1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,680
KRIEGER: Okay, specs
are all in the green.
2
00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:08,885
So let me just
reboot the CPU and...
3
00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:11,600
Beep-boop. You are
no longer a cripple.
4
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:14,436
One, two, three.
Well?
5
00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:19,020
Well? Well, you could've done this
weeks ago, so it's about goddamn time!
6
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,900
Ooh! Hang on a sec.
7
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,022
(GROANS)
8
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:25,154
Yeah, touchy thing, bionics.
You were saying?
9
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,401
Thank you.
10
00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,487
No, what were you saying
like you meant it?
11
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:32,666
Thank you, Krieger, for once again
giving me the precious gift of legs.
12
00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:34,118
You're welcome.
13
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:38,581
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to
remove my underwear with a blowtorch.
14
00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:42,801
Ha! Perfect,
this is absolutely perfect!
15
00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:44,010
Cherlene!
16
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:46,096
Ow! Come on!
17
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,923
Seriously,
thanks for the deaf baby.
18
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,053
Oh, shut up...
19
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,221
CHERYL: What?
20
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:53,308
Goddamn, woman,
inside voice!
21
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,932
How would you,
my little country songbird,
22
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:59,268
like to be on
Travis County Limits?
23
00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:01,069
Ooh! ls that like
Austin City Limits?
24
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,817
It's comparable, hush.
25
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,113
Cherlene?
26
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,406
I don't know. I guess.
27
00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:08,448
You would be wonderful,
28
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:11,872
and it would be wonderful
publicity, and wonderful!
29
00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:14,370
(GROANS)
All right, when is it?
30
00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:16,668
It tapes tomorrow night,
but we should leave today.
31
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:19,246
I don't want you flying the
same day you're performing.
32
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:23,254
Oh, don't worry about that
because Cherlene don't fly.
33
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:26,507
Airplane air is so dry, plus
you're breathing in God knows what
34
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,215
those tuberculars in
coach are. Excuse me?
35
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,175
I don't fly.
36
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,598
But I've seen you fly!
37
00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:35,975
Well, maybe you
saw Cheryl fly.
38
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:37,977
In a helicopter,
the space shuttle.
39
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,058
PAM: Cyril choke-banged you
on a blimp?
40
00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:43,070
Oh, come on,
we were all thinking it!
41
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,193
What, how are you
all so goddamn loud?
42
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:46,945
Could you not
find a punch bowl?
43
00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,617
It was too heavy.
44
00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:49,944
(LOUD CRASHING)
45
00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,199
(WOODHOUSE GRUNTING)
46
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,863
(DISHES CLATTERING)
47
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,293
(GROANING)
48
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,093
And also too spilly.
49
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,095
Now, what's with
all the yelling?
50
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,631
I booked Cherlene
on Travis County Limits...
51
00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:11,761
ls that like...
52
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,137
It's comparable!
53
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,810
But it's tomorrow night
and she refuses to fly!
54
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:19,936
Wait, really? So you've only got
24 hours to drive to Texas?
55
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:21,312
Well, 36, but...
56
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:22,643
But after we get a bus
57
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:25,024
and a blocker car,
it'll be 24, right?
58
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:26,150
What?
59
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,606
Oh, God, no.
60
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:28,736
Yes!
61
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,192
Archer?
Lana!
62
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:32,323
Sterling! What are
you talking about?
63
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,824
Smokey and
the Goddamn Bandit.
64
00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:34,905
What?
65
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,912
We're going
eastbound and down
66
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:41,211
I will never understand
his idiotic fascination
67
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,506
with all this Burt Reynolds,
Smokey trucker nonsense.
68
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,083
I think part of it
is because you didn't
69
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:47,796
get him that
C.B. McHaul toy truck
70
00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:49,970
he wanted
for his birthday.
71
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:51,342
He was 30!
72
00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,757
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
73
00:02:58,755 --> 00:03:08,827
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
74
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:33,972
MALORY:
And words fail me.
75
00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,008
I have no words.
76
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,059
How about 10-goddamn-four?
77
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,978
How about how
much did this cost?
78
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,727
How about a Jacuzzi,
bitches? Whoo!
79
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:46,235
You know what they say, you can't
put a price on free advertising.
80
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,733
No, they don't,
and free this isn't!
81
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:49,904
Exactly.
82
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,653
How much are they
paying Cherlene?
