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Kirstie is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
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- Morning.
- Morning.
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And what is that flaming
ball of light in the sky?!
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It's called the sun.
It's been all over the news.
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Hey, "true blood."
Here's your schedule.
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I'm taking two days off, remember?
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Didn't I just give you
time off to go to that spa?
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"Spa"?
My appendix burst in a cab.
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Look, I made things
"Madison Banks" simple for you.
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Beauty appointments are in blue,
performances in black.
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And what is all this in red?
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Drinking and slutting around.
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- Sorry, Arlo.
- That's cool.
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If it weren't for the red,
I might not be here.
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Look, I don't know
what I might have said
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in a moment of gin-soaked generosity,
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but cannot possibly spare you now.
It is crazy around here.
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Okay. Does this have
anything to do with me
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asking for time off
to see my ex-husband?
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[gasps]
Duke Bainbridge is in town?
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And people pay to see that acting?
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Hey, I didn't know you
were married to a Duke.
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Oh, he's not that kind of Duke.
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- My Duke is a world-class athlete.
- More like a world-class pig.
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Every time he swoops into town,
he leaves poor Thelma in a puddle.
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And I have to book all
my own appointments.
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The last time he was here,
my eyebrows looked like caterpillars.
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Maddie always hated Duke,
but he was my first love.
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We had our daughter together.
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Sure, he cheated on the road,
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but you marry Kobe Bryant,
you know what you're getting into.
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[doorbell rings]
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[gasps] That's him.
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Hey, babycakes.
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Kobe Bryant?
More like Kobe Beef.
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Duke, you look fantastic.
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I've never seen you so buff.
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Well, it's probably my new regimen.
14 hours of sleep every night.
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Call me when you get up to 24.
I'll send flowers.
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This is Arlo, Maddie's son.
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Thelma tells me you're
a big-time athlete.
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Yeah, a professional pool player.
Easy!
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Athlete has to protect his instrument.
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Athlete...
I don't think it's a real sport
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if you can dangle a
cigarette from your mouth
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while you're playing it.
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I'm sorry. My profession takes skill.
You play pretend for a living.
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"Oh, there's a gentleman
caller at the door. Dee-dee."
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I beg your pardon.
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So what?
One lousy Tony.
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I've got the Mosconi cup.
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So big, you can soak your feet
in it after a rough tournament.
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Too bad it's not big
enough for you to bathe in.
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Oy! There he is.
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Pharaoh of the felt,
sultan of the side pocket.
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- Hello, Francis.
- Hey. Uh-uh.
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Yeah, yeah.
[chuckles]
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Hey, Arlo, you see this guy?
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He can jump over the six
to kiss the frozen two
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and bank it crosstown all day long.
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Wow, that's impressive.
Or terrible.
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I don't really know the game.
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Thelma, you can have the day off,
but I want you back tonight.
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Oh, come on. Really?
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Yes.
The last time you saw him,
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you reeked of bourbon
and cue chalk for days.
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- Hang on, I don't drink bourbon.
- Oh. Maybe the bourbon is me.
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Come on, Duke, let's get out of here.
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- Okay.
- Want to get something to eat?
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Yeah, but I'm on my training diet.
Is there a Popeyes nearby?
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Hey, you sure I
can't give you a lift?
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You still smoking the skunk?
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Well, just a little bit every day,
so it doesn't become a habit.
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- We'll get a cab.
- Okay.
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[upbeat jazz music]
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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[laughter]
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Another glass, milady?
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You never called me that before.
Or poured my wine.
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Or drank wine that wasn't beer.
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Thelma, I'm sorry I wasn't
a better husband to you.
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I've really been regretting
that a lot lately.
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Wow. Listen to the new you.
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Maddie won't believe this.
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- And we're back to Maddie.
- Did I tell you?
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She texted me last night
at 3:00 A.M. to switch her
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white noise machine from
ocean waves to babbling brook.
