1 00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:04,736 Okay, specs are all in the green. So, let me just reboot the 2 00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:10,042 CPU, and... Beep boop, you are no longer a cripple. 3 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:13,045 - One, two, three, Go Herd. - Well? 4 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:16,048 Well? Well, you could've done this weeks ago! 5 00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:20,585 - So it's about goddamn time! - Ooh, hang on a sec? 6 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,656 - Yeah, touchy thing, bionics. You were saying? - Thank you. 7 00:00:24,791 --> 00:00:28,126 - No, what were you saying like you meant it? - Thank you, Krieger, 8 00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:32,264 - for once again giving me the precious gift of legs. - You're welcome. 9 00:00:32,398 --> 00:00:37,351 Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch. 10 00:00:37,386 --> 00:00:41,139 Ha! Perfect, this is absolutely perfect. 11 00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,309 - Cherlene! - Ow! God! Come on! 12 00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:47,846 - Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby. - Oh, shut up. Cher... 13 00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:52,517 - What?! Goddamn, woman, inside voice! - How... 14 00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:57,723 would you, my little country songbird, like to be on Travis County Limits? 15 00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:00,392 - Ooh, is that like Austin City Limits? - It's comparable, 16 00:01:00,526 --> 00:01:04,293 - hush. Cherlene? - I don't know. I guess. 17 00:01:04,328 --> 00:01:09,352 You... would be wonderful, and it would be wonderful publicity, and... 18 00:01:09,387 --> 00:01:13,202 - wonderful. - All right. When is it? 19 00:01:13,261 --> 00:01:16,602 Tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today. I don't want you 20 00:01:16,637 --> 00:01:18,932 - flying the same day you're performing. - Oh, don't worry about that. 21 00:01:18,967 --> 00:01:21,730 - Well, but... - Because Cherlene don't fly. 22 00:01:21,765 --> 00:01:25,081 Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows 23 00:01:25,216 --> 00:01:27,986 what those tuberculars in coach are... Excuse me?! 24 00:01:28,019 --> 00:01:32,723 - I don't fly. - I... but-but I've seen you fly. 25 00:01:32,857 --> 00:01:35,893 - Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly. - In a helicopter, the 26 00:01:36,027 --> 00:01:39,596 - space shuttle... - Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp? 27 00:01:39,731 --> 00:01:42,766 - Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. - What, how are you all 28 00:01:42,901 --> 00:01:45,869 - so goddamn loud? - Could you not find a punch bowl? 29 00:01:46,004 --> 00:01:50,708 It was too heavy. 30 00:02:02,374 --> 00:02:06,590 And also too spilly. Now, what's with all the yelling? 31 00:02:06,725 --> 00:02:09,760 I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits, and... 32 00:02:09,894 --> 00:02:11,774 - Is that like...? - It's comparable! 33 00:02:11,801 --> 00:02:15,385 - But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly. - Wait, really? 34 00:02:15,490 --> 00:02:18,686 So you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas? 35 00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:21,536 - Well, 36 but... - But after we get a bus 36 00:02:21,535 --> 00:02:24,942 - and a blocker car it'll be 24, right? - What? 37 00:02:25,076 --> 00:02:27,252 - Oh. Oh, God, no. - Yes! 38 00:02:27,253 --> 00:02:28,830 - Archer? - Lana! 39 00:02:28,831 --> 00:02:30,981 Sterling! What are you talking about? 40 00:02:31,116 --> 00:02:33,964 - Smokey and the goddamn Bandit. - What? 41 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,855 - We're going # Eastbound and down! # - I will never 42 00:02:37,989 --> 00:02:41,352 understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds 43 00:02:41,387 --> 00:02:45,185 - Smokey trucker nonsense. - I think part of it is because you didn't get him 44 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:50,367 - that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday. - Wha...? He was 30! 