83
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,905
It's public television,
they don't pay anything!
84
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:57,158
All they do is suck money in!
They take our taxes...
85
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,910
Or donations, or whatever.
86
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,582
Of pre-tax dollars!
87
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:03,627
From pot-taking
Bolshevik lesbian couples!
88
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:07,627
Then PBS mixes it all in
with their huge NEA grants,
89
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:11,256
launders it in inner-city methadone
clinics, and pumps it right back out
90
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,177
to pro-abortion
super PACs!
91
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,217
Still no words.
92
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:16,757
(GRUNTING)
93
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,767
And, wow,
maybe I have aphasia.
94
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,390
Where do you
think you're going?
95
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:22,437
She's driving the bus,
96
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:25,061
Mother, get on the bus.
Lana, you're riding with me.
97
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,187
In what?
98
00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,025
(TIRES SCREECHING)
99
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:33,532
In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril
didn't just break the stupid axle.
100
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,317
The what?
Okay, first of all...
101
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,993
How much did that cost?
102
00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:39,070
Well, again,
it's advertising, so...
103
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:40,155
For what?
104
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:42,286
Hmm. I guess Pontiac?
105
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:44,208
God.
And where are you going?
106
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:48,289
Well, speaking for the tiny,
delicate life blossoming inside me,
107
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,920
nowhere in a car with
T-tops and a four-barrel.
108
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,172
Who's going to do
snappy dialogue with me,
109
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,174
underscored
by sexual attraction?
110
00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,550
I'm so angry right now
I can't even...
111
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:00,759
(SNIFFING)
112
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:03,228
Oh, God damn it!
Did you fart in that?
113
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:04,437
(LAUGHING)
114
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,405
LANA: Damn it, Cyril,
slow down!
115
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,278
MALORY: Cyril, do
nothing of the sort!
116
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,322
Because if we
miss that taping,
117
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,528
I won't be responsible
for my actions.
118
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:20,703
Are you ever?
119
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,907
She said,
single and pregnant.
120
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,370
Oh, wait.
121
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:27,419
Can you two please
go anywhere else?
122
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,168
It's bad enough I have to
drive 24 hours straight.
123
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:33,717
Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's
help on some sort of project.
124
00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:37,220
This quit being funny
two hours ago!
125
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,389
It's not supposed
to be funny!
126
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:42,183
So shut up and
drive the damn bus!
127
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:46,347
Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about
Cherlene getting a record deal.
128
00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:48,852
Right, and
your 10% of it.
129
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:50,479
Or 50, or whatever.
130
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,311
What?
Fifty? Really?
131
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:55,022
Who're you,
Colonel Mom Parker?
132
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,198
Nothing?
Meh.
133
00:05:57,274 --> 00:06:00,244
And not that I care what any
of you think about anything,
134
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,571
but I lost everything
when the feds took ISIS,
135
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,782
and Ron took
what little I had left,
136
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,243
so now I need to
make it back somehow!
137
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:10,750
And I'm not doing that selling
cocaine, thanks to Sterling,
138
00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:14,299
who, unbelievably, is even
worse at this than at spying!
139
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:15,917
ARCHER: (OVER RADIO) Hey, so...
(GASPING)
140
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:18,504
Yeah, hi, I think
maybe somebody's
141
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,681
holding down
the talk-button thingy?
142
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,304
Oh! Sorry, Archer.
143
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,886
Exactly the opposite
of how it works.
144
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:29,223
What? Oh!
Sorry, Archer.
145
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:32,309
(SIGHS)
Ten-four, good buddy.
146
00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:34,774
Sterling?
147
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,529
Well, he can't hear you now, I...
Ow!
148
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,907
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Ow!
149
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,825
Whose ring is that,
the pope's?
150
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:42,569
(LAUGHING)
151
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,620
Shut up.
Seriously, though.
152
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,414
I'm sorry you
heard her say that,
153
00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:49,743
that's gotta be a real knee to
the old emotional nut sack.
154
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:54,582
Well, I guess it would be, if A, I
weren't the world's greatest spy.
155
00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,336
Shut up, and B,
156
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,260
if they weren't sitting
on 100 pounds of coke!
157
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,337
What?
158
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,512
Affirmatory, good buddy!
159
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,511
Holy dickburn!
So you got a buyer
160
00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:05,475
lined up in Texas
and everything?
