1 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:10,650 ♪ THEME MUSIC 2 00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:13,650 Tonight, I eat a cabbage, 3 00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:16,650 James throws a bird out of a car 4 00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:19,650 and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America. 5 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:20,700 USB. 6 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:25,650 ♪ THEME MUSIC CONTINUES 7 00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:27,650 CHEERING 8 00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:31,650 Hello, everybody! Good evening. Thank you so much. 9 00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:33,650 Thank you, everybody. Now, 10 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:39,650 I want to start by talking about Denmark because, you see, 11 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:43,650 over the years, this tiny little country has contributed 12 00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:46,650 so much to the betterment of mankind. 13 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:50,650 It's given us interesting furniture, stylish hi-fi, 14 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:54,650 amusing children's toys and, of course, this. 15 00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:58,650 Danish bacon, Danish butter, wrapped in bread, 16 00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:01,650 to create the only known cure 17 00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:03,650 for vegetarianism. 18 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:04,650 LAUGHTER 19 00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:09,700 Denmark, however, has never made a car...until now. 20 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,650 Because Denmark has more windmills per head 21 00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:15,650 than any other country on Earth 22 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:19,650 and because Copenhagen is a cyclist's paradise, 23 00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:23,700 you know exactly what sort of car it's going to be. 24 00:01:28,700 --> 00:01:30,700 Yeah, well, it isn't. 25 00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:42,650 I was also expecting Hans Christian Andersen with windscreen wipers 26 00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:45,700 or The Little Mermaid with door handles, but no. 27 00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:52,700 What we've got instead is this. 28 00:01:55,700 --> 00:02:00,700 A 1,086 horsepower orange monster! 29 00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:08,700 It's called the Zenvo ST1 and it is extremely fast. 30 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,700 It's got a 6.8 litre V8... 31 00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:22,700 ..which is supercharged AND turbocharged. 32 00:02:24,700 --> 00:02:28,650 And that's like smearing a habanero chilli with wasabi 33 00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:30,700 and then garnishing it with dynamite. 34 00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:36,700 The net result is a speedometer that can't keep up. 35 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,700 It's just a blur. 138, 150, 170-something... 36 00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:46,700 My God! No, no idea! 37 00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:53,700 Apparently, however, flat out, it will do 233mph. 38 00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:04,650 You know those Scandinavian crime dramas, 39 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:09,700 lots of quietly thoughtful people in jumpers looking out of the window? 40 00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:16,650 This is nothing like that. Nothing at all. 41 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:20,650 So, it is very definitely a supercar. 42 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,650 And that's a problem 43 00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:26,650 because who's going to say, "No, I don't want a Ferrari 44 00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:29,650 "or a Lamborghini or a Pagani or a Bugatti 45 00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:32,650 "or a Porsche or an Audi R8 or a McLaren or an Aston Martin 46 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:37,650 "I would rather spend my money on something totally unproven, 47 00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:41,650 "preferably from a company I've never heard of?" 48 00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:43,700 I mean, why would you do that? 49 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:50,650 It's not like the engine is made from the tears of an angel 50 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:53,650 by the gods of science and precision. 51 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:56,650 What's more, it has conventional suspension 52 00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:59,700 and a heavy, steel chassis. 53 00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:04,650 However, because it's a bit last-week, you can 54 00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:07,700 have some old-fashioned fun in the corners. 55 00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:15,650 Oh-ho-ho! 56 00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:18,700 'But you can also have an accident.' 57 00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:29,650 Part of the problem is that if you engage sport or race mode, 58 00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:32,650 the traction control is disengaged. 59 00:04:32,700 --> 00:04:35,650 Now, this, according to the - oops - chief engineer, 60 00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:38,700 makes it pretty much undrivable 61 00:04:53,700 --> 00:04:54,650 He's right. 62 00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:55,700 He is right. 63 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:08,650 There were also some issues with quality. 64 00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:12,650 The lights filled with condensation, 65 00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:15,650 the rear brakes didn't seem to be working properly, 66 00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:17,650 then the clutch went. 67 00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,700 So the car had to go back to Denmark. 68 00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:25,650 After a couple of weeks, however, it was mended, 69 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,700 so the Zenvo came back. 70 00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,650 But almost immediately... 71 00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:42,650 a cooling fan went wrong. 72 00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:44,650 Fire, fire, fire! Copy that. 73 00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:47,700 So the car became even more orange. 74 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:53,700 And that was the end of that. 75 00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:58,700 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 76 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,650 That didn't do very well. 77 00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:10,650 How much is this thing? How much? Mm. 78 00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:13,650 ?800,000. 800?! 79 00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:14,650 LAUGHTER 80 00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:18,650 Yes. Are there any upsides to it? Er, upsides, yes. 81 00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:22,650 The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights. 82 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,650 LAUGHTER 83 00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:25,650 Apart from the fire? Apart from the fire... 84 00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:28,650 Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet. 85 00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:31,650 Well, it would be quiet. It was broken. 86 00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:36,650 Yes, but amazingly, they have mended it again and it's back again. 87 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:40,650 And now we can find out how fast it does a lap of our track, 88 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:45,650 or rather IF it can do a lap of our track. 89 00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:49,650 That, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver 90 00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:54,700 Some say that this week he is wearing two layers of Nomex. 91 00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,700 SLOW-BUILDING LAUGHTER 92 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:03,650 And that on a recent trip to Cornwall, 93 00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:07,650 he stopped off for one of his special big wees in Somerset. 94 00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:09,650 LAUGHTER 95 00:07:09,700 --> 00:07:11,650 All we know is he's called The Stig! 96 00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,650 CHEERING 97 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:14,650 And he's off! 98 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:18,650 Cautious start because it is soaking out there today. 99 00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:22,650 Be beautiful, though, if it catches fire. Right, first corner. 100 00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:25,700 Will it try to bite him? Nothing so far. 101 00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:30,650 Oh, no, wait, there is a bit of a nibble at the end. 102 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:34,650 DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE SINGING ON STEREO 103 00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:38,650 Absolutely no idea what The Stig is listening to. 104 00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:42,700 I do know, however, he is in full race mode. No traction control 105 00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:45,650 He is being cautious, though. 106 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:48,650 Right, through the Hammerhead. 107 00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:51,650 Oh, no, it's stepped out again, but he has managed to hold it. 108 00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:53,700 God, that is very good driving! 109 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:59,700 DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE SINGING ON STEREO 110 00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:02,650 Right, is he going to lift? 111 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:04,650 Oh, yes, he is going to lift 112 00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:07,650 because that thing is as racy as the Danish Prime Minister. 