45 00:03:21,270 --> 00:03:24,439 5x05 - Archer Vice: Southbound and Down 46 00:03:24,998 --> 00:03:27,734 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 47 00:03:30,370 --> 00:03:34,607 - And words fail me. I have no words. - How about 48 00:03:34,741 --> 00:03:38,277 - ten-goddamn-four?! - How about how much did this cost? 49 00:03:38,411 --> 00:03:41,547 - How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Woooooo! - You know what they say... 50 00:03:41,681 --> 00:03:45,320 - can't put a price on free advertising. - No, they don't, 51 00:03:45,324 --> 00:03:48,454 - and free this isn't. - Exactly. How much are they 52 00:03:48,588 --> 00:03:51,480 - paying Cherlene? - It's public television, they don't pay 53 00:03:51,493 --> 00:03:55,327 anything. All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes... 54 00:03:55,462 --> 00:03:59,625 - Or donations, whatever. - Of pre-tax dollars from pot-taking 55 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:05,404 Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants, 56 00:04:05,539 --> 00:04:09,111 launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back 57 00:04:09,162 --> 00:04:14,647 - out to pro-abortion, super-PACs! - Still no words. 58 00:04:14,781 --> 00:04:19,503 - And, wow, maybe I have aphasia. - Where do you think you're going? 59 00:04:19,538 --> 00:04:21,353 She's driving the bus. Mother, get on the bus. 60 00:04:21,488 --> 00:04:24,523 - Lana, you're riding with me. - In what? 61 00:04:27,002 --> 00:04:30,329 In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle. 62 00:04:30,463 --> 00:04:33,332 - The what? - Okay, first of all... 63 00:04:33,466 --> 00:04:37,308 - How much did that cost? - Well, again, it's advertising, so... 64 00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:40,073 - For what? - Hmm, I guess Pontiac? 65 00:04:40,108 --> 00:04:42,441 - God. - And where are you going? 66 00:04:42,576 --> 00:04:46,579 Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in 67 00:04:46,713 --> 00:04:49,582 - a car with T-tops and a four-barrel. - Wha... Who's gonna do 68 00:04:49,716 --> 00:04:53,612 snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction? 69 00:04:54,821 --> 00:04:58,657 I'm so angry right now I can't even... 70 00:04:58,792 --> 00:05:03,092 Oh, goddamn it! Did you fart in that? 71 00:05:08,802 --> 00:05:13,616 - Damn it, Cyril, slow down! - Cyril, do nothing of the sort! 72 00:05:13,651 --> 00:05:17,450 Because if we miss that taping, I won't be responsible for my actions. 73 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,545 - Are you ever? - She said, single and 74 00:05:19,679 --> 00:05:24,137 - pregnant. Oh, wait. - Can you two please go... 75 00:05:24,172 --> 00:05:28,387 anywhere else? It's bad enough I have to drive 24 hours straight. 76 00:05:28,521 --> 00:05:32,358 Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project. 77 00:05:32,492 --> 00:05:37,098 - This quit being funny two hours ago! - It's not supposed to be funny. 78 00:05:37,133 --> 00:05:40,399 So shut up and drive the damn bus! 79 00:05:40,533 --> 00:05:44,536 Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal. 80 00:05:44,671 --> 00:05:48,560 - Right, and your 10 percent of it. - Or 50 or whatever. 81 00:05:48,595 --> 00:05:50,276 - What? - 50, really? 82 00:05:50,277 --> 00:05:53,399 Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker? 83 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,481 - Nothing? - Meh. 84 00:05:55,615 --> 00:05:58,717 And not that I care what any of you think, about anything, but I lost everything 85 00:05:58,852 --> 00:06:03,723 when the Feds took ISIS, and Ron took what little I had left, so now I need to 86 00:06:03,724 --> 00:06:08,594 make it back somehow. And I'm not doing that selling cocaine, thanks to Sterling, 87 00:06:08,728 --> 00:06:12,982 who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying. 88 00:06:12,983 --> 00:06:16,619 Hey, so... yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's 89 00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:18,704 holding down the talk-button thingy? 