1
00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:03,228
SCHMIDT: Man, this is...
COACH: Oh, come on!
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:06,633
- Get it close to the light.
- Just because you invented Sky Knife...
3
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,071
...doesn't mean you tell me how to throw.
- Hurry up. You can do this.
4
00:00:10,276 --> 00:00:12,972
- One, two, three.
ALL: Sky Knife!
5
00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,113
[ALL CHEERING]
6
00:00:15,315 --> 00:00:17,408
- What's up?
- Oh, hey. What's up?
7
00:00:17,650 --> 00:00:19,515
Nothing, just straight up chilling.
8
00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:23,244
You guys, it's a really long story,
but I think I saw an eagle.
9
00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:26,084
- I was shopping for books on Western.
- Jess, no!
10
00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:31,028
- God, what the hell?
- You were in the drop zone.
11
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:33,959
- Good save, Nick.
- You're a hero.
12
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,929
We were playing Sky Knife. You mad?
13
00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:39,730
No. No, I think it's been
a great game this week.
14
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:43,170
- I'm amazed at how great it is.
- I thought you were gonna be mad.
15
00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:46,004
I'm gonna go get the bad ass knives
from Schmidt's.
16
00:00:46,279 --> 00:00:47,871
- Cool.
- Get them, girl.
17
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:52,442
- Um, guys, we have a problem.
- But Abby's gonna fix it.
18
00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:55,985
- She's going to get the cooler knives.
- The problem is Abby.
19
00:00:56,189 --> 00:01:00,319
She's been here one week and has already
created chaos everywhere.
20
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:05,395
I don't know if anybody noticed,
but she destroyed my painting with a penis.
21
00:01:05,598 --> 00:01:08,066
- The iguana's cool.
- I like the iguana.
22
00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:09,892
- Yeah, I like his tail.
- Yeah.
23
00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:14,867
Oh, my God, it's Terry.
Bastard found me. He wants his stuff.
24
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,542
Who's Terry? What's his stuff?
Cocaine? Drugs?
25
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,642
Worse. You guys got to hide.
26
00:01:19,879 --> 00:01:23,474
I knew this was gonna happen.
Everybody in your earthquake spots now.
27
00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:26,981
- Jess, she's messing with you.
- Ha-ha-ha.
28
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:29,347
[ALL LAUGHING]
29
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:33,151
I know. We are messing with you.
30
00:01:33,393 --> 00:01:36,294
- No, I don't think you were involved.
- Jokes on you, dude.
31
00:01:36,529 --> 00:01:39,498
- Us Day Sisters, up to our old pranks.
- You're not part of it.
32
00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:41,222
- Yes, I am.
- You got messed with.
33
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:43,299
You got messed with, not me.
34
00:01:43,536 --> 00:01:45,731
- You're doing that voice.
- No, I'm not.
35
00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:47,701
This is so fun. I want to live here.
36
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,238
[LAUGHING]
37
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:52,309
That was funny,
because we're messing with you again.
38
00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:55,537
No, I'm serious. That one was real.
I think I should live here.
39
00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:58,041
I hate this game.
40
00:01:58,251 --> 00:01:59,240
[ALL YELL]
41
00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:02,377
[SINGING]
Hey, girl
42
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:04,989
What you doing?
43
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,456
Hey, girl
44
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,255
Where you going?
45
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,897
- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
46
00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:15,124
- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
47
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:17,269
It's Jess
48
00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:26,973
- You looking up how to eat a bagel?
- Ha, ha.
49
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:30,216
No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed
the L.A.P.D. Entrance exam.
50
00:02:30,416 --> 00:02:32,611
Results go up in 30 seconds.
51
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:36,720
- Lf you pass, you get to be a cop?
- No, I get to go to the Police Academy.
52
00:02:36,956 --> 00:02:38,787
I hope I get a dog partner.
53
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:42,358
You are pretty calm for someone
who's about to get life-changing news.
54
00:02:42,595 --> 00:02:46,463
- You must be really cool under pressure.
- No, I'm a huge choker.