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And she doesn't have babbling brook,
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so I had to make the noise myself.
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You've been complaining
more about Maddie than usual.
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Are you sure you're happy here?
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'Cause from where I sit, that
woman treats you like a slave.
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That's not true. If I save
enough, I can buy my freedom.
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Listen, Thelma, I've been
looking back a lot lately.
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And there's a reason
I needed to see you this trip.
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There is?
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Thelma, my womanizing
days are behind me now.
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I'm ready to make
a big change in my life.
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- Hello, I'm home.
- Spoiler alert.
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- What?
- No, I'm alerting you the spoiler's home.
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Ew. Filthy pool hall
jacket on my silk sofa.
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[thud]
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Okay, visiting hours are over.
Chop-chop.
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Put down the shotgun, pappy.
He's leaving.
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- Duke, what were you gonna tell me?
- Uh, we'll talk later.
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And hopefully, we won't.
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- Good night.
- Good night.
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[door closes]
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Always the hostess.
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I'm making myself a cup of hot cocoa.
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Wait, wait, wait.
I'll make it for you.
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You're gonna make me cocoa?
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Yes, you always make it.
We've been together 15 years.
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It's time I showed you
how much I appreciate you.
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Have a seat.
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All righty. Hot cocoa coming up.
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Now you might have to walk
me through the tricky parts,
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like where the cocoa is
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and how one might
turn it into hot cocoa.
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Just let me do it.
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So you want to come hang out
in my room and watch beaches?
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Like girlfriends do when
they're totally happy
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with their situation and
don't want to change a thing?
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- Okay. What the hell is up?
- You can't marry Duke.
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What?
W-what are you talking about?
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I found a ring in his jacket.
He's going to ask you to marry him.
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Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
That's what he was going to tell me!
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What should I do?
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I mean, he says he's changed,
but has he really changed?
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- Who changes? People...
- Oh, snap out of it!
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He's terrible for you.
Besides, we've got a great thing here.
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Oh, I know what this is about.
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You're afraid you're gonna lose
your little lapdog assistant.
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That is a damn lie!
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Although I am still
waiting for my cocoa.
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Don't bother to call me later.
The babbling brook is broken.
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You know what,
Duke was right about you.
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He is not!
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What did he say about me?
Did he mention my new hair color?
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You don't want me
to have my own life.
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You know, I didn't know
what I was gonna do,
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but you decided for me.
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I'm going over to Duke's
and tell him I'm gonna marry him.
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No, you're not.
Give me that.
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Are you crazy?
Let go of my coat!
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No!
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You are making a huge mistake.
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You're too matchy-matchy.
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[door closes]
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[whistling]
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[shouting]
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Go! Go!
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Who are you...
[yells]
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Who are you talking to?
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Kid, we got a situation.
A bird got in the house.
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What's the big deal?
It's just a bird.
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"Just a bird"?
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These bastards are
descended from dinosaurs.
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Their brains... they
got smaller and smaller,
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- but their rage grew.
- Okay.
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All right, I'm going in.
Cover your eyes.
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To birds, they're a delicacy.
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If birds had restaurants,
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they couldn't stock
enough human eyeballs.
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Aah!
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[gasps]
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Oh, my god.
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[gasps]
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Maddie's Tony....
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I killed it.
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00:09:08,691 --> 00:09:11,061
[knock on door]
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00:09:13,112 --> 00:09:15,280
Thelma, uh, this
really isn't a good time.
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I just had a huge fight with Maddie.
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Look, Duke.
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I know what you were going to ask me
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when she came in and interrupted us.
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- You do?
- Yes.
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And I want you to know...
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♪ Ah, sweet mystery of life ♪
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That you have not changed one bit.
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You're still a damn womanizer.
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♪ at last I found you... ♪
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Okay, you may have
changed a little bit.
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Gay...
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00:10:02,695 --> 00:10:06,164
- Gay?
- Gay.
186
00:10:06,198 --> 00:10:10,601
- Super gay.