90 00:06:18,838 --> 00:06:22,541 - Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer. - Exactly the opposite 91 00:06:22,676 --> 00:06:25,544 - of how it works. - What? Oh. 92 00:06:25,679 --> 00:06:30,161 - Uh, sorry, Archer. - Ten-ten-four, good buddy. 93 00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:34,734 - Sterling? - Well, he can't hear you now, I... ow! 94 00:06:35,169 --> 00:06:40,170 - Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?! - Ouch! 95 00:06:40,171 --> 00:06:43,686 - Shut up. - Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard 96 00:06:43,721 --> 00:06:47,733 her say that. That's got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack. 97 00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:51,804 Well, I guess it would be, if A: I weren't the world's greatest spy. 98 00:06:51,938 --> 00:06:53,405 - Eh. - Shut up, 99 00:06:53,406 --> 00:06:55,607 and B: If they weren't sitting on 100 00:06:55,742 --> 00:06:57,982 - a hundred pounds of coke. - What?! 101 00:06:58,097 --> 00:07:02,548 - Affirmatory, good buddy! - Holy dickburn! So you got a buyer lined up 102 00:07:02,682 --> 00:07:06,785 - in Texas and everything?! - Well, not exactly, or at all, but, Pam, come on. 103 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,669 We're talking about Texas. Somebody, somewhere, wants enough 104 00:07:10,768 --> 00:07:13,892 - cocaine to forget they live there. - Yeah, but not 100 pounds. 105 00:07:14,027 --> 00:07:18,380 Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide. 106 00:07:18,832 --> 00:07:22,768 Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school 107 00:07:22,902 --> 00:07:25,771 football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to. 108 00:07:25,905 --> 00:07:30,309 - Jesus, Pam, I was kidding. - Duh, me too, lickbag. 109 00:07:30,344 --> 00:07:32,557 Well, but see if there is one, just 110 00:07:32,648 --> 00:07:36,615 - for shits and giggles. - Um, so, hey, speaking of... 111 00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:39,589 The hat fart was technically a shart? 112 00:07:40,854 --> 00:07:45,824 - How are you still single? - Right? 113 00:07:55,221 --> 00:07:58,123 Cyril! Goddamn it! 114 00:07:58,257 --> 00:08:01,226 - I'm-I'm sorry! - What the hell is going on up here?! 115 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:04,362 - I must've dozed off! - Really? You don't just hate signs? 116 00:08:04,497 --> 00:08:08,166 - No, Lana, I don't ha... Ow! - In addition to sushi, 117 00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:13,138 booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes! 118 00:08:13,272 --> 00:08:17,242 - So stay awake! - I'm trying, but 18 hours? 119 00:08:17,376 --> 00:08:20,136 - I don't know how Pam's doing it. - Seriously? 120 00:08:20,206 --> 00:08:24,057 Woooooo!! 121 00:08:24,092 --> 00:08:26,384 What the...?! 122 00:08:26,519 --> 00:08:29,435 - Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas! - Already? 123 00:08:29,527 --> 00:08:33,980 - What the shit, Pam?! - That's how we do backseat drivers. 124 00:08:34,086 --> 00:08:36,718 - I was driving! - Yeah, and sucking at it. 125 00:08:36,797 --> 00:08:41,417 - Goddamn it! How long was I out? - Like, 12 hours? Five states, 126 00:08:41,528 --> 00:08:43,849 dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops. 127 00:08:43,850 --> 00:08:46,171 Uh, breaker breaker, you got your 128 00:08:46,305 --> 00:08:48,350 - ears on, Snowball? Come back. - Hang on. 129 00:08:48,447 --> 00:08:52,093 Your handle is Snowball?! Like Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey-verse?! 130 00:08:52,113 --> 00:08:55,313 - Who? - Oh. Is it from from the cupcake? 131 00:08:55,448 --> 00:09:00,118 - Cupcakes? Oh... Oh, no. - Then what's it...? 132 00:09:00,252 --> 00:09:03,254 Truck stops... are crazy awesome! This is Snowball, good buddy. 133 00:09:03,389 --> 00:09:06,947 - You might wanna check your six, Snowball. - Ew, is that about the shart?! 