113 00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,650 Through the tyres. 114 00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,650 Only two corners left. 115 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:16,650 You can actually see it squirming on the lake where our track used to be. 116 00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:20,650 Only Gambon left before he can have a lie down. Is he going to make it? 117 00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:21,650 Is IT going to make it? 118 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:23,650 Yes, it has! 119 00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:24,650 CHEERING 120 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,650 Now... 121 00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:27,650 I have the time here. 122 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:33,700 Remember, it is an?800,000 1,000 horsepower car, so here we go. 123 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:36,650 AUDIENCE: Ohhh... 124 00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:38,650 No, it's a bit lower. Really? 125 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,650 AUDIENCE: Ohhh... 126 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:42,650 Oh-ho! 127 00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:46,650 There you go, it's 1.29.9, 128 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,650 slower than a Ford Focus. 129 00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:50,650 LAUGHTER 130 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:53,650 No, no, hang on a minute. I'm sorry. Hang on a minute. 131 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,650 Let's be fair about it. We need to look at another time for a wet lap. 132 00:08:56,700 --> 00:09:00,650 There you go. It's slower than a German saloon car. It is! 133 00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:06,650 You know this is Danish and it s orange and it's genetically flawed? 134 00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:09,650 I'm surprised they haven't called The Giraffe... 135 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,650 LAUGHTER ..and shot it. 136 00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:13,650 GROANS AND LAUGHTER 137 00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,650 He said that out loud, didn't he? He did. 138 00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:16,650 He said it out loud. 139 00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:18,650 Never mind, let's move on with the news 140 00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,650 and, well, my big news this week, certainly 141 00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:23,650 is I spent last weekend driving the new Porsche 980. 142 00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:26,650 Oh, you did! It'll be on the show later in the series. There it is. 143 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:29,650 Come on, quick, quick, now, sneak preview. What is it like? 144 00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:31,650 Well, Jennifer... 145 00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:32,650 LAUGHTER 146 00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:34,650 Funny(!) 147 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,650 Yeah, if you were watching last week, Jeremy did say on the show, 148 00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,650 on TV, that if the Porsche was faster than the McLaren, 149 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:42,650 he would change his name to Jennifer. Yes. 150 00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:46,650 Didn't you, Jennifer? Well, it won't be. See, I think it might just be. 151 00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:49,650 Honestly, it... It's staggering Really. 152 00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,650 It doesn't accelerate like most other cars. 153 00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,650 You are not conscious of it 154 00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,650 gaining speed through the gear as the revs rise. 155 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,650 It doesn't go, "Ohhh-aaahhh!" 156 00:09:57,700 --> 00:10:00,650 It just goes straight to, "Aaaaargh!" 157 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:01,650 But, Hammond... What? 158 00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:04,650 ..the McLaren has more power than the Porsche 159 00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:06,650 and is lighter than the Porsche I know. 160 00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:11,650 But listen, Jennifer, the Porsche has four-wheel-drive 161 00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,650 and four-wheel steer and on our track... 162 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,650 It will lose. 163 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,650 Listen, I'm sure the Luftwaffe were very proud 164 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,650 and pleased with the Messerschmitt Me 109. 165 00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:24,650 That was a damn good aeroplane. Yes, but it wasn't... 166 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,650 It wasn't as good as the Spitfire! 167 00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:28,650 No, you could do negative G in the Messerschmitt 109. 168 00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:34,650 May, you are as bad as he is! That is going to be humiliated. 169 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:39,650 We are going to win. When I say we, Britain is going to... 170 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:41,650 I'm all for patriotism, that's great, 171 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:44,650 but you've just got to face facts. The thing is astonishing. 172 00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:47,650 It's about how it manages those three engines... Shut up about it! 173 00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:49,650 LAUGHTER I'm with you about the British thing, 174 00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:53,650 but I sort of hope the Porsche wins, JENNIFER. 175 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:54,650 LAUGHTER 176 00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:56,650 The news has been filled with a lot of scenes 177 00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:58,650 of flood victims all waving their arms around 178 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,650 and going, "Oh, no, what are we going to do?" 179 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,650 End of the world really. 180 00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:05,650 I mean, it certainly makes me very sad because the answer, 181 00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,650 as we all know, is simple. 182 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,650 You buy a Ford transit van, cut a big hole in the floor, 183 00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:14,650 take the back doors off, couple of engines in it, fans, skirts, 184 00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:17,650 put it in the water, it sinks. That's true. 185 00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:19,650 You get another transit van, more powerful engines, 186 00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,650 totally redesigned. Here we go. 187 00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:23,650 LAUGHTER 188 00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:26,650 And it works perfectly. That IS the solution. 189 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:30,650 We predicted these floods six months ago and came up with the solution. 190 00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,650 But what is really annoying is that everybody 191 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:36,650 is blaming the floods on David Cameron, the Environment Agency 192 00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,650 pretty much anything you can name... 193 00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:41,650 Mm-mm, I know exactly who is to blame 194 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,650 for this problem everybody is having. 195 00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:45,650 Miranda Hart. 196 00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,650 LAUGHTER 197 00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:49,650 You laugh, but here's the thing 198 00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:51,650 We are sitting here now on a Sunday evening. 199 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:55,650 Eight, nine million people in Britain have chosen to watch 200 00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:58,650 some 1950s midwifery on the other side, 201 00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:00,650 so they don't know about the hover-van. 202 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:01,650 That is the problem. 203 00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:05,650 They have chosen Miranda over us and our show is 204 00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:09,650 rammed full of helpful hints and useful consumer advice. Every week! 205 00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:10,650 LAUGHTER 206 00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:13,650 Now, hey, listen, how long has the Gallardo been in production 207 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,650 17,000 years? Just over? Just over. 208 00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:18,650 I know there are cave drawings of it in the Pyrenees. There are. 209 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,650 Well, Lamborghini has announced they are stopping making it 210 00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:24,650 and are going to replace it with this. It's called the Huracan. 211 00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:27,650 600 horsepower, 5.2 litre V10, four-wheel-drive. 212 00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:28,650 None of that is interesting 213 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:32,650 because if you're interested in speed and power and handling, 214 00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:35,650 you're going to buy a Ferrari 4 8 or a McLaren 12C, aren't you? 215 00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:39,650 The only reason you want to buy a Lamborghini is because it looks mad. 216 00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:42,650 And that's very nice, but I don t think it's bonkers enough. 217 00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,650 I know what you mean. It looks nice, but... 218 00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:46,650 Yeah, it needs to be outrageous It does. 219 00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,650 Nobody should be allowed to design a Lamborghini 220 00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:53,650 unless they've just consumed two bottles of absinthe. 