1 00:00:01,250 --> 00:00:05,686 Krieger: Okay, specs are all in the green. So, let me just reboot the 2 00:00:05,821 --> 00:00:10,992 CPU, and... Beep boop, you are no longer a cripple. 3 00:00:11,126 --> 00:00:13,995 - Ray: One, two, three, Go Herd. - Krieger: Well? 4 00:00:14,129 --> 00:00:16,998 Ray: Well? Well, you could've done this weeks ago! 5 00:00:17,132 --> 00:00:21,535 - So it's about goddamn time! - Krieger: Ooh, hang on a sec? [Ray yells] 6 00:00:21,670 --> 00:00:25,606 - Yeah, touchy thing, bionics. You were saying? - Ray: Thank you. 7 00:00:25,741 --> 00:00:29,076 - Krieger: No, what were you saying like you meant it? - Ray: Thank you, Krieger, 8 00:00:29,211 --> 00:00:33,214 - for once again giving me the precious gift of legs. - Krieger: You're welcome. 9 00:00:33,348 --> 00:00:38,301 Ray: Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch. 10 00:00:38,336 --> 00:00:42,089 Malory: Ha! Perfect, this is absolutely perfect. 11 00:00:42,224 --> 00:00:45,259 - Cherlene! - Cyril: Ow! God! Come on! 12 00:00:45,394 --> 00:00:48,796 - Lana: Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby. - Malory: Oh, shut up. Cher... 13 00:00:48,930 --> 00:00:53,467 - Cherlene: What?! Goddamn, woman, inside voice! - Malory: How... 14 00:00:53,602 --> 00:00:58,673 would you, my little country songbird, like to be on Travis County Limits? 15 00:00:58,708 --> 00:01:01,342 - Cyril: Ooh, is that like Austin City Limits? - Malory: It's comparable, 16 00:01:01,476 --> 00:01:05,243 - hush. Cherlene? - Cherlene: I don't know. I guess. 17 00:01:05,278 --> 00:01:10,302 Malory: You... would be wonderful, and it would be wonderful publicity, and... 18 00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:14,152 - wonderful. - Cherlene: [groans] All right. When is it? 19 00:01:14,211 --> 00:01:17,552 Malory: Tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today. I don't want you 20 00:01:17,587 --> 00:01:19,882 - flying the same day you're performing. - Cherlene: Oh, don't worry about that. 21 00:01:19,917 --> 00:01:22,680 - Malory: Well, but... - Cherlene: Because Cherlene don't fly. 22 00:01:22,715 --> 00:01:26,031 Malory: Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows 23 00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:28,936 what those tuberculars in coach are... Excuse me?! 24 00:01:28,969 --> 00:01:33,673 - Cherlene: I don't fly. - Malory: I... but-but I've seen you fly. 25 00:01:33,807 --> 00:01:36,843 - Cherlene: Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly. - Lana: In a helicopter, the 26 00:01:36,977 --> 00:01:40,546 - space shuttle... - Pam: Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp? 27 00:01:40,681 --> 00:01:43,716 - Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. - Archer: What, how are you all 28 00:01:43,851 --> 00:01:46,819 - so goddamn loud? - Lana: Could you not find a punch bowl? 29 00:01:46,954 --> 00:01:51,658 Archer: It was too heavy. [loud crashing nearby] [Woodhouse grunting] 30 00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:57,597 [grunting and crashing continues] 31 00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:03,289 [groans] 32 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:07,540 Archer: And also too spilly. Now, what's with all the yelling? 33 00:02:07,675 --> 00:02:10,710 Malory: I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits, and... 34 00:02:10,844 --> 00:02:12,724 - Archer: Is that like...? - Malory: It's comparable! 35 00:02:12,751 --> 00:02:16,335 - But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly. - Archer: Wait, really? 36 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,636 So you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas? 37 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,486 - Malory: Well, 36 but... - Archer: But after we get a bus 38 00:02:22,485 --> 00:02:25,892 - and a blocker car it'll be 24, right? - Malory: What? 39 00:02:26,026 --> 00:02:28,202 - Lana: Oh. Oh, God, no. - Archer: Yes! 40 00:02:28,203 --> 00:02:29,780 - Lana: Archer? - Archer: Lana! 41 00:02:29,781 --> 00:02:31,931 Malory: Sterling! What are you talking about? 