134 00:09:06,982 --> 00:09:10,094 - Wha...? No, lickbag! - It was a reasonable assumption. 135 00:09:10,229 --> 00:09:13,240 - What the...? - Looks like you got 136 00:09:13,275 --> 00:09:16,134 - a chain gang knocking on your back door. - Bikers? 137 00:09:16,268 --> 00:09:19,437 - What the hell do they want? - I think they want us to pull over. 138 00:09:19,572 --> 00:09:22,307 - Obviously, you idiot! Why?! - Kidnapping! 139 00:09:22,441 --> 00:09:26,377 It's a kidnapping, it's a kidnapping to kidnap me, Cherlene! 140 00:09:26,512 --> 00:09:30,114 - Why would bikers want to kidnap you? - Why would anyone? 141 00:09:30,249 --> 00:09:32,450 - Yeah, you're not even famous. - Yet! Duh! 142 00:09:32,585 --> 00:09:36,454 - Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr. Now pull over! - We are not... 143 00:09:36,589 --> 00:09:41,014 Hey, treebeard! Take me with you! You can do unspeakable 144 00:09:41,061 --> 00:09:46,264 - things to and/or on me! I... - You are not getting 145 00:09:46,398 --> 00:09:49,956 - kidnapped just to boost your singing career! - Well, now wait a minute. 146 00:09:49,991 --> 00:09:52,270 Wait a minute! Did you tell anybody 147 00:09:52,404 --> 00:09:55,173 - we were hauling a shitload of coke?! - Uh... 148 00:09:57,921 --> 00:10:03,147 - Mmm... maybe. - Maybe?! 149 00:10:03,282 --> 00:10:06,184 - Or definitely. Or whatever. - Goddamn it, Pam! 150 00:10:06,318 --> 00:10:09,401 - I wanted people to like me. - People who like you because you have 151 00:10:09,419 --> 00:10:13,491 cocaine aren't people you want as friends, Pam. And not to sound elitist, 152 00:10:13,626 --> 00:10:17,395 but neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower! 153 00:10:17,530 --> 00:10:21,499 It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or... 154 00:10:21,634 --> 00:10:26,471 Wow! I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow just got even angrier! 155 00:10:26,605 --> 00:10:28,968 - What the heck are you looking for? - Gun! 156 00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:34,466 - Gun-gun-gun-gun! Cyril look out! - No! 157 00:10:34,483 --> 00:10:39,350 - Oh, God! - They're shooting at them! 158 00:10:39,485 --> 00:10:42,675 And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam, 159 00:10:42,785 --> 00:10:45,690 - but somehow, I can't find my gun! - Huh. 160 00:10:45,824 --> 00:10:49,558 - For the love of God, just pull over! - Uh, okay. 161 00:10:49,593 --> 00:10:51,362 - Cyril, do not stop this bus! - Okay! 162 00:10:51,497 --> 00:10:55,153 Let's just give them Cherlene. That is the very definition of a win-win! 163 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,648 - Yes! - No! 164 00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:59,571 - Why do you always ruin everything for me?! - Why do you always never shut up?! 165 00:10:59,705 --> 00:11:03,308 Because where the hell is my gun?! 166 00:11:03,442 --> 00:11:09,447 Are you, like, sure you brought it? 167 00:11:09,582 --> 00:11:12,550 - Move! - Oh, shut up. 168 00:11:12,685 --> 00:11:16,120 Seriously. 169 00:11:23,562 --> 00:11:27,565 Where's my gun, Pam?! What, did you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too?! 170 00:11:27,577 --> 00:11:32,024 Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps. 171 00:11:32,129 --> 00:11:38,376 And apparently I'm not good at it. 172 00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:43,348 - Lana, Lana, Lana! - Thank you, Cyril, I have eyeballs! 173 00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:52,694 Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll! 174 00:11:52,729 --> 00:11:56,026 - Shit! - Because even 175 00:11:56,039 --> 00:12:00,598 a goddamn baby knows, in craps, you never bet on the hard ways! Ow! 176 00:12:00,733 --> 00:12:07,271 - Oh shi... - ...it! 177 00:12:12,712 --> 00:12:16,547 - You mad? - Give ya three guesses, Pam. 178 00:12:16,682 --> 00:12:21,586 No? No? No? 179 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,297 Wrong, Pam. Although I bet I'm not as mad as Mother's gonna be 180 00:12:25,294 --> 00:12:28,312 - when I tell her this was all your fault! - Aw, come on, Archer, 181 00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:32,343 - don't do that! That's not what good buddies do! - Okay, first of all, 182 00:12:32,347 --> 00:12:36,634 - you have wildly misjudged our relationship! - Archer! 