- What? When?
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00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:14,706
I guess deep down
I always knew I had feelings.
188
00:10:14,724 --> 00:10:17,392
It's just hard for someone
who was raised like me
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00:10:17,426 --> 00:10:18,894
to come to terms with them.
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00:10:18,928 --> 00:10:22,046
But now that my folks
and my priest are dead,
191
00:10:22,064 --> 00:10:24,721
I figured it was time.
192
00:10:25,735 --> 00:10:29,437
So all those women on the road...
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00:10:29,488 --> 00:10:32,607
Dudes.
194
00:10:32,658 --> 00:10:36,718
- And you and Kevin are...
- Engaged.
195
00:10:36,746 --> 00:10:38,246
We're registered at Crate & Barrel.
196
00:10:38,281 --> 00:10:41,116
No one's gotten us the fish tureen yet.
197
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:44,353
We're tying the knot
tomorrow, and that's what
198
00:10:44,354 --> 00:10:47,539
I was about to tell you
when Maddie came home.
199
00:10:47,573 --> 00:10:49,090
And then it's the honeymoon.
200
00:10:49,125 --> 00:10:50,926
I've been saving myself.
201
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,844
Not really. Wink.
202
00:10:54,513 --> 00:10:57,132
Kev, dial it down just a notch.
203
00:10:57,183 --> 00:10:58,583
- All right?
- Oh, sure.
204
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:00,802
- Can you give us a moment?
- Of course.
205
00:11:00,853 --> 00:11:05,423
♪ at last I found me... ♪
206
00:11:07,259 --> 00:11:11,112
Look, Duke.
I gotta ask.
207
00:11:11,147 --> 00:11:13,865
Was it... me?
208
00:11:13,899 --> 00:11:18,286
No way.
You are all woman.
209
00:11:18,321 --> 00:11:21,957
- Yeah.
- That was the problem.
210
00:11:21,991 --> 00:11:24,108
All that traveling to pool tournaments
211
00:11:24,126 --> 00:11:27,712
left me a lot of time to
have some soul-searching,
212
00:11:27,747 --> 00:11:31,875
and one day, I could no
longer ignore the real reason
213
00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:36,004
I liked having a stick
sliding through my hands all the time...
214
00:11:36,055 --> 00:11:38,185
balls smacking balls.
215
00:11:40,092 --> 00:11:43,395
Stop explaining!
216
00:11:43,429 --> 00:11:45,347
Oh.
217
00:11:46,732 --> 00:11:52,103
- I'm sorry.
- [sighs] No. Don't be sorry.
218
00:11:52,137 --> 00:11:55,824
I'm glad you finally
figured out who you are.
219
00:11:55,858 --> 00:12:01,646
Actually, I guess a very
awkward congratulations
220
00:12:01,664 --> 00:12:04,982
- is in order.
- Thank you, babycakes.
221
00:12:05,001 --> 00:12:06,584
[laughs]
222
00:12:06,619 --> 00:12:08,336
Wait.
223
00:12:08,371 --> 00:12:13,174
Is that why we went to
see Cher for your birthday?
224
00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:16,211
Why do you think
I knew all the words?
225
00:12:20,216 --> 00:12:21,833
Seven weeks!
226
00:12:21,851 --> 00:12:25,136
No, you got to be able to replace
an award quicker than that.
227
00:12:25,170 --> 00:12:27,138
All right, look, I don't
want to go over your head,
228
00:12:27,172 --> 00:12:31,359
but let me talk to this Tony guy.
229
00:12:31,394 --> 00:12:32,894
Hello?
230
00:12:34,030 --> 00:12:35,730
Hey, did you find the bird?
231
00:12:35,781 --> 00:12:38,516
Forget about the stupid bird.
We got bigger problems.
232
00:12:38,534 --> 00:12:40,068
So you have any luck in Times Square?
233
00:12:40,119 --> 00:12:43,655
Oh, yep.