42 00:02:32,066 --> 00:02:34,914 - Lana: Smokey and the goddamn Bandit. - Malory: What? 43 00:02:34,950 --> 00:02:38,805 - Archer: We're going # Eastbound and down! # - Malory: I will never 44 00:02:38,939 --> 00:02:42,302 understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds 45 00:02:42,337 --> 00:02:46,135 - Smokey trucker nonsense. - Lana: I think part of it is because you didn't get him 46 00:02:46,157 --> 00:02:51,317 - that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday. - Malory: Wha...? He was 30! 47 00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:25,389 5x05 - Archer Vice: Southbound and Down 48 00:03:25,948 --> 00:03:28,684 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 49 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,757 - Lana: And words fail me. I have no words. - Archer: How about 50 00:03:33,891 --> 00:03:37,427 - ten-goddamn-four?! - Malory: How about how much did this cost? 51 00:03:37,561 --> 00:03:40,697 - Cherlene: How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Woooooo! - Archer: You know what they say... 52 00:03:40,831 --> 00:03:44,470 - can't put a price on free advertising. - Malory: No, they don't, 53 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,604 - and free this isn't. - Archer: Exactly. How much are they 54 00:03:47,738 --> 00:03:50,630 - paying Cherlene? - Malory: It's public television, they don't pay 55 00:03:50,643 --> 00:03:54,477 anything. All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes... 56 00:03:54,612 --> 00:03:58,775 - Lana: Or donations, whatever. - Malory: Of pre-tax dollars from pot-taking 57 00:03:58,848 --> 00:04:04,554 Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants, 58 00:04:04,689 --> 00:04:08,261 launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back 59 00:04:08,312 --> 00:04:13,797 - out to pro-abortion, super-PACs! - Lana: Still no words. [Pam grunting] 60 00:04:13,931 --> 00:04:18,653 - And, wow, maybe I have aphasia. - Malory: Where do you think you're going? 61 00:04:18,688 --> 00:04:20,503 Archer: She's driving the bus. Mother, get on the bus. 62 00:04:20,638 --> 00:04:23,673 - Lana, you're riding with me. - Lana: In what? 63 00:04:23,808 --> 00:04:26,117 [tires screeching] 64 00:04:26,152 --> 00:04:29,479 Archer: In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle. 65 00:04:29,613 --> 00:04:32,482 - Malory: The what? - Lana: Okay, first of all... 66 00:04:32,616 --> 00:04:36,458 - Malory: How much did that cost? - Archer: Well, again, it's advertising, so... 67 00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:39,223 - Malory: For what? - Archer: Hmm, I guess Pontiac? 68 00:04:39,258 --> 00:04:41,591 - Malory: God. - Archer: And where are you going? 69 00:04:41,726 --> 00:04:45,729 Lana: Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in 70 00:04:45,863 --> 00:04:48,732 - a car with T-tops and a four-barrel. - Archer: Wha... Who's gonna do 71 00:04:48,866 --> 00:04:52,762 snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction? 72 00:04:53,971 --> 00:04:57,807 I'm so angry right now I can't even... [sniffs] 73 00:04:57,942 --> 00:05:02,242 Oh, goddamn it! Did you fart in that? [Pam laughing] 74 00:05:07,952 --> 00:05:12,766 - Lana: Damn it, Cyril, slow down! - Malory: Cyril, do nothing of the sort! 75 00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:16,600 Because if we miss that taping, I won't be responsible for my actions. 76 00:05:16,635 --> 00:05:18,695 - Lana: Are you ever? - Malory: She said, single and 77 00:05:18,829 --> 00:05:23,287 - pregnant. Oh, wait. - Cyril: Can you two please go... 78 00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:27,537 anywhere else? It's bad enough I have to drive 24 hours straight. 79 00:05:27,671 --> 00:05:31,508 Lana: Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project. 80 00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:36,248 - Ray: This quit being funny two hours ago! - Krieger: It's not supposed to be funny. 