55
00:02:46,699 --> 00:02:49,896
Huge. Ha-ha-ha. Girl, I ain't had ajob
in over three months.
56
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:54,766
So this is that moment, I guess, when
you find out if you're really a failure or not.
57
00:02:56,709 --> 00:02:59,075
Check it. Excitement's killing me.
58
00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:02,645
Man, would you look at the time, man?
59
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:07,809
Girl, I got an obligation
at a sandwich meeting to go to.
60
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:12,952
Yes.
61
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,761
NICK: Well, you see loyalty
has a price, Mr. President.
62
00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:19,931
Give me the hot dogs.
63
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:23,829
Put the damn hot dogs in the bag,
you son of a bitch, and I will...
64
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:27,270
God, what are we gonna do?
She can't move in to...
65
00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:28,769
Take that off.
66
00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:31,135
- I hope those are clean.
- Enough.
67
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:36,539
- I don't want to be involved with your sister.
- It's not a weird thing with my sister.
68
00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:40,013
- She is crazy. She's wanted in Canada.
- I know.
69
00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:43,188
Canada. No one's wanted in Canada.
70
00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:45,686
Hey, you guys want to hang out,
like, right now?
71
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:48,690
Maybe go up to Alhambra,
try on a whole mess ofjeans?
72
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:53,228
- You find out about that cop test today?
- Oh, you... Oh, yeah, no.
73
00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,935
Look, man, the Alhambra thing.
It's getting a lot of momentum, you know?
74
00:03:57,136 --> 00:04:00,902
So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that,
because, you know, when you do that.
75
00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:04,440
I'm gonna guarantee you
that Abby is responsible for that.
76
00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:07,578
WINSTON: Yeah, she got to me.
- Lf you don't want Abby to live here...
77
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:10,874
...why don't you tell her?
- You can't tell Abby to do something.
78
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,383
She'll do the opposite.
I'm gonna find a place for her to live...
79
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:16,350
...and make her think it's her idea.
80
00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:18,183
She can't find out what I'm up to.
81
00:04:18,391 --> 00:04:20,825
Think you can keep her busy
and lie to her all day?
82
00:04:21,027 --> 00:04:23,655
Jess, I come from a family
of con artists and liars...
83
00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:28,560
...and the one thing I learned
is you can't lie to a liar. It don't fly.
84
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:31,235
- Yeah, you shouldn't be involved.
- No, I shouldn't.
85
00:04:33,306 --> 00:04:35,968
Wait a second.
Are you doing reverse psychology?
86
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:39,076
- Yeah, it is reverse psychology.
- That is reverse psychology.
87
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,715
You reversed it, so it's reversed-reversed,
which is just psychology.
88
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:44,883
Hmm, which one is it?
89
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,246
You outfoxed me. I'm in. I'm gonna do it.
90
00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:52,857
So our time is up,
but, um, I don't have any more clients.
91
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:56,687
So you brought it with that last set, Ma.
I gotta tell you.
92
00:04:56,896 --> 00:05:00,798
- I mean, what can't that butt do?
- You shaped it, so you get dibs.
93
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,558
- Dibs, ha-ha-ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.
94
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:07,001
Can I get dibs?
Because both y'all butts look great.
95
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,299
I mean, I can't tell who's in first place.
96
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:12,306
You know how you always getting on me
about my pizza baby?
97
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:14,876
- Yeah.
- Well, today is the day I get rid of it.
98
00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:17,049
I am here to train.
99
00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:20,741
Save it, dude. You're avoiding
your test results. Nick texted me.
100
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,319
- Guess you can't outrun a text.
COACH: Nope.
101
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:26,114
- With the right amount of training...
- Listen to me.
102
00:05:26,359 --> 00:05:29,726
I need you to leave.
I'm with a client, a beautiful one.
103
00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:32,760
I'm trying to, you know.
104
00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:33,954
[WHISTLES]
105
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,965
- Ha, ha. Trying to whistle?
- No, I'm trying to have sex with her.
106
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:39,569
- Oh, ha-ha-ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.
107
00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:43,230
But I did book you
for the entire afternoon though.