183 00:12:36,769 --> 00:12:39,568 - Lana! - Yeah, you're one to talk. 184 00:12:39,603 --> 00:12:43,474 - And you're lucky I don't have my gun! - And just why the hell don't you?! 185 00:12:43,609 --> 00:12:46,611 Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam! 186 00:12:46,745 --> 00:12:51,020 - Oh, come on, please? - I...! 187 00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:55,586 - I-I didn't think I would need it. - You didn't think?! 188 00:12:55,721 --> 00:12:58,551 Well, it's a good damn thing I ain't paying you to think! 189 00:12:58,552 --> 00:13:00,438 Yeah, you're not actually pay... Ow! 190 00:13:00,473 --> 00:13:04,000 The quite-soon-to-be-number-one country singer in America?! 191 00:13:04,035 --> 00:13:06,664 And you don't think I'm a kidnapping risk?! 192 00:13:06,799 --> 00:13:10,468 - Wait... you do? Ow! - Yeah, you know, 193 00:13:10,602 --> 00:13:13,571 I'm with Archer. I think those bikers just wanted to rob us, or... 194 00:13:13,706 --> 00:13:19,477 What?! I mean, that's just absolutely crazy. We have nothing. 195 00:13:19,611 --> 00:13:21,760 Well, I would like to revisit this whole 196 00:13:21,761 --> 00:13:24,985 kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has 197 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,353 - a show in two hours and we've still got... - I think about a hundred miles. 198 00:13:29,488 --> 00:13:32,557 And one extremely flat tire, so... 199 00:13:34,126 --> 00:13:38,429 Fix it! I will be on my tour bus 200 00:13:38,564 --> 00:13:41,426 - putting whiskey and glue inside me. - You heard her. Fix it. 201 00:13:41,461 --> 00:13:43,962 Yeah, you guys chill on the bus. 202 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,472 - I'll help lickbag here change the tire. - Oh, my God. 203 00:13:47,606 --> 00:13:52,377 Sorry, I had to sell it. Chop-chop! Get the lead out, lickbag! 204 00:13:52,442 --> 00:13:55,681 And what's with the "lickbag" stuff? 205 00:13:55,717 --> 00:13:59,717 It's your CB handle! I told it to everybody from here to Kentucky! 206 00:13:59,852 --> 00:14:04,489 Good buddy. 207 00:14:08,236 --> 00:14:12,940 Whew! Okay, that's got it. 208 00:14:13,074 --> 00:14:16,710 - Well, it took you long enough. - Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes 209 00:14:16,745 --> 00:14:19,013 - start to finish, what an incompetent boob. - Your words. 210 00:14:19,147 --> 00:14:22,149 - You know... - Rrrgh! Can we freaking go already?! 211 00:14:22,284 --> 00:14:26,552 Yeah, whatcha waiting for, lickbag? 212 00:14:32,917 --> 00:14:36,953 - Ten-four. - So, I think we may have a problem. 213 00:14:36,988 --> 00:14:40,423 Yeah, no shit. I keep waiting for her to have a heart attack, but... 214 00:14:40,458 --> 00:14:42,069 - Not Pam. - Yay! 215 00:14:42,204 --> 00:14:45,806 - The cops. - Boo. 216 00:14:45,941 --> 00:14:48,175 - Oh, shit! - Yeah, I'm gonna pull over. 217 00:14:48,310 --> 00:14:51,912 - No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes! - What do you want me to 218 00:14:52,047 --> 00:14:55,015 - do, run from the cops? - I want you to take that exit for the venue. 219 00:14:55,150 --> 00:14:58,790 Let Sterling deal with this in that ridiculous blocker car. 220 00:14:58,791 --> 00:15:01,218 Yeah, good, you guys get out of here; 221 00:15:01,253 --> 00:15:03,991 - we'll lure them away and outrun them. - In this shit-heap? 222 00:15:04,125 --> 00:15:07,194 - Are you nuts?! - Are you? You want them to get 223 00:15:07,329 --> 00:15:11,599 - pulled over with 50 pounds of cocaine? - What?! 224 00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:16,103 - Or kilos, or whatever. - You put 50 kilos of cocaine on this bus 225 00:15:16,238 --> 00:15:20,439 - without my permission?! Sterling?! - You have to press the button. 226 00:15:20,474 --> 00:15:22,042 - The what? - Oh, for... You dated 227 00:15:22,177 --> 00:15:25,112 - Burt Reynolds! - They don't have the coke, lickbag! 