81 00:05:36,283 --> 00:05:39,549 Malory: So shut up and drive the damn bus! 82 00:05:39,683 --> 00:05:43,686 Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal. 83 00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:47,710 - Lana: Right, and your 10 percent of it. - Malory: Or 50 or whatever. 84 00:05:47,745 --> 00:05:49,426 - Lana: What? - Cyril: 50, really? 85 00:05:49,427 --> 00:05:52,549 Lana: Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker? 86 00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:54,631 - Nothing? - Cyril: Meh. 87 00:05:54,765 --> 00:05:57,867 Malory: And not that I care what any of you think, about anything, but I lost everything 88 00:05:58,002 --> 00:06:02,873 when the Feds took ISIS, and Ron took what little I had left, so now I need to 89 00:06:02,874 --> 00:06:07,744 make it back somehow. And I'm not doing that selling cocaine, thanks to Sterling, 90 00:06:07,878 --> 00:06:12,132 who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying. 91 00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:15,769 Archer: Hey, so... yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's 92 00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:17,854 holding down the talk-button thingy? 93 00:06:17,988 --> 00:06:21,691 - Cyril: Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer. - Lana: Exactly the opposite 94 00:06:21,826 --> 00:06:24,694 - of how it works. - Cyril: What? Oh. 95 00:06:24,829 --> 00:06:29,311 - Uh, sorry, Archer. [Archer sighs] - Archer: Ten-ten-four, good buddy. 96 00:06:29,346 --> 00:06:33,884 - Malory: Sterling? - Cyril: Well, he can't hear you now, I... ow! 97 00:06:34,319 --> 00:06:39,320 - Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?! - Pam [laughing]: Ouch! 98 00:06:39,321 --> 00:06:42,836 - Archer: Shut up. - Pam: Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard 99 00:06:42,871 --> 00:06:46,883 her say that. That's got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack. 100 00:06:47,017 --> 00:06:50,954 Archer: Well, I guess it would be, if A: I weren't the world's greatest spy. 101 00:06:51,088 --> 00:06:52,555 - Pam: Eh. - Archer: Shut up, 102 00:06:52,556 --> 00:06:54,757 and B: If they weren't sitting on a 103 00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:57,132 - hundred pounds of coke. - Pam: What?! 104 00:06:57,247 --> 00:07:01,698 - Archer: Affirmatory, good buddy! - Pam: Holy dickburn! So you got a buyer lined up 105 00:07:01,832 --> 00:07:05,935 - in Texas and everything?! - Archer: Well, not exactly, or at all, but, Pam, come on. 106 00:07:06,070 --> 00:07:09,819 We're talking about Texas. Somebody, somewhere, wants enough 107 00:07:09,918 --> 00:07:13,042 - cocaine to forget they live there. - Pam: Yeah, but not 100 pounds. 108 00:07:13,177 --> 00:07:17,530 Archer: Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide. 109 00:07:17,982 --> 00:07:21,918 Pam: Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school 110 00:07:22,052 --> 00:07:24,921 football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to. 111 00:07:25,055 --> 00:07:29,459 - Archer: Jesus, Pam, I was kidding. - Pam: [laughs] Duh, me too, lickbag. 112 00:07:29,494 --> 00:07:31,707 Archer: Well, but see if there is one, just 113 00:07:31,798 --> 00:07:35,765 - for shits and giggles. - Pam: Um, so, hey, speaking of... 114 00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:38,739 Archer: The hat fart was technically a shart? [laughs] 115 00:07:40,004 --> 00:07:44,974 - How are you still single? - Pam: Right? [chomps] 116 00:07:45,109 --> 00:07:47,710 [belches] 117 00:07:52,721 --> 00:07:55,623 Lana: Cyril! [Cyril screams] Goddamn it! 118 00:07:55,757 --> 00:07:58,726 - Cyril: I'm-I'm sorry! - Malory: What the hell is going on up here?! 119 00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:01,862 - Cyril: I must've dozed off! - Lana: Really? You don't just hate signs? 120 00:08:01,997 --> 00:08:05,666 - Cyril: No, Lana, I don't ha... Ow! - Lana: In addition to sushi, 121 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:10,638 booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes! 122 00:08:10,772 --> 00:08:14,742 - So stay awake! - Cyril: I'm trying, but 18 hours? 