221 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:54,650 LAUGHTER Now you're ready! 222 00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:55,650 The essence of it is, 223 00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:58,650 it doesn't really matter how a Lamborghini drives 224 00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:01,650 because a Lamborghini is for prowling around the city 225 00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:05,650 Ferraris are for doing a 2.35 around Silverstone. 226 00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:09,650 Lamborghinis are for doing Knightsbridge at 2.35am. 227 00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:11,650 Yes, yes. LAUGHTER 228 00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:15,650 Now, there's a new type of gas which is worrying the government. 229 00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:18,650 Is it cyanide? No. Is it carbon dioxide? 230 00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,650 No, it used to be carbon dioxide. Now the days where... 231 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,650 I can hardly bring myself to say this. 232 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,650 They are very worried about a terrifying new combination 233 00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:30,650 of nitrogen and oxygen. What, you mean air? Yes. 234 00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:33,650 99% of the air that we breathe is nitrogen and oxygen, 235 00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:36,650 but the government has got his knickers in a twist about it, 236 00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:39,650 specifically about nitrogen dioxide and I've done some checking. 237 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:40,650 Bear with me on this. 238 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,650 It mostly comes from soil or stoves 239 00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:49,650 or particularly from lorries in stop-start city driving, OK? 240 00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:52,650 So the government has decided to address the problem 241 00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:58,650 by limiting cars to 60mph on the M1 just outside Sheffield. 242 00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:01,650 That's their solution. But that's got nothing to do with it! 243 00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:03,650 Isn't that like saying, "I've got toothache, 244 00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,650 "I think I'll go and have a hair cut. That will sort it." 245 00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:08,650 "Doctor, I've twisted my ankle. "You must put on a bomber jacket " 246 00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:11,650 The thing is, they actually say "Well, it's as European law, 247 00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:12,650 "so we have to lower the speed limit." 248 00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:16,650 Germans aren't, French aren't, Italians aren't, only we are. 249 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,650 And I know exactly what's happened here. 250 00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,650 You've got some guy in the government, you know... 251 00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:22,650 LAUGHTER 252 00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:23,650 You know the type. Oh, yes, right. 253 00:14:23,700 --> 00:14:27,650 OK, now, he has the power to lower the speed limit 254 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,650 and stop parents eating sandwiches in cars if kids are present, 255 00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:34,650 but what he needs to do is take a leaf out of the Queen's book. 256 00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:37,650 What, marry a Greek? No! LAUGHTER 257 00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:39,650 The Queen has the constitutional power 258 00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:40,650 to declare war on another country, 259 00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:42,650 but she never does. 260 00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:44,650 Even after a big party where she's a bit... 261 00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:46,650 and all her mates are egging her on. 262 00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:49,650 "Go on, Liz! Declare war on someone!" Can she really do that? 263 00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:52,650 Yes, she can do that, but she doesn't. "Hello is that Mr Hollande? 264 00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:56,650 "This is the Queen. WE ARE AT WAR!" I'd do that every week! 265 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:59,650 She could do that. I'd be constant... I'd do it every... 266 00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:00,650 "Oh, God, what have I done?" 267 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,650 Yeah, I would love to be a drunk Queen! 268 00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:04,700 LAUGHTER 269 00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:08,650 I didn't mean... 270 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:11,650 Shall we move it on? Yes. Yes. 271 00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:15,650 Every week, we receive thousands of letters from people that say 272 00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:19,650 "Dear Top so-called Gear, why do you never test the sort of 273 00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:22,650 "affordable cars that normal people are likely to buy and drive?" 274 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:27,650 Well, the truth is, we would love to. But the producers won't let us. 275 00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:31,650 It's frustrating, because contrary to public opinion, 276 00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,650 we really do like small, sensible little cars. 277 00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,650 I mean, he has a Fiat Panda. I have a Fiat 500. 278 00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:40,650 Yeah, and I have a very small AMG Mercedes. 279 00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,650 LAUGHTER 280 00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:43,650 Very small indeed. 281 00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:46,650 We like the way that small cars are easy to park and cheap to run, 282 00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:49,650 but, most of all, we like the way that a lot of them 283 00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,650 are very good fun to drive. 284 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,650 But the producers say they aren t, they say they're boring. 285 00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:58,650 And to prove their point, they came up with a challenge. 286 00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:03,650 Yes, they told us to choose three one-litre, three-cylinder, 287 00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:09,700 little city cars and report with them to the Crimean peninsula. 288 00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:15,650 So, here it is, at the bottom end of Ukraine, 289 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:17,700 jutting out into the Black Sea. 290 00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:26,650 The Crimean peninsula, 10,000 square miles of history, beetroot 291 00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:28,700 and girls who leave the West behind. 292 00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:34,650 And this is where we were to meet, the city of Yalta. 293 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,650 Outside the very building where Churchill, Stalin 294 00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:41,700 and Roosevelt met to carve up Europe after Hitler's defeat. 295 00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:46,650 Hammond was the first to arrive 296 00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:49,700 I have brought, as you can see, a Fiesta. 297 00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:54,650 Which is a very, very good small car in any case, 298 00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:56,650 but in this instance, particularly good, 299 00:16:56,700 --> 00:17:00,650 because this one is fitted with an absolute jewel of an engine. 300 00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,650 It's a tiny, one-litre, three-cylinder EcoBoost, 301 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:06,650 and when I say tiny, I mean REALLY tiny. 302 00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:10,650 The block of that engine would fit on an A4 piece of paper. 303 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:13,700 And it's magnificent. Right, who's that? 304 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:17,700 Oh, it's the orang-utan. Here we go. 305 00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:22,650 Congratulations. What, why? 306 00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:27,650 Because that is unquestionably the best one-litre little car 307 00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:31,650 of them all. No doubt about it. The engine in this... Yeah. 308 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:36,650 It is phenomenal. 125 horsepower, from one litre. I know! 309 00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,650 And 65 miles to the gallon. Honestly... 310 00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,650 Why are you saying these things and why, then, are you not in one? 311 00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:43,700 Why are you in that VW? It's the Up! 312 00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:49,650 Well, I brought this because I like it. Hang on, you've just.. 313 00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:54,650 No, I like it. This is brilliant. But I like this. 314 00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:55,650 Let me put it to you this way. 315 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:59,650 You can buy better dogs than my West Highland terrier, 316 00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:01,650 but I LIKE my West Highland terrier. 317 00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:04,650 Yes, it bites the postman and it lays dog eggs all over 318 00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:08,650 the kitchen and it steals food but it's brilliant! And it goes.. 319 00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:10,650 If this had ears, it would go like that... 320 00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:14,650 'Sadly, at this point, my dog impersonation was 321 00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,650 'interrupted by the arrival of Captain Interesting.' 