108
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:44,432
Uh...
109
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:47,272
- Why would you do that?
- But if you are doing a thing...
110
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,812
...I can do a tandem session.
- Check your score?
111
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:54,179
Oh, fun. Coach, you should show him
that ground stretch you did on me earlier.
112
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:56,854
It was opening me up really nicely.
113
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,819
- Yes, please. Ha-ha-ha.
- I don't wanna.
114
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,392
[SIGHS]
115
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,726
WINSTON:
Oh!
116
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:11,096
This is amazing.
117
00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:13,771
I'm taking a little trip here, Coach.
118
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:17,932
- You know where I'm going.
- Why do I keep looking down?
119
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:23,276
This museum is my
favorite place in Los Angeles.
120
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:24,983
Um, come on, Nick.
121
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,152
Jess is making you babysit me, right?
122
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,981
Babysit you? Ha, ha, what?
123
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,987
Like you're a little baby? No.
124
00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:36,854
- That's how you want to play this?
- I'm not playing it.
125
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,894
- What are you doing?
- I wanna touch it.
126
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,690
- Don't touch it.
- I need to.
127
00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:42,901
- Hey, hey.
- What? Can I not jump on it?
128
00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:44,693
- Ab... Abby.
- That's not allowed?
129
00:06:44,937 --> 00:06:48,873
- Maybe I shouldn't climb all over the car?
- You need to get off of that car.
130
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,042
Why don't you tell me
what Jess is up to.
131
00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:54,474
Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.
You're scratching the hood.
132
00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:57,148
- Tell me what I wanna know.
- Get off there now.
133
00:06:57,383 --> 00:07:00,375
- There's nothing to tell.
- Tell me. Tell me what she's doing.
134
00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:02,382
- Get her off.
- Will you get off?
135
00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:03,917
- Yes. Yes.
- Promise?
136
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:08,320
She's looking for a safe apartment because
she doesn't want you to live with us.
137
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:12,827
Now, would you please get off the car?
138
00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:14,431
Do you guys serve drinks here?
139
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,926
Why don't they give us Tasers?
140
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,434
Wow. This place is beautiful.
141
00:07:25,678 --> 00:07:28,875
Makes the other nine places
we've seen today just fade away.
142
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,642
Yeah, tell me about the neighborhood.
Is there a lot of nightlife?
143
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:36,412
This part of town is pretty quiet.
Unless you count church bells.
144
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:39,523
Which you should.
We have nine within hearing distance.
145
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:43,217
What about the other tenants?
Are there single men between 18 and 65?
146
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,158
Actually, make that 16 and 72.
147
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:49,528
Most of the other tenants
are middle-aged gay veterans like myself.
148
00:07:49,769 --> 00:07:51,236
Oh.
149
00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:54,065
- [WHISPERS] Jackpot.
- And if the demons come calling...
150
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,537
...there's an emergency room
across the street.
151
00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:59,973
You had me at "gay veterans"
and then again at "emergency room"...
152
00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:01,907
...and before that at "church."
153
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,173
I wish I could just travel back in time...
154
00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:07,546
...and tell 19-year-old me
to move into a place like this.
155
00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,585
Maybe I would've settled down,
met a, you know, nice guy...
156
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:14,317
...nothing flashy, works in a bank,
makes a great veggie lasagna.
157
00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:16,619
- Okay, not now, Cece.
- No, don't stop her.
158
00:08:16,863 --> 00:08:20,492
- Who is this guy?
- Ha-ha-ha. Right?
159
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:24,933
Bet you are a mean dancer.
Come on, live a little.
160
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:28,698
You were right to call me. Nobody deals
with crazy girls better than I do.
161
00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:31,468
Crazy girls are my hurt locker.
You know what I mean?
162
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:34,009
- Yeah.
- Some men, they can just walk away.
163
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,305
Not me.
164
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,643
- I keep coming back.
- Are you gonna help me get her off the car?
165
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:40,250
- You know what this is?
- What?
166
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:43,149
This is nonsense.
And how do we deal with nonsense?
