!