322 00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:21,650 That's the most boring looking car I've... What is it? I'm nodding off! 323 00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:28,650 Good news! What? It's a Dacia Sandero. Is it? Yes. 324 00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,650 Anyway, we were just saying before you got here, 325 00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:33,650 this is just an epic little car 326 00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:37,650 It's quite expensive, though, isn't it? How much is it? 17,50. 327 00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:42,650 ?17,500? Yup. And how much is yours? 7,500. 328 00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:45,650 That's a big price gulf, Hammond. It is... 329 00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:47,650 I can afford to lose this and just go and buy another one 330 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:51,650 and I'm still better off than you. Look at it! It's... It looks great. 331 00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:55,650 It's anti-fashion, it's a car for people with more sense than money. 332 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:59,650 It works, it's cheap. Wow, how have they done it so cheaply?) 333 00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:02,650 You can't work it out, can you? There is no obvious... It's amazing(!) 334 00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,650 That steering wheel, what a quality item(!) 335 00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:08,650 That's exactly the same as yours! It isn't the same! It's the same SHAPE. 336 00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:11,650 And correct me if I'm wrong, it was a Renault Clio 30 years ago. 337 00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:12,650 Not 30 years ago. 338 00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:17,650 It's BASED on the underpinnings and mechanicals of the old Renault Clio. 339 00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:21,650 An old car. Basically, I've brought an iPod to a gramophone convention. 340 00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:24,650 Utter rubbish! Look at it! 341 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:28,650 'Our argument was then interrupted by the arrival of a challenge. 342 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:32,650 They still don't believe that we like small cars. But we do! 343 00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,650 I love my Fiesta. Right. 344 00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:38,650 "Between Yalta and Sevastopol, there is an excellent coast road, 345 00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:42,650 "which you would enjoy very much in a normal car. 346 00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:44,650 "But you will not be able to enjoy it 347 00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:47,700 "in your miserable little shopping carts"?! 348 00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:50,700 Hello! 349 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,650 You can't get away from the fact the Fiesta, in any guise, 350 00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:07,650 is a brilliant little car. 351 00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:09,700 The chassis is so sorted out! 352 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:16,650 I've driven the ST version, the hot one, and it is simply superb. 353 00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:21,650 What's incredible is that they haven't lost any of that liveliness, 354 00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:26,700 that excitement, that thrill, by fitting it with a tiny, tiny engine. 355 00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:31,700 It's like driving a cartoon! 356 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,650 BRAKES SQUEAL 357 00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:37,700 Squealing! 358 00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:42,650 Bit of turbo boost, bit of traction control wise. 359 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:45,700 That means I'm having fun and I'm on the ragged edge. 360 00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:48,700 Hee-hee! 361 00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:56,650 Unlike the Ford and the Dacia, the Up! doesn't have a turbocharger. 362 00:20:56,700 --> 00:21:00,700 But even so, it still feels like a determined spur. 363 00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:06,650 I'm going to get there first! Yes, I am, get out of my way! 364 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:09,650 Woo-ha-ha! 365 00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:10,700 And stick it into the bend... 366 00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:15,650 I mean, if I were in even a Ferrari on this road, I'd be thinking 367 00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:17,650 "Oh, no, I'm going to scrape my nose! 368 00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:22,650 "How much power do I need here and how much braking?" And I don't 369 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:27,700 have to worry about any of that, because the Up! has no power at all. 370 00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:32,700 You just put your foot hard down and leave it there! 371 00:21:35,700 --> 00:21:37,650 Much to the annoyance of the producers, 372 00:21:37,700 --> 00:21:41,700 we have loved our drive on the wiggly road. 373 00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:46,700 But we loved what we found at the other end of it even more. 374 00:21:49,700 --> 00:21:52,700 A disused Soviet submarine base 375 00:21:57,700 --> 00:22:01,650 Now, ordinarily, we would have to park in the car park there. 376 00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:06,700 But because our cars are so little, we won't. 377 00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:15,650 This is remarkable. 378 00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:17,650 James Bond could not have got in here! 379 00:22:17,700 --> 00:22:20,700 Because of course, his Aston Martin is too large. 380 00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:24,700 Good God! 381 00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:27,700 Look at that! 382 00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:36,650 In the event of a nuclear war, 383 00:22:36,700 --> 00:22:40,700 they could get 14 submarines in here, and 3,000 people. 384 00:22:44,700 --> 00:22:45,650 It's under a mountain! 385 00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:49,650 Yeah, it is your actual under-a-mountain submarine base 386 00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:51,700 It's full-on Bond. 387 00:22:57,700 --> 00:23:00,650 How much energy and effort was expended by MI6 388 00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:06,650 and the CIA trying to find out the details of this place? 389 00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:10,700 And here I am, driving through it! 390 00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:17,700 Sadly, we spent so long driving around the sub pen... 391 00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:23,650 ..that night was falling by the time we reached 392 00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,700 the busy city of Sevastopol. 393 00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:32,700 And here, the Up!'s lack of oomph was a bit of an issue. 394 00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:36,650 Oh, I'm being squeezed! 395 00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:42,700 I've lost it. Being strashed by a Lada 2107! 396 00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:47,650 However, because the VW is smaller than the Ford 397 00:23:47,700 --> 00:23:52,700 and the Dacia, I didn't have to park miles and miles from the hotel. 398 00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:58,650 Is that legal? No. Where does it say "no parking"? 399 00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:01,650 But it doesn't say "no parking" in a lot of places where it's 400 00:24:01,700 --> 00:24:03,650 obviously not quite right to park. 401 00:24:03,700 --> 00:24:05,700 To be fair, it doesn't say "no murdering" either. 402 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:15,650 The next morning, we continued our journey through 403 00:24:15,700 --> 00:24:19,700 a region where the hills were once soaked with British blood. 404 00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:23,650 The Crimean War may have been unfathomable, 405 00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:29,650 nobody really knew why it started, but the legacy is enormous. 406 00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:33,650 It gave us important words like balaclava and cardigan. 407 00:24:33,700 --> 00:24:35,650 It gave us Florence Nightingale 408 00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:40,650 the world's first war photographer, the world's first war reporter. 409 00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,650 The Victoria Cross was first awarded to soldiers who fought here 410 00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:46,650 And even today, the medal is made from metal 411 00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:50,700 taken from a Russian gun that was captured here. 412 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:57,700 Then, of course, there's the best-known legacy of them all. 413 00:25:03,700 --> 00:25:05,650 How's it go? 414 00:25:05,700 --> 00:25:10,650 "Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, 415 00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:12,700 "Theirs but to do and die." 416 00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:17,650 "Into the valley of death rode the 600." And that is the valley. 417 00:25:17,700 --> 00:25:21,650 That is where the Charge of the Light Brigade actually happened 418 00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:23,650 It was a misunderstood order. 419 00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:25,650 Yeah, they were supposed to go up there somewhere. 420 00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:28,650 They were supposed to snout around in the hills, looking for the Russians, 421 00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:33,650 misunderstood it, came charging over here armed with sabres, against the entire Russian 422 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:38,650 artillery here, all of it was there, pointing straight at them. 423 00:25:38,700 --> 00:25:40,650 And they were on horses with sabres. 424 00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:43,700 How could that possibly end? 425 00:25:55,700 --> 00:25:57,700 Oh, God! 426 00:25:58,700 --> 00:26:02,650 Choose your moments! Exactly. Exactly. 427 00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:07,650 "Ukraine is the second largest country in Europe, and now you will 428 00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:09,650 "drive all the way across it, 429 00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:13,650 "from here in the far south to the Belarus border in the north 430 00:26:13,700 --> 00:26:16,650 "It will be worse than those long journeys you did 431 00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:19,650 "as a kid in the back of a family car to the seaside. 