161
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:10,807
Well, not exactly, or at all, but Pam,
come on, we're talking about Texas.
162
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:14,351
Somebody somewhere wants enough
cocaine to forget they live there.
163
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,152
Yeah, but not
100 pounds.
164
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:19,982
Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire
town that wants to commit suicide.
165
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,110
Wonder if there's
a state-wide database
166
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:24,991
of towns with sucky high
school football teams
167
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,869
cross-indexed with towns a
black person just moved to.
168
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,117
Jesus, Pam, l was kidding.
169
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,703
Me too, lickbag.
170
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,881
Well, but see if there is one,
just for shits and giggles.
171
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,583
So, hey, speaking of...
172
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,631
The hat fart was
technically a shart?
173
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,095
(LAUGHING)
174
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,007
How are you
still single?
175
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,137
Right?
176
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:47,933
(GRUNTING)
177
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,552
(BELCHING)
178
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,233
LANA: Cyril!
CYRIL: What?
179
00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:01,322
God damn it!
I'm sorry!
180
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,150
What the hell is
going on up here?
181
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,280
I must've dozed off!
182
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,361
Really? You don't
just hate signs?
183
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,663
No, Lana, I don't...
Ow!
184
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,992
In addition to sushi, booze
and soft cheeses,
185
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,578
I'm also supposed to abstain
from bus crashes.
186
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,834
So stay awake.
187
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,041
I'm trying,
but 18 hours?
188
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:20,717
I don't know how
Pam's doing it.
189
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:21,918
Seriously?
190
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,049
PAM: Whoo!
191
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:25,885
(LAUGHING)
192
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,141
(SCREAMS)
What the...
193
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,094
Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas!
Already?
194
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:33,855
What the shit, Pam?
195
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,728
That's how we do
backseat drivers.
196
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,184
I was driving!
197
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,610
Yeah, and sucking at it.
198
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,562
God damn it.
How long was I out?
199
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,192
Like 12 hours.
200
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:46,072
Five states, a dozen cupcakes,
a bunch of truck stops.
201
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:49,325
MAN: (OVER RADIO) Breaker, breaker, you
got your ears on, Snowball? Come back.
202
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,327
Hang on.
Your handle is Snowball?
203
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,746
Like Jerry Reed's character
in the Smokey-verse?
204
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:54,917
Who?
205
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,041
Oh. ls it from
the cupcakes?
206
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,963
Cupcakes? (CHUCKLES)
207
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,424
No.
Then what's it...
208
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:04,048
Truck stops
are crazy awesome!
209
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:05,879
This is Snowball,
good buddy!
210
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,680
Might want to check
your six, Snowball.
211
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,053
Ew. Is that about
the shart?
212
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,679
What? No, lickbag!
213
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,386
It was a reasonable
assumption.
214
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:13,846
What the...
215
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:17,103
Looks like you got a chain gang
knocking on your back door.
216
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,021
Bikers? What the
hell do they want?
217
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:21,231
I think they want
us to pull over!
218
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,654
Obviously, you idiot!
219
00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:24,193
But why?
CHERYL: Kidnapping!
220
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:28,444
It's a kidnapping, it's a
kidnapping, to kidnap me, Cherlene!
221
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,745
Why would bikers
want to kidnap you?
222
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:31,821
Why would anyone?
223
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:32,906
Yeah, you're not
even famous.
224
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:33,990
Yet!
225
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,543
Duh. Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr.
Now pull over!
226
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,915
We are not...
227
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:41,373
Hey, Treebeard!
Take me with you!
228
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:46,049
You can do unspeakable
things to and/or on me!
229
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:50,098
You're not getting kidnapped just
to boost your singing career!
230
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:51,971
Well, now, wait a minute.
231
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,051
Wait a minute!
232
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:56,013
Did you tell anybody we were
hauling a shitload of coke?
233
00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,518
Uh...
234
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:02,982
Maybe?
235
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:05,279
Maybe?
236
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,572
Or definitely,
or whatever.
237
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,150
God damn it, Pam!
238
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,701
I wanted people
to like me!
239
00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,279
People who like you
because you have cocaine
240
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,285
aren't people you
want as friends, Pam.
241
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:17,083
And not to sound elitist, but
neither are people who need
242
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,581
a roll of quarters
to take a shower!
243
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:23,798
It's not just a shower, it's more
communal, like a Japanese onsen, or...