228 00:15:25,247 --> 00:15:28,949 - We do! Right here in the Trans Am! - Oh. 229 00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:30,884 Well, then problem solved. 230 00:15:32,187 --> 00:15:36,090 So, I have a question. 231 00:15:36,224 --> 00:15:39,193 I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that... 232 00:15:39,327 --> 00:15:42,997 That because of your fat, blabbering mouth Lana would get caught with it 233 00:15:43,131 --> 00:15:45,149 and have to have her baby in prison? 234 00:15:45,150 --> 00:15:47,167 Or because you were low on cupcakes?! 235 00:15:47,302 --> 00:15:50,995 Does the why really matter? 236 00:15:51,647 --> 00:15:55,042 ♪ Eastbound and down ♪ ♪ Loaded up and truckin' ♪ 237 00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:58,659 ♪ We gonna do what they say can't be done ♪ 238 00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:03,466 ♪ We got a long way to go ♪ ♪ And a short time to get... ♪ 239 00:16:03,501 --> 00:16:05,252 Yeah! Check it out, lickbag! 240 00:16:05,387 --> 00:16:09,189 - Cherlene wrote a song about us. - What? She didn't write a... 241 00:16:09,324 --> 00:16:15,129 - That's from Smokey and the... Goddamn it! - Oww! 242 00:16:15,263 --> 00:16:18,232 - What the shit, Snidely Whiplash?! - Now both of our cars 243 00:16:18,366 --> 00:16:23,211 are messed up! I just leveled the playing field! 244 00:16:23,468 --> 00:16:27,900 - Oh, my God, I can't feel my face! - Gee, Pam, I wonder if that's got 245 00:16:27,935 --> 00:16:31,815 - anything to do with your cocaine-only diet! - Well, it's a small 246 00:16:31,850 --> 00:16:35,149 price to pay for beauty! 247 00:16:35,283 --> 00:16:38,285 - Damn it! - Man, and here you are without your gun. 248 00:16:38,420 --> 00:16:42,089 - That's pretty ironic, huh? - No, Pam, once again you're confusing 249 00:16:42,223 --> 00:16:44,675 the word ironic with "you are an idiot". 250 00:16:44,676 --> 00:16:47,127 What's ironic is that every other store 251 00:16:47,262 --> 00:16:52,032 - we drive by is a gun shop! - Oh. Okay, so then what's satire? 252 00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:56,036 Nobody really knows! Hang on! 253 00:16:56,171 --> 00:17:00,040 And then back up a sec. You're endangering your life for beauty? 254 00:17:00,175 --> 00:17:04,178 Yes, duh. Look, how hot am I now? Let me answer that for you. 255 00:17:04,312 --> 00:17:07,247 As balls. That's why everybody likes me now. 256 00:17:07,382 --> 00:17:10,250 Who, your trucker buddies?! They only like you because 257 00:17:10,385 --> 00:17:13,287 - you have coke, Pam. - Pam:, Well, and the snowballs, but... 258 00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:16,957 And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were. 259 00:17:17,092 --> 00:17:20,027 - Really? - Well, we hated you less. 260 00:17:20,161 --> 00:17:25,757 - You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole. - Yeah, with ginormous big tittays. 261 00:17:25,792 --> 00:17:27,167 Oh, for... Pam, who cares? 262 00:17:27,302 --> 00:17:32,072 That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue. Albeit a shitload of it. 263 00:17:32,207 --> 00:17:37,157 - But I can't bang you if you die from an overdose. - Aw, you want to bang me? 264 00:17:37,192 --> 00:17:39,346 Obviously! I mean look at those 265 00:17:39,481 --> 00:17:42,349 big bastards! Sucks we're gonna go to prison, though. 266 00:17:42,484 --> 00:17:46,323 - Prison? But it's my first offense. - Well, except for treason, 267 00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:50,438 but explain all that to the Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll... 268 00:17:50,473 --> 00:17:53,127 Wait a minute, we're in Travis county. Why does their car 269 00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:56,096 - say Brazos county? - Give you three guesses! 270 00:17:56,231 --> 00:17:58,843 - Crooked cops? - Yes! 271 00:17:58,873 --> 00:18:02,219 - Hang on, I still got two... - Pam, get the coke! 272 00:18:02,217 --> 00:18:03,571 Yeah! Holy coke snacks. 