167
00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:46,256
No, no. We just don't stand for it,
is what we do.
168
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:47,858
Security is on the way.
169
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:50,460
Come on, you old bird. Get up here.
170
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:54,792
I can't afford it.
I'm already the staff troublemaker.
171
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,332
- Can you make it happen?
- I'm thinking.
172
00:08:59,839 --> 00:09:03,036
Where you at right...?
Like, is it kind of...? Yeah.
173
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,571
Just shh.
174
00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:09,947
- I got it. Yeah.
- You do?
175
00:09:10,149 --> 00:09:11,980
No nonsense.
176
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:15,947
Hey, Abby? Look at me.
177
00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:18,554
- Let's go get a taco.
- Okay.
178
00:09:18,824 --> 00:09:21,554
- You gotta be kidding.
- There you go. Perfect.
179
00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:24,819
You're not gonna tell Jess
I told you about the apartment?
180
00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:26,862
I don't know. Maybe. We'll see.
181
00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:29,897
- It would be cool if...
- Straighten things up at the museum.
182
00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:32,536
I appreciate that. It's only $10.
183
00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:36,536
That's not gonna... It's $10. You snakes.
184
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:41,702
Follow through. Or that creepy guy
isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh.
185
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:43,677
Hands off my thigh, dude.
186
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,180
[WINSTON GROANS]
187
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:46,941
Off my thigh, dude.
188
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,450
[WINSTON GROANS]
189
00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:52,881
What are you doing?
Stop stalling, check your score.
190
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,821
I'm not stalling.
191
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:58,690
I'm gonna have Anders work my core
and maybe go get some juice with him.
192
00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:00,889
No, I want juice.
193
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:03,499
I bought your time,
I do whatever I want with it.
194
00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:06,204
- Go check your score.
- Hey, what are you doing?
195
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,566
- What are you doing?
- I'm checking it myself.
196
00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:10,240
- No. Come on, man.
- Here.
197
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,503
I said no, dude. No.
198
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:16,874
What?
199
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:19,215
You failed.
200
00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:24,723
I didn't even...
201
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:26,892
You know, it's not even a...
202
00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:31,095
It's not a big deal.
203
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,389
You know, so...
204
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,124
You should probably
put a passcode on your phone.
205
00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:43,105
Hey, Schmidt.
Hey, Schmidt, have you seen Abby?
206
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:47,611
What are you...? What are you doing?
207
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,041
I'm melting chocolate.
208
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,744
Abby and I are having sex.
209
00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:57,889
What happened
to no nonsense, Schmidt?
210
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,857
I've really changed my tune
on nonsense, Nick.
211
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:04,927
For the life of me, I could not understand
the grasp that Jess had on you...
212
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,861
...but if she came
from the same gene pool as this one?
213
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:11,092
Kudos, my friend. Even if it's
a tenth of what I experienced...
214
00:11:11,303 --> 00:11:14,067
...even if it's a DeVito-Schwarzenegger
split from Twins.
215
00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:16,241
- You calling Jess the DeVito?
- What?
216
00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:18,602
- I was supposed to be watching you.
- Go ahead.
217
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:21,746
Don't play tricks with my words.
Jess is gonna kill me.
218
00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:24,108
She'll say my name
in that short, clipped way.
219
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,750
- What?
- When she's mad, she just says, "Nic."
220
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:30,581
- You really think the K adds to the sound?
- Yes.
221
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:32,155
- Say your name?
- Nick.
222
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,087
- Without the K.
- Nic.
223
00:11:34,293 --> 00:11:36,158
- Same thing.
- Stop distracting me!
224
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,126
Nick, you're so worried
about disappointing Jess. Relax, man.
225
00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:40,457
[DINGS]
226
00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:42,224
You gotta get out of here.
227
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:46,794
[SCHMIDT GROANS]
228
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:49,798
[ABBY GRUNTS THEN SCHMIDT LAUGHS]
229
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:56,611
I choked.
230
00:11:57,316 --> 00:12:00,513
I choked, man.
I'm 31, I have nothing figured out.