244
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:25,591
Wow! I didn't think
it was possible,
245
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:28,136
but I somehow just
got even angrier!
246
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:29,633
What the heck are
you looking for?
247
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,089
LANA: Gun!
248
00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:32,887
Gun, gun, gun, gun,
Cyril, look out!
249
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,013
No!
250
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,638
(SCREAMING)
251
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:41,853
PAM:
They're shooting at them!
252
00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:44,777
And I'd love nothing more
than to shoot back, Pam,
253
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,947
but somehow I can't
find my gun!
254
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:48,064
Huh.
255
00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:50,154
For the love of God,
just pull over!
256
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:51,485
Uh, okay!
257
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:52,785
Cyril, do not
stop this bus!
258
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:53,862
Okay!
259
00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:57,245
Let's just give them Cherlene, that
is the very definition of a win-win!
260
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,324
Yes!
261
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,752
Why do you always
ruin everything for me?
262
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,500
Why do you always
never shut up?
263
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,456
ARCHER: Because where
the hell is my gun?
264
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,550
Are you, like,
sure you brought it?
265
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,629
(SCREAMING)
266
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,431
Move.
267
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,763
Oh, shut up.
Seriously.
268
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:20,938
(SCREAMING)
269
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:26,853
ARCHER:
Where's my gun, Pam?
270
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,314
What, did you spit it
in some trucker's mouth, too?
271
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:33,986
Okay, so, apparently a big thing at
truck stops is a game called craps.
272
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:36,366
And apparently
I'm not good at it.
273
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,457
(PAM SCREAMING)
274
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,160
CYRIL: Lana, Lana, Lana!
275
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,787
Thank you, Cyril.
I have eyeballs!
276
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:48,791
(SCREAMING)
277
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:55,716
(LAUGHS) Yeah, bitch,
that's how I roll, shit!
278
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,050
(ALL SCREAMING)
279
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,094
Because even
a goddamn baby knows
280
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:02,056
in craps you never bet
on the hard way. Ow!
281
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:03,897
Oh...
282
00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,358
Shit!
Shit!
283
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,311
(SCREAMING)
284
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:16,527
You mad?
285
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,284
Give you three
guesses, Pam.
286
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,410
No?
287
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,539
No? No?
288
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:27,085
Wrong, Pam. Although I bet I'm not
as mad as Mother's going to be
289
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:29,006
when I tell her this
was all your fault!
290
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,967
Come on, Archer,
don't do that!
291
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,757
That's not what
good buddies do.
292
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:37,591
Okay, first of all, you have
wildly misjudged our relationship!
293
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:38,721
LANA: Archer!
294
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:39,933
Lana!
295
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,636
Yeah, you're one to talk.
296
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:43,938
And you're lucky I
don't have my gun!
297
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,640
And just why the hell
don't you?
298
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,397
Yeah, tell them
why that is, Pam!
299
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:49,944
Oh, come on, please?
300
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,355
(SIGHS) Oh!
301
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,112
I didn't think
l would need it.
302
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,360
(GASPS) You didn't think?
303
00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:00,322
Well, it's a good damn thing
I ain't paying you to think!
304
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,448
Yeah, you're not
actually pay... Ow!
305
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:06,002
The quite-soon- to-be-number-one
country singer in America?
306
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:09,172
And you don't think
I'm a kidnapping risk?
307
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,874
Wait, you do?
308
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:15,424
Yeah, I'm with Archer, I think those
bikers just wanted to rob us, or...
309
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:20,767
What? I mean, that's just
absolutely crazy, we have nothing!
310
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,886
Well, l would like
to revisit this whole
311
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:26,055
kidnapping idea
when we have more time,
312
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:29,439
but she still has a show in two
hours and we've still got...
313
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,519
l think about
100 miles.
314
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:34,230
And one extremely
flat tire, so.
315
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:35,572
(SCREAMING)
316
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,070
Fix it!
I will be on my tour bus,
317
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,121
putting whiskey
and glue inside me.
318
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,698
You heard her.
Fix it.
319
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:46,034
Yeah, you guys chill
on the bus,
320
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,745
I'll help lickbag here
change the tire.
321
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:54,255
Sorry, I had to sell it. Chop,
chop, get the lead out, lickbag!
322
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,091
(SIGHS) And what's with
the "lickbag“ stuff?
323
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,298
It's your CB handle!