123 00:08:14,876 --> 00:08:17,636 - I don't know how Pam's doing it. - Lana: Seriously? 124 00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:21,557 Pam: Woooooo!! [laughs] 125 00:08:21,592 --> 00:08:23,884 [Archer yells] Archer: What the...?! 126 00:08:24,019 --> 00:08:26,935 - Pam: Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas! - Archer: Already? 127 00:08:27,027 --> 00:08:31,480 - What the shit, Pam?! - Pam: That's how we do backseat drivers. 128 00:08:31,586 --> 00:08:34,218 - Archer: I was driving! - Pam: Yeah, and sucking at it. 129 00:08:34,297 --> 00:08:38,917 - Archer: Goddamn it! How long was I out? - Pam: Like, 12 hours? Five states, 130 00:08:39,028 --> 00:08:41,349 dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops. 131 00:08:41,350 --> 00:08:43,671 Trucker [over CB]: Uh, breaker breaker, you got your 132 00:08:43,805 --> 00:08:45,850 - ears on, Snowball? Come back. - Pam: Hang on. 133 00:08:45,947 --> 00:08:49,593 Archer: Your handle is Snowball?! Like Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey-verse?! 134 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:52,813 - Pam: Who? - Archer: Oh. Is it from from the cupcake? 135 00:08:52,948 --> 00:08:57,618 - Pam: Cupcakes? Oh! [laughs] Oh, no. - Archer: Then what's it...? 136 00:08:57,752 --> 00:09:00,754 Pam: Truck stops... are crazy awesome! This is Snowball, good buddy. 137 00:09:00,889 --> 00:09:04,447 - Trucker: You might wanna check your six, Snowball. - Archer: Ew, is that about the shart?! 138 00:09:04,482 --> 00:09:07,594 - Pam: Wha...? No, lickbag! - Archer: It was a reasonable assumption. 139 00:09:07,729 --> 00:09:10,740 - Pam: What the...? - Trucker: Looks like you got 140 00:09:10,775 --> 00:09:13,634 - a chain gang knocking on your back door. - Archer: Bikers? 141 00:09:13,768 --> 00:09:16,937 - What the hell do they want? - Cyril: I think they want us to pull over. 142 00:09:17,072 --> 00:09:19,807 - Malory: Obviously, you idiot! Why?! - Cherlene: Kidnapping! 143 00:09:19,941 --> 00:09:23,877 It's a kidnapping, it's a kidnapping to kidnap me, Cherlene! 144 00:09:24,012 --> 00:09:27,614 - Lana: Why would bikers want to kidnap you? - Malory: Why would anyone? 145 00:09:27,749 --> 00:09:29,950 - Cyril: Yeah, you're not even famous. - Cherlene: Yet! Duh! 146 00:09:30,085 --> 00:09:33,954 - Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr. Now pull over! - Lana: We are not... 147 00:09:34,089 --> 00:09:38,514 Cherlene: Hey, treebeard! Take me with you! You can do unspeakable 148 00:09:38,561 --> 00:09:43,764 - things to and/or on me! I... [shrieks] - Lana: You are not getting 149 00:09:43,898 --> 00:09:47,456 - kidnapped just to boost your singing career! - Malory: Well, now wait a minute. 150 00:09:47,491 --> 00:09:49,770 Archer: Wait a minute! Did you tell anybody 151 00:09:49,904 --> 00:09:52,673 - we were hauling a shitload of coke?! - Pam: Uh... 152 00:09:52,807 --> 00:09:55,420 [phone rings] 153 00:09:55,421 --> 00:10:00,647 - Mmm... maybe. - Archer: Maybe?! 154 00:10:00,782 --> 00:10:03,684 - Pam: Or definitely. Or whatever. - Archer: Goddamn it, Pam! 155 00:10:03,818 --> 00:10:06,901 - Pam: I wanted people to like me. - Archer: People who like you because you have 156 00:10:06,919 --> 00:10:10,991 cocaine aren't people you want as friends, Pam. And not to sound elitist, 157 00:10:11,126 --> 00:10:14,895 but neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower! 158 00:10:15,030 --> 00:10:18,999 Pam: It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or... 159 00:10:19,134 --> 00:10:23,971 Archer: Wow! I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow just got even angrier! 