273 00:18:03,572 --> 00:18:06,039 - Enable the shit out of me! - What? 274 00:18:06,174 --> 00:18:08,409 - Not to snort, you idiot! - Well, I don't want to shoot it. 275 00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:12,525 - That seems like a pretty slippery slope! - Pam, any cocaine is 276 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,048 a slippery slope! It's the world's most addictive drug. 277 00:18:15,183 --> 00:18:19,192 - Hang on, I heard it was nicotine. - It may very well be, Pam, 278 00:18:19,227 --> 00:18:23,355 but in our current situation I would argue that cocaine is more dangerous, 279 00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:27,094 because we're about to get murdered for it! 280 00:18:27,228 --> 00:18:32,198 - Yeah, but not overall... - They don't want us, 281 00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:36,281 - they just want the coke, so throw it out! - Of the car? 282 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:40,119 - Pam! - Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me! 283 00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:45,124 - What could I possibly owe you?! - I believe there was some 284 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:50,195 - mention of bone-throwing? - Okay, yeah, that seems like a win-win. 285 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:55,200 ♪ I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run! ♪ 286 00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:01,273 Woo-hooo! Thank you! 287 00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:05,841 Good night, Travis County! There will be no encore! 288 00:19:05,981 --> 00:19:07,137 Woooooo! 289 00:19:07,138 --> 00:19:09,414 - Wait, what? - Outlaw country! 290 00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:13,352 No, no, no, you don't walk off after one song; you get back out there this instant. 291 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:17,093 - What are you doing? - Uh, it's called cultivating mystique? 292 00:19:17,128 --> 00:19:18,545 - But... - It's also called 293 00:19:18,546 --> 00:19:21,182 sniffing a shit-ton of glue in my tour bus hot tub 294 00:19:21,183 --> 00:19:24,296 - because I personify outlaw country? - The... 295 00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:28,783 - Outlaw country! Woooooo! - Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records, 296 00:19:28,818 --> 00:19:32,171 and I want to make that little gal famous. Are you her manager, Mrs...? 297 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:35,946 - Oh, no, it's actually Ms.... - It's actually Mrs. 298 00:19:35,981 --> 00:19:39,165 - Will you put... - Wait, genuinely doesn't matter. Give me a call 299 00:19:39,188 --> 00:19:43,211 when y'all are ready to make some gold records. Yee-haw! 300 00:19:43,346 --> 00:19:46,281 - Ooh! Well, that went better than expected. - Yeah, maybe you can use 301 00:19:46,415 --> 00:19:49,184 the gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail. 302 00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:51,419 - I actually don't think you can. - Plus there's no need. 303 00:19:51,554 --> 00:19:53,175 - Wait, what? - Sterling! 304 00:19:53,176 --> 00:19:55,512 Yeah, no, everything is, uh, totally fine now, 305 00:19:55,547 --> 00:19:57,259 and we totally got away. So, all set. 306 00:19:57,393 --> 00:19:59,594 Yes, but how? The police were right behind you. 307 00:19:59,729 --> 00:20:03,164 Which is right where I wanted them, so I could go old school Bandit. 308 00:20:03,299 --> 00:20:06,334 - With an inverted triple Needham. - Well, it was your own 309 00:20:06,469 --> 00:20:11,129 fault for bringing cocaine without asking, but I suppose all's well that ends well. 310 00:20:11,164 --> 00:20:13,281 - Well, except for... - Pam? 311 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,636 - All's well that ends well? - Oh, right. 312 00:20:17,696 --> 00:20:21,122 But what about the hundred pounds of coke you dumped on the highway? 313 00:20:21,157 --> 00:20:23,516 - What?! - Pam! 314 00:20:24,063 --> 00:20:27,304 Looks like old Snowball done it again! 315 00:20:29,096 --> 00:20:32,679 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~