Problem...
234
00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:45,073
solution.
235
00:12:47,293 --> 00:12:49,694
- World's greatest dad?
- Yeah.
236
00:12:49,712 --> 00:12:51,413
I thought we could
replace the word "dad"
237
00:12:51,464 --> 00:12:54,365
with "performance in
a musical or comedy."
238
00:12:54,383 --> 00:12:57,886
Wow.
You really did think this through.
239
00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,055
What, are you "wacked?"
240
00:13:00,089 --> 00:13:01,923
We're not going to fool her with that!
241
00:13:01,974 --> 00:13:03,975
Thelma?
242
00:13:06,044 --> 00:13:07,595
Where's Thelma?
243
00:13:07,646 --> 00:13:09,597
I don't want to let her suffer anymore.
244
00:13:09,648 --> 00:13:12,851
I'm ready for her to apologize.
245
00:13:12,885 --> 00:13:15,353
- Well, she's not here.
- What?
246
00:13:15,387 --> 00:13:17,054
I saw her in the
lobby, like, an hour ago.
247
00:13:17,073 --> 00:13:19,491
She was all gussied up and talking
about going to City Hall.
248
00:13:19,525 --> 00:13:22,243
Oh, my god.
She's gonna elope with Duke,
249
00:13:22,278 --> 00:13:25,280
and this is all my fault.
Frank, get the car!
250
00:13:25,331 --> 00:13:28,235
We've got to stop her from being happy.
251
00:13:33,956 --> 00:13:36,207
[applause]
252
00:13:36,241 --> 00:13:38,009
Oh, my gosh.
I am so nervous.
253
00:13:38,043 --> 00:13:39,928
- I'll be right back.
- Hurry.
254
00:13:39,962 --> 00:13:45,300
You had to say that?
You know I have a shy bladder.
255
00:13:45,351 --> 00:13:47,418
Thelma, I'm so glad you're here.
256
00:13:47,436 --> 00:13:51,473
I never thought I'd say this,
but that guy completes you.
257
00:13:56,145 --> 00:13:57,812
Oh, my god. No. Thelma!
258
00:13:57,863 --> 00:13:58,980
Thelma!
259
00:13:59,031 --> 00:14:01,282
Thelma! Thelma!
260
00:14:01,317 --> 00:14:03,785
- Maddie.
- I object!
261
00:14:03,819 --> 00:14:07,104
- No one asked if anyone objected.
- But they will, and I do.
262
00:14:07,123 --> 00:14:09,240
You are about to
make a fool of yourself.
263
00:14:09,274 --> 00:14:11,576
And I'm proud to do it.
264
00:14:11,610 --> 00:14:14,445
You cannot marry these two people.
It is just wrong.
265
00:14:14,463 --> 00:14:16,113
- Come on now.
- What?
266
00:14:16,132 --> 00:14:18,249
No, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out, hear me out.
267
00:14:18,283 --> 00:14:20,135
My name is Madison Banks.
268
00:14:20,169 --> 00:14:23,838
You might know me from stage and film.
Less so film.
269
00:14:23,889 --> 00:14:28,560
Anyway, to marry these
two people is a travesty,
270
00:14:28,594 --> 00:14:32,063
a mockery of the sacred
institution of marriage.
271
00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:33,848
Have they no shame?
272
00:14:33,899 --> 00:14:36,401
When I think of them in holy matrimony,
273
00:14:36,435 --> 00:14:39,571
it makes me want to vomit.
274
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:43,324
And who are you?
275
00:14:43,359 --> 00:14:45,910
This is Kevin, the
man I'm about to marry.
276
00:14:45,945 --> 00:14:49,831
- Big fan.
- Thank you.
277
00:14:50,950 --> 00:14:54,752
- Wait. He's...
- Super gay.
278
00:14:57,373 --> 00:15:01,259
Well, then I take back
most of what I just said.