160 00:10:24,105 --> 00:10:26,468 - Pam: What the heck are you looking for? - Lana: Gun! 161 00:10:26,606 --> 00:10:31,966 - Gun-gun-gun-gun! Cyril look out! - Cyril: No! [all yelling] 162 00:10:31,983 --> 00:10:36,850 - Cyril: Oh, God! [bikers scream] - Pam: They're shooting at them! 163 00:10:36,985 --> 00:10:40,175 Archer: And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam, 164 00:10:40,285 --> 00:10:43,190 - but somehow, I can't find my gun! - Pam: Huh. 165 00:10:43,324 --> 00:10:47,058 - Malory: For the love of God, just pull over! - Cyril: Uh, okay. 166 00:10:47,093 --> 00:10:48,862 - Lana: Cyril, do not stop this bus! - Cyril: Okay! 167 00:10:48,997 --> 00:10:52,653 Malory: Let's just give them Cherlene. That is the very definition of a win-win! 168 00:10:52,688 --> 00:10:54,148 - Cherlene: Yes! - Lana: No! 169 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,071 - Cherlene: Why do you always ruin everything for me?! - Lana: Why do you always never shut up?! 170 00:10:57,205 --> 00:11:00,808 Archer: Because where the hell is my gun?! 171 00:11:00,942 --> 00:11:06,947 Pam: Are you, like, sure you brought it? [gunfire, both scream] 172 00:11:07,082 --> 00:11:10,050 - Lana: Ugh! Move! [Cyril gasps] - Malory: Oh, shut up. 173 00:11:10,185 --> 00:11:13,620 Lana: Seriously. [tires squeal, horns blare] 174 00:11:15,924 --> 00:11:17,891 [bikers scream] 175 00:11:21,062 --> 00:11:25,065 Archer: Where's my gun, Pam?! What, did you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too?! 176 00:11:25,077 --> 00:11:29,524 Pam: Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps. 177 00:11:29,629 --> 00:11:35,876 And apparently I'm not good at it. [Pam screams] 178 00:11:36,010 --> 00:11:40,848 - Cyril: Lana, Lana, Lana! - Lana: Thank you, Cyril, I have eyeballs! 179 00:11:43,118 --> 00:11:44,786 [biker screams] 180 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:50,194 [Lana chuckles] Lana: Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll! 181 00:11:50,229 --> 00:11:53,526 - Shit! [all scream, tires screech] - Archer: Because even 182 00:11:53,539 --> 00:11:58,098 a goddamn baby knows, in craps, you never bet on the hard ways! Ow! 183 00:11:58,233 --> 00:12:04,771 - Oh shi... - All: ...it! [both screaming] 184 00:12:10,212 --> 00:12:14,047 - Pam: You mad? - Archer: Give ya three guesses, Pam. 185 00:12:14,182 --> 00:12:19,086 Pam: No? No? No? 186 00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:22,797 Archer: Wrong, Pam. Although I bet I'm not as mad as Mother's gonna be 187 00:12:22,794 --> 00:12:25,812 - when I tell her this was all your fault! - Pam: Aw, come on, Archer, 188 00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:29,843 - don't do that! That's not what good buddies do! - Archer: Okay, first of all, 189 00:12:29,847 --> 00:12:34,134 - you have wildly misjudged our relationship! - Lana: Archer! 190 00:12:34,269 --> 00:12:37,068 - Archer: Lana! - Pam: Yeah, you're one to talk. 191 00:12:37,103 --> 00:12:40,974 - Archer: And you're lucky I don't have my gun! - Malory: And just why the hell don't you?! 192 00:12:41,109 --> 00:12:44,111 Archer: Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam! 193 00:12:44,245 --> 00:12:48,520 - Pam: Oh, come on, please? - Archer: I...! [groans] 194 00:12:48,548 --> 00:12:53,086 - I-I didn't think I would need it. - Cherlene: [gasps] You didn't think?! 195 00:12:53,221 --> 00:12:56,051 Well, it's a good damn thing I ain't paying you to think! 196 00:12:56,052 --> 00:12:57,938 Archer: Yeah, you're not actually pay... Ow! 197 00:12:57,973 --> 00:13:01,500 Cherlene: The quite-soon-to-be-number-one country singer in America?! 198 00:13:01,535 --> 00:13:04,164 And you don't think I'm a kidnapping risk?! 199 00:13:04,299 --> 00:13:07,968 - Archer: Wait... you do? Ow! - Lana: Yeah, you know, 200 00:13:08,102 --> 00:13:11,071 I'm with Archer. I think those bikers just wanted to rob us, or... 201 00:13:11,206 --> 00:13:16,977 Pam: What?! I mean, that's just absolutely crazy. We have nothing. 202 00:13:17,111 --> 00:13:19,260 Malory: Well, I would like to revisit this whole 203 00:13:19,261 --> 00:13:22,485 kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has 204 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:26,853 - a show in two hours and we've still got... - Cyril: I think about a hundred miles. 