324
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,259
I told it to everybody from here
to Kentucky! (CLICKS TONGUE)
325
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,052
Good buddy.
326
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:05,641
(GRUNTING)
327
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:11,942
(ARCHER GRUNTING)
328
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,355
Okay, that's got it.
329
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,111
Well, it took you
long enough.
330
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:21,202
Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes start
to finish, what an incompetent boob.
331
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,324
Your words.
You know...
332
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:24,497
Can we freaking
go already?
333
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:27,075
Yeah, what you
waiting for, lickbag?
334
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,493
(BELCHING)
335
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,204
(TIRES SCREECHING)
336
00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:33,794
(SCATTING)
337
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:35,458
Ahem.
338
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:36,713
Ten-four.
339
00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,716
LANA: (OVER RADIO) So, I
think we may have a problem.
340
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:40,047
Yeah, no shit.
341
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:42,382
I keep waiting for her
to have a heart attack, but...
342
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,342
Not Pam.
Yay!
343
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,677
The cops.
344
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:46,849
Boo!
345
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,181
ARCHER: Oh, shit!
346
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,641
Yeah, I'm going to pull over...
No! No!
347
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,021
Curtain is in 10 minutes!
348
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,149
What do you want me to do,
run from the cops?
349
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,322
I want you to take that
exit for the venue!
350
00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:01,193
Let Sterling deal with this in
that ridiculous blocker car.
351
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,160
Yeah, good,
you guys get outta here,
352
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,037
we'll lure them away
and outrun them!
353
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,161
In this shit-heap?
Are you nuts?
354
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,241
Are you?
355
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:11,165
You want them to get pulled
over with 50 pounds of cocaine?
356
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,245
What?
What?
357
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:15,749
Or kilos, or whatever.
358
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:19,678
You put 50 kilos of cocaine on
this bus without my permission?
359
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,212
Sterling?
360
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,759
You have to press the button.
The what?
361
00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:24,887
You dated Burt Reynolds!
362
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:28,220
PAM: They don't have the
coke, lickbag! We do!
363
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,396
Right here in the Trans Am!
364
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,978
Well, then, problem solved.
365
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:38,188
ARCHER:
So, I have a question.
366
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:41,616
I switched the coke in Little Rock,
'cause I was worried that...
367
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,443
That because of your
fat blabbering mouth,
368
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:45,028
Lana would get
caught with it
369
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,113
and have to have
her baby in prison?
370
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,949
Or because you were
low on cupcakes?
371
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,702
Does the why
really matter?
372
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:57,875
Eastbound and down
Loaded up and trucking
373
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,676
We gonna do what
they say can't be done!
374
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:05,260
We got a long way to go
And a short time to get there
375
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:06,465
(PAM LAUGHING)
376
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,519
Check it out, lickbag, Cherlene
wrote a song about us!
377
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:12,723
What... She didn't write a...
That's from Smokey and the...
378
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,398
God damn it!
379
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,518
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
380
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,941
What the shit,
Snidely Whiplash?
381
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,819
Now both of our cars
are messed up!
382
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,276
I just leveled
the playing field!
383
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:28,078
Oh, my God,
I can't feel my face!
384
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,407
Gee, Pam, l wonder if
that's got anything to do
385
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,117
with your
cocaine-only diet!
386
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,919
Well? It's a small price
to pay for beauty!
387
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:38,623
Damn it!
388
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:42,176
Man, and here you are without your
gun, that's pretty ironic, huh?
389
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:43,878
No, Pam, once again
you're confusing
390
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:46,589
the word "ironic"
with "You are an idiot!"
391
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:51,394
What's ironic is that every other
store we drive by is a gun shop!
392
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,105
Oh. Okay,
so then what's satire?
393
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:55,685
Nobody really knows!
394
00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,062
Hang on!
395
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:02,109
And then back up a second, you're
endangering your life for beauty?
396
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,360
Yes, duh!
397
00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:06,488
Look, how hot am I now?
Let me answer that for you!
398
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:07,910
As balls!
399
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,703
That's why
everybody likes me now!
400
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:13,955
Who, your trucker buddies? They only
like you because you have coke, Pam.
401
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,622
Well, and the
snowballs, but...
402
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,921
And for what it's worth, we all
kind of liked you the way you were!
403
00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:20,957
Really?
404
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,383
Well, we hated you less.