432 00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:22,650 "It will be the journey from hell." 433 00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:25,650 How can it be worse than those journeys? I was a kid then! 434 00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:26,650 I was in the back of a Mark I Cortina. 435 00:26:26,700 --> 00:26:29,650 I was in the back of an Austin 1100. 436 00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:32,650 Anglia, with a hole in the floor How far is it? It doesn't... 437 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:36,650 How far is it? It's 750 miles. 438 00:26:36,700 --> 00:26:41,650 750 miles? What, in a Volkswagen Up!? That's easy. Piece of ca.. 439 00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:44,650 In these three cars - light cars - 440 00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:47,650 we shall be the modern-day Charge of the Light Brigade. 441 00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:48,700 Very good. 442 00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:54,700 Still feeling slightly baffled, we set off. 443 00:26:56,700 --> 00:27:00,650 Well, I think the producers have gone a bit soft, to be honest. 444 00:27:00,700 --> 00:27:06,650 It's just not in any way difficult, challenging... It's just... 445 00:27:06,700 --> 00:27:07,700 It's easy! 446 00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:15,700 APPLAUSE 447 00:27:17,700 --> 00:27:18,700 750 miles! 448 00:27:21,700 --> 00:27:24,650 It turned out not to be easy at all. 449 00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:27,650 Yes, in the second part of that film, 450 00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:30,650 which we'll show you later on, I was actually killed. 451 00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:31,650 Yeah, he really was. 452 00:27:31,700 --> 00:27:34,650 So, that's something for us all to look forward to. 453 00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:35,650 Yes, thank you, Hammond. 454 00:27:35,700 --> 00:27:39,650 But in the meantime, we must put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car. 455 00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:43,650 Now, my guest tonight is the only British musician who can 456 00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:48,650 drive a tank, fire a mortar and strip an assault rifle. 457 00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:50,650 Apart from Posh Spice, obviously. 458 00:27:50,700 --> 00:27:53,650 Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt! 459 00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:55,700 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 460 00:27:57,700 --> 00:28:00,650 How you doing, big man? How are you? I'm well. 461 00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:05,650 Hi there. How are you doing? Hi Hello. He's here. Have a seat. 462 00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:08,650 All right. Many whistlings! 463 00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:11,650 First of all, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. 464 00:28:11,700 --> 00:28:14,650 I'm getting married? BLEEP! 465 00:28:14,700 --> 00:28:19,650 You're getting married to the girl standing behind you. Fantastic 466 00:28:19,700 --> 00:28:22,650 Just in case you'd forgotten. No, there she is, look. 467 00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:27,650 LAUGHTER What's your name? Aah! 468 00:28:27,700 --> 00:28:30,650 That's the ticket. OK, great. So, when are you getting married? 469 00:28:30,700 --> 00:28:31,650 September. 470 00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:34,650 I'm just thinking, I know there s lots of girls here and they'll 471 00:28:34,700 --> 00:28:37,650 want me to ask lots of questions about it, but I can't think of any. 472 00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:40,650 Shall we talk about the Army? Let's talk about the Army. 473 00:28:40,700 --> 00:28:43,650 The Army's better. We've got to do the Army, it's easier. 474 00:28:43,700 --> 00:28:46,650 Now, we know you were in the Army, of course, that is well documented. 475 00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:49,650 But I think what a lot of people don't know is that you actually 476 00:28:49,700 --> 00:28:51,650 single-handedly, when you were in Kosovo, 477 00:28:51,700 --> 00:28:53,650 stopped World War III from happening. 478 00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:58,650 I'm glad you brought this up. Yeah. Because it's time the nation knew. 479 00:28:58,700 --> 00:29:01,650 Actually, it was genuinely the most incredible day of my life. 480 00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:03,700 Other than my forthcoming marriage. 481 00:29:06,700 --> 00:29:08,650 And, er... It was... 482 00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:11,650 You know, having bombed the crap out of the Serbs, 483 00:29:11,700 --> 00:29:13,650 we signed a peace accord and we pushed up to Pristina, 484 00:29:13,700 --> 00:29:17,650 the capital, and I was remarkably put as truly the first officer 485 00:29:17,700 --> 00:29:20,650 to lead 30,000 people up there, 486 00:29:20,700 --> 00:29:24,650 and when we got to the airport in Pristina, General Wesley Clark 487 00:29:24,700 --> 00:29:26,650 told us to just overrun 488 00:29:26,700 --> 00:29:30,650 and overpower the 200 Russians who had beaten us to the airport 489 00:29:30,700 --> 00:29:31,650 The American general? 490 00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:34,650 Yeah, and we asked several times - that one thing means destroy them? 491 00:29:34,700 --> 00:29:37,650 Which seemed a pretty stupid thing to do. He said destroy... 492 00:29:37,700 --> 00:29:41,650 He said overrun and overpower, definitely using some political manoeuvring in his wording. 493 00:29:41,700 --> 00:29:44,650 And after, you know, five minutes of arguing, 494 00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:47,650 a very special man called General Mike Jackson, 495 00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:49,650 an incredible character who I would follow anywhere, 496 00:29:49,700 --> 00:29:51,650 came up on the radio and said, 497 00:29:51,700 --> 00:29:53,650 "This is ridiculous, I'm not having my soldiers being 498 00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:55,650 "responsible for starting World War III, 499 00:29:55,700 --> 00:29:57,650 "let's push off somewhere else. 500 00:29:57,700 --> 00:29:59,650 And when the Russians had run out of food and water, 501 00:29:59,700 --> 00:30:04,650 they came back and asked us for food and water and we said, "Sure, if you share the airport " 502 00:30:04,700 --> 00:30:10,650 That was an order from an American to a British captain to... 503 00:30:10,700 --> 00:30:15,650 And he later then ran for president in America. I know 504 00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:17,650 Let's move on to music. We've covered the army. 505 00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:19,650 You saved the world from World War III, which is good. 506 00:30:19,700 --> 00:30:22,650 Your new album is called Moon Landing. 507 00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:25,650 Moon Landing, which I only discovered after the event 508 00:30:25,700 --> 00:30:28,650 that "moon landing" is actually in the Urban Dictionary 509 00:30:28,700 --> 00:30:31,650 as a term in the gym when two men are changing and they bend over 510 00:30:31,700 --> 00:30:35,650 and their bottoms touch accidentally. So, yeah... 511 00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:39,650 There's a single called Heart To Heart, isn't there? Yes. 512 00:30:39,700 --> 00:30:41,650 Now, forgive me for saying this my daughter, 513 00:30:41,700 --> 00:30:45,650 she said to me a couple of days ago, "I was going to tweet James 514 00:30:45,700 --> 00:30:48,650 "to say how much I love that song," but she said, "I was so worried 515 00:30:48,700 --> 00:30:52,650 "that his tweet reply would rip me apart that I haven't dared do it." 516 00:30:52,700 --> 00:30:55,650 I wouldn't abuse her, if she's nice. 517 00:30:55,700 --> 00:30:56,650 What have you just won on Twitter? 518 00:30:56,700 --> 00:30:59,650 It's something, the best twitterer... Best Comebacks. 519 00:30:59,700 --> 00:31:03,700 The Best Comebacks, from the chap over there with windswept hair 520 00:31:04,700 --> 00:31:07,650 I've actually got a few of your ones here. 521 00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:09,650 Don't they take a long time to think of? 522 00:31:09,700 --> 00:31:12,650 I would say I'm spontaneous with it, but I might be lying. 523 00:31:12,700 --> 00:31:16,650 Somebody said here, "Why have you only got 200,000 followers?" 524 00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:18,650 And you replied, "Jesus only needed 12." 525 00:31:18,700 --> 00:31:22,650 APPLAUSE 526 00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:26,650 You've got to admit... they are properly very funny. 527 00:31:26,700 --> 00:31:29,650 "James Blunt has an annoying face and a highly irritating voice. 528 00:31:29,700 --> 00:31:31,700 You went, "Yes, and no mortgage " 529 00:31:33,700 --> 00:31:37,650 Do you mind if I show them my absolute favourite? Go for it. 530 00:31:37,700 --> 00:31:40,650 The rather sarky, "Whatever happened to James Blunt?" 531 00:31:40,700 --> 00:31:41,700 And this was the picture you posted. 532 00:31:45,700 --> 00:31:48,650 What I love about you is the way that somebody is abusive to you 533 00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:52,650 and you just take it on the chin and are fine. I sob uncontrollably. 534 00:31:52,700 --> 00:31:54,650 I mean, people take Twitter far too seriously. 535 00:31:54,700 --> 00:31:56,650 It's just, there's a real world out there, 536 00:31:56,700 --> 00:31:58,650 and people seem to think that Twitter is important. 537 00:31:58,700 --> 00:32:02,700 It's just people opinions, and opinions are like arseholes 538 00:32:03,700 --> 00:32:06,650 Everyone has one. Yeah. Cars. 539 00:32:06,700 --> 00:32:10,650 When you were last here, I think 540 00:32:10,700 --> 00:32:14,650 the only car you'd ever driven at the time was a Lada. 541 00:32:14,700 --> 00:32:17,650 Yeah, I was really embarrassed about that, and I've tried to upgrade. 542 00:32:17,700 --> 00:32:19,650 I had a Lada Riva 1.3SL, for "slow". 543 00:32:19,700 --> 00:32:22,650 Because now, obviously, things have moved on dramatically. 544 00:32:22,700 --> 00:32:23,650 You've got a tuk-tuk. 545 00:32:23,700 --> 00:32:26,650 I have a tuk-tuk from Bangkok, which is awesome, three-wheeled 546 00:32:26,700 --> 00:32:30,650 vehicle, does 70mph, and I drive it around home in Ibiza. 547 00:32:30,700 --> 00:32:31,650 It does 70? 548 00:32:31,700 --> 00:32:34,650 70mph, and if you get all your mates in the back, 549 00:32:34,700 --> 00:32:37,650 you can wheelie as well, at 70mph. 550 00:32:37,700 --> 00:32:39,650 Actually, my best friend is a chap called Nin, he's Indian, 551 00:32:39,700 --> 00:32:42,650 and he insists on driving to make it look more authentic. 552 00:32:42,700 --> 00:32:44,650 LAUGHTER 553 00:32:44,700 --> 00:32:45,650 Yeah. 554 00:32:45,700 --> 00:32:49,650 When you're in London, I gather you've now got a bicycle. Yeah. 555 00:32:49,700 --> 00:32:54,650 Why do you have a bicycle? It's much, much faster and it's good exercise. 