205 00:13:26,988 --> 00:13:30,057 Lana: And one extremely flat tire, so... 206 00:13:30,191 --> 00:13:31,625 [screams] 207 00:13:31,626 --> 00:13:35,929 Cherlene: Fix it! I will be on my tour bus 208 00:13:36,064 --> 00:13:38,926 - putting whiskey and glue inside me. - Malory: You heard her. Fix it. 209 00:13:38,961 --> 00:13:41,462 Pam: Yeah, you guys chill on the bus. 210 00:13:41,540 --> 00:13:44,972 - I'll help lickbag here change the tire. - Malory: Oh, my God. 211 00:13:45,106 --> 00:13:49,877 Pam: Sorry, I had to sell it. Chop-chop! Get the lead out, lickbag! 212 00:13:49,942 --> 00:13:53,181 Archer: [sighs] And what's with the "lickbag" stuff? 213 00:13:53,217 --> 00:13:57,217 [laughing] It's your CB handle! I told it to everybody from here to Kentucky! 214 00:13:57,352 --> 00:14:01,989 [clicks tongue] Good buddy. [chomps] 215 00:14:04,236 --> 00:14:08,940 Archer: [grunting] Whew! Okay, that's got it. 216 00:14:09,074 --> 00:14:12,710 - Malory: Well, it took you long enough. - Archer: Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes 217 00:14:12,745 --> 00:14:15,013 - start to finish, what an incompetent boob. - Malory: Your words. 218 00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:18,149 - Archer: You know... - Cherlene: Rrrgh! Can we freaking go already?! 219 00:14:18,284 --> 00:14:22,552 Pam: Yeah, whatcha waiting for, lickbag? [belches] 220 00:14:23,569 --> 00:14:26,517 [engine accelerating, tires squealing] 221 00:14:26,518 --> 00:14:28,882 [freestyle scatting] 222 00:14:28,917 --> 00:14:32,953 - [clears throat] Ten-four. - Lana: So, I think we may have a problem. 223 00:14:32,988 --> 00:14:36,423 Archer: Yeah, no shit. I keep waiting for her to have a heart attack, but... 224 00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,069 - Lana: Not Pam. - Pam: Yay! 225 00:14:38,204 --> 00:14:41,806 - Lana: The cops. - Pam: Boo. 226 00:14:41,941 --> 00:14:44,175 - Archer: Oh, shit! [siren wailing] - Lana: Yeah, I'm gonna pull over. 227 00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:47,912 - Malory: No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes! - Lana: What do you want me to 228 00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:51,015 - do, run from the cops? - Malory: I want you to take that exit for the venue. 229 00:14:51,150 --> 00:14:54,790 Let Sterling deal with this in that ridiculous blocker car. 230 00:14:54,791 --> 00:14:57,218 Archer: Yeah, good, you guys get out of here; 231 00:14:57,253 --> 00:14:59,991 - we'll lure them away and outrun them. - Pam: In this shit-heap? 232 00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:03,194 - Are you nuts?! - Archer: Are you? You want them to get 233 00:15:03,329 --> 00:15:07,599 - pulled over with 50 pounds of cocaine? - All: What?! 234 00:15:07,611 --> 00:15:12,103 - Archer: Or kilos, or whatever. - Malory: You put 50 kilos of cocaine on this bus 235 00:15:12,238 --> 00:15:16,439 - without my permission?! Sterling?! - Lana: You have to press the button. 236 00:15:16,474 --> 00:15:18,042 - Malory: The what? - Lana: Oh, for... You dated 237 00:15:18,177 --> 00:15:21,112 - Burt Reynolds! - Pam: They don't have the coke, lickbag! 238 00:15:21,247 --> 00:15:24,949 - We do! Right here in the Trans Am! - Malory: Oh. 239 00:15:25,084 --> 00:15:26,884 Well, then problem solved. 240 00:15:28,187 --> 00:15:32,090 [sirens wailing] Archer: So, I have a question. 241 00:15:32,224 --> 00:15:35,193 Pam: I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that... 242 00:15:35,327 --> 00:15:38,997 Archer: That because of your fat, blabbering mouth Lana would get caught with it 243 00:15:39,131 --> 00:15:41,149 and have to have her baby in prison? 244 00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:43,167 Or because you were low on cupcakes?! 245 00:15:43,302 --> 00:15:46,995 [tires squealing] Pam: Does the why really matter? 