231
00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:04,280
Can I not find ajob?
I mean, I feel like I'm losing it.
232
00:12:04,523 --> 00:12:06,923
- They're hiring here.
- You know I can't work here.
233
00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:10,527
- They never have any cookies.
- All the better. There's no pressure.
234
00:12:10,763 --> 00:12:13,459
Get this job. When you're ready,
try the cop thing again.
235
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:15,866
- Okay.
- See?
236
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:19,936
Yeah. But now I'm sitting here
thinking about how badly I need this job.
237
00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:21,799
- Stop.
- I need this job real bad.
238
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:24,373
Excuse me, can we
get ajob application, please?
239
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:29,138
In a way, I have a lot more riding
on this job than I do the cop thing.
240
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:30,747
God, I'd love to work here.
241
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:34,118
JESS:
I got the apartment!
242
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,548
The place is great.
243
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,849
Only thing I'm worried about
is there is a Russian grocery store.
244
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:42,050
And Abby has a bit of a weird thing
with ethnic white people.
245
00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:44,990
But I think she could really thrive there.
246
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:47,028
- Where is she?
- Where's who?
247
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,496
- Abby.
- Abby? Oh, she's sleeping.
248
00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:53,102
By herself. Which is called napping.
249
00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:57,103
I'm gonna start packing some of her stuff.
Think you can keep distracting her?
250
00:12:57,309 --> 00:13:02,542
Yes. Yeah, you know, how do you
distract a woman like that?
251
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,875
Probably a guy, ha, ha, right?
252
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:08,609
Who could we set her up with?
Well, well, well, who do we have?
253
00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:11,516
Coach? No.
254
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:14,123
- Winston? No.
- That's kind of a good idea.
255
00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:17,695
- Schmidt.
- That's a terrible idea.
256
00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:21,700
- But in the same sense...
- Abby will wreck Schmidt.
257
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,129
- Well, then...
- Here's the plan.
258
00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:26,861
We're gonna have dinner,
get her buzzed, not drunk...
259
00:13:27,072 --> 00:13:30,564
...and then we're gonna casually
and naturally bring up the apartment...
260
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:32,801
...so she thinks it's her idea.
261
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,875
- I can do that.
- Okay, good. I'm glad.
262
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:38,106
I'll act cool, natural, casual.
263
00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:40,910
Au natural. Au casual.
264
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,384
Know what?
Maybe I should write you some lines.
265
00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:46,147
I'd really appreciate that.
Maybe not a lot of words.
266
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:50,725
So tell me, what are your
three weakest qualities?
267
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:52,955
Let's see.
268
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,928
- [WHISPERS] "Perfectionist."
- Perfectionist.
269
00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:56,533
Yeah.
270
00:13:57,469 --> 00:14:00,029
And the other two, um...
271
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,663
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
272
00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:04,843
[BABBLING]
273
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:08,445
I'm overheating, right?
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do now.
274
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,548
I'm just going to shoot from the hip.
A little rapid fire.
275
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:14,252
Give you some fun facts
you might not know about me.
276
00:14:14,486 --> 00:14:17,353
I hate standing up,
I'm bad with numbers...
277
00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:20,148
...and I just honestly,
from the bottom of my heart...
278
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:23,089
...don't think women
should be allowed to handle money.
279
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:25,627
They just... That's for real.
280
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,931
Let's just move on to the salary.
281
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:33,371
And you didn't fill out
the back of the application.
282
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,607
There's a back?
283
00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:38,369
There is a back to the application. Coach.
284
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,875
- What?
- The L.A.P.D. Exam.
285
00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:42,477
Maybe it had a back.
286
00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:45,445
You didn't check if it had a back?
287
00:14:45,684 --> 00:14:48,812
We gotta go to the precinct.
I didn't choke. I'm just careless.
288
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:53,354
And that is my biggest weakness,
you bitch.
289
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,356
I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry.
I didn't even mean it.
290
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:59,496
- Okay, get out of here.
- Dog, I didn't mean that at all, man.
291
00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:02,129
To our newest resident.