556 00:32:54,700 --> 00:32:57,650 You can lose a paunch with a bicycle. 557 00:32:57,700 --> 00:33:00,650 I've got a bicycle, and look what it's done to me. Literally. 558 00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:01,700 You're not supposed to eat it. 559 00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:07,650 Yeah... 560 00:33:07,700 --> 00:33:12,650 Now, you recently had an altercation with a paparazzi photographer, 561 00:33:12,700 --> 00:33:14,650 I believe, in the United States 562 00:33:14,700 --> 00:33:16,650 Yeah, paps are quite aggressive and yes, 563 00:33:16,700 --> 00:33:19,650 I was coming out of a party and I was with someone who 564 00:33:19,700 --> 00:33:22,650 was in the public eye as well, and they shout. Paps don't want 565 00:33:22,700 --> 00:33:24,650 an ordinary picture, they want an aggressive picture 566 00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:26,650 and they're all banging on the window, 567 00:33:26,700 --> 00:33:29,650 and one of them fell in front of the car, and what are you supposed to do? 568 00:33:29,700 --> 00:33:33,650 He's fallen down and I wouldn't want to incriminate myself by saying 569 00:33:33,700 --> 00:33:37,650 that I hadn't spotted him and touched the throttle and went gently over. 570 00:33:37,700 --> 00:33:41,700 That would be the wrong thing to do. But... But we did go over him 571 00:33:43,700 --> 00:33:45,650 Did you actually feel the dum-dum? Yes. 572 00:33:45,700 --> 00:33:48,700 Something strangely satisfying about it. 573 00:33:50,700 --> 00:33:54,650 And in the meantime, the police and the ambulance did arrive, 574 00:33:54,700 --> 00:33:57,650 but before they arrived, he got up and took pictures of more people 575 00:33:57,700 --> 00:34:00,650 They even had some film footage from another paparazzi of him 576 00:34:00,700 --> 00:34:03,650 rubbing his leg, saying, "Make it redder, make it redder, 577 00:34:03,700 --> 00:34:06,650 and when the police arrived, he said, "Poor me, I've been run over. 578 00:34:06,700 --> 00:34:08,650 But it was a very small hire car and I think it was fine. 579 00:34:08,700 --> 00:34:12,700 It wasn't a large American Cadillac? No. Get one of those next time. 580 00:34:13,700 --> 00:34:16,650 Anyway, the lap, how was it out there today? 581 00:34:16,700 --> 00:34:20,650 I think as I was driving down today, they said today was the first 582 00:34:20,700 --> 00:34:24,650 day of the year the Met Office has issued a red weather warning - 583 00:34:24,700 --> 00:34:27,650 do not leave home unless you specifically have to, 584 00:34:27,700 --> 00:34:28,650 and I've been doing laps. 585 00:34:28,700 --> 00:34:31,650 The thing is, as you know, everybody who comes down here 586 00:34:31,700 --> 00:34:34,650 goes off at the second to last corner, that's a given, really, 587 00:34:34,700 --> 00:34:38,650 but I heard that James went off on the Follow Through. 588 00:34:38,700 --> 00:34:40,650 And I followed through at the time as well! 589 00:34:40,700 --> 00:34:43,650 That's why it's called the Follow Through, 590 00:34:43,700 --> 00:34:45,650 because that's a 100mph corner, 591 00:34:45,700 --> 00:34:48,650 and you have that building in front of you, and if things start to 592 00:34:48,700 --> 00:34:52,650 go wrong through there, it's actually a slightly buttock-clenching... 593 00:34:52,700 --> 00:34:54,650 Very much. And some of your camera crew are lucky to be alive. Yeah 594 00:34:54,700 --> 00:34:58,650 Would anybody like to see this moment when one of our guests 595 00:34:58,700 --> 00:35:00,650 actually went off on the Follow Through? AUDIENCE: Yes. 596 00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:03,650 Let's have a look at this. Here we go. 597 00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:06,650 That is absolutely soaking. 598 00:35:06,700 --> 00:35:10,700 That's properly fast, and you keep your foot in it until, look at this! 599 00:35:11,700 --> 00:35:14,650 What I love about that is you did not apply the brakes 600 00:35:14,700 --> 00:35:17,650 until you were an inch from the edge of the track. 601 00:35:17,700 --> 00:35:21,650 Everyone says you're not allowed to lift off and so I tried not to. 602 00:35:21,700 --> 00:35:24,650 We're talking big cojones there 603 00:35:24,700 --> 00:35:26,650 It's actually because I couldn't see through the windscreen. 604 00:35:26,700 --> 00:35:28,650 I didn't know I was coming off. 605 00:35:28,700 --> 00:35:32,650 It started to get bumpy and green - "This has definitely gone wrong." 606 00:35:32,700 --> 00:35:37,650 Anyway, eventually, we did get a lap together. Yeah. Who'd like to see it? 607 00:35:37,700 --> 00:35:39,700 Yeah! Here we go. 608 00:35:41,700 --> 00:35:44,650 See, I think this is the Blitz spirit. 609 00:35:44,700 --> 00:35:47,700 Come on, then! BLEEP! 610 00:35:48,700 --> 00:35:51,650 It's like a BLEEP lake out here 611 00:35:51,700 --> 00:35:54,650 Yeah, nobody's complaining about the Environment Agency, 612 00:35:54,700 --> 00:35:57,700 you're going in there, "Why don t you come and clear it up?" 613 00:35:59,700 --> 00:36:00,700 That is so wet! 614 00:36:02,700 --> 00:36:04,650 Stayed on the track nicely. 615 00:36:04,700 --> 00:36:05,700 It's like ice skating. 616 00:36:06,700 --> 00:36:08,650 Not that I ice skate very often 617 00:36:08,700 --> 00:36:12,700 You really should have borrowed Richard Hammond's booster cushion. 618 00:36:13,700 --> 00:36:17,700 I needed Moses to part the sea. There's a private jet over there 619 00:36:18,700 --> 00:36:21,650 That could get me home! Ibiza, right. 620 00:36:21,700 --> 00:36:23,650 Hammerhead, probably couldn't even see the lines, 621 00:36:23,700 --> 00:36:25,700 so that's pretty impressive. 622 00:36:27,700 --> 00:36:32,650 Here we go, right, coming up to the Follow Through again. So slow. 623 00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:37,700 Up to 6,000. And again, I can't see a BLEEP thing. 624 00:36:40,700 --> 00:36:43,650 This is, I really admire you for doing this. 625 00:36:43,700 --> 00:36:48,650 A touch of the brakes, and I can't say I blame you. Through the tyres. 626 00:36:48,700 --> 00:36:53,650 No whingeing, no complaining. And, yeah, going to make that one. 627 00:36:53,700 --> 00:36:57,650 Not bad at all, actually. And it's blowing a gale. 628 00:36:57,700 --> 00:37:02,700 Whoa! It's the Jimmy Carr line! There we are. Across the line. 629 00:37:06,700 --> 00:37:09,650 That is really, properly... I've never seen it like that. 630 00:37:09,700 --> 00:37:11,650 Yeah, it was fascinating, because last time 631 00:37:11,700 --> 00:37:15,650 I came down it was wet as well, and basically, whenever you have me on, 632 00:37:15,700 --> 00:37:19,700 unsurprisingly, it is the wettest, James Blunt is the wettest lap. 633 00:37:21,700 --> 00:37:26,650 We have had two previous wet laps in the last couple of weeks. 634 00:37:26,700 --> 00:37:32,650 Hugh Bonneville at 1.50.1, Tom Hiddleston last week at 1.4.9, 635 00:37:32,700 --> 00:37:35,650 so bearing in mind, he was very wet, but nothing like... 636 00:37:35,700 --> 00:37:39,650 Not nearly as wet as me. So come on, where do you think you come? 637 00:37:39,700 --> 00:37:42,650 I really hope I haven't humiliated myself too much. 638 00:37:42,700 --> 00:37:44,650 No, you haven't humiliated yourself, 639 00:37:44,700 --> 00:37:47,650 because you went out there, which is brave enough, and you drove around 640 00:37:47,700 --> 00:37:50,650 in it, which is very marvellous and you looked determined. 641 00:37:50,700 --> 00:37:53,650 Like one of those schools where everyone's a winner. 642 00:37:53,700 --> 00:37:58,650 So there we are, fastest lap so far, 1.49.9. You did... 643 00:37:58,700 --> 00:38:00,650 1... 644 00:38:00,700 --> 00:38:03,650 49... 645 00:38:03,700 --> 00:38:06,650 4. 646 00:38:06,700 --> 00:38:08,650 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 647 00:38:08,700 --> 00:38:14,650 I have to say... That is the fastest wet lap. You are above Ron Howard. 648 00:38:14,700 --> 00:38:17,700 And just under Joss Stone. I'm always under some... Anyway 649 00:38:19,700 --> 00:38:23,700 Feel the eyes in the back of my head. Yes. I can see them. 650 00:38:25,700 --> 00:38:29,650 You're between Joss Stone and Ron Howard. That's a very odd place to be. 651 00:38:29,700 --> 00:38:32,650 That was quite something. It really was. Thank you. 652 00:38:32,700 --> 00:38:34,650 Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt! 653 00:38:34,700 --> 00:38:35,700 Thank you. 654 00:38:42,700 --> 00:38:47,650 Now, tonight we are trying to prove that we really do like small cars, 655 00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:50,650 and our producers are trying to prove that they're rubbish. 656 00:38:50,700 --> 00:38:55,650 Yes, so, they told us to drive our three one-litre hatchbacks 657 00:38:55,700 --> 00:38:56,650 all the way across Ukraine, 658 00:38:56,700 --> 00:39:00,700 a trip they said would be the journey from hell. 659 00:39:09,700 --> 00:39:13,650 Why do they think this is going to be the journey from hell? 660 00:39:13,700 --> 00:39:15,650 Driving across the Ukraine. 661 00:39:15,700 --> 00:39:18,650 We've only been here 24 hours, we've been through the Cold War 662 00:39:18,700 --> 00:39:22,650 the Second World War, the Crimean War. It's going to be tremendous. 663 00:39:22,700 --> 00:39:23,700 And I'm in my Up! 664 00:39:26,700 --> 00:39:29,650 In the not too distant past, little cars like ours 665 00:39:29,700 --> 00:39:34,650 were very spartan, but these days, if you choose your car wisely 666 00:39:34,700 --> 00:39:36,700 you get loads of stuff to play with. 667 00:39:37,700 --> 00:39:41,650 Right, Hammond, have you got your air conditioning set just so? 668 00:39:41,700 --> 00:39:43,650 I have, yes, I've set it just half a degree lower 669 00:39:43,700 --> 00:39:45,650 than would be too comfortable. 670 00:39:45,700 --> 00:39:48,650 This heated seat, I think, just to the first position. 671 00:39:48,700 --> 00:39:49,650 USB. 672 00:39:49,700 --> 00:39:53,650 AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: 'USB iPod.' 673 00:39:53,700 --> 00:39:56,650 Bluetoothed my iPod into the stereo system. 674 00:39:56,700 --> 00:39:59,650 Heated windscreen, let me try that. 675 00:39:59,700 --> 00:40:01,700 Cruise control. Haven't done that. 676 00:40:09,700 --> 00:40:11,700 Yep, a mirror on that side. 677 00:40:15,700 --> 00:40:19,650 Eventually, though, even Hammond and I ran out of things to play with, 678 00:40:19,700 --> 00:40:23,700 so we turned our attention to the Ukrainian scenery. 679 00:40:44,700 --> 00:40:48,700 A hill or two wouldn't go amiss 680 00:41:25,700 --> 00:41:28,700 Right, I admit it, this is boring. 681 00:41:30,700 --> 00:41:33,700 Do you think we're halfway there yet? 682 00:41:35,700 --> 00:41:37,650 We needed to find out. 683 00:41:37,700 --> 00:41:40,650 So, as we couldn't understand the writing on our sat-nav systems, 684 00:41:40,700 --> 00:41:44,650 we pulled over to consult a map 685 00:41:44,700 --> 00:41:46,650 We came from down here, yes? 686 00:41:46,700 --> 00:41:49,650 And we've got to go all the way there. 687 00:41:49,700 --> 00:41:51,650 We've just gone through a town called Pravda. 