246 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:51,042 Cherlene: ♪ Eastbound and down ♪ ♪ Loaded up and truckin' ♪ 247 00:15:51,176 --> 00:15:54,659 ♪ We gonna do what they say can't be done ♪ 248 00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:59,466 ♪ We got a long way to go ♪ ♪ And a short time to get... ♪ 249 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,252 Pam: Yeah! Check it out, lickbag! 250 00:16:01,387 --> 00:16:05,189 - Cherlene wrote a song about us. - Archer: What? She didn't write a... 251 00:16:05,324 --> 00:16:11,129 - That's from Smokey and the... Goddamn it! - Pam: Oww! 252 00:16:11,263 --> 00:16:14,232 - What the shit, Snidely Whiplash?! - Archer: Now both of our cars 253 00:16:14,366 --> 00:16:19,211 are messed up! I just leveled the playing field! 254 00:16:19,468 --> 00:16:23,900 - Pam: Oh, my God, I can't feel my face! - Archer: Gee, Pam, I wonder if that's got 255 00:16:23,935 --> 00:16:27,815 - anything to do with your cocaine-only diet! - Pam: Well, it's a small 256 00:16:27,850 --> 00:16:31,149 price to pay for beauty! [gun clicking] [gunshot] 257 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:34,285 - Archer: Damn it! - Pam: Man, and here you are without your gun. 258 00:16:34,420 --> 00:16:38,089 - That's pretty ironic, huh? - Archer: No, Pam, once again you're confusing 259 00:16:38,223 --> 00:16:40,675 the word ironic with "you are an idiot". 260 00:16:40,676 --> 00:16:43,127 What's ironic is that every other store 261 00:16:43,262 --> 00:16:48,032 - we drive by is a gun shop! - Pam: Oh. Okay, so then what's satire? 262 00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:52,036 Archer: Nobody really knows! Hang on! [tires squealing] 263 00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:56,040 And then back up a sec. You're endangering your life for beauty? 264 00:16:56,175 --> 00:17:00,178 Pam: Yes, duh. Look, how hot am I now? Let me answer that for you. 265 00:17:00,312 --> 00:17:03,247 As balls. That's why everybody likes me now. 266 00:17:03,382 --> 00:17:06,250 Archer: Who, your trucker buddies?! They only like you because 267 00:17:06,385 --> 00:17:09,287 - you have coke, Pam. - Pam: Well, and the snowballs, but... 268 00:17:09,421 --> 00:17:12,957 Archer: And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were. 269 00:17:13,092 --> 00:17:16,027 - [gunshot] Pam: Really? - Archer: Well, we hated you less. 270 00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:21,757 - You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole. - Pam: Yeah, with ginormous big tittays. 271 00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:23,167 Archer: Oh, for... Pam, who cares? 272 00:17:23,302 --> 00:17:28,072 That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue. Albeit a shitload of it. 273 00:17:28,207 --> 00:17:33,157 - But I can't bang you if you die from an overdose. - Pam: Aw, you want to bang me? 274 00:17:33,192 --> 00:17:35,346 [gunshot] Archer: Obviously! I mean look at those 275 00:17:35,481 --> 00:17:38,349 big bastards! Sucks we're gonna go to prison, though. 276 00:17:38,484 --> 00:17:42,323 - Pam: Prison? But it's my first offense. - Archer: Well, except for treason, 277 00:17:42,358 --> 00:17:46,438 but explain all that to the Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll... 278 00:17:46,473 --> 00:17:49,127 Pam: Wait a minute, we're in Travis county. Why does their car 279 00:17:49,261 --> 00:17:52,096 - say Brazos county? - Archer: Give you three guesses! 280 00:17:52,231 --> 00:17:54,843 - Pam: Crooked cops? - Archer: Yes! 281 00:17:54,873 --> 00:17:58,219 - Pam: Hang on, I still got two... - Archer: Pam, get the coke! 282 00:17:58,217 --> 00:17:59,571 Pam: Yeah! Holy coke snacks. 