292
00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:05,337
The City of Angels has sprouted
another pair of wings.
293
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:09,405
It's a majestic city,
drenched in sunshine...
294
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:13,805
...that is actually just a collection
of 75 different neighborhoods.
295
00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:17,812
Wow, I had no idea.
Please continue to tell me more.
296
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:20,041
- More?
- Who wants to rediscover couscous?
297
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:22,481
- What are you doing here?
ABBY: I invited him.
298
00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:24,848
- I live here too, right?
- Yeah, but...
299
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:28,753
It's okay. Abby can make her own decisions,
no matter what they might lead to.
300
00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:30,826
- Thank you.
JESS: Somebody call the pound...
301
00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:33,021
...because my stomach is growling.
302
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,863
I said, "My stomach is growling."
303
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:42,539
Okay. Speaking of dinner, there are a lot
of great options in North Hollywood.
304
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,437
It's a real hotspot,
full of young, hip people...
305
00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:48,839
...who will be the leaders of tomorrow.
- More wine?
306
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:53,346
If I were moving to L.A. Now,
I'd say yes-o to NoHo.
307
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,786
NICK: Hey. Hey, what are you doing?
- Oh, my.
308
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,353
Stop touching him, Abby.
309
00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:01,081
I'm sorry, what'd you say?
Touch him more?
310
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:04,854
Do not touch him. What are you...?
Do not do this right now.
311
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,399
How about that?
312
00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:11,899
As luck would have it, I actually
know of a place in North Hollywood...
313
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:14,105
...with great tile work.
314
00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:20,602
- I said, "Great tile work."
- For the first 12 months.
315
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:28,480
I think what you mean to say is there's
an introductory offer for cable television.
316
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:31,587
- Yeah.
- Cable's a scam, I tell you. Satellite!
317
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:34,422
What happened
to no nonsense, Schmidt?
318
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:37,686
Satellite's where it's at.
Nonsense has the hands of an angel.
319
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,296
Okay, what's going on here?
320
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:46,096
I told Abby about the apartment
and now she's giving Schmidt a special.
321
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:51,099
Don't look at me. Just look away.
322
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,141
Look away or look right at me.
323
00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:00,281
So this was going on the whole time?
324
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,113
Yes. The hands are just the half of it.
325
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:05,846
There's been banging
and poking and scratching...
326
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:08,457
...and hanging and teasing. Such teasing.
327
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:11,219
I mean, really excruciating,
life-giving teasing.
328
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:13,658
Shut up, Schmidt. She was talking to me.
329
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:16,663
This has been a whole day of lying
and I can't take it.
330
00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:20,497
I had to lie to Abby, so I spilled the beans
about the apartment. Sorry.
331
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,539
And then I had to lie about
Abby and Schmidt and the boning.
332
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:28,179
And then the manipulating
and the out-manipulating. That's lying.
333
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:31,645
If you guys were just honest
with each other for one second...
334
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,749
...none of this would've happened.
335
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,010
Okay, all right.
336
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,745
Abby, I'm really sorry
I tried to trick you...
337
00:17:37,956 --> 00:17:40,254
...but I just want what's best for you.
338
00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,824
- One of us has to.
- That is your problem.
339
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,553
- You think you're better than people.
- No, I don't.
340
00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:47,992
You've done it your whole life.
It's annoying.
341
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:52,192
You know what, yes. Yes.
I would like to fix you.
342
00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,838
No, I would love to fix you.
343
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,702
But I'm done trying,
because you're not changing.
344
00:17:57,943 --> 00:18:02,573
And you don't think or care
about other people at all and I do.
345
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:05,045
That's why I don't want you living
in this loft.
346
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:09,353
Ha. That's honest.
347
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:13,149
You're a garbage person and should live
in a dumpster with rotten snails.
348
00:18:13,392 --> 00:18:16,987
- Hey, Nick, too far.
- Yeah, way over the line, buddy.
349
00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:19,221
- We were piling in.
- That's my sister.
350
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,365
I didn't mean that. Yeah, sorry.