279
00:15:01,293 --> 00:15:04,929
So let's all join in
together and congratulate
280
00:15:04,964 --> 00:15:07,348
Kevin and Duke in their new marriage.
281
00:15:07,383 --> 00:15:09,017
[claps]
Who-whoo!
282
00:15:09,051 --> 00:15:11,186
Yeah, up with gay marriage!
283
00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:15,146
Right, guys?
Oh, sorry, ma'am.
284
00:15:15,774 --> 00:15:18,726
[muttering]
285
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:24,410
It was so nice to meet you, Thelma.
286
00:15:24,444 --> 00:15:27,579
And thanks for the fish tureen.
287
00:15:27,614 --> 00:15:31,233
I'll be right with you...
Mrs. Bainbridge.
288
00:15:31,251 --> 00:15:35,602
I swore you wouldn't
make me cry. Oh!
289
00:15:36,206 --> 00:15:38,791
Thelma, you're a great lady.
290
00:15:38,842 --> 00:15:42,294
I swear, if I wasn't gay,
I'd marry you all over again.
291
00:15:42,345 --> 00:15:45,214
You always know the
right thing to say.
292
00:15:45,248 --> 00:15:48,688
And then you go past it.
293
00:15:48,751 --> 00:15:50,969
Duke, I just want to say
from the bottom of my heart...
294
00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:52,921
Can it, ham bone.
295
00:15:52,939 --> 00:15:54,189
[mouths silently]
296
00:15:54,224 --> 00:15:56,308
You better treat this little lady right,
297
00:15:56,359 --> 00:16:00,696
or I'll be back, and we'll
fix these highlights too.
298
00:16:04,984 --> 00:16:07,903
I told you you were
gonna embarrass yourself.
299
00:16:07,937 --> 00:16:11,707
Oh, just so you know, I
was only looking out for you.
300
00:16:11,741 --> 00:16:14,326
We're a lot like these other couples.
301
00:16:15,879 --> 00:16:18,130
Well, not them.
302
00:16:18,164 --> 00:16:19,498
But you know what I mean.
303
00:16:19,549 --> 00:16:22,000
We've got kind of a
marriage thing going on.
304
00:16:22,051 --> 00:16:23,051
And you know what, sometimes,
305
00:16:23,086 --> 00:16:25,304
I can be a bit of a crappy husband.
306
00:16:25,338 --> 00:16:28,507
Why are you the husband?
307
00:16:28,558 --> 00:16:32,627
Because I make more money,
and I'm significantly taller.
308
00:16:32,645 --> 00:16:33,979
But you know what?
309
00:16:34,013 --> 00:16:35,797
I'm not gonna take you
for granted anymore.
310
00:16:35,815 --> 00:16:38,150
And I'm gonna give
you more vacation days.
311
00:16:38,184 --> 00:16:43,071
- I'm even gonna unplug the Thelma cam.
- I'm sorry, the what?
312
00:16:43,106 --> 00:16:47,242
The point is that I
don't want us to be unhappy.
313
00:16:47,277 --> 00:16:52,331
I never said I was unhappy.
Crazy as it is,
314
00:16:52,365 --> 00:16:55,784
you're my...
[muffled] best friend.
315
00:16:55,818 --> 00:16:59,338
Really?
I'm your... [muffled] best friend?
316
00:16:59,372 --> 00:17:03,458
Yeah.
We have a lot of laughs. [laughs]
317
00:17:03,492 --> 00:17:05,827
Mostly at your expense.
318
00:17:05,845 --> 00:17:08,830
- I got it pretty good.
- Oh. Hey, hey.
319
00:17:08,848 --> 00:17:10,766
As long as we're here,
you want to make it legal?
320
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:14,937
You mean get a restraining
order against you?
321
00:17:14,971 --> 00:17:17,672
Already in the works.
322
00:17:17,690 --> 00:17:23,645
A little super glue and tape
and a little more super glue, huh?