688 00:41:51,700 --> 00:41:54,650 We can't be further back than that. 689 00:41:54,700 --> 00:41:57,700 Maybe it's in... Can't be there. We've done that 690 00:42:01,700 --> 00:42:07,650 Oh, Christ, oh no! It's there. Don't be daft! It is! We're only here! 691 00:42:07,700 --> 00:42:11,700 We've only done that. We've only driven over the Isle of Wight. 692 00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:16,700 We've got to come here? How come.. We've only got there?! 693 00:42:18,700 --> 00:42:22,650 And that's good news. Is it? How is that good news? It's good news. 694 00:42:22,700 --> 00:42:24,650 Really? Yes. 695 00:42:24,700 --> 00:42:26,650 Instead of just sitting and, "I'm bored," 696 00:42:26,700 --> 00:42:30,650 why don't we make ourselves more rounded human beings on the journey? 697 00:42:30,700 --> 00:42:33,650 So while we're in the car we learn to do some thing? 698 00:42:33,700 --> 00:42:38,650 Exactly! We could sit there going, "I'm bored, I'm bored, I wish I wasn't doing this," 699 00:42:38,700 --> 00:42:43,650 or we can simply say, "No, we shall use this time constructively. 700 00:42:43,700 --> 00:42:48,650 We will arrive in Belarus more intelligent 701 00:42:48,700 --> 00:42:49,700 and more rounded than we are now. 702 00:42:52,700 --> 00:42:55,650 Back on the road, the self-improvement began. 703 00:42:55,700 --> 00:42:59,650 'Hello and welcome to Teach Yourself Ukrainian. Unit one. 704 00:42:59,700 --> 00:43:01,650 'Hello, what's your name?' 705 00:43:01,700 --> 00:43:03,650 "You will learn to play blues harp quickly 706 00:43:03,700 --> 00:43:07,650 "and easily by just listening to the CD." Ooh, I've got a CD! 707 00:43:07,700 --> 00:43:08,700 "And following the book." 708 00:43:09,700 --> 00:43:12,650 Viewers, you will notice I'm wearing my magic hat 709 00:43:12,700 --> 00:43:14,700 and that there is a playing card in it. 710 00:43:16,700 --> 00:43:18,650 'Karus again invites Stephen to his home to discuss 711 00:43:18,700 --> 00:43:20,650 'some business questions.' 712 00:43:20,700 --> 00:43:23,700 MAN SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN AND JEREMY REPEATS 713 00:43:27,700 --> 00:43:28,650 So that goes in there. 714 00:43:28,700 --> 00:43:32,700 BLUES HARMONICA PLAYS 715 00:43:33,700 --> 00:43:34,700 Well... 716 00:43:37,700 --> 00:43:40,700 In the mobile language lab, things were going well. 717 00:43:41,700 --> 00:43:44,700 JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN Underwear. 718 00:43:46,700 --> 00:43:49,650 And soon I felt confident enough to get us 719 00:43:49,700 --> 00:43:51,700 something to eat at a roadside cafe. 720 00:43:57,700 --> 00:43:59,700 FLIES BUZZ 721 00:44:00,700 --> 00:44:03,700 JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN 722 00:44:07,700 --> 00:44:10,650 What are you saying? I'm trying to find some food that isn't fish. 723 00:44:10,700 --> 00:44:11,650 Oh, thank you. 724 00:44:11,700 --> 00:44:15,700 JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN 725 00:44:21,700 --> 00:44:23,700 You seem to have ordered some wood. 726 00:44:25,700 --> 00:44:26,700 Jeremy then asked for some apples. 727 00:44:31,700 --> 00:44:33,700 Well, we've eaten. Shall we go? 728 00:44:40,700 --> 00:44:43,650 The next morning, after breakfast had been cleared away.. 729 00:44:43,700 --> 00:44:46,650 What?! 730 00:44:46,700 --> 00:44:49,700 ..I used my new Ukrainian skills to check the sat-nav. 731 00:44:51,700 --> 00:44:57,650 Oh, Jesus. To get to Kiev, 13 hours and 49 minutes. 732 00:44:57,700 --> 00:45:00,700 HE GROANS 733 00:45:02,700 --> 00:45:07,650 We were in a state of despair, but then, out of the fog loomed a man. 734 00:45:07,700 --> 00:45:09,700 And behind him, this. 735 00:45:11,700 --> 00:45:14,700 An abandoned nuclear missile base. 736 00:45:18,700 --> 00:45:22,650 This is the silo, is it? That's a silo. It's ever so big 737 00:45:22,700 --> 00:45:28,650 Hammond, this is an SS18, nicknamed the Satan, targeted Ross-on-Wye. 738 00:45:28,700 --> 00:45:32,650 Was it? That's what that says. Hang on a minute, though. 739 00:45:32,700 --> 00:45:35,650 It says "alternative target Chipsky Norton" there. 740 00:45:35,700 --> 00:45:37,650 LIGHTER CLICKS 741 00:45:37,700 --> 00:45:40,650 I think it must be damp! 742 00:45:40,700 --> 00:45:43,700 THEY LAUGH 743 00:45:46,700 --> 00:45:50,650 Many people complain about having to do a long drive, but on this one, 744 00:45:50,700 --> 00:45:55,650 we really had hit on a brilliant way of making the time fly by. 745 00:45:55,700 --> 00:45:59,700 HE PLAYS A FEW MOURNFUL NOTES 746 00:46:02,700 --> 00:46:06,650 Ha ha! Viewers, my hands empty, 747 00:46:06,700 --> 00:46:11,650 nothing at all in them. Now, can I... 748 00:46:11,700 --> 00:46:14,700 HE HUMS 749 00:46:17,700 --> 00:46:21,650 MAN SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN AND JEREMY REPEATS 750 00:46:21,700 --> 00:46:26,650 'Unit three. Stephen, do you have a family?' There's Stephen again. 751 00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:29,650 Everybody's called Stephen here, that's the one thing I have learned. 752 00:46:29,700 --> 00:46:33,700 Oh, God. My doves have escaped. 753 00:46:34,700 --> 00:46:38,650 My doves have got out. What doves? 754 00:46:38,700 --> 00:46:42,650 What do you mean, got out? My doves from my magic box. 755 00:46:42,700 --> 00:46:45,650 They're all over the back. They've crapped everywhere. 756 00:46:45,700 --> 00:46:50,650 Upset by the mess, OCD May ejected the culprit. 757 00:46:50,700 --> 00:46:53,650 HORN HONKS LOUDLY 758 00:46:53,700 --> 00:46:56,650 Oh, my God, there's a lorry... That is an ex-dove. 759 00:46:56,700 --> 00:47:01,650 Yeah, now, you see, the truck that hit your dove, James, 760 00:47:01,700 --> 00:47:05,650 how good are you at magic? Seriously, did it not fly away? 761 00:47:05,700 --> 00:47:08,650 You're not going to do children's parties, are you, 762 00:47:08,700 --> 00:47:11,650 because you're going to have to change your act if you are. 763 00:47:11,700 --> 00:47:13,650 "So, Sally, is this the family parrot? 764 00:47:13,700 --> 00:47:15,650 "Just watch what happens 765 00:47:15,700 --> 00:47:18,700 "when I throw it out of the window of a moving vehicle. 766 00:47:22,700 --> 00:47:25,650 Putting this tragic incident behind us 767 00:47:25,700 --> 00:47:32,700 we ploughed on, and by nightfall had reached Ukraine's capital, Kiev. 768 00:47:34,700 --> 00:47:37,650 Jeremy checked us into the hotel 769 00:47:37,700 --> 00:47:40,650 JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN 770 00:47:40,700 --> 00:47:41,650 Yeah. 771 00:47:41,700 --> 00:47:45,650 Did you just say yes to stop him talking? 772 00:47:45,700 --> 00:47:48,650 And in the bar, James did another trick that went wrong. 773 00:47:48,700 --> 00:47:50,650 Ta-da! 774 00:47:50,700 --> 00:47:54,650 I'm afraid not. You can't change your mind about the card you chose. 775 00:47:54,700 --> 00:47:57,650 That was the card you chose. You can't tell me what card I chose. 776 00:47:57,700 --> 00:47:59,650 But I know you chose that because I read your mind. 777 00:47:59,700 --> 00:48:03,650 Magicians are supposed to exercise a degree of finesse, not just bullying. 778 00:48:03,700 --> 00:48:05,700 No, it's still not. It is! That's what you chose! 779 00:48:08,700 --> 00:48:10,650 The following morning, 780 00:48:10,700 --> 00:48:14,700 we were warned there was a mob on the streets of Kiev, and there was. 781 00:48:20,700 --> 00:48:22,700 Thank you for coming, thank you so much. 782 00:48:24,700 --> 00:48:26,650 So, to get a bit of peace and quiet, 783 00:48:26,700 --> 00:48:30,700 we were told to report to the country's only racetrack... 784 00:48:32,700 --> 00:48:37,650 ..for what, chillingly, was called the final challenge. 785 00:48:37,700 --> 00:48:42,650 "Your cars will each be given exactly 23 litres of fuel, 786 00:48:42,700 --> 00:48:44,650 "which, because they're so economical, 787 00:48:44,700 --> 00:48:48,650 "should easily be enough for them to cover the 100 or so miles 788 00:48:48,700 --> 00:48:52,650 "to your destination, a town near the border with Belarus." 789 00:48:52,700 --> 00:48:56,650 Hang on, 23 litres? To do 100 miles? That's not really a challenge, is it? 790 00:48:56,700 --> 00:49:01,650 That's easy! "Your challenge is to run out before you get there." Eh? 791 00:49:01,700 --> 00:49:03,650 "This is something you will want to do, 792 00:49:03,700 --> 00:49:06,700 "as the town in question is called... 793 00:49:08,700 --> 00:49:09,700 "..Chernobyl." 794 00:49:14,700 --> 00:49:17,700 Can we actually... We can't go there, can we? 795 00:49:21,700 --> 00:49:25,650 Chernobyl was the scene of the world's worst nuclear accident. 796 00:49:25,700 --> 00:49:28,650 When reactor number four exploded in 1986, 797 00:49:28,700 --> 00:49:34,650 it released a radioactive cloud so devastating that the entire area 798 00:49:34,700 --> 00:49:38,700 will remain uninhabitable for 20,000 years. 799 00:49:39,700 --> 00:49:44,650 And unless we could make our cars do less than 20 miles to the gallon, 800 00:49:44,700 --> 00:49:47,700 this is where we'd end up. 801 00:49:48,700 --> 00:49:52,650 Ford claim mine does 65mpg. 802 00:49:52,700 --> 00:49:55,650 All the way here, this has done 60 miles to the gallon, give or take. 803 00:49:55,700 --> 00:50:00,650 Yes. How would you make these cars do 20 miles to the gallon? 804 00:50:00,700 --> 00:50:02,700 I can't imagine getting it under 30. 805 00:50:03,700 --> 00:50:07,650 After the producers had put precisely 23 litres of fuel 806 00:50:07,700 --> 00:50:11,700 in each tank, we did some preparations of our own. 807 00:50:12,700 --> 00:50:13,700 Right. 808 00:50:16,700 --> 00:50:18,650 Clever, this. 809 00:50:18,700 --> 00:50:22,650 What I'm going to do is let about 30% of the pressure out of the tyres. 810 00:50:22,700 --> 00:50:25,650 The point is, it increases rolling resistance 811 00:50:25,700 --> 00:50:27,700 which means I use more fuel. 812 00:50:35,700 --> 00:50:37,650 That is one heavy Up! 813 00:50:37,700 --> 00:50:39,650 What are you doing? 814 00:50:39,700 --> 00:50:41,650 I'm sealing all the gaps so that radioactive dust can't get in. 815 00:50:41,700 --> 00:50:45,700 What you've done there, Hammond is made it more aerodynamic. 816 00:50:47,700 --> 00:50:49,700 I have, haven't I? You have. Goodbye. 817 00:50:51,700 --> 00:50:54,650 To get through this much petrol in less than 100 miles, 818 00:50:54,700 --> 00:50:57,650 we would have to drive like maniacs. 819 00:50:57,700 --> 00:51:00,700 Three, two, one. 820 00:51:06,700 --> 00:51:10,650 ENGINES REV FURIOUSLY 821 00:51:10,700 --> 00:51:11,700 Come on! Build up the revs! 822 00:51:15,700 --> 00:51:19,700 Second gear. Right to the limiter. God, that's wasteful. 823 00:51:21,700 --> 00:51:26,650 James and I decided to go for a low-gear policy of maximum revs. 824 00:51:26,700 --> 00:51:28,700 Hammond, on the other hand... 825 00:51:30,700 --> 00:51:35,650 If I keep doing this all the way there, I'll go further. 826 00:51:35,700 --> 00:51:41,650 It will be twice the distance. This is the answer. Lock to lock. Ooh! 827 00:51:41,700 --> 00:51:43,650 TRUCK HORN BEEPS 828 00:51:43,700 --> 00:51:45,650 That's where I'm going to have to be careful, 829 00:51:45,700 --> 00:51:47,700 when there's traffic coming the other way. 830 00:51:49,700 --> 00:51:51,700 I've just realised! 831 00:51:52,700 --> 00:51:54,650 I'm driving without the lights on. 832 00:51:54,700 --> 00:51:56,650 I'm driving with the eco-engine system... 833 00:51:56,700 --> 00:51:59,650 Heated rear window, I want that on. Heated seats, yes. 834 00:51:59,700 --> 00:52:01,700 That's better. 