283 00:17:59,572 --> 00:18:02,039 - Enable the shit out of me! - Archer: What? 284 00:18:02,174 --> 00:18:04,409 - Not to snort, you idiot! - Pam: Well, I don't want to shoot it. 285 00:18:04,543 --> 00:18:08,525 - That seems like a pretty slippery slope! - Archer: Pam, any cocaine is 286 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,048 a slippery slope! It's the world's most addictive drug. 287 00:18:11,183 --> 00:18:15,192 - Pam: Hang on, I heard it was nicotine. - Archer: It may very well be, Pam, 288 00:18:15,227 --> 00:18:19,355 but in our current situation I would argue that cocaine is more dangerous, 289 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:23,094 because we're about to get murdered for it! [gunshots] 290 00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:28,198 - [tires squealing] Pam: Yeah, but not overall... - They don't want us, 291 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:32,281 - they just want the coke, so throw it out! - Pam: Of the car? 292 00:18:32,416 --> 00:18:36,119 - Archer: Pam! - Pam: Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me! 293 00:18:36,253 --> 00:18:41,124 - Archer: What could I possibly owe you?! - Pam: I believe there was some 294 00:18:41,258 --> 00:18:46,195 - mention of bone-throwing? - Archer: Okay, yeah, that seems like a win-win. 295 00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:51,200 Charlene: # I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run! # [screaming] 296 00:18:51,335 --> 00:18:54,304 [sirens stop] 297 00:18:54,305 --> 00:18:57,273 Cherlene: Woo-hooo! Thank you! 298 00:18:57,407 --> 00:19:01,841 Good night, Travis County! There will be no encore! 299 00:19:01,981 --> 00:19:03,137 Woooooo! [crowd booing] 300 00:19:03,138 --> 00:19:05,414 - Malory: Wait, what? - Cherlene: Outlaw country! 301 00:19:05,549 --> 00:19:09,352 Malory: No, no, no, you don't walk off after one song; you get back out there this instant. 302 00:19:09,486 --> 00:19:13,093 - What are you doing? - Cherlene: Uh, it's called cultivating mystique? 303 00:19:13,128 --> 00:19:14,545 - Malory: But... - Cherlene: It's also called 304 00:19:14,546 --> 00:19:17,182 sniffing a shit-ton of glue in my tour bus hot tub 305 00:19:17,183 --> 00:19:20,296 - because I personify outlaw country? - Malory: The... 306 00:19:20,430 --> 00:19:24,783 - Cherlene: Outlaw country! Woooooo! - Tony: Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records, 307 00:19:24,818 --> 00:19:28,171 and I want to make that little gal famous. Are you her manager, Mrs...? 308 00:19:28,305 --> 00:19:31,946 - Malory: Oh, no, it's actually Ms.... - Lana: It's actually Mrs. 309 00:19:31,981 --> 00:19:35,165 - Malory: Will you put... - Wait, genuinely doesn't matter. Give me a call 310 00:19:35,188 --> 00:19:39,211 when y'all are ready to make some gold records. Yee-haw! [slaps] 311 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:42,281 - Malory: Ooh! Well, that went better than expected. - Lana: Yeah, maybe you can use 312 00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:45,184 the gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail. 313 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,419 - Cyril: I actually don't think you can. - Archer: Plus there's no need. 314 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,175 - Lana: Wait, what? - Malory: Sterling! 315 00:19:49,176 --> 00:19:51,512 Archer: Yeah, no, everything is, uh, totally fine now, 316 00:19:51,547 --> 00:19:53,259 and we totally got away. So, all set. 317 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:55,594 Malory: Yes, but how? The police were right behind you. 318 00:19:55,729 --> 00:19:59,164 Archer: Which is right where I wanted them, so I could go old school Bandit. 319 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:02,334 - With an inverted triple Needham. - Malory: Well, it was your own 320 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:07,129 fault for bringing cocaine without asking, but I suppose all's well that ends well. 321 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,281 - Pam: Well, except for... - Archer: Pam? 322 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,636 - All's well that ends well? - Pam: Oh, right. 323 00:20:13,696 --> 00:20:17,122 But what about the hundred pounds of coke you dumped on the highway? 324 00:20:17,157 --> 00:20:19,516 - Malory: What?! - Archer: Pam! 325 00:20:20,063 --> 00:20:23,304 Balladeer: Looks like old Snowball done it again! 326 00:20:25,096 --> 00:20:28,679 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~