351
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:25,367
Well, lucky for you, I'm moving out.
352
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,437
Thank God, Abby. Oh, my God.
353
00:18:28,707 --> 00:18:32,165
- You're gonna like this place. It's so nice.
- I'm moving in with Schmidt.
354
00:18:32,377 --> 00:18:35,540
- You're moving in with who?
- We would have sex all the time.
355
00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:37,044
Dinner was lovely, you guys.
356
00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:39,183
- Thank you so much.
- Bye.
357
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:44,347
Hey, Jess, can I borrow your glasses?
We're gonna role-play as you guys.
358
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,948
- Ew. No.
- You don't understand.
359
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:49,319
She's not gonna be you.
I'm gonna be you.
360
00:18:49,561 --> 00:18:52,189
- Get out, Schmidt.
- Get out of here.
361
00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:55,460
Oh, God.
362
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,467
WINSTON:
What's up, my man?
363
00:18:57,736 --> 00:19:01,763
I took the test last week, or should I say
I took the front part of the test...
364
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,966
...and, sir, I am here
to finish what I started.
365
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:08,646
- What?
- He's trying to say he took the exam...
366
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,439
...but he forgot the back half.
367
00:19:10,682 --> 00:19:13,549
The test is administered
on a computer. There is no back.
368
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:20,985
- You took the test on a computer?
- I choked. I am a failure. I am a loser.
369
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:24,390
I'm never gonna amount to anything.
I'm never gonna shoot somebody.
370
00:19:24,596 --> 00:19:27,292
Dude, have some dignity, all right?
371
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,398
Thank you for your time, sir.
372
00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:33,401
Winston. Winston, yo.
373
00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:35,129
Winston.
374
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:36,932
- Dude.
- You failed, man.
375
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:40,777
You fail hard at everything.
376
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,878
Dude, this pep talk sucks.
377
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:45,515
- I'm not finished.
- It's the Winston of pep talks.
378
00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:48,480
Look at me. You can do this, Winston...
379
00:19:49,221 --> 00:19:51,781
...because now there's nothing
to be afraid of.
380
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:55,448
You hit rock bottom, man.
This is the worst it's gonna get.
381
00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:04,329
Sir, it has been my dream
to become a cop.
382
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:08,267
And no one's gonna stand in my way.
Not you, not him.
383
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:11,999
- Hey, I was helping.
- And definitely not myself.
384
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,838
I would like to retake this test.
385
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,810
Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow.
386
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,815
What about my score makes you think
I'm ready to take this test in 12 hours?
387
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:23,816
- He'll be there.
- I'll be there.
388
00:20:25,357 --> 00:20:28,326
Thank you for messing everything up
and being a terrible liar.
389
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,961
- You are very welcome.
- I needed to say that stuff to my sister.
390
00:20:32,197 --> 00:20:36,531
She's gonna wreck Schmidt.
He has no idea.
391
00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:38,633
I'm sorry my family's so crazy.
392
00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:41,862
Crazy? Your family's not crazy.
My family's crazy.
393
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:43,870
My father used to trade horse semen.
394
00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:47,943
I've got an uncle
whose God-given name is Shifty.
395
00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:52,684
Well, thank goodness
we're the sane ones.
396
00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:58,347
- So...
- Now, remember, up and...
397
00:20:59,224 --> 00:21:01,351
[JESS SCREAMS]
398
00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:06,990
- Hello, Abby.
- Hey, what's up?
399
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:11,332
Have you thought about what you're
gonna do if they pair you with a dirty cop?
400
00:21:12,037 --> 00:21:15,165
Well, then I would just go
to Internal Affairs.
401
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:18,366
- That's a good way to get killed.
- At least I would die a hero.
402
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:23,206
No, you won't. They'll put you in panties
and plant you next to a dead prostitute.
403
00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:27,184
- That's a poor lady.
- It'd be a dude.
404
00:21:28,086 --> 00:21:31,249
But it's awesome. Good luck on the exam.
405
00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:35,850
They got dude prostitutes?
406
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,893
Nuh-uh.
Ripped By mstoll