405
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:25,128
You kind of turned
into a ginormous asshole.
406
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:28,214
Yeah, with
ginormous big tittays.
407
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,298
For... Pam, who cares?
408
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,101
That's just subcutaneous
adipose tissue!
409
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,144
Albeit a shitload of it.
410
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:37,144
But I can't bang you
if you die from an overdose!
411
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,066
Aw! You wanna bang me?
412
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,904
Obviously! I mean,
look at those big bastards!
413
00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:44,526
Sucks we're gonna
go to prison, though.
414
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,733
Prison?
But it's my first offense!
415
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,363
Well, except for treason.
416
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,112
But explain all that
to the Brazos County judge,
417
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,321
and maybe he'll...
418
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,373
Wait a minute,
we're in Travis County!
419
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:57,167
Why does their car
say "Brazos County"?
420
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,415
Give you three guesses!
421
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,462
Crooked cops?
Yes!
422
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:01,630
Hang on!
I still got two...
423
00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:03,253
Pam, get the coke!
424
00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:07,504
Yeah! Holy coke-snacks,
enable the shit out of me!
425
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,681
Not to snort, you idiot!
426
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:12,554
Well, I don't wanna shoot it, that
seems like a pretty slippery slope!
427
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,886
Pam, any cocaine
is a slippery slope!
428
00:18:14,969 --> 00:18:17,142
It's the world's
most addictive drug!
429
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,098
Hang on,
I heard it was nicotine.
430
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:20,899
It may very well be,
Pam!
431
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:25,355
But in our current situation, I would
argue that cocaine is more dangerous,
432
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,691
because we're about to
get murdered for it!
433
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:31,660
Yeah, but not overall,
is what I'm...
434
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:32,783
Pam!
435
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:36,287
They don't want us, they just
want the coke, so throw it!
436
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,333
Out!
Of the car?
437
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:39,501
Pam!
438
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:40,578
Jeez, okay!
439
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,208
But you're gonna owe me!
440
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:45,758
What could I
possibly owe you?
441
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,503
I believe there was some
mention of bone-throwing?
442
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:52,386
Okay, yeah, that seems
like a win-win.
443
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:56,848
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
444
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:01,231
Whoo-hoo!
445
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,480
Thank you!
446
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:08,736
Good night, Travis County!
There will be no encore! Whoo!
447
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,490
Wait, what?
448
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:11,783
Outlaw country!
449
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:14,237
No, no, no, you don't
walk off after one song.
450
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,618
You get back out there this instant.
What are you doing?
451
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,495
Uh, it's called
cultivating mystique.
452
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:19,541
But...
453
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:22,791
It's also called sniffing a shit-ton
of glue in my tour bus hot tub
454
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,498
because I personify
outlaw country.
455
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,917
The...
Outlaw country! Whoo!
456
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,423
Howdy, Tony Foti,
Stringer Records,
457
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,597
and I wanna make
that little gal famous!
458
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,549
Are you her manager,
Mrs...
459
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,555
Oh, no,
it's actually Ms.
460
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:37,931
It's actually Mrs.
461
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,011
Will you put a...
462
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,221
It genuinely
does not matter.
463
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:42,853
But gimme a call when y'all are
ready to make some gold records.
464
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:44,058
Yee-haw!
Ooh!
465
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:47,274
Well, that went
better than expected.
466
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:50,615
Yeah, maybe you can use the gold
records to pay Archer and Pam's bail.
467
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,408
I actually
don't think you can.
468
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:54,030
Plus, there's no need.
469
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,077
LANA: Wait, what?
Sterling!
470
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,656
Yeah, no, everything is totally
fine now, and we totally got away.
471
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,207
So, all set.
Yes, but how?
472
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,784
The police were
right behind you.
473
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,081
Which is right
where I wanted them,
474
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,707
so I could go
old-school Bandit.
475
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,214
With an inverted
triple Needham.
476
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:10,133
Well, it was your own fault for
bringing cocaine without asking,
477
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,053
but I suppose all's well
that ends well.
478
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,097
Well, except for...
Pam?
479
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,433
All's well that
ends well.
480
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:18,725
Oh. Right.
481
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,139
But what about the 100 pounds of
coke you dumped on the highway?
482
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,849
What?
Pam!
483
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:29,187
MAN: Looks like old
Snowball done it again!
484
00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:44,997
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)