835 00:52:05,700 --> 00:52:07,650 Probably people think this is a bit odd, 836 00:52:07,700 --> 00:52:10,700 but if they knew why I was doing it, they would understand. 837 00:52:15,700 --> 00:52:18,650 I can't believe they're making us do this, 838 00:52:18,700 --> 00:52:23,650 because it's not like the radioactivity has gone. It hasn t. 839 00:52:23,700 --> 00:52:28,650 It has a half-life, material that's left, of 245,000 years. 840 00:52:28,700 --> 00:52:32,650 And James May, obviously, can explain what a half-life is 841 00:52:32,700 --> 00:52:34,700 In fact, he probably is doing. 842 00:52:36,700 --> 00:52:39,650 A half-life is actually constant. A piece of uranium 843 00:52:39,700 --> 00:52:43,650 will have a half-life and when that half-life is passed, 844 00:52:43,700 --> 00:52:46,650 the remaining bit still has the same half-life. 845 00:52:46,700 --> 00:52:50,650 I think the word was coined by Marie Curie. 846 00:52:50,700 --> 00:52:52,650 The early 20th century was the time 847 00:52:52,700 --> 00:52:55,700 when radioactivity was identified and discovered... 848 00:52:58,700 --> 00:53:02,650 After 25 miles of red-line motoring, 849 00:53:02,700 --> 00:53:04,700 the news from the Up! still wasn't good. 850 00:53:07,700 --> 00:53:10,700 I've managed to average 23 miles to the gallon. 851 00:53:11,700 --> 00:53:14,700 I've got to get that down. How do I get that down? 852 00:53:19,700 --> 00:53:24,650 Right, the drag is now dramatically worsened. 853 00:53:24,700 --> 00:53:25,700 Meanwhile... 854 00:53:28,700 --> 00:53:32,700 I am feeling a bit sick now, if I'm honest. 855 00:53:35,700 --> 00:53:38,700 Oh, is that a police car? Oh, dear. 856 00:53:44,700 --> 00:53:46,650 There's the horrible evidence. 857 00:53:46,700 --> 00:53:50,650 At a quarter distance, 25.5 miles, 858 00:53:50,700 --> 00:53:54,650 I should have lost one of those four bars that I started with. 859 00:53:54,700 --> 00:53:56,650 But it's not happening. 860 00:53:56,700 --> 00:53:59,700 Come on, petrol! Sod off. 861 00:54:04,700 --> 00:54:07,650 OK, we've been pulled by the police. 862 00:54:07,700 --> 00:54:10,650 They were wondering why I was zigzagging. 863 00:54:10,700 --> 00:54:12,650 They're talking to the camera car in front. 864 00:54:12,700 --> 00:54:17,650 Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at max RPM to try and use some fuel 865 00:54:17,700 --> 00:54:18,700 while I'm stationary. 866 00:54:22,700 --> 00:54:25,650 Whilst Hammond was deafening the police, 867 00:54:25,700 --> 00:54:28,700 I pulled over to disable my engine management system. 868 00:54:30,700 --> 00:54:32,650 How about that! 869 00:54:32,700 --> 00:54:35,650 Engine warning light. Yes. That's what we want. 870 00:54:35,700 --> 00:54:39,650 What the engine has to do now is assume a sort of worst-case scenario, 871 00:54:39,700 --> 00:54:41,650 because it doesn't know anything about itself, 872 00:54:41,700 --> 00:54:45,650 so it will assume it's very cold, the fuel quality is bad, 873 00:54:45,700 --> 00:54:47,700 so it must be less efficient. 874 00:54:54,700 --> 00:54:57,650 30 miles from Chernobyl, all our cars were still running 875 00:54:57,700 --> 00:55:02,700 and we were trying every trick in the book to make them conk out 876 00:55:04,700 --> 00:55:06,700 Look at that for drag now! 877 00:55:09,700 --> 00:55:12,650 Brake. Then accelerate. 878 00:55:12,700 --> 00:55:15,700 Then brake. Accelerate. 879 00:55:18,700 --> 00:55:20,700 Still got three bars! Come on! 880 00:55:23,700 --> 00:55:30,700 There it is! 17.8mpg. My fuel light has come on! Oh, yeah. 881 00:55:31,700 --> 00:55:36,700 I'm doing 21 miles to the gallon. I'm not doing well enough! 882 00:55:39,700 --> 00:55:43,650 Everything's on empty. The needle, on empty. 883 00:55:43,700 --> 00:55:45,700 Come on, run out. Run out. 884 00:55:47,700 --> 00:55:51,700 It's one degree out there. Nipples are sticking out badly. 885 00:55:53,700 --> 00:55:56,700 Ah! I believe this is Richard Hammond. 886 00:55:57,700 --> 00:55:59,700 This thing should not be moving 887 00:56:01,700 --> 00:56:08,650 I'm going! I'm going! I am going! Don't tell me you've run out. Yes! 888 00:56:08,700 --> 00:56:14,700 Yes! Ha ha! Oh, bliss! It's gone 889 00:56:17,700 --> 00:56:19,650 I don't believe you. It... 890 00:56:19,700 --> 00:56:22,650 ENGINE SHUDDERS 891 00:56:22,700 --> 00:56:26,650 I don't believe you. Sit rep. 892 00:56:26,700 --> 00:56:29,650 Richard Hammond is a BLEEP. 893 00:56:29,700 --> 00:56:30,700 Go on. Go and meet your fate. 894 00:56:37,700 --> 00:56:42,700 The un-turbo-charged Up! continued onwards. And then... 895 00:56:43,700 --> 00:56:47,700 Oh, wait a minute. What do we have here? Some kind of checkpoint 896 00:56:49,700 --> 00:56:53,650 The barrier marked the start of the 30km exclusion zone, 897 00:56:53,700 --> 00:56:57,650 and now I'd have to go through it. So would James. 898 00:56:57,700 --> 00:57:01,650 But who would film what happened afterwards? 899 00:57:01,700 --> 00:57:03,650 - The three main cameramen. - Yeah. 900 00:57:03,700 --> 00:57:08,650 - They're getting in a taxi and going back to Kiev. - What(?) 901 00:57:08,700 --> 00:57:10,450 The're not going in. There they go. 902 00:57:10,500 --> 00:57:15,500 So we're filming the most dangerous thing we've ever done with 2, I don't want to be rude but, camera assistants(?) 903 00:57:16,500 --> 00:57:18,950 I actually want to thank you. - Yeah! 904 00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:23,750 Thank you very much, you're very brave You are now promoted the "official camera man". 905 00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:28,000 I know you wan't to get on in the world, but this is... this is a bit much 906 00:57:28,300 --> 00:57:31,300 Those of us who were going in made their preparations. 907 00:57:34,500 --> 00:57:39,000 Right, air on recirc. Vents, shut. (EXHALES) 908 00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:42,600 Geiger counter, ... on. 909 00:57:49,010 --> 00:57:50,500 COUNTER CLICKING 910 00:57:50,600 --> 00:57:54,600 That really is a geiger counter, And it really is going tick-tick-tick. 911 00:57:55,000 --> 00:57:58,000 COUNTER CLICKING CONTINUES 912 00:57:58,100 --> 00:58:06,100 The camera man is having to film us from the back of the land rover as usual but with the door closed. Normally the tailgate is propped open... 913 00:58:08,700 --> 00:58:10,700 COUNTER CLICKING CONTINUES 914 00:58:11,810 --> 00:58:16,510 There's something like 17 tonnes of radioactive waste 915 00:58:16,560 --> 00:58:19,470 still in the exposed reactor core. 916 00:58:20,150 --> 00:58:24,070 They're building an enormous sort of arch, really, over 917 00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:28,910 the entire site, which will seal it off, but that is not finished yet. 918 00:58:31,070 --> 00:58:35,020 With 8km to go, I had started to beg. 919 00:58:35,070 --> 00:58:38,850 Run out. Run out now. 920 00:58:40,510 --> 00:58:42,220 But it didn't. 921 00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:47,380 COUNTER CLICKING INCREASES 922 00:58:47,430 --> 00:58:50,070 That needle is definitely moving. 923 00:58:50,120 --> 00:58:53,350 Now it had become imperative we didn't run out 924 00:58:53,400 --> 00:58:55,620 until we were well past the reactor. 925 00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:58,000 COUNTER CLICKING INCREASES GREATLY 926 00:58:58,760 --> 00:59:00,130 There it is. 927 00:59:09,600 --> 00:59:13,160 That is the remains of reactor number four. 928 00:59:14,550 --> 00:59:17,160 This is unbelievable. 929 00:59:18,410 --> 00:59:20,410 COUNTER CLICKING CONTINUES THROUGHOUT 930 00:59:21,750 --> 00:59:25,230 I wouldn't want to appear to be gloating at a time like this, 931 00:59:25,280 --> 00:59:28,160 but I do still have two bars of fuel left. 932 00:59:30,060 --> 00:59:31,860 I didn't. 933 00:59:31,910 --> 00:59:37,350 Oh, my God! Don't stop now. 934 00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:40,140 And as a result, I was in serious trouble. 935 00:59:45,200 --> 00:59:49,840 This is where the people who worked at the nuclear facility all lived. 936 00:59:50,960 --> 00:59:53,980 Totally abandoned now. It has been for 28 years. 937 00:59:56,190 --> 00:59:59,060 Look at it. Look at that there. 938 01:00:01,140 --> 01:00:05,520 This has to be one of the world's most astonishing spectacles. 939 01:00:07,130 --> 01:00:10,000 Oh, my... I've seen this! 940 01:00:10,610 --> 01:00:12,610 This is it. This is the playground. 941 01:00:13,610 --> 01:00:19,500 COUNTER CLICKING INCREASES A LOT 942 01:00:20,000 --> 01:00:24,500 Whoa, big spike. It is definitely now time to get out of here. 943 01:00:31,790 --> 01:00:34,530 Come on, little Up! Don't run out now. 944 01:00:36,010 --> 01:00:38,620 Oh, that was... It coughed. 945 01:00:38,670 --> 01:00:43,500 That was a cough. It's gone. It's gone. 946 01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:55,380 AUDIENCE APPLAUSE 947 01:00:55,680 --> 01:00:59,800 Why are they applauding that? Why are you applauding? 948 01:00:59,850 --> 01:01:02,110 So how did you get out? 949 01:01:02,160 --> 01:01:06,040 I waited, thinking you would come and rescue me, which you... 950 01:01:06,090 --> 01:01:08,330 Well, I didn't, because... No, you didn't. 951 01:01:08,380 --> 01:01:12,290 We do leave a man in the field, or in this case, the contaminated city. 952 01:01:12,340 --> 01:01:17,320 - Yes, so I had to walk. - Really(?) So, any effects? - Yes. 953 01:01:17,370 --> 01:01:20,340 I've had to present this entire show with two penises. 954 01:01:21,650 --> 01:01:24,080 But then, I have been doing that for 11 years. 955 01:01:24,130 --> 01:01:25,440 Funny. 956 01:01:25,520 --> 01:01:29,170 Anyway, right, the cars, the important bit. 957 01:01:29,220 --> 01:01:32,680 Yes, and the Fiesta is brilliant. Yes, I know it is. It saved my life. 958 01:01:33,320 --> 01:01:34,450 Yes, it did. 959 01:01:34,500 --> 01:01:39,460 Yes, bu... but we must remember, the Dacia, Hammond, is £10,000 cheaper. 960 01:01:39,550 --> 01:01:41,710 Yes, because it's rubbish. 961 01:01:41,760 --> 01:01:44,390 No, but if you buy a small car, you want it to be cheap. 962 01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:49,300 No, you want it to be good. Actually, you want it to be both. 963 01:01:49,350 --> 01:01:51,420 Yes, but the Up! is neither. 964 01:01:51,470 --> 01:01:55,530 Listen, May, you said the Up! was brilliant and intelligent. 965 01:01:55,580 --> 01:01:57,150 When did I say that? 966 01:01:57,200 --> 01:02:00,780 You wrote it in a road test in a magazine about 18 months ago. 967 01:02:02,150 --> 01:02:04,870 I was rather hoping you wouldn't have read that. 968 01:02:04,920 --> 01:02:06,310 Yes, but I did read it. 969 01:02:06,360 --> 01:02:08,450 So once again, it turns out that on this show, 970 01:02:08,500 --> 01:02:12,910 I am the voice of reason and common sense. Really? 971 01:02:12,960 --> 01:02:15,430 Yes, and the Up! is the small car to buy. 972 01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:18,350 Not that one, though, because that's been irradiated. 973 01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:20,920 Yes, actually, Hammond, you are sitting on it, 974 01:02:20,970 --> 01:02:23,560 which means you now have a radioactive anus. 975 01:02:23,610 --> 01:02:25,570 Ah! 976 01:02:25,620 --> 01:02:29,570 And on that bum-shell, it's time to end. Thank you so much for watching. 977 01:02:29,620 --> 01:02:31,310 See you next week. Good night. 978 01:02:33,000 --> 01:03:00,000 ♪ THEME MUSIC PLAYS OUT