323
00:17:23,679 --> 00:17:26,532
[clang]
324
00:17:26,566 --> 00:17:31,353
Well, I tried.
I should just pack my things.
325
00:17:31,371 --> 00:17:33,355
Come on, Frank, she's
not going to fire you.
326
00:17:33,373 --> 00:17:38,193
Let me tell you a little story
about the cleaning lady, Soledad.
327
00:17:38,211 --> 00:17:41,863
She laid this Tony on its side
while she was dusting the piano.
328
00:17:41,881 --> 00:17:46,701
Next morning,
she's on a slow boat to Managua.
329
00:17:46,719 --> 00:17:50,038
Okay, well, that's a cleaning lady.
You're family.
330
00:17:50,056 --> 00:17:52,891
You're family.
She got rid of you.
331
00:17:54,394 --> 00:17:58,189
- Good point.
- Kid, you might not know
332
00:17:58,190 --> 00:18:01,383
this about your mother,
but she's kind of insecure,
333
00:18:01,401 --> 00:18:04,102
and this little piece
of metal validates her.
334
00:18:04,153 --> 00:18:07,773
And it just kills me that
I took that away from her.
335
00:18:07,824 --> 00:18:09,557
[laughter]
336
00:18:09,576 --> 00:18:11,393
I turn around, you're standing there.
[laughs]
337
00:18:11,411 --> 00:18:16,398
- Hey. You two okay?
- We are terrific. [laughs]
338
00:18:16,416 --> 00:18:17,950
Hey, Maddie, can I fix you a sandwich?
339
00:18:18,001 --> 00:18:22,732
Better yet,
fix us both a sandwich.
340
00:18:22,922 --> 00:18:26,008
So what are you two guys up to?
341
00:18:26,042 --> 00:18:27,926
Maddie, there's
something I got to tell you.
342
00:18:27,961 --> 00:18:29,595
No.
343
00:18:29,629 --> 00:18:31,296
It was me. I broke the...
344
00:18:31,347 --> 00:18:33,098
Aah! Birds!
345
00:18:33,132 --> 00:18:34,582
[award clatters]
Aah!
346
00:18:34,601 --> 00:18:37,585
Oh... my... god.
347
00:18:37,604 --> 00:18:38,971
Oh.
348
00:18:39,022 --> 00:18:43,525
My god.
Why?
349
00:18:43,559 --> 00:18:46,261
[screams] Why?
350
00:18:46,279 --> 00:18:51,566
Why should a dog, a horse,
a rat have life,
351
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,286
and thou, no breath at all?
352
00:18:56,706 --> 00:18:58,657
I'm good, huh?
353
00:19:00,043 --> 00:19:03,629
- But your Tony...
- Yes, my Tony.
354
00:19:03,663 --> 00:19:07,833
you know, I usually only
put the Real McCoy out
355
00:19:07,884 --> 00:19:10,452
during award season...
356
00:19:10,470 --> 00:19:12,342
but it's right around the corner.
357
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:18,310
There we are.
Now all is right with the world.
358
00:19:18,344 --> 00:19:20,479
Oh, what was it you were saying, Arlo?
You broke something?
359
00:19:20,513 --> 00:19:26,268
- I broke my high score in Donkey Kong.
- Good.
360
00:19:26,302 --> 00:19:29,521
You'll have something to
put in the Christmas letter.
361
00:19:29,572 --> 00:19:33,442
So where is that old ball
and chain with my sandwich?
362
00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:37,079
Wow. I can't believe you were
gonna take a bullet for me.
363
00:19:37,113 --> 00:19:40,832
Hey, when I came into this
looney bin, you had my back.
364
00:19:40,867 --> 00:19:43,602
I was just trying to repay the favor.
365
00:19:46,404 --> 00:19:48,355
Why are you hugging me like that?
366
00:19:48,492 --> 00:19:51,207
Because I am super-glued to the piano.
367
00:19:52,175 